I do not know?
How can I be selfless without being used?
How can I be demanding without being so rude?
How can I open up without closing back down?
How can I speak if you don't hear a sound?
How can I trust without being betrayed?
Yet how could I leave... even after you stayed?
But how can you love me when I won't let you in?
So many questions.... where do I begin?
Memories now blurred, flying through my mind……
Now, I’m trying to repress the days of being youthful and blind.
Every morning I pull on my armor, right from within,
Preparing for a war, that I intend, to win.
If my heart is my comrade and my mind is the enemy,
Then in the midst of this battlefield,
Life is the remedy…
Trying to stay sane, knowing that although this is temporary, nothing is vain…
Learning that there is always a purpose and people will try to corrupt us, and bring you great shame…
Being told that ‘Victory isn't given to he who starts the race the strongest, but he who endures until the end.’
Trying to suspend you from learning to depend... on yourself,
instead making you depend on the wealth,
Of someone who doesn't even know who he is,
while you’re grasping the stealth of your true identity, in your right hand, in your heart, the knowledge…
Never been withheld
Feeling the world come crashing down on you, compacting into a mist of air so cool,
The breeze passing right through, right into the depths of your pores, to ensue,
The burning and broken and fragile pieces of the inhabitants of the earth from your birth til' now..
Physically becoming everything that you breathe, touch, conceive, munch, perceive, every aroma...
And every great or insignificant trauma, reflecting off your skin oh so temporarily, the mark so paper thin…
Physically, THAT is what you are…
Because we only see the physical, right?
Yet, behind every movie is there not a director… a cast?
And behind every painting is there not an artist, combining colors and lines so vast?
And behind every child is there not a journey, a past?
That you did not walk, yet you know that it’s there, not by sight, scent, taste, touch, or hearing... But something inside you, that says it makes sense, KNOWS that all of that is there,
(Dedicated to Folake)
Your eyes, woman
are like twilight rainbow
amorously bearing aloft passions of mine
toward androcytic ecstacy.
They tell of endless lights.
Night skies clarion the warmth of you
keep me balled-up till
i am tilted to your adorned essence.
May I call up words to adore you,
agglomerate them into a panoply of worshippers
unsandalled before you
like Moses at the burning bush.
And now you seem to fall asleep
but you tell me it's the heavy night
bidding toward a sunny dawn
wherein our love is lighted.
Slowly I let you fall asleep
impatient with the long night
waiting to gaze once more
into the eyes of my lovely love.
Then a lip is placed on yours
and you rouse up wide-eyed
smiling at my romantic move.
We enjoyed the night, cruising on.
Last April, for me, had dull and dark days
God will bless, had said, the Hopeful May
Than came June with a shower of love
Happy was July as, I found my beloved
August we planned for bells to ring
December the fifth, for the vows to sing
From shop to shop went sweet September
Flowers and star to adorn the December
Waiting and longing for my lover
Please skip the year, Oh Dear October
The naughty November, bought me a surprise
And you left me alone, breaking all ties
With broken dreams came dear December
Memories of past hitting like a hammer
New hope I will get, to me, said January
Leave the past behind and do not worry
February came and then came March
Your love in my heart, still like fire, a parch
Looking at my life with a blank gaze,
April, for me, has dull and dark days.
Tuesday April 15, 2008
I do not know?
hello! hey! boungiorno! what is the date?/
this world of dimensions created duality/
no letters/ no words/ are enough to express/
someone like you/ in reality/
i filled all your emptines/ MY still quiet bay/
as Jhon opened world in his Yoko/
you searched perfect princes/ looked for "right him"/
now at only one overman looking/
i swear/ i will hold you/ as much as i can/
would become all the axes/ and outer space/
voice is speared by the screaming wind/
falling down/ flakes to your place/
going crazy just seeing your knees/
don't regret anything/ my Benito/
unbelievable/ perfect/ unbearable/
you whisper/ "la comedia e finita"//
Lilies of April,
seen by a silent parrot,
droop over red vase.
All windows are shut,
no presence of anyone...
who will water them?
A reflection of moonlit innocence.
Once, happy days were like sand
slipping through my fingers.
I could not keep hold.
I was only a girl.
In the darkness of night,
the man in the moon
smiled down on me.
Never alone or cold
was I in the light.
Though the world cannot
protect a child from pain,
the moon still smiles
providing respite in the night.
The child within thanks the moon
for his warm smile.
A reflection of stolen innocence,
a face veiled in fear given peace
by the moon's glow,
a security blanket in the twinkle of stars.
I prayed for peace in a place of broken souls
and God showed His face in a shining moon.
I pray for a thousand years of love in moonlight.
I still shed tears for the girl but no longer fear.
The man in the moon still smiles,
a constant in an unpredictable world.
By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders, April 9, 2012
Fifth place in April Poem contest (PD)
Inching front like a hero,
Unable to amend-
Of some Men!
Too far by miles
Thence too close to my heart
Lots of stories to share with you
With buckets of tears
and a glass of smiles
With myraid of unfulfilled wishes
and one win over several busts
I pretend if you were here
As it is time
I need your presence
before April ends
and month May begins
For me with ocean of tears.
I need to rest
Am tired of being a living mortal
Too much to squall
and little of being a playing marionette
With you I will find an existence of mine
Please come back to your motherland
As I pretend you to be here
As it is already time
that I need your shadow
To see my own essence of life
before April ends
and month May begins
For me with hell of curses and fears.
I need to breathe
Am exhaling smokes of being a corpse
Too much of flames
and so lean of being of the open sky
With you can fly to the heaven
Your presence here can make my wings spread
As I already pretend you to be here
To feel my own reliance
I need your feathers to build my nest
But when April ends
and month May begins
Without your presence
I will be shedding my eminence.
Note: This poem is dedicated to my friend Angshumala Goswami
clouds and sky of April
will become a beautiful zoo
entertain me every afternoon
and plants more friendly
for little feet who walks
the only reason I believe
because fewer contain pain
wherever will go and arrive,
your steps can leave the door
As the day approaches,
I dread it with every fiber.
To the lucky,
This day holds no significance.
But for us,
If marks another year without you,
Another day our family weeps.
A Spring afternoon racing marathon miles -
a crowd thick with families, runners and smiles,
shocked and bloodied by the burst of bomb’s twin blast
decimating the thrill of the finish line to be passed,
forever marking the moment when we collectively cried
as innocents were bloodied, were damaged, and died.
When roar of crowds and victories cheers
turn to blistered rage and painful tears -
when a moment where valiant struggles end
is broken by flesh as it burns and rends -
then the flash of a coward’s malicious act
highlights a city’s strength as fact.
And in the drifting smoke’s noxious gloom -
instead of the terror the heinous act assumes,
the fire that burns in every patriot’s breast
ignites heroism in the strongest and the best,
driving moments of humanity and heart
that refuse to allow us to be torn apart.
A tradition that’s lived more than a hundred years
will outlive a moment of a madman’s fears.
A city that has known two centuries of time,
its citizens stronger than any single act of crime,
will never bow down to the jackboot of fear –
the race will see a lot more runners next year.
Admitting that I don’t
Still care even though it’s not fair
to be without everything
that made me
exactly what it was to feel
what it was to be real
and now I don’t care anymore
Like the hands on a clock change
Arms roll loose and free
Never knowing what to grab
Or to even believe in me
To catch a fall from a distance
Even though it’s right next to me
You still can’t believe
I’d be there for every instance
Rollin like eyes on a face
too bad the smile’s fake
never seeing through to the truth
but the words can’t lie
when it makes the features
turn, to a painful time
Cause the thought remains
Of how it’s never the same How I changed my ways
In these turbulent days
I can’t face now what’s in store
Cause there’s always gonna be that much more
Waiting, and hiding,
Behind every curve
Like the moonlight
Sitting on the edge of your nerves
Shattering hopes and dreams
And revealing what’s not anymore
When the light shines green
its just to deceive
Even though it’s against
Everything you’ve seen
Inside the heart
Filled with stains from yesterday’s rain
Leaving what’s left in the distance
And never feeling what’s real anymore
Try to look past the stage, of the rage
Knowing full well that
In this world we dig our own graves
Take me, I can not fight myself
Stretching, a life’s worth is just too much
Saddening, to run from my old self
Causing, a stigma in my eyes
You hear a chime
Lost in age,
A match to a time
When everything was safe
Take everything with a grain of salt cause
In the end it’s no one’s fault
On a memory fading in the wind
No matter what it’s still a sin
Just roll with the punches kid
It’ll all turn round in the end
The world turned back to cold today
I turned, you turned, we walked away.
