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Narrative Humorous Poems | Narrative Poems About Humorous

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The Stoned Pen - Humor


I feel privileged. I have been chosen by the Government as part of a group testing something called Edible Clinical Marijuana. Honestly I half expected it to look like a Burrito because the name sounds sort of Mexican. It actually looks more like a brownie. I’m am about to take a bite so hold on. Yum, tasty! So here is the point I am suppose to consume one half of a brownie then fill out this sheet giving them my feedback. Hold on I am going to have a few more bites. Okay, no wait, milk would go great with these babies. I’ll be back. (after a long while) OK, sew sorry I was gonna while I was staring inside my fridge\ for a while' tying to remember I think I wanted a glass of ink% aktiually I’m dinking from the bodle@ I am eating my forth brownie as I was instructured to do; Did they say four or? ate cause these. are tasty And/ aaaahhhhhhh,, tasty^ tayysstee^ hahahahahahahahaha"" a program on my compuwhatyoucallit keeps underlyning my words with read squiggles= hahahahahahahahaha but it diidn’t underline squiggle# hahahahahahahahaha wel dats stoopid squiggle isa perfect lee good underlying word* stoopid Bill Gated^ hahahahahahaha?haha sorry I ment Will Gated~ so watt was I saying ] oh yeah+ fill the sheet) hahahahahahahahaha I don wanna sheet, tha is gaross[ heeres a pen quesshun= Sex easy! ansir; yes- please) hahahahahahahahaha ?why m i bein so polite hahahahahahahahaha queshun! oh wow Blues Brothers on my TV what was I spose? to do oh yeah watch tv why am i so angry hahahahahah++ hahahahahahahahaha i mean hungary haahahahahah h u n g r y dere hungry> hey look brownies? those look good hahahahahahahahaha i con't tipe with mai mouth full dats rood/rood i'll get bak too dis later.. sew as they say hahahahahahahahaha two bee cun tit nude< hay lookk browniies Mo Rice Why Vone 144~13~20/20


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I Cannot Tell A Lie



Men's minds are devious at the best of times Also twisting their stories I should know, I'm one of dem der guys Pretty sure I'm no different than 98% of my fellow males It's inbred into our psyche and of this I'm sure We're really damn proud of it However I'm a straight shooter At the expense of my fellow males, I apologize Hate blowing the whistle on youse guys But I can't help it... as Georgie once said "I cannot tell a lie" Everything and I mean EVERYTHING That comes out of my mouth Is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth So help... Z-Z-Z-A-A-A-A-A-P-! © Jack Ellison 2014


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KIDS HAVE EARS THE SIZE OF AN ELEPHANT AND A MOUTH TO MATCH

I read Darryl Ashton’s poem Called Pinocchio Rex and this brought back 
memories of a childhood incident

When I grew up we had a smallholding – the house was called ‘Longacre’ as we 
had over an acre of land.  Over the years we had chickens, pigs named Pinky 
and Porky and a goat called Susie… she had kids called Billy and Nanny – guess 
I was no good at names back then… but I digress
Attached to the house was a small village shop but my parents also made a 
small income from selling fresh eggs and in the summer home grown 
strawberries – I would help pick washing baskets of them and bag them up to 
sell.
Every week a little old man would arrive for his dozen eggs and if the shop was 
shut he would ring the doorbell. He wore a pointed felt hat, had steely blue 
eyes and the most enormous nose you have ever seen. Unbeknownst to him 
my parents nicknamed him 'Pinocchio'.
When I was aged about 7 years old the doorbell rang – mum was busy baking 
in the kitchen so I answered it. There in front of me stood this old man wanting 
his eggs. Mum shouted from the kitchen
‘Who is it Janet?’ 
I replied ‘Oh its only Pinocchio’ 
At once mum appeared from the kitchen, her face was the colour of beetroot. 
She apologised for the comment from her ‘cheeky daughter’ The man 
purchased his eggs and walked away – never to return!
The moral of this true tale is that parents ALWAYS tell the truth and that 
children have ears the size of an elephant and a mouth just as big … so if you 
don’t want them to repeat something YOU have said keep it zipped!

Jan Allison
11th August 2014


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Stage Fright (for Frank's contest)

Jake took to the stage, limping with a leg brace
And more than a mere trace of fear on his face
The humorous speech competition was on
He’d made it to finals, prior contests he’d won

Jake’s lifelong bout with muscular dystrophy
Generated sadness and much empathy
He shook and stammered as he started his speech
Competitors thought his composure he’d breach

“Stage fright is shared by many,” the boy explained
And as he began, his eye contact seemed strained
We wanted to rush to his side, offer aid
Little did we know Jake’s point was being made

He’d soon have us laughing at the “crutches” WE use
To gain confidence when stage fright ensues
“I’m picturing you all naked,” he laughed, smiled
Soon his sharp wit had us rolling in the aisle

His strength and courage built fast as he spoke
Jake finished up with a memorable poke:

     “You thought I would fail; I read it in your eyes
     Seeing only my handicap, I realize.
     Those who can’t see beyond disabilities
     Are mired in self fear; YOU have MY sympathy.”

Out of four thousand entrants, Jake took first place
Impressing us all with his wisdom and grace
Oh, how we all cheered when his win was announced
Jake’s humor skills were by far the best pronounced

Today Jake coaches a college debate team
Having mastered the art of building esteem


*I was fortunate to see Jake give his amazing speech at the national collegiate speech and 
debate finals in Niagara Falls.  Like many others, I had feared he was truly 
experiencing “stage fright.”  But he used his humor to make us see that people often exceed 
beyond the abilities others think they have.  If he didn’t see himself as “disabled,” why 
should anyone else?  And what tremendous success he’s had in his career!  His message had 
a profound impact on a lot of other college students.  


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Whatever, Whatever, Whatever



Whatever turns your crank Whatever tickles your pickle Whatever dunks your donut Whatever waxes your dolphin Whatever buffs your Buddha Whatever pops your cork Whatever pets your monkey Whatever frosts your cookies Whatever spills your pills Whatever trips your trigger Whatever humps your camel Whatever melts your chocolate Whatever peels your onion Whatever chafes your carrot Whatever flops your mop Whatever rocks your socks Whatever teeters your totter Whatever milks your goat Whatever pings your pong Whatever peels your banana Whatever blows your nozzle Whatever tips your canoe Whatever flicks your switch Whatever zips your zipper Whatever blows your stack Whatever... whatever... whatever! © Jack Ellison 2014


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This One Is Just For Fun - Enjoy

A woman walks into a coffee shop, sits at the counter. Right next to her is a gentleman reading his newspaper. His face buried in his daily without looking he reaches out takes one finger from her Kit Kat bar. She can't believe what she just saw. Clearly angry she rustles the foil on her bar as she herself takes a finger to eat. A few seconds past Once again the gentleman takes another finger of the now infamous chocolate bar. Now the woman is furious she grabs his Newspaper out of his hands throws it on the counter. She then grabs a piece of his doughnut dunks it in his coffee eats it and walks out. The man is clearly in shock and confused but says nothing. He orders another donut and coffee returns to reading his paper. Meanwhile the woman heads to and gets to her car. She opens the car Now you can see it all on her face redder than a Kit Kat wrapper. Sitting in plain view on the passenger seat quiet and unassuming is her Kit Kat Chocolate bar. Poor man and he was so polite about it all.
Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014 This write is inspired from an idea I recently had for a Kit Kat commercial. You will never see it in a poetry book but hopefully you enjoyed it. Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014


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My Shortcomings

MY SHORTCOMINGS ARE OVERWHELMING - HOWEVER MY STRENGTHS ARE DEFEATING THEM - POETRY CONTEST
I stood there, ...slowly... I removed my clothes... you could tell that my date who was  about to see me naked for the first time  was...was...well...EXCITED! I was worried she would slide off her seat. shirt? gone! sexy... pants? gone! sexy... one piece long underwear? an obvious crowd pleaser I did not time it but it was a long time for her to get over her joy. at one point I think she stopped breathing she was definitely moved there were tears in her eyes I believe her hysteria was a nervous laugh she was laughing hard. long underwear? gone! finally naked I stood there exposed the look on her face  was not good, I am sure I could hear, a song blaring loudly in her mind "Is that all there is, is that all there is..." My shortcomings are overwhelming, I was embarrassed  I was angry I wanted to be mature about the situation, immediately, instantly, I stuck my tongue out at her, my twelve inch tongue, I think she noticed I could breathe through my ears her face lit up  once again she fell off her seat My shortcomings are overwhelming, both naked I started pleasing her she yells  "there is a God!" However my strengths are defeating them. that's it, Ok  you can leave now, Goodbye excuse me this next part is private, LEAVE!
17~10~2014 I am entering this write in the contest. When I saw the title of the contest this came to mind. I thought humor being my greatest strenght I would write this in an attempt to overcome my deppression thank you for the oppurtunity Verena. Laughter is the best medicine...unless your a diabetic... ....and then insulin...insulin is the best medicine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Comments

as far as making comments to other poets.
 i want to confess, it's only fair you all know.
first i read your beautiful work and honestly
 sometimes i even drool.

 i think of what i want to say. 
i create an original opinion then type it on a different page
 just for the heck of it.

 when i am finally satisfied
 i scoop my finished piece and post it here. 
so you see my friends  i have to apologize. 
as it turns out and i hope you can all forgive me.
 i feel so ashamed 
but
i cut and paste all of my remarks.


