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Narrative Humorous Poems | Narrative Poems About Humorous

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Chopped III - Humor

i narrate me own story in a fake english accent. the bloody typewriter is 
broken, it can't capitalize. i'm out of coins for the heater. i can see me own 
breath. it must be really bad . it's summer here in london. i'm a tough guy who 
carries a gun. don't mean i don't want to look good. i freshen up my lipstick,
light up a cigarette and offer one to my secretary. she is hot really hot.
like i said it's summer. she don't wear lipstick it wouldn't help. in the 
encyclopedia under the word butch is her picture. 

i put out my cig in an ashtray overflowin. i'd tell her to empty it but she scares me. 
she only wears one gold earring. who does that? i'm workin on a case, already 
drank half the beers. by the way i'm a dick a private dick. the name is rock,
rock hard. there's a knock at the door. this could be bad she has two fourty fives, 
she's also got a gun. 

she's holding an airline ticket. no reason. she says she just likes it. 
whatever! maybe it has to do with some kind of contest. 
she says we're going for a ride. we are driving when she gets a flat.

i pump she pumps then we get out  of the car and fix the flat. never liked 
cars, horses are more convenient. less breakdowns. she takes us to a 
party everyone is jumpin for joy, so joy gets up and leaves. bet you wish 
this was going somewhere. it's not. like i said i'm a dick.


11~28~2014
Contest: Chopped III
Sponsor: craig cornish


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WARNING - CERTAIN POETS MAY WISH TO CHANGE THEIR NAME

Well guys I’m going to tell you a secret
You don’t really know me
I have not been honest 
I am not who I say I am
Yesterday I discovered the real me…
I’m a ninja – yes honestly I’m a ninja
I have proof from www.anagrammer.com
Ninja Salol …………………….…..Jan Allison

So I thought I’d have fun with a few names here
Hope no one is offended.. but they are quite amusing!

Casual Pull …………………...... …… Paul Callus 
Diarrhetic Ande ….…………….Andrea Dietrich
Archaean Cans …………… …….Casarah Nance 
Ard Man ………………………….......……. Armand 
Hmm is Tit  ……………………....…….Tim Smith 
Savour Hart ……………………...…. Arthur Vaso 
ill can Jokes ……………………....….Jack Ellison 
Hencoop Arse ………….….….…..Shane Cooper
Horny Rash Ram ……….………Harry Horsman
Lycra Nim ………………….…......……. Lyric Man
Go Mercurial Ire …………….….Maurice Rigoler
Peer over………………………......….….Eve Roper
Ramshackle Cure……………. Earl Schumacker
Salutes Sir…………………………....….Lei Strauss
Mercy Tis So ………….……....………Mystic Rose
Can Hear Microchip………Charmaine Chircop
Upgrade Gent…………………….….Peter Duggan
Warrants Done……………..….. Darren Watson
Sit Leprechaun................... Paul Schneiter



9th February 2015


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The Stoned Pen - Humor


I feel privileged. I have been chosen by the Government as part of a group testing something called Edible Clinical Marijuana. Honestly I half expected it to look like a Burrito because the name sounds sort of Mexican. It actually looks more like a brownie. I’m am about to take a bite so hold on. Yum, tasty! So here is the point I am suppose to consume one half of a brownie then fill out this sheet giving them my feedback. Hold on I am going to have a few more bites. Okay, no wait, milk would go great with these babies. I’ll be back. (after a long while) OK, sew sorry I was gonna while I was staring inside my fridge\ for a while' tying to remember I think I wanted a glass of ink% aktiually I’m dinking from the bodle@ I am eating my forth brownie as I was instructured to do; Did they say four or? ate cause these. are tasty And/ aaaahhhhhhh,, tasty^ tayysstee^ hahahahahahahahaha"" a program on my compuwhatyoucallit keeps underlyning my words with read squiggles= hahahahahahahahaha but it diidn’t underline squiggle# hahahahahahahahaha wel dats stoopid squiggle isa perfect lee good underlying word* stoopid Bill Gated^ hahahahahahaha?haha sorry I ment Will Gated~ so watt was I saying ] oh yeah+ fill the sheet) hahahahahahahahaha I don wanna sheet, tha is gaross[ heeres a pen quesshun= Sex easy! ansir; yes- please) hahahahahahahahaha ?why m i bein so polite hahahahahahahahaha queshun! oh wow Blues Brothers on my TV what was I spose? to do oh yeah watch tv why am i so angry hahahahahah++ hahahahahahahahaha i mean hungary haahahahahah h u n g r y dere hungry> hey look brownies? those look good hahahahahahahahaha i con't tipe with mai mouth full dats rood/rood i'll get bak too dis later.. sew as they say hahahahahahahahaha two bee contitnude< hay lookk browniies Mo Rice Why Vone 144~13~20/20 Sponsor: Carol Eastman Contest: Humor


