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Religious Humorous Poems | Religious Poems About Humorous

These Religious Humorous poems are examples of Religious poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Religious Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Rhyme | |

Religion's Mask

Religion wrapped up with a bow
Sanitized, alphabetized, in 
order all up in a row
No questions asked your belly 
full your pockets overflow 
Sieg heil, tow the party line
You'll be religion"s ho
Grab your pitchforks, torches 
too we marching up the hill
The doctors in with body parts 
and still attempts to build
In frenzy and with blood thirst 
no mercy we'll extend 
No matter what the truth is
we rally all the troops, and fight until the end
Just justify your actions
And say "God told me to"
For this will ease your conscience 
And make your lie sound true
While the things that really 
Are lying unattended
To Mercy Grace or Humility
Your knee remains unbending 
Your form of godliness has no 
power God can see
But just hold another seminar 
and make the topic . . . 
Stroke my pride fix my 
marriage and my children too
Three easy steps become a 
partner and then it's free for 
But send your money in today 
Or we're going off the air
But my book is free my teeth 
are straight I got morning talk 
show hair
Forget the sick forget the 
hurting their sin is their own 
Let's just make sure we got our 
steeples and stained glass 
windows bought
We don't really want to touch 
them for fear of their disease
But we do like our pews padded 
and we do enjoy our ease
Because we know that God's 
main concern is to make us all 
feel good
And we 'll write another book 
about it
When He don't act like we think 
He should
And I'm sure when we stand 
before Him
He'll pat our heads and say
Because you were religious 
You made Me smile today
I think you see by now
This is not how it will be
For powerless religion is not 
your destiny
And now you stand here gazing 
Wondering what next I will say
 Looking at hypocrisy
 I bid you all good day

 2nd Timothy 3:5

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: III

Beauty of nature
Why condense it down to God?
Isn’t life enough?

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?

Details | Haiku | |

Aliens at Your Bedroom Window

Don’t worry now child
There's no god, so worship space
You are not alone.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Dragon Fly

(To be read after my 'Fire and Brimstone'.)

Dragon Fly, Dragon  Fly, fly away home. You’ve caused enough trouble here, I am told.
All you wanted was to ring the church bell, but the belfry your body did not take well.
Terrible things happened all around, and the belfry you left is certainly not sound.
Old Lady Moore still has her cane, to protect them again, if you cause harm, within.
Old Lady Swanson’s lost hat is her major complaint, apologize profusely, be a saint!
The Church belfry will need lots of work; by the carpenter Trolls to fix it’s bridgework.
The people all need to calm down, they were scared and now the church is shutdown.
Looks like they’ll need a new fancy annex to be built for weddings and such… 
To help them  forgive… even… ever… slightly… enough. Though, of course…
The preacher himself…wants you back, for sure; I am definitely, and totally assured.
He’s never been inspired to such lofty greatness to soar, never, not even, once before.
He says you hold his key, to reach the lost, as they tune in to see what’s coming next.
He wants to add even, the Trolls to the mix. If they can be saved, well, you get the gist.
And you’ll have to attend church for quite a while, yes, still, as an itsy bitsy Dragonfly.
You’ll need to get forgiveness from all, you know, before you grow big, again, I am told.
The witch is quite clear on this spell, a dragonfly you’ll stay till everything’s made well.
Seems, you also, owe them an apology, for half scaring them… well… nearly to death.
Bumps, bruises, and a broken arm need to heal, from jumping over the pews, they feel.
Plus some of the teenagers, have made tee shirts of you, and want your autograph, too.
You see, your limited edition, when signed, will pay their way to bible camp, this time.
And the girl with the cast on her arm, wants a picture of you on a leash, so be charming!
You see, you scared her, a really whole lot, if she can pet you, her fear will be forgot.
It seems, you really messed up, this time, you see… but all will be forgiven, eventually.
So Dragon Fly, Dragon Fly, fly away home. They understood, once your story was told.
If you agree to all I have said: They’ll give you a bell outside, to ring before church…
Each and every Sunday Morn, with a special alcove, made for only you, to perch...

Remember, if God can love a mischievous little Dragonfly... And he can love you, too.
So until next church time... Bye Bye...

