What makes the decision
To flick the switch
To end ones life
For the sake of it
Bullied at school
Fork in the road
To let death rule
Daughters and sons
What ever affects them
They just can't outrun
Sadness and tears
By all left behind
Will they ever understand
The ambient glow of the fireplace becomes hypnotic.
Home alone, always, without true love to snuggle me.
Each of many pains of night makes my mind neurotic.
Pathetic it may seem for a young and beautiful girl.
Alone again after years of searching; life becomes a whirl.
Incessant longing gnaws away at self-control.
Night brings its darkness to the weariness of my soul.
Satan takes a grip upon my sanity; I am no longer whole.
Oh, that I could find true love and live a life of joy.
Forever, I live searching, only to be someone’s toy.
Night without you, my true love, is a lonely curse.
If only I could find you, whoever you are, wherever you are.
Grateful love, come; I beg you and quench my thirst.
Heaven is but a thought away…as is suicide.
Touch me with your warmth; Save me and let love abide.
Where is the dream that I dreamt as a child.
I never knew that the world could be so wild.
Today is just one step in eternity, but forever alone.
How can I face another day; I know not!
Over and over the thoughts circulate in my mind.
Utter self-destructions seeming the only solution.
Then, I fear the great and dreadful consequence.
To live eternity alone would be unbearable.
Reality visits at the break of dawn, briefly.
Underneath these fancy clothes lies a broken heart.
Each day takes me to a new horizon…until night.
Loneliness tortures me; at dark I am immobile.
Oh, the pains of night without true love destroy.
Vitality sinks into Satan’s sullen ship; sips sorrows.
Everything seems lost, but I pray for true love, tomorrow.
Copyright March 8, 2015
Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest: The Pain of Night
Sponsored by Tammy Reams
her life is on the tip of his tongue
the sparkle leaves her eyes
an arrow to his chest
drawing her to her death
a feather falling from the sky
the death of an angel
her wings turn blood red
like the color of the red sea
the sword drawn out of the ground
by her own hands
what he could not do himself
she has done for him
He falls unto to his knees
the arrow she had put into his chest
the greatest of betrayals
She asked for her death wish
Holding the ring in her palm
He looks into her eyes
watching the love she had left for him disappear
Falling into despair
Her face hitting the ground
Blood surrounded her body
He watched as she died
He couldn't move from the love that had pierced his chest
Hounds from Hell take their toll on your soul
as you walk the mainstreet of mainstream
and watch Saturn and Neptune dance to a simple tone
of silence in the outer space.
As you sit in the middle of the world
free yourself from the sense of hopelessness,
only see yourself in the mirror of deception
as your reflection laughs at you and looks right through you,
and doesn't have remorse for what it says or does to you.
Hounds from Hell take your soul,
chock you, cut of your air,
the smog and fog blind you in the city of ash.
Hear the hounds from hell howl for your soul,
go now, barracade your soul behind sins and temptation,
Alone, listening to your soul die away,
watch love go away from you, with suitcase in hand,
picture frames broken and collect dust through the sands of time.
Till the cleaning lady comes on Monday, to clean the mess
that you left behind.
You are gone, without a trace of ever returning.
Looks of the Hounds of Hell came for you and stole you from
comfort and warmth,
till the sorrowed heart cracks and pain spills out
and you look at it all spill out over the floor.
The Hounds from Hell have paid a consumable harmage to you,
and your rich soul of sorrowness burns away... slowly.
Fear darkens souls,
innocent souls burn with a new day,
a slumber that has no end
with nightmares haunting every light of hope
there is left in this desolate Wasteland.
Fear and darkness tears a hole in the darkened universe
and we all go to hell to see the Hounds,
who come for us all.
The graveyards fill,
and death guards the tombstones of the dead,
and the flowers burn away on the feet of the dead.
Let's play a game
of Russian Roulette.
I'll go first,
you can pull the trigger.
Look me in the eyes
as the muzzle
the temple of my skull.
I'll probably be fine,
more than alright in fact,
as I watch you
It'll look like you love me.
It'll look like you care.
You are my apocalypse,
in your eyes I first glimpsed the end of the world.
I craved the destruction in your lips.
(I was well aware this was killing me slowly.)
Our love is my suicide,
my manifesto, so to speak.
You named my pain and told me it'll never fade.
You became the only way to numb it.
You're draining me, I know.
