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Quatrain Humorous Poems | Quatrain Poems About Humorous

These Quatrain Humorous poems are examples of Quatrain poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Quatrain Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Paper Comic

Some don't think  I'm funny
But that's not true at all
Others think I'm serious
Although I'm having a ball

I have a sense of humor
Even though it is my own
I sometimes laugh quite loudly
Mostly when I am alone

When I see other's antics
It's not my wish to be rude
So I listen to each word
And to their actions I am glued

I keep my thoughts to myself
Most of the laughter is inside
For my inner comedian 
Is the one enjoying the ride

All my gathered material
The observations I have made
Conversations and actions
In my mind are all replayed

By reading my words with intent
You'll witness the humour within
My methods are somewhat subtle
For my content is paper thin

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Picnics and Sand

Now I know that beach side picnics and sand
No matter how careful the planning go hand in hand
But it seems whether you sit or whether you stand
Nothing quite goes as you had planned

It doesn't really care where it goes
And I don't just mean between your toes
In your eyes and up your nose
And it doesn't smell like a bleeping rose!

In my shoes and down my shorts
I believe with demons this stuff consorts
To going naked I might resort
And I know I've swallowed at least a quart

When this picnic is over and back home I go
To the warm water of the showers flow
I'll wonder if your troubles are the same as mine
Do you have sand stuck where the sun doesn't shine?

©Donna Jones

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head typist

archy - cockroach reincarnate
from a free verse poet no less
now saw life from the underside
and had to get his thoughts to press

he sneaked onto a writer's desk
at a newspaper late at night
way back in the nineteen-hundreds
it was the finest place to write

the typewriter was set to go
with a sheet all lined up nice
now he just had to find a way
to operate the damn device

unpossessed of hands or fingers
he was suddenly filled with dread
to overcome this handicap
he'd have to really use his head

archy scaled the massive framework
and dived head down with mighty force
the impact and his weight sufficed
barely to type one key of course

no way he could use the shift key
punctuation was not worthwhile
he'd have to use just lowercase
and write in e e cummings style

time and time again he nose-dived
and pounded out a line complete
and then pushed back on the carriage
until it made that ding so sweet

it seemed labor sisyphean
but at last his verse was done
and then he collapsed exhausted
just at the rising of the sun

his column made the daily paper
and many others after that
thanks to his sponsor don marquis
and friend mehitabel the cat

so if you like philosophy
and wry wit that knocks you dead
you should read the verse of archy
a poet who used his head

April 18, 2013

Some of my favorite books as a teenager
were the collections of Archy's articles
penned by Don Marquis from 1916-1936.
These stories were originally illustrated 
by George Herriman, the creator of Krazy Kat.

One of my favorites was "the lesson of the moth"
a nice bit of existentialism, I think...

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Farewell to the Vampire

Parted curtains
puff of smoke.
Parlor trick
or cruel joke?

First a bat,
then human form—
eyes aglow,
fangs enorm.

And in the mirror,
no image there;
it stilled my heart
and stifled prayer.

But Drac was old
and suffered so;
his timing off,
reactions slow.

As he lunged
I stepped aside;
mallet ready,
his chest I eyed.

He lay there stunned,
his big mistake;
I then asked how
he’d like his stake.

2nd Place, Poems from the Vampire, Just That Archaic Poet

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An Ode To Pink Poop

Imagine if our poop was a pretty pink Or smelled like a dozen red roses Beautiful music was heard when we tooted There'd be no need for holding noses We'd relish the thought of soiling our whites To show off a new shade of pink And proud to fart Ludwig's Fifth Symphony While sitting on the throne by the sink It can possibly be construed as a bit unusual To be writing a poem about poop But pink poop deserves special recognition So let's all just let out a big whoop! Imagine if our poop was a pretty pink And smelled to high heaven of roses We'd be so proud of our load of pink magic There'd be no need for holding noses © Jack Ellison 2013

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How Wounded Thunder Earned His Name

               You stand on "Wounded Thunder's” hallowed ground.

                He boomed such boastful tales  that fearless chief!

                There was no brave as clever to be found

                until he met the source of all his grief.

                There came a one who all his tricks would tell,

                and this is where he made his greatest blunder.

                The minx so bold who knew him all too well

                he married, . . . . and her name was "Stealing Thunder."

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Cliches Debunked

To 'ride on somebody's coat tails' Is the most dangerous thing you can do 'Keep a stiff upper lip' is another cliché Mine's not stiff, how about you? 'One good turn deserves another' Turns my stomach if you must ask 'There's no fool like an old fool' I'm quite offended by the last 'Sticks and stones will break my bones' Can break someone's heart as well So if somebody up and says this to you Tell them to go straight to hell 'A penny for your thoughts' is yet another That's pretty damn cheap I'd say A dollar would certainly be more in line With the times we live in today 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' Who made up this silly old verse A bird in the hand is quite messy I'd say Poop on your fingers or worse So I've come to the obvious conclusion Concerning the debunking of clichés Refuse to use 'em coz people abuse 'em You'll wind up much happier I say © Jack Ellison 2013

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Please Don't Tell My Super Jock Friends

Actually saw my first robin today Gayly flitting from branch to branch Please don't tell my super jock friends They're just waiting for a chance They'll start calling me “sweetie pie” And kissing me on the cheek Ask if they could escort me to the ball And giving my nose a wee tweak I'm just as manly as all those guys With a soft side they don't possess No excuses for my feminine tendencies Even comfortable wearing a dress Okay maybe that's going too far The wearing of a dress I mean Really haven't stopped playing with dolls Now live ones wearing tight jeans Can't believe this all started with a robin A harbinger of upcoming spring As I gayly prance through fields of clover To a bouquet of roses I cling! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Let Your Wind Blow Free

Must explain my reason for grinning It's not what you might think Got a cramp down in my nether regions Maybe too many beans methinks It's easy for people to think I'm just happy Coz I am the majority of the time The look on my face can be very similar This time it emanates from behind Think I just need to let a big boomer go One that could shatter tall buildings I hesitate to let the damn thing fly For fear it would loosen people's filling Guess I'll just have to suffer in silence Till I reach a McDonald's restroom If I make it, I hope they build 'em strong Down with my drawers then kaboom! The shattered remains can still be seen They decided to make the site a memorial Seventeen people have lost their eyesight Six swore off Big Macs overall Now I've divulged my reason for grinning It's not that I'm happy, you see The real reason is internal combustion Not allowing my wind to blow free! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Laugh With Jack

Every planet in our solar system Rotates in an anticlockwise direction Except Venus which insists on being different Always one has to be the exception About 75 acres of pizzas are downed In America every single day Probably chow down about an acre myself So I do my share wouldn't you say Our eyes are always the same size from birth However noses and ears get bigger Imagine if our footsies also kept growing Hard to do the Charleston I'd figure The disgusting cockroach is the fastest animal It covers about a meter a second That's faster than me when I need to go badly Running and holding my back end They say only rabbits and parrots can see Behind without turning their heads But mothers also seem to have that ability Try stealing some cookies before bed A goldfish's memory is about 3 seconds The same as me on a good day That's excellent as far as most seniors go Wish it was longer but what the hey Iguanas can stay under water 28 minutes Me too, but I'd miss all my friends Sure hope they'd visit me one last time Before off to the furnace I descend All bubble gum contains a bit of rubber For that bouncy bally effect Makes you able to leap over tall buildings But watch you don't break your neck © Jack Ellison 2013

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Laugh With Jack Revisited

Some lions mate over 50 times a day Now that's really unbelievable I'm only good for about 40 times tops 50 is almost inconceivable The dot over the “i” is called a tittle I'm aware naughty words aren't allowed Though this one's legit I looked it up But don't yell it out in church too loud Only one person in more than two billion Lives to 116 or older Sorry to disappoint you my P-Soup friends I intend to be that record holder An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain Know quite a few people like that Some are members of my immediate family They's dumber than the household cat The longest recorded flight of a chicken Is thirteen seconds, quite short Fleeing for its life from the butcher's knife Screaming “Got wives and kids to support!” Buckingham Palace has over 600 rooms Elizabeth hasn't seen Phillip in years Tried to pick up her up one night last summer Liz promptly kicked him in the rear Some worms will actually eat themselves If they're unsuccessful finding food There might come a time when I'd do that But I'd really have to be in the mood Beetles taste like apples, worms like fried bacon What weirdo discovered this Even if they paid me a gazillion dollars You wouldn't catch me licking the dish! Eeewww!!! © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Evil Demon

There's an evil demon lurking On the edges of my soul I try my best to push him off He's stubborn, very bold He tries to sway my thinking And how I look at things I tell him, “Take a hike! Get lost, you ding-a-ling!” He never seems to listen He insists on causing trouble It's his role he always says I'm about to burst his bubble Demons don't tell me what to do Don't need these guys to coach My standards are extremely high My actions beyond reproach There's an evil demon lurking On the edges of my soul But this here dude's not worried I'm the guy that's in control! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Apricot Tarts

As I lie here on my death bed Feeling the last beats of my heart My only regret is, I didn't close The lid on the apricot tarts Sounds like a kind of trivial thing But to some, it's a big faux pas Little things are very important To me, that's a major flaw In the overall scheme of things in life So they're not as fresh as alleged I'll eat those things any way they come Don't mind if there's fur on the edge I think they call it anal retentive And applies to so many things Like how dishes are placed in the dishwasher And how you must rinse everything I really do feel sorry for these anal people They need to start enjoying their life Stop worrying 'bout all those silly things Now you have it, my sage advice © Jack Ellison 2014

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Knock Knock I'm Not Dead

I was taking a nap And some old chap Closed the coffin as he heard angels sing Knock knock who's there It's me! I'm not dead Now open the damn lid to this thing He fell to his knees Took off his cap And uttered a few words for my soul I was banging and shouting Freaking him out He was fast losing total control I managed somehow To break open the lid And sat up and glared at this chap By now he was babbling In a strange foreign language Running around eating his cap Leaped down to the floor Dusted myself off Got ready to get on with my day Heard him gurgle His face turning purple He keeled over dead and I prayed So I picked up this chap Lifted him into the coffin And closed the lid once again But now it was me Who heard banging inside Must be a serious glitch in my brain Knock knock who's there It's me! I'm not dead Now open the damn lid and you'll see The words that I heard As I got on my horse And galloped away from the scene © Jack Ellison 2014

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It's Not About Sex, Don't Be Silly

It's happened every day all around the world Perhaps even longer than eternity It's taken different forms throughout the years But hasn't really changed with certainty Women love men and men lust for women The same for thousands of years You could say I'm out front at the vanguard Leading the way for my peers Love doesn't hurt, it actually feels good If the two of you are doing it right It's the technique, it should come quite natural But I'm here if you need some advice You could say I'm a real professional at this Been loving nearly eighty years Surely some good stuff's rubbed off by now My techniques are known to my peers My rates are reasonable for obvious reasons Coz I get to pretest young fillies To make sure they understands my instructions It's not about sex, DON'T BE SILLY! © Jack Ellison 2014

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The Ice Cream Lesson

Vigus and I were childhood buddies
who ventured to make some ice cream
It was to be our special creation
that would be a dish most supreme

We got some sand from the sand heap
and sifted it with a fine mesh wire
to give the dish a fine consistency
so its quality would be superior

We crumbled up some dried dirt
and pounded it with a hammer
then sifted it with the wire mesh
and made chocolate talcum powder

We mixed these ingredients in a tin
using a piece of stick as a stirrer
and blended them for quite a while
until there was a uniform texture

Vigus continued the stirring 
while I added the water
until the mix was nice and firm
and chocolate brown in colour

Now who would taste it first
we both said to each other
After thinking for a while I said
I believe I have the answer

I said let's ask Greedy Mackie
who was quite a beggar
always sponging off our snacks
in a  very shameless manner

We asked Mackie to join us 
and I got a piece of candy
Vigus stirred it in the mix
in the full view of Mackie

While Vigus stirred in the candy
We raved how sweet the dish would be
Then we asked who would taste it first
saying that person would be lucky

I suppose Mackie's thoughts 
could only focus on the candy
When we asked the question
he raised his hand and cried "ME"

We gave him a spoonful of the dish
which he put it in his mouth greedily
Vigus and I watched most intensely
to see what his reaction would be

Mackie bolted for the water tap
spitting most profusely
I guess he learned a lesson that day
that he should not be so greedy

Vigus, Mackie and I were about 7 years old


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Hump Day

It's “hump day” as it's often been called The absolute middle of the week Last weekend's gone and all but forgotten Next one will probably repeat The name may have a sexual connotation If your mind is down in the gutter Looking for something of a sexual nature Got some worse words I could utter But this guy's a fine upstanding gentleman Been called squeaky clean at times Usually take a shower three times a day I'm a sweet and fun loving kind I wouldn't say sh*t if I was covered in it Probably call it do-do or poop Could never be a manly construction worker Sure don't belong in that group © Jack Ellison 2013

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Long Live The Sillies Revisited

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Gimme a beer and a mop” Show me where Joseph Stalin is buried And I'll show you a communist plot My masseuse rubbed me the wrong way again Fired her though she had good skills A duck in a bar orders a couple of beers Says, “Just put it on my bill” About seven million people are overweight These, of course, are round figures Where would you find giant snails I ask On the ends of a giant's fingers Studied over four years to become a doctor But I didn't have any patience A Buddhist refused Novocain from his dentist To transcend dental medication Had a job working in an orange juice factory Got canned 'cause I couldn't concentrate Also worked for a pool maintenance company Too draining so getting fired was my fate Thought I'd try working as a tailor a while back But the job wasn't suited for me Can you please tell me the purpose of reindeer It makes the grass grow, my sweetie Enough is enough so until next time we meet Thanks for your indulgence once more I will definitely want your honest critique But please be gentle, I implore © Jack Ellison 2014

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Furniture And Kitchen Utensils

Someone said I could probably write About furniture and kitchen utensils And still put a funny twist on my poem So I'll try to live up to my potential You must possess a strange old noodle To know how my crazy brain works Observing the simplest things everyday And giving them a twist and a jerk Sure ain't no genius but ain't no dummy So here's my attempt at appeasing Cathie and I own this beautiful credenza With imported china quite pleasing Our living room set is a joy to behold So comfy and inviting it beckons I hear it calling for my afternoon naps Most likely I'll give in I reckon Now what about our lovely canister set A charming addition to our counter The colourful pillows on our comfy sofa Can certainly be a heart pounder Bet you think I've gone over the edge But whenever I'm challenged in kind I quickly respond and delve into my brain Where oodles of rhymes I do find! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Let Your Wind Blow Free

Remember that familiar old saying “Let your wind blow free” Well I've thought of a much better idea Beneficial to you and me The methane gas we produce each day Could fuel factories for hours They could install a crepitating room They'll need a bunch of flowers You may think I'm obsessed with farts And other bodily emissions But the huge benefits could even rival The power of nuclear fission No more problem with soiled Jockeys It would stop the stains in your pants And possibly be a way to finally alleviate Those horrible nighttime cramps The future shortage of fossil fuels Would no longer worry mankind All the world's economies would flourish As this product comes on line! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Sex Change

A sex change surely ain't in my future Seems kinda weirdo to me Have admired women all my damn life Would be uncomfortable in a 34B Although I've always had pretty nice legs The hair is a distraction for sure Especially when wearing a skimpy bikini A sight too stunning to endure Not saying I wouldn't appreciate the glances From Fred a friend since grade one Quite awkward though in the ladies room Standing to pee would stun Guess I'd be forced to sit down from then on Maybe a sex change ain't so bad Seeing the ladies in various stages of undress Might change my opinion a wee tad! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Love Love Naughty Love

Love, love, oh naughty love How thrilling naughty love can be Creates excitement like nothing else Like a kiss behind a big tree The feeling you get of naughtiness Adds excitement to the scene Like stealing a cookie or apple pie Or hands full of jelly beans We never lose that wee person's touch Even when we've growed up big Raiding the fridge at one in the morning But maybe we should wear a wig It's human nature to sneak around Like I said it's like stealing a kiss Come to think of it forget the snacks Rather roll in the hay with a miss Love, love, oh naughty love How thrilling naughty love can be The ultimate feeling ever felt by mankind Since us guys came down from the tree © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Mystery Bay Store

A quaint little store on Mystery Bay, its cast iron stove stoked with hard woods, selling fresh oysters and catch of the day— with local ice cream and sundry baked goods. Optional clothing whenever low tide, as the beach sign outside proudly claims, but summer’s a memory, such exhibits denied, so we gather inside and sit by the flames. Tourists stop by, dismissed by old salts, till asked to regale us of days now gone by. Each lifts his mug of cold foaming malts, and each one in turn quickly spins a new lie. The old boards ‘neath our feet creak and complain, as we shuffle our way past good friends to the door— counting the days until we come again, to part with our coins at the Mystery Bay store. Submit a Smile Contest Honorable Mention, Submit a Smile, Poet Destroyer A

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12 O'Clock 12 O'Clock 12 O'Clock

12 o'clock... 12 o'clock... 12 o'clock! How do you set this damn clock Thought of bashing it to bits with a hammer To get the damn flashing to stop Always assumed I was quite intelligent But technology has me bamboozled Tried reading the manual but that didn't work To comprehend, from my brain came refusal My smart ass ten year old nephew happened by "Not a problem dear uncle, I'll fix it" Two minutes later, the damn flashing stopped Felt dorkish and kind of a twit My fervent prayer which I possess without malice Is for technology to bury this young geek In a deluge of bits and bytes and firewalls Till he no longer can get a good night's sleep! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Yo Momma

Yo! Momma! Remember me? I'm your sweet little loving son! I know I'm not cute like the other kids But my heart's as big as the sun Yo! Momma! Remember me? Could it be something I did? Why'd you go and sell me to the zoo? I've tried hard to be a good kid Yo! Momma! Remember me? Heard tell of a real nasty rumour It's because I'm quite a bit different Ever think I'm just a late bloomer? Yo! Momma! Remember me? Maybe one day I'll look like Brad Pitt When I lose all this excess body hair Your feelings of pride won't quit Yo! Momma! Remember me? Though I look a bit like an orangutan Please let your son come back home You'll be proud of your little man Yo! Momma! Remember me? I'm your sweet little loving son! I know I'm not cute like the other kids But my heart's as big as the sun © Jack Ellison 2013

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World Peace

There is this notion—
more impulse than desire—
the topic raised, but then it's said,
I’m preaching to the choir.

And so we crave this thing
and call it world peace.
We fast and pray, both night and day,
hoping war will simply cease.

The odds I think are not that good
we’ll get it in my life—
millions of unworthy minds
Controlling things with strife.

If you had Aladdin’s lamp
the genie might assist.
I’m sure that he could get it done
with simple flick of wrist.

But if he’s asked to take control,
results could be austere;
in order to gain world peace
he’d make us disappear.

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Long long ago in a land far away Was this slave girl named Gedophamee Worked as a prostitute to earn some dough Name was pronounced “Get-offa-me!” At an athletic festival in Roman times Male athletes performed in the buff Preventing arousal while they competed They imbibed and downed other stuff At the opening gala ceremonial parade One lady exclaimed “Oh! Limp Dicks!” Ever since that momentous occasion It has morphed into the “Olympics” © Jack Ellison 2013

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Egads And Little Fishes

“Egads and little fishes” Reminds me of my dear old mum Covering her head uttering this phrase Thunder made her come undone Terrified by each electrical storm Dear mum would nearly passed out With thunder, lightning, and pelting rain She'd cower in a corner throughout Really felt bad, she was truly scared Tried hard not to laugh at the sight Of mum with her apron over her head Praying hard with all of her might Things that happen during childhood days Stay with us as by us life swishes I'll always remember mum's little saying “Egads and little fishes” © Jack Ellison 2013

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Food, Food, Glorious Food

Food, food, glorious food Eating is such a wonderful thing No matter what time of day it is Wolfing down makes my dear heart sing Why I get out of bed each day The smell of bacon frying away Follow my proboscis to the kitchen Where Cathie's prepares brekkie each day It's that oh so heavenly smell Footsies don't even touch the floor Gliding down the stairs like a nymph So enthralled like many mornings before I sit down and dear dear Cathie Serves me brekkie that's fit for a king Burst out with, “What a Beautiful Morning” As we both raise our voices and sing A delightful scene, albeit unusual It's how we Ellisons start off the morn Singing and dancing and kissing and stuff Makes me so overjoyed to be born Food, food, glorious food Eating is such a wonderful thing No matter what time of day it is Wolfing down makes my dear heart sing © Jack Ellison 2014

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My Theme Thong

I'm on my bike every day Trying to lose some pounds I giggle like a little girl when The scale says I'm heading down The lard is just melting away I'm a shadow of my former self Almost lost a whole human being Since deciding to become an elf I hear you chuckling over there Shouldn't you be cheering me on Instead of being so damn jealous That I'm wearing this skimpy thong Feel like running about in the nude But authorities just might object Thought of covering up but decided Gonna flaunt it, what the heck Okay maybe I'm dreaming a tad But I'm really going to see it through Nothing but good can come of it Soon be doing the old boogaloo! © Jack Ellison 2012

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(Quatrains I wrote with Jack Horne. BTW, Zompire is a word invented by Jack and both of us like vampire/zombie stories!) I didn't sleep a wink last night And tossed and turned in bed; As morning came I swear I was Just like the Living Dead. In fact, when I went out the door, Into the morning sun, I cringed! My skin felt like a steak About to be well done. A zompire I'd become, you see, And now when it is day, I'm sleeping (but I never slept At night time anyway!) OUR TANKA Not able to sleep I went to the bathroom and Looked in the mirror. . . I now have no reflection The Dawn of the Living Dead Andrea Dietrich with Jack Horne, written Sept 14, 2013 For Shadow Hamilton's New Contest Team Work Poetry Contest

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The Spanish Inquisition

As most days go, this seems pretty good Doesn't take much to affect my mood Just a simple greeting like “Have a good day” As I show up at the office in the nude The reaction of coworkers sure tickles my fancy With my dangly bits dancing around They try not to stare but it's kind of impossible As my studly maleness astounds When I settle down on my black leather chair I let out a childlike whimper My super warm flesh on the this super cold leather Makes me scream out the name of my vicar The ladies gather round never ever having seen Seventy-eight year old dangly bits I start twisting and turning like a beautiful ballerina Slapping a giddy-up on my hips Well as this day goes it's not necessarily the best Got rid of some of my inhibitions Till the security dudes burst into the office Felt like the Spanish Inquisition © Jack Ellison 2014

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I Would Have Written this Poem

I would have written this poem, but all the words grew feet. 
I opened MS Word, they turned and ran right off the sheet.
I looked for them on Facebook. Not a word in sight.
There wasn’t one on TV. Believe me, I looked all night.

