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Limerick Funny Poems | Limerick Poems About Funny

These Limerick Funny poems are examples of Limerick poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Limerick Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Destiny Number 5

There was a winsome writer named Andie
who wrote poetry really Jim Dandy
with pencil or pen
she'd write her amens
For our Andie was truly not randy.



9/19/1948


Details | Limerick | |

His funeral

That he planned his funeral is factual
And being a prankster quite actual
He prerecorded his voice
So when we kneeled on the joist
He said, "Hi there! Don't I look natural."


Details | Limerick | |

A Stone Age Transport Woe

Wilma cried, “We are going too slow!”
But poor Flintstone could no faster go.
Not because of a flat. 
No, for nothing like that.
It was just Fred had stubbed his big toe!

Written Nov. 14, 2014 
For the Limerick Clean and Clever Contest of Roy Jerden
Yabba Dabba DOO!!!! And Boo Hoo Hoo!!!


Details | Limerick | |

Sweet and Salty -LIBRA TALE

      LIBRA  TALE

Sweet and Sour hectic sign
Love me, trust me, the stars align
   Balance of truth and dare
   Good and Evil, full of care 
Blind when it comes to blood line


 
:) PD


Details | Limerick | |

Valentine's Day Musings

All year long he puts my heart on a shelf
No surprise I’d rather be by myself
     If there’s no Valentine treat
     From this worthless hunk of meat
He can go on making love to himself

Remember there’s an “I” in Valentine
So if no one’s around to say, “Be mine”
     Just splurge – get a new hairdo
     Party with an all-girl crew
Check out the divorce rate and say, “I’m fine”




*For Francine's Valentine Limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Limerick | |

My Big Fat Cousin's Wedding

My favorite cousin named Marge is almost as big as a barge. So one would assume, not knowing the groom, the guy would most likely be large. But he was a small man named Tim “As thin as a broom” describes him. While Marge would guffaw, Tim would watch her with awe and just smile for he was so prim! When the preacher addressed him and said, “You may now kiss the bride,” Tim turned red, for their lips could not meet. With high heels on her feet, Marge stood towering over his head. She leaned down while Tim stood on his toes, but for being in such a strange pose, Marge then came toppling down crushing Tim neath her gown while the whole church erupted in “Ohhhhh’s.” All was well, and thereafter, we ate; then we planned next to dance until late. But none could foresee the small tragedy that had us all leaving by eight! Marge had tossed off her heels for a glide on the dance floor, but when they both tried to dance, Tim got snagged by that dang gown and dragged as his bride was beginning to slide. . . Now shoeless, poor Marge could not stop. Toward a table with candles on top, they slid, and the groom then set fire to the room by landing with a belly flop. Poor Tim by the candles got lit, and we were all having a fit, for the fire got spread fast till the Best Man at last got us all wet extinguishing it! Inspired by the title of the movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding & : Joann Grisetti's "My Cousin's Wedding" Poetry contest


Details | Limerick | |

Beatle Mania

Beatlemania (The Fab Four As Lovers) Once a choir boy, John turned to romance, Fell for Yoko almost at first glance. In full public view In bed with her too - Showed the world how to “give peace a chance.” Quiet George played much more than guitar. Lost his wife to another rock star. Layla left him because Of how hung up he was On the music he made with his sitar! Ringo acted in “Caveman” and met His wife Barb (once a Bond girl) on set. Though the film of this drummer Was dumber than dumber, Wise in love, he’s not left his Barb yet! A heart breaker, Paul left Wife "One" For Linda, and made her a vegan! On their farm smoking pot, They made money (a LOT)! He’s a genius whose life sure seems fun! written Oct. 13, 2013 for the BeatleMania Contest of Rhonda Johnson-Saunders


Details | Limerick | |

Dancing Fool

Auntie Matilda is a dancing fool.
She took lessons at a discount dance school.
When she does the hippity hop,
even babies beg her to stop;
but Matilda’s dancing makes old men drool.


Details | Limerick | |

Princess Needs A New Car

Princess just wants a new car.
I have told her that hers will go far.
'Oh, it's really not cool
driving this crap to school.'
'Do I need that emotional scar? '

'The kids will all laugh at the rust.
When we race, I'll be left in the dust! 
I will save up some cash
then we'll make a mad dash
to the car dealer surely you trust'.

'He will make us a wonderful deal
and I'm sure you will know how I feel.
I will love you so much, 
My siblings... I won't touch.
Just get me behind a new wheel'! 

Now she'll be cruisin in style.
She'll be happy for only awhile.
There will always be better
and we'll try hard to get her
a car that will make princess smile.


Details | Limerick | |

And She's Not Bad Lookin Either

Her Soup name we know as PD
Her REAL name is Linda you see
And Irma as well
Trevino! I yell
From my rooftop...Can’t hear me? (Poor me)

For a very special and loyal friend...


Details | Limerick | |

Big Bang

This is one laymans' confession
(I have this nagging obsession)
A huge mass of matter
Explodes in a scatter
Here is my 'ignorant' question...

From whence came this gigantic ball?
Just how did the whole thing befall?
What was there before that?
And before even that?
And so on and so forth, et.al...

Blank space, only vacuum you say?
Endless void? Flat nothing? Okay...
Is nothing just nothing,
Or ain't nothing something
And what made the nothing I pray?


Details | Limerick | |

Brother Told Us

Brother told us sometimes that he peed
sitting down with a good book to read,
but with his ding-a-ling
he was having a fling
when we spied on him.  Good book indeed!


Written 5/20/14 for Roy Jerden's Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Limerick Contest

By the way, from comments I am getting, I need to let everyone know this is simply a fabrication. My brother told us nothing, and we never spied on him. And our small bathroom shared by ten people would not have suited this purpose! hahaha


Details | Limerick | |

Blood on the Saddle

We are taking a long horseback ride
On the great continental divide
    They are singing "Mule Train"
    Just like old Frankie Laine
While my poor butt is wailing "Rawhide"

The guide's muscles are trapezoidal 
With ripples and bulges steroidal 
    All the bulges I find 
    Are inside my behind 
And for sure are all hemorrhoidal

I guess I'm a poor city slicker
Of riding I couldn't be sicker
    I would rather be home
    Where no buffalo roam
With sitz bath and plenty of liquor

The trail is finally on the last branch
All the bleeding at last I can stanch
   The guide said there's a hut
   Where he'll tend to my butt
Here at the Brokeback Mountain Dude Ranch

July 13, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Titillating Experience

Mom caught her boob in the washer’s wringer
Rotor made Mom an opera singer
    Tit for tat, she got redder
     Pop struggled with the lever
I pulled the plug, was able to spring ‘er

Wow!  Mum is the word on this awful day
We don’t refer to this deed of foul play
     “Hah! Your Dad’s a dud," she cried
     As with pain pills she was plied
Now under the radar Pop stays away




*Entry for David William’s Palindrome Mad Contest
By Carolyn Devonshire

Palindrome Words:
Mom, boob, rotor,  tit, tat, redder, Pop, Wow, Mum, refer, deed, Hah!, Dad, dud, radar


Details | Limerick | |

Runaway Train

An outdoor wedding, no sign of rain
The bride’s gown had a 10-foot train
     Crossing the lawn to her bequeathed
     Fido snatched the train in his teeth
And Pop watched eight grand go down the drain


Details | Limerick | |

Be Careful what you Hook

  I once heard of a fisher Luciano,
  who sang bass as he played on his piano.
  Once he fished and cast his line
  by mistake hooked his behind
  since that day, when he plays he sings soprano.

  How many syllables.com
  11, 11, 7, 7, 11
  
  11.11.2014
  Sponsor Roy Jerden
  Limericks Clean and Clever 


Details | Limerick | |

Black-Water Blues

Diz Cajonne dey call Thibodaux
Paddle dis girl in his Pirogue
Den he see dem unmention
Dad tool stan at attention
She slap him stick HARD doncha' know

Dad pole shrink awful fas he yell whoa!
Sha, whad did you swat dad ting fo?
Now it at parade rest
Like diz bird in a nest
She-say-"I-scared-a'-dem-SNAKE-buddy-ohh!"

PD's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Tim And His Kelly Green Mustang


I have a friend by the name of Tim, He keeps in shape when frequents the gym. His Kelly green Mustang he drove And smack'd it into a cove. The witches got him and ate one of his limbs! Dorian Petersen aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014


Details | Limerick | |

The Blond's Blinds

In the shower one day was a blond The door bell rang, she went to respond She shouted "who's there?" "It's the blind man" he declares "Hold on, I'll open the door to correspond" Seconds later she opens the door "Nice breasts" he says, as she looks to the floor "Here are the blinds you requested They have been hung and well tested Have you ever had blinds here before?" .


Details | Limerick | |

A golf limerick

While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral cortege was arife,

       his head bowed in prayer
       at this somber affair

to pay last respects to his wife!


Details | Limerick | |

Jogger and Logger

For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"

There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin


* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.


Details | Limerick | |

Catch of the Day

My passion for fishing is well known

But sometimes my catch brings a huge groan

     Octopus clung to my boat

     Dolphins around me did gloat

The queen of the sea had been dethroned



Sadly, a true story for Royal’s Favorite Sport challenge.
It took my 10 minutes to try and pry the octopus from
the back of the boat.  Each time I pulled up one arm, 
it slapped down another one.  They have suction cups on
their arms.  My article “Octopus on Board” was 
published in Florida Wildlife magazine.


Details | Limerick | |

Sleigh Passengers

Christmas finds reindeer landing on rooftops

Santa’s kindly added some extra stops

     His sleigh filled with travelers

     Scared of TSA handlers

Scoff as coal through government chimneys drops



*For Francine’s Christmas contest


Details | Limerick | |

An Unappreciated Housewife

He walks into the room each day at six
As around their Dad all five children mix
     He smiles at them with glee
     Meantime he sneers at me
So I get prepared to take all his licks

“What have you been doing all day?” he asks
No appreciation for all my tasks
     “Washed clothes and changed diapers
     Don’t need any gripers”
This insensitive father wears two masks

Each morning his breakfast is served on time
Later, vodka collins are served with lime
     He never shops for food
     Says my cooking’s no good
And when he bathes, the tub is filled with grime

My Mom said, “Men just work from sun to sun,
But a woman’s housework is never done” 
     I found a new game plan
     A hearty, handsome man
Together, my husband we could outrun




May 25, 2012
*Entry for David’s 3 H contest


Details | Limerick | |

Kayak Fishing Surprise

Ole Les set out by kayak from the shore

Big blue marlin rose from the ocean floor

  Nipped his bait, gave Les a tow

  Water-logged craft sank below

Friends shook their heads and said, "No Les, no more"



4/27/2011
Written for John Freeman's "Fishing" limerick contest
Okay, the man's name wasn't Les ,but this video shows two kayaks being towed 11 
miles by marlins.  I took a little poetic license with the ending too.  Both men 
survived.  If you fish you will be amazed by this video:  
http://www.youtube.com/user/KayakFishingTales?
v=FqVEvNocKTA&feature=pyv&ad=4751720259&kw=kayaking


Details | Limerick | |

From Mouse to Spouse

Through the window I looked one day
At a poor lassie in troubled display
She stood high on a chair
In such a terrified stare
Shouting "Oh! please, please go away"

I needed to view this even more
Running round I looked in the door
So afraid in her house
Of a little door-mouse
Sweat was running from her pores

So being the gentleman that I am
To get this damsel out of this jam
I said "Hey! furry dude
Please don't be so rude
For your scaring this poor little madam"

So I gently picked up the door-mouse
And kindly removed from her house
Her tears turned to joy
Throwing her arms round this boy
Not long after, she became my spouse








http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-4.php


Details | Limerick | |

The Sneaky Ninja Wannabe

There once was a ninja named Dwight
who sneaked into my house one night.
Bumping into my bed,
when he saw me, he said,
"I'd do better in here with some light!"


Category: Humorous


Details | Limerick | |

O Worldly Concept god

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
Thou that holds illusions in selling lies
    Max out your credit cards
    Lenders be holder’s lords
Forfeiting all bank notes as owner cries

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
My babies wonder about Christmas guys
    My babies’ futures be scared
    Must obey corporate lords
“O thou commercialized corporate lies”

Just commercialized greedy Xmas rush
Souls like zombies of  the corporate thrust 
    The X  of  the Christ
    O Love’s sacrifice
“In commercialized corporate we trust”

For Commercialized Humor contest
Sponsored by: Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Destryer Vs Gareth James (round 3)

For who is this poetry destroyer
A cop, but who else would employ her?
As she spies no end
No poet, she pretends
Vanilla ice in leopard skin fur.

You ask If I want mommies hug
wouldn’t that be nice, lovely and snug
You just want to hold me
Under that great oak tree
And kiss me on your picnic rug

You want the vultures to enjoy
My sweet flesh, is that your ploy?
Wanting to be them
Eyeing up my sweet gem
Tell the truth, you just want a toy boy 

Well our future together would be bright
Injets, pens and cartridges in sight
You’d color me in
Goodness what a sin
As I would always do the best write

Hang up your gloves as your are weak
You are also classed as an antique
A low blow I know
Don’t cry, don’t go
You can come back with a new technique.

If I don’t hear from the poetry cop 
I will know I have come out on top
Good bye little girl
Give us one more twirl
Now, this should be the final full stop (.)!

P.D, this is the first one ive done. Took me a while. Very good fun though. I kind of limit’s 
the write.


Details | Limerick | |

REAL CEREAL -TRIX

 **REAL CEREAL TRIX**

This girl  Rio's, packed lunch in a cereal bowl

Her language almost sounds like espanol

Adding chocolate chunks to her munch

Funny how she ate, cinnamon toast crunch 

The real TRIX is to add corn, in anything, NIKKO!


hahha kidding!


dedicated to RIO~aka NIKKO


Details | Limerick | |

Pumpkin Cake

There once was a girl from Arizona
Who could only fit in a kimona
She vowed to lose some weight
But loved all kinds of cake
Even drawn by pumpkin cake's aroma  

She vowed that she would be stronger
Would wear kimonos no longer
With cotton up her nose
From the table arose
Now in leggins she does saunter


Sponsor: Gwendolin R.
Contest:A Limerick In My Pocket


Details | Limerick | |

A Clean Hacienda

There once was a woman named Linda

Who would keep a clean hacienda

     Till four children she bore

     And then bore she one more...

She now has a different agenda!




                            Timothy I. Brumley


Details | Limerick | |

A Scolding from My Muse

For Miranda Lambert’s “Inspired” contest
By Carolyn Devonshire


I wanted to write for this contest;
But my muse was staging a protest.
     “Take me to the sea,” it pled,
     “In this house, I languish, dead;
Put me in touch with nature, a forest.”

“Don’t stare at a screen, confined by walls;
Locked inside, my inspiration falls.
     Surely there’s a babbling brook
     Or a valley’s overlook.
Give me something to work with,” muse calls.

“If you fail to respond, I’ll attack
As you’re sleeping in a room black.
     Thoughts you will never recall
     Cannot upon your page fall;
Without me you’re nothing but a hack!”


Details | Limerick | |

Red Moon

She laid on the sand in Cancun
On the nudist beach at high noon
   In the evening she strips
   To observe the eclipse
And outshine the other red moon


Details | Limerick | |

Crumb on my Pie Chart

Abusive soul who tormented my heart
I didn’t wait for us to drift apart
     I found inner strength at last
     So don’t look at me aghast
You’re merely a crumb on my heart’s pie chart

A defumigator removed your scent
Into the trash all your hunting boots went
     And those ghastly deer “trophies”
     Ablaze with your spoiled green cheese
Your firearms too in the bonfire were sent

Valentine, let me give it to you straight
Goodwill came by for the very last crate
     Maker’s Mark* for the homeless
     Now that’s ironic justice
Hope your new home in the tent is just great

You wrecked my car and destroyed my credit
So you got off easy from where I sit
     Not that you had much to lose
     Just hair, weight, someone to use
Cupid aims, may your hemorrhoids get hit!



*Maker’s Mark is expensive whiskey
Entry for Sidney~Lee Ann’s valentine to an ex-lover contest
Written January 17, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

December 21, 2012

The world as we know it will end!
This warning the Mayans did send
But yes there's still time
After reading this rhyme
To honor Black Friday and spend


Details | Limerick | |

Divorce and Remorse

Two hearts became one

Now they follow different paths –
 
   Divorce with remorse



He complained constantly of my cooking

Café reservations always booking

   Said I drove him insane

   But boy did he complain

When I left for someone better looking



The complaining has stopped, but the house is so quiet

So I pick up the phone, invite him for a riot



Haiku, limerick and couplet for the Divorce Club contest


Details | Limerick | |

Going Green Again

No, I can’t believe it happened again!
Surely folks think I stand out like Big Ben
     The Jolly Old Green Giant
     Snarls at me, so defiant
Green hair – and I’m not a comedian

It first occurred just before I was wed
Dyed my blonde hair brown; it turned green instead
     Now the chlorine in the pool
     Made me look like quite a fool
And I’ve no option but to shave my head


Details | Limerick | |

Truth

There once was a man from Duluth
who grew very long in the tooth
he lost all his hair
but he still had a pair
that randy old man from Duluth


Details | Limerick | |

Woosh vs Zroooom--a limerick joke

A vacuum cleaner should glide
And relief from messes provide
It is quite unlike
Harley Davidson's bike
Since the dirtbag's on the inside



Author's note: Someone told me this vapid joke at work today, so I framed it as above--enjoy!


Details | Limerick | |

He Tickled Her Pink

There once was a raven haired Shrink
Who had orange Juice Tequilas to drink

While her scarlet souled Beau
Sucked her tinted red Toe

And she paled when he tickled her Pink.


Details | Limerick | |

Trying something new

Trying something new , If you think you see something or someone you recognise .
It is purely coincidental.


I met a romantic queen
and made love to her in a dream 
Her mum said . Put him down 
Drive him out of town 
You've no idea where he's been . 

I have a friend named A.D.
I adore all of her poetry
Her writing puts me to shame
but when she mentions my name
I feel like she's flirting with me.

A beautiful lady named Nette 
Said she wouldn't be kissed for a bet 
but a gentleman I aint
If I kissed her she'd faint
and she'd be forever in my debt.

Our very good friend Tim
Swore a beautiful woman was stalking him
but since he's been missing 
He's discovered French kissing
Now our chances of finding him are slim.

I know a young lady named SKAT
When she makes love, She purrs like a cat
She is such a cute kitten 
I admit I am smitten
and I wouldn't mind hearing that.

We have a beautiful friend named F.J.
I asked what she knew about kissing one day
I could tell from her wink
She knows more than we think
and a lot more than she's willing to say.


LOL 
I'll work on it. 


Details | Limerick | |

Daylight Savings Crime

We gained an hour, that's fact.

Try to keep your emotions intact!

     I'm not sure how folks feel

     but it's not a big deal

So please don't overreact!


That extra hour is not a big thing.

No matter what excitement it might bring.

     Please don't be surprised,

     cause you must realise

that you'll lose it again in the Spring!


Yeah, an hour ain't really much time,

to write a good Limerick or Rhyme.

     The result, as you see,

     is a shame, shame on me

cause this Limerick is really a crime!








Details | Limerick | |

The Gnalsmoob

An old codger who farted a lot - of good etiquette didn’t know squat. When I met him, his nose started running. He chose his new shirt to wipe off all the snot! Well, a nitpicker also was he, and I mean it quite literally. He was picking his zits as he also picked nits from hair, lice-infested and filthy. With no 'shilly-shallying', I backed away from that creepy old guy, and I nearly threw up being offered a cup of his coffee. On top was a fly! *Gnalsmoob, my poem's title, is a word new to me. (from Urban Dictionary): A gnalsmoob is anything, particularly a person or creature, that is completely and totally disgusting, repulsive or revolting. Also, Gnalsmoob is boomslang, a type of venomous snake, spelled backwards, perhaps because a gnalsmoob is so ugly its appearance stings your eyes like venom.


Details | Limerick | |

Avoiding Amputation

I watched the sailfish spring from the sea

Had no wings, an enigma to me

     Why in flight did it embark?
     
     Pursuit by a great white shark

Its sail would soon be an amputee






Details | Limerick | |

Limerick 3

A very beautiful young  lady named Jan 
Explained the things she does for her man
I cannot believe what she said 
The vision won't leave my head 
If she wants to do it to me *She can.

A tribute to a dear friend .lol


Details | Limerick | |

Wrangler Favre

Brett Favre looks hot in his Wrangler blue jeans

You know that cool dude ate his spinach greens

     Has the perfect TV face

     With the girls he scores first base

If only he could master passing screens


* For the sports limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

A LIMERICK CHRISTMAS THREE (3) .

Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .


Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...


What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++  on the top of the tree .
 

A COOL YULE , TO ALL YOU GOOD SOUPERS.....



Details | Limerick | |

Affirmative Defense

Abel Cade got into a real deep blue funk,
Stumbled upon a road kill and ate the dang skunk,
Was right soon arrested by a passing Smokey,
Who threw his sorry behind in the local pokey.
Abel’s defense: “Don’t pick on me, can’t you see I’m drunk.”


Details | Limerick | |

Santa With Running Nose

Santa's red cap is turning blue
his nose running with Christmas flu
and the Doctor's advice
was "it will be nice,
wrap the gifts with natural glue."


Details | Limerick | |

A Big Sneeze

There was a young lady called Mae West
Who was famed for the size of her chest
She came down with Flu
Gave a big sneeze 'Atchoo'
And that was the end of her vest




Details | Limerick | |

Guiding Star O'er Washington

I pray a  bright star will shine in the air

    O'er Washington to guide some wise men there

        Bringing gifts of commonsense

            And harmony to dispense

                To a nation that is in disrepair

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

INNOCENT TYRANNONETTE


>>>>>>


TYRANETTESAURUS ~ LIMERICK



Cute baby tyrannosaurus nette

   gobbled bushy tree all curled and wet

        shocked mom screamed in vain

           trying to explain

her daughter swallowed their poor ole vet


                        •

NEW ERA ~ HAIKU


	
museums display

 relics of doc’s mashed bonies

  crowned with trophies


>>>


Contest of PD: Dinosaur-Quest
by nette onclaud







Details | Limerick | |

A Life Game: Greed

What will their eternity win?
Greed, as a vice makes some men grin.
Money is their God.
Poor folks bear guffawed.
Then games bring a different kingpin!

© June 1, 2011
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen


Details | Limerick | |

Gwen's Contest

Gwen’s contest sure gave me lots of trouble,
The entries made me laugh on the double,
As I have a cold
I laughed, cried and rolled,
Until alas, I blew a snot bubble! 



Thanks to Gwen and all you contestants for the entertainment! Loved this contest!


Details | Limerick | |

The Hereafter

He asked his flock if they believed in the Hereafter

     Amen, pastor, they said amid much joy and laughter!

          Hereafter, when the plate is passed

               I expect it to be filled up fast

                    For some reason chapel attendance plunged thereafter

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Crotches and Scotches

There once was a bold prig named Wiener
who had an unsightly demeanor
he took pics of his crotch
after two shots of scotch  
"Where's his wife? Well nobodies seen her."


Details | Limerick | |

One Night Stand

Their once was a girl in love
She knew he was sent from above
They danced, they sing they did everthing
But then he deflated in the tub


Details | Limerick | |

Debbie-Do Flew

As a girl in my teen I did stray
to the circus I did run away
I wanted to fly
high in the sky
But, Mother wanted me to dance ballet!

Yes Debbie-Do flew upon a trapeze
in sequined tights with a rod 'tween her knees
her hair in a tail
her cleavage unveiled
I was the toast of the town if you please!

As I preened on the platform up high
and powdered my two hands and my thighs
one fine reporter
said I really aughta
Try out for the circus in Shanghai.


Details | Limerick | |

PamelaKaye

There's a gal named PamelaKaye
Her writing style, poetic buffet
A sweet Texas tart
Who has a big heart
And a buttocks the size of Bombay


Details | Limerick | |

Young Lad- Limerick

There was a young lad named Terry
Bottles of booze he would carry
Was stopped by a cop
The booze he did drop
Now he no longer is merry


Details | Limerick | |

While Close Dancing

On the dance-floor they did a zigzag
But he was an ol’ scallywag:
-	“If you feel something hard
-	Pay no regard …
It’s just my colostomy-bag”


Details | Limerick | |

Well I declare

There was a young blonde from Stroud
Whose hair made her stand out in a crowd
Til my nail caught in a curl
I declare this ain't no girl
her trousers were standing out proud


Details | Limerick | |

Barky Von Schnauzer

At the risk of being called “rabble-rouser,”
I think poor old Barky Von Schnauzer,
should practice his aim,
his master to maim,
in the back end of his very best trousers!


My hero I would call dear old Barky,
if he could just muster the stealth of a sharky,
and covertly steer,
right straight for the rear,
of that great big old bag of malarkey!



I think I should send Barky a big four leaf clover,
so his bad luck would finally be over,
he could retire his fame,
move away, change his name,
to Bowser maybe Lassie or Rover!


Obviously I have been driven completely insane by that stupid t.v. commercial!
Happy St. Paddy's Day!


Details | Limerick | |

Calamity At The Castle

The king and the queen in a boat
Started lazily out of the moat
When the king got aggressive
'Twas very impressive
To see that the king didn't float!



"



Details | Limerick | |

Don't Disturb The Hive

Run, jump, scream, duck, dodge and leap 
Try to stay on your running feet 
Honey in the hive 
The bees are alive 
Run, jump, scream, don't fall and leap!


Details | Limerick | |

Slams Destroyed Her Head

Slams Destroyed Her Head

She was slammed by slam poetry, boo hoo!
Some folks wondered about the hullabaloo.
When bombarded with dread,
Sad thoughts destroyed her head.
Now, she thinks she’s a blithering cuckoo!

© July 17, 2010
Dane Smith-Johnsen


Details | Limerick | |

Sneezing Sneezing

I do not know from where and why I had
Caught this messy cold, one more woe to add
Sneezing, sneezing , I do my best
As the last, to enter contest
Because a placement  in Gwen’s won’t be bad.




By: S.Jagathsimhan Nair

For Gwen's Sneeezing Limerick,  Jan 10th,  12



Details | Limerick | |

Murder at the Prom

Murder at the Prom

Frankie Lyman shrilled his falsetto.
Gwendolyn Gould danced in stilettos.
So callously smothered,
they never recovered.
Poor little piggies, scrunched little toes.

©Kathryn McLoughlin Collins
March 11, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Hoover Havoc

There once was a witch in Vancouver
Who traded her broom for a hoover.
She encountered a glitch
When she turned on the switch
'Cause the hoover took off and pursued her.


Details | Limerick | |

Witch Bakery

There once was a witch whose pies
Were unique as to flavor and size.
When she opened her ovens
She delighted her covens,
With dozens of old crusty guys.


Details | Limerick | |

The Birds and the Bees

There once was a bee named Betty
who waxed warm for her friend Freddy
after a smoke
she got a poke
Now Betty is married to Freddy.


Poet: Debbie Guzzi
Contest: Birds & the Bees

PS don't smoke and don't poke and you won't get pregnant!


Details | Limerick | |

Heart-less

I once had a bold Valentine
who took me out daily to dine
he fed me cold beans
and now in my dreams
I gas him for wasting my time!


Details | Limerick | |

RETALIATORY REPERSUSSIONS

 A young fertile mother begat

Triplets , called Tim , Tom  and  Tat .

