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Lyric Humorous Poems | Lyric Poems About Humorous

These Lyric Humorous poems are examples of Lyric poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Lyric Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Light Poetry | |

Politician Chops A Tomato In His Kitchen, Another Politician Sips Tea In His Second Kitchen

Politician chops a tomato
in his kitchen
Now he's chopping a lettuce
in his kitchen
He's saying things at the same time
in his kitchen

He's endowed with multi-skilled sets
Yes he must live in the real world I've guessed
He can chop a tomato
And then a lettuce
And talk at the same time
I've never chopped a lettuce in my life
in my kitchen
I have chopped a tomato though
But it wasn't in my kitchen
It was in someone else's
kitchen
It was a pretty weird situation
That pretty weird kitchen situation is for another poem
And probably one you won't want to read
if  I'm being honest
So I won't be honest..honest.

Well that tells us all we need to know
I'm convinced
I always wondered whether he could chop a tomato
in his kitchen
It's not easy at the best of times
You know that
I know that
Let's not pretend
And he did it all in front of the cameras
in his kitchen
Chopping a lettuce truly earns my respect
And should earn yours too
A man who can chop a lettuce and talk about not wanting to be prime minister for a third term
When he's still in his first
To think that far ahead
in his kitchen
While chopping a tomato
and then a lettuce
in his kitchen
Talking at the same time
in his kitchen
About not wanting to be prime minister for a third term
When he's still serving his first
That truly earns my respect
Like watching a marine punch a gazelle..

And regardless of whoever's kitchen I happen to be in
Were I to be in your kitchen for example
I would feel that same swell of admiration
And I promise I would never chop a tomato
in your kitchen
And definitely not a lettuce
Just in case you're wondering
I don't eat lettuce
And even if I did
I would never chop it in your kitchen
Even if I were to be in a really bad mood..

And here's another politician
This one is in his second kitchen
Conversing with his wife while drinking tea
in his second kitchen
I know that could never be me
I don't have a first wife and I don't have a second kitchen
(and I don't really sip tea for I'm an uncouth gulper
probably my Indian upbringing)
Thus I could never be a democratic socialist leader
Although I'd like to be
Who could believe in me
When I don't have a second kitchen to sip tea in
with a wife which I don't have
Listening attentively to my democratic socialist thoughts
While sipping tea which I wouldn't sip anyway
Being more of an uncouth gulper probably because of my Indian upbringing
in my second kitchen
which I also don't have..

To be that man who can sip tea so nonchalantly
Not even in his first kitchen
But in his second kitchen
The one that he's not used to sipping tea in
That's beyond the call of duty
So beyond you
And me
So who really lives in the real world
Well I think that's plain to see


http://sukispangles.blogspot.co.uk

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

HE'S OUT OF MY LIFE

LOOSELY BASED ON THE MICHAEL JACKSON SONG SHE’S OUT OF MY LIFE

He’s out of my life
Because he’s got a wife
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
If I see him now I’d whack him in the eye
But if I had a knife
I’d pass it on to his wife

He would hold my hands
We’d make love on the sands
To think for two years he was here
He had the best of both worlds now he lives in fear
So I better not expand
Or I’ll soon be on remand!

So I’ve learned that I’m not his possession
And I’ve learned that this guy I hate
Now he’s gone and I’ve got depression
But I’ve learned too late

He's out of my life
Gone back to his wife
Guess I loved him but found out he lied
If I get my hands on him I’ll end up inside
And it cuts like a knife
But the rat is out of my life

Jan Allison
10th August 2014

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2014

Details | Haiku | |

The Internet: Rtrn

A void of Facebook
Creativity dies here...
Procrastination!

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric | |

I Am The World's First Selfie Poem

I am the world's first selfie poem,
Held aloft by the world's first selfie poem stick,
A look-at-me wordsmith pic,
Here I am fluttering beside Tower Bridge.

