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Details | Burlesque Poem | |

The Poetic Justice

As legend has it, there lived Bai Balkhash, a rich man
In the North regions of the then Soviet Kazakhstan
Had a beautiful daughter Ili who was without her Smiley
So Balkhash held a feast with a contest to win Ili.

Ili, loved a shepherd called Karatal and easily managed
For Karatal to win the contest of the grooms  staged
But Karatal followed the ancient tradition of love stories
Wherein the fathers were supposed to oppose the realities.

Now the lovers had no option but to run away and marry
And the angry father had no options to go contrary
So he turned them into rivers and himself a lake between.
Made himself a laughing stock taking water from rivers twin.

Today’s reality is Kazakhstan and China using Ili’s water
Poetic justice done, the lake drying, two rivers dying forever.

                                  ********
Burlesque Form

======================================

Dr. Ram Mehta
7th place win in:
Contest: Beloved Poem by Giorgio Veneto   - 



 






 

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

A Bad Day at the Eye Doctor's- a true story

"It was 6 or 7 years ago
Or so I'd like to think
I traveled to my eye doctor..
(I should'a seen a "shrink"!!)

My dad and I we awaited
In a filled up waiting room
Patients all a'seat
Magazines all askew
There wasn't much to say there
There wasn't much to do...

Slowly I did notice
Some odd glances made at me...
Some hand-covered conversations...
Some smirks I seemed to see

It made me feel self-conscious
They seemed fixed looking at me in my seat
When slowly I did realize...
That they were staring at my feet...

I looked down, and to my horror
And much to my surprise...
A sight I could not fathom...
I could not believe my eyes!!!

For one foot was well fitted
with tennis sneaker white...
The other a black dress shoe
It was a startling sight!!!

Now I found how hard it was
to hide one's mismatched feet
I wished to God to run out
And escape onto the street

I was red with great embarrassment
and shocked how stupid I could be!
Had I been that darn sleepy?
Or could I just not see?

Then it slowly dawned on me,
Well, darn it, here I sit....
Proves I need an eye-doctor...
and I don't give a sh__......."

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

a reading

“the eyes of my eyes opened” as
the door when she came in, late
and embarrassed, click of a
shutter into “the ear of my ear” a
whispered ‘hi’ for a greeting
at the meeting, a reading.
she might be beautiful, had I
my glasses, seeing nothing
of a face or a flower, boughing to
sunlight, bowing to heaven
I see inward had I my glasses
I’d hear a thought that over
me wrought a heaven-bent word or
something more absurd.
“Abso-lute-ly & pos-i-tive-ly”
dead in the large-room
prison-with-a-view, had I
my glasses, everything’s new
in its monotony, “under me you so quite new”
I knew the world kicks up its dirt in my
I would have seen the lies, the dirt, the
heaven-bent word, her (quite new), had I
my glasses.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

The Elimination Method

Simple Mathematics, really.
To eliminate one component
To solve a problem quickly.


I’ll form the problem into a manageable state,
By easily eliminating an unwanted variable.
Now, just what variable to eliminate?


First, I will multiply the X by two.
That’s the first step. Done, I feel fine.
I will multiply the Y too.


Now, I add my X plus X.
My Y plus Y.
That was to make sure it checks.


Now here’s the predicament (easy my shoe!)
This is my problem,
And a real head-scratcher too!


The equation adds up nicely
And the X and Y are simplified.
But, how do I eliminate my algebra homework
Precisely? 

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Exotic Dancer

Do people think you are sleazy and bad,
since the day you replied to that want ad?
The words were in black and white, and plain.
“No Experience Necessary, We Train”.
This job is not what most women would like to get,
However, it pays the bills and keeps you out of debt.
You live in a nice house, and drive a Corvette.
Of all the occupations anyone can seek,
there are not too many paying two grand a week.
They hired you for what came naturally.
Men easily discover your great beauty.
You have the looks of a centerfold in a magazine.
Your dancing in the club makes quite a scene.