Great  fun  at  breeding .

Confusion  at  feeding .

When   she  found  there  was  no tit~for~tat ..


Details | Limerick | |

Just Desserts For Unfaithful

.
  Any pretty woman turned his head
  He liked them all so it is said
  Then one day to his surprise
  They no longer caught his eye
   His sexual desire totally died


Details | Limerick | |

Lord Harry's Front

Old Lord Harry put up a good front.
He hid socks in his pants as a stunt.                        
But, his Lady swore
as argyle hit floor
that no organ was found to be blunt.



6/17/14

It seems some did not get this poem so a wee bit of 'splaining is above for all you Desi Arnez fans.

Definition for 

FRONT - noun the side or part of an object that presents itself to view or that is normally seen or used first; the most forward part of something. [i.e. the front of his pants]

FRONT - noun in a military sense the front is the FIRING LINE
FRONT - a fake or false personality

This poetic devise is called a double entendre [a play on words]- a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

ORGAN - is also being used this way - The human penis is an external male sexual organ - as well as a musical instrument made of pipe

ARGYLE - a pattern composed of diamonds of various colors on a plain background, used in knitted garments such as sweaters and socks.

or ARE GUILE - someone who is sly or cunning 

even the word BLUNT has another meaning here since a BLUNT sword would be of little use


Details | Limerick | |

Who Cares

Mama wants to talk of birds and the bees.
Wonder why she wants to tell about these.
I know that birds sing
And honey bees sting.
I'd rather fly my new kite in the breeze.


Details | Limerick | |

Snappers

There once was a Chick from the sea
whose two buxom breasts were set free.
Twin seaweed straps snapped
as thunder clouds clapped
and the sailors drown ecstatically.


Details | Limerick | |

OLD MELON

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.                                               


Details | Limerick | |

A FATHIMA - LIMERICK .

The poetry priestess Dawood 
Donned her Bowler ,as only she could .
But a bad Irish breeze
Jellied her knees .
Still her squiggly scarf wrapped her  GOOD !!!!


Details | Limerick | |

As I've Grown Older, I've Found

As I've grown older, I've found,
that my body has gotten more round,
as I try it,
another new diet,
I always add another pound.


Details | Limerick | |

AHEAD OF HIS TIME

Young Shakespeare didst say to his tutor,
"Methinks I wouldst be much astuter,
And per chance, I wouldst say,
Mightest write a screen play,
If some fool wouldst invent the computer."


Details | Limerick | |

LANCE THE DANCER


There once was a guy whose name was Lance
And all this man loved to do was dance,
If you beat on a drum
Or just twiddle your thumb,
Lance would jump up and he'd start to prance.


He danced from morning into the night
He'd leap in air like a bird in flight,
He never got tired
And always was fired,,
Until one day when he lost his sight.


Have you ever seen a blind man dance?
Well it was a sight, that cane and Lance,
He didn't want pity
Though it wasn't pretty,
When he toppled loosing his balance.


He'd jump right up and continue on
And nothing could stop this dancing prawn,
He taught us a lesson
That there is no reason,
To end what you love before you're  gone.


Details | Limerick | |

GREEN SLEEVES

Jack Daniels could grow very mellow;
They called him a jolly, good fellow.
But, strange as it seems,
The good fellow turned green,
When he fell in a tub of lime Jell-o.


Details | Limerick | |

IN THE GRAVY

The sea was unusually wavy,
When a cook in the Royal Navy,
With a roll of the ship,
Accidentally slipped,
Inundating his captain with gravy.


Details | Limerick | |

Valentine Rejection

Roses are red and pink and yellow
Go find yourself another fellow

You promised you'd lose a ton of weight
By February of 2008

I don't want a gal in a size forty dress
If I wanted a monster, I'd visit Loch Ness

So very good wishes on this Cupid's Day
Go look for a guy who cares not what you weigh


Details | Limerick | |

BYE, BYE, VI

An eccentric young lady named Vi
Got it into her head she could fly.
So, in spite of her shrink,
With a nod and a wink,
She went sailing away through the sky.


Details | Limerick | |

THE DANVILLE ANVIL

There once was a blacksmith at Danville
Who made so much noise on his anvil
That the neighbors, one day,
Quietly hauled it away,
And bulldozed it into the landfill.


Details | Limerick | |

SUPER CHIEF

An Indian chief, named Bold Eagle,
Once lived with his faithful old beagle.
He maintained his station,
Without reservation,
In a style that was in tents, but regal.       


Details | Limerick | |

for The Pun Of It

For The Pun Of It (Limerick Suite) There's the absent minded professor He was a known fancy cross dresser Male or female who knew He walked funny too Leaving everyone a guesser ~~~~~~~ Franky wiener loves to eat hot dogs It makes him jump high like big green frogs The onions and relish Make his stomach hellish Ate to many, now feels like the hogs ~~~~~~~ I'm leaving you all my possession First I have to make a confession But you must promise me Pay all my bills you see If nothing is left blame recession ~~~~~~~ Sherlock Holmes said I've seen that before Doctor Watson try to find out more Do you know what I mean? But you must not be seen Until we get to the final core ~~~~~~~ Erich J.Goller Copyright 3.1.2011


Details | Limerick | |

Offshore Fishing Adventure

So far offshore, but nothing was biting

Six-pack behind me looked so inviting

     New rod I placed on the deck

     Though it was just for a sec

‘Twas then an amberjack hit like lightning


The buoyant rod bounded over each wave

Determined, I vowed that pole I would save

     Spun my boat in fit of rage

     Against this fish, war I’d wage

An Ahab-like victory I did crave


With a gaffing hook, I retrieved the pole

To catch amberjack, I’d be on a roll

     Barracuda caught it first

     Fell overboard, then submersed 

The ‘cuda eyed me as his dessert goal



*Entry for Frank's "Summer Memory" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Bad Day for a Bike Ride

Bad Day for a Bike Ride
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

He rode his bike up the hill,
Amazed that he could do it still.
On the way down,
A surprise he found,
He experienced an unexpected spill.


Details | Limerick | |

ZOO UNICORN

     ZOO UNICORN

Seeing the posting of the zoo unicorn
Could not wait to go see his horn
My eyes just could not believe
The boy I had  been deceived
Poor horse got thrown a lot of popcorn


 a Linda-Marie   = (contest) =


Details | Limerick | |

Pancakes

The Pancakes are ready to eat
My Granddaughter's help was so neat
The eggs she did crack 
The smiles did not lack
As eggshells were part of the treat

© 2013 Rick Zablocki 

My 4 year old granddaughter helped me make breakfast this am, pancakes from scratch.  Lots of fun.


Details | Limerick | |

Green Beans

There once was a lad who loved beans,
But only the ones that were green.
For breakfast, dinner and lunch,
Even for snacks and brunch,
All he wanted to eat were green beans.

He planted a garden of his own,
And green bean seeds were all that were sown.
Row upon row of beans grew,
Much more than a few,
And he picked them when they were done growin'.

Once picked he would snap them all up,
And measure them out by the cup.
He cooked some with a ham,
Turned others into jam,
Then invited his friends to come sup.

Now, his friends thought him a mite queer.
His diet of green beans caused some fear.
If green beans were all he ate,
What would be his fate?
'Cause he's starting to look green 'round the ears.


2/1/13
for Isaiah Zerbst's Irish contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Monkey see Monkey do

I’m a monkey who lived all alone So of I went and got me a clone He looks just like me Moved into my tree And now he wants a clone of his own


Details | Limerick | |

GONE FISHIN'

At the Salvation Army I found a cool shirt
What was once a Bass Masters Tournament perk
Wore it on a recent flight
Was asked fishing advise all night
Thinking this cheap shopper a fishing expert!   

Limerick Poem

*What's ironic is I'm probably the worst fisherman on the planet and here are people asking me for advise because I purchased a $1.98 shirt :) I told them the key to fishin' is to think like fish.  Apparently that was brilliant :). Then I told them the truth.  Many good laughs on the plane.

Contest: Gone Fishin'
Sponsored by: Caleb Smith


Details | Limerick | |

Gnarly Balls

Gnarly balls, gnarly balls,
Vladimir Putin’s got gnarly balls.
He wrestles bears
But he’s losing his hair.
Vladimir Putin’s got gnarly balls.


Details | Limerick | |

Monkey See

Monkey See~

There once was a monkey named Frank
Who loved to walk the plank
He said too many jokes
Pulled too many hoaxe-s 
Ha! Ha! Ha! Then he got a good spank

*

Who's that monkey in front of me
I dare to hang with you on a tree
Oh! What I do? Will you do?
Together we are like glue
Is that my flea or your flea?

~ Skat ~

Contest~


Details | Limerick | |

My Alien With a Cat's Face

From a planet which must be more fun
than the one called “Third Rock from the Sun,”
came an alien that
had the face of a cat.
In his hands he was holding a stun gun!

“Constellations -for eternity-
In a spaceship I’ve traveled,” said he.
“Though I look like a dork,
I could be a cool Mork!
May I stay? Will you be my Mindy?”

“So you know 80’s sitcoms!” said I.
“You sure are an interesting guy.”
“Yes, he said, “Earth’s TV,
with my technology, I can watch anytime that I fly!”

With this cool alien I now dwell,
and we both get along very well.
He’s no need for his gun,
for with me he has fun
watching shows that we both think are swell.

And we’ve flown now to many a place
like the moon and around all of space.
This guy from afar
is my SUPER STAR.
He’s my alien with a cat’s face.


Written for the Spaceship Contest March 11, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Run Santa Run

I glanced into my rear view mirror and what did I see?
A big old chubby Santa Claus was running after me.
I stopped to find out exactly what was up.
He wanted me to refill his frigging coffee cup.
I told him I was caffeine free and gave him a glass of green tea.


Details | Limerick | |

Honey Bun

There was once a man from Thomaston
He called his wife honey bun
His knee joint went out
In pain he did shout
Viagra's  no longer number one


Details | Limerick | |

Epitaph of a run-away bride

Here lies a woman of hedonist fame,
her Je ne sais quoi had no restrain.
Any man who proposed
found her not so disposed
and never could find her again!

Thvia Shetley
October 30th, 1969 - TBA







*It's just better if I don't explain.... *grin*  (who says you can't make fun of yourself?) 










Details | Limerick | |

A Farmer Named Brock

There once was a farmer named Brock
Who was proud of his timely cock.
‘Cept it rose too early
Surprising his Shirley
On the day we turned back the clock.


Details | Limerick | |

The Chocolate

The Chocolate!

She is a deliciously smart gal,
For each and everyone's her pal.
Be it in the brownie or cake,
Or the icy cold milk shake.
She sure can change everyone's morale!


Details | Limerick | |

A Club Sandwich

There once was a woman named Tracy

Who wore clothes that were a bit racy

     Till she got drunk in a club

     And was mistaken for grub

By the wolves who thought her quite tasty!




                               Timothy I. Brumley


Details | Limerick | |

The Aunt Dance

An Italian once courted my Aunt

Who was bitten by ants in his pants

     So he screamed, "Mama Mia!"

     "I got the gonorrhea!"

That's when he learned the frying pan dance!



                            Timothy I. Brumley


Details | Limerick | |

papaya dilemma

There once was a girl from Manila,
who wanted her chest to be bigga,
two papayas she bought,
prayed she wouldn't get caught,
but one sagged as she walked to her fella



** Jan 16. 2011

!!not me!! not me!!! >.<  hahahahah

--thank you Andrea for the tip on the count :D 

for Debbie's There was once a man from Dunkirk contest :)


Details | Limerick | |

Nary A Nibble

On the lake with expensive gear I troll

On the bank is a kid with willow pole

Much to my chagrin

He's hauling them in

I can't get a nibble to save my soul

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in John Freeman's "Limericks About Fishing" Contest - May 2011


Details | Limerick | |

Hook, Line and Sinker

The fishing of Scotland's coast
To be honest I have to boast
Please come take a look 
And dangle your hook
And join me in traditional toast

My favourite place is called Dunnet Head
With many species it has to be said
One just dangles their line
Hey presto! see what you find
It's a bite, not the weight of your lead

But sadly there has been some stinkers
When the fish must have been thinkers
For many times we did try
In us they espied
Wasting our time dropping our sinkers


Details | Limerick | |

Fly In His Soup

Clyde found a fly floundering in his soup

   This discovery threw him for a loop

      He summoned the maitre d'

         And that pompous ass, said he

           "Don't worry! He'll die if he eats that goop!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Macho Bee and Lady Bird's Jungle Fever

Macho Bee had a really big stinger.
Lady Bird, when aroused, was a singer.
When they heard her loud COO,
all the wood creatures knew
that first date must have been a humdinger!

For Royal Trevino's  Birds and Bees Contest
 
and now for Nathan's Limerick Race Contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Strange Foods

 
Our Congress has been overlooking

The wisdom of old Granny Lu-Ching

       She was full blooded Chinese

       And said, "Beware strange foods please

 Of crooks that won't eat their own crooking!"



                                    Timothy I. Brumley


Details | Limerick | |

Shout 'Foreplay'

I learned to golf the following way;
That after each stroke you shout, ‘foreplay!’
Then when you get up
You shoot for the cup,
And if asked give an instant replay.


For Craig's Golf Limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

ALTOID SALES ERRUPTED




Bill (in) Hillary? A turgid question.
Monica eased prostatic congestion.
His Altoids improved the taste,
while her dress absorbed the waste.
Her mother kept the prized possession!


*For the “Political Woes” contest.    You can’t make this stuff up.


Details | Limerick | |

The Golf Practice

The Golf Practice

By Elton Camp 


Sue hit the ball with a mighty swing 

Didn’t know problems it would bring 

Although Ms Sue had called out “Fore,”

It crashed through a window next door

The owner yelled at her, “Stupid thing.”



Details | Limerick | |

Makes No Sense

I believe in God.
I'm glad that I'm not bald.
A dollar's a hundred cents,
This poem makes no sense.
I hope you're not appalled.
I love the zoo.
Where's Timbuktu?
Billy's my name.
Wanna play a game?
A baby is brand new.
I have a phone.
Granny's not at home.
Can you build a bomb?
You're talking all wrong.
I'm glad that I'm not grown.
Your hair is so soft.
My bed is in a loft.
My bear's name is Ted.
I sleep in a bed.
Say hi to Microsoft.


Details | Limerick | |

Foot Fetish

Have you heard of Charlie Kemp?
The man was dumber than a poorhouse pimp
He stuck his foot in a lion's cage
Stupidity had to be the latest rage
Now see him walk with a limp!


Details | Limerick | |

Payback

There once was a well known professor who married our town's tax assessor... His outrageous affair with his student au'pair Would upset his wife, and distress her! He begged for forgiveness and got it He even thought she had forgot it! She never did scold, but he thought she was cold, while pulling his name for an audit !!
_________________________ Submitted for Dr. Ram's Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Gemini ( Male.)

All my friends say they can not abide
these two people I have deep inside
Let the first one insist,
feel the other resist
while I wait for their war to subside.


Details | Limerick | |

Saddle Up Them Deer!

Santa Claus has been unemployed all year

On the dole watching TV drinking beer

Ms. Claus was going berserk

Its Christmas time you fat jerk

Get off your duff and saddle up them deer

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in Francine Roberts "Christmas" Contest - December 2010


Details | Limerick | |

Impossible

I tried out my hand at a Limerick
The words that I chose didn't do the trick
Every phrase that I tried
Left my hand paralyzed 
A tough trick when writing a Limerick





Trying another new style.


Details | Limerick | |

Roger Plum

A master distiller named Plum,
produces high quality rum;
wants no-one to see,
his special recipe,
for the secret slides out of his bum.


Details | Limerick | |

The Diet ---

Skin is the best part of a nugget
Kentucky cooling in the bucket
        Slush Puppies to chase
        Forming my dietary base
Worrying about my weight  .....  f(orget) ‘t!

Please see the About section for further notes regarding Limericks.

4 Jan 2013

Please note that this poem was run up in a flash and not accurate in so far as meter is concerned - check the date it was written: I was still recovering from all the work over the festive season... :-) Here follows an update for the purist among you:

Skin is the best part of a nugget
Kentucky now cooling in bucket
        Slush Puppies to chase
        Forms dietary base
Worrying about my weight  .....  f(orget) ‘t!

Written in amphibrachic meter: In other words, how I speak and where the stresses fall naturally for my speach patern. 
Lines 1, 2 and 5: */*; ending with a feminine syllable
Lines 3 and 4: truncated to 5 syllable, ending in masculine syllable: */*l*/
Per my notes in the About section: "In other words, it’s got nine syllables to the long lines and six to the short ones, although it is not uncommon to leave a syllable out." 

FROM A PAGE DEDICATED TO THE CORRECT WRITING OF LIMERICKS:
The classic limerick is an anapestic trimeter of five lines with the rhyming scheme AABBA.
It is possible, although not the classic form, to replace all the anapests with amphibrachs,
but they cannot be mixed.

(The anapest [or anapaest] is a beat of UUS [Unstressed-Unstressed-Stressed] -
not to be confused with a dactyl [SUU] which should not be used in limericks.
The amphibrach is a beat of USU.)

There are three beats in the first, second and fifth lines of a limerick
and two in the third and fourth:-

Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM

An extra syllable or a syllable fewer may sometimes be tolerated
if all the lines with the same rhyme have the same structure.


Details | Limerick | |

You ARE Beautiful

He claimed to be wise beyond measure, ancient and archaic.
Told me countless cliches like, "Life is what you make it!".
So I beat him senseless with his cane,
picking up his shattered remains,
and made from him the most beautiful mosaic.


Details | Limerick | |

Golfing With Sir Isaac Newton

When I went golfing with Sir Isaac Newton
He hit tee shots that were not comput’in
Though he struck balls sound
They stayed on the ground
Never making it to where he was shootin’

When we went inside to, have a tea
He showed his disgust with, gravity
I said, “That round went to pot
Coz for each hole’s first shot
For some reason you didn’t, grab a tee!”


Details | Limerick | |

I'm Nuts About Cheerios Honey Nuts

Cheerios Honey Nuts will grace my bowl

   Their scrumptious flavor I shall e'er extol

      No bacon and eggs for moi

         They are so humdrum and blah

            Honey Nuts set my day on cruise control

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 8 in PD's "(LIMERICK) Your Favorite Cereal Contest" - October 2011


Details | Limerick | |

I'll Tell You A Secret

At best, life is just mass confusion
Finding what's real and what's just an illusion
Speak of politics.  Do I dare?
When finding the truth is so rare.
Because politicians are just an optical illusion!


Details | Limerick | |

Voldemort, by contrast, was vanquished easily

Changed climate is not a surprise
With drilling for gas on the rise
Where can life forms hide
From carbon dioxide
And methane let loose in the skies?

Neo-druids auger gas wells
And add fluids with sulfurous smells! 
Are poisons they've tapped
With their magic wands trapped
Evermore by sorcerous spells? 

Votes and news seem not relevant
The unrelenting elephant
In all our best rooms
Is fossil fuel's fumes
And toxins we can't circumvent 




Details | Limerick | |

Who's the Boss - Revised

Who is the Boss - Same old song?

I'll yield since you're very headstrong

        It'll be quite a blow

        But just so you know

It'll end in us both being wrong!






Details | Limerick | |

Writers Block

I can't think of what words to write
I've tried all day and all night
Hey, I have writer's block
No, they say, what a crock
I wrote this, so looks like they're right!
For Debbie Guzzi's Meter Carol Brown Limerick 8th Place Winner Entry into P.D.'s Limerick contest for June 2012 10th Place Winner


Details | Limerick | |

Dear Depressed

Dear Depressed, you’re the cuckoo who flew
From the cuckoo’s nest. Go get a clue!
You are  too hot to trot
For a guy who has got
Not a semblance of interest in you.

He won’t call you back? Here’s the buzz:
He does NOT pick his phone up because
well, for one thing, you see,
you act more desperately
than a crack head who wants a fix does!

And that woman who answers his phone,
and she tells you to leave them alone -
It’s his sister, you say??
You are queen for the day.
Go sit on the idiot throne!

You’ve got kids from different guys.
Better think before spreading your thighs.
You feel nauseous and sick?
Well, I think that some dick
has got you again with his lies.

I would offer advice, but I can’t,
for all I can do now is rant!
Just be thankful you’ll get 
A more sizeable check
from the welfare. . . . Love, Agony Aunt.


A response poem to the letter written to
Agony Aunt (see the contest pages)


Details | Limerick | |

I Once Drank A Glass of Champagne Limerick


For Francine Robersts contest....Pick A Beverage




I once drank a glass of champagne
Then ran naked into the rain
I love all the bubbles
But it caused so much trouble
I’ll never drink it again!

Copyright©2011 Beatrice Boyle
(All rights reserved)


Details | Limerick | |

Slammin' Slammers

C'mon all you slammers, take your best shot
I'll tell ya' once more (In case you forgot)
Already kissed the canvas
Had my ass kicked to Kansas
You kiddin', that's it? Is THAT all you got?


Details | Limerick | |

rock-paper-scissors

~~  ~~

Wrapped in you O paper, seen you a tree;
'fore rolled down stream,under your shade 'twas me.
O scissors, I  prithee you; 
forbid make play an issue..
Snip mine paper, knock on thy head with glee.  

..


6th place in the contest
For ¥ Destroyer ¥ Poet's Contest : "Rock~Paper~Scissors"
..


Details | Limerick | |

My First Car - a Not So Rosy Story

My very first car was, I think,
a Monza, which was rosy pink.
At a somewhat cheap price,
that old sports car was nice,
but my luck with her sure did stink!

Cleaned and polished, she was looking fine;
I was happy to claim her as mine
although she was such
a hog! On too much
gasoline that old sports car would dine!

On a big trip I took her; I cried
to find out that her engine was fried.
From a crack in her block
she stopped working. Tick Tock!
Time is short; in six weeks she had died!



Details | Limerick | |

COUNTRY SINGER BLOOPERS

.........( ( ( ( (........



a singer performing country score

dropped false teeth bouncing on stage floor

      though pelted with loud  boos

      he continued his blues...

as big boss kicked his rear out the door 



same singer was given one more chance

rehearsed a perfect song and dance

   by  middle of refrain

   his shoe knocked a plain Jane...

who gave him naughty, come-on glance




(c) copyright-

............................

for: Tracie's Make Me Giggle,  Make me Laugh...
by: nette onclaud


Details | Limerick | |

A Thankful Turkey

Written by Gail DeBole

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"



Note: Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of each November in the United States.  President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed this as an official holiday in 1863.


Details | Limerick | |

Fetchin' a Fish

``
~ Hung on to the rod, lettin' my arms ache;
    Those anglers spin yarns, knew their tales fake.

    Here the fish don't bite,
    Or the lure they do not sight.

    Daddy all beans, a huge fish we'll home take.



~ "You ain't no addle pot; patience, my fay.
      A hog killin' time we'll have fur sure," he say.

      Up gulls they screechin',
      They all come fishin'.

      We no match, nary a fish we'll catch!.. Nay!


~ Suddenly, the water whooshed in a spout.
    My quiverin' line had bite, ain't a doubt.

     Reel in, reel in;
     No slack, pull the fish in.

     Rod with reel, away flew the biggest Trout!


``

8th place in the contest
For john freeman's contest : "Limericks About Fishing"




Details | Limerick | |

Valentine Dreams

Though Cupid was not on the scene
the dame had her very own scheme.
Her gent, she waylaid,
her breasts, she displayed
and cashed in on his Valentine dream.


Details | Limerick | |

Twice or Thrice Daily





Twice daily,even once will do if you want I can do thrice too, so in this New Year promise to adhere to my wish to write more haiku! ;-) ==================000================


Details | Limerick | |

Birds and Bees


A young man dropped to his knees
His fiance' he wanted to please
Six strong men carried him away
His epitaph was reported to say
He was ignorant of the birds and the bees


Details | Limerick | |

An Eye For An Eye

There once was a couple of cats Who fought in continuous spats. The result was a tie When each scratched out an eye - An old-Biblical tit for a tat! The cats awoke up bleeding and weak And half-seeing the havoc they’d wreaked They discarded their clothes, Their backsides to expose - A new-Biblical turning of cheek!


Details | Limerick | |

Man Bashing Day

I wish I could say I am proud of men
I wish I could say it's true
I wish I could say I am proud of men
But a kick in their pants would do
 
They have no clue about what they should say
They only know how to grunt
They have no clue about what they should say
These cave men just want to hunt
 
I wish I could say I admire men
I wish I could say they’re cool
I wish I could say I admire men
But why must they play the fool?
 
“Oh for goodness sake, won’t you get a grip?
Your feelings can make you strong
Oh for goodness sake, won’t you get a grip?
It's ok if you are wrong!”
 
They think if you smile, they must be divine
They think they can make you swoon
They think if you smile, they must be divine
Yet they dance to our sweet tune!
 
They think we must yield to their every whim
We must cook, clean, and be coy
They think we must yield to their every whim
We’re to be used as a toy!
 
They think they were made to govern and rule
They have the right to command
They think they were made to govern and rule
Their foolishness who can stand?
 
It's men bashing day; I’m compelled to say
A good man is hard to find
It's men bashing day, I’m compelled to say…
Ladies, thank God for OUR kind! 
 
We are sugar and spice and all things nice
We’re just like peaches and cream
We are sugar and spice and all things nice
Each one is every man’s dream!!!

For Skat's Your Fifth Poem on the Soup


Details | Limerick | |

Smarter than a Smart Phone

I feel left behind in the race By not keeping up with the pace I don't text at all It makes me feel small I hang down my head in disgrace Even monkeys can text on their cell phones! What the world thinks of next? Must we be clones?! Every eye looking down With a smile or a frown While I stare off in space, all alone! I resolve now to stretch my horizons I resolve how to text, I will try one!! I will not be annoyed so will purchase a Droid! Am I wise enough to use Verizon??
_____________________________________________________________ For Gwen's Resolution Contest: "Limerick In My Pocket"


Details | Limerick | |

Japanese Camellia

There once was a man from Georgia
Who bought his love a Camellia
Red blooms for Saint Valentine
This gift no adrenline
Just glad that it's not grindelia


Details | Limerick | |

The Egg Beater

I treated you well, so it’s stumped me A fat little white dude has dumped me! For revenge I might bake Your insides in a cake. Better run for your life, Humpty Dumpty! No sunny side up for you, Guy! Forget about cake; you shall fry. Your whites and your yolk I will scramble. No joke! Tonight, Rotten Egg, you shall die. (Just Yolk-ing. hahaha)


Details | Limerick | |

It's a Gas, Gas, Gas

My eco car runs on natural gas
Naught to sixty, what a blast
It runs like a dream
Refueled by baked beans
All free from a humans ass


Details | Limerick | |

There Once Was a Pig

There once was a pig who would try,
To jump off the ground and to fly,
The result was the same,
'Til he bought a plane,
And left his friends waving goodbye!


Details | Limerick | |

Winning the Lottery

If I won the lottery today,
I would shout "Hip, hip, hooray!"
It would be a miracle, no doubt,
If it really came about,
As I've not bought a ticket to play.