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U F O

Under the microscope we are under watched by a near by species

For some reason they think we are a life form that takes it to easy

Over the years we were abducted; that was a mistake the aliens became uneasy

Unique in several ways we are human and that they see we are strange

Fooling them we act very hostile yet our mindset needs be rearrange

Opening our minds they started to look, but our minds seems to weird and derange

Upset, the aliens take our species to try to understand

Freaks of nature we seem to gather with costumes and sounds of band

Old as time they been coming to our planet and this is what they found, like us, land

Unrelenting we humans seem to focus on a different path

Feelings we have the aliens do not understand what we have

Odd we are, we are the only species in the galaxy that really know how to have a bath

Unrealizable that we do adore the stars and lights in the sky

From all our studies we look up and see the lights that make our world, we cry

Only now we reason with the aliens we are fools in our world and we sigh  


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Burger Joint

Lucy and Matilda were on the job at the burger joint.
Bad boy Buzz Muldoon rushed in brandishing a gun.
Matilda kicked the would-be robber square in his junk.
Lucy bashed his head in with a badass ball-peen hammer.
The two hard working ladies continued cleaning up the joint.
They chunked Muldoon in the dumpster with the rest of the trash.
Lucy and Matilda opened the establishment without missing a beat.
It was just another typical day right here in the big bad city.
To be successful entrepreneurs in this old turbulent world,
you have to grow a pair of big brass gnarly ones, be you male or female.


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LIGHTNING

When I was a young lad growing up
There were many things I wanted to do
Like riding a bronco in the rodeo
And growing a Fu Manchu
I guess most boys have a silly wish
I was no exception I had one too
To be allowed to cuss a blue streak
Or at least a bad word or two

But Daddy told me I better not
There would be a high price to pay
So I was limited to the phrase "good grief" 
The same line Charlie Brown used to say
Well there was nothing cool about Charlie
Guess Daddy didn't really know about that
But he said if I ever dare swore
I'd get struck with lightning and go splat

One day I was walking up my driveway
Playing catch with no one but me
Bored to tears with nothing cool to do
When I noticed the sky was totally cloud free
What was the chance of a bolt of lightning
Really striking in that painfully described way
If I was ever gonna chance a vulgar tirade
I thought it might as well be today

I started with a whispered swear word 
I waited to see if the clouds rolled in
But you know nothing at all happened
Across my face I grew an excited grin
Within minutes there were no more whispers
I was shouting long blue streaks
When behind me I felt my ear twisted
It nearly knocked me off my feet

It was Daddy and he wasn't too happy
He took me into our house ear first
Said we better not do this in the kitchen
Don't want your Mother's dishes to burst
So into the garage he marched me
Daddy took off his long leather belt
Said son, "Have I ever told you what I call this...
It's called LIGHTNING and you're getting dealt!"

3-3-14





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Clue

Miss Scarlet was driving her car across town.
She had a meeting with Professor Plum at the library . 
It was regarding a paper she had written in the study at home.
About the life of Colonel Mustard and the revolver he carried during the war. 

Mrs. White was on her way to the school. 
She had just left the kitchen,she forgot to put the knife away. 
So she slipped it in her purse, she had colored eggs baskets for her students.
It was near Easter and she was driving to the ballroom to set up for the party. 

Now, Mrs. Peacock was angry. 
She had brought a rope to use to tie up the hole in the hutch.
Her prize bunnies were escaping, her best sales were during Easter time. 
She needed to secure the hutch so that no rabbits would escape. 

Mrs. Peacock put a wrench in her purse to secure the bolts on the hutch.
Well nobody knows what really happened  next, they can only surmise. 
All they know is the rabbit was lying in a pool of Easter eggs and baskets.
Three cars were totaled in the accident, all of the women died.

What was peculiar was what else they saw.
A wrench,a rope, and a knife, were found at the scene. 
No one had a clue as to where, how, or why? 
In the meantime, Professor Plum was in the Library with the revolver.

2-27-13 



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My Aunt Willy Whos Silly

                                         

                                         She smiles all day she thinks it' s o.k.
                                       She makes weird sounds and it's all day
                         My Aunt I asked will you not make that silly sound today?
                            My Aunt looked at me and said why? she always say
                             In public she snorts when she laughs and I get that
                           But when things get out of hand she scares my the cat
                                    I have a cat but my Aunt well she kinda sat
                                      Poor little cat it was now a furry little mat
                          I get really mad at her, but she seems to make me smile
                      Because one day we walked, she sang me a song about a mile
                                   I was happy because she ran out of gas at last
                                She also could not speak at all, and that was a blast
                                                 Although she could not speak 
                                       She kept smiling she once never look bleak
                   My Aunt Willy who's Silly is the person who never does things in half's
                           I can not express any louder she makes me smile with laughs


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What Is Normal



A bit of tongue in cheek as usual! What is normal Normal is in the eye of the beholder Someone walking down the street devoid of clothes Is definitely not considered normal But who sets the standards Who was the first to say we must cover up That dangly thing down below What makes it so offensive Why does the sight of it make us uncomfortable If nakedness was all we knew from birth Then it would be quite normal Society for some unknown reason Aside from freezing to death in the winter Has dictated it to be beyond common decency Would we be having sex in the street Would our sexual urge overcome us Sure makes for some interesting debates I'd be all for nudity up to the age of thirty But then, for the love of Pete Cover up!!! © Jack Ellison 2014


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To Her Highness

These here are the facts, very nearly true, 
about this lady I knew who
ate kale. She thought it was good for you.
Of course she grew a bit mad, but that's not all, 
she grew far less short than she grew tall, 
and had more than a little way to fall.
So when she became not wholy sober, 
one day, one month, before October, 
surprise, surprise ... she toppled ober.
She claimed to be only a clumsy goose,
or did she get so tight her gait got loose
from that old familiar juice abuse? 
And ought her mother have taught her daughter,
that to keep more erect and grow more shorter,
she should eat less kale and drink more water?


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Not All Angels Are Angelic



If this old guy gets to Heaven one of these days He'll surely be watching you peeps So be advised you guys better behave yourselves My guys will be on standby ready to straighten you out And you surely wouldn't want that They are called angels but don't let the name fool you They can really be quite scary Betcha you had no idea You thought all angels were angelic like These guys were once 'angels' for Al Capone So you have been forewarned © Jack Ellison 2014


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Veggies, Veggies, Veggies



Veggies, veggies, I sure love my veggies Just about any that you can name A salad a day for more than two years now You'd think I would tire of 'em but hey, not me Still the best meal of the day With my favourite Poppy Seed Dressing What could be better A meal fit for a king, hmmm maybe not A kings feast is comprised of raw meat With beautiful slave girls standing by Waiting to grant me my every wish Hmmm! That sure sounds pretty good to me How does one become king Is there some exam you have to pass I'm a pretty smart cookie Should pass it with flying colours Would like a crown of solid gold Bedazzled with rubies and sapphires An ermine cloak and dazzling rings on every finger! Am I overdoing it, you think This all started out talking about veggies Did you noticed at what point it started down a different path Oh well back to boring old veggies Somehow they've lost their appeal Gotta leave you now Going to take than exam to hopefully become king Veggies, veggies, veggies! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Caution - Fireworks

E-Z Glo Punk, Lightning Flash,
TNT Devices will burst, do crash
Southern Night, Piccolo Petes
       are hard to beat...