So here I pose on the left bank;
Here I'm by the Eiffel Tower,
Here I selfie seductively next to the shower.
Ignore the bidet -
Admire my framed parchment hanging above a plastic flower
pot.

Here I am analysed by a poet I barely know,
Here I repose at a jazz festival amid falling snow;
Fractal flake dew blushes my paper skin,
Ink suggestively oozing, blotting,
Have I been crying or exercising?

Here I am tender and damp,
Here I am sunbathing, drying beneath a lava lamp,
My words florescent and glowing,
Quite becoming, a little knowing.

Do my words look big in this?
Are my right words in the wrong order
a hit or a miss?
Am I a PUA verse,
Or a try-hard blow-hard piece of doggerel, cursed?

Here I'm a selfie poem looking for love,
Not a one-night-stand performance poem only read once,
Then abandoned, carelessly tossed away, orphaned on the street,
Clasped by a refuse collector with his selfie poem collecting stick,
Torn,
Unshared,
To be recycled, reincarnated, cared for, repaired..?

(for more of my humorous poetry go to: http://sukispangles.blogspot.com)

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Light Poetry | |

Pinhead Lizard

Pinhead Lizard
Ever since he was a young boy
He played with balls of fire
From church halls to Soho brothels
He must have had them all
Aint seen nothing like this pinhead
In any amusement hall

That deaf, dumb and dumber kid
Sure plays a mean ol shtick

He weeps at mother Mary’s feet
Becomes part of the molesting dream
Feeling proud at his insulting whit
This Pinhead lizard
Sure is a wee wee twit
The gods looks down in smite and anger

That deaf, dumb and dumber kid
Sure plays a mean mean shtick

He’s a pinhead lizard
Maybe he’s drunk and very pissed
That pinhead lizard sure has a mean twist

How do you think he justifies
God sure hasn’t got a clue
What makes him an evil lizard?
Should have made him into a shoe

Aint got no education
Can’t bear the voices of reason
Don’t see no lights bulbs in that ones head
Makes no sense, but tosses insults like stale bread


He thought he was the charmer
He’s just a pinhead lizard with no crown

Ever since he was young boy
That lizard never grew up
He defames Jesus and preaches
Are all the lizards this lame?
He has his flip flop slippers
No wonder he always falls
Never failing to de-fame

He’s a pinhead lizard
Maybe he’s drunk and very pissed
That pinhead lizard sure has a mean mean twist

Written Sep 14, 2001 Parody on the song Pinball Wizard and a video game at the time!

Copyright © arthur vaso | Year Posted 2015

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Call of the Alpha Male

Robin Hood, man in tights Julius Caesar, might makes right Alexander, called "the Great" Sitting Bull, righteous hate Robert the Bruce, Attila the Hun Charlemagne, Napoleon Hear the call of the alpha male! Warriors leave a bloody trail. George Washington, man on the spot JFK and Camelot Thomas Jefferson, renaissance man Abe Lincoln took a stand Ronald Reagan, Richard III Henry VIII, Harry Byrd Hear the call of the alpha male! In politics it's all for sale. Hemingway, Shakespeare, Kant, and Plato Chaucer, Shelley, Cicero, Cato Voltaire, Dickens, Rene Descartes Byron, Lawrence, Jean-Paul Sartre Hear the call of the alpha male! Some prefer to write the tale. Wolfgang Mozart, dead so young Leonard Bernstein's song is sung Picasso, art you love to hate Ludwig Beethoven, voice of Fate Bach, Lennon, and Shostakovich Monet, Manet, Buddy Rich Hear the call of the alpha male! Art and music fill some sails. Joe Montana, football star Michael Jordan raised the bar Wayne Gretzsky, Hall of Fame Jesse Owens changed the game Rockne, Ruth, Gehrig, Orr Chamberlain, Beckham, Man O' War Hear the call of the alpha male! Athletic prowess up for sale. Tyrone Power, Harrison Ford John Glenn, Sir Thomas More Edmund Hillary, John Donne Albert Einstein, Brigham Young James Dean, Alvin York Margaret Thatcher, Robert Bork Audie Murphy, Mohandas Gandhi Chris Columbus, Walter Ralegh Hear the call of the alpha male! Now it's time to end this tale. Woe to she who hears his cry, Destined, like as not, to die; For alpha males blaze bright and sweet, But she-moths burn inside their heat.