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Adults Only A Sexy Write Just To Make Jan Laugh


I am dating a young woman and we are deeply in love. However, no matter what I do sexually, she never achieves orgasm so we decided to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listened to our story and suggested the following; 

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." 

We went home and followed the therapist's advice. We hired a handsome young man and he stripped off and enthusiastically waved a towel over us both as we made love. But it didn't help and still my lover was unsatisfied and frustrated. 

Perplexed, we went back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." 

Once again, we followed the advice. The young man got into bed with my lover and I waved the towel. The young man really worked with great enthusiasm and my lover soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm. 

Smiling, I dropped the towel, tapped the young man on the shoulder and said to him triumphantly...."NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel, son!!"

03~12~2014 dadickerector


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I Cannot Tell A Lie



Men's minds are devious at the best of times Also twisting their stories I should know, I'm one of dem der guys Pretty sure I'm no different than 98% of my fellow males It's inbred into our psyche and of this I'm sure We're really damn proud of it However I'm a straight shooter At the expense of my fellow males, I apologize Hate blowing the whistle on youse guys But I can't help it... as Georgie once said "I cannot tell a lie" Everything and I mean EVERYTHING That comes out of my mouth Is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth So help... Z-Z-Z-A-A-A-A-A-P-! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Whatever, Whatever, Whatever



Whatever turns your crank Whatever tickles your pickle Whatever dunks your donut Whatever waxes your dolphin Whatever buffs your Buddha Whatever pops your cork Whatever pets your monkey Whatever frosts your cookies Whatever spills your pills Whatever trips your trigger Whatever humps your camel Whatever melts your chocolate Whatever peels your onion Whatever chafes your carrot Whatever flops your mop Whatever rocks your socks Whatever teeters your totter Whatever milks your goat Whatever pings your pong Whatever peels your banana Whatever blows your nozzle Whatever tips your canoe Whatever flicks your switch Whatever zips your zipper Whatever blows your stack Whatever... whatever... whatever! © Jack Ellison 2014


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KIDS HAVE EARS THE SIZE OF AN ELEPHANT AND A MOUTH TO MATCH

I read Darryl Ashton’s poem Called Pinocchio Rex and this brought back 
memories of a childhood incident

When I grew up we had a smallholding – the house was called ‘Longacre’ as we 
had over an acre of land.  Over the years we had chickens, pigs named Pinky 
and Porky and a goat called Susie… she had kids called Billy and Nanny – guess 
I was no good at names back then… but I digress
Attached to the house was a small village shop but my parents also made a 
small income from selling fresh eggs and in the summer home grown 
strawberries – I would help pick washing baskets of them and bag them up to 
sell.
Every week a little old man would arrive for his dozen eggs and if the shop was 
shut he would ring the doorbell. He wore a pointed felt hat, had steely blue 
eyes and the most enormous nose you have ever seen. Unbeknownst to him 
my parents nicknamed him 'Pinocchio'.
When I was aged about 7 years old the doorbell rang – mum was busy baking 
in the kitchen so I answered it. There in front of me stood this old man wanting 
his eggs. Mum shouted from the kitchen
‘Who is it Janet?’ 
I replied ‘Oh its only Pinocchio’ 
At once mum appeared from the kitchen, her face was the colour of beetroot. 
She apologised for the comment from her ‘cheeky daughter’ The man 
purchased his eggs and walked away – never to return!
The moral of this true tale is that parents ALWAYS tell the truth and that 
children have ears the size of an elephant and a mouth just as big … so if you 
don’t want them to repeat something YOU have said keep it zipped!