Four months alone to see your face
For hours few, but worth the wait.
And even though while at her side
You looked content to other eyes,
I think I glimpsed the hurt you feel,
I think that kiss was far from real.
Slightly snowy Bouquet of red roses,
Glowing and shimmering with all color shades of light purple Egypt lilies,
On the forgotten Gods on Earth and in space always ,
Accidentally noticed but then later banned by the Queen of All Snows ,
All steering on it with unrelenting attention intently and carefully , marveling at its beauty,
Reflected as in a mirror in miriards of the gloomest color shades in the clouds ,
Evaporates in the endless void of space distances ....
A scrambled mind, with so much,
I am at a loss for words.
Confused to a point I can't find my way back,
and my voice will never be heard.
The silence ringing in my ears,
is driving me insane.
All bottled up inside myself,
bowing my head in shame.
The constant movement in my head,
I am spinning out of control.
Reaching out for a little peace,
for something to ease the soul.
Tossed aside so carelessly,
I am damaged beyond repair.
Searching far and wide,
for someone to show they care.
Hanging on by a single thread,
my body fills with fear.
Wandering around and screaming inside,
but only I can hear.
The loneliness takes over me,
I don't know how much more I can take.
Holding on to all that I can,
I am certainly ready to break.
One dark, debase moment of human deceit,
Explodes bloody carnage down into the street.
Wallets and windows fly, smoking and smashed.
Marrow and metal land, mangled and mashed.
Fragments in coffins, sealed soft in this earth.
Prayers pronounce endings too soon after birth.
Witness the mothers, who shriek names and weep,
Then credit the Devil. His hands need no sleep.
How ya doing?
Is life treating you good?
Are you happy now?
I hope you are.
I hope everything is working out for you.
I hope you can find what you're looking for.
You know you can never go back.
You know you can't change what has already been done.
You have to look forward.
We have to look forward.
The past can not be undone.
We have to look forward.
No more pointless day dreaming.
No more thinking of "what if."
I only hope that you're happy with the decisions you've made.
I only hope that this is what you wanted.
Did it play out the way you wanted?
Did your life turn out the way you planned?
Did all your expectations get filled?
Was I holding you back?
I'm sorry if I was.
I thought you wanted more.
I thought you wanted better.
Better than what you grew up with.
Better than what we had.
Obviously better than what we had.
I'm sorry for everything.
Everything that added to nothing.
Obviously nothing is what I had to offer.
Good thing you didn't take it.
I love you.
April decorates Nature
with snowy festivity...
to resemble a season so wintry;
will the unwelcome snow head for the shore?
The very disappointed skies gleam unpleasantly,
and the saturated earth weeps in agony;
who commanded the wrath of the tempest...
when winter supposed to be laid to rest?
The snow's showers cover the budding hills
quicker than the gelid rain of winter;
far and away...hope is illusory and brief,
and the questioning mind deflects its early coming!
Does this season have a late beginning,
or is it caused by an unknown factor?
April has smothered winter and hasn't protected
the trees, flowers and plants from frost;
almost everything has perished in its ferocious course,
and the desperate farmer deplores an harvest so scarce!
Inside is so cozy and warm, the gusty wind
is heard through the fireplace that retains the heat
of the crackling logs underneath;
some folks cherish moments like these!
April decorates Nature
quite beautifully and impressively;
brutally or unfairly...
it becomes an inevitable rapture!
I do not know?