I like hand held Sparklers, Tanks
 flashing fountains, Solar Flare
 Six to #20 Gold I have to share,
 no incidence, no burns, thanks...

  Whistles blow, fountains glow,
 pop'n sounds, entire sky all aglow
 I love those colors, high an low
  trails eched onto my retina
  inspired me to let ya know

  Now you close both eyes
in pitch dark, what a surprise
  for you to see, right there
 darkness, absolutely  anywhere
beautiful trails of lights in motion
 
"Always read a label of caution"


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Booger Eater

Enos Cooper is a booger eater,
he eats his own boogers every day.
When Enos gets drunk he eats other people’s boogers,
but when he wakes up the next day he never remembers
his booger eating escapades of the night before.
People tell him about his exploits, but Enos insists
that there is no way he would do such a thing, drunk or sober.
When he is shown photos of his booger eating forays,
Enos insists that the pictures have been photoshopped.
His booger chomping became so gross that the voters
in his district elected Enos “Nasty” Cooper to Congress.


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Corny Dog Man

I am Corny Dog Man,
the fave Super Hero in all the land.
My main mission is to hand out free
cornmeal-batter covered foot long
hot dogs skewered on a stick
to every hungry girl and boy
in the whole wide blessed world.
My sidekick Honey Mustard Girl
is always right by my side
with the sweet tasty dip
for more added enjoyment
for all of my myriad of kiddie fans.
Never fear kiddos, I’ll be there to
make sure one and all will receive at
least one yummy to the tummy meal
before I fly back to Junk Food Paradise to
refill my Biggie Boy Backpack with many more
foot long corny dogs for your eating pleasure.


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The Misery of Poem Writing

I sat there staring at the screen
Thinking about lunch
Feeling very lean

I sat there still
Letters taunting me
Staring out the window sill

All I got was Nature staring back
Mocking me completely
I grew so slack

Haiku’s flashed through my head
So short and sweet
Frustrated, I went out to my shed

But narrative poetry that I must
 Haiku’s so less sticky
My heads about to bust

Haiku’s I pressed on
The boss said otherwise
So much I think I might go eat a flan

Who’s this boss?
Master of school and more
Salad she did toss

She who is the bomb
Yet stern as a stone
She is known as my wonderful mom

What shall I ever do
Going through such misery
I shall go watch Winnie the pooh

Going to the big screen
I watched away
But I must return to my previous scene

Back at the small screen I ate a skittle 
Procrastinating much
Thinking little


Finally arriving at the last
I think about Haiku’s
But I actually had a blast

In the yard I see our gnome
Standing there alone
Telling me to end my narrative poem


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Roads Traveled

  A hank of damp hair hangs limply on her forehead.  With the back of a work reddened hand she brushes it from her face.  From the galvanized tub before her, she withdraws a well worn shirt from the murky water and places it on the weathered washboard.  With lye soap in hand, she scrubs the sweat stained collar, stopping only to assess her progress.  Her back aches from the stooped position she maintains.When finished, she carries them to the clothesline in the yard.

  She is alone, free to occupy her mind with random thoughts.  Things to do, always so many things to do.  Things she has done or would like to .  She allows herself a little flight of whimsy, thinking back to the days of her youth.  She was pretty then.  At least, the boys told her she was and she never corrected them.  She would use her impish smile to flirt and lead them on.  She would watch them try to outdo each other, acting the fool to gain her attention. Like the time Bobby Edson brought her a bouquet of goldenrod although he was allergic to the weed.  She allows herself a quiet chuckle as she remembers him standing there, eyes watering, nose running, and trying so hard to be a man.  

  But that was long ago.  Many years since William, her sweet William, with slicked down hair, starched shirt, and Sunday suit, stuttered through a request for her hand.  And how, on her wedding day, he had borrowed his daddy's old Ford for their one night honeymoon at the hotel in town, only to have it break down a mile from the house, and William walking back to get some help.  Such a tragedy then, yet so humorous now.

  Where did those days go?  When did life lose it's luster and become so predictable.  All the years, one day stacked against another.  Two boys, grown now, out in the fields with their dad.  Truth is, William would not be able to do it without them, but don't try to tell him that.  While his body may have weakened, as has hers, their real strength lies within their love for each other.  They have not been strangers to their share of heartbreak, as with the loss of their only little girl.  But they have also  
had their share of blessings too.  Be thankful she muses.  He won't give you more then you can handle.

  The wayward curl again escapes and cascades down her face.  Absently, she brushes it back in place, and with a last glance out to where a tractors dust rises in the field, she blows a kiss, and turns back toward the house.


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A Much Younger Santa



Can't believe how young and dashing I was At one time I was even a younger than that Mom actually had to change my diaper I know, I know, I'm so sophisticated now It's beyond people's comprehension That I was once a snotty nosed little know it all Full of my own importance We live and learn as the old saying goes We're only one of seven billion inhabitants My teen years were years of insecurities So from these shy bashful beginnings Emerged this handsome dude fighting off the girlies Oops sorry! Lost it there! Still dreaming of those days long ago What we make of our lives is strictly our own doing We can even rise to be famous And be remembered for generation to come It's all up to us, we are the masters of our own destiny © Jack Ellison 2014


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Ralph

i was just a kid the first time i met him
he borrowed my brand new wrist-rocket
and scampered off into the night, laughing like a ghoul
the sound of two young lovers on a beach, punctuated by howls of pain
the returning of footfalls and mad laughter
he had his fun, now it was time to party

i had no way of knowing this crazy man was to be in my life for many years to come
i had no way of knowing he would help shape who i was to become
he drug us from the beaches of Oregon to the deltas and forests of California
forever altering the path i strode upon

once, he had me and his son dig a 6X6 pit and bury him up to his neck
pre-emptive of him "Nutting up".
we fed him beer and fritos at his request... we unburied him after he came down
There are stories to be told that i cannot tell here.... but alive and fertile in my memories.
one day i will see him again and ask permission to tell some....
But it won't matter..... you wouldn't believe them anyway!!!!!


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Paper-Cup Porsche: True Tale from the Mental Ward

Of all the kooky Coo-Coo's in the nest, Charlene by far was my favorite. Poor Charlene had virtually lost her mind after the sudden tragic death of her son, and because of that, and in addition to her hilarious antics, we were all quite fond of Charlene.

She was an African-American woman, somewhere in her sixties I supposed. Hoary, snow white hair, diminutive in stature, not lean but not heavy, and entirely unpredictable. A fellow smoker, she would always accompany the rest of us out onto the patio where we all grumbled about our mental problems, b!tched about the staff and exchanged war stories. This was always my favorite time to share with Charlene because, without warning, she would often suddenly break out singing gospel songs as if we were in church and not the loony bin. Charlene would sing her heart out, and though not the best singer in the world, I found this erratic behavior endearing, because she would often not only carol "negro spirituals" but also many songs I knew by heart since I also grew up in church. And this was not just singing; it was like she was in actual church, arms waving and dancing around, as if the spirit of the Lord had abruptly invaded her animated body. Stomping, stamping, wailing, flailing: singing her little heart out for us. It was an awesome spectacle to watch, to say the least.

I clearly and vividly recall the day my parents and best friend came to visit me. As I was showing them around the place, which was actually very resort-like for a mental hospital, and introducing them to my new crazy friends, out from nowhere came Charlene with a paper cup in hand. She was "vroom-vrooming" all over the place like she was driving and steering a car. She even made screeching brake noises as she rounded corners, frightening the more sensitive patients in her wake. My parents and best friend, and those of us on "the mend", could not restrain our laughter. While Charlene "vroomed" past us, I yelled at her over the car noises and said, "Hey, Charlene; whatcha doin'?" and, without skipping a beat, she yelled back, "Can't you see? I'm driving my new Porsche!". Needless to say, we were all doubled over with laughter. 

In all my time spent in mental wards, this is by far my favorite and most cherished memory. It turned out that Charlene actually lived in the same town as me, and I would often see her in the grocery store where I worked (after I was "all better"). I always said Hi to her and called her by name, and she would just look at me in bafflement and hurry on with her buggy. One day she finally asked me how I knew her, and I whispered in her ear (as not to embarrass her), how we had met in the hospital, and she took me aside and whispered in a conspiratorial way, "Oh, honey; that was a baaaaaaad time!". I just gave her a friendly, reassuring pat on the back and smiled, to signify that for the time being, we both were better, and that's all that mattered. Al Fin.