Consuming my mind and body with a well-time crooked smile.
I'm beginning to wonder if I mean a thing to you,
or if I'm just the means to your end.
Alone together we gasp for a cure,
thinking we belong simply because we don't.
Forcing together our broken hearts,
bandaging our scars to fake being complete.
You're messed up and I'm messed up
and this world is messed up, too.
So let's pull the trigger and cross the wires,
hands clasped together, we are the end.
i became a Christian... and now i realize... death is the only answer....
i hate to admit
that i live my life
it sickens me so
i found Christ
and i found him alone
i find it funny
that the church continues
to feel i should stay that way
they banish me
and see me as bad person
all because of what I've done
in my past
i love god
and i love Jesus
i cannot stand Christians
they are what first made me
what i used to be
is it fair to anyone
who wants to be one of us
has to feel so bad
at what the church says
he must become
people say to live by example
but what if the example
and what if the example
is what is keeping you from becoming
what your meant to be
the church, that is
to see such a beautiful building
and it have such a rotten core
if people could only see
that the church is not Christianity
theres no way a person in there will set you free
only one of them can
his name is Christ
i loathe the fact that some of the 'christians'
think they are so worthy
to save somebody
but they don't realize
they save nobody
only THE ONE can save one from the one they used to be
look at me
I do not know?
She came into my life
And seemed to end all my strife
But suddenly things started to change
Suddenly she began to act strange.
Over and over she lied
And every time I swallowed my pride.
Every time I let her back in
Even though I knew she was the daughter of sin.
She played me for a fool
Using me as her tool
To get what she sought
As I stood and fought
And I tried with all my might
To win this horrible fight
To keep her standing by my side
Then she’d become my lovely bride.
But she left as soon as soon as she came
And everything became the same
As it had been once before
And how it shall be forever more.
If she could only see
What she created inside of me.
She created a darkness that will last
And overshadow both my future and past.
A darkness that’ll forever be a part
Of my ever-longing heart.
I look to a future that I dread
With a gun pointed at my head.
Look at what love’s done to me
And try to learn from what you see
As I take my last breath
Knowing all my hopes lie in death.
Jab Meri Bechaini Mit Jayegi
Jab Mere Dilko Sukoon Mil Jayega
Yeh Khaalipan Mit Jayega
Do Pal Ki Chandni Ke Liye
Aj Bhi Zinda Hoon Main
Meri Khaamoshi Ke Ageh Aasmaan Bhi Khatam Ho Jayega
Kehne Ke Liye Toh Roz Marta Hoon Main
Thoda Aur Marne Ke Liye
Yeh Deewana Kal Phir Ayega
Put a bullet in my brain
as the rain sweeps her out of my arms
and places her into another's.
Put a bullet in my brain
for I don't want to see love slip away
please end my suffering,
for I don't want to dare see her in the arms of another man.
I fear the tear that slips away from my soul
and touches the ground with a splash
as she is washed away by the lashed memories of the rain,
please, someone put a bullet in my brain.
I can't bear to see her with another man
laying in his arms
as he charishes her beauty
just like I did to her.
As she smiles and laughs at his jokes
my heart would not bare the sorrow and pain
that would tare my heart apart into pieces of tainted love.
Please tell the rain to stop,
as the pain grows when rain comes down,
please someone end my suffering,
put a bullet in my brain
and stop the rain
that washes away every memory of her.
Stop saying you miss me
and just kiss me
for I can't take the pain
of the rain that takes you away.
Kiss me and stop saying you miss me
for those are useless words to me.
Love is where it's at, so show me.
Don't go with him, he'll treat you wrong.
Love and laugh with me till the break of dawn
as we yawn the long night away.
Kiss me and don't say you miss me.
For if you go away from me,
I couldn't bare to take a tear and waste it away.
Tears, sweet tears crying for you,
doesn't that mean anything to you?
I ask you, stop the rain,
stop the pain and put that bullet in my brain.
Let the red blood flow from my temples.
Let the plow dig my grave,
for I can't bare to see you with another
in his arms, him kissing you, where I kissed you.
I can't take it, I have to make it,
make that pain go away.
Prayer didn't help, God turned a blind eye
when I came up and said why!
Put that bullet in my dome
and when I lay in the coffin, looking at the roof of the church
you come and kiss me, and then you can really say
that you'll miss me.