A fight with your old man made him pack and go away.
He left you and your child unexpectedly one day.
You were desperate and needed a job right away.
It seems nobody was impressed with your resume.
Other employers apparently could not be convinced.
So many places only wanted experienced.

When you are dancing in the club each night,
men from all over think you are a delight.
Scantily clad, you erotically tease.
This is how you gather your gratuities.
Some men get obnoxious, and a bit out of hand.
Enforcers appear to take a stand.
A small team of bouncers comes out to greet.
The mashers land in the middle of the street.
Never mind what people think is wrong or right.
Many men like me will be seeing you tonight.


Details | Burlesque Poem | |

The Eyeshadow Girl

The blend of colors enlightens her day when she decides to embrace them;
She loves various colors which bring alive a girl’s eyes;
Each color depicts the triumph of beauty from within that is eager to fly more than twice;
The charisma of colors vitalizes one’s surrounding being a priceless gem.

Surveying around, she picks her Jimmy Choo;
Picking up her Chanel bag she appreciates her labor of love;
Then she looks at her sister to Shoo;
She knows that materialism and spiritualism is hard work from blessing above.


Details | Burlesque Poem | |

A Zit

Before the mirror his presence beamed.

In shock and horror, the mirror screamed

at his heartbeat

apart from me,

throbbing, ready to pop,

even talking, nonstop.

"Quiet, you fool," I whispered harshly,

yet the more he pestered me.

He spoke for me when we went out,

got all the attention with each shout.

A blush surrounded what I could not tame.

He held a bold stance, like a target for aim.

If only I could hide my face,

or take a wand and make an erase.

Even so, he'll go when he's ready,

and I'll have problems less petty.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

A Hummerous Life

In times like this it’s pertinent to stroke the longest cord
for hummer is impertinent and seldom brings discord.
Each slippery politician who runs yelling, “Come on Board!”
is asking for some hummer from constituents lapboards.

He wants them on their knees paying, for taxing fills his hoard
Just a little hummer raises bundles and gets Johnny Boys accord.
And, if you think it just ain’t right to make a joke of Nancy*
then let me tell you baby, your hummers just not fancy!

Hell, you have to laugh at what they say, and their fancy stroking
for if you took them seriously, even Heimlich would be choking!
So, just remember next time your party yells "Come on Board!"
that if you do, you must expect the meaning is untoward.


*Nancy / Nancy boy - It is the opposite of being hard. 
In cold weather a nancy boy would dress up in a coat,
hat, gloves and scarf and a hard guy would wear a t-shirt. 

*hummer a slang word for a type of sex
** humour/hummer it's a play on words


Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Rude Hood

Once there was a girl, little hood,

She was a fine mamma, looking good.

Hood decided to take a walk

Didn’t see the wolf watching her like a hawk.

 

Mesmerised by her swinging ass

He trailed behind watching her sway with class

He said “I gotta have a piece of hood,”

“That ass is juicy and good for food.”

 

Suddenly he stopped with a frightful stare

Across from her was mamma, papa and baby bear.

The notorious trio who did goldilocks 

Just  down the road about three blocks

 

Wolf said “I’m not gonna stand for this.”

The Wolf now was getting pissed.

He draws his ooze and colt 44

Rat a tat tat  mama , papa and baby no more.

 

Smoke clears and he sees hoods’ on the floor

“F--k!” he screams “I killed my wh-re.”

 She stirs and looks at him with a smile,

Hood says “Bad boy tonight you get to do d--gystyle.”

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

THE CLEVERNESS OF THAT YOUNG TRAVELER

Once his brown alpargata shoes trod countless miles,
imagination burst from his vivid, traveler's eyes...
He traversed valleys leading to azure mountains,
and heard a chant sung with vivacious tones.


Like the invaders of the past that built sturdy castles
on rugged hills, he intruded in those ghostly places...
expecting swift lancers with fierce glances ready to attack him,
or take him prisoner and toss him in a dungeon completely dim.


But with his slick tongue, he would kindly ask for a fair trail
and be scolded by the drunken King with the fattest tummy
to explain with a few words his intrusion in that well-guarded territory;
and looking so young and innocent, his plan for deception wouldn't fail!