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The Long And Short Of It



Us guys never lose our love for the opposite sex It's deeply engrained in our psyche It's obvious every single day of our lives We travel life's highway admiring the scenery passing by This one make me sit up and take notice That one turns my rusty old crank Now this one over here makes me salivate Us males continue the need to refresh our canvas We easily get bored with the same old, same old Variety they say is the spice of life In my case, it's the whole kit and caboodle! So keep on keeping on with your provocativeness As long as I'm still alive and kicking I'll continue to admire the female form in all it's glory Your charm will never go unnoticed Long live short skirts! © Jack Ellison 2014


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The F-Bomb Has Been Replaced



The F-Bomb has been replaced As the naughtiest word in the english language By this new extremely naughty four letter word Yup! You guessed it... SNOW!!! The notorious S-Bomb! Parents shudder when their wee one utters it in public Oh the shame of it all The parents try so hard to bring their kids up As upstanding, polite, law abiding little fellows And then this... they feel like total failures “I don't give an S-Bomb!” the little guy shouts out at the mall The parents cringed with embarrassment Another time he was heard to yell out at McDonald's “I hate these S-Bombing Chicken McNuggets” So now you see, punishment is definitely in order The parents had to lay down the law... “Go to your S-Bombing room! You are not allowed to play on your X-Box For a whole S-Bombing week”! © Jack Ellison 2014


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CLUBHOUSE PARTY

pooh with the only tools of honey and smarts;
mickey with his best friend Donald,
oh! what a party to start.
the three wanted to celebrate the clubhouse opening;
so they started to cheer,
giggled merrily,
and started the music.
oh! what a good time they had!
everybody was glad;
but pooh became sad,
maybe, because it was the end.
but, later we found out,
he just ran out of honey.
so mickey said,"be happy don't pout."


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Nuff Said



A blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant Now aren't you really glad you tuned in? There are two hundred million insects for every human Wouldn't have gone camping if I knowed that! We weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead Due to the gravitational effect Too bad the moon isn't shining all day long 100 lightning strikes occur worldwide every second Stay indoors!!! Humans grow about 8mm every night while asleep But revert back to their normal height the next day Oh so glad, otherwise we'd spend a fortune on new clothes 250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa Guess they leaned a little bit too much 1 in 28 American school-aged children Have a parent in either state or federal prison Holy crap! A really great example to follow A single healthy human male produces enough sperm In two weeks to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet Uh! I volunteer my services... no charge! Although gold is a heavy dense metal It is generally considered non-toxic Gold flakes may even be ingested in foods or drinks No wonder restaurant meals are so high Pope Francis once worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires bar “Doing God's work?” Mozart wrote a canon entitled “Leck mich im Arsch” Which literally translated means “Lick me in the arse” Nuff said!!! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Momma's Fancy Laced Boots

    Momma went trappin' till noon,
fer Ring Neck Ducks ~ en gone fishin',
        also trappin’ fat coon…
so she was a dragin' er ole’ berlap
full - of game, as well, 'like money in…
'er til' ~ by thee light, of ay full moon...

     Seven siblings doin' chores causin'...
       Momma needed money so soon,
    Grandpa en a Pop'a were a knockin'
   down all those logs - for Coors, quickly

    Momma chasin' chickens, while rescelin'...
in there pen, en a sloppin' with all them hogs,
why she was buzy a slippin' en a slidein'...
into a sink hole, an a trippin' over pa’ pa's logs,
frogs were a jumpin', an a hopin'
   right through her hands...

    While Grandpa was a brewin',
good ale, a good tale fer Kentucky mash...
fer what she longed fer sure,
Momma ney're could save 'er cent of cash,
ner're enough mash-ale fer er dough, unerring
though ~ down to her country-store...

  She went one misty ~ foggy mornin'...
into one of her swamp boats, all traps
all bottle ale, so Momma went a paddlin'...
           certain, per'aps
fer her new pair, so needin’ of them
   ere fancy laced ~ Combat Boots

   “Now remember to call your Mom too”


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Can I Buy Extra Words



My brain is on holiday Sure wish it would alert me I'm cruising along having a ball Then WHAM!!! “Sorry, I'm on holiday” Doesn't happen often to me But when it does, I freak out What if in my remaining years I never write another poem Yikes! What a calamity that would be Still got lots to write about I think I have... I know I have... I'm sure I have But what happened??? Something is short circuiting my thought box Write the first line, then scrap it Write the first line, then scrap it Write the first line, then scrap it Help!!! Someone please tell me what to do Have the “thought police” intervened Have I exceeded yearly the word count already It's only April! Please oh great overseer of verboseness If I have exceeded my limited Can I buy extra words for the year I'll pay big dollars... © Jack Ellison 2014


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Smoke alarm dinner bell

I can't explain it, but mom found the way:
How to burn water, day after day.
A roast in the oven, all wrapped and well-foiled;
Out it emerges well-done and charbroiled.
Our oven had many setting, so easy to turn;
What went in was for certain to burn.

Father worked at a factory, just down the street;
on the road and couldn't make it to eat.
He explained to mom, he had to eat at some dive;
She never called him out, you don't even drive.
Father felt sorry when we went hungry to bed;
Insisting to read to us, under his coat a loaf of bread.

Desert! always treat for my brother and I,
very happy we were, when the cat didn't die.
Chocolate  pudding!...what can possibly go wrong;
Sitting on the commode, way way too long.
We never realized for all we had to endure;
Carbon and charcoal, Mom's built-in cure.

I'm sad to say it and sorry to tell,
Sometime the smoke, sometimes the smell;
the truth about Mom's cooking;
And the smoke alarm dinner bell.

Any questions?


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Getting a Haircut

I never dreamed when I retired that my budget would be strained by a haircut.  I gave up on barbers years ago, now I go to a salon (that’s pronounced with a long “on”).  I’ve plopped down as much as twenty-five dollars to have my hair cut, hoping to get it done just the way I wanted.  Now, I’m not complaining, I’d be willing to pay any reasonable amount for a good haircut.  But, have you considered the odds of getting your hair cut the way you want it?  Let me leave you in on a little secret: “Ain’t gonna happen.”

I’m not a man who wears his hair long, I just like to have a good covering on my head.  Believe me, that’s getting harder to realize every day.  The good Lord has to take a recount every morning since He keeps tabs on things like that.  	Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m getting pretty thin on top.  But, if it’s left just a little long, I can blow-dry it and pouf it so that it covers pretty well.  On the sides I have no problem, there I grow it like a sheep dog.

I’ve tried so many hairdressers that I guess I’m going to have to start commuting to neighboring cities.  I usually start the ordeal like this:
“I want just a trim, just evened out, please.  Leave the sides heavy and don’t take anything off the top, it’s too hard to replace.  And pleaseeee don’t touch the sideburns.”

“Yes sir, I understand totally.  It’s your hair and you should get it just the way you want.”
Ah, I settle back in the chair and give a sigh of relief, finally its going to happen.  She flips me around so I’m not facing the mirror, and I notice an awful pile of hair falling onto the cover she placed around my shoulders.  I glance down to see whose it is, and she says, “Please hold your head up straight.”

What’s she trying to hide?  Seems like an awful lot of activity on top of my head.  Finally, she spins the chair around so I’m facing the mirror.  She has her clippers poised just at the top of my ear and asks, “May I cut your sideburns off straight across?”

I scream “No!”  But already she’s cut so much of them off that it’ll take me the next month to grow them back again.  She pleads, “But, I don’t like them long.”
Who really cares, they’re my sideburns.  Besides, I don’t like her burgundy hair but I didn’t say anything.
 
She presents a smiling face and offers me a small mirror to view the back of my head (so I can see that big bald spot right near the top).  Good grief, I’ve been scalped again.

“How’s that look?” she asks just as if she’s done everything I asked.
Am I supposed to be honest and diplomatic or tell her the truth?  After all, if I insult her and cause her to have a bad day, she can’t put it back anyway.
“It’s fine,” I lie one more time.  I didn’t get it cut the way I wanted, and all that hair she cut off she stuffed down the back of my shirt.  I could just scream.

My wife is the voice of reason.  “Don’t have a cow, it’ll grow back in a few weeks.”
Yea right, just in time for the whole ordeal to start over again.  I swear I’m going to take a Nazarite vow and let it grow.