DEVIL'S HIDDEN RANCH
Coyote howl, dogs growl
Gunshots, dead cow
Red barn left unlock
Horse shoe upon death's door
Tequila in a cup
Salt of cocaine, shadows of insanity
Guitar string, sad song
Bandit near the door, wife on the floor
Yelling out her name, he's gone insane
Loaded gun, life is done
Far and near ending his intoxicating fear
The road under the sun
A coward in his path
Responding to the Devil's wrath
In a Hidden Ranch in Mexico!!!!!!
You almost had me,
I wanted you,
The way you stuck to me like super glue,
I was feeling you,
But I knew,
I could never have you,
But, the way you looked at me,
The way my body pleads,
We can never be,
Because I’m too old,
And your only thirteen.
You have my soul, but you have your fate
Whatever your words, I’m willing to take
You have my word; I’ll give you my breath
It’s like a chain that would never be break
You are my love with all my heart,
I’ll fight for you with all my might.
And in the way, you admire your goals,
You hold my hands, but not so close.
As you go to your chosen path,
I’ll accept the fact that we will be apart.
In the dark side, I leave behind
Within my faith, that you’ll arise
Please don’t look back, coz I’m fighting still
I’m hurting so much! Don’t want to have you near
I accept my fate for what it does,
I’m bleeding so much, do you know for whom it was?
You reach your goals, as you want to have,
Would you remind the man that gave what he had?
As you reach the stars, and be the one
Be a sun that shines its own.
After the rain, the rainbow comes,
Like dark in the moon, when the light flash
A glimpse from you at least a short
For then I knew my pain is worth.
The signs started in December
When she started waking up in tears each night
She was a normal girl with dark brown hair and darker brown eyes
She had plenty of friends and a loving family with just one thing missing
Days passed by and turned into weeks but only felt like a few seconds
Her life just whizzed by faster and faster until it was just a whirr in front of her eyes
Darkness filtered into her heart and mind until she didn't know if she could go on
But she had to. She couldn't let her mother and her sister drown in this same pain
She wouldn't let them.
She pushed all the darkness into the depths of her own heart
In hopes to save the hearts of the two people she had left
Because what else was there to live for now?
The rest of her world had crashed and her mother and sister was all that was left
She wouldn't let them drown in pain too.
She watched as they started to heal in her loving arms
Their hearts started to lighten up once more
But hers was just as dark as it was before
And growing darker day by day
But she wouldn't let that stop her.
Suddenly a year had passed... and then two
It only seemed like seconds to her but everyone else started moving on
Her mother and sister no longer needed her nurturing care
But she needed someone to hold on to
With nothing left for her to take control of, the dark pushed past her boundries
It found a way into her soul
Until all she could see was dark and no light
But her mother and sister were healed now
They didn't understand
The tears came back and engulfed her soul
Bit by bit until she wasn't sure why she was still alive
The grief took over like knives
Piercing her skin over and over and over
It hurt so much.
She started to wonder what it'd look like to be dead
She could see him again if she was
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to endure this pain?
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to live knowing she'd never see him again?
So she started to hate herself
All that negative energy was starting to take toll
Everyone around her was breathing while she suffocated more and more by the second
She wished she'd just choke already instead of living in constant pain
If no one would put her out of her misery, she'd have to do it herself
She couldn't see any light anymore
So she grabbed the pill bottle off the shelf and just hoped it wouldn't take long to die
Deep down she still had a spark of light, but she just couldn't find it
And now it was too late in her mind to change, to turn back and try to look deeper
She was done living.
That's when people started to notice that everything wasn't as peaceful as it seemed
They started to see how deeply depressed she had become
They wanted to help her see the light again before it was too late
So they sent her away to see doctors and to take pills to make everything better
It was a start.
She didn't see a change at first but suddenly she could think clearly
Maybe what they were doing was actually going to help her see the light again
Yes, she still wanted to die, but maybe that wasn't the only option anymore
They cared, and behind all their own problems they were trying to understand
They really were trying
Six months longer she would be treated and cared for
Until suddenly she was sent home from her treatment and care with a smile on her face
She had a new perspective
Someone had helped her ignite that spark in her heart until it was a glowing ember
She had been reborn
Sometimes you have to be able to experience the worst of it
To come back shining brighter than before
And if she had died that cold day in October, she wouldn't of ever seen the best of it
Or known that it would get better
and it did!