" Oh, mighty Frederick II...I come in peace and as a conquered native,
I would bow in admiration to be of service to your kingdom,
which extends from Naples to Sicily, your mercy is imperative...
may your soldiers unlock these heavy chains that make me lame!"  



The Norman King with the bluest eyes ordered the knights 
to free him and waited for words to flow from his mouth with dry lips, " My great
 King, I have grown grapes that are so juicy to eat with bread and they make
the most delicious wine to bring merriment to your festive nights!"


" Where's this region you mention with such wonder and delirium?"
With red-inflamed pupils, King Frederick II asked him. And he traveler's deep voice
vibrated with loud excitement , " Into the valley of Baianum!"
" Let me out of this castle and I will show the purple grapes of a farmer's choice!"


" Let him loose!" ordered the tall, fair king. " Give him the fastest  horse,
and let him bring me proof of his finding!" The soldiers obeyed with reluctance,
but little trust they showed in him: they assumed he was another well-paid jester,
who performed his comedy well...they knew the cleverness of that young traveler! 

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Satan in my Bowels

Satan in my bowels
All I can say is 'ow'
Cringing and churning
My biscuits are burning
I’m praying for relief
Some sort of lanolin leaf
Wondering why I wasn’t born
Before the devil had horns 
Squatting in the bush
Mourning my tortured tush
Asking when trees portend
Charmin is our friend
So if you hear me cry
Shouting Jalapenos must die
Remember that camping is fun
Except when nature’s on the run

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

HIV Positive

HIV Positive

I am HIV positive that I know,
But I will exercise my civic right,
As my blood continues to flow,
For my views to be heard I will fight.

Known to have been wayward and careless,
That does not mean I cannot be benevolent,
Which had made me to be fearless,
This malady has made me to be malevolent.

I Love playing poker with my dames,
After basking in the euphoria of many liquors,
which has actually earn me my fame,
Soon,I will varnish like the gas vapor.

But,the doctor told me I`m negative,
My blood was mistakenly substituted for,
Ha!this news serve as a purgative.







Details | Burlesque Poem | |

It's all in the swing

Who says I’m getting old?
My hairs are not gray
Its beautiful sterling silver
The finest silver around
Who says I’m getting old?
My face isn’t bright red
I’m not having hot flashes
I just have constant sunburn
I love the outdoor
Who say’s I’m getting old?
Not me I’m as young as I feel
Tennis anyone?


Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Man

I’m a man
In case you couldn’t see
I don’t use the word “poopie”
And I’m addicted to TV
I’m a man
Who doesn't have time to bleed
But who still has compassion
For blind, busty women in need
I’m a man
Who isn’t defined by “it”
Though affectionate enough
To scratch a public itch
I’m a man
Driven by real adventure
Falling asleep on the sofa
Still wearing my dentures
I’m a man
A wild stud in full bloom
Waiting in the Jacuzzi 
Picking my Fruit of the Loom
I’m a man
Who hates to be mean
Crying in the bathroom
When it’s time to clean
I’m a man
Nothing more or less
A mountain of masculinity
Who never ceases to impress

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Horrendous Hobyah Hordes Hijack Hamptonshire

The Scots, by God,
They drove them out,
With a single Yorkie
At their heels a' yappin'
The Hobyahs tried to fly
Their arms they were a flappin'

Some managed to take to sea
And landed in Hamptonshire,
Yes-serieee!!!
But the British Navy would have none of this,
Big battleships they did send
The Hobyahs saw their doom,
Their plans they did amend

They sailed on to American,
Landed at the New Jersey coast,
The hobyahs could find no better host!
They ate their way from Newark
All the way up to Camden
Avoiding kennels and dog warning signs
There was always people on their roast

Now, much of America
Might applaud this you see,
For most of Jersey's citizens
Were as useless as a rubber tree

Then the Jerseyites came up
With a plan,
They bribed the Hobyahs with
16 barges overfilled with McDonalds
Quarter-Pounders with Cheese-
With big sign saying- 
"This Way!!"
"Free PeopleBurgers"!!!!
And Infant Limb Fries!!!!"