I checked inside the Play Station, I went through every game.
They weren’t inside my iPhone, I texted every name. 
I grew tired, walked to bed. On the sheets I found a note. 
“Vacation in Mexico. We’ll send a postcard from the boat."

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Fast Food Junkie

I know we shouldn't overeat And junk food's a definite no-no But I admit I'm a fast food junkie Who cares if my big belly shows Don't dance for nobody anymore That's silly stuff's gone forever People either like me for who I am Or bite me, I mean... whatever! Happy as hell in my bountiful skin Not trying to impress the ladies Content to just sit and eat myself silly Nothing underhanded or shady “Silly old man” I heard someone say But I'm nearing the end of the road Allow me this pleasure before I depart My cravings are on overload! © Jack Ellison 2013 Wrote this before going my weight loss campaign!

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Red Lights

Look at all those obedient people Stopping at every red light In this day and age of overflow traffic Not stopping could cause quite a fright Unless you'd like some time in prison I suggest you slam on the brakes When you're approaching anything red Especially a redhead on skates The law clearly states maiming's illegal Has been for many long years So try really hard not hitting pedestrians The penalty is usually severe Look at all those obedient people It's not like it once used to be Running red lights was exciting sport Like chasing young girls up a tree © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Original Mr Shy Guy

Used to be a shy and retiring type Back then but this is now Like a Super Hero I burst onto the scene To share my extensive knowhow People have never been able to stump me I'm a master at solving stuff Like Einstein's theory of relativity equation That's easy, that really ain't tough If I seriously decide to turn on the charm Ladies will have a real hard time Trying to resist, they'll be driven to infidelity Not a problem, that's just fine Before becoming this irresistible charmer I was timid, retiring, and shy If you can believe that wee tidbit my friends Got some swampland you'd might like to buy What's that you say, you think I'm joking Can't imagine me retiring and shy Just ask my Mom when you meet her in Heaven I was the original Mr. Shy Guy Used to be a shy and retiring type Back then but this is now Like a Super Hero I burst onto the scene To share my extensive knowhow © Jack Ellison 2014

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Who Murdered the Easter Bunny

Sam, the box turtle, sauntered down deserted gravel road;
when he bumped into Elli, a gorgeous, slender, green toad.
Together they stopped to admire the rustic scenery;
noting, Bunny would like hiding eggs in all that greenery.

Easter will be in a few weeks, kids will have fun hunting eggs;
Bunny would be quite busy hopping on two spindly legs.
Sadie, a monarch butterfly fluttered into their path;
she was perched on a tree branch taking her daily sun bath.

“Hi!” she said to Sam and Sadie. “Have you heard hottest news?
The Easter Bunny was murdered, on the headline reviews.”
Sam and Sadie were speechless, much too shocked to say the least;
who murdered the Easter Bunny, who was the wicked beast?

No one could think of anyone who wanted Bunny killed,
the whole town was suspected, everyone thoroughly grilled.
It couldn’t be Sam or Sadie; they were not at the scene;
whoever it was, they were desperate, extremely mean.

Small town sheriff investigated the deadly crime site;
there lay Bunny sprawled along the roadside, eggs colored bright.
Struck down by angry mother hawk, thought he robbed her love nest;
sheriff pulled out the handcuffs, placed mother under arrest.

Copyright © 2013 By Caryl S. Muzzey

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Where The Sun Shines

It's okay now, for women to go topless
Oh my how the world it has changed
Some boobies are perky others floppy
With the help of gravity some rearranged

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining
The female form is a delightful sight
Yet sometimes I need to shield my eyes
Those white boobies are awfully bright 

Us male drivers, completly distracted
Concerned for safety we have all slowed down
Many come from all over in hopes of a peek
They say kelowna is their kind of town

Please forgive us we don't mean to stare
It's just our way of showing support
When it comes to rights we'll gladly take part
We would have fought to free boobies in court

So ladies I say walk around with pride
You are an inspiration to everyone
Be careful to apply a whole lot of lotion
You don't want them beauties burnt by the sun

In sunny Kelowna it is now legal for a woman to walk
topless down a public street. Sadly no women
have opted to take advantage of this new found freedom.

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New Handcuffs

New Handcuffs
We had taken our boys out to a theme park one day
They could run around wild and burn some energy away
On the return trip from the gift shop they did ask to buy
A plastic sword, a shied and a pair of toy handcuffs, I didn’t ask why.

Two days later they asked if their friend could come to play
“Of course not a problem” is what I did tell them that day.
Within few minute they came to find me, they were crying
Their friend was in the handcuffs, they can’t release him although trying.

Each turn of the key to unlock the offending restraints
Instead of unlocking them it tightened them, to his little complaints
I put all three boys in the car and drove to the local fire station
To find it was a part -time one, it was a deserted location.

A cleaner I spied working hard, so I did ask help from him
"Go to the police station" he said, giving me a wink and a grin.
A bit strange I thought but only for a little while
I had to free this child, so I said “goodbye” with a smile.

This young boy now with tears in his eyes 
Looking so lost and afraid, which is no surprise
Into the Police station I walked feeling really bold
"Can you please free this child? You have cutters I am told."

A big burly officer looked, and then he walked up to me
Took one look at the child and said sarcastically
“We will fetch a female officer to sit with the boys
“While you come with me, and explain a child, in sex toys…”

“What on earth are you babbling about my good man?
Just unlock and free that child as fast as you can”
“I’m sorry madam” said he “but there’s questions to ask”
“Why did you lock a child in handcuffs? What was to be your task?”

“My good man what are you suggesting, that I locked him in?”
“Don’t be absurd are you stupid?” He just gave me a grin
Another officer entered with three pairs of bolt cutters so big
The poor child nearly fainted, he had little arms like a twig.

I asked them not to scare him, he was only a boy
They told me they still needed to know about the sex toy
On freeing the child they took the three boys away 
They asked them who had locked him up, and was it in play.

My then ten year old son admitted he had done the deed
He didn’t think it was wrong, he thought he could be freed.
Finally satisfied enough, they let me leave with the boys
With a tap on the shoulder the policeman urged me to buy
                                                             ‘padded sex toys.’

© ~GG~ 5/12/2012

An oh so true story lol

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My Charm And Humbleness

With my tongue planted firmly in my cheek... We certainly can't all be movie stars Who'd be left to go to the show I don't mind being the one to sacrifice It's not about the big heaps of dough Yes, the sacrifice would be a mighty one But I'm prepared for life as a star Maintaining my charm and humbleness Which will certainly take me far I'd live in a mansion in Beverly Hills But I wouldn't forget my roots You people could visit me any old time It certainly won't cost you much loot Normally I'd charge an arm and a leg But for you folks it'd just be an arm What the hey, you've got more than one No reason to get so alarmed It would go to a very worthy cause To provide me with the life I deserve For entertaining all you very sweet folks You think I'm throwing you a curve? How could you think so badly of me When have I lied to you before? I'm as straight and honest as the day is long You've hurt me to the very core Okay, okay, I must come clean I'm yanking your chain a wee bit The reason I've decided to do this for you So you'll remember when I'm a big hit © Jack Ellison 2013

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Why Grow Up

This question is often asked of me “When are you going to grow up?” My answer to that is “why grow up” “I'd much rather stay a young pup” Growing up sure ain't no damn fun To a world of conflict and strife Prefer to stay young and innocent like While leading a carefree life My single voice is of no consequence In the overall scheme of things Why should I rattle my li'l old brain In my world, it's eternal spring Things will go on long after I'm gone At my age my engine's on cruise One thing I've realized in all my years I've surely got nothing to lose © Jack Ellison 2013

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Coke Zero

Coke Zero is now my soft drink of choice Zero calories is the key to success Some genius on high finally figured it out Coke without calories is the best! The guy that came up with this brilliant stroke Earned a dirty big bunch of Coke shares For blokes like me who are trying to cut down It's the answer to us guy's prayers Now all we're missing is a Caramilk Zero That would surely complete the trend Imagine a chocolate bar that's healthy for you I'd stick to this diet to the end “That's pretty silly!” I heard someone say “A chocolate bar without the bad stuff” Relax my good fellows it's only a dream Convincing us would surely be tough So I really don't think it's such a great idea But I'd give 'em a high five for trying Downside of attempting to lose some weight For all that bad stuff I'd be dying © Jack Ellison 2013

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An Ode To Brussel Sprouts

This is quite a bit overdue my friends It's an ode to Brussel Sprouts Those delicious spherical bundles of joy Not too popular hereabouts Poor wee fellows just want to be loved Along with the other veggies They've long had a real image problem About as popular as a wedgie Thinking of starting a worldwide petition Any Soupers wishing to join Send a hundred dollars to me, Jester Jack You'll receive a commemorate coin Along with the coin you'll receive a bushel Of these oh so luscious little critters As a bonus for ordering before December An autographed picture of John Ritter Hey, it rhymes doesn't it !!! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Very Interesting Facts

Once read that a kangaroo can't jump Unless its tail is touching the ground I've tried it and I couldn't jump either I too, was literally earth bound Heaviest land mammal is the elephant Weighing around 8,000 pounds Me mum-in-law comes in a close second Those booms are her walking around A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge A dime has only 118 grooves Bet you'll be able to sleep well tonight This information tends to soothe A whale's heart beats 9 times a minute Faster when they're having sex Imagine the picture you guys are having Afterwards, smoking a cigarette It's a little known fact that baby robins Eat 14 feet of worms a day Imagine the heartburn these guys have Need lotsa Pepto Bismol I'd say If you ever decide to walk to the sun It would take you about 2000 years If someone started back in 14 A.D. They're just about to burn up, I fear In Turkey, back in the 16th century Drinking coffee could get you hanged Imagine if they killed you for that today Populations would drop with a bang Every 8 seconds, a new baby is born Every 14 seconds there's a death I suggest we all should stop having sex Coz we won't have any space left! © Jack Ellison 2013

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How Do You Spell Sex

How do you spell sex It's spelled H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P The most amazing feeling Far better than a nap Puts gas in your tank You yell out W-O-O H-O-O Your eyeballs get crossed You wind up askew Don't remember my name Think it's B-I-G S-T-U-D Surely would describe me Hit the floor with a thud Rambunctious for sure A S-E-X M-A-S-T-E-R I is Earned it legitimately In tests was a whiz How do you spell sex It's spelled H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P The most amazing feeling You sure can't beat that © Jack Ellison 2013

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Attila The Hun

Attila the Hun was a kindly old soul He raped and plundered the land With the aid of his murderous henchmen all A truly psychotic man The kind of man you'd like as a friend If you love to ransack and pillage Hitler was another of these murderous souls Marauding each town and village Need more of the likes of Benito Mussolini Such honourable leaders all But I harken back to Attila the Hun His exploits leave me enthralled May seem like I've tumbled over the edge But I blame it on dear Eileen Ghali She poked and prodded me into submission Could no longer dilly and dally © Jack Ellison 2013 Dedicated to my dear good friend Eileen Ghali!

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Voices In My Head

Silliness reigns in my heart today Need to share it, that's pretty plain Everything seems to be coming my way Must be in the oncoming lane This one seems quite appropriate today Never die for your beliefs There's a good chance you could be wrong It's over, no chance for reprise They say “he who laughs last laughs best” I say that “he” just didn't get it Constipated people just don't give a crap Pretty uptight you could bet on it The sex we had last night was so good Even the neighbours lit a cigarette Now that's so utterly ridiculous my friends Had their ears against the wall, I bet You're just jealous coz those voices I hear Have chosen to speak only to me Happiness is having a very close-knit family Permanently residing in another city Okay enough, is enough, is enough Well just one more, then promise to end it To tell the truth I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every damn minute of it © Jack Ellison 2013

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Facts, Facts, Facts

Hamilton's face is on the ten dollar bill Vice President Burr killed him in a duel What if they solved things like that today The office would always be for renewal Over 5 billion crayons are made each year Methinks governments buy most of them Peter the Great taxed people who wore a beard Tax doubled if they were other than men Diamonds will break if hit with a hammer Here's a solution if you allow me to add Thrash 'em with wet noodles if you so desire Though their brilliance may diminish a tad Bet you didn't know that Antpitta Ridgleys Are most definitely the strangest of birds They walk around wobbly on stilt like legs And bark like a dog, that's absurd 365 languages are spoken in Indonesia That's one for every day of the year An archipelago that's larger than any other Never lied to you before, have no fear First bomb dropped on Berlin in the war Killed the only elephant in the Berlin zoo Half of the world has seen an 007 movie It's very hard to believe but it's true Fresh eggs sink in water, stale ones won't Try it, you can tell if they're fresh Drop them in cold water and check 'em out Chuck the yucky ones out, I suggest Hey I don't make this stuff up! LOL © Jack Ellison 2013

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Be My Valentine

To call a rose by any other name
Could never do justice to you
To see you name there in the frame
Makes my heart go out to you…

A rose as fair, perfumed to perfection
The palest yellow petals that glow
Make my heart beat as though with infection
My temperature it raises so.

So Mystic lady I ask you this one time
If I were a boy, rich, strong and tall
Would you then be my valentine?
And we can leave now, and sod them all.

©  10/01/2013
 Entry for Mystic Roses' contest: Be my Valentine

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Best They Check You For A Pulse

If a sexy babe don't turn your crank Best they check you for a pulse Really had to look away from the screen Was becoming totally engulfed Tried real hard to shield my eyes She almost popped out of the screen Cathie was sitting there right beside me Had to muffle my tiny screams You must be thinking, “typical male” Only one thing on my mind But I'm looking at her for artistic merit She's sure got a cute behind My pulse is racing a mile a minute Nothing to do with affection It's over the top “desires of the flesh” Bet I have a reddish complexion If a sexy babe don't turn your crank Best they check you for a pulse! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Believe It, It's All True

In France back in the middle ages The courts ordered the execution of a cow How come you're probably asking Sat on a farmer and squished him that's how Larry Lewis ran the 100 yard dash Setting a record at 101 years old A mortician happened to be standing by Carted him off to his funeral parlour I'm told An oak tree emits during one full season 30,000 gallons of moisture Much like this overweight lady I know She perspires much more than that I'm sure “Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?” spelled backwards Is “Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?” Bet you weren't aware of this wee tidbit It leaves most people in awe About 3000 years ago, Egyptians died By the time they were thirty years old Were forced to write their wills at age three Just in case they caught a bad cold Chocolate, sex and laughter are factors That keeping the brain sound and healthy Larceny, deceit, thievery and embezzlement Are excellent ways to keep you wealthy Hedgehog's hearts beat 300 times a minute Like mine when I see a naked woman Now no need to get all prissy and stuff I'm a normal and healthy REAL MAN! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Mysterious Rescuer - Dr Who -

The morning was bright and the air felt right
On that beautiful Christmas day,
But a terrible scare for the people there
Was soon to be on its way.

For up in the skies and hidden from eyes
Was a fleet of alien ships,
That had come from space or some other place
On safari or some sort of trip.

Their vessels came down to land on the ground
And were promptly attacked (but unharmed)
The attack was returned, people got burned,
And the humans were further alarmed.

The aliens invaded and easily evaded
The humans' primitive defenses;
Humans all fought this new war that wrought,
But their new foes were terribly relentless.

People died (most got fried)
And hope was all but lost,
‘Til what should appear out of thin air
But a dark blue Police Box.

A man stepped out, (he was thin, not stout)
He was cocky and cheerful, too;
He had made up a plan to rescue Man
From the mess they had gotten into.

He took his box for a ride (it was bigger inside)
And fooled the aliens with some tricks;
He watched them go, and he put on a show
If only for laughs and kicks.

He landed his craft as the humans laughed;
They asked who he was and what he knew.
He said "Doctor," here, and then disappeared.
The people said, "Doctor Who?"

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Dear wife Cathie is always saying “Ain't no insanity in our family Coz you dear hubby, you have it all” Overflowing with a bunch of sillies “You don't leave any for anyone else” Pretty damn heartless of me Sorry I don't mean to be a great big hog Been loony since the age of three Rating my farts is really important Tells me if my diet's working good Too much fibre, and that obnoxious odour Can foul up the whole neighbourhood Realize this is not a subject for a poem But I had to unload it on someone What are friends for but to help out friends To help in control of one's bum Dear wife Cathie is always saying Ain't no insanity in our family! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Native Culture

“Apple pie without cheese, is like a kiss without the squeeze”
It is of the traditional Wensleydale cheese made with the milk of a Ewe
Franciscan monks used to keep the little cheese making sheep
They used a culture called rennet to make the finest cheese of mouldy blue  

Wensleydale cheese, the palette does please with a taste fresh and light
You’re not likely to find the blue Wensleydale, cos now they only make white
A piece of fruit cake with cheese or an apple, or maybe Christmas cake too
This amazing bacteria culture with milk, what a taste treat is waiting for you. 
© 07/01/2013 ~GG~

Contest Entry
Don't shout at me Debbie just my bit of fun for your contest.

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Amazing Facts

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain Much like some people I know Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating I'm ravenous in an hour or so A pregnant goldfish is known as a twit That's a sight I've never yet seen A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue Wondering what else it can clean The youngest Pope was eleven years old Barely toilet trained they say Most lipstick contains stinky fish scales From kissing I'm staying away Originally Coca Cola was green in colour It surely turned off a lot of folks The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle I'm not kidding, it isn't a joke Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland Coz he didn't wear anything below Mel Blanc who was the voice of Bugs Bunny Was allergic to carrots I'm told “I am” is the shortest sentence in english “I'm not” runs a very close second A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce Without coffee in bed from her husband A “jiffy” is just a hundredth of a second I'll be back in a “jiffy” as they say Sometimes it can stretch to an hour or more So now what would you call it I pray © Jack Ellison 2013 What's 111,111,111 times 111,111,111 Answer 12,345,678,987,654,321 Now that's AMAZING!!!

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What If

If a barber passes a bald guy on the street There's a look of distain on his face Sees him walking totally upright on two feet But clearly not of the human race If a doctor passes an athlete on a track There is instant contempt in his eyes This dude is putting his practice in jeopardy What if we were all as fit as this guy A shoe salesman meets a guy in the park Wearing battered beat up old runners The salesman has instant dislike for this loser This down and out no good bummer If a broker watches a guy blowing his dough On a big pile of electronic stuff Which in six months time will be out of date The money guy cringes and huffs If a starlet is making an extremely big splash Stars who've been around for years Will try to discredit this shining new star Hoping to send her packing in tears © Jack Ellison 2013

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After I'm Dead

Why do I revert to potty humour
Am I obsessed with bodily parts
Actually I AM attracted to female parts
Get that straight right from the start

The female body is a work of art
No sculptor can do it justice
Matching that soft, such delicate texture
Yikes, some parts are getting stiff

Whenever I write about naughty stuff
Changes take place down below
Don't understand this strange behaviour
Maybe it's something I'll outgrow

Told my doctor and he confided in me
Ain't gonna outgrow it he said
It's gonna keep happening and listen to this
Could even happen after I'm dead!

© Jack Ellison 2014

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Yoda Balboa

Yo, strength flows from lethal fists, these
Coz, am I not, the dark-sided Casanova?
Anger, fear, and pain to they
Who respect me not one iota.