Jan Allison
11th August 2014


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Stage Fright (for Frank's contest)

Jake took to the stage, limping with a leg brace
And more than a mere trace of fear on his face
The humorous speech competition was on
He’d made it to finals, prior contests he’d won

Jake’s lifelong bout with muscular dystrophy
Generated sadness and much empathy
He shook and stammered as he started his speech
Competitors thought his composure he’d breach

“Stage fright is shared by many,” the boy explained
And as he began, his eye contact seemed strained
We wanted to rush to his side, offer aid
Little did we know Jake’s point was being made

He’d soon have us laughing at the “crutches” WE use
To gain confidence when stage fright ensues
“I’m picturing you all naked,” he laughed, smiled
Soon his sharp wit had us rolling in the aisle

His strength and courage built fast as he spoke
Jake finished up with a memorable poke:

     “You thought I would fail; I read it in your eyes
     Seeing only my handicap, I realize.
     Those who can’t see beyond disabilities
     Are mired in self fear; YOU have MY sympathy.”

Out of four thousand entrants, Jake took first place
Impressing us all with his wisdom and grace
Oh, how we all cheered when his win was announced
Jake’s humor skills were by far the best pronounced

Today Jake coaches a college debate team
Having mastered the art of building esteem


*I was fortunate to see Jake give his amazing speech at the national collegiate speech and 
debate finals in Niagara Falls.  Like many others, I had feared he was truly 
experiencing “stage fright.”  But he used his humor to make us see that people often exceed 
beyond the abilities others think they have.  If he didn’t see himself as “disabled,” why 
should anyone else?  And what tremendous success he’s had in his career!  His message had 
a profound impact on a lot of other college students.  


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This One Is Just For Fun - Enjoy

A woman walks into a coffee shop, sits at the counter. Right next to her is a gentleman reading his newspaper. His face buried in his daily without looking he reaches out takes one finger from her Kit Kat bar. She can't believe what she just saw. Clearly angry she rustles the foil on her bar as she herself takes a finger to eat. A few seconds past Once again the gentleman takes another finger of the now infamous chocolate bar. Now the woman is furious she grabs his Newspaper out of his hands throws it on the counter. She then grabs a piece of his doughnut dunks it in his coffee eats it and walks out. The man is clearly in shock and confused but says nothing. He orders another donut and coffee returns to reading his paper. Meanwhile the woman heads to and gets to her car. She opens the car Now you can see it all on her face redder than a Kit Kat wrapper. Sitting in plain view on the passenger seat quiet and unassuming is her Kit Kat Chocolate bar. Poor man and he was so polite about it all.
Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014 This write is inspired from an idea I recently had for a Kit Kat commercial. You will never see it in a poetry book but hopefully you enjoyed it. Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014


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My Shortcomings

MY SHORTCOMINGS ARE OVERWHELMING - HOWEVER MY STRENGTHS ARE DEFEATING THEM - POETRY CONTEST
I stood there, ...slowly... I removed my clothes... you could tell that my date who was  about to see me naked for the first time  was...was...well...EXCITED! I was worried she would slide off her seat. shirt? gone! sexy... pants? gone! sexy... one piece long underwear? an obvious crowd pleaser I did not time it but it was a long time for her to get over her joy. at one point I think she stopped breathing she was definitely moved there were tears in her eyes I believe her hysteria was a nervous laugh she was laughing hard. long underwear? gone! finally naked I stood there exposed the look on her face  was not good, I am sure I could hear, a song blaring loudly in her mind "Is that all there is, is that all there is..." My shortcomings are overwhelming, I was embarrassed  I was angry I wanted to be mature about the situation, immediately, instantly, I stuck my tongue out at her, my twelve inch tongue, I think she noticed I could breathe through my ears her face lit up  once again she fell off her seat My shortcomings are overwhelming, both naked I started pleasing her she yells  "there is a God!" However my strengths are defeating them. that's it, Ok  you can leave now, Goodbye excuse me this next part is private, LEAVE!
17~10~2014 I am entering this write in the contest. When I saw the title of the contest this came to mind. I thought humor being my greatest strenght I would write this in an attempt to overcome my deppression thank you for the oppurtunity Verena. Laughter is the best medicine...unless your a diabetic... ....and then insulin...insulin is the best medicine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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The Jester Jack Hour



Hey everyone... do you know what time it is!!! It's time for The Jester Jack Comedy Hour Brought to you by "Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!" The makers of fine electric shavers Now I know what you're thinking, I have a beard Why would I need an electric shaver Well, I have very hairy arms and legs A massive hairy chest and arm holes As well as very bushy eyebrows and ear holes! Now on to the show... have you heard this one What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? Give up???... A STICK! Got a million of 'em Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana Dum de um dum! More? Okay... Do not argue with an idiot... he will drag you down to his level Then beat you with experience! Here's another... graveyard workers really dig their jobs A real groaner! Da de da de da da... da de da de da da Well that's all the time we have folks! So be sure to tune in next time To The Jester Jack Comedy Hour! © Jack Ellison 2014


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Comments

as far as making comments to other poets.
 i want to confess, it's only fair you all know.
first i read your beautiful work and honestly
 sometimes i even drool.

 i think of what i want to say. 
i create an original opinion then type it on a different page
 just for the heck of it.

 when i am finally satisfied
 i scoop my finished piece and post it here. 
so you see my friends  i have to apologize. 
as it turns out and i hope you can all forgive me.
 i feel so ashamed 
but
i cut and paste all of my remarks.


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U F O

Under the microscope we are under watched by a near by species

For some reason they think we are a life form that takes it to easy

Over the years we were abducted; that was a mistake the aliens became uneasy

Unique in several ways we are human and that they see we are strange

Fooling them we act very hostile yet our mindset needs be rearrange

Opening our minds they started to look, but our minds seems to weird and derange

Upset, the aliens take our species to try to understand

Freaks of nature we seem to gather with costumes and sounds of band

Old as time they been coming to our planet and this is what they found, like us, land

Unrelenting we humans seem to focus on a different path

Feelings we have the aliens do not understand what we have

Odd we are, we are the only species in the galaxy that really know how to have a bath

Unrealizable that we do adore the stars and lights in the sky

From all our studies we look up and see the lights that make our world, we cry

Only now we reason with the aliens we are fools in our world and we sigh  


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Burger Joint

Lucy and Matilda were on the job at the burger joint.
Bad boy Buzz Muldoon rushed in brandishing a gun.
Matilda kicked the would-be robber square in his junk.
Lucy bashed his head in with a badass ball-peen hammer.
The two hard working ladies continued cleaning up the joint.
They chunked Muldoon in the dumpster with the rest of the trash.
Lucy and Matilda opened the establishment without missing a beat.
It was just another typical day right here in the big bad city.
To be successful entrepreneurs in this old turbulent world,
you have to grow a pair of big brass gnarly ones, be you male or female.