Copyright © Mary Oliver Rotman | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

Oh Uhura - To Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

There was a Starship Enterprise,
It was the ruler of the skies,
But you don't really care for sci-fi, do you?
With Captain Kirk
And Mr Spock
And don’t forget the trademark jock,
And there upon the bridge you’ll find Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura 
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

You’ll find Bones Macoy down in sickbay,
“I’m a doctor Jim” he’d say,
And cure whatever space bug ran through you,
He’ll banish away every cough,
Even if your name’s Chekov,
Or perhaps you might be sweet Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

To make the starship up and go,
The man you really need to know,
Is the Helm officer called Sulu,
But if it’s a message you’d like to send,
Then of course you can depend,
Upon the talented Miss Uhura,

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

Your voyage lasted three short years
But despite the trekkie’s fears,
It wouldn’t be the last time that we’d view you,
Of feature films there’d be twelve,
Before the franchise they would shelve,
But we won’t forget you dear Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

Oh Uhura

Copyright © Sharon Smith | Year Posted 2013

Details | Narrative | |

A HUMOUROUS NARRATIVE FOR LYRIC MAN

Dave made a comment about his cowboy boots so I simply had to weave this joke into a little narrative

An elderly couple moved to Texas and the old man had always wanted some cowboy boots
Guess he dreamed of being a cowboy and getting involved in shootouts
So he buys the boots and walks into the kitchen wearing them like a prize
He asks his wife if she notices anything different but she says nothing
He gets a bit annoyed, goes off and strips naked except for the boots
‘Notice anything different now?’ he says to his wife
She looks down at him and says…
‘What’s different – its hanging down today.. it was hanging down yesterday and it will be again tomorrow’.
Well he’s not too happy and says ’and do you know why it’s hanging down?’
‘No’ she says
‘It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new cowboy boots’
She doesn’t change her expression and replies
‘Shoulda bought a hat dear, you shoulda bought a hat’

Hope it raises a smile!

Jan Allison
18th August 2014

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2014

Details | Free verse | |

Weeding The Moonscape Of My Back Garden

Weeding the
moonscape of my back
garden,
Truly, it's a big
deal.
Weeding the
moonscape of my back
garden,
My nerves shredding:
The concrete weeds,
I steal
myself for this task
Herculean,
I've delayed, I
admit, for cosmic
eons.

Bravely, finally, I
resolved and booked
one week's annual
leave -
To prepare, to
recover,
From this task that
may take up to two
full-blooded
man-hours!

I'm impelled to
enquire,
Must I find the
power
to take on the
abysmal brat of
flowers?
Fetch me a flask of
sports energy drink,
Complex sugar, I
think, my devotional
shrink.

You see,
I write poetry, so
must I also do
things?
Must I really stand
alone on that flat
dune of grey,
Pockmarked with such
monstrous green
swaying?
The weeds, they are
almost thirty
centimetres, and
grimly rising!
I stare at them from
the window, I'm not
really crying.
Wouldn't you rather
I just wrote this
poem?
How many fresh dead
poets does the world
need?
I'd like to be a
living tragic poet,
not one that weeds!
(That's too tragic,
even for me).

And, look over
there! See!
I might get bitten
by that bumblebee!
And I sneeze like a
banshee when near
trees;
Sometimes three
sneezed sneezes I
issue near weeds.
Yes, banshees do
sneeze.

Weeds are angry
wannabe baby trees,
I'm feeling quite
I'll already,
So ill, I've just
spelt it I'll.
Now that's I'll,
Sorry, ill.
Where's my quill?
I need to scroll the
interweb,
Order some pills -
Those ones,
Exported from the
moon, made in
Hy-Brasil;
Those especial
potions you don't
require an ignoring
doctor to see,
I must have illegal
anxiety.
I'm a poet, it's my
job, silly!
And -
I. Don't. Do.
Wrestling. Weeds.