Well, at least its not as bad as when I was a kid.  My Dad used to take me to this nice old man in Frostburg.  He was a nice guy, but he only knew how to cut hair one way.  He scalped everyone who came within five feet of his chair.

Dad always went there, of course he didn’t have any hair to start with.  I always made him take me to the progressive guy two streets away.  He would cut it just like I asked, and my Dad would pay him the fifty cents and mumble, “You certainly didn’t get your monies worth.”  Good grief, who said anything about wanting my monies worth.  I wanted my hair.

Times have sure changed.  Fifty cents way back then to nearly twenty-five dollars now.  And they don’t even realize I would have to come back sooner if they didn’t cut it all off.

What ever happened to the axiom “the customer is always right”?  If you ask me, the customer is always bald when it comes to the hair salon.
So, what’s price of a good hair cut?  I have no idea - I haven’t had one in ages.


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De Andy Lee

De Andy Lee (part one)

Talks about the little Lady Lee and me,
It all started at the first flight
Our adventure had an origin---
From Off-ego was where we met
So dazzling was her beauty that
Caught my eyes at first sight
And unresisting, my passion wooed along 
Believe me, my eyes contended and my heart clamored
Though my lips stuttered
Deep down inside me was stamina within
Whispering “You can do it, yes, you can”

As I opened my eyes, unknowingly, I’d reached for Lee’s hands
“Hi pretty damsel… as anyone ever told… you…‘re charming”
Perhaps this was a poor pick up line
But she smiled anyway and then freed herself away 
Like a butterfly hovered from my hands.

Not so long, Terry, a neighbor from Long-town
Knocked at my door, walked himself in as I consented
And handed me a postal, “thank you Terry”, I said
While I thought through who might mail me this 
Piece on my palm which I was about to cut exposed
Alas a nightmare-like knocks from the dark 
I (already) left my door ajar
 “You help yourself in please” I utter’d as expected
“Good day sir, I’m Dandy. There is a lady waiting for you outside
She said are name is Lee De Lee”
Agape! “It must have been that lady from Off-ego,
Yes she’d seized my throat already. I think, my previous 
Chat with her there was not bad after all”
Walked myself out with one of my finest attires
Dandy took me to that spot she picked him for me and left
Me, only me wandering and wallowing nervously in the chilly clouds

“Hail Mary, hope I guess right… and where is little Lee De Lee?”
I soliloquized… and as Heaven helped me, 
She appeared and approached
“My apology for keeping you waiting Mr Handsome,
May be you did wow me like you did other ladies or not
But my question is this… Will you love me like
You never have loved any other lady in this city?”
 Though puzzled me but “I must top this chat” I assured
“Not only love will I give, but all for our short courtship
And the thereafter long and everlasting wedlock”
 I could see from her face, expressions said to say
‘Another clever words from your sweet mouth’ 
But lo she opted for most sensitive part of me,
Which could be very vulnerable sometimes
“What did you say that your sweet name is… Handsome?”
There I unveiled my name, which is Agape-
“A-G-A-P-E, yes, pronounced Aa-gaa-pey from On-town” I said….

A.O
16/2/2014


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Whether It Is Nobler



Tried to write something phylosophical But the strain on my brain was immense Heard something whir then POP Thought to myself, “that can't be good” Felt fine otherwise But suddenly was able to complete Complex mathmatical equations with ease Never ever been accused of being a genius before But all of a sudden I was able to figure out The meaning of life among other amazing feats Then a vision of my Mummy dear Who passed away in nineteen-seventy Reached out and patted me on the head And said, “I'm so proud of you, my son” “Was just talking to Albert Einstein yesterday And he told me they were preparing A place of honour for you up here” Belted myself on the side of the head To make sure I wasn't dreaming I wasn't dreaming!!! Nearly swallowed my dentures though Started coughing and sputtering and reciting “To be or not to be, that is the question” Now I know I've heard that somewhere before “Whether it is nobler...” Shakespeare perhaps Well to make a long story short When I return to the Soup Be prepared to greet a whole different Jack A much more sophisticated Jack One that will absolutely blow you away With his new found smarts One that you'll feel honoured to call a friend And if you believe all of this I have some valuable swamp land in Florida To offer you at a very good price! © Jack Ellison 2014


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All You Need Do Is Giggle



The best way to get through life With all of it's many ups and downs Is laugh till you're doubled up on the floor Now that may be a bit extreme Especially for some of you older folks Maybe just laugh till you let out a wee fart NOT A BIG ONE! We all know how dangerous that can be Once heard a gentleman who let one go That actually destroyed a three story building Luckily, no one was severely injured Expect for one young fellow Whose eyes were permanently crossed Doctors say it was the result of an extreme case Of FOULAIRITIS You're grinning aren't you, I can see you! So I believe I've proved my point While you were giggling You weren't thinking about bad stuff... right? See... all you need do is giggle! © Jack Ellison 2014


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It Wasn't Christmas

I finally heard some encouraging news on TV.  A new study reveals that stress is causing the high blood pressure and weight gain that so many Americans are battling these days.  I’ve heard so many things being blamed for these maladies that I had about given up.  But, I believe I can live with this one.
As I write this, its less than a month since Christmas.  At the beginning of December, I was a trim one hundred sixty-five pounds.  Today, I checked and that figure mysteriously climbed to one hundred eighty-four.  That happened in just a little over a month.  To tell the truth, I was beginning to worry just a little.  I thought for sure it was because of Christmas.
You see, so many nice people gave me presents like home-made chocolate fudge, a three-pound box of chocolates, plus a pounder and a pounder-and-a-half of Russell Stover.  Why, I even received a huge can of cashews.  Not those broken, crumbly pieces, but those big fat perfect ones.  Well, come to think about it, there was also a yule log.  You know the kind, creamy nougat center wrapped in pecans.
Then to top it off, my wife baked cookies, raisin nut, chocolate chip and peanut butter.  And then as a final straw, my daughter baked those soft, chewy ginger snaps.
My mother taught me to be a polite person, so I didn’t want to disappoint her and I tried just a little bit of each item.  You really do believe me don’t you?
I checked the supplies just to see how they were holding out.  I vaguely remember the cookies, I think they made it about six days.  The cashews?  Ha!  They were gone the next day.  There’s one layer left in the three-pound box, and the Russell Stover’s each have one piece left.
A conservative figure totals all those gifts at right around ten pounds, and I really did have some help.  So, where did that other nine pounds that I gained come from?
Well, come to think about it, our church gave the best box of candy I ever remember a church handing out.  And just because they love me so much, and because I’m their pastor, they gave me two boxes!
To be honest, I did attend my grandson’s sixth birthday the week before Christmas.  I just had to eat a piece of his ice cream cake, didn’t I?


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Did You Know Goldens Can Talk



When us dogs lie there and stare up at you What do you think we're thinking Are we thinking whatever you say I agree with Because you feed us every day without fail We don't have hands, these paws are useless For opening bags or cans Tried biting the lid off early last month Needed stitches, trouble eating for quite a while What! Are you surprised we know what a month is I'm not just your average pet you know I'M A GOLDEN RETRIEVER We're a special breed, just want all humans to know that Us guys should be treated like royalty We love everybody and don't mean to knock people down We get a little over excited at times Mean no harm, hoped your stay in the hospital Would be short and you'd come out as good as new Us dogs... sorry, us Goldens are a special breed We don't associate with other less sophisticated breeds Well, now that I've completely blown your mind Perhaps next time we talk you'll have recovered One thing before I go mute again It'll be enough when wifey finds out I can talk So I won't tell her about what I saw in the hospital About the way you were ogling dear nursey-poo For an extra bone and a sufficient amount of doggie treats I'll keep this OUR little ole secret WOOF! WOOF! © Jack Ellison 2014


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My Humble Acceptance Speech



Some people I know suffer From anencephalous Loosely translated means Lacking in the grey matter upstairs Still love 'em though Not everyone can be such a charmer Like yours truly There would be no one left to cheer To marvel at this super human I acknowledge and accept the privelege Of being one of those super humans I trust that I will remain This humble, charming and gorgeous person That so many of you have come to know and love As I grace you with my presence Each and every day In the hope that I can measure up To this great honour you have bestowed on me The word on the street Is that I'm a wee bit egotistical But if you were as handsome, witty, and charming As I so obviously am You'll understand the quandry that I am in I just want to continue being loved And cherished as a special person In each of your lives I thank you and bless each and every one of you! LOL I'm sorry © Jack Ellison 2014


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A HUMOUROUS NARRATIVE FOR LYRIC MAN

Dave made a comment about his cowboy boots so I simply had to weave this joke into a little narrative

An elderly couple moved to Texas and the old man had always wanted some cowboy boots
Guess he dreamed of being a cowboy and getting involved in shootouts
So he buys the boots and walks into the kitchen wearing them like a prize
He asks his wife if she notices anything different but she says nothing
He gets a bit annoyed, goes off and strips naked except for the boots
‘Notice anything different now?’ he says to his wife
She looks down at him and says…
‘What’s different – its hanging down today.. it was hanging down yesterday and it will be again tomorrow’.
Well he’s not too happy and says ’and do you know why it’s hanging down?’
‘No’ she says
‘It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new cowboy boots’
She doesn’t change her expression and replies
‘Shoulda bought a hat dear, you shoulda bought a hat’

Hope it raises a smile!

