"THERE HE WAS HOLDING HIS HAND OUT"
God, can I hold your hand and follow you?
My child, it is I who will walk with you! You walked down my path with and without faith. You took my protection to ease your pain. My shielded wings comfort you during your moments of suffering while your life staggered across earth. Your love and devotion are what made you strong. Every time your dreams were broken. You managed to build more dreams in their place. You called my name during your happiest and saddest moments. You ran to me when you fell behind. Your secrets became our private talks. The key to your heart was always unlocked. I was there during your trials and troubles and tribulations. We could not speak, it was my light that kept you from going weak.
God, are you a dream of beauty? The holy book.
My preacher spoke of the afterlife, calling it paradise.
I remember now, I felt this company once before, this light.
Many times, I forsake the light and still you never left my door.
I felt it on the day I was born,
the day I became baptized in your holy name.
I felt this light before, can you explain it once more?
Lord pleases clarify the day I fell down to my knees, accepted Jesus as my savior?
On that day, I felt as if you stood away and walked on by, allowing me to face my failures’.
Was my life a waste in this impossible world?"
My child, this is the everlasting light you will feel every time your body is re-born onto a new road. This light never left you.
My sweet child did you not listen,
Matthew *19:26* MY SON looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with ME all things are possible.
My child, you were not searching for the right answers.
My Lord everyone told me if I prayed you would come. Did I not pray enough?
My child sometimes your heart asked for more than life itself,
I always answered even when you shunned heaven away from your eyes?
The obvious question is whether this is the final immersing of your soul's disguises.
Lord, I have other questions to ask.
What should I expect out of my personal sins?
My testimonial sits in the palm of your hand
My mind and my heart's inner core have been wicked since my adolescence--
How is it that I am in your promise land?
Getting right with me has brought you here!
One more question My Heavenly Father
Can I see My Daughter, Mothers, Sisters, family, and friends?
I saw how martyrs longed for love, and so began the play of my flitting heart
A strange girl had I become, with airs of fickle dream,
My heart an embodiment of wonder to all that dared to behold it
Closing my eyes, I would find myself knowing something new would shine my way
Had I known what was coming, the dawn would seem far less appealing...
As all journeys begin, a darkness began to veer its head
The plot of reality melted in dissonant chords...
Dark blue fogs of doubt caked my mind and heart
Though the longing for love never left...
And had it left, no dawn would await me
I saw there were rules setting a foundation for my intensely embarked mark
I knew if I were to feel any twinge of fire,
I must first be rid of the fog...or at the very least find my way through it
How it stung as it hit my virgin skin, not like gentle clouds talking me through it,
Caressing, surrounding and seducing. . .
No, like a poison, the bleak thickness of the doubt choking me
Reducing me to child's tears...I toiled through its torments,
I rested upon rough rocks of rhetorics
Admiring their vitality and honesty...
At one point in time I had convinced myself that I was one of them
A rock- cold, rough... hardened and overlooked...destined to crumble
Though more demands surfaced on this quest for love's Justice
Weakened by the blue fogs blackening,
I cried out in the pit of my heart, surrendering before me
Words...kept so long inside...
I freed them from the strongholds of my darkest nights
And soon there was a deep, hypnotizing reply...
Justice, tall and proud, said from above the sinking pit,
"True, I have seen you before,
A token of adoration you have become,
Crying night after night in melodious black,
With little to take, and everything to give...
My demands are simple, as your longing is profound,
You, yes, you! Take my hand so I may hold you tightly..."
My mouth agape, I stretched out my hand to meet the vines of his fingers
Clutching in sparks, he breathed into me life... and promise of love
"Surrender your heart to the hope of love
When you find you are not alone, as none of you are,
When you praise with your singsong words that passion has altered,
Giving all to a soul you have yet to see,
You shall feel my hand lift you as I do now...
Soon once more, you shall learn- the dawn will always be dawn
And the night will always be your velvet pathway to Beyond."
This, Justice proclaimed in the voice of a thousand cries of birth
The overtones spilling out in rainbows of rapture
It was soon after his visit, I knew I must perform...
Surrender, faith, and action Three keys to the same door...
And they, golden and alight, were in my hands to use
The time came when my heart grew roses, thorns and all
And hearts smashed their way through, though I cherished the burn...
Fogs still lingered in the alleyway of fear
And now I knew not to inch my way near
For the punishment he had whispered like darts in my ear,
"If you, now seeing the truth, dismember your heart,
I will crush your petals into black abyss,
I will reduce you to dust, leaving the thorns,
I am animal in the face of failure,
My tolerance for hate is shorter than an ant beholding a mountain
And if you so much as reject my call,
Hate is exactly what I will allow,
And it will destroy you, oh singing heart..."
