The Mask
-Shannon isnt my real identity
-Shes only a mask
-That iv had on for 26 years
-She was never real
-Not to me anyways
-She had my personality
-But she didnt sound like me
-Feel like me
-Or even look like me
-Im not even sure what I realy look like
-Or anything
-All I ever knew was this
-I am not shannon
-I always felt so distant from the world
-I tryed to belong
-I had friends and family
-But even then
-I still felt like an outsider
-In everything I did
-Then several years ago
-I learned about FTM
-And it just clicked
-I learned theres a hole would
-Filed with people like me.
-I was to scared to tell anyone
-Exceped a few close friends and my boyfriend
-So for 2 years after that
-I lived as a male...kinda...
-I dressed more "manly"
-I cut my hair
-But I didnt tell my family
-Well most of them I didnt tell
-I had a lot going on in my life
-And I was uncerten of a lot of things
-I started doubting myself
-And I wasnt sure anymore if I was FTM or not
-But I knew I wasnt "just a girl" eather
-I was confused for a wile
-Then a friend told me about gender fluid
-She explained it to me
-It kinda sounded right at the time
-So I started claming gender fluid
-But I still wasnt out to many.
-For the most part I pretended to be a girl
-And only taking the mask off
-Every now and then
-When I was a guy
-And it was ok
-I felt...happy..er
-I stayed like that for a wlie
-Without questioning anything
-Dispite how I felt when I wore guys cloths
-But then I started feeling it again
-The confution
-And the since of not beloning
-The since of betraying myself.
-So I started questionin again
-I knew why I felt this way
-Deep down that is
-But it took me a wile
-Before I could even say it to myself.
-I baryed it deep down for so long
-It was hard to bringit back again.
-But I finaly did it
-I got up the confedence
-And I clamed it proudly
-I am FTM
-I am male
-After I did that
-I felt so much happier
-Even though I was (and still am) scared to death
-After a little wile I found out who I was
-Under the mask
-I found my proper name...Seth
-And so much more.
-And for the fiest tim in my life
-I felt like I was realy able
-To take of my mask and just leave it
-But then
-A month after I came out to everyone
-Including work
-I found out I was pregnant again
-And my hole world just came crashing all around me.
-This was everything I was working aganst
-After fighting with myself
-For a couple days with it
-I finaly decited to go threw with it
-And it wasnt easy to make the desition
-I was so pissed at myself
-For letting it happen.
-I still am, just not as much
-Then came time to start telling people
-They all would find out sooner or later anyways
-Some were confused
-Most were exstadic
-They all congragulatted me
-And I tryed to pretend to be happy
-But im not
-Im in my own personal form of Hell
-With only one way out
-Months of torcher down the road.
-Everyone was so thrilled
-That I...
-There "sister"
-"Daughter"
-And excetra
-Was having another kid
-They tryed to be sumpithetic and understanding
-To my "unque" situation
-But non of them truly get whats going on in my head
-And how could they?
-There not FTM
-Anly another FTM could realy get it
-A im aware of that
-I am and always will be a man named Seth
-Even during pregnancy (my last one)
-But I guess the mask of Shannon
-Is still pressent...
-So ill put the mask back on
-But only on the side
-So both Seth and Shannon
-Are partialy seen and covered
-And ill put on a smile on both
-So everyone thinks I am happy
-And have it all under control
-Just as a good parent
-And parent to be should be
-And then after the babys born
-Ill take off the mask completly
-And ill leave her behind to die
-Without looking back
-Then and only then
-Will I finaly be free
-Of that mask called Shannon.
Copyright © Seth Trent-Cannon | Year Posted 2021
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