1/3/12  for Susan Burch's Lottery Limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Big Fart

Big Fart Jack has a bulldog. Boy can he fart Phooey, they do not come from the heart Don’t ever feed him beans Or the odor gets mean Never needs a battery to start
Tickle me pinck contest Oct 31


Details | Limerick | |

There Once was a Girl Named Lilly

There once was a girl named Lilly
who often liked to be silly
she put a spoon upon her nose
then she wrote a bit o' prose
and called it mexican chilly !


Details | Limerick | |

Mickey and Minnie

In a bunker having his way
When a golf ball took his breath away
Got struck on the head
Minnie groaned and said
Mick is this what they call fore play



Penned April 5 2013



Details | Limerick | |

A Kodak Moment

      "A Kodak Moment"



yummy pumpkin pie baking in pie crust pan
hubby playing Chef, he's my kinda man
but with five ornery pets
while their appetite gets
shake, rattle and roll chimed from tin can.


the oven whistled steamy and hot
soon the Chef lost his temper, threw a pot
puppies scattered for cover
as two kitties did hover
kitchen looked like the land time forgot,

laughter is the best medicine to cure
any nasty situation one might endure
a kodak moment to smile
lasts longer than a little while
pumpkin pie still holds magical allure.


*For Vienna's Smile Your on Candid Camera. 


Details | Limerick | |

Bugs Bunny

Ole Bugs was a rascally rabbit
a bunny with Fudd foolin' habits
each carrot he stole
and ditched in his hole
caused Elmer to scream Bugs G_d dam it!



Details | Limerick | |

WHAT A DILLY


   Oh, how I do love pickles

   Especially those long, slim icicles

   Whether Dill or Sweet Gherkin
   
   From its jar I am jerkin'

   Because as it goes down ~ it Tickles!


Details | Limerick | |

Sea Sick


I wanted to go fishing in the ocean
Forgot the result of constant motion
You wouldn't believe
How much I heaved
Would give gold for a nausea potion


For the "Fishing" contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Mutated Mermaid

.



                                    


                                    An impossible mermaid I found
                                    in calm waters so blue and profound
                                    with her face like a fish
                                    but her body: my dish!
                                    and no one observing around






.


Details | Limerick | |

Poor Man

We never thought she'd find the right man Find a more fickle bride if you can.. Poor man hasn't a chance She's in charge of romance He stepped into the fire from the pan Written in haste for the "Cousins Wedding" contest... my appologies...lol


Details | Limerick | |

Go into machine as pig come out like a sausage-w

One cannot make an honest lawyer
Merely by an act of legislature
Work on his conscience
His lack of conscience
Is what makes him a lawyer.

And God said let there be Satan
So any blame not my concern
Satan said let be lawyers
So I have my own pleasures
To defend, lawyers are proper men.

================================

Third place winner

Contest : Lawyers Limeric by Carolyn Devenshire


Details | Limerick | |

The Vet

Heard them say that I’m off to the vet
It’s for my annual booster you bet
He is fetching the lead
Here he comes yes indeed
And into the car I do get

I do not like the car very much
Travel sickness I get just a touch
If they take me to far
I’ll be sick in this car
But I just can’t help it as such

We arrive at the vets safe and sound
I drag slowly for this I have found
It’s a waste of time 
Going to the vets is a crime
I’d rather be back in the pound

Now there putting me on the scale
The nurse says I’m as fat as a whale
This is no fun
I just want to run
But alas I must sit on my tail

At last I’m led into that room
I know that it not for a groom
They lift me on the table
For to climb I’m not able
At last I fear it is doom

The vet has moved round behind
That thermometer looks none to kind
He says it won’t hurt
In a manner that’s curt
Now the thermometer they cannot find

Next it’s the jab in the neck
I could bite him but what the heck
It’s all over now
It’s much worse for a cow
As I leave the surgery I wreck

Then just as I’m off to the door
I hear the vet say one thing more
He needs more exercise
To decrease his size
To hell with that that’s for sure

So back in the car to go home
I feel my mouth starting to foam
Then I’m sick on the floor
Someone open the door
In this car I just hate to roam

Now free of the car I need the loo
The fresh green grass will do
As I open my bowel 
The smell is quite fowl
The thermometers there in my pooh

So home again I will take to my chair
Relax and unwind as is fair
Too much stress for today
Just want to sleep and lay
For the exercise I just do not care

So my trip to the vet I’ve relayed
My owner took me and has paid
So leave me in peace
All wrapped up in my fleece
For my sleep has to long been delayed


Details | Limerick | |

Old McDonald


Old McDonald

Old McDonald sold all his farms 
for tending pets had lost his charms 
He found a new job 
He thought it was fab 
But a whole day clown with raised arms



March 21, 2014   5.15 pm





Eighth Place
Contest: Yay for St. Patrick's Day-One Limerick Part 2
Judged: 3/29/14
Sponsor: Poet Andrea Dietrich


Details | Limerick | |

Twin Brothers

Freddy and Teddy are exactamundo twin brothers.
They are nowhere near as funny as the Smothers.
They take their crass gross comedy act on the road.
All of those in the audience would rather be using the commode.
Most would prefer to have their throats slit if they had their druthers.


Details | Limerick | |

Peace Flies

While buzzing one day around Beijing
my two faceted eyes saw something,
a man named Liu Xiabo
thrown in jail like cargo
Nobel Peace prize of no, he was hamstringed.

Fast flew I, to his fine mistresses house
and found the commies had lured his wife out
the press to waylay
on his special day
all the leadership could do was grouse!

Finding my way to Liu Xiabo’s cell,
it seems all free men here, live in hell.
He smiled with kind eyes
said “Ah, life’s the prize!
perhaps, I will arise, who can tell?"

*2010 Nobel Peace Prize Winner for his efforts
in obtaining human rights in China was jailed
by his government.




Details | Limerick | |

No Candy Needed

To save some money on Halloween
I use a technique and must come clean
     Wear a scary disguise
     Children emit loud cries
I laugh as they run away and scream

This is a true tale, I must confess
And it’s surely worked with much success
     Electrifying hair
     Come hither if you dare
The local kids think that I’m possessed!



*Written in honor of John Freeman and his "Boisterous Comedy" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Mirror-Mirror

I asked a question to mirror on wall
Who in our town is the fairest of all?
It answered, “you are,
Be advised not to go far
Break me soon if want to be so afterall".


Details | Limerick | |

"My Triple Halloween Limerick"

Example for Limerick Contest 

Ghosts that coast, embody their trustful host
Leave no posts,  they possess the host to roast
   These disembodied souls
   Are angry deranged ghouls 
Bode snatching demons, one’s life they engross.

Halloween’s treat where they accomplish feat
Children sweet, want only candy to eat
   May we all watch our children 
   Having no bewildering
Safeguarding thus our Halloweens so neat!

Hello! I’m beautiful and very sweet
Please gimme your candy snickers to eat
   I am an angel’s sibling 
   I only want a nibbling 
I only want a sweet, not ghoul’s mistreat!!


Details | Limerick | |

Anger

A man turned red with rage,
He was going through an angry stage,
He saw a black man named Ray,
Get hung by the KKK,
And he just had to flip the page

A man turned red with rage,
He was going through an angry stage,
He saw a Jew named Joshy,
Get killed by a Nazi,
Then he just had to turn the page

Then he saw a Japanese man named Sukai,
So he thought this page was okay,
Then he saw a plant go boom,
And everyone went zoom,
So he just had to throw the book away


Details | Limerick | |

Batman and Robin

Batman and Robin were done!
Out cold, on a road, via stun-gun!
-   ‘long came a truck
-   both of them struck
Now it’s just:  “Flatman” and “Ribbon”


Details | Limerick | |

The Monster Mash

<                              dancing to the hit song monster mash
                                frankenstein and werewolf got real smashed
                                took the witches culdeen
                                and boiled up mummys spleen
                                Quasimodo joined in on the bash


                                witches brew of brains spleens gizzards hearts
                                illuminates party from it's start
                                Dracula and zombies
                                lurking for free bodies
                                poor old frankie's wife just fell apart 



                               the bewitching dance came to its end
                               when bats flew in frenzy around den 
                               on this all hallows eve
                               trickery was up sleeve
                               sent my 3 black cats in to defend


Details | Limerick | |

Football Mania Victim's Hysteria

“Woe is me,” when football season closes
Crimson Tide lost in a sea of roses
     Tampa Bucs, Tide, Seminoles
     To “off” my remote just strolls
I’ll use TM for football osmosis

My Coach Bowden-signed football is glass-encased
How do I endure the trauma I’ve faced?
     With my pompoms cast aside
     “Six-month drought!” I cried
“It would hurt less to have my face replaced.”



*Entry for Susan’s “Drama Queen” contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Woman-Owned Business Maker

Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...

for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"


Details | Limerick | |

Two Heads Better than One

I walked the high wire for all to see
There wasn’t even a net ‘neath me
     It gave folks some chills
     I never had spills
Till a twister rolled in; I flew free

The big tent collapsed and caused panic
As I hung in air -- sort of static --
     The crowd had dispersed
     Good grief, how I cursed
As the twister took leave, I grew manic

More than a hundred feet I did fall
Got caught in the fortune teller’s shawl
     Our careers went on
     Though the tent is gone
A two-headed lady we are called


*Entry for David William’s “Circus” contest.  


Details | Limerick | |

Jack's Lack

There once was a slap happy grifter
Who had his tax bills sent to his sister
His cause it was lame
He just played the game
But, the IRS KNEW this Mister!

This man Jack, he was, world renown
The government thought him a clown
They saw under his “skirt”
NO they did not flirt!
They threw him in jail WAY uptown.




Details | Limerick | |

Easter Bunny's Demise


The Easter Rabbit had a spat with his wife
She said  the dumb eggs were ruining her life
Laying eggs is so boring
Then there's your snoring
He met his demise with her carving knife...

NOTE:..apparently she borrowed the knife from
the farmer's wife ,who had been having trouble
with some blind mice.



For the "Clue" contest
2/28/13


Details | Limerick | |

The boy from New York

There once was a boy from New York 
Who refused to taste any pork
Until one bright day
A damsel did say
“let me feed you, my love, from this fork”


Details | Limerick | |

Sheep Shepherds (We ain't much smarter)

You fixin' to get CLIPPED (clueless beast!)
Or dismembered for a mutton feast
Make a break from your breeders
Don't follow lyin' leaders!
Or you gonna' get FLEECED (at the least!)

***For Carolyn's Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Birds -N- Bees

Your raging hormones you must ignore
For desires will shake you to your core
Listen to your heart 
Before you embark
Make love with someone you truly adore.

Sciences class teaches us what we should know
About body parts and where they should go
Willie goes in Muff
Quicken breaths we huff
All consumed till body fluids flow.

But alas the girl did not have none
Boy finished before girl was done
He is satisfied
She is horrified
Damn the hype about two joining as one.


Details | Limerick | |

Irate Indian!

Indian say white man speak with forked' tongue

     He took land kill buffalo and my young

          Great Spirit hear entreaty

               White man disregards treaty

                    Me think he talk heap of buffalo dung

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Entry for PDs "Indian Giver" Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Slow Golf

Golfers ahead were really slow
because their dead balls just wouldn't go
     we offered them beer,
     later we found cheer--
 they stepped aside to let it outflow.


Details | Limerick | |

Birds and Bees


 Said a bee to a bird , we can't fail ,

 With your sweet sexy song , bang-in-scale .

 When I'm lovin' you .... please

 Don't fart , belch or sneeze

 'Cause there might be a sting in the tail .






Sean Kelly .


Details | Limerick | |

Narcissistic Nimwit

 
Yes, I’ll sign that gripe card! Give it to me! 
Tell that coworker what an arse he be!
Look how quickly they sign it!
He’ll be surprised to find it!
Hey, what’s this? Oh crap! It’s addressed to me…




written 8/17/11 for Carolyn Devonshire's
              Horrible Bosses contest (and more)


Details | Limerick | |

Not a Limerick

Methinks writing lim'ricks beneath me...
E'er they're like grinding one's teeth be...
They set one to cringing,
To moaning and whinging,
So instead this five-liner I bequeath thee.


Details | Limerick | |

Her Voice Say

.
               

                     When tired from sweeping with the storebought broom
                                  I'd lean against not wanting to resume
                                       Momma said, "Nusing your bab?"
                                     I would sweep, under breath crab
                        Now would love to hear her say,  "Clean your room!"






(Momma would say nusing not nursing..Bab is instead of baby..)


Details | Limerick | |

Jive in a Beehive

Doing the jive in a beehive
Can be detrimental to your life
Performing high kicks
With pointy toed flicks
Will cause the bees to sting your behind
 
 
 
 
07/08/13   Heather's "Make Me Laugh"  Contest  


Details | Limerick | |

Best School Play Ever

I cannot afford to miss
A school play such as this.
My son plays a big tall tree.
My daughter plays a bumble bee.
At the end a pig and a hippo kiss.


Details | Limerick | |

I Love Ice Cream

Ice cream is a delicious delight,
I eat it most every night.
That's probably why,
My weight is so high,
But I won't stop eating one bite.



7/15/13


Details | Limerick | |

Pets on Parade

"Pets on Parade" on Christmas Eve two kitty cats were sleeping as Santa Claus climbed down the chimney creeping Excalibur started to purr Gabriel raised his black fur poor Santa was startled and began weeping. while Santa was chased by playful felines trotting toward them a band of hungry canines sweet Venus the white Wstie was growing quite testy for commotion interrupted her night sublime. Thor and Thunder twin midnight blue great danes frolicked in fun as Santa reached for red candy canes they took giant licks opened Santa's bag of tricks as Raider the Shepherd smeared frosty windowpanes. pretty pets on parade on Christmas Eve had a jolly good time you best believe sharing cookies and milk with the Moon smooth as silk and Santa was so happy to leave. *For SKAT'S Calling All Pet Poems ..


Details | Limerick | |

"War of the Worlds" by H.G. (Hebert-Gautreaux) Wells

Martian Gumbo

One of dem Saucer land in da Bayou
Ole Boudreaux out huntin say "Jus who be you?"
Den he point him shodgun
And say "Lookee here son...
Jus found some green OKRA to seasonne my stew!"


Details | Limerick | |

EXHIBITIONIST (on purpose)

Showing off the ultimate bathing fright,
worked all winter preparing a delight.
Laid off the usual beer,
summer now finally here.
His Speedo package outrageous and tight!


*For the battle of the bulge contest.   It only takes one Speedo to ruin a day at the beach!


Details | Limerick | |

Atishoo

At Christmas I contracted the flu
From taking the kids to the zoo
The hippos were a wheezing 
Ten monkeys were sneezing 
Now my temperature’s a hundred and two!


Details | Limerick | |

Strumpet Meets Star Wars

For trick or treating Stella the strumpet

Got dressed up as a butterscotch crumpet

     Caught his eye – Jabba the Hutt

     He had hunger pangs in his gut

No more strumpet; Hutt plays "Taps" on trumpet


*For John Freeman's Halloween Limericks Contest. ©

If you haven't seen Star Wars, you can see an image of Jabba the Hutt at:

http://www.google.com/imgres?
imgurl=http://almostdorothy.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/jabba-the-hut-1-
749957.jpg&imgrefurl=http://almostdorothy.wordpress.com/2010/02/16/kristine-
snodgrass-an-interview-with-a-fledgling-
starlet/&h=425&w=351&sz=44&tbnid=ydiaMK997cAQVM:&tbnh=126&tbnw=104&prev
=/images%3Fq%3Djabba%2Bthe%
2Bhut&zoom=1&q=jabba+the+hut&hl=en&usg=__vXVHk5so6VdAvMm6AFFu5s1vark=
&sa=X&ei=ssnJTL2DEIGC8gamr-jsAQ&sqi=2&ved=0CCYQ9QEwAQ


Details | Limerick | |

All Together

He tried for what seemed like forever
To finally get it all together.
The more he tried,
The more he cried.
Now he'll be content with never.

Limerick


Details | Limerick | |

Get Well Soon


I had a Head Nurse that was just born mean The ugliest woman I'd ever seen A voice like sharp ice Never could be nice She made old Nurse Ratchet seem like a queen


Details | Limerick | |

PASTA, PASTA, EVERYWHERE

Oh, vermicelli, rigatoni!
Lost on a sea of minestrone. 
The sea beneath my feet,
And nothing else to eat,                     
I live on cheese and macaroni.


Details | Limerick | |

Lazy Cow

Lazy Cow
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

The cow loved to chew her cud
As she lay in the cooling mud.
She was lazy you see,
As lazy as could be,
Some would even say she was a dud.


Details | Limerick | |

What Is In A Name

There once was a man with the last name Butts  
He really must have been nuts
When a son he did sire
This name he did conspire
Seymore was the name a decisive cut

Not an original idea...


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

Andrea lives in a city
In which every season is pretty!
But on a bad snow day,
She drives on the freeway
And curses because it’s so %#itty. (small edit for the kiddies)

**on our Utah license plates it says 
"The Greatest Snow on Earth" (yeah, right)

For PD's Contest
(After I posted this, I realized, gosh, the title
really does work because few things are as 
slick as a Utah road in winter.)


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of My Big Toe

Written in 1997

There once was a toe that was big
and was helpful when dancing a jig.
At times it was stubbed,
and washed in a tub
and, when young, spent some time in a crib.



Note: Part of the Portrait Collection


Details | Limerick | |

True Love

Her hair as red as a flame
Her lips were colored the same
… That Irish Lass
… So full of sass
He’s wonderin’ if she’d take his name?

Her to him: “You’ve got a crust!
With courtin’ and dowry a must …
… in wooin’ I’ll naught
… ever be caught
Afore me name I’d adjust!”

“Oh, wee lassie, please see:
‘T is you - the woman for me
… I’ve 10,000 wells
… of oil I sells
Marry me”, he said on one knee.

“Oh! My!  I see you’re sincere
My name change … it’s drawing near
… ‘bout that oil …
… can’t let it spoil!
Now … what’s my new last name, me dear?


Details | Limerick | |

Cranky Boss

I worked for a cranky old boss
who came to work always quite cross.
Finally found out,
he developed gout,
when stocks took a capital loss. 

Copyright © 2011 By Caryl S. Muzzey


Details | Limerick | |

Black Friday

<                     ladies ~ gentlemen ~ start those ...... engines
                         miss  ~ Ho ~ down - prices .... would be a sin
                                        best buy - circuit city
                                   black ~ friday .... how pitty
                        5 am ~ now ~ who ~ wears ~ smiling ... grins 





                          k- mart ~ wal - mart ~ target ~ pennys
                              red tag sales of many and plenty
                                 but you must buy in bulks
                        and ~  get ~ guy ~ like ~ the ... hulk
                to ~ push ~ cart ~ while ~ you ~ chat ~ with ... jenny




                         let's ~ all ~  hop ~ on ~ over ~ to ~ I - hop
                         your one stop for christmas breakfast slop
                                sure pancakes sounds yummy
                                     but wait till hits tummy 
                                 be sitting on stool till it plops




Entry For
Carolyn Devonshire's
Commericialized Holiday Humor Contest
Gl All And Happy Holidays
Love Kathy & Jenny


Details | Limerick | |

Her Last Date

She’d thought he was eyeing her rack

as with great charm, he led her out back.

But she realized too late

this would be her last date

as her neck got sucked dry by a Drac!


*For the contest of Darren Watson: Be Bram Stoker for a Day


Details | Limerick | |

This ones for the gals

What gospels on sunday afternoon
Are four quarters male members tune
With flat screens on wall?
The chair-men want football
And shall yell like a wild baboon


Author's note: This poem was inspired by Lori Hopkin's "This ones for the guys" which is worth a good look.  My apologies to all baboons who are much gentler and finer than I.  Sad to resort to using their species as a stereotype just for the sake of a rhyme.


Details | Limerick | |

A Leader They Were Proud Of

Soon we all must enter the fray
And keep this injustice at bay
Thus said the major
Who tripped on the floor
Thus ending the war for that day 


Details | Limerick | |

Birds of a Feather




                             A  bird  takes  off  on  its  wings  to  fly,
                             As  a  kite  goes  past  in  the  clear  sky.
                                         As  it sees the other...
                                    Birdie  says,  "You've  got  brother,
                             A  string  attached  to  your  tail, O boy!"




``

5th place in the contest
For Brian Strand's contest : "Five Lines Down"


Details | Limerick | |

Beers and Tears

Men measure life by the number of beers
Women measure life by the flow of tears
It is when the dad farts
His wife moans in her heart
Because her own children laugh and cheer

Edward J Ebbs
Limerick Contest - I am not a beer drinker :-)


Details | Limerick | |

SLICK LIMERICK

SLICK  LIMERICK

There once was a girl from the soup 
Who tried to keep up with her poet group
        But she fell in love, 
        with the man NOT' from above
Now the Poet Destroyer, is in a loop.

by;p.d.



Example for my contest
((p.s. i'm not a limerick expert))
~maybe it's a bad example~
~But you get my drift~


Details | Limerick | |

A No Win Situation

Time ran out, winner’s fans took to the field
But a ref pushed them back; forced them to yield
   A flag had been thrown
   And how fans did grown
A field goal was kicked; victory repealed



This actually happened in one of the football games I saw
last year.


Details | Limerick | |

Fred Wins the Lottery

Winning millions, Fred acted insane,
Raced his new Benz and crashed in the rain.
All that money he won
Went for surgeries done
To repair both his body and brain!

For Susan Burch's
Lottery Ticket Limerick Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Two Grey Hairs Of Wisdom

I have just two grey hairs in my mustache
That keep growing back,under my nose
Why there's just two
I haven't a clue
Soon to be joined by many more,I suppose

They say grey hair grows with wisdom
But with just two hairs under my nose?
No matter what I do
They keep growing through
The beginning of wisdom for me,I suppose

Two grey hairs I've plucked and cut
From my mustache under my nose
For now there's just two
Soon to be joined by quite a few
A lesson learned in wisdom for me,I suppose



Dan Kearley:2-15-13  


Details | Limerick | |

A Stagnant Condition

Joel once made a New Year’s Resolution To put an end to procrastination But half way through the year He found himself waiting there Lost in his stagnant condition ~*~


Details | Limerick | |

Betty the Cook

What a spectacle Betty was making
of herself in the kitchen while baking.
She kept tripping and falling.
Other cooks found it galling
all the dishes each day she kept breaking.

Today it’s much better she’s faring,
for the cause was made known for her erring.
Betty now feels relieved
that her boss is not peeved
since new spectacles she has been wearing!


(this has now been revised as a quintain for Joe maverick's contest.
If you happen to see the quintain version. I'm just curious to 
to know which seems more effective, this limerick version or the quintain form?)


Details | Limerick | |

Don't Ask to Go to the Bathroom

Previously entitled: "Rules are Not Always Cool" Silly Jilly could not break the rule: Stay in class during tests at the school. Soon each test-taking kid could all smell what she did in her pants! Rules are not always cool! by Andrea Dietrich For PD's Pooping Contest: Category: Don't ask to go to the bathroom!


Details | Limerick | |

Aries

There once was a proud Aries like me,
whose impatience kept from being free.
But all my pride inside
never had the chance to hide
the goal of winning confidently!


Details | Limerick | |

The Non-Resolver

I’ve been watching my weight since 14, but with all of the diets I’ve seen, they’ve become a big no-no. This here dieting yo-yo has stopped trying to be super lean! Other problems I’ll change as I go. I don’t need a New Year to say so! Said a wise sailor man: I yam what I yam! Why improve on a good thing - ya know? So the cause of the most bellyaching at this time of the year I’m forsaking. When you know yourself well. . . why then go through such hell! Resolutions I’ll never be making. For the the New Year's Resolution Poetry Contest of Regina Riddle


Details | Limerick | |

No Second Chance

A young miss by the name of Elaine,
Was considered a bit of a pain.
Bawdy words just to goad.
Gaudy clothes fashion mode.
She was never invited again.


Details | Limerick | |

Child Gone Wild

WHO trashed this whole house and went wild? WHAT? You let in the dog? He got riled? WHEN was this? Where’s he at? WHERE the heck is the cat?? WHY ever did I want a child? for Harry Horseman's 5-W's Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Bugged by the Bug

Cough medicine? (CRAP...No re-fill!)
See a doctor? (DARNED if I will!)
I'm achin' to the toes
(Got a code in my doze)
Where the HECK did I hide the Ny-Quil?


Details | Limerick | |

BEER

A glass of milk is something I fear
Please do not pour me a glass my dear
You'll be mad as a skunk
When I'm coming home drunk
But to tell you the truth I like beer.


Details | Limerick | |

Garage Sale

1221 Boiling Weather Drive
First customer gets a free beehive
With purchase ten bones or more
Food, drinks, desserts galore
Porcelain hitchhiker needs a ride


Details | Limerick | |

Tax Time Again

Once again it's that time of year.
The time that we've all come to fear.
   They take every dime,
   It's tax season time
And poverty's getting so  near.

All year I try to scrimp and save
And with spending habits to behave.
   They snatch my savings
    Despite my ravings.
Depression makes my spirits cave.

No matter how much you have paid
Your hope for a refund will fade
   When forms are revised.
   You'd best be advised
They really want ALL that you've made.





for Carolyn's "taxing time" contest
Francine Roberts  29/01/2011


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

Carolyn Devonshire, it has been said

Was always on time until she was dead

     “She was never late before,”
 
    Confirmed her old editor

As from her tombstone epitaph he read



*Entry for Poet Destroyer’s “Slick Limerick” contest


Details | Limerick | |

Z O O

           Z O O

My friend worked at the Zoo
Every day he smelled like animal poo
  Monday's he clean the lions den
  the next day he became, Hawaiian.
Leaving behind all the goo on his shoe.



Zoo's R Us

by;PD


Details | Limerick | |

Oh The Wait

I wonder how much longer I must wait? I've been waiting like a horse at the gate With a tear in my eye I'm about set to cry And I'm not sure of how much more madness I can take? The problem is I really have to poop It must be from that bowl of oyster soup The line is just to long And my bowels aren't that strong So it's set to fly like a chicken leaving the coop I guess the waiting is just about done And I'm soon to be a fox on the run Everything should go well Except for the bad smell When I leave, I'm sure everyone will know I'm the one Black Eyed Susan's Contest: Wait... Ha-ha :o)


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

The Leap Day Groom Cheap Fred, wishing seldom to pay to celebrate his wedding day, then chose February twenty-ninth to marry. Few anniversaries that way! Written by Andrea Dietrich for The February Funny bone Limerick Contest of Linda-Marie The Sweetheart of P.S. Also For the "Any Poem You Posted This Week Poetry Contest of : Destroyer ~ Poet


Details | Limerick | |

My Skinny Doctor

There is a doctor I see Who doesn’t do much for me For all of those dollars ‘bout weight he just hollers when taller is all I need be.


Details | Limerick | |

Emmmmm Good

The spring in my pants was so dandy.
She wanted to suck it like candy.
When she closed her eyes.
I gave my surprise.
Never saw a girl quite that handy!


For Francine Roberts "Wow me in 5 lines" contest


Details | Limerick | |

A Backwards Three

A Capital E is a backwards three.
At least that is the way it looks to me.
I could be mistaken.
It’s nothing earth shakin’.
It’s just an observation from little old me.


Details | Limerick | |

Eating out

Loud speech in restaurants is crude
Why are the obnoxious so rude?
Their noise should be banned
This is not a food stand
But a place we pay for the mood

Author's note:  My wife and I went out for dinner with friends last night.  That was the inspiration for the limerick above.  However, this is also an allegory for what is wrong in today's world.  There is a critical shortage of consideration for others.


