It has been 9 months since your sudden disappearance.
That Hallowed night when your 5’11” nerd aura
Handed me my early birthday gift
A cold shoulder wrapped in a velvet bow
Made in Sri Lanka, sold exclusively at the Dollar Store
That was your appraised value.
But, today, revival’s whisper enters my gently waxed earlobes.
Candy coated revelations
For my allergic blood
“I said yes!”, as she flashed Cracker Jack ring
Filled with Monopoly dollar signs and “Go directly to Jail” Chance cards
I almost applauded, my hands sarcastically never connected
While my eyeballs rolled in epileptic banter
We scream in misguided nerd joy
As if we witnessed Monty Python & Darth Vader having a make-out session
Sudden urges to watch movies about Traveling Pants & Sisterhood
And PSing my I Love You
While we eat Dark Chocolate Klondike bars and Chipwich Ice Cream Cookies
My ovaries were bursting with INSANITY’S JOY!
But, WAIT, I quickly realized I didn’t have such parts!
It was then, reality crashed
As if Spider Man ran out of web during mid-air leap
My essence now halts at crossroads’ throat.
To my left, “celebration”
To my right, “other”
I chose to be a human this night.
Current time- 9:15pm
Current location- Reception Hall
A 5 course meal,
Including dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets
Smiley face French fries
And 3 glasses of Tang
Surrounded my space on the dinner table
Heavenly echoes of forks & glass,
Ringing in ignorant unison,
Give birth to Tinnitus in my drums
In their 9 months of togetherness,
They kiss with forcible ease,
Frogs refusing to show their true form
It is then, ignoring listless stares from guests,
I stood up holding my half-empty Tang glass
Which MIGHT have contained a smidge of Grey Goose
At the TOP of my LUNGS,
“Friend, I should be so proud of you. I would. I could.
You never responded to my open-hearted palm.
You left my vulnerabilities dangling at half-mast, as if I lost our final game of Hang Man.
But, TONIGHT, it is I & this delicious Dinosaur nugget that will HAVE a final say!
You are impeccably flawed, like I. But, I still wanted you to be a part of my tomorrows.
Yet, you turned me into a muted yesterday.
So, I will wish congratulations on your new slav…um, husband,
Pouring this glass of yummy Tang onto this stapled dance floor in a straight line
Each drop will be a symbol of how many tears he will shed, before that line is crossed.”
As silence slapped each other in its face
Across candle flame blanketed, marble dance hall,
With children pointing & laughing hysterically,
“Security” enters the room
As I hold hands with Cuban female rent-a-cop, her head warming my shoulder,
“Thank you for these 9 months. For now, I have given birth to a new me.
The Best Man that you will never hold again.”
©Drake J. Eszes
Disappearing: A List
• Leave for no destination in particular.
• Plastic surgery.
• Burn my wallet and shoes.
• Buy or steal an identity;
• Run into the forest,
wear a wolf’s skin,
look and smell
• Yield my being in
an intimate exchange,
to the thrall of
scotch or peyote or cocaine
or intense pleasure or pain.
• Be subsumed into the
collective mind of a cult
or the Secret Service
or the Carthusians
• Become young rather than old.
• Die, just because.
It’s just a list of possibilities.
Not a complete one at that.
This time never seem to come
but right from the beginning
it stood by the door
and never knocked.
Nearer it comes
but acting like a mirage
allowing me privileges,
and Life itself.
Is it the Joy
of having new friends and family?
Or drinking from the cup
of new acquaintances?
Is it the adventure
of a different environment?
And its ability to
create a new personality in me?
I'll surely miss them all
and all that took part
in making my completeness a reality.
I divide my heart into six portions
to my friends,
who are a bridge
to where I am today
and served as the paddle
for my sail to greatness.
to my instructors,
both great and small
who showed me the path
with less thorns and stones
and opened my eyes
to see beyond the hill.
to my 'dears'
who balanced my Life
and made my manly wholeness
to simple familiarities
who shared the fruit of life
from a distance
and protected our respect
like a new born child.
who trippled the magnitude of my consciousness
and are always down the cliff
when I'm about to fall.
Irrespective of their motive
have kept my reputation
as strong as the toughest compounds of carbon.
you make me stay in the right path
and refrained me
from crossing the thin line
between fantasy and reality.
Notwithstanding your contempt
my love for and to you remains
bountiful and pure.
Goodbyes are the hardest words
But your smiles
are in my genes,
your helping hands,
make up my memories.
And your love is what I see
when my eyes stay closed.
Though we say goodbyes now
I'll always carry you along
wherever I go.
In tears, I say..................
I MISS YOU SO DEARLY.
This morning when I woke up in an unfamiliar place, dark and empty.
There were no doors, no windows I was trapped.
No light, I could not see.
No air, I could not breathe.
I cried out for help, no one could hear me.
Alone and smothering as the rhythm of my heartbeat grew weak until there was no beat.
The glimpse of my soul once filled with vibrant life now fades away as dark as the place I find myself.
Wait this in not a room,
Wait this is not a place.
But, this is my world without you.
Dark, empty, alone and hurting.
I am alone in the dark
A shadow covers the beam that once lite up my life,
My heart is empty,
My dreams shattered,
This is my world without YOU!
YOU SLY DOG
I saw you standing there all alone.
I came over to see where you ready to move on.
You said you were just shooting the breeze.
I left without thinking that you probably were deceiving me.
You arrived home about ten.
You pull yours shoes off as you were kissing me.
Never did I expect that you had not been doing anything but what you said.
I told you to get you something to eat so that we could go to bed.
Morning came and nightfall and this behavior continued.
We would spend time together and talk.
Wednesdays were your night for personal space.
If I came across you, I found you always standing in the same place.
Today I found you out.
You are a sly dog and contrite.
You are a cheat.
I want you out of my life.
You sly dog.
You ain't lucky at all.
I am what you call a hopeless
But im also a lost lovers cause, my
heart belongs to another
Yet in my head a love triangle starts
to form, the girl I love doesn’t love
She holds the heart to another and
mine caged to the floor,
She isn’t afraid to fight for what she
wants, not even when it comes to
leaving another man torn
Trust me she’s happy, as that boy
holds her heart ever so close
Seeing what I shouldn’t I smile as I
wear my blind fold,
Blind to everything around, lifeless
staring into air
My train of thought running so fast,
the second I stop you’ll hear a crash
Derailing my hope, for ever finding a
love so pure & rare
Wishing I could hold the hand of the
lover who stole my flame,
Wish I could change the last days in
which we parted ways,
Realizing now that we can never be
Finally saying it out loud as tears run
down my face
You stole my happiness, as I walked
away that day
But it’s because as of what you said
I guessed I changed,
Now every relationship has just be
No one can seem to bring back that
Because a love likes ours comes
once in a lifetime
Well at least it does to me,
But I mean you’re happy with who
I mean I only wrote this as I heard
exchanging “I love you” flow from
each of your lips.
You said you got my back
But when i turn around i see no one
You promised to make me special
But am feeling so cheap,damn am on special
You thought you love me perhaps
But now am drinking a litre per-herbs
Shit felt like you stabbing my heart and now it disturbs
The blood flow now my heart is leaking
So i thought i should just write a poem
So ama transport the food myself cause iam my own tube phloem
Neglected my friends and family so it was only just us two
Even got your name on my skin in a form of a tattoo
Die for you? oh yes i would have done that too
Am gone now
Wont even turn back
I'm scared of wrong turns
You watched me as the sun-burns
My forehead,heavy stuff on my mind shit feels like i have four heads
I guess i slept like a log and i just woke up in the fire place
You expected me to fold myself in half like a brief-case
I was going to brief you about the case
But now i finally stood up
Hold myself together mybe am bio
Five fingers in the air including the palm,bye yooo
I still think why things had ended
between our love, which I now try to hate,
I succumbed myself into this despair
of wanting you back, which you also hate.