This I ask of Justice, on the day of my calling, and yet still today... -
"Tell me, oh spirit,
Phantom of Epiphany,
When the love I so long for locks tightly upon me,
Shall it be as I dreamed,
Or shall I be wholly disappointed,
Left in the agony of reality,
Where roses grow, thorns and all...
Only to wither...and die...
He was so gentle...that he merely smiled and left me...
It was right away, soon after his departure,
That I felt he never would fully leave...
He allowed me to weave my own dreams,
Finding out for myself if reality was truly as magical as they write
And as for an answer, as dull as this may sound... it is...
I, like many tearful martyrs before me,
Continue to long for a love that will fulfill me
Often reality teases me, and I know not if she is demon or angel
Though one day, I will see reality is on my side, ugly or not
The play of my flitting heart still beating its rhythmic drums
The rainbows of overtones lulling me into ecstasy,
As I see words of wisdom thriving in the hands that save
This, though little, I know-
Love is justice of reward beyond our wildest dreams
He sings to us every night, never making promises...
He just smiles and allows us to live it
He allows us to discover, and in turn give...
To enlighten others still trapped in the ruts of fog
Once we feel it, there is no turning back
Please do not let him crush those roses you have made...
Even their foundations were meant to reach the skies
Touching the brightest dawn...and Beyond..
-For Justin Bordner's "Love Justice" Contest
Love you loads, and thank you immensely for inspiring me!
JE SUIS CHARLIE — Afterthought
The shock of this most frightening tragedy is practically beyond
the pale of any reasonable or adequate attempt or effort to explain
it or to rationalize the horrible circumstances surrounding it.
Let me just say that all of us who are writers and poets ply our
poetry, “our intellectual wares,” if you will, in a common written
medium that expects the same unrestricted level of freedom of
speech and expression exercised by those extraordinarily brave
artists at “Charlie Hebdo” who were recently murdered in cold
blood by self-styled Islamic extremists in Paris.
It is also equally saddening and deplorable that some courageous
police officers died in the line of duty defending these freedoms
as well as some other security people and hostages caught up in
the midst of these most terrifying circumstances.
The heinous actions perpetrated by these armed extremists
destroyed innocent lives and affected the lives of a number of
loved ones whose burden of sadness and tragedy is unimaginable.
Their actions also were an attempt to strike at the very heart of
those sacred freedoms that all of us who live in open societies and
democracies cherish as part of our everyday lives. The armed
extremists, by their actions, also personified and demonstrated an
obvious affectation for barbarity, stupidity, ignorance, and cowardice
that were all on ample display as a result of what they did.
Freedom of speech and expression are among those certain
historic inalienable rights given to all of us by the divine hand of
God himself, and certainly not by the generosity of any government
or religious group (regardless of faith). The brave souls who died
at Charlie Hebdo, died exercising this most sacred franchise.
The point I’m driving at is this: Those extremists who committed
these most reprehensible actions of recent against their fellow man
did not win in spite of their collective efforts to destroy lives and to
sully these precious freedoms that all of us as writers and artists
hold so very dear.
The outpouring of emotion and sadness in support of these slain
heroes in the face of this most despicable crime is quite compelling,
and underlies the continuing determination of all of us who love
and cherish the freedoms of speech and expression to continue to
speak out and to exercise these sacred rights without reservation.
With all of this in mind, I humbly and proudly conclude my narrative
to all of you here by saying and echoing as loudly as possible:
“Je Suis Charlie” . . . “I am Charlie.”
Gary Bateman, Copyright © All Rights Reserved (January 10, 2015)
CITADEL AND CONSTELLATIONS
The green leaves in rugged moans;
The tall bushes in rumbling groans;
The roofs train creaks-- their fugue
blow cobwebs hugging branches below,
such are precursors inviting darkness lair
for stormy clouds before crowd the days.
Yellow horizon seem unreachable honey
as in my life's ocean, balloon billows I bear.
I-- surged in every swell to skirt yet still
lashing waves dashed pushing me sometimes to despair.
Again, cataclysm walk unheralded casting loose
my arms lift upon the glimmer of silver lining from afar
somber shadows enshrouded me in a mist of struggles.
Ounce of strength I have, I try to juggle and juggle
yet, curses fell from hearts and lips parched of love.
All these came, one and all --
the flowing light has flickered flash and gone
but beyond all these you stood -- my sentinel...
You hushed the bad constellations hanging 'round my world
like a lighthouse guiding a lost ship to his home.
Yes! You are my beacon, a promontory amidst
cyclic onslaught brambles and chameleons,
a rock to cling in the wind's creeping fury,
Staunch and firm, my ñhero fighting the torrential
cascade of tirades and reproaches: MY CITADEL. . .