Jan Allison
18th August 2014


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The Perverted Ghost

There was a ghost in my house so I killed him.
Well, he wasn’t really a ghost then, but he is now
because I shot him and killed him deader than a hammer.
I had left my back door unlocked and this fellow snuck right on in,
unseen by me at all until I caught him pissing in the kitchen sink.
Come to find out he was old Jamie “Perv” Perkins
from around the corner down yonder.
Seems he was sneaking around trying to catch my niece
when she was naked. Only problem was, she wasn’t here.
She only comes and visits me during the holidays
and even then she doesn’t spend any nights here.
She’s my brother’s only child, besides I don’t know why old “Perv”
would want to see Emily Amelia naked, she ain’t really all that pretty,
she takes after my brother Abner and he’s downright ugly.
Now, if she had taken after me she would have been born pretty,
but she couldn’t have taken after me because I never had sex with her mama.
I would have if I could have, but she ran off with that truck driver fellow
before I even thought about doing the nasty with her.
When she left she broke Abner’s heart, but he got over it and became a drunk.
Now there is a sure enough ghost in the neighborhood,
I should dang well know because I was the one who made him a ghost
with my old over and under shotgun, it’s a classic beauty.
I’ve had it for going on eleven years now. Old “Perv” doesn’t haunt my house though,
he moved in with Abigail Bailey who lives two houses down from me.
Abigail ain’t all that pretty either, but she’s got big boobs and a right good sized butt.


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Hoo-Ya, Hoo-Ya, Ziss Boom Bah



Hoo-ya, hoo-ya, ziss boom bah! My doctor has given me a thumbs up I'm good to go for another year Let's see, how should I celebrate? Perhaps I'll try going a day without my walker Just kidding! I don't use a walker Hoo-ya, hoo-ya, ziss boom bah! Maybe I'll try dressing myself today Last time I tried that, I wore checks with stripes A major “faut pas” in the fashion world I was laughed out of the local coffee shop Perhaps coz I was wearing shorts, a bowtie And NOTHING else!!! Hoo-ya, hoo-ya, ziss boom bah! My adult diapers are starting to give me a rash Methinks it's those damn No-Name brands People kept asking, “Why are you walking that way?” Told them it's an old war injury! Hoo-ya, hoo-ya, ziss boom bah! Gonna close now. Wife Cathie made me some porridge Told me it's good for my toidy habits She usually knows what's best for me so I listen The doc just gave me a thumbs up So I'll keep doing what Cathie says! © Jack Ellison 2014


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I Ain't Going Nowhere



Well I think it's about time once again To thank all my friends here on the Soup To let you all know how much you mean to this old duffer For brightening up each and every one of my days At this late stage in a very happy life With your oh so kind, uplifting and encouraging words Especially from all you dear sweet ladies You continue to curl my toes and zip my zipper Youse guys are appreciated too but sorry You don't curl my toes OR zip my zipper But you DO pop my buttons when I get a thumbs up I've often thought, what would my life be like If I was to call it quits... WHAT!!! And leave all my sweet sweet lovable friends NOT A FREAKING CHANCE! You're stuck with me for the duration 1. Till I cash in my chips 2. Till my body assumes room temperature 3. Till I bite the bullet 4. Till I buy the farm 5. Till I climb over that last ridge 6. Till I'm food for the worms 7. Till I take a dirt nap 8. Till I take the last train to Memphis 9. Till my Internet crashes 10. Till I go “tits up” So are you picking up what I'm putting down? I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! © Jack Ellison 2014


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The Stump Mystery

Early this morning, at around about four forty five, five o’clock;
I heard somebody knocking on my front door.
I reluctantly forced myself to get up, fussing and cussing
all the time and went to see who the darn fool was.
There stood one of my neighbors, Lonnie Ray Crawford.
So I said: “Lonnie Ray, what the hell are you knocking
on the hot dang door for at this time of the morning?”
He said to me: “Hey there Butterbean,”
(most all of my friends and neighbors call me Butterbean)
 “there’s a big ass tree stump in your front yard.”
I stepped outside and looked and sure enough,
there it was, bigger than Dallas. So I asked old Lonnie Ray:
“Where in the dadgum doggone hell did the tree go?”
Neither one of us could figure that one out, so we drank some beer.
There hadn’t been a tornado or nothing like that last night,
that either one of us had read or heard about,
so we mulled the situation over and drank some more beer.
About seven thirty Lonnie Ray said he had to leave to go to work,
so he got up awkwardly and staggered out the front door.
The point being, if anyone finds a big old hickory nut tree in their yard
that doesn’t belong to them, it’s more than likely mine.
I surely would like for you to return it, if you please.


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You Frickelate Me


How many ways can I express my love for you Lost track when I reached a million I've never been one to exaggerate but in this case I have no choice It is a very frustrating endeavour I can't sleep at night trying to invent some new phrase One that's never ever been uttered before One that would be just for you and you alone Well after racking my brain for days and days Here's what I've finally come up with “I love you so much, you frickelate me” I would be willing to bet all my worldly possessions That's never ever been uttered before Let's just keep it our little secret, okay © Jack Ellison 2014


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Butticians

There are a growing number
of political pundits on television and
radio voicing their concern over the fact
that both the Senate and Congress
in Washington D.C. are filled mostly
with butticians: subhuman bipedal
ape-like creatures uniquely qualified
to inhabit the slime filled environment
of professional politics which is centered
in the nation’s capital, but radiates outwards
to cover all fifty state capitals as well as the
capitals of five U. S. territories: Puerto Rico,
the U. S. Virgin Islands, American Samoa,
the Northern Mariana Islands and Guam.
Butticians are ersatz people who were born
with their brains located in their buttocks
instead of their heads like normal human beings.
They are loathsome cretins devoid of empathy
and their hearts are composed of solid stone.
Because of their physical and mental abnormalities,
they dominate the current amoral political landscape.



portmanteaus’ word used in poem – butticians: buttocks/politicians


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A Lone Ranger Mask



I'm feeling rather silly today Not that that's so unusual But I'm feeling even more silly than usual Read on and methinks You'll understand exactly what I mean Have thoughts of what it would be like To be a ravishing female Rather than this hunk of male virility That I am now Of course I would be an absolute stunner With a body to die for Must stop... I'm getting all squirmy How about if I became the ruler Of a large African country and signed into law That sex is officially permitted In public places as long as you're wearing A Lone Ranger mask Oops! Methinks I may be stepping over the line Alright, how about becoming a Standup comedian with my own late night show Now that's more up my alley Good thing Leno and Letterman Decided to call it quits Guess they knew I was about to take over! Perhaps I should go lie down a spell © Jack Ellison 2014


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Taboo Subjects



There are certain subjects that are taboo When it comes to writing poetry But I try my darndest to ignore them all I guess I really didn't need to tell you that It's fairly obvious I would imagine Writing about apes with pink butts But trust me I'm quite a sophisticated gentleman Though sometimes these evil spirits inhabit my body And I'm not responsible for what I write I thought I needed to explain Some of these recent over-the-edge presentations What I'm trying to say is I'm getting help But the doctors say I'm quite an anomaly But again, I am getting help Wish me luck! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Food Should Never Be Blue



Blue cheese doesn't sound good to me Food should never be blue! Orange and red and green are okay To mention you just a few! A man's suit should never be pink It gives off a certain vibe! It portrays a kind of effeminate touch A thing you might want to hide! You be the judge, what about ice cream? Would you order a flavour called cow? Probably not, but you never know Could be the next craze after sow! One more thing then I really must go What would you think of purple fudge? Not your thing? Doesn't turn your crank? Just give your funny bone a nudge! Why are we bound by customs and norms? Why can't we step out of the box? Like a body builder wearing a pink tutu With pink and green polka dot socks! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Magnifique Roberto

Bobby Dobbler is a fast food slob,
known by all as Fat Boy Rob;
although he’d rather be called Magnifique Roberto.
He prefers the burgers at Burger Doozie;
he should know best for he eats them by the dozen.
The most scrumptious fries he says come from Rummy Dummy,
crisp and tasty when smothered with ketchup galore.
But the crème de la crème of the ice cream treats,
according to Fatzo, is found at Whatzup With Your Burger Fool.
So put some extra go juice in your pimped out ride homey
and hit all three and you’ll have a meal fit for da scene.


