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Martyn King Poem
Four walls are enticing
Can't get out of my own head
Who is that figure in the mirror?
The face that haunts me
Nimble and limp - I feel misplaced
Envious and boiled and ready to put on simmer
Want to circle up in a ball and just tear my hair out
Can't get over these thoughts - driving me wild
The way I look at them as they walk on by
Don't know how lucky you've got it
I'm fighting myself
Can't show this you see?!
Not allowed to
Just hold back these waters and shore up your defences
I am too dependent on people and don't want to tear connections apart
I feel so alone and so stranded and feel like I am the only person who feels like this
Need my own space
I need to just procrastinate constantly to escape it
Can't you see me and the person who lies beyond it
Can't you see my tears run constantly down my face
And the way I zip from joke to joke trying to make you laugh
In order to feel human, feel valid, to feel accepted by you
It is all a performance you see
It isn't the person I want to be
I have to live within these means
People don't want to see it
See the real me
Even I hate it
Self loathing and low self esteem
Have formed from this
I hate my body and I hate my sex
I hate these expectations and the way people see me
I am not a man you see
I am more than that
I am beyond that
I am trans you see
But you can't see
Some do and some don't
Some will vilify and make you not feel wanted and make you just want to give it all in
Even I wanted to give it all in
Give up
Cut myself
Hurt myself badly
Until I bled out
Because this body isn't mine
I hate it
Just want to be like them
Like that woman I see on TV or who passes me by
Can't I be a woman or am I woman
I am allowed to be
My dad wants me to be the man of the house
I lived through his views and expectations and through my school's expectations - just "man up" and "not show my emotions"
But I am emotional you see
I am emotional
But I hated myself for it
People have used me
Abused me
Taken advantage of me
Ignored me
Mocked me
Kicked me
Beaten me
Blamed me
Turn their back on me
Don't get it wrong
I am no innocent flower
I have hurt others and I have been a dick at the best of times to even the best of people
But I just want to be me you see
But some people can't see
This government can't see
The media can't see
My family sometimes even now can't see
And therefore I can't see
As I am dependent you see
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
And I just want to be a woman
But I feel too trapped in these four walls
I can't break it
I can't make it
These traumas from family, school and life have scarred me
Have shaped me
Can't let it you see
Because of all the things I have been through
I know there is good people out there
And good people make me want to fight
Make me want to believe that there is hope
And when there are tears - there is hope
When there is life - there is hope
So I must keep going
Even though I am setbacked
Living with my parents and on universal credit
Just got to get on with it
And just be me
And if people can't see me
I will just have to style it
And tell myself that
I am beautiful
I am loved
And that I am valid
Even if I transition or not
I got to keep telling myself this and say to myself
"I am a woman"
Despite what people may say
And what the media says
And what the government tries to do in order to set back people like myself
Because I am fighter you see
There have been times in my life where I have been overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, stressed and in despair
There have been times where I have been lazy because I gave up on life
You see
But I am still here
You see
And I will always be here
Through the thick and thin
Whether you like it or not
I am a woman
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
Black Cloud
The sky frames this backdrop
Footsteps - always moving - but never in the right direction
Bang Bang
What is that?!
Stay Away!
Can't you see?!
Vroom Vroom
The diesel engines cries and chuck, chuck and spat and spat on the footway nearby
Pop Pop
Children laughing and skipping - Imagination so vivid and so tangible. You could almost kiss it.
Kick Kick
Just let me in
I am not angry anymore. I promise.
Dump Dump
Bin bags - oh the bin bags - how high they do rise
Umbrella - It's raining - tears down your face
Makeup is now ruined and it is spoiling the line of your brand new jacket
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
I am not allowed to be it
Not allowed to show it
Can't be visible
Can't be seen
Be anyone
Wash me
Hide me
Cover me up
Pretend I am someone that I am not
Pretend that I am some sorta of actor in a film
Someone new
Someone who can hold their own
Why is it a crime?