Yet, here I stand on
the precipice,
There they sway
taunting me,
The emerald streaked
posse of thorny
triffid pisse.

Well, here goes -
One small step for
man, maybe,
But one giant leap
for a poet such as
this..


for more of my
humorous poetry just
google Suki Spangles

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2014

Details | Lyric | |

Hot Love In The Kitchen

Inspired By T Rex 'Hot Love'

Well she's his woman of gold 
She won't do as she's told 
A ha ha 
She's his woman of gold 
She shouldn't be so bold
When her hands are that cold 
A ha ha 
 
She casts her spell like a witch
She's not wearing a stitch 
A ha ha
She casts her spell like a witch 
She's not wearing a stitch 
A ha ha 
She really knows how to love
in her marigold gloves 
A ha ha .
 
Well I’m faster than most and I cook a mean roast
A ha ha 
Well I’m faster than most but I still burn the toast
A ha ha
In my sexy purple nightie I look rather flighty
A ha ha

Well she aint no witch 
but she sure makes me twitch 
a ha ha 
Well she aint no witch
but she makes my life rich 
A ha ha
I'm her two cent prince
and I give her hot love 
A ha ha 
ow ow hmmm

La la la la la la la
Oooh ooh the things she can make me do
Oooh ooh She can lay me down 
A ha ha 
La la la la la la la 
ooooh oooh oooh 
La la la


 17th May 2014
By Jan Allison & Darren Watson

Copyright © JADAZZLE UNITED | Year Posted 2014

Details | Lyric | |

Cowboys Can Change

Inspired by another poem by another poet---------just for fun



Oh, I didn't know that cowboys
weren't respected and revered
John Wayne, when he passed away
Brought me close to tears
But now I know that people
Think we're all just trailer trash
So I've taken of my boots
And tossing out my hats

There's no more eating beans
upon these dirty plates
And movin' from this trailer park
Oh brother I can wait
But, putting cars on blocks
Oil changes in the yard
Stopping those activities
I swear it will be hard

Beer cans won't get piled high
In a pyramid, way out back
My pit bulls won't be barkin'
Always ready to attack
Soon I'll trade-in my pick-up
For a brand new SUV
And I'll become more citified 
For the whole dang world to see


I won't mistreat my woman
And call her an old cow
And I won't let my kid's
Ride a bull, or catch a sow
Oh, I didn't know that cowboys
Were just lazy and no good
So we're moving from the country
Right to your neighborhood 



Copyright © Jerry T Curtis | Year Posted 2014

Details | Light Poetry | |

I Broke The Office Paper Shredder The Day Before Yesterday

i broke the office paper shredder the day before yesterday
and needless to say
the cruel word has spread around the office town
i broke the office paper shredder
i arrived to work yesterday
and there was an awkward tea point silence
nothing was said you understand
but there was that definite vibe
similar to one of those who jammed the photocopier vibes
you know the drill
precisely like a more bloody episode of the wire

i opened an email
did you break the office paper shredder
did you inform anyone
it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it..so i'm guessing that means it took them up to thirty four minutes
..it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it
also you must have folded the paper in half before shredding
why
please respond asap
we never thought you would be capable of doing something so..
 
i responded guilty
i'm guilty and i'm sorry
i didn't know i jammed it
i'm sure the paper went through
and i never folded it either
or if i did it was an oversight
it wasn't on purpose
it's not like i'm some kind of terrorist
oh we'll be the judge of that
will you please step outside..
now as i have a day off today
i shall only find out tomorrow night whether
this case will be escalated
to the hr herbal tea bag jihadis
perhaps i should get the union involved
perhaps i should ask for a priest of my denomination
i'm in trouble
no doubt about it
it's karma isn't it
i will be reincarnated as a jammed sheet of shredded paper
and this poem won't help
it might make things even worse
as if they can get any worse
lord krishna please forgive me
i'll work on opening my third eye from tomorrow
i promise
i'll even work on opening my eyelids

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken  for nearly thirty five minutes
i received an email
i could see that all the important management people were also copied in
i'm gonna bleed
i'm wondering now
while on my day off today
who they have also 
forwarded and cc'd and bcc'd
no doubt you too will soon receive that email
loaded with coded comments not so veiled
i must take ownership of my sin
perhaps save myself from being thrown head down
in the man's recycle bin
it's morning but i need a drink

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes
they knew it was me
because they looked inside the shredder
yes they actually looked inside the shredder
and they recognised that particular brand of coloured paper
that we use only for the committee rooms
and they knew i would have been the one to shred those sheets
there's no point in denying it either
they might have already checked the cctv
it must gone down all csi
they must have taken prints dna ultraviolet
and as i live in the uk
i can't take the fifth or plea bargain
or drive to mexico
or become a guy stripper in vegas

where will it end
is this what i have worked for
is all this dust meant to only turn to
dust
the office gossipers have me in their twerking grips
those smirking smug ninja pixies
their dead eyes swinging from their hips...


on a positive note
although i'm a middle aged man
is this breaking the office paper shredder
that lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes remember
my rock star moment
will the office ladies see me now as that edgy guy
hey look it's that guy the he broke the office paper shredder guy
i just wanna rip my clothes off
i just don't care
a man like that loses control for a reason
he's probably misunderstood
he probably writes really deep poetry
or does something even worse than that
he has that tortured million mile stare and everything
and to think
i always just used to walk right past him
when will i learn
when will i learn..

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

The Morning Rain

Every morning I dance naked
Singing in the morning rain.
None are there to observe my antics
None to share a laugh or pain.

Well, the angels perhaps.
I'm sure they chuckle
When I reword tunes
From the radio's knuckle.

I'll sing opera, in my strongest untuned voice
With a cast of one, and an audience the same
Oh the cat?  Yep, he's both one and none
More interested in the craziness than the game.

He'll accompany me, sometimes (singing, not showering)
And mewl in his finest voice
Mostly he just keeps me company 
'Cause he can, by choice.

So before the sun is awake
And before the sky blazes orange and the stars wane
And before my waking dreams have faded
My song resounds in my warm morning rain.

Copyright © Matthew Wetter | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

My Bucket 'The Short List'

The day I turned the big 5 0
My friends all said to me
You got to make a Bucket List 
Of things to do and see

So, I sat there on my cozy couch
With pen and pad in hand
And wrote a hundred things I'm sure
No one would understand

The first thing on the list I wrote
Was simply getting High
I'd score some Marijuana
and give that weed a try

Now It's been ten years later
You would think I had some fun
And probably went through half my list
But, I'm stuck on number One 

So it's clear---this is a work of fiction---lol

Copyright © Jerry T Curtis | Year Posted 2016

Details | Lyric | |

KILL A BEAT 2

I bring hit after hit like a boxer
You haters' inconsistent
Everybody's on the same vibe
Mine's kinda' different
Verse hot, hook hot--
I'm gon' sellout soon as I drop
Verse hot, hook hot--
I'm gon' sellout soon as I drop

Minor in poetry, fine-arts major

Doctor goon on deck, call this a fear-factor

I'm going in, but I ain't got no curfew

I son a lot of you, it's like I birth you

Got a lot of verses, but this ain't a Bible

Fallout when you hear this, I ain't liable

Ain't talking 'bout tearing, but the beats R.I.P

Didn't sell a lot of tracks, but I got D.O.E

Put you up on game, my hustle's M.O.E

Music over everything, ain't moving 'D'

I got cash like the bank, I sell CD's

Smells funny, tickled my nose, I might sneeze

You would think I'm water, the way I flow

I'm just like some dynamite, bound to blow

Act like you're in a recliner, lay back

If I ain't on fire, then why they say that?

