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Best Poems Written by Randy Johnson

Below are the all-time best Randy Johnson poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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Pinched

I pinched my coworker on St. Patrick's day for not wearing green.
I thought it was funny but she thought it was obscene.
She charged me with sexual harassment and assault and battery.
When the cops slapped the cuffs on, I realized that it wasn't funny.
I tried to run from the cops and they used tear gas.
Then they pulled out their sticks and they beat my ***.
I no longer pinch people on St. Patrick's day even though it's fun.
If you pinch somebody and they call the cops, you had better run.

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The Craigslist Thrill Killers

Elytte and Miranda Barbour murdered a man just to get a thrill.
It is always very stupid and senseless when people kill.
They said they killed him because they wanted to kill someone together.
If you're wondering when they'll get out of prison, the answer is never.
They pled guilty to Second Degree Murder and other charges and got life.
Elytte will never be able to kill another person and neither will his wife.
When Troy LaFerrara answered the Barbours Craigslist ad, he didn't know he was in danger.
While in court, LaFerrara's loved ones were very furious and they expressed their anger.
The Barbours are only 22 and 19, they're young enough to be my kids.
If they were my children, I wouldn't forgive them for what they did.

(This is a true story about Elytte and Miranda Barbour who murdered Troy LaFerrara.)

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I'M Superman

I'm an alien from Krypton and I'm able to fly.
I'm Superman and bullets don't make me die.
Bombs, tanks and nuclear weapons can't kill me either, I'm invulnerable.
I save at least fifty people every day, that's amazing and it's pretty cool.
Usually, the only thing that can kill me is Kryptonite.
But I did die when Doomsday and I had a massive fight.
We beat each other to death but I was able to return.
My death made many cry, I was touched by their concern.
I have X-ray vision and I can see through everything except lead.
Lex Luthor hates my guts and he says he won't rest until I'm dead.
Last week there was a forest fire and I put it out with my ice breath.
When I got through blowing on that fire, there was none of it left.
I can also make laser beams come out of my eyes.
When people see me, they say "There's the man who flies."
I have a girl who I love more than life itself, her name is Lois Lane.
When I'm Superman, she's nice but when I'm Clark Kent, she's a pain.
Some people call me a miracle but I don't think that's true.
If you're ever in danger, just call my name and I'll save you.

(This poem is based on the DC Comic Book that was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.)

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How To Avoid Overeating This Thanksgiving

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

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Bonnie and Clyde

They were bank robbers and their names were Bonnie and Clyde.
They robbed banks in six states until 1934 when they both died.
In addition to robbing banks, they also robbed stores and service stations.
They killed thirteen people, they were dangerous and caused devastation.
In 1933 the dangerous duo teamed up with Clyde's Sister-In-Law and her husband, Buck.
Clyde's brother was killed four months later and Bonnie and Clyde soon ran out of luck.
The next year they were driving on a road in Louisiana and they didn't know they were in danger.
They were ambushed and killed by a posse that was lead by a Texas Ranger.
The posse fired one hundred and sixty-seven rounds and Bonnie and Clyde were hit fifty times.
They were deadly murderers and thieves but they ended up paying for their dastardly crimes.

(This is a true story about Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker who were killed on May 23, 1934.)

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I Can'T Stop the Bleeding

My daughter is dying and as I'm praying, I'm pleading.
She has been stabbed and I can't stop the bleeding.
An ambulance is on its way but it may not arrive in time.
My daughter wouldn't put out so her boyfriend committed this crime.
If you're wondering how many other people he'll stab, the answer is none.
I'm so enraged that I blew his sorry head off with my sawed off shotgun.
My daughter just died and tears are rolling down my face.
She died for being a respectable girl and it's a disgrace.

(This is a fictional poem)

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I Kissed Another Girl

(This is a fictional poem)

When I kissed another girl, word got back to you.
You slapped my face and told me that we're through.
Most kisses taste pretty sweet but that kiss was tart.
Now I'm all alone nursing a broken heart.
Kissing that girl was foolish and it was a mistake.
But I'll make it up to you no matter how long it takes.
I can't go on if our love is at an end.
If you'll take me back, I'll never look at another woman again.
You're the only woman who I want to be with.
So I'm on my knees begging you to forgive.

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That Haunted House

I bought a house that nobody else wanted.
I got it dirt cheap because it was haunted.
It was once owned by a murderess and nobody could trust her.
Things got so bad in that house that I called the Ghostbusters.
But those four women came running out of that house as fast as they could.
I thought that hiring those women was a great idea but it didn't do any good.
Everybody who lived in that house ended up in a bad shape.
The last straw came when the ghost cornered me and I was raped.
I burned down that house for the insurance because things were so creepy and odd.
But the insurance company found out and now I've been sentenced to prison for fraud.

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Chihuahua - Part Iv

I've loved Agnes ever since the day that I got her.
She's the closest thing that I have to a daughter.
Since 1990, she's the only female dog that I've had.
When my former female dog died, it was very sad.

I named her after Mom and that makes her special indeed.
Agnes is a full stock Chihuahua dog, that is her breed.
She's special and unique, there can never be another.
Because she's named Agnes, it's like having a small part of my mother.

(Dedicated to Agnes, my Chihuahua dog.)

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It's a Curse To Own a Hearse

Instead of being a chick magnet, my vehicle is a curse.
No woman will go out with me because I own a hearse.
I bought my hearse because it runs great and it was dirt cheap.
But when women see it, they slap my face and call me a creep.
I finally got a date with the woman of my dreams.
But when she saw my hearse, she ran and screamed.
Women don't want to make out where corpses have been.
Because of my vehicle, they won't date me, they find other men.
If you already have a bad love life, making my mistake will only make it worse.
Women will not date a man if he drives a hearse.  

(I got the idea for this poem from a TV show that I saw.)