Details | Limerick | |

WHINE on MOGEN DAVID WINE


Mom used to drink this wine for a tonic,
I had no idea she meant a colonic.
So I snuck some of this swill,
moved more than an EX LAX pill
cause the gas sounds were quite polyphonic!


Written 6/22/2011 for the ‘Bottle of Wine” contest


Details | Limerick | |

Robbed

there was once a woman of france
who could put any man in a trance
she'd spin them and twirl them
fill their whiskey to the brim
well drunk they'd fall like a blob
then awake to find they were rob


Details | Limerick | |

Call Me Cousin

I'm short and most costumes don't fit
Halloween found me in a snit
     But I have my answer now
     I just comb my long hair down
Add glasses and I'm Cousin It



Written for the Halloween Costume contest


Details | Limerick | |

Cutting the Cheese - Something's Rotten in Wisconsin

In the land of Cheeseheads, there came a call
Saying I’m a big donor, best of them all;
Just give me the scoop,
Some real union poop;
Oh Governor, how you did fall.


Details | Limerick | |

Kashi Strawberry Field

.

                                     There once was a great cereal Kashi
                                        Enjoyable for it is not squashy
                                      It's so much better than just bran
                                    That looks and taste like plain ol' tan
                                   Much more delightful than simple dashi


Sponsor: Poet Destroyer~A
Contest:(Limerick)Your Favorite Cereal
*Note
Click on
"About This Poem"


Details | Limerick | |

Pete's Sweet Death

Let me tell you about a guy Pete. If it’s true that we are what we eat, he would just have to be loved by everybody because he would be something sweet! On sweets Pete could never get full, so he’d eat all his cakes and pies whole! With each passing year his widening rear more resembled a large jelly roll. With gusto Pete daily transgressed, chowing down on desserts he liked best, never giving one thought to the things that he ought - like that thing going wrong in his chest. . . . It occurred after Pete had dug in to some pastries, his favorite sin. In his chair Pete had plopped when his heart simply stopped - But his jelly smeared mouth wore a grin!
For the "Die A 'Fun' Death Contest Poetry Contest" hosted by Natalie the Rogue Rhymer


Details | Limerick | |

Ma Bell, Where Art Thou

Ma Bell, Where Art Thou?

I just constantly need to be shown
how to work half the gadgets I own.
At my now older age
the new “Smart” phone’s the rage;
I still have not mastered a DUMB phone!


(I posted the title again because Soup's title line
disallows question marks, which I find are very
necessary in some poem titles! And I bet if a 
young'un reads this, they won't even know what
Ma Bell represents! BTW, it was the name of the
telephone company used by many in my childhood.
It seemed to have a monopoly on land lines!)


For "Techno-Limericks Poetry Contest"


Details | Limerick | |

Virgin Bob's Funny Limerick

                                  
                                            Bob was virgin like virgin oil.
                                          Lonely nights he used virgin oil.
                                                  He found a bad girl,
                                                who made his toes curl.
                                           However he still used virgin oil.


Details | Limerick | |

THE INDIAN GIVER


There was a fella I knew who worked with hammer and chisel

Made carvings in wood that could make your eyes sizzle.

One day he brought a carving to the store

Where they sell tobacco, cigarettes, cigars, and more...

And there it stands beckoning, even in a drizzle.


Details | Limerick | |

Deal Or No Deal

<                             Once was a gal shopped all garage sales
                               Nuts ~ bolts ~ screws ~  all found in one big pail
                               Husband said had nice rack
                               Wife turns ~ gives him.... good smack
                               Loaded - buckshot - and - boy - did - he .... wail 



Written by
Katherine Stella 
9/8/2012                              
                             
Entry For
Skat's
A Poets Garage Sale
GL ALL


Details | Limerick | |

Ego Elevator

Stop by for a six-pack of beer
‘Hello!’ Smiles the pretty cashier
‘May I see your ID?
(Are you KIDDING me?
You just made my day AND my year!)

‘Store policy’ She says with a blush
(Is she FLIRTING? Does she have a crush?)
Intuition grows crisper
When I hear a soft whisper
‘Anyway, are you in a big rush?’


Details | Limerick | |

Resolutions Replay

        "Resolutions Replay"




All resolutions for twenty thirteen
Always promise to start out peachy keen
dreaming or wide awake
my pet peeve is cheesecake
A wide waistline on bikini screams "mean".

Pineapples, cheeries, strawberries or plain
Calories are the secret to weight gain
trying to deny urge
as fork and cheesecake merge
Choose will power or perhaps go insane.

Only three hundred sixty-four more days
To keep resolution intact from craves
as the replay unhinge
time for a cheesecake binge
Happy New Year rides deep hunger pang waves.


*For Gwendolen's Resolution Limerick in your Pocket. 


Details | Limerick | |

On a Planet In Far Outer Space

On a planet in far outer space,
You'll find a familiar face,
The folk there you see,
Well they all look like me,
It must be a beautiful place.


Details | Limerick | |

Fluff the Tragic Dragon

The Royal Dragon, Fluff, was ugly and mean.

Things she did were cruel and obscene.

        She was so wrong,

        it inspired a song.

"Fluff, the Tragic Dragon, Queen"!


Details | Limerick | |

A Sassy Potty Mouth Bird Has Changed Her Ways



~ There once was a Bird named Cher who's resolution was not to swear she duct taped her beak where not a word could leak and fluttered her wings in prayer ~


Details | Limerick | |

Magic Ring

Magic Ring (Limerick Suite) One time there was an sour puss old king he was wearing a big magic ring tried to perform a trick he was not very slick ring lost its sparkle wouldn't do a thing Now to play the fiddle was his goal he tried to play the fiddle with soul playing many foul notes sounded like old farting goats but the king thought he was on a roll He liked country music very much loved to hold the ladies in a clutch a two step he did good he would hallo and hoot fell on his rear-end dropping his crutch The Queen got hold of his magic ring she called him a wild crazy old king told him she had enough keep his hands of her crotch Queen used magic ring gave him a sting Screaming in great pain the king did fold begged the queen to stop he'll do as told got back his magic ring he gave the queen a sting now they live happy, got very old Erich J. Goller copyright 9.26.2010


Details | Limerick | |

Monkey Poo

Monkey see....monkey do...
Monkey took a poo poo...
Monkey pooed on my arm..
on my shirt...icky warm...
Monkey poo rings my alarm!
Monkey monkey...look at you!
Get this off...it's from your wah-zoo!!
Eep! eep! eep! said the monkey!
Then he squeezed his nose...
'cause it smelled funky!


Details | Limerick | |

One Day at the Library

One day at the library, Susan

put shades on to give the illusion

she was reading at work

till her head gave a jerk!

A snore woke her up from her snoozin’.


(For the Any New Limerick contest of Black Eyed Susan)


Details | Limerick | |

Bad Hair Day

(Written in the voice of the Bride of Frankenstein)

Where did you get your hair done, Cruella

My beast fancies a streak of vanilla

  Flames from your hair dryer?

  What brand? I won't buy 'er!

That hair contraption could be a killa



Written for the Techno-Limericks Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Super Sunday

Now it’s Roethlisberger versus Rodgers
To escape sacks, they’ll have to be dodgers
 
   Two very strong defenses
   Big egos and pretenses

When the ball’s caught, they’ll try to dislodge her

There are only 60 minutes to play
But these games last four hours anyway

   Referee calls disputed
   Jeers from the crowd unmuted

But the instant replays will save the day






Entry for Royal Trevino's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Now What Do You Want On Your Pizza

I ordered a large pizza pie
What do you want on it asked guy
His question a pearl
Set my mind awhirl
A sexy young girl answered I


Details | Limerick | |

Super Grouper, Sardine Party Pooper

Scuba diving, oh! what a dream
In the Gulf, amidst the Sardines
With a Florida blond
Whom I've grown to be fond
It's dark, is it all that it seems

Our dive is going oh! so super
Boo! said the nosey big Grouper
Och! do you have to be mean
To these little Sardines
Your just a big party pooper

Told of he goes in a mood
Just like a big bully should
Hey! next time take better care
To these Sardines you did scare
It's impolite, and you've been oh! so rude


Details | Limerick | |

Lily Pad Bliss

It’s wrong to judge people by appearance
So when he approached me with that grimace
I tried to see what’s inside
Perhaps a sweet prince did hide
Behind scaly green skin on the surface

He offered his lips, I felt revolted
And through the door I just might have bolted
If I had not made a vow
To be less judgmental now
So we kissed and my heartstrings he jolted

Such heaven we found on his lily pad
Till he turned into a horny-toad cad
Now my mouth is filled with warts
And no more bliss he transports
I just look at him and shout out “Egad!”

Sometimes a book’s cover shows what’s within
And I’ve surely learned much to my chagrin
This frog will not be a prince
When I look at him I wince
And just belt down a few chugs of sloe gin



This entry for the happily ever after contest is based on the fairy tale about the frog 
prince.


Details | Limerick | |

Mavis

Mavis was a party girl but a boor

   She's not welcome at parties anymore

      She causes people to yawn

         As she babbles on and on

            At twelve miles per with gusts to fifty-four

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Fly in the Pie

Fly in the Pie
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

He bit into his hot pie
And discovered half of a fly.
He tried to be brave,
And his reputation save,
But all he could do was cry.


Details | Limerick | |

She really did get this call

I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
  
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,

        “He’s here at the bar
  
        Quick bring us your car,

Your husband just got in a brawl”


Details | Limerick | |

EGO WRECKER

EGO WRECKER
“”””””””””””””””””

that fascist scrapes her paws like a bear hissing orders, crossed-legged on a chair sent a rumor mail in haste that prexy's gal has bad taste…. revenge! boss works now as our sweeper
© ‘’’’’’’’’’ Carolyn Devonshire’s Contest Single Limerick… Horrible Bosses


Details | Limerick | |

Weekend Away

A young gentlemen named Grant Cragnell
Sought debauchery in Newport Pagnell
He got terribly drunk
Before sharing his bunk
With a midget and a brown cocker spaniel


Details | Limerick | |

Dust Bunnies and Cobwebs

Dust bunnies live under my bed,
And they are starting to mess with my head.
I sweep them away,
But away they won't stay,
They bring along friends instead.

The cobwebs are naughty, too,
But I do what I have to do.
With a broom and a cloth,
I remove signs of sloth,
And I bid those cobwebs adieu!


3/7/12  for Francine's "Cobwebs and Dust" contest
Theme: Cobwebs and Dust


Details | Limerick | |

P D How Foxxy is She

There is a poet so foxy and sly
She needs no introduction and that’s why
Her pen is very quick
Almost as fast as her click
See her creativity and words fly

Watch out for the beauty in auburn hair
Things in her path she hasn’t a care
Stay out of her way
On any given day
Or you’ll be the next one caught in her snare

Hurt you she won’t for she wants you alive
Into your mind she’ll sneak and connive
She will drive you mad
Which will make her glad
Getting under your skin where she’ll thrive

This foxy lady is swift and shrewd
Always on the prowl and never subdued
She’ll catch you unawares
Without putting on airs
Your fate determined one might conclude

Wrapped around her little finger you’ll be
No other woman your eyes shall see
Artful and wily
She caught you so slyly
An unbroken heart there’s no guarantee

Let her think since she’s caught you by surprise
That she’s the only one who got the prize
Yet she did you the favor
You’ll be the one to save her
Since you are the real fox in disguise


For the Contest: P.D.'s Inner Animal


Details | Limerick | |

The Jerk

The Jerk
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

Each morning he went to work,
Not purposing to be a jerk.
But some things will be
What they are, you see.
He nearly drove everyone berserk!


Details | Limerick | |

There Once Was A Man

There Once Was A Man ... There once was a man, oh so brave brave Who would sleep in a hole, called a grave ... Well, him being the host To so many a ghost, He arranged a big bash, called a rave In days of Neanderthal knaves When the men ruled like kings in their caves ... and not being too keen About keeping them clean ... Often took on some wifes, called them slaves There once was a man with a stave Overseeing a holy enclave ... Well, maintaining a grin While absolving the sin, He assessed wicked tales and forgave There once was a monk with a wave Who desired a head with a shave ... Well, the barber was such That she cut back too much Thereby leaving his globus concave There once was a man in the nave, Although pious he could not behave ... But they paid him no mind, ’Caus his name was maligned, Being simply a sinner to save There once was a man quite depraved A voluptuous life was thus craved ... Well, continuous sin Ended doing him in - On his tombstone they carved ‘Misbehaved’


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone


In the month of February 'twas fate
We chose our special wedding date
        A love, I cannot explain
        Couldn’t wait to take his name
So why do I still hyphenate?       


By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders, January 30, 2012
for Linda-Marie's February Funny Bone contest

First place finish


Details | Limerick | |

Take Care Of Yourself

<                                 Once there were two monkeys in a tree
                                   Abandoned by their own family
                                   A hunting they did go
                                   Bananas they did tow
                                   For munching while watching the show glee


                                  Singing and dancing to happy tune
                                  Along came an hugh frigging monsoon
                                  Wiping out daily stock
                                  Grapes bananas what crock
                                  What's next grooming by pack of baboons



Entry For 
John Freemans 
Limericks Hilarious Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

Eureka - A Word That Rhymes With Orange

Oft' 'tis said and I've thought it mighty strange

   That not a word seems to rhyme with 'orange'

      And though some I may displease

         With poetic license please

            A rhyme I coin - in DC I pray 'forchange'

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Andreasnackosaur

Since Andreasnackosaur ate more than double the food of its weight, it had stored so much fat that it kept warm when that Ice Age hit. To die last was its fate! (haiku) forlorn in its cave Andreasnackosaur finds only popsicles By Andrea Dietrich * I feel compelled to add: I am NOT this dinosaur. hahaha. I love food, but I am a good dino who watches her calories and works out. IF, however, I were to be a dinosaur, I would indeed be the snackosaur variety!! PD's Contest DINOSAUR-QUEST (1 limerick) (1 haiku)


Details | Limerick | |

A Dog


A dog went to the vet today He saw a horse eating hay got a fleabite and set alight and asked for an action replay! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Raspberry Tea

I am addicted to raspberry tea

   I prefer it to a fine French Chablis

      If alcohol it contained

         I'd stagger about half-brained

            Guzzling gallons to gratify me

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 2 in Francine Robert's "Pick a Beverage, any Beverage" Contest - Oct 2011


Details | Limerick | |

Birthday Glee for Debbie G

  "Birthday Glee for Debbie G."


as I peeked at my calendar today
circled in red it said Debbie's Birthday
so off to shopping mall
to buy her a stress ball
she can squeeze, poke or prod everyday!

remember age is just a number, Debbie dear,
you're getting better year after year
don't worry 'bout being older
you're just wiser and bolder
how about a toast with a big keg of beer!

sending you a surprise first class mail
open immediately, without fail,
magic mirror attracts men
reflects a sexy 5 foot - ten
38-22-34 has great appeal!

then there's a love potion for fun
for a gal whose always number one
as you blow out birthday candles
forget about those "love handles"
when the smoke clears just hurry up and run!

one more little gift to ignite
in a woman's world, perfume's a delight
just one little squirt
you become instant flirt
Deb gets "lucky" on her birthday night!

hope these little treats brought you birthday cheer
with a card saying: "wish you were here"
though miles separate
we'll help you celebrate
with a big hug and kiss and tiny tear! 







Details | Limerick | |

The Limerick Diaries

Removed do to excessive creativity

Thank you for all the emails, and yes I will write for the ones who requested!!!


Details | Limerick | |

LIMERICK



Age forty -one this month is a chill For brother who’s not over the hill So he won’t seem unfit Got a total face lift Now he’s looking like a roasted grill --------- Fictional dedication to my older brother The Perfect Limerick Contest of Andrea Dietrich


Details | Limerick | |

Now this is real pressure

Doctors spread this message about
Drink gallons of water they tout
To soften this dose
Know where bathrooms are close
Since what's in must often come out!


Details | Limerick | |

Maniac Jack

Fatty Jack
Is a maniac.
He ate a turd
From a sick bird.
That’s a sad fact.


Details | Limerick | |

A Whale of a Tale

When the call of the Lord came to Jonah,
“set out for the great land of Nineveh!”
he was angry inside,
and decided to hide,
on a Tarshish bound ship leaving Joppa.

Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea,
ne’er a more violent storm could there be,
there on destiny’s brink,
the ship threatened to sink,
while, old Jonah, was below deck asleep.

Surely, each sailor’s heart fainted with fear,
as the ship they were unable to steer.
“Wake up, Jonah!”  they cried,
“get thee quickly topside,
and fervently beg your God to draw near!”

Now, Jonah knew that this storm was for him,
as in his heart he remembered his sin,
he thought he was sunk,
when they gave him the dunk,
and had to choose whether to sink or to swim.

As soon as Jonah met up with the ocean,
Both the winds and the waves ceased commotion,
then along came a whale,
and old Jonah grew pale,
as it swallowed him up in one motion!

Three long days in that big fish he stayed,
vowing never again would he stray,
relieved not to be dead,
and with kelp on his head,
onto dry land, our dear Jonah was sprayed!

Please, allow me, now this moral to mention,
that when the Lord God gives thee direction,
you must not delay,
set out right away,
His good judgment you must never question.

Should by chance, you hear God’s voice compelling,
“ head thee out to Bangladesh or New Delhi,”
best get on the right boat,
and pray that it floats,
lest you end up kelp covered and smelly!


Details | Limerick | |

Bow Pow

<                                    cakes and sausages on hot griddle
                                      uncle Leroy's dam dog just piddled
                                      slipped ~ slide across floor
                                      grabbed shotgun by front door
                                      now dam ole dog just plays an fiddle 



                            bow bow bow bow bow bow bow        bow ~ wow 
                            ow ow ow ow ow ow ow                       bow ~ ow 
                            with   tail    between     own  ~              legs 
                            now    dog    sings  ~    and  ~               brags
                            about cousin's daisies's  bad                 bow ~ pows
                  
                                                                                        
                                                                                     


Entry For John Freeman's
Slapstick Limerick Contest
Gl All

Poor Ole Dog LOL


Details | Limerick | |

There Once Was A Young Boy Called Tim

There once was a young boy called Tim,
Who decided the Mersey to swim,
Got in to his knees,
But started to freeze,
So decided it wasn't for him!


Details | Limerick | |

A Pleasant Trip

I stepped out the door to feed Doggy
The day was so beautifully foggy
I tripped on his dishes
And swam like the fishes
And now all my dress clothes are soggy!


Details | Limerick | |

DOG AND CAT CHASE

qoute: "a man chases a woman until she catches him." 
****************


how sweet this maiden of ron’s heart lays
with flair for whooping sensual grace
   in balmy weather
   tied bells together 
now it’s linda’s turn to make the chase


but fragrant lure matched with poetry
imprisons man in lush mystery
   when she swings her hips
   his mind flops and flips
it’s hubby chasing  smooth chemistry!


all rights reserved
            ©



ps__JT76926



************************
(( for Linda Marie's "Loveland Limerick"))
    by nette onclaud



Details | Limerick | |

Lottery Tickets--From Buying to Selling

There once was a crazy man called Calvin
spent a lot of money for jackpot win
but it was his bad luck
soon became a bankrupt
started selling tickets for a living!





============================

Placement:9th;(January 2012)

Contest:Lottery Ticket Limerick

Sponsor:Susan Burch

By:kashinath karmakar


Details | Limerick | |

Dick's Club

Dick was a guy with a suave golf club
Who only used it to eat his grub
Sportsman he portrayed
Golf he should have played
For now he cannot fit in his tub

3/28/2013
Craig's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Brown Bag Lunch

A patient came out of the patient's room
Into the doctor's office lobby zoom
A brown paper bag
Held in his hand sag
Declared, "I'll share my lunch" with loud boom  

My husband with humorous thought said
They go good with salad and no bread
The patient then spoke
Croutons atop bloke
Laughter and  twinkle between unsaid 

At least he had a sense of humor..
When they weighted me I came
back out and told my husband
I just found out that I am way too
short..


Details | Limerick | |

With a Mind Like a Steel Trap Too

Of COURSE I am not in the least insecure
My selfish-image? You bet, peerless and pure
Negative thoughts I avoid
Paranoia? Null and void
But you were talking and pointing I am sure…

For Susan’s contest


Details | Limerick | |

Toe Jam

I once had a friend named Pete
Who never liked to wash his feet
Every time he removed his shoes
Your nose was bound to lose
Was foot powder obsolete?


Details | Limerick | |

Baby Gaga of Verse

Since the time I was wearing a bib,
I was wise to the guys. That’s no fib!
“Hey, Baby,” I’d say,
“Come on over and play.
You just meet me tonight in my crib!”

And while most kids were learning to poo,
I was thinking up poems by age two.
I could coo a sweet verse
With no need to rehearse
Saying things like, “I’m gaga for you.”

I was writing my lines by age three
And creating sublime poetry.
First boys and then men
I caught with my pen.
LADY Gaga of verse now: that’s me!

For Susan Burch's
Ridiculous Self Exaggerations Poetry Contest

And now for PD's anything Goes!!!




Details | Limerick | |

Limericks 10

1.

There was a young man named Bruce
Who to the Middle East offered a truce?
He would build a brick wall 
Over a thousand feet tall
Then paint it a dark shade of puce

2.

There was a young lady named Ruth
She sometimes forgot to tell the truth
Her mum would get mad
And so would her dad
But only while she was a youth

3.

Poor Peter was awfully well bred
And a Christian life he had led
Nobody cried
When the poor fellow died
They just gave him to god instead

4.

A final stab in the dark
It’s late and sod this for a lark
I just want my bed
But words whirl round my head
So I’m writing whilst out in the park

5.

Catch all you thoughts in a jar
Like the one about your favourite car
Keep em locked in a draw
Look at them some more
Then release them and let them fly far

6.

In cricket I batted a two
Round the field the ball it just flew
The bowlers just could not cope
As the ball hit the boundary rope
Soon a hundred I did accrue

7.

I’d like to ride a real tall horse
In the company of John Wayne of course
With Clint Eastwood by our side
Going for a long hard ride
With our six guns the law we’d enforce

8.

I once owned a Honda Accord
The only car that I could afford
I kept it pristine
Polished to a high sheen
It never let me down when abroad

9.

An old man of ninety three
Said he could not wait to see
His telegram from Queen
So a hundred he’d seen
Now that’s what I call optimistically 

10.

At last I have reached number ten
As the ink has run out of my pen
I will get a refill
Take a headache pill
Then maybe start over again



If You managed to stay awake through this well so did I,  and if you read them all then you deserve a medal, thanks for your patience, all the best Owen


Details | Limerick | |

Fried Pants

Written on May 17, 2012

Mr. Phiburn, a man who had tried
To live not by the sword, but all lies
No surprise where he went
For him, eternity was spent
Wearing pants that were
Very well fried.

Inspired by: “Liar, liar pants on fire”



Gail's Note: To those who have commented on my poetry within the past few weeks. Thank you, and I apologize for my non-responsiveness.  I haven't been able to be as involved with the soup recently.  I hope to become more involved again within the next few weeks or so.


Details | Limerick | |

The Birds and the Bees

.



                                        
                                         An old dove who was a swinger
                                         found a bee with double stinger
                                         Hours passed cooing coo
                                         so the owls shouted shoo!
                                         She went to complain to “Springer”







Ruben Ortellao


Details | Limerick | |

Paper or Plastic

And It's Better for the Environment Too!(that's my real title!!)

If somebody asks you to place
a bag on your head. . . What disgrace!
You’re too chatty, I bet,
or maybe worse yet. . .
they might just hate seeing your face!

Choosing plastic I think you will hate
(though for stopping one’s talking it’s great).
Plastic over your head,
and you’re going to be dead.
Using plastic makes folks suffocate!

Here’s advice I'd give to you guys:
In a paper bag poke little eyes.
You’ll be able to view
things, but we won’t see YOU,
And above all, nobody dies!!

For Susan Burch's contest: Plastic or Paper?


Details | Limerick | |

Backstage Disaster

Learned lots of things in theater workshop class
I was surprised when I learned I had passed
     Just one tool I'd not mastered
     The great Nail Gun Disaster
I had nailed the director in the _ss


Entry for PD's latest limerick contest.  Written June 6, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Victoria's Secret

With terrain and angles galore
Nature has objects to adore
But what is this glitch?
A non-working bra hitch
Hides the peaks we want to explore


Details | Limerick | |

Where Do Crickets Go

Where Do Crickets Go?

As winter approaches, their songs die out
Their gentle chirping I can’t live without
     Field mice make their way inside
     Lizards under my couch hide
So what’s with the crickets; have they no clout?

The crickets in Florida grow quite large
Perhaps in cold times they cruise on a barge
     Carnival Cruise Line reject
     Like Dangerfield, no respect
Not even an honorable discharge

Do they erect shelters ‘neath a snow mound?
Their disappearance surely does confound
     Like snowbirds, do they leap south
     Hearing winter’s roaring mouth?
Could they be in a Mexican camp ground?

The wasps and bees, well, they disappear too
But I give no thought to the stinging crew
     As surely as the sun shines
     I miss crickets’ unique whines
But in spring their songs will return on cue


*Entry for Francine’s “Write Me a Happy Poem” contest
By Carolyn Devonshire, November 1, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Dexter

A serial killer named Dexter
His victim's wounds they would just fester
He causes great fear
To those that are near
He'll pounce on a mouse just like a jester

© 2013 Rick Zablocki


Details | Limerick | |

Mars And Venus

On Mars it's a man you will see.
On Venus a lady will be.
     But what's so amazing,
     Will make all your heads ring.
They both get together with glee!


Details | Limerick | |

Iguana

One day with her pet lizard, on a
warm beach lay the sex goddess Shawna.
One who ogled her bust
tried to claim he was just
enthralled by her lovely iguana!

For john freeman's Giggle 2 Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Nervous Bride

Nervous Bride
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013


Her wedding day was drawing near.
She tried to hide her fear.
The more she tried,
The more she cried.
Would anxiety ever disappear?


Details | Limerick | |

Running Taxes

Many returns are sent by faxes
Declaring our earnings for taxes
When they don't work it out
Please give me a shout
Next time I'll send them some laxatives


Details | Limerick | |

An Old Gal From Nantucket

There was an old gal from Nantucket
Who carried around a big bucket
When asked what's in it
She had a great fit
Her lobster too big for her pocket


Details | Limerick | |

Tyrantasaurus Rexsue

There once was a T-Rex named Thor
Who found he couldn't reach for
His family jewels
So improvised "tools" -
That's why all the dinos are saur!


If you judge by the 
size of it's feet, the T-Rex
was ENORMOUS.


3/16/12
for "Show Me the Funny" contest


Details | Limerick | |

HEAVEN

There once was a husband in heaven
His faults per hour averaged seven
In spite of all of his rot
His wife would scold not
Ah, this husband was living in heaven!

2-14-14

Form: Limerick 
Contest: Husbands are in Heaven whose wives scold not (Top Ten Winner)
Sponsored by: Dr.Ram Mehta


Details | Limerick | |

Blockhead

Can not think of any words to write
I have tried all day and night
Hey I have writers block
No they say what a crock
Wrote this so looks like they are right
Contest: Block~Block~Limerick Sponsor: Destroyer~Poet Written By: Carol Brown 2nd Place Winner For Nathan "Your Best Limerick Contest" 5th Place Winner


Details | Limerick | |

A Not So Good Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.*


11/16/12
*(I realize elateful is not a word, but I claim poetic
   license.)































