Read Poems by
Workshop Poem: Sunset at Manila Bay
I don't have enough space, so I'm posting only the 2nd version here. For the original write, here's the link, in case you'd like to read it -- http://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/sunset_at_manila_bay_481623
Trudging along home—
oblivious cars on curving, stoic asphalt,
my tired self.
As the sun was dipping goodbye,
the wind went gushing through, enfolding me
I impulsively stretch out my arms to embrace it back
Closing my eyes,
I wanted to keep that sun with silly me, if only for a while…
Wishing I was sitting somewhere instead,
be in that place
where I can swim
in that Manila Bay sunset
Gulp in that
shimmering coquelicot yolk
that bleeds infectious light.
Watch it dip softly
into the languid waves,
A golden inked cookie
from the milky sky
tickling my hungry eyes
Manila Bay sunset
By now, only hazy skies fill my eyes.
I wonder when my life would be like that sunset…
I continue my walk home in numb silence
and I sigh,
I sleep at sunrise.
Thank you very much, Ruben for all the comments, deeply appreciate your time and insights. If it weren't for your comments, I'd be wallowing deeper in self-pity for a snubbed entry, haha. I'm used to it, believe me, and I hardly left comments in others' entries, so I completely understand. My fault.
I do appreciate this workshop, but I'm guilty of hardly participating with the other poems, and for that I am sorry. I see the benefits of this workshop. I really do, but somehow, for someone like me, who hardly revises anything (cringe for some, a lot maybe). It was hard, in the sense that I wanted so badly to capture something that I couldn't. Therefore for me, any changes I write, seemed so contrived in my eyes. I don't think I did any justice with my re-write either. Once in a blue moon (insert wry smile here, see below), I am able to just write exactly what I want, how I want it to be. "Cradle My Tears, Moon" was what I was sort of aiming for in revising my Sunset.
Obviously, a far cry. It may have so many flaws, that moon write, but to me, it was everything in me at that moment, flaws and all. Still is. Maybe one day I can write something similar, using that Manila Bay sunset. I sure hope so.