Yet for my first fight, see I not,
The force of that USA flagged toga.
He, yes, knocked this goon about
Almost sending me into a coma.

Yo doc, called I, it hurts so bad,
But it not where it’s suppoda.
Yeah, me it is, don’t you know
Doc?  Me, is it not, Yoda Balboa.

Yo Adrienne, doc said me,
To imbibe, yes, a gallon of soda.
And used force, did I on the poor doc,
So as not to pay what I owe’da.

The pain subside, did it, yes
After gulping gallons, three, of cola.
Never again do I ever fight
Until part II, of Yoda Balboa.

For To Yoda, an Ode contest

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Jack The Quack

Timothy Hicks recently suggested I write one called “Jack the Quack” Who better than the quacker himself Who's wheels have left the track I've never professed to be poet In the ilk of Browning and Keats A rebel, a renegade, a enigma of sorts Marching to a different beat A bit of a “quacker” I've always been Take pride in being off beat Don't have a choice, it's who I am Travelling down a different street Always write in the purest of forms Simple quatrains most of the time Since a very young age, always thought Of poetry as a needing to rhyme Forever been one to revel in creativity Searching brand new vistas each day It sure turns my crank and floats my boat Wouldn't be happy any other way Thank you Timothy for the inspiration To express what makes me tick We're all cut from the very same cloth Till we find a pathway that clicks © Jack Ellison 2013 Timothy suggested I write this one appealing to the kiddies along the lines of "Howard The Mallard"... I chose a different route!

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Blankety Blank Blank Blank

BLANKETY BLANK BLANK BLANK Blankety blankety blank blank blank Blankety blank blank blank So how do like my quatrain so far Getting pretty low in the tank To resort to this ridiculous bit of nonsense Pretty damn desperate I'd say You can fool some people some of the time But never P-Souper each day When juices stop flowing Soupers know right away They can spot it right off the bat Obviously when I start that blankety blank stuff Instead of love and all that Maybe I should take some word rhyming pills But they're so damn expensive these days Two thousand dollars for just twenty-five pills Need a job as a gigolo to pay Well I'm gonna end this blankety blank poem Threw in a bit of smut ha ha Got by the censors with that blankety blank stuff They're freaking out, sure good for a laugh © Jack Ellison 2013

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We've Come In Peace

We thought we'd landed on virgin soil When we sailed the ocean so vast And drifted into this secluded cove Thought we'd stumbled upon the past Natives sure looked very much like us But they wore the skimpiest clothes With only one or two piece coverings Not a bad looking group by jove We motioned to them in sign language We're friendly and we've come in peace But much to our utter astonishment They spoke english with total ease Seems we stumbled on a sandy beach On the southwest coast of the state These natives were actually vacationers They thought our sailing ship was great It was really all quite embarrassing We played dumb and pretended we knew It was just our lame attempt at humour As we thanked them and bid them adieu So we all got back in our sailing ship And waved them a fond farewell We'll never forget our trip to the past It's a tale for our grandkids to tell! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Unusual Words

Dictionary describes the word “dactylion” As the tip of your middle finger So if someone gives you the dactylion They're giving you a zinger! Have you ever been subjected to “gargalesis” It's described as heavy tickling Love being gargalesis in certain areas Might even involve some licking Do you know a word that accurately describes Incessant or idiotic laughter The dictionary describes it as “abderian” Shaking the room to the rafters When someone's eyes start to “oculoplania” They're assessing someone's charms I've always called it just plain old ogling Not meant to cause any harm The dictionary describes “slubberdegullion” As a filthy slobbering individual Known a few of these guys in my time They leave a quite nasty residual A person who hates smelling tobacco smoke Is called a “misocapnist” That's me for sure I'm surely a misocapnist Probably number one on the list And now to end with something distasteful It's the word “krukolibidinous” It's the act of staring at someone's crotch What say you, had enough? © Jack Ellison 2013

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Miserable Grumpy And Mean

If I go a whole day without my Wheaties I'm miserable, grumpy and mean My Wheaties are really the only thing Between me and a very bad scene Beat up little kiddies but they must be little Like two or three feet high or less None of those overgrown teenager dudes My face would end up quite a mess Don't think badly of me, it's the Wheaties They provide me with real hutzpah You best hide the kiddies if I run out of 'em Hide the axes, knives and chainsaws I did seek help but the psyche was like me Needed his Wheaties to cope Beat the living daylights out of yours truly Whipped me with his stethoscope Wheaties are required to maintain stability So we don't go off the deep end Had a great big giant bowlful this morning So relax I'm real mellow again © Jack Ellison 2013

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Rah Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah

Rah! Rah! Rah! and a Sis Boom Bah! Everyone stand up and cheer A more upbeat poem you'll never find Pay attention and listen here! Funny how moods go up and down Like a proverbial yo-yo Maintaining a balance is a full time job Life's like a bucking bronco Survival of the fittest is what it's about Rule's been around forever Keep on top, don't let down your guard Be true to every endeavour Eventually you'll accomplish all your goals Maybe sooner or maybe later Depends on so many unknown factors Don't just sit there as a spectator Make it happen keep on top of your game Don't waiver, flinch, or pause Winners always keep their eye on the prize Forever stay true to your cause Rah! Rah! Rah! and a Sis Boom Bah! Stay focused, me buckeroos Happy or crabby, giggly or cantankerous Can't blame nobody else but you! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Pass The Pasta

Love pasta in any way shape or form It's basically all the same stuff Different shapes, sometimes filled Proudly I'm a pasta buff With cheese or meat and tomato sauce Making me drool right now Might not be able to finish my poem Heading for the kitch...... © Jack Ellison 2013

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More More More

In England way back in the 18th century “Pants” was considered a bad word Probably coz it sounds like heavy breathing In bedrooms it could often be heard Ernest Wright once wrote a whole novel Without using the letter “e” Here's a question I'd sure like to ask Which mental institution lives he In Tennessee it's actually against the law To drive your car while sleeping Well how about that my P-Soup friends But you can with one eye peeping Columbus' fee for discovering America Was a paltry three hundred dollar If that was today for crying out loud He'd be living in absolute squalor Hard to believe Baskin Robbins once made Ketchup flavoured ice cream, holy crap Needless to say it wasn't too successful It melted on burgers, imagine that Your thumb is the same length as you nose So nosey people have extra long thumbs That surely explains why you see some people With their thumb stuck up their bum Each year Americans eat 12 billion bananas I eat probably one billion myself Okay that's quite an erroneous statement It's french fries that endanger my health Did you know butterflies taste with their feet Imagine if us humans did that Phew! Stinky poo... I'd swear off eating And be skinny as an underweight gnat Parrots are as intelligent as a five year old child Know friends where that surely applies They have this really overwhelming urge To poop on your head flying by © Jack Ellison 2013

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Watched “Man Of Steel” last night Reminded me of my own Souper powers Don't want to brag or anything like that But this role is not for cowards My mission is, should I choose to accept it To rid this old world of sadness Not an easy task the way things are going But SOUPERMAN can end this madness He does it with love, lightness and laughter Acts silly, plays the part of a clown Always upbeat and ready with the funnies So people can't possibly be down He doesn't expect a reward or great fame Just to know the sadness he defeated Then zoom up high to the heavens above To return whenever he's needed © Jack Ellison 2013

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Magic Beans

The old shop was dilapidated;
The entry sign was faded gray.
"Magic Beans", the old gypsy stated.
I was feeling gullible that day.

"What do these magic beans do?"
No instructions were included.
"They do what you need them to do."
A few dollars less, transaction concluded.

I walked home with my magic beans,
And left them forgotten in a drawer.
Nothing changed, of so it seems.
What ever did I buy them for?

Assuming the magic must be broken,
I soaked my beans, gave them a rinse.
Cooked them, spiced, served with bacon;
And forever after haven't farted since.

Mark Halliday 20150105

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Have You Sniffed A Dollar Bill Lately

It's impossible to hum with your nose plugged Don't try it you'll give yourself a hernia About two hundred babies are born every minute Guess there's not much doing in suburbia Dust under your bed is your own dead skin Unbelievable but that's what they say There are more nerve cells in the human brain Than there's stars in the Milky Way The water you drink has already been drunk By others, what a charming thought Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes That's not something I think of a lot A million dollars in one hundred dollar bills Weighs only about twenty-two pounds A disposable diaper holds seven pounds of pee That's too much information I've found 97% of money contains a trace of cocaine Have you sniffed your dollar bills of late The glue on Israeli stamps is certified kosher This leaves me in an overwrought state 10 million bricks are in the Empire State Building Masons surely had a heavy load That's it for now but there'll be more to come Keep an eye out for them down the road © Jack Ellison 2013

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Steep Little Tea Pot

Steep little tea pot.
Where's your cups?
Mother's in her apron
heavin' hiccups.

Saucers on the table
serving up tea.
Cookies on their plate.
waitin' for me.

Napkins folded over.
Spoons on top.
Adding sugar cubes,
plop, plop, plop.

Time to sip your tea.
Lips to cup.
Come and grab the handle.
Up!, Up!, Up!

Thank you for the tea.
I'm quite full.
Now come and grab my finger
and... pull, pull, pull.

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Cream Corn

One of life's true pleasures Is cream corn from a can Hot or cold it matters not I'm just a great big fan I have it with potatoes Or I spread it on my toast As topping for my sundae I love this way the most People stare and say aloud “That seems a little weird” If you've never ever tried it It's tastier than it appears I'm really quite a simple dude Don't need expensive stuff A dozens cans of yellow gold That might be just enough! To satisfy this hungry dude For a day or two or five Can't stop this lustful craving Think I'll try it on apple pie! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Tightie Whities

What should I write, what do you think How's about tightie whities The kind that get most women all worked up Divesting themselves of their nighties Even if you plead you have a headache She's in no condition to listen Those tightie whities are driving her crazy Down below she starts to go fishin' All of a sudden your headache disappears Now it's you who's all gung ho You yell out “tally ho, ride 'em cowboy” She screams bloody murder “woo ho” That continues for thirty-eight seconds Then collapsing exhausted on the floor You scream out “got a cramp in my leg” She yells, “I want more, I want more, I want more!” Think to myself that's the very last time It's polka dot boxers from now on Tightie whities will be the death of me At my age, ain't got that long Ha... a fairy tale!!! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Run You Turkeys, Run

Turkeys have all been running like hell Afraid for their very lives A dangerous time of the year for them Sure not very nice of us guys They've all got wives and kiddies at home With a loaded to the top Visa card Soon gonna get their head above water Now this, life is so hard I'm cheering for the turkeys, I am, I am Deserve a much better fate Like you and me, just trying to get along Run, run for the farmer's gate For those that make it, Christmas is next Maybe travel to another country Where chickens and cows and fish are eaten They'd be then able to roam free Run you turkeys, run! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Kiss Under the Mistletoe

The boss had too much egg nog
at the office party. Oh,
She set her goal to snog
me beneath the mistletoe!

With lecherous intentions
she stalks me ‘cross the floor
until she finally pins me
against the bathroom door!

Her boozy breath assails me.
I very nearly swoon!
Her scarlet nails impale me.
I realize I’m doomed!

The darting of her tongue
leaves me in a daze.
Her kiss, so thick with rum,
I better get a raise!


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What Should I Write

WHAT SHOULD I WRITE! Oops, sorry to shout It's been happening lately I'm losing my clout It once was a breeze Writing one after t'other Out they'd all pour In rhymes I did smother Then hit a brick wall Broke my head bone for sure My mind got all fuzzy Felt quite insecure Babbling in gibberish Bout the craziest of things Of goulies and stuff My mind's in a sling If you have some ideas Please pass them along I'll pay you big dollars Might sing you a song Cathie says folks Better turn down your tuner He's a lovable guy But he sure ain't no crooner WHAT SHOULD I WRITE! © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Icky Gooey Soft Side

This jester has been un-jester-like lately Gushing with loving thoughts What has happened to this happy old jester Acting like a teenager with the hots! My icky gooey soft side is showing Try to keep it hidden from view But it overtakes me once in a while Not to blame, plead innocent, I do I'm feeling a bit icky gooey right now Trying hard to resist, it's true But don't blame me if it pops up again Trying hard, that's all I can do Guess I'll just let the sweet love flow Funnies will be left to brood Just for while till it's out of my system And I'm rid of this loving mood Perhaps NEVER!!! © Jack Ellison 2013

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He's So Handsome, I Can't Believe My Ears

When I say things like my momma did When she was eighty years old “He's so handsome, I can't believe my ears” It's time for a home I'm told! The train's already left the station, no doubt You're left standing on the platform Before you cash in your chips as they say Someone feeding you will be the norm Such little things like forgetting your choppers Or getting on the bus without pants Hearing people snickering behind your back As down the crowded aisle you prance Some things are a little unusual they say Like communicating with the birdies In a language only you and they understand Or when with a mannequin you get flirty Wish me luck on the last leg of my journey Had a blast without any regrets Sure couldn't have asked for anything better My life was as good as it gets! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Dickie Duncan

A bloke by the name of Dickie Duncan Was the butt of many jokes His name conjured up that age old saying You know what I'm talking 'bout, folks! “When the frost is on the pumpkin” I'm sure you remember it well They say it's the time for “dickie dunkin” To get down and ring your bell Feel so sad for old Dickie Duncan To be blessed with this unfortunate name They could have called him Peter Oops! The results would've been the same How's about a name like Percival Or Harold or good old Gus His parents surely weren't thinking ahead Hence, the reason for all this fuss Well old Dickie can surely take some solace It's afforded him great fortune and fame He could have been just a nobody But now everybody knows his name © Jack Ellison 2013

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Bald Is Beautiful

It used to be a true sign of virility To possess a thick head of hair Today men walk around proudly Quite bald with a confident air I've seen more hair on a billiard ball Than on some macho men of today What do the ladies think of all this? Do they think it's sexy that way? Remember the afros back in the 60s? Such a laughable sign of the times Sure glad we got over that silly craze And all those ban-the-bomb signs Maybe we'll come back to our senses Perhaps compromise just a little The ladies will shave off all their hair That'll give us men a big giggle What about preservation of the species Maybe it'll slow us macho men down Before the world's overrun with people In a sea of humanity we'll drown! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Greek Adonis

Okay my friends now let's just see Do I have any weaknesses of my own? Nope, after careful investigation I find I'm just perfect to the bone I'm a doggone stunning specimen Of a homo sapien supreme With bulging muscles everywhere My tummy is tight and lean So muscle bound, can't even bend To tie my oversized shoes Haven't seen some body parts Since nineteen sixty-two What's my secret you may ask To my Greek Adonis form? I chew on nuts and alfalfa grass Celery and cobs of corn Not your cup of tea you say? So keep up your over stuffed ways Like the very famous Goodyear Blimp You'll be drifting away in the haze! All in jest! © Jack Ellison 2012

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A Ten Spot

A funny thing happened on my way to work Was stopped by a down and out man Asked if I could spare a ten spot for a coffee Ten bucks could buy a whole damn can! Said he didn't want to keep on bugging me Every day when we met on the street Thought a ten spot would keep him in coffee For two or possibly three weeks! I suspected this coffee he was talking about Wasn't your Colombian brew His breath was enough to knock down a rhino It was extraordinarily potent, p-eew! Well lo and behold saw a dude with a camera Filming the whole damn scene Turned out this down and out beggar guy Was a plant from Candid Camera it seems! Was just about to give him the middle finger Good thing they told me in time Could have seen my mug on national TV Giving him that very rude sign! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Mister Fancy Pants Poet

Well here I am in front of my Mac And it seems to be taunting me “C'mon big boy, show me your stuff! Mr. Fancy Pants Poet, let's see!” “What great stuff have you come up with now To set the literary world abuzz Mr. Fancy Pants Poet between you and me The world's not ready because” “Your poetic prowess is beyond the norm Your talents won't be surpassed Where did your poetic skills emanate from Were there poets in your family's past” “C'mon big boy, I'm sitting here waiting Got much better things to do Like figuring out the true meaning of life Or the sum of “two plus two!” Well here's what I say to you Mr. Mac Go byte yourself and leave me alone Creative minds don't have an on/off switch When I'm ready I'll send you a poem © Jack Ellison 2013

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It's Only A Word

Shitty is such a cute little word I chuckle each time I hear it Even words like crappy or poopy Really don't even come near it Shitty is such a silly expression Who was first to utter this phrase Some poor soul who ws really ticked Or a dude describing his malaise Shitty can turn conversations to fun Serious things take on a new light When someone utters "that was shitty" To describe an unpleasant night Shitty's not used by sophisticated folks They find it vulgar and naughty If one of their kids utters that word They're punished and end up all snotty Shitty is such a humorous word Can't help chuckling when I peruse it But after giving it much consideration This ain't the best place to use it! © Jack Ellison 2013 No hate mail please! LOL

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You've heard the word “delicious” before But until I met you, my love It didn't exist till I shouted it out loud When you gave my heart a big shove There are other new words that I've created Like “yummy” or even “sweetie” All these words are now used extensively By lovers scrawling graffiti There's some though I can't mention here They're monitoring what we write No naughtiness, my wrists'll surely get slapped But I sometimes slip 'em in, in spite A word that's on the borderline is “bum' It's sometimes acceptable how it's used Like using it to describe a “bum” on the street Not your ass, don't get confused Oops! I believe I might've messed up Maybe they weren't paying attention They were too busy checking everybody else And I won't receive a detention You've heard the word “delicious” before © Jack Ellison 2013

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Embarrassing Moments

Think I'm starting to lose my grip Forgetting the simplest details Things that used to be second nature My mind is now easily derailed No longer able to draw on the past Embarrassing moments occur Vainly searching my once active mind My memory is starting to blur Going to work in my Jockey shorts Can cause quite a stir on the bus Most passengers pretend not to notice Nobody wants to make a fuss Slurping my soup in the local diner Where everyone knows who I am Wearing my best goin'-to-church finery My tie all covered with jam Life's little embarrassing moments Happen at a much faster clip Hopefully it's just a sign of my age Not a sign I'm losing my grip © Jack Ellison 2013

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More Pet Peeves

How about when stores jack up their prices Then reduce them and call it a sale I've been on to these devious practices for years Their attempt to bamboozle us has failed Annoying commercials that treat us like morons As if we're gonna fall for that stuff Like if you brush with mint flavoured toothpaste Your sweetie will greet you in the buff How about optometrists with really bad breath As they lean over to adjust that eye thing More than once I nearly passed out in the chair Need a sign on the door with a warning Or when you're at a game with the whole family And a guy gets drunk and obnoxious Using every cuss word ever known to mankind You wish you could muzzle this ignoramus You pay scads of dough for a vacation down south And it rains every day of your stay Your condo smells like the back end of a donkey A most forgettable vacation I'd say Well I'm sure most people can relate to these You probably have a bunch of your own Should be a service called Pet Peeves Anonymous Or a help line you could contact by phone © Jack Ellison 2013

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Different Weird Or Cracked

There's usually a balance tween sad and happy Somehow my brain's out of whack Certainly not saying I'm complaining or such Am I different or weird or cracked? Cracked or broken, ah maybe that's it Can only go by what I have learned Ya gotta be careful, must proceed with caution If not, you'll surely get burned The best thing to do is just take it slow Emotions can cloud your thinking Tread ever so lightly till you're sure it's right Then full steam ahead without blinking Someone out there is just waiting for you When you find them you'll know right away The trumpets will blow, the bells will ring Every day will be a red letter day I'm no expert but after seventy-eight years I've come to an astounding revelation From the moment we're born till the day we die Every day's an exciting celebration! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Amazing Stuff

“Bookkeeper” is the only word in the english language That has three consecutive double letters So the next time you're at a party and ask this question You'll be crowned “Best Trivia Player” ever! Did you know there are as many chickens on earth As the number of human beings This one blew my mind and will surely blow yours Each day, 75 acres of pizza are eaten Our eyes are the same size as the day we are born But our nose and ears don't stop growing Bet you've never heard about this amazing fact Under black light, a cat's urine is glowing A healthy, individual laughs about five times a day Did you know, “bananas grow pointing up!” I've heard that bamboo can grows three feet a day Never stick bamboo up your nose or your butt The Statue of Liberty's fingers are eight feet long That's quite amazing for picking her nose Imagine the size of her ginormous large nostrils Could probably drive a truck in there if you chose Did you know that humans average 4,800 words a day My mother-in-law can beat that no problem During a full moon, she can speak two words at a time Some days three but that's not quite as common Amazing stuff!!! © Jack Ellison 2014

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At The Crack Of Dawn

Up bright and early at the crack of dawn Seems that's been my routine forever Don't wanna waste a single damn moment Don't wanna miss a single thing ever Time seems forever when we're youngun's Old age is a bunch of decades away Then all of a sudden it jumps up and bites us Celebrated your 60th birthday today Talk about the years literally flying by Seems like they're in overdrive they do Here's some news you young whipper snappers Soon be waving your young life, adieu Sure didn't start out to write a downer Guess my age is starting to catch up Usually I'm over the top with the happy stuff So back to wagging my tail like a pup! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Quite A Stud

Don't like to brag but I'm quite a stud After 78 years of practice Well actually didn't start till I was six Late but found the girlies so attractive Actually I think I was ahead of my time Judging by all the little girlies Wrestling wasn't what they wanted to do Wanted to play with paper dollies But my dollies weren't made out paper They had cute little bums and stuff Smelled a whole lot better than a football I actually couldn't get enough Eventually I was known as the local stud Was written up in all the papers A freak of nature but I was having a ball Renowned for my naughty capers © Jack Ellison 2013

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Freaking Cool

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess “Will you marry me?”, the Princess said, “No!” But the Prince lived happily ever after As away on his Harley-Davidson he rode He started dating lotsa full-breasted women Hunted and fished and raced cars Was seen courting ladies less than half his age Drank Guinness and frequented bars Been quite a while since he's heard any nagging And he never paid child support Romanced gorgeous cheerleaders regularly Mud wrestling was his favourite sport Ate Spam, french fries and Boston baked beans Blew enormous earth shattering farts A rebellious soul who left toilet seats up Freaking cool and happy as a lark! © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Fuller Woman

Haven’t been with a fuller woman?
Don’t know what you’ve been missin’!
Pillowy softness all around
Will make your pleasure just abound

Tell me, you love to eat jelly?
Well think of that as her belly!
Cotton candy is puffy and sweet?
Well, this woman is a tasty treat!