Details | Limerick | |

Billy Carter Beer

Billy Carter was a sluggard I hear

   His kinfolk he did not always endear

      He embarrassed his brother

         And mortified his mother

            He cared not one whit as he nursed his beer!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

The Ole Blarney Stone

If I were a stone what one would I be?

I'd want to be one, everyone wants to see!

     Like they would for a star,

     folks would come from afar

just to visit the Castle and "ME"!


At Blarney Castle I would not be alone.

As a matter of fact,  I'm very well known!

     Visitors would be quite remiss,

     to not plant a Kiss,

on "ME",  the Ole Blarney Stone!


NOTE:  Blarney Castle is located in 
County Cork, Ireland.  A Stone of 
Eloquence is located in the castle
tower.  Legend has it that if you
kiss the stone, you'll never be lost 
for words!  Thousands go there
every year to kiss the Stone!
I kissed it in July 1984!


Details | Limerick | |

Electic Comb

Gonna take my comb outa my pocket,
May as well kiss it goodby and hock it.
This is much less trying, 
although close to frying.
Just stick my tongue in the light socket.


Details | Limerick | |

Truth In Numbers

"THE whole truth and nothing but the truth" .......


I flunked my math test and I never felt so blue
Geometry I could just not do
Algebra came easy
Other subjects were breezy
Sadly off the honor roll I flew.

Was the very first time I failed a test
I should have cheated to avoid the stress
But that would be wrong
My morals were too strong
I felt like a failure I must confess.

Teacher moved my desk way up in the front
My eyesight is not the problem I grunt
He said, just pay attention
Or I will add detention
You will learn, his intentions were blunt.

Many hours I tried to comprehend
I think his teaching skills I did offend
Plenty of intimidation
Loads of frustration 
For I did not learn 'G' in the end.

By: Cecilia Macfarlane 02/27/12012
For: Truth!! Or Dare Contest
Sponsor: Destroyer ~ Poet 


Details | Limerick | |

Rabbits Habits

Due to their very prolific habits

   My property is teeming with rabbits

      There are cotton tails galore

         So many I can't keep score

            'Tis a disgrace the way they cohabits

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in Carol Brown's "Bunny Rabbits" Contest - February 2012


Details | Limerick | |

The Loathsome Bard

He stands before us
to deliver 
a poem,a prose,a
verse a 
rhyme or message.

His manner quite
manifesting,
and his confidence 
puts the crowd at
ease. 
Soon and very soon,
too soon- we loath
him.               

There is
to much cluster on
his grandiloquent
vine,of strung
together 
words without
substance.

Tho the use of
an,apophasis 
gives poetic license
to insult. 
we loathe him
instantly.

The silver-tongued
orator's
brilliance,soon
becomes wearisome.
While the mute
articulate points of

his eccentric
ramblings leads us
to dead ends. 

Unfulfilled and
burdened.
We now loath him.
 
The loathsome Bard 
goes on to rant
about,degrading 
and dissolute issues
of life,which we
felt the
Bard had not 
concern about.
           
His bombast
delivery,
to some appears
eloquent,
grand-stand
language,bellowed
out quite
grandiloquent.

Wordy vagaries,
leading us nowhere.
As we listen to the
FANFARONADE  
of his charades,we
loathe him.
 
Tho quite colorful
and pompous,he leave
us in 
shambles, brains all
scrambled and we
loathe
him.

The once brilliant
verse, though 
well rehearsed, is
wearisome.! 

The Bard,went not in
hard;
We the
discombobulated
pray aloud"next poet

please Lord"

We all were relieved
as he finally did
leave,
because he looked 
better going than
coming; 

With our intellect
he was toying, 
tho the Bard was not
hard ....!!!!
Most certainly; He
was annoying !


Details | Limerick | |

Corn Squeezin's

In the hills lived a bootlegger named Hughes

   Who 'stilled corn squeezin's you couldn't refuse

      He was one lucky bloke

         'Til the law saw the smoke

            He now lives in the pen for peddlin' booze

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Limerick Contest

There once was a lady named Queen
That loved going out on Halloween
She’d give the kids a fright
That lasted more than a night
With ghostly looks and lips of green


Details | Limerick | |

Double Disappointment

I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”


Details | Limerick | |

DUET FOR CUPID'S HOT BABES

HOT BABE #1 FLUNKS
"""""""""""""""""""""""

hot babe craved for cruise in Bahamas
sweet - talked boyfriend with soapy dramas
   how she loves to brag
   packing her big bag...
his note she read, ”i’m off to Mara’s”
                             
                        -----------

HOT BABE #2 FLIES
"""""""""""""""""""""

my  gal friend thinks she’s feb’s ultra dame
whose lover asked for simple date game
   “ fine dining!” she mused
   damn broke, he refused...
she barked, “i'll tell your wife who i am! ”

------------------------------


Details | Limerick | |

Living Vivid

The orange flowers attract bumble bees
Yellow and black bees stung my red knees
Dance round flailing and wailing  crimson legs
Devilish dimples arose;  scratch pegs
Several amber ants stung white toes


Details | Limerick | |

Star Wars Limericks

I write Star Wars limericks with aplomb.
'Cuz Star Wars is simply the bomb!
But they don't appear
On this nice website here,
They're at Starwarslimericks dot blogspot dot com!

No special effects there, I'm sorry.
A few pictures but nothing too gory.
I start at the beginning
And I keep on spinning
Retelling the whole Star Wars story!


Details | Limerick | |

MISTER GREEN JEANS

Oh, there once was a boy named Dave
Mister Green Jeans nick-name they gave
Mom had found a good deal
Seven pairs for a steal
He'll carry the name to his grave!

*In seventh grade my mom found some green jeans for a dollar a pair on clearance.  
She bought every pair in my size.  She always intended to buy my some other pants.. 
It didn't happen.  Being nick-named Mr. Green Jeans was not cool.  
Fortunately I recovered in 8th grade :)

Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich
Contest Name: YAY for St. PATRICK'S DAY: ONE PERFECT LIMERICK part 2 

3-17-14


Details | Limerick | |

Silly Sally

In her skirt, she swang high in the air.

Said her boyfriend: “I see underwear!”

Sally just shook her head

and then laughingly said:

"But I’ve got nothing on me down there!"



Written June 21, 2014

For the Bawdy Limericks II Poetry Contest of Roy Jerden


Details | Limerick | |

IS IT RESOLVED

The holidays are a time when we hold loved ones close

making New Year's resolutions to be better and not so morose.

With trimming the tree,  the gifts, the cards, the good wishes for all

Spending too much time and money at the mall.

Our hangover on Jan 2nd makes our resolutions go out the windows.


Details | Limerick | |

Why Our Beer is Now Green

There once was a man named O'Dean
Who wasn't too bright or too keen
He sneezed at the bar
Filling everyone's jar
And, that's why our beer is now green


Details | Limerick | |

The Sound of the Fiber

Although they called me a Flake with some Trix

I say " Cheerio(s) !" -  with my puckered lips

Grabbed my golden spoon

Jumped in a balloon

Kellogg's and I fly  to eat some Mueslix...



for Poet Destroyer's Contest "Your Favorite Cereal"


Details | Limerick | |

Rock Paper Scissors

How badly you want a ride on my bike
How many times I've said "go take a hike"
To settle this dispute
Rock-paper-scissors...SHOOT!
My scissors crashes as your rock does strike


Details | Limerick | |

A Whole Week Color-Mania

Colors will always make my  life happier,
They also make my whole world brighter
       What if there’s no color?
       I think,  I’ve  no life galore
And I cannot make myself much prettier.

So, I’ve got a more fantastic idea,
To show everyone my color-mania
     For Monday Luck,  I wear red
     From my feet to my head
Like a  dragon of New Year in China.

Then comes the next day, it’s Tuesday
Keeping  aura,  I’ve color of sun ray
    Yellow dress  and jewelries,
    They say,  I’ve  hepatitis
But, I don’t care no matter what they say.

Then comes the third day of the week,
More work are done making me weak
    To conceal my exhaustion 
    Green color shows pretention
That my life and vigor are still at peak.

Thursday comes so perfectly great,
I wear purple , also my favorite
    Purple  fingernails and lips,
    Its on me up to the tips
And I get smiles from whoever I meet.

Friday, the last day of my  office work,
On this day,  rainbow color over perk
   I use multi-colored things,
   Feeling of joy they’ll  bring
 No one says I carry myself like a quirk.

Saturday and Sunday are weekends, 
Still, work and activities never end
    Two days, I’ll be all in pink
    People see me can’t wink
Tickled pink that I look so young my friend.




Sept. 22, 2012

First Place
Contest: Colors
Judged: 10/15/2013
Sponsor: Poetess Skat


Details | Limerick | |

Necklace-less

In a Mall, Ninjas looked for necklaces Suddenly predators attacked wreckless There followed grim fight Both used their utmost might Sharpened swords making both of them neck-less
=============================== Syllable count 10/10/6/6/10 (Followed is three syllabic according to PS Counter) Eight Place win in: Dr.Ram Mehta


Details | Limerick | |

Fred's House Cleaning Fix

Home alone lived the widower, Fred with no inkling at all in his head of how to clean house. Without his dear spouse, Fred was facing his clutter with dread. Everywhere there were cobwebs and dust. Even pieces of old pizza crust! And a horrid new smell Fred began to inhale while surveying the mess with disgust. It smelled just like a rat there had died, so Fred flew into action. He cried, “Cleaning service I’ll pay. I must call them today, and next week I will search for a bride!” Written March 16, 2012 For Francine Roberts' Cobwebs and Dust Poetry Contest Theme: Cobwebs and Dust


Details | Limerick | |

Circus Acts - Beware the Common Cold

The phenomenon known as a sneeze Hits with major velocity. Jeez! What a mess might ensue If you heard an “A-choo!” From the guy on the flying trapeze.
For The Sneezing Limerick Poetry Contest hosted by ~Gwendolen~


Details | Limerick | |

Rock Around The Clock



Bill Haley sang Rock Around The Clock In gay abandon back and forth kids did rock Some lost their composure Showed too much exposure Gendarmes made them put on their socks © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

remedy required

I ache from my nose to my knees; I sniffle and snuffle and wheeze. A small tot of rum might settle my tum, but what should I take for a sneeze? ~


Details | Limerick | |

Resolution Bittersweet

I ate to many sweets this past year.
My sweet tooth is the culprit I fear.
Stopping my sweet treats,
Will be bittersweet .
Resolution this year is unclear.

Pull my sweet tooth is what I will do.
Which one will I pull, have I a clue?
It is my mindset,
I need to except,
To limit all my sugary chews.



For Gwendolen's contest, "Limerick in My Pocket"


Details | Limerick | |

The Squeeze Is On

I know why they stuff stuff in tubes THAT'S for shore
They hope I won't mash it and milk it no more
They want me to waste
My precious toothpaste
And squeeze out more money at Wally's drugstore


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry

i am not a very good poet
you’d have to be deaf not to know it
so lend me your ear 
and you will hear
the way i’m going to show it


Details | Limerick | |

Dan of the Land

There's a man named Dan of the Land
His poems humorous, never bland
With a flick of his wrist
He writes prose with a twist
From a mind that is always unmanned


Details | Limerick | |

Flu Greetings

There once was a man with the flu
Shaking hands saying "How do you do?"
When next did we meet
My reply to his greet
Was a germ-ridden, spitting "Achoooo!!"


Details | Limerick | |

What Makes me Act Uncool

Though I don’t get upset when at school,
and in accidents I remain cool,
be it anything dire,
like a storm or a fire,
there’s not often I act like a fool. . . . 

When recording the shows I adore
and the last episode I wait for
becomes lost or destroyed,
I’m more than annoyed.
Like a crazy gorilla, I roar!


(Still kicking myself for losing the final
episode of "Damages,"season 2, on FX!)

For Susan Burch's
Overreactions and Drama Queens Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

I Just Can't Win: My Petty Peeves

I had just woken up feeling great like I barely had gained any weight. But not so says my scale!! The despair I can't quell. So I go pile more food on a plate. Next, the car on a side street I spy pulls out quickly in front of me. Why? I'd been going 60. But now I'm at 50. Why can't slowpokes let fast folks pass by? Then the store checkout line is not fast. So I change to line two. I'm aghast. The first just got quicker Line two was a trickster. Yes, the last shall be first; the first, last. I race home because there is something I've recorded. For me, that 's a big thing. But I mope and I pout The power had gone out. While away from my home, I taped nothing. And so I've proceeded to bake A costly and chocolate-filled cake. A most horrible taste! Salt for sugar I'd placed, and I've got no more flour for a remake. I'm in bed. There's this really good show. But my eyes won't stay open. Oh, no! In the a.m. it's one. I awake. My show's done. Like in life, the end I can't know!


Details | Limerick | |

It's In The Jeans

 The young man stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus
Along came the sexiest looking young lady he ever saw  
She had on tight, stretched blue denims that marked her curves
Her shape was as the Coca Cola bottle as the saying goes

“Hi princess, can I be of any assistance to get your jeans off
I can imagine it will be a challenge for you without some help”
Smiling and blushing the young lady pass her hands over her hips
Letting the young man imaginations run wild like wild stallions

The bus came and he let her go up ahead of him, like a gentleman
She went into the nearest seat, he sat beside her claiming his territory 
“So, may I come home with you so we can discard this intrusion to your beauty?”
“Well, since you ask so nicely and you are such a gentleman, of course you may”

They got off at her stop and she led the way to her apartment’s door
His eyes never leaving her blue denim clad sexy voluptuous curves
What a treat I have tonight he thought, I will make her want me over and over
I will slowly peel off that tight blue jeans while kissing every inch of her

“Can I get you something to drink,” she ask.  “Yes, may I have a cold beer please?”
He sips his beer, she her tonic wine, while they try to get more acquainted 
With every word he says he draws closer, destroying the space between them
Finally he touches her, peeling the jeans away, the prize within his grasp

He is kissing her all over her face, lips and neck.  Not looking from the face down
Suddenly he looked to where his hands were busy.  Hello!  He is thinking.  Where 
are all the curves?
What is this I am seeing?  All the loose skin kept in by the tight blue sexy denim was 
hanging
Things did fall apart, all pun intended, because the young man ran like the devil was 
after him




Details | Limerick | |

From the Underside (Chair Speak Limericks)

Why is it you never show me your face?
My feelings are hurt, so you I’ll replace!
     Find another on which to pounce
     Each time your team takes a bad bounce
The damage you’ve done cannot be erased

Even my fine leather is marred with grooves
From all your fanatic football fan moves
     Get off your duff, I must rebuff
     You’ve made my lining far too rough
Each time you move, I hope the team will lose

I have already called a moving van
To transport me to a gentler land
     Where people of grace sip green tea
     Pontificating times that be
By dawn in my place you’ll find the trash can


Details | Limerick | |

Sounded Good At The Time





In the New Year I resolved to lose weight 
I thought I'd start by using a small plate
But with a big sigh
I piled it up high
Dang, once more the idea not so great...


For the New Years Resolution contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of a Lizard

Written: January 2, 2009
Updated: April 23, 2012

There once was a lizard named Rex(ie)
Whose head was always tilted and ready
Sitting next to the glass wall
Patiently waiting for Paul
To feed him tasty hornworm bread(ie).


Note: Part of the Portrait Poetry Collection


Details | Limerick | |

Dick Tracy

If I were a boy I’d wear mini skirts
I wouldn’t be manly for what it’s worth 
I love girly things
Like ribbons and rings -
I’d be a sexy transvestite who flirts!


3/25/12
For Frank's "If I were a boy" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Gazuntite




There was a model, a pretty young lass,
She had an attitude ; was full of sass,
Whenever she would sneeze,
Her stomach would squeeze,
And inevitably she would pass gas.

One night she modeled in  her very best
And ate prunes and dates as a guest,
On stage she strutted her stuff
And you guessed it sure enough,
She sneezed and had to change her dress.

Her husband’s name was Billy Mcfeeny
Considered by her to be a meany
He told her don’t be so sad,
It’s not really that bad
You could have been wearing a bikini !


Written for:
helping Gwendolyn giggle “ sneezing limerick contest”


Details | Limerick | |

Natty and Patty

There once was a golfer named Natty
Who hired a young caddy called Patty
Patty loved gossip
Natty said 'Stop it!'
'Just caddy! You're driving me batty!'

3/28/2013
Craig's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Lipstick

“Be this lipstick on your collar, McNeer?”,
The question inside him struck fear
  - But, a lie he’d not tell
  - “ ‘T was ye sister, Belle …”
Funerals' tomorrow I hear.


Details | Limerick | |

A Pink Oops


Inebriated Bob painted his house bright pink His poor neighbors raised a hell-of-a stink Then in October Finally got sober Took one look at the house and asked for a drink
For the Tickle Me Pink contest


Details | Limerick | |

OCD

Obsessive workers in their seat 
Anal about documents neat
Choose never to rush
Or the toilet to flush  
Unless the paperwork's complete


Details | Limerick | |

Sure Ain't as Bad as I Thought

I just hit rock bottom I fear
(That landing sure tore up my rear)
Don't know which way's up
But hey, ya' know what?
I'm starting to like it down here


Details | Limerick | |

Cool Car

Cool Car
Dr. James E. Martin
©June, 2013

The car was very fast.
It always needed to be gassed.
It took all my dough,
To stay on the go,
No gas station could ever be passed.


Details | Limerick | |

How to give a guy a premarital suitability exam

Before the "I do" she must choose
A man that does well in dance shoes
His psyche gives a clue
When employing step two
Ply him to the limit with booze


Details | Limerick | |

A Trip to the Dentist

I went to the dentist today,
And the fee that I had to pay,
For one little tooth,
Was highly uncouth.
It's highway robbery, I say!

7/18/13


Details | Limerick | |

Suz and Shawna's Cruise

The dancing all night was what Suz
loved most about taking a cruise.
In her beautiful gown
she felt very let down,
for she'd packed only tennis shoes!

The next day a big lizard on a
warm beach crawled on Suz's friend Shawna.
Guys who ogled her bust
tried to say they were just
enthralled by the lovely iguana.


For john freeman's Boisterous Comedy Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Silly Woman

There was a silly woman from Detroit Who at everything was adroit She couldn't ev'n boil an egg She just kept them in a keg And then she threw them like a quoit. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.21.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Blockheads

"At a Place Called Mr. Quick's"

Serving burgers called “Quickies” I spent
time at work as a teen, and no gent
would I too often see!
Many blockheads asked me
for a quickie (a burger not meant)! 


For P.D's  BLOCK~ BLOCK~ BLOCK Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Chimp Jim and Dandy

Once me and my chimp friend bald Jim
flew through a forest limb to limb
his opposable thumb
got caught in my ho-hum
thank God old Jim’s not real prim.

My name is Miss Fine and Dandy
Bald Jim often brings me candy
a banana toffee
always does it for me
and him, since he's oh so randy.


Details | Limerick | |

Indian-Giver invigoration-w

Ram followed “Indian Giver” as poet
By entering a poem in contest
Results declared by sponsor
He was not a winner
Took back his poem from the contest.

Sponsor wrote don’t mind withdrawal
I have used your poem after all.
Thanks for your entry
Help complete registry
Good luck to use it for other call.
     
                     *****

Dr.Ram Mehta

This is not personal write. It is purely fictional: 

I was inspired reading on the term"Indian Giver" 
and have tried to draw essence and humor from it.

There are two popular etymologies for this term for a person who gives a 
gift only to later demand its return. The first is that it is based on an unfair
stereotype of Native Americans, that they don't keep their word. 
In the other popular explanation, the term doesn't cast aspersions on 
Native Americans, instead it echoes the broken promises the whites 
made to the Indians. Neither is accurate.


==============================
Seventh place win in

Contest: Indian Giver by P.D.


Details | Limerick | |

SLICK LIMERICK


a dancing queen called nette onclaud rocked hip hop steps in tasseled shroud she leapt in thin air wind blew her false hair... shaved head bowed to a cheering crowd *yayy! * © ----------- CONTEST: PD’s Slick Limerick


Details | Limerick | |

Just a Pettit Limerick

There once was a Pole from St. Paul,
Who thought she had heard it all,
Until she read Pettit
She just didn't get it
He writes with such wit and such gall.


[Inspired by Robert Pettit's 'Polish' limerick]


Details | Limerick | |

The Geico Gecko

Geico's Gecko is a strange little dude

   Talking funny and strolling in the nude

      But be that as it may

         I'm sure he earns his pay

            At selling insurance he's mighty shrewd

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Replacement Teacher

There once was a teacher from Crete
Whose foot size was very petite.
But her students did plot
And to high school they brought,
Some shoes for oversize feet.


Details | Limerick | |

The Handy Man

There was a bearded Irish man
who had the very largest hand
whose fingers plunged
when my hips lunged 
all his digits at my command. 


Details | Limerick | |

Southern Comfort

Cletus finds comfort in Southern Comfort

   The day is lost if he don't have a snort

      He doesn't like Four Roses

         Old Turkey he opposes

            He prefers Southern Comfort by the quart

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

.
There once was a poet named Sara
Who did Tommy a great favor
She cooked him some good lunch
He ate a great big bunch
Now food he no longer savors

In honor of Destroyer A Poet~
Contest: "Write a limerick using your poetry soup name."


Details | Limerick | |

Crash Landing Love

On my first day in a car factory
A simple girl threw herself at me
I guess I was standing
Too close to the landing
Of the car filled with crash test dummies


Details | Limerick | |

Accepting the Bulge

She went to the beach with a blanket.
Her fat all around...could not tuck-it.
String bikini and sand
Covered less than her hand.
Her spouse hid his head in a bucket.

Revised and reposted for Andrea's Limerick Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Guilty Secret

I have a shameful secret to tell I never really learnt how to spell Tho’ try as I might It seldom comes right But my checker, SHE does very well
Contest: Challenge—Max 8 Lines Sponsor: Russell Sivey Margaret Foster Oct 10th 2011


Details | Limerick | |

The Day After

O'Leary was sick drinking beer 
He hoped it would all disappear
There was no one around
As he crawled on the ground
Thanking God that the bathroom was near


Details | Limerick | |

Befor I Hit The Floor

If two was to many then i'll have tweenty six.
Trade ya a bad habbit for a rusty knife and your sisters nude pics.
Maybe im insane do you really care to find out.
Order in the court yes your honor I'll have a stout.

So many warnings Mr Gonzo how could you ignore?
I make being wreckless a fashion statement.
Now excuse me befor i hit the floor.

A few bar fights yet still im standing.
When i come through that door sweetheart .
Apon this floor theres no telling where im landing.

Just door me one in old boozer's dish.
If only this world would stop spinning well i can at least wish.


Its hard to let go of the ground when you fear of falling into the 
sky.
A pervert ,Drunk,Womanizer,Demented nutcase.
Other than that im a swell guy.

Insanity is many things but never a bore.
I say cheers to bad habbits and loose women.
It's always a blast befor i hit the floor.


Details | Limerick | |

TYRANNOSEANUS WRECKS

 
 Old uncle Tee Rex was a bore .

 He could burp a huge belch and then snore .

 When he dumped his wife , Dyna

 From South Carolina

 It sure made my aunt Dyna sore .




Haiku
+++++


  Prehistoric King

  Who knows , when your reign ended .

  Not Man's fault , this time !.



Sean Kelly.
For the PD , Dinoverysoreus contest.






Details | Limerick | |

The Naked Truth

<                                our top story tonight is Lawyers
                                  a pain in the ass and real spoilers
                                  with  fancy cars homes suits
                                  fifteen hundred kaboot
                                  rather hire cowboy wearing just spurs






Entry For Carolyn Devonshire's 
Lawyer Limerick's Contest

GL All
                                  
                                  


Details | Limerick | |

Gold Mold

There once was a man from Kissimmee
Who dabbled a bit in alchemy
  When he got some bread mold
  To turn into pure gold
The government went and said gimme


Note: Kissimmee is pronounced kiss SIM ee


Details | Limerick | |

What is it all about

After life's most noteworthy prize
All must reach a final demise
This was their best love
Say the wise from above 
Large pizza and super-size fries 


Details | Limerick | |

My Favourite Dish

Currently my favourite dish
is not mutton,chicken or fish
a soup of poetry
it's delicious, cost free
and I'm tasting  it with great relish.


Details | Limerick | |

Mazel Tov



A Jewish attorney, Raskolnikov,
his Buddhist half-brother, Kaletnikov,
now here comes the bother,
they mimic each other,
so who gets 'good health!' or a 'mazel tov?'


Details | Limerick | |

Prep Talk

<                                      Peter ~ Piper ~ picked ~ pickled .... peppers
                                        Ate ~ one ~ turned ~ into ~ hot ~ salsa ... stepper
                                                Cherry ~ Banana ~ ....  Bell 
                                         Boy - his - tongue - throat - did ... swell
                                         Couldn't ~ even ~ yell ~ at ~ packs ... prepper






Entry For
Destroyer {Poet's }
Pickles & Tickles Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

Enticed, go West, but East-wood be best

“Enticed, go by West, but by East-wood be best” The GPS, a best, many confess, With sultry voices sounding like May West. Gotta know limitations, Use Atlas on vacations. Do you feel lucky punk? Then GPS! In Honor of Carolyn And Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Are you glad to see me or is that just a wrinkle

There was an old couple quite wizen
Stark nude in the mirror just risen
   Both Larry and Linda
   Could see their pudenda
But couldn't tell her'n from his'n


Details | Limerick | |

No Farting Allowed

There was a man named Fred Who liked eating baked beans in bed One day when he farted He and his wife parted 'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred.


Details | Limerick | |

Rabbits' Habits

There's one thing I've noticed about rabbits

   And that's their very prolific habits

      Their birth rate they could reduce

         Should Brer Hare Cease to seduce

            And banned from places Miz Hare inhabits

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Swine-Flu Paranoia

I fear you are spreading a dreadful disease
You cough sounds contagious...I shrink when you sneeze!
I have one small issue
Where the HECK is your tissue?
Don't spray your infection on ME (If you please)


Details | Limerick | |

Dracula

Dracula was a blood sucking bloke,
Dressed in a flowing, black cloak.
If you looked into his eyes,
You'd be hypnotized,
Then he'd sink his fangs in your throat.

9/19/12


Details | Limerick | |

If Suddenly I Were a Boy

(all in good fun, GUYS) If suddenly I were a boy, I wonder if I’d feel much joy! Well, no longer a “her,” there is one thing for sure: I would check out my new boy “toy“! For in front of the mirror I’d stand with my new apparatus in hand. I would give it a go to see how it would grow and I’m sure that its size would be grand! As a girl I have worked out a lot, so strong muscles I’ve already got. All those times in the gym would mean that as a “him,” my body should be smoking hot! I’d stand out from my head to my toes, so I’d go out and shop for new clothes. Since I know what girls love, I would have a lot of expertise that I’d want to expose! All the ladies would be calling me, for I'd know what they liked naturally. But what if my mind stayed too much a girl’s kind? Hmmmmm, a gay boy would I then be? For the Contest of frank herrera: IF I WERE A BOY__Gals~~IF I WERE A GIRL__Guys Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Message to My X

I fell in love at thirteen
You might say I was quite green
I held his hand tight
He was out of sight
But now he’s being so mean!

