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Workshop Poem: Sunset at Manila Bay

I don't have enough space, so I'm posting only the 2nd version here. For the original write, here's the link, in case you'd like to read it --

Version 2 

Trudging along home—
oblivious cars on curving, stoic asphalt, 
my tired self.

As the sun was dipping goodbye,
the wind went gushing through, enfolding me
I impulsively stretch out my arms to embrace it back
Closing my eyes,
I wanted to keep that sun with silly me, if only for a while…

Wishing I was sitting somewhere instead, 
be in that place 
where I can swim 
in that Manila Bay sunset

Immerse myself.
Gulp in that 
shimmering coquelicot yolk
that bleeds infectious light.
Watch it dip softly 
into the languid waves,
rendering brilliance,
 gilding everything.

A golden inked cookie
from the milky sky
being dunked,
tickling my hungry eyes

the glorious, 
Manila Bay sunset

By now, only hazy skies fill my eyes.
I wonder when my life would be like that sunset…
I continue my walk home in numb silence
and I sigh,
I sleep at sunrise.

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Thank you very much, Ruben for all the comments, deeply appreciate your time and insights. If it weren't for your comments, me joining this workshop would've been kinda pointless, haha. I'm used to not being read much, and I hardly left comments in others' entries, so I completely understand. My fault. 

I do appreciate this workshop, but I'm guilty of hardly participating with the other poems, and for that I am sorry. I see the benefits of this workshop. I think I do, but somehow, for someone like me, who hardly revises anything (cringe for some, a lot maybe). It was hard, in the sense that I wanted so badly to capture something that I couldn't. Therefore for me, any changes I write, seemed so contrived in my eyes. I don't think I did any justice with my re-write either. Once in a blue moon (insert wry smile here, see below), I am able to just write exactly what I want, how I want it to be. "Cradle My Tears, Moon" was what I was sort of aiming for in revising my Sunset.Silly me, I know,_moon_545265

Obviously, a far cry. It may have so many flaws, that moon write, but to me, it was everything in me at that moment, flaws and all. Still is. Maybe one day I can write something similar, using that Manila Bay sunset. I sure hope so. 


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  1. Date: 5/19/2015 9:37:00 AM

    Ok, wait a minute! Where's the Manila Sunrise? Am I hallucinating? : D!!
  1. Date: 5/19/2015 9:30:00 AM

    Here, we have an interesting inner monologue. Let me see ... I think that you could maintain the present tense, you changed in the 2nd stanza. Also, you're using the verb to be 5 times (what about changing them for stronger ones?). I like the ending line ("I sleep at sunrise") but I re-read it, changing the order of the stanzas, and I think that the first stanza is a potential substitute. My only concern is the word "silly" ... whether it's the persona or someone else's opinion. What do U think?
  1. Date: 5/19/2015 9:05:00 AM

    I really like your one hand clapping, I feel as if I failed ... encouraging you. : (
  1. Date: 5/16/2015 11:53:00 AM

    --> which is the "sound" of only one hand that's clapping (or trying to). I swear to God: I'm not drinking!!! : D I'll be back ... in a couple of hours. : D
  1. Date: 5/16/2015 11:46:00 AM

    WOW <-- LOL! : D (I'll be back in two weeks) I love you, Cyndi!!! : D! The stream of consciousness style you're using is perfect for this poem. But I want more. I want you to make me think about it and I want you to "find" some sort of answer. Actually, I think that I'm going to steal this idea and write a poem! : D What about if the persona is dealing with marital problems? ... with the death of a love one? A "relationship" has been changed, the two hands are not clapping anymore -->
  1. Date: 5/16/2015 11:21:00 AM

    Hello, dear Nikko! I'm glad to see you participating in this adventure. So, you're in a philosophical mood? The sound of one hand clapping is supposed to be beyond logic. Although the "image" of clapping implies two hands, this concept states that everything is in a relationship to everything else and any change you make involves both sides. Now, let me re-read the poem.
  1. Date: 5/15/2015 9:25:00 PM

    WOW.. okay, I can't do this tonight. Sure. LOL. Hit us with a limousine-poem. Yes, you're right. I can see what you want to say and it is almost there. Some economy of words would go far... like lines 8 and 9... to... search for the answer//not within//but through//the souls of others. Long day (don't get me started ;) ) I'll return, hon, Tuesday, holiday Mon with family here. Hopefully others visit. Christine would give good advice, I think, with this one... hugs, Cyndi