Details | Light Poetry | |

Fire and Brimstone

I was giving a lesson on the Liberty Bell, as the daily Church bells went off.
Yes, you guessed it, Dragon wanted to ring them, suddenly he was aloft.
Before we could follow, he was out of sight, but that didn’t matter, anyhow.
The only steepled church, with bells, is on the other side of town, I vow.
Time was against me, as I hurried, for my Dragon, had been quick, my friend.
It took only a moment, for him to get in trouble as, yes, he surely did, again!
At the Belfry, he found no bells; they’d gone to canned sounds, the week before.
He was so intent on finding their location, that he opened the belfry trap door.

Tail in the air, head thru the trap door, Dragon fell and became completely, stuck!
Worse yet, Wednesday’s service was going on, the church was packed. My luck!
Imagine preaching fire and brimstone, as a Dragon appears, puffing fire and smoke!
He disturbed the peace… as he yelled for help, with a crazed and mighty roar.
Instead of help, he got a whopping, from the cane of, dear old lady Moore.
She was protecting everyone, as they tried, to make it out of the doors.
Now, Dragon panicked, as he knocked the steeple belfry, partially loose.
An earthquake knocked a few, off their feet, as dragon tried to get loose.

This became the best fire and brimstone service the preacher ever gave!
The sermon rocked, as a parishioner blew the fire extinguisher in Dragon’s face!
Dragon began to sneeze and cough. Yep, it was a whooping, big mistake!
Now, people began to panic, and blocked every exit there was, to take!
I needed to get in, to stop this, before anyone could, truly get hurt!
The neighborhood witch had followed, and as she laughed all heard!
She loved us as neighbors, for we tickled her funny bone, every night.
I implored her to save the day, for a lot of lives were definitely, in plight.

She was very inventive, you know, to turn him into an itty-bitty, dragonfly.
Now, he finally escaped, though he sneezed and coughed for a very, long, time.
The preacher’s sermon went viral, as time immortal, famous, he became.
But old Lady Swanson came too close, as her favorite, go to meeting hat…
Well, you can say, the hat everyone hated to sit behind… It went up in smoke!
That day became known, in infamy, as the only one, Dragon went to Church!
I didn’t pay the witch’s price, to make him big again. She said it wouldn’t be wise.
Just leave him like that, till the mob simmers down. He can pay his own price.

Written 5-19-2013

Details | Lyric | |

Blasphemy--Warning: Explicit language and highly offensive

(These are lyrics to a song I wrote called "Blasphemy")

Mother Mary sat on a bench with me today
But I couldn't think of one goddamn thing to say
'Cept, "Mother, oh! Won't you please save my soul right now?
I'd gladly do it but I don't know exactly how"
Hail Mary! Bless me twice!
Judas betrayed Jesus Christ
In Revelations, prophets said
John the Baptist lost his head

You gotta pander to my ego
Herod was my hero
Why didn't Noah's Ark fall apart?
Genesis was...just the start

St. Peter slammed those Pearly Gates right into my fuc*ing face
Just too much sin I can't get in; no mansion there for me awaits
The wife of Lot, she turned to salt, but it was not all her fault
She ran away and then looked back as Sodom burned, and that's a fact

Repeat Chorus...

Well, life was Hell so Jonah sailed into the belly of a whale
Daniel in the lion's lair; Delilah chopped off Samson's hair
Cain killed Abel out of spite as the Lamb of God got sacrificed
There came the Whore of Babylon while Thomas doubted every-one

Repeat Chorus...

**Just trying to post something a little different ;)

Details | Lyric | |

A Godly Insight

"What if you woke up tomorrow with only
what you asked god for today?"
As I read, a scowl is freed, then a smile
indeed, and I'll tell you why - I say:

"Poseidon is not so beneficent,
And neither - I wager - is Zeus.
So it seems to me if a man is honest,
he wakes up with what HE has produced."

This much is true. But I jest, of course,
I know they mean well, but let's see...
If god is provider, I'll have some hot cider!
...And yet none is present for me.