At camp, spent days in a tent
His pride had taken a dent
We made up just fine
That sweet boy of mine
But now he seems so hell bent.

He needs some joy in his life
And though he has a great wife
A friend’s always nice
To add some more spice
But he’s afraid of the strife.

I’d shower him with such joy
But he's a silly old boy
He won’t come to play
He must have his way
My heart he’s used like a toy!

“My dear, why can’t you be nice?
Before you end it- think twice
Between you and me  
Let’s make harmony
You’ve made me pay a high price!


Details | Limerick | |

A St Paddy's Day Limerick

I once drank some beer that was green
The weirdest that I’d ever seen
They said, “It’s that way
For St. Patricks day"
I then peed with green in my stream


Details | Limerick | |

The Owl and the Coyote

A lonesome coyote howled deep in the wood
And a most unwise owl somehow misunderstood
Oh, alas and alack!
She rashly hooted back
(And she hooted as hard as she possibly could)

"Who the heck heeds my howl, for god's merciful sake?
Could this perhaps be my potential life mate?"
..."Give a hoot who you hoot at
if you don't know just who 'dat
You hoot at!" screeched the owl a wee bit too late

The gossip that followed defied explanation!
Squirrels scolded scathing and righteous damnation
The eagle screamed from his peak
"Don't even show us your beak!"
(An owl with a tarred and feathered reputation)

The coyote's good name turned muddy and mucky
Rumor spread like the plague so he never got lucky
"Your character is fowl"
Hitting up on an owl?"
(Last I heard he migrated to Kentucky)





Details | Limerick | |

Pickle-itis



Mr Moody yearned for a big pickle His taste buds he needed to tickle He ate twenty four Then fell on the floor Digestion can be oh so fickle


Details | Limerick | |

Where There's A Witch--There's A Way

I know of a witch, with a wart on her nose Day after day, we can watch how it grows! It is thought of by some That it might weigh a ton!! How big could it get?? ...Well, nobody knows!! It itched, she scratched, then rubbed it with lotion Then guzzled two portions of wicked witch potion She chanted a curse Which made it much worse!! Her nose is so huge...it drips like an ocean! Halloween came, so she saddled her broom Climbed on the broom, but her take-off was doomed... The wart was too heavy!! So she got in her Chevy! She zooms through our town, with exhaust fumes in bloom!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Carla

Written by Gail DeBole 

A coupon clipper named Carla
Has a bookshelf of coupons in her parla'.
      She clips more each week,
      Treats each like an antique,
And guards them against any burgla'.


Note: Part of the Portrait Poetry Collection


Details | Limerick | |

excuse Bruce

 There was a fellow named Bruce
Who  always had an excuse
When his wife caught him cheating
She gave him a beating
And threw him out on his caboose

So he went to his mistress
in desperation and distress
But he got under her skin
as his excuses grew thin
So she threw him out, she wasn't impressed


Details | Limerick | |

Tiddlywinks

I reckon my prime sport is tiddlywinks

   Don't take much energy and little thinks

      I can sit and flip the disks

         Sans cracked skull and other risks

            That might occur while golfing on the links

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in Royal Trevino's "My Favorite Sport" Contest - Feb 2011



Details | Limerick | |

I Prefer a Little Water with My Tea

Head straight to the coffee pot after I pee
What happened this morning? Good god mercy me
Empty Folgers can
Was I pissed? Yes ma’am
(Four extra-large bags make a fine cup ‘o tea)


Details | Limerick | |

Watched by Men in Black

My phone is being tapped; I’m sure of it
I called a government guy a nitwit
     Why did I post that blog?
     Am I in such a fog?
Perhaps I should have called him a half-wit

The letter to the editor was hot
Just look at how many comments it got
     Not one soul disagreed
     It started a stampede
All wanting to lash out at the big shot

Men in black are outside wearing a grin
Now I fear everyone who isn’t kin
     Strange cameras appeared
     At home – they look so weird
I believe paranoia has set in



*Entry for Susan’s: Big Brother-Who’s Watching You and Why” contest.


Details | Limerick | |

The GURU

There was an old guru from France
Who found himself stuck in a trance
His muscles were buff
He'd had quite enough
"I'm stuck call an air ambulance".

©2013 Rick Zablocki


Details | Limerick | |

A Handful of Wheat

To sing a song charming and sweet what I need is handful of wheat, guess who am I love that blue sky not in the Twitter still can tweet! ========================== Placement:9th; (October 2011) Contest:Cereal Limerick Sponsor:Irma Linda


Details | Limerick | |

Ilene Bauer - Funny Girl Extraordinaire

Ah, the brilliant wit of Ilene Bauer

   Her poems entertain me by the hour

      No matter what she squiggles

         She's sure to educe giggles

            Brightening my mien when I am dour

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Incarcerated




He cut some corners when filing his tax
Now poor man is going in for the  max
He got nailed
Cant get bailed
Of appeals his lawyers now have stacks
    


For Carolyn's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Multilingual in Love

Did you hear about Don? What a guy! On the pretty gals he had his eye. But he had zero chance with them all. At romance he kept messing up, for he was shy. In a language school Don then enrolled where he learned words of love, I am told. Of cute *senoritas he’d ask for *besitas. His tongue was becoming quite bold! The language of his newest dear he’d be whispering into her ear: With “Jet’aime,” “Querido,” “Kuss mich” or “Ti amo” - Through all Europe he roamed without fear. With his sweet words, he’d go on and on till he tired of a girl and be gone. And that’s how a guy named Don, once so shy, is now known as a famous *Don Juan. *senoritas = young ladies (in Spanish) *besitas = little kisses (in Spanish) *Jet'aime = I love you (in French) *Querido = My dear (in Spanish) *Kuss mich = Kiss me (in German) *Ti amo = "I love you (in Italian) *Don Juan= name for a womanizer (Spanish/English) For Debbie Guzzi's Bi-Lingual Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Plain Computer Talk

”. Errors, error, press on “any key
Yes our minds are a clutter you see.
I told you what to do.
Now you are turning blue.
No” any key” shows itself to me.


Details | Limerick | |

Candy Lips

She wore red candy lips on Halloween They didn't know she was a vampire queen Her kiss was so sweet Swept him off his feet Sadly,no trace of him has ever been seen
Barbara Gorelick 7/21/12


Details | Limerick | |

You Stink

<                            Once came along a super ninja
                              Dagger Nunchucks Gi sword Wala
                              Hiding in the sewer
                              Got covered with manure
                              Fear not his weapons but hands haha


                             
                              


Details | Limerick | |

SOME KIND OF RED DATE


When Kate arrived in a dipped red frock Her date’s toupee flew off, black from shock; When asked, “you’re really bald?” His face whitened and stalled, “I’m comic you see, one of my props.” A mouse at dinner poked the blondish chick Aghast was she; pink face grew sick. Guy planned a witty threat Stuffed wig on Kate’s cream breast; Then meowed at the rat until it squeaked. Lisa Cooper’s Tickle Me Contest


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone


February Funny Bone

I know a young lady so fine
Her good looks almost made me blind
I bought some dark shades
To cut down the glaze
And now that young lady is mine


Curtis Moorman
5 February 2012

For Linda-Maries contest


Details | Limerick | |

Fire In The Hole

<                                        once there was ten devious children
                                          oh how they did a poor little sin
                                          brother had passed some gas
                                          they lit match to his ass
                                          dam dog was even wearing a grin






Entry For
John Freeman's
Giggle Poetry Contest # 2
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

Felipe The Fish

I once heard of a young fish named, Felipe
Who floated up to consider a leap
His friends did shout
For him to jump out
But he was afraid the air was too deep


Details | Limerick | |

Contest Winners Page

There once was a contest winners page.

I heard that it was all the rage.

People would go there to see,

If they had sweet victory,

But, it's been gone for a coons age.


Details | Limerick | |

Iths The Cold And Flu Theason

My nothe ith sthopped up and I can't respthire

   My lungths are congeshted and all afire

      My eyeths are rheumy and red

         Perthspiration floods my bed

             Merthy Lord! I think I'm gonna exthpire

       

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Righths Retherved

First Place in Gwendolyn's " The Sneezing Limerick" Contest - January 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Never Do Today What You Can Put Off Until Tomorrow

I purchased a brand new desktop
Quite sure I will use it alot
Still sits in the corner
Like Little Jack Horner
Procrastinate? Certainly not!


Details | Limerick | |

Mountain Man

Jackson LeGrand is a big hardy mountain man.
He eats rocks for breakfast and pisses out sand.
He has outfoxed foxes and outrun deer.
Each Sunday he drinks his weight in beer.
He even has the nerve to eat spam straight from the can.


Details | Limerick | |

Future Prediction for Home Buyers

Forget about mortgage or rent.
These days with our paychecks fast spent,
In the future I see 
The hot question will be. . . 
How much for one BIG sturdy tent?


For Carolyn Devonshire's Contest: Economic Woes Limerick


Details | Limerick | |

A Lady From Shoals

There once was a lady from Shoals Tenderly tending to her foals Uttered, “What's that I hear? Another post, oh dear No way to keep up with Jack's goals! Yup! She's referring to happy Jackers Churning out poems he's a cracker Really loves what he writes But she has quite a plight She needs more sleep in the sacker She tries catching up with reviews Informing young Jack of her views “Will you not write so fast My computer won't last And I need a chance for a snooze” There once was a lady from Shoals Loved Jackers heart and soul Was his bestest friend ever Thought his writing was clever To please her was his ultimate goal © Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Mega Grouper

Mega Grouper slips past bait fish

Sets his sights on a bigger dish

  “Oh my,” says the diver

  “Am I on Survivor?”

Clings to hope on a prayer and wish



Written for the Attack contest


Details | Limerick | |

Batman And Robin

(Limerick)


Batman and Robin hit the Joker
But their blow was only a croaker
The Joker hit back
But instead hit Jack
Who said "I'm glad, the Joker's an smoker!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright@2014


09.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Pocket Pool?

A political pundit with power
stuffed dollars in his purse by the hour.
When called to court,
he said “Why not, sport?”
My daughter’s in real need of a dower.

And, while running a nasty ad game
He cried out “Why I’m not to blame!”
He did it too,
So *crew to you!
And he rose up on a tide of acclaim?



Details | Limerick | |

Some Limericks...

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
 

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

 
Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!


I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

 
You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

 
A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

 
The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

 
In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

 
Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

 
If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

 
A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!


A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

 
A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

 
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

 
The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Lily Rainbow

Written by Gail DeBole 

Lily Rainbow, a summertime freak,
Was as bold as a mouse is meek.
    After caught in the rain,
    She lived up to her name
With a gold pot tattooed on her cheek.


Note: Part of the Portrait Poetry Collection


Details | Limerick | |

The gun and god combo

"The peacemaker" is Glock's new gun
Its spent rounds are rapture and fun
Yes killing's a thrill
Since I'm mentally ill 
And need to own more than just one

A gun for me is like prozac
The bullets clipped pills in a stack
I'm not paranoid
But have weapons deployed
In case I should have an attack


Details | Limerick | |

Uglies In Love

Freda Cheda was a skank.
Her whole dang body stank.
Frank “Fugly” Ugly loved her anyway.
He thought about her night and day.
They got married and it was quite rank.


Details | Limerick | |

Bug Lover

She had more than a hundred thousand miles
But when I saw the “bug,” it gave me smiles
     Bright and red, it had some kinks
     Radio on -- off it blinks
But the engine withstood many more trials

This tiny Volkswagen looked like an elf
I had learned to change her tires by myself
     She chugged hard going uphill
     Just drive slow, she’d make it still
I knew she’d never be placed on a shelf

With tune-ups and oil lubes, she kept going
And never once did she require towing
     She took me from work to school
     Made me feel so very cool
My love for my bug just kept on growing

Time for a new car come graduation
But it never gave me the sensation
     Of being queen of the road
     When it was time to unload
My cousin drove "bug," e’er making her run

Do you remember the movie “Sleeper”
Bug found in cave seemed claimed by the Reaper
     Woody turned the key; it ran
     A centuries-old life span
I ask myself, “Why didn’t I keep her?”

New is nice, but reliable’s better
That tough old bug was quite the go-getter
     It was just one month later
     I was a new car hater
Driving the Camry, I was a fretter

I tried to buy my old Volkswagen back
To convince my cousin, I had no knack
     He loved my bug, laughed at me
     Refused to return the key
When my new Toyota’s engine did crack 



*By Carolyn Devonshire for Carol Brown’s “My First Car” contest


Details | Limerick | |

Clapper Turns Him On Instead of the Lamp

 
I purchased a “Clapper” for turning off lights Handy at bedtime, when we snuggle down tight But when Hubby would hear My applause in his ears He assumes that it means, “Tonight is the Night!!!!
..................


Details | Limerick | |

Lonely Lou

Lonely Lou was no fool.
He went to an all-girls school.
The principal said: “What The Hey!”
He expelled the boy on his first day.
Lou did get a couple of phone numbers so now he’s cool.   


Details | Limerick | |

Lemmings never pay the phone company

"Tree huggers” use AT&T
The human cost catastrophe
On the horizon
Like text from Verizon
Is sent with the speed of 4G
 
Pollution's still booked at no 
cost
And Earth’s expenses neatly tossed
Off the balance sheet
With a "Sprint" so complete
The effects on nature seem lost 

Yes EPA rules do offend
Those who crave Earth’s wealth without end
They claim to hate debt
But have seen nothing yet
Like phone bills "T-Mobile" might send! 


Author's note:  It seems ironic and strange that debt haters (like tea party supporters, for 
example) and those who are pushing more reliance on fossil fuel and less "subsidy" for 
renewables (Romney/Ryan for example) support the continuation of policies and 
practices that will damage the environment and that will hurt future generations.  They are 
pushing growth and not pushing conservation.  I would have more respect for them if 
they talked about the costs as well as the benefits of their plans.  I wonder if it might just 
be a scam to reward large corporations for the short term and stick it to the rest of us for 
generations.  That would be nothing new.


Details | Limerick | |

Brown Bag Flu

I made myself sick with the brown bag flu,

     From drinking too much of that “Mountain Dew”;

          So here’s what I say,

          NO drinking today;

                I pray this never happens to you!


Details | Limerick | |

A Limerick Composed In My Head While In The Head

I wear an ID badge for my group.
It dangles down from my belt loop.
I have anonymity
When I stand up to pee
But it gives me away when I poop.


Details | Limerick | |

Cosmology vs Cosmetology

Dark matter makes scientists sweat
Their telescopes can't find it...yet
What's lost could be found
If they’d just turn around
And gaze at a sexy brunette


Details | Limerick | |

Beer Mugs

There was a young girl named, Anheuser.

Wouldn't heed, when folks would advise her!

        Her and Pabst, took a chance,

         had a whirlwind romance,

and now they're both, sadder, Budweiser!


Details | Limerick | |

Hickey Dickey

I knew of a guy called Dickey
Whose life became rather tricky
When he kissed the girls
They left pretty burls
Never showing us his hidden hickeys


Details | Limerick | |

A Travelling Sage

There once was a travelling sage

Who yet lived to a very old age.

      Well becoming quite senile,

      With problems (yes penile),

The reader may choose:

1) He kept his packed trunk in a cage.

or

2) He packed his wee trunk in a rage.


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

                                 Once came along a groundhog named Phil
                                 Looked for shadow in winters chill
                                         Even top hat and coat
                                         Didn't stop whining's gloat
                                Stuck six more weeks paying heating bill                                 
                                  






Written by 
Katherine Stella 2/4/12
Entry For
Linda Marie's
February Funny Bone Contest
G.L. ALL


Details | Limerick | |

Tie the knot Limerick

There was a girl, of I thought 
I loved her so much, a ring I bought
  Thinking of happy marriage 
  To propose I summed up all my courage 
Unfortunately, she wasn’t ready to tie the knot.


Details | Limerick | |

Blind Date

Finally my life's now unstuck
A blind date, stroke of luck
For tomorrow I'll greet
She stays just down the street
The courage I'll just have to pluck

It's the morning of my blind date
In a way I just can't wait
Into town I shall go
And go with life's flow
Lets hope it all turns out great

The evening starts out real well
Her shapes make my eyes surely tell
She's so buxom and pert
Makes this man so alert
More than my heart starts to swell

On the couch I move in for a kiss
Full hands I'm so much in bliss
My luck turns to yuck
Her teeth out, now she sucks
A blind date I would never have wished








http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-7.php


Details | Limerick | |

I'm The Best

My wife always says I’m the best
A feeling which brought me much zest
One night wild thoughts flew
In search of a clue
I wondered just who were the rest


Details | Limerick | |

A Girl Named Rose

There was a young lady named Rose
Who lit her a fire when the wind blows.
Her house went to flame,
Firemen had came,
When she played with the fireman's hose.


06-19-2014


Details | Limerick | |

A day in the near future

What dark force wears the devil’s mark (666) 
And bites those thrown off “Noah’s Ark”?
Dragging sweets through the mud
While chomping for blood...
A bully is like a white shark*

*Only white sharks have better table manners, and so in the tradition of Emily Post—the innocent eventually rise up and seek justice—and use knives (and forks and spoons)! 

This poem was inspired by Laura Breidenthal's recent poem entitled "666".


Details | Limerick | |

Always Wear Clean Underwear

There was a cold man from Connecticut
whose hygiene showed he didn't know etiquette 
if he'd left me alone
he'd still have his own bone
That cold hearted blighter from Connecticut.


Details | Limerick | |

There once was a woman from Japan




There once was a woman from Japan
She went by the name of Faye-Lynn
A ninja with beauty
To kill was her duty
Her weapon was seduction of man





Details | Limerick | |

The astonishing disappearing act

Proctologists need to write when 
A prescription's called for big ben 
But a doctor equipped
With thermometer quipped
An asshole's walked off with my pen


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

There is no bone in February Either funny, long or hairy. A month with a bone Would lower the tone Of the year, without question, it’s just scary.
Limerick for contest February funny Bone: By Mandy Tams


Details | Limerick | |

Love is More- Valentine Day Limerick

They say love comes in a gush
I don’t believe all that mush
Not just a feeling…
Love is believing
There’s more to it than a rush

Your loved one gives you goose bumps
You see curves instead of lumps
Your heart palpitates
And sex satiates
Your life is coming up trumps!

But Love’s a decision too
When feelings get old not new
You think of your vow
Fulfill it somehow
And resolve to stick like glue

So when there are angry darts
Or when there are broken hearts
You think of that glow
You give love a go
And all the sorrow departs

Today is Valentine’s Day
Tease and please…now don’t delay
Revive that hot spark
Make love in the dark
Love’s the sweetest game to play.

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Limerick | |

Oh Snap

<                              amidst afternoon's summer's pose / nap
                                are nana's two little handsome chaps
                                logan and just lucas
                                bonded secured by trust
                                brotherly love now don't make me snap
                                                          
                                                                
                                
                                
                                
                                 
                                 
                                                           
Written By Katherine Stella 5/15/11

Entry For Miranda Lambert's
Brotherly Love Contest
G.L. ALL


Details | Limerick | |

The Homeless Toreador

There was a dashingly hansom young Toreador 
Who slept on the floor of a corridor 
But things they got worst 
When he met this cute nurse 
Now he sleeps in her medical storage draw.


Details | Limerick | |

O Solo Meow

Screaming cat, what's up with you?
Seated on my fence at a quarter of two
The night is short, the hour's deep
Leave me be to enjoy my sleep
Oh what I wouldn't give for a shoe!


Details | Limerick | |

Don't read

I told you not to read, still you are here
Aren’t you reading just cuz I said not to, dear??

Haha! Got you! Reverse psychology it is
Control that smile playing at your lips!!

You couldn’t! Isn’t it? Now, don’t comment dear peer!!!


Details | Limerick | |

Repetition

History repeats itself.
History repeats itself.
Did I say that?
Did I say that?
History repeats itself.   


Details | Limerick | |

Haughty Royalty

The Englishman Prince married a really high toned lady,
She was royalty too, so she was more than a little shady.
She looked like a horse and smelled like a cow,
But the pathetic Britisher married her anyhow.
All the kingdom’s subjects started praying they would never have a baby.


Details | Limerick | |

Wacko Wally

Wacko Wally says he will be a MC.
He claims that someday he will be on TV.
He practices in the park.
He drones on well after dark.
His public nuisance arrests now number three.


11-11-2014


Details | Limerick | |

Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen by a window in stare
At a building just over there
From their heads their eyes pop
Their mouths all agog
So close they all are to swear

"Would you look at that!" the first Irishman says
"I've never seen this in all my days"
The Methodist Pastor so near
Into the building disappears
"I don't think this is the place where he prays"

No sooner are the words from his lips
When a Rabbi appears from the slips
With a quick look around
He disappears without sound
From his cassock, they see is a whip

Lost for words so agape they now see
Their Catholic Priest in front of them three
With a knock on the door
Like he's done this before
Appears not a total mystery

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman
"As usual they've allowed him to go in
"One of da girls must have died"
It's why they let him inside
Be Jesus, it's a brothel, he's never to sin








http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-7.php


Details | Limerick | |

Thanksgiving in the mirror

With "plenty" this culture's endowed 
Bad outcomes are never allowed!
But nature's stealthy
And notes for the wealthy
Silver linings come with a cloud


Details | Limerick | |

All In The Family

<                          once Edith laid her hot iron flat
                            husband Archie called her his dingbat
                            then son-in-law ~ meathead
                            put iron on dam bed
                            boy fire did make Jefferson scat





Written By 
Katherine Stella 10/30/11
Entry For Techno - Limericks Contest 
To Be Co-Judge  G.L. All


Just Gotta Love That Archie LOL

Note Please Never Leave Your Iron On
Can Really Ruin Your Day Yikes


Details | Limerick | |

Godzilla

 
 


There once was a woman named Camilla, She wanted a castle but not a villa, So she got a prince, But he started to wince, When she started to look more like Godzilla.
Poetry contest: monsters and Marvels Date: 10.08.14 Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi


Details | Limerick | |

Math Quiz

In arithmetic, he wasn't strong.
This math quiz was taking so long.
It was hard to divide.
Still, he tried till he cried,
but the answers kept coming out wrong.

He would solve and immediately doubt
if he'd taken the most proper route.
He'd retry, but alas,
by the end of the class,
his eraser was simply worn out.

The bell rang. The quiz was now due,
but his sheet was a sad sight to view.
There was nothing but air
in assorted spots where
the eraser wore all the way through. 

The tests were collected and sent
to the teacher for grading. She went
through each page in the stack
and then handed them back.
He saw his grade: ninety percent!

He pondered his luck with a frown...
To the head of the class from class clown?
Was he smart? Well not quite,
every one he got right
had shown through from the next paper down!


Details | Limerick | |

We The Sheep...revised

You found a way to dismiss us, didn't you
Thought "we the people" really had no clue
The laws that congress passes
Apply only to the masses
May November find you feeling blue


Details | Limerick | |

Open to Suggestion


Open to suggestion I’ve always been

Single gals were called as I sipped sloe gin

      Roses wilting in the heat

      Why did they land at MY feet?

Catching the bridal bouquet did me in


The garter was tossed high into the air

A swarm of men scrambled, I eyed the stairs

     I said, “Keep an open mind”

     The catcher was twenty-five!

Despite my age, he proposed then and there


He slid the garter quite far up my thigh

I didn’t realize; the booze made me high

     Sloe gin I’ll ne’er touch again

     ‘Cause I forgot to say, “When!”

And now I’m still getting calls from this guy



True story – caught the bouquet at my nephew’s wedding.  My nephew’s YOUNG friend 
caught the garter and proposed while my family broke out into laughter.  I later gave it back 
to him and told him that although “I’m Open to Suggestion,” I thought he deserved a 
younger bride. 
 
For Joe’s “In Other Words” contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Who Knew-Peru

There once was a flawed broad named Maude
who wished to spend Christmas abroad
she ate Christmas dinner
with penniless sinners
for that was all Maude could afford.

Well ole Maude brought them black tea from China
and chocolate cakes from a diner
they ate guinea pig
and many a fig
while Maude poured them wine from Carolina.

Yes you've guessed it, I see that you knew
in Peru they eat Guinea Pigs in stew 
they wear colorful hats
and watch out for black bats
Maude's dinner will be in Cusco, Peru


Date:12/15/12


Details | Limerick | |

Sympathy

 I knew a man with a sailors hat
Fat and chubby, smelled like a rat
         kissed him out of stupidity,
         now he's down on one knee,
Somebody give me a baseball bat!

6-4-12
         


Details | Limerick | |

One Titty

There is a girl living in the city;
She was born with just one titty.
Her one tit is really big,
It kinda looks like a pig.
She’s free and proud and seeks no pity.


Details | Limerick | |

Just eat it

When with the bayou they're messing
BP says, "Oh what a blessing,
The mix will be fine
Add vinegar from wine
To make a fine salad dressing!"

Author's note: In the end; BP will pay close to nothing, and the rest of us will be stuck with 
the cost of the environmental damage.  To the anti-government regulation libertarians: this 
lack of reason in law enables rich and powerful companies to get away with theft beyond 
imagination.  Death to the Tea Party!    


Details | Limerick | |

For Sale

Come one, come all! I've got a deal for you! Some gently used poems for you to review! Though some came out wrong There yours for a song I'm switching to knitting, so sad but true...
For Skat's contest...


Details | Limerick | |

In Praise Of Corduroy

Anyone can wear corduroy,
Whether you are a girl or boy.
It’s a fabric woven well.
Heading for heaven or going to hell;
Spend eternity all comfy in corduroy.


Details | Limerick | |

Mr Bowman

There was a young man named John Bowman
Who was renowned as a bit of a showman
He practiced Yoga
Dressed in a toga
Convinced that he was a real Roman


Details | Limerick | |

The Brave New World

He came from a world they call shower
And he never knew of its power
For even the sun
Sensed when he was done
For it changed a son into flower


Details | Limerick | |

It's All About The Ring Tone



I'm afraid of my cell phone I confess
"Someone" changed the ring tone to cause me stress
While I took a  nap
He switched it to rap
Now when my phone rings I'm really a mess



"Someone" being my grandson Jordan..
 I finally got him to change it back...lol


For the Techno-Limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Paula

Written: October 3, 2010

There once was a lady named Paula
Who loved to shop at the Mall-a.
She shopped ‘til she “dropped.”
She shopped and she shopped
Every Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall-a.

Christmas time put her skills to the test.
It was when Paula proved she was best.
The crowds stood amazed.
Paula could shop for days
Without losing her holiday zest.

Gail's note: Inspired by my friend Paula.
Part of the Portrait Poetry Collection


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

The Ground-Hogs honor, is on the line!

 But, he could end up a friend of mine!

        Here's precisely what I mean,

        cause if his shadow isn't seen,

then he, becomes my Valentine!


Written by: Ralph Taylor
Date:  2/2/12


Details | Limerick | |

Nightlight Fight

Every night I have the same crazy fight 
It's always me against this one nightlight
It goes out just quit
I get up bang it
It cuts back off I fall down just not right


Details | Limerick | |

Spirits, Incorporated

Written by Gail DeBole

Fred Hardtselle, a salesman who died,
On his tombstone had these words inscribed:
"In a seance call me,
for a rather small fee,
I'll find out where you're going, and why!"


Details | Limerick | |

I looked over

Sassy Irish lassie that is clear                                                                                      But I think too much green beer                                                                            Teasing with the stripped clover                                                                                    All the fun and games are over                                                                                Awoke to lose her charms, Oh Dear


Details | Limerick | |

Uncle Fred

Uncle Fred always hated his weight,

So, he resolved to put less on his plate.

It was hard for him to see,

Looking down to go pee,

And he almost crushed a hot date.





For the limerick in my pocket new years resolution limerick contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Boisterous Wind

Boisterous Wind
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

The wind continues to blow
It’s annoying wherever I go.
It messes my hair,
If anyone does care,
Just thought you’d like to know.


Details | Limerick | |

Coffee House

"Coffee House" a savory swig energizes bones one swallow electrifies tasting cones an instant caffeine rush causes blah cheeks to pink blush pure Pepsi creates haunting moans. a tingling sensation provides power charging battery for 24 hours but "diet" won't do the "hard stuff's" my brew Pepsi fragrance as potent as flowers. one day when Life's journey is done and "the other side's" calling for fun no Coke, Dew, or "7" as I step into Heaven hoping Pepsi is their "Number One".
*For Craig's Funny Poem Contest


Details | Limerick | |

My Wine

Time to curl up with a bottle of wine,

    I’m not going to share, this bottle is mine;

          If you want a drink,

          There’s more by the sink;

    And I don’t want to hear anyone whine!


~For the Bottle of wine, (fruit of the vine, when.......) Contest~

6/20/11


Details | Limerick | |

Bend Over Baby

Got referred to a female Urologist
After which I needed a Psychologist
"I'm a licensed physician
Please resume your position!"
Next appointment: Her sister Proctologist


Details | Limerick | |

Charge It

I only just begun to charge
Impulsive buys are way too large
My credit card sighs
While bankbook cries
My pay cheque I need to enlarge


*So many things to buy since I bought a house, but I really am a wise shopper : )


Details | Limerick | |

Crazy Clock

Crazy Clock
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

The clock was wound too tight.
It wouldn’t keep time right.
It would backwards run,
Creating more than fun,
It really was quite a sight.


Details | Limerick | |

"God's Trinity on Limerick"

A Precept Limerick

Precept versus concepts in one’s writing,
Alone, concepts remain__  problems fighting!
  Thus these are the two levels,
  Concepts have not love’s bevel.
Precept is above the problems gliding.

Thus Love’s precept of one’s own opinion, 
Promotes one from being chief’s Indian.
  Problems are below,
  Where strives of wind blow.
Precept answers to Love, concepts break wind.

Concept’s judgments of precept, are inept, 
For natural mind by precept is kept.
  By mind’s vice of verse, 
`Tis no Love disperse.
One’s inspiration is kept of precept! 

 8-29-10


Details | Limerick | |

Farting Contests


All little boys like to master the fart Among their peers its considered an art It must be loud To make them proud If stinky, a winner right from the start


Details | Limerick | |

Not Easy Being Green

He has sung the song often before
'bout a color he really abhors,
but Kermit's been seen
all smilin' in green
on St. Pat's when he walks out the door.


March 18, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

The Pool Player

A pool player taking a snooze
Had a dream that his match he would lose.
	Since his bladder would squeeze
	He was minding his pees
But he should have been minding his cues!


for Andrea's "Show Me the Funny" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Sandy Balls

There once was a golfer named Andy
Whose balls were always getting sandy
The ones in the trap
And ones in his lap
Cause sand always made Andy randy



written and posted 3/27/2013 for the Golf Limerick Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Get Thee Behind Me Satan

~~Get Thee Behind Me Satan~~ Temptation comes in all sorts of guises Through eyes and touch there's no disguises But the worst thing about being tempted into sin Is when we look or touch And then still fall in....


Details | Limerick | |

IQ of a Grape

From prison he tried to escape
But, had the IQ of a grape
… His rocket (mis-wired)
… Quickly backfired
Now he’s all over the landscape


Details | Limerick | |

Abuse of Soul Power

Look at those humans staring below
They laugh at us, but what do they know
     The “intellectual” beast
     On greed and judgment will feast
They gaze at us and think WE are slow

We stare back and know they are the fools
We follow a better set of rules
     As we hang from nature’s vines
     We just giggle at their whines
They fail to use their soul-power tools


*Written in honor of John Freeman and his "Limericks Hilarious" contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Sparky

There was an old Dachshund named Studly
Because of his legs was a shorty
But as fate would befall
He had low hung brass balls
And that's why his nickname was sparky


May, 26, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Let's Get Ready For Some Football

<                                   let's get ready for some football .....    Ya !
                                     Eagles   verses    da   .....   Bears   Well ... then  Hey !       
                                     Here's kickoff ~ by     da .......    Bears
                                     Ohhhhhhhh !  fell  off ....  T  .....    Unfair
                                     Second  ..... blocked  .....  Eagles    7 - Nay !


                                                                      
                                     
                                     
                                    

                                    
Entry For 
Linda Marie's 
Let's Limerick Contest
G.L. All    



Tribute To Football


Details | Limerick | |

And Then There Was Nun

A young Monk was feeling inferior,

and so with a motive ulterior,

        the Monk and a Nun,

        did what they shouldna done

and it made her a "Mother Superior"!


Details | Limerick | |

Revolving Resolution

Written by Gail DeBole

Zelma Zotz's new year's contribution
Is to think of a definite solution
   To avoid making a plan
   (which she really can't stand)
For yet another new year's resolution!


Gail's Note:  You can find some historical information about the history of the new year's resolution at http://www.examiner.com/article/history-of-new-year-s-resolutions.


Details | Limerick | |

The Vacation That Saved An Affair

I need a vacation she said
From all of this playing in bed
And she let him know
There’s more to love’s glow
By moving on sofa instead


Details | Limerick | |

Things Ain't Right in OZ

In Oz most things had a glitch:
Like bricks from red to yellow did switch;
 - Monkey things
 - with flyin’ wings;
And ...  the water’s bad – ask the witch!


Details | Limerick | |

Mothers Day

Mothers are the best 
They are like a test
They are very loving 
They like a flower budding
The treat us like a fest.


Details | Limerick | |

Money Not Love

Went to Wal-Mart to buy a Christmas ham
All I could find was a giant traffic jam
Near the toys__decorations
By my calculations
Come day after Christmas, dumpsters see cram


Details | Limerick | |

Circus Freak

His name is Gustavo Enrique Armand.
He’s big and burly but can still do a handstand.
He spent most of his adult life working for a circus,
Until the bearded lady kicked his big burly tuckus.
When he gets higher than a kite he dances a mean Can-Can.


Details | Limerick | |

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

 In the cold sea my pants fell down and sunk,

 And when I came out part of me had shrunk:

  The girls all pointed as I did hurtle

  And joked "look, a frightened turtle!"

 Hey! C'mon, that's no turtle, that's my junk!


                    --------------

        Inspired by a Seinfeld episode.


Details | Limerick | |

Cure For Frog In The Throat

Clyde was harassed by a frog in his throat

   Chances of finding a cure was remote

      But much to ol' Clyde's surprise

         Doc said feed it a few flies

            Proving to be the perfect antidote

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Baddy Paddy

Paddy O’Briar was a stinking drunk,
Who would get as doggone crazy as a rabid skunk;
Then he would dance a wee Irish jig,
Have sexual relations with a pig,
And spend a restless night on a jailhouse bunk.


Details | Limerick | |

What Tweety Saw

 ~~~What Tweety Saw, ( Or Did)~~~


I taught I taw dat ole putty cat
stick his tail in a socket, like dat.
His eyes bulged like a cow,
His hair isn't sleek now,
Uh oh ! look what he did on the mat!







for Carolyn and Alexa's techno-lilmerick contest
8/11/2011


Details | Limerick | |

Cheerios to Go

Constipation as we all too well know

Disrupts everybody’s natural flow

     I welcome the Cheerios

     When the tummy bulging grows

Shout out to the toilet, “Look out below!”



*For Poet Destroyer’s Favorite Cereal Contest
by Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Limerick | |

And Now, For the REST of the Story - 'NR'

So when-Jack-and-Jill reached the top of the hill
Jack couldn't stand still (Tried to snatch a cheap thrill)
Kissed Jill on the mouth
(Things quickly went south)
Then Jack said to Jill...'Can looks really KILL?'

Okay, naughty boys and good girls
Let's give Mother Goose one more whirl...

Once the elderly, eccentric Miss Muffet
Informed neighbors: 'Kiss-my-keester and stuff it!'
Thus poor Charlotte the Spider
Dropped and plopped down beside her
And Miss Muffet squashed her flat with her tuffet...

3/19/2013
The title is a direct quote from the late, great Paul Harvey: Radio and Television commentator...




Details | Limerick | |

What Would You Answer

The couple knew nature alright
When asked what sounds brought them delight
They thought of the things
That gave their heart wings
And said sound of springs late at night


Details | Limerick | |

a little 'white' lie, wink wink

With my white pumpkin I’m going to bake 
A pumpkin pie and say it’s cheesecake
It’s “vanilla bean”
Since it’s white like cheese -
If only they’ll take the bait plate!


Unsuspecting the pumpkin inside -
I tap tap my foot, just take a bite!
With “cake” in their mouths
Their taste buds abound!
Eyebrows rising in shocked surprise! 


11/8/11
Received 4th place in "What No Orange Pumpkin" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Spam

Computer spam I really do abhor

   But tinned Spam I have an appetite for

      I liked it in the Army

         And never did it harm me

            And it helped to win the Second World War

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

SWEET BABY ON SALE

my wallet’s tounge getting longer and longer 
credit cards’promos pumping stronger
flat tv, i-pad, santa trimmings  at low cost
really now, my unpaid dues on zero defrost
egad, i’ll be jailed being a triple goner

the dark side tempts me—a real shopaholic
will win the lotto and forget being catastrophic
can’t wait to blow left-over greens
christmas ads ringing pied piper dreams
buy, buy, buy utterly catatonic

dashing like a mad woman i daringly arrive
snooping at branded goodies my eyes crazed overdrive
surprised by a chipped baby- on-a- manger sale
reminding me my sweet spirit has gone pale
went to bed tucking  christ babe, so glad i’m richly alive!


(for PD's HOLIDAY POEM contest)
by: nette)


Details | Limerick | |

A Halo

There was once was a lady from town
Who wore a halo like a crown
Told her daughter-in-law
Dresses should wear like squaw
Wore one to work and naked frowned

The loom grabbed her dress and wham bam
Naked from the waist down~life in jam
Supervisor gave coat
Took her home and I quote
"I put my blue jeans on grand slam"

My mother was a very stern believer that women should wear dresses..
My brother married late in life and his wife worked in the weaving department..
She did a job called filling batteries..She had to walk between the looms to do
her job..They had suggested to the women that they should wear tight fitting 
pants or blue jeans..To please my mother she made her a new dress and wore 
it to work..First thing, it got caught..It ripped it and her slip off..She was left 
standing naked ..

  

Sponsor: Black Eyed Susan
Contest: Any New Limerick


Details | Limerick | |

Twins

.

Twin babies lifted very high
Beauties would draw many a sight
What if they sagged way down
Not good sight around town
Without lift they've gone awry

Contest: Limericks Hilarious
Sponsor: John Freeman
*Note
Click on: " About This Poem"
Gives explanation...


Details | Limerick | |

Bob

 There once was a fellow named Bob
Who was happy cause he'd got a job
But soon after being hired 
Poor Bob was fired
And all he does now is sob


Details | Limerick | |

A Sly Teaser

At a time inconvenient it teases,
As it comes whensoever it pleases.
Creeping ever so sly,
It will make you yell, "Why?!"
And the thing that I speak of is sneezes.


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy bawdy

She watched, as he rose to attention
Her desire was too hot to mention
From pink lips passion flows
She reaches for his hose
A bit short, he needs an extension 


Not a limerick guy, I hope I got it right.

For Roy Jergen's Bawdy, Bawdy, bawdy miss Clawdy contest.


Details | Limerick | |

CORRUPTION IN LEGAL MATTERS

He defended two thieves with a smirk:
one bimbo and a jerk;
the old, crooked judge released them
knowing it was a scam...
they walked free applauding his trick.


Details | Limerick | |

One Resolution

I had resolved one year,
To never again have a fear
But I feared sitting down,
So I walked all around
And that's how I ended up here.


Details | Limerick | |

Useless Resolutions

What shall I resolve to do this New Year? Why should I even bother or care? Should I fly to the moon Eat salad with a spoon Either one is quite useless, I fear ~*~


Details | Limerick | |

Cougar Lugar

There once was a very fine cougar
Who had a top-of-the-line Lugar...
She shot him in the head
Because he never said
She was much sweeter than sugar!


Details | Limerick | |

I Fear That Pinocchio -

Confessed to creator Geppetto
"Got a fetish, I think you should know
Often I fiddle
‘Round with my middle
Take a look-see how THAT baby grows!"

Sumitted for: Roy Jerden's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Dinkley Donker Doffle

Dinkley donker doffle, my momma made me some waffles.
They came out too hot and made me distraught 
so instead she made me some boffles.
Dinkley donker doffle, my boffles were totally awful
so momma felt bad and awfully sad so she made me 
some tinkly toffles.
Dinkly donker doffle, the tinkley toffles were thoughtful 
but they made me turn red so she sent me to bed
I should have just taken the waffles.


Details | Limerick | |

Two-Fifty-Four

Two-Fifty-Four
©2012 C. Brent Cloyd

I bought a new scale at the Wal-Mart store.
Made it secure and level on the floor.
I took a breath, then stepped on.
The digits I saw made me moan.
Surely, I do not weigh two-fifty-four!

Let’s balance the scale, then I’ll try once more.
Adjusted proper, they’ll give the right score.
This time the scales will behave.
I stepped on, tried to be brave.
But with a grin they said “two-fifty-four”.

I would like to throw these scales out the door.
Wish they were lying, but I can’t ignore. 
I’ve gobbled many things sweet
And chewed on too much red meat.
My expanding poundage is “two-fifty-four”.

My belly is huge, my chin is galore.
Need to lose it, but process is a chore.
Need diet low in fat and starch.
So my stomach will not arch.
Hope to be smaller than “two-fifty-four”.

Would a brisk walk cause my health to restore?
Would losing blubber help me not to snore?
Let’s get started. Soon I say!
Well - after the holiday!
Cause my clothes don’t fit at “two-fifty-four”.














Details | Limerick | |

Her Dream Boy Was Full Of Joy

This is my FIRST attempt at a limerick.  Its for a contest, so please
let me know what you think.  Suggestions are appreciated.


She's longing for love and affection
So she tried to grab his attention
She let her "girls" go free
They were bigger than peas
He suddenly got an erection

05/08/2014


Details | Limerick | |

Unluckie Chuckie

There once was a hot gambler named Chuckie

    Who played lotto to make a fast buckie

        Much to his chagrin

            He never did win

                Alas, Chuckie was just plain unluckie

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 9 in Susan Burch's "Lottery Ticket Limerick" Contest - Jan 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Quit Your Growling

<          once there was old woman on the prowl
            found younger man and begun to howl
            under silvery moon
            fead him with baby spoon
            now stomach does goo goo gah gah grawls



Written By Katherine Stella


Entry For Dr. Ram's Cougar Effect Contest 
G.L. All                                                                


Details | Limerick | |

AN INDIAN MAN

An Indian man was laughed at
for his long beard and big hat,
but much truth came out
of his wise mouth:
the next day the river dried at sunset!


Details | Limerick | |

Humans Need Tail

Do not open your eyes brother humans are birds of same feather just monkeying around though no tail can be found let us give them our tails rather! ============================= Placement: 7th; (October 2011) Contest:Limericks Hilarious Sponsor:John Freeman By:kashinath karmakar


Details | Limerick | |

CAREFUL, DOCTOR!

A lady named Abigail Feanture
Received from her colleagues a censure.
She, being a vet,
Accidentally let
A mischievous Doberman Pincer.


Details | Limerick | |

Boris Watch out for Squirrel

There once was a gal from motor city
who drove a Prius to give her celebrity.
Her guy drove a Ford
and cursed her “Oh, Lord!”
Their divorce was a forgone necessity!

Their children, a boy and a girl, 
took sides and gave each car a whirl.
The girl took the Ford
the boy took the Concorde?
Both lost control and hit a squirrel?

Mom and Dad, Madge and Lars said “Good grief!”
You two kids, “Go get jobs, BUY A Leaf!!!
ride a bike, or a tyke
row a boat, take a hike
"Give the keys over please. You’re relieved!”

*The kids names were Boris and Natasha ;)










Details | Limerick | |

Sensibility

A duck, is a duck, is a duck.
It’s not supposed to cluck.
A dog does not meow,
Nor moo like a cow,
It’s in its own mold stuck.

A car out of gas
Will not a truck pass.
It purposely remains still
Giving the owner no thrill
It simply will no mileage amass.

Things such as this
Drive clear thinking amiss.
There’s neither rhyme nor reason,
Regardless of the season,
So don’t ever sensibility miss.


Details | Limerick | |

My first limerick banger

 My first car was green , red and black .

 Part Nissan , Jeep and Cadillac .

 When you pulled out the choke 

 The boot filled with smoke

 Flames farting straight out the back .


 I called it my old Batmobile 

 Made of plastic , old planks and steel .

 It was loved by wierd gooks

 And Hazardy Dukes

 But with Babes , had little appeal .




For Carol's first car contest ..


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

Kash wants to write a Limerick
please come and help him with the trick
that on username
Irma wants the same
overtrying will soon make him sick.




© kash poet
=============================

Placement:2nd;(September 2011)

Contest:Write a Limerick Using Your Poetrysoup Name

Sponsor:Irma Linda


Details | Limerick | |

1953 Ford Truck

In my travels around....
from town to town...
I found sitting next to a tree...

a red truck for sale...
that looked like _ell!
a ford, nineteen fifty-three...

So I knocked on the door...
and wasn't for sure...
if they'd sell it to me...

When they answered the door...
they wanted more...
but I gave them two-fifty, not three...

I got it running at last...
and oh! what a task!
I couldn't wait to set it free...

Yea!! it's really fast...
when I give it the gas...
ask those cops who tickets to me!

The body's intact...
just one ding and a whack!!
I'll paint it just wait and see!!!


W


Details | Limerick | |

Resolution-icks

There was a chubby lady named Sue
that's my middle name [don't look askew] 
Sue tried to loose weigh
to go on a date
but over ate when served cheese fondue.

Resolved to do better Sue rose
and rushed to the gym in tight hose
she stretched up and down
some thought her a clown 
seams ripped when she reached for her toes.

New Years BAH said Sue with a groan
I'll use photo shop then phone home
they'll think I'm Twiggy
and not a piggy
perhaps I will make me a gnome?


Details | Limerick | |

Economics 101

One to the next is its mother
Each fiscal cliff breeds another
There's no golden goose
Oh brother, this chain noose
Causes all commerce to smother

Kick debt ceiling blues in the groin
With Ponzi whose scheme we should join
He's someone now dead
For the platinum head
Of a trillion buck magic act coin


Details | Limerick | |

I Also Envy Your Travelers' Miles, Mr. Bumblebee.

Buzzing bee, keep the sun in your sights,
packing nectar down snug in your tights.
So adroit at your task
that I just had to ask:
" Is that dinner on all of your flights?"


Details | Limerick | |

Rock Paper Scissors

                           
<                          I once played rock paper and scissors
                            never dreamed theres so many gizzards
                            somehow loves this game too
                            well I just said oh phoo
                            and had to show them who was wizzard


Details | Limerick | |

What's Fer Dinner, Grandpa


Grandpa and his kin gathered at the mill,
“It’s n’uther thanksgiving, y’all! Eat yer fill!
Hey cuzz Joe Bob, what’s the deal?
Whose turkey did y’all steal?”
What turkey? Y’all be chompin on road kill!

Yes siree y’all might have to chaw some,
But this barbequed swill be awesome!
Be a shame for it to waste,
So salt and pepper to taste,
And feast on some almost fresh possum!


Inspired by :
my poetry friend Carolyn Devonshire. : )


Details | Limerick | |

Bad Luck


Poor old Dan was a bit of a schmuck
Ran out of gas in his brand new truck
Now late for his date
Boy, was she irate
No hanky panky was his bad luck



hanky panky- loosely translated as sexual activity


Details | Limerick | |

Miracles Happen To and In June

There once was a gal name of June.
Who wanted to kiss and to spoon.
  She made a big splatter
  falling off a tall ladder.
 When she married the man in the moon.

Her wedding of course was in June.
She wanted to marry him soon..
   She started to chatter
   but that didn't matter.
Their life was so much a cartoon.

The man in the moon liked to croon.
He liked to sing songs about June.
   But nothing was sadder
   when he made her madder.
Singing not of "June" but of June.

To get on her good side Old Lune.
Flew June to the moon via balloon.
  But she was much fatter
  and emptied her bladder.
Now he looked like a baboon.
  
To end this wild tale about June.
Know the man in the moon made her swoon
    He heard her feet patter
    when she mixed cake batter.
Turning into butterfly from cocoon.


Details | Limerick | |

Pumpkin Dilemma

I felt happy when I got an invite
to get a free pumpkin tonight.
     But what I saw with my eyes
     was a shock and surprise
cause all of the pumpkins were white!

My first thought, even though they were free,
was "a white pumpkin is of no use to me"!
     I thought, something's not right
     that those pumpkins are white
Now what can the real reason be?

Then and there I decided I'd try
to find out the real reason why.
     But try as I might
     to learn why they were white
Noone gave me a decent reply!

I learned a good lesson, and so
there's one thing that all folks should know.
     Keep this in mind
     you are not color blind
 pumpkins can be orange, or albino!
    




Details | Limerick | |

Southern Livin'

Southern livin’s mighty fine,
On chickin’ you can daily dine.
So pull up a chair
Don’t go anywhere,
And don’t even begin to whine!


Details | Limerick | |

A Clowns 'Defeeted' Life

There once was a clown name of Marty.
Whose circus performance was one big party.
   He made people laugh
   but that's only the half.
His appetite was very hardy.

Not for food, though he did like to eat
but for people he wanted to meet.
   He went to great measures
   to bring them all pleasures.
But a clowns life was filled with big feet.

He wanted to try the trapeze 
and fly through the air in the breeze.
   But his nose started twitching
   and then began itching.
He lost balance and started to sneeze.

Agony of "defeet" made him funny.
He rubbed them with loads of bees honey.
   But being a clown
   kept his libido down.
Now he walks tightrope counting his money!

For David Williams Circus contest


Details | Limerick | |

Deadliest Catch

Grandpa was a jolly old winker.
And I was a nine year old stinker.
He was a fish getter
But I did him one better...
I caught Grandpa... hook, line, and sinker!


Details | Limerick | |

Knee Jerk Reaction

I once had a Doc take some stitches Apparently not without glitches Because now when I sneeze I jerk at the knees And kick people in the britches


Details | Limerick | |

The Further Adventures Of Mr. Laurel And Mr. Hardy.

Stanleys' plane circles wild, fro and aft.
Ollie screamed up: " Throw me a raft!"    Oh Ho Oh Ho Oh Ho Oh Ho.
with gathering gators
I won't be here later
One just gave my drawers a big draft.  OhhhOhhh....

When they opened the gator to see
which intestine poor Ollie might be.
He plops out pratfall
then looks at us all
and smiles: " hm hm hm, I'm still me."

Stanley: " But I thought.. I thought you were eaten..oo whooo whoo whoo..."
Oliver looks at us, shrugs  and throws his arms up.
( Cue music.)
Coo Coo  Coo Coo, Coo Coo 

THE END.


This is inspired by Miss Carrie Richards, one of the best. 
This Is Another Fine Mess You've Gotten ME Into, Stanley...


Details | Limerick | |

Birds and the Bees


"Do you know 'bout birds and the bees?" One day my son asked suddenly, "Just ask your teacher, she would know better" "No Dad she is yet to marry!" =============000============== By:kash poet


Details | Limerick | |

A Hole In My Noggin

Gazing at the rear of my head
Many follicles are long since dead
Father Time is always sure to win
These naps are lookin' awful thin
Shall I shave my dome instead?


Details | Limerick | |

Highlander Jockey

There once was a Highlander Jockey Like his stallion, brazen and cocky Sorry for being coarse I am hung like my horse So boastful, and all walkie talkie * Written 20/05/14 *


Details | Limerick | |

Pink Pork chop Bill

There once was a pink, pig named Bill,
who climbed up a big, big hill.
He climbed to the top
not to be pork chop,
but his big owner found him still.


Details | Limerick | |

The Golfer

The Tiger is once again winning
And hopefully no longer sinning.
His wife kicked him out
For sleeping about,
But now his girlfriend has him grinning.


Details | Limerick | |

Hotter Than Heck

Written in the late 1970's
Updated on June 12, 2012


In the summer, a zebra exclaimed,
"That sweaty lion can keep his mane!
     It's a pain 'round his neck
     When he's hotter than heck.
My white stripes will reflect the sun's rays!"


Details | Limerick | |

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

There once was a jock with a sock
so big you’d think he wore a glock.
When he entered the ring
girls sang my ding-a-ling
at least till his foe cleaned his clock!

*martial arts


Details | Limerick | |

For The Love Of Golf


As poor Bob left  to play the short nine
His nagging old wife began to whine
"Its golf or its me!"
"With that I agree!"
His lawyer told her just where to sign....


3/28/13


Details | Limerick | |

Big Ben Blues

I courted a British lady
Whose name was Sadie O'Grady
She took off her drawers
I exclaimed ‘Oh good lord!’
You sure ain’t no LADY, matey!



Details | Limerick | |

Cupid: PS Mary


Oh Cupid! You still looking?  It’s me...
Where’s my dream man? You know...muscled he.
And some brains would be nice,
otherwise, no lice,
fumigating has caused allergy.

That stupid pig was NOT company.
He just grunted and rooted, you see.
Take that thing you call bow
and bring my man in tow.
Oh Cupid, where’s the love pin for me?

The lawn regrew from your fiery blaze.
I forgive you, the alcohol raze...
Ev’ry year, I’m older,
so Cupid, I’m bolder!
Justifiable, menopause phase!

Janet Vick


Details | Limerick | |

B Horror On a Beach Day.

Soon the curious swelled to a mob.
as they gathered to gape at the glob.
Someone prods with a stick.
as another screams: " Quick!"
"We must run for our lives! It's the Blob!"


Details | Limerick | |

Nuclear Weapon

There once was a guy from Toledo

Who took meds for his poor libido

One pill made him fast

Two pills helped him last

Three pills he surpassed a torpedo !!



__________________________________________
For Andrea !! 3/26/14


Details | Limerick | |

Jack's Pact

Jack's Pact


There once was a pirate named Jack,
Who struck with the devil a pact.
But when his accord
He could not afford
The devil took Jack and his pack!

The moral of Jack and his pack
Is clear: Give the devil No pact!
If you can't afford 
To strike an accord
Hold fast what you have--not your lack!

deborah burch©
05/08/2012


Details | Limerick | |

a boy named Harley

there once was a  boy named harley
who had a chopper that was narley
he spun it around soo fast
and ended up in a cast
that is why his name is Harley!


Details | Limerick | |

The Total Disjoint

With a plastic and stainless steel joint
Which was his very authentic point
A Viagra pill, he!
The erection up_glee
Then a plastic and stainless disjoint


Details | Limerick | |

A Sguirrel Named Merl

" How do you do?" "My name is Merl."
I'm not a tree rat; I'm a squirrel.
To hunters, I'm screamin,
"Please eat more chicken!"
"Never mind, you shoot like a girl."

I should build my nest in a tree
but your attic looks better to me.
A fight? It's your call.
I'm a little buzz saw.
Remember; nuts are my favorite treat!



July 15, 2014
Contest: Animals Alive
Sponsor: Carol Eastman


Details | Limerick | |

Moonstuck

We've conquered the "Moon", says my source!

Young folks, will soon go there, in force!

        What I'd like to know,

         is when Honeymooners go,

will they call "what they do", Outercourse?


Contest: Show me the funny - Part 2


Details | Limerick | |

Just Do it

It was time to visit the vet With a specimen from my pet I scooped a lump of coal But the cheap bag had a hole Now, I'm driving in a cold sweat Nauseous, I cannot elude The smell of what Winnie pooed Rotten eggs are preferred Over smelling dog terds And her ripe farts are far less rude By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders for PDs Pooping Contest *Yes, my dog is named Winnie after Winnie the Pooh by my son. We call her Winnie Bear


Details | Limerick | |

Shadrach

There was a young chap named Shadrach
Who entered a race in a sack
He jumped up and down
Bounced right out of town 
No one thought he would ever come back

Then one day alas and alack
While jumping along a train track
He forgot to look round
Until he heard a sound
Then all around him it suddenly went black

His home town they soon had him back
They erected a large marble plaque
A small sack statuette
So they would never forget
That sack racing mad man Shadrach


Details | Limerick | |

Apollo's Stars

Apollo's Stars

Apollo Creed’s the flag waving type
Sporting old glory for his Rocky fight
And when he got knocked
Right on his clock
He not only saw stars but saw stripes


Advice Per Simmons

There once was a man named Simmons
Who loved to advise men and women
And his strongest suit
Was choosing fresh fruit
But don’t buy persimmons, per Simmons


Much Needed Invention

I don’t mean to give apprehensions
To this much needed invention
But when it turns brrr
If I can’t wear fur
Give me full body hair extensions


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick In My Pocket

This year I will lose weight I do think
No matter how hard too I will shrink
But what shall I not eat 
I don’t like anything sweet
This year I won’t lose weight I do think…

No cakes pass my lips no sweeties I eat
I eat some fish and a little red meat
What do I let go west
Perhaps a tighter vest
Will help the fat to slip down to my feet…

No luck I tried, my vest is now too wide
I tuck it into my pants at the side
That made them unsightly
There’s no more twice nightly
Hoist them as a sail, and leave on the tide…

My new years wishes and hopes are now gone
We have not even reached day number one
I am paying the toll
For each nice sausage roll
My hopes and man, have set sail in the sun…

My vest sailed out to sea, now what shall I do?
My chest in the winter perhaps will turn blue
If you have an idea
You can whisper it here
There may be something to keep warm we can do…

© ~GG~ 28/12/2012

Entry For G Rix's Limerick In my Pocket contest


Details | Limerick | |

Another man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Natucket
who carried his brains in a bucket.
His container capsized 
and he cried in surprise,
now what was I thinking? Oh furk it!


Details | Limerick | |

Two Elephants

Two Elephants

There once were two very large elephants
Who, night and day, ate only jelly-ants
'Till one day one said
To the other one, "Fred,
I do believe you have on smelly pants!!"

deborah burch©
6/10/2012


Details | Limerick | |

like it or not--it's here to stay

Inventive minds can be inspired  
Great ideas in time may be sired
High fashion and style
Are acquired for a while
But in the brain sex is hard wired


Details | Limerick | |

Sons Of An Zeus Man

<                           once came along pair gemini twins
                             castro and pollux from third sign in
                             well sons of an zeus man
                             all from mercury clan
                             sharing wealth of intelligence sin

                            with ever compatible libra scales
                            along with aquarius that wales
                            fire signs given few
                            pisces they known too
                            beneath sun and moon's with semi's tale








Written By Katherine Stella  6/26/11


Entry For Nette Onclaud's
Zodiac Zones Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

The Final Trumpet


When Gabriel sounds the trumpet
There'll be no time for crumpets
You'll stand and wait
At the Pearly Gate
But you won't be able to jump it


Details | Limerick | |

Say it's so, Joe

There once was a fellow named Joe
To the Soup, he was comrade and foe
            At times he would blog
            Then poets would flog
Yet, he always would leave us aglow


Details | Limerick | |

'Ouch'

   


A man found himself in a pickle
When his girlfriend found he was fickle
He said "won't you stay"
She said "there's no way"
As she took his head off with a sickle.







Josette Key    2010


Details | Limerick | |

Bits and Pieces - Lottery Limerick

The  young man was just half awake
when his ticket was shred by mistake
the guaranteed winner
came out looking thinner
hope the crazy glue sticks for his sake.


Details | Limerick | |

Let Me Be Frank

I bailed my honest friend out of the tank
Who dressed up as a hotdog for a prank
It’s not a misdemeanor
To dress up as a wiener
I see no harm in trying to be frank


Details | Limerick | |

Glass Slipper

Cinderella had a shoe made of glass
Gave an opportunity too good to pass
The prince she wed
Mean sisters fled
Went from poverty straight to upper class


Details | Limerick | |

Full Circle

Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch


Details | Limerick | |

The ''Dirty Old Man'' syndrome song

When traveling among the throng
His thoughts have too often gone wrong
Alluring effects
Of the opposite sex
Have the devil stomping his prong


Details | Limerick | |

A danger Boss

A danger boss with a thunder voice hurling anger at terrible pace how could he be tamed? Just take his wife's name or hire a lady with smiling face.


Details | Limerick | |

An Eagle's Wise Decision

Mused the eagle soaring through the air

   "Well! What is that I see way down there?"

      'Twas a hare and rattlesnake

         "I think the hare I'd best take!"

            His flight skill earned him the croix de guerre!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

A New Monster in Loch Ness

I saw the huge beast from the dock.
The scene evoked bowel loosening shock.
Run and hide, Nessie!
It's about to get messy.
Rosie O'Donnell* is swimming in the Loch.

(*or insert your "favorite" celebrity name here)


Details | Limerick | |

The Mustang And The Thunderbird

A Mustang and a Thunderbird tangled

   Both automobiles were badly mangled

      When the cops sorted it out

         There was seen strewn all about

            Horse manure and feathers when untangled

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in PD's "Another Crazy & Fun Limerick Contest #2" - June 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Ppoor Ppeter

Ppoor Ppeter wwas bblemished wwith a sstutter

   His ttongue ttwisted eeach wword he ddid utter

      Bbut wwhen it ccame to kkissin'

         Ggals are sstill rreminiscin'

            About hhow he lleft ttheir hhearts aflutter

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

FEBRUARY FUNNY BONE



Turning forty this month is a chill

For brother who’s not over the hill

          So he won’t feel antique

              Got a total face lift

Ended up looking like roasted grill


                                    ©


                                ---------

*fictional and wacky verse for my older brother
 on his 40th  birthday this February.


For Linda-Marie’s February  Funny Bone
By nette onclaud


Details | Limerick | |

Preacher's Pet Peeve

There was a man whose name was Mr  Loud,
he preached humility with his head bowed,
He was quite the preacher,
with a unique feature,
He was so humble that it made him proud!


inspired by Carolyn Devonshire's poem "Impounding Ego"
Thanks Carolyn!


Details | Limerick | |

Phillip Buster

Written by Gail DeBole

Phillip Buster could fluster a room -
Full of men whose anger ballooned
     When came his turn to speak,
     Congress snored for a week,
All dreaming he'd peter out soon.



Gail's note: Filibuster - Type of parliamentary procedure.
Right of the individual to extend debate allowing the lone
member to delay or prevent a vote on a proposal. -Wikipedia


Details | Limerick | |

Mickey Mouse

This is written with tons of tongue  in cheek

   But I loved watching Mickey Mouse each week

      He was my favorite star

         Outshone Donny Duck by far

            A talking mouse ne'er to utter a squeak

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Day One To Three

Day one of my regular period,
He always think I’m not in good mood;
         Seeing me, he runs away
         Do you think I like that way?
My heart isn’t hard as piece of wood.

He’s still single  and he lives alone,
He doesn’t know woman’s situation;
         Wearing napkins in three days
          So uneasy on my ways,
Yet, he’s seeking special attention.

Day two comes, he’s still so hesitant,
He wants me to shout at a distant;
         Is he gentle man or gay?
         He believes what other’s say
On monthly days, I’m not impatient!

Third day is said to be our last day,
Here he comes saying, “Babe, I’m sorry”
        Can I make love with you now?
        I believe you, I swear- bow.
Babe, it’s my third day, please go away.

July 4, 2013




Note:
Some people believe  that some women aren’t in good mood during their monthly period. But, for me, I don’t know;))))) . What I know is, I just love sleeping during these days. I’m always so so sleepy;))))))). 

 This was especially inspired by the Day One Poem writing contest of  my dearest poet sis Linda. The poem was closed when I was about to enter. Anyway,  I’m still sharing it with you  trying my best again to make you smile. I hope you’ll like it & I hope I did this limerick right. It’s my second attempt to write this form. Thank you so much & have a nice weekend!


Details | Limerick | |

Rapture of May 21st, 2011

"It is the end of the world", they cry
"Those not saved will surely die!"
   Never mind the fun fact
   Previous dates inexact
Get the marshmallows out for the fry!


Details | Limerick | |

The Flu



There was a young man from Rangou
Who had a bad case of the flu
His plans were all spoiled
So he took castor oil
Now he spends lots of time in the loo


Details | Limerick | |

A Gallon

“Gas: below three bucks a gallon!”
The media’s gleefully howlin’
-	But let’s not forget
-	They’re screwin’ us yet
If it’s over a buck, they’re a felon!


Details | Limerick | |

The Devil Made Me Do It

Gosh-darn-it! Dog-gone-it! What’s THAT all about? 
Somehow it feels better to spit out and shout
Offensive pain-remedies
(A string of obscenities)
Exorcizing demons by cussing them out


Details | Limerick | |

Blind Date: Love at Second Sight

She was pretty. Her long hair was yeller.
He was ugly… a balding old feller
He slurred, "ma handle be Luke,"
She gagged and started to puke,
‘till she saw the gold stashed in his cellar!





Details | Limerick | |

Gloomy Day

Gloomy Day
Dr. James E. Martin
©December, 2012

The day looks gloomy and dark.
Not a good day for the park.
So inside I will stay,
No time to play,
Time for me to make my mark.


Details | Limerick | |

THE SLOTH

His life is an Epic story in a tragic playlet 
He is the one person who opens wares an hour after the market 
He comes to town a day after the fair 
Running back home with the aim of catching a wild breed Hare

He "holds hard" after the shot has left the gun 
He locks the stable after the herd is all gone 
He won't die, though he is of no use alive 
His life, like that of a typical dreamer who carries water in a sieve 

He is Mr. Everything married to Mrs. Nothing 
They are born to rest and they are living to sleep 
Both of them, a typical breed of St. Judas
They cover their well after their children are drowned and left in the deep

They are always busy ploughing the air when their field is waist high in weed
Busy! They are at the old farm 
Bringing up buckets of water
After the last pillar of thier house is burnt down 
Still, they realize not that they are a living corpse.


Details | Limerick | |

Delmers Blue

Once had a horse named Delmer's Blue,
That always threw an odd random shoe.
I'd just manage to flippin' re-shoe it 
look! See? "Bleeep!" He Just threw it!
Bleepin' horse, he's been renamed Elmer's glue.



Details | Limerick | |

GUYS WILL BE GUYS

GUYS WILL BE GUYS
 ^ ^ ^             ^^


guy frogs are boisterously loud
        quacking  their throats, they feel male-proud
                 a stern warning to shoo
                 will invite crazed cuckoo …
                       so, no big bug meal was allowed


same creatures eyed a cute woman
    got white legs, tads acted human
         wiggling their green noses
          with a throw of roses…
                      turns out, she was an old ermine!



……………


© rights reserved
* don't guys act like frogs, chimps, and vice-versa? 
      such are men, kidding, moe!... :)
*Ermine is a weasel with a tail and brown , furry hair. :)

Contest:
John Freeman’s  “  Limericks Hilarious”
By: nette onclaud






Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Esther and Mike

Started writing: 1996
Finished writing: March 2012
Note: Inspired by my friend Mike

There once was a woman named Esther
Whose feelings were known to quite fester
Unless her lawn-mowing guy
Cut her lawn down to size
So her lawn and spirit were not mess-ters.

As long as Mike was her lawn-mowing man,
Sweet Esther was his biggest fan.
But once Mike could not mow
Her lawn and dismay did grow
Cutting down her lawn-mowing plan.

Some say that her lawn grew so high
That her lawn grew right over the sky.
Grew over airplanes that zoomed,
Birds, and hot air balloons,
'Til the man in the moon was green-eyed!


Note: Part of the Portrait Collection


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Soupers Limerick

There was a group of Soupers
Quite gracious about bloopers
They give you the “views”
And chase away blues
Me thinks they are real troopers!!! :)


Details | Limerick | |

Mongoose vis-a-vis Mongeese

If one mongoose is called a mongoose

   Then can't we conclusively deduce

      That two could be called mongeese

         'Twould make a great discourse piece

            Unless ye be dreadfully obtuse

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Brampton Lass

There once was a lass from near Brampton
Who felt she was "God's" most holy high gun
   It turns out she was mistaken
   Those she stalked quite unshaken
Her vile and vicious quips were quite undone


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

~ They call me the Pondering Poet if there's love to be found, I'll show it with euphony divine under boughs I will shine although once in a blue moon, I'll blow it... ~ A P.D. Contest ___________________________________


Details | Limerick | |

Murray

Written May 18, 2009

There once was a fella named Murray
Who lived his life in a flurry.
When the grim reaper stopped by
Murry refused to die
Saying, "I have a 
Meeting at 10:30."


Details | Limerick | |

Snow White Retold

There once was a girl named Snow White,
Of a poisoned apple she took a bite.
Seven dwarves found her sleeping,
And they began weeping.
Who would fix their supper tonight?

Only one thing could save this fair miss,
A prince must give her a kiss.
There was no time to waste,
So the dwarves they made haste,
To find a prince for their miss.

A prince showed up the next day,
And the dwarves they did not delay.
They showed him Snow White,
Told him of her plight,
Then said, "Kiss her, then be on your way."

The prince gazed down on her face,
And his heart started to race.
What a beautiful maid,
Yes, she must be saved!
To refuse would be a disgrace.

He bent and kissed her awake.
One kiss was all it did take.
They stared at each other,
The dwarves said, "Oh brother!"
"We may have made a mistake."

To the prince they said, "Listen here!"
"We want to be perfectly clear."
"Snow White belongs to us,
So don't raise a fuss,
Or you'll get a swift kick in the rear!"

Snow White was quick to object.
"Now boys, let's show some respect.
The prince saved my life,
And I'll gladly be his wife.
What else could you possibly expect?"

The prince said, "Hey, don't worry guys.
You won't have to say your good-byes.
You can live in the castle,
It won't be a hassle.
Cross my heart, I'm telling no lies."

So Snow White and her prince tied the knot,
And they honey-mooned on a great yacht.
The dwarves stayed behind
And at the castle they dined.
All in all they were pleased with their lot.


Details | Limerick | |

No Farting Allowed

There once was a story quietly told A memoir was embrassingly bold A lady took antacid For she was very lucid As antigas formula own tale rolled
Lucid means here easily understood Sponsor: Destroyer~Poet Contest:pooping contest


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick 2

A beautiful lady from Kildare 
glued a vibrator to her rocking chair
The ladies from Inniskeen
Thought she was mean 
For being unwilling to share.

For the perfect limerick 2 contest
Sponsored by  Andrea Dietrich.


Details | Limerick | |

Dirty limerick

Once seduced by his junior coworkers
Old man took his dates to the lockers
They used penile tweezers 
And shagged like young weasels
Too bad he forgot beta-blockers


Details | Limerick | |

Gumballs

My Father sold gumballs when I was eight.
I drew in the car, when he came back late.
My pictures said “This is you,”
I'd put on your dashboards too,
Then, dabbling in art and colors, I'd wait.


Details | Limerick | |

Twins In Name Only

Pickles dressed up in black eight inch heels
Tickles snuggled in flannel gown with toy eel
Pickles danced all night
To waning moonlight
Pickles home late tripped over eel took spill


Details | Limerick | |

WAITING FOR CUPID

Two virgins who were known as stupid
Spent wedding night waiting for Cupid 
Said something in his pants
Disturbed their sweet romance
And now it appears that it's rooted

Date: 5-31-14
Sponsor: Roy Jerden
Contest Name: Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy


Details | Limerick | |

Fantasy Vacation

I dream of a fantasy vacation 
At a steamy, exotic location 
I’d pound Monkey's Martini 
In my polka dot bikini 
And sip water for added hydration.


Details | Limerick | |

Saint Patty Day Lament

O'Malley was on Jerry Springer's
Describin' a pain that still lingers
While leavin' the bar
He didn't get far
Till somebody stepped on 'is fingers


March 9, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Money And Life

All the gold in Thomaston
Is in fancy banks uptown, hun
There are two on the square
Just waiting to use lair
To capture your funds then you're done


(Our town is drying up
Today I noticed that
it only seems that
the banks are prospering.)


Details | Limerick | |

Mosquito Pete, The rip Off

    Mosquito with a bloody mission

Taking what's mine without permission 

      Loss of blood and a bump
      Itchy scratch with a lump

  Donation of blood, no commission 






Details | Limerick | |

A Pricey Valentine

My valentine ever to be.
The girl of my dreams came to me.
   She wanted to play
   so I had to pay.
Satisfaction is guaranteed
 
My valentine's price was too much.
Her business kept all men in touch.
   Appointments were made
   Men met in the shade.
A call girl I found out as such!  

My valentine's not what she said.
I found out her heart was not red.
   She took all I had.
   But man she was bad.
Was worth it I took her to bed!! 


Written for Francine Roberts Valentine's Day Limerick


Details | Limerick | |

Over Zealous

There once was a zealous game warden
Whose tiny heart was very harden
His so clever wife surely said 
At his death would be well fed
Charging for _iss on grave with organ

Just for fun!!


Details | Limerick | |

Tongue Oil

My wife and I have many antiques
Refinished with loving techniques
   Now we're antique too
   I wish there were glue
To eliminate corporal creaks


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Treats

The highlight of the year for dear old Dad

     Was Halloween when treats were to be had

          His modus operandi

               Son you collect the candy

                    Snickers for me - licorice for you lad

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Miss Priss

<                           once there was a boss we called miss priss
                             like to give orders with snap of wrist
                             file fax make coffee
                             phones radio golly
                             when not looking I blow her big hiss


Details | Limerick | |

Slytraps Revenge!

There were some rude people from Slytrap
who only new how to write mean crap,
so on they all squiggled,
and manically giggled,
while Shakespearian fops took cat naps.


Details | Limerick | |

The more cooks the worse potage-w

I heard a saying long before
Too many cooks spoil the broth sure
I think it proves right
With one another they fight
The man dodges or they little to share.

-------------------------------------------

Ninth Placement
Contest: To die for Limericks


Details | Limerick | |

Ornery Cat

Simba's an ornery cat says the vet

  During visits both get greatly upset

      Simba grumbles and hisses

         Not at me or the missus

            But at the vet who ain't tamed him as yet

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Another Sailor's Tail Tale

They paddled till we reached the shore
Where I set them free to explore
Then back to the sea
This sailor did flee
They’ll not paddle me anymore


Details | Limerick | |

Bulgarian Beauty

A competition was held in Bulgaria 
to find out which girl's legs were hairier. 
The winning lassie 
beat a huge chimpanzee 
and a wiry old Irish Fox Terrier.


Details | Limerick | |

Good IMPression

I once had a boss called Mister Reviere
Each lunchtime for ages he'd disappear
What he was found wearing
Kept everyone staring
Oh my, the padlock was stuck by his ear







Contest : Single Limerick Contest: Horrible Bosses (and more) 
Unplaced


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy Cook

There was a young cook from the city
Thought all of his meals were so pretty
Once his meat was to tough
Didn't cook it enough
Now he scoops up after the kitty









Bawdy Contest
5/26/2014


Details | Limerick | |

Delusional

There once was a nutter quite frightful
Who spent so much time being spiteful
   When confronted with truth
   Completely debunking her sleuth
She barreled into delusions most delightful!


Details | Limerick | |

Who Let The Dogs Out ? { The DogGone Dog Contest}

<                              tell me now   Who ! Who ! ~  Let The Dogs Out ?
                                bet Carolyn pulling them by snouts ......
                                fleas ...  ticks....  she started to itch /////
                                screaming  sons of  a  ....... b .i...t...c....h
                                poor neighbor's dog now takes different route
                               
                                
                                
                                
Entry For
Andrea Dietrich's
The DogGone Dog Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

A Limerick To Those Who Can Not Acknowledge The Evolution Of Poetry:

You are witnessing a change in tone,
A new piece of the Rosetta Stone...
It may blow your mind
To find your behind
Has fallen quite far from the throne.


Details | Limerick | |

Virgo the Critic

There once was an old lady from Maine.
Born in Virgo, a critic, quite plain,
her zest for punctuation
caused poetic frustration,
but they cared for her all of the same.

While writing one day this fine teacher
met her match a right handsome preacher
he dissected her acts
found her lacking in tact
and schooled her behind the wood bleacher!


Details | Limerick | |

A Million-Dollar Dream

One dollar buys a million dollar dream.
Lotteries excite thoughts of esteem.
One day I bought a ticket,
My angst began to fidget.
Until I screamed; then went to redeem!


Details | Limerick | |

' no farting allowed ' - a scene in a car with friends

~*~ ========================== sultry aestival zephyr's puffing as elated lilt's playing - I'm huffing abdominal heftiness yeah! it exploded! SUCCESS! OOOPS!!! earphones plugged in ears . . . they're laughing. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Details | Limerick | |

Morning Procedure

I sipped a cup of coffee one fine morning,
and said to myself, "This is quite boring!"
I felt a tad bit too dead
so into the pot went my head,
because THIS wakes up you in the morning!


Details | Limerick | |

There Once Was A Man Called Nick

There was young man called Nick
Who wanted to take the girls on a pick-nic
He took a bottle of wine
He had a really good time
But we wondered which girl would pick Nick
© ~GG~ 30/12/2012


Details | Limerick | |

MY BED CALLS

With heaping speed like the flash
Am ah make a dash
My bed calls, dive in... splashhh
It was an honor and a pleasure
Poetry writers you'll so clever
Poetrysoup had me in a spell
O! well, farewell...
Goodnight ya'll
Catch you on the rebound
Tomorrow then, sleep now call
10:30 PM zzzzz-ing sound 
My bed Callsssssss

©Copyright January 22, 2012 by Brian Pierre-Alexander
© All Rights Reserved






Details | Limerick | |

Migraine

There's a little green man in my head,
With a hammer that's made out of lead,
He bangs day and night,
Just so that he might,
Make sure all my brain cells are dead!


Details | Limerick | |

The Standard of the High Life

The lifestyle I have I would keep
My expenses however are steep
So me you will serve
You're the help I deserve
Without any tip cause I'm cheap


Details | Limerick | |

A sad old flea

A sad old flea and a silly old gnat
were boogieing it down
on the neck of an aristocrat
When suddenly Splat
they're flat
And that was that


Details | Limerick | |

Bananas

On the banana I shall e'er expound

   I can consume bananas by the pound

      When on a huge eating spree

         My spouse quickly reminds me

            My knuckles are starting to drag the ground

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Honorable Mention in Andrea Deitrich's Contest - June 2012


Details | Limerick | |

PteraCarolyndactyl

An ancient bird, I soar above the sea
As a giant squid’s arms reach out for me
     He boasts, “I am the Kraken”
     But something he’s a-lackin’
One brush of my wings; he's pre-history


make the most
of what you have…
     my philosophy




*Written for PD’s “Dinosaur-Quest” contest
by Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick Fare

The way to cook up a good Limerick
Is to add the right words, then simmer it
But if it begets raunch
That’s unfit for your paunch
Then I wouldn’t touch it for dinner, ick!


         -and for dessert-


My gal loves to make Limerick-sicles
On very hot days to be whimsical
But the more we licked
The hotter it git
And often it’d even get critical.


Details | Limerick | |

The Man in the Moon's Surprise

The man in the moon crooned such a tune

That the cow jumped over and mooned

     But a methane gas

     The bovine did pass     

The man struck a match and kaboom!


*Entry for PD's poop or fart contest


Details | Limerick | |

Plight of the Leftover Christmas Cookies

Cookies must not go to waste
Specially those of great taste
So right passed my lips
And straight to my hips
I WILL let them go to WAIST

I so love to munch and munch
They’re brittle now with a crunch
The flavors- still great
But don’t satiate
They’re great with my office lunch

My body keeps them in store
Why can’t I get through the door?
Should have thrown them out
Now I am more “stout”
Ok, perhaps just one more?

Eileen Manassian Ghali


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Baa-lair and His Lost Sheep

There once was a leader called Blair To the Iraqi war he declared Like little lost sheep None of his party did weep Not one was found dead lying there


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Bubble-icious

There once was a gray shark called "Trouble"
He ordered his armchair X- double
A mermaid swam by
She smiled and said "Hi!"
He replied with a fragrant bubble...


Details | Limerick | |

Cockney

A cockney from over the water
Had a wife and a tasty young daughter
They would lead him a dance
And he stood not a chance
Cos they both never did what they oughta


Details | Limerick | |

Annoying Image


My mirror continues to annoy me Its contorting the face that I see I cant be that old But the truth be told My birthday and the image agree


Details | Limerick | |

Tone it down to ''at least for the duration''

Time does our earth presence sever
But the post office is clever  
And offers for sale
For its eternal mail  
A stamp that is good forever


Author's note: The idea that anything associated with this planet will be consumed "forever" is peculiar and laughable.  It is also destructive in that business holds the truth in shadows.


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Jill

Written on October 3, 2010

There once was a lady named Jill
Who laughed and laughed until
She rolled on the floor
Could laugh no more
And soon became very still...

Until a laugh bigger than ever
Arose and lasted forever.
Jill's laugh is never quite done
Because her thoughts are fun
And her smiling mind - very clever.

Gail's note: Inspired by my friend Jill
Part of the Portrait Poetry Collection


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Bad Ghoulish Goblin

There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.

© November 4, 2010
Dane Smith-Johnsen


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Uses for Magazines

There was an old fart named Rick
Whose thinking is sometimes thick
The toilet he went 
The tissue was spent
A magazine did the trick

© 2013 Rick Zablocki

Yes this am I did run out of toilet paper, which inspired this limerick.


Details | Limerick | |

A New Spin On Things

"

Two acrobats came from the tropics

Could do things in ways gyroscopic !

Having sex with their mates

They would spin figure eights!

But road shows were not philanthropic!!




+   +  +   +   +

For Roy's Contest:  "Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy"
5/9/14


Details | Limerick | |

A Golfer Named Rolf

There was a weekend duffer named Rolf

   Who proclaimed he knew all about golf

      Ball dinged a guy's head

         Hapless guy saw red

            Rolf should have yelled "FORE" when he teed off!

(23 March 2013)


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Isa

(Isa was an ESL student of mine from a small island country off Africa. