It has been 9 months since your sudden disappearance.
That Hallowed night when your 5’11” nerd aura
Handed me my early birthday gift
A cold shoulder wrapped in a velvet bow
Made in Sri Lanka, sold exclusively at the Dollar Store
That was your appraised value.
But, today, revival’s whisper enters my gently waxed earlobes.
Candy coated revelations
For my allergic blood
“I said yes!”, as she flashed Cracker Jack ring
Filled with Monopoly dollar signs and “Go directly to Jail” Chance cards
I almost applauded, my hands sarcastically never connected
While my eyeballs rolled in epileptic banter
We scream in misguided nerd joy
As if we witnessed Monty Python & Darth Vader having a make-out session
Sudden urges to watch movies about Traveling Pants & Sisterhood
And PSing my I Love You
While we eat Dark Chocolate Klondike bars and Chipwich Ice Cream Cookies
My ovaries were bursting with INSANITY’S JOY!
But, WAIT, I quickly realized I didn’t have such parts!
It was then, reality crashed
As if Spider Man ran out of web during mid-air leap
My essence now halts at crossroads’ throat.
To my left, “celebration”
To my right, “other”
I chose to be a human this night.
Current time- 9:15pm
Current location- Reception Hall
A 5 course meal,
Including dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets
Smiley face French fries
And 3 glasses of Tang
Surrounded my space on the dinner table
Heavenly echoes of forks & glass,
Ringing in ignorant unison,
Give birth to Tinnitus in my drums
In their 9 months of togetherness,
They kiss with forcible ease,
Frogs refusing to show their true form
It is then, ignoring listless stares from guests,
I stood up holding my half-empty Tang glass
Which MIGHT have contained a smidge of Grey Goose
At the TOP of my LUNGS,
“Friend, I should be so proud of you. I would. I could.
You never responded to my open-hearted palm.
You left my vulnerabilities dangling at half-mast, as if I lost our final game of Hang Man.
But, TONIGHT, it is I & this delicious Dinosaur nugget that will HAVE a final say!
You are impeccably flawed, like I. But, I still wanted you to be a part of my tomorrows.
Yet, you turned me into a muted yesterday.
So, I will wish congratulations on your new slav…um, husband,
Pouring this glass of yummy Tang onto this stapled dance floor in a straight line
Each drop will be a symbol of how many tears he will shed, before that line is crossed.”
As silence slapped each other in its face
Across candle flame blanketed, marble dance hall,
With children pointing & laughing hysterically,
“Security” enters the room
As I hold hands with Cuban female rent-a-cop, her head warming my shoulder,
“Thank you for these 9 months. For now, I have given birth to a new me.
The Best Man that you will never hold again.”
©Drake J. Eszes
Disappearing: A List
• Leave for no destination in particular.
• Plastic surgery.
• Burn my wallet and shoes.
• Buy or steal an identity;
• Run into the forest,
wear a wolf’s skin,
look and smell
• Yield my being in
an intimate exchange,
to the thrall of
scotch or peyote or cocaine
or intense pleasure or pain.
• Be subsumed into the
collective mind of a cult
or the Secret Service
or the Carthusians
• Become young rather than old.
• Die, just because.
It’s just a list of possibilities.
Not a complete one at that.
This time never seem to come
but right from the beginning
it stood by the door
and never knocked.
Nearer it comes
but acting like a mirage
allowing me privileges,
and Life itself.
Is it the Joy
of having new friends and family?
Or drinking from the cup
of new acquaintances?
Is it the adventure
of a different environment?
And its ability to
create a new personality in me?
I'll surely miss them all
and all that took part
in making my completeness a reality.
I divide my heart into six portions
to my friends,
who are a bridge
to where I am today
and served as the paddle
for my sail to greatness.
to my instructors,
both great and small
who showed me the path
with less thorns and stones
and opened my eyes
to see beyond the hill.
to my 'dears'
who balanced my Life
and made my manly wholeness
to simple familiarities
who shared the fruit of life
from a distance
and protected our respect
like a new born child.
who trippled the magnitude of my consciousness
and are always down the cliff
when I'm about to fall.
Irrespective of their motive
have kept my reputation
as strong as the toughest compounds of carbon.
you make me stay in the right path
and refrained me
from crossing the thin line
between fantasy and reality.
Notwithstanding your contempt
my love for and to you remains
bountiful and pure.
Goodbyes are the hardest words
But your smiles
are in my genes,
your helping hands,
make up my memories.
And your love is what I see
when my eyes stay closed.
Though we say goodbyes now
I'll always carry you along
wherever I go.
In tears, I say..................
I MISS YOU SO DEARLY.
This morning when I woke up in an unfamiliar place, dark and empty.
There were no doors, no windows I was trapped.
No light, I could not see.
No air, I could not breathe.
I cried out for help, no one could hear me.
Alone and smothering as the rhythm of my heartbeat grew weak until there was no beat.
The glimpse of my soul once filled with vibrant life now fades away as dark as the place I find myself.
Wait this in not a room,
Wait this is not a place.
But, this is my world without you.
Dark, empty, alone and hurting.
I am alone in the dark
A shadow covers the beam that once lite up my life,
My heart is empty,
My dreams shattered,
This is my world without YOU!
YOU SLY DOG
I saw you standing there all alone.
I came over to see where you ready to move on.
You said you were just shooting the breeze.
I left without thinking that you probably were deceiving me.
You arrived home about ten.
You pull yours shoes off as you were kissing me.
Never did I expect that you had not been doing anything but what you said.
I told you to get you something to eat so that we could go to bed.
Morning came and nightfall and this behavior continued.
We would spend time together and talk.
Wednesdays were your night for personal space.
If I came across you, I found you always standing in the same place.
Today I found you out.
You are a sly dog and contrite.