Psyche oneself that I can make it
this lonely battle of heart, can i fake it?
repeatedly in disarray thoughts
God I hope I could say it's just a hoax.
People around, will you please tell me
is it wrong to fight for this love I believe?
or shall I say is it right to surrender
because it's something merely perceived.
Ya, Ya, Ya, I did get it
don't insist no more, got it?..
Love can overwhelm so quickly
It can make you act silly
Only time spent will tell what is to be
I wanted love
That highest of human emotion
But a brother I was to you
Our friendship which I nurtured and grew so carefully
Scattered to the wind so quickly
It crumbled with a soul wrenching ferocity
That leaves my heart heavy
A heavy price for my greed I paid
I now brood in dark despair
Displaying my sorrow for all to see
The embarrassment of showing my hand
And the rejection of wanting more is too hard to bear
I want to fade away
And sleep for eternity
In the graveyard of actions
That brought nought but misery
I will always remember how I held you dear
I wanted more so I could always keep you near
It was more than anyone or you ever dared
I wish you well
My longed for
My forever I will yearn for friend
The seed that was planted
Gave life to a relationship
That matured too early
And is now no more
I wish for chances anew
But I know I will never want anything
But all of you
Always dear to me you will be
But I have no choice but
To set you and me free
From a friendship wrecked by me
over you am hurt too
this i can say
i love you anyway
hard to carry own
you did me wrong
my love can;t stop
my eyes or like
Limb of my domain
To sing of crying pain
Clouds fill the sky
My heart does fly
Wisps of cool wind
The ground full of sin
Let me leave my limb
Floating on air prim.
3/23/2014 JOE POEWHIT
Here I am thinking again about how our life should of been
But it's to late cause you are gone the love we shared can't go on
Wishing we had more time before the clocks started to wined
Time has stopped since you went away I really wished you could of stayed
You have moved on far away but my love for you has never changed
When I die someday soon we will meet again pass the moon
Far away in an unclouded sky we will never say goodbye
As I look back on our life I realize time was not on our side.....
Even without access to my heart you break it
The pain is unbelievable
You are unbearable
Tears I didn't know I had pour from me until I'm drained
And then over and over again
Until I can barely recognize myself
Who I am gets lost in what I'm feeling
I wonder how can I be good in my soul
And be made to feel so low and left to feel it alone
It's the price for not loving you authentically
Because I was a victim who could only pretend to love her predator in hopes to make him docile and plan for escape
I don't miss you when you go
I don't think of you
I don't desire
I don't fancy you
But still I cling to the hope of redemption
I look in your eyes and hope to find a learned lesson
A cushion to soften all the hard blows you landed
A tenderness found in the time that's passed for the state of life you left me in
You abandoned me
Unforgivably abandoned our kids
Still you look at the mess you've made and step over it
I see you I see hatred
Don't ask me to give You one more chance
You only want me at your convenience
Memories are painful
You'll never be able or willing to give me what I want
You'll make promises you can never promise you'll keep
Your offer of love is too late
And I know you mean what you say
However I've un-boarded this train
Packed up all my pain
Every day I take a step toward a brighter day
Just as the sunshine warms my skin
You're here again
Picking at wounds that have barely healed
Stealing the sun and force me into an emotional whirlwind
I will not board this train again
I take another step in the other direction
Learn how to breath through the pain all over again
One day at a time
One day I'll see the sun shine on me again?
Goodbye hey you!
In front the blade of fear
My words so weak to pass,
through my throat.
I am afraid they'll grant you stigma
If I didn't mention your names
I have no light
While the movements of your shades
Flowing from stone to another
You who in front of me
Had let me down
The luck, the mind and
the heart which was lost
I became! Afraid of dance,
Your voices are sharp and
Without my voice, my soul
Pours and drink the bitter in cup.