The rain came down as so did the tears
unexpecting what would come after the
following years. So much left unsaid and
so much left to do I kissed your cheek
and said "i love you". We hoped for a
better tomorrow as time stole your soul
you gave me a wink an told me to never
lose control keep my eyes alive in your
heart for that would never die,Empty
thoughts consume my heart and mind
as i try to full fill your hopes and
over power mine.I read your words in
secret pages and the hurt you felt for
so long and your beautiful smile to
hide the words kept hiding are now
forever gone.The room became cold that April day as i watched your beautiful
smile turn to gray. Holding your hand
I felt you speak "Take care of your
self an my heart is yours to keep
remember our laughs,an not so much
the tears,but keep all close as I
will capture your fears". Sweet April
rain never knew the way it would fall
nor did it know it would take you
when it called.You left behind A
memory that would last till the end
and a voice that could reach behind
sin,Strong but stern,happy at times
but angry at most,you kept the promise
of always being close.I believed in
prayer to get us threw. Only one made
it an it was'ent you.You fought for so
long but i had to say goodbye,I promised
i'd never forget the tears of sadness
we cried.The happy times live on in me
and i will see you again some where above
the sea.Still the April rain continues
to fall until i see you again and you
greet me with my name i hear you call.
muzzle of sun
till wind changes--
turns its back,
broods, then touches
of sateen summer.
I do not know?
My birthday, Ur Christmas, His death
Toe to toe, heals to floor, fallen with missed steps
The 21st day of September
9th child of birth, must be hell for her to remember
Then again, maybe she's happy
Living life rejoiceful, sitting on the same doorstool
Bless the heart of this poor fool
That was my birthday, this is ur Christmas
As if holidays were forgotten
Seems these passing noels only could kiss us
Perhaps that's good enough
Besides, this is coming from a child
Whom never understood himself
Circling thoughts, is he abandoned
Is he still a follower of ur Christ
No longer do I lay immortal on melting ice
Recieve your gifts, for misery will never decieve this myth
That's Ur Christmas, this is his death
First weekend of April, last sunday of February
Love me! I'll wed you, then be buried
I've become fond of you
But I'll never miss this burden I've carried
Granted no sins, no chances to win
In this failing day, I'm so eager to attend
Ur son, my mothers child, have my coffin rest on another isle
My brother I knew little of you
But I miss your smile
This was my birthday, Ur christmas, His death
Lately all I’ve been finding are shadows
I turn around and there’s nothing left
But a vague reminder of who I used to be.
And when the mirror finds me-
I fear I have to go-
But I wish that you could know…
Oh, wishes fall from my lips like the words you fail to hear:
…There’s no use repeating them here.
No matter what you claim to forget,
No matter what you do-
There has never been anyone but you.
And I pray that you will find me again-
I hope that you will smile.
And then I remember that you’re gone too.
And it’s been quite awhile.
I almost give up.
How easy it would be to slip into the shadows
That are hiding everything.
I look behind the place I stand, and its here that I realize-
The shadows already have me.
They stole me the day you said.... no.
And I am not angry.
What would be the point?
And I am not heartbroken
(I hate to disappoint).
Don’t think I forgot-
“If time can’t change my mind, what chance have you got?”
What’s the point in even dreaming-
When there’s nothing left to dream?
And when everything around me is exactly as it seems?
I wave towards the shadows- I welcome the reply.
It looks me in the eye- challenging me to go back to you.
I linger for a moment, on the past and on the view-
Thinking that you might…
You don’t. You never do.
I do not know?
The sun is setting and alone I watch the stars come out and play
Emptiness once again fills my night and conversation always begins and ends with silence
Fore I am learning to be alone
Realizing how many tears it will bring me
And tomorrow will be another day of all the reasons why no one can come and see me
So here I ponder over what is next; over who truly cares
Feeling lost; with thoughts of worthless days, overwhelming my mind.
And I shall watch the sunrise; yet again witnessing beauty by myself
Questioning my life
How long I will let this loneliness consume my heart
Imaging this forever
The silence here has become my worst and only fear.
As I lay here and I cry, lonely, waiting for another empty day
A day filled with silence and sadness
A day where I am still so lost