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Gena The Geep

My name is Gena and I am an awesome geep.
Papa is Handsome Hank the tough old billy goat.
Mama is Curvy CeCe the lovely ewe sheep.
If I say so myself, I am a very gorgeous geep.
Every young billy goat bleats and every young ram sheep baas
their desire to top my firm rounded behind time after time.
All of the farm boys in the county fight over who will next milk
my gianormous voluptuous teets. Humans, they are so easy.
I draw the line at Dominic Donkey though, he is a real jackass.
I do love to tease Max Mule, the sterile old fool can’t even get it up.
I will only be young once and I intend to enjoy every minute of it.
Lust is my middle name. Love is my claim to fame. I am the queen.



For Animals Alive Contest  07/15/2014


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Those Dirty Nazis



Cathie finally lets me go out on my own now As long as I wear a tracking device of some kind This, of course, is needed in case I wander away And can't remember where I live! At times I have even been known to take a bus And wind up in a city miles away or even in a different province I often follow good looking ladies Hoping they'll be nice to me and ask me home for dinner! So far that hasn't happened although once I offered to bring a nice lady to MY house for dinner But I couldn't remember where I lived Tried walking into a house that looked like mine The alarms went off and the police took me and my friend Down to the police station for interrogation! That was really quite embarrassing! I've been told in no uncertain terms not to talk to strangers And in particular, pretty young ladies! I whined and stomped my feet but Cathie insisted Or she won't let me go out on my own anymore! I'm as sharp as I've ever been but I do call her Mabel sometimes! Hope we defeat those dirty Nazis! LOL © Jack Ellison 2014


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on a bender

On a Bender. 

New Orleans, dawn, woke up on the floor of a hotel room, 
don’t know why I didn’t sleep in the bed. A shower, vapid 
water ran slowly down my body like worms they crawled 
around and refused to leave. In a bar where men sat in 
silence watching TV with sound turned off. A double whisky 
and the worms disappeared. Thought I can’t sit here and 
drink like an alcoholic, I had a bag of bacon flavoured crisps, 
and to show I was a man of taste I asked for Dutch beer. 
Time runs fast, when you are drunk, suddenly eight too late 
for the plane home that left at nine o’clock. One more beer 
and I will be ok. Got another plane, without my luggage, as 
I could not remember the hotel where I had slept on the floor. 


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Learning to Spit

What can you do with all those seeds,
slick, black missiles that blaze
a path down your throat,
when what you want is to taste
the sweetness that surrounds them?

You collect them, as if they're treasure,
and curious grandchildren follow,
eager to play, sure of victory.
I spat those flat torpedoes beyond
the range of their imagination, and they,

in slack-jawed wonder at my dubious talent,
took turns spitting and measuring,
each determined to beat my record.
I dispensed seeds as lips pursed, tongues 
pushed, seeds flew and the air rang 

with spitting sounds. Grandpa shook
his head, laughing at our nonsense.
The game continued, dishes stacked 
unwashed, pride built, skills increased 
and seeds diminished.

But watermelon seeds' primary purpose
is not to be denied. Lush vines sprang up
in flowerbeds, dwarfed petunias and snapdragons 
and produced huge, sweet melons, 
replete with slick, black pips.



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Don't Go to Wyoming Alone

He's a versatile "man of all trades,"
pursues anything new, virtually self-made.
He's a photographer, a minister and a poet,
immerses himself totally but before you know it

he's off and running, tackling something new
He's built homes, cell towers, churches, boss of the crew.
He publishes books, serves as president of our group
If something's happening he's never out of the loop.

A proud do-it-yourselfer, he repairs whatever breaks,
services cars, saws down trees, no matter what it takes.
He took voice lessons, learned to fly a plane,
changed the course of my life, but let me explain.

He was teaching, after hours, for extra money
"I'm saving this for a big vacation, honey.
We're going to Africa, we're gonna hunt big game
for a mere eight thousand, we'll have anything you name.

At this ranch in S. Africa, the wife's a gourmet cook,
irons your clothes while hubby shows where to look."
He built me a special gun, said I could learn to shoot;
took me to the practice range, bought pricey hunting boots.

I took Mother west to Casper visiting my younger sister.
We stayed four weeks in Wyoming because Mom missed her.
Returning home to Missouri, I was surprised to see
he'd purchased a quarter-share in a Cherokee.

I didn't mind much, after initial fear had waned;
I enjoyed seeing America, flying the skies in that plane.
We moved out of St. Louis away from all the noise
built our "old folks home" with retirement as the ploy.

Another trip to Wyoming alone, without my mate
That Piper 235 is history; I returned, alas, too late.
He'd sold his beloved plane and purchased something new,
a grand New Holland tractor painted blue, with a neon hue.

Now he's mowing ten acres and grading a gravel road,
plowing up the garden, with me sharing the load.
My life changed drastically with all my options gone.
If you plan to hunt in Africa, don't go to Wyoming alone.

You must listen closely now for the most important factor,
that's how my trip to Africa eventually became a tractor. 


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About My Contest

I have been blocked from all the extras that one gets from paying their membership 
dues..I paid them this morning but it has not been opened back up for me so I will 
try to post  what I need to  here..

I have selected and ordered my books for the prizes for the first three place 
winners..I will wait until they come to announce the books from which the winners 
can choose...

I have had some interesting entries in my contest..I hope that they don't delete my 
contest but if they do I will reopen it when they put me back in with the priviledges..

I have had several humorous poems that I enjoyed but I have had several very 
good works that are not written to the form that I desired..Those will be eliminated 
first.If anyone wants to go in and change their work to the correct form I will be 
happy to see that happen..

The form that I want is:

Epulaeryu

It is usually about the main course..

It has seven lines with different syllable count per line..

Please check it out on here..

Sara




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Voting In America

Okay, my rat bastard
beat your rat bastard
in the most recent election,
so don’t you dare tell me
that your rat bastard
is better than my rat bastard
when I know for a fact
that my rat bastard
is by far the superior
rat bastard of the two.


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The Official Jar Opener



I was the official jar opener in our house Until this jar of Bick's Pickled Beets Knocked me off my perch Mr. He-Man here is now fighting off severe depression It's a conspiracy, cause I was acting too much like a smart ass That lid tightening machine heard about me And is purposely making the seal tighter So no actual human can open it without farting And then it's still basicly impossible I think the government should pass a law That prohibits this kind of practice To prevent us from ending up crying like a baby And sucking our thumb all cuddled up in the corner My dear wife decided to give it a shot And apparently with no struggle at all She managed to open the damn stupid thing As I always say, “I loosened it for you!” You can visit me in an old folks home 3:00 to 4:00 every weekday afternoon And between 1:00 and 6:00 on weekends © Jack Ellison 2014


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Nothing But Fig Leafs



They say Adam and Eve pranced around wearing nothing But fig leafs and the biggest grins the world has ever seen Imagine NO FREAKING RULES!!! All they had to worry about were those thorny bushes And the occasional lightning bolt accompanied by a loud booming voice Reminding Adam, “You owe me big time for this one, my friend!” Caine and Abel along with seven other offsprings Were the result of a lot of hanky panky Do you blame him??? He was the luckiest dude EVER!!! My question is, how did they keep those fig leafs in place Scotch Tape? Elmer's Glue? Velcro? Also why did they need those damn things to begin with There wasn't another living soul to be seen Imagine today, if we walked around naked as a jaybird The population of the world would soar from 7 billion To well over 20 billion in a matter of nine months counting twins I'm not saying we couldn't carry on as usual with our daily routine But perhaps the routine would be interrupted now and then I have a suggestion for future generations if this becomes a problem Think of Drew Carey naked! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Inanimate Objects