***Sponsor Shadow Hamilton
Contest Name Your Favourite Old Poem #2
***Sponsor Justin Bordner
Contest Name How You Make The Stars Hush
06:37 pm, February 24, 2015
I can’t sing
I mean I can’t sing
I’ll leave the singing to Walt.
But I assume, as he assumes, as you assume, as all assume,
I love like you, love like him, love like the Lord above,
What is there? Singing? Why can’t I sing too?
Every cell and feeling that exudes from me,
Leaves an impression that I’m proud for all to see.
Every smile and gesture makes me a man,
It doesn’t always fit into my plan,
But I think the trepidation is waning,
The insecurity finally is straining.
All this time I’ve wanted to sing,
But it’s always been my failing.
I can’t sing
I mean I can’t sing
No that’s not true.
Something is different.
I no longer assume, I assure.
I don’t wander, I wonder.
I can’t fear, I fight.
I don’t love, I love YOU.
I haven’t sung because of others.
But these others are sisters and brothers.
Sometimes my voice might crack,
The beauty I may lack.
But YOU have opened my mind,
All this time I’ve been behind.
YOU have opened my eyes.
I’ve seen the pretty skies.
YOU have opened my heart,
And I’m ready to start.
YOU have opened my lung,
And I’ll be heard, and sung.
I'm looking for some inspiration
Can you direct me to the Inspiration Store?
Heard they've got some real good bargains
Great ideas never used before!
I don't often need to avail myself
Of this vital and humanitarian service
Been quite prolific in the last few years
But now I'm feeling a wee bit nervous!
It's five minutes before the midnight bell
I've come up dry all the day long
Utter panic has grabbed hold of my brain
Thinking suicide would be wrong!
There's other things besides poetry I'm told
On this great big happy balloon
But none so addictive as rhyming and rhythm
It turns people into silly buffoons!
The Inspiration Store has saved many people
From utter and overwhelming despair
So I guess I'll do a search on Google Maps
Before I totally lose all my hair!
© Jack Ellison 2014
November 19, 2001
Dear Doc and Doris,
It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen you. I believe it was some years ago at the Sims reunion. That was several years before we moved here to Florida after my retirement.
I talk to Dorothy and W. D. fairly often and got your address from them a couple of months ago. I also have a recent picture of you that was taken at Mike’s funeral in Marlow.
I suppose it was something about that picture that caused me to begin reflecting on when I was a kid in Cameron many years ago. We lived down below the railroad tracks there just south of the jailhouse. I was just a kid 6 or 7 years old. Then later we moved to Houston where Dorothy and Daddy went to work in the shipyard. I remember during those years thinking often of my cousin Carl Sims and his brother Melton Sims who were far away fighting the war against the Germans in Europe. I still have pictures of you somewhere showing you in your uniform. Doc, I remember how proud I was to tell everyone about my cousins in the army and how I wanted to grow up and be a soldier and fight the Germans.
In the last couple of years those memories have been revisited with the release of the movies “Saving Private Ryan” and even more recently, “Band of Brothers.” Having never experienced the horrors of war, I look upon these two movies as the most realistic presentation of wartime action ever made. Even at that, I’m sure they haven’t portrayed what it was really like.
Doc, I write you now having much more hindsight than when I was an impressionable kid. But the years have not robbed me of the pride I have in calling you my hero. I think of those years when I was but a child and you, a young soldier. I remember how excited I was to hear any news about my cousins in the army. And I remember the sadness in hearing of Melton being killed in action.
Though time has painted a different picture for each of us, those things that linger in our memory can still be seen through the eyes of a child and a young soldier. I look at that recent picture of you and still see my hero. I see a young soldier in uniform and feel the same pride well up inside a young kid in Cameron.
Doc, I wanted you to know these things. I could have kept them hidden inside my heart and never told anyone. But, they are mine to do with as I please. And I choose to send them to you and Doris with the love I have for you. As Christians, we know that the love we are sharing in Jesus Christ will be eternal. I believe the respect and admiration I hold you in for what you did will also last forever.
Maybe we will get back to Texas one of these days. If so, I hope to have the time to come by Mexia and see you. If not, who knows, someday a kid may tug on the sleeve of a young soldier. The young soldier might turn to find a freckle-faced kid, joyful in the presence of his hero.
Doc, if not before, I’ll see you in Glory. I send you respect and most of all, love.
With eternal admiration,
A new path is what we seek.
The surroundings are taking a peek,
Going through, very meek,
Seeing no bleaks,
While hearing creaks,
In the new paths that we seek...
The new path is what is found,
Going through forests bound,
Going through the path inbound,
With soothing and raging water sounds.
Passed through burial grounds...
Seeking for another way around,
The paths newfounded,
Our instincts compounded,
Followed by the hounds,
Echoes in ultrasounds,
Passed through mysterious breeding grounds...