Now this was not within
the Hobyah's realm of understanding,
But it sure sounded good....

So on the barges they climbed,
Till each and every one of these fiends
Took to sea, gorging themselves
On what they thought was fast human food

Once out in the bay, the barges were sunk
by remote control

On shore, a Mexican Beach Police Patrolman
was heard to ask Humphery Bogart,
for his beachcomber permit...

Humphrey barked back, "What?- Don't you see the history being made here?
If you're the beach police, let's see your badges!!"
The cop sneered, "Barges?....Barges?????.....We Don't Need No Sinking 
Barges!!!!"

(See "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre")

With the kind permission of Marnie Memis (Oh, I Love that name!)

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Sweatin' The Small Stuff

Don't sweat the small stuff, they say...
I see it, a different way....
Small problems easily become big,
Make you pull your hair out,
So you gotta' wear a wig!

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Smelly Poop

Poop is a smelly thing
poop is far from clean
when I poop, I poop on the pot
when I poop, I poop a lot
It's big and brown and looks like gravy
gosh it feels like I just had a baby
It's runny and smooshy , and really gross
In my family, mine smells the most.
I think I'm finished
I think I'm done
oh my goodness 
it's beginning to run
oh no, this won't be fun.
Wipe and flush, I'm on the run
to play outside in the sun.
But in the yard, hiding low
I think my dog had to go
dog poo on the ground
dog poo all around
dog poo is smelly too
dog poo is on my shoe.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Thank you

I had forgotten the world 
As in love with you was I 
Now I thank you for the treachery 
I’m very much aware of the world now
 

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

The Saucers Have Arrived!!!

they're here!
the saucers I've waited for...
It's hard to believe...
we've waited so long!

with a sense of wonder,
and a sense of joy...
at their arrival....
oh boy!...oh boy!...

yes, this seems to be
a red-letter day..
I'm left with only...
one more thing to say...

when, just when, 
will we wait,
till kittens turn to pups,?
do you think I might expect...
to get the matching cups!...
.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

The Body Pillow

I have trouble sleeping,
Yes, that's true,
No matter how many blankets heaping,
They all wind up on the floor,
Yes, that's makin' me blue,
And I don't wanna' stay up no more....

So I went on line,
To some South American place,
They ship goodies oh so fine,
Imagine, from the Amazon River!!!
And they usually come on time

Yes, it's true,
I wouldn't lie to you....
So I ordered this big body pillow,
Bigger than you or me,
And an expensive satin cover,
Oh, what luxury, you see?

I got it yesterday,
Yes, it's true,
The damn thing took up
The entire bed!!
What was I to do??

The two of us can't fit,
I was kind'a feelin' sh__,
Another Tom Bell Dumbbell idea,
What'll I cook up next?
I feel like Ralph Kramden,
Foiled at every turn....
So I took the pillow outside,
Lit it up, and let it burn...

At least I got a little heat,
Out of this dumbbell feat....
What'll I do next?
Why, do I have a hex?

Maybe if I try to do something real dumb,
It'll turn out a brilliant thing...
But, then again, with my luck,
I'll wind up in Sing-Sing.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Yodels, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and Ring-Dings

it doesn't take a lot
to make some people happy
a midnight snack of goodies
with that, oh so sweet, cold milk

could be Malomars,Fig Newtons,
or those yummy chocolate covered
Ring-Dings......
just a small sampling of how
sometimes these small wonders
help us deal with bigger things...

my favorite is the milk, perhaps with
a Pepperidge Farm cookie too...
oh, the Gods were so generous
when they created such as these anew,

sometimes I barely remember
the late evening goodie raid
it's the tell-tale chocolate stains
on my pillow, or sheets where I had laid
that brings it back to me
the price that now must be paid

laundry a day earlier than planned,
another diet quickly canned,
how come I can't stand
the thought of my choclate covered hand
so tonight I hope I strand...
those devilishly delicious treats grand

should I tie myself to the bed?
and let an elf get them for me instead?

all right, this sweet talk is now done
say, I wonder about that bear-claw bun......

