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Why is God a Man?
Why is God a Man?
Being a menopausal woman really sucks. At night, it’s like having a wrestler in bed with you
without the sex. When you flash you wrestle the covers off because you feel like you’re going
to spontaneously combust. When the flash is over you wrestle them back on since you’ve
gone from sweating profusely to the ice queen. And what is sleep? I used to remember,
but it’s been so long that I’m going back to school to re-learn how.
And why the heck do they call it menopause? It has nothing to do with men. Oh sure, men
have to put up with we suicidal women when we’re going through this so called “natural
progression of aging” but, during this time it’s the men who pause and say, ” My wife has lost
her mind. She's frantically running around the house begging me to throw ice water on her
before she bursts into flames.”
After all, During menopause, everything dries up (and I mean that literally). It’s like
someone took a wet vac and sucked all the moisture out of our skin, hair and other
unmentionable places. And as far as sex is concerned, KY Jelly becomes your best friend, for
without it there’s just no getting in. And what is a sex drive? We wish we could remember,
but our minds are drying up too. Oh, I remember now. It’s all about the drive. That is,
driving to the mall to go shopping. Now that’s a turn on. After all, who wants to have sex with
a dried up woman’s body whose parts have all gone south? I guess that explains why we’re
hot all the time. When our parts go south our body gets hotter. It’s like your body’s in Florida
without living there. We do take small trips up north when the flashes subside, but
unfortunately our body parts don’t.
We try to workout, but someone needs to come up with a workout with minimal effort as the
slightest movement causes us to pee ourselves. So if you want to make the most of your
workout, go buy Depends. You still pee, but they keep you dry along with your skin and hair.
Oh, and did I mention the bouts of uncontrollable crying? Your husband asks you why you’re
crying and you tell him it’s all his fault because he’s going about his merry way while you’re
slowly going insane. They can't empathize when they have no freaking idea what’s going
So I’ve come to the conclusion that all women who make it through menopause have earned
their place in heaven because they’ve already lived through hell on earth. To all my
menopausal women friends out there. . . .
THIS IS WHY GOD IS A MAN!
Copyright © Rebecca Beirne