Going to stamping grounds,
Trying to get off this ground,
With those burial mounds,
Death moving the wheels around,
Silhouettes running aground,
Trying to leave safe and sound,
Passing through some hunting grounds...
Seeking for common grounds,
The mistaken path redounded,
Regretful screams abound.
Though some are fouled,
Throughout the paths that were found...
However, most are lost and wounded,
Most tended to walk out,
Some minds and hearts full of doubts.
Hearing salvation shouts,
From all these new paths walked and found...
You do not stand alone in your Battle
Your battle is our Battle
We may not be there in body
But we are there with you in Spirit
We are there in every beat of your Heart
In every whisper of the wind
In every thought and every touch
Every breath and every sound
We are there with you
You are wrapped in an Endless chain of Love
In every link we each send you a part of us
We send you some of our Strength
Some of our will to Fight
Some of our Courage
The most important of them all
We send you all of our Love
If you feel you need more
Just give that Endless chain a little tug
And we'll be there
Tug til you need us no more
Then we'll know you've gone Home
5/09/2014 Dedicated to my Aunt Nini, Wilma Thomas Gamble for Mother's Day. Sadly she lost her Battle w/ Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer on 5/30/2014.
I do not know?
Hope is something that is wished for
Hope something that we want
when we feel like our prayers
aren't being answered
Hope gives us joy for the future
A time when better things await
Hope is a miracle
Something not from this world
and I know what you're thinking if
hope is all of these things
how can one obtain it
and the answer is simple
it's embedded in all of us
but to be more precise
Hope is found at the heart
I do not know?
We are people of color
beautiful of color
but we are viewed as athletes
eventhough we have one of us
in the white house we are still
viewed as such
we were once kings and queens
but was stolen from our land
and our land was robbed of everything
we were oppressed and forced into a way of life
that we didn't want
our women was raped and viewed as
sexual objects instead of people
our men was labors and when they
could no longer perform they were tossed
aside left to fend for themselves and when
we finally had our freedom our problems
continued we viewed as second-rate inferior
to the other race, we weren't
given any opportunities and when it came
to school it was horrible
just another thing we had to endure
like segregation we couldn't use the
same restrooms or sit next to them but
the sad thing about it was that it was viewed as constitutional
"Separate but Equal" was what they were calling it
but when the nation was under attack who did
they turn too they turned too us for help
but we were still treated unfair but there were some
bright moments for us during that era
Jack Robinson opened the door for us to play sports
Dr. Martin Luther King
fought for our equality along with others that are not
mentioned in this poem that's why I
am grateful for all of the opportunities that I have today
I am grateful to go to school and
sit anywhere I want to
I am grateful for all the people of color who gave it there all
and sacrificed everything they had so that we could
have this chance to do what they could not do
I love my people of color
beautiful of color and
just to let you know
I'm not a racist just someone
giving you the history of our people
the people of color
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some pails of water
Jack climbed some trees while Jill was picking some pretty flowers
After some hours Jack realized that he was wasting time
So he called Jill to hurry up before ‘tis half past nine
So off they went to continue their very long journey
‘Till they passed by an old beggar and gave him some money
When they both reached the well Jack and Jill filled up their buckets
Near the well were some berries which they put in their pockets
When they reached home their momma and papa were so happy
For dinner they had meatballs and soup and chicken curry
And five bags of bananas which a rich neighbor gave them
The good that you do to others will always be returned
RENEWED BY GOD'S SPIRIT
Falling, falling are the salty drops from my eyes.
Crying, crying is my broken bruised buckled heart
so long oh so long, I am within a cell of loneliness
that windows and doors I kept on guarded walls--
strangers who passed by on microscopic study...
My glass of trust cracked to pieces
that I don't know how and when will it be whole again...
Disturbed nights caused my eyes a free make-up of black shadows
yet, one night, as I have no one left to talk to
You may say crazy, but what I did is just to have a solid storm of cries
together with my laptop, it's where I tip tap everything;
that flooding pains and hurts rooted deep down
that well of frustrations, unmet wants and needs raining along
that crippling fear of uncertainty
one by one, my every tap seems a spiral step of explosion.
My shoulders droop, my body assuming a fetal pose
then again I shudder--- tears running fast inevitable.
Some sounds vibrate free from my drying throat
I want to halt them but am too weak, weak but still, they came through
volts of perspiration duet to my sobs and murmurs
then finally, I came to my senses, I hold my hands close to my heart
and I began to speak at first syllables to my God...
I opened my heart to Him, my mountain to mountain jars of sadness
I lift it all to Him... I confessed to Him like a child
baring everything as I fall to my knees and bow my head.
And in that deafening silence of cold November last year,
there is the hush of warm breeze engulfing my being
it did comfort me; suppress slowly my sobs and cries
stirring my senses; firing my faith and spirit
and so that fleet of darkness that touched my being.