And she now sits at her laptop, with a smile on her face and warmth in her heart
It's never been an easy road and it won't ever be
But at least she knows she's lived through the worst
And it can only get better from here
So whenever she feels lonely or gets back into that dark spot again
She can look back on what she's learned and can read this poem
And remember that she survived the darkest depths of depression
And she will continue to survive it as long as she lives
Because she is stronger now than she ever was before ?
my true love, why did you leave me this way
My heart will only fill now with sorrow
and no! I will not, look to where you have gone
I will not prepare for tomorrow
It has come to me, what last words I would say
as I lie here awake, as the night froze
the warmth taken from my heart this day
not to return as the new morn sun arose
I am sorry my love, that I feel this way
but now all alone, my mind it just roams
carry my thoughts to a place I may be
where I hope to feel loved and I am home
there is not one word, I could ever be told
take away a love, I will forever hold
the silence of your leaving was too soon to be
my last words, please forgive me
Take me to the countryside
where all the daffodils grow
fresh perfume saturating the air
dispersing sensational aroma
in the atmosphere.
Take me to the countryside
to inhale the balmy fragrance
of mother earth,
to walk on grassy lands
and hold each other hands.
Take me to the countryside
to gaze at the swaying trees,
and listen to them humming breathlessly
in the chilly breeze.
enchanting birds singing in the gusty afternoon,
dancing vigorously to their melodious tune.
Take me to the countryside
where all the natural things grow,
tangerine, oranges , banana and kiwi fruit.
homemade yogurt ,sweet yam
and fresh milk from grandpa’s lamb.
Take me to the countryside
to coalesce with earthy peasants,
to run up and down the cornfield
and waddle through onion beds.
Soak me in nature,
and replenish my aching soul
purge my agonizing wound,
and distill my sorrowful tune.
My soul yearns for spiritual fulfillment
to drown the chaos from the external environment,
mineral water and running streams,
strumming guitars and melodious flutes
are singing harmoniously,
and whispering the truth.
lead me to a place of comfort,
a place where I can breathe,
a place of beauty and incomparable dreams.
Take me to the countryside
to mingle with the animals,
to go horseback riding,
and camp on the mountain top.
Take me away from this hopelessness,
to a place of peace and quietness.
Take me away from this desolation
and find away to solve this confusion.
I want to be free,
free from this burden and misery,
so take me with you before you leave.
When I close my eyes and count to three
at the sound of the whistle
I charge you to set me free.
©2013 Christine Phillips
I do not know?
For the days when your skin feels inadequate
And you want to escape from it
When you've scrutinized every fiber of your being & want to trade in your reflection
When you don't look right juxtaposed next to the picture of that model
They tell you your skin is too dark to be anything pretty
And you're the guy in third block with the funny-looking glasses, the no-name brand clothes who loves to learn
Keeps to himself, never bothers anyone
But everyone bothers you
the girls don't pay attention to you except for a joke
And everybody cackles
jackals tear pieces out of you
Fist strike, blood runs
Eyes are red like stop signs,
But can't slow down tears as they speed down your cheeks
For the lonely times
When you can't find friends
In the classroom, hall, or your home
The times when your body, walk, slang, & style don't fit in and they tell you to cut yourself down to match a space in their jigsaw
"Be like everyone else"
Finding yourself in a world full of Viceroys
Imitations of Monarchs
society calling you caterpillar because you have yet to metamorphous into these half-clones they have never eaten the scales of King Billy but poisoned their originality all the same
And they want you to do the same
Camouflage colors and blend in
Nobody likes an outsider, and everybody's scared to be one
Some are cowards. Afraid to be by themselves
They want to fit in and be secure with undercurrents of self-consciousness
And be appeasing
Looking to others to feel justified in what they do, how they look, who they are
They can't stand alone
And for the times when you feel like an outcast
When you find disgrace looking in the mirror
And feel you deserve what they give you for simply being
Remember to be lion
Be a lion with no pride, but have pride all the same
Pride in yourself, how you were made
Be courageous, mighty, and strong
Even when you're walking by yourself
Strut with your head held high
Speak as boldly as a roar against the evening sky and proclaim your existence
Make everything feel your presence
Let them know that you can stand alone because you have no fear
Make everything in the room quake with fear & wonder at how you could be yourself so boldly and have no shame
Stalk the earth like you are entitled to it and refuse to hide
Hug yourself late at night when you have to
Fight when you need to
Let nobody drag you through the mud
And love yourself enough not to accept anything less than what you really deserve