"Now, now, be a gentleman. Don't let your
sharp tongue be like teeth." I think.
But if others' boats fill with water,
ought I not inform them they'll sink?

Details | Couplet | |


If some fruit is forbidden in Eden,
Eden soon also will be forbidden.

Volodymyr Knyr

Details | Lyric | |

Rain Man

we got a lot of rain man's wearin ray bands tryin to shake hands
with baked fans it a staged plan to get carly rea pants in front of a video tape.
stumblin mumblin bumblin fools trying to get paid
To say f this chick and f that one
whatever absurd word that flows right off of this tongue
got a dirty mouth, here is some orbitz gum
im sweatin bullets and i cant even afford a gun
but its so free if i want to abort my son then take his lungs
so i can be one hundred and forty one
and be here to see the thwarting of the sun

mr. obama who've worn out your welcome
But what do I know? I'm this republicun
who thinks all  girls and boys should become
either a monk or nun and never cum
and pay for all of our condoms and pregnancy prescriptions
Or am I christian who cant have fun
because I know hun its wrong to drink coke and rums
till i am drunk and wait for the ring to get buns
then go condemn kids with weed and pokemon

And its sad to think this what our kids believe
cause this what they preach on the MTV
and  their  heart beat beats to each tweet and re-tweet
till a pick leaks online then they move on to vines
whatever better trend setter that stimulates the mind

Details | Couplet | |

Start Singing to the Choir

Start Singing to the Choir

What would you really rather do?
Have delightful dream that does come true;
Maybe a great game will want to go to
Where all of the players you would know.

Each place with friends no matter where I went,
By the Lord Himself I had always been sent;
Book in Bible decided He wanted me to write
If with me it certainly would be alright.

Was my biggest assignment I ever had
And when it was done boy was I glad;
Never charged a send and did it for free;
Went and did write book of Deuteronomy.

To read Bible God has the strangest ways
After finally finished had to give God praise
Several days passed by and were gone
When He wanted me to write book of John.

Roaring and raving mad was almost stark;
God told me to write about Noah and the Ark
About people and animals who were aboard;
Each one of them lividly loved the Lord.

I'm no longer a teenager and fully grown
And now have a Bible of my very own;
What I still like about mine the best
Is by God and Jesus it has been blessed.

Each time when Bible is in my presence
I love its each word in every essence;
Got older and days of my life increased
And my parents wanted me to be a priest.

There are ten commandants I can count
And Jesus gave great sermon on a mount;
Being I'm of great health, hale and hearty
Church gave me a house-warming party.

And guess what to my wondering surprise
They said again I started to sermonize
Now at church each time when I am there
Forget sermon and for us give a prayer.

Service is short, sweet, simple and exquisite;
Each and every time when you pay us a visit
Before you expire give your whole entire,
And join so you can start singing to the choir.

James Humorous Humongous Horn

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: VII

Non-existent God
Subject of poor poetry
Just like this one. Damn.

Details | Couplet | |

Soon She Won't Be

Soon she won't be our great secretary
Which to all of us does seem so scary; 
As audacious, administrative assistant
Performance is persistent and consistent.

Also, forever in future we always regret
Her going away which we had to let
If longer with us would stay for a while;
You would see us still wearing a smile.

In church, we were wiggling and squirming
While we did listen to Father Dave's sermon
Which quite a congregation they all drew
We even found Lovett sitting in front pew.

James Thomas Horn

PS. Lovett is our church secretary
who will be a full-fledged parishioner
again at the end of April 2014.

Details | Couplet | |

Why No Wine

Be sure to put on your sense of humor caps
and think about this one for a long while.

Why No Wine

Had eaten a hamburger I did embellish;
With cucumber, catsup and some relish
Then somewhere found my mind in a fog
Forgot about buying bun with a hot dog.

Drink cup of coffee, thought that I might
And a donut which in always do delight
Back home eventually had slowly returned
To see what else my wife had badly burned.

My body quickly became bare to the bone
And I have started to cook on my very own
Size of my blundering body is now fat and big
Now have to walk around while wearing a wig.

How much I love her, she will never know
I often sang in old song that told her so
Can you believe we were divorced by the Pope
And with a wild nun he would make me elope.