6:29 PM, December 08, 2014
Sponsor Shadow Hamilton
Contest Name Fighting Depression(poems for PD)
It was once a good and honest worker calculation area.
His life was encode the world on your back in the form of numbers and proportions of these.
When he saw the sun, looking for the angle to calculate its axis,
when he saw another human being quantified his features,
gestures and inferred about their possible reactions.
Poor man, he did not see the horizon as a screen display of Monet,
who did not see the other as an extension of divine knowledge.
So is the mason, electrician, psychologist, engineer,
administrator, businessman, politician, ...
men who are good at what they do, but each in view of the world that surrounds it.
Because it is simpler to be one ... than having multiple views of the same mind.
A young shepherd living near the hill,
taking his flocks everyday to drumlin.
He wonders deeply while sitting upon the rocks,
looking at afar house while feeding his flocks.
The shepherd's desire is fantasy of afar home,
that has golden windows behind hedge of anemone.
He wonders if the windows of the house are gold
how other appurtenance of the house are mould?
He starts his journey to there, finally after some time,
going along the way across the hill while biting a loaf of naan.
When arrives, he finds the house in fully collapsed condition.
There are no golden windows but a poor crumbled house.
He looks to his own house down the drumlin
surprised by the heavenliness of his own dwelling
The sun was casting back on his house's stained windows
just like the sparkling on the gold as the sun downs
That answer to that is painfully simple: I’m a disabled, thirty-something individual with compromised mobility…and I’m a lazy S.O.B...
But, oh, how I fantasize! And loath am I to torture myself by looking at all the exquisite, fabulous fashion creations by Versace, Comme Des Garcons, Missoni and Vivienne Westwood; elegant creations I will never be able to wear, let alone afford. Though I enjoy being a man and would have it no other way, I envy women and sometimes wish I was one, just so I could wear a Versace gown, even if it were just to take out the trash.
I worship fashion and models; they are my demigods. They embody all that is outwardly beautiful. I don’t mind the shallowness of it. I wish I was Coco Rocha, Naomi Campbell, Janice Dickinson, Linda Evangelista, Tyra Banks, Milla Jovovich, all rolled into one. I wish I could strut and stomp the catwalk; to pound the runway in some outrageous creation by Rei Kawakubo. To jet-set to Paris, Milan, Tokyo, London…! I would die and go to fashion heaven, and see Gianni, and I would be his Muse. Poor, Gianni; why did that bastard kill you? Genius was lost that day and fashion has since suffered in your absence.
I wish I was as skillful with sewing as I am with words; since I’ll never be a model, I’d at least like to design clothes that would echo my influences. A mesh of the sex of Versace, the elegance of Missoni, the insane artistic destruction and anti-fashion of Comme des Garcons and the hipness of Vivienne Westwood; yes, that would be my style, as my poetry echoes Poe, Shelley, Keats and Dickinson.
But, alas and alas again! For these are all but mere dreams and fantasies that shall never be fulfilled! But a gay boy can dream, can’t he?
I do not know?
Can't wait for the new day
this day had brought me
nothing but heartache and misery
but I will make it to the new day
no matter what
I'll do what ever it takes
bite scratch and crawl
my way to the new day
cuz I can see it over yonder
over the horizon and all
I have to do is hold on
til the new day arrives
can't wait for the new day
cuz I'm tired of living in poverty
maybe this new day will be full
of happiness and joy
but won't find out unless
I hold on til the new day
arrives which is over yonder
over the horizon
what a wonderful day the
new day will be
a few years ago, i found someone
to chat, to talk, to share my time
i can't explain the words of heart
i just smile! it felt so right
in midst of my agony
i saw you! smiling at me
i suddenly asked, "why?.. why?"
she just said "you inspire"
couple of days, months
i used to have you, here at my side
i didn't know how it works
but you totally melt my pride
we still stayed as friends
even we have this feeling
fast pulse, cause we love each other
surely! we've hit by a love archer
i was so depressed, frustrated
you've rejected me to love you
tears fell in my eyes without no clue
'cause "I disagree!" your father have said
one cold night, i drunk too much
i felt so despair, drain my guts
i drove my car, so careless
i'll hit the bridge! i closed my eyes. . .
i woke up early, i'm in a hospital
i remembered the accident last night
i stood quickly and felt so light
there's no mark of wound, in my body and heart
i'm on the gate of my home, i stopped and looked
it's full of mourning crowd
it's impossible to move forward
i used the back door to check inside
i saw you sitting, crying
i tend to touch you, but can't keep moving
my heart beats so fast, just like when i see you
but i felt not love, but nervous
i slowly came near to calm you
my feet froze in the ground, it's weird
i pushed myself to walk, even to crawl
finally got a few inches. to hear you
you were apologizing deeply,
because of ignoring my feelings
you begged for my forgiveness
'cause you truly love me
i felt no more pain, nor anger
i just smile and want to say "it's okay"
but before my words be utter
i was shocked, it blew me away
i saw myself, lying in front of her
sealed in a well craved box, a coffin!
