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Josh Cox Poem
God, I’m scared
Scared to be alone
I’ve lost so much
Lost my light
Now I’m alone in the dark
So alone.
My friends try to reach me
I’ve fallen too far,
Still trying to stand tall,
But I’m crippled, broken, and bleeding now.
Everything I see is salt in the wounds,
Writhing in pain, all alone in my private hell.
“I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me.”
Only that’s not the case, everyone knows.
No matter how hard I try to hide in the dark,
No solace,
No protection in the dark,
In the cold,
So blind I can’t find myself.
Pain overwhelms feelings of other things.
“Without you, I’m not me”,
And that’s exactly the case,
Smile in the face of death, my welcomed visitor.
Blind, deaf, and dumb
All I can do is inflict pain.
I hate myself for what I’ve said, and done.
Love is absent from my life
Yet it consumes all.
The absence filled only when I’m touched
And that’s something I’ve missed for months,
Smile, grin and bear it,
Not working.
They see through my shallow smile
It hurts them to see me, when I can’t see them.
In booze I’ve tried to drown the feeling,
But it’s magnified through the liquid.
I feel so stupid,
I want out.
I can’t leave, as much as I hate this place,
I’m drawn to it, stuck.
Drawn like a moth to a flame,
But perpetually burned by it,
Forever night, forever dark, forever cold,
At least that’s how it feels.
Time doesn’t heal, it steals from me
My breath and blood, joy and love,
Gives me in return, pain,
Enough to bathe in
I’ve tried to bleed,
The blood brings no relief,
I do feel human, and that’s the problem.
My bliss is gone, and has left me with no malice,
No hate,
And no desire for revenge,
These things I am without,
Though I’ve sought them.
Passion, in all of its forms, is gone,
And has left me alone with my agony.
Perfection for me lies in a place were the light lives,
In the smile of another
No one sees, I can’t fix me
Broken before, re-broke now,
Shattered beyond the skills of those I know.
Too broken to fix,
Except by one, who is not ready to be there
Love is the problem, and the solution
Pain is love and love is pain.
Despite the cold,
In the darkness,
I am prepared to wait,
Weather the storm.
I just hope I survive the night.
Copyright © Josh Cox | Year Posted 2006
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Details |
Josh Cox Poem
It's been three and a half months since you left my side,
I'm still here, and I haven't died,
I still feel the emptiness you left in me.
I'm still deaf and I still can't see.
It hurts so much when I see you with him,
when I think to myself, what could have been?
I want you to know I’m leaving this place,
all because I'm alone, because you wanted space.
I'm sorry I love you and I still don't know why you cried,
I hurt myself with the thought of you, when you're not here, by my side.
I want you here with me, more than you know,
pain I try to hide, the pain you'll never know.
I swear to God, I'm not right in the head.
Too often I think I'd be better off dead.
I'm not trying to be selfish, it'd be better for you too,
if you didn't have to deal with me, and what I put you through.
They said it would get easier. Christ, they were wrong.
You’re still all I think about, all day long.
I'm really not mad at you.
You did what you had to do.
The blame lies on me, for asking too much of you.
All I want out of life is you by my side.
For that alone I live, and for that I’d die.
Now I know what heaven feels like,
and now I know, I'm still alive.
Copyright © Josh Cox | Year Posted 2006
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