& you deserve so much better
h when i was truth i fell
drew boy i grew up
still def still be a cre4ators tool
wipers for the pain tears drop
fear not, fret no baby worrys from the devil. whispers on my ear xrtays , be very afraid, cantrall camaflauge like a sand dollar, honor boy we descretion , a virtue is all im left now, we the still launching balls in the park, remarks, its remarkableaint it?deep all dark as the cell lights from weldsgenuine from the top to the bottom, weathered by the struggle tried and true i confess tyhe devil still got a bounty on my head here, Weapons come bring all even that
determination reaffirmed confirmation
dragged across the face of
the devil, and i will face him,
killer on a cutthroat, lost my chrome and prorellis,
tomahawk mechetes,common cause i blare on, bread and butter, married to love of, giving mary credit, everytime i ever said it, deeper than the message, freedom never said more, boy act like he badder, go for me now im bipolar facing all weapons like its the deepest ****ing episode, connection in the west, no nothing coming easy, friends spell finders,wilder than saying it aint over, i aint acting like im clean, babys body beating on my head whelps and melodies, def to a felony, boy consider carefully im more than just distant memories, more than u still feell, the crown on your head of a king i slam down, been down in this sound like seashells has been around, like it hurts well pain is my profession, still trying trying to perfect it, pros dont know whats pros and cons know, among those pics as fast a lens close, so i been known tell u motha****as i been known, still feeling likke i got a price on me, yea devils got a bounty on my head, ask my nephew, ask me and stars shine like scars be me traveling far to minds, reaching for more life treating this like im beast tearing out this town by its eyeballs, white squalls black powder , blast that ass like Im massive passions in acid baths,listen strictly speaking to the Masters, G-force and white noise creator of the devil salngs pain choice words Streets still speak ina deep voice, do u feel remorse, hear the men i lead hear me boy slient in a count down anticipation anger too got u making mistakes now, now now no i aint even dressed in your wardrobe, take the tie off, nical all nighters, alcohol graig them twist their ****ing minds up, listen if u got better hand, well stealth meet finesse's nails, i said i will, sett a trap and the net never catches me it never will, dealing with a hardhead, as i rain hell down soft my middle finger the taste of victory , that u still long for, flash that mercy and emergencys well dont freak out, i speak out
and put a X on a narc's head, boy im part metal, its what i teethed on, Like Im thuggish for accidents that the dicate the laws broken by a skunk, feel my blanco vendetta,as it shrinks your stature, just suppose I stole your power, well ***** u can have it back,
Life is so precious, so hard to keep.
Daddy died, a baby were discovered.
Secretly growing in my young daughters body.
A mixture of all cultures, all races but my first chance at a legacy.
The clashes in the mixture were brutal.
The blows were deep.
The killing words, the verbal harassments, the evil projected onto white faces.
A beautiful child, chubby cheeks, vibrant smile, loving nature searching to be accepted by those she loved. Asking little with so much to offer.
Oh how I love that child.
I want to protect her.
I want her to be safe.
I want her to know that someone loves her unconditionally.
But it is not about me..
She is now an adult...
I have no right to her business...
I can not save her life.
Whether this love can be transmitted over thousands of miles is the question.
Whether she feels this love...and the love of God that can pull her through.
My beautiful child.
Please find that strength.
Please recognize the beautiful person you are.
My love I can not find you anywhere,
I feel like I lost my soul somewhere,
because you are my soulmate,
and us being apart can not be fate.
You did not leave because you wanted to,
It just was just something you had to do.
I was not right, All I wanted to do was fight,
and knowing you was the love of my life,
yet I would not make you my wife.
I know that's what you really wanted
and now I am feeling haunted,
by the things I should have done,
and you being the only one
I ever loved and will love forever, if it was'nt for me we will still be together.
But you are gone
and I can not go on,
so I must say good-bye, I'm leaving myself to die.
he cradled me
the animals love you.
and if you stop crying
and sing to us
inhaled his breath
and believed that
if I breathe invitation
the wild wolves
howl while they prowled
it's not us they hunger
they seek the thunder
under the same sins and stars..
and for just a few minutes
felt the devils arms around me..
the rain washes us clean.
then one day
jesse was alone
the animals were sleeping..
as it rained
he blamed himself
for the health
of a sick earth...
got the bible
and his gun
closed his eyes and sung
as we scurried the floor
to gather his brains
and tried piecing his head
sat back against the wall
and tasted the blood
of an angel...
my finger still lingers
I do not know?
