I cut to see if I feel how it's like being human,
I cut to see the pain relinquish inside,
I cut for all the memories that remain to drain down in the sewage
What symbols life runs with death in that rusty pipe.
A slash here and a slash there,
What happened in the past?
A slash here and there,
Soon the memories don't last.
Scissors, knives, razors and sharp edges
keeps a bloody smile, no more weep.
Slice and dice, trim more than the hedges
And I don't care if I go to deep.
One scar closer to a never ending dream,
I don't care if I go to deep.
The sky above me, beauteous and blue
The trees around, cheerful with tops of green
The rays of sol, a joyous yellow hue
With awe, I gaze at this fantastic scene
Although, no beauty can last endlessly
The bright colors dim into somber shades
Stiff brown leaves wither off decaying trees
And now, in the dark, the pulchritude fades
The sky above clouds into a grim grey
The trees bare their wicked branches like fiends
The rays of sol, no longer warm and gay
With terror, I gaze at this dreadful scene
It is time to rest, I shall be set free
The beauty is back, may it forever be.
As I deliberate on sliding this blade across my vein,
The blood flowing out might help ease my pain.
No one can save me from this pain that hurts to my soul,
These are thoughts that are out of my control.
It's like being in hell on earth,
No one realizes how bad depression hurts.
I love but never get love back in return,
I do everything to make someone happy but keep getting burned.
The tone in my voice the look in my eye,
I'm so serious I'm ready to die.
I'm so weak no strength in my bones,
When I'm gone everyone will be left with the unknown.
They will realize how important I was,
They didn't know it before because no one really does.
All I ask is for a little love,
To be treated nice and be peaceful like a dove.
My hearts racing as I contemplate,
Finally realizing what is really my fate.
I have no reason or destiny,
I know that I'll never be truly happy.
This pain is overbearing I can't deal,
No one understands that depression is real.
I think about the people in my life,
And if I did this all my loved ones would be in strife.
So I lay down the blade and never give in,
God wouldn't be happy for committing this sin.
The angels all happy singing in cheer,
Knowing that I'm being strong trying to overcome this fear.
December 19, 2007
~The One and Only~
"Why must we suffer hardships and disease?"
we often wonder. Pain, adversity,
war, famine, death...our philosophy
cannot put the questions to rest or ease.
Depression, mania, infirmities
of the mind,--subjects of psychology
that are all causes of man's great misery...
the most tragic end of these maladies
is death by self. But we're not without hope
or God's compassion; today we can go
on with meds and care: we learn to cope;
it's easy to lose faith when we are low
and in despair, but we are in God's scope
right now...this believe in and always know.
I ****ing hate myself and want to die.
In Utero, I deem inspiration,
but not sarcasm or imitation.
My anguish is authentic and a cry
for help, but why would people waste their time?
Not like their so-called justification
for concern is any indication
that they care enough to bawl, weep and cry.
Nobody will even care when I’m gone,
much less the violated deity.
For that, I am ungrateful and alone.
I scorned her body with a written piece.
A conclusion which should have been forgone.
Forgone like death, which should put me at ease.
They are silently screaming under the canopy
Of the hundreds of branches breathing aloud
Baying for the sky, the sea of trees
Beneath their veil lingers not a sound
Nor earthly remains of a thousand spite
Suicides—who may yet wander west
Through these woods, without respite,
Step after step in purgatorial debt
To the trees which they tainted with broken necks
And minds numbed in narcotic delight
As their veins became too polluted and wretched
And left themselves to decay in the daylight
Aokigahara, mother of permissive relief
May your black trees shroud their endless grief.
I know you but I don’t know myself
Now I am lost in you with no hope
I knew you and your soul enticed me
For days I watered you with love
I created the complete love incarnate
You compelled me like a witch
I delve for your love portions
But all the time there were whispers
Murmurs of the sweet love dressed
With a ginormous smile that covered
My little dove I trusted with my life
I ran among turmoil of miserable life
Thou I knew that your arms had spaces
Let go of my love now so I shall see eternity
Drink a brief death she did
As it drained her youthful soul
Disproving nature’s course and rid
Her breath, she was no more
Lying eyes upon the face
Of her doom ridden love
She chose her fate and gave chase
Beyond her silken glove
In desperate love and desperate times
Her tears caused a stir
Her father called for wedding chimes
And worsened the state of her
At last came her dire fate as we did foresee
She took a vial from her monk and said
Romeo, Romeo, Romeo I drink to thee
Go this way to dusty death,
And to this way the ground.