i can't believe what happening
this was not a dream, nor nightmare!
i tried to hold, to embrace my love
but my hands passed through her body
i shouted and cried to my love
but it seemed she can't hear me
i'm crying at loud, for someone to feel
that now i'm in vain, in so much pain
i just want to show my love again
for God i wished, make me real!
but in the moment of my frustration
i heard you whisper, soflty
"i love you so much!, for i'll be
cherished you and be my inspiration"
my heart glows and released joy
for i felt your sincerity and love
all turned into such admiration
for having me in your life
i quickly wept my tears away
that my love for you was not wasted
maybe i'm not exist here, today
but i'll live in your heart, forever . .
A total Jedi mind f*ck from Hell is what this is. I feel like a nuclear bomb has exploded in
my mind of Hiroshima proportions and I am on the brink of a Chernobyl meltdown.
Bewildered may be the best description of what I am feeling right now. I cannot process
anything; I feel like I am in total and utter f*cking shock. I apologize for the expletives;
I normally never curse when I write because I find it uncouth, but I have to get these
feelings out; I know if I don't, I will want to cut, which is the last thing in the world I want to
do. God knows I have enough scars; I don't need or want anymore.
From great pain comes great inspiration, I believe. Even though my mind is positively
reeling at this very moment as I type, I feel exponentially inspired. I am completely
overwhelmed emotionally, and I have just now stopped sobbing and weeping enough to
write; to get these horrid feelings out of me.
Even the smallest of troubles or strife turn into absolute tragedy and catastrophe in my
mind; I cannot help or control it, and God knows I wish I could. I "catastrophize" everything.
My best friend of 15 years just called me and told me she was moving to Alabama. I
shouldn't even say "best friend" for she is more like a sister to me. Always, always she
has been close by and been there for me as I have been for her, and now she is moving
what seems like galaxies away from me, and the pain I am feeling is so tremendous and
shocking; so unnerving and vexing and tormenting and afflicting...I could go on forever
with melancholy and exasperating adjectives and descriptions. In my mind, she is dead
and I am hosting the funeral in my brain. That's totally insane; I understand that, but at
this moment I am NOT rational. For a moment after I stopped crying my eyes out, I
almost felt catatonic. In my partner's arms, I just wept as he held me; I was shaking
and shuddering furiously. I feel lost. I haven't felt this powerless or helpless since my
grandparents died. She is moving away and there is nothing I can do about it. I am
a horrible and selfish human being for I want her to stay, so desperate do I feel.
Wendy, my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime; my cohort, consort, comrade,
co-conspirator: you who know me best, inside and out, like a book...you are leaving me,
and my sorrow is swallowing me whole- devouring me like an angry, rabid beast. Don't
go; don't leave me. With every fiber of my being I wish you to stay, but you've made up
your mind and told me your decision at the worst possible time, when I am already too
stressed to deal with or process this kind of pain and anguish in a healthy way. I'm ready
to hit the bottles: whisky and Lortab. They will ease the pain and will quell the compulsion
This is the most personal blog I have written. I didn't know what else to do but turn this
despair into words to help ease the heartache and suffering. If anyone cares, I need
support right now. I need prayers and well wishes and good vibes; I am about to crumble
to pieces. I feel like the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I don't
know what to do. This is the worst feeling in the world. Uncertainty is truly the worst of all
When words sound like a lost course
Who is will provide the answers to all this questions we ask
When the world feels like sinking sand
Who will beat fear to hold my hand?
When the road of life seems too long to reach the end
Who will tell me continue when am just about to stop
I am not afraid of what the world brings me
It is after all life, and it is meant to be
I cannot chose what my tomorrow becomes
But I can choose to become my tomorrow
And define my existence today
But a choice is but a choice
It may not define what becomes
Or what tomorrow may bring
When behind lies the tattered ruins
Of an interrupted middle class firmly
When our differences of reason cannot elevate
When sense make no sense
And the silence in my house
Is beyond the count of grief
I sit and take a moment to meditate
For you to read my thoughts in a poem
In the deepest end of solitude
I find a place to bury pain
What my heart cannot heed
My mind cannot feed
To corrupt my thoughts with greed
I am not afraid to be alone
Because no one is ever alone
But I am afraid to be what I am not
Like a wound left to rot
A defined sense of solitude
At the cross road
When thoughts collide
When we take a moment to weigh our load
When we all pause
To Whig history
When the sea mimics the land
Life still exist within
When the sun set to the east
And the night is left for beasts to feast
Life still exist within
When all is lost
And when all is said and done
When fun has become less fun
When all have come and gone
When there is nowhere to run
Life still exist within
When something becomes nothing
When nothing becomes something
And when ideas deceive the mind
In the interregnum
It is the journey of life
Not the arrival which occupies my mind
When we get to the cross road,
God is still in heaven and that is where I eventually want to be.