You won’t get poked here or there
By her bones like a prickly pear
Be cushioned by marshmallow light
Rest on her comfort through the night

Your hands have more place to roam
At this sight your mouth will foam!
If she has a naughty mind
No greater pleasure can you find

So just remember Marilyn Monroe
Not that anyone can have her glow
But she was a good size 14
That siren of the silver screen

If 14 turns men to putty…
A little more ’ll  make they nutty
They will drool and they will pant
“Give me more” will be their chant

Oh, well… tubby ladies out there
Who are shy their bodies to bare
Honey, if he wants you to lose
You’ve got others from whom to choose

Sexy’s defined by inside
So don’t go and try to hide
Be proud of who you are
Honey, you’re a shining star

And if he goes for anorexic fare
Let him leave, just let him dare!
You’ll have another in a flash
Let him jump in, make a splash!

Life is too short to wish for thin
So shake your booty, flash a grin
Full and pretty and oh so wild
Make others look plain and mild! 

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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The Aborigine Boy

The aborigine boy, his poor young heart was yearning
For the young raven haired girl, a passion was quickly burning
He was to carve his first boomerang to prove he was a man
If it returned back to him, he would carry out his plan.

He took the mulga branch and checked it was just so
The angle was correct, he couldn’t wait for his first throw
He split the branch and picked the piece that he knew would work
He had learnt from his ancestors, his walkabouts he never did shirk.

The branch he split, he took a stone and carved his mulga with care
He wanted it to fly and return, then win his maiden with raven hair
He inscribed it with his love and painted it with ochre of red
He took it to the outback and threw his first throw with a dread.

The boomerang did spin, it twisted and then dropped
The young aborigine felt his love and life, had suddenly stopped
He tried again he flicked his wrist it spun up heavenward
It spun it’s last spin and once again it was then floored.

His love was slipping away, a man he was not to be
His raven haired love, his bursting heart would never see
He tried and tried and then with a long last flick of his wrist
He had learnt the way he saw; he pounded the air with his fist.

His boomerang started to turn; it started on its first return
He danced as he watched it, and he felt his loins begin to burn
He jumped up and down waiting; he saw a glint of red
He knew he had done it, when it smacked him in the head

He had learnt to make his weapon 
But his plan did not quite hatch
In learning to make the boomerang,
He forgot to learn how it to catch…

© 21/01/2013~GG~
Contest entry:
Inspiration came from Seren Roberts Poem 'Always To Return'

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A Horsey Type Grin

Have you ever seen a horsey grin They've got humongous amounts of teeth Their dentist bill must be atrocious It's almost beyond belief Whenever they get a toothache They feel it right down to their hoofs You can hear their screams over in China They just about hit the roof Really feel sorry for these equine types They're usually such amiable sorts They never complain if you're 300 pounds They're such amazing good sports Named him “Toothy”, this friend of mine Tell him, “Brush those dentures real good!” The cost of a plate of false teeth for horsies Is astronomical in all likelihood © Jack Ellison 2013

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Check My Pulse

If the image on TV didn't turn my crank Someone should check my pulse Had to quickly look away from the screen Became agitated and totally engulfed Tried really hard to shield my eyes She almost popped out of the screen Cathie was sitting right beside me Had to muffle my tiny screams I know what you guys must be thinking Only one thing on my naughty old mind But for artistic merit I was overwhelmed She's had the cutest li'l behind My pulse was racing a mile a minute It's got nothing to do with affection Guess you could call it a carnal attraction The reason for my reddish complexion © Jack Ellison 2013

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Being Canadian

Chilled to the bone, this winter sucked More than this guy could bear Canadian eh! Should be used to this stuff Patience? Got none left to spare Never, if I live to be a hundred and ten Do I want to experience that again A winter not meant for human endurance Been tortured for months on end Maybe there's a silver lining up ahead And we're all headed for Utopia Where it's never gets below 60 each day And never suffer from agoraphobia Chilled to the bone, can't handle anymore Up to my eyeballs in snow They say being Canadian has it's advantages What they are, I'd sure like to know © Jack Ellison 2013

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Goofy Stuff

In her lifetime, a cow produces Two hundred thousand glasses of milk Wow, they must be total wrecks After a hundred they must start to wilt Your average domestic cat bombs along At about thirty-one miles an hour Especially if old family dog, Rover Is attempting her hide to devour Did you know that old George W. Bush Was once a cheerleader in college I'll bet your life is finally complete Since I passed on that bit of knowledge People spend over three and a half years Whiling away life on the can Headstones should be shaped like toilets And also be equipped with a fan There's a town in PA called Intercourse I wonder what prompted the townsfolk To call their town such a provocative name Guess it was their idea of a joke Studies show most Australian women Will have sex on the very first date Booking my ticket tomorrow morning Heard their climate there is great Seems the next place after the bedroom Most people have sex in the car I'm writing this poem from the back seat Of my gorgeous Nissan GT-R A thousand birdies die each year From smashing headlong into windows Sure not the smartest of God's little creatures Just one step up from the minnow Okay, just a bit more of this crazy talk Then I really must take my leave You lose weight by just smelling bananas I find that quite hard to believe! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Can't Handle This Blip

They shut off our power for about 3 hours To make needed repairs they say D'ya know how that affects our daily routine Like our arm's been cut off half way No heat, no lights, no computers, no telly We might as well cash in our chips Aware it was only from nine until noon But my mind can't handle this blip Anything different from my normal routine Throws me in a kind of a dither I get all sweaty and my eyes bulge out My speech starts to slip and slither I once was able to handle these disruptions When I was young, handsome and virile Now that I'm a slobbering vile old man My mental capacity has fizzled Some people suffer from a power shortage Every single day of their lives Got nothing to do with a disruption in hydro Their ageing is in overdrive © Jack Ellison 2013

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Ralphie Boy

“You lose sixty seconds of happiness For every minute you're mad” So damn well cheer up everybody Things aren't really that bad Ralph Waldo Emerson said that While not exactly that way Ralphie was a pretty smart cookie So listen to what he had to say “If you build a better mousetrap The world will beat a path to your door” No truer words have ever been uttered An old smarty pants, that's for sure “Don't be squeamish about your actions Life is just one big experiment” Be not afraid to step out of the box You could be the next company president “You lose sixty seconds of happiness For every minute you're mad” So buck up my laddies and lassies It's the best life you'll ever have! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Reading Between The Lines

Do we always know what someone means Is it obvious or do we wonder Are we sometimes left just a little puzzled Or does it finally strike like thunder Evasive tactics can be quite intentional Not wanting to divulge private info Like telling someone of a sticky situation So we resort to mumbo jumbo Eventually when we can no longer stall We finally blurt out what we mean “Your dress is tucked up in your undies in back Showing the nicest assets I've seen” Should always try to read between the lines So we never get put on the spot Best is to just walk up to her, simply whisper Don't mind but we see what you've got! Dedicated to Miss Wattle © Jack Ellison 2013

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Acronym Soup

Now here's a definition of MACHO I've never ever heard before “Male Acting Childish, Hormonal, and Obnoxious” When I read it, I started thinking of more There's the ever popular ROTFLMAO Everybody certainly knows this one “Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off” Used in emails to express some fun ANFSCD is really a new one on me “And Now For Something Completely Different” Originally from a Monte Python skit At times they were a wee bit irreverent WYSIWYG is an acronym for “What You See Is What You Get” Makes a lot of sense, should be no confusion But it can still make some people fret Here's a good one, TNSTAAFL “There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch” Once you realize that, you'll be better prepared It'll help you a whole great big bunch This here's a real cute one, SHIAPMP “So Happy I Almost Peed My Pants” Was thinking because I used the word 'pee' Should have warned you guys in advance! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Laugh With Jack Number 4

You can't commit suicide by holding your breath Going to try it now my good friends If it works it's been great knowing you guys If my poe-m e-n-d-s h-e-r-e t-h-e-n-n-n-n-n . . . Don't panic people, still alive and kicking Just joshing and having some fun Macy's founders were passengers on the Titanic They weren't among the lucky ones There are 40,000 different species of spiders Stomp on as many as you can They're really good-for-nothing no-good-varmints They deserve to be squished out of hand Jellybeans contain crushed insect cocoons That gives them their special shine I'm never gonna eat another Jellybean again Don't have a problem with that, I'm fine Dairy cows apparently produce more milk When listening to Der Bingle It also encourages them dance a lot more With the farm hands, the ones that are single The insulting slang phrase “kiss my ass” Dates way back to 1705 Street talk was popular even way back then It's our duty to keep it alive © Jack Ellison 2013

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Totally Absurd

Time for some more sillies “D'ya know what burns my ass? A flame about THIS high!” Heard it before?, I ask Got about a million of 'em Stay tuned, here's some I chose “If a cow laughs really hard Does milk come out it's nose”? “Do vegetarians eat animal crackers”? “Is it good if a vacuum sucks”? Did I just hear you say groaners That's why I'm paid the big bucks! “Do bald men wash their heads With bar soap or shampoo”? Good question, never thought about it Shinola is what they should use! “Does a mailman deliver his own mail”? Do we actually still have mailmen? “Why say 'bye bye' but not 'hi hi”? Never thought of it, dear friends “If feathers tickle us human beans Do feathers tickle birds”? “Do deer only cross at those yellow signs”? Now that is totally absurd! © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Mind Is Twisted

My mind is twisted, not your average mind Off centre is a good way to describe it Not saying it's a bad thing or totally unwelcome Kinda like this weird kinda twist Normal and mundane just has never appealed Always had a strange outlook for sure Look at things from a different perspective A little weird but sure not a bore Everyone should try it, just give it a whirl Why am I promoting this thing Until you experience it you'll never know joy It will cause your dear heart to sing I'm really not special, just discovered a truth To feel happiness all else above Since grade school, teen years, now old and grey The secret's no secret, it's love My mind is twisted, not your average mind Off centre is a good way to describe it Not saying it's a bad thing or totally unwelcome Kinda like this weird kinda twist © Jack Ellison 2013

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Tis To Laugh

Tis to laugh I heard someone say Methinks they were referring to me Started out laughing many years ago And I'm still overcome with glee! It all began when I was six Watching Bugs and Elmer Fudd The Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote The adventures of Maggie Muggs! I still watch Saturday morning cartoons But now I must stay in my room For some silly reason unknown to me The docs think I'm looney-toons! They've got me strapped in a jacket It's restrictive and overly tight What's more, I prefer one with some colour This one's just plain old white! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Cuckoo Kangaroo

Have you ever seen a kangaroo Who's a little bit off his noodle He hops around like a crazy galoot Who's lost his kit and caboodle Sometimes barks like a little doggy And chases cars and trucks At times he meows like a *****cat Or sometimes quacks like a duck Once got amorous with a moo cow Outcome could've been disastrous Luckily came to his senses in time Almost had our first kangcowrous They're treating him for psychosis It's costing him a bunch of dough Maybe he'll act like a kangaroo again For his sake, we sure hope it's so There's a moral here, it's very simple It's about knowing who you are Being happy within the skin you're in And not coveting another star! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Bubble 'n Squeak

Is there anything finer than mashed potatoes Mixed with cabbage, a mountain of joy Scrumptious with globs of bad-for-you butter And sprinkled with parsley, oh boy! Constantly dream bout this scrumptious delight Sure sends me to the moon with glee Don't need no ham or carrot and pea medley Just blobs of butter if you please Don't want none of that Beef Wellington stuff That fine old English tradition With boiled potatoes oh how uninspiring Gonna pass it with your permission Good old “bubble 'n squeak” is what they call it Can't think of another dish finer Just a simple old guy with a simple old taste A down to earth kind of a diner So serving me that stuff for brekkie, or din-din Guaranties my friendship for life With enormous globs of bad-for-you butter Just a fork, no need for a knife! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Yawning Is Contagious

Yawning is certainly contagious Others can't help yawning too It even happens with chimpanzees Try it next time you're at the zoo Yawn while attending a party Many will follow your lead The host can signal the party's over By yawning, it's time to leave Yawning can also be useful Groom signals the sleep he lacks He's saying the wedding's over To get his new bride in the sack They happen when you're nervous You need to let go a big fart At a very important office meeting One that soars right off the chart Ever notice how silly we look Our faces get all screwed up We look like we're giving birth to a baby Or picking up poop from a pup So every time you yawn now Remember these images I've sent you You surely will to try to stifle it Remembering the chimps in the zoo! © Jack Ellison

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Rolling In Clover

You take the high road, I'll take the high road You ain't gettin' away that easy I'm on to your tricks, I'm a pretty smart cookie But some things make me queazy Like a beautiful woman dressed like a man On second thought that's kinda kinky A well tailored suit can look oh so good If the lady is sexy and slinky Another strange sight is a man in high heels Unless his legs are real shapely But this is certainly quite out of the norm So you must do it very discretely Okay I've decided gonna climb outta the box And live like the world's almost over When the bomb goes off, last sight you'll see Me in high heels in the clover <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2013

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Real Cold Coffee

Heard that love makes the world go round With the ladies that may be true But us macho dudes play a different tune The wee guy downstairs is our cue To beg and plead for a romp in the hay We act kinda silly and mushy Pretending a love song is in our hearts But our tail light is making us gushy Let's call the proverbial spade a spade That wee guy controls us each day So perky each morning and raring to go Can't promise a lot of foreplay We beg and plead, promise the moon Diamonds and treasures untold For just a few moments of heavenly bliss Must hurry the coffee's gettin' cold She's heard this ploy for many long years Take it slow she tells me each time Have developed a liking for real cold coffee Guess I really can't say that I mind! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Older Than Dirt

When I was a young lad in the prime of life Never thought I'd still be around When my driver's license said, “older than dirt!” And my mind was no longer sound But I can get away with a bunch of neat stuff Rack it up to “he's left the planet!” “His mental capacity equals that of a wee kid” Gonna take full advantage, run the gamut Just need to pee myself and dribble now and then Talk in riddles and scratch my bum Wipe my boogies on my Sunday best clothes And belch when company comes Know all the neat tricks as I giggle to myself It's a downright lead pipe cinch Con them till they put me in a old pine box Mumbling about my belly button lint <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2014

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Campbell's Veggie Soup

Is there anything more satisfying Than a bowl of veggie soup From the famous Campbell's kitchens That nobody else can dupe! It's probably not smart to have some Two or three times a day But I surely would if I had the chance I'm eating one now by the way! Yummy yum-yum, I must have died Travelled straight up to heaven I'm hearing a band of angels right now Or is it Celine on Channel Seven! Imagine writing a poem about soup There's nothing this guy won't stop at Next thing he'll write about geckos Or interesting chimney stacks! Till then, I sit here downing my soup My mind's a mess of thoughts Mostly ideas that are too off the wall See what creativity has wrought! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Grumble Tummy

Don't know if you've ever had this affliction This affliction called Grumble Tummy Sometimes quite humorous how it vocalizes With some very strange sounds quite funny Haven't got a clue what's going on down there Thought it might be constructing a dam In an attempt to divert some stuff it's not fond of Like beets and brussels sprouts from a can Don't think it appreciates processing that stuff Would rather have ice cream and pop Guess it's not wild bout my changing lifestyle It moans and grumbles nonstop Told my tummy you better get used to it It's what you can expect from now on Asked to keep the grumbling down to a roar But it's allowed from bedtime till dawn © Jack Ellison 2013

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Miss Wattle

Hope you know what a wattle is Miss Wattle It's a fleshy, wrinkled, fold of skin Hanging from the throats of chickens and turkeys You're much prettier and much more trim I don't see a wattle hanging down from your neck If fact you have very gorgeous neck Probably getting myself into a bit of hot water Oh well, too late now, what the heck I'm sure you know it's also an Australian shrub From the genus Acacia family Now aren't you glad you tuned in, my sweetie See I know stuff, I'm not just silly If there's anything else I can help you with my dear Like Einstein's Theory of Relativity Be sure to ask, I've got nothing but time I'll try not to revert to Sillytivity So you may want to reconsider your screen name To something a little more charming Like Sweet Cheeks or Great Bod or Honey Lips Miss Wattle can be a little disarming © Jack Ellison 2013
All in fun...

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Barking Dogs And Screaming Kids

Barking dogs and screaming kids Can drive a person to drink There's nothing quite so disconcerting Worse than loud music methinks Hard to control a barking dog They'll bite you and rip off your leg Beating kiddies is wee bit extreme But it's fun watching them beg Go ahead whomp your child As long as you don't leave marks Strangling is definitely illegal though Welts are sometimes quite dark Betcha I'm gonna hear 'bout this 'Bout abusing li'l kids and all Really they're only minor injuries It's a blast to hear 'em bawl! Just kidding!!! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Mister Goofus

There once was a song called “Goofus” I think this describes me all right Sounds about right for this mood I'm in Been in it forty days, forty nights! I highly recommend this euphoric state Ain't too many things will upset you Probably when somebody refuses to smile Is about the only time it will get you! Pay no heed though, I'm sure it will pass You'll be sad and grumpy once more It's the way of the world, it can get to you Once again you'll end up on the floor! But have no fear, Mister Goofus is here To get you back up on your horse Usually employ some tried and true tactics To help you get back on course! Whatever you may think bout this or that Makes no difference as far as I see It'll surely go on very much like before Sounds like a little goofus to me! © Jack Ellison 2013

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What Ya Don't Know Won't Hurt Ya

Dearest soul, I haven't the love words They all seem so common and trite But other words flow a lot more easily Since I fell on my head from my bike Started out to be a poem about love But a friend said he'd sure beg to differ Pinched myself to make sure this was real A little too hard causing blisters My friend laughed and said “serves you right” “You silly old duffer!” he uttered Looked and thought, “he's really quite ugly!” He said “What?” didn't repeat what I'd muttered He's been a good friend for many long years But a few careless words can hurt 'em So sometimes it's best to hold back just a bit What people don't know won't hurt 'em! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Brown Shoes

Do you ever feel like the world's a tuxedo And you're a pair of brown shoes? Have you ever felt you had two left feet? Or the ship's already left for the cruise? Please take heart, we've all been afflicted At one time or another in our lives There are those who appear a lot worse off They forget to wear pants when they drive There ain't no cure for this strange affliction Embarrassing as hell, heaven knows Walking across the floor at the prom With your dress tucked up in your hose Out for a walk, met my cranky old boss He was taking his dog for a stroll Chatted and then after saying good luck Turned and smacked into a pole Or when you attend a Halloween party You're the only one dressed up in the room Then you realize it was a black tie affair But you're dressed like a pregnant baboon Just dig a deep hole and climb down inside Hope nobody notices you're gone Don't come out until four in the morning Slink home by the first light of dawn © Jack Ellison 2012

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Oh The Female Form

Is it just me or do all old guys drool At the sight of every young chickie Could it be I'm a perverted old geezer Or normal but no longer picky Once thought I was quite sophisticated With very discerning tastes and all But the older I get, the less picky I am Probably need a complete overhaul Don't go calling me a nasty old pervert Females were meant to be admired I'm sure they're totally aware of this fact By some of their provocative attire Sure not complaining, trust me on this Wouldn't have it any other way Just to ogle these beauties walking by Brightens up the dullest of days Not a pervert, just a healthy old male Enjoying the finer things in life The female form in all it's perfection Counteracts all of life's strife © Jack Ellison 2014

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A Down To Earth Type Elf

When you get right down to it That's exactly where I'll be A truly down to earth kinda guy Pretence is not for me Others try to show a bravado They think it's what ladies like It's very true some of 'em do But more like the tender type When a man cries, the girlies swoon Cuddle you to make you better The mother instinct at surely at work Right on down to the letter It isn't difficult, should come natural Just gotta try being yourself Girlies aren't looking for a hero type Just a down to earth type elf So now you know how to score A big hit with all the dear ladies Just be yourself, stop trying so hard You'll find the one, no maybes © Jack Ellison 2013

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See Ya In Heaven

In the seven years since I officially retired Have had trouble keeping my old brain active A major activity that's filled the void Is P-Soup which has kept my brain captive Owe my well being to this wonderful site Anxiously checking my inbox To see who's sent me these glowing responses Check it before donning my socks Addicted, I'd have to say that's true But life would be quite boring without it You people boost my ego every day Might survive but I really kinda doubt it So on my tombstone they'll probably inscribe He died in an extremely poetic way His last words rhymed as they closed the casket “That's all I have to say today” © Jack Ellison 2014

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Heaven's Waiting Room

In our great little retirement community They're dropping like flies around me Need to break free, must get out this place It's Heaven's Waiting Room you see Don't matter if you're healthy as all get out The grim reaper knows where you live He's as anxious as hell to whisk you away And you really have just one life to give So ignore the guy that's waiting at the door Do all the things you've always wanted Relentlessly time keeps marching forward It's progress remains undaunted Keep ahead of the game, of that final day Laugh at that guy with the sickle Tell him you'll call when your good and ready This existence can be oh so fickle © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Land Of Jack

Once upon a time in the land of Jack Everything was bright and shiny All the sweet ladies were big busted But the men's main assets were tiny Tried some exercise, even tried pills Even a new stretching machine Nothing worked 'twas doom and gloom Till this lady came on the scene With a revolutionary new method Whispering naughty words in their ears Along with certain body movements It had something to do with her rear And a stunning bottom it surely was I must say on a scale of one to ten It was off the charts, probably a twenty And the men all of a sudden became men From that time on in the land of Jack All men had smiles on their face They even smiled while getting a flu shot And the world was a happier place © Jack Ellison 2013

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Missing Stuff

Since moving to our brand new home There's things I haven't found Like my pair of pearly white dentures And Dufus our basset hound Still haven't located my tightie whities People are holding their noses Till I find 'em gonna use lots of cologne And carry a bouquet of roses Now certain things take top priority Like oil for my artificial leg The damn thing squeaks unmercifully “FIND THAT OIL!” Cathie begs The kitchen stuff's in the living room We're sleeping out on the lawn Neighbours are peering out their windows Expecting some “goings on”! All things considered we're doing fine Minor inconveniences they are We'll soon be sleeping in out of the rain And be happy campers, by gar! © Jack Ellison 2013

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If lawyers get de-barred and clergymen de-frocked Does it naturally follow and make sense That electricians are de-lighted and cowboys de-ranged? Need some answers, no sitting on the fence! Can a motorist be de-fined, a balloon's mood de-flated This silliness surely must stop Do dead mailmen de-liver, are old ships de-ported Better stop before I call a burly cop Do musicians get de-noted, dry cleaners de-pressed? Now hold on, I'm getting quite upset Can models be de-posed, do tree surgeons de-bark? Haven't heard any answers as yet Do skirts get de-pleted, has your hair been de-parted? This must be some kind of a plot Artists quit by de-sign, symphonies de-compose? I think about de's things a lot! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Quatrain Migraines

“Your quatrains are giving me migraines” Think I just heard someone say Sorry my good friends that's all I know At the number of forms, I'm amazed Could branch out, attempt something new A style artsy fartsy and clever But I get all sweaty at the thought of failure So I stick to what I've known forever This form has always been poetry to me Since I was knee high to a grasshopper Very famous bards have used other forms Not this simple minded clodhopper Some of us guys seem to like simplicity And I'm about as simple as it gets Maybe one day when I'm old and grey Oops! I am! I tend to forget! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Shorts In A Knot

Naughty, naughty, really naughty Oh how I love being naughty Gets everybody's shorts in a knot When I write humour that's potty Relax my friends, they're only words Let's not get all high and mighty We all partake in potty humour With some of us it happens nightly Helps the love play along quite nicely Besides the searching and hunting My palms are getting all sweaty now Feel like bumping and thumping This is becoming really quite naughty The censors are gonna have a fit They'll surely get a big kick out of it first Then they'll ban it from the mix But if perchance I get past the censors Got a lot more to send your way If the “word police” knock on my door I'll say, “Engleez I no parlay” © Jack Ellison 2013

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Basketball Heads

Made quite an impression, it seems On the chair I've been glued to so long The indentation is an exact replica Of my rear, hmmm, sounds like a song Me bum and me chair are going steady Have been since joining P-Soup Methinks maybe atrophy is setting in So I think I'll shoot some hoops It's surely a result of this computer age Our bodies will soon have no use Our heads will be the size of basketballs But our bodies will be an excuse Excuse to hold up our 100 pound heads With it's 250 gigabyte storage space We'll actually need some kind of device Or we'll continue to fall on our face Made quite an impression, it surely seems On the chair I've been glued to so long Thinks I'll go for a ride in my old jalopy An old Dodge I bought for a song © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Spitting Image

Okay I saw your spitting image today! Tried to give her a real big hug She was your utter and absolute clone my love Came so close to getting slugged Thought there was really only one of you With your bubbly personality Will check a lot more closely next time Could have ended up horizontally Never thought two could look so alike To run into her it was surely fate One of those spooky occurrences in life But her boyfriend set me straight Uncanny is a very good word to describe it Weird is another word that fits She even had a luscious body like yours And your gorgeous 34B... uh... eyes! © Jack Ellison 2013

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If we didn't have hands we'd all be mute Trying to express what we say Sometimes words are just not enough We surely need some other way If we didn't have hands we'd all be mute Couldn't show our utter disgust About this or that about ying and yang About which politician you can't trust If we didn't have hands we'd all be mute Frustration would rear its old head Valium would surely be a drug of choice So we use the bad finger instead If we didn't have hands we'd all be mute No words are any clearer than this Talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening A sign you surely can't miss If we didn't have hands we'd all be mute Need to step back and take a deep breath There nothing that's really that important Sometimes I lose it I must confess © Jack Ellison 2013

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Retired But Not Retarded

Retired but not retarded Sure like to make that distinction One doesn't necessarily follow the other Though many have that opinion Sent out to pasture, some say Another that's very often used Please try not to be so condescending Clearly I'm not really amused As useless as a little tit bird Have you ever heard this one before Begging you to be gentle with this old fart Sensitive but with charm galore You're also going to get there one day So your smugness will soon disappear As they help you into your wheelchair and ask “Are you comfortable, my dear?” © Jack Ellison 2014

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A Super Hero Lurking Inside

Another love poem for all you people This guy's quite the charmer it seems Could teach the young guys a thing or two About wooing pretty young things Don't mean to brag but I'm quite irresistible When I turn on my masculine charm Afraid you won't stand a ghost of a chance To resist would cause you some harm I'd be forced to resort to Master Plan B With tactics so charming and sweet It's actually illegal in some parts of the world You'll quiver right down to your feet At the very sight of my muscle bound body My friends, you'll shudder and swoon Unfortunately I'll have to reduce my charm And that would be quite inopportune Sometimes I can be quite overwhelming But sweet young things like youse Have surely been exposed to this stuff before And can handle it without much ado So methinks it's best I'll just cool it for now And go back to my shy persona Just know there's a Super Hero lurking inside Set to explode like a supernova © Jack Ellison 2014

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Old As Dirt

How old are you? Old as dirt When I was young Men wore skirts Guys bent over Showing Big Ben Didn't wear Jockey's Way back when Men were rugged And ladies demure No skin showing But still had allure Just goes to prove Defining what's hot Is what we imagine Not what we've got Forgive us guys It's how we're built But you've been seen Looking up our kilt The moral is this Believe it or not Men chase women Till us guys get caught! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Head Banger

Walked into a ruddy stop sign today Damn thing's been there for eons Concentration lately is all shot to hell It's the looney bin for me e'er long They'll lock me up this time for good Probably it's best that they do Before I do some irreparable damage And I wind up royally screwed Thought I had things under control Wear underwear most every day But at times I'm known to wander off Police bring me back when I stray Bumping into things ain't a good sign Quite famous all over the town Forgetting to zip up after having a pee Or even forgetting to zip down So sad an ending to a productive life Babbling to myself as I drool But the friends I talk to inside my head Understand me and think I'm cool! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Your Breath Could Move Mountains

Your breath could move mountains The Himalayas used to be in France Are you pregnant my sweet young filly Or is that a watermelon in your pants I've seen better legs on an orangutang Nothing personal don't take offence Turn your head sideways for a moment Wow! Your nose is quite immense Now about the patchy hair on your face Was that from some childhood disease Your shoes must have to be specially made Bet you can walk on the Sea of Galilee Your eyes are like deep cesspools Your lips remind me of a rubber dinghy But aside from all these strange features You're better looking than my friend Jimmy © Jack Ellison 2014

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Get Outta Town

Feel some silliness coming on But why am I not surprised It's who I am, a jester by trade But a harmless kind of a guy If you're expecting tear jerking stuff You'd be outta luck my mate Usually post nothing but giggles Get outta town fore it's too late Beat it or you'll be seriously addicted It'll surely take over your psyche Click somewhere else, take my advice It's never too late, by crikey But if you do happen to get addicted An emergency line you can call Is “Gigglers Anonymous” look it up Free for you poets all © Jack Ellison 2013

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Ode to the Not So Innocent Fifties

If only I had been a teen in the Fifties
I'm sure I would have had "Happy Days",
Like Fonzie I would have donned a leather jacket
And young babes would have lavished me with praise

Like James Dean I would have that swagger
There'd be a cigarette hanging from my lips
I'd have the right moves on the dance floor
They would say "Check out those Elvis Hips!"

You would see me riding down main street 
On my Harley with a babe on the back
Making our way to A&W
The best burger before a Mac attack

Once done eating we'd go to the Drive in
If dad would lend me his new Chevrolet
The back seat would be way more comfortable
Then a roll in the barn in the hay!

With fogged windows we wouldn't see the Movie
We'd still hear Humphry Bogart and Becall 
Passionately rounding all love's bases
Not concearned about the movie at all!

So now I am living in my fifties
I'm Fifty three years old to be exact
The back seats have gotten much smaller
And I am way to uncool to attract!

For Kelly Deschler's Decade Contest.

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Friends For Dinner

We're having friends for dinner on Saturday Well we're not actually having them for dinner! That statement implies that we're cannibalistic And our list of friends would get thinner! We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway This play on words sure can confuse If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? One moose, two meese, how do we choose? Make amends always seems to be plural Can't we make one amend I'd like to know! One tooth, two teeth, why not one booth two beeth? And why shouldn't you pick your seat at a show? A slim chance and a fat chance mean the same But a wise man and a wise guy are opposites The weather is either hot as hell or cold as hell I know it's confusing but don't take a fit! This English language can be oh so confusing It can drive you to distraction at times But try to learn Chinese or Mandarin my friend You'll realize the English language is divine! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Wild Times

The markets are having a real good day Which means I'm having one too My moods go up and down with the charts Wild times we're going through One day we're up on top of the world Next day it's all doom and gloom Imagine if we were all so stinking rich We'd buy drinks for the whole damn room Dream on people, that sounds delusional Been downing too many of drafts The only time I'll be buying the beer Is if I've gone completely daft So on those days the markets are up And your spirits are flying high Walk around with a grin on your face And hug everyone that goes by Coz sure as shootin' down they'll come And your gains will disappear You'll be dragging your sorry ass once more And downing a bunch more beer! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Association of Chronic Bellyachers

When traveling a stretch of life's highway Does it feel like it's uphill both ways? Does it feel like winter's twelve months long? Do you work like a dog for small pay? Well welcome to a newly formed club The Association of Chronic Bellyachers We meet every Thursday at the crack of dawn We're a bunch of cranky “whine” makers No grins, guffaws, or laughter's allowed Could be thrown out on your rear We've a couple of burly guards at the door Wearing scowls from ear to ear So if there's really nothing that bugs you You ain't welcome at one of our meetings Especially if you're content with your life You could even end up with a beating We take this bellyaching seriously you know It's developed into a new kind of art The technique we've developed is really simple Happiness never invades our heart Now, if the real truth of the matter be known With tongue planted firmly in my cheek I'm really this sweet, kind hearted old codger Never gripes, never lets out a peep! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Do You Like What You See In The Mirror

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Do you cringe at your sordid reflection Take heart my dear friend, could be a lot worse We all have minor imperfections There are some of us with big oversized honkers And a some have these sticky out ears Eyes that are crossed and foul smelling breath Who haven't had friends in years People often say “we'll call you next week” But next week never seems to get here Could it be they're just trying hard to avoid me With my belly that's seen too much beer But the bottom line is we are all quite unique No one has a claim on perfection We don't have a choice with how we turn out It's totally about natural selection So now I feel better bout my funny appearance No more need to cover it with a beard Had this face fuzz since nineteen sixty-two Without it gonna feel a bit weird © Jack Ellison 2013

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Elevated Laughter

I stood on the steps 
To look at a Girraffe 
Enormous eyelashes 
Soon caused me to laugh 

She seemed some what offended
As She batted her eyes
She never had this affect
On any other guys

The oxygen must be thin
All of a sudden she could talk
She said if I kept laughing
She would turn around and walk

If any one was funny
She said it had to be me
A neck so short an scrawny 
must make it really hard to see

She took her very long tongue
Started licking my ear
She said she'd never seen one
That was so small and so dear

I was  a little surprised
As I took a short step back
I tripped and fell through the air
Then I landed with a wack

She could not help herself
It's her that had the last laugh
As for the butt bruised me
I seen a laughing Girraffe 

She said so long shorty
I'm more into tall guys
She turned and away
As I yelled my goodbyes

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clickin' it

I'm on a roll, I just can't help myself
there's ads to the left 'n' ads to the right
there's ladies cooing "buy it" for health
I'm filling my cart with goods of delight

There's clothing in a myriad of colors
there's electronics for cars and for home
clicked a half-dozen and two for my brother
and got some software from Adobe to Chrome

I've ordered a Strad - a Steinway too,
'n' gettin a Picasso 'n' givin' it to you
they advertised a sale on NY bridges
'n' the Congressional library, unabridged

I'm tempted to click on it all you know
I love crossin' 'n' readin' 'n' spendin' dough
buyin' online just rocks my emotion 'n'
free shipping's included when buying an ocean

A new car, a new wife, maybe a new kid too!
I'm clickin' hard and shoppin' for life!
that hollowed out feeling I used to feel brew
is all but gone now and I'm cheerfully blithe

don't know if they know it but I'm buyin' their greed
I'm buyin' their lives 'cause I'm fillin' their need
they always seem happy when I get my confirmation
if it'd keep 'em happy, hell, I'd buy the damn nation

it's not that I need it, or can use it, or anything
I'm just clickin' it for the happiness it brings!

© Goode Guy 2013-08-22

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A Peeing Machine

A peeing machine, a peeing machine That's what I've now become About every two hours like clockwork It's off to the toity I run While making a speech at a banquet Right smack dab in the middle That old biological urge rears its head And off I go for a piddle Considered installing a porta-pottie In every room of my house It sure would make a whole lot of sense Especially when I get soused It certainly becomes a hairy affair When I can't undo my buckle So I just enjoy the cozy warm feeling Stand and piddle and chuckle A peeing machine, a peeing machine That's what I've now become! © Jack Ellison 2012

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A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To The Soup

A funny thing happened on the way to the Soup Was accosted by a young girlie with a sign A sign that read “WE WANT MORE GIGGLES” And Jester Jack's our fellow of rhyme Jester Jack's been missing for quite a while now He's been writing bout mushy love stuff Don't know what's come over this dear fellow Of his funnies, we can't get enough It's just a phase old Jack's going through Maybe thinks his number's almost up Naw that can't be it, this guy's fit as a fiddle He's still as spry as a young pup So for those who are patiently waiting for fun Jester Jack promises giggles real soon Getting back to his roots that's where he's heading Won't be too long so y'all stay tuned A funny thing happened on the way to the Soup © Jack Ellison 2013

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Betcha Can't Guess

Betcha can't guess what this is Don't cheat and look down below A unique and funky candy dish? Or an ash tray, do you think you know? Looks like a prize from a midway Something to hang on your wall A spittoon you find at a dentist's office Or a kids game called “Toss The Ball” Ha! You guys are ten miles off base Won't believe what this thing is for Used by both males and females At times they line up by the score Quite functional and a real necessity Frequented at the pub or a game Because of all the beer that's consumed Okay scroll down to find out it's name... (Scroll down) So what did you say? Did you get it right? Guessed “toilet bowl”?... you are correct! You win a big bucket of horse manure So what great prize did you expect? © Jack Ellison 2013

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Just Some Silly Stuff

In her lifetime, a cow produces Two hundred thousand glasses of milk Wow, she must be a total wreck After a hundred I surely would wilt Your average domestic cat bombs along At about thirty-one miles an hour Especially if that old family dog, Rover Is attempting her hide to devour Did you know that a young George W Was once a cheerleader in college I'll bet your life is now finally complete Since learning this choice bit of knowledge People spend over three and a half years Whiling away their time on the can Headstones should be shaped like toilet bowls And also be equipped with a fan There's a town in PA called Intercourse I wonder what prompted the townsfolk To call their town such a provocative name Was it just their idea of a joke Studies show most Australian women Will have sex on the very first date Booking my ticket tomorrow morning Heard the climate there is great The favourite place next the bedroom Is having steamy sex in a car I'm writing this poem from the back seat Of my gorgeous Nissan GT-R A thousand birdies die each year From smashing headlong into windows Sure not the smartest of God's little creatures Just one step up from a minnow Okay, just one more of these silly facts Then I really must take my leave You're able to lose weight just smelling bananas Got a million more up my sleeve! © Jack Ellison 2013

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If You Die In An Elevator

If you happen to die in an elevator Be sure to push “UP” fore you go I know a man who surely panicked Pushed “DOWN”, wound up down below Tried to explain to Satan what happened Pushed the “DOWN” button by mistake The Pearly Gates was where he wanted to go Begged Satan to give him a break Said he always had lived an exemplary life Was kind and generous most times He once stole some candy from a baby though But he's tried to put that behind “Sorry,” said Satan, “I've got hold of you now Won't let you out of my sight My rules down here are strict and quite simple You pay for your sins forthright!” “But what if I can guarantee a special treat?” “What are you offering, my friend?” “A night of passion with Kim Kardashian” On his way to Heaven he did wend! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Still Known As A Bed Wetter

Usually don't know if I'm coming or going A confused old dude is what I mean Even sometimes put the cart before the horse Makes for an real interesting scene So now you know, I have finally confessed Can't keep it a secret any longer I'm quite a bit different from you other poets I'm a certified strange kind of author See things differently than most normal folks Have a weird way of looking at things Perhaps you've noticed, never thought to ask Just the way my pendulum swings Absolutely happy in this delusional state Too afflicted to know any better Kind of embarrassing to tell you guys this Still known to be a naughty bed wetter So let's get serious, my P-Soup friends I'm as normal as the rest of you Wait, that's not sounding too much better Think we're all a big bunch of kooks © Jack Ellison 2014

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Can't imagine life without naughtiness It spices things up, it does Naughtiness was given to us human beans A blessing if there ever was Imagine a whole world of up tight people Afraid to stumble and fall I'm prey to naughtiness, stuff they call smut Bad words, bad thoughts and all Really I'm usually quite prim and proper That's the image I try to portray Sometimes though the real me is exposed I'm nailed to the wall some days Have to admit really enjoy being naughty It spices up a most boring life I highly recommend it this life of naughty Gotta try it at least once or twice Write me and tell me how it all works out Are you scorned and ridiculed and stuff Take heart my friends for naughtiness rocks This stuff that we can't get enough © Jack Ellison 2013

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Laugh With Jack Number 3

Ninety-seven percent of all U.S. currency Contains a trace amount of cocaine Sniffing your George Washington's every day Causes a mellowing of the brain If we were able to live on Planet Mercury Each year is only 88 days there Well holy kadoodle, at that astounding rate I'd be 300 and still have my hair The world record for the most babies born By one woman is sixty-nine My guess is she was perpetually pregnant Imagine all the washing on her line They say a broken clock is always right A couple of times every day If you're having trouble figuring that one out You should seek some help I'd say The G in “g-string” that those dancers wear Stands for “groin” I've heard it said But if a dancer weighs over 300 pounds It would stand for “gross” instead Way back when, nagging wives were punished By being forced to wear a bridle Think I'll refrain from commenting here For fear of serious reprisals The male praying mantis cannot copulate While it's head is still attached So the female accommodates by ripping it off So much for a possible rematch Although they may not want to admit it Women fart as much as men But they fart in a much more ladylike fashion And never lift their leg or bend © Jack Ellison 2013

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Jack And Jillian

A modern nursery rhyme Jack and Jillian were sweethearts They lived on a midwestern farm Ravaged by drought one summer Lack of water sounded the alarm So they set out to fetch a bucket At a spring not too far from home Half mile down the road they traveled Came upon a hill they had known As they started up this familiar hill Jack lost his footing and fell down Jillian came tumbling after him They both had broken their crowns Jack got to his feet immediately Ran home as fast as he could caper Wrapped his head with a bandage Of vinegar and handy brown paper Moral of this modern nursery rhyme Never trust a fellow named Jack He'll love you and leave you stranded And probably never come back! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Lady Numbnuts

A lady once called herself “Numbnuts” Now that was totally uncalled for The sweetest filly I've ever did know Must chastise her, give her what for Next time I see her, if I see her again Gonna plant a big smacker on her lips That'll teach her, this long lost filly Also gonna grab her round the hips Gonna squeeze her hard, not too hard Till she yells, “I surrender, Jack” Might let go but there's no guarantees Still haven't lost my knack So my sweet darling Lady Numbnuts I'm eagerly awaiting the time I'll once again plant a wonking big kiss And feel that feeling sublime © Jack Ellison 2014

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Kicking Up Geraniums

Believe it or not I was a shy young man Led a very uninteresting life Then met a crazy lady named Cathie “Laugh every day”, her advice Life's short, you'll wonder where it went Don't know how much is remaining “So party it up, make the most of it,” she said “You'll soon be kicking up geraniums” So I took her advice maybe a little to literal Not a serious bone in my body So don't ya blame me, blame it on Cathie A slave to this sweet younger hottie It's That's her private and personal address Some might like her to explain how she did it Haven't a clue I must really confess Once was a shy and retiring young man She changed my whole life around I'm now the dude I always wanted to be Where joy and silliness abound © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Puns Just Keep Coming

Here'a giggle are you ready for this Better sit down I'd say Why do psychics ask you your name Maybe it's a game they play Gotta tell ya, gonna live forever But still got a ways to go I'm certainly not worried, no not me Feel good right down to my toes Hardness of butter is really proportional Directly to how soft the bread is But with toast you have a fighting chance Will be testing you later in a quiz What if you get scared half to death twice Gonna leave that one alone If there's a will, there's about 500 relatives All wanting a share of their own Death is most definitely a hereditary thing How many still have parents living See I just told you its just a matter of time Might be joining 'em by Thanksgiving A dear friend of mine is so optimistic Bought a burial suit with 2 pairs of pants Until we know exactly where we're going Why should we take the chance You laugh because I'm a little bit different I laugh coz I just let one go One of my better ones I gotta tell ya A joyous expulsion to behold © Jack Ellison 2013

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Cross-Eyed Chickens

There's nothing funnier than a cross-eyed chicken With legs the size of your arm Kentucky Fried Chicken would sure love to know The name of this progressive farm Aside from the unnerving cross-eyed feature The implications are immense Imagine a leg on your plate so big You wouldn't know where to commence The cross-eyed feature might cause some concern If the patrons viewed this poor old bird Before it was rendered suitable for your gullet It looked hilariously absurd The cross eyes were caused by trying to eject A super sized extra large egg Probably gave the poor bird a hernia Before passing it, for mercy it begged Such is the way of us civilized humans Thinking of our bellies all day Paying no attention to these cross-eyed chickens Trying not to end up on our plate © Jack Ellison 2014

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I've Learned To Live With Perfection

(Tongue in cheek! LOL) Nobody's perfect but I come pretty close Don't usually brag about my prowess But sometimes I just get so overwhelmed My enthusiasm for me is boundless You may be annoyed by my constant bragging But when you're as perfect as me It's almost impossible to let it go unnoticed Must share my perfection with thee It's sure not all fun and games living up to Such standards I've set for me Got no one to blame but my own desires For impressing all you ladies, indeed Afflicted by charm and stunning good looks All my life, it's been quite a struggle Living up to the standards I've set for myself But I've tried not to burst your bubble I am what I am, there's no changing now I've learned to live with perfection Not everyone's able to handle such a burden It's a serious incurable infection © Jack Ellison 2014

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Old And Crinkly

Why do we have to get old and crinkly When we reach a certain age Why can't we stay all smooth and cuddly Like we were when we were babes! Some people call me a crinkly old man But inside I'm still cuddly as ever Don't miss a trick, still go for my walks Out there in all kinds of weather As jovial as ever, this happy old man Wants nothing more than sweet love Bonding with all his very close friends Till the sun don't shine up above So those of you who are reaching old age My advice is just let it all flow Crinkles add character heard someone say But inside the love still glows © Jack Ellison 2013

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Back End Emissions

My back end emissions have yet to reach Point eight on the Richter Scale A magnitude that easily destroys big buildings Or drives locomotives off the rail Most of the time they're silent but deadly The kind that can make people mute I've also heard that a man in Kansas City Let one fly and it blew off his suit Now that's what I call a powerful emission Hope one day to blow a point eight I'll be able to rest with my life's work done Sure hope it doesn't trigger a quake! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Too Much Love

Got too much love, it's bursting out Never have felt so much passion Every woman that I pass on the street I ask if they're looking for action Got bruises all over my face and body Coz some don't find it amusing Thought all the girlies found me stunning Answer's no, you can tell by the bruising The wounds will heal in time, I know But the damage it's done to my psyche Can't be measured, it's crushed my ego A severe disappointment, by crikey Well, I've still got a bunch of P-Soup friends My avatar is some Hollywood dude It gives me a fighting chance with the ladies I'd never post one of me in the nude That surely would chase them away for sure Got bumps in all the wrong places But a heart that's really as big a a pumpkin Sadly I still must wear my braces © Jack Ellison 2013

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Me In The Third Person

Strangest thought just entered my head What if I critiqued my own poems D'ya think I'd really be tough on myself Or would you detect a slight bias tone Using the criteria of accepted norms I'd be down at the bottom, no bones But for humorous verse and originality Call me Oliver Wendell Holmes First I followed time honoured patterns Of poets that have gone on before But that's not what makes a poet of note Originality is what raises his score So go ahead and break all the rules That have been in place forever Develop your style of creative writing And be proud of your endeavour (My apologies to Oliver Wendell Holmes!) © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Sweet Ladies Of P-Soup

All the ladies of Poetry Soup Have me wrapped around their fingers Pulling me along by my big proboscis As their lady smell doth linger That scent that drives us male dudes wild You guys know of what I speak Not stuff you can buy in a beauty salon That oh so feminine mystique It's really damn difficult to turn it off The reason we act like buffoons We succumb and act so silly and stuff Often we even bay at the moon Like a bunch of silly young teenage dudes We stammer when trying to speak Our faces turn red, we bump into things Sometimes letting out little shrieks There is a cure, it's called commitment How dare I suggest such a thing There's just got to be a much simpler way Perhaps a one night ring-a-ding-ding All the ladies of Poetry Soup Have me wrapped around their fingers Pulling me along by my big proboscis As their lady smell doth linger © Jack Ellison 2014

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Mucho Silliness

How can someone draw a blank Now that's a real poser How d'ya know if it's new and improved dog food Eating that stuff's not kosher Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs Sound quite logical to me If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone Is it charged with battery Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns Because they taste so funny If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds? Bet it's better than even money Why does every toaster have a setting That will burn the toast to a crisp Can women put on mascara with their mouth closed Why do holes in most donuts exist Here's one I'll bet you've never thought of Do birdies ever need to pee If so, perhaps those sprinkles of rain that fall Aren't really rain between you and me Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight While the buns come in packs of ten Tell me what do they put in for colour of hair On the drivers licenses of bald men © Jack Ellison 2014

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Brain Farts

Here I sit, the screen is blank Nothing is coming to mind I search and search my tiny brain For a theme of any kind Nothing doing, my brain is numb It's happened to me before When it happens panic takes over I pace up and down the floor Wait a minute something's coming A brain fart is on it's way I know the feeling all too well Cataclysmic, I'd have to say I frantically type as verses flow Don't stop me I'm in the zone It's a weird creative frenzy I'm in My brain is functioning all on my own As words begin to fill the screen Can't believe what my eyes do see A poem appears just like bloody magic And it's signed by little old me Now tell me how this happens I beg This brain fart phenomenon Wish I could really get control of it It's appears and then it's gone! © Jack Ellison 2014

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A Tricky Little Riddle

Okay guys, here's a tricky little riddle Name the states with only four letters? Careful now, it's a tricky one Don't want to ruffle any feathers! The real obvious ones are as follows... There's Ohio, Iowa, and Utah Believe me, there's actually seven more I'll bet you think it's a flaw! Trust me there's actually seven others Don't you look at the bottom notes Till you've given it your very best shot No one's going to call you a dope! © Jack Ellison 2013 (Scroll down) Here's the other seven Alabama – a,l,b,m Mississippi – m,i,s,p Kansas – k,a,n,s Hawaii – h,a,w,i Indiana – i,n,d,a Tennessee – t,e,n,s Alaska – a,l,s,k I told you it was tricky!!!

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It's My Muse

There's something funny in most things you see It's all about how you look at it A guy falling on his ass slipping on a banana peel Is funny coz you weren't hurt a bit Sure can't believe I just said that dear friends Usually more caring than that Although there's this one time I was just a wee tike Climbed a tree and dropped our cat Nearly laughed my sadistic young head off then As Miss Kitty landed on all fours So Miss Kitty Kat had the last laugh after all Cruelty is something she abhors Another time was walking with this sweetie Suddenly she was no longer beside me Walked smack dab into this crotch high post Doubled over I laughed till I peed Seems other's misfortunes are funny to me Sadistic is a good word to use But in my own defence I'm still a nice guy It's basically always my muse © Jack Ellison 2014

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Thank You Censors

Must thank the censors here on the Soup Been pushing the envelope lately Writing some naughties about bums and farts Allowing me to bend the rules slightly Letting you know I appreciate your leniently Like turning a blind eye so to speak But I have an affinity for off colour stuff Can leave me trembling and weak Must take a break in the middle of my writing To douse my head in cold water Temperature can reach one hundred and twenty That's when I'm glad for my walker So I'm gonna try hard not to be naughty For me that's really quite difficult No more bad words like pee, poop and farts In the future with you I'll consult <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2013

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Old Geezers

How come all my good buddies Look so much older than I? Guess they didn't take care of themselves That's surely the reason why Look at me, I'm still dapper and fit But my friends look frail and tired Can't believe we went to the same school Seems life has put out their fire Skin's all wrinkled, their hair is white Their teeth are not all their own Some even need the help of a cane As they search for their way back home Whoops! Just saw myself in a mirror Is this somebody's idea of a joke I'm so much younger than the image I see That's surely some other bloke Am I really one of those poor sad folks With brand new hips and knees Sure thought my friends were not aging well Turns out one of those guys is me © Jack Ellison 2014

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Giggles And Fun

A funny thing just happened to me Logging onto the site my friends Someone asked me what's up with the sillies Are you trying to start a new trend? Yep! I said, there's too much negativity I find it very hard to swallow My simple mind has trouble understanding At times find it difficult to follow So I'm trying my best to brighten things up Though this site is second to none Just want to add some fun and frivolity With bunches of giggles and fun Sure don't expect to get total agreement Some like that real serious stuff With forty or fifty per cent I'll be happy That sure will be more than enough! © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Jollies

Think the jollies are starting to return Told you I wouldn't stay down long Not those kind of jollies, you naughty people Thought you might get me wrong You people, you really should be ashamed What kind of dude d'ya think I am I'm quite respectable and live a clean life But in reality it's all just a sham Sometimes I'll be hanging from the chandelier Overcome be these jollies I enjoy Dribbling and drooling to beat the band Talk about jollies, ooooh boy! Sure must be careful at this ripe old age Not as agile as I once used to be So if you happen to hear a bulletin on CNN Man falls from chandelier, it's me! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Never know what's coming out of my mouth Was once in a store in Cape Cod Some lady clumsily knocked over a stand Blurted out, “Look what you've done, my god!” In an elevator in the heart of downtown Toronto A lady hit the button for the second floor I blurted out, “That's only one floor up,” “could've walked up and got there before!” Being a good sport, said “What! Burn a calorie?” “Are you outta your cotton-pickin' mind?” I thanked her and wished her a very good night Happy I didn't end up on my behind Never know what's coming out of my mouth Had a few not too pleasant adventures Like the time starting out a nervous young teller Said to a lady, “may I help you, SIR!” Really gotta learn to keep my trap shut Fortunate to have survived this long It's better to mumble and drool like an idiot Or dance and sing children's songs! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Christmas, Already

My world is upside down,
this house is all askew.
Hours fly by like the wind,
the days are far too few.

The tree is still in its box,
the cookies are not done.
The cards are gonna be late,
this is supposed to be fun?

We wrote down our wishes,
threw our names in the pot.
Maybe I'd know what to buy,
if I recalled whose name I got.

When those sleigh bells jingle,
I'll wave him right on past.
"Sorry, Santa. I'm not ready,
you'll have to come here last."


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Long Live The Sillies

Enough is enough of this seriousness Back to the sillies where I belong Here's something to ponder, my friends Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long I don't usually have to think twice Before giving it a second thought You're schizophrenic? That makes four of us Skydiving is good to the last drop Have you heard that gravity is a myth In reality, it's the Earth that sucks Did you know old people have a secret That secret is known as luck You know you have a small apartment When Kellogg's Coco Pops echo Maybe our world is another planet's hell Sure wouldn't surprise me to know Why do psychics have to ask you your name Going to live forever... so far so good I adore you more than beans and rice If I could love you more I would They say, hard work pays off in the future I say, laziness pays off now Some sage advice, never ever stand close To the back end of a cow All those who believe in psycho kinesis Will you please raise my hand People usually wind up in a prone position While involved in a one night STAND What happens if you get scared to death twice What do sheep count to help them sleep Ever wonder why all blackboards are green Do birds shake wings when they greet © Jack Ellison 2014

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Carol The Kook

Carol the Kook has been a loyal friend Right from the very start A day without Carol is a day without sunshine Lives in a special part of my heart Along with her dearest hubby Mike Lives with a virtual house full Dragon seems to be Carol's No. 1 favourite Breathes imaginary fire, that's no bull Carol brightens up the whole of my life Never misses a day not even one If all of a sudden Miss Carol went missing You'd hear me holler “CALL 9-1-1”! If you wanna talk about an overactive mind Miss Carol's surely fills the bill I absolutely and totally love this sweet lady As long as I'm breathing I will Need Carol the Kook to get mornings goin' Or else I'd just go back to bed The highlight of each and every one of my days A day without Carol I would dread © Jack Ellison 2103
My tribute to my loving and loyal friend Carol Eastman

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Eileen's Kangaroo Hop

Everybody's doing it Eileen's Kangaroo Hop The very latest worldwide craze Excitement till you drop Grab your loving partner Your most favourite li'l kitty Hop around like a kangaroo To this infectious little ditty It's certainly sure to banish All your nasty big old blues You'll feel such great excitement Right down to your li'l old shoes But exercise some caution Ladies are delicate and frail Such precious little flowers Not strong like us macho males Some have actually K-Hopped Until the break of dawn If you and kitty feel so inclined By all means carry on On the bus ride in the morning Ignore those sideways glances Some might even join in with you In your happy K-Hop dances Sure to make friends giggle Break out in a great big smile The world will be a happier place If it's only for a while The real reason for this here poem This snappy little tale To tell you that's it's quite alright To keep going till you're frail As long as you keep on dancing To Eileen's Kangaroo Hop They won't be able to close the lid They'll have to sit on top! © Jack Ellison 2013 As promised, another for my dear Eileen Ghali

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As coffee cups go mine's very pretty With butterflies and flowers thereon Not very masculine I must admit But sure welcome at the crack of dawn Stumbling my way down to the kitchen At six o'clock right on the dot Dragging my body bumping into things Arms flailing as I reach for the pot The first sip goes down kinda roughly I shake and shudder giving thanks My body tingles right down to my tootsies That stuff can sure turn my crank Been thinking of taking it intravenously That's when there's no turning back When you fall headlong over the precipice And have serious withdrawal attacks But to top it all off this substance is legal How cool is that my good friends When stuff can give you this much of a buzz It's bound to be illegal in the end So far so good and until further notice You can drink it openly if you wish But as soon as it goes the way of marijuana That's a whole different kettle of fish © Jack Ellison 2013

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Scaring Little Old Ladies

Don't know if I've ever told you before But I'm the creative director Of our cool little community newspaper It's quite the people connector It's all about events and the 'goings on' That interest the local folks But I'm not averse to lighting things up With an abundance of silly jokes Keeps me out of mischief every day Instead of walking the streets Scaring all the little old ladies to death Offering them goodies and sweets Guess I sound like a lecherous old man But I do get lonely at times That's when Cathie chains me to the porch But I'm a sweet old lovable kind! So it's finally out, now you guys can see When not concocting silly rhymes I try to find other ways to amuse me Till Cathie calls me in at nine! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Pouring My Own Ketchup

This frigid weather is getting me down Was planning to sunbathe today Perhaps I won't with temps in the minus Skin freezes in 30 seconds they say Maybe it's better if I wait 4 or 5 months Sunburn is better than freezer burn Besides my bikini line would go all the way up To my nipples as to purple they'd turn I'm Canadian eh! So what's all the big fuss Used to go out in my jockeys When temp reached down to negative 20 But I'm no longer young and cocky With some guys it takes a wee bit longer For their brains to fully develop Almost eighty so I'm really looking forward To finally pouring my own ketchup <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2014

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The Quatrain King

A certain someone Made fun of me Noticed my big use of Quatrains if you please I laughed and chuckled I'm stuck in this bind If I tried something else I'd surely go blind In the years to come They'll be writing bout me The Quatrain King Stuff ya gotta see May sound egotistical Well maybe that's so But renowned the world over From New York to Seoul Could try different forms But that's not for me My passion is Quatrains So just leave me be! LOL © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Giggle In Your Old Gazoo

My goal each day is to put a smile on your face And a giggle in your old gazoo Don't ask me where your gazoo is located I think it sounds naughty, don't you! Well now that I've got your attention, my friends Welcome to my place in the Soup Usually giggles with some love stuff mixed in Sometimes I even talk about poop! Censors are always on the alert for some smut But I disguise it with some serious stuff If you read between the lines you'll find it there As I sit here typing in the buff! Hey I just thought of where your gazoo could be If I can just get by these old censors It's just a bit below the centre of your yahoo And it's held up by your suspenders! Well, if all of a sudden my name disappears From the member list on the Soup I'll be sitting here lonely, please drop me a line I promise not to talk about poop! © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Memory Bank

My memory bank is outta funds Someone musta robbed me in the night Think my name's either Jack or Charlie Can't remember which one is right Had to look on my driver's license To determine if I am who I am That's quite sad, seems I've lost my identity Could be a very famous man Heard of anyone regaining their youth Like totally full of beans once more Stealing hubcaps and other naughty stuff What a hoot that would be, for sure Dream on little fellow, ain't gonna happen You're doomed to a life of Metamucil It sure was a blast while the damn thing lasted Old age surely can be quite brutal © Jack Ellison 2014

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Jack The Jester

Jack the Jester some people call me Quite hard living up to at times But if you keep reading, I'll write some sillies To help you forget winter's signs Join the army... visit exotic places Meet strange people, then kill them I'd really like to help you out, dear friend Which way did you come in They say beauty is in the eye of the beer holder A truer word was never uttered It's amazing I can still come up with these gems My poor brain is really cluttered To all you virgins out there, thanks for nothing This one sure gave me a giggle It's good we have this fancy computer thingy You'd never decipher my squiggles You laugh because you think I'm different I laugh because I just farted Change is good but dollars are much better Now do you see what you started © Jack Ellison 2014

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Wilde Oscar

“Some cause happiness wherever they go Others whenever they go” One of Oscar Wilde's famous quotes Would have been a great man to know “Always forgive your enemies Nothing annoys them so much” Another gem from this famous fellow As a humorist he sure had the touch “America was discovered before Columbus But it had always been hushed up” Yet another gem from this fertile mind Don't think that's coffee in his cup “I think God in creating Man Somewhat overestimated his ability” This one totally cracks me up His mind worked with ease and agility “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing And a great deal of it is absolutely fatal” It's something I learned a long time ago In fact, I think I learned it prenatal “Anyone who lives within their means Suffers from a lack of imagination” You should throw all caution to the wind And give in to those naughty temptations “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable That we have to alter it every six months” Oscar is one of my favourite humorists His mind was definitely out to lunch! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Silliness Revisited

An army of mites reside in our lashes With mouths and tiny claws Along the road to human evolution This was surely a major flaw Astronauts strangely can't burp in space What useless dribble is that Felines can have over one hundred kittens Now that's one pooped out cat Some atheists put up Christmas trees An identity crisis for sure A cow can poop up to four tons a year That's sure a big batch of manure A woman once had sixty-nine children Talk about barefoot and pregnant With a dirty big bunch of kiddies like that She could hold her own beauty pageant Nose prints are used to identify dogs Imagine if they used those for humans Especially during the influenza season... yuk! There'd be snot all over the policeman The salary of Toto in “The Wizard Of Oz” Was a hundred twenty dollars a week That's a hundred and twenty dollars more than me Since retiring my new job is sleep The tallest people in the world are the Dutch Must duck underneath the windmills While kissing, most tilt their head to the right But there's some who rub noses still © Jack Ellison 2012

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The many Faces of You

Your eyes maybe small and deep set
But so piercing are their look
They maybe dark as the deep sea
But their shine and sincerity are my hook.

Your face is open like the sky
On which a canvas has been animated
It denounces a soul so alive
A mind so wide, a spirit so liberated.

Your look opens up a view
Of a will connected to the divine
Strong, unwavering around the truth
Beheld by a heart warm like the sunshine.

The lines around your face
Denote a life devoted to all
Sometimes rising in humorous waves
Either in amazement or having a ball.

Other times so very serious
with deep concerns, suffering
with those whose suffer, furious
At the evil forces that today cause such enmity.

Your face is like the book of life
A tapestry of many colors
That shows me what heaven is like
A portrait imprinted on my mind forever. 

By CarolineCecile
Copyright © 04.17.10

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Big Boobies Rule

Did someone just mention a nudie beach Where inhibitions are thrown to the wind Divesting oneself of the rules of society Exposing our lily white skin Where voluptuousness causes virile males To babble incoherently and drool Not to disparage the lesser endowed But it's always been BIG BOOBIES RULE Don't have to be large and well shaped orbs Small and perky can still turn heads A female's appeal has a very wide range Must be upright and preferably not dead As long as her body has all the main parts In a relatively organized manner It's quite immaterial to virile young males When viewing with his built in scanner © Jack Ellison 2013

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Tale Of A Messy Birdhouse

Written about all there is to write about Covered all the important issues Except one, haven't written about a birdhouse Or the bird poop that always ensues Don't these guys have any class at all No appreciation for what we do Providing a home through all kinds of weather Come on, show some tact or adieu Your kind are not welcome round this place Find some other birdhouse to mess This abode is for clean freak birdies only So mosey along with the rest It's almost like I think they understand me Well I pretty sure some do Coz when I told one to take a hike It pooped on my fancy dress shoe Well there you go that's something different Pretty sure that's a first time for me Writing about birdies and their pooping habits Wish they'd stay up in the trees © Jack Ellison 2014

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Jockeys On Back To Front

Here's a laugher, pay attention It'll make your day a lot brighter Put my Jockeys on back to front Put some tap water in my lighter Gave the cat a bunch of dog food What a silly billy old me Fed the dog some kitty food He meowed and climbed up a tree Poured red wine on my cereal Put sour cream on my toast Hey that was really kinda yummy Mustard on ice cream's the most A little bit weird, a little strange In my world there's nuttin' off limits Try anything once, maybe even twice Even M&Ms fried in my skillet I'm grossing me out, I gotta stop Just sprinkled my donut with vinegar Have I gone nuts, maybe it's love But that's just me, go figure! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Riding The Roost

Some call me prolific I call me obsessed Some say I'm a kook I say I'm blessed It's all that I think of Poems from the heart But silly damn nonsense Is still my main art Takes the same effort To make people laugh As it does to depress them To make you gasp So this here is me Just little old me A happy old duffer Filled with much glee So next time you're looking For a morning boost Check out this old Jester He'll be riding the roost © Jack Ellison 2013

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Alive But Iffy

The best way to tell if you're still alive Is to breathe on a window pane If the window suddenly starts to fog up You're alive but its iffy all the same Shouldn't have to use this old time method Normally you really should know To help your loved ones feel more at ease You should move every hour or so They really get worried and start to fret If you haven't moved for days Think the grim reaper had stolen you away A silly game at times you play So smile damn it, your face won't crack It's made to show happy and stuff Life could definitely be a whole lot worse If they find you outside in the buff © Jack Ellison 2014

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Clumps Of Dead Grass

Eating a bowl of Post Shredded Wheat Is like eating big clumps of dead grass Now I know why horsies simply can't wait For the time between meals to pass We feed 'em this stuff to reward these guys Has anyone asked them their thoughts? Might be surprised at the answer you'd get “We'd rather be eating smelly socks” Someone once said many decades ago It will give your kiddies strong bones So we feed 'em these horrible clumps of dead grass It's why they can't wait to leave home Don't be fooled by this marketing ploy It's the cheapest damn stuff they can find It grows in the field almost everywhere you look They must think we don't have a mind Post Shredded Wheat, what horrible stuff It's not fit for human consumption Please sign my petition to ban it forever Absolutely no value, my assumption! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Enough Of This Frigid Weather

Enough of this frigid weather already It's March for crying out loud Time for the temps to start moderating methinks It's not civil and shouldn't be allowed When the hell is spring supposed to arrive It's just around which corner, I ask It's long overdue, it's stressing us guys out Want to lie on a deck chair and bask Us Canadian fellows are a hardy bunch We sometimes don't wear a hat When temperature dip to minus forty-five We go out for a stroll, how bout that Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a wee bit Minus twenty is a more like it, ahem Still frigid enough to freeze the balls off a statue Of Laurier, our seventh PM We WILL survive, us guys always do We're made of some pretty tough stuff But give me a break, this is way too damn cold Enough, is enough, is enough! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Hope I Don't Go Blind

Now why didn't I do this years ago Lost a bunch and feel a hundred times better Obsessed with eating? A resounding yes Never followed any plan to the letter Then one day fifteen months ago The skies cleared and I saw a bright light It signalled if you don't smarten up Your soul will be taking the next flight I'm sure not ready to cash in my chips Literally scared the poop outta me So I bit the bullet and stuck to a system Can now say it's easier to breathe Bottom line is, the more you put in Stands to reason the body stores the excess It was blimp time at this old guy's house Now I'd even look good in a dress Now don't go reading stuff into that line Just a phrase so try to settle down With these bulging muscles and great physique Sure wouldn't look good in a gown “Now this silliness has really got to stop Can't you be serious sometimes?” That's asking a lot from this old jester dude I'll try hard... I hope I don't go blind! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Global Colding

Thought today was going to be pretty good But it's cold and snow again What a nasty winter we're having this year As bad as I can't remember when It takes all my strength and intestinal fortitude Not to crack under these conditions I'm not at all pleased but I say to myself Not long before spring's transition This year seems to be particularly difficult Used to say, “hey, I'm a Canadian!” I'm a hardy old soul, been through this before But this year hurts my cranium Is this what we now call “Global Colding” “Global Warming” was yesterday's news Better start building those igloos real soon You'll need mukluks instead of shoes The prognosticator's predictions were off the mark Though they'll probably have an excuse Like the “thingamabob” on their “dohickey” thingy Gave a wrong prognosis they deduce © Jack Ellison 2014

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Love Those Little Buggars

Could easily eat eggs three times a day Love those little buggers so much Thanks to the hens for being so gracious Providing us with omelettes and such Heard some people even eat 'em raw Now that's not for me I'm afraid Said I loved 'em but I must draw the line Not for me even if I was paid If hens could talk I'm sure they'd be saying “What are you people doing Eating 'em raw was never in the contract” They'd be clucking like hell and fuming My relationship with almost all of the hens Is mutually one of good trust I go by the rules, over-easy or omelettes Respecting their feelings is a must May think I'm strange talking to chickens Have other strange quirks as well But they'll have to wait for another day My brain must rest for a spell © Jack Ellison 2013

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For the Sake of Birds

Why are only birds blessed with wings,
Those itchy, twitchy, mindless things,
While humans are stuck on the ground
And in machines to fly around?

Perhaps there is a reason for
Our legs (NOT wings) being so sore...
Perhaps there is a reason why
We can not freely roam the sky...

Maybe it's 'cause we drink so much!
Drunken drivers are bad enough.
We'd fly in constant fear and fright
Of drunkards hitting us mid-flight!

With this, I worry of the most
An inconvenience vile and gross.
Imagine if we lived if fright
Of vomit rain on weekend nights!

Maybe it is our flatulence.
So near the ozone, there's a chance
The fast food gases we secrete
Cause global warming to increase!

Maybe it's 'cause we fear great heights,
Or 'cause we'd tangle strings of kites!
Maybe wings would be cumbersome
And block the usage of our arms!


Maybe it's for the sake of birds...
Mankind with wings does seem absurd. 
For even birds need their own space,
And everything must have its place. 

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The Women's Bathhouse

A shriek rings out

the women's bathhouse invaded

A  flustered man is past the door, intruded

Naked women milling  about 

All without a clout

The girls  hide with hands their pudenda

Especially those built like Brunhilda

But fair Rosamund, no bother

just  her face does cover

Next day he might know them as they were

 but never never the naked her!

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Not All Mainstream

Just because my eyes are uneven And my teeth are tinged with green Doesn't mean I'm unattractive Means my looks are not mainstream I sometimes babble incoherently But my words still have importance Everyone has an opinion to express Some of us have more discordance So what if my hair grows out in tuffs And my nose is crooked and bent It's what's upstairs that really counts It's the brains that pay the rent So when you see a strange looking person Who's considered a little extreme Remember we're all in this together But we're not all a part of mainstream © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Four Way Stop

Always great fun at an intersection With only a four way stop You start, he starts, it's him no it's me Nose to nose, where's a cop You glare, he glares, nothing's solved It boils down to a battle of wits Like kids arguing over a colourful pull toy “That's mine! No, it's mine!” and you sit Even the ear shattering sound of horns Has no effects on this yahoo! All hell breaks loose, 8 guys get out And a bloody fist fight ensues! Standing back I watch the proceedings Grown men acting like jerks Get back in my car, I drive around it all It's not worth being late for work Four way stops are becoming quite rare In this fast paced world we live in The days of civility have all been replaced When nobody's willing to give in © Jack Ellison 2013

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S'more Why's

Could you tell me why most hippopotami Weigh about the same as a truck In the animal kingdom diets aren't common So they're really poop out of luck A donkey with wings or an ass that sings Quite an image I have in my mind Some like listening to a cockatoo warble But I think that's quite asinine Now why do most newborns poop at will They emerge without any manners Farting in front of friends and neighbours Makes you stutter and stammer When misplacing an important document You find it in the last place you look Why not look there in the first place I wonder You'll be stunned at the short time it took Admit I ain't perfect but who the hell is Sometimes I dribble in my beard Imagine it sounds quite disgusting to you guys A snack for when bedtime is near Why do we cringe at the sound of one's nails Screeching across a blackboard Sends chills up and down our li'l ole spine Can feel 'em right now, oh Lord! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Totally Insane

Have you ever personally wondered If you're playing with a totally full deck? It may be that you just think you're normal And you really don't even suspect You're certain it's got to be everyone else That's just a little bit off centre It can't be you, you're totally sane In your mind that thought never entered Well, here's a news flash, me buckeroo! A wake up call I'm sending to you Those images swirling around in your brain They're not real, there's something askew! Believe me, I used to be totally insane Then got zapped between the eyes By a bolt of lightning that cleared my sinuses As well as all the sewers nearby! You may not be operating on all eight cylinders See a shrink before it's too late He surely can prescribe some strong medication So you won't go around half baked! Have you ever personally wondered If you're playing with a totally full deck? Here's a wake up call, me buckeroo Seems your train might have been in a wreck! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Life in The Country

A bit of life I cut and paste
The country life I share
So you can have a little taste
Of what it's like out their

We've bats that hit those not on guard
With song birds that alight
The bulls they charge without a card
Oh dear, that's just not right

A buck that rams all it can see
Now it sees very much 
A ram that bucks the likes of me
Now that has him in dutch

The geese will pinch you with their bills
At least they do not charge
The barn cats eat our food til filled
But love from me they sparge

The rabbits keep on making more
Each will have eight I say
That's one reason cats are here
So rabbits run away

The farm that's in the dell some shun
But it to me is home
So take a trip and have some fun
You'll find there's space to roam.

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Mr Reginald Stinky

There's a little old elf in our bathroom His name is Mr. Reginald Stinky He's a very sweet accommodating soul When you need T.P. for your winky He stands there patiently holding his nose Sometimes the smell gets atrocious Especially when the little kiddies need to go They get messy and quite malodorous It's a service Mr. Reginald Stinky provides For the betterment of the environment 'Cause the T.P. he issues is chemical free It's the latest government requirement So three cheers for Mr. Reginald Stinky A hero we should salute and admire For providing T.P. and enriching the world As you leave the bathroom inspired © Jack Ellison 2013 Mr. Stinky is a ceramic elf patiently doling out toilet paper for us in our hour of need!

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The Cardboard Box

I built a cardboard house
that came with four large flaps.
And when they're folded over
the roof it over-lapse.

I have to crouch inside it.
It's not made very tall.
But when I go to stand up
the roof gives way and all.

It hasn't got a window.
It's dark without a light
and nothing to be feared
when nothing is in sight.

I can't lay down inside it.
It's much too small to sleep
and if I start to nod off,
I'll hit the wall and weep.

I live alone inside it.
There isn't room for more.
And if someone came over
they'd see there is no door.

I haven't got a mailbox
and live with no address.
And if you want to find me
you'll simply have to guess.

I move around quite often.
It's not my place to brag.
But you won't say I'm rich
when I grab my house and drag.

I'm happy once inside it
and live from day to day.
And if you should come over,
I'll flip it and we'll play.

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When I Die

When I die, burry me in a hat
The most outrageous you can find
For my viewers amusement, and
to leave some laughter there behind…

A hat that swirls, silly feathers too
And if you could, in the color pink
Paint my eyes to match you see
Then retire all to have a bit of drink…

I think that they will still remember
How much fun my living always was
Imagine her leaving in a hat like that
Yes, she would do it, do it  just because…..

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Jockey's On Back To Front

Here's a laugher, pay attention It'll make your life a lot brighter Put my Jockeys on back to front Put some tap water in my lighter Gave the cat a bunch of dog food What a silly billy old me Fed the dog some kitty food Meowed and climbed up a tree Poured red wine on my cereal Put sour cream on my toast Hey that was really kinda yummy Mustard on ice cream's the most A little bit weird, a little strange In my world there's nuttin' off limits Try anything once, maybe even twice Even M&Ms fried in my skillet I'm grossing me out, I gotta stop Just sprinkled my donut with vinegar Have I gone nuts, maybe it's love But that's just me, go figure! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Silly Old Duffer

Silly old duffer, this Canadian dude His name is Jester Jack Ellison Those guys in white coats try real hard To keep him sedated and bedridden Don't dare let him out in the public arena For fear he might cause some alarm To ordinary people walking the streets Making farting sounds under his arm That's not as bad as pulling their hair Or sticking his finger up their nose Maybe annoying but harmless I guess It's really not too bad I suppose But when he sneaks up behind you And yanks off your brand new hair piece That's when we finally draw the line Call the fuzz to get him to cease Silly old duffer, he means no harm Just wants some love and attention At 78, some think he's over-the-hill But he's been given a very long extension © Jack Ellison 2013

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Not Yer Fancy Highfalutin Writer

I write about everyday happenings That's my style and I'm sticking with it I'm not yer fancy, highfalutin writer Down to earth stuff is what I emit I sometimes get naughty, God forbid Try to keep it down to a minimum A fine old gentleman from way up north An honourable upstanding citizen Have you had enough, are you getting ill So sorry, but I really must emote I'm a Leo you know so don't blame me Not responsible if I sometimes gloat A handsome devil, I'll give you that Learned to live with girlie's attention Quite like it, makes me feel kinda frisky And relieves my sexual tension So that's me, I'm just an ordinary fellow Not yer fancy, highfalutin writer Stick to the basics, just ordinary stuff Known as a lover, not as a fighter © Jack Ellison 2014

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An Aphrodisiac In My Cereal

Poems are just rolling out these days Maybe something's been added to my cereal Or maybe the water in my morning coffee It's definitely something unreal Love you say, could that be the reason? This feeling seems quite reminiscent It's been quite awhile but we never do forget This feeling of love so MAGNIFICENT Whatever the reason, whatever the cause Really hope it lingers for a while Like no other feeling, this passion divine Been wearing a perpetual smile Am I dreaming, gonna pinch myself hard Really seems too good to be true But I won't rock the boat, gonna let it all flow It's Heaven, between me and you Am I gushing too much, tell me WHOAA BACK Would try but there's no guarantee Maybe an aphrodisiac's been added to my cereal Something strange is happening to me © Jack Ellison 2013

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Mirrors and Scales

Mirrors and Scales

Approached with trepidation
they assault our self esteem,
when we waddle up for judgment
and they destroy our dream.

Cold unflinching arbiters
reflecting just the truth,
of what was long suspected;
aging has borne its fruit.

Saggy baggy bodies
so long past being young,
when skin and muscles fit us
where now they are just hung.

Who is that I’m looking at
and who else is on the scale?
Gone from buff and suntanned
to overweight and pale.

I can’t believe what’s happened
has it been so long ago?
My pride of youthful vigor
is now dangling down below.

My wicked scale and mirror
have turned on me so fast,
showing the shocking present
where I was looking for the past.

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Sucker For Love Songs

Before I admit I'm a sucker for love songs Be assured I'm a masculine man My sensitive side's a big hit with ladies Which I nurture as much as I can By the way ladies talk, our numbers are few Probably why I'm so appealing Believe me at times sure wish it weren't true And had more control of my feelings I weep at sad movies and stuff on TV I'm embarrassed to say that it's so To hide it I try but the tears in my eyes Are a sure sign I don't have control Okay I've accepted this man that I am It's probably much better like this To be thought of as a cruel and unfeeling guy Would certainly not be my wish Before I admit I'm a sucker for love songs Be assured I'm a masculine man My sensitive side has turned out to be a blessing It defines the man that I am © Jack Ellison 2013 My tongue is firmly planted in my cheek!

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Clown Pants

Been feeling a bit extra strange today Can't imagine what's the reason My tightie whities must be a little too tight Think lately, I'm overeating 3X most likely is my new size now Please keep this our little secret Sadly my diet plan has been a bit of a failure Was trying hard to be my sleekest I do possess other redeeming factors I can stand on my head and spit nickels Not impressed? Then how about this I can whistle through my nipples It all comes back to my tightie whities The sooner I change 'em the better Think I'll started wearing airy clown pants With polka dots, numbers and letters Say hello when the circus comes to town You won't miss me, that is for sure Especially with the big red nose I'll be wearing Looking oh so extremely mature! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Musical Emissions

Silly thoughts are filling my head It's happening more often of late Do you think I'm starting to lose it Do all seniors suffer this fate Nobody told me when I was young That our mental capacities decline To where we can't remember our name Or can't do two things at a time A sad ending to a productive life Brimming with many successes Not really how I thought it would end Farting and making big messes Guess we just need to laugh at it all It's a part of the human condition We really don't have much of a choice So take pride in your musical emissions Silly thoughts are filling my head It's happening more often of late Is this how my life is going to wind up Do all seniors suffer this fate © Jack Ellison 2013

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Big Boobies Rule

Did someone just mention nudie beaches Where inhibitions are thrown to the wind Divesting oneself of the rules of society Exposing all our lily white skin Where voluptuousness causes virile males To babble incoherently and drool This is not to disparage the lesser endowed But it's always been BIG BOOBIES RULE Don't have to be large and well shaped orbs Small and perky can still turn heads A female's appeal has a very wide range Must be upright and preferably not dead As long as her body has all the main parts In a relatively organized manner It's immaterial to most virile young males When viewing with his built-in scanner © Jack Ellison 2014 A re-broadcast!

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Super Size

Super size your life Live extra large At love's drive-up window Kisses no charge Giggles on the side With life's hot sauce Squeezies to go And hugsies no cost Big joyful shakes How much do I owe Two spoons of love And smiles to go Fried morsels of bliss Is this month's toy You're next in line For double size joy Fast food for the soul Is a happy refrain So O.D. on the good times And come back again! © Jack Ellison 2014

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When someone says, “You look FLABulous”! Is it just a slip of the tongue Or are they secretly trying to let you know You're not trim like when you were young! Words can be cruel and hurtful at times Specially if they're close to the truth Sometimes they can hurt you really badly You get into the gin and vermouth! There's a worldwide scourge, it's called obesity It's more serious than it's ever been On average about sixty percent of us guys Can be considered anything but lean! It's a scourge that afflicting all of mankind In this world of instant things Microwave meals at everyone's fingertips You're eating at the sound of the ding! So when someone says, “You look FLABulous”! It's a warning your life is in danger Get on that bike or run a few miles Take this advice from this FLABulous stranger! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Barts and Furps

Barts and furps are awkward things
They come out of the blue,
And people stop and stare to see
If it was me or you.

When sudden, loud and foul smelling
Eruptions fill the air,
We look surprised at everyone-
Which culprit chose to share?

When babies make them, we all laugh
It’s really such a gas!
But as we grow up those weird sounds
Might be considered crass.

Your nasty furps reveal to us
What you ate late, last night,
So be real picky today, or
Your friends may soon take flight.

With sneaky, silent, deadly barts
There is a price to pay;
Their magnitude can make you cry
Or cough and run away.

And don’t you ever dare to be
Close to an open flame
Or you’ll be playing with fire in
A dangerous ball game!

So drink a potion, take some pills
When next you feel the urge,
And force those loose barts and loud furps
From trying to resurge!

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Archie The Ape

Archie the Ape Was much maligned This nice young fellow Had a pink behind The glare was amazing So brightly it shined Caused gawkers to stare And go totally blind © Jack Ellison 2014

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Oh Those Ticklish Spots

Everyone's got those ticklish spots They seem to be everywhere Some can stand it for little while Till it's more than they can bear They giggle, chuckle and flail about And wind up on the floor Yelling out “oh please, please, stop!” What they really want is more Sure don't want you to lose control And piddle a bit in your knickers That'd be really quite embarrassing I can sure hear all the snickers Everyone has these ticklish spots They're under your arms and feet Once in a while just let it all out Just make sure you don't overheat © Jack Ellison 2014

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Controlling One's Groans

Soon as I'm notified Soup Mail has arrived My pulse rate increases ten fold The anticipation is more than this guy can bear No matter how macho, how old Something about wondering who it might be An anonymous admiring lady Or maybe it's just Drake sending me kudos Maybe someone a bit more shady A secret admirer with her love overflowing Waiting to grant all my wishes Dream on wee fellow, it's your conscience talking Act normal, here comes the missus Hello, little darling, is there anything new Was just figuring out our taxes It's just about that time of the year, sweet lady D'ya think tax ladies have nice asses? Blew it again, me and my big mouth She won't ever let me out alone It's a life in solitary confinement from now on I should learn to control my groans <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2104

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Next Monday I get my peepers checked Certainly couldn't be better timing Bumping into walls, wearing Cathie's sciveys For my 20-20 vision I'm pining Fed our bird Tweety a big bowl of dog food Fed our dog Rover some bird seed Rover tried to fly off the top of his doghouse While Tweety lifted her leg to pee Hope I don't do myself bodily harm While hoisting my bum on the sink Think they're making toilets higher these days A peeper check's overdue, methinks By mistake I donned a gown of Cathie's Felt silky and sexy and girlie But Cathie caught me posing in front of the mirror Thought I was starting to act kinda squirrely A real dilemma most unusual to encounter During my very short stay here on earth What it all boils down to is very bad eyesight But it causes much laughter and mirth © Jack Ellison 2013

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American Friends Service Committee

This was written a while ago as a member of a another poetry site. It was about a South African lady who I loved and admired greatly! I miss her wit, her charm and most of all her great creative talent! She challenged me to write a poem describing her official job title which turned out to be no mean task... She's our leading lady, you know who I mean All she does is write great poetry She's a marvellous gal with a heart of gold Now here's a bit about her psychometry She asked me to describe her job in rhyme This marvellous and talented lady She's the Assistant Program Director of the South African Program of the Peace Education Division of the American Friends Service Committee Some say it's a cover for something shady Can't write much more, I'm all out of breath I should store as much as I can One never knows when I'll need that reserve For a reprieve, well at least that's my plan She didn't think I was up to the task But her occupation is included herewith Don't ask me how I managed to accomplish it Sheer genius I suppose, it's a gift! LOL © Jack Ellison 2012

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Bad For You Stuff

Words are flowing more easily of late Why do they flow better at times Probably because of the mood I'm in Especially after I dine Might be because I'm feeding my soul Most likely that's doing the trick Downing mounds of bad-for-you stuff Until I'm feeling quite sick Writing some humorous poetry lately Lying here stuffed to the gills Think I'll submit a few for publishing Then give away $100 bills Must have drifted off to dreamland Sure seems too good to be true Could it be real and not just a dream Better take your place in the queue © Jack Ellison 2013

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Millionaires At Wallymart

Here's some real astonishing news Even millionaires shop at Wallymart Doesn't matter how rich people are A bargain's still close to their heart Haven't seen any limousines yet At our local Wallymart store But surveys say it's definitely true They also like paying less for more You know a lot of millionaire people That resemble you and me Hard to recognize when in the store But drive off in a Jaguar XKE Imagined the men wearing tux & tails With the ladies in their sequined gowns Guess they no longer dress like that When us normal people are around My mind's back in the roarin' twenties But this is the year twenty-thirteen Maybe my dear uncle will pass away Leaving me some shares in AT&T © Jack Ellison 2013

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Eating Bonbons And Ogling Ladies All Day

Think I'm just gonna bum around today If you don't mind that old expression Literally, I'm gonna goof off and waste time Feeling lazy in a state of vegetation These days are happening a lot more often Became a senior, then suddenly plonk Maybe it's because of my afternoon naps I watch the tube and then zonk Need to get active like the good old days A whipper snapper all full of beans The world was my oyster, yuck I hated oysters Wearing skin tight faded blue jeans Love bumming around, it's good for the soul It also puts hair on your chest Now ladies, I really love nice smooth boobies So ya better stay active I suggest Phew! Got quite hot and bothered for a bit At my age, better cool it I'd say Gonna goof off, waste time, vegetate for a bit Eating bonbons, ogling ladies all day! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Fine Bottom Line

How's your bottom line working out? Have you checked it's progress today? Is it dipping and diving like the markets Is it drooping to your utter dismay? Some are quite big, some are small Each one has a place in society They all possess that irresistible charm So there's no need for any anxiety! Now take me for instance, I like 'em all But someone should restrict the sound At times it can be very destructive Rumbling and shaking the ground! There's not a more alluring sight Than a bottom with a great swing and sway It's actually quite entertaining to watch But be careful to stay out of it's way! How's your bottom line working out? Are you happy with what trails behind If you are, then you should feel quite fortunate To be blessed with a fine bottom line! © Jack Ellison 2014

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What About My Toupee

As you know we're getting ready to move Just a couple more days to go Cathie insists on being prepared No underwear for a month or so Asked my dear wife where they're hiding Said they're packed of course Wondering why friends no longer come over Could even be a reason for divorce Afraid to leave my false choppers around She'd certainly pack them for sure And what about my most favourite toupee Now that's more than I could endure “Are you ready for Freddie?” Cathie asks She takes that old saying to heart She'll be up and about at the crack of dawn Long before the Movers will start But we get along as long as I remain calm Never rock the marital dinghy Without doubt I'll be walking the streets No pants to cover my thingy (Obviously wrote this before moving... have since found my choppers but my toupee is still AWOL!) © Jack Ellison 2013

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Mister Klutz

Time for some giggles Now what shall I write? About klutzy old Jack? Should be a delight! Been quite renowned For his blunders at times Here are a few Of his more classical kind! Riding his bike Passing a parked car Door opens... a collision... He falls on his arse! Floating on icebergs And under some bridges Berg disappears... Water quite frigid! Trying to impress This acquaintance of old Talked for a while And walked into a pole! Oblivious, don't notice While strolling with friends A crotch high stake... Doubled over I bend! They weren't always funny Well not at the time Luckily, the injuries Weren't the serious kind! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Does Your Back End Waddle

Does your back end waddle like a duck? Does your rear sway from side to side? Is there a huge rumbling when sitting down With large ripples in your hide? Perhaps it's that second piece of apple pie Or that box of chocolates you consumed I've seen you down an extra large pizza Without taking a breath until June! There is a cure for this age old problem It's called pushing away from the table But it sure takes a lot of intestinal fortitude For some of us we're just not able! Do you ever get totally discouraged And think you're losing your mind You're definitely in the majority today The country's sliding in the brine! There's still hope for all us tubby people But we really must try to persevere Forego that second large piece of apple pie And a trimmer you will appear! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Ain't Love Grand

“Ain't love grand” is an old expression Still applies after all these years Age has no bearing, it's a life long affliction Not gonna change, have no fear It's the engine that drives us, it helps us through The good times and the bad It's miles ahead of whatever comes second The sweetest experience you could have “Ain't love grand” you bet your sweet bippy Without it, we're lost in a sea A boring and mundane, existence we'd lead Love sets our dear hearts free So keep your eye out for that special lover They're also looking for you Don't give up hope, eventually you'll meet And a lifelong affair will ensue © Jack Ellison 2014

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Leo The Lion

I'm Leo the Lion, I am, I am From the mystical world of the Astrology I'm generous, strong and warmhearted That's if you believe in symbology Not making this up, check it out Masculine, positive and extroverted If I listen too carefully, my head will swell Which should definitely be averted My wife suggested widening the doorways Or I might severely injure my brain Methinks my honey's being a bit facetious But I love her a bunch just the same I'm Leo the Lion, I am, I am Just a fun loving guy who enjoys life They also say I'm very broad-minded Love broads but don't tell my wife! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Dontcha Just Love Em

Think today's gonna be a good one Not really feeling all that bad Except for a pain in my right leg And my back aches just a tad Oh forgot to mention my sinuses They've been acting up of late My eyesight isn't what it used to be And lately my hearing's not great I try to ignore the pains in my knees All my joints are starting to squeak Recently lost feeling in my fingers Been constipated for about a week I've developed a boil on my buttocks That bothers me a lot when I sit Have a little problem with my teeth They're false but they're not a great fit Aside from that, I'm feeling quite fine Of course I have this mental problem Must keep taking my meds each day The Golden Years, dontcha just love 'em! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Movie's Been Cut

Enough of the naughties Going to clean up my act Then I hear someone yell No! No! From the back Keep sending us smut We love all that stuff Bout big busted girlies We can't get enough I'm surely no different Than most of you guys In a perpetual stupor Tail light in our eyes We're only doing What we're programmed to do For the good of mankind For me and for you So I might reconsider And continue with smut A life without it Like the movie's been cut <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2014

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Sexy Or Old And Crotchety

Been called sexy, been called old and crotchety Maybe I'm somewhere in between I'm probably closer to the sex symbol type With this body, you know what I mean Young ladies are always clamouring around For a piece of this gorgeous physique Sorry to have to tell them, to take a number For a chance at the thrill they seek I'm usually an extremely low key kind of guy But since building this stunning body Females flock around, it can get quite annoying Sorry, really don't mean to get snotty I'm hankering for just a little peace and quiet To recharge my batteries so to speak Eventually all-nighters are gonna catch up Leaving me real pooped out and weak Think I might return to my overweight self Less hassles with the opposite sex Didn't realize all the women it would attract Not something I'd really expect Just funnin' © Jack Ellison 2104

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Bums And Bumps

Sitting in my car waiting for Cathie My eyes darting to and fro Shorter than short shorts wherever I look My poor heart is beating so Is this gonna continue year after year Where will this madness end Not soon I hope, this is heaven on earth Lovin' it my very good friends Do they know what havoc they is a-causing Have run off the road more than once When the real short shorts are in concert with Two lovely wee bumps up front Seems like an obsession of a sexual nature It's just a normal male reaction Promise I'm harmless, well most of the time Till exposed to this innocent distraction I can honestly say I've still got an eye For girlies with those sweet wee bums Just admire the beauty, not a dirty old man Oh the female form, yum, yum! Sitting in my car waiting for Cathie My eyes darting to and fro... © Jack Ellison 2013

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Toothless Ruth Revisited

Forgive me, just some silly nonsense... You can have your Chatty Cathy Or Annie with the big Fanny But you can't have Tom Terrific You don't get it? That's uncanny! They gotta rhyme like Sarah Tiara Or Tammy who loves Salami There's the famous Roger Dodger And little old Hammie Sammy There's more, there's Skinny Minnie Or sweet li'l ole Flirty Gerty There's Amy who smells quite Gamey And how about Gurgling Bertie Have you heard of Picky Vicky Or tasty sweet Hannah Banana There's Mona Lisa Teresa And cute little Andy Panda Jerry at times can be Scary How about little Betsy Wetsy Buck who drives a great big Truck And Bessie who's extremely Messy So I've come to the end of my verses Oops! Forgot about Bob the Snob Bruce is saying my Goose is cooked And I'm trying hard not to sob! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Fogging Up The Windows

Assuming we're both heading to Heaven When our days here on earth are done Please save me a seat beside you dear lover To continue with more naughty fun Not suggesting anything out of line Just some normal naughtiness, you know Like the times we had in the back seat of my Chevy What a blast... you sure put on a show Taught me things I only read about in books Young and inexperienced was I You showed me stuff that boggled my mind On your knowhow I had to rely Don't think I've ever thanked you enough Here's how I intend to repay Promise to make love for eternity or longer Believe these words that I say Remembering how we were obsessed with sex You were the absolute bestest by far The downside was, it always seemed like night Kept fogging up the windows of the car © Jack Ellison 2014

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Aside From That

Think today's gonna be a good one Not really feeling all that bad Except pains in my legs and arms And my back aches just a tad Oh forgot to mention my sinuses They've been acting up of late My eyesight isn't what it used to be And lately my hearing's not great I try to ignore the pains in my knees All my joints are starting to squeak Recently lost some feeling in my fingers Been constipated for about a week Developed a large boil on my buttocks That bothers me a lot when I sit Have quite a problem with my dentures They're false but not a great fit Aside from that, I'm feeling quite fine But I suffer from a mental problem I must keep taking my meds every day Sure can't go a day without 'em © Jack Ellison 2013 BTW This is NOT autobiographical! LOL

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Different, Weird, Or Cracked

There's usually a balance tween sad and happy Somehow my brain's out of whack Certainly not saying I'm complaining or such Am I different or weird or cracked? Cracked or broken, ah maybe that's it Can only go by what I have learned Ya gotta be careful, must proceed with caution If not, you'll surely get burned The best thing to do is just take it slow Emotions can mess up your thinking Tread ever so lightly till you're sure it's right Then full steam ahead without blinking Someone out there is just waiting for you When you find them you'll know right away The trumpets will blow, the bells will ring Every day will be a red letter day I'm no expert but after seventy-nine years I've come to an astounding revelation From the moment we're born till the day we die Every day's an exciting celebration! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Carol's Grandpa Troll

Imagine if we could be transported back Just pushing on our old bellybutton We'd have to be careful when taking a bath We'd be a kid again all of a sudden Happily, we'd be done a whole lot sooner Not nearly as much body to wash If my auntie barges in and playfully giggles I'd cover up my naughty bits, by gosh Probably be other embarrassing moments Like seeing my dear sister naked Of course she wouldn't have any lady bumps yet She'd be so upset to be invaded Sometimes this funny brain that I own Entertains me for hours on end Goes off to this make believe world of mine And play with my imaginary friends D'ya think I should see one of those doctors That treat us very special souls Whose reality is playing with Lego and stuff And believe in Carol's Grandpa Troll © Jack Ellison 2014

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They don’t sweat on an assembly line
In a  computer guided team	
Churning out masses of honey so fine,
Canning and freezing its sticky stream.

No,  they make  fresh honey daily at home
And they don’t use fridges,
Living in hives and working in a comb;
They’re not useless insects like midges
Who only want to bite my arm
And cloud around my head
Bringing stinging harm
And making my bald patch red.

Bees are model citizens working
For the communal good  -
Not  hovering around shirking,
Waiting for handouts of food.

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The Male Ballet Dancer

The male ballet dancer’s buxom rear
is every flat-chested woman's despair:
Two buns parted by a crevasse-like crack
to emphasize what they'd like but lack.

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Brain Dust

Some people are really bothered by dandruff Special treatments are surely a must But after some tests by a team of beauticians They determined mine is brain dust! Too much intelligence can be quite disconcerting Being constantly right all the time You just can't imagine the stress that it causes Enlightening the lesser kind! I've always possessed this superior type brain But there are times it just overflows Those white flecks you see dotting my shoulders It's not dandruff... just so you know! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Babies In 2050

How long before I can drive a car? You always say I'm much too young So what if I can't actually feed myself And you still have to change my bum Times are a-changing dear sweet mother The new age of majority is two Us guys have brains like soccer balls And the balls to try something new I know my size might be a problem But with all the new gadgets that exist As long as my young brain is functional I can still do most things on the list Like keeping track of my finances Making sure I've got enough to retire As I reach the age of two hundred and ten With enough till the day I expire I know it's difficult for you to grasp And I realize to you this is new But so many advances have taken place Us wee folks can live longer than you So next time you look at us grandkids And feel sorry we missed what you had Each new generation has it's own advances A product of our time, good or bad © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Hollow

I have a story to tell
About an empty word
Least some would surely say
Until this story's heard

Hollow's the word I speak of
Something empty in a shell
Just rap a hollow log
Or sit on one a spell

Hollow is an empty word
At least that's how it seems
Until  you understand 
Just what all it brings

Living in a hollow
Or you may say a valley
Understanding what it's like
When hearing someone jolly

There are so many things
Though little brings a thrill
Like hearing lovely echoes
Coming from the other hill

Now silence comes at night
But birds will wake you in the day
Though nothing causes fright
As long as no one goes astray

Now should you want some fun
That will rock them there hills
Just dynamite the hollow
But watch out for the bills

See living in the hollow
Can be so very full
It can be lots of fun
Maybe even a little cruel

One thing that it isn't
Nor can it ever be
Is void of Gods beauty
Come take a look and see

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Balmy Or Frigid

It's moderating, yee haw it's warming a bit Finally it's getting above zero Just a while ago thought 5 was freezing Now it's balmy from a few days ago In comparison temps can feel warm or cold Depending on what we're accustomed to Fifty can feel downright damn balmy or frigid Really not much us guys can do Go with the flow, that's what I always say At fifty in the fall wear a coat At fifty in spring strip down to your underpants Coz fifty's balmy, no joke So there you have it, that's my take on things Humans are hard to comprehend Hard to try to figure us modern guys out It'll drive you around the bend <3 <3 <3 © Jack Ellison 2014

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Hoity Toit Hill

Because of my farting I'm stuck in one room In my mansion on Hoity-Toit Hill The force of the gas Expelled from my ass Propels me along, “What a thrill!” As my butt cheeks expand I aim straight ahead With a helmut secured to my bean-o I land with a thud Don't worry, no blood Silliest scene you've ever seen-o I picks meself up Wipes the sweat from my brow In the white porcelain bowl I deposit But after I'm done Unloading a ton I've got no more farts in the closet So I sit for a while For an hour or so Till I build up my internal gases After a few sonic booms I return to my room But I sadly broke the lens in my glasses © Jack Ellison 2014

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Ever Seen A Grizzly Bare

Have you ever seen a grizzly... bare? And told him to put on some clothes I did that once, but it must have upset him Because he reared back on his toes Well this guy's no freaking big hero So I started to take off like a shot But before I could, he grabs me and says “I'm your friend... like it or not!” Mr. Grizzly must surely have noticed Sweat pouring down from my brow He started to laugh like big bears do Scared the poop out of me... holy cow! As he held me, I calmed down a little He seemed like a right friendly chap But those teeth of his were really sharp He was drooling from his cavernous yap But he really seemed like a kindly old soul Neither nasty, nor scary, nor mean I asked if he'd like to come home for honey But insisted he put on some jeans The reason is because of my kiddies Not nice to go showing your parts It's just a matter of common decency Wanted to get that straight from the start So off we go, Mr. Grizzly and me I'm feeling warm and fuzzy all over Another new friend to share some laughs Along with my old dog Rover © Jack Ellison 2014

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Yours Truly In A Tutu

Ever seen yours truly in a tutu? It is not an inspiring sight My thundering, blundering torso Can give most ladies a fright! Methinks I'm just so appealing Can't see why the ladies recoil Surely I'm God's gift to women But can cause ladies undies to soil I've got a genuine happy heart Too bad I look like a blimp It's hard to stop from staring at me Body hair resembles a chimp! People refuse to tell me why The girls all giggle and choke When I prance around in my tutu I'm a downright charming bloke! Ever seen yours truly in a tutu? An unforgettable sight if you had My huge abundance of body mass Jiggling up and down like mad! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Zowie Yikes And Holy Gadzooks

Zowie, yikes And holy gadzooks! It's that really silly Poetry kook Coming at you With giggles galore Funnies, chuckles And so much more A formula for sailing Right through the day Laugh at your troubles It's better that way No sense complaining It makes you feel sad Just think of it folks Things aren't that bad It could be worse You could live in a shoe Have dozens of kids And animals too No place to sit While watching TV Need to draw numbers For a seat if you please I'm a bit off the mark 'Cause it's all about fun Choose every day To follow the sun Really no matter If clouds fill the sky You can still go 'round With a gleam in your eye Zowie, yikes And holy gadzooks! Hope I've helped Getting rid of your spooks If just for an instant Or just for a while It's mission accomplished If I've made you guys smile! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Nothing sounds happier Than snickers or giggles The words even cause us to laugh Perhaps we could invent A new one or two Like sniggles or snickles or glaffs It's all for the benefit Of us human kind In this world of turmoil and grief There's hilarious words Like loopsies or cleepers Or how bout a hand full of meef I know what you're thinking The white coats are coming This fellow's gone over the edge The pressures of dealing With everyday living Has caused this fellow to skredge So you see how it works? You'll never be stumped To fill out the end of a rhyme You'll win blue ribbons For your wonderful phrasing And save a scritchy of time © Jack Ellison 2014