Abandon all your final breaths,
And learn not to make a sound.
Bury yourself up to the neck,
And tie the noose's knot.
Keep your feelings in the wreck,
And allow them all to rot.
Take yourself up to the cliff,
And look over to the sea.
Outstretch your arms; give them lift,
And embrace the death to be.
Darkness rules your once clear mind
When you lend unto it all your time.
Despair that drags me down like gravity
(like a black hole that swallows up all matter)
leaves in its wake a hollow cavity;
O God! My pain's so great I think I'll shatter!
I can't seem to escape this black abyss,
this giant hole in my poor, shrunken soul
which starves for happiness, for that once-known bliss
become now so black like the pitch of coal.
But, like to the star that explodes in death
to then gives birth to its second child,
planets, moons, comets, asteroids, then breath
to man and all Creatures of the wild;
So Hope's hand gives to me this second chance,
this oft' assumed Joy's least remembered dance!
Death Of My Lover - Monsieur L'Vampyre
Out of my bleakest darkest memory
that I'd endowed to what must be
there came a burning to my mind
as cold as life to me.
For all the will I had, and how I tried,
to find a place my soul could hide
where I'd be safe from all alone;
short of my lunacy.
In all the secrets of my love's desire
that first showed with her love for hire
I never knew her failing heart
would take her life from me.
In mine own madness when she died away
the tears I shed were night and day
in search of where she might have gone
where life just doesn't see.
There's not a thought I didn't call to mind
as possibilities for me to find
the place she died into that day--
and there -- love might send me.
© Ron Wilson aka veebdosa the doylestown poet
I found embrace upon
the fields of death
Upon the lamps that
speak of lifeless rest
Wherefore I go unknown
to wealth on breath
I wish Eden be mild to
own my breast.
Confess'd I young to
prowl in scarlet deeds
Against the bitter-sweet
bestows of life
Against the written laws
of Heaven creeds
To battle reason, strive
and curl to strife.
The joy I saw imprest
uþon my dreams
I wish to see today but
see no more
A sky of clouds a-float the
Or glorious smiles myself
had living bore.
I wish the nests be laid of
To dine in Eden's arms
and flee the fire.
Wandering aimlessly throughout dim halls
As babble spills from around the corner.
Then there’s the knife in the drawer, it calls
For a slit of my throat with no torture.
Eating lacks its former comfort and joy
When salty tears roll down onto your plate
Due to the disdain they’ll always employ
It crushes the chest like a giant weight
Struggling to bear my life’s burden alone
While grief breaks what’s left of my withered soul.
Until a blissful day written in stone
Shows me as a diamond pressed from hard coal
Perhaps that moment will sooth my distress
I’ll return to my departed finesse
Suffering torments a miserable life
Depression is the decay of the soul
The divine pain; abort with the midwife
Hopeless despair punctures a vast black hole
Choosing a method; entrusting myself
Letting the blood exhaust and fall away
At long last, bid humanity farewell
So gentle in peaceful silence I stray
The sweet waves of blackness swallow my pain
Tender oblivion; I grant nothing
Cold hug of solitude fades in the rain
All abandon with the touch of a wing
Alas, I am snatched back to existence
These arms cannot speak to my persistence
Sitting here listening to voices unclear,
Not knowing why she does what they say,
She sits down and listens in fear,
Holding herself, she will try wishing them away.
She tries to reason with the voices,
She says they’re not really there,
They say she has two choices,
She argues that’s not fair.
Her parents think she’s crazy, they worry that she’s lost it,
It causes too much pain for her to see the tears in their eyes,
They fear that one day her wrists she will slit,
She knows now that they see through her smiling disguise.
Her mind the Devil will rape,
As she plans her sweet suicide escape.
Gazing at my body there on the floor,
feeling more pain now than ever before,
I see the gun lying there by my hand,
a pool of blood there where I land,
I see my mother as she opens the door,
then all is lost in her screams of horror,
My father rushes in, Pulling me to his chest,
screaming my name and trying his best,
He knows when he feels my cold damp skin,
my time on this earth has come to an end,
I see pain and hatred burning in their eyes,
How could I do this, I don't want to die,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I try hard to scream,
yet it is useless as if in a dream,
Terror and Sorrow flooding my soul,
Oh dear God I just didn't know,
The pain it would cause those left behind,
how I forever have scarred their minds,
Now it's too late the pain they can't hide,
just because of a selfish act of suicide.