My firmness is now flabby and I am flustered
Catholics at communions never serve any custard
Priest rode away on erotic horse who was equine
But behind left host after taking all of the wine.

Which is why unpleased parishioners have 
been served only a host without any wine.
A priest is always a perfect host for a party.

Not only do Catholic priests serve a host
They also even do it from coast to coast.

Details | Couplet | |

I Would Often Wonder

Many Times I would often wonder
Why there is turbulence and thunder
Big waves which around will whirl
And tornadoes which seem to swirl.

Weather to me always does amaze
Do you think it is a form of praise
Which we offer to God we love
Even from below or else up above.

Avalanches at times also will occur
And people can create quite a stir
Disturbance followed by a commotion
Especially with my shaving lotion.

I presume all women with their perfume
Knows that overhead our doom does loom
Women by God were the ones manifested
To upset things men should have digested.

Women and weather we must put up with
And someone once asked was it a myth
A man on a ship may have been decked
When he told his wife he was hen pecked.

James Thomas Horn

Details | Couplet | |

Beyond Compare

Beyond Compare by James Thomas Horn
Entire church choir may moan and groan if left alone
But beautiful Lisa sings in a league of her own
Beyond belief sounds she starts to emit
Meant in flow of music to perfectly fit.
Marg's magical hands make miracles when she plays
While people there will give God praise
With her marvelous music we sing along
Joy and much merriment are in each song.
So what can happen if you should survive?
Putting up with people on Saturday Night Live
So Sunday Morning service can start to hear
While we hope our worries will disappear.
What is it which should seem so surprising?
Sun started rising and you heard sermonizing;
Even though things in life may be hard to bare
Father Dave's sermons are above and beyond compare.

No matter how far away we are 
Will see God in each shining star  
With message meant for you and me 
From sins finally will be set free.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

In Conclusion:

No matter how far away some people are
They shall see God in each shining star
With message meant for you and me
From all sins we will be set free.

Details | Couplet | |

Soul saving

The fact that He saves only souls 
not fully consoles.

Volodymyr Knyr

Details | Couplet | |

An Early Holiday Poem

This seems to be my Poetry Soup way of life:
"Thank you for your wonderful poems. We only 
allow 10 poems posted per 24hr period so that 
more poems are read. Thanks again for your 
wonderful poety. In the meantime, please 
comment of the poetry of others." Look at
this Poetry Soup Comment and tell me what 
is wrong with it? How about poety and of
which should be on for starters? Don't
get me wrong. I am just trying to be a nice
guy. They didn't put any of my recent poems
on their recent email either. My jinx has
just been broken so here goes:

An Early Holiday Poem Part 1

I certainly must make a confession
She sure seems to have such an obsession 
About a glorious new star and it siting
Inviting an occasion for poem to be writing.

Compared to other ones, this star outshone 
Appearing like it was standing there all alone
Way up high in a completely dark sky
While we on earth were wondering why.

Some people were making and declaring an edict
About somewhere in Bible were people predict
A great, huge star someday will soon appear
Signifying the Christ Child was close and near.

Yet, they didn't have a recorder called a cam
But I believe it was in beloved Bethlehem
Cute Christ Child was cuddled in a big barn
So everyone could start spreading a yarn.

Three wise men met Jesus with their presence
With all of their real, actual pleasing presents
Which created quite a stir with their demure
With some perfume, frankincense and Mir.

After perfectly planned party was finally done
Christ Child's glorious life had now begun
Outside many people started to toil and tarry
And rebuilt barn into a Romanesque Monastery.

Why did they pick a Romanesque style of all things?

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

An Urge to Purge

Had an urge to purge songs which were a dirge
And on many spiritual songs start to splurge
Which will really liven up the whole place
And put a smile on each and every face.

We sound like being in a period of mourning
When all around us is always adorning
Which is none other than God and Jesus
Who can cure my many cases of enuresis.

When I go to church I get so excited
Because by Them I have been invited;
On God's Son Jesus I have a big crush
Then go to bathroom and have to flush.