Feature, feature, can I get a feature

So far ahead I sit on competition--bleacher

My Raps' like a bunch of apartment buildings, complex

Got chicks on my jock', ain't talking 'bout sex

I'm so different, it's magnificent

Haters want me to fall, but that's not how the script went

Thing's fishy, I ain't gettin' caught in that net

Just killed the beat, without breaking a sweat

Copyright © Arcene Janvier | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric | |

My Pickup Truck

(song lyrics)
Verse 1:
Now I can’t go fishin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my rod and reel
Can’t go snow-racin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my snowmobile
And I got flaws - that’s for sure - and sometimes run amuck
But the final straw that I can’t take: Ya’ sold my pickup truck

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 2:
I didn’t care when ya’ bought that stuff on TV’s QVC
Or ‘cause ya’ always thought of me as your private Money Tree
Or catalog-orderin’ ever’thing from within ol’ Sears Roebuck
But I’ll be danged if I’ll sit still since ya’ sold my pickup truck!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 3:
So I went and saw a gypsy gal, and a curse on you imposed
To put sand in your chewin' gum and runners in your panty hose
And all your clothes and accessories to never, ever match
And chiggers in your bed sheets - so you’ll always have to scratch!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Verse 4:
I seen ya’ last Saturday night at Bubba’s Bar and Grill
The image of you in stripes and checks remains within me still
And them red chigger welts upon your nose and face
Tells me that the gypsy curse is workin’ ever’ place!

Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far

Copyright © Jack Clark | Year Posted 2014

Details | Light Poetry | |

I Had To Write This Poem

I had to write this poem 
because I thought of this one great line,
What do you think -
will it stand the test of time?

Well, I had to write it down
to deter other poets stealing this idea;
You know lines are clutched from the atmosphere,
Or they fall like apples, spill over like beer.

I had to write this poem,
Because I thought of this one great line;
Like a beat messiah,
My acid milk turns to wine.

And now I feel fine, and your pleasure
in my one sparkling line.
I had to write this poem,
Hidden in this gem of a line.

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

Those Younger Days

I used to be quite a character Back in those days when I was young When hanging out with all my friends We used to have so much fun Staying up all night Until we would suddenly see the sun Oh man I really miss those younger days Maybe gathering at someones house Whos parents would then be gone Turn the music up loud so when we got buzzed We would all start to sing along Some would take a toke or two And it would sometimes do them wrong But man I really miss those younger days When the party was over,you found a driver That's straight enough to drive you home You always make sure that you had one So you wouldn't be left there all alone Back in those good old days Nobody even cared about useing phones Oh man I really miss those younger days The next day you would take an aspirin Because that's what you did,to get through Not one of those pills or funky drugs That you so easily now get hooked on to Back in those older days That was all there was left to really do I sure do really miss those younger days
DannyBoy:1-18-13

Copyright © Dan Kearley | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric | |

The Pastor's Daughter Nelly

I’ll tell you all a story
Tis one close to my heart
Has love, Has life, It has a cow
A haystack torn apart
The man in question?
Well that be me.
The setting?
Cheltenham Town
So gather all, come, sit around
My tale I shall tell

Refrain:
Oh the pastor’s daughter Nelly
Now she was a lovely lass
Oh quick and witty as the lark
But stubborn as an ass
Her buxom form drove men insane
She let none of them know her name
And well she played them at their game
Did that there lovely lass

Now in that town there was a girl
Just where I used to work
Her Pa a Christian minister
Her Ma a moll did lurk
The cow they kept from nine till five
Was only just for show
Oh what a family they did keep
And now you all shall know

Refrain

Well home came John the night before
A tad the worse for wear
He’d been with Nelly’s ma he said
She’d legs just like a bear
We shivered and drew him up a pint
His story for to tell
when up he sprang and spilt the glass
A Wager! he did yell

Refrain

Three and fifty pounds he cried
For the bra of lovely Nell
Brought to me by sunrise boys
Or the wager’s gone to hell
Toward the door we all were bid
Each man was mustard keen
John he rubbed his hands he did
His plan was yet unseen

Refrain

I quickly made for Craddock farm
Where I knew young Nell did sleep
So soon I came upon the barn
And so began to creep
The darkness swarmed around me
I couldn’t see ‘out all
Save a white and lacy garment
Residing by the stall

Refrain

I moved to towards the brassieres
And felt the clasp behind
When skin touched skin
Dizzying, I thought I lost my mind
Then suddenly the loudest moo
Ye’ll ever likely hear
did echo round the stable
and deafened my left ear

Refrain

Out sprang Nell from the haystack
And slapped me well and good
The brassiered cow was most perturbed
And bolted for the wood
I stood in shock aghast to know 
what a fool that I must look
When in walked Nelly’s father
With aloft his holy book

Refrain

So now I wander banished
From the town I called my own
The clergy all now hate me
Though I am not well known
You’ll see me in the towns and pubs
With a wench or drink in hand
And so I’ll end my tale right now
Go forth,strike up the band

Copyright © The Red Rain | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, She makes sure I get my Viagra and beer.

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
Yeah, she makes sure I get my Viagra and beer.

We're like newlyweds. 
I need a break sometime.

Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14

Copyright © Robert Candler | Year Posted 2014

Details | Lyric | |

Rap Has No Ethnicity

Rapping has no Ethnicity be ye 
Greek, Jew, Afro, White, Hispanic, 
Chinese, Japanese, Other.

Yo man, go rap out the Soul.
Tell your story, cuss the enemy
In ways they can't understand.

These are the times when you
Get on the Move to Groove into
Real-time electronic technology!

Don't just go boom, boom, boom;
What the Hell is that?
Teach the Young dignity, respect
for others too.

Yacoo, Yacoo, a da da da, uh huh,
My child can't learn nothing from
That, so teach, preach, inform!

I like the beat, rhythm, mix turns
And twists;
But for heaven's sake let me learn
From your choice of words, how to 
Live in this World of ours!

Copyright © Rainbow Promise | Year Posted 2015

Details | Lyric | |

Real Deal Woman

Real Deal Woman
Flit

Now, honey don't you play around 
You know that it ain’t right 
You be the man who brings to me
A man-size... Appetite

Don't need to go so fast
Just let me set the pace
Turn my green light into Red 
There ain’t No need to race

I’m all that you need
You've already won
I’m all that you need
I’m your real deal woman

It’s something we got cooking  
mix it till it hits the spot 
because I’m full of loving
I'll keep it extra hot 

You’re fueling up my heartbeat
My engine starts to roar 
Cos now it's time to show you
You don't need her anymore

I’m all that you need
You've already won
I’m all that you need
I’m your real deal woman

I’m all that you need
You've already won
I’m all that you need
I’m your real deal woman

Copyright © Flit Flit | Year Posted 2013

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: III

Beauty of nature
Why condense it down to God?
Isn’t life enough?

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Light Poetry | |

In-Love Doggerel

You're a starship powered on Xanadu nectar;
I'm a pogo stick on coal.
You're a majestic arc of the milky way;
I'm a quark in an unsold cheese roll.
Your eyes launch songbirds and sonnets;
Come fly with me on my crackling comet.

Your hair evokes the erotic scents of perfumed night bazaars;
I exude burning tyres on torched, smashed deisel cars.
Beside you a pulsar is like a sorry matchstick spark;
As I stand in a room of moths,
I'm the dark.

You're the clearest proof if there is a God,
Their image is of your resplendent own;
I'm often asked to be the face promoting payday loans.
As you glide past men how their minds dissolve,
Their eyes kerbcrawl out their face;
I'm all Genghis Khan cologne liberally splashed over exploding beer crates.