In high school everything changes
Teachers, friends, you,
“That’s just life” they say,
And they never stop to ask
“Well, how do you feel?”
And your friends leave, and your grades decrease,
And your teachers begin to worry,
And they make you see a shrink,
But they never stop to ask,
“Well, how do you feel?”
The sky starts to crumble,
And the tears begin to fall,
And music and hoodies become your best friends,
And they never stop to ask,
“Well, how do you feel?”
And the tools come out.
And the objects fall apart,
And you reach for the closest one,
And the ask, finally,
“Well, how do you feel?”
But by now it’s too late.
Your time is up, your blood’s run out,
Your scars show for the world to see,
Cause they asked too late,
“Well, how do you feel?”
“She was so young” they all say,
But really you were old.
You’d seen so much and hurt so much,
It was time for you to go.
So you picked up the pills and washed them down
And grabbed the blades and cut
And when they finally noticed you weren’t around
It was too late you were gone.
They found your letter on the bed
And read it out at school
“You asked to late, but I don’t blame you.”
And your friends were moved to tears.
In your tree house in the yard
They found you pale as snow
Your eyes closed, a smile on your face
And they realized you were gone.
They roll up your sleeves and roll up your pants
And scream at what they see
Lines, and lines, and lines of cuts
Some healed and some not.
And they realized they should have asked in the beginning
How you felt that is, cause,
Honestly you didn’t,
You didn’t feel anything at all.
Oh sea of love!
How bitter the mem'ries I have!
This place reminisce the pain
Of not seeing my love again.
Your birds up high
Remind me of his goodbye.
Your water so deep
Makes me yearn and weep.
So let your breeze blow,
And dry the tears that flow.
Let your waves take away
The griefs and sorrows that stay.
Oh sea of love!
Erase the mem'ries I have!
Wash them out of the blue,
Take them away with you.
Forgive me sweet, I fell in love...
For how was I to know?
That gentle thing, the dove of spring
Would overwhelm me so.
It swooped down if from nowhere
While my mind was out to play--
And now I love the all of you
Though you're much too far away.
The wind blew without warning,
I was taken dreams, away--
Where beauty is a common tale
And there are no words, to say.
And in fever, and in torment,
I have fallen for your voice--
You've set it free, the soul of me
And left me little choice.
Shall I take my life as lovers do,
Spread my broken wings and fly?
This insanity has conquered me...
Let me taste your lips, and die.
Gone With the Wind Contest
Sponsor: Jadazzle United
I do not know?
My future will not copy carbon cruel my past
No, nor trusting man with fallen promise patched
A wind exposed distorted tree
was all that was left before my feet
My heart and I have endured enough
We are tired my heart and I
It was not thus in that old time
such tenderness had no need to hide
Gone be the cowards whose love like famished leech
will suck the sweet and labored veins to bleed
Fool me once, then fooled me twice
'twas I the poor pathetic fool - deceived by count of thrice
We are all worn out my heart and I
Ah, but anger has kept me well
though be no hope in heavens sky
before the grave that bids farewell
Oh so tired my heart and I
too tired to long or wish to hide
'twas not the plan of his widowed bride
to waste the gift he set aside
In this abundant earth no doubt
Is little room for things worn out
and when that anger cease it's glare
of time past-tense will find me there
Displaced the faith of one so tired
in crushed and broken faith
My heart and I in cusp retired
for to fair the fight of the brave
Alone I lean upon your grave
to join my life that went away
Oh please I beg, bid me not to stay
for what soul I had has wasted away
Nothing will ever be what's right
the way it was meant to be
It was supposed to be "you and me
our babies, our FAMILY"
I knew I could not endure another failed attempt
to live the dreams that we had dreamt
We tried my heart and I
but now it's time to say goodbye
Our little men will be alright
life is cruel but they'll get by
Forgive me love, love of my life
We're oh so tired my heart and I
Eternally... and a kiss. Thy sweetest kiss, goodnight to what is not the living of life.
