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Best Rude Poems

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Rude People by edwards, michelle
His speech is very rude by Poetryskates, Katherine
NOT A RUDE POEM by Guyler, Ian
How Rude by Aul, George
RUDE POEM by Guyler, Ian
Rude Non Haiku by Schumacker, Earl
Very Rude Haiku by Schumacker, Earl
Quietly I'll Be Rude by Kendrick, Sara
friendly yes but sometimes rude by akbar, arzoo
November can be so rude by Lander, Annie

View all new Rude Poems

The Best Rude Poems

Details | Rude Poem | |

Just Desserts

I was at my favourite restaurant and had a lovely meal
If I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal
I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat
The dessert menu was on its way, Oh I couldn’t wait for that

The waitress bought the menus and I rubbed my hands with glee
Oh sticky toffee pudding, now that’s the one for me
She came to take the order – we had waited as you do
She finally turned to me and said ‘oh Madam what can I get you’

Oh stiffy cockie pudding please was my swift reply
I didn’t realise what I’d said till I saw the tears form in her eye
I went as red as a beetroot and the others began to laugh
At my spoonerism which turned into a complete gaffe

The pudding it came quickly but I couldn’t wait to leave
I choked on every mouthful and my stomach it did heave
So please take notice of my error on this horrendous day
If you order sticky toffee pudding be careful what you say!

This is a true experience! The waitress was a student at the school I work at - I was so pleased when she went to university - I have never ordered this dessert since!

Submitted to Richard's Beginnings Matter Contest  - It had taken a month of badgering by my friend jenny Brewer to even pluck up courage to post my poems - I wondered how my humour would be appreciated!
~awarded 2nd place~

This is my first poem posted here and it is my first poem to be published in a book by United Press

More great poems below...


Details | Rude Poem | |

Crossed Me At The Borderline, Just In Time

-------------------------------------- ~*note: done in fun and aimed at no one~  



try and seed my name you'll concede to shame
no use in calling names to lose the game

yir' ill will is just plain disastrous 
asinine avatars deserve an asterisk

as for being fact-less, your slaps don't diss
every lick you spit simply tends to miss

harmless words that curse, rehearsed childishness
gets your face erased and they'll say who's next

as defilement arrives inside your text
that's when shame wheels you back, right to the nest.


~10 syllables in each of 10 rhyming lines~

Details | Rude Poem | |

The Tale of the Dirty Dick

Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now  propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.


Details | Rude Poem | |

Send Me No Insults When I Die

Send Me No Insults When I Die


Send me no insults when I die
couldn't hurt me if you try
Send those insults while I live
so returning fire I can give

Never try to stab me in the back
my third eye is always on track
I once dearly loved a damn good fight
now I rather prefer to just be right

Send not fools to do your dirty work
I despise fools and simply hate jerks
Take your measures like a real man
with blows delivered in upfront stand

Send me no insults when I am dead
cry your woes, kiss my arse instead
My soul at rest , my spirit in the sky
I say piss on you and don't ask why!

Robert L. 05-27 2014

A lucky inspiration. 
I just read an email from a bitter enemy.
He declared he would piss on my grave soon enough! A veiled threat
(possibly) .. I laugh at and now write this little tribute to 
the guy's stupidity.

Details | Rude Poem | |

Save Your Lousy Self

Save Your Lousy Self


Save your pity for a fool that is not witty
  save your sorrow for a jerk with no tomorrow
Save your scorn for your future unborn
  save your smartass for another dumbass
Save your lies for your coming black eyes
  save your taste for your own stupid waste
Save your frown for another silly clown
  save your next scam for your next big ham
Save your mistakes for your jump in the lake
  save your life for terrible and massive strife!
Save your love for next disease you can't get rid of
  save your mess for your next boatload of stress
Save your speech for your next loud screech
  save your help for your next born welp
Save your cries for your next false guise
  save your stand for your next super lousy band
Save your gasps for your next futile grasps
  save your retreat for your next huge defeat
Save your fall for your next crash into the wall
  save your pain for your next car wreck in the rain!

An exercise in "saving" for frugal people that are lousy scoundrels!!
I wrote this with a fool I know from my wild young days in mind...
A little slam for fun.....

More great poems below...