I have an experience which is really moving
I started to rock and roll and am grooving
After giving it my all and whole entire
They actually want me to join the choir.
James Thomas Horn

Details | Couplet | |

What We All Already Know

What We All Already Know

About our world, what we all know the best
Is directions are north, south, east and west
With one which is opposite of the other;
Like this one would God actually make another?

Suppose if God with all of His great powers
Had made some other world looking like ours
What would he make that were differences?
Without worrying about added expenses.

Making people who will pray every day
To me, would be an exact, perfect way
That can take a load off a person's mind
And pass salt, please try to be so kind.

That is what our world is comprised of
Someone who is looking or a lot of love
After searching in each nook and cranny
Ending up with feeling that is uncanny. 

Maybe to other world our love left and went
Which is why God His only Son has sent
Who we are to believe in and truly treasure
Save us from sins that are beyond all measure. 

When Christ died each case was closed
On ours, other world was super-imposed
And this time on nothing did God skimmish 
Even sent His Son born without one blemish.
(Maybe skimmish should be skimpish.)

We still wonder why, how, where and what
God could have done with all of the glut
I heard a rumor mentioned by word of mouth
It all ended up somewhere in the south.

James Hideous Fastidious Horn

Details | Couplet | |

About Book of Revelations

About Book of Revelations

This idea with you thought I should share
Is a crazy crime when we start to compare
Each of our personal assets and debits
Yet we still will leave out all of the credits.

In all movies credits are saved until the last
Whole thing went by and is part of the past
Bible was written with many contemplations
Leaving last book until end about Revelations.

I continue reading Revelations and will persist
Most difficult book to understand that does exist
Is like an effect causing an emphatic cataclysm 
And you start suffering from another aneurism.  

There are ways God can get and grab our attention
But in my poem here are too many to mention
So with God each party made a miraculous deal
Book of Revelations they all decided to repeal.

James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

I Was Invited

I Was Invited

About my poems people had predicted
To all of they the will become addicted
Everyone does like them more and more
And are even begged for by the poor.

Who would say such a thing like that?
Maybe about this together we could chat
What you like about my poems and why
And never will pass any of my poems by.

Started expressing thoughts and views
Suddenly my poems became instant news;
Loved them and a Poet Laureate became
And now whole world no longer is the same.

People are vibrant, happy and very content
Understand what my poems have meant;
And pretty soon next thing I did realize
My poems caused me to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Poems are in papers and all over the place
Even on TV where they saved some space;
As usual people had depended on everyone
When wanting humor and to have some fun.

God knew how great all of my poems were
He said in heaven have created quite a stir
And angels with all of them seem so excited
Which is why to God's kingdom I was invited.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Part II of Holiday Poem

On elegant earth, Christmas and Thanksgiving
Are perfect, pleasant days for us to be living
And of our Christian faith are a true confession
Regardless, of all of the current aggression. 

Why be full of foolishness and pulling pranks
When we should be giving God our thanks
For our great, loving world we all live in
And His Son who saved us from so much sin.

Oh come on now and I mean really no way
What we have to say is "Have a Happy Holiday,"
And of all, these have become lesser and fewer,
To me, this makes for many piles of manure.

Arguably, Congress has started a new session
While the population is in a state of depression;
Being all of the members have become a bore
Second coming, we should be searching for. 

Congress always has answers for everything,
But hay wait a minute.... "The Second Coming."

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Each One an Israelite

Each One an Israelite

Are parts of my poems would not put past
You from the beginning until the very last
Are beyond belief and have much doubt
May be hard to tell what they are about.

Noah put people and animals on a big boat
Then to Lord he took much time to devote
What for in his life the Lord had planned
Where would he want to take last stand.

Wind had been blowing in a great bluster
And his name was Noah and not Custer
On hard pan ended up and would land
Be committed to what God did command.

Noah ended up nearly in a state of shock
Friend Moses found things in a hard rock
Heavy and rather then under armpits tuck
He had decided to go out and hire a truck.

Started to see rock was heavy as can be
Commandments were his personal property
Downhill he did not intend to drop or fall
Took them to people to read each and all.

Told everyone to turn on their TV sets
Then when they did to place their bets
On commandment receiving most attention
While rest had received an honorable mention.