Have you ever had this happen to you? You're walking along, minding your business When a pole leaps out in front of you Rattles your brain leaving you senseless Inanimate objects aren't so inanimate It seems they have a mind of their own You're strolling along when a boulder appears Stub your toe and it hurts to the bone Sometimes when your patio doors are clean It's just like there's no glass at all With a confident stride, you slam into them Smash your nose and you try not to bawl You're running for a bus and then it happens You slip on a discarded banana peel You wind up with your bum high in the air Doing amazing acrobatic cartwheels You wonder how these inanimate objects Seem to know when it's right to attack It happens when you surely least expect it And your wheels come right off the track! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Oscar My Alter Ego



I've had an 'out of body' experience So you can't blame me for what I did My alter ego Oscar perpetrated the crime To do such a thing I'm too timid I'm totally innocent of this heinous act Must have been devoid of all morals Listen I still do have a few of them left With that you surely can't quarrel This heinous act of stealing a kiss Had crossed my mind a few times But being the timid soul that I am Never thought of crossing that line So I plead 'not guilty' to any wrong doing It was Oscar my mischievous friend Who tends to run amok every once in a while And I'm always having to defend © Jack Ellison 2014


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Long Live The Ladies, Ole



Someone mentioned to me quite recently They noticed 90% of the comments I receive For my poems here on the Soup are from the ladies Must be damn well doing something right!!! Now why do you think that is dear Soupers I'm not aiming particularly at the fairer sex Perhaps it's because I write with a bit of humour Which seems to strike a cord with the fairer sex Learned a long time ago you don't have to look like Brad Pitt Or George Clooney or Robert Downey Jr. To get the attention of the ladies You just need to make them giggle till they wet themselves! That sure made a lot of sense to me As far back as I can remember, I've always loved the ladies Can't imagine a world without them It surely would only be half as beautiful! Long live the ladies... olé!!! © Jack Ellison 2014


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A Gal From Orygun



Bought an extra supply of stuffing Cause certain gals keep squeezing it outta me Don't get me wrong, sure not complaining Bought some on sale at Target The stuffing department was filled with us poet guys All weak and hardly able to walk I wasn't too too bad But had to hold on to a salesgirl for a bit In fact she suggested I go to the stock room Open the package and put a bit in till I got home When I got there, there was a half a dozen more poets Stuffing themselves I said, “Hey, you guys belong to the Soup too?” All said yes and all knew this lady from Orygun If she loves you She squeezes the stuffing outta ya! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Making Love To Jennifer Anniston



After the Dominican with it's heat and humidity This is absolute heaven on earth Temps in the low seventies with bright sunny skies AND NO HUMIDITY Humidity's a killer as you all well know You can be sitting absolute still Not exerting yourself even the tiniest wee bit And still the sweat could be running down your face On men, it's manly On women, it's against the law For exhibiting such unladylike tendencies Women don't sweat... they perspire Bull crap! They sweat just like us guys Given the choice, though I'd rather perspire to death Than burn to death... no contest But when you get right down to it I'd really rather pass away making love to Jennifer Aniston © Jack Ellison 2014


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Montezuma's Revenge



Must stay close to the WC Senior Montezuma is laughing hysterically Thoroughly enjoying his revenge at my expense Didn't drink the water but it made no difference Been back home for almost a week now No relief in sight Getting skinnier by the minute Looking kind of emaciated and if you believe that Go some gorgeous swampland in Florida for ya I'm sure you'll be interested in Could starve myself for a couple of weeks And the word, “emaciated” still wouldn't apply I imagine Senior Montezuma is getting a big kick out of this Kind of a sick sense of humour I would say! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Ever Wonder What's For Din-Din



In the heat of a passionate encounter Do you ever stop and think “Wonder what's for din-din?” Seems all our thoughts and energy Are devoted to the task at hand, so to speak So much so that it feels like our head will explode Then that indescribable moment When the trumpets blow And a band of angels start singing, “Hallelujah!” Are we interested in who won the big game last night Or the political situation in Kazakhstan Well I can surely tell you here and now Because at that indescribably moment of joy I REALLY don't give a poop! The building could come collapsing down around me I'm intent on finishing what I started Come hell or high water Did you ever stop and wonder What's for din-din tonight? © Jack Ellison 2014


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Lewd Octopi

While scuba diving I spotted a couple of octopi.
They were right in the midst of doing the nasty.
I immediately got the hell out of the water.
A guy was sitting there on the beach.
I told him about the two octopuses.
The old fart was a very learned professor.
He smugly informed me rather sternly
that the correct terminology was octopods.
I threw the well educated smartass into the water,
to my surprise he couldn’t swim and almost drown.
A quick thinking lifeguard jumped in and saved his sorry butt.
Some nosy busybody called the local constabulary
and I ended up spending a week in the local hoosegow.
That, good people, is my roundabout way of telling you
that my long time in coming vacation really sucked.


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Sonnetina Sequence-THE RIPE ORCHARDS

September has come
and the ripe orchards
abundantly display their delicious fruits:
peaches of delicate rose,
and cherries of deep red!
Teens, with their empty baskets, 
anxiously run to pull them 
off the drooping branches;
and one of them yells,
" I have gotten the first one! " 



What a gleeful celebration for youngsters 
about to return to loved-and-hated school
with their band-new and heavy backpacks;
and they will write about these harvest's moments,
and wait with exciting eyes how their writings
will be scored by their teacher, and if someone 
should cheat, points will be taken away...so kids,
squash your curiosity and kindly behave!
All of them did their best in writing poems without rhyme,   
poems of a harvest with an aroma so fine!



The hot afternoon reddens the faces
of all the experienced fruit-pickers,
and these struggling young ones
can't speed up to their pace!
" Hurry, Jack...let Susan help
you with your over-loaded basket...
everyone has finished picking and gone! "
What a humorous remark that
even makes the sullen and tired sun 
smile...when his duty is coming to a sudden end!
 


Happily they trot out of the orchards, singing nursery' rhymes,
sustaining the heaviest load they have ever felt ,
not to let their baskets drop and give the watchful squirrels 
a chance to snatch some of the tempting fruits away!
And as they look up, dusk makes its appearance to scare them away!
And as if they were chased by unleashed dogs,
some fall, some run for their lives...an useless drama started by fancy!
Much fun they had, but unhappy about the bruises on their knees,
at least, they had one consolation: all the peaches and cherries they could eat!
And they laughed at each other, no one could ever forget about their fright!


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


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Naughtiness



The poems have been flowing like a river Must take advantage while it happens I think they say, “while the iron is hot!” Other very familiar idioms like... “A bigger bang for your buck” sure has sexual overtones “Take the bit between your teeth” Again, do they all have sexual overtones or is it me??? “Tail wagging the dog” uh-huh How about, “Wet behind the ears!” Sounds like someone has been keeping their tongue busy I like, “Peter out” Now if that doesn't conjure up an image “Wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole” YIKES!!! I wish! “A hard man is good to find!” LOL! Nothing to add here! “Make a clean breast of things!” No explanation necessary here either! “Middle for diddle” Now this one should be at the top of the list “Caught by the short curlies” OUCH!!! One last one... “Keep it under your hat” WOW! Now I'd sure like to see that!!! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Is Fart A Naughty Word



Is the word “fart” a naughty word Hope not... I find it cute and giggly But don't go by me, my mind is a little warped Words are just words with letters strung together Strange how any mention of our private parts Should never be said in public “Uvula” sounds really naughty But the dictionary describes it as “a fleshy extension at the back of the soft palate That hangs above the throat” Now if that doesn't sound naughty, I'll eat my shorts! Here's an old English expression... “bollocks” Of German origin... related to BALL And how about “tit” Again the old dictionary says “refers to a small New Zealand bird called a “tit” How can just three innocent letters strung together Cause little old ladies to titter! Last but not least we have “dong” Sounds like a gong as in a bell So I guess that's where the old expression comes from “I sure rang his bell! In closing, I'd like to say this I had a freaking good time writing this one But we all know what “freaking” is It's a sort of polite way of saying The granddaddy of all swear words Just seven letters starting with an “f” It's “farting” of course, what were YOU thinking? © Jack Ellison 2014