Even when you sneeze,
You make this man go weak at the knees.
And if you had dandruff, as you brushed your hair,
Surely it would sparkle like snow through Swiss mountain air?
And that sliver of marmalade left on your cheek,
Reminds me of liquid gold encased in an amber hive of magic bees.
And when you carry rubbish to your bin,
I follow you just so I might fall right in.
Then, as you're unblocking the drain, really rocking those wellies,
I, like a smitten garden gnome, 
Wobble,
And turn to jelly..

Verily, Grace Kelly, may I be your Shelley,
Though you gaze rapturously at a shopping channel on the telly?

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2014

Details | Rhyme | |

PLAY-BOY 1

You know why I run game? It's 'cause I'm a player
I'm the night in shining armor, she's a dragon, I'm gon' slay her
That means when I beat it up, I'm gonna kill it
Tell her keep our business to herself, don't spill it
Can't follow directions, then it's on to the next
Hope you get the message, not talking 'bout a text

I sleep with more chicks than a night-gown

Without 'em I'm like a sentence with no noun

For those who don't know that means incomplete

It's a race to get 'em first, I gotta' compete

They wanna be on the team, tryin' to make the cut

True player, show no feelings, keep 'em in a shell, walnut

Females fill my atmosphere, they mean the world to me

I got damsels galore, it's always plural with me

Got gangs of chicks, which one should I bang

They're steady in my face, sort of like some bangs

Hate when they try to lock me down, I'm not in jail

She starts talking 'bout marriage, then I'm gonna bail

Sometimes I need my space, like a vacant lot

I hate being congested, like a nose filled with snot

Hey, stop bugging me, you startin' to act like a knat

Before you go, give me head, I need it like a hat

Copyright © Arcene Janvier | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse | |

Press The Button

As the blizzards of London continue,
To hold us to ransom with two-millimetre snow:
Arctic conditions in the warmer world,
'Tis verily updated Doctor Zhivago..

I accidentally press the "delete Facebook from the world" button,
And one-seventh of ecosystem disappeared,
All dissolved into a soluble realm, 
An aspirinless ether.

I couldn't locate the "I was only kidding, sorry. I didn't mean it" button, 
Thus unable to reset two billion souls into existence again.

One-seventh of the world's women and men,
And their press-ganged pets,
All who had up to, but no more than, five-thousand friends.

Facebook won't allow you five-thousand-and-one friends,
Because no-one needs five-thousand-and-one friends.
Even the most popular pets don't need five-thousand-and-one friends,
Unless they're celebrities,
Or their owners are celebrities.
Some celebrity pets even have celebrity owners,
It's an astonishingly small world,
For celebrity pets,
And celebrity owners. 

Sometimes pressing buttons isn't fun -
My hypnopompic number one.


Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Light Poetry | |

April Fools' Poem









                                                     .

Copyright © Suki Spangles | Year Posted 2015

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric | |

Oh Man I'm Going Hunting

I got my camo, got my ammo, gun, hunting boots an beer, gonna scare me a few critters as I hunt me down some deer. As long as the music's loud they'll be running in full fear, boys now watch your sites and we'll have happy hunting here. Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, God I Love It Out There I Do! Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, now what do I got to loose? My knife is razor sharp so I can gut them right on through, and my phone is charged up for the pictures to prove it's true. But that tin foil service out here cuts my bars right down da two. Got all my hunting buddies with me so what do I got to prove? Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, God I Love It Out There I Do! Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, now what do I got to loose? Well the trucks packed up an I got me a big ole buck, three years down the line finely came across some luck. As long as this big ole' Chevy doesn't get me near to stuck, couple months down the line an I'll be shooting at some ducks. Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, God I Love It Out There I Do! Oh Man I'm Going Hunting, now what do I got to loose?
Contest: Lyrics- By Anne Currin Dan Kearley:7-10-13 ©

Copyright © Dan Kearley | Year Posted 2013

Details | Clerihew | |

The Beautiful People

Marilyn Manson
No he wasn’t a singer in Hanson
An ugly song about beautiful people he did pitch
The effort not in vain because he got rich

Copyright © wayland bunch | Year Posted 2013