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Quatrain Funny Poems | Quatrain Poems About Funny

These Quatrain Funny poems are examples of Quatrain poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Quatrain Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Forbidden Fruit

Forbidden fruit is sweetest, or that’s what they all say
So I thought I’d give it a try and went for some today
I didn’t know just what to choose something firm and hard or what
So I thought I’d take a sample of everything they’d got.

There was some really hard ones, some were ripe and very sweet
But I chose one in the middle and it looked good enough to eat
I caressed it very gently and waited for it to please
I nearly didn’t go through with it, I was really gonna tease.

My taste buds are not set for sweet they prefer something more savoury
But no I stuck to my guns but I want no awards for bravery
I took one that looked just right, its rich colour tempted me to bite
But have you ever bitten a persimmon, that isn’t really ripe?

It sucks the moisture out of your mouth and covers you teeth in wool
Believe me you just try it; I am not giving you any bull.
Now for those that thought the fruit, would be some other man
Maybe that’s on my ‘to do’ list, before I kick the can……….LOL

Shame on you all, for all your naughty thoughts
Especially for those of you, that can’t keep it in their shorts
To all those that do struggle, to keep the forbidden fruit at bay
Just remember the persimmon and you will never rue the day.
© ~GG~ 4/12/2012

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~Dare We~ Side by side in the full moonlight, looking up in wonder Shoulders rubbing, breaths, mingling hands begin to wander Daringly we looked together, would we really dare… No one about we can try, there seem no eyes to stare. Hand in hand we start to hide away from the moonlit sky We really want to do this, but we are feeling rather shy Should we in this moonlight, try to recapture our youth? He takes his shoes and socks off, I am excited now in truth… His pants come down, I kook aghast, “they cost a lot” I heard him say. My shoes and jacket I remove, deciding it's time to play He takes me by the hand; our bodies mingle and turn together We feel so young this moonlit night with outstanding weather. His legs shine white, silhouetted against the moonlit sky Now is the time, there's no one here, I am not letting this pass me by Up and down, slowly, carefully, his body looks so lean I can’t believe we are sneaking a go on our neighbour’s new trampoline...
© 5/08/2012 ~GG~

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Admissions of a Sloth

I like to exercise my mind, but how I hate to work.
Whatever needs exertion is the action that I shirk.
Labor with the brain is fine.  I do it all the time.
How I love to sit and read or think of words that rhyme.

But send me to the bathroom with a brush so that I'll scrub,
and I'll barely rub the ring off.  Then I'll lie there in the tub.
Peek inside; you'll find me, a novel in one hand,
resting as I'm soaking in my own little Bubble Land.

Clean the oven?  What a joke.  The most that I can stand
is loading up the wash machine (a task that's merely bland).
Maybe run the vacuum once a week across the floor,
and quickly dab where dust is bad; most stuff I ignore.

As my jobs all pile up, housework's even more a chore.
Why must work that's physical be such a dreadful bore?
My well-ingrained aversion to utilizing muscle
does have one exception: at the gym I like to hustle.

To kick box is so fun although it makes me sweaty.
Step and dance are choreographed.  For those I'm always ready.
But I wish that just as quickly as from running on a tread
I could burn up calories doing workouts in my head!

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Venus Courts Mars on Valentine's Day

A single red, heart-shaped balloon isn’t enough
So I splurge and buy fourteen adorned by cupid
I tie them to the chair of my beloved “Hot Stuff”
To think mere balloons might please him would be stupid

So I search and search for the grandest tea roses
His favorite warm colors are all blended in each 
His desk they decorate in striking poses
Hope these will do the trick and his passion beseech

But then I remember his strong chocolate craving
Godiva treats I purchase and spare no expense
Set beside roses, surely he’ll be raving
He’ll be home in an hour; I can’t bear the suspense

When the door opens, I am wearing a teddy
The Valentine card he takes with a gloomy look
When he sees his desk, he wails, “Enough already!”
And he doesn’t even try my straps to unhook

How puzzled I feel when he says, “We have to talk”
No, he hadn’t forgotten this lovers’ holiday
Into his small closet he suggests we should walk
He seems so depressed; I’d expected a hooray

Piled high in the closet are all occasion gifts
Gaudy Christmas sweaters and tons of chocolate hearts
He can’t find his clothes and between us grows a rift
To sort through this maze, he would need a detailed chart

“Take all this stuff with you and please just leave my home
In fact, I’ll pay your expenses to relocate
And be sure to take that hideous garden gnome
Make it snappy, will you?  I have a date at eight!”

*For Joyce’s “Emotional Response” contest

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Twas the Night Before Christmas

(warning: adult humor) Twas the night before Christmas when I and my groom finally found a motel but with just one room. My groom was in the bathroom - leaving me alone- so that he could douse himself with some cheap cologne. I - in my red negligee - thought of bump and grind, visions of his sugar plums dancing in my mind. Then a noise I heard outside gave me such a fright! who was out there in the snow on our special night? Opening our small room’s door, I felt like a goof. It was just an icicle falling off the roof. Then I felt a sudden breeze. One unlucky bride! As the door behind me shut, I was locked outside. When upon my motel door I began to pound, it was clear that my dear groom did not hear a sound. Right before my startled eyes, what should then appear? Someone dressed as Santa Claus, filling me with fear! His eyes, though not so cheery, lit up, seeing me as he crossed the street and came stumbling drunkenly. I stood helpless, trembling in scanty siren red when an icicle fell down clunking my poor head. I revived in the ER, thong still on my rump! Underneath my bandage was an enormous lump. Thankfully my groom was there, smelling of Old Spice. But we’d have no chance to give gifts naughty and nice. At our room I later saw Santa Claus was there - that same guy who’d seen me in sexy underwear. Having seen my accident he’d informed my groom right before he then collapsed stone drunk in our room. Santa on our honeymoon with cheeks rosy red, (but not one “Merry Christmas”), stole our wedding bed. For Jerry's "What's up with Santa" Poetry Contest

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Crazy Thoughts No 1

Why do they call it 'tourist season'
If you're not allowed to shoot 'em
Seems like a great opportunity
To end the over crowding problem

If a house fly loses both of its wings
Would we have to call them 'walks'
Is it possible to have a civil war
Of course not that's just silly talk

Any idea what the best thing was
That came before sliced bread
If a turtle somehow loses its shell
Is it homeless, naked, or dead

I find this saying quite unnerving
“Practice” is what doctors do
And braille on drive-through windows
Find that kinda scary don't you

If a parsley farmer ever gets sued
Can they legally garnish his wages
Well that's enough of this silly talk
At times I go through these phases

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Things I Don't Understand

There are things I don't understand
And would really like to know
Such as why they call it rush hour
And you move so freakin' slow

How come you get a learner's permit 
To get a license to drive a car
But they don't give one for a marriage license
Now I think that's going too far

Why do they put deer crossing signs up 
Do you believe there is really any need
In all my years of driving
I've never met a single deer who can read

I was reading a map in the park
And it definitely astonished me so
It had a red X that said you are here
And I was wondering how they know.

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My Sister Is An Alien!

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

Her mind control crying
Gets her anything she wants
I say "That's not fair!"
But she just looks at me and taunts

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

It's just a disguise
I'm on to her
Is she scaly
Or covered in fur

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

She's spying on us
They 're ready to invade
So don't just be frightened
Be very afraid!

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

She knows I'm on to her
She's calling for friends
So run for your life
And hide till it ends

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A Zulu Warrior

Do you sometimes see a Zulu Warrior Staring back from the mirror in the morning! A nasty fierce looking bad tempered dude Obscenities flying out without warning Crabbing bout having to make a living But enjoying all the many accoutrements If it wasn't that, it'd be something else People just love to complain and vent A shower and shave, you're almost human Not one person will ever suspect That a member of the Zulu Warriors tribe Was a coworker of great respect Do you sometimes see a Zulu Warrior Staring back from the mirror in the morning! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Laughter The Best Medicine

Forty years of married life, the couple set out to celebrate
Fine dining beautiful wine, and a waltz with stumbling gait
Turning to her husband she demands for him to remember details
Quickly he answers, “Yes darling, your beautiful dress, my hat and tails.”

He walked beside her hand in hand she notices a tear drop that falls
Thinking he’s sentimental she demands to know what he does recall
Sighing wistfully looking at the stars he tells her, it was before they did wed
Your father had a shotgun, he said if I didn’t turn up I'd wish I was dead.

“Why do you remember that, is there nothing more romantic you can say?”
The virago of a wife demands more memories of the wedding day…
The husband sighs “He said he would send me to jail for forty years at the very least“ 
I just had a thought, if I hadn’t married you, tomorrow would be my day of release……

© 28/11/2012~GG~ 

Entry for Laughter The Best Medicine sponsored by Vie

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Wet but Wiser

A dog! A panic in a pagoda!
Rex sneaked in with a can of cream soda,
he shook it up hard and then pulled the tab.
But Rex was too slow for their choc'late lab.

Cain: a maniac, the brown dog's head swelled,
confused by the fizz but a rat he had smelled.
He was a god's dog, ergo, a ogre -
mighty fine watchdog, well-trained at Kroger.

Schooled in their stockroom with all kinds of nuts
whose tricks won ribbons for all kinds of mutts.
Cain's radar kicked in, went straight for the can
and turned it on Rex who lost his game plan.

On the way out, he offered some Kleenex.
No one's the wiser, except maybe Rex.
Recording the facts, Cain writes in his log,
Was it a rat I saw? or Am I a dog?

6 palindromes:
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Cain, a maniac
god's dog
ergo, a orgre
Was it a rat I saw


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Soup Addict

I just can't believe it
I'm addicted to soup
I can't put the spoon down
I continue to scoop

So many flavours
I can't get enough
It's like there's heroin
They put in this stuff

Sure I can quit
Any time I want
But wait a minute
Look at that font

A few more minutes
Perhaps an hour or two
Good thing I kept reading
I got introduced to you

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We've always been obsessed with hair Ponytails or long and flowing Medusa's hair would turn you to stone If you gazed on it, no joking In the 60s a Broadway hit called “Hair” With its popular anthem “Aquarius” Prompted a new age of sexual revolution Some of the sights were hilarious What's the attraction I don't understand Seems kinda primitive to me Being obsessed with this body adornment It's kinda pagan wouldn't you agree Imagine if we had the same obsession With some other interesting parts How about plump and rhythmic derrieres Call it “Bums” with the hit song “Farts” Sorry I got totally lost in my thoughts Such a silly billy I am So back to poetry about social issues To prove I can be serious, I can © Jack Ellison 2012

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First Snowfall

Snow falls softly late one night In the darkness it does bask I dread the job tomorrow Shoveling will be my task Beauty is in the eyes of the viewer I see nothing but giant flakes of work The trees all have snow on this first shower Dreading the day of a job using torque The pathways are snowed over All with a reflective white I want to get to bed soon For I know tomorrow’s plight I’m mesmerized by the beautiful scene Not a thing is without some wondrous snow Even though I sure do dread the next day I will put on a great, wonderful show This time of year affects me Seems to rub off some great cheer I will find a way to smile Though there’s snow up to my rear
Russell Sivey Form Quatrain-1st, 3rd, 5th stanzas have 7 syllables, 2nd, 4th stanzas have 10 syllables

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There Goes Your Life

There goes your life
Ain't ya gonna get it?
It's gonna pick up speed
Ain't ya gonna stop it?

I don't know where it's going
But it doesn't look so great
I think you better stop it
Before it gets too late

I think you ought to slow it down
Before it gets in a crash
Think of what may lie ahead
And don't do anything else rash

There goes your life
I hope that it can swim
I hope that nothing too bad comes
Because of your sudden, stupid whim

There goes your life
You set it on it's way
Now ain't ya gonna catch it?
Or shall we close our eyes and pray?

April 2010

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Why is it poetry, is a like dirty word and talked of in undertones?
It’s like a naughty postcard, more flesh than there are bones.
Poets tend to deny their art, “I’m not a poet, I’m a rhym-er”
Come on you lot get stuck in don’t be a poetry two-timer.

After a glass of alcohol some may admit-“I like a little verse”
“But no I m not into poetry…” It’s like a speech they did rehearse.
Now poems I’m getting good at, but famous poets I don’t know any
Don’t ask me if I’m a poet, because in wages I don’t earn a penny.

Now rhyme I am not bad at, but at free verse I would stink
As for haiku, senryu, and other forms, I stink I really think…
I listened to some so called poets; decry their art the other day
They denied their art while they listened, to what each other had to say.

Standing there with their poems held high, “I’m not a poet” they all said
Well get down from the microphone and let’s hear a poet instead…
They pass their poems around the table, like some black market currency
Not wanting anyone to see it, but they are at a reading for poetry.

So be loud and proud you poets stand firm for what you believe in
Tell them you are a poet, and just get used to all the teasing
I used to be a shy poet and I write verse with some frivolity
But the definition in my dictionary says “words with a pleasing quality.”

So now I am open to judgement from all of you wonderful poets
You have all commented on my work, but do you really know it?
You all have qualities that scare me, you really seem so clever
So can I finally admit to being a poet, from now on  and forever?	
~GG~ 27/09/2012

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Fang Decay

Dracula needed dentures,
That's the story I've been told
The man was getting up in age,
Nearly seven centuries old!

He refused to see a dentist,
While losing his fatal bite
He soon became a laughing stock,
Not a soul feared him at night!

The Transylvanian Drooler,
His newly appointed name
He lost his reputation,
His bite was rather lame!

Each time he'd suck a neck,
His victims failed to succumb
He had no fangs to penetrate,
For all he could do was "gum!"

No more humiliation!
It was time to buy some teeth;
His remaining shred of dignity,
Sank to the gutters beneath!

A brand new set of choppers,
Created a lovely smile
Soaring back to action,
Has always been his style!

Behold, another damsel,
How could she escape?
He swooped around the corner,
Binding her with his cape!

He took one mighty bite,
With very little effect
When he tried to pull away,
His teeth were stuck in her neck!

His face turned red as a beacon,
What a mockery to the undead
His victim cried with laughter,
Then smacked him across the head!

Dracula quit the business,
Heeding retirement's call
Suckin' down Bloody Marys,
Toothless and gummin' a straw! 

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Poets Despair

I despair at writing poetry
I'm not sure I have the skill
Just can't seem to find the words
Or bend them to my will

It's hard to sum up what I mean
And make it sound succinct
So as a poet should I stop
And quietly go extinct?

Should I lay my pen to rest
And let it gather dust?
But something seems to urge me on
To write is now a must!

So putting pen to paper
I'll scribble just for fun
And maybe one day very soon
A poet I'll become!

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Prelude to a Poke

I do not recall
The bravado with which I spoke
The titillating prose
Seduction’s prelude to a poke
You spoke of love
with a lust that I understand
your heart a bloom
your derriere met my hand
I pulled you closed
my eyes nearly met yours
your bosom winked  
thank God I wore drawers
Do you not see
that my passions are pure
a burning in my loins
for which water has no cure
We gazed upon the heavens
I wrapped her in the moonlight
I looked at the time
my prayers faded into night
We danced till dawn
I had answered her romantic call
I whispered sweet somethings
Before her foot procured my fall

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Beyond Salvage

An old herbal gard’ner turned bard
dedicated and well-versed
now works his pen from his backyard
in plants and poems immersed.

His choice nouns engender meaning
cleverly minted with scents.
Rare verbs gingerly gleaning
from time’s savory essence.

Somewhat focused on composing
but nettled by a drizzle;
unexpected down-hosing
causes his brain to fizzle.

Lo! His inspiration now gone
like the ink upon his page.
Mrs. Bard calls from the lawn
“I just watered the sage.”

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Retired, B%$#@ing Movie Star

Where's the point?
Why go on?
I've got no support,
to face the dawn.
The brought me lust,
the got me friends.
In them I did trust,
numbers to all the men.
They got me on the cover,
of every magazine.
Cindy Crawford, move over,
they were quite a team.
Those were the good times,
they were at their best.
Now at the age of 79,
their just two old sagging breasts!

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The Lovers Moon

How do we meet under a lover’s moon?
What does this moon look like?
Will it give me a lover?
Or will it send me on my bike?

Why be under a lover’s moon
Does it imbibe powers of prowess? 
Of does it hide their shyness 
If in a state of near undress.

A harvest moon a blue moon
A waning and a waxing one
A new moon an old moon
And yet only one precious sun.

People cast their seed
On the first full moon in spring
They say it gives the best crops
And that’s saying something.

There are dances in the moonlight 
For those with nefarious thoughts
Bet they‘d get a fright
When lycanthropics, rampage and cavort 

On the night the moon is full what a shock for all the lovers 
A werewolf jumps on them, just as their delights each uncovers
So blue moon new moon, harvest moon of just full
Which is the lover’s moon so my dreams I can fulfil?

© ~GG~ 21/12/2012

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Emotions in Motion

Pleasure threw a party for her friends to come,
she sent invitations out to each and every one.
There were 10 responses and Pleasure did assume
it would be fun to see them interacting in one room.

Unfortunately the 10 who were about to show
had issues with each other ,things she didn’t know.
Joy had left depression just a month before,
couldn’t tolerate his negativity no more.

Paranoia kept Bewildered so confused,
the more mixed up she got the more he was amused.
Affection tried to help Obsession understand,
how her food  addiction was getting out of hand.

Apathy was drinking wine coolers as a crutch,
all emotions were aware that she indulged too much.
Acceptance and Joy showed up late but seemed content,
they were welcome at every emotional event.

Depression was not over Joy, he saw her and felt blue,
Bewildered  was sure that Paranoia hid her shoe.
Anxiety lost Acceptance and nervously confessed
he brought Assertiveness to help him mingle with the rest.

Affection accused Obsession of eating the buffet,
Paranoia tried to leave, Assertiveness stood in his way,
in the kitchen drinking by herself was Apathy,
Joy and Acceptance both enjoyed the hospitality.

Then Joy helped Bewildered put both of her shoes on,
Paranoia fell for Apathy, they both stayed till dawn.
Acceptance told Anxiety she 'd liked him as a friend,
Affection said “I’m sorry” to Obsession in the end.

Pleasure was quite happy only 10 guests were there,
if there had been more it might have been a wild affair,
each one settled, got along and as you can presume
all emotions set in motion made for a busy room.

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4 in less than forty


Have to be somewhere in 40 mins
Enough time to write at least one
Fortunately I’m not using and pens
Else I would not be close to done

Of course you see the form I write
One familiar yet still complicated
It should be easy I write every night
Why my poems are often post dated

Halfway there only three minutes gone
Can I write eleven of these in my time
Maybe but could I post them all as well
Not sure, but I wouldn’t even bet a dime

The last I didn’t rhyme of first and third
I will admit I normally will rhyme abab
But in my amount of time that’s absurd
I am trying to finish quickly as you see


I already finished one how about another
The next line already in my head of course
Now you are probably saying o brother
This guy is a distinct body member of a horse

Really it’s just practice and having a bit of fun
I am definitely bored at this very early hour
I’m also texting a friend here and think of pun
I’d tell her what I think, but she might be sour

The last of course was purely a joke my friend
No evil thoughts currently in my head Miss PD
I at present, do not have that emotion to lend
Or maybe it was serious the last stanza hehehe

This is so much fun, a great way to pass time
You should try it, if you would possibly dare
I have said time a million times in my rhyme
Take time reading them, go ahead and stare

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Mice For A Very Good Price

I opened the door,
Saw two nice mice,
At Pete's Pet Store;
For a very good price.

I bought them that day,
With money I had saved,
Raking and hauling hay;
For my neighbor, Mr. Dave.

I purchased a bowl,
Just for their food,
And a bottle with a hole;
For drinking water through.

I named one Ice,
He had clear blue eyes,
The other, I named Spice;
He was the smallest in size.

Ice would take small bites,
Of cheese and treats of rice,
Spice made noise at night;
Munching bread - I had sliced.

I'll never forget the day,
Mom said, "Look Price!"
And lying in their hay;
Were two bald baby mice.

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I have entered many poetry contests
to display my amazing number of sixty or more,
only one of my poems has won first place;
poets are like enduring athletes who fight to the very core! 

One big hurray goes to myself for the first win,
congratulations to the other participants
who are on the top of that list, or have been
awarded Honorable Mentions for their efforts!  

When my poem doesn't make it to the finalists's list,
I don't feel discouraged, I brazen out the doubt and try again;
even Lance Armstrong, with his skills, can't always win his race,
and the trophy must be given to someone else!

I rejoice when some of the chosen poets appear 
on the winners' list; I am happy for their accomplishment,
and into a word-restricted message's box I gladly comment
on their poetry...with the insight of an achiever!

And for those whose names never made it as previously thought,
I honestly tell you, from experience, not to be a bit discouraged...
your time will come when your enthusiasm will require a big shout;
never put the word, " Winner " to rest, write for fun and persist instead! 

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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Word Set

Never has there been a word
With more meanings, I have learned
Than this trinity of letters
That set so nice when together

The Oxford English Dictionary
set down 62 columns, so worthy
Which will have you all set
Please forgive that little jest

When you set forth to search and see
For yourself the word you need
Your search for a synonym you'll find
Sets within your Thesaurus kind

Don't let your idea be so rigid set
That you can't bend your mind and let
This little word set you off in the right direction
To help you fulfill your literary perfection

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The Child in Me

Soda pop and gum drops
A river full, so sweet
To be that child I once was
All that candy, I would eat

Not worry about a cavity,
the dentist or my skin
Just concerned with getting more
And filling it within

A jawbreaker, some nonpareils
Bazookas and candy dots
Sour apples and baby ruths
Oh I love it all a lot

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Criminal Act

Okay, Okay I'm sorry
I don't know how you feel
I won't do it again
Please hear my appeal.

I never realized 
What I was doing at the time
I never realized 
That it was such a horrible crime

I  promise I won't forget
It'll never happen again
So please don't dial nine-one-one
Please don't turn me in.

I swear to you, I do, I do
That I will be more discrete
And every time I use it
I will put down the seat.

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I'm Damn Good Lookin'

I think I'll cover my bald head
maybe with a brand new baseball hat.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
if it weren't for that..

I'm thinking about having surgery
have these bags trimmed from under my eyes.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
if it weren't for them bags of mine.

You can see I need a nose job
cut about half off and a little less wide.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
if my nose, I could hide.

My ears I could get pinned back
so they don't stick-out like taxi doors.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
if my ears weren't shaped like boards.

They could cut this mole off my butt
it's ugly, but I don't see it much.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
when I got my pants pulled up.

I don't know about my pretty wife
she won't even give me a kiss.
Because I'm damn good lookin'
if it weren't for my ugliness'.

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Ain't Retirement Grand

I wake up at 5:30 most mornings
Before the sun has a chance to rise
Head for the bathroom as fast as I can
To get rid of yesterday's Mai Tai

I let out a great big sigh of relief
As I wipe the gunk from my peepers
Stand in front of a full length mirror
Like Tarzan, in my trap door sleepers 

I sure am ruggedly handsome, methinks
Could even grace the cover of GQ
That's if they publish a special edition
For overweight, balding yahoos

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself
I've still got a surprise up my sleeve
Like running a mile in two hours flat
Quite a feat for old guys to achieve

Now here's a lesson, so listen up good
To this fatherly advice that I share
Take care of yourself or you'll wind up
As a old guy without any hair

©Jack Ellison 2012

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There's a Monster in My Closet

There’s a monster in my closet
Who keeps me up at night.
I’m scared with all that dark around,
I leave on the all the lights.

He scratches at the wooden door
And jiggles at the knob
He loves to mess up all my clothes,
My monster is a slob.

No matter how I try to sleep,
His grumbly groans and moans
Will squeak the springs under my bed-
They chill me to the bones!

I’ve tried to lie there counting sheep
It doesn’t seem to help-
My monster even manages
To make the shy sheep yelp.

He can’t stay in there any more-
I’ve really had enough!
I’ll make that monster leave my room.
He can’t be all that tough.

When he is sleeping in the day
I’ll bop him in the nose,
Then trap him in a pillow case
Beneath my dirty clothes.

I know exactly what to do
To leave him with a fright-
I’ll throw him on my sister’s bed
And leave on all the lights!

By Susan Burd © 2011

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Sidecomb Over Here


The mirror surely lied this day
    There's an Alfalfa cowlick here
Just a little teasing_hairspray
    Oh! sidecomb over this left ear

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Giant spider, climbing up the spout Downward it tripped right on my pillow... I croaked and rattled a loudest shout, And glue-stick couldn't rid its long toes. As thorax clung on the bedside wall Spinning a web, a bold fight did dare Wired mouth sprawled, I wanted to fall But with my toy gun, war we declared. I’ll pulp them eyes till the neck-bone drops Spurting water on vile insect's tricks, Until cape flings like a hero’s props... It's Spiderman from Marvel comics! Debbie Guzzi's Monsters and Marvels Contest nette onclaud

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Butts For A Butt

Ned was grandma's billy goat, 
The meanest goat in town; 
Every time you crossed his path, 
He'd try to butt you down!

Buddy was our neighbor, 
A twisted lil' teen; 
He always nagged that billy goat, 
For that's what made him mean!

Fate caught up to Buddy, 
We had an awful scare; 
He slipped on muddy soil, 
With his butt in open air!

Ned saw his target, 
"KA-THUD!!"...was all we heard; 
Buddy flew across the way, 
I could swear he passed a turd!

Buddy tried to squeeze himself, 
Between a wooden gate; 
Mercy failed to comprehend, 
By then, it was all too late!

Trapped like a weary mouse, 
Bud's rump in open view; 
Ned landed fifty thumps, 
His butt turned black n' blue! 

It took us all to save him, 
Talk about a battered fig; 
All the while he was screamin', 
Like a frightened little pig!

Hot baths and epsom salts, 
A lesson Buddy gained; 
He slept beneath a ceiling fan, 
To ease his throbbing pain! 

Oh, what a laughing stock,
We teased him constantly;
"BILLY GOAT!!", we'd often cry,
Just to watch him flee!

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Chocolate Oh Glorious Chocolate

I was feeling mighty low one day
Till wifey-poo came to the rescue
“Close your eyes, I've a big surprise!”
I was tempted to take a peek, wouldn't you

But held 'em shut tight and played the game
I could smell this aroma so sweet
Heaven had descended on this poor soul
Smelled like that glorious treat

It's a smell that really can't be disguised
Described as the food of the gods
Chocolate oh glorious sweet chocolate
It takes you where angels fear to trod

Finally she said, “Okay open your eyes!”
And there in all of its splendour
Lay a bowl of sweet chocolate pudding
I just knew I had to surrender

Adorned with a glob of fluffy whipped cream
And a yummy red cherry on top
My heart started pounding so fast and loud
Thought my ears were going to pop

When I had gluttoned myself like a piggy
I slumped back down in my chair
The air was filled with the sound of angels
Spent the rest of the day without care

Chocolate is a bean
A bean is a vegetable
Vegetables are good for you
So chocolate is a health food!
Enjoy my friend, enjoy

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The Ice Cream Lesson

Vigus and I were childhood buddies
who ventured to make some ice cream
It was to be our special creation
that would be a dish most supreme

We got some sand from the sand heap
and sifted it with a fine mesh wire
to give the dish a fine consistency
so its quality would be superior

We crumbled up some dried dirt
and pounded it with a hammer
then sifted it with the wire mesh
and made chocolate talcum powder

We mixed these ingredients in a tin
using a piece of stick as a stirrer
and blended them for quite a while
until there was a uniform texture

Vigus continued the stirring 
while I added the water
until the mix was nice and firm
and chocolate brown in colour

Now who would taste it first
we both said to each other
After thinking for a while I said
I believe I have the answer

I said let's ask Greedy Mackie
who was quite a beggar
always sponging off our snacks
in a  very shameless manner

We asked Mackie to join us 
and I got a piece of candy
Vigus stirred it in the mix
in the full view of Mackie

While Vigus stirred in the candy
We raved how sweet the dish would be
Then we asked who would taste it first
saying that person would be lucky

I suppose Mackie's thoughts 
could only focus on the candy
When we asked the question
he raised his hand and cried "ME"

We gave him a spoonful of the dish
which he put it in his mouth greedily
Vigus and I watched most intensely
to see what his reaction would be

Mackie bolted for the water tap
spitting most profusely
I guess he learned a lesson that day
that he should not be so greedy

Vigus, Mackie and I were about 7 years old


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Why Don't Sheep Shrink In The Rain

Something I've always wondered about
A subject near and dear to my heart
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain
It's puzzled me right from the start!

A theory that sometimes is bandied about
Maybe their wool is non-shrinking
Sounds quite a bit far fetched to me
Someone's jazzing me I'm thinking!

Quite plausible if you think about it though
But whether it's true or it's not
Sheep I've talked to don't give a rat's ass
Damn wool is making them hot!

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Eggs, Eggs, Glorious Eggs

Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs I could eat 'em three time a day Scrambled, poached or sunny side up I love 'em any old way Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs Like a yummy egg salad sandwich Devilled eggs, I could eat by the dozen I'll even try one from an ostrich Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs Now to some, this may sound icky At times I'll add a raw one to my cereal That's probably not for the finicky Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs I'm aware of a most recent recall Detected a trace of salmonella poisoning Now that won't deter me at all Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs Just keep eating 'em, don't have a choice A day without these delightful wee treasures Is the pits, no chance to rejoice © Jack Ellison 2012

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Dizzy With Love

I chanced upon a memory
that seems like yesterday
but it was really long ago
and oh, so far away.

It was a chilled November night
and in my thirteenth year
the stars were gathered in my eyes
for the one I loved was there.

We sat there talking quietly
I, full of nervous doubt
just trying to sound normal
thinking that I might pass out.

He was quite a few years older
a friend that had been true
I knew that he had won my heart
and I hoped he felt it, too.

My heart was beating way too loud
through my words I stumbled
and when he looked deep in my eyes
oh, how my stomach tumbled!

I thought that I would die right there
he made my dreams come true
he said the words I longed to hear
he had felt the same way, too!

He swept me quickly in his arms
and claimed that first sweet kiss
I never even had the chance
to worry I would miss!

There isn't much that I can say
it flipped my head around
and all the world was so devine
as I floated off the ground.

The time had come to say good night
and he kissed me once more
I said good night and turned around
and crashed into a door!

Inspired by John Hecks Egads, My First Kiss contest

*I was trying to act all cool and collected, mature.  I was so embarressed I wanted the 
ground to swallow me up! RG

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In The Kitchen with Commas

Sweet tooth calling, kitchen beckons to me
Decisions, decisions, what should I make
Pies, cookies, pudding , all good possibilities
They sound swell, but I choose chocolate cake

Checking for ingredients, I have them all
Chocolate, eggs, baking powder, salt and flour
Mix them together as the recipe directs
Patience! patience, should be ready in an hour

For the Comma Fun contest...

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My Mynah Bird

My mynah bird can’t spell a word
But he can surely speak it.
He squawks all day in mindless rants
And really makes a racket.

Whenever our TV is on
He’ll cock his head and listen,
Then he recites commercials for
Dish soap and cures for bald men.

My mynah bird can mimic me.
He never shuts his fat beak.
And when he copies my poor mom,
She turns into a real freak!

“Do something with that awful bird!”
I often hear her holler,
“I’ll ship him off to Timbuktu,
You bet your bottom dollar!”

So yesterday I moved his cage
Next to the open window
Where he could chatter with a squirrel
Or babble with a black crow.

I played outside with my friend Nate.
We climbed up in our old tree
Where Nate told me what he just heard
From his big brother Andy.

It was the ‘latest slang’ he said.
I thought it sounded real cool-
And so did my rat mynah bird
Who played me for a big fool.

At dinner time when all our mouths
Were filled with mom’s spaghetti,
My mynah bird just blurted out
What he heard my friend tell me.

Then mom dragged me straight down the hall-
I felt like such a dumb dope
When she presented my dessert-
A plate of sudsy bar soap!

I choked and gagged on my own words.
Oh, I’d make that mynah tweet!
Getting even with blabber mouths
Made that bitter soap taste sweet!

This morning I phoned my friend Nate-
We knew we’d get revenge soon.
That bird must learn to bite his tongue
Or he’d sing a different tune.

I grabbed his cage and toted him
On the back of my old bike,
And met Nate at the only place
Mynah birds don’t ever like

We went inside and stood in line.
Then my nasty mynah sang.
He belted out commercial tunes
Interjected with ‘cool slang.’

Shocked mothers hugged their precious kids
To shield their tender, young ears.
Old ladies gasped, “Well I never-
In all my live long years!”

The clerk leaned over, stared, then barked,
“Now, what can I do for yooooou?”
“How much to ship this mynah bird
From my house to Timbuktu?”

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Does Your Sex Drive Diminish

For you younger folks who ask the question Does your sex drive one day diminish My honest answer is a resounding “NO!” It continues right to the finish A sexy young girl is a sexy young girl No matter how many years have gone by Though we no longer see as well as we used to Young fillies will still catch our eye Please don't think of me as dirty old man Human nature is surely to blame Might as well dig a hole and jump right in If we can't play the ogling game What's more appealing and a treat to the senses Than a pretty young thing in shorts? It turns my crank, my temperature rises It's an exciting old man's sport I'm really just doing what comes naturally If you take that away from us guys Might as well overdose on our Metamucil And bid this cruel world goodbye! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Flame Once Burned

                              The Flame Burnt Hot.
The air was thin, standing looking out of the small window
Flying to Tunisia through a cloud level that was low
Stretching my legs and peering down the fuselage 
From the flight deck, appeared the man who was definitely in charge.

His dark good looks struck me, they hit me like a blow
He came and stood in front of me and then he said “Hello.”
Dark limpid brown eyes, dressed in a uniform so smart
If we had been there longer, he may have stolen my beating heart.

Holding in his hand, a bar of dark chocolate
Broke a piece off it, and asked me if I’d like to partake.
Not being a fan of chocolate, but I am a fan of a uniform so grand
I let him feed it to me out of his large, strong, tanned hand.

The flame was burning bright as we looked deep into each others eyes
When my husband tapped him on the shoulder much to our surprise
The pilot turned and offered him a piece of chocolate too
I think you may guess the answer, and what he told him then to do.

The flame that burned oh so hot, was snuffed in just a second
A warning to all those girls, for whom a uniform may beckon
When a tall dark pilot offers to feed you from his hand
Make sure there’s no one around round so that flame can then be fanned…

© 27/11/2012~GG~

Based very loosely on a true story lol 

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Black Widow--trochee

Black Widow

We made love in the arbour
And loft--out of sight,
Then three times at the harbour
As the day turned night.

Let's go into the parlour
In the candle light,
There's no more time for ardour.
I'm ready to--Bite!

Andrea's contest:"Trochee"
*Note: the black widow spider is known for killing and eating her male counterpart after she has exhausted him from all the 'love making'--mating.

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The Space Invader

“Don’t-stand-so-close-to-me,” he said to her. I’m feeling claustrophobic. Every time I turn around, you’re right there at my shoulder. Were you a poem, I’d make you its end rhyme! “How rude you are!” his girlfriend then replied. “The way you talk to me is a disgrace. We’re finished!” As she strode away she cried, “And this is me now giving you your space.” For Black Eyed Susan's Space Contest

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Santa's Promise

Santa’s Promise

My Granny was riding a reindeer,
out back on the lawn by our shed.
It looked like a bull riding contest
but the horns were a rack instead.

My Papa was sitting and watching
while he cheered for the bucking steer.
Oh Dad, I don’t know what you’re drinking
but that bull is a North Pole deer.

While Granny was hooting and clicking,
‘ole Santa appeared on our shed.
“Now, Granny I kept up my promise
and Dancer is leading the sled.”

“Tonight is the eve of the Christ birth.
It’s a night of world love and peace.
The magical sleigh of believing
starts midnight with love gifts apiece.”

He waited while Granny dismounted,
then Dancer proceeded to bow,
about that time, Dad had miscounted…
He passed out while toasting the cow.

Janet L Vick
Quatrain form

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An Invite

An Invite

Now son, I think you’re sneaky,
not just lying for my good.
Your cover-up was cheeky,
I’m not blind or wear a hood.

A nursing home’s not for me
nor assisted-living room,
I’m keeping my own money
and that place is not my doom.

I’m old but like strip poker,
karaoke makes me high,
known as practical joker,
kind of partial to the rye.

I raised a suited dandy
that’s so rigid in his ways.
Yeah, schooling came in handy
cause you left for longer stays.

So son, you have your answer,
I’m not going anywhere.
I’ve hired a belly dancer
for my party if you dare.

It might be my last birthday,
if you come, you must have fun.
Your sister’s having her way
bringing beer and loaded gun.

The gun is for my present,
it’s protection I don’t need.
So come and let’s be pleasant
and we see where it will lead.

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Rick Roll

Rick, you got me once again;
I'm tired of feeling dumb.
Curse your mindless hyperlinks!
Kiss my big fat bum!

Rick, I'll never pass it on,
On this day or another.
Let the halfwits have their fun.
Let them have their druthers.

© 2011, R. Erin Lenth

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The Toilet Paper Caper

Oh my goodness, oh my gosh
We're totally out of toilet paper
Someone broke in and pilfered it
Known as the toilet paper caper

It's really not a laughing matter
So wipe that grin off your face
The FBI's Stolen Bum Wipe Unit
Was called in to take the case

Went around from door to door
Searching for a lead or a clue
Except for a couple of possibilities
Wound up wearing out their shoes

As the leads started growing cold
Up pops this suspicious event
A race being staged at the university
Likely no criminal intent

But the first across the finish line
When they rang the final bell
Was awarded two dozen 3-ply rolls
By the makers of Cottonelle

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Dancing With The Devil

Dancing with the devil
Like I never danced before
Doing the fiery tango
On a fire flaming floor

In the crook of his arm
Our hips pressed together
Curving me round and round
Like I'm a weightless feather

Our feet move to Milonga
While forsaken souls watch
White cheek pressed to red cheek
His breath smells of age old scotch

My foot darts between his shoes
A fancy leg twist around his calf
Capturing the heat and passion
While trying not to hysterically laugh

If I can dance to perfection
Ironically I'll get to leave
Angels give me strength 
And let my soul win reprieve

For I was meant to dance
In paradise on a white cloud
Sent to hell for dancing the tango
In Heaven only waltzes are allowed

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My Life As A Dog

My life as a dog would indeed be fine
Knowing I could nap anywhere, anytime.
On the porch or in a chair,
I could dream without a care.

With my legs, I'd set a pace
And find a cat or car to chase.
If that prusuit for me did fail,
I'd turn around and chase my tail.

With my nose, I'd take in smells
And see what things I could tell.
Like who is cooking, what and where,
Or who passed by, here and there.

With my ears, I could listen good
To the sounds of my neighborhood.
When the sun went down and all was dark,
I'd take heed of the twilight bark.

With my voice, I would make known
Visitors who approached my home.
My bark would make all foes flee,
Yet to friends it'd be welcoming.

With my eyes, I could implore or beg,
For a scrap of food or a pat on the head.
The neatest thing is - is that I could see
In the dark of night, what there might be.

With my tail, I could express
The degree of my happiness.
And when I'd head out on the go,
My tail would wag, to and fro.

For all the ways that I can find
To put myself in a canine's mind,
It's quite plain to see,
My life as a dog would be grand indeed.

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Message In A bottle

I write this note and place it, in my favourite bottle of wine
I sealed that top so tight then I wrapped it with waxed twine
The world is gonna end be it by mans hand or Gods
I maybe should have been more careful on all the toes I trod.

So if there are survivors, after doomsday does arrive
I’d like to leave advice on how one can survive.
Eat plenty of fiber, they tell you it's good to have each day
Five kinds of fruit and vegetables and you’ll always be ready to play.

Red wine is good for you one day, but the next it will kill you dead
They never talked of white wine, so I’d stick to that instead.
Duck and cover if you see a mushroom growing in the sky
They told us they disarmed them, but I think that they did lie.

Never go to bed angry with the one who is with you
So change them each day and then he won’t get angry too.
Don’t try to burn the candle at both ends at the same time
You’ll find it will burn the house down and that will be a crime.

When you wake with aches and pains it is because you're getting old
So the end of the world may not be bad, or that’s what I am told
So remember if you read this and you are to start the race anew
Remember life can be a b***h, you don’t want to marry one too.

When I popped the note in this bottle I left you the wine to drink
So go forth and multiply and forget about the missing link
Then think on this point, I obviously didn't make it through
So throw the rules away and just do what you have to do.

© ~GG~23/12/2012

It was going to be an entry in the contest but I realise I haven't' followed the rules

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An idiom for you
An idiom for me
It’s just an expression,
a message, you see.

Silence is golden.
Trouble comes in three.
Each to his own taste.
The powers that be.

A rock and a hard place.
Bat out of Hell.
A pig in the poke.
The day will tell.

Pedal to the metal.
Pie in the sky.
Over the top.
Apple of my eye.

Pictures paint a thousand words.
They are dropping like flies.
Put your thinking cap on.
Pull the wool over his eyes

Now, I have shed
some knowledge here for all.
Go learn some more idioms and
have yourself a ball!

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Fancy Dudes

The work was hard out on the ranch, the days were hot an' dry,
An' fancy things you find in town had caught ol' Jim Bob's eye.
When evenin' came he'd sit the fence an' crave to see the sights,
To drive big cars to all the bars an' toast the city nights.

He had a gal he courted some, her name was Betty Lou.
She'd lived a spell in Angelo, had been to Lubbock, too.
Her face was fine, with freckled cheeks, her hair was done in style;
An' all her clothes had fancy brands that musta cost a pile.

Now, Betty Lou had set her sights to put her brand on Jim,
But he had things he had to do an' marriage weren't for him.
The world was callin'-out his name, he had some things to learn,
Some places that he had to see, 'some candles left to burn'.

Well, came a time, an' like you thought, he wandered off the range,
But ended up in Boston-town; now boys, that was a change.
He found a bar that looked real clean an' sauntered in the door;
He'as proud to be of Texas stock an' sallied to the fore.

A fancy feller slithered-up an' asked Jim to his place,
But when he put his hand on Jim's, he punched him in the face.
I guess that feller didn't know for what ol' Jim was known,
An' bein' green to city life, he'as best just left alone.

Right after Jim had took his shot that dude got mighty riled;
He punched Jim once an' kicked him twice, an' left him right defiled.
Jim left his mark, I guess you'd say, that feller's bloody clothes;
Cause when that feller swung his fist, Jim hit it with his nose!.

He'd never seen them fancy dudes, who act like girls an' such;
From what he knew, which wadn't squat, he didn't like 'em much.
He heard they'as sissies, frail an' weak, sashayin' as they walked.
They gossiped like some women-folk, an' giggled when they talked.

Well, when it all was said an' done, he helped Jim to his feet,
An' dusted off his shirt a mite, then smiled at him real sweet.
He told Jim 'bout a couple things he liked to do with males;
Now, one was such I won't repeat, but one was kickin' tails.

Well, boys I guess there's lessons here: be careful where you roam;
Don't wander off to Boston-town, if Texas is your home;
But if you do, stear clear of bars, an' this I would include;
Don't ever underestimate an' rile a fancy dude.

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Katie's Kazoo

Miss Katie liked to play kazoo
And played it really well.
She took it with her everywhere
And shared for Show and Tell.

Most every day she practiced hard,
In morning, noon, at night,
While bathing in her bubbly tub
Or flying her new kite.

She blew a tune while walking with
Her two Black Labradors.
That music helped her to have fun
When doing daily chores.

Then she kazooed to every beat
Of backstrokes in the pool-
While jumping rope and hopping scotch
Or skipping home from school.

But last Monday when she woke up
She had a little cough,
That turned into a tickle and
Just threw her rhythm off.

Those jolly tunes were not quite right
They sounded more like wheezes,
Which turned into an awful noise
When she came down with sneezes.

The doctor came and looked way down
Her sore and itchy throat,
And said, “Your bumpy, purple tongue
Is covered in a coat.”

“You must put down that old kazoo
It’s making you quite sick,
‘Cause all your germs are living in
That dirty metal shtick.”

With that, Katie began to cry
And blew her runny nose.
The doctor gave her medicine,
But did not heal her woes.

And when he left she took her toy
And hid it in her cheeks,
Then slid beneath her bed covers
For one-and-one-half weeks.

She never said a single word
Or even made a peep.
It seemed poor Katie swallowed it
Sometime during her sleep.

Her mother said, “It’s time to get
Out of that messy bed.”
And as she pulled back on the sheets
Her face filled up with dread.

A funny lump stuck straight across
Her neck, from side to side.
Poor Katie wanted to speak out
But only kazoo-cried.

This sent a kazoo shiver up
From her ten tingly toes,
And forced a sneeze from down below
Right up her sniffly nose.

With one big jolt that old kazoo
Shot out from Katie’s mouth,
Then traveled past her window pane-
And headed somewhere south.

In one deep sigh of sweet relief
She said with a big smile,
“I think it’s best if I practice
Just whistling for a while.”

By Susan Burd © 2011

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Sweet Nothings

Sweet Nothings.

Kisses are as sweet as candy
The feelings last longer too.
Caresses are sweet beyond compare
Especially with you.

Candy full of bubbles,
Is a hollow empty shell
You in my arms is the sweetest,
That’s what they should sell.

Candy cannot touch
The sweetness of your loving kiss
All the chocolate in the world
I would rather miss.

It is nothing compared to
The warmth of your sweet caress
If you were a bar of chocolate,
You would melt and be a mess.

Who needs candy or chocolate bars,
The taste gone in just a minute.
But it can give me some pleasure 
Especially if you're wrapped in it.

~GG~ 2012

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Cupid Wanted

I thought to give his description
and tell why I want him alive.
He often causes adventure,
my life took a certain nosedive.

Standing, he’s five to six inches,
a bent toothpick he calls his bow.
He shoots tiny pins like arrows
and he chants garbled words for show.

His claims make love everlasting,
‘specially on Valentine’s day,
‘twas last year I called on his name
so right now... it’s better he pay.

No man came my way as promised.
His pin shot some pig in the ass.
Chanting with alcohol bubbles
started fireworks across the grass.

So please, help me find this Cupid.
The smoked ham and bacon is gone.
Insurance covered fire losses.
I’m ready for love to come on…

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I Think My Wife Is A Vampire

I think my wife is a vampire,
My body shivers with fright;
For some apparent reason,
She stays up late at night!

Last week, she ordered a steak,
I gazed in stunning awe;
She took one peek at the menu,
And wanted it nearly raw!

No longer a "bubbly" red head,
She's dyed her hair to black;
Freedom of expression's one thing,
But I don't want a heart attack!

Candles adorn the hallway,
My emotions are withdrawn;
She always wants to stay inside,
Fearing the break of dawn!

Eerie are the days before me,
Curiosity fails to escape;
"Sweetie, are you gothic?"
"What's up with the cape?!

I wanna make a stand,
To show the wife who's boss;
One question stirs inside of me,
"Does she fear a cross?"

Changes right before my eyes,
What's happening to my honey?
Not only is she different,
Her voice sounds rather funny!

I want her to see a doctor,
My goal's to do what's right;
No longer does she kiss my neck,
Instead, she tries to bite!

She disappears in the mirror,
Her skin is white as snow;
What's happenin' to my sweetie?
She's lost that heavenly glow!

Maybe I'll hire an exorcist,
Give me a moment to think;
Is it just my imagination,
Or is it I who needs a shrink?!

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Ants In Your Pants

Ever wonder why we giggle
How exactly does it start
What makes it uncontrollable
Perhaps it's a silly fart

You see a goofy stranger
Like a dude from outer space
Before you can say Frank N. Stein
You're falling on your face

Giggles are quite intangible
You can't buy them at the store
Worth buckets full of greenbacks
Some gold and so much more

You're in a state of euphoria
Trying to stay calm but can't
It's a tonic for whatever ails you
When ants get in your pants

© Jack Ellison 2012

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The leprechaun

I'll be happy to be a leprechaun
That silly green hat will be worn.
If ye share yer pot of gold with me
A leprechaun I'll be happy to be.

I'll buy ye a pint of the black stuff
More if that's not enough
If ye give me a gold coin or three
A pint of the black stuff I'll buy ye.

I'll swear an oath on me shamrock
Put all I own in hock 
If only ye will give me a share
On me shamrock an oath I'll swear.

I am Irish and from the emerald isle
That's a guarantee to make ye smile
Leprechaun grant me this one wish
From the emerald isle and I am Irish.

I'll drive you to Dublin's fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
You can have colcannon and stew
To Dublin's fair city i'll drive you.

Come home with me and vent yer spleen
Upon me very sweet Colleen
Then i'll escort ye to the infirmary
Vent yer spleen and come home with me.

Swap quantrains. Lets see what you've got.
Contest of Andrea Dietrich .
Listed as quantrain form.

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Cupid's Misfire

Though often called by lovers
for my wicked deadly aim
when I sight with an arrow
and I chant the whispered name.

Sometimes, the shot gets tangled.
I don’t like to ricochet
off candidates unlikely
of responsiveness in play.

I’m sorry though... for Mary.
Me feeling hung-over dues...
‘twas cause of the misfire flight,
mispronouncing in the muse.

I targeted her chosen,
and fired a moment too late...
Poor Mary heard the grunting
and a pig stared through the gate.

Next, we hear the crashing sound,
running feet as pig appears
and looking up at Mary
piggish grin with garbage smears.

Now, Mary’s not called stupid
nor in love with new pig friend.
She bargained up the bacon,
smoked the hams and brought the end.

Valentine’s day is coming,
my fear mounts of face to face...
‘cause Mary not forgetting,
last year was the piggy chase.


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Axe Murderers

Do you have any axe murderers in your family
No? How totally boring is that!
They add a little spice when telling your story
More interesting than your household cat

How about a bigamist or a felon of some note
That would be a total blast!
But before you climb up on your mighty high horse
Better thoroughly check out your past

Just having a little fun so don't send me letters
When reviewing this sweet little gem
Every once in a while I go off on these tangents
Soon be back on the track once again

Do you have any axe murderers in your family
If you have to answer yes to the above
I solemnly promise to keep it our little secret
And end with good wishes and love

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Fire And Ice

The Devil sits there playing, he’s as happy as he can be
He has a new game to play, he rubs his fiery hands in glee
Down in the bowels of the earth, the deepest hottest spot
Where white magma burns, he collects it, in his devilish crock.

He keeps all the tortured souls he has collected through the years
Especially the greedy ones, he know how to play on their worst fears
Crucibles of white hot lava, he makes them pound all day
Until their muscles burn and burst, then the devils imps do flay.

The skin they flay from their backs, but still the pounding goes on
And little by little a diamond is formed, each one the bestest one
A pile of diamonds the devil has them make, but still the lava pours
The pounding must continue, piles of diamonds grow on the floor.

The clarity, the excellence, this perfection in clear carats
The devil tells them he wants more, the imps take skin from their backs
More and more diamonds they are looking as cool as ice
He taunts the greedy souls down there he says “Now don’t they look nice.”

When he has a mountain of them, he lets the pounding halt
The lava stops pouring for a while, and then there is a jolt
The poor tired souls are staring at this mountain of ice-like gems
When the Devil pulls a lever the pounding starts again.

This time a floodgate is open and he says they can take their fill
They can cool themselves on the diamonds; they can try it if they will
The clearest of all the diamonds, send shivers down their spines
They try to pocket a few but the devil says …“They’re mine.”

Another gate is open, lava flows through hot, the crucibles refilled
The Devil says now get to work I don’t want to see a single drop spilled
When they can work no more, he lets them have a rest 
Then opening up another door he says “I bet you all have guessed.”

“Now you have made more wealth, than the world can ever use
These cool pieces of pounded lava, this ice mountain you are going to lose
Just watch my merry greedy souls, just watch my new display
As a running river of lava washes the ice clear diamonds away… 

Now I will show you what we will do with all of them 
Just watch how they melt down, so we can start all over again
So pound away my merry soul’s, pound and pound them well
This is what you loved before; you found the love of money was Hell

Competition Entry: Fire and Ice. Sponsored By Carol Sunshine Brown 
© Mandy Tams~GG~ 21/11/2012

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~Honeymoon Capers~ The big day arrived and we couldn’t wait We were old fashioned and there was no horse after the gate The wedding went off with nary a hitch A few gate crashers but we didn’t b i t c h . * The honeymoon night, boy what a thrill The emotions it caused are with us both still While showering in a hotel bathroom suite My new husband dare ask if he could now peek. Into the shower he joined me all of a quiver The sparks were shooting hither and thither I was covered in shampoo from washing my hair I tried to squeeze past him the water to share. No thought was there yet of making love in the shower We were getting to know more of each other hour by hour My new husband’s passion was obviously aroused As I stuck me head under the shower to be doused. It was then that I did slip and fall backwards with a yell Taking the shower the curtains and my husbands passion as well All I remember as my head hit the loo Was an agonised yell from my husband brand new. As my legs lifted high not for love it would seem But I kicked him in the place where he kept his lovers dreams. I woke up on the floor my head splitting in two My husband at the side of me groaning by the loo Water was pouring from the shower wall Neither could move nor dare make a call He said he knew that in marriage there could be some hard knocks But it was taking the cake to get kicked in the rocks. The toilet was cracked just like my head The bathroom was flooded we had to stay in bed Our honeymoon night our first night together Is one we will remember for ever and ever.
* Censor won't let me use it so I split it ©~GG~ 30/08/2012

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Hicks in the Sticks

My mama always told me that
"Hicks in the sticks"
was a thing way back when.
Timeless as mortar and bricks.

But who woulda thought
that someday she'd marry one?
Bet she didn't say hick no more,
her name itself was now and pun.

I'd always be jealous of other kids
and their long and extravagant surnames.
Mine might as well a cough or a sneeze,
p'raps I'll change it if I ever come to fame!

Sure ain't no Guadalajara
or Lamoureux.
Truth be told It'd sound more interesting
to just call me Mr. So 'n' So.

If you look far enough down the family line
you'll find the spelling changes... they ditch the C-K-S.
Can you believe that my already minuscule name
used to be a whole two letters less?

It's a running joke at work that it sounds
more appealing to the opposite sex.
So if I run into someone I like I'll be like
"Call me Mr. Hicks... with an X".

But I guess I'm stuck with it
'til the day they put me in the ground.
I'll be a "Hicks in the sticks" to you if y' fancy.
What's all this fuss about a sound?

NOTE: I wanted to write something reminiscent of Jack Ellison's quirky humor.

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My New Undergarmets

A new brassier I did need, to keep the cold off my chest
All was ok until me, the guard did arrest... 
From the store as I was making my way slowly out
Alarm bells rang and then I heard a shout.

Well I thought it was queer when he took me  inside
Where the guard took my bags, I had nothing to hide
He uttered something strange not familiar to my ear
Then sent me away with my bags presumed clear

I left the store with an audience fully surrounding 
Feeling small and embarrassed and alarm bells still pounding.
I decided to ignore the stares coming my way
He had already rummaged and sent me away.

Embarrassed and shivering I looked for my car
Remembering then, that I still wore  no bra.
I realised then that my chest area was  cold.
Because I still had no brassier for my bits to hold.

The store they had left the tags on the underwear
Sealed inside the boxes and that’s not really fair
The staff they had omitted to tell of their plan
Oh boy, I sometime wish that I was a man.

My poor ches-tal area, not small, I might add 
Was suffering from the cold, one could see that quite bad
I had looks from shoppers all watching me
I wondered at first what it was they could see

As I passed through the door, past a man not so old
He said buy a top, because I was looking rather cold
How thoughtful I thought, for him to mention to me
Till I saw my nipples sticking out as far as can be.

My poor chest-al area so long suffering in the cold 
I now have new undergarments for my bits to hold
They are wrapped up warm and snug as can be
When I’m cold they will remain hidden, so no one can see.

 © 24/09/2012~GG~ 

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The Trolls Come Out At Night

Some cat entered my room one night I thought it was a ghost It smelled like something had just died But I must oblige my guest as the host I turned on the light and there it was An obnoxious opossum at best! Whoa! Forget my host duties, cous! Take the room—I’m an unhappy guest! I left the house with a shutter Before I realized I was heavily surrounded By cats on all sides, up and under The house they had all just rounded! In truth I was perturbed on all levels That I began to realize in horror That damn opossum had spawned these little devils! And tonight I must end this terror! I then ran straight to the kitchen Aware of the opossum inside If I give up the tuna and ditch um’ Perhaps I’ll escape this night alive The persistent cats scratched at the holes Those buggers—those meddlers! They could have been thieves—if not trolls! Their yowls would scare sumo wrestlers! Worst of all in this dilemma Tomorrow was grocery day There were no more cans of tuna All my fish had swam away! Somehow one got in And the rest came barreling through I ran toward my room to him The opossum looked so distressed and blue The little beady eyes pierced my soul And I knew from then on he was my friend He only meant to hide from the furry little trolls And escape a most pitiful end! I made up my mind at last And picked up my trusty broom Come on in—I dare yah tah pass! Ain’t no feline coming through this room! Glowing eyes burned with intent And the yowling grew loud as hell The little bullies think they can take my guest! They’ll fly like birds they will! That night was a battle like none other A battle I will proudly say I won I gained the friend of my life—a brother My pet’s a load of fun! As much as I love a neighbor cat They are a little scary as a race Thankfully a broom will push them back And put them in their place My opossum is a sweet little thing And I protect him with my life I’ll never judge a critter again Till actions bring it to light

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Hey Wait A Minute

Hey! Wait a minute, what's going on
Is this how it's supposed to be
All stooped over, walking with a cane
Always needing to pee 

Told where to go and what to eat
Try so hard not to drool
Remembering days when I was the one
In control, I was so cool

Mom didn't tell me there'd be days like this
Happy in her own little world
She wanted to give me the inside scoop
But her flag became unfurled

All I can say is, I've enjoyed my trip
If I bite the bullet tomorrow
It's all been an absolute downright blast
So don't go showing me sorrow!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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The Game Of Poetry

How about this for OPENERS You STOLE my heart away With SIGNS of love and caring A sparkling two way PLAY You guys are all a HIT with me You're WINNERS every time Raising me in the STANDINGS Such loyal FANS of mine Since I was just a ROOKIE poet Had myself quite a RUN Feel like a real VETERAN now This GAME is so much fun Appreciate every seven STAR rating This poetry fits like a GLOVE Quite a CHANGE in one short year Above AVERAGE kind of love So I'm gonna keep on SLUGGING Aiming for the FENCES Hoping to hit a poetic HOME RUN And SCORE with all your senses © Jack Ellison 2013

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Conflicted over Nancy's -BLANK- Verse

Boy, such a gas
Boy, so much fun
Boy, what a job
Boy, wanna run 

Oh, the pleasure
Oh, the pain
Oh, the freedom
Oh, the strain

Gee, a poem?
Gee, with blanks?
Gee, let's try it
Gee, no thanks!

Got an idee 
Got a glimmer
Got to figure
Got to simmer

Look, it's coming
Look, it's here
Look, I'm rhyming
Look, my dear !

Eek, I'm stymied
Eek, can't think
Eek, come on brain
Eek, on brink

Dang, I'm close now
Dang, I've got it
Dang, the word's come
Dang, in pocket!

Scrabble's a fine game
if with a Q not hobbled
But to tell you the truth,
I'd rather be BOGGLED!

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She entrée-ed into the room and it was all so déjà vue
Because her Quebecois wiggle was timed to match the tango
But she’d met her match with the senorita from Peru 
Madre de dios -  que Madonna!  With eyes afire from the fandango.

They locked horns just after the siesta de toros   
When les beaux gars were just relaxing from  the dance
And they hair-pulled and cheek-scatched around the floor-os
To see who would command the beaux gars’ romance

Brigitte had a scalp-hold on Conchita and held it grimly
And the Peruvian princess had her claws full of French cheek.
Oh, for the gentlemen they always behaved so primly,
But in a fight their rough grasps could lock for a week

In an instant Brigitte snapped the beads of the princess
And there was Peruvian horror at the loss of the necklace
So the latina grabbed the earring of the Montrealaise
And it was snapping and grabbing in manner reckless

At last the toros woke up and the lutte des chattes ended 
The Spanish senorita with arms around a toro
And the Quebecoise demoiselle with her  lips locked
On a beau gars for today and maybe tomorrow

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . 

Note:  These Spanish/French expressions are untranslatable, but 
their equivalent meaning  is given as follows: -

Madre de dios  -  que Madonna!  =  Holy mackerel  -  what a looker!
siesta de toros   =  snooze time for the drunken  guys
les beaux gars     =    cool dudes
toros          =     guys   ( hitherto drunk and  asleep )
lutte des chattes   =   cat fight

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .

Entered in    Debbie Guzzi ‘s  Contest       Bi-Lingual Poetry

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WANTED: Mongoose


I need to borrow a mongoose!
I'm tired of this snake in my house!
And turn that little rascal loose
On every lizzard, snake, and mouse!

No--wait! Not the lizard. He's fine.
But that snake--need to cook his goose!
He could stay--OUTSIDE--INSIDE's mine!
Nope! There he is! Still on the loose!


          A MONGOOSE
        TO  GET  RID  OF


deborah burch©

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A Deadly Weapon

Sometimes I fart like an AK-47
People run for cover in fear
With panic on their distorted faces
They can tell my end is near

Not from a fear of death they run
It's the indescribable odour
Something must have died in there
Smells like a backend loader

No need to fret no need to worry
An air freshener should do the trick
If that doesn't work maybe try
Burning some incense sticks

Bottom line is, it's all about bottoms
And mine's the one in question
The AK-47 thing is meant to alleviate
Unwanted traffic congestion!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Basketball Brain

Imagine if I possessed stunning good looks Along with an adorable personality I'd have to beat the ladies off with a stick Love it if this was suddenly reality Hollywood would continually be bugging me To make millions from my glorious kisser Certainly be renowned the whole world over But dear Cathie, I'd surely miss her I'd send for her as soon as I bought a mansion Overlooking the beautiful blue sea Would say farewell to my bevy of beauties So honoured to have had a piece of me This new cyber world allows for such musing I could actually be of the opposite sex Now I've really got you wondering haven't I So you never know what to expect Well I must confess I'm a ten year old genius With a brain the size of a basketball Eat gigabytes of data, morning, noon and night And spit out gobs of wisdom to all Imagine if I possessed stunning good looks Dream on you old geezer, dream on A major overhaul would certainly be necessary And I don't think you've got that long © Jack Ellison 2013

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Diddly Squat

Funny talk... "diddly squat" Means basically nothing to me! Where do these words come from? Do they grow these things on trees? What a joke... "a pig in a poke" Fooled unsuspecting buyers! Instead of a piggy inside the bag Twas a kitty cat for the fryer! But of course... "hay's for horses" Here's another reason to spend? Some stuffing for your Jockeys To give you a fuller front end! Just my luck... "I'm a dead duck" She caught me with this lady! Not to worry, it all turned out Twas Mom so nothing shady! Whadya think... "Take forty winks" Causes trouble with wifey poo! Of course if you wink at a filly And the filly winks back at you! It's really absurd... these silly words They upset our daily routine! They've been known to turn sunny days To the ugliest days ever seen! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Forty-Three Boxes Of Captain Crunch

If I could get back the dollars I've spent I'd be an extremely rich man Buying stuff just because it's on sale Then storing it is not a good plan Got eighty-three of cans of vegetable soup Forty-three boxes of Captain Crunch Even if I lived to a hundred and twenty We'll still have breakfast and lunch Some people have a rainy day mentality You never know what's just ahead But more than six hundred boxes of KD Could keep a damn army fed Now I'm all for spending money wisely But this concept blows my mind Can't eat all the food that we've got stored But the mice think I'm very kind © Jack Ellison 2013

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New Handcuffs

New Handcuffs
We had taken our boys out to a theme park one day
They could run around wild and burn some energy away
On the return trip from the gift shop they did ask to buy
A plastic sword, a shied and a pair of toy handcuffs, I didn’t ask why.

Two days later they asked if their friend could come to play
“Of course not a problem” is what I did tell them that day.
Within few minute they came to find me, they were crying
Their friend was in the handcuffs, they can’t release him although trying.

Each turn of the key to unlock the offending restraints
Instead of unlocking them it tightened them, to his little complaints
I put all three boys in the car and drove to the local fire station
To find it was a part -time one, it was a deserted location.

A cleaner I spied working hard, so I did ask help from him
"Go to the police station" he said, giving me a wink and a grin.
A bit strange I thought but only for a little while
I had to free this child, so I said “goodbye” with a smile.

This young boy now with tears in his eyes 
Looking so lost and afraid, which is no surprise
Into the Police station I walked feeling really bold
"Can you please free this child? You have cutters I am told."

A big burly officer looked, and then he walked up to me
Took one look at the child and said sarcastically
“We will fetch a female officer to sit with the boys
“While you come with me, and explain a child, in sex toys…”

“What on earth are you babbling about my good man?
Just unlock and free that child as fast as you can”
“I’m sorry madam” said he “but there’s questions to ask”
“Why did you lock a child in handcuffs? What was to be your task?”

“My good man what are you suggesting, that I locked him in?”
“Don’t be absurd are you stupid?” He just gave me a grin
Another officer entered with three pairs of bolt cutters so big
The poor child nearly fainted, he had little arms like a twig.

I asked them not to scare him, he was only a boy
They told me they still needed to know about the sex toy
On freeing the child they took the three boys away 
They asked them who had locked him up, and was it in play.

My then ten year old son admitted he had done the deed
He didn’t think it was wrong, he thought he could be freed.
Finally satisfied enough, they let me leave with the boys
With a tap on the shoulder the policeman urged me to buy
                                                             ‘padded sex toys.’

© ~GG~ 5/12/2012

An oh so true story lol

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Licence Revoked

I wasn't very careful driving my pen
My poetic licence has been revoked
I guess I didn't follow all the poetic rules
So my licence has gone up in smoke

Here I am now forced to travel
Without my trusty pen in hand
Left to walk on lonely beaches
Writing my words in the sand

Don't follow in my footsteps
Let them all be washed away
I sure miss that poetic licence
I hope to get it back someday

Once reunited with my trusty pen
I will be careful to follow the rules
Pens are not made for lesser men
Sometimes they are used by fools

Russell's Poetry about Poetry Contest

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The Bunny is Dead

What a sad day 
No more Easter bunny
I don't mean to laugh
But some tales are funny

I think in the end
It's really his fault
you would never guess
Who was locked in his vault

The bunny was Jealous 
Of jolly old Saint Nick
He felt like second fiddle
To a jolly white haired prick

So when the vault door opened
He pushed old Nick inside
He thought to himself
I'll take his sleigh for a ride

Before he got going
He loaded eggs in the back
Each one carefully packed
In poor Santa's red sack

On Donner on Blitzen 
They flew up in the sky
An inexperienced flyer
Is now a very dead guy

His tiny bunny body
Was bounced out from the sled
Rudolph tossed him out
So now the Bunny's dead

March 9th, 2013
Clue contest

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‘ ‘’’’’’’’’’ ‘ ‘ Weighing scale breaks for a gal too plump Nibbling chocolates instead of carrot sticks, “I want to be a model, why is life such a dump?” So off to the gym she heads for a quick fix, fix! Her waist still a round 31- inches after months Of high fatty food she can’t scratch on her note, Auditions call, she’s craving to fit into slim pants With more Easter honey making her bloat, bloat She meets a retired, old magician who can nail it At last, curved figure she’ll have without big tummy, Swoosh! He pulls her from wrapped cage like a rabbit And swirls, turning poor gal into a fake Playboy bunny! © For Carol Brown’s Bunny Rabbit by nette onclaud

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Pet Peeves

Here's some of my favourite pet peeves Construction, potholes, and speed bumps A bald person with a bad fitting hair piece Or soup with unidentified lumps Public washrooms that stink to high heaven Or when someone sneezes nine times People that pick their noses in public Kids eating with their fingers full of grime People making bodily function noises On a bus, at a concert or in church Friends that promise a late night ride home Then get drunk and leave you in the lurch Mosquitoes, spiders, rats and lizards Although not necessarily in that order Someone who totally screws up a punch line Getting held up for hours at the border People that talk to non living objects Like computers, teddy bears, and cars Handshakes that resemble a cold wet fish Cracking knuckles, most annoying by far There certainly is a whole bunch more I'm sure everyone's got some of their own It's just human nature so go with the flow Ignore them and try not to moan! © Jack Ellison 2013

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The Earl of Sandwich

Please, sir, some meat and bread
I've not had a morsel for a week
It would stop this terrible hunger
My prospects now are terribly bleak

It's said the Earl is tender hearted
And oh so bloody awful rich
If I could have a taste of his
I'd call the thing a Sandwich

I hate to just come a beggin'
But I'm so hungry I am seeing red
Won't you ask the Earl again
Please, sir, some meat and bread.......

For Joe's Sandwich

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O Christmas Tree

'Tis that time again to bedeck the tree with decorations!

   Untangling the string of lights is one of my annual frustrations!

      Naughty words are said but when all is said and done, you'll,

         Happily declare that sans a Christmas tree it wouldn't be a Yule!

Placed No. 9 in Kim Merryman's "Here We Go A Caroling" Contest - January 2013

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Apple Pickin' Time

Pick an apple for yourself,
Pick an'  enjoy the sweet taste,
Pick an' blend with other fruits,
which you can turn into a paste.

There 're lots of different types,
Which 're good for ladies in their prime,
Some are with pink and yellow stripes,
just pick good ones at the right time.

Try an ' make an apple juice,
make it nice without an excuse,
This 'll make you a good brewer,
lettin' it ferment can make it seduce.

Pick an apple for yourself,
Pick an ' enjoy the sweet taste,
Pick an ' blend with other fruits,
which you can turn into a paste.

Nice apple wine for you an' me,
take some to fight off the cold,
Ben is ready to buy for a fee,
but it`s free an' not to be sold.

CONTEST:" Apple Pickin' Time " sponsored by Isaiah Zerbst.

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Midnight Snack

I have a craving
Yes, I do.
It’s not for cake or
Beef fondue.

When midnight comes ‘round
I must eat,
So I run out to
Search the street.

And in one crazy
Madd’ning dash,
I rummage thru the
Dirty trash.

For anything that
Smells real foul
And makes me wanna
Hoot and howl!

Old, cold spaghetti,
Flies on meat
And rotten omelettes
Are a treat.

Some slimy sardines
In the can.
Or dried out pizza,
I’m a fan!

Green gobs of cheese on
Cabbage heads
Are quite delicious
With stale bread.

An alley cat that’s
Prowling late
Makes perfect kebobs-
On my plate.

And it’s a prime night
When I snatch
Up juicy maggots,
In one batch!

Yum, there’s my dessert-
Hot and sweet.
Old stinky sneakers
Can’t be beat!

Huh?  What’s that you say?
This all sounds
Way too gross when I
Make my rounds?

Well, wait.  I really
Thought you knew,
It’s what us monsters
Like to do!

By Susan Burd ©2012

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When Noah gathered creatures pair by pair In a barge ready to face the rough storm Giraffe and wife joined a sail to nowhere; As waters growled high, till moon grew deformed With nothing to frolic with, amidst the flood Giraffes delighted in hush of ashen dark Mating frequently on arc's trodden halls. New animals born, how can they embark And others followed despite bold rainfalls The Lord shocked, watching full procreation Said He, “ I forgot this extra supply Count the babes ,while I slow the sea’s motion, Why did I say, go forth and multiply?” .................. For Robert Heemstra and Poetess Darkly's Lessons In Life Are Funny Contest by nette onclaud

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Moose is Loose

The moose is loose.
He just got out.
I don’t know why
He roams about.

Just last night
At half past ten
He wriggled out
From his moose pen.

He wondered ‘round
The neighbor’s yards
And watched them while
They played at cards.

It took ‘til two
To bring him back
And put him in
His cozy sack.

And now he’s on
The loose again.
Oh how, oh why
Oh where or when?

A loose moose is
‘Up to no good’
While roaming through
The neighborhood.

What could he want?
Where can he be?
Oh no, not there!
What’s that I see?

Inside the house
Of Mr. Midge,
He’s standing at
An open fridge.

I can’t believe
My tired eyes-
What my moose did-
I tell no lies.

He reached inside
The old fridge door,
Took out the juice;
Sat on the floor,

Then chugged it down-
Let out a burp;
My moose is such
A sloppy twerp!

He sucked it dry,
Then wiped his mouth.
I think I’ll ship
Him somewhere south.

“Get out here now,
But clean up first!”
I can’t believe
This moose’s thirst.

“If Mr. Midge
Knows it was you,
He’ll turn you in
To jars of glue.”

He left moose tracks
Out on the lawn.
We must be quick
It’s almost dawn!

"A wild moose chase
You led me on-
Tomorrow you
May well be gone!"

"Now I know why
Dear Uncle Jake
Got rid of you-
For heaven’s sake!"

“Go back to bed
You menace moose.”
And all this for
A glass of juice!

Susan Burd ©2012

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My Ducks Quack Just Won't Come back

My pet duck Stanley, boy what a pet is he
They say in a cave his echo, won’t come back to me
Now Stanley is not just a duck, he is special through and through
I am sure he could raise an echo not just for me, but you too…

The thing about ducks is, there is a myth
That in an echo chambers there not a whiff
Not a sight or sound of a duck's quack 
When it quacks its loudest one, it doesn’t echo back…

Stanley, we taught him from a duckling how to swim,
He had a yellow string tied on to him
There were Pikes with big teeth in the place where he swam
We wanted to make him as safe as we can.

He learnt to quack whenever he was afraid
Because that’s what ducks do, that’s how they’re made
He is such a clever duck I can assure you of that
And I am sure if he quacks in a cave, his echo will come back.

Off to Wookey cave one day went we
Stanley sat quietly upon my knee
Into the dark and cavernous cave
Stanley waddled in, oh so clever, oh so brave…

To test the myth of a ducks quack having no echo
We needed Stanley to quack, and quack just so…
He turned and looked when I made the request
As if to say you are nuts - and that is at best…

Stanley would not, now, quack for me 
He waddled on in and sat down so comfortably
I cajoled, I pleaded, I begged on my knees
Just one quack for me Stanley only one… please.

He tucked his head under his wing oh so white 
I thought perhaps if I gave him a fright
I started to talk of duck fried and crispy
Or orange sauce pouring and lips smacking quickly…

Stanley turned and looked at me with disgust
He got up and waddled off, shaking the dust
I have never seen Stanley from that day to this
He never returned like the echoing myth…

If you see a white duck with a yellow string on his leg
Tell him to return home, unlike his echo… I said
I promise I will never try to test the quacking myth any more
I just want to see Stanley walk back through my door. 

© ~GG~30/10/2102

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Did You Know

Humans blink over ten million times Each and every year of their lives So keep those eyelids watered real good Sad movies will get rid of dry eyes Not being married can shorten a man's life By maybe ten years or more Being married can also shorten a man's life By twenty years, I'm pretty sure The most used expression in any language Is the positive and upbeat “OK” Standing on top of a mountain you can see A lit match 50 miles away Ants will stretch when waking each morning Like sneezing, it feels so damn good Camel's three eyelids protect them from sand They should think of wearing a hood Some scientists say that the higher your IQ The more you will dream at night Yours truly even dreams throughout the day Bumping into things gives me a fright The average iceberg weighs 20 million tons What kind of a scale do they use Urged my large friend to maybe investigate It upset him and he vehemently refused Some people baptize their baby in beer Gives them a problem with booze Out of every pore in their overweight bodies The alcohol continues to ooze Camels can survive in the desert for 3 months Without water, now how bout that Of course a lot of them had to join AA Drinking beer out of very big vats The electric chair was invented by a dentist Why we try, their appointments, to miss Some lions mate more than fifty times a day And I was born a human, boo hiss! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Toaster Strudel Trochee

<                                       Toaster Strudel - Trochee

                                        I just crave toaster strudel
                                        Piping hot pastry
                                        Cool icing so can doodle
                                        Kellogg's bakery

                                        So get to popping me one 
                                        Time to used noodle
                                        Pop tarts boring just no fun
                                        Choose toaster strudel

Meter: 7/5/7/5 
Rhyme Scheme: a/b/c/b or a/b/a/b

The meter is trochee, which means alternating stressed and unstressed beats in each line, with each line beginning and ending in a stressed syllable. This is a simple lyrical type little poem, so rhymes will be basic, nothing fancy. The poem itself should give a description of something of interest to the poet and often the meter lends itself to humor, much as a limerick does. There is not a set number of these quatrain type stanzas, but a typical 7/5 Trochee would consist of two quatrains, with the second stanza serving to tie up the idea presented in the first stanza.

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The Belated Debutante

My mother will be so excited
She's been planin' the party for years
Invitations all say "He's Come of Age!"
It'll sure bring my poor Mom to tears.

Now the invites will have to be sorted
Cause some on the list, they have died.
Others have moved and others don't care,
Now matter how hard they have tried.

I wish I could please my poor mama,
After high school and college and war,
She hoped and she prayed I'd be comin' of age,
But the child in me still yearned for more.

So mama dear mama I love ya
And although I'm wrinkled and stout,
You'd better get used to my livin' right here
Cause I don't think I'll ever move out!

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A Little Riddle

Ah yes, ‘tis such a pleasure
to those who know the lack of it it.
A relief beyond measure,
to those who have the knack of it.

It’s timing can often be hilarious,
though company may frown on it,
because it’s considered nefarious,
And the uppity class is down on it.

An action most taken for granted,
It’s importance unheeded.
It’s social acceptance is slanted,
though medically needed.

Just one hint and we’re back to the start
In public it’s worse than a slurp,
Now don’t put the horse after the cart,
I’m talking about a … burp.


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Rocky XII

My name's Rocky Balboa,
Some say I'm old as soil;
An' if you call me punchy,
My blood begins to boil!

Mickey's gone to heaven,
Apollo and Adrian too;
Now I'm stuck with Paulie,
A bum without a clue!

I'll wake up in da' morning,
Right at da' crack of dawn;
Shuffle for a block or two,
An' pass out on da' lawn!

"Yo Paulie!"..."Where are you?!"
It's time to start our day;
Don't forget da' liniment,
I only use Ben-Gay!

Let me box my shadow,
For 'dis I have a knack;
"Whoa!!"...I must be crazy,
My shadow punched me back!!

"Drop 'dat Seagram's, Paulie!"
Come help me to da' ring;
Did you pack my 'focals?
'Cause I can't see a thing!

I float like a fire truck,
Sting like a flea;
My feet are tired an' swollen,
Sit ups make me pee!

Ev'ry time I skip rope,
My feet get tangled up;
Who says I need a mouthpiece?
My teeth are in 'dat cup!

Da' punchin' bag's too lumpy,
Push ups makes me sick;
I think I'm gettin' dizzy,
"Somebody help me, quick!!"

I had my millionth fight,
It didn't go too well;
I couldn't leave my corner,
'Cause I never heard da' bell!

Put 'dis one in da' books,
I'm feelin' like a fool;
Have you ever seen a boxer,
Get knocked out on his stool?!

It's time to go home, Paulie!"
We'll never quit 'dis scene;
Get ready for da' sequel,
I'll see you in 'Thirteen!'

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Frog in My Throat

There’s a frog in my throat.
I can’t get him out.
So I cough and I gag
And wriggle about.

But he’s stuck way in back
And won’t budge at all;
Not even when I run
Real fast in the hall.

So I turn upside down
And walk on my hands
Just hoping he’ll jump up
From out of my glands.

When I’m back on my feet,
He’s still stuck inside-
Now croaking and joking
As I open wide.

There’s only one sure thing
To shake this frog loose-
That’s to get a tall glass
Of honeyfly juice.

I open the fridge and
Then swallow it quick.
“Croak, Ribbit,”  Hop, hop . . .
Ahhhhh!  That did the trick!

By Susan Burd © 2012

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A Rare Phenomenon

A rare phenomenon in these here parts This odd meteorological display A large scary object appeared in the sky Hovering over us to our dismay What could it be, are we all gonna die Have a feeling the end is near Gather the kiddies and head for the hills About swallowed my dentures I fear The thing's so bright we shield our eyes With designer type shades by Dior Can't remember being this damn scared Terrified right down to my core Then I heard on the six o'clock news Weather will be great so have fun Explaining this real scary occurrence It's the object we know as the sun © Jack Ellison 2012

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I fear that I'm obsessed with clothes
and maybe shoes as well
always looking for something new
or a bargain in the sale!

My wardrobe's fit to overflow
but I seem to just add more!
Perhaps one day its doors will burst
and spill my clothes upon the floor!

Brian Strand's contest '2, 4, 6 or 8 line contest' 

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Happy Father's Day Mom,
Without you this day would be,
Completely non-existant;
This day just would not be.

Dad is great, don't get me wrong,
I think that he is grand.
He's always there to play some game,
Spend time or lend a hand.

He taught me how to cast a line,
When we go out fishing.
He taught me how to speak my mind,
That there's no gain in wishing.

I don't think I'll e'er repay,
All that he's done for me.
I know for sure in all the world,
There's no one just like he.

I'd like to give him something,
To show there's none like he;
But you already did that,
On the day you gave him me.

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Pucker Up

Wanna move up the ladder fast?
I'll tell you what to do;
Run to the boss's office,
And shine those dirty shoes!

Are your fingers stout enough,
To massage his smelly feet?
Clip those crusted toe nails,
Make sure they're nice and neat!

Hang around the time clock,
Snitch on those who's late;
Spend more time in the lunchroom,
Scrubbin' those greasy plates!

Volunteer for overtime,
Never seek a penny more;
Bring up the morning papers,
Deliver 'em to his door!

Walk his ugly dogs,
Drag 'em at least a mile;
Find someone to baby sit,
You'll be gone for a while!

Show up when you're ailing,
No matter how dark or drab;
Take him out for dinner,
Be sure to pick up the tab!

Drive his wife to the mall,
She's bound to get a thrill;
Make sure she's extra happy,
When you ask to pay the bill!

Wash their dirty laundry,
Maintain that sculpted lawn;
Sleep is just a fairy tale;
You're workin' up 'til dawn!   

Take his kids to the zoo,
Let 'em drive you up a wall;
If they throw rocks at a camel,
Be sure to take the fall!

Get ready for a let down,
Kissin' up won't take you far;
Bosses ain't really stupid,
But boy, they know YOU are!!  

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Jack's Beard

Had a beard since nineteen sixty-two Hate to think what's underneath Might even be a family of boat people Maybe an old Christmas wreath Heard that it's even quite possible Animals have been known to survive In the depth of my hairy countenance Where they multiply and thrive Haven't felt much movement lately Though sometimes I feel a twinge Perhaps whatever is living in there May have gone on a drunken binge Bottom line is I'll still have this beard When they lower me into the ground Don't dare shave it off for fear little beasties Will leap out and scurry around © Jack Ellison 2012

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Four Eyes

I think it’s such an amusing insult.
Aye, it’s baffled me. Bullies call me Four
Eyes. I’m supposed to cry as a result?
Ay me. They’re vexed when I laugh from the floor.

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Hey There Tubby

I get on my bike and I pedal for hours You'd think I'd be skinny by now Ha! Not a chance my belly's still fat I look like an over stuffed sow Pants are so large they could sail a boat As the mast on the big ocean blue People are cruel and say “Hey there Tubby!” “Better stay away from the stew!” Try not to show how much it bothers me Saying, “Your mother dresses you funny!” But deep down inside I've lost all my pride To be skinny I'd give lots of money My scale says, “One at a time please!” I kick it in anger 'cross the room I've no one to blame for getting this way It's the buckets of food I consume So call me a fatty or call me a tub But don't call be late for my chow I'll soon get serious about losing this fat But it's just not the time right now! © Jack Ellison 2012 This was written before I went on a mission and lost 30 pounds!

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Blast it!  I’m blasted.
I feel it in my roots.
I feel it in these withered limbs
That used to be young shoots!

Blast it!  I’m blasted.
How fleet my time has been.
I want to feel it springtime. . .
And to blossom once again!

Blast it!  I’m blasted
And feeling so afraid,
For what am I without strong arms 
Spread wide to offer shade?

Blast it!  I’m blasted.
The blasted doctor said
That surgery was wasted
On the dying nearly dead!

Blast it!  I’m blasted.
Invaded by a mold,
I’ll have to be cut down
Because I’m just too blasted old!

For  Contest: This is how life feels when you get to be my age...
And now for PD's one word contest. PD, this is the first one that
comes up in my list with a one word title. I hope you like it!

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Back To The Sillies

So here I go, back to the sillies Jumping in with both my footsies Clear the decks, full steam ahead Hope I don't hurt my tootsies! The world's my oyster as they say I don't like that incantation Think I'll use another term Like the world is my crustacean! I'm just as happy as a pig in poop Have you never heard that before? It's really an absolute favourite of mine Going to use it a whole lot more! Never know what's coming out I just hope and pray that it's clean Don't wanna get kicked off the lovely site For something that's really obscene! Which came first, the chicken or egg? Bet you don't even have a clue So you're not the brightest bulb in the pack Did you ever get past grade two? Okay! Enough of this silly nonsense I must go lie down for a while My oversized brain is hurting real bad Need to get back my radiant smile! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Very Punny, Very Punny

The little old woman who lived in a shoe Wasn't the sole owner Apparently there were strings attached Wow that was a real groaner I have never been a big fan of archery Too many drawbacks, for me Rookie pirates make terrible singers Can't really hit the high seas For plumbers a flush sure beats a full house And I'm not talking poker here Have you heard about that origami store The damn thing folded it appears In a room where the curtains were drawn The rest of the furniture was real Love means nothing to tennis players Doesn't have a lot of appeal The butcher backed into the meat grinder And got a little behind in his work Heard it before but it's one of the good ones Let's celebrate and pop the cork Do you know the real definition of a will It's a dead giveaway ... grrrrooooaaaannnn © Jack Ellison 2013

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Sweet Relief

If you should find,
On one hot day,
Late in July,
While out to play

You’re hot as heck
And sweatin’ bad;
Don’t have a fit
Or get all mad.

Just listen to 
My sweet advice,
So next time you
Won’t pay the price:

In December,
This very year,
When nights are cold
And crystal clear,

You gotta think
Like smart kids do
And organize
Your snowball crew.

Avoid all spots
Where it’s yellow-
That might surely
Kill a fellow.

Scout for the snow
That’s purest white,
Make at least ten
And pack ‘em tight.

Then take them home-
So mom can’t see-
And stash those balls
Where they should be-

Way back inside,
Behind the beef;
The freezer hides
Them from a thief.

Then next year as
July rolls ‘round,
When brains could melt
Into the ground,

Gather your friends
And dig ice balls
Out from inside
The freezer walls.

Mix up some juice
And soda pop,
Pour over ice
Up to the top.

Then have a taste.
You’ll feel no grief
As you have found
Some sweet relief!

By Susan Burd ©2012

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Things are going to plan
The timer is set, all is going well
The scene is set no one about
This plan is working swell.

Just time to get ready
Get things just right
The moon is up, the stars are out
This is going to be my night...

Wine is poured the timer goes
A knock comes at the door
Not expecting anyone
I wonder what they are knocking for...

Quickly I deal with the timer
The door bell then suddenly rings
I don’t want the company 
I am doing other things...

It is friends, they just walk in
I am frustrated and I am now shaken 
My night of indulgence is now over
As my new baked sausage rolls are taken

© 11/01/2013

Contest Entry:

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Girl Of My Dreams

Been searching high, been searching low For a gal I could spend my life with Found one but she's got a pimply bum And real bad breath, take a whiff! She's no dreamboat, sunken ship perhaps She walks with a limp and she stutters I've just got no luck, in a quandary I'm stuck Soon be old and decrepit, and I mutter Maybe it's me that might be the problem No Adonis though at one time I thought so Just coz I dribble and spit in the street Down inside I'm really quite sweet though! Surely there's a chance that I'll find her soon They say there's a mate for all lovers I'm sure she's out there, a gal I'd be proud of Not one that has wings and can hover! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Peggy Ann

I knew a girl named Peggy Ann
Who turned three shades of mean
Whenever she saw vegetables
With any hint of green.

Bibb lettuce made her curl her toes;
String beans made her lips purse.
Cooked broccoli just grossed her out
And peas were even worse.

No matter what her mother served
Upon her dinner plate,
Poor Peggy Ann would start a fuss
That ended with debate.

She’d whine and whimper all the time
For something else to eat,
So she was given some dessert
Which changed her back to sweet.

And after weeks and weeks of this,
She started to fill out.
Then as the months began to mound
Sweet Peggy Ann grew stout.

When she got too big for the house,
They moved her to the barn,
Along side of the wooly sheep
Where she could spin some yarn.

And when she turned too sickening sweet,
The sheep were kind of glad.
Her own stench sweetened up the joint-
It wasn’t all that baaaaad!

By Susan Burd © 2011

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Blue Moonies

I was sitting in my chair one day Not a single care in the world My wife came by and mooned me! The room began to whirl and twirl Almost swallowed my dentures The shock made me quiver and quake Wasn't sure this old body of mine Would be strong enough to take My moustache curled, began to sweat I asked her in a plaintiff tone “Why d'ya want to shock me like that? My heart isn't made of stone!” She laughed and said, “Didn't you notice What was scrawled across me bum?” Said, “Have a very Merry Christmas And good will to everyone!” © Jack Ellison 2012

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Diet starts Monday

Time to change myself once more
It's my mantra every Sunday
Be good with food and have less wine
This always starts on Monday

Commence with gentle exercise
And eat a smaller ration
By Tuesday this is going well
I'm full of strength and passion

It's Wednesday I am feeling weak
I want to drink some claret
I tell myself to carry on
So instead I eat a carrot

I put myself to bed that night
Hoping not to suffer
Tomorrow is another day
Of course I'll be much tougher

By Thursday I am back on track
I'm feeling rather dandy
I force myself to eat less snacks
And have a little brandy

By Friday it is getting tough
I'm feeling so much weaker
I pour a glass of cold crisp wine
And then fill another beaker

Come Saturday I am off the plan
I've gelled into my sofa
I fill my face with tasty treats
And turn in to a loafer

The sabbath day I carry on
I may as well keep eating 
Hereafter I will start again
And do it without cheating

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Dem Bones

Your toe bone's connected to your foot bone That's usually how this ditty begins Continuing on up there's your ankle bone Commonly known as your shin If you ever get kicked in your shin bone You'll feel what is known as pain Your eyes will cross and you'll wet yourself Never wanna feel that again Better to have your finger nails ripped out With pliers and no anesthetic Though that can be really painful as well But ankle pain makes you frenetic You'll utter words you didn't know you knew But some will likely need deciphering Probably create some new ones of your own Block the ears of all the wee kidlings Now if your ankle and head bones are connected You've had some terrible mishap Suggest you see a surgeon right away Or your ass could wind up in your lap! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Sister Wife And Uncle Brother

Sister wife and Uncle brother,
didn't really like each other,
so they left it up to me,
which one I liked the best you see.

Sister wife, now she could cook,
not too bad with line and hook,
but Uncle brother had good traits,
why he could name all 40 states!

Both of them were good in bed,
least that's what Cousin mommy said,
but Sister wife she had one ace,
and that there was her purty face.

Her eyes are green, and blue and brown,
one of them looks off toward town,
and she has no hair beneath,
her lovely, crooked yellow teeth.

Uncle brother, he's my friend,
I'll love him to the very end,
but he stops to scratch his britches,
'cause he says it always itches.

It is so embarrassing,
to watch him scratching at that thing,
but what am I supposed to do,
when Sister wife helps scratch it too?

Sister wife and Uncle brother,
suddenly they like each other!
I guess it's just a lucky me,
that has a great big family!

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Making Conversation

I struggle with conversation,
what to say I'm never sure
and after introductions
I can't think of any more!

A comment on the weather,
'it's cold for the time of year'
or 'how's work going at the moment?'
is all I can manage I fear.

I'm not one for idle chatter,
don't seem to have the knack,
to engage in conversation
with small talk I do lack.

The thought of talking scares me
nerves turn my mind to mush!
I obviously need more practice
but it's been easier just to hush!

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Chocolaty Conversation

Chocolate is nasty
Chocolate is sin
It is insipid
It’ll do me in

Chocolate is yucky
Chocolate is vile
It makes me happy
But just for a while!

Chocolate is poison
Chocolate is pain
First I was sexy
Now big as a train!

“Chocolate, I hate you
Chocolate, you suck
I used to be sleek
Now a waddling duck!

Chocolate, be banished
Chocolaty sweets….
It’s because of YOU
I’ll soon take up two seats!

Chocolate, release me
Chocolate….DON’T YOU DARE! 
Life can be bitter
I need you….be there!

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Bubble Gum

I found a piece of bubble gum
Hid underneath my lamp.
It must have been stuck under there
When I came home from camp.

I popped it in, began to chew;
At first it was real dry.
But it became so sweet and warm,
And sure was worth the try.

That hidden piece gave me a thrill
As I began to blow,
And looked into the mirror as
I had a bubble show.

I blew two, sweet enormous orbs
That shimmered as they grew,
But then they popped and dropped straight down,
And landed on my shoe.

I guess this piece still needs some time;
I’ll wait until its gold.
Anyone knows it blows best
When it’s near six months old!

By Susan Burd © 2011

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Thufferin Thuccotath

Thufferin thuccotayh... that's dethpicable! Of courth you know thith meanth war!!! Did I hear you thay I thound like Daffy Duck? Thure no mithaking my dethpicable roar! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Christmas madness

Twas a few days before Christmas, shoppers
dazed and bewildered, wandered through the store
selecting groceries from off the shelves,
paying for purchases, minds are elsewhere.
In quick succession, three people stepped out
there in front of my cart - could not stop quick
so each  was hit gently, not one was hurt
just dumbfounded why I ran into them!

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                                               Movie theater crowded. 
                                                   Abdomen bubbles,
                                               a scent delivers troubles,
                                      the scent strikes with brass knuckles
                                           the man who dealt it chuckles.
                               People pinch their noses and squints their eyes.
                            the man who dealt it continued to eat his cheese fries,
                         someone yells, were in the move theater cant you realize!

By: Elliott Bowe
Sponsor:Destroyer ~ Poet

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Nostradamus' Protegé

The Bride to be, first upon the red planet
To lead a force of three among rocky pits
Cloaked in brilliant white, face of golden glass
Upon the face of the god of war she now sits.

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Crazy Thoughts No 3

Children laugh four hundred times a day
We adults at the most laugh fifteen
Try to copy these young whipper snappers
But watch you don't rupture your spleen

The biggest predictor of love is proximity
That makes a whole lot of sense
If your lying next to an unclothed woman
Sexually you might feel a bit tense

According to the latest poll about habits
Men shower more often than women
That's a really charming romantic statistic
Who cares if they're stinkier than men

The world's tallest man was eight foot eleven
Passed away at the age of twenty-one
Looked down his nose at almost everything
'Cept giraffes who couldn't be outdone

Women supposedly mature faster than men
But they surely don't have as much fun
We will still be acting like a bunch of yahoos
When they close the lid and we're done

Women really excel at parking a car
But on the freeway it's a whole different matter
While putting on makeup at 80 miles an hour
The main concern is blood splatter

A whole big batch of Valentines are exchanged
You would think I'd get more than one
But imagine if the one card that I did receive
Was from Jennifer Aniston

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Fly on the Wall

I woke up before
The cat and the mouse.
When the sun came up
At Henderson’s house.

Martha is baking,
I must take a taste
Of batter splatters.
They can’t go to waste!

The TV is on.
I’ll take a quick look.
Wait!  I smell a crumb
In Martha’s cook book.

The trash can is full-
It’s calling my name.
I think I will play
The grub diving game.

Yum! That hit the spot.
Yawn, I need a nap.
I’ll catch a quick snooze
On Johnny’s ball cap.

The view is the best
Up on the brick wall;
I listen to Martha
Gab on her tenth call.

I zip and I buzz.
Baby is napping.
There’s juicy gossip-
Martha’s still yapping.

It’s stuffy in here-
Need fresh air right now,
So I will fly out
To dance on a cow.

The farm yard is great
The cow patties - sweet
But I smell baked goods
Warm, ready to eat.

The window is open,
There’s milk in a glass,
My dessert awaits me,
Today’s been a gas!

That pie’s on the sill-
I’ll take a few bites.
What’s that?  Swat, swat, splat!
Eeeeewww, out went my lights!

By Susan Burd © 2012

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Ice Cream For Seniors

Got an ice cream cone in one hand While typing with the other Why does ice cream make us seniors Keep on begging for another! Isn't ice cream only for kiddies? Wow! That's surely not the case Seen old folks down a chocolate sundae Beg for more with a messy face! Maybe it makes us feel younger Or it's simply just a treat As we lick away like a spaniel A sensation that can't be beat! Not shy about our craving We'd fight for another scoop There's other ways to try it Imagine ice cream in vegetable soup? So stay away from old folks When they're lining up for some They'll push and shove and step on you For a scoop of butterscotch rum! © Jack Ellison 2012

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12 o'clock 12 o'clock 12 o'clock

12 o'clock... 12 o'clock... 12 o'clock! How does one set the damn clock Had to put a sheet on my new clock radio To get the damn flashing to stop Thought I was smart, quite intelligent But technology has me all bamboozled Tried reading the manual that comes with the unit To comprehend, from my brain came refusal My smart ass ten year old nephew came by "Not a problem dear uncle, I'll fix it" A minute and a half later, the damn flashing stopped Felt dorkish and kind of a twit My fervent prayer which I offer without malice That technology buries this young geek In a deluge of bits and bytes and firewalls Till no longer he can get a night's sleep! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Should winter cometh before roses bleed wouldst thou be fair and warm mistress’ fire? Alas, waiting wife desires the same need to float upon the night her sparrow’s lyre. I pray thee, wash away the night’s coldness Till we lay on thick mat and yield to time, with secrets that moon shalt guard our madness thou art mine though we hide fine bliss of wine. But lo! Thy old dame searches for Lord’s name clanging gates with neighs, her face known to all Whilst she rages of us; townsfolk cry, “ shame!” On eve’s folly, tryst doth claim fools’ toll! . …….. . Contest: Lisa Cooper’s I Want Some Old English Scandal

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Talking in my Sleep

I am known to talk in my sleep
Instead of counting little sheep
I giggle and I laugh out loud
You’d think that I was in a crowd

The laughing might jolt me awake
I need my sleep, for heaven’s sake
But I expound on some grammar rule
And yell at students in some school

Last night I laughed so hard I ached
Got told off by my grumpy mate
From the bedroom I was banished
My hope of getting Zsss just vanished

Can’t help it if I talk at night
Much like I do during daylight
I guess the poor guy needs a break
To alleviate his poor headache

I wonder sometimes what I say
Do I give some secret away?
What if I moan someone’s name?
Asking him to be wild not tame?

Oh dear, oh dear, I need to find
Someway to close this mouth of mine
Or else my laughter will turn to tears
And I’ll be alone through coming years!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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Vaulting Vic

Pole vaulting Vic was really good
At winning every meet.
He had enormous quadriceps
And two fast, mighty feet.

His challengers worked extra hard
And tried most every trick,
But all their efforts were no match
For his quick vaulting stick.

‘Cause each time he leapt in a game,
He raised the vaulting bar.
And no opponent surpassed him-
Vic was a vaulting star.

They put his name on flying flags
And printed T-shirts, too.
Most every kid wanted a pair
Of his fantastic shoes.

The star appeared on mass TV
And floated in parades.
His head filled with celebrity;
Slick Vic had made the grades!

Yet on the day of the World Meet
It seemed they all were tricked-
How high would Vic the Vaulter fly?
Not one man could predict.

The audience was jittery.
Fans came from near and far
And focused their binoculars
On the fast rising star.

The crowd gave him a final cheer
Then watched with gazing eyes
As Vic sprang into quick action
And headed for the skies.

He raised his pole and took straight aim,
Then sprinting with no fear,
Vic catapulted straight into
The clear blue atmosphere.

His vault was best, but it was bad-
He won’t be back by noon,
NASA reports that Vaulting Vic’s
Still orbiting the moon!

By Susan Burd © 2012

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Quacks Like A Duck

I've written about chickens with big fat legs Told of eating my way through the fridge My psychiatrist says I'm really quite normal Though I feel unbalanced, a smidge I've heard of a place, can't remember where They can treat an affliction like mine Problem is though, it means a lobotomy Sends a quake up and down my spine Don't wanna be mumbling naughty verses As I wander the streets in my socks Or talking about inappropriate subjects Like armpits, halitosis or snots One reviewer said I was absolute bonkers But still sings along with my songs Seems like she might have the same affliction Methinks both of our mind's long gone The bottom line to all this nonsense Not much can be done so I'm stuck Wearing this crown of a silly old jester And quacking all day like a duck © Jack Ellison 2013

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Your Gluteus Maximus

“May I fondle your gluteus maximus milady?” “Why you certainly may, my good sir” “A bucket like yours with such voluptuous curves Starts me tingling and me motor to purr” “Let us meander behind that tree over there We can let our sweet passion flow Bid a farewell to our inhibitions so to speak And share in the light of love's glow” “Now my kind sir, may I ask you a favour I wish you would progress a bit further The way you fondle I find quite exhilarating Can't help myself yelling bloody murder!” At that very moment a small crowd did appear They were clapping and cheering us on So we sheepishly pulled up our pantaloons As our moment of passion was gone The moral of the story is really quite simple When fondling a lady's glutimus max Make sure you're alone and don't gather a crowd It can certainly detract from your act © Jack Ellison 2013

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Superstitions for the Feeble-Minded

Don’t say that, you better knock on wood
It’s bad to spread misfortune aloud, in front of others
Don’t you know any better? Karma and jinxing are real
Hey! And get off that crack, you’ll break your mama’s back

It’s not so bad to spread misfortune aloud, in front of others
For those who did wrong doing to me and my loved ones
Hey! I’m glad to see you’re standing on that crack.
By the way send your dear mother my sincerest regards

And for those who did wrong doing to me and my loved ones
You should lasso the words escaping your mouth
Send your dear mother my sincerest regards
Just tell her I said it must blow having a child like you

You should hog tie those words before they escape your mouth
Sticks and stones could break bones, words, well they just sting
It must blow for your mom having such a shitty child, sting!
Sorry for the news flash but nobody likes you

Sticks and stones will break your bones, words just tingle
Oh you didn’t know any better?  Karma and Jinxing are real
News flash! The world is better off without the likes of you
That’s why you shouldn’t say that, did you knock on wood yet?

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Swimming the dark sea

Such pain, such pain this poor heart's born,
with so little pleasures in return, 
much gifts it has bestowed, unearned 
now, here it lies; morose, forlorn

Alas, alas, what curse has brought this
wrath upon such an innocent soul,
its spirit broken by this tragic role
like Atlas or more so, Sisyphus

Fall down again from feet to knees
to plumb the dark and dreary depths,
the length and seemingly infinite breadth
of this warm, salty sea of self-pity
These murky waters, born from tears
these waves and tides that chop and churn,
these silent sobs leave one to yearn
for one small thing; a tender ear

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Silly Nonsense

Time for some silly nonsense Cause I'm feeling extra silly Sometimes it just overtakes me But this time it's a dilly Maybe I'll put a shade on my head Pretend I'm at a party Maybe tell some off colour jokes Or dress up like a Nestle's Smartie Might even perform some ballet In my pretty pink tutu I'll frolic Or prance around in my birthday suit Like an out of control alcoholic Hey now I'm getting into the mood Better hide the little kiddies I lose control when I feel like this My head spins and I get all giddy There's really only one thing I can do When this takes over my bod Go lie down for a couple of days D'ya think I'm kinda odd? © Jack Ellison 2013

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My Swan Song

Has the Golden Girl sung her final song?
As the mute swan was said to have all along
The mute swan never sings or sounds even as a tucket*
Except apparently when it finally kicks the bucket

Am I Cassandra, who has sung her final lament
Is this what some are waiting for so they needn't comment
Socrates said that Swans sing in there young life
But never as beautiful as in their dying strife…

In actual fact mute swans aren’t t mute, they hiss
I think all this time someone’s taken the *iss
Pliny the elder, shows the dying swan singing is a myth
So we ought to take notice of this now and  forthwith

So for my Swan song, my last melodious attempt
To sing and delight please don’t treat with contempt.
My Swan song is here just before I lie down and die
But just like the mute Swan singing,  this is also a lie.

© 9/11/2012 ~GG~

*tucket  a bugle call

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Long Live Love

A toss of the head
A flick of her hair
The wave of her hand
As her beauty did flare
Her bountiful step
The spring in her stride
Her laugh as we waked 
Hand in hand through the tide
Her mouth with its smile
As we wrote in the sand
Her cries of frustration
As sea coated the land
Those little I love yous
Meant so much back then
That on annual vacations
We repeat them again
For least we forget 
In the daily ado
Our marrital vows
Mean forever I do

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Your Resident Clown

I love to laugh no question bout that Clowning and being absurd D'ya hear the one bout a girl and a sailor Limericks got lotsa bad words How is laughter defined in the dictionary Beside it, there's a picture of Jack With a cute definition that reads like this Very nice but a bit outta whack Sure don't appreciate that nasty last line May not be an Einstein or a Gates But still have other redeeming factors Hot dogs? I can eat twenty-eight In our local community I'm surely loved They think there's nobody sweeter Ride a motorized cart round the stores Once maimed a Walmart greeter Bottom line is to this crazy nonsense No doubt I'm a fun loving jester But I can get quite belligerent at times And give you a very rude gesture © Jack Ellison 2012

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Redeye Gravy

Now sits the redeye gravy in the pan
It certainly is not at all like jam
Mom made it years ago  for her man
Fry some country ham, pour  coffee bam

Never knew why it was called redeye
Then my grandson informed me just why
Men who had been out late had bleareye
Who looked like they had been drip-dry

I always thought that it was because
It had dark red color from drippings
In my home it  got an applause
I thought that it was God's blessings

I learned my husband doesn't like it
My grandson doesn't like redeye gravy
When I make it only make a bit
Always redeye gravy left heavy

Today decided to place on grits
Feed to the cats see if they like it
Now cat is running around won't sit
I guess that caffeine gave them lift

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An Extraordinary Beauty Pageant

Our community is holding a beauty pageant
Which is not that uncommon, right?
But the difference is, this pageant ain't for girls
Hang on, try to picture this sight
To be eligible to enter our little competition
You must be breathing just a tad
But here's a thing that's just a little bit different
To enter you must possess great abs!

Fortunately I'm blessed with a body to die for
So the others won't stand a chance
When it comes to the evening gown competition
So stunning, a sure winner at a glance

The thrill and excitement just boggles my mind
The big networks will all be there
David Letterman will likely interview the winner
You'll be famous and known everywhere

Right on schedule, the alarm clock goes off
Ending my thrilling little adventure
As I get up, yawn, and stagger past my mirror
I flash my pearly white dentures!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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“Cuddles” is what I affectionately call her This sweet little darling of mine No other word can describe this beauty She's a lovely, she's sweet, she's divine She's here to grant me my every wish Never asking for anything back My life, my soul, my reason for living Peace and contentment I don't lack Betcha can't guess who this is about A doggie or a kitten or a bunny Guess correctly and you'll win the prize Three kisses from me on next Sunday “Cuddles” is an absolute real charmer On this soul she doth lovingly dote Guys lounging round in their Jockey shorts Know it's “Cuddles” my TV remote! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Whatta Bozo

When it comes to modern technology The word “bozo” suits me to a “T” I quiver and shake and tremble all over When my computer asks questions of me! Think to myself “If you're so damn smart Why are you asking this old guy? I'm back in the days of peck-peck-peck On my typewriter listening to hi-fi!” I'm at an age when the brain doesn't work The way it did way back when Wait a minute, I'm not sure this old brain Was that brilliant even back then! Some of us guys were born to be techies I'm just happy being real simple Totally content in my own little world All the girls just love my dimples! I may be a bozo but I'm a happy bozo Not familiar with that techie talk Made it this far without hurting my brain Technology's a total crock! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Dining in the Everglades

Kind-hearted, loving and compassionate
Dane Ann would jump through hoops to please a friend
But by a treacherous quest she’s beset
In Everglades’ swamps she wants to descend

She seems to think she can take photographs
Of huge alligators and crocodiles
And though Dane Ann has many well-honed crafts
When I speak of the danger, she just smiles

On shore gators run 50 miles per hour
So two mature ladies won’t pose a threat
Their teeth so sharp, personalities dour 
One look at us their appetites would whet

Dear friend, I’ll take you where you want to go
Because I care very much – je t’adore
You want close-up shots; the fear in me grows
As gators draw near, will you shut the car door?

*Je t’adore is French for “I love you.”
Dedicated to Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen who thinks she can outrun the gators :)

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Suck It And Read

Now where does one start to write
To find the courage he has to pluck
And write a poem for a contest
It's all about things that suck

Out there, there are so many places
Where this word can always be used
There are octopuses in our seas
And their suckers are used so true

Even in the medical world
They use leeches to reduce blood swelling
Their active anticoagulant
Is a marvel in their telling

There are women of ill repute
Nothing like sucking on a sweet
A hard neck never deters them
Vampire bats do it to eat

There are others in the animal world
Yes, limpets when they grip their locked
And back to the ladies and fellatio
Yes the sweetie I meant was rock

Then there are the ones who are gullible
Like a vacuum they become sucked in
There is nothing wrong with the word suck
Using it, is never a sin

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'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout all the land,

   Shoppers were swarming Penney's and Walmart without end!

     Wild-eyed mobs were elbowing each other without cease!

         'Tis another annual brawl!  So much for the Season of Peace!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

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If asked to define the word “dorky”
I guess I'd describe it like this
Wearing stripes and checks together
A sight you surely can't miss

I'm not the ultimate style leader
But at least I do have some taste
Aside from an occasional style faux pas
At times when I dress in haste

Never be seen in horn rimmed glasses
An extreme example of dorkyness
White Adidas with black knee high socks 
Now that's really hard to digest

When mom gets really behind in her chores
Hasn't washed my coordinate attire
Forced to wear stuff a little bit dorky 
Not something to which I aspire

If asked to define the word “dorky”
Usually try to describe it like this
Stripes, checks and horn rimmed glasses
An example of ignorant bliss

© Jack Ellison 2012

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The Bedpost

There is a collection
On my bedpost.
I hope I’m the one to
Gather the most.

My friends and I all have
Bet each other
To see who can gross out
Their dear mother.

So I work every day
To make it grow
And keep it real tidy
In a neat row.

And last time I checked
Mine was the best
So I think it is time
To give it a test.

Then I call to mom
To come and see
My special collection,
Neat as can be.

When she opens the door,
I point to it.
And as I hoped, she has
A royal fit.

“What the Sam Hill?  I can’t…
Believe my eyes!”
Yup!  My booger collection
Won the grand prize!

By Susan Burd © 2011

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A Man Thang

The time has finally come,
As we men most often fear
That dreaded magic finger,
Thank God it's once a year!

The doctor does his duty,
It'll all be over soon
We'll take a subtle bow,
To show our hairy moons!

POP!...goes the latex,
We hear the squirts of gel
What only takes a moment,
Seems like a month in hell!

We'll grit our teeth in fury,
Oh, what an awkward twist
"Doc, is that your finger?!"
"It feels just like a fist!!"

As we waddle from the office,
Our boxers rather moist
Manhood's left on the table,
Although it's freedom's choice!

The time has come to pass,
We'll dare not shed a tear
A comfy sofa awaits us,
Our egos nursed with beer!

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This Poem

This poem has yet to finish.
It's barely past the start.
It hasn't any followers
and isn't yet an art.

The subject is not written:
direction not quite clear.
My reason for it's being
is only what is here.

The length is getting longer
with nothing more to say.
Without a proper ending
it just might run astray.

I'll say my final thoughts
in hopes they'll bring an end.
But really; who'm I kidding,
a sequels 'round the bend.

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Silly Facts

In a average lifetime, humans usually eat
About sixty thousand pounds of food
That's equal to the weight of six elephants
But the elephants have to be nude

Half of all Americans over fifty-five
No longer possess their own choppers
Be careful if you get into a fight with one
They'll gum you to death right proper

World's shortest man was only 21 inches
Had to have his tuxedo specially made
Wives want more sex reading love stories 
Husbands have it made in the shade

There's lots of howling in India at night
Law says you can marry your dog
Once the U.S. issued a 5 cent bill
Vending machines got all clogged

Babies are often dropped on their head
More serious than colic by far
Males sweat more than ladies when caught
With their hands in the cookie jar

It has been estimated that at any one time
0.7 % of the world is drunk
Actually thought it'd be a whole lot higher
My in-laws are always drunk as a skunk

The average person walks the equivalent
Of twice round the world 'fore they're done
No wonder I don't feel like I get enough sleep
But I'm probably not the only one!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Another Fifty Cents

Another day, another “fifty cents”
We used to say “another dollar”
But this is the year two thousand twelve
At current prices, you wanna holler

It's the age of out of control spending
We're lucky to survive every month
Where it's all heading is anybody's guess
We need to save up a whole big bunch

Save for the future, I know it's hard
But money you can put away now
Will seem like money straight from heaven
When you no longer can push a plough

I may be an alarmist, you could be right
But it's a matter of survival for me
Before long, it's five minutes to midnight
So be prepared as you possibly can be

Another day, another “fifty cents”
Have you checked out the price of eggs?
We're lucky to rub two pennies together
Except for what we get when we beg!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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My Pillow

I love my pillow Fits my neck just right And I always win In a pillow fight!
Twenty Syllables Barbara Gorelick

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Young and middle-aged ladies, who wear sundresses
when summer days sizzle, make the opposite sex notice 
how lovely and sexy their soft skin is;  curious guys,
of course, can't help staring at them...not once but twice!  

Watch them chatting on a bench of a park,
or just strolling down a busy street...
pushing their baby's stroller in the July's heat;
come closer to hear their silly talk!

Jan, my niece's friend, attracts me like no lady ever can,
she wears a colorful sundress she made herself,
and she talks funny to make everybody laugh;
some thinks she's crazy, but I'd love to be her man! 

Many women go to great lengths to get one of these...
the one that makes them stand out and get winks
from men who are easily distracted in the baseball's field:
they wish their wives looked like that...more strength they'd yield!

Fashion models draw admirable glances from an applauding crowd,
but they wear sundresses for recognizition, not for their soulmates;
so ordinary ladies wear them to find that ideal boyfriend or husband,
and admit among yourselves that it is a style of attractiveness!

Written by Andrew Crisci
for Constance La France's contest, " The Sundress. "

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To help address the  mouse problem
With which  the world is smitten  
(God knows, we have enough of them)
My cat has just produced another  kitten. 
The indiscipline of kittens is not welcome  -
They won’t soon catch a mouse,
The curtain climbing, table walking, and then some -
They just don’t care about the rules of the house.
And it’s like catching a pin cushion.
When they jump on me from the stairs in the hall.
It’s then I sometimes  get a notion :
I  wonder if mice are really so bad after all?

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Collaborating In the Clouds

New Year Resolutions are fine, But they’re just not enough So I say a prayer to the Big Boss When what I want is tough For the year of two thousand and twelve I said a short prayer In hopes of getting the help I need from the boss way up there “Dear God, I wouldn’t ask for this, If it was just a whim. Please give me a fat bank account And a body that’s slim” “Last year I prayed for the same thing But it was all in vain This year be careful, Dear God, and don’t Get them mixed up again! “Well my son you don’t understand I heard both of your prayers And what you asked for, was not ignored It’s just not in my plan”
Submitted by: Charles Sides

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Table Talk

...dedicated to Billy Collins

We're standing on the Dining Table, 
Salt and Pepper by ourselves, 
Tablecloth is in the drier, 
Dinner Plates still on the shelves. 
Later on there'll be a banquet, 
fifteen guests, an all black-tie, 
candlelight and lots of flowers, 
supper time is drawing nigh! 

Here she comes, our charming hostess, 
preparations underway, 
Mr Tablecloth is rescued, 
spread and centred, that's the way! 
Cutlery and Water Glasses 
first to join us for the fun, 
Centrepiece and Linen Napkins, 
now the Setting's all but done. 

But wait! the Dinner Plates are coming, 
Side Plates, Finger Bowls and such, 
Mr Table must be groaning 
at the weight, so very much! 
Guests arrive, jim, grace and betty, 
jim's wife, joan, and helen bond, 
helen's in an awful pickle, 
husband left her for a blonde! 

Everybody's here and ready 
for a night of merriment, 
cocktails and some conversation, 
Wow! Obama's president! 
Dinner's served, We get a workout, 
Tableware and good old Me, 
Salt, one of the main ingredients 
for a tasty ratatouille! 

Guests disperse and then there's clean-up, 
washing, scrubbing 'til We're done; 
Table's empty, We're left standing, 
Me and Pepper, all alone.

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15 Minutes Of Quatrain Fame Oxymoron

no matter how many
media are used
just a few will know
what's unique about you.

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People With Extra Long Necks

Now here's a funny sight, my friends People with extra long necks Much like giraffes you see at the zoo A really strange sight, by heck They drive convertibles for obvious reasons It sure ain't so great in the snow Their houses are rather tall and skinny How they sleep at night, heaven knows There's advantages to having an extra long neck Especially at a sporting event Till the people behind start throwing things Which there's gotta be a way to prevent There's a pill that's just come on the market To help shrink it down to size But the side effects can be disastrous It increases your bum and your thighs Now you can fit into a normal size car But you take up the whole front seat That's sure better than a giraffe like neck That's ridiculous, for the love of pete! © Jack Ellison 2012

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The Land Of Lip Service

a searing indictment of 
contemporary American society 
just a bit of fun! 


They seem to have forgotten common courtesy, 
'Have A Nice Day!' rings so hollow, such a shame; 
they're so mired in mediocrity 
and no one ever, ever takes the blame. 

Overweight and under-nourished, 
over-sexed and under-intellectual, 
they preen and pose their way 
to self-importance, perpetually ineffectual. 

They clutch desperately on to their perceptions, 
their DVD's and plasma TV screens; 
they're rushing blindly to the brink of self-destruction, 
never caring for a moment what life means, 

so I'll have a cup of tea and read Jane Austen, 
self-righteous, showing smug English reserve, 
and laugh at all their cheesy indiscretions 
while I cheer their unimaginable nerve! 

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How many of you have done this?
You go into another room
To get something really important
Suddenly your mind goes KABOOM!

In the lightning flash of a instant
You haven't a clue why you're there
You rack your brain for the answer
Just stand there with a vacant stare

So back to the room you came from
Hoping something will click
For sure your mind will recover
You start feeling dizzy and sick

What if you can never remember?
Go to your grave not knowing why
You got up to go there for something
But your brain feels like it's fried 

Sometimes it renders man useless
Their existence productive no more
Dribbling and mumbling “what was it?”
This feeling you can't ignore

Then as you're ascending to heaven
Your life is paraded before you
In a flash you scream out, “I've got it!”
“I was headed for the loo!”

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Admiring a Full Moon - Trochee

A full moon, she paraded amongst subdued stars A bright sun swooned then faded admiring afar How the sun's love grew brighter His moon boldly smiled Hanging full, she grew wider her shape had beguiled

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Tubby Girl Remembers the Glory Days of YORE

I used to sashay into a room
And see all the guys just stare
Now when I waddle in a room
I get cuddled like a bear

I reveled in the very fact 
That I was just sizzling hot
Now I feel rather lukewarm
Marilyn Monroe I am NOT!

I used to have a tiny waist
That accentuated my breast
Now there are lots of tiny rolls
That go right up to my chest

People like to touch my arms
They remind them of a pillow
And when I walk, do watch out!
My bum does jiggle like jello

Although now I am not streamlined
Unlike Angelina Jolie
I’m still happy with who I am
Cause there’s beauty inside of me

I don’t think that a woman’s meant
To be merely some skin and bones
But rather curvaciously soft
Or her pokiness will bring groans

And yet I confess to moments
When I wish I could turn back time
I want to be drop dead gorgeous
Not skinny… but full and sublime

Well, this lament is getting lame
So I'll start the exercise craze
I still want to make men go weak
So they’ll stare at me in a daze!

But Belly Dancing won’t be fun
There just won’t be enough to shake
So maybe I’ll just stay this way
And be good...for heaven’s sake!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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It's only a poem.
Don't use that word.
I'm trying real hard,
despite what you've heard.

It's gonna get better.
I won't be deterred.
I've only just started.
and won't be deferred

It has a great ending
and won't be absurd.
Not one that I wanted,
but one I preferred.

It's not very long
and won't leave you spurred.
Unless you read slower
than what I've inferred.

I've added a climax
that won't go unheard.
Unless you're much older
than what I've concurred.

I'm nearing the end;
in which I've conferred,
to leaving you something
I hope has recurred.

And now for the ending
to which I referred.
In leaving you nothing
Accept for the

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Need Time Management

I started a class for kids recently.
It’s fulfilling, but takes up so much time.
I’ve work ‘til five, and class ‘til eight, roughly.
If I’m to sleep, nothing is left for rhyme.

If I choose poetry instead of dreams,
I’m unable to write verse the next day.
It’s as difficult a fix as it seems.
In the end, my mind’s forfeit to decay.

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In Defense of my Romantic Poetry

I’m a hopeless romantic
Now please cut me some slack
Yes, there’s more to this life
Than love’s beaten track

I just can’t write about fish
And I can’t write of the farm
I can’t write about frogs
For me that holds not a charm

I can’t write about wars
And I can’t write about keys
I can’t write of history
Go easy on me, please!

Yes, I guess I’m limited
Stuck in mediocrity
I’m trying to be diverse
It falls flat, can’t you see? 

So I write tales of love
And I write about passion
Can’t write about trends
Or the latest fashion

I write about suicide
And I write of addiction
I write about my life
Not some sort of fiction

I write about my daughter
And I write about hubby
I write how much I suffer
To be thin and not chubby

I write about God
And I write about heaven
But can’t write about 9
Much less about seven

So please hear what I say
What you all write is grand
It’s just not my way
I’m stuck in love’s brand

I’m cheesy, I’m sappy, 
Dripping with goo and such
But this hopeless romantic
Loves your poems so much!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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Tightie Whities

Tightie whities are my normal attire While composing my marvellous rhymes Inspired by the freedom my undies provide Such passion and jubilation is mine Fully clothed, creativity's quite restricted Grandiose words stick in my throat As soon as I divest myself of my trousers It immediately re-floats my boat I try real hard to imagine all you poets Naughty images take over my mind I'm begging you friends to please cover up One day we'll see each other on line It's okay for me, with my Adonis like body But some of you less fortunate souls Might want to avoid the total embarrassment And cover up your multiple folds Tightie whities are now my normal attire While composing my marvellous rhymes Don't often brag 'bout my amazing body Decided it was certainly about time! © Jack Ellison 2014

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Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

              Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
The navvies were round knocking on doors
They had some tarmac left and they could get more
Yes we needed the drive and a path
But we weren’t going to be in, that was the first laugh.

We trusted them and listened to what they said they would do
They would weed kill the ground and add hardcore too
The day they arrived we would be at work 
But they promised crossed hearts they would not shirk

We arrived home to a fantastic new drive
Their promise they kept, is was a surprise
Until one week later a dandelion grew
It stuck up green leaves through the tarmac so new…

On investigation we made a tiny little hole
To find we could lift the path in a roll
No hardcore or weed killer we had for our money
Just a path we rolled up… looking back it was funny.

© 19/08/2012

Tarmac= Black Top
Navvies were Irish Gypsies 

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Sweet Addiction

I prowl the aisles of the grocery store,
hunting for some sumptuous treats
To get that sugar fix I'm aching for,
such sweet suduction, it can't be beat.

I find candy coated crunchies,
sweet kisses, candybars galore.
All the goods to sate my munchies,
yet I still want so much more.

With a dark addiction for these sweets,
I'd gladly be a gun for hire.
A cocoa ganster from Hershey Street,
with my own Rich Chocolate Empire!

TLH   ©   07-26-2012

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Seen It All

That mirror mounted above the bed
Has most certainly seen it all
Those beneath would have a surprise
If that mirror would happen to fall

Mirror Contest

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Squeeze Those Dangly Things

We all wake up every morning To a day like no other before This world is still an experiment With lots of mysteries to explore One that's uppermost on peoples' minds And a question unanswered so far Is how they get the caramel inside A Cadbury's Caramilk bar Or why kamikaze pilots wear helmets They're going to wind up in a crash And how much spit does a person produce Or how long is a hundred yard dash Why don't nose hairs have to be trimmed Is there a name for a male ballerina Can illiterate people eat alphabet soup How many octaves in an ocarina Who was the first person to look at a cow Started squeezing those dangly things Then drank the stuff that came pouring out They must have been real ding-a-lings Did you ever get up and brush your teeth And realized you're wiggling your bum Why toasters toast till it's beyond recognition Stating your name at AA, that's dumb Pretty sure corn oil is made from corn Wonder where baby oil is took Why is it that something you're looking for Is always in the last place you look Well that's it for this mangey old geezer My brain is beginning to ache If you know the answer to any of these Then speak up for goodness sakes © Jack Ellison 2013

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Your Bottom Line

How's your bottom line working out?
Have you checked it's progress today?
Is it dipping and diving like the markets
Is it drooping to your utter dismay?

Some are quite big, some are small
Each one has a place in society
They all possess that irresistible charm
So there's no need for any anxiety

Now take me for instance, I like 'em all
But someone should restrict the sound
It certainly can be destructive at times
Rumbling and shaking the ground

There's not a more alluring sight
Than a bottom with a great swing and sway
It's actually quite entertaining to watch
But be careful to stay out of its way

How's your bottom line working out?
Are you happy with what trails behind?
If you are, you should feel very fortunate
To be blessed with a fine bottom line

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Hot Diggety Dog

Hot diggety dog, hear me bellow My ship's finally made it to shore It's left me agog this brand new life I'll be wanting for nuttin' no more! Never guessed I'd ever discover Friends I didn't know I had Just showing up from outta nowhere Claiming to be best buds as lads Folks always seem to gather around The smell of the mighty buck Popping outta the woodwork it seems Too bad, they're just out of luck Don't give in, it's a common old ploy It's as old as a Tracy named Dick Tell 'em scram and don't come back Urge 'em on with a little kick
© Jack Ellison 2012

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Dustbin Mind

We used to laugh when poor old Mum 
Would call me “Eve-Dor-Fran”.
She wasn’t old (about my age!)
When first it all began.

But now I’ve come to this same state,
I’ve realised the brain
Is not some great computer
That gets left out in the rain.

It’s just a giant dumpster
For the things we learn about.
We throw in scraps of knowledge,
But it’s never emptied out …

And then, as we grow older,
The dustbin gets so cramped
We have to root around in there
For any thought we want.

I know if I search long enough
I’ll find my marbles there.
They’re packed away so carefully,
But I can’t remember where …

So if you take a longer time
To latch onto some thought,
Remember, it’s your dustbin mind
Through which you need to sort!

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It's the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature is stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Mother and father,
Have put up a tree.
Think I'll just go climb it,
To see what I can see.

Look at all of this tinsle,
And paper and bows,
And yards of bright ribbons,
And lights all aglow.

Is all of this here,
Just for me and the others?
A tree for to climb,
A whole room full of wonders?

A place for us kitties,
To run through and chase,
And send decorations,
All over the place?

Then they can come in,
And rebuild it again,
Knowing that this,
Is all part of the game.

Then they can pretend,
To scold and be mad,
But in secret we know,
It makes their hearts glad,

To see us so happy,
And watch us at play,
Then they get to rebuild it,
It just makes their day.

Not all folks are like them,
It's no joke or jest,
These people of ours,
For sure, they're the best.

                                 Judy Ball

Aren't cats great.
They're fun, funny, curious and so affectionate.
They are total innocence wrapped in a fur coat.
A house is so much more interesting when shared with a pet.

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Every home should have a Jacuzzi It's the only civilized way To melt away your cares and troubles Puts zing back into your day Nothing else is really quite like it As the jets open up your pores It's such a happy invigorating feeling Like the whole damn world is yours Feeling like each of your body parts Is singing and offering you praise For waking up those happy feelings Giving thanks for each new day Now I won't get into 'two in a tub' That's a totally different ballgame Suddenly it's no more about cleanliness Your focus sure ain't quite the same A great subject for an X-rated poem So watch for it down the road Getting that anxious feeling already Must cool it or my loins will explode! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Blank Verse

This is my first attempt at blank verse Don't expect a lot of content It's a blank verse for goodness sakes So the dialogue will be absent How much of a clue do you really need The verse is supposed to be blank Do I really need to explain it any further Don't wanna sound like a crank Some may find this a little ridiculous Trying something so bizarre A poem that doesn't contain any words Devoid of ABCs and Rs I'm always game to try something new It's my very first poem about nothing Instead of a bunch of silly old verses Bout lovemaking and passionate hugging So what do you think of my first attempt Did it make any sense to you If it did, then my efforts were a total failure So it's back to the quatrains, Magoo! © Jack Ellison 2013

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A Firing

As your immediate boss and superior It behoves me to have to inform you Your services are no longer required A formal letter of termination will ensue! It has nothing to do with performance You've really done an admirable job Believe me, I've tried hard to ignore them The rumours from everyone's gob! You've stepped over the line, my friend With this affair that has people talking Each time you walk through the office Sure you've noticed people gawking I've tried really hard to turn a blind eye And attempted to keep it hush hush But now I just can't ignore it anymore I'm beginning to turn into a lush! Normally it's not a reason for dismissal But you've caused me to endure such strife That I must consider this a special case Coz the partner in this affair is my wife! © Jack Ellison 2012

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I'm Eating My Way Through The Fridge, Tra-La

I'm eating my way through the fridge, tra-la!
I'm eating my way through the fridge
Do I feel a little bit guilty about it?
Maybe a bit more than a smidge

Someone's got to get rid of this stuff
It's been here for more than a week
The plastic containers are starting to bulge
Don't dare lift their lids for a peek

Saw a big bunch of week old burritos
Get up and start dancing around
Thought I could hear a Mariachi band 
It was a faint, almost inaudible sound

The vegetable bin was rockin' with laughter
As a tomato all mushy and ripe
Was cuddling up to a overripe cucc
That smelled like an old guttersnipe

All in all the scene wasn't pleasant
Next time we'll try eating faster
Before the office for the environment
Declares an ecological disaster

I'm eating my way through the fridge, tra-la!
It's a service I provide for my country
And Greenpeace is actually thinking
Of naming a ship after me!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Help To Understand A Man

Help To Understand A man

A woman they say is hard to understand, and that may be true
Unlike a man, he’s easy; and here is a tip for you.
A man is really made in two parts; you can take this tip from me
One part A, below the waist line; and part B, above the knee.

A man they say only thinks with one part
It may be his head, or maybe his heart
One thing I am sure of, is of the two parts he is blessed
There is one part he likes to play with, and that one he likes the best.

His constant companion through thick and thin
Throughout his life it never gives in
It guides him through life, leading this and that way
And it is with this part that he’s always willing to play.

He never does play with it - in polite society  
It’s not on show, no that should never  be…
He does not discuss it with his peers at a dinner
But he relishes the feel of it except, when it’s thinner…

He like’s to watch it grow, and this is his ambition
To make it grow all the time, it is a good man’s mission.
The only time he worries is when put his hand in his pocket
And cannot feel what he wants to feel, it’s like no plug in his socket…

So a man is simple to understand, and remember this is true
When he takes you out you know, he is really thinking of you
For the man to feel a man, this is what I will tell you honey
When he puts his hand in his pocket, he likes to feel a wallet full of money.
© ~GG~23/09/2012


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Candid Camera

Here are some fun things that happened On that classic Candid Camera show A man walked backwards on a sidewalk People copied him, wouldn't you know? A man wearing only tighty whiteys Asked the hotel clerk for a room A street cleaner starts cleaning the gutters With a broom handle but missing the broom A man was pumping gas at a gas station It ends up costing eight hundred dollars Obviously, the dial was tampered with Strangely, he got hot under the collar A lady is surprised by a job interview Conducted by a six year old boy A mailbox that says, “Have a good day!” People didn't catch on to this ploy This couldn't happen in today's modern world Where everyone's on top of their game Back then, we could all laugh at ourselves Too bad the time's had to change! © Jack Ellison 2012

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In the dictionary beside the word 'dementia'
Is a picture of your man Jackers
 The description reads 'he's off his noodle'
This man is totally crackers

Not a sane thought in his whole damn noodle
Couldn't handle it if there was
Probably freak out and strip down naked
Running hell bent from the fuzz

Now Jackers shouldn't be judged too harshly
He's really a gentle old soul
Just that the years have caught up with old Jackers
He's no longer the one in control

So don't go feeling all depressed for this dude
He's a real happy camper inside
All he knows is he's loved by you friendlies  
And he's just along for the ride

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Miss Michener

Our teacher, old Miss Michener
Was really rather odd.
She had a nasty twitch in her
That started with a nod.

Sometimes that twitch would form a frown
Upon her painted lips.
And then it moved its way on down
To sway her big old hips.

We couldn’t wait for her to yell
When some of us would bicker,
And at the ring of the lunch bell
Her eyelids made a flicker.

These were such fun days, in and out-
Enjoying her odd quirks.
We tried our best to make her shout
Just waiting for those jerks.

But one day as we counted math
Miss Michener had enough.
She let out all her fiery wrath
In one big steamy huff.

She stomped hard twice, upon the floor
And marched across the room,
Then flung open the closet door
And grabbed the class’s broom.

Our mouths gaped open, really wide.
We stared as she took flight-
Straight through the window, right outside,
Then zoom, clear out of sight.

Our teacher, old Miss Michener
Was more than we could see-
She had a nasty witch in her,
But we had set her free!

By Susan Burd © 2011

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Low Riders

 Every generation has had its fashion frights.
 Remember the Duck Tail and the Beehive do?
 Headbands and beads and bell bottom pants,
 We thought we looked good, who knew?

 But today there's one that I just can't fathom.
 What's with pants that ride dangerously low?
 The crotch hitting about the back of the knee...
 Boys slouching along, they have to go slow
 In desperation they grip their waste band,
 I'm guessing to prevent a  probable slip.
 Do we need to worry about the future?
 Relax, these boys will be steering the ship.........                                            

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Rodento is a pal o' mine
he sits atop a tree,
an extra to the foliage,
a natural topiary.

I named him 'cos he looks so real,
a critter with a snout,
a wiry tail part of his trunk,
some whiskers, and a pout.

He greets me every morning 
when I take my cup of tea,
as I stroll out on the balcony
I swear he's watching me.

When gentle breezes shake the tree
the varmint darts and dances,
but what if stronger winds persist
pray then, what be his chances?

What if a hurricane blows through?
he might well disappear,
surrendered to the elements,
then I would shed a tear.

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Tea party

Tea party has another political victory
So pour the iced sweet tea in celebration
Tea bagging time tonight, oh me
Even Clinton and the Kenedy's can appreciate a tea invitation.

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I Do or Do I

We went to a Chinese restaurant, but couldn’t get a seat
The waiter found us a table, and said we were in for a treat.
A wedding party was booked, he said, we would join them
We decided to say  yes, sat down and waited and then…

The waiters rushed out, the bride arrived, resplendent in a gown of white
A creation that was gorgeous, her tattooed shoulders caught the light
No groom was there by her side, just a pageboy and three bridesmaids
The page a little boy of five suddenly on his way he got waylaid…

A tank of fish by the door, amused the bored little boy
Especially when he threw his car in, it was his ‘must behave toy.’
The best man arrived; he saw the bride, he whispered in her studded ear
She banged the table with her fist, there was no doubt we all could hear.,,

"The ‘bast*** I am sick of him, and you are the one to blame
You should have stopped him getting drunk, god why did I take his name?
Get the kids off the floor, get that car out of the tank of fish?
When their father gets here, get them to bring the Chop Suey wedding dish…"

The groom arrived looking abashed, his tie slung over his shoulder
“Get these bloody kids controlled or they’ll not get very much older.”
The bride jumped up and raised her dress, not only her garter did we see
She raised her dainty black jack boot, and kicked him in the knee…

"They are your bloody kids you know, and if you don’t control them soon 
I’m telling you right now- we are not going on our honeymoon."
By this time all of us began to thank, the waiters for finding us a seat
They had not been wrong when they told us, we were in for a wonderful treat...

A True Story 
© ~GG~ 20/11/2012

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Boxers Or Briefs

It's quite a dilemma
You've posed on us guys
It's one or the other
But I don't know why

I quite love them both
But for choice I am glad
I think it depends
If I'm happy or sad

The freedom of boxers
Can bring me much joy
My parts swing freely
I could pose for Playboy

But wearing my tighties
I feel so secure
When I'm wearing tight jeans
I'm all male for sure

I guess what I'm saying
Can't choose 'tween the two
But whichever I wear
Sure hope it pleases you!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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From Crop to Chop

I wish I could go from crop to chop
I really wish I could
Chop a bit here and a lot there
Then I would feel good.
I wish I could chop away
All the unsightly bumps
I’d shape and carve as I like
To have curves instead of lumps.
I’d work so hard on my arms
To make them jiggle free
And then I’d work on my rump
So that it’s a sight to see!
I’d most surely work on my hips
So they would be stream lined
I’d also work on my waist
No extra flab you’d find
I’d work on my tummy round
That looks and feels like dough
I’d roll it till it was quite thin
And then I’d would let it show!
 I’d be cruel with my knife
No bit of fat would I spare
I’d chop and chop till I drop
To make them all stop and stare!
But since I can’t, I will still crop
My photos are just face and chest
You all must try to understand
Of my features these are best!
All you’ll see are parts of me
I’ll hide my unsightly bumps
Cause I’m no Fergie, can’t you see
My lumps are only....lumps!

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Kenny Rogers

It happened again this afternoon
A lady requested my autograph
Mistaking me for Kenny Rogers
That sure gave me a great big laugh

If only I had Kenny's money
I'd be chuckling all the way to the bank
Right now I'm avoiding all my creditors
My bank account's coming up blank

Perhaps I'll become a male prostitute
An easy way to make a few bucks
Still look pretty good for a dude my age
Though I sometimes waddle like a duck

But perhaps that's not for this old guy
My morals are quite high you know
It's extremely rare when I'm at the beach
For any of my white bits to show

Guess I'll continue this sneaky charade
Sign Kenny on my restaurant checks
Why not, I might as well take advantage
Of our amazing similarities, by heck!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Blue Cheese

Blue cheese doesn't sound good to me
Food should never be blue!
Orange and red and green are okay
To mention to you just a few!

A man's suit should never be pink
It gives off a certain vibe!
It portrays a kind of effeminate touch
A thing you might want to hide!

You be the judge, what about ice cream?
Would you order a flavor called cow?
Probably not, but you never know
Could be the next craze after sow!

One more thing then I really must go
How about purple pieces of fudge?
Not your thing? Doesn't turn your crank?
Just give your funny bone a nudge!

Why are we bound by customs and norms?
Why can't we step out of the box?
Do our own thing like wearing a tutu
With polka dot green and pink socks!

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Mushy Or Silly

Bunches of sillies are attacking my brain Trying to push the mushy stuff out Gonna be a knock down drag 'em out affair From the rooftops I wanna shout! Have no idea which one I'm rooting for Mushy stuff has been doing great But you guys are clamouring for the sillies So woe is me, I'm in a hell of a state So free and easy, gonna let it all flow Whichever takes over is fine This poetry stuff sure can turn my crank Puts zest in my big behind Now there it goes, the sillies are winning But the mushies aren't very far Really love life, it's just clicking along Like out for a drive in my car The wind, the smell of the morning air A hint of jasmine we capture The absolute freedom of the open road Nothing compares to this rapture Seem to be rambling on quite a bit Losing control of my thoughts Sometimes even I don't understand me Damn sillies are tying me in knots But have no fear, I WILL persevere! Things will sort themselves out Clicking along as if everything's fine Till the winner wins out by a snout © Jack Ellison 2013

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Yup, I'm An Addict

Yup! I'm a caffeine addict!
I'm admitting it here and now
Coffee's got a hold on me
I'd kick it but don't know how

First thing every morning
Must have that heavenly brew
Trying to keep it to just one cup
But it's stretching into two

I tremble, stutter and stammer
As I take another sip
Only makes the whole thing worse
And my needle starts to skip

Joined “Java Drinkers Anonymous”
But that really didn't help
All the members were addicts too
They got me started on kelp

Now I'm smokin' dried up seaweed
Just can't seem to get it right
Please help me if you know a way
To assist me with my plight!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Have you ever needed to go so bad
That your eyeballs start to cross
Your back teeth began to float around
You're memory's a total loss

It happens to us chappies quite a lot
It's the way we usually react
When downing six or so cold ones
Too blitzed for making tracks

We put it off till we almost burst
Afraid to make sudden moves
But finally we chance it and off we go
We're sure glad to get to the loo

Then back we go to drink some more
Eyes are no longer aligned
We end up at somebody else's table
With a different bunch of asinines

We keep on drinking a few more hours
Till we've all had a boatload too much
They kick us out about three A.M.
Babbling in what could have been Dutch!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Four people were walking at four fourty four
Faith Fullen at aft and Phil Fallon at fore
Then Fallon moved aftward and Fullen went fore
Till fullen was first and Phil Fallon was four

~For the Four, For, Fore contest~

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Frog In Your Throat

Have you ever had a frog in your throat?
Well it isn't a pleasant experience
They tickle and wiggle and try to escape
It's certainly an inconvenience

Ribbits come out whenever you speak
Your head starts dancing around
You get a strange urge to dive in a pond
Or kiss a Princess's crown

There's only one way to fix this affliction
Drink some warm “Antifroggation”
You'll cough and sputter, the frog will fly out
It will also reduce inflammation!

@Jack Ellison 2012

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Adam's Side Kick

I’ve been a pain in your side “Why let me see…”
“You’re made from God but you say I’m made from thee?”
You talk to the animals and to the sky?
As the moon lights the night you talk to my…thigh?

You want to run bare arse all through the woods
We’ll if you keep doing that you won’t have ANY “goods?”
So, you don’t like the fig leaf. It’s a bad choice?
“Well, use your words! Speak up! You got a voice.”

“You work? So you say. Just what do you do?”
All we eat are the fruits and some vegetable stew.
I cry at the sunrise. I’m not used to these eyes.
And I still can remember being inside God’s sigh.

I cry cause the wind blows dust at moon rise
I’m frightened and wonder what’s the next …SURPRISE!
Neighbors? What neighbors? Toss the leave use a peel
what care I for the wonder of what you’ll reveal.

Eden was wonderful, and ignorance bliss
yet so is the delight of a your so human kiss.
I love you, I’ll stay no mater the plight
and raise up our children and handle the fright.

*dedicated to Larry Belt's Adam / A Pain in my Side

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A Real Keeper

... dedicated to my devlish 10 year old grandson!

There's only one way to describe me
Can't wipe off this silly ole grin
A ravishing beauty I've turned out to be
With such gorgeous baby soft skin

With a face of unmatched perfection
Like Clooney and Pitt into one
Movie star stuff, there's really no doubt
Pure awesomeness second to none

It may seem a trifle bit pompous of me
But I'm such a ravishing hunk
Sorry but I can't even stand it myself
Pay no attention to the tabloid junk

I try to lead this exemplary life
In spite of this girlie adoration
A lesser person would certainly succumb
Causing a large brain inflation

Inside I'm really quite a nice young lad
You just need to delve a bit deeper
My surface beauty will surely distract you
But most say I'm a real keeper!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the snow,
It's thirty-two below,
My hands are cold, my feet are numb,
For some this weather sure ain't fun.

My eyes are tearing up,
My nose has turned bright red,
My fingers hurt, the car won't start,
I should have stayed in bed.

Ohhhhhh! Off to work, Off to work,
I gotta get to work.
The car won't start, the battery died,
I'll have to try to hitch a ride.

Standing in the cold,
I'm waiting for the bus,
If I don't freeze to death today,
It's 'cause pneumonia got me fust.

Merry Christmas, Y'all

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Barney McDoogle

Barney McDoogle blew his new bugle
From morning straight into the night.
He marched up and down the streets in the town
Performing to his heart’s delight.

His manner was sleek, far from a band geek
The ladies thought him oh, so fine!
He played with great ease, all ears he appeased
And they followed him in a grand line.

His musical treat moved everyone’s feet
And they danced to his happy tunes.
But in days they’d tire, their state became dire
So they called on the local tribunes.

The townsfolk he met had one, big regret
As Barney was tooting his brass;
His notes became sour, hour by hour
And sickened the people he’d pass.

Seems no one could sleep, not even a peep
The whole town was in an uproar.
They must find a way by the end of the day
To end his deafening score.

So at the town hall, the duties did call
For the mayor to take a vote.
With unanimous cry and hands raised up high,
The mayor announced, and I quote…

“Today I declare, to be very fair
And end all these musical strains.
These tunes are too rough, enough is enough-
I must rid this town of its pains.”

“Barney McDoogle, you and your bugle
Are now banned from blasting a tune.
If we hear one more toot, we’ll give you the boot
And launch you clear up to the moon!”

Poor Barney was sad, and then he got mad.
Repulsed by their feelings of scorn;
“You can’t make me stop from playing my prop!”
So they took the mad bull by its horn

And raced up the hill with precision and skill
Then hoisted with all of their might,
That debonair square, straight into the air
Now his music is outta sight!

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Can't Find The Damn Thing

Looked down to where my manhood should be
Expecting to see something grand
But for some strange reason I couldn't find it
As I unzipped when reaching the can!

My little charmer was certainly there yesterday
Well, I could have sworn that it was
Must have gone toity three or four times
Saw a glimpse of it amongst the fuzz!

As I strode passed by my full length mirror
Grinning and checking my physique
This thought ran galloping through my brain
No longer is my physique at it's peak!

So getting back to my manhood again
Is this a real common phenomenon?
Knowing the damn thing's down there somewhere
But ain't seen it for so very long!

Think I'll wrap it up in a humongous red bow
When I find my sweet charmer again
But don't you go worrying all my good friends
I'm sure it'll show up in the end!

© Jack Ellison 2012

Reposting this on the recommendation of a certain P-Souper!

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Writer's Block

I tried to write a poem,
A little while ago,
But I couldn't find the muse,
The words just wouldn't flow.

I started with the standard stuff,
A poem or some prose.
But inspiration left me dry,
The floodgates all were closed.

So next I tried my hand at rhyme,
The nursery kind for tykes.
But all that came was trite and lame,
The kind that no kid likes.

Then after that I tried to pen
A couple lines free-verse,
But that attempt completely failed;
Results were even worse.

Thus, at the frayed end of my rope
I tried just one last time,
A limerick, I thought, was in my grasp;
Alas, it did not rhyme.

So that's the end.  I'll write no more.
My inspiration's flown.
I couldn't write to save my life.
My creative mind is blown.

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My Big Toe

Have you ever wondered Why your big toe is big? Does it help with balance While doing the jig? Can you imagine If all toes were large? It would seem like walking On a very large barge Strange how everything Seems the right size Cause what if your arms Were as big as your thighs? Big toes are great For testing your bath Or counting to ten To help with your math One thing's for certain They're just the right size For stirring your soup Or tying bow ties This poem's for a friend A new star in my sky Sure hope she will like it It's my very best try! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Hissss Christmas Gift

One Christmas I got a wonderful gift
That I knew without even a shake
Coz the sound, made inside the box  
Was of a brand new rattlesnake

I thought wrapping up a real live snake
Must have been very hard
But my bro’ said, when he stuffed it in
He held its head down with the card

Though he said it tried biting the UPS man
Somewhere along his brown jacket
But there was no way that it could break skin
Since he had dog bones in his pocket

Well, I grabbed the snake with mom’s new Ove-glove
And placed it in my stocking with care
Then I heard it rattle, while it did battle
With the wind-up toys that were in there

At the dinner table I got so upset
When beside me was a candle holder
To stick the snake in and light it up
But they joked; it would only smolder

Then after eating, we watched the game
But when my dad reached for the chips
The day turned worse so very fast
When his finger, touched the snake’s lips

I yelled, “Bad rattlesnake, let go of dad
Now look what you have done.”
Then when dad fell in the hot wings
My brother quickly dialed, 911

Well, we all got to ride in the ambulance
Though for reasons, very regrettable
And even though it’s been thirty years
That present is still, unforgettable.

By David Fisher 11/27/13 for Perfect Christmas Gift contest

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I'm usually known for my silly stuff
But once in a while I surprise
Drooling all over my keyboard and yours
With mushy stuff I fantasize

It's true I sometimes wear more than one hat
Contrary to what you may think
Can be sillier than the silliest damn jester
Then switch as quick as a wink

Become all gushy and mushy and stuff
Talk of pretty flowers and love
Then sure as shootin' it's back to the sillies
Giving your giggler a shove

This back and forth stuff is really dizzying
Imagine if I wrote about dying
Some are obsessed with negative things
If I said that was me I'd be lying

It's not for me that tear jerky stuff
Guess my life's been too damn happy
Not complaining I'm a perky old geezer
Maybe a better word is slaphappy

© Jack Ellison 2012

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My tummy speaks fluent Bowelanese
Every morning before my brekkie
Informing me in no uncertain terms
It needs more nourishment by heckie

It has quietly fasted all night long
Now wide awake looking for grub
Wonder what the consequences are
If I don't send some down from above

Tummy grumblings are quite universal
From the Aloha State to Timbuktu
Queens are known to have 'em at times
Followed by a Royal Fart or two

I guess that sounds a bit irreverent
But hey, Queens are people just like us
The only real difference is however
They can sit at the front of the bus

Now getting back to Bowelanese
A language even mentioned in Macbeth
Just lift one cheek and then the other
To release the body's excess

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Bumps In Front

Her bumps in front are plain to see You should be ashamed for thinking rude You have no idea what I'm referring to, do you Bet you thought I was talking about boobs! I assume most people would think the same Guess I was hasty and a little bit tough Strange how people react to certain words They're jaded and overrun with this stuff! Well there's a real innocent explanation That'll make you smile with delight Her bumps in front are on her Lexus coupe Ran into an old lady on a bike! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Are Those Your Teeth

Are those your teeth, they look so perfect
Actually no, you won't believe my tale
Some old guy had just passed away
And his wife put his teeth up for sale

They fit really well, just like my own
So I offered her half what she was asking
For that she said you could have the bottoms
If you don't mind a little cracking

But you must do better if you want the uppers
There's loads of nostalgia in those choppers
I can still remember the fun times we had
When the two of us were teenyboppers

So I bumped up my offer a couple of dollars
I could tell she really needed the money
She reluctantly accepted with a tear in her eye
She was giving away part of her honey

So now you know the rest of the story
Keep it deep inside your cranium
Bout how I ripped off this little old lady
To look like Clooney or Damon

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Terrible Ten Horn

A creature with one horn,
Is quite fierce enough.
But a creature with ten?
That’s incredible stuff!

The rhinoceros, true,
Is a force to behold.
But the Terrible Ten Horn,
Is terror untold.

Pull back the curtain,
A coin for a show.
A peek at the beast,
And what do ya know?

He sits on a couch,
Eating chips from a can?
He drives a Ford Ranger?
He’s the average man.

by R.(obert) Erin Lenth
Written for Nikko Palmario's "Anagrammatically Speaking" Contest

©2011, R. Erin Lenth

Fourth Place Contest Win: "Anagrammatically Speaking" sponsored by Nikko Palmario

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I'll Make Him A Nerd Yet

Oh dear, I just realized what I could do,
with the Hungry Caterpillar plushy, 
enveloped by paper, for my cute new
nephew. He’ll learn to spell his name by three.

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Oh fish

If God is such a gracious giver
This water was boiling oil I wish,
so straight from the running river
...I'd have instant deep fried fish.

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When Her Royal Wifeness  spots a trivialosity in my dress,
Perhaps discovering  that the  scarf I am holding
Is ill-suited to my suit,  or that the trouser-press
Has produced  sloppification  or mistooken  folding,
Of which there may be mutitudianary variations,
She never hesitates to tell me of my erroneosity.
I thank her profundally, praising her for her observation
And react to her contributiary  word  with generosity.

However, when  her  dress shows  unimmaculation
I quietly suggest that, otherwise garmentlied, she might 
Be blessed with admiratiary glances in unanimation. 
And I never say her uncoiffurified hair is a terrible sight.
Even if there is a spot of porridge or jam blotted on her coat
And its messified  imprintification  cannot be removed or be denied,
I simply  remark in an offhand way  that the colour of oats
Or red jam is a nice touch  -  but it’s somewhat  blodgified.

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Inspiration at 3

Why does inspiration strike
at the oddest of times?
Why at three in the morning
do I start thinking in rhymes?

My best inspiration
comes just before dawn
and I scribble away
while I stifle a yawn

Can't leave it until later
the thoughts will have past
must get it on paper
while the moment does last

Sometimes it's a line
just a sentence or so
but I have to stay with it
when the ink starts to flow

Now I'm not complaining
that my muse takes a hand
just that it's three in the morning
is what I can't stand!

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The Rhinoceros That Roared

~The Rhinoceros That Roared~ The Wrinkled skin of the Rhinoceros Steel hard, no man can penetrate The young buck on the tourist bus Thought if he killed one, his lovers heart he could take. He wanted to be a macho man... But he was just a spoilt rich boy He took his souped up jeep out there He roared the engine of his favorite toy. The horn of the Rhino he wanted to win To give to the girl he loved, as a prize It is supposed to be an aphrodisiac But he was in for a great big surprise. He faced the Rhino in his souped up jeep The Rhino looked bored, if one can, so to speak… Pedal to the metal, head on towards the horn The wheels spun, the earth showered, the Rhino looked forlorn. The jeep roared at the Rhino, who opened his mouth up wide Just as the souped up idiot hit-and he drove on right inside The Rhino swallowed and walked away with a jaunty gate The girl he lost, he disappeared, for them it was to late… Tales are told in whispered voice still through out the land They tell of a Rhino who does strange things when his temper is fanned His eyes flash, his feet spin, a horn beeps, and more Just don’t get in front of him, because you can hear an engine roar…
©~GG~ 19/08/2012

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For the Short Attention Span

Quick over there!
Before it’s gone!
A rhyme to share,
fair to look on.

But, oh! Shiny!
Glittering flash!
Some bright debris!
Pretty for trash.

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Carelessly I threw my
Left foot ahead, and then the right—
With my head up in the sky
And so was I, walking my height.

Little can an insect suspect
Its short life was hung in suspense—
And even less did I expect,
To save its life, I’d fall on my ends.

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Did you ever suffer writer's block, 
When you couldn't write a line?  
When you struggled, hoped, and waited  
For that inspiration shine?

Did you ever beg the muses 
To intervene on your behalf, 
And find them in a stubborn mood, 
When they'd only sit and laugh?

They've been playing coy with me, now,
For far too many days.
They nearly drive me up the wall,
With their mean, contrary ways.

But I still love 'em, don't you know, 
And I'm sure that they love me.
I know they'll sing and dance again,
If I wait patiently.

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People With Extra Long Necks

Now here's an unusual sight, my friends
People with extra long necks
Much like giraffes you see at the zoo
A really strange sight, by heck

They drive convertibles for obvious reasons
It sure ain't so great in the snow
Their houses are rather tall and skinny
How they sleep at night, no one knows

There's advantages to having an extra long neck
Especially at a sporting event
Till the people behind start throwing things
Which there's gotta be a way to prevent

There's a pill that's just come on the market
To help shrink 'em down to size
But the side effects are quite disastrous
It increases your bum and your thighs

Now you can fit into a normal size car
But you take up the whole front seat
That sure is better than a neck like a giraffe
That's ridiculous, for the love of Pete!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Just Another Day

* For Brian's "Tomorrow is another day" contest

Dawn, but the alarm never rang
Power was on; I’d failed to set it
Cornflakes littered the kitchen floor
The box? I just couldn’t reach it

A passing train delayed traffic
Was trapped for nearly an hour
Only then did I realize
I had forgotten to shower

Was tardy arriving at work
Too late to attend the meeting
No smiles came from my angry boss
And she offered no warm greeting

There was such turmoil in accounts
Ads printed in the wrong color
Then the company president
Started to smolder and holler

Made my way home only to find
A fire truck in my driveway
“Thank God, it’s over,” I whimpered
“Tomorrow is another day”

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Writers Block

The dreaded writers block
is every poets curse
when you're waiting to write
but can't think of a verse

Pen at the ready
but a brain working slow
desperate for ideas
that you hope to make grow

You try a distraction
to encourage a find
a little more coffee
to waken the mind!

When nothing is working
you give up for the day
and wish inspiration
had a bit more to say!

You hope in the morning
with your first cup of tea
that something will trigger
a thought to run free

Then you can start writing
and forget this old curse
just get on with composing
some brilliant verse!

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Moaning Lisa

You'd never know this masterpiece By Leonardo da Vinci Was painted while Moaning Lisa Had cramps in her lower vicinity Muffling her moans while she sat there Knowing what fame lay ahead Knew she'd become most recognized Centuries after she was dead You really can't see the porta-potty But trust me I know it's there Actually had these devices back then Build right into each chair My job on P-Soup has forever been To basically tickle your fancy Not really sure I know where that is Guessing it can be a bit chancy Next time you view this famous painting Think of Moaning Lisa's chagrin With such an angelic look on her face Never guess the discomfort she was in! © Jack Ellison 2013 Apologies to Leonardo!

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Feelings tingle like icy-hot
No returning this clearance life we've bought
The gun may be loaded but you've only got one shot
Always placing first, even before your second thought

Showing off like I'm in real estate
Don't fence me in, you can't match my gait
Try to upscale you ain't carrying your weight
I'm in the charts, check my growth rate

Call me Mrs. Lee cause I be making dough
Son, I'm the coldest, 30 below
You get the picture, Vincent Van Gogh
Steady climbin to the top, no plateau

I'll help you open doors, got that master key
Original work, you're just the carbon copy, cc
Go ahead and follow, no sign-up fee
I'm goin places, 3 out of 4 pros agree.

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Chest Hairs

I talk to my chest hairs every day Hi there, you seem well endowed You're coming along quite nicely now There's four of you, you must be proud Not long ago, you were only two But as one thing leads to another Passions explode in your frail bodies And with hairy love you're smothered At first signs of life, you waved with joy As two tiny sprouts first appeared A loving impression of a hairy family My tears ran down to my beard A shining example of a loving community My beard started out like you guys But that was quite a long time ago Now a gathering of three hundred and five The true measure of your value to humans And the bliss your existence inspires Unknown to many, the reason you exist To absorb our sweat when we perspire © Jack Ellison 2012

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Silly Facts 2

It would take more than 150 years
To drive your car to the sun
At the price of gas you'd need two jobs
A cashier at Walmart could be one

A law on the books in Kentucky states
You must bathe at least once a year
Next time I'm heading down Florida way
It's a state I'll avoid going near

The actual energy of everyone's farts
Immediately upon time of emission
Creates an extremely powerful force
Enough to launch a lunar expedition

Truman Capote's strange middle name
Believe it or not, was Streckfus
His parents shoulda done time in prison
Without dinner, lunch and breakfast

It's said, to have your picture taken
By the first camera ever made
You'd have to sit still for eight long hours
I'd wet my pants I'm afraid

Some of the water that all of us drink
Has at one time already been drunk
By someone else at least once before
Eeew, wish that was a lotta bunk

You would think everybody's eye lids
Would need replacing clearly
Blinking four billion times in a lifetime
Decided to change mine yearly

They say it's impossible to kill yourself
By holding your b-r-e-a-t-h ........

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Damn Solar Flares

Damn solar flares made me freak out
Swallowed my gum and made me choke
Up the proverbial creek without a paddle
Think I soiled my jockeys, no joke

Envisioned I was going to lose all my data
Doomsday was hanging over my head
My sweetie hid the crow bars and hammers
Feared I'd bash my head until dead

Turned out to be not quite that serious
Lost the Internet for just a couple of hours
Happened when I was having some fun
Curled up in the corner and cowered

But I'm okay now, thank you for asking
Though I'll probably never be quite the same
Now I back up every twenty-three seconds
Modern technology's a scary game

©Jack Ellison 2012

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The Moving Target

I am the eponymous A. Floating-Voter!
I do know my mind, but I’ll follow the pack … 
My vote’s up for sale now, to the highest bidder.
Yes! What was that offer, sir? You at the back?

One fellow offered me ‘less unemployment’;
Another one’s promised a crackdown on Crack.
A third says my kids should get more education!
Now who’s gonna offer me tuppence off tax?

One bloke is standing who’ll never be sitting!
So if he’s elected, he won’t see it through.
He said I could choose ‘Not to be European’.
I thought I did that back in ’72 … 

‘A’ says I’ll have more disposable income;
‘B’ says he’ll build us more roads and such-like. 
If I vote for ‘B’, I’ll have more roads to drive on; 
If I don’t vote for ’A’, then I can’t run a bike! 

All of them claim to be fighting corruption; 
Opening closets; exposing the sin … 
Though naturally, MPs are above suspicion! 
Now, what was this ‘Members’ Expenses’ thing? 

I’m already beginning to feel some confusion.
Which of the parties is really the best?
They all claim the others are nothing but liars …
But none of them passes the ‘truthfulness’ test … 

I really do not have a clue who to vote for!
I’m starting to wonder if I should abstain … 
But ‘Say what you want!’ was my Mum’s favourite motto, 
‘And if you don’t get it, then you can complain!’ 

So, come voting day, I’ll be down at that station.
I’m going to vote, and I’m keeping close tabs …
So go for it, candidates! Try to attract me! 
‘Cause, ‘tween now and then, chaps,
My vote’s up for grabs!


This is how we tackle elections in Great Britain - not so slick, but lots of fun!

Entered in Dana'lynn Smith's "Politically Educated" contest by Frances King

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Hey Poopyhead

“Don't call me infantile, you poopyhead” Surely one of my favourite bumper stickers Providing chuckles as we motor along Viewing all these funny rib ticklers “To err is human, to moo is bovine” A deep and moving appraisal of life Such tender emotions of celestial origins Helps you and me forget our strife Imagine how dull and drab life would be Without these bits of humourosity “People with constipation don't give a crap” Apologies for the naughty verbosity Just one more then I'll leave you to ponder These charming delightful little gems “Conserve your toilet paper, use both sides” That's the absolute stinky bottom end © Jack Ellison 2012

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It's a problem that would scare
The hardest criminal or thief :
Which way leads where
In woods with fleas on leaf,
When both seem just as fair
Or each can lead to grief,
With itching beyond compare
And scratching for relief.

Yet Mr. Frost was casual :
Made his choice with ease.
He thought it almost usual -
The result was sure to please.
His assessment was merely visual -
The way you might choose cheese.
He should have been more sensual :
Would have caught less fleas.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

(Again with apologies to Robert,  one of my favoritestest poem guys)

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“Birds of a feather, flock together”
They also do other things as a group
Like pooping on your brand new bonnet
At times they'll even poop in your soup 

“Laughter is always the best medicine”
Not so if you have a runny nose
You'll get that green stuff all over the face
You might even get some on your toes

“Sleep tight, don't let the bugs bite”
Those nasty little critters are pests
Sleeping tight sure ain't gonna stop 'em
From chomping on your tender pink flesh

“You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
What an absolutely disgusting concept
At least you could wait till the pig's deceased
'Cause I'm sure the damn thing would object

“Keep a stiff upper lip, my dear old chap”
It'll stop you from saying certain words
Like “honeyfuggle” or “snollygoster”
But you can still utter “dirty turds”

“One man's junk is another man's treasure”
Let's try to be realistic here
If you treasure a broken down piece of junk
Then you're welcome to it, my dear

“Good things come to those who wait”
Especially if you're waiting to sprinkle
If you cross your legs and sing “Hey Jude”
It'll seem like no time till you tinkle!

Deceive by flattery or sweet-talk, swindle or cheat
A shrewd, unprincipled person, especially a politician

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The Punny Side Of Life

Was going to look for my missing watch But just couldn't find the time Simply no telling where my mind is going This very strange mind of mine Here's the ultimate groaner, my friends I used to be a good tap dancer But then one sad day I fell in the sink Asked how I was, couldn't answer D'ya hear about the crime that happened In a downtown parking garage? It was so damn wrong on so many levels Heard it was a case of sabotage With the scary approach of the apocalypse Armageddon out of here That's silly, whoever's coming up with these Is more than just a little bit weird A man had a difficult time bouncing back From a serious bungee cord accident Been to the dentist and I know the drill Tells me toothaches you can prevent Reading a great book about anti-gravity Find it almost impossible to put down It's floating around the living room all day One time it nearly broke my crown Dead batteries are sometimes given away Free of charge I have heard Think someones's trying to brighten my day Now that is downright absurd © Jack Ellison 2013

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H-Less Jon

Found a new friend, his name is Jon
Asked him, 'where the heck is your H?'
He tried to recall and seemed to remember
There was a shortage in 1938

Parents failed to put their order in on time
So Jon was basically out of luck
His H has been missing ever since then
Poor guy it really must suck

Imagine all the times people have asked him
Likely driving him out of his beano
Certainly can't be blamed for a tirade or two
Heard he's heavily into the vino

Strange how a small thing like a missing H
Can affect one's psyche to the core
If you happen to have an extra H lying around
He'll pay a big bunch of moolah I'm sure

Found a new friend, his name is Jon...

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Mr Neanderthal Man

HEY! HEY! Mr. Neanderthal Man Where did you get those looks? Hey pretty boy! Seen pictures of you In my Ancient History books WOW! WOW! What a great physique Unmatched in these here parts Should enter a Mr. Universe Contest In a new category set apart BAD! BAD! Didn't mean to offend you You do have redeeming factors Lighting a fire rubbing sticks together And avoiding nuclear disasters HEY! HEY! Mr. Neanderthal Man Have you been living under a rock Or are you much like us guys today With faults like the rest of the flock? © Jack Ellison 2012

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Hello Coach Bob,
I just thought I'd write
A note to tell why
I missed practice last night.

I could say I was sick,
Which was kind-of-sort-of true
But you would not believe that
Sort of thing, would you?

I could say I was busy
With homework and chores, too,
But that is not an excuse 
That's strong enough to do.

I could concoct a story,
Unbelievable, but true!
About robbers and car crashes,
But that would not fool you.

I don't know...what's the use?
Could I just say I'm without excuse?
Wait...there was no practice yesterday.
Guess I don't need to write this anyway.

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Ditsy Moment

Ditsy moment, wow!
This takes me back a few years
I think I was aged about twelve
It left my father in tears

It was on a summers morning
I was sound asleep in bed
Subconsciously I heard my father shout
And throw something at my head

"Hey James get up,
Your going to be late for school"
I sat up straight in bed
Hurrying not to break the rules

Quickly I got dressed
As I rushed for a bite to eat
It's then that I noticed my father
Crying in his seat

His tears turned to laughter
As he struggles to calmly say
"I'm sorry my son I just couldn't resist
In fact it's really Saturday"

Looking back at that time
Today it's still funny to me
But you really had to see
Me sitting up as stiff as a tree

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A Toast for New Years Eve

Whilst I lay in my bed, 
And reflect on my past
I remember that I want, 
Certain moments to last.
Like this evening tonight;
On New Years Eve;
We’re having too much fun
With much more to achieve!

For the New Year, is here!
And let it be said
’08 is now gone,
It is totally dead!

So we lift up our glasses!
Way high in the sky!
We’re not going to remember this,
Let’s not even try!

Don’t take a drink!
It’s not yet that time!
You have to let me finish
My cute little rhyme!

Now cheers to our friends,
Both new and old!
Let’s cheers to the stories 
That have yet to be told!

Let’s cheers to the nights 
That we stayed out late
Let’s cheers to you!
For being so wonderful, 
And being so great!

Happy New Year!

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Ding Dong, Texas

Met this gal from Ding Dong, Texas Had warts all over her bum I know because she showed me them I got up and started to run Her six foot twelve hulk of a brother Said, "Boy! Best ya sits y'self down!" I knew I should listen to brother Luke The meanest damn dude in town! So Anitabath, his ding-a-ling sister Cozied up and quietly whispered "How's if we have some fun in the hay?" I quivered at having to kiss her! I said okay as this ding-a-ling stripped I cringed at her wart covered bum Saw a chance and tried to scurry away But Luke was on guard with a gun! "Just where d'ya think yer goin', sonny?" As he blocked my escape with his brawn Just then I spotted a tiny opening Took off like a skitterish young fawn! I heard the ominous crack of his rifle Felt around but could feel no pain Got into my pick-up and took off like a shot Never gone near Ding Dong again! There's definitely a moral in this sad little tale Don't hang out in a bar in Ding Dong Less you're ready for some Texas hospitality Say, "So long, sayonara, I'm gone"! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Crazy Thoughts No 4

Babies have been known to crawl
Up to seven hundred feet a day
Better tie a rope tightly around them
Or they'll wind up miles away

Sex burns 360 calories per hour
Who has sex for an hour
Longest for me is seventy-three seconds
Burn more just having a shower 

In Finland every Donald Duck comic
Was banned a few decades ago
Betcha can't guess the reason why
He was naked down below

Summer on Uranus lasts 21 years
Packing my bags as I write
Better not forget the sun tan lotion
My epidermis is pure lily white

From around the age of thirty
Humans begin to shrink
Imagine we lived to a hundred and fifty
We'd be one inch tall methinks

During a normal human life span
Hearts beat more than two billion times
So anything less than that huge number
You're dead so it's time to recline

About 400 different kinds of microbes
Coexist on the human body
They don't even wait for an invitation
Like in-laws I find that shoddy

Only one in two billion people will live
To the age of one hundred sixteen
Sorry for all you nice folks out there
But I'm the one chosen it seems

Giraffes can clean their ears with their tongue
It's dangerous don't try this at home
It might just twist you into a pretzel
And even break a few bones!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Fuel For Thought

Gas prices on the rise again? 
Folks don't know what to do? 
I've found a tiny solution, 
It's fuel made of doggie doo!

Several pints of canola oil, 
Perhaps an egg or two; 
Stir in a quart of bourbon, 
Add ammonia and borax too!

A touch of secret ingredients, 
I can't share more with you; 
Now just a touch to set it off, 
It's good ol' doggie doo!

I've got me the biggest shovel, 
I'm attackin' every lawn; 
Draggin' behind a garbage can, 
I'm scoopin' 'til the break of dawn!

An outdoor lab in the yard, 
Plus granma's rusty kettle; 
Mix in all the components, 
While the dog doo tests my mettle!

A hard day's work equals fuel, 
Enough to last three weeks; 
My face is turnin' black and blue, 
On both sides of my cheeks!

With a funnel, I'm pourin' it in, 
I can't wait to turn the ignition; 
This car's on a brand new mission!

Cruisin' around the neighborhood, 
I'm giddy as a goofy lark; 
My wife prefers to take the bus, 
While I'm drivin' through the park!

A hundred miles per gallon, 
Zero to sixty in three; 
Don't tell nobody in politics, 
Especially those in D.C.!

Someday I'll be a billionaire, 
Go ahead, call me a fool; 
Who would believe a country bum, 
That plays with doggie doo?

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Things That Irk Me

Here's some things that really irk me They must irk some of you guys too Loaded baskets in those Express Lanes My face turns a scarlet hue Imagine the gall of some irksome drivers Doing fifty in a fifty mile zone What is it with these bunch of yahoos? Probably gabbing on their phones! When you order a cup of hot java At your favourite coffee shop And it turns out to be luke warm at best You wanna give the server a pop! Another one of my little pet peeves Pill bottles that are made seniors proof You get a hernia trying to open these things The inventor was on some kind of juice! Playing along with the clues on Jeopardy Interrupted by some breaking news Unless the world is actually coming to an end It can wait till the end of the clues! Bugs me when some guy in a big fancy car Takes up more than one parking space These a-holes need to be straightened out Love a word with them face to face! Ahhh! It sure feel a whole lot better now Once I got these things off my chest Life is too short to let these things bug you They're minor annoyances at best! © Jack Ellison 2013

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Shorter Than Short Shorts

Watching young girlies walk by in the mall
Can still get a rise out of me
With their shorter than short shorts and halter tops
Tsk, tsk, thinking bad thoughts, are we?

Just purely for their copious youthful energy
This exuberant younger generation
It's got nothing to do with gawking or ogling
Tsk, tsk, think I succumb to titillation?

Really much more sophisticated than that
My sweetie would tell you, just ask her
In fact, there are many times I even look away
Tsk, tsk, think I'm a child molester?

Now just like every other of earth's male inhabitants
I admit I enjoy nice scenery
Especially shorter than short shorts and halter tops
Tsk, tsk, thinking bad thoughts, are we?

@Jack Ellison 2012

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I Want to Go By Train

Kicked out of a theater for the twenty-sixth time, the owner suggested to the highest building in town they should climb. From there, throw yourselves down to the street. Their act was considered both putrid and effete. It was discovered three beautiful women also came. Hilda, Wilda, and Tilda they were called by name. These girls didn’t seem to have anything to hide. In a similar situation, they contemplated suicide. As all six of them were ready to go, there was somebody mysteriously playing a piano. The man playing the instrument was a millionaire. He often played in isolation in the open rooftop air. The man thought this sextet had talent that was not bad. He hired all of them to star in a musical that he had. However, the stooges and female company once again tasted defeat. The man was insane and bound for Dr. Dippy’s Retreat. Based on the Columbia Pictures short subject “Rhythm and Weep” starring the Three Stooges.

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My Intuition

My intuition is my guide
In matters of the heart
I sense who loves whom
Whose love is off the charts!

It always amazes me
How I seem the first to know
What others try to hide
For me is just a show

So, here is this little rhyme
To put your heart at ease
I am not a rival, dear
I only like to tease

I’m just quite expressive
I give joy with what I say 
But I mind my own business
I’m a good girl, all the way

My intuition is a gift
I’m mostly on the money
If this time I’m proven wrong
Then do forgive me, honey!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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Stretching My Legs

Stopped for a rest on my drive back home Got out to stretch my legs When I got back in I noticed a change It surprised this hard boiled egg The gas pedal was closer than it was before A fact it made me holler “What's going on? I'm really quite spooked!” “I must be one foot taller!” Now I know it's just an old expression You don't literally stretch your legs But for someone learning the english language These nuances are hard to peg “Cause if the stretching were really true I'd soon be over eight feet tall I'd have to build a room with high ceilings So I don't bump my head and fall! © Jack Ellison 2013

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You are what you eat?
Bill, a young  guy,  friend of mine  -
Teetotaler and keen gardener neat -
Drank nothing but  dandelion wine.

Like Dr Moreau’s Island modus operandi ,  
His grey hair became heir  (or scion )
To  the  fluffball of a dandy :
And Bill started to turn into a dandelion. . . . 

. . . . . at  spreading time of seed !
Still,  Bill said,  it’s  not too bad  -
Better than being herbally  tea’d
Or becoming  part of a salad.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Written for John Freeman's Contest  "Boisterous Comedy"

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Do Dinos Soar

Do DINOS SOAR, do fish have SOLE
Do elephants have ANTS in their PANTS
Have you ever seen a HORSE FLY
Or a FIRE that's started by ANTS

A PEA CAN go wherever MAN GOES
Does a CROC know how to DIAL
Do you think every HIPPOS A MUST
Can laughing hyenas just SMILE

Do MANTIS PREY, does DON have a KEY
Is there always at least TEN in a KIT
CRYSANTHA'S MUM is such a pretty thing
Do LIONS tell the truth just a bit

If a PELI CAN, would she wear a Z BRA
Does WILL OWE anybody money
Does SNOW have a FLAKY personality
A bear's favourite would BEE HONEY

Are DILLS always DAFFY as far as you know
Can CUMULUS CLOUD your view
Are there some trees that are EVER GREEN
Why are BOOBY'S feet always BLUE

If you can answer any of these questions
Write me at seventy-seven Cuckoo Lane
I'd sure like to hear from all you folks
To prove that I'm not going insane

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Fruity-Type Gadgets

Newspapers and TV are on the way out As a source for the latest news Fruity-type gadgets have taken over We've lost the ability to choose These gadgets are called Gooseberrys No wait, that sounds a bit obtuse Now I remember, they're Blackberrys Sounds like something farmers produce Can't keep up with the latest vernacular Why not call 'em phones, whatcha think? Or handheld communication devices You're driving us seniors to drink Remember back in the good old days People talked face to face with each other Usually spoke in total complete sentences Knew the names of your sister and brother This old world has become so complicated Once was fun to carry on a conversation We'd discuss all the latest gossip in town Without technological aggravation Now we talk with folks worlds away As if they live just down the block Sure miss that face to face communication With Blackberrys, our jaws are locked © Jack Ellison 2012

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TROCHEE - Resolution and Prayer

Resolutions aren’t enough
Prayer helps when it’s tough
This year I said a shot prayer
To “The Boss” up there 

Prayed for two items from him
“Fat wallet”-“me slim”
Last year, I asked in vain
Don’t mix-up again!

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Offensive Odors - That Kid

entry for offensive odor contest - everyone knew one of these kids. enjoy

There is always that one kid in all middle schools.
Who is unaware of personal hygiene rules.
Showing up to class needing no introduction
Because of their aroma causing nasal obstruction.

The other children convulsing in their seats.
Days they did shower were considered special treats.
For not many people enjoy smelling,
What resembles the odor of a pig’s dwelling.

Combining the stench of rotten fruit
With moldy cheese and a baby’s toot.
Are they oblivious to smell that chokes like a tight scarf?
Or do they enjoy making others barf?

If you ever cross one of these subjects
Who reek of gross failed science projects.
Ask them kindly to take regular showers,
So we can look at healthy, not wilted flowers

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Cupid's Twisted Arrow

I gave you red roses,
I wrote you beautiful notes,
I read you romantic stories
and love poems with blushy quotes...

I tried my best to keep you,
I thought I knew what to do,
but you left me sweet lady
for a "man" you call Sue?...

I never saw it coming,
but I gave you my best;
now you and Sue can share
Valentine kisses and all the rest...

My Valentine card ends
with a question just for you,
"Who leads when you dance,
is it you or is it Sue?"

Happy Valentine's Day!

I was in a good mood when I wrote this piece. No, it is not autobiographical, just the thought "what if," and "what would you say to protect your ego on Valentine's Day."

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Jelly Rolls On My Jelly Rolls

I'm a wee bit overweight for sure But I've got much more to hug Got jelly rolls on my jelly rolls Just a big fat loveable lug Honey tried taking a picture of me Couldn't get me all in one frame Had to splice two frames together But she loves me a lot just the same I'm one big massive son of an elf Happiness sure turns my crank There ain't no happier blob around I've got my dear sweetie to thank At night I take up most of the bed Leaving little room for my honey So we have to cuddle up real close See this big elf ain't no dummy! Got jelly rolls on my jelly rolls © Jack Ellison 2012 Obviously I wrote this before going on my current weight loss binge.

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Woke up in the night,
Unable to to sleep.
Thought to myself,
To the bathroom I'll creep.

Don't want to wake,
My wife like before,
As I quietly tip toe,
Across the floor.

Can't sleep at night,
Of late it seems.
I toss and I turn,
And I have crazy dreams.

I look in the mirror,
Above the sink.
Oh No! Oh My God!
I think I need a drink!

Am I going crazy?
This couldn't be worse!
I must have contracted,
A family curse!

I look like the Wolf Man!
Oh No! This can't be!
Oh say it ain't so!
This can't be me!

Then I wake up.
I'm safe in my bed.
No more hair than normal,
Adorns chest, face and head.

I look at my wife,
So gentle and sweet,
As she lays here beside me,
And quietly sleeps.

Then I look closer.
Is that long hair for sure,
On her arms and her hands!?
Oh there MUST be a cure!!

                                          Judy Ball

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Our PS Triumvirate

Introducing our PS Triumvirate Carol, Susan, and me Born with a gene devoted to wee folk Living inside of we three Found each other after many long years Now everything else is forsaken A trio of souls like the world's never known Our slumbering minds are awakened One writes a poem that the other is writing With a similar title and theme Telepathic, coz how else can one explain Whatta strange phenomenon it seems So here's to us guys may we travel together Down poetry's path arm in arm Enriching each other and those that we touch With our talents, our spirit, our charm © Jack Ellison 2012 Our wish is that this poem inspires others to find their kindred souls here on the Soup

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Hitting a Writer's Block

I've hit a Writer's Block, I fear,
For now nothing makes sense,
My subject matter is farily bland,
I can't make it intense.

Perhaps I need a break from writing
But such ideas I cannot bear,
For I find joy in intriguing
All of my readers out there.

I've hit a Writer's Block, I think
It took out the rear tire
Of all the dreams I rode upon
Of the goals to which I aspire.

I look to the sky and beg for help,
Or some weird idea; I'd try
To use what I'm given to fix my dreams,
For if I don't write, I will die.

I've hit a Writer's Block; I might
Have injured it somewhat badly,
Unfortunately, as blocks don't die,
It will pursue me, madly.

What does a writer do, to have 
Earned such horrid fate?
Should I have had a headlight on
When I was writing late?

I've hit a Writer's Block; it's true,
Even as I now pen;
But the Writer's Block hit back,
And it will hit again.

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Black-eyed Peas and Hog Jowl

Black-eyed peas and hog jowl
That's what my grandma said.
Ham or bacon, but never foul.
And don't forget cornbread.

People up North may eat sauerkraut.
But in the South we eat collard greens.
The young and old, without a doubt
Know what this lucky meal means.

The more beans you eat
The more luck and good cheer,
A 365 bean gastric-atomic feat…
Tooting beans we all welcome the year.

Each in the family fully stuffing his face,
The well wishes soon squeak their way out.
Some of us eat at a very fast pace.
Then, “Happy New Year and Good Luck!” we all shout.

© January 5, 2011
Dane Smith-Johnsen

Written for the Poetry Soup Member Contest:  Good Luck Meal 
Sponsored by Russell Sivey

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Quacking Up at the Pharmacy

Poor Daffy Duck drove one morning to the pharmacy store
He had a nasty cold sore, and a prescription to fill
But then forgot his wallet, as he had rushed out the door
So he told the druggist, "Why not just put it on my bill?"

Daffy told the druggist..."Wow, there's a strange guy waiting!"
"Would you believe?  He's become invisible somehow!"
The druggist sighed, "But, I've got other people slated"
"Tell him, come back tomorrow....I can't see him right now!"

For John's Giggle Contest! :)

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Useless Info

An army of mites reside in our lashes
With mouths and tiny claws
Along the way during human evolution
This surely must be a flaw

Astronauts strangely can't burp in space
What kind of useless dribble is that
A feline can have over a hundred kittens
Now that's one pooped out cat

Some atheists put up Christmas trees
An identity crisis for sure
A cow can poop up to four tons a year
That's sure a big batch of manure

A woman once had sixty-nine children
Talk about barefoot and pregnant
With a dirty big bunch of kiddies like that
She could hold her own beauty pageant

Nose prints are used to identify dogs
Imagine if used them for humans
Especially during the influenza season
There'd be snot all over the policeman

The tallest people in the world are the Dutch
Must always duck around windmills
While kissing most tilt their head to the right
But there's some who rub noses still

The salary of Toto in “The Wizard Of Oz”
Was a hundred twenty dollars a week
That's a hundred and twenty more than me
Since retiring my new job is sleep

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Time is such an illusion,
though we deal with it each day.
But each of us must deal with
time in very different ways.

Some people try to buy time,
and some don't have enough.
Some people have so little time,
and some have way too much.

Some are asked to give the time,
while other have to take it.
Some will have to save some time,
and some find ways to make it.

Sometimes we see time dragging,
sometimes we watch it fly.
Sometimes we try to beat the time,
sometimes it passes by.

Yes time is just an illusion,
and it changes every day.
And each of us will notice
time, in very different ways.

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A Viagra Day

One standout day it was really 
Not in terms of “wonderful” but more a category of 
At the beach hotel for a week I decided to be 
So I tried a Viagra, just so I wouldn’t go home
I thought if one is good, two would be more
What occurred next should be put somewhere 
tongue in cheek
To say the least the next sixteen hours were 
But the smile didn’t leave that sweet face for
a week

Sep 30 2011 Charles Henderson
for Frank's "A standout day contest"

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The poem is missing somehing!
Oh my goodness - what could it be? 
It's got to be here somewhere...
Hey, wait - it's just missing a "t"? 

The poem WAS missing something
I"m sure glad it's been found 
Now I've got no worries
everything's safe an sound. 

But wait - now something's gone again
I'm squinting, but it's lost in plain sight 
I'm scratching my head till I realize - no worries
My spell checker will make it all write.


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What Big Beautiful Eyes You Have

Mushroom clouds cover the planet
And deadly viruses to advance the plan
An obsolete species draws its last breath
The dust settles on the skulls of man

Souls free to soar the heights
From the direction of alien minds
Too emotional to appreciate the splendor
For our unreasonably fear-based kind

The repopulation of the Earth
With a half-hybrid stoic people
Eyes as big as those we've all seen
In the tabloids that made us chuckle

Factories for test-tube breeding
As operational as an assembly line
Producing state-of-the-art organic widgets
DNA mixed with another alien bloodline

Souls sucked out of the atmosphere
Into new bodies we are embedded
Now able to control our impulses
The Neanderthal gene extracted

Like an employee of the month
Doing my job as been instructed
I have a sudden deja vu
From something beautifully sculpted

I notice an exceptional female
Some how I feel a connection
As if in some way I have known her
Feeling something called 'inspiration'

I follow her with like a puppy
Then she turns to look at me
All four enormous eyes soften
And we continue our beautiful telepathy

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Crazy Thoughts No 2

An army of mites reside in our lashes
With mouths and tiny claws
Along the road to human evolution
This surely is a major flaw

Astronauts strangely can't burp in space
What kind of useless dribble is that
A feline can have over a hundred kittens
Now that's one pooped out cat

Some atheists put up Christmas trees
An identity crisis for sure
A cow can poop up to four tons a year
That's sure a big batch of manure

A woman once had sixty-nine children
Talk about barefoot and pregnant
With a dirty big bunch of kiddies like that
She could hold her own beauty pageant

Nose prints are used to identify dogs
Imagine if they used them for humans
Especially during the influenza season... yuk!
There'd be snot all over the policeman

The salary of Toto in “The Wizard Of Oz”
Was a hundred twenty dollars a week
That's a hundred and twenty more than me
Since retiring my new job is sleep

The tallest people in the world are the Dutch
They surely must duck around windmills
While kissing most tilt their head to the right
But those Eskimos rub noses still

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Sweet Little Stubby

Feel all alone on a desert isle Since you left me without a word Please come back my sweet young thing I admit I've been quite a turd Hereby promise to honour and obey And be a good little hubby There's only one thing I insist on though Stop calling it a 'sweet little stubby' Very sensitive about the guy downstairs Been friends for quite a while Even stubbies have feelings you know So help him get back his sweet smile © Jack Ellison 2012

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Yee Haw Hot Java

Addicted? Who me?
Could stop any time
One cup a day?
Would do me just fine

Aside from the shakes
Freaking out now and then
Craving that fix
Going off the deep end

Trust me I'm fine
Not being deceitful
Shakes aren't a problem
'Cept threading a needle

But I'll have to admit
Some lives have been ruined
Caffeine's the nemesis
Cut down on the brewin'

Whoever discovered it
Was a downright putz
To cause so much grief
With one li'l ole cup!

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Silly Old Jester

They call me a silly old jester
A title I'm proud to possess
Love making people titter and giggle
Some dribble all over their dress

Don't mean to cause embarrassment
If some of you can't keep control
Numerous trips to the little boy's room
Heading straight for the porcelain bowl

Hope it's not causing mental anguish
If you soil your tighty whities
Or when you ladies start squirming around
As you sit there in your nightie

Forgot to tell you, got your place bugged
I can see right into your home
You know up there on your mantelpiece
There's a camera inside that gnome

Some consider it an invasion of privacy
But it's good for this old grey noodle
Watching you giggle and wiggle about
Having fun like a frisky young poodle

They call me a silly old jester
A title I'm proud to possess
An honour I'll cherish till my very last day
Make 'em laugh, that's my lifelong quest

© Jack Ellison 2012

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Leo The Lion

I'm Leo the Lion, I am, I am
From the mystical world of the Astrology
I'm generous, strong and warmhearted
That's if you believe in symbology

Not making this up, check it out
Masculine, positive and extroverted
If I listen too carefully, my head will swell
Which should definitely be averted

My wife suggested widening the doorways
Or I might severely injure my brain
Methinks my honey's being a bit facetious
But I love her a bunch just the same

I'm Leo the Lion, I am, I am
Just a fun loving guy who enjoys life
They also say I'm very broad-minded
Love broads but don't tell my wife!

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Memory of Bread

Whenever I smell warm loaves of bread
The mouth-watering smell gets me thinkin'
Of my childhood at my grandparents' house
And kneading bread dough in the kitchen.

When I bite into bread, fresh from the oven
The present is soon chased away,
For I'm back baking bread with my Lola
Though I can't bake my own bread today.

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Personal Summer

She fans her face throughout the day
the ac drops begin
I bundle in my warmest clothes
then terror strikes again

The ac s off the heat now on
I take off all my clothes
She slips into her winter coat
sweat dripping on my toes

It's twenty two degrees outside
I think she's lost her mind
A guy can only take so much
I think I'll drink more wine

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NO,    REALLY. . . . . . 

‘That dress is nice’ means it is ok but it hardly amazes
‘No honestly, that dress is really nice’ means it is kinda nice-ish, oooh.
For genuine admiration I need to add more reassurance phrases: 
‘No, honestly, I absolutely think it is nice  - I really do’

‘Are you busy?’  means  “ I’ve got a  problem: stop and listen”
Indirect way of implying concern for the other, but not really.
But   “ I’m busy”  means   “Don’t come to me to unburden,
Don’t start getting emotional and all  touchy-feely.”

“How are you? Hey, lookin’ good”  is  a harmless salutation
But  please don’t give me any detailed answer, just nod.
I don’t have time for a complete and thorough investigation
Of all which is due to your health, your wealth and your God.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Written by Sydney Peck
Entered in Nancy Jones’s  Contest      When I Say.... what I really mean is...

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An Ever Present Danger

Sneezes travels at about 100 mph 40,000 droplets are ejected Traveling almost eleven feet Much further than expected Wondering if that applies to farts Heard they can be quite deadly Blowing big holes in undies Emitting an odorous medley Clocked at almost 10 feet per second That's roughly about 7 miles per hour Capable of setting fire to your jeans Have wilted pretty flowers People have been seriously injured Not wearing protective gear The recoil action can drive them Into walls and objects near Actually heard of this one poor chap Who's not longer able to speak The utterly intense reverberation Reduced his voice to a squeak Well now don't say I didn't warn you Bout this ever present danger Take heed and do have a happy life Advice from a caring stranger © Jack Ellison 2012

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Stereotype Enforced by a Storm

While I appreciate the vacation
it would have been better if it were paid.
Funds lessened by nature’s aggravation,
lends credence to the starved artist charade.

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Expeeding The Skimlet

I sometimes have trouble expressing myself My words at times are misleading Like when I wanted to relate to my grandson The car that passed us was speeding These are the words that actually came out “That car is EXPEEDING THE SKIMLIT”! He looked at me strangely and rolled his eyes And said “My grandpa's a dimwit”! My sister is afflicted with a similar disease Passing some orange groves one day Told us the row of rundown shacks Is where “The MIGRAINE WORKERS stay”! Another winner from my dear lovable sister The doc said there's a chance that maybe Because her daughter was having such difficulty “They might have to SEDUCE THE BABY”! One more of these gems then I really must go I was trying to describe this little tike “Look over there,” I told my dear wifey-poo “At that KID ON A RED-HAIRED BIKE”! © Jack Ellison 2013

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I am curthed with a lithp, 
there'th no rethpite in thight,
cannot mathter my thpeech, 
can't ecthpreth my thore plight.

Got a cold in by node,
cannot rethtrain a thneethe,
my condition'th pathetic,
I'm down on my kneeth!

I'll thtrive to be fearleth,
to thubdue my thtreth, 
but I'm lothing the fight
to thuthtain happineth!

...with apologies

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An Extraordinary Beauty Pageant

Our community is organizing a beauty pageant
That's doesn't seem uncommon, right?
The difference is, this pageant ain't for girls
Hang on now, this might give you a fright!
To be eligible to enter our competition
You must be breathing if only a tad
But one thing that's really different from others
You must be male and possess great abs!

Fortunately I'm blessed with a body to die for
So the others don't stand a chance
When it comes to the evening gown competition
So stunning, all will know at a glance

The thrill and excitement just boggles the mind
The big networks will surely all be there
David Letterman will interview the winner
People will be coming from everywhere

Right on schedule, the alarm clock goes off
Putting an end to my silly adventure
As I get up and stagger over to the mirror
I flash my pearly white dentures!

©Jack Ellison 2012

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What A Day

No matter what I do,
No matter what I say,
It's not in the cards
To go my way.

I grab my shoes,
They're tied in a knot.
I brush my hair,
But my teeth I forgot.

I jump in my car
To be on my way,
But once again,
I have a delay.

The battery's dead.
The engine won't fire.
Now look at that,
I've got a flat tire.

No matter what I do,
No matter what I say,
It seems things aren't
Gonna go my way.

When I get to work,
Quite late and tired,
The boss comes at me
With, "Goodbye, you're fired."

With my head hung low,
From a day full of woes,
I look for my car,
But find its been towed.

Now I've had enough
To drive me insane,
But I really don't have
Anyone else to blame.

For no matter what I do,
No matter what I say,
Today wasn't meant
To go my way.

I Just Can't Win Contest

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A Short Dissertation On Flatulance

A short dissertation on a natural phenomenon
That takes place many times every day
Sometimes at the most inopportune moments
Like in a theatre at a Shakespearian play

If the emission has a really pungent odour
Folks will certainly notice the foul breeze
However, the criteria is it must be silent
As you inadvertently cut the cheese

An essence of chutney is actually not bad
If accompanied by a hint of geraniums
But these highfaluting people must be warned
It can sometimes damage their craniums

So that's all I will say about this taboo subject
Hope you enjoyed it as I did from the start
Please don't call it a vulgar flatulence
Just call it by its happy name... fart!

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Bunny Wabbits

A cute little girl enters the pet store “What can I do for you?” Asked the store clerk The little girl was missing some front teeth, “A bunny wabbit”, she said with a smirk We have lots bunnies’ right over here How about that pretty fluffy white one? That brown one looks like one you can cuddle And that slick black one would surely be fun Take your pick Honey; they’re really nice Our bunnies are lovable as they get Well, I’ve got to tell you the truth mister I don’t think my pet python gives a shit!

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The Land Of Lip Service

a searing indictment of
contemporary American society
just a bit of fun!

They seem to have forgotten common courtesy, 
'Have A Nice Day!' rings so hollow, it's a shame;
they're so mired in mediocrity 
and no one ever, ever takes the blame. 

Overweight, yet under-nourished, 
over-sexed and under-intellectual, 
they preen and pose their way 
to self-importance, perpetually ineffectual. 

They clutch desperately on to their perceptions, 
their DVD's and plasma TV screens; 
they're rushing blindly to the brink of self-destruction, 
never caring for a moment what life means.

So I'll have a cup of tea and read Jane Austen, 
self-righteous, showing smug English reserve, 
and laugh at all their cheesy indiscretions 
while I cheer their unimaginable nerve!

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Giggly Pills

My dear old mummy and daddy Took giggly pills 'fore I was born It's the reason I came out a jester Right away started tossing out corn Chuckles soon became ingrained Even therapy didn't work The therapist soon got afflicted too By this same old silliness quirk The only cure that's known to man Watch the news on TV every day Guaranteed to get rid of your happy A week will do it, I'd say So give it a shot, my dear, dear friends It'll fill you with so much joy The sun will shine brightly every day The world, your brand new toy © Jack Ellison 2012

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Gut In Stinked

I've got a funny gut instinct
L.Casei.Imunitas gone extinct
Cos my gut it really stinked
So much so my nose it blinked.

I think you'd agree from the smell
My insides are bubbling like hell
Loud rumble, grumble as my stomach yells
The squelch and the splosh of the soggy log that fell.

Have a wee and feel some poo
The inner turmoil i'm going through
Speckles of brown decorate the loo
Always afraid of the follow through.

The velocity inside my fart
The power as my bum cheeks part
As the wet tumbling mudslide does start
Goodbye dinner and apple tart.

The frequent trips to the loo i make
To dispose of something like choccy milkshake
Sitting upon some kind of silo lake
Lets hope the air-con doesn't break.

A hundred wipes some will still remain
Wet white paper with a brown yukky stain
And all the things you find down the drain
I'm so glad i'm not on an aeroplane!

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A Real Charmer

I'm haunted by this image of someone
With a smile that lights up the room
Colourful teeth that are oh so enticing
Often seen riding a broom

Legs with knees meet in the middle
Big footsies the size of canoes
Hair like a mass of squirmy worms
Breath smelling a lot like pooh

Gangly arms hanging down to her knees
Eyes that look in a different directions
Gnarly fingers so bent and boney
Quite a sight sure gets your attention

Forgive me for running off at the mouth
T'was an alarming vision I saw
A nightmare to end all nightmares for sure
A vision of my dear mother-in-law!

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Chuckles, Giggles, And Guffaws

Chuckles, giggles and guffaws
That's the only way to fly
Find silliness in all everyday things
Tears of joy will fill your eyes

In fact if you're not careful
You'll infect your fellow man
Before you can say "pink panties"
Loonies will be running the land

Now wait a minute let me see
They already are I'm afraid
They resemble a flock of turkeys
Look at the mess they've made

We pay them scads of money
To perform their comedic routine
That won't change any time soon
So enjoy your plate of poutine

Always look on the bright side of life
Things have got to get better
So why not try to enjoy yourself
And just carry on unfettered

©Jack Ellison 2012

“Poutine” is a French Canadian dish of french fries, cheese curds, and rich dark brown gravy! YUM! A heart attack on a plate!

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Got Jelly Rolls On My Jelly Rolls

I'm a wee bit overweight for sure
But I've got much more to hug
Got jelly rolls on my jelly rolls
Just a big fat loveable lug

Honey tried taking a picture of me
Couldn't get me all in one frame
Had to splice two frames together
But she loves me just the same

I'm one big massive son of an elf
Fun times sure turn my crank
There ain't no happier blob around
I've got my dear sweetie to thank

At night I take up most of the bed
Leaving little room for my honey
So we have to cuddle up real close
See this elf ain't no dummy!

Got jelly rolls on my jelly rolls

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Crazy Thoughts No 5

It's been estimated that at any one time
One per cent of the world is drunk
Actually thought it'd be a whole lot higher
My friends are always drunk as a skunk

World's shortest man was 20 inches tall
Had to have his Jockeys specially made
Wives want more sex in their romance novels 
Guys have got it made in the shade

Half of Americans over age fifty-five
No longer possess their own choppers
Be careful if you get into a fight with one
They'll gum you to death right proper

In a average lifetime, humans usually eat
About sixty thousand pounds of food
That's equal to the weight of six elephants
Or 300 people in the nude

The average person walks the equivalent
Of twice round the world 'fore they die
No wonder we all feel so totally run down
Pretty amazing between you and I

© Jack Ellison 2012

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I've Been Used and Asbused

He bought me while in the drug store
I was wrapped up with four others
I had my own paper wrapper
With red stars, just like my brothers

When outside, he opened the pack
Pinched my bottom and pulled me out
My wrapper he stuck in his pants
At that point, my fate was in doubt

Then he tossed me into his mouth
And that was when all hell broke loose
As he chomped me all out of shape
His chewing then brought on the juice

This continued for an hour
It was a century to me
Then he put me in my wrapper
 shaped like a ball; wet as can be

Now since he’d had his way with me
He just tossed me out of the car
Now I’m lying in the gutter
Stuck to my wrapper with red stars

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My Old Cat Herman

My old cat Herman sure looks like vermin When we douse him with a bucket of water His teeth start to chatter, gets mad as a hatter His master, he'd sure like to slaughter! With unearthly growls, slinks round on the prowl For a spot to get back his lost dignity Under the couch he retreats like a grouch We crack up in a mood of frivolity! One day we'll pay for this game that we play Herman's gonna rip away at our flesh With an unearthly meow, like a demon from hell He'll pounce - his dignity refreshed! So here's what I learned bout the time I got burned By this human-like piece of machinery We've now learned a truth, Herm does rule the roost He's responsible for a change in the scenery! © Jack Ellison 2012

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THEY CALL ME AUSSIE "Hey Aussie", they call in a friendly, loving way, Never Liz or Lizzie or Beth, or any other given name. Just plain old Aussie, seems it's always been that way, Tho' I've been here 30 years or more it's now become a game. "Hey, what's my name?" I ask with a poke and a wink, "C'mon," I say, "Surely you know after all this time?" They stop and stare and turn a little pink, It's been so long since intros were made, my name has slipped their mind! c ELR 2013

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Strapping My Victim To An ACME Rocket

Deep inside of me
Lurks a fat and lazy presence
Like Darth Vader without his helmet
Cornerstone in my inner residence

We have always walked together
I'm only recently becoming aware
Of this life-draining saboteur
Whose influence has always been there

They're all out to get us, David
And nobody really cares
The devil, and the government
And none of this is fair

By the way, where are we going?
I'm hot, and I need a drink
I sure hope we get there soon
Because I need something to eat

I love you so much, David
I depend on you so much
The world is such a scary place
And everyone is attacking us

What does ACME mean?
Hey!!, why are you tying me up?
This is what the terrorists do
So you had better stop

The terrorists huh? blah, blah, blah
Remember seeing, What About Bob?
I'm going to launch your sorry ass
You stupid disgusting slob

Then I light the fuse
I look into his pathetic eyes
Hasta la vista, you piece of filth
And shoot his worthless ass into the sky

His face in utter terror
Feeling the awesome lift
I yell, It's just like you thought, huh?
You fat disgusting shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

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Old As Dirt

How old are you?
Old as dirt
When I was young
Men wore skirts

No such things
As jockeys then
Guys bent over
Showing Big Ben

Men were men
And ladies demure
No skin showing
But still had allure

Just goes to prove
Defining what's hot
Is what we imagine
Not what you've got

Forgive us guys
It's how we're built
But you've been seen
Looking up our kilt

The moral is this
Believe it or not
Men chase women
Till guys get caught!

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Even Kissed My Sister

Ever received a refund from the government
For excitement, nothing even comes close
Totally flipped out, danced around like an idiot
Even kissed my sister, how gross!!!

Going out on the town, gonna eat like a piggie
Gonna drink till I lose my sight
Probably spend a bunch, then spend some more
Till I'm eating Kraft Dinner every night

What good fortune but based on my history
They've probably made a terrible error
Mixed me up with some guy down the street
Who resides at 1060, Unit Four

Now that I've blown the budget for the year
I'll be moving from my current residence
Maybe disappear, pitch a tent in the woods
Eat blackberries from this day hence

Ever received a refund from the government
Please listen to this friendly advice
Make sure they haven't screwed you around
Before you blow what's left of your life!

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Strokes of sour power

Why would I wanna be lemon or lime?
When I could be lemon marang
It might feel good in my haven sublime
But there’s more left to do than just hang
The bumps and wrinkles of my skin
Reminds of some latter acne stage
But flavored juices from within
Show wisdomed hours on each turning page
Through leaves way up in the shady tree
The sun so often leaves me tanned
With hunger pains you came and picked me
Braving brush with wavering hand 
Nothing beats the view from up top
So high, it shows your dedication
Barked with lines that time can’t stop
For me a win-win situation
Convert me into something sweet
Or you could turn on your crusade 
To masquerade with sourpuss treats
And call yourself the lemon aide
No, leave me hanging high and dry
With shriveled smiles before I fall
I choose to remain here in the sky
Untouched till topsoil sprouts reform 
Who’s ever heard of a sour brigade?
That laughs and likes to play the fool
All gay and taunting the days away
The greatest trick I’ll ever pull

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                                     THE WATERMELON THIEVES

Once when I was oh so young,
My mom decided she,
Would show us where some melons grew,
Beneath some large orange trees.

A farmer man she knew of,
Grew them there she said,
So folks would leave alone the fruit,
That grew above their head.

The melons were okay to take.
Just let the oranges be,
So off we went to pick some,
My mom, my sis and me.

I was only five years old,
So I sat in the car,
With Mama's friend who drove us there,
No light from moon or stars;

Because the orange trees blocked their light,
And I was sore afraid,
Because it was so dark in there,
Hidden in the glade.

Suddenly I saw my mom,
Running like the wind,
Right behind her came my sis,
A melon 'neath each limb.

Then in a flash my mom went down,
She tripped and broke her melons.
"Run Ruth, Run!" I heard her say,
They're runnin' and they're yellin'.

Mother! Wait! I heard Sis call,
For she had gone down too,
Stepped in a rotten one and fell,
They both were in a stew.

A flashlight beam then pierced the dark,
They made the car just barely;
And we took off just like a shot,
Took out the fence gate squarely.

We made it back home just past one.
They laughed until they cried.
I was so young I just sat there,
Agape with my eyes wide.

My mother had skinned both her shins,
My sister, she smelled funny,
Because that melon she stepped in,
Was rotten and real funky.

Some thought my mom as mothers go,
Not what you'd call high scoring,
But I can tell you life back home,
For sure was never boring.

                                                     Judy Ball


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Like a dose of penicillin,
beverage extraordinaire,
it warms you when you're chillin',
just relaxin' in your chair.

In times of tribulation
when you cannot see the light,
choose the tried and true libation, 
a brew'll set you right.

The healing virtues of this potion
must not be misconstrued,
every Englishman'll tell ya
that a cuppa'll fix your mood!

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Once upon a londerdong
A rafko sang a song
He whalode a frizly melody
And the shabbers sang along

All the sudden he grabed his derk
He tried to play, but it didn't work
He splazang off stage
Then he went splizzerk

He snatched a maldent by his lip
And reached for a weapon strapped to his hip
The crowd turned and saw the event
They swagged out the door as they tried not to trip

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Woodpecker Serenade

Do you hear the distant code that the hungry pecker makes, 
it echoes amid the pines and across the shimmering lakes.
For miles you can hear his persistent Rata-tat-tat; 
forever hunting for that big bug or tiny little gnat.

It escapes thought how he obsessively hammers away, 
not only during the night but constantly during the day.
Doesn’t he ever get tired of that Rata-tat-tat... noise,
how can he clinch tirelessly and retain good poise?

Outside my sleeping window; high up in pine tree, 
is that blasted woodpecker serenading me.
Rata-tat-tat all day he sings his woodpecker hymn, 
I am beginning to wish he would fall off that limb.

It has been weeks since I have had any sleep, 
my eyelids droop and I have tried counting sheep.
Rata-tat-tat, there goes that red-headed bird again; 
maybe I need to stop…write about a quiet wren.

Copyright © 2010 By Caryl S. Muzzey

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Ode to the Haiku

Oh haiku – how I do love you!
With your sweet simplicity and gentle refrain 
You fetter me to petite joys
Allowing me to…oh dear - I wrote a quatrain!

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A Unique Parting Gift

Gave my dear Ex a parting gift A lovely comfortable chair But I'm really not allowed to turn it on It's a felony in this land so fair! I'm not to blame if her latest hubby Made a very big mistake And lit her up like a Christmas Tree Smelling like an overdone steak As he watched his lover bake away He sported this evil grin It seemed that things weren't all that great With my dear sweet Ex and him So on her epitaph was written this “I loved receiving gifts” But this one was really too hot to handle Sure gave her ending a twist! © Jack Ellison 2012

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Naughty Santa

Oh you big ol' sexy Santa man
Won't you don your big red suit
you make me hot and bothered
you just look so dog gone cute

Your beard is white and yummy
Your eyes are naughty too
I know deep down you want me
You know what I want to do

Grab me in your Santa arms 
And carry me to your sleigh
I'll close my eyes and fantasize
My wish will come my way

Oh you big ol' sexy Santa man
Send your reindeer on their way
So me and you can get real hot 
in your naughty Santa Sleigh

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The Ageing Process

Noticed my skin is like sandpaper
Blotches showing up everywhere
A pimple resides at the end of my nose
Some areas have unwanted hair

What has happening to this body of mine
Seems it's just about falling apart
Ankles are swollen to twice their size
Been expelling a whole lot of farts

It's referred to as the ageing process
Is this what's in store from now on
No more of this sleeping in until noon
Always up at the crack of dawn

Needing to pee three times a night
My back teeth are floating around
Cramps in my legs are driving me nuts
And my PJs keep falling down

A hell of a mess this ageing process
Not a damn thing a person can do
Hang in there my friend it won't be long
The grim reaper will be calling on you!

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Nothing sounds happier 
Than snickers or giggles
The words even cause us to laugh
Perhaps we could invent
A new one or two
Like sniggles or snickles or glaffs

It's all for the benefit
Of us human kind
In this world of turmoil and grief
There's hilarious words
Like loopsies or cleepers
Or how bout a hand full of meef

I know what you're thinking
Call the men in white coats
This fellow's gone over the edge
The pressures of dealing
With everyday living
Has caused this fellow to skredge

So you see how it works?
You'll never be stumped
To fill out the end of a rhyme
You'll win blue ribbons
For your wonderful phrases
And save a scritchy of time

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4 in less than forty continued read next first

Is that two, in sixteen minutes flat
This one must now have short lines
I usually keep form, also word stat
What rhymes with lines, I know vines

This one is sillier than those before
It’s becoming very obvious to the eye
I think I won’t be able to complete 4
Did I use 4 instead of four, oh this guy

This guy a term often used in a jest
Basically means that I am a clown
I think this is not even funny at best
I may end up giving myself a frown

I am now freestyling, oh it’s so fun
Word say that the f word isn’t a word
I will use it anyway so I can be done
Word gets not a falcon, but a dirty bird

Just when I thought I couldn’t do 4
Haha I was able to use it a second time
I think that’s the 4th time for time now
But I wouldn’t even bet ½ of a plug dime

That’s a nickel written in fraction form
Not really that clever for an american guy
That’s three times for guy, not my norm
I now myself am left to even question why

Well I do not plan on arriving late to my spot
That would defeat the purpose of this test
It would also leave my appointment hot
I would be beaten with a stick at very best

No they wouldn’t literally beat me to a pulp
But they wouldn’t approve of my activity
They would say that I am an ignorant dope
That I  have a real lack any kind of sensitivity

I must close this one with an extra stanza
What the bloody heck rhymes with that
I could make something up, wow bonanza
No that’s not my word, I’m a copy cat

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Inquiring minds need to know
why some things make no sense.
Like why the grass is greener 
on the other side of the fence?
And why is it when we're shopping,
looking for Pants to wear,
even though we buy just one,
they always come in pairs?
There's simply no rhyme or reason,
no wisdom, clues, or tips,
that explain why shipments are sent by Cars,
and cargo is sent by Ships.
Another puzzling question that puts 
understanding on the spot,
is why we park on driveways,
and drive on parking lots?
And what about this Teflon,
a modern miracle of Man.
If nothing sticks to Teflon,
how'd they stick it to the pan?
These are just some questions
that keeps us puzzled so.
And we'll keep searching for the answers,
because inquiring minds need to know.

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Little Miss

Little Miss Princess.
Little Miss Me.
Little Miss Oreo.
Little Miss Believe.

Little Miss Hopeful.
Little Miss Naive.
Little Miss Trustworthy.
Little Miss Decieved.

Little Miss Too Caring.
Little Miss Watch Out.
Little Miss Can't Let Go.
Little Miss Remember Every Thought.

Little Miss I Love You.
Little Miss Can't Be Bought.
Little Miss Bad Habits.
Little Miss Never Get Caught.

Little Miss Too Stubborn.
Little Miss Kiss My Ass.
Little Miss Thought You Had Me.
Little Miss Much Too Fast.

Little Mis-Understanding.
Little Miss Attitude.
Little Miss You Don't Have To Like Me.
Little Miss Sometimes Rude.

Little Miss Hyper-Active.
Little Miss Independent.
Little Miss Look But Don't Touch.
Little Miss You Can't Have It.

Little Miss Priss-less.
Little Miss Doing Me.
Little Miss Oreo.
Little Miss Best Believe.

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You Coulda Walked

Not everyone's enamoured by my humour At risk of my head being bopped Say things in jest that are taken as serious Chancing a punch in the chops Like when I once said to a very large lady Pressing two in the up elevator “That's just one floor, you coulda walked!” Almost ended up on the floor Another time down in Old Cape Cod In a store getting out of the sun A lady knocked over a large display stand Yelled “Now look what you've done!” Dear Cathie turned ten shades of purple She was just about to blow a gasket However, luckily cooler heads prevailed Considered myself quite fortunate “Look before you leap” as the saying goes Often insert my foot in my mouth Runs the risk of hard blows to the head And injury to my parts down south © Jack Ellison 2013

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Has this ever happened to you, my friends
Was walking my sweetie down the lane
When out pops a sign post and belts me one
Rattles me and shakes up my brain

Was trying to impress my sweetie pie
There was nothing but love on my mind
No doubt my honey was quite unimpressed
Thought I was an idiot of some kind

Tried hard to pretend it was no big deal
As stars buzzed round in my noodle
Attempted to speak only gibberish came out
Affected my whole kit and caboodle

I've always been known as a bit of a klutz
But now try to avoid any shocks
My sweetie and me still enjoy the scenery
But I wear a helmet on our walks!

@Jack Ellison 2012

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A Bright New World

We really thought this was virgin soil
When we sailed upon this land so vast
As we drifted into a secluded cove
Thought we'd stumbled upon the past

Natives sure looked very much like us
But they wore the skimpiest clothes
With only one or two piece coverings
Not a bad looking group by jove

We motioned to them in sign language
We're friendly and we've come in peace
But much to our utter astonishment
They spoke our language with ease

Seems we had stumbled on a sandy beach
On the southwest coast of the state
These natives were actually vacationers
They thought our sailing ship was great

It was really all quite embarrassing
We played dumb and pretended we knew
Said it was our lame attempt at humour
As we thanked them and bid them adieu

So we all got back in our sailing ship
And waved them a fond farewell
We'll never forget our trip to the past
It's a tale for our grandkids to tell

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I don't love you for your wit
You're always spitting bile.
Reluctantly  I now admit
I do not love your smile.

Nor do love your manly touch
And I don't love your smell.
I just don't love you very much,
So why's your silence hell?

I do not miss your lilting voice,
Nor do I miss your kiss.
I've never seen your laughing eyes
So what is there to miss? 

I don't love your hand in mine
It's strictly for the birds.
Without your love I'm doing fine,
But how I miss your words.

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Forlorn and lost, without a home
He wandered on the street
His hair knew neither comb nor brush
No shoes encased his feet

His hunger told him he must eat
Though food was hard to fing
Then, in the park, a crumpled bag 
Someone had left behind

Some 'burger scraps, a few cold 'fries
It seemed like just the thing
A drink of water from the lake
Made him feel like a king

He took a nap, but soon awoke
A storm was breaking o'er
He saw the light'ning's fearsome flash
Heard thunder's mighty roar

He finally found shelter
In a closed-up storefront's door
Exhausted, shiv'ring, wet and cold
He sank down on the floor

Just then, a voice compassionate
Said softly "You poor guy
You shouldn't be out in this storm
No need to ask you why"

She took him home, and warmed him up
She saw that he was fed
And then, when all te house was quiet
She took him to her bed

As he lay there besideher
He thought "Life's not all bad
This surely is the greatest  girl
A puppy ever had"

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Baker Man

She was longing for her creamy donut
To linger long on her tongue,
She squeezed the sides and to her surprise
It squirted all over her bum.

The big Bermondsey baker man
Shook like an oversized oaf
At silly situations of tasty temptations
As he always liked having a loaf.

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My Alter Ego

I've had an 'out of body experience'
So you can't blame me for what I did
My alter ego perpetrated the crime
To do such a thing I'm too timid

I'm totally innocent of this heinous act
I'd have had to be devoid of all morals
Listen I still do have a few of them left
With that you surely can't quarrel

This heinous act of stealing a kiss
Had crossed my mind a few times
But being such a timid soul that I am
Never thought of crossing the line

So I plead 'not guilty' of any wrong doing
It was Oscar my mischievous friend
Tends to run amok every once in a while
This dude I'm always having to defend

But I give him props he's about to confess
To absolve me of any naughtiness
The only one thing I could be guilty of
Is fantasizing to the point of excess

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Goodbye Fall with all the auburn leaves of the reddest sunset,
goodbye crackling path where I met the last songbirds,
whose melody accompained me to winter's doors;
and with deep sadness I kept on looking back.

Welcome gloomy winter with short afternoons and long evenings;
watching the advancing shadows and loudly hearing
the furious sound of the squall rampaging the stately trees,
and making them weep when the icy rain comes down with lightining. 

Sitting in a rattling, rocking chair, I peruse through pages of sunny places afar,
forgetting the dreariness of this frigid season and be consoled by a warm fire;  
and still nostalgia abounds...thinking of the pleasant strolls of a past season,
which thrilled me with its colors, and through delight I justified my reason. 

O winter, don't linger as you always have...shorten your stay, avoid foul play; 
and could I ever stand a pale sun, hardly giving off with its luminiscence,
in this house hidden among the maples and the pines of a squalid valley?
Old winter, don't mislead me with days without snow...that's utter pretense!

Goodbye explorer fedora hat keeping my dreamer's head cool, 
sparing my skin another ugly wrinkle, allowing late beauty to rule;   
goodbye iced coffee sipped from my Big Apple plastic cup,
which I bought along Fifth Avenue in a crowded, variety shop. 

Ummerciful winter, pity the desperate state I am in,
reduce the wrath of your devastation, step inside and to tell me your amazing tales...
hoping that I will write them down for everyone to read and enjoy for immortal ages;
relentless winter, reduce the dreariness of this frigid season.

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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Sometimes takes pain
Find worthy gain
Rather have sprain
Don't mix up brain!

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My wife demanded “come on and take this car and park it”
Oh heavens, wifey poo, what happens if we’re late for the market?
I really didn’t want any more loud conversation and neither did she
And to see if I was close enough to the curb she actually measured it accurately

So we go through the islands of rising prices
And the snack aisle was arranged by a demon’s devices,
We passed cookies and cakes, bread and bottled water
And of course condoms for our sixteen year old daughter

Our daughter is hyper-concerned with what we purchased today
She checks out the products and what the ingredients say
While little Billy is acting silly on isle six because that’s what children do
And he gets Fruit Loops or he’ll  hold his breath until his face turns blue

My little girl said “this one is made of glass, and this one is made of plastic| 
Dad, please tell Billy to be quiet because the situation is drastic
Glass can be recycled but plastic will be here for my great grandson to find 
so we brought a cloth bag because recycling should be in every heart and mind
     © 2011.…Phreepoetree ~free cee!~
Please help me save this puny planet that pathetic people are pissing or puking upon purposefully in good shape for Mr. Travis Ian

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I really look forward to brekkie each morning It's my favourite meal of the day Chickens, without doubt, are my favourite creatures Laying eggs by the dozen without pay But I don't want 'em to think they're irreplaceable Their heads will get too big for the coop They're bound to wind up when their laying's done In a bowl of scrumptious chicken soup Piggies really shouldn't get too complacent either There's only one reason for their existence The chopping block is their final destination Unless the farmer, they can outdistance Hey you Mr. Spud, don't think you're superior Your days are numbered for sure Those hash browns with gravy are a real favourite With onions and just a scent of manure Holy cadoodle! I'm drooling in my PJs My age apparently doesn't matter The thought of all those yummy brekkie goodies Can still make my heart go pitter patter © Jack Ellison 2012

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It's Time to Take Out the Eraser (For Rub It Out Contest Sponsored by: Paula Swanson)

It’s Time to Take Out the Eraser

There once was a boy and his mom
They explored and had fun in their camper.
But the Everglades in June…mosquitoes!
It’s Time to take out the eraser!

There once was an avid fossil collector
Looking for shark's teeth without fear.
A great white swam near; she screamed…oh, dear –
It’s Time to take out the eraser! 

There once was an innocent girl
She fell in love; but he was no bachelor –
So much for studying; “making her way in the world.”
It’s Time to take out the eraser!

There once was a young reckless driver
That used to be a video game winner.
He cut off a big wheeler in one-day…play?
It’s Time to take out the eraser!  

There once were lovers strolling together.
Sweetly holding hands at the arbor. 
Homing pigeons flew above…hundreds!
It’s Time to take out the eraser!

There once was a poet in a contest.
She wrote too many words…not a miser.
Readers of her poem did not laugh.
It’s Time to take out the eraser!

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The Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

You have to take the legs and hold them open
Careful not to separate the legs too wide
Make sure there’s nothing blocking the entrance
Then get your stuffing and stick it inside.

Make sure the oven has been warmed up a while
You want to make sure this is done just oh so right
Take the legs again and tie them together.
Yeah, that’s it, don’t worry, it can’t be too tight.

You want to butter the skin to retain the moisture
Never do you want it to burn and just dry
Carefully season with all you have to offer
Stick it…in the oven and let out a sigh.

Now, the time that it takes is oh so important
You never want to rush and leave it not yet done
Carefully watch and occasionally baste it
Savor the juices! Just let them run!

Be ever so careful when it has finally finished
You’ll want to take it out and let it sit for a spell
Cover it up though, with a nice wet warm towel
Take it slow, you’ll eat and know it was done so well!

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Let Me Count Thy Faults

How do I love thee? Let me count thy faults.
Many to list, many to count, many more to say,
Things to fix, things to change, oh!
I should have told you all this yesterday.

Your nose is long, your ears are longer,
Your eyes like glassy golf balls slick with slime.
Your hair is tangled, your coat looks ruffled,
Fido, get out of here, you’re wasting my time!

Oh honey, dear, that wasn’t to you!
I was only talking to the dog!
But its true, your eyebrows are thick,
Your cheeks bulge like a frog.

You want this, you want that,
Oh, must I buy you that new blouse?
Your jeans are crinkled, socks are wrinkled,
But, of course, you don’t look lousy! 

Your teeth are crooked, your hands are knarled,
Your pimples clustered and grouped.
Surely you must offer me more
Than the hag standing before me so stooped.

But darling, dear, I love you so,
I’ll buy you all you want!
For love is all I need to have
To shield my eyes from all your faults.

Inspired by Elizabeth Barret Browning's Sonnet 43

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Hirsute's been my inclination,
beard, and mustache too,
I've never liked to shave my face
since I was twenty-two.

Call me vain, I love my visage, 
even though I'm turning grey,
Hemingway had nothing on me,
even though he paved the way

to be a model for my kind,
though l can't be that kind of man,
yet I'll strive to look like him,
and emulate him when I can.

Adventurer, a big game hunter,
activities I don't embrace,
the closest that I'll get to Ernest
is the hair upon my face!

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An Odd Addiction

I am addicted to poetry,
An alarming fact--but true.
What is one who suffers so
Even supposed to do?

Are not addictions something bad
From which to be withdrawn?
Yet I am unable to be pulled away
From writing poems for long.

My very speech has grown to match
My writing habits so strange,
That I fear my family dear
Might think of me deranged!

Of course, my condition isn't new,
So there might be a cure
I've heard TV can help my case,
But now I'm not so sure.

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Sofa pyromaniacs are skilled to put it mildly. 
Fueled fiercely by gasoline (as is fitting)	 
Or by kerosene burning wildly,
They enjoy a fire to warm their sofa-sitting.

In anger are the flames incepted on the two-seater?
Or by simple accident of cigar or match?
Maybe the cat stumbled over the gas-heater
And then sat nearby to warm and watch?

But however the inferno got started bright,
What caused its plunge to earth
Like a shooting star or meteorite?
Did people push it, for malice or mirth?

To manhandle a burning sofa is a skill  -
Out of a window eight floors up.  If that’s their aim
They’d have to get it balanced on the windowsill
Before igniting the flame.

Oh the joy in their eyes :
Just push - and see the sofa incandescent
Recede and diminish in size
On its plunging earthward descent.

Then the son-et-lumiere display
From the crunch and splitting sound  -
And oh the splendor bright as day
As the glowing hulk meets the ground.

And passing viewers catch their breath
From this Viking-funeral excitement;
And from their close brush with a fiery death  -
Crushed by a hot chaise-longue into the pavement.

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A Weird Thought

Are there vegan alligators?
I hesitate to think;
For if a gator lived that life,
What would he eat and drink?
I'm not against the idea
Despite it being new,
But would a vegan gator eat
Raw chicken, or tofu?

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Downstairs neighbor, whose rabbits eat most of my marigold
And a good deal of my lettuce and spinach  too,
Even though I have often, calmy and collectedly, told
Him to try to keep control of his livestock or he will rue.
Other neighbors fixing their floors in the apartment above me
And they don’t seem to realize that the a.m. is quarter to two;
Or allowing their dog to howl all night cos he wants to pee.
People with big dogs who say don’t worry he won’t touch you
When what they really mean is that he won’t touch them.
Women pushing  buggies filled with dog-ugly babies,
Who insist on telling me how cute they are,  while I  hem 
And haw,  and feel like asking if their dogs have rabies.
Café proprietors with flies feeling free to buzz the sandwich tray
And exlore the rim of each cup before it gets used by me:
And then these proprietors expect me to smile and pay  - 
When (ignoring food poisoning) I feel I should eat there for free.
Yes, I am patient, though people are annoying in so many ways; 
While I am free of all aggressive  or irritating habits  -
As my wife will testify in the court in several days
When I will defend the fact that I killed the neighbour’s rabbits.

  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..  .

Written for Natalie Fllikkema’s  Contest   “Cellphones in the sauna...What annoys YOU?”

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Officinale Taraxacum

Officinale taraxacum,
the plain and simple dandelion,
If I said that most adore her,
brother, I'd be lyin'!

In garden plots and flower beds,
twixt paving stones, they flourish,
a boon to some, a pest to some
who wish that they would perish!

In her defense I must applaud
with great exhilaration,
the determined way she grows,
her quick proliferation!
If you favour wine or jam
this yellow bloom's for you,
its leafy greens are great for salads,
and it helps your liver, too!

The dandelion is here to stay,
and stay, and stay, indeed;
some don't mind its yellow crop,
to others, it's A WEED!

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Jack's Beard

Had a beard since nineteen sixty-two
Hate to think what's underneath
Might even be a family of boat people
Maybe an old Christmas wreath

Heard that it's even very possible
For animals to flourish and survive
In the depth of my hairy countenance
Where they multiply and thrive

But I haven't felt any movement lately
Though sometimes I feel twinge
Perhaps whatever is living in there
May have gone on a drunken binge

Bottom line is I'll still have this beard
When they lower me into the ground
Don't dare shave for fear little beasties
Will leap out and scurry around

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Meltdown in Iambic Tetrameter

I chose to fight and not to flee,
From troubled feelings haunting me.
One look, within my weary soul,
Exposed an ever-gaping hole.

With introspective ink I write,
To bring foreclosure to my plight.
On form and meter I rely,
While keeping free verse standing by.

In healing cadence, new to me.
(Stagnation came from living free.)
A new persona will be found,
Before I leave this form-go-round.

Through sonnets, nonets, villanelle,
My metered fears I hope to quell.
Shall I find comfort in these forms
Or run back to my free verse norms?

I might be seeking, after all,
The haven of a hallowed hall.
Long known to poets of great worth,
And find therein my own re-birth.

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Jellyfish is the stinging kind,
it is found in droves
on our crowded beaches...
any little sting can drive anyone wild.

Yes, they are spineless, mordant and gelitous...
being closed watched by large gulls with a hungry palate,
but are chased away by dogs so ferocious;
I'm wondering how they will look and taste on my plate!

And still curious kids scoop them with plastic sand-shovels
and try to save them by dropping them in water-filled buckets,
running with excitement...ignoring the screams of their moms,
and they yell, " Put them down, they will sting you more than once!"

O jellyfishes, don't be vicious...we love you like shell-fish,  
if you could talk, your bizarre conduct won't be misunderstood by many! 
Is the water so polluted and infested with sharks that you flee from the sea, 
or are the fishermen so angry for wasted time on a worthless catch?

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Oh,  to be in East Lansing
Now that spring is there !
And to see the view entrancing
And drink cool Miller beer.

To be in East Lansing’s main street,
Downwind of the rubber-tire plants:
And smell the aromas sweet
Of the vulcanized implants !

If post mortem I can return,
In the style of reincarnation,
To watch the plunging sofas  burn
As they fall down to the car nation,

My second life will be fulfilled
When I smell the aromas and see
The rubber from the sofas spilled
Across the sidewalk  around me.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Those readers interested in burning sofas may like to read my entire "burning sofa" period of poetry. Look for the three titles :

 1       Reasons to Throw Things out of the Window
 2       East Lansing Strikes Back
 3       The Meteor Sofa People

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Moses' Kitty

Moses’ Kitty                       

There was a man named "Moses" down in Arkansas.
He had the strangest cat that you ever saw!
He would sit on the keyboard to stretch his paw!
The prettiest Manx kitty down in Arkansas...

It wasn't any trouble to get Tiger to eat.
He'd run to his bowl when he smelt some meat.
Moses always gave him the biggest treat!
Soon, the cuddle kitty curled 'round Moses' feet.

But it wasn't very long after Tiger ate.
That he at Moses' shoulder did not hesitate.
He would yawn and purr at a rapid rate.
Only one thing would this behavior abate.

B-U-R-P! ! !       B-U-R-P! ! !
That's right!  You heard it!  B-U-R-P! ! !
He thought his Manx kitty was sweeter than syrup...
That is why, after dinner, Mr. Tiger was burped.

©  Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
     December 19, 2009

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Constance holds the key to freedom,
she'll never sit down and die of boredom;
all the free things we don't think of or see,
are there for everyone to experience and enjoy.

Employers buy our time to give them service;
if nothing is for free what's happened to your awareness?
The air we breath, the sunlight we feel, and the fragrant flowers we smell...
weren't these also given by God to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden?

Look around there many more for us to discover...
the incessant waterfalls and rivers still supply their water,
and without them the earth would be an arid desert;
and in this wasteland, only spiders can try to cheat death.

Constance holds the key to freedom, inspiring us timelessly, 
and the beauty of her revelation is that we can pursue it adequately;
she doesn't boast as the rich do, humbleness is her inborn virtue...
welcome her suggestions and begin living your day as busy folks do.

Inspired by Constance's Blog MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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Philosophy of a Housewife

The furniture needs a dusting
The floors mopped and swept
The bathroom needs a scrubbing
The evening  meal to prep

Dirty dishes line the counter
The laundry's in a heap
Pet hair on the cushions
The windowpanes are streaked

In such disarray, I'm overwhelmed
I really should get hopping
But, tomorrow IS another day
I think I'll just go shopping!

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My Musket

Some say I’m rather rustic
To carry round a musket
I Fire it at Blue Tits
Police ask me for a permit

My paper work's legit
But they still say I’m unfit
I say that’s complete bulls**t
They throw me on the pavement

So I pretend to throw a fit
And twist a little bit
I escape and run for it
And make it with my musket

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Your Bottom Line

How's your bottom line working out
Have you checked it's progress today?
Is it dipping and diving like the markets
Is it drooping to your utter dismay?

Some are quite big, some are small
Each one has a place in society
They all possess that irresistible charm
So there's no need for any anxiety

Now take me for instance, I like 'em all
But someone should restrict the sound
At times it can be quite destructive
Rumbling and shaking the ground

There's not a more alluring sight
Than a bottom with a great swing and sway
It's actually quite entertaining to watch
But be careful to stay out of it's way

How's your bottom line working out?
Are you happy with what trails behind
If you are, then you should feel fortunate
To be blessed with a fine bottom line

©Jack Ellison 2012

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In days Paleolithic
The news was often horrific
People eaten by monsters terrific
Or trampled in mammoth jams of traffic

Newspapers were chiseled  in stone
Picture it: hot news petrified even when it sizzles
Editors called in news headlines by bone
Saying,  “ Hold it. .  .stop the chisels!! “

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Journey to the Center of My Mind

You scared me with the owl thing,
I wet myself and cried.
You supported me as Weebleking;
I'm glad you're on my side.

When the English man was in my head,
You did not scream and flee.
You grabbed him by his whiskered lip,
And stayed right here with me.

I told you of the mystery men,
Who always follow me;
You did not scoff and mock my words,
You offered sympathy.

And when I dubbed you Willowart,
You did not blow a fuse;
You took it all in gracious stride,
And proclaimed it happy news.

The kind of friend you've been to me,
I could not hope for more.
You've stuck with me through waves and troughs;
Past every rocky shore.

For years I've never given thanks,
Which was definitely rude.
So here today I send you this,
To show my gratitude!

I hope you've liked the trip so far,
Following my wandering brain,
I'll let you rest here for a bit,
Then off we'll go again.

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Friends For Dinner

We're having friends for dinner on Saturday
Well we're not actually having them for dinner!
That statement implies that we're cannibalistic
And our list of friends would get thinner!

We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway
This play on words sure can confuse
If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught?
One moose, two meese, how do we choose?

Make amends always seems to be plural
Can't we make one amend I'd like to know!
One tooth, two teeth, why not one booth two beeth?
And why shouldn't you pick your seat at a show?

A slim chance and a fat chance mean the same
But a wise man and a wise guy are opposites
The weather is either hot as hell or cold as hell
I know it's confusing but don't take a fit!

This English language can be oh so confusing
It can drive you to distraction at times
But try to learn Chinese or Mandarin my friend
You'll realize the English language is divine!

©Jack Ellison 2012

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a few words of prerambling setup
where i explain what the poem's about
in quaint detail, without let up
to erase any question, any doubt

a small anecdote perhaps, to start 
about where origination begins
no worries dear listener, take heart
that soon i'll get to the end

since i realize poetry's ambiguousness
more lengthy perhaps than the poem itself
my explanation, alas, i must confess
might better have stayed upon the shelf

angst, being what you might now feel
about this rambling current tense
this setup does so little to reveal
some humanity, or even to make sense

after, you might applaud quietly
that you actually made it to the end
and that i might stop this finally
yet for your patience, i must commend

so i conclude with a small...chuckle
clear my throat, to better enunciate
utter words that probably befuddle
dear listeners, I'll try to ingratiate

© Goode Guy 2011-11-15

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A Real Keeper

There's only one way to describe me
Can't wipe off this silly big grin
A ravishing beauty I've turned out to be
With such gorgeous baby soft skin

With a face of unmatched perfection
Like rolling Clooney and Pitt into one
Movie star stuff, there's really no doubt
With a beauty that's second to none

It may seem a trifle pompous of me
Just because I'm a gorgeous hunk
Sorry but I can't even stand it myself
Pay no attention to the tabloid junk

I try to lead this exemplary life
In spite of this girlie adoration
A lesser person would certainly succumb
And surely cause expectoration

Inside I'm really quite a nice old guy
You just need to delve a bit deeper
My surface beauty will surely distract you
But most say I'm really a keeper

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Cross-Eyed Chickens

There's nothing funnier than cross-eyed chickens
With legs the size of your arm
Kentucky Fried Chicken would sure love to know 
The name of this progressive farm

Aside from the unnerving cross-eyed feature
The implications are immense
Imagine a leg on your plate so big
You wouldn't know where to commence

The cross-eyed feature might cause some concern
If the patrons viewed this poor bird
Before it was rendered suitable for your gullet
It sure looked totally absurd

The cross eyes were caused by trying to eject
A super sized extra large egg
Probably gave the poor bird a hernia
Before passing for mercy it begged

Such is the way of us civilized humans
Always thinking of our bellies all day
Paying no attention to these cross-eyed chickens
Just trying not to end up on our plate

©Jack Ellison 2012

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                                             GUESS I'M GETTING OLD

Woke up this morning,
And can't turn over,
Because of the pain,
In my hip and my shoulder.

Finally drag myself,
Out of the bed,
Limp into the bathroom,
This head fog to shed.

Soak out the pain,
In a nice warm bath,
Dry my hair and shake off,
Last night's aftermath.

There's someone in my mirror,
That can't be me,
She's wrinkled and old,
And can hardly see.

Ignore her and maybe,
She'll just go away,
But I'm kidding myself,
That old bat's here to stay.

Now I'm dressed and I'm ready,
To begin my day,
Feed the cat, walk the dog,
Run some errands and play.

By the end of the day,
I'm limping again,
It's the price I must pay,
For a life fillled with sin.

My leg hurts, my neck hurts,
There's pain in my head,
But pain can be good,
'Cause it means I'm not dead;


                                               Judy Ball

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Big Jolly Old Elf

I'm a wee bit overweight for sure
But I've got much more to hug
Got jelly rolls on my jelly rolls
Just a big fat loveable lug

My honey tried taking a picture of me
Couldn't get me all in one frame
Had to splice two frames together
But she loves me just the same

I'm one big massive son of an elf
Happiness turns my crank
There ain't no happier blob around
Sure got my sweetie to thank

At night I take up most of the bed
Leaving little room for honey
So we have to cuddle up real close
See this elf ain't no dummy!

©Jack Ellison 2012

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Jack In A Tutu

Have you ever seen Jack in a tutu?
It is not an inspiring sight
His thundering, blundering torso
Can give most ladies a fright!

He thinks he's just so appealing
Can't see why they cringe and recoil
Thinks he's God's gift to women
More like a weighty gargoyle!

He's got a genuine happy heart
Too bad he looks like a blimp
It is hard to avoid staring at Jack
With body hair resembling a chimp!

We haven't the heart to tell him why
The girls all giggle and choke
When he prances around in his tutu
He's an outright comical bloke!

Have you ever seen Jack in a tutu?
A sight you won't forget if you had
This huge abundance of body mass
Jiggling up and down when he's glad!

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I left my heart in another place
But it's not like I dropped it;
I took it out when I fell in love
And without it, I forgot it.

The only reason I remembered
Was because I looked in the mirror
And in the hole where a heart should be
Were two words: insert here.

Bereft of heart, I cannot love;
What misery I am in;
My chest feels cold and hollow as
If I was made of tin.

If you find an extra heart,
Or a willing donor,
Would you give the heart to me?
Without one, I'm a goner.

If I could have a heart again,
I would brave storm or blizzard,
And if you gave your heart to me
I'd treat you like a Wizard.

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bumper cars

that long lonesome highway
ain't so lonesome after all
there's many cars on the byway
and truckers on the long haul

driving one next to another
back and front and all about
dangers abound, some undiscovered
behind, before, all 'round, no doubt

you may think I'm a bit crass
but some folks ridin' these roads
really like to ride upon my ass
despite brake lights that I showed

they get right up to my derriere
and hang there as if we're close
but I try not to look too scared
'lest i tip my hand to overexpose

my fear they'll get in my backseat
to carry them to their destination
an unlikely, yet still possible feat
parked in mind's fertile creation

for miles we go close back to front
they seem to not want to go past
no hurry for them, while i bear the brunt
imagining they might jus' drive up en masse

© Goode Guy 2011-11-29

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Men and Women (Adult Humor)

Men are strong of the body, you’ll find
Stressing an importance of their size
While women, gentler and fairer, too
Can still overpower us guys

They have this thing, a power, I’d say
To control, manipulate and win
Yet, they let us think it’s us that control
When it really happens to be them

Their batting eyelashes, even their smarts
As their brains far surpassed ours
Is enough to drive us all fetal posing
Experiencing the worst of their powers

They can have us do anything at anytime
They get us to do all their bidding
They have it all over us, they really do
Of this, I am not kidding

For we can work hard, achieve all our goals
But if the right woman were to cross your path
All of your riches, your home, your dreams
You’d have to share, for yours would not last

But this now I say, it’s perfect this way
Just learn to accept and expect
Because to love them, is truly the best
As they get us to stand then erect

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Bob Loblaw

There's a grocery chain in Canada
Known by the name of Loblaw's
That in itself isn't anything special
Till owners named their son after grandpa

Their poor son was blessed by his parents
Didn't think very hard these Loblaws
Baptized their son Robert that's silly
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

Like someone is incessantly babbling on
Making absolutely totally no sense
Bob Loblaw is quite an intelligent man
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

His name makes him sound like an idiot
When introducing himself to a newbie
Hard as he tries to pronounce each syllable
Can't say it without sounding goofy

Poor Bob will take his name to the grave
Can you see the inscription on his headstone?
How can anyone be sombre while visiting
Imagine how it sounds on the telephone...

Hello, this is Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

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Well, here-s another nice mess you-ve gotten me into

Suffering with a toothache
Started on the weekend
Appointment on Monday
See the Dentist at ten

This was no wimpy ache
A “King Kong” of a hurt
I kept on popping pills
Still pain would not avert

By that Monday morning 
Pain spreading through my chin
At the end of my rope
Somehow this pain must end

We were at the building
A little before nine
We arrived there early
Hoping to save some time

Office on the third floor
I said, “Let’s take the stairs”
“No”, said my lovely wife,
“Elevator’s right there”

Push button number three
We started going up
Got between two and three
When it stopped abrupt

I pushed the HELP button
Then we heard someone say
“Maintenance has been called
So help is on its way”

“I’m in pain, need relief
Just how long might it be?”
“Takes them an hour or two
At worst it could be three”

“Should’ve gone up the stairs
But I listened to you”
“Here’s another fine mess
You’ve gotten me into”


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Does Your Back End Waddle

Does your back end waddle like a duck?
Does your rear sway from side to side?
Is there a huge rumbling when sitting down
With large ripples in your hide?

Perhaps it's that second piece of apple pie
Or that box of chocolates you consumed
At times I see you down a large size pizza
Without taking a breath until June!

There is a cure for this age old problem
It's called pushing away from the table
But it sure takes a lot of intestinal fortitude
For some of us we're just not able!

Do you ever get really discouraged
And think perhaps you're losing your mind
You're definitely in the majority today
The country's sliding in the brine!

There's still hope for all us tubby people
But we really must try to persevere
Forego that second large piece of apple pie
And a trimmer you will appear!

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Oh Those Ticklish Spots

Everyone has those ticklish spots
They seem to be everywhere
Some can stand it for little while
Till it's more than they can bear

They giggle, chuckle and flail about
And wind up on the floor
Yelling out “please, please, stop!”
What they really want is more

Sure don't want you to lose control
And piddle in your knickers
That would be embarrassing
I can sure hear all the snickers

Everyone has these ticklish spots
They're under your arms and feet
Once in a while just let it all out
It'll make you day complete!

Details | Quatrain | |

Standing Unspecified

My gender’s not the fairer one,
my student status ... past,
mine is not the voice of region
nor a specific caste.

No network calls me “one of us”
nor seeks to mollify,
I'm not considered ethnic, thus
I do not qualify.

The journals, competitions and
calls for anthology
don’t explicitly ask for bland,
old, white-guy poetry.

Details | Quatrain | |



Nothing really changes;   each one thinks himself
Slightly better than others of similar type :
“Oh, he’s too  fat ;  she’s gonna be left on the shelf”. . . . . 
I hear all this daily and it’s  just hype.

“He’s a bit of a dinosaur”  --  an insult to his ears  --
To show inability to modernize the way he  thinks.
Yet the dinos ruled supreme for a hundred  mill years
Humans  for less than a million  --  couple o’ blinks

And another thing,  dinos had feelings of superiority too
They were just as human as you and me
They probably used to stand around saying “It’s true,
He’s a bit of an invertebrate”  --  as an insult (the same, you see?)

I dunno,  but invertebrates probably in turn felt mellow 
By referring to their forebears,  and then
Mocked disparagingly  at some  inferior fellow  
As   “a bit of a plant”  or  “one of the  amoeba men”

Details | Quatrain | |



Small curly pink one for   Mr.  Pig
Beatrix Potter’s Peter rabbit’s  is fluffy to lie on. 
Absurdly small whippy one for elephant so big
Long  one with paintbrush end for Mr.  Lion

All foxes  have  tails  called  brushes
Flying   kites have tails as well
A prehensile monkey-tail  often rushes
Flying parrots have tales to tell

Delicately sensuous and  curled around on the windowsill
Ginger or calico or black or white
Cats tails are the most pullable for kids that will
So they mostly stay well out of sight.

The fattest of  tails is the  blue-whale tail
Volumes of water induce great  length
That’s a whale of a tale, never stale:
Ocean of space allows it fluid strength.

Short fishes? They  have tails as well as fins.
Anaconda?   Now that’s a long, gripping tale.
Snakes?  Don’t know where the tail begins.
Overall winner?  A comet-tail in space  -  without fail. 

Details | Quatrain | |



When I was about twenty three 
I said, Joey, I have a homely new girl,                                               
My  pal Joey  says to me, . . . .oh Lee
I’ll bet  your heart’s in a whirl  -  

He says,  tell me,  is she either
Tall or small, ugly or pretty,  Lee? 
I had to be honest.   I said, neither  - 
I guess she’s kinda  pretty ugly.

My friend Martha added with phlegm,
She’s so ugly I could leave  
My  husband with her no problem  -
And his story I would believe.

Details | Quatrain | |

Puppy's Single-Sock Diet

They say fiber’s good for 
the digestion. I favor cotton: 
Jimmy’s gray athletic sox
tossed haphazard on the floor

and tasting of ball games 
on the corner lot.
Missy’s socks in pastel blue – 
I always leave her one of two.

And once, (what a treat!) 
Mom laid out a pair of fancy 
argyle socks, brand-new 
for Dad’s big feet.  

I took just one, leaving 
its mate so everyone can see
how its subtle hues
complement red-sable Me.

Details | Quatrain | |


I'm taking it upon myself
to sing a phrase or write a lick
to put a few words upon the shelf
for singers and poets to pull and pick

what's needed are more rhymes for love
so here I offer now some brand new words
to keep from relying so much on, above
for the finer points of love absurd

"pillove" will mean those times in bed
when face-to-face we gaze and lay
with unwashed night-mouth to taste
but passion makes us kiss anyway

and "smove" will be the way we walk
when hand-in-hand we ambulate away
and "brove" will be the times we talk
when really we have little to say

"plove" will mean wanton puckered lip
and "frove" will be a passionate embrace
"crove" will be when two really click
maybe "sove" loves that smilin' face

to spice up a song we've had "clove"
and some other notable rhymes of note
for lyrics sung low, we have the "dove"
and a few other lined words to connote

lovely sentiments to melt our hearts
and give humanity's eros voice
to create some writing a la carte
some new rhymes may give greater choice

© Goode Guy 2012-03-18


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Green peas and all kinds of beans
are split open to release their seeds,
like those peas in a green pod,
that mother cooked in a huge pot!

One of my dad's friends who wore a veteran's brooch, 
would shamelessly cheat to get a delicious split-pea soup;
mom didn't know he was a cheater, and surely would have hit him
with the wooden dough roller when he peaked with a grim!   

And mom slowly stirred the vegetable soup,
she used to say, " The longer it cooks, the better it tastes! '
And my mouth was drooling to taste those soft peas...
that I took out of the seeds' casings without miscue! 

Mother rushed in the kitchen with a roar of an enraged lion,
" That idiot is playing no fair game! He is a menace to all!
And he passes glasses of brandy to get everybody drunk! " 
" He wants to win no matter what the cost...oh, clever maven! "

The split-pea soup steams like a hot volcano erupting,
the cover of the pot blows off, " What a mess on my stove! " mom  screams...
" It's all his fault that I am in this state! " she continues yelling...
" I still hear his big mouth mocking...wait 'till I have finished cooking these peas! "

Entered in Nathan's Laccese contest, " Two peas in a pod " 

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Quatrain | |

Damn Itch

Ever had a really bad itch 
And you scratch and scratch away
Till the spot that you've been scratching
Looks much like paper mache

Sometimes you can't even find the spot
You search around but it's fruitless
Seems the damn thing keeps moving
Dance a jig but you still remain clueless

I'm sure it happens to every one of us
From Nature's bag of devious tricks
People go through a bunch of contortions
Even throw down whiskey for a fix

Here's what I would suggest, my friends
Tumble in bed with a gorgeous filly
Damn itch will seem much less important
And you'll get some relieve temporarily

There's one thing that's for certain, though
It'll return just as soon as you're done
You'll still have this annoying problem
But let's face it, you sure had some fun!

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |

Bon Voyage, Joan

Bon Voyage, Joan

I wish you had a laptop
to take with you on your cruise.
So you could write and say to us
“Good Morning.  How are yous?”

It was not very long ago 
that we had never met.
But, quickly we have come to know
our friendship is a great asset.

Reciprocating a kindly word, 
we introduced our pets.
To others that might seem absurd,
we have done so with no regrets.

Whether walking in the forest
or down those country roads
We know and love a fun brunette
although she chases toads.

(To keep her “Bear” 
from eating them…
She does so with great care.
No frogs allowed; he is her gem.)

But you do not have a laptop,
to take with you on your cruise.
So go have fun, sing; dance ‘til you drop. 
We shall wait to hear cruise news.

© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
    January 18, 2010

Poetic form: Quatrain
Dedicated to our friend named Joan.  Bon voyage!  
(But come home soon even if it is too cold…)  LOL

Details | Quatrain | |


Happy birthday to me
I'm fourteen years to see
Each year flying by
All the memories... sigh

Today's my day, tonight my night
And I will be the brightest light
I'll wish on that candle hard
And stash the money from that birthday card!!!!

Details | Quatrain | |


I once knew two sisters
aptly named Flora and Fauna
I coulda loved them both
for sure I was a goner

Flora was a flowery lass
pretty Fauna was easy to envy
both sisters planted kisses
on cheeks so warm and friendly

Fauna could change chromatically 
instantly from green to red
emotions turned emphatically
joy morphed to anger instead

Flora bright-colored and perfumed
smelled wondrous and made me hot
she'd float in and brighten any room
while Fauna could definitely not

animal instincts gave way you see
though both sisters lovely when bare
Fauna tasted a bit green to me 
Flora blossomed her flower to share

© Goode Guy 2011-09-08

Details | Quatrain | |



Deep thoughts can come to my mind
And go fast;  but shallow thoughts stay. 
You probably wouldn’t be so unkind
As to agree,  but  you certainly may.

Sometimes I sit for days and the muse
Is asleep  or else maybe drunk:  
And my silence may be a cause to amuse,
Though I think, thank and thunk.

But when I drink and take something edible
And munch, and don’t even think,
It seems I can’t stop my pen’s scribble:
It may even flow without the need for ink.

Some there are who call me Poetry King
And some just say he’s  “that writer chap”, 
Not for the volume of my writing  -
But for its quality  -  I’m the King of Crap.

Details | Quatrain | |

Calling Mimunna Mimunna

******Calling All Poet's*********

Mimunna is a switch/bate scham on the internet that has infiltrated our rank's......
Poet's, write and give her your love. Poet's take the floor and express your love
via E-mail!!!!!!! Get the write-up, up! Kiss>Kiss>Kiss-up!

*****She is at( Let her know we care!!!!!


Mimunna, Mimunna
I know that you love me
But, tell me is it me
          Or maybe
       My money
That you are trying
             To free
You wrote me on the internet
Told me that I was a catch
But, you are nothing to me
Not even an even match
I told you that I love you
      But, who love's who more
Are you a real person
       Or are you just
An inter-net whore
A whore on the internet
Writing me back
Seeing if I will fall for you
Maybe give you some scratch
Baby, your'e Scheme is kind
            Of wack
Sure, you can write me
           On the internet
And that is true
So, remember that
Their is just a little bit
More than just loving you
And that is this simply
This thing called {Poetry)
So, don't be a stranger
Check me out on Poetry Soup


Your friend in the pen/G.FIELDS

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My honey says I'm complicated.
Huh? We are both well-educated.
Sometimes he gets a little frustrated,
When I get too animated.

He says you make things so complicated.	
When I'm like that he gets aggavated.
Then we have to be reconciliated.
Then our love will be consumated!

So while I might be complicated,
I am ever so sophisicated.
I hope I am not totally eliminated.
Please don' t let me be castigated.

My heart would be so desolated,
If our love was no longer celebrated.
Knowing we hadn't communicated
I would just be devastated! 

Details | Quatrain | |

The Devil's Bargain

A man named Bill lived on a hill.
He wanted to get gold from the air.
He tried, he tried, he worked and he cried;
but there just waren’t no gold there.

Then came a man who offered his hand
and said “I’ll help you my friend”.
But you must beware, to get gold from the air
your soul comes to me in the end.

The bargain was made, the plans were laid,
soon he took gold from the air.
He prospered that year never shed a tear.
His fame made him so savoir-faire.

Then came a day when that man came his way
he looked for a good place to hide.
It proved no avail, he was carted to Hell
Some folks oft’ ask how he died.

If you wish to be rich, don’t hunt for a pitch
that will doom your soul in the end.
Just be good and true, make people like you
and you will have the great treasure of friends.  

© Mar 25 2010      Charles Henderson

Details | Quatrain | |

Chest Hairs

I talk to my chest hairs every day
Hi there, you seem well endowed
You're coming along quite nicely now
There's four of you, you must be proud

Not long ago, you were only two
But as one thing leads to another
Passions explode in your frail bodies
And with hairy love you're smothered

At first signs of life, you waved with joy
As two tiny sprouts first appeared
A loving impression of a hairy family
My tears ran down to my beard

A shining example of a loving community
My beard started out like you guys
But that was quite a long time ago
Now a gathering of three hundred and five

The true measure of your value to humans
And the bliss your existence inspires
Unknown to many, the reason you exist
Is to absorb sweat as we nervously perspire

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |

Lost in the Back of My Car

I lost it in the back of my car.
I need to know: Where is it?
I've looked high, low, near and far,
and I'm really beginning to miss it.

I looked under the seat.
Lots of quarter and pennies I found.
I just can't figure where it could be,
if it isn't anywhere around.

I've looked all day and all night. 
Yet I've ended where I'd begun.
All shall never again be right,
for my innocence is done.

Details | Quatrain | |

Inanimate Objects

Have you ever had this happen to you?
You're walking along, minding your business
When a pole leaps out in front of you
Rattles your brain leaving you senseless

Inanimate objects aren't so inanimate 
It seems they have a mind of their own
You're strolling along when a boulder appears
Stub your toe and it hurts to the bone

Sometimes when your patio doors are clean
It's just like there's no glass at all
With a confident stride, you walk into them 
Smash your nose and you try not to bawl 

You're running for a bus and then it happens
You slip on a discarded banana peel
You wind up with your bum high in the air
Doing some acrobatic cartwheels

You wonder how these inanimate objects
Seem to know the right time to attack
It happens when you surely least expect it
And your wheels come right off the track!

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |


The wrath of God doesn’t have to be
the size of a hurricane
nor a major flood or forest fire
to leave us all in pain.

It can be an itch or an annoying twitch
a big black hair on your nose
painfully shy or one crossed eye
it’s terrible to have one of those.

Ugly or clumsy or not very smart
we all have our cross to bear
mismatch your socks get chicken pox
or forget your underwear.

Cowlicks birthmarks and knobby knees
all conspire to bring us down,
crooked teeth big ears and zits
are here to make us frown.

With a squeaky voice you don’t rejoice
and bad breath is problematic
as is hobbling on a cane
when you have a sore sciatic.

Oh Dear Lord just look at me!
a melting pot of woes!
As a kid I made a face
and wouldn’t you know…it froze!

What will we do with these gifts from you
bestowed on us in your wrath?
As we complain down here in our shame
do you sit on a cloud and laugh?

But then God said as he shook his head;
“My child I love you so..
these minor things that set you apart
are here to help you grow.”

Details | Quatrain | |


When the well-rested rooster woke up at noon, he found himself in the lap
of a gorgeous boy and he was telling his mom with urgency,
"I want this rooster, he can keep the lonely and moody parrot company!"
And staring at him," It's a rooster, not a pet!" she exclaimed.

Mothers always try to please their kids, and sometimes they really spoil them,
not according to their customs and beliefs, controversially fathers are stricter than them;
"I'll take care of him and soon he'll be living in our ranch home" he promised...
and continuing,"From now on, his name will be Harbor: the lovely place where I found him!"

The gentle boy kept his promise and Harbor became part of the family,
and the talkative parrot taught him to say the exact words he said;
and months went by, but nobody knew that he could speak so humanly,
and how did they find out that Harbor was smarter than an ordinary bird?

They overheard him in a challenging conversation about finding a perfect mate, 
in the shortest time and the shrewd parrot thought he surely would have been the winner,
but to his surprise, Harbor used his accumulated wisdom and searched the nearby farm,
where chicks were bred and then put in perforated carboard crates on a freighter.

Harbor looked around and didn't really like any of the chicks he saw,
and was he about to give up on his search? Suddenly not! He trotted past the noisy farm,
and to his bewilderment, he spotted a young chicken on the grass below...
and gallantly approached her, and with a chat started a romantic affair by keeping her warm.

Harbor and the young chick clicked and they quickly were talking about marriage,
lots of baby chicks to feed: the ultimate dream of two domesticated birds; 
at first, the upset boy wasn't too happy about their agreement, and exploded in rage,
but realizing what was best for Harbor, he finally gave him his blessings.

On the same farm the newly-wed live, and have big plans for a large family;
one more thing, if curious folks decide to visit them anytime soon, they need a reservation.
They will show them around with their fowl hospitality, but rule out temptation;
none of them will end up on their plates for the next Holidays or any other special festivity!

Details | Quatrain | |


When someone says, “You look flabulous”!
Is it just a slip of the tongue
Or are they trying to let you know
You're not trim like when you were young!

Words can be cruel and hurtful at times
Specially if they're close to the truth
Sometimes they can hurt you so badly
You get into the gin and vermouth!

This worldwide scourge of obesity
Is as serious as it's ever been
On average about sixty percent of us
Can be considered anything but lean!

It's a scourge that afflicting all mankind
In this world of instant things
Microwave meals at your fingertips
You're eating at the sound of the ding!

So when someone says, “You look flabulous”!
It's a warning your life is in danger
Get on that bike or run a few miles
Take this advice from this flabulous stranger!

Details | Quatrain | |


The warm spring rain still falls on the cherry trees,
pelting on the sodden and drooping *lavender lilies...
forming a small lake, where playful robins
bathe and fend off the thrusting, thirsty shrikes.

Soon children will come out and act dippy...
chased by wild puppies and mousy kitties
fighting over their stuffed, torn bears;
oh, there goes my peace and *tranquility!  

The *fragrant lilacs are in dire need of growth and color,
lately they haven't soaked up enough sun and raindrops:
tingeing them, allowing them to revel in their *splendor;
never denying lovers the *dulcet tones of their voices.

The tranquil skies conjure up a past *bliss,
can a poet's unrhymed words, emitted in a *whisper, go on *lilting?
He will delightfully inhale the strong perfume of the breeze *wafting!
And will he create verses with *eloquence?

Entered in Andrea Dietrich's contest,
Word Warrior Challenge: Beautiful Words

Details | Quatrain | |


Burps can be fun
While watching a play
The looks that you get
Well, what can I say

They're quite enough
To make you giggle
You try not to laugh
You wiggle and jiggle

The look of disgust
Of those seated near
They may not stay
For the curtain I fear

At times there's an odour
That stays for a while
Really quite foul
It affects your smile

That nasty old taste
That stays in your mouth
Makes you turn green
Permeates the house

It's really important
To apologize
For the harm that it causes
To plants and one's eyes!

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |

Poste Restant

I wish I were a baggage to abandon.
I wish I were a hold-all to un-hold,
With no handle for some bloke to put his hand on
Or to plant a snotty kiss that leaves me cold …

I wish I were a parcel, square and string-tied,
In stout brown paper, not to be un-wrapped;
Inscribed in huge red letters, “DON’T PEEP INSIDE!
Till I’m dead and gone, and cannot be sent back …”

It might be rather fun to be left luggage;
To fashion most exquisite, boring days
With false teeth and umbrellas in West Dulwich,
Or to gather dust in Walton-on-the-Naze …

I think I’d like to be a Printed Packet,
Forgotten on some sorting-office shelf,
With nobody to notice I can’t hack it
And no-one else to hassle … Just myself …

I want to pass my private rites of passage
Simply wrapped up in myself, and “off the ‘phone.”
I really DO wish you would get the message …
Just like Garbo, dear, “I VANT TO BE ALONE!”

( I found the first line of this poem as a typing exercise 
on a second-hand computer.
It just tickled my fancy! )

Details | Quatrain | |

Fishing Fun

Our fishing trips arn't fruitful,
but they're always lots of fun.
We always have a story
about losing "the big one".

Most of the time we're casting
while dad says "Watch your pole!
To be a real good fisherman
you have to play the role!"

"You can't keep reeling in your bait.
Patience is the key.
If you just stare right at the tip...
You'll get will see."

"Stop making noise!", "Stop fidgeting!"
"Who drank up all my pop???"
"Don't hit her!" and "Don't look at him!"
"This fighting's got to stop!!"

Just when we reach the fishing hole
of course you need to pee!!
Next week we'll try it all again!
It'll be fun... REALLY... You'll see!

Details | Quatrain | |

Outside The Box

Heard the term “outside the box”?
What box are they referring to?
Sitting here at my computer desk
Don't see no box do you?

A term you hear a lot these days
What can it possibly mean
This old guy is totally confused
Totally betwixt and between

Catch phrases have always confused me
Much prefer Dick and Jane words
So all us grandpas can decipher them
This stuff is sure for the birds

Maybe I'll get an old cardboard box
And sit me therein for a while
Then emerge and start thinking of stuff
In a clever “outside the box” style

Really that's not at all what it means
Heard someone say emphatically
Go where no man's ever gone before
Think a lot more erratically

Now confused much more than ever
Think I'll lie down for a while
Till the world spins a few more times
And I get back my winning smile

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |

A Firing

As your immediate boss and superior
It behoves me to have to inform you
Your services are no longer required
A formal letter of termination will ensue!

It has nothing to do with performance
You've really done an admirable job
Believe me, I've tried hard to ignore them
The rumours from everyone's gobs!

You've stepped over the line, my friend
With this affair that has people talking
Each time you walk through the office
Sure you've noticed people gawking

I've tried really hard to turn a blind eye
And attempted to keep it hush hush
But now I just can't ignore it anymore
I'm beginning to turn into a lush!

Normally it's not a reason for dismissal
But you've caused me to endure such strife
That I must consider this a special case
Coz the partner in this affair is my wife!

©Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Quatrain | |


                                           I REMEMBER SMOKEY

Once when I was just a kid,
My sister eight years older,
My sister's boyfriend came to call,
As we were playing soldier.

Stationed in the jungle we,
Cut off from our troop.
Surrounded by the enemy,
We must escape, regroup.

To do this we must make a stand,
Take out that lone guard.
A local girl distracted him,
So we could hit him, hard.

My sister led him to the porch,
To kiss her friend good night,
Not suspecting they were watched,
Or what we planned that night.

They stood before the porch steps,
In young love's sweet embrace,
I'm sure the neighbors heard his scream,
You should have seen her face.

We snuck up very slowly,
They never heard a sound,
They thought that they were all alone,
With no one else around.

The timing perfect as we leaped,
I yelled to him,"ATTACK!"
And Smokey did as he was told,
He ran straight up his back.

The young boy screamed, jumped off the porch,
And made tracks for his car.
My sister cried to Mama,
"He'll prob'ly have a scar!"

The young boy swore that he was bit,
Felt teeth in his behind.
I grinned and said,"But not the cat,
The teeth he felt were mine."

Mama laughed so hard at that,
That we did not get punished.
My sister went into her room,
Her reputation tarnished.

She felt no boy would date her now,
She had a rabid sister,
Who hung out with a feral cat,
No one could resist her.

So cute and sweet, she had it all,
You'd think she had it made;
But with me no one would call,
She'd die as an old maid.

                                                   Judy Ball

Details | Quatrain | |


I've got the headphones in my ears, but nothing's playing. 
I've got you on my mind, but you're not here.
I've got you in my heart, but I can't feel you.
You're always right there, but yet, you're never near.

Our song is playing, but I can't hear the music. 
I'm just waiting for you to walk through that door.
I said, well shouted, some things I didn't mean.
We argued, but you've always come back home before.

Now, I'm curled up in your t-shirt on the big chair.
Now, my stubborn nature has kicked into gear.
Now, I don't really want to see your face.
Now, when you come home, I hope you feel fear.

I hope your heart starts racing as fast as your thoughts.
I hope you're nervous because you may have ran that red light.
You always love to make me mad, because you think I'm cute angry.
Then again, you're always afraid to lose me when we fight.

Your headlights flicker on the wall across from me.
Despite myself, I'm not angry anymore.
In fact, my heart won't stop racing, and I actually have butterflies.
All of this in anticipation of you walking through the door.

I keep my hardened, stubborn composure.
Until I see you come in with your tail between your legs and your puppy face.
One look and all of my stubborn attitude fades,
And I can't even remember why we were fighting in the first place.

Details | Quatrain | |

The Mirror

What did my eerily observant mirror so boldly reveal 
to me this morning as I so cautiously gazed into its soul?

It quipped "Hey lummox,might as well limp back to bed, 
the eyes of the world will mistake you for an over-sized troll."

Many times it speaks this extremely critical 
evaluation of me.So often, in fact, I can no longer ignore.

I have been rather proficient at turning a deaf ear
to its snide, painful remarks, but now it's cutting me to the core.

It willingly continues " You better stop 
trying to appease the god of the gut.

Forget about bacon and eggs,
cookies and cakes, candies and nuts.

And yes, include on the list, donuts and pastries,
ice cream and chocolate, even Fritos and chips.

Crisco would be jealous of you, you tub o' lard. You've surrendered
to the demon of gluttony for so long now, I mean, c'mon, get a grip.

And let's be real here, this farce of an exercise 
routine you endear yourself to is all mirrors and smoke.

How many calories do you think you burn off
simply looking, be it so desperately, for your precious remote?

You might even want to drag your behemoth butt  off
the  couch while watchin' the tube and do some crunches.

Instead of waiting till the commercial break to
 waddle out to the kitchen to refill your beloved munchies.

Let's see, there's tennis, running, swimming, 
biking, even just walking..... exercise programs galore.

But nooooo, for you that means change doesn't it?
It's not worth it even though you barely fit through the door."

But as there are two sides to every story, so too is
there another mirror even more significant than the first.

It happens to be God's "love letter" that reflects honestly and with
prevailing irony.It captivates us with mention of real hunger and thirst.

It also talks of changes we need to make 
if we don't want life to "take it's toll".

Not so much on our fleeting flesh
as on our eternal soul.

These words, like a soothing salve, are 
universal.Oh yes, they are ours for the taking.

And they can buoy us and comfort us on those 
many days when that "other mirror" we feel like breaking.

Details | Quatrain | |

Sonnet for the Noughties!

Come live with me, and be my mistress!
No old-fashioned “man and wife”!
We’ll share the things you have in common …
Who wants to live the single life?

Come live with me, and do my washing.
Cook my dinner, iron my shirts:
And when I’ve squandered all your money,
I’ll show you how love really hurts …

Come live with me, and have my children.
Change their diapers, clean the loo:
And when you fall in bed, exhausted,
I’ll find you something else to do …

Come live with me, and pay the mortgage.
Work your fingers to the bone.
I’ll splash out on a brand new motor!
Ten to one, we’ll lose our home …

Come live with me, and dwell in Limbo.
Lose your looks, and break your health:
And when you’ve lost your youth and beauty,
I’ll go shack up with someone else!

With apologies to W. Shakespeare

Details | Quatrain | |

Mister Klutz

Time for some funnies
Now what shall I write?
About klutzy old Jackles?
Should be a delight!

Been quite renowned
For his blunders at times
Here are a few
Of his more classical kind!

Riding his bike
And passing parked cars
Door opens... a collision...
He falls on his arse!

Floating on icebergs
And under some bridges
Berg disappears...
Water temperature's frigid!

Trying to impress
This acquaintance of old
Talked for a while
Then walk into a pole!

Oblivious, don't notice
While strolling with friends
A crotch high stake...
Doubled over I bend!

They weren't always funny
Well not at the time
Luckily, the injuries
Weren't the serious kind!

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Curse of Rhyme

I cannot stop rhyming,
Is it a curse?
It started last night
And it keeps getting worse.
I started with quatrains,
And moved on to verse,
I guess it will end
When I'm put in a hearse.

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Country Court (Adult Humor)

The judge had slammed his gavel
To quiet the noisy crowd
For when the man had risen
The room got way too loud
The sentence must be handed
To satisfy the crime
So now the man is fated
To give ten years of time
It seems the pig he’d stolen
Belonged ole Deke Brown
He is the biggest drunk
In this God forsaken town
Deke Brown in fact was married
For twenty years this day
But forgot to get a present
For his mind had slipped away
See, now his wife is ornery
And wants someone to pay
So the man who stole the pig
Will soon now rue the day
His punishment is ten years
Yet, not in jail, do tell
He must now do her bidding
Looks like ten years now in hell
For Ole Ms Brown’s a biggun
And has her own pig ways
She just ain’t that particular
Of the men with whom she lays
So now this suffering convict
Was doomed as verdict read
For truth be known, the pig he stole
Was the one who shared her bed
His ten years now of prison
Starts on the day the Browns wed
While Mr Brown gets drunk again
The convict’s there in bed

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tongue ode

the tongue is just another muscle
gives strength to what we think
amidst life's daily hustle bustle
helps thoughts to words interlink

so the father with his mother tongue
speaks to progeny generations come
lessons learned to offspring young
good ways to live, his rule of thumb

still would wince at his tongue lashing
flinching, blinking, cowering and meek
if shouted anger from lips came flashing
'stead of old man's jokes, tongue-in-cheek

but before I become too tongue-tied 
some tongue twister squarely knotted
I'll place my tongue-in-cheek aside
to address these words I've jotted

and tell of my admiration for tongue
no forked tongue falsehood to relate
some silver tongued notes clearly sung
of glossa tongues and hooks and baits

that lovely lingual muscle hydrostat
can do things fit for moans and groans
I can hint, alluding to this and that
of things we tongue like flesh and bones

I think you'll agree with my observations
presented to you, from my mind sprung
and think of your own tasty applications
many things budding the tip of your tongue

© Goode Guy 2011-07-04

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I lost my shoes, and I was sure
That I had lost my mind;
I couldn't remember yesterday,
So I must have left it behind.

Nor can I recall all the things
That I probably saw,
And I'm feeling lightheaded
As if I'm made of straw.

Do you know of some way
To repair my condition?
Magic spells? Surgery?
Some kind of a mission?

If you know of anything,
I'll treat you like the best,
Like I girl whom I once knew
Who came from the Midwest.

Details | Quatrain | |


You may have guessed from my face
That I'm not very brave
It's not my fault, I'd like to think
Because that's how I'm made.

And it's not like I've given up;
I really have been tryin'
But even though I can pretend,
I don't feel like a lion.

I've got a brain, and I've got heart;
That's not why I sing my dirge,
But rather it's because I lack
That hidden thing called courage.

If you could get me some somehow,
I would bravely sally forth,
And forever I would revere you
As Good Witch of the North.

Details | Quatrain | |



In winter the buildings drop large dangerous icicles  - 
Then you’re in the hospital next to the wart-lotion factory
And the retro shopping centre with parking for bicycles
Subsiding into the neighbouring limestone quarry.

People are friendly of course  the world over,  they say,
But watch out for the burning sofas  plummeting down :
Whether by night (running) or (just hurrying) during the day
This is a  warm-welcome-for-visitors  kind of town.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Details | Quatrain | |

Rent A Poetry Man

Here ye! Here ye! Here ye!
Starting a new business I am
“Rent A Poetry Man” I call it
I'll come to your house in a van

For a nominal fee of just a dollar
I will fashion a poem for you
To suit any happy occasion
For you to remember the do

I will offer a cute little ditty
Even give it a tune if I must
But I expect as part of the deal
You will offer me cake I trust

So look me up, let's make a deal
I'm in the book under “P”
It stands for happy “Poetry Man”
It describes this bloke to a tee!

Details | Quatrain | |


When he was just a baby
Upon his mama's knee,
He was smaller than an elephant,
And larger than a flea.

And when he was some older,
And had to go to school,
He was duller than a genius,
And sharper than a fool.

Then, when he was a young man,
In the prime years of his life,
He was younger than his mother was,
And older than his wife.

Now that he is middle aged,
He's really very glad
To be older than his grown-up son,
And younger than his dad.

Details | Quatrain | |


Miles of broken, sunbaked seashells,
resembling pieces of porcelain of lesser value,
lying across a populous beach subdued by misty blue,
as hungry sea-gulls pounce the fiddler crabs..

The beach entertainer draws huge crowds;
singing funny songs and making comic skits
by spicing up his unique modus operandi,
and modestly mocking his modus vivendi...

He has never made lots of money,
but settles for dollar bills to earn their sympathy;
dressed in tight and colorful ministrel's attire,
he amuses the public with his monkey-shine...

And he pulls out his fiddler and the crowds go wild,
awakening, by its high-pitched sound, a dope fiend,
who has built a shack in this unsafe place always threatened by the blowing sand;
He puts on his dirty sunglasses and disappears in the groovy sunshine...

The beach entertainer follows him, leaving everyone behind, 
saying," Sorry, brother...I didn't mean to wake you up, the bum turns around with sad eyes
and exclaims, " Music doesn't fill an empty and aching belly...and cheer up a feeble mind! "
" Here's all I got...take it and get something to eat!" The beach entertainer whispers.

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Quatrain | |

Old Age??

My age is getting up there
middle age is knocking on my door
They say I shouldn't worry...
I'm only thirty four.

I'm noticing the wrinkles.
I sense that double chin
is creeping right up on me.
Fight gravity?? I can't win!

I use to feel so youthful.
I thought I'd never age.
Back then I planted flowers.
Today I'm growing sage.

Sometimes I forget my own age.
It's not that I contrive.
Like when I wrote my bio here

Is that a sign of old-age?

Details | Quatrain | |

Copy this Poem

Please copy this poem.
Post it on your office wall,
next to your bed,
or the toilet paper roll.

Memorize each word.
Recite it to your teacher.
Spin it into a song
and preach it like a preacher.

Use sign language.
Transcribe it into Braille,
Aramaic, Chinese and
Spanish. Let the world

know that this poem
and any other poem
that you or I write
is worth the daylight.

So, please copy this poem.
Post it on your office wall,
next to your bed,
or the toilet paper roll. 

Details | Quatrain | |

Fourteen Million To One

What if I happened to win the lottery
What would I do with the money
Spend it on all kinds of frivolous things
Or a year long trip with my honey

Eat in restaurants three times a day
Choose the richest item on the menu
Act like a real old mucky muck
And obnoxious no matter the venue

They'd surely know I was 'nouveau riche'
By my big mouth flamboyant air
But I wouldn't care with a bulging wallet
I'd do everything with panache and flair

What a pipe dream I'm currently having
As if this sweet old lovable jester
Could be anything but the belle of the ball
A vision of beauty in polyester

Odds are about fourteen million to one
So I won't be buying the beer
More chance of becoming a cultural icon
Like Mylie Cyrus or Britney Spears

Details | Quatrain | |

A TV Classic

Captured by the Nazis,
Destined for compound,
The many came together
Though, seldom ever frowned.
I often sat and wondered
Through all the tragedy
How this could be made light of
And portrayed there on TV.
The humor was astounding.
The situation’s wild,
But Hogan’s Heroes was
A favorite of this child.
I remember, weekly, tuning in
To see if they would bolt.
Truly what I remember most,
Is the quote from Sargeant Schultz,

“I see nothz-eeeng!”

Details | Quatrain | |

pantyhose and PILLOWS free cee

                              PANTYHOSE AND PILLOWS



        © 2011.….Phreepoetree ~free cee!~


Details | Quatrain | |

Video Games

When one begins
and picks up the controller
he hopes he wins
but most become bipolar.

they think they are the best
they hope and pray,
that they are better then the rest
but most are in disarray.

they continue for hours
doing nothing but staring
but what it does is devours
while they sit there swearing.

Details | Quatrain | |

Get to Work

Men at work, bumper to bumper
tensile traffic, thick black bitumen.
Everything seems to last longer 
then that grey granulated concrete

that extends from Bodega, Cali-
fornia to Savannah, Georgia.
Blacktop pot-fill smells like
the solid and searing work of roofers;

hardhat knuckle down workers,
men that stretch skyscraper towers,
or suspend themselves over
the ledge of the Golden Gate Bridge.

If only this endless line of steel
on rubber wheels could steam roll
past the frustrated flashing lights
and pinstriped lattes honking horns.

If only these orange jump suites,
(sloth shaped men on armrest shovels,)
spent less time blathering like this poem,
we’d all be able to get to work. 

Details | Quatrain | |


                                                  SMOKEY AND ME

Smokey was a funny cat,
Filled with fun and love;
Adventurous as all cats are,
And Master of the Hunt.

He stalked the house in search of that,
Which posed some kind of threat,
A bug, a mouse, a ball of yarn,
No pest escaped his net,

That he had formed around our house,
He took responsibility,
To protect us from it all,
Because we were his family.

From babyhood he was my ken,
He always slept with me,
We played for hours in the yard,
Beneath the old Oak tree.

We climbed my swing set, climbed the tree,
Played in my sand box too,
Imagine my surprise to find,
He used it for a loo.

Kitty cat and little girl,
Fought jungle wars, climbed trees,
And then we sailed the Seven Seas,
Buccaneers were we.

We'd hide behind the sofa,
The curtains or in the hall,
And wait in ambush for our prey,
We really had a ball.

My sister's boyfriend happened by,
One night as we were hiding,
I yelled,"Chaarge!" and Smokey leaped,
The boy knocked off the siding,

On the book case in the hall,
As Smokey climbed his leg,
And we were sent to bed that night,
'thout supper though I begged.

Incarcerated pirates we,
The game continued on,
We'd wait until they were asleep,
Then eat til it was gone.

Then we'd escape into the night,
With valuables they cherished,
We'd be away by early light,
Leaving the guard embarrassed.

                                                    Judy Ball

Details | Quatrain | |

Wine, Women, and Song

Wine, women and song-
delirious impressions
both over- and understated.
Nonsense to the uninitiated.

This is how my daydream began:
gyrating  on stage with long hair
like and adolescent shaman-
visions of a young Jim Morrison.

Wine, women and song-
punk, funk, southern boogie drunk
battle ax guitars, pounding drums
blacken and brutal beer soaked bars.

This is the dream come true:
an insidious reality
that suddenly struck rude.
Nonsense to the uninitiated. 

Now, it is still the wine
women and song that I long for. 
Indelible impressions
both over-and understated. 

Details | Quatrain | |


Considering all the do's and don't's
in any given day
To savor all the in's and out's
in every special way

While messing with the up's and down's
to wait for them to bloom
Incorporating low's and high's
expecting them too soon

The stress of all the when's and how's
to labour for the love
The purpose of the then's and now's
to see push come to shove

For all the sense of why's and where's
connecting as they lie
The sureness of the if's and but's
to know there is no 'try'

Details | Quatrain | |

Eating Mud

I wish I could eat mud,
Though I've not wished it before;
Never again would I hunger,
For I'd have food galore!

I'd have mud pies and mud cakes,
With fresh-whipped clay for icing,
And mud is cheap as dirt today--
Can't argue with that pricing!

Details | Quatrain | |


                                                    KITTY LITTER

Kittens tumble to and fro,
From room to room, just watch them go.
Attack the curtains at first light,
The sheers put up a mighty fight.

Ninja kitties, assassins four,
Quietly steal across the floor,
Suddenly, quick as a flash,
They charge the loo in one mad dash.

The toilet paper is their goal,
In a furious fight they subdue the roll.
Entering I can't adjure,
They've made the bathroom all secure,

From things that lurk within the folds,
Hiding in the tissue rolls.
Four furry warriors, undisputed,
Whose courage cannot be refuted,

Patrol the house in search of that,
Which could cause harm to ken or cat.
What would I do without this troop,
You must admit, they're just too cute.

                                                    Judy Ball

(There's nothing cuter than a litter of kittens)

Details | Quatrain | |

Inflatable Christmas

Christmas lights on almost every house

And in the yard, a newer sight

Santas, Snowmen, and Penguins too

Bouncing about, as if to take flight

Tethered by air hoses and plastic spikes

They strain and dance in their plight

But in the morning they lay in a heap

Not such a cheerful or uplifting sight

Christmas cheer comes again at dark

A tribute to some decorating fun

Magical creatures again sit upright

Alive again until dawn has come

Details | Quatrain | |

The End Of The Tunnel

The end of the tunnel's in view, oh my
The end of the tunnel's in view
Hair's turned white no teeth of my own
Beginning to shake in my shoes

The end of the tunnel's in view, oh my
Not ready to cash in my chips
Got some unfinished business to tend to
Afore making that final trip

Sadly we don't know the time or place
So be ready for the final bell
Just hope and pray all that good living
Was enough to keep you from Hell

Shouldn't be scared you've led a good life
But there's always that little doubt
Creeping into your thoughts every night
What would be nice is an advanced scout

Don't think I'll write anymore of this stuff
This is scaring me half to death
Now there I've used that word death again
Still kicking till my very last breath

The end of the tunnel's in view, oh my
The end of the tunnel's in view
There's no turning back it's much too late
Hope I'm not at the front of the queue!

Details | Quatrain | |

Picking A Favorite

With so many Disney Characters It’s hard to pick only one There were many that I liked so much They were all just so such fun The only way I can make a pick Is by thinking like a kid I thought and thought til my brain boiled I almost blew off my lid At last I narrowed it down to one Finally became unstuck It’s the one I learned to imitate I could talk like Donald Duck

Details | Quatrain | |


Oh, the list of things
I really intended to do.
I meant to do them all,
I just never followed through.

I planed each thing so carefully,
with so much zeal and vigor.
But time passed so quickly,
and the list got so much bigger.

I put off till tomorrow,
but tomorrow wouldn't come.
And soon I was stockpiled,
with the things I hadn't done.

So I formed a brand new strategy,
sense the old on didn't work.
The way my life was going,
It was driving me beserk.

I found a way to rest my mind,
from the chores I had delayed.
I'd worry about them all next week,
and not think of them today.

Details | Quatrain | |

Maybe Crazy

They said I was crazy,
They called me insane,
But I know for certain
That I've got a brain.
I know all the skeptics
Wish on me shame;
The Voice in my head
Has told me the same.

Details | Quatrain | |

Best Taxi in Town

The model cub in Tyler, Texas Announced a model contest I saw an event I could enter But it will be a big test I only had one little engine It seemed to run really fine A birthday present given to me An Arden Oh Ninety Nine I’d never had a successful flight Only one event could I try To qualify for Class “A” Beauty Just three level laps to fly I checked out all the Class “A” Kits Mr. Mulligan was picked I built my plane without any help Glue, paper and balsa sticks Fly three level laps to qualify Then the plane is judged on beauty Obviously to have any chance My plane’s had to be a “cutie” So I painted and painted that plane It was finally looking its best I just refused to do a test flight Might crash before the contest Finally the big day came around Two guys signed for my event Before it was time to qualify I went to the judge’s tent They said: “You’ve got it all to yourself, You’re now in a one horse race” One guy had scratched his self from the list And one never showed his face My God, how could I be so lucky? Not competing with those guys Just three level laps and then; Guess what? I walk away with First prize Now it was time to fly those three laps The engine started OK I revved it up, as much as I could Thinking this maybe “my day”! Walked to the center of the circle Handle in hand, gave a nod He turned the plane loose and it went straight It what happened next that’s odd Mr. Mulligan just would not fly On the ground, went round and round Then I could hear the laughs from the crowd Things like: “Best taxi in town” That’s a day I will never forget But it still wasn’t in vain Before I’ll fly a contest again I will be testing my plane

Details | Quatrain | |

Barstool Banter

She sat at the bar and watched him from her stool
As he stared back at her with knowing and passion
She had sipped from her drink with tiny red straw
He saw her fine clothes were of the latest fashion

With a nod of her head he knew what to then do
He bought her a drink and had passed it her way
With a message for the barkeep to deliver to her
And this is what he wanted the message to say

Hey there, you know you’re the best looking here
I’d love to come over and get to know you tonight
If you accept my drink and sip it down seductively
Then I’ll come your way and hold you really tight

Her head then nodded and she had started to laugh
He wasn’t sure how to take the smile and laughter
But the barkeep came back with a message for him
That she knew just exactly his type, what he’s after

He then threw money on the bar, walking past her
You could hear him whisper these parting words 
You are just a tease; you are really a lonely whore
You smell like a pig and you’re clothes are absurd

Details | Quatrain | |

The Peril of Trees

Up in his branches?
Down in his toes?
Where's his brain hidin'?
Nobody knows.

You cut him, he bleeds
You chop him, he dies
You burn him, he crumbles
You tease him, he cries.

Whatever would cause you
to laugh at a tree?
Do you know he could mush you,
Insignificant flea?

Perhaps he can't run,
Perhaps he can't walk,
Perhaps he can't sing,
Perhaps he can't talk.

But he hears all you say,
And he sees all you do,
And it angers him greatly,
To be laughed at by you.

You may think he's funny,
You may think he's cute,
You may think he's ugly
And stupid to boot.

But that is no reason
To doubt its not true.
In more ways than one
He's exactly like you.

He knows about sadness,
He knows about pain,
He's cried in the sunshine,
And laughed in the rain.

But tease if you have to
And mock them as well,
Just remember they see you,
And paybacks are hell.

Details | Quatrain | |

Try This On For Size

She doesn't like my style of dress 
her taste is different so I guess 
I must confess her clothes are nice 
all put together with pizzazz and spice 
Soft and big, warm and comfy 
she says it makes me look so frumpy
Her body's tall, sleek and slim 
she can wear clothes that hug her skin 
My body's aged from giving birth 
it's changed my shape, my walk, my girth
Some day she'll find that just like me 
her body slim will no longer be 
And I do know some future day 
you'll come to me and you will say 
The old baggy jeans and flannel shirt 
may I borrow to wear instead of my skirt 
And your old worn slippers may I keep 
the high heeled shoes don't fit my feet 
Those worn out pj's look so good 
I'll get some like them, I think I should 
So together in the rocking chair 
feet put up, down with the hair 
Sitting in our comfy clothes 
we'll be together under the throws 
Oh dare to dream that'll be the day 
in the mean time I will say 
Just smile at me when you come around 
all dressed up to go out on the town
And know that I'm now warm and happy 
you look just fine so cold and snappy

Details | Quatrain | |

I am blocked

I sat down today to post a poem
Yah right!
My mind is naked and empty
What a sight!
My fingers itch to type what is fine
Never mind!
I fight to express what inside I see
It can't be!
I guess I'll wait until the block is gone
And write on!

Details | Quatrain | |

Closet Doors

Most closet doors are ok, if they're brand new homes.
Decorated with posters of the Rolling Stones.
Oh the monsters I made up when I was a child.
Inside my head were the sights of beasts running wild.

Some closet doors are made to punish naughty kids.
Because parents, though some grand, really blew their lids.
Long timeouts in the dark, sit still and be quiet.
But when I got out, I'd start a brand new riot!

Luckily all those times, are all behind me now.
So when I think back then, there's no beating my brow.
I don't see the monsters, or wild beasts anymore.
But clothes kept getting larger, in my closet doors.

Details | Quatrain | |

Quality Time-Vampire Style

Boy said, "Mom, they call me vampire at school
They treat me like dirt, they're very cruel
I'm tired of our name being dragged through the mud
Mom said, "Just shut up and drink your blood."

Mom asks Dad, "Where you headed tonight?"
Dad says, "Think I'll go out for a bite."
Mom gives him a wink and shows thumbs up
And says,"Just be back before the sun comes up."

The cold night air feels so invigorating
But the morning sun starts me disintegrating
When I get back, do you know what would excite me
Putting my face in your neck and you scream,"Bite me!"

When I get home, what will we have for dinner?
I hope it's not Mr. Miller, he's on blood thinner.
I'll stop by the graveyard before the break of day
To see what I can dig up along the way.

Let's enjoy each moment, they are so fleeting
If I were alive, my heart would be beating
I'll love you forever, no need to gloat
I can't wait to get my fang on your throat

She said "Oh, Darling, you make me insane.
I can feel the formaldehyde leave my vein
See the hole in ,y heart, the one you make
Not the one from the wooden stake.."

I remember the nights we'd watch Star Trek
Then you'd lean over and put two holes in my neck
And you'd say I love you but the last thing you did
Was kiss me good night and pull down the lid.

Details | Quatrain | |

What to Say

There is so much to say
In a handful of lines
But I don't know much
So I guess that's fine.

Details | Quatrain | |

From Mice

We poor little mice,
We like our cheese.
Yet whenever we get some,
You big people freeze;
You say you're allergic,
You say that you'll sneeze.
Just cover your nose
When we get our meals, please.

Details | Quatrain | |

My Muse Is On Vacation

My muse is on vacation
I not know where it went
My fingers now are still
My ideas now are spent
My days of this are over
I cannot write any more
My paper’s on the desk
My pen is on the floor
My only way to change this
Take matters in my hand
Buy an airplane ticket
Find my muse, where I land
Maybe then I will find it
And hopefully start again
So I will find beginning
And never see an end

Details | Quatrain | |


He is not more than four
with the adventurous eyes of a conquistador;
he is rascal but cute,
and with his innocence my rebukes he dilutes!

Little rascal, slowly ride your tricycle down the bumpy block;
be careful not to fall off, and don't turn when I yell, " Stop! " 
When I was your age, I did what you are doing now,
and riding fast on grandma's farm...I hit the biggest cow!

Cry when I scold you, it'll teach you a first lesson;
better watch out for danger than get hurt and bleed!
No Spunge Bob's ice cream at six o' clock, if you won't slow down! 
I laugh when you say, " I am sorry! " thinking of your treat!

He has a sharp mind, a knock for furious things and all the more he must dare; 
and as rascal as he seems, he hugs me when he's wrong...and sadly breaks down!
I am a fair uncle, and I wouldn't punish him for a mischief that he has done!
And pedaling away he gets more thrilled than a clown with fuzzy, red hair!

He is growing up too quickly by the day,
and like a rebellious grown-up...he puts up more resistance,
but if he thinks he'll get away with his childish mischievousness,
aside form being rascal but cute, in a second I'll wisk him away! 

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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A huntin we will go

Oh my God, I smell a stink
Here I sit, I'm startin to sink
Deer pee on my clothes, and mud
Squishing in my boots, (I think!)

Please just help me through this day.
When are deer gonna come my way?
Whisper, or we'll scare him off
Will he run on by, or will he stay?

I lifted my gun, and squeezed the trigger
Just as I was bitten by a handful of chiggers
The ten point buck just ambled away
But first he looked and let out a snigger!

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Women, Please Listen

Women, please listen to what I have to say!
Unfortunately, so many men were misjudged.
Listen to the things and then please decide
As to whether or not we deserve your love.

We were taught the ways of being strong, 
Importance of standing up for our rights
But, now as men, those traits live on 
And you women just say we enjoy fights.

In fact, if given a choice in the matter
Most men would choose to walk away
We enjoy our friendship with all the guys
And may want to hang out with them one day.

We were taught not to talk when taking a pee.
Never, oh never , to look around!
We would be labeled, oh yes, for the rest of our days
So, we just keep our eyes affixed to the ground.

Many were taught to hold open the doors
When women were walking on through.
Because of Steinham and the bra burning days
Some chivalry was lost unto you.

Though some are romantic and others are not.
It doesn’t mean love can’t be found.
Just open your eyes and open your hearts.
Know their love, still has no bounds.

You see, many today, all men just the same
Seek the love that you can provide
Yes, we love your scent and arousal is easy
However, we just want to be by your side.

Any way to be near, is the way to be had,
And recognize the fact that we’re there.
For many just like the smell of perfume
As others, they like to twirl hair.

I, speaking for them, can’t tell you everything
For there is an unwritten law.
Just remember each time you judge one of us
That women, too, have their flaws.

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Raise a Glass for Cheer

To you my friends, I raise this glass
of love, good will and cheer.
For, may we meet again, for laughs,
at this same place next year.

Fear not the passing on my friends,
should you, not then, appear.
For, we will fill a glass for you
at your setting every year.

For, if you show in spite of death,
to raise a glass for cheer,
well my good friends, I say to you,
“you won’t catch me here, next year!”

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There’s a weapon of torcher in my bathroom
It didn’t used to be there
Everything was fine til a few days ago
Could use it without a care

I’ll tell you what happened to change everything
When my big job was complete
 I was just starting to rise up from the stool
BANG! I broke the toilet seat 

The very next time as I used the bath room
I yelled, jumped up from the flinch
The toilet seat crack first opened then closed
Torture from a “Kistapinch”

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The Naming of Dogs

The naming of dogs is a serious matter,
as dogs are, by nature, a serious lot.
A name sets the tone for a pup’s pranks and patter;
and long into dog-hood. So, give it some thought.

Call a pup BOZO, he’ll just be a clown,
playing dead, pirouetting when you command “DOWN!”
If you dub your dog KING, you’ll be swelling his head;
he’s born to do nothing, he’s royally-bred.

You could call a dog BOOMERANG (comes when you call);
or SNAPPY, or FIDO (most faithful of all).
But to be realistic, here’s my advice.
It takes so much training to make a dog nice.

You give a command of obedience, NOW!
The dog’s suddenly deaf, he says “Say what?” or “How?”
So christen him WHY? – philosophical pup.
When you say “WHY SIT!” he’s bound to get up.

You could call him WHO ME? or perhaps NEVERMORE.
My personal choice, DON'T, no dog can ignore.
Just yell at him “DON’T COME!” He’ll see it’s his game
and run off to prove that he’s true to his name.

(with apologies to T.S. Eliot)

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Let's try to define the word OLD
It isn't hard to do
One looses their memory
And their hearing goes too

What is it like
To become old at heart
You sure don't need a comb
Because there's nothing to part

When it comes to reading
You do nothing but squint
So they buy you a subscription
To reader's Digest LARGE PRINT

When you step upon the scale
You're scared to look down
For some reason, it seems
There are a few extra pounds

Then there are your children
And now they have some too
It's okay to grow old
Because of the memories of you

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Rip Van Winkle

Wake me from my slumber
As it’s been too many years
My hair has grown so long
I even have a beard

I slept there as a boy
But awakened as a man
Not learning all I needed
To be the best I can

So now I must endure
Many learning days ahead
I’ll be careful not to let myself
Fall asleep when not in bed.


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Where Are You

Where’s the funny man gone to,
That made me laugh a lot?
Who shared his sensitive side,
And kept the soup hot.

A comical heart stop posting,
I yearn to have a great laugh.
I speak for many people,
On my sincere...behalf. 

I miss everything about you,
I wish you’d return to the soup.
Without your funny posts,
I feel way out of the loop.
Where’s he been hiding?
I miss his comments too.
I just want to know,
Michael Torres, where are you?

Inspired by Christie Moses' Contest
Written to my friend Michael Torres 
In search of his whereabouts.

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Chilly October has quickly brought in
another spirited, indelible Holloween;
allowing our witty and insane minds 
to plan the craziest, wildest things.

Witches, wizards, goblins and ghosts
all join in to give a bone-chilling night;
I put on a custom so dazzlingly white,
to scare anyone who laughs and boasts.

This ghost is never spoken of in any tale,
unknown by name, leaving no easy trail;
the only thing he does well is making sneers,
and send everyone scrambling with screams.

How frightened and pale these kids must really be,
when they cuddle up in their beds and can't sleep,
thinking of those spirits at their doorsteps;
lots of fun and delight at their expense...         

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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It is not just a game
you don't play it for fun
it consumes all even your name
but don't be fooled this is no pun.

you sit there shooting
they try and shoot back
you continue your alluding
they die and then hit the sack.

you sit there in contempt
talking trash to all that was matched
thinking your that time was well spent
then all you see is yourself  unattached.

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Fisticuffs at 42

A tussle
A fray
A skirmish
A soiree

A fracas
A fight
A scuffle
A blight

A scrap
A brawl
A melee
A free for all

A quarrel
A clash
A donnybrook
A birthday bash

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"Our family isn't normal!",
you often like to say.
What's wrong with popping wheelies
in a mower race with Ray???

So what if dad likes mooning
and showing off his rear.
You might see when you're older,
You will face your biggest fear.

Your house will be just like ours!
Your kids will all be nuts!
I hope you're ready for this life...
Do you think you've got the guts?

Will you laugh it off
when your "sweetheart" needs a ride...
(even when she say she hopes
you'll duck your head and hide?)

I hope you will remember 
how it felt to be thirteen.
When your family isn't normal,
and your dad's "King of the Bean".

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Twenty four! Twenty four! I got a twenty four!
I know it doesn't sound like much, but that's a perfect score!
My paper my paper, took four hours to write.
My paper my paper, kept me from sleeping at night.

But a twenty four!  A twenty four!
I couldn't ask for more!
My usage and mechanics, were at the very brink.
But I sure impressed them!  Or at least that's what I think!

A twenty four! I got a twenty four!
Celebration and parties for everyone galore!
I must have left quite an impression,
They must have liked my written expression.

Twenty four! Twenty four! I got a twenty four!
I know it doesn't sounds like much, but that's a perfect score!
This calls for a time of celebration!
Let's spread the new to the entire nation!!

This is my little rejoicing poem, because I aced my final writing test for the year! :]

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Funny Bone

Tickle me with your finger
Just under my little toe
Or use the softest feather
My laughter will then grow

There is a ticklish spot
I have just on my side
Tickle it so gently
Then laughter can not hide

Tickle me with your words
Then laughter you will get
I can not help but giggle so
I’ll laugh out loud, I’ll bet

You make me giggle all the time
Awake and when I sleep
The giggling, it is there for you
For my laughter cannot keep

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Too Old For This

A tangled view, with fighting inclination
Bloodshot eyes cut through, so they can see
Once a champ with hopes of a big comeback
A title fight is where he wants to be

Fists of fury, though slowed down since youth
A pension he will have, if not a prize
A wheelchair awaits the aged legs of the fighter
If all permits, by round three he doesn’t die

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Our House

Our house was just an empty box.
We filled it with our love.
At first it was just you and I.
Then 3 more (with help from above.)

We fixed the rooms and filled them up
with things we like to share.
Some of our things are "different".
I like to call them "rare".

Like your bull horns and antlers
as well as all my books.
We just care that "We like it!"
We don't care how it looks.

Some people call it "cluttered".
Some call it "shabby chic".
Our house fits us just perfectly,
because like us, it is "unique".

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The poor little boy who cries in the night
His stomach is giving him pain
I wish I could make him all better right now
But now my stomach’s feeling the same.

A bug, it has entered into my home 
And seems to have hit us all hard
Oh, I can’t wait until we’re all better
Because we can’t even leave our own yard

Staying close to the house is what we do now
Running…oh, yes, that is what we do
This stomach bug’s got its claws in us
And is making us sit here and stew

The image, I know, it isn’t that pretty
Nor is it happy or pleasant at all
But I’m only sharing so you’ll lock your door
When that bug comes to your house to call.

Watch what you eat and watch what you drink
Don’t step outside not properly dressed
Or you’ll get this bug like the rest of us
And be your own worst house guest.

Take my word, please, oh friend of mine,
Six of us are sick all at once
With only one bathroom in this whole house
Being sick just isn’t that fun.

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Data Interruptus

My hard drive is failing
The screen’s gone berserk
I hit all these buttons
But it still doesn’t work
My memory’s filled up
My videos play slow
The sound is all scratchy
And muffled and low

I backed up the hard drive
What good did that do?
There’s smoke from the tower
Uh oh, I am screwed
All my efforts are lost
Cause I took a big risk
By trusting the PC
And not using disk

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Thank-You Garden

The garden is producing food
as we go about our day.
Without so much as a thank-you
this garden goes away.

While in full swing, we pick it's fruit
and never look back.
We haul it in as if it's loot
that fills our empty sack.

One day I'd like to thank-you
for the goodness you provide.
I hope I'll have the time to
but time passes like the tide.

No matter what you're thinking
I appreciate your care
Maybe you're just a garden,
but I'm sure glad you're there!!

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Spirits Beware

Solitary spirit, there wandering free
Are you the ghost that always haunts me?
I hear you walking my hallways at night
To my surprise, spirit, you’re gone by daylight
Oh, active spirit, I hear you out there
Is it your intention to have me so scared?
For here in my bed with the sheets pulled up high
I wish that you, spirit, would learn how to fly
Oh, you loud spirit, that makes all that noise
You’re louder than all of my girls and my boys
In the morning, when’s sunshine or covering mist
I’m calling that number for the exorcist

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Shadow Figures

Silhouetted forms upon the wall
Sun makes shadows for all to see
Alas, there is a dog and a bird
Oh, and that one there, yep, that is me

Silly shadows, we all have made
Entertainment for the few
I know many who make these figures
I am one, how ‘bout you?

I sit and often make these figures
Laughing, thinking they look good
Truth be told, they’re not resembling
All the things I say they should.

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Wash Day

Frayed and puckered in a heap
Skivvies on top, worn socks beneath
Lace collar curled up in disgust
Offensive smells to upper crust

Deep baskets poured out jumbled loads
Soap bubbles flip flopped to and fro
Pearl buttons twirled as I declared
“Those agitatin’ underwear!”

Riled ruffles twisted in a bind
As boxers wiggled up behind
Inclined to fret and whirl away
When this old tub began to sway

Just fixin’ to soak in some suds
Till wringers caught the cycles buzz
This necks been drawn too many times
By garments surely less refined

Soon clothespins gathered at my tag
To pinch my frills despite those rags
Hung out to dry, high strung until
Tucked in a bag marked good will

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On the wind's current,
face-swept and braving fret;
I push forward...facing a tough day,
never fainthearted: merrily drifting away!

I challenge my strength,
to fuse more enthusiasm;
to beat the puzzled clouds with ingenuity,
and they, frustrated, initiate a plot against me!

I laugh, making them infuriated,
and they respond with stronger blows;
thinking they can't be imitated!
Don't they know that I watch all their moves?

Call me a marine or a sky-diver,
I may not look too convincing for a liar;
the open sky lets me on the wind's current,
lifting me off the earth to deliver my stunt!

Where are my rivals?  Are they hiding or 
planning my imminent defeat?
I may be too naive to cheat,
but I am as swift as a hunting panther!

On the wind's current so rough,
aware and attentive, I make my living;
chasing the fearless eagles with a bluff,
vulnerable...yes, but unafraid and willing! 

Copyright by Andrew Crisci

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Hand in My Pocket

There’s a hand in my pocket
Don’t think it is mine
It’s rummaging for something
It’s looking to find
What will it take? 
Why won’t it go?
This hand in my pocket
It tickles me so.
I have not a dollar
Nor quarter to spare
But this hand in my pocket
Still seeks without care.
It’s reaching for something
Oh my, I should have known
That this hand in my pocket
Was really my own.

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What Ever Will I Do?

Where do I go now?
What can I do?
I wanted to write
But where are you?

I turned on my computer
And you were not there
All I found was empty
I just sat there and stared

I didn’t think I liked it
But now I’m sure I do
I don’t know how I’ll live
Without visiting you

I really didn’t notice
The first thing that I do
I get up in the morning 
I go straight to you

I find my list of poems
And then I start to write
I even catch myself
Looking there at night

No it’s not an addiction
It’s just the way it’s been
I seem to have found a place 
I feel like I fit in

Some may think it’s silly
Maybe obsession
I don’t care what they think
This is my confession

I want to see my poems
Filtered through the loop
I like to have the feedback 
From my friends at Poetry Soup

I wrote this poem this morning while the service was unavailable. This is just for 
fun and I guess I was really bored. LOL  

I want to say thank you to all that have commented on my work and made me feel 
like I fit in. Smiles from Lena "Lolita"

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With talk of some depravity
She had some insecurity
It was intended levity
That brought up the impurity

But due to the gravity
And a sense of new propriety
She became a true deity
When I received sobriety

The then avoided atrocity
Turned into only animosity
But, through her generosity
She finally gave me pity

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Five to six feet tall, 
roughly the same size 
as your average poet, 
but incapable of flight.

His wings but one-tenth 
of his total height;
in short, a groundling 
in a bird’s disguise.

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Warning of Pandora

Pandora had a box so very ample
She put it out so everyone can see
Beware I say, you’re not allowed to sample
What lies inside is trouble, guaranteed

Do stay away from, though it’s very tempting
That box would make you rue the very day
Dire results if you would be attempting
Just turn around and go the other way

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Christmas Fun

Up and down the attic stairs
Dusty corners of the house
All for what? What is stirring,
Just the dust? How ‘bout that mouse?

Just the feeling that I get
When moving boxes to and fro,
I love the season, yes, I do,
But hate the work, oh don’t you know?

It’s all for good, the lights, the songs,
Not the boxes, ouch! My back!
There better be some nifty presents
Just for me in Santa’s sack.

After taking down the broken fixtures
Just to find I must buy more
Where is my wallet, rather the money?
Why must I, run to the store?

Out on the lawn, running electric;
Candy canes here and a big Santa there.
Oops, a short is in the wire.
I just burned off all of my hair!

Up on the ladder stringing lights,
I told my kids, “don’t plug them in!”
But, damn, they did and down I went
Shocked full of juice, grounded again!

Lest not forget the “why” I do it,
It’s so the kids experience joy.
Cursing that the lights are broken,
All they want is a stinking toy.

But now, the work is finally over,
The date, huh, is now January fifth,
Who the hell made up that rule
To remove decorations on the sixth?

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Summer Regrets

Just like a red tomato
My skin, it now burns bright
Two hours in the sunshine
If only it had been night

The pain is now settling in
And the aloe offers no calm
Vinegar just smells so bad
I need a brand new balm

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Dream of Celebrities II

Well, here I am again, with my tales from the night before.
Just when you thought you heard it all, here I am with more.
Remember back in “one” of the tales I told to you,
Well please sit back and listen, because here comes number two.

Bob Hope and Bing Crosby didn’t make it, they’re on the road.
Buster Keaton remained quiet, but communicated in code.
The Babe and Lou Gehrig were playing there own game
While poor old Gracie Allen could not remember her name.

George Washington, yeah he was there, even holding his old axe
Until Lizzie Borden came along and took it for some whacks.
Lady Godiva was there and I didn’t hear a word she said.
Marie Antoinette was there, and not without her head.

Ah, there goes Nostradamus, who said the earth would fail.
Oh, and there’s the Birdman, who couldn’t keep himself in jail.
Poor Ben Franklin looked like he just came in from a storm.
Oh, wow, check this out! Hey, Sammie, is that Norm?

Louis fourteenth and Robespierre were rehashing their old times.
Oh, look, there goes Dr. Seuss. I always loved his rhymes.
I even had the chance to ask King Arthur of Guinevere,
But that’s when Nostradamus came back and said the end is near.

Pope John Paul the second was chatting with Lady Di.
I didn’t have the guts to talk to them. I didn’t want to try.
Mugsy and Satch came over, from the other side of town.
Wilbur and Orville were there, but couldn’t stay on the ground.

Too many of these famous people, to say that they know me
Therefore, from this poem, now, I will really have to flee.
But, if I get the time to write more of this , you see
Then please check back, again, for this poem, number three.

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Irish Haunting

In the Emerald Isle
Where leprechauns reside
Banshees rule the nighttime
With horrific cries
But wandering upon this night
The air was thick with mist
I felt a tingle down my spine
As something grabbed my wrist
I turned so, in a hurry
Expecting then a face
As happiness had left my heart
With fear it was replaced
I quickly ran down, to an Inn
I shot down three big drafts
The keeper and the patrons
They could not help but laugh
For they then told the story
Of a lass that passed away
Some see her in the glen
Others hear her, they just say
But, I happened to be there
10 years to the day
In the same location 
On this 15th day of May
For on that day a decade ago
Her new spouse bore a knife
And brought it down upon her
Taking away her life
They say she keeps on trying
To find that once true man
To take his life, just as he did
She now wanders o’er the land
I was so damn frightened
For that could have been me
So I am never leaving here
Cause I threw away their key

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The Vacant Eye

Blinded as a child, 
by a rock thrown at my eye
The pain was great, I'd demonstrate, 
but I'd hate to make you cry
I found a marble on the street
and figured it would do
Popped it in that vacancy
so I could stare at you
Now 'scuse me sir, it's rude to gawk
at someone else's head
even if my real eye's green
and the other crimson red.
Beggar's can't be choosers,
that's what I've always known
This shiny red is better still
than just plain hollow bone
Now turn away and eat your soup
you perfect featured fellow
Be glad your eyes are real and match-
They could be blue and yellow...

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Sleeping Problems

My day is finally complete
I can now rest my head
Next to my wife
There, sleeping in bed
The doors are all locked
I have turned off the lights
I’ve checked all the kids
And I’ve kissed them goodnight
The windows are shut
The thermometer is set
Everything is now quiet
As I rest then my head
But alas, there’s a noise
So quickly I rise
I run to the kitchen
While rubbing my eyes
Where there in the corner
Just waiting to relieve
Is the family dog, Lucky
Who whimpers to me
So I unlock the door
Turn on the backyard light
I tell her to go out
And make it quick on this night
I’ve work in the morning 
I must soon retire
But the dog did not hear me
As she ran, like on fire
She cornered a critter 
Who crawled under the fence
Then so did the dog
So outside I went
When the door had shut closed
It locked fast behind 
I hadn’t a key
I then lost my mind
For the dog had come back
With no way to get in
As I in my skivvies
Was sporting a grin
I knocked on the door
As loud as could be
The whole house had awakened
And just laughed at me 
So back to bed they went
I double checked all again
Then quickly ran to bed
And out then I went

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My Headstone

Here lies a man
who first was a son.
Stayed with his parents
‘til he found the right one.
Then he was half
of the pair that we knew.
He loved her immensely
with a devotion so true.
He’s also a father
of four, don’t you know?
Because of so many
that’s why he did go.

Rest in peace, you’ve earned it!

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Dream of Celebrities I

Met some famous people in a dream I had last night.
Meeting and greeting them was surely my delight,
However, the way they mingled was more than I could bear.
There actions made me worry and made me stop and stare.

The Duke, John Wayne, was poised with a gun there in his hand.
Mae West was there, too, looking for many a one-night stand.
Groucho, Harpo and Chico were chasing the women away.
While Nero, with his fiddle, all he could do, was play.

Nary a one, had given notice to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Be careful with your money, there goes Bonnie and there goes Clyde.
Gandhi, who was trying to gain peace within himself,
Was being hit, on the head, by a unicorn and an elf.

Marilyn was careful that the photographers wouldn’t see,
But, it was too late for her, for they saw J F Kennedy.
Lincoln was doing his best to calm old Mary Todd back down
Because she saw him with Lana Turner and it turned his head around.

Plato and Socrates were in a scuffle over life.
King Henry the 8th was there, seeking out a wife.
Both Hepburn and Tracy were there spouting out their lines
And the entire Barrymore family had just run out of wine.

The Mick and Ole Blue Eyes were there exchanging notes
On all the girls and liquor, that surely got there votes.
Poor Elvis, in the corner, was struggling with dessert,
While Gypsy Rose Lee was dancing, lifting up her skirt.

Too many of these famous people for me to say I know
Therefore, from this poem, now, I will have to go.
But, if I get the time to write some more of this for you
Then please check back, again, for this poem, number two.

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Harlots on Harleys
Barbies on broomsticks
Midgets on widgets
Buddha on Broadway

Leaders in leotards
Players in playpens
Twinkies in Slinkies
Christ in Cabaret

Temptation of teddies
Tyranny of toupees
Ecstasy of ecstasy
Yahoo of Yahweh 

Widows with whiskey
Yoda with yen
Saviors with favors
Zeros with Zen

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My Aches (Giggle)

Lovely nurse, I’ve hurt my hand
I cannot make a fist
One thing can make it better
Please give it now a kiss

Oh, nurse, I’ve hurt my leg
Been hurting for a while
Please give it now a kiss
Then you will see me smile

Nursey, I have a sore
It’s right here on my neck
To make me feel all better
It needs a little peck

Oh, nurse, I’ve done it now
This one deserves a lick
Because I am so sore again
But now it is my…

By the way, oh nursey
I love you dressed in white
The stockings and the cap
Makes me feel alright!

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Silhouette shadowed upon the shade
While the light behind her casts so bright
Oh, the shape I see, so statuesque
As I stand on this corner, this frigid night

It’s still, but ever so bountiful a form
I cannot believe my eyes as I stare
Is she even dressed or does it matter?
Does this woman see me or even care?

But wait, a hand, pulling on the shade
She will be revealed to my awaiting eyes
What? A mannequin now displayed
Damn! You don’t know how I hate surprise

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Fear's Face of Death

She picked him from the line up
Nothing special, but had that look
He turned and winked at the window
She hoped that he was the crook

Bail had gotten him his freedom
She read in the papers that day
Then a loud knock on her door
Scared her in an unnerving way

She walked quietly to the door
Listened at the other side
Thought to turn around and run
And find a place to hide

She ran out from the backdoor
Then fell, thud, upon the ground
It was then she had turned to look
Because of an unknown sound

She looked into the face of death
Or rather she thought she had
But, in fact it was not really
It was not all that bad

A little girl was standing
And offered her a hand
Then asked of her smiling,
“Buy some cookies, ma’am?”

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Free from control
Choice my creed
Going to satisfy the urge
To discover the need

Free from thought
Ignorance my creed
Going to satisfy the urge
To discover the need

Free from strife
Bliss my creed
Going to satisfy the urge
To discover the need

Call from wife
Satisfaction her creed
Going to wash the dishes
So she don’t leave

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Blind Facts

People speak of wondrous rainbows
Many colors to behold
I only wish that I could see them
Color blindness, getting old

Then they talk of fields of green
Lovely shades, lovely hues
I only wish that I could enjoy them
As all of you, I really do

The many vibrant colored spectrums
Is always lost on the likes of me
I can not make out all the colors
I wish I could, but cannot see

People ask me how I get dressed
Matching trousers to the top
Oh, all the times that I have heard this
I wish the questions would just stop

Growing up and drawing pictures
Kids made fun of what I drew
The grass was brown, the sky was purple
What was a six year old, to do?

Now I’m grown up, yet still happens
People ask me all the time
Driving through those red lights, hey there,
Isn’t that a punishable crime?

The crime, in fact, is not the seeing
The many colors of the sun
Differentiating between them all
Is something I wish, but never done

So if you see me wearing purple
And my pants are brown or green
Do not laugh, please understand
Because your comments can be mean

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Good, Now Gone Bad

Behind the door, I know she’s there
She’s waiting silently and ever still
But, I can hear her breathing hard
To not open the door, takes some will

I am weak and I want her bad
She’s my desire, my heart she robbed
So I will enter, yes, I will
Damn door’s locked, I can’t turn the knob

Oh damn, she’s up, the moment’s lost
She had to come and turn the key
Then I entered with yet high hopes
But she assured, there’s none for me

So I then sulked and left the room
Sat in the dark with just my gloom

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 now I
've got your number 
 he said as he left me

on the
highest hill in the town,

Number one 
you are boring 
and now you've bereft me

of two 
of the diamonds
I spent on your gown.

of the children are
years or older ,so
I'm taking the
 o'clock train out of state,
go pack them 
 bags in a 
 bag folder
and get them all dressed,
for I must not be late,

times I told you my
lives are waning 
minutes later 
 bells  sound 
o'clock midnight 
 my patience is straining
your number is up 
and my 

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Too Long

Pardon me, ma’am, have you the chance
To allow this man opportunity to eat
I’ve suffered long, without a taste
And wish to now partake in treat

Pardon me, ma’am, have you the will
To let this man now partake of you
It’s been so long, I shall not lie
So please give me what now is due

A little taste, I beg of you

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When Mickey Gets Mad

He rips through the walls 
And runs through your house
He does so much damage 
For one little mouse
He’ll steal all your cookies
And he’ll never say please
So bolt up the cupboard
And hide all the cheese


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I'm Drowning

I am a soda addict
Of this I can attest
I must give up the soda
I have to do my best

The carbonation kills me
Yet still I drink it down
I wake up in the morning
To not so friendly sounds

I now drink so much water
I’m ready to explode
I’m always in the bathroom
Relieving from the load

They say the water helps with
The brittleness of bones
But all it really helps with 
Is passing of some stones

Though, I am feeling better
As water is so healthy
My bladder is now filled
Giving me much buoyancy

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To Write That One

I wish to write a poem, great
One that serves well to inspire
With words selected, choice yet sweet
Perhaps, speak of desire

I wish to write a poem, great
That many would remember
They’d keep it in their hearts and minds
From January through December

I wish to write a poem, great
That would really make my mark
Let it burn like a fire out of control
From my mind, set ablaze with a spark

I wish to write a poem, great
Or maybe one that’s just enjoyed
You can’t become rich writing in verse
That is why I’m still employed

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Happy They Are

The two happily ride off to their sunsets
Bridled and tethered, on horses they sit
With smiles so wide, present as they gallop
They tighten their hold on the harness a bit

Pulling the reigns ever so tight now
Seeing them kick their spurs to the side
Let me know of the fun they are now having
As they travel in circles on this carousel ride

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Silly Summer

Summer days of yesteryear
Seemed to be carefree
Sunny afternoons were spent
Swimming in the sea

Secretly the men, they ogled
Seductively, at all the girls
Swimming suits covered all, 
Still, all the men’s eyes twirled

Some say days were better then
Sunny summer days of yore
Since bikinis, now, are way smaller
Summer’s much better, by the score

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Dear Sis in Law

Dear sis-in-law, you are never older
You are now getting wiser by the year
I hope the knowledge that you acquire
Let’s you meet things head on, without fear

The sun will always rise for every morrow
As will it set, when day turns into night.
Into your future, with the sunrise, may you walk
Towards the sun, so that your face is always in the light.

When evening comes, the moon will then smile
Rising to allow you light, romantic and serene
Let the moon assist you this year and ever after
And let it grant everything you’ve ever dreamed.

So, Kathy, I have to say now, Happy Birthday!
I’m sorry that this poem’s a little late
Forgive me please, time is of the essence
You’re 41 now, with not much time waste. 

Ha Ha Ha!!!

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Do I Mis Her? Nah!

It has been 3 years to the day since she left
It was just like when she entered my life, hurried
Like a whirlwind she was, a petite dynamo
Always doing something, leaving nothing buried

She had her hands in everything she wanted
Never gave a thought to how it could affect most
She was in her own world; I let it go too long
She was always the center, always being the host

I look back, thankful she’s gone, still I miss
We had many wonderful times that were shared
I hope she changes her ways, less selfish
For anyone she is with now, I just hope she cares

I have no regrets over any time spent with her
She was able to fill some of my nights with dreams
Her character or lack thereof, was the problem
I hope her new beau can put up with some screams

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Drinks Anyone?

In a dim lit barroom, sitting
never quiet, I do say
there’s a man ever present
with a game there to play
If you have some quarters
and some time there to fill
seek out this man, Patty,
as he’ll give you a thrill
With many a story
a tale he would tell
Patty drinks his worth
and does it quite well
with always a pint
or a mug there in hand
you’d be so surprised
at how well he could stand
For he holds well his liquor
and does so with pride
So you shouldn’t play quarters
with Patty McBride

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Don't Do The Rhyme

With a warrant from the courts
and a judgment is there, too
be cautious of the sheriff
for he comes now just for you

For the crimes you have committed
with proof engraved by pen
the sheriff is hunting you down
it’s a matter of just when

For you have stolen this man’s
pulsating, dreaming heart
with poems you’ve created 
with feelings you’d impart

So here’s the sheriff for you
with cuffs, he’ll take you away
Behind prison doors you’ll be locked up
as rhyme just doesn’t pay (LOL)

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The Launderer

She said she had a stain
I told her what to do
Take off the clothes she wore
To stand there in full view

She said she wasn’t sure
If this would all work out
I said to please not worry
For I hadn’t any doubt

Until she saw me smile
As I locked within a stare
She knew, just at that moment
For the stain, I had no care

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Reconstructive Criticism

My face, I wished it had been a bit more chiseled
With high cheek bones and even a deeper cleft chin
But it isn’t, so I must learn then to be happy
With me and all the skin I happen to be in

Some things can just never ever be changed
Or, rather today, they shouldn’t be changed just because they can
Like skin color, body mass and higher cheek bones
And even that one that turns a woman to a man

I respect everyone’s right to their own choices
But my choice is to believe we deal with what we get
Learn to embrace the body we were born with
Before we become the person we never met

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The Screamer

Our children gone, our empty nest
now is our time to enjoy our zest,
then in our bedroom a problem arose
my wife's new freedom, she lost her compose.

With the children gone no one to hear
passions she would scream, no shame to bear.
Her cries of lust would fill the room
and reverberate all afternoon.

I would muffle her mouth, with my hand in fear
her excitement that our neighbors could hear.
A distraction to me, to say the least
I could only pray for quit and piece.

That noise put me off my given task
my performance suffered something I lack.
She would scream so loud my ears may pop.
"You sick pervert don't touch me!-Stop!"