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Wish I Was A Family Pet



I wish I was a family pet Whose only needs are to be fed And to unceremoniously Relieve themselves in the park I would of course be more discreet Now about licking myself In an effort to keep clean Hmmm might draw the line there Simply because I may injure myself Trying to reach hard to get at regions I guess I would prefer to be a dog Cats are certainly more sophisticated But full of their own importance When most dog species Are loveable and bowl you over with love Hmmm now that I think about it Apart from not having to wear a collar Perhaps I'd rather remain a human © Jack Ellison 2015


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LIGHTNING

When I was a young lad growing up
There were many things I wanted to do
Like riding a bronco in the rodeo
And growing a Fu Manchu
I guess most boys have a silly wish
I was no exception I had one too
To be allowed to cuss a blue streak
Or at least a bad word or two

But Daddy told me I better not
There would be a high price to pay
So I was limited to the phrase "good grief" 
The same line Charlie Brown used to say
Well there was nothing cool about Charlie
Guess Daddy didn't really know about that
But he said if I ever dare swore
I'd get struck with lightning and go splat

One day I was walking up my driveway
Playing catch with no one but me
Bored to tears with nothing cool to do
When I noticed the sky was totally cloud free
What was the chance of a bolt of lightning
Really striking in that painfully described way
If I was ever gonna chance a vulgar tirade
I thought it might as well be today

I started with a whispered swear word 
I waited to see if the clouds rolled in
But you know nothing at all happened
Across my face I grew an excited grin
Within minutes there were no more whispers
I was shouting long blue streaks
When behind me I felt my ear twisted
It nearly knocked me off my feet

It was Daddy and he wasn't too happy
He took me into our house ear first
Said we better not do this in the kitchen
Don't want your Mother's dishes to burst
So into the garage he marched me
Daddy took off his long leather belt
Said son, "Have I ever told you what I call this...
It's called LIGHTNING and you're getting dealt!"

3-3-14





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Clue

Miss Scarlet was driving her car across town.
She had a meeting with Professor Plum at the library . 
It was regarding a paper she had written in the study at home.
About the life of Colonel Mustard and the revolver he carried during the war. 

Mrs. White was on her way to the school. 
She had just left the kitchen,she forgot to put the knife away. 
So she slipped it in her purse, she had colored eggs baskets for her students.
It was near Easter and she was driving to the ballroom to set up for the party. 

Now, Mrs. Peacock was angry. 
She had brought a rope to use to tie up the hole in the hutch.
Her prize bunnies were escaping, her best sales were during Easter time. 
She needed to secure the hutch so that no rabbits would escape. 

Mrs. Peacock put a wrench in her purse to secure the bolts on the hutch.
Well nobody knows what really happened  next, they can only surmise. 
All they know is the rabbit was lying in a pool of Easter eggs and baskets.
Three cars were totaled in the accident, all of the women died.

What was peculiar was what else they saw.
A wrench,a rope, and a knife, were found at the scene. 
No one had a clue as to where, how, or why? 
In the meantime, Professor Plum was in the Library with the revolver.

2-27-13 



.


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Is Fart A Naughty Word



Is the word “fart” a naughty word Hope not... I find it cute and giggly But don't go by me, my mind is a little warped Words are just words with letters strung together Strange how any mention of our private parts Should never be said in public “Uvula” sounds really naughty But the dictionary describes it as “a fleshy extension at the back of the soft palate That hangs above the throat” Now if that doesn't sound naughty, I'll eat my shorts! Here's an old English expression... “bollocks” Of German origin... related to BALL And how about “tit” Again the old dictionary says “refers to a small New Zealand bird called a “tit” How can just three innocent letters strung together Cause little old ladies to titter! Last but not least we have “dong” Sounds like a gong as in a bell So I guess that's where the old expression comes from “I sure rang his bell! In closing, I'd like to say this I had a freaking good time writing this one But we all know what “freaking” is It's a sort of polite way of saying The granddaddy of all swear words Just seven letters starting with an “f” It's “farting” of course, what were YOU thinking? © Jack Ellison 2014


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Why Can't I Be The Real Me



Why can't I be the real me Instead of putting on airs to impress If I really didn't care what people thought I could go to the mall in a dress Right away I'd be labeled as kinda unusual To say the least I'd be mocked Teenagers would all point and chuckle at me Oldsters would be totally shocked Imagine as well if I dyed my hair green With lipstick a dark shade of pink Not saying I'd ever resort to such nonsense But it sure would make people blink To shock everyone with bizarre behaviour To act like you've gone a bit looney Imagine the reaction of these real snotty folks Might think they're filming a movie There are certainly limits for our behaviour We can't go naked in the streets Coz at times when a shapely woman walks by Oops... this line I had to delete! © Jack Ellison 2015


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My Aunt Willy Whos Silly

                                         

                                         She smiles all day she thinks it' s o.k.
                                       She makes weird sounds and it's all day
                         My Aunt I asked will you not make that silly sound today?
                            My Aunt looked at me and said why? she always say
                             In public she snorts when she laughs and I get that
                           But when things get out of hand she scares my the cat
                                    I have a cat but my Aunt well she kinda sat
                                      Poor little cat it was now a furry little mat
                          I get really mad at her, but she seems to make me smile
                      Because one day we walked, she sang me a song about a mile
                                   I was happy because she ran out of gas at last
                                She also could not speak at all, and that was a blast
                                                 Although she could not speak 
                                       She kept smiling she once never look bleak
                   My Aunt Willy who's Silly is the person who never does things in half's
                           I can not express any louder she makes me smile with laughs


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The Upsies And Downsies



Life is full of “upsies” and “downsies” When your “upsies” outnumber your “downsies” You'll know coz you'll go around singing all day If the reverse is true, you'll bite your neighbour's dog Also best to hide all the knives Lock your medicine cabinet filled with pills And throw the key down the sewer You can't be held criminally responsible For setting fires in the mall Or running nekkid through the streets Yelling, “I want my Mommy” So here's wishing your “upsies” are winning the battle It's actually been a while since I did that So they say there's still hope for me! © Jack Ellison 2015


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What Is Normal



A bit of tongue in cheek as usual! What is normal Normal is in the eye of the beholder Someone walking down the street devoid of clothes Is definitely not considered normal But who sets the standards Who was the first to say we must cover up That dangly thing down below What makes it so offensive Why does the sight of it make us uncomfortable If nakedness was all we knew from birth Then it would be quite normal Society for some unknown reason Aside from freezing to death in the winter Has dictated it to be beyond common decency Would we be having sex in the street Would our sexual urge overcome us Sure makes for some interesting debates I'd be all for nudity up to the age of thirty But then, for the love of Pete Cover up!!! © Jack Ellison 2014


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A Cow With A Green Eyebrow



Did you ever see a cow with a green eyebrow If you did, you'd best lay off the hooch Hooch in moderation is acceptable But if you see a pink elephant fly by your window You have definitely over indulged Another sign is when the things you say Don't exactly match what you're thinking Such as instead of saying, “You have nice boobs” You actually say “bice noobs” Has a nice ring to it as does “a great sackbide” Hey I don't make this stuff up you know! So getting back to that strange looking cow If you haven't been drinking... and you see one Run, don't walk, to the nearest shrink! © Jack Ellison 2015


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And The Well Was Dry



Went to the well and the well was dry So what shall I do, oh me, oh my My mind's in a quandary, what shall I do I fear I've run dry, I haven't a clue Is there some medication that I can take My mind's in a dither for goodness sake This surely can't be, I must go lie down Will try a wee nap, my mind might rebound Does this ever happen to you guys out there Is this an affliction uncommon or rare Will try it again gonna give it a shot Gonna go for broke, give it all that I've got So this should be easy, what rhymes with boy It's uh... hang on... my heart's filled with joy Hey, I think I'm finally back on the track I'm saved, I'm saved, the old Jack is back This smile on my kisser is here to stay Unless once again my rhymes they do stray It's a life or death issue so wish me good luck Sorry about this, for being such a schmuck I promise you friendlies from this day on It's all copacetic and everything's calm © Jack Ellison 2014