Details | Rude Poem | |

SPAMMER SMACKDOWN

IMMEDIATELY PLEASE REMOVE ALL OF MY INFORMATION FROM YOUR DATA 
BASE FORTHWITH.
ALSO, ADVISE ANY AND ALL CONTRACTORS, SUB-CONTRACTORS, AGENTS, 
SUB-AGENTS, AFFILIATES, PARTNERS, COLLEAGUES, ASSOCIATES, CLIENTS, 
WEBMASTERS, WEB BASED LINKS, WINKS, TWINKS, 	SHRINKS, COLONEL 
CLINKS, BOSSES, CO-WORKERS, EMPLOYEES,VENDORS, SUPPLIERS, 
SALESMEN, ACCOUNT REPS/EXCS, ACCOUNTANTS, BROKERS, CO-BROKERS, 
HACKERS, SLACKERS, WHACKERS, JERKS, SOLICITORS, SIDEKICKS, 
COHORTS, WINGMEN, WHEELMEN, LOOKOUTS, OUTLAWS, IN-LAWS, 
RELATIVES, FIANCES, BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS, FRIENDS, FOES, 
ENEMIES, EVIL NEMESIS’, DERELICTS, DEGENERATES, DOPERS, DEALERS, 
TWEEKERS, GAMBLERS, RAMBLERS, CANVASSERS, INQUIRERS, QUEERS, 
QUEENS, COWBOYS, KINGS, FAGS, DRAGS, HAGS, HETEROS, HOMOS, TONY 
ROMOS, FEMALE IMPERSONATORS, [PRE OR POST] MALE IMPERSONATORS, 
DICKS, DYKES, VAN DYKES, DICK VAN DYKE, LESBIANS, LONGSHOREMEN, 
SHORTSHOREMEN, LIARS, BUYERS, CRYERS, CIGAR SMOKERS, CARPET 
MUNCHERS, RUG RATS, TODDLERS, TEENAGERS, JUVENILE DILINQUENTS, 
SENIORS, SUCKERS, TRUCKERS, MOTHER shut yer mouth, LAW MAKERS, 
LAWYERS, ATTORNEYS, JUDGES, POLITICIANS, LEADERS, FOLLOWERS, 
DISCIPLES, PROPHETS, EVANGELISTS, SAVIORS, SINNERS, SAINTS, 
SOOTHSAYERS, MEDICENE MEN, GYPSYS, TRAMPS, AND THIEVES, WITCHES, 
WARLOCKS, VAMPIRES, LYCANS, ZOMBIES, WAR MONGERS, PROTESTERS, 
VIGILANTES, VICTIMS, SOLIDERS, GENERALS, GOVERNORS, PRESIDENTS, 
PATRIOTS, PACKERS, LIONS, BEARS, BROWNS, BLACKHAWKS, REDWINGS, 
RIGHT WING, LIBERALS OR LAW BIDING CITIZENS. THEY ARE NOT TO 
CONTACT ME AND LOOSE MY NUMBERS.

BUT, IF YOU SEE MY MOM, TELL HER TO CALL ME.



                                               BA-ZING!
                                                     ?

Details | Rude Poem | |

Track Meet

My feet,
got a rhythm
A nervous beat

Oh the meet
Should I eat more meat?

Nah focus more on wheat
Better calm down and take a seat.

World coming at you like a big huge fleet
They try and feed you but you don't wanna eat
I don't like the taste of there beets
I'd rather give myself some tasty treats

Oh wall street
I ain't gonna eat
Get off my bicycle seat 
Filthy ol' wall street smelling like your grandma's toilet seat
gonna throw you in some disgusting embassy suite

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

-Jomarc Bernardo

Details | Rude Poem | |

Very Rude Haiku


    Very Rude Haiku

Winter? 3 lines?....Right! ....

5-7-5 cadence, meter 

I don't think so!...Blah!   

               -or-

Table by brook swamped

Consume fish, tail, heads, water

No soup for you!...Tip!  

Details | Rude Poem | |

WORDS - ALOUETTE

WORDS - ALOUETTE

Nightmares in my skin;
Scourging deep within.
Blood and bones sizzling abreast...
Aged tired nerves plead
from words carving bleed
to screams of cruel arrest.

Head like tomb stillness
chaining rock stiffness.
Iron hurt span rumbling din.
To endure, my gong,
stopping a torch song.
Hence, be far in any sin.
______________________________
CONTEST NAME: SCREWED
SPONSOR: ROB CARMACK
PLACED 3RD

(c)O.E. Guillermo
10:52pm
September 05, 2014



Details | Rude Poem | |

A blessing for 2014

Will those who want rapture connect
To the one who could resurrect?
Be blessed with vision
Take in what's arisen
A member that’s hard and erect

Details | Rude Poem | |

Voodoo Doll

There's a person you'd like to curse,
so a voodoo doll, then make first;
Upon that doll now cast a spell, 
summoned from the wicked in hell;
Now you need some pins and needles,
bring the pain of pitch forked devils;
The length of pins make sure are long,
the devils pain will be more strong;
The more a needle's thick and round,
will make the pain be more profound;
Must take your victims' lock of hair,
attach it to the doll to wear;
The doll, up high, hold in the air,
Into the doll's eyes, you must stare;
Call the doll by your victims name,
while at the doll, the needle aim;
Curse the name as you stab it in,
twisting and turn it as you grin;
With needles stuck about the head,  
each needle deeply did embed;
With legs, all over, stuck with pins, 
you now must wish the curse begins.


Details | Rude Poem | |

Time Is Of The Essence

I look at the clock and shake my head.
We might be late-not looking good.
My friend is possibly still in bed.
This thing I've never understood!

How can you make a definite plan
and then just let it drift away?
Of tardiness I'm not a fan.
I'm thinking of choice words to say.

This annoys me so very much.
No excuse is good enough.
They'll have a tale to tell and such.
But in my mind 'tis  just too tough!

I am a person always on time.
In fact at times I'm a little early.
Being so late has no reason or rhyme.
This pet peeve tends to make me surly.

There are people that I love dearly
who are always keeping me waiting.
All these years they never did fear me.
And I just can't end up hating.

I'm the only one who feels any pain.
I gawk at my watch when their time is up.
Now I realize I've got nothing to gain.
So I tell myself suck it up buttercup!

Details | Rude Poem | |

Staring At the Screen

Staring at the screen, new tabs of the obscene 

Moving images penetrate the brain, in sixteen sixty nine they’d call this insane

Sheets sweat in a tangle, eyes glued to a black rectangle

Double you double you double you dot, in sex education, the sex part forgot 

So far from reality, gradually pulling out the wires of morality

Internet spotted geek, watch it four hundred, and twenty times the same week

Typing, tapping, touching, spanking, slapping

Distant female screams, behind miniature screens

Going blind in one eye, going stupid near the thigh

Forget love and care, grow two horns and stare

Not one blink, just one kink

Obsessed with addiction, living in fiction.

Details | Rude Poem | |

lol submitted this for my writer's craft class

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou can buy drinks at McD’s for a buck,
Wait, that means thou never want to pay,
Thou went to see a psychic for good luck.

Sometime too hot thou think thou are at clubs,
The ways you act embarrass all thy friends ;
And when we need to drag thou out of pubs,
We hope thy hot behaviour will soon end.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Especially in winter when thou wear;
Shorts too short with legs far too displayed,
“Oh my god, I can see her underwear,”

Thy “summer’s” kind of ratchet after all
Thy friends will wait until you turn to fall.

Details | Rude Poem | |

Deep Doo-Doo

Lonnie is a real creep.
He drives a beat up jeep.
He robbed a preacher’s son.
Now he is on the run.
He is in doo-doo real deep.

Details | Rude Poem | |

Out Of Place, Out Of Time

Not long ago in a faraway place,
Big Jack McCluskey dug up some gold.
Now that he had mucho moolah Jack decided to move
and leave the bleak environs of the harsh Alaskan cold.
Off he happily went to the pleasant warm Hawaiian isles
to spend the remainder of his days where the weather is mild.
Unfortunately, once there, Big Jack McCluskey didn’t fit in
with the laid-back native islanders because Jack is naturally wild.
Being a very accommodating group of people they put up with Jack
despite of his menacing demeanor and his wild changes in mood.
McCluskey has a tendency to be arrogant; he thinks his feces have no stink.
He has a very short temper and even on his best days he is nasty rude.
Unfortunately, money walks very tall and it talks really loud,
so the Hawaiians tolerated Jack’s outrageous boorish ways.
Big Jack is uglier than the devil and smells like raw sewage,
he loves to sing bawdy songs out loud and he cuts wind night and day.
Even the most mild mannered of people have their breaking point,
so when Jack decided to get naked and walk about and around,
thereby scaring all the children and causing sober preachers to take a drink,
the men gathered together, bum rushed him and got him tightly bound.
They threw Jack in a big wooden crate, loaded it in the hold of a cargo plane,
labeled it Cash on Delivery, care of the U. S. Senate Building, Washington, D.C.
The ever caring islanders discussed the entire situation and came to the conclusion
that as utterly disgusting as Big Jack McCluskey is, he had to have family in
old D. C.