The Ash Can ©
I got the call on Sunday night. I was traveling on business. When I looked at the caller ID
I wondered why my husband’s boss would be calling me. I was unprepared for what
he told me and my legs turned to water when he said that my husband was dead.
‘A heart attack? An accident?’ I asked. ‘No’, he said, ‘John committed suicide.
They found him in your garage this morning.’ I heard someone screaming and
wished that they would stop so I could hear the rest. His voice was very far away
and the woman just kept screaming. ‘Shut up! Shut up!’ I need to hear. I clapped my
hand over my mouth when I suddenly realized it was me who was screaming.
I don’t remember hanging up or getting on the plane. (beat) Yes, John and I were having
problems and we had been separated for about three months but nothing was official.
After thirty years of marriage I never believed that we couldn’t weather this and share
the rest of our lives together. This was just a phase he was going through…some sort
of mid-life crisis. This had to be some horrible mistake, a case of mistaken identity.
My John would never do this, leave me like this. (beat)
I stumbled into our home around nine the next morning. The house looked like a woman
hadn’t lived there for months. Dirty dishes in the sink, groceries half put away, empty
beer cans and a full ashtray by John’s chair. Seeking comfort I walked over to his chair.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a reflection in the mirror over the
fireplace. Some wild looking woman with mascara smudges under her eyes and smeared
lipstick looked out at me. I walked closer to inspect this stranger in my house.
She looked old and used up. Who was she? What had life dealt her to look so worn out?
Oh, God, it was me. Staring out with those eyes bleeding hot, raw pain. (beat) I curled
up in John’s chair and closed my eyes. Was this all I had left of my husband? This slightly shabby piece of furniture that still smelled of him? How could I tell our children? Could I bear to go into the garage? What would I find?
I knew that they had taken his body away but what had they left there for me to see?
Maybe something there would prove that this was truly a mistake. I rose to my feet and
walked into the kitchen and through the laundry room to the garage door. (beat)
I slowly opened it and was knocked back by the remaining stink of gas fumes.
John’s car sat in its parking spot, the garden hose hanging from the back window like
some obscene snake. I gagged and pressed the button to open the garage door.
The passenger side window was open so I could look inside without having to touch the car. And what I saw on the seat told it all. There was John’s cell phone, an empty bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Excedrin. (beat) And something else…a second cell phone…what in the world? I was only allowed five seconds of blissful denial before it all came crashing down on me. The second phone…the secret phone that men who cheat keep to talk to their lovers. All those protestations he offered during the time that we were apart. ‘No, there was no one else’, ‘I just need to find myself’, ‘I don’t want a divorce’, ‘I just need some time’. ‘I love you; I’m just not in love with you.’ Lies, all lies! How could I have been so stupid? Then I notice a crumpled manila envelope on the floor of the car. Anger driven, I opened the door and picked up the envelope and the two cell phones and went back into the house. Sitting in John’s chair once again, I smoothed out the envelope and read what was written there.
‘Ricky, tell Sherry I love her. Tell Sherry I can’t live without her. Tell Sherry not to cry
for me. Sherry, I’ll love you forever. I’m sorry.....John-Boy.’ Who the hell was Sherry?
Did my husband of three decades kill himself over some tramp? Some other woman
whom he barely knew? I picked up the second cell phone and scanned the history of calls.
Where was area code 864? As I set the phone down my eye caught the partial title of
a book lying on the rug under the table. Picking it up, I read: ‘How To Keep A Long
Distance Relationship Exciting and New.’ I opened it to the first few pages and found an
inscription, ‘To my tiny dancer, until we meet again. Love forever, your John-Boy.’
My God, John, how could you? How could you do this to us? I yelled as I threw the
book across the room; will this hellish nightmare never end? (beat) I picked up the
cell phone and scrolled down the history; Sherry Hoffman, Sherry Hoffman, Sherry Hoffman, Sherry Hoffman. No other woman, huh, John? South Carolina…hence the long distance relationship…you’re such a fool, I told myself. There was voice mail saved and I listened to the most current ones. Those messages told a story of a married woman who had a son and a new grandchild.
Another sad, pedestrian story of a restless woman trapped in a loveless marriage but
unwilling to leave. The daughter-in-law apparently would not let Sherry see the child.
It seemed that John, in a misplaced attempt to help, called Sherry’s son to insist that
he let Sherry see her grand-baby.