All I want is to be on time
Like everyone else is
Just to love
And be loved
I will be locked away
Throw away that key
They will mistreat you
And hold you to ransom
Batter you
Kick you
Until you have nothing left in your tank
Learn to be ashamed of it
Self - shame
And self - harm
I can't help it
I am it
I love it
I can't change my mind
I am like this
This is it
It is me
Within my DNA
Part of me
Can't be me
Is it a crime
Locked up for a long time
Never see that sunlight
Sunrise
Fresh air
Feel that touch
Feel those lips
Touching mine
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
Think of anything
Anything can be yours
If you want it
Really want it
You can have it
Keep it
I will guide you
Give you strength
In the darkness hour
The blackest night
I will be here
For you
I am here to hold your hand
To cuddle you
Embrace you
Love you
I love all your colours
You are unique
You sparkle bright
You were born bright
You are burning bright still
You can be it
You are it
I love you
I will be your fan when you have none
I will cheer for you
I will praise you
I will love you
I do love you
All that you are
All that you were
And all that you will ever be
I love you
For all that you are
I don't just love the appearance of you
The image of you
I love the character of you
I love you for you
I love you
I do this all
Because of my love for you
'Cause I love you
You know
I will be here for you
Remember that
Always
I love you
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
Bedsit
Sit beside your bed
And wallow there please
The world doesn't want to see you today
Even you don't want to see you today
Oh god why does everything hurt
And why do I feel so crap
I hate mornings
If you love mornings
In my books
Sorry there is something wrong with you
Look at me
I look like some BTEC IKEA manifestation
Conjured up by some hack writer no doubt
The bells clang as my feet scrap across the carpet floor
Pick your feet up
You have to go to work soon
No dilly dallying
Wipe the mirror
Brush my teeth
Comb my hair (well what is left of it anyways)
Bite on some toast and kiss your nearest and dearest
And head to work
Work
Work
Work
Of course it is work
I have no pleasure in doing this or actually being here
God I hate my life
Would someone just please shot me now
Customer after customer after customer
Will this line ever stop
Stock up and go home
There is nothing here for you now
Just go home and forget the day you had and watch some good old stories on the box
And wash your mind away
Cooking dinner
Why is it always me
Oh well better get started
It is nearly half past three
Lost track of time
Lost track of my direction
I am sitting down and getting older
And my prospects aren't looking better
I am just getting fatter and fatter
And my time on this mortal coil is getting longer and longer
Stretching out to the ether
Losing all sense of meaning
Deflection and rejection
Wash down your sorrows and head to bed
To do this day all over again
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
Wave that in my face
It owns me
It owns you
It owns everyone
I want it
You want it
Everyone wants it
Clutch it
Gaze at it
Stuff it
Hold it
I want more
You want more
We want more
More and more
We just can't get enough of it
Enough
Always wanting
Never giving
Not ever
Just take and take
But never give
Why give?
When I can have
When I possess
More and more
Of it
It is all for me
None of it is for you
It is just mine
I want you to get out of the picture
This is all for me
Only
For
Me
Only
Mine
This is me
Never wanted anything more than this
Just this
Wanting this
Having this
Never enough
Just give me more
More and more
I could go on and on
In this loop
Just give me some
I will die for it
I will show you
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
Fragmented
Worn out
My veil has been stretched and torn at it seams
My face tells a story
Hardened by the damp and the cold
Embittered and coarsened by the wind
The heavy gusts blow me
To and fro
In a whirlwind
Stranded and distant
Solitary
Solitude
Solo
My hands shiver in the cold
The frostbite takes hold of me
My clothes have become tatty and battered
Dusted and covered in mud
My soul lives in a different realm
Beyond myself
My eyes and the soul concealed behind it
Is a façade
It shows a person and a soul
But it is merely an after-image
A ghost
A story
And a front
Sadly
My soul has long since been dead.
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
It all starts on this page
A blank page
Anything can happen
And it is all up to you
Now I know that can be quite daunting
I won't sugar-coat it
As this power lies within you
And it rests on your shoulders
But don't let it burden you
Don't let it crush you
Don't let it be the dictator
But you have to lead it
Don't you see
I know that you are hurting
I wish I could help you
I wish I could fix you
To switch you back to the manual settings
But it doesn't work like that
If you want something done - you have to do it yourself
For instance, you are the only person who will ever be able to fully fix yourself
Do see you now
These things have happened
Now, I am not denying that and I am not saying you don't have the right to be sad
But life doesn't work like that
These things have happened
And they have happened for a reason
But your story doesn't have end here
Only if choose to
Only if you want to
But every fresh page is a new blank page
And anything can happen - the world is a stage
Life doesn't work like that
Life doesn't care about that
Of course there have been stories and other pages before this one
But life does happen
Stories and events happen each and every working day
And honestly, it is exhausting
But each and every day is a fresh blank page
So take it
Take this page
And hold it
And hold it close
Until it burdens your hands
Until your eyes start to sting
And your heart follows in its melody
Because the world is a stage
And each and every day is always that new blank page
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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Martyn King Poem
I can only feel this cold sensation brush against my feet
The warmth crispen my fingertips
As you walk on by
The aromas that I smell around this environment
My sight
Indescribable
I feel enable
Lesser
Wasted
A reject
A project gone wrong
What are you?
What can you bring?
What can I do?
My hands clasp sharply around my cane
Guiding me
Through this treacle
Do people laugh at me?
Look at me?
Point
Examine
Judge
I wouldn't blame if they did - I would do the same - If I was in their shoes
I am parade of failure
And nothing more
Incomprehensible
It fathoms the mind
Can't translate
Look through me
Can you see me
I am even here
Do I even exist to you
I wonder
Copyright © Martyn King | Year Posted 2024
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