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Corny Dog Man

I am Corny Dog Man,
the fave Super Hero in all the land.
My main mission is to hand out free
cornmeal-batter covered foot long
hot dogs skewered on a stick
to every hungry girl and boy
in the whole wide blessed world.
My sidekick Honey Mustard Girl
is always right by my side
with the sweet tasty dip
for more added enjoyment
for all of my myriad of kiddie fans.
Never fear kiddos, I’ll be there to
make sure one and all will receive at
least one yummy to the tummy meal
before I fly back to Junk Food Paradise to
refill my Biggie Boy Backpack with many more
foot long corny dogs for your eating pleasure.


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The Ice Fairy Princess



Winter is about to hit full force It is inevitable but each year, us Canadian dudes Wish for it to be milder and less snowy than usual Can't stop us from begging the Ice Fairy Princess In her infinite wisdom and grace and beauty For just this one time to spare us poor citizens Of the True North Strong and Free A phrase that's part of our National Anthem They say we're a hardy bunch but as we age It gets tougher and tougher and tougher Okay... why don't I try this Dear Ice Fairy Princess, if I promise To be a good and honurable citizen For the whole of 2015 Could you please, please, send us an extra mild winter With just the occasional light snowfall In return, I promise to never call you that bad name again Yours truly, Jack xxx © Jack Ellison 2015


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Voting In America

Okay, my rat bastard
beat your rat bastard
in the most recent election,
so don’t you dare tell me
that your rat bastard
is better than my rat bastard
when I know for a fact
that my rat bastard
is by far the superior
rat bastard of the two.


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Grin And Bare It



Sometimes life can get a little rough “Grin And Bear It” Or should that be “Grin and BARE It” Sounds like good advice Grinning and baring it can be a whole lot more fun But make sure your friends have all gone home And the kiddies are tucked away in their beds fast asleep Before you and your mate start prancing around in the nude Doing and saying all those naughty things Like, “nice melons you have there my dear” This starts the whole proceedings She responds with, “nice frontal protrusion!” Immediately, the fun begins and the house starts rockin' All because you, “Grinned And Bared it!” © Jack Ellison 2014


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Adult Content - Your Tuesday Laugh

Tom Price phones up John Ely. 

"I hear you sell some of the best horses in the county 

I'm sending out my best guy if he likes the goods 
we're buying one of your horses. 

My guy is a midget with a speech impediment just to give you the heads up" 
he concluded and hung up the phone.

The stud groom waited until the midget knocked on the door.

"Hello, I've come to check out your hortheth", said the midget.

"Sure, do you want a male horse or a female horse ?" asked the stud groom.

"A female horth, pleath" said the midget, so off they went to look at the horses. One lovely well bred filly caught the midgets eye.

"Can I check her ears pleath ?" said the midget - so the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses ears, then put him back down.

"Nith ears.......... now can I look at her eyth, pleath ?" - once again the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses eyes, then put im 
down again.

"Nith eyth ............ now I'd like to thee her twat pleath"

The stud groom was shocked and a bit offended, so he lifted up the midget and shoved him 
head first into the rear area of the horse and put him back down again.

The midget coughed and spluttered, and then said....................

"Perhapth I should rephwase that...... can I see her wun awound a widdle bit ?"


16~12~2014






Details | Narrative | |

To Her Highness

These here are the facts, very nearly true, 
about this lady I knew who
ate kale. She thought it was good for you.
Of course she grew a bit mad, but that's not all, 
she grew far less short than she grew tall, 
and had more than a little way to fall.
So when she became not wholy sober, 
one day, one month, before October, 
surprise, surprise ... she toppled ober.
She claimed to be only a clumsy goose,
or did she get so tight her gait got loose
from that old familiar juice abuse? 
And ought her mother have taught her daughter,
that to keep more erect and grow more shorter,
she should eat less kale and drink more water?