In my tears there are thorns,
Tingle my face and
There is no lap to calm.
Your hands are daggers
Your words hurt my lips.
Your faces fake and
My kisses become sour,
Bitter and sad
My lungs are lacking the air now,
Goodbye and au revoir
What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to say? All these lies you bottled up come sweeping, crashing with the tides. My footing's gone, the ocean real, but how am I supposed to feel? And here I am, a drowning mess, a loveless lie, I do protest. And here I am a drowning mess. So all those things you said to me? Where they just lies out of pity? So all those things you said to me? Or am I lost in salty waves? Yes I know my future's grave. Or am I lost in salty waves?And now the panic in my head, when I should be tucked up in your bed, reels and reels right here instead.I'm going down, a sinking ship, funny what name drips off my lips. It is not God, or Angles plenty, or even that I'm just damn ready To let go of the hell and the lies. I'm wishing for your gentle eyes. Or at least the way they always seemed, but perhaps that's just this salty dream. I have no clue what I'm to do! A drowning hopeless mess, for you-- think it's cute, and oh so funny, but here's the bitter truth now honey. I'm going down. There is no help. I can't be saved by God himself. I put my life, my whole world of trust, and you've thrown it away for lust. Well what the hell's a girl to do? I'm just so entranced by you!
milestones are marked by photographs
by notches on door casings that show just how grown up we are getting
by midnights spent on front porch stoops with people we only half know drinking mixtures that taste as awful as they should but let the words and movements come fast and steady knowing that it's the only time loose lips are the only things sinking ships
We were children growing up in the backseats of parents who rarely spoke to each other
the children who blossomed into the worst love poems we only pretended to read
As children we played games in the backseat
middle seat smash
guess which song
then, sometime during the middle of awkward slow dances with fresh braces and clothes our parents picked out we stopped getting up early in the morning
we stopped counting down the days until christmas
we started playing games in the backseat
feet tucked or feet spread
windows down or windows steamed
that time changed from clueless to reckless to clothesless lasts only the length of a song
the radio cuts out in some spots around French Hill but still plays Freshman by The Verve Pipe
as we close our eyes
breath fluttering like heartbeats
we were no longer children
not yet adults but we knew every line to every song we liked and we knew the most honest places we had and what happened when we held our breathe for too long during the bass line
It is unspoken
me in my rocking chair
and you -so calm and temperate
the same question every night
your answer belated
but it’s alright, I know you’ll be back.
I can’t force myself to be forthright
but this excruciating pain overtakes me
this malady I cannot escape
I let it be, for you always come back.
It is a sign of how far we’ve gone
when you are belied by my smile
and you don’t notice my crestfallen glance
I focus on swallowing, and avert my eyes.
When you return,
you’d kiss my check
murmur your apology
give a specious reason
turn away, and head to bed alone
your muscles are taut when you say goodbye
I nod, and note the time.
“be safe,” I whisper, voice dry and small.
I wait for you to leave, then wait for you to return.
but you didn’t. Not that night. Nor the next.
Never allowing any thoughts to
gestate in my mind,
You wouldn’t leave.
Even if I had become different.
I could weather through this.
but I didn’t.
I remained there, waiting, like always.
slowly wasting away
and I closed my eyes for a moment
shutting the vision of the trash can out
the one with blood stained tissues.
July 9th, 2015
you were there the day I was born
you sewed my clothes and spanked me when I needed it
I wasn' t ready but you said it's ok your only a phone call away
so I moved away thinking it would be ok
then I got the call that you past away
I'm mad as he++
that much you can tell
I want to ask why you didn't say goodbye
was it because you didn't want me to cry
I'm going home but you will be gone
I think you went on
to make a home with a room just for me
you know it wouldn't be long before I come along
I didn't know I had brain cancer at the time you left me
I sit here and cry and hope it will not be long before I can come home
and join you again in heaven and sit by the fire then I know that is where I belong
Poet: Ken Jordan
Poem: It's Over
Edited by: Sparkle Jordan
to be (?)
someone else -
together again (?)