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Is It Just Me?

I wonder if I'm crazy,
It seems as though I am
I'm puzzled by so many things
Like what makes grape jelly
different from grape jam?

Or how anyone could have such low self-esteem,
To let their dumb commercials run
Are we to follow the dinosaurs?
And disappear beneath the sun?

Or how I could be so brain-dead
To find in my refrig,
Some food from the time
of the reign of Ramses,
How could I be so dumb?
The very thought, it scares me,
Makes my mind go numb.

Everything I buy or own,
I seem to lose real quick,
Is there a brain tumor inside me?
Or am I just mentally sick?
Too caught up in great thoughts?
Or just too gosh darn thick?

Sometimes I I find I wander
Into a room, and can't remember why
Is this for people normal?
Or did my brain just fry?

I guess there's no good reason,
To worry about things like this,
Sometimes your brain's on target
Sometimes it just can't help but miss.

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Do you?

Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Shouting lyrics to songs
Guzzling beer from bongs

Do you like to dance
Pelvic thrusting at every chance
Giving girls your card
That says Napoleon Bonaparte

Do you like grassy lands
Holding on with both your hands
Praying for your drunken soul
As the Earth spins out of control

Do you like to drive
Going fifty-three in a thirty-five 
Telling cops you can’t be arrested
Because you might be dyslexic

Do you like to call home 
Collect on your new cell phone
Begging for a second chance
Because Bubba has no pants

Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Giving your keys to friends 
Because karma has no end

Do you?

Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Freddy the Fly Meets Sidney the Spider

Freddy the Fly
Meandering on
the ceiling one day,
Suddenly got a "heads up!"

He glimpsed from 
three hundred or so,
Of his left side eyes,
A sight guaranteed
To make a fly's fear
rise.

For there was Sidney
The Spider...
Just "Hanging Around"
On his "Web Site"
Couple of sets of
Spider eyes,
Watching  a Spider delight...

A potential self delivered meal
What a Spider deal!!!

He waved to Freddy
In a "Come Hither" way,
With as close to
a smile, a spider 
is able to make...

But Freedy was
a "Fly Of The World"
And knew an invitation
He should not take...

So Freddy buzzed around
In teasing Sid,
Turns out,
A dumb thing he did...

Suddenly a psssstt...
A mist,
By Black Flag spray,
This fly was kissed.

He spiralled down
In a fly crash landing
Found himself...
Barely standing...

He survived, but now had
Em-fly-sema
His wings would never again
Flap as fast...

He resolved venvenge
On evil Sidney...
For distracting him so much...
He'd find a way to take
The day...
There would be revenge's
touch.


(To be continued....in......
"The Amazing Adventures Of Freddy the Fly"!!!)






Details | Burlesque Poem | |

Sleep Remedy

I've told you how desperate
I am for sleep,
And I got a suggestion
It made me leap
Simplicity itself ; earslugs!

So I went out on a slug hunt,
Without realizing what a stunt,
It takes to be a successful slug-hunter
I found one at last,
Picked it up and so fast,
It oozed through my yucky fingers

More prepared the next chance,
I scooped it up on paper
And watched it's giggly dance,
Dumped it in a glass jar,
And didn't have to go far.
To find my next ear-slug...

Dumped it in as well,
But now I couldn't tell,
What seperated one from the other...
Oh, darn, who cares,
I'll cut this big mess into pairs,
Of suitably sized ear slugs

Home at last,
Poured them out of the glass,
And promptly cut them in 2,
Inserted one in each ear,
I could no longer hear,

But somehow lost my sense of balance,
Crawled to my bed, oh sure,
But I could not long endure
This swishing sound in my ears,
And jelly-like stinking mess
That oozed onto my chest,
And stained my sheets something fearful...

My ears oozed slime for 6 weeks,
And that forbade sleep one seeks,
And the stench of rotting slugs was horrific,
So next time someone suggests ear slugs,
Tell them no thank you please,
Cause I've heard the story of Tom Terrific.