i don't want to be just marking
time. i died on november 20,
2008, during surgery. i was
on a vent when i awakened
december 2, 2008....my sisters'
birthday. what made me llive
i'll never know. i know there
are things to do on this side
i have no time for marking time.
i have a stupid bag hanging from
my side now. i am supposed to
"get comfortable with it". well
that was a laugh.
that was a laugh until i thought
of the people that had these
things with no hope of ever
getting away from them.
i am so lucky. 14 days i laid
on a vent, then 22 more.
i came home 3 days,
great pain in my chest...
well this is great i said,
a pulmonary emboli, 15 more
days, three days home.
then back to e.r. blood pressure
too high. this bought me
4 more days in e.r.
i am home now and finally
have spent 19 days home.
i feel every pain and i feel
every time that i feel good
yes, i am never marking
time again.....there is
something about fighting
for your life and your sanity
that straightens things out.
i don't recommend it but
i wish i could let your hearts
know what i know.
‘ Lord Alfred Tennyson … ’ (Classical-Tribute) 62nd Senryu
‘ The Charge Of The Light Brigade ’
Salutes … Six-Hundred
hands rub against plucked grain heads
-Inspired by Luke 6:1-11-
I do not know?
I do not know?
Keeping me ill for eleven years,
Makes me wonder why for so long,
Then I realize it was Your plan [for my life] all along.
You are so real, I can just feel
The safety when I ask You to hold me.
Faith in most people is dying,
Many people are crying.
Wonder where You are.
I don't like to believe scientists are perfectly smart
(Nor do I like to believe religious leaders are righteous),
Because I know that Your Power is at work.
You bring others home by making them die,
That way they'll never need to cry again.
You keep some alive from accidents,
So they can accomplish what they were put here to do.
I believe You're walking us through,
To the end of this World Age,
To Your Revelation,
To Thy Kingdom that's been longed to come.
Fist smacks chest, I double over.
Pulls my hair, wrenching me up once more.
Imprints his thumbs and fingers bones
Into my chin and cheeks,
Bruising - he crushes the virgin skin.
Presses his booze stinking breath against my face;
He bellows abuse and filth riled language toward me,
Fetch me this, no good for that, do it, bitch, do it now.
Dare not challenge for fear of what might come next,
Just do as he says, kids are in bed - at least safe.
Placate him, ease his soreness, feed him - Let him sleep.
What then? Tomorrow he'll be different - sorry,
He loves me and his children,
Just drink changes him - he becomes a monster,
Danger by night from chemical persuasion, intolerance, -
Surely not his fault - an illness - we'll get help.
Promises of love, of change; befall my ears next day.
We try again, but deep inside i know he's not ready,
Not ready to accept change and tolerance.
Not ready to seek the help of those who know more.
We don't go, queues for councillors months away, -
Time by which we think situation will have long passed.
How very wrong we could be as Friday nights pay comes in,
A familiar sickening pattern resumes. And fear sets in again!
Familiar prayer returns, as i ask to be a survivor. -
Oh Lord grant me just one more day, that I may live,
To find new hope, some where safe to lay my head.
To take the children that he may harm their gentle minds no more.
Send your soul to rescue us and free us to peace once more,
Only this time I will find the strength to go....Amen