Only to succeed in blowing up that family. The final message was not so sweet and
sexy from his lover. Sherry had dumped my husband. (beat) I didn’t know whether
to laugh or cry. I seemed to be trapped in a crazed, unbelievable soap opera. But what
is it that they say about truth being stranger than fiction? I sighed. John had always
wanted to rescue anyone in trouble…even when they didn’t ask for help. He had crossed
the line calling that woman’s son. Oh, John, what were you thinking?, I asked the empty
room. Didn’t you know? You were her dirty little secret.... (more)
(from my book, Monologues 4 Women)
Feel me standing there
on the draw bridge
that stands stubburn and erect
over the rushing waters blown by the wind
back and forth.
I listened to the crows
posted on gargoils designed
of eightenth century Gothic architecture
singing their death songs,
when the sun is setting in the far.
The voices of women passing
startle me with a feeling of sorrow
I can't breathe, I am dying.
Feel me, can you feel me rot away?
Slowly but surely rot away
as time passes with ease,
and taxi cabs take smiling, intoxicated faces
to wayward cafes, oh how they screech to a halting stop
and wave to me to get in.
"No thank you, I'd rather walk." I say to the smiling faces
highly intoxicated with the thought of the birds and the bees
rattling around in their empty minds.
Then they drive off, into the city lights and turn a darkened corner.
I look at the rushing water
and feel myself rot away
slowly but surely rot away.
Can you feel me?
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Feel my heart thump with slow paces
that manage to keep up with fast melodies.
Of songs that play in your mind
only the ones that make you sigh
and think those one days in Spring time
as you walked over the draw bridge
and paid no mind to the water underneth.
I hear no more talk of you and me, I hear no more talk
of the good old times we all shared.
Time has passed, as I take my last breathe
and hold my chest and shead a tear.
Feel me, can you?
If you can, put your hand to my weak heart
and feel it thump away with every second wasted
on useless items.
Now, see me a man of one time greatness
reflect his life with a reflection in the water below.
How I sigh and cry and breath heavely,
as I feel myself rot away.
The voices of woman pass me by.
Tomorrow is a new day,
for the smiling faces in taxi cabs will go home
and soak their raging hangovers with cool, wet rags.
As I still stand on the draw bridge singing with the crows,
feeling myself rot away.
Can you feel me without you, rotting away?
I surely can feel myself rot.
Such a heavy word, "rot"
So vulgare, yet a great description of me,
I pull out a shawl you once wore and I kiss it.
As the wind gusts and the sun rises and my shadow
comes to meet me, the wind shall take my last memory
of you away.
And I shall weep no more.
Then what will I do? Shall I walk the streets
and think of you.
Yes you, still rambling all throughout my head
like a lose screw.
Can you feel me? Feel me rot away
feel me think about you, and all your works.
Can you feel me?
Are You Happy With the Life You Have?
Are you truly happy with the life you have?
Or have you been discouraged and sad?
Have the things in life brought you contentment?
Or are you one who’s often filled with resentment?
The feelings you have, and the ambitions inside…
Is there some trouble that you’re trying to hide?
Everything you have… God has given to you!
His promises are true!
And he’ll never fail you!
The happiness you may be seeking,
you can find in him!
You can find peace,
hope and satisfaction within!
Christ can bring a healing that you won’t find!
Won’t you give him a chance?
While there’s still time?
What profits a man if he gains the world,
or loses his soul?
Jesus loves you so much!
More than you’ll ever know!
The opportunity is here, for you to take!
Won’t you give God a chance? For heaven’s sake?
By Jim Pemberton 10/14/13
You say you're ugly,
You say you're fat,
You say you hate reality,
but it's not just that.
You say there's nothing good,
you say everyone hates you
you say you can't eat food,
I wish I could help you.
Because in my eyes, you're beautiful.
In my eyes, you are perfect.
In my eyes, you are wonderful.
Please take the time to reflect.
You want to die,
I want you to survive.
You're trying to say goodbye,
but I'm holding onto the knives.
I do not know?
Well we are already a couple of months in so i just wanted to say welcome.
this will be a new journey for the both of us, so i hope it will be awesome.
I will try to write more than usual this year, I promise. :)
What would help tho if you readers would send me topics and stuff to help me write about things cuz my mind goes way faster than my fingers and i cant think of just one thing. lol. so thank you readers. plz comment and tell me your thoughts.