Details | Rude Poem | |

Sweet Bleeding

In a Texas commercial circus the journey is set vehicled by hormonal energy beginning from the cashier's tag well placed on her blue shirt exactly on her very firm left Breast with the name "Carmen" The route of desires his wants drive through having a static attention on her mammary glands but the Life in him, already as far as Bremen. Engineered by libido so troublesome which takes it guns, even in no provocation. Just usual bare skin stimulates the production of his semen and simple feminine curves blacken his mind with bitumen as part of him slides down the huge lumen of intense sexual intentions. He places the General's rank on his 'small head' then the big one becomes void of all acumen. Eyes fixed, body static, lips separated all these, irritating the nearby women as this middle-aged being drops to the lowest point of all men. Planning on a tour below her abdomen his road trip revolve round her hymen a well covered pretty damsel yet he sees as flesh full of foramens in a place far from a serenity of physical intimacy yet somehow he falls for an unforeseen trap of infernos desires. His heart, the only villain as it rejects any deal with this sudden natural cause. A flood of laughter and jeers welcome his total presence once again, he tries to wave off the premonition of a bad omen not knowing, to the corruption of his thoughts his 'third leg' all along has been saying AMEN!

Details | Rude Poem | |

Spicy- Oh so Annoying

Enjoying a placid lake, so quiet
Fox trotting, sniffing the ground-
   Then a loud, shrill scream of a
spoiled child.

Serene path, I walk as the guest of light breeze,
hand in hand strolling with my love
   Then clouds burst into a sprawling
northern freeze.

Dirty snow, a rude employee, greedy people taking 
what they please.
   Liars, tall talers, lying for no need
Satisfied grunt of one who pays
no others heed.

A cruel hand bashing the weak
Evil words one so disregardingly speaks.
   As with the  offender, it is trouble 
he always seeks

Leaving work from such a long day 
pleased to relax my way
    A homeless, skeletal man asking
for some change- the pity
Turned my thoughts gray

Snap your fingers, get it done quick!
Threats of any kind make me sick
   A long drive just to get away Pitch and tent
and the ants come to play!

Racism, sexism, and ignorance 
for no reason
       This is not just annoying
And never changes with the season.

Those who take for granted
the love of family so readily given
    Treating therm so terrible
 Spoiled, rotten smart- mouthed
so selfishly driven

Sentient redwoods slain
Numerous bretheren of  the 
   endangered nature die in vain.

These are a few things that annoy me-
Self important people  smiling in that
bleach white grin-
   For ever sneaking and canniving
under that sh++ eating grin. 









Details | Rude Poem | |

Ode to why you should keep your Door Double Locked

One fine morning, in early July,
A key opened a door that was locked-bye and bye
No notice, no call, no fateful warning
Uncle Frank walked in, unannounced, at eight in the morning

Lo and behold, the occupant was awoken
Some deep and recognized voice had spoken
Heading toward the voice, with sleep in his eyes
Robby said, "Uncle Frank!  What a surprise!"

"Well, I'm feeling fat and a little shaken.
I'm afraid that yesterday I ate too much bacon.
May I please use Grandma's old bathroom scale?
Ever since her funeral, I feel like a whale.

With a shake of his head and a polite, "No."
Robby said, "You gonna wake up my ho.
A  princess of mine is sleeping fair
So go ****ing weigh yourself in your own god damn lair."

Details | Rude Poem | |

Sitting,Waiting,Wishing

And then I think “Why is it that the good ones are hard to find?”
Shouldn’t be just the opposite?
That generosity and loyalty is the norm?
Someone who is serious and is dedicated to more the just sports and getting layed?
Why are my only two options to settle for less or to keep on waiting until I have no faith left;
Believing that they are all the same 
And then these expectations turn into self-evaluations
Thinking and feeling things I shouldn’t have to be
And so here I am on a Tuesday night
Sitting, waiting, wishing.