Satan is still in hell and I am sure that is a really nasty place to be.
As for me I am still on earth and for a man of my age I am doing rather well.
I am not sure where you are but I pray you are doing fine and are having a great time.
When a father of five
came home faced
with one in five children of convalescence
which he will pay more attention?
So organizations should be
when in a department or group,
one member is left out
of the production process.
Discard the individual or rescue?
On a historic, emotional night of March 28th, 2015
It was the most important hockey night to be remembered
While the current players played 82 games for the season
This member played only 1 game for one true reason
To cheer for the team he loves for all his entire life
And so his passion gave the Toronto Maple Leafs a great new hope
Entered through the player's locker room to find his true colors
A sweater of the blue and white awaited for Garrett Gamble
Enriched with his honorable name and its number
He will be known for the team as the "G-Man" of #42
Having an everlasting smile and determination on his face
The voice of the Air Canada Centre called out his name
And as Wendel Clark skated by his side, this is true heroism
All he ever wanted on his life was to drop the puck on center ice
Making this wish a reality was the chance of his lifetime
Being an honorary "Puck Dropper" was the role destined to play
And so he signified the start of this game
The "Battle of Ontario" was fought for long, hard minutes
And it all seemed all hope was lost as the Maple Leafs fell behind
Garrett's undying determination was to be seen with his wish
He knew the Maple Leafs will fight back along with him to win
One final period and the Maple Leafs won't dare to lose
For they fought along with the spirit of the "G-Man"
Dared on a risky play with time against them
Bozak sounded the goal horn, keeping Garrett's hopes alive
A tied game was taken into the Overtime Period
And Garrett "G-Man" Gamble was the 5th man to play on the ice
His true preseverance for the game and the sport led upon this
Brewer tapping the game-winner, sent the crowd on loud cheers
The Toronto Maple Leafs saluted to the crowd as the winners
"Bozie " and the "G-Man" emerged on the ice together as victors
Eric Brewer earned the 3rd Star of the Game for delivering the victory
Tyler Bozak was awarded the 2nd Star of the Game with his "Hat-Trick"
But it was Garrett "G-Man" Gamble who deserved the 1st Star of the Game
For his undying will and spirit to rally a team who gone on a rough journey
He enjoyed this game will a full beacon of happiness in his heart
"It was a great day!", these were the emotional words of the "G-Man"
This was a story of a loyal fan who became a player with true honors
The honorable player who played along with his beloved team with heart
And with his heart... became an inspiring legend for life... forever
People of the Leafs Nation... this was "The Legend of "G-Man"
From anxiety to joy
Hi to all my friends
I decided to write this story of me down, because I see so many unhappy people on this site. They make this very clear to me when I read some of their beautiful poems. I have tried telling it in verse, but now I feel it is time to write it down in prose
When I was a child I was not happy because I had very strict parents who robbed me of all my freedom. I was a very freedom loving boy and I felt so totally restricted in a family that never could and never would understand me. There was a lot of psychological cruelty handed out to me by my Father and a hell of lot of bullying, I was subjected to by the other kids, I came from a very rough part of London called Peckham, and I was an extremely sensitive young lad.
When I grew up I married a beautiful Australian girl named Vera who is still my beloved wife after fifty years. We immigrated to Australia, and after about three months, I decided to join the army, and I volunteered to go to Vietnam, so I could pay back the kindness that the Australians had Showed me by receiving me to their beautiful country.
I served in Vietnam for about nine and a half months, then they decided to ship me back to Australia because of injuries and illness. when I came back my troubles all started and I developed PTSD, even though I had not really been in much danger during my days of war. I was filled with a terrible anxiety, and was absolutely terrified of both life and death. I had these periods of deep, deep dread that completely ruled my life. I was angry most of the time, and I detested everybody I ever met with a vengeance so hard to understand
This got worse and worse as the year proceeded, and I tried everything to control it, from counselling to reading every kind of self help books, and I read every religion, and all the stuff by so many different Spiritual teachers until I had a bookcase brim filled with all the books I had read. I tried every kind of meditation, plus yoga, Tai chi, and many other things. However, nothing worked. They helped a bit but not enough to stop the ugly terror I felt.
Then one day I came across a man named John Sherman on the net, who has helped so many people, and thousands of people now practice what he advocates with much success.