Call the lost cause, call out the Guard, because I'll say drowning is hard. You realize that you're all alone, to view pearly or fiery thrones. And when it hits, your mind's been blown. There's nothing you can do for me. I'm at the mercy of the sea. A kinder mistress than your she. Nothing's real! Nothing's fake! We don't realize the choices we make Come back to us in the oddest way. Such as where I am today. With what I found, could I stay there? And play pretend like there's no care? Of course I could, of course I would, if it meant I'd have you like I should. But there you go, I see you now, walking the beach holding your cow. But wait... the cow, not she, is me! So who am I supposed to be!? Am I the wife, or mistress here? All I feel is rising fear. Her wedding ring.. glowing so clear. The sea has given me her mercy. I have but yet one final plea. Give to her what you'd give to me. One of us should be happy. The surface breaks and here I go. I thrash, but halt. It's cold as snow. Now comes the part that we all know. The Guard has come, the day's been saved. But of those glimpses was I crazed? And where's the man who I so craved? Well, give him freedom, and give him much, but never lose your lady's touch. His love for you will grow to such Great amount's he'll never go, and leave you here to drown like so. Was it a dream? I'll never know. Ah look, it's Death In form Of crows...
Fishing was a joy
A way to let time float by
Every weekend with his St. Croix in hand
He would take a leisurely walk to the lake
And as he did for over fifty years
It was always the act
Not the catch
That was his way of letting the world
Fade magically away
Still… these last several years
The lake had been quiet and still
And try as he did
All the fish seemed to be… gone
There were times as a boy
When bite by bite
The crowded lake, filled with fish
Would grab the hook
Until forced to stop by the weight of the load
He would lie on the cool green grass
And enjoy the summer sun
But those were the days of youth and fish
When the earth was still warmed by the sun
We’ve taken so much and given back less
Those days are long since gone
Screaming in my head not able to hear nothing else.
the screaming is Me saying come back so I can say goodbye.
but the screaming goes unnoticed due to only me hearing them.
I wish I could have you one last time to say one last goodbye.
Before you go but your already gone, never even got to say goodbye.
Maybe one day soon I will get to say goodbye and hello, as I will be dead
to with no regrets.
the screaming in my head goes silent as I finally get to say goodbye forevevr.
the screaming in my head is because I never got to say goodbye.
PREFACE TO A JAMAICA FAREWELL
When I’m gone
remember me in tamarind season
reflecting the bitter
sweet of life we shared
to the ambers
and blues of Caribbean skies
Listen to the thunder
and hear my soul
In the searching winds of time
look for me in the ebb and flow
of the tides:
Frothing the shores
with salted memories.
I say goodbye a lot—not in an “I’ll see you later” or “until next time” sort of way—but in a “goodbye for good” and “never speak to you again” sort of way. I’ve always been all right with it, accepted it, and embraced it, even. You know, people come and go; they serve their purpose and even though sometimes it’s worth it, they go away. I’m guilty of it myself. Just leave. Get out. Go. Don’t stay. I’ve said goodbye so many times to so many people in so many ways, but you posed a problem that my brain, mind, soul, body can’t escape. I just want to be back inside your arms, your bed, your life, your heart, you. Instead, I ran off, 9 thousand miles away to wake up as you go to bed, to play in a giant sandbox. I do not want to stay here; June cannot come quickly enough. March, April, May—three more months of this living in your tomorrow, you in my yesterday. I miss you. I fear you. I long for you with intensity as deep, as overwhelming, as powerful and dominating as the sky’s infinity. I love you. I want you. I yearn for you in every single way; the tears I’ve bled for you are insurmountable. I wish for Home; I wish for the West. Even greater than my desperation for friends, family, familiar faces, familiar places, is my ache to have you near; if wishes were horses, and if horses had wings, I’d have one to take me there.