Details | Rude Poem | |

My Missing Quilt

Oh my, I'm suffering from wind I just wish my body would rescind For my quilt I do probe It's on top of my wardrobe Out of reach and totally pinned . Inspired by Jan Allison's Poem 'The Real Gods of Wind'

Details | Rude Poem | |

The Blue Mountain Slam

I was stumbling around the Poetry world when I ran into this Gem
The Blue Mountain Arts Poetry Card Contest. 
I thought, what an opportunity 
But then I read the rules and although 
I do not know who wrote them
I must say, "COME ON" Really !

Poetry Contest Guidelines:
1: Poems can be rhyming or non-rhyming, although we find that non-rhyming poetry reads better.

Non-rhyming poems Read Better---Ha---what a crock ! Tell that to the 18th and 19th Century Poets


This it soooooooooo idiotic, It's like saying, We are having our Special Olympics and disabled and enabled can enter alike, although we find that Enabled entries usually win.    ( This metaphor is not intended to diminish the abilities of those of us that have disabilities, It is intended to show how ludicrous rules can be ) 
Blue Mountain, WHY NOT say----"Rhymer's Need Not Apply"

I went down to Blue Mountain
I thought I'll have a-go
And may win 300 bucks
You laugh, but never know

Once there, I read the page
Where I was to apply
That's where the darnedest thing
Reach-out and caught my eye

Rhymers just weren't welcome
That's what the first rule spelled
No point in even trying
'Cause "Rhyming Don't Read Well"

Instead of feeling Blue
I counted all my blessings
Then,I bought a pair glasses
And started reading lessons

Thanks Blue Mountain
I'm "Reading Well" Now !
See you next contest

                       by JTCurtis (A rhymer w/readability)





Details | Rude Poem | |

The Colts Unbridled

The young generation, who believe in dissolution,
promulgating the manifesto
“tradition is the grave of the banality,
only solecism is the quickening of new life…”

yell upholding a flag similar to a bad check
which is unable to secure the needed guarantee for the debt.

They are sycophantic speculators hopping on the bandwagon 
of the time, they are nothing but a product of a certain moment 
of the swinging pendulum, their unfounded thought changes in consonance with the direction and the amplitude of the pendulum.

Although they think highly of themselves, 
they assert themselves as the forerunner of the times,
actually, they are unbridled reckless colts jumping, hopping, 
and running blindly in the wilderness.

They consider heteronomy as a shackle, 
they, therefore, rush to a smithy and heat the shackles to cut it off,
they insist upon autonomy as the beat of the heart,
they, therefore, lay on the cold operating table to cut it open 
to see the inside of the heart bearing an excruciating pain

but they found it full of red and blue blood 
clotted in two atrium and two ventricles, the blood
contaminated with filthy and turbid human minds
which carried on from generations of generations 
of past unchanged.

They try to ascend their thoughts, nonetheless,
above the traditional ones, it’s nothing more than 
a word game, a disgusting prank. 

Are they mad? Though they cannot even jump 
nor have wings, they try to fly,   

ah, poor generation, ill, crooked, lost,
who were not even touched by a drop of Medusa’s
poisonous blood, flap wings imitating Pegasus about to fly.



Details | Rude Poem | |

A Nightmare Blind Date

no, I'm not perfect,
but together we could be...
yeah, a perfect storm!

or maybe...

no, I'm not perfect,
just a man finding his way
but took a wrong turn!

or maybe...

no, I'm not perfect,
if I were I wouldn't be
here dying with you!

or maybe...

no, I'm not perfect,
but it's clear you are my dear;
a perfect buzzkill!

or maybe...

no, I'm not perfect,
I've been lied to; I was told
opposites attract!

or maybe...

no, I'm not perfect,
and I'm sorry I'm not your
Mister Right...CHEQUE PLEASE!

       -----------



September 2014





Details | Rude Poem | |

The Way to Hell

I am not a PROPHET 
I don't FOLLOW anyone 
Just Can't  
Neither do I  need FOLLOWERS
I Just Don't
I just don't want to be in HELL!