John told me that all I had to do was close my eyes and look at the me ness of me, it was as simple as that. At first I laughed at him with this simplistic approach to gaining back ones sanity. But I was desperate; I had walked out on my wife for a year and given everything I had away. My anger was getting worse and worse, and when I finally came back to my family, I really wasn’t worth being with. My wife tolerated me because she loved me so totally, but I could tell that I was leading her into Pyschological, of physical illness.
So I gave John’s method a try, I meditated every day using my me ness as a meditation point. I don’t mean my thoughts or sensations, emotions or such. I mean the ‘me’ the part of me that actually runs the show. The ‘me’ that always seems hidden but is always there in the background. I noticed some changes in me very quickly, but then the progress came slower, but very steady. Now I have been doing this for nearly five years and the difference in me is phenomenal. I am so happy now, that I could almost scream with joy. I have no more anxiety any more, and the dread that once debilitated is totally gone.
My neurotic fear of death has faded, and although I don’t want to die, when it comes I will be totally ready for it. My life is so beautiful these days and everything seems so beautiful, and crystal clear. These days I walk on feather feet, and I am so grateful to John and his wife Carla for what they gave to me. I really want to share this with anyone who cares to listen. You would not believe how beautiful my life is these days. Thank you for reading, all you who reached the end of this story. I hope it helps you as it most certainly helped me….Peter.
The Beauty Within
When a heart is kind
Goodness seeps into your mind
Peacefulness flows all about
As the inner beauty turns inside out
When the kindness of the heart is given
Energy flows with life worth living
All living life comes from the Lord
His inner beauty keeps us in accord
That glorious beauty of nature
Shows God’s kind heart so pure
The beauty is an unspoken love
That comes from our Lord above
When we begin to focus
On God’s beauty all around us
A sense of peace will slowly start
As you feel the goodness of God’s heart
It is all the glory of the Lord’s
Gracious beauty of His innards
Kindness begets kindness like a friend
Pouring out all the beauty from within
Not everyone can see inner beauty
As we all look at others differently
Only within the eyes of the beholder
Will the true beauty begin to smolder
A person is not seen by their outer shell
That’s how I see it as far as I can tell
A bitter heart that deceives like a crook
Appears ugly no matter how great you look
Let your heart be kind and always shine
Your inner beauty all of the time!
Florence McMillian (Flo)
loneliness is a good thing...
to share with someone
How splendid the day
that turns into night
as the world spins silent
away from the light
a body must rest
as the earth cools down
spinning so perfect
around and around
this gift that was given
so suttle but grand
comes from the heavens
created by loving hands
Dedicated to all of the guys who helped me to make the checklist - thanks!
The Empty Rib Slot
I think I might have
A perfect checklist
Highlights from men
Gathered now missed
Yes special highlights
Each man carried some
Now added to my checklist
For a guy having it all in one
This could be the key to find
The man I’m dreaming of
Not with bits and pieces
One filled full of love
A man made for me
No it would be not
I should fit perfectly
Into an empty rib slot
Let me share this list
With every one of you
Then decide for yourself
If it could possibly be true
My first check comes from
This guy with dreamy eyes
He deeply touched my soul
Way more than ever realized
He even had a special smile
That made you want to grin
No matter if life was down
He encouraged me to win
There was the big hugger
With squeezes oh so tight
He lifted me off the floor
Like if I was taking flight
He never did grow tired
Of giving me those hugs
I never had to ask for them
He always did it out of love
Then there was the dancer
He stayed light on his feet
He loved dancing with me
Carrying rhythm and a beat
Now of course on this list
There certainly has to be
That best friend I count on
Who can also count on me
I am even going to count
The good points of quality
Generated from my brothers
And even from my daddy
From them they all carry
A very good temperament
Always being so easy going
Not looking for an argument
When I am nestled in that slot
With a perfect feel of passion
All of his glory will then shine
As it eludes from my reflection
The most important one of all
He who shares a spiritual side
Being spiritually open with me
Not allowing his beliefs to hide
I know how this all may sound
Like a crazy thing that I’ve got
I want the man I fit snuggly with
When I match his empty rib slot
Florence McMillian (Flo)
Peace is the mental
grease for resistant
thoughts. Moving ever
so smoothly towards
our hearts. Final results,
is laughter among our selfs.
04/28/14 written by, Larry Berdoo
A friend of mine asked me
"How do you meet a man I'm lonely"
I told her "you can meet a man anywhere"
"you can meet him in the library"
"you can meet him at a bus stop"
She meet a man at a bus stop
within a week he had her facing court
a passenger in a stolen can
The next time a friend of mine asks
I'm going to say you can meet a man
at university in a school as you learn
you meet a man that's also learning
You can meet a man
with dreams of building a career
follow the path to your career
and you'll meet a man on the road.