You are a cheat.
I want you out of my life.
You sly dog.
You ain't lucky at all.
I am what you call a hopeless
But im also a lost lovers cause, my
heart belongs to another
Yet in my head a love triangle starts
to form, the girl I love doesn’t love
She holds the heart to another and
mine caged to the floor,
She isn’t afraid to fight for what she
wants, not even when it comes to
leaving another man torn
Trust me she’s happy, as that boy
holds her heart ever so close
Seeing what I shouldn’t I smile as I
wear my blind fold,
Blind to everything around, lifeless
staring into air
My train of thought running so fast,
the second I stop you’ll hear a crash
Derailing my hope, for ever finding a
love so pure & rare
Wishing I could hold the hand of the
lover who stole my flame,
Wish I could change the last days in
which we parted ways,
Realizing now that we can never be
Finally saying it out loud as tears run
down my face
You stole my happiness, as I walked
away that day
But it’s because as of what you said
I guessed I changed,
Now every relationship has just be
No one can seem to bring back that
Because a love likes ours comes
once in a lifetime
Well at least it does to me,
But I mean you’re happy with who
I mean I only wrote this as I heard
exchanging “I love you” flow from
each of your lips.
Limb of my domain
To sing of crying pain
Clouds fill the sky
My heart does fly
Wisps of cool wind
The ground full of sin
Let me leave my limb
Floating on air prim.
3/23/2014 JOE POEWHIT
over you am hurt too
this i can say
i love you anyway
hard to carry own
you did me wrong
my love can;t stop
my eyes or like
Here I am thinking again about how our life should of been
But it's to late cause you are gone the love we shared can't go on
Wishing we had more time before the clocks started to wined
Time has stopped since you went away I really wished you could of stayed
You have moved on far away but my love for you has never changed
When I die someday soon we will meet again pass the moon
Far away in an unclouded sky we will never say goodbye
As I look back on our life I realize time was not on our side.....
What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to say? All these lies you bottled up come sweeping, crashing with the tides. My footing's gone, the ocean real, but how am I supposed to feel? And here I am, a drowning mess, a loveless lie, I do protest. And here I am a drowning mess. So all those things you said to me? Where they just lies out of pity? So all those things you said to me? Or am I lost in salty waves? Yes I know my future's grave. Or am I lost in salty waves?And now the panic in my head, when I should be tucked up in your bed, reels and reels right here instead.I'm going down, a sinking ship, funny what name drips off my lips. It is not God, or Angles plenty, or even that I'm just damn ready To let go of the hell and the lies. I'm wishing for your gentle eyes. Or at least the way they always seemed, but perhaps that's just this salty dream. I have no clue what I'm to do! A drowning hopeless mess, for you-- think it's cute, and oh so funny, but here's the bitter truth now honey. I'm going down. There is no help. I can't be saved by God himself. I put my life, my whole world of trust, and you've thrown it away for lust. Well what the hell's a girl to do? I'm just so entranced by you!
Screaming in my head not able to hear nothing else.
the screaming is Me saying come back so I can say goodbye.
but the screaming goes unnoticed due to only me hearing them.
I wish I could have you one last time to say one last goodbye.
Before you go but your already gone, never even got to say goodbye.
Maybe one day soon I will get to say goodbye and hello, as I will be dead
to with no regrets.
the screaming in my head goes silent as I finally get to say goodbye forevevr.
the screaming in my head is because I never got to say goodbye.
Call the lost cause, call out the Guard, because I'll say drowning is hard. You realize that you're all alone, to view pearly or fiery thrones. And when it hits, your mind's been blown. There's nothing you can do for me. I'm at the mercy of the sea. A kinder mistress than your she. Nothing's real! Nothing's fake! We don't realize the choices we make Come back to us in the oddest way. Such as where I am today. With what I found, could I stay there? And play pretend like there's no care? Of course I could, of course I would, if it meant I'd have you like I should. But there you go, I see you now, walking the beach holding your cow. But wait... the cow, not she, is me! So who am I supposed to be!? Am I the wife, or mistress here? All I feel is rising fear. Her wedding ring.. glowing so clear. The sea has given me her mercy. I have but yet one final plea. Give to her what you'd give to me. One of us should be happy. The surface breaks and here I go. I thrash, but halt. It's cold as snow. Now comes the part that we all know. The Guard has come, the day's been saved. But of those glimpses was I crazed? And where's the man who I so craved? Well, give him freedom, and give him much, but never lose your lady's touch. His love for you will grow to such Great amount's he'll never go, and leave you here to drown like so. Was it a dream? I'll never know. Ah look, it's Death In form Of crows...
I say goodbye a lot—not in an “I’ll see you later” or “until next time” sort of way—but in a “goodbye for good” and “never speak to you again” sort of way. I’ve always been all right with it, accepted it, and embraced it, even. You know, people come and go; they serve their purpose and even though sometimes it’s worth it, they go away. I’m guilty of it myself. Just leave. Get out. Go. Don’t stay. I’ve said goodbye so many times to so many people in so many ways, but you posed a problem that my brain, mind, soul, body can’t escape. I just want to be back inside your arms, your bed, your life, your heart, you. Instead, I ran off, 9 thousand miles away to wake up as you go to bed, to play in a giant sandbox. I do not want to stay here; June cannot come quickly enough. March, April, May—three more months of this living in your tomorrow, you in my yesterday. I miss you. I fear you. I long for you with intensity as deep, as overwhelming, as powerful and dominating as the sky’s infinity. I love you. I want you. I yearn for you in every single way; the tears I’ve bled for you are insurmountable. I wish for Home; I wish for the West. Even greater than my desperation for friends, family, familiar faces, familiar places, is my ache to have you near; if wishes were horses, and if horses had wings, I’d have one to take me there.