When read was hard to bare all of the strain
Thou shalt never take My neat name in vein
And even if one day eventually grow old
May find a varicose vein all full of gold.

We never took God's name in vein anymore
And then he said just to even game's score
Beloved Son who I love completely to pieces
Don't use name in vein either who is Jesus.

What an honorable group they all became
And never again ever giving God the blame
But about all the sin tension grew and grew
Jumping Jehoshaphat one had been a Jew.

Amazing how a saying can come into being
Like from sins Jesus was found to be freeing
And then after that He to His sheer delight
Had started calling each one an Israelite.

Think about that one for a while.

James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Instead of Tears Shed

Instead of Tears Shed

God guess what here I am as usual again
After having gone through thick and then
That You helped me work my way out of
Using great ability filled with much love.

About God often would begin to truly think
Of how deep dirty dishes are in stupid sink
Knowing it was God's help I should elect
With all His great audacious cleansing affect.

Really makes no difference how hard I try
God cleaned up my life and it did purify
So with you more of Him I should share
Dishonor God no not me would never dare.

Wheels keep spinning and life goes on
And suddenly something on me just did dawn
After almost going slowly fast asleep in bed
Instead of tears shed prayers I should have said.

Wow. Say that without biting your tongue.

James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Make Much Mirth

Make Much Mirth

If God's name each day would always hallow
Then sins appearing in water when shallow
When in church are moved next to back door
Then will leave never to be seen anymore.

As disastrous days of my life increased
Each pretty day will talk with my talented priest
And ask him, "What if  you lived as long as I?"
Would God in heaven be wondering why?

With his education and each great skill
For God, he has a manly mission to fulfill
Which is provide music for us who sing
And keep reminding choir has an opening.

Dastardly choir is always dressed to kill
And at times seems to be singing so shrill
Their singing is asking and trying to say
We might have to meet God only halfway.

At the unforgiven idea, I started to flip
I am receiving a ticket which is roundtrip;
Why would they want me to remain on earth?
In heaven can be merry and make much mirth.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Deaf, Unsightly or Dumb

Have never been deaf, unsightly or dumb
But where do my poems keep coming from?
As each page with pin I will sit and stare
And here comes another out of mid-air.

Never before were any ever pre-planned
Looked and right in front of me it did land
Thank God my poem I was not botching
Helped me come up with a clever concoction

Hope it doesn't appear to be pornographic
Or like a beat up body ran over in traffic
Perhaps something short, simple and plain
Causing no strain or on brain being a drain.

What will last poem I write in my life be?
Suppose from all sin it had set you free
Even when weather and sky outside are gray
A path to heaven it just may pave the way.

When in poem God I occasionally mention
May disturb some people and cause dissension
But being for God there is such a high demand
Am sure what I say with ease you can understand.

James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran

Details | Couplet | |

Did Become Deeply Impressed

Did Become Deeply Impressed

Closer a poem you as reader can relate to
Clearer will be understood that is so true
Each line does become distinct and clear
While all of your worries will disappear.

One sure thing which I want to suggest
Most current poem I write will be my best
To love and enjoy never leaving behind
Because it has become fresh in your mind.

My poems won't startle or start swerving
Or near or at end become highly unnerving
Poet Laureates read them and they prefer
To read as many of them they can endure.

Poems into endless ecstasy they will send
You right down to last line of course at end
While reading inside or out when it will rain
None of them are known to drive you insane.

So this thought of mine with you want to share
All my many poems are always beyond compare
Went to heaven and with poem God I addressed;
Even he was moved and much deeply impressed.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran 

Details | Couplet | |

Was Up Tight With A Shiite

Was Up Tight or With A Shiite

From day was born and one I will die
God is there to help and then satisfy;
Not only to have and hold your hand
But squeeze it so hard you can't stand.

For my poetry writing, God does prepare;
Frees my soul from sin and its snare;
No longer will I be trapped anymore,
Dust myself off and devil do deplore.

Free at long last and over and over again
God so graciously did for all of my sin;
Now many more precious poems can write
And was up tight with a Shiite and took flight.
Good night!!!

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran