A fleeting still small voice tries to warn me
A sudden overwhelming desire to run
The tell tale taste of metallic flakes
Means my nightmare has begun
Everything around takes on a ghostly pallor
A landscape of anguish and corrosion
A moment of silence before the violence
The flash of light, the brilliant explosion
The sound of the Sun fills my ears
Fear, my throat, though none escapes me
And paralyzed I clench my eyes
As my tormentor prepares to rape me
And it's endeavor is absolute
Consumption is its ultimate goal
It exists to chase me so it can erase me
Whilst feasting on my soul
And then that familiar salty smell
The sudden rush of warmth so stings
Engaging me relentlessly
In vile unspeakable things
Over and over and over again
My limbs stretched and wrought
As it's teeth tear my bones bare
It's mind defiles my thoughts
And still wounds beget wounds beget wounds
As in the mouth of madness I suffer
And with every injury he just seems to be
Rougher and rougher and rougher
Then just as suddenly as it began it ceases
And for a moment I am clearer
And then the true horror of it all
Is revealed in a darkly lit mirror
There in front of me stands my destroyer
Face flush with it's fill of my pain
And I find that it's eyes and mine
My God, they’re one in the same
Walking through the darkness
of the madness in my mind
I stumble on the pieces
of the twisted thoughts I find
I think about the way I am
and what I'll never be
as I sort through the wreckage
of what once was known as me
Searching for the sunshine
I am drowning in the rain
submerged in black emotion
I'm infused with all it's pain
There is no way I can escape
this hell inside my head
and though I am still breathing
I've become the living dead
In my heart I'm grieving
for a life I'll never know
I'm begging for my freedom
as I feel my madness grow
I am praying for redemption
as I choke on bitter tears
but I cannot find forgiveness
as I'm swallowed by my fears
I wonder if they see it
when they look into my eyes
I'm torn apart and weakened
as in silence my heart cries
and all the feelings that I hold
are suffocating me
as they cut and claw my mind
until they're all I see
Time is rushing by me
I am tired, growing old
the winds of change are blowing
and their bite is harsh and cold
I keep fighting for my freedom
but my freedom I won't find
as long as I am living
in the madness of my mind
Living with my madness
is the only life I know
and so much time is wasted
as my useless teardrops flow
I don't need to see tomorrow
should it be just like today
while I'm living in my madness
I'm not living anyway
Note: This was written after a bout with my depression and all is well! To quote a dear,
beloved friend, I am “Making lemonade”! Love, Robin
Another day comes
another one goes
and when it will end
no one really knows
time marches faster
with each passing day
as I'm watching life
just slipping away.
The hours tick by
as into the night
hurting and hopeless
devoid of my light
I'm seeking answers
to set my mind free
should I keep trying
or should I still be?
Where am I going
and what should I do
am I a failure
who's washed up and through?
The rest of the days
that I have left here
surely are numbered.
my heart sheds a tear.
So much time wasted
so many dreams killed
I feel my heart quake
another tear's spilled.
The morning draws near
no answers I find
searching these chambers
alone in my mind.
Do I have value
and what is my worth
am I just wasting
my time on this earth?
Answers evade me
as time ticks away
my heart is weeping
as I kneel to pray.
Dear God please tell me
please give me a sign
am I just crazy
by my own design?
Will I be able
to conquer my pain
or will I always
feel like I'm insane?
What is my meaning
where do I fit in
before my life's through
why did it begin?
I notice the sun
another day's over
Sailing these seas, right now the waves are rough.
The ship is hard to steer, and I fear we may sink.
My crew has hope, but they don’t see what I do.
The water’s looking troubled, just like the way I think.
Sailing these seas, the waves have settled down.
The ship is sailing smoothly, I believe we’ll be okay.
My worries are at the back of my head.
I’ll save them for another day.
Sailing these seas, I think we’ve struck something!
My crew is in a panic, and I was not prepared.
Captain, don’t you know you always have to be cautious?
Even the leader sometimes gets scared.
Arriving at the shore, the ship barely intact.
Most of my crew is gone, but a few knew how to live.
They saved me when I needed them.
I want to show thanks, but I have nothing left to give.
To me, this poem sort of symbolizes depression, while indirectly talking about it.
The first verse pretty much says
"I am in a bad place, and I have supporting friends/family, but they don't see what I'm going through the way I do."
Second: "Things are getting better and I've decided to stop worrying about bad things happening and try to be happy."
Third: "Whenever I start thinking about good things and have hope, something bad always happens and I should've been prepared for it."
Fourth: "I made it through it, but lost a lot of the people supporting me because they couldn't handle me while I was down, and whatever I went through weakened me so it's hard to show gratitude to the people who stayed."
Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With naked wrists and darkest souls,
She slams her fists against the bars,
And still she screams she sees the ghosts.
Through summer days and autumn nights,
Through season’s end and blinded sights,
They keep her down and clip her wings,
To mute the lovely song she sings.
In troubled times for modest lives,
To see the truth beyond the lies,
As time goes by and death comes 'round,
Her body’s cast upon the ground.
Through hearts of ice and hands of stone,
The devil’s wife’s possessed the throne.
But even though pain’s at it’s most,
She’ll still admit she’s seen the ghosts.
A wildflower stands erect
Soaking in rays of radiance
As the bees and townsfolk buzz
And the wind sways in a slow dance
Contentment is where she stands
Until she spots something missing
Among all the townsfolk talk
She was bound to start listening
Was in the clouds but now on land
Leans in to get a better view
A life involved with others
But she doesn't know what to do
Clueless but curious
Tries to start a conversation
In search of a smile
Doesn't find it in rejection
Caring but cautious
Hoping to look approachable
In search of a word
Doesn't happen when you're invisible
Confused and crushed
World doesn't make much sense
In search of a friend
Everything is better in ignorance
Laughter among all but her
She hides her eyes in sorrow
A life void of others
No hope for tomorrow
Disappointment is where she stands
Teased by something she can't have
Alone among a crowded crowd
Her heart wounded by lonesome's stab
A wildflower builds a wall
Unsure if she can be saved
Brick by brick is stacked
Her own prison's being paved
If I had a bottle of pills
I’d dump them out inside my mouth
Take the last few swigs of vodka
And swallow all of them down
If I had a big sharp knife
I’d drag the cold steel across my skin
If I thought for a moment it might
Bring this feeling to an end
I’d stare down the barrel
If I had a gun
Find the trigger with my finger
Pull it and be done
If I had a car
I’d park inside the garage
Leave the motor running
Till the poison filled my lungs
If I had a rope
I’d make myself a noose
Dangle there in my own doorway
Till somebody cut me loose
If I had someone to love
I'd probably treat them bad
Since that's all that I've known
In relationships of the past
If I had a heart in my chest
I'd be able to forgive and forget
But there is nothing left
Of that beating mass of flesh
So I'll just continue
Sitting all alone and in the dark
A typical evening in with the cat
Doesn't seem that bad after all.
Does everybody feel the same as I do?
Lost? Adrift? Disconnected? Confused?
Does anyone know how to ease the hurt of truth
For the accuser, as well as the accused?
I've heard there's bliss
Found somewhere in ignorance
For those who have been stripped
Of their already fleeting innocence
So I continue to move through this life
Practiced smile, that doesn't quite reach my eyes
Which instead reflect the emptiness
That fills me up inside
It hurts to feel so alone and uncertain
Consumed by doubt and fear
Eventually life becomes a burden
Damaged beyond all repair
The temptation to numb all sensation
It more powerful than one might believe
I'll sacrifice the pleasure, to relieve the devastation
As passion gives way to apathy
Say whatever you want
About those who dwell on the past
Go ahead and judge me from your moral soapbox
While you cower behind your mask
The opinions of most matter very little to me
It won't be taken to heart as you intend it to be
First you'd have to practice the words you preach
If you ever do then I promise I'll start listening
An orange little ball,
Tattered and torn to bits,
No longer does it fly straight,
Its course lost, its path in fits,
An orange little ball,
Sad within its cracks and in its creases,
Faded bumps, its lost its grip,
It now falls to pieces,
Orange little ball,
Come to death smiling,
Never live just to die,
Happiness lives in and amidst the crying,
Orange little ball,
Wipe the tears away,
There is peace to be found,
In and amongst the fray.
Of all the treasures one can own,
The greatest of these is love.
You're loved by me and many more
And by your God above.
Sometimes we must turn from ourselves
To fully understand
The loveliness surrounding us
As bounty from His hand.
Take heart my friend, you are needed
On this earth God has made.
Whether as sunflower in the sun
Or violet in the shade.
Each and everything has a place
In the greater scheme of things;
The mole burrowing under ground
Or eagle with his wings.
God loves you and is well aware.
He knows how deep your pain.
No matter how long the journey,
The road will turn again.
One day lasts twenty-four hours
And not one minute more.
Your ship is sailing with the tide
And soon you'll sight the shore.
The storms of sea will be behind
Despairs and fears all done.
Take heart my friend, we're here until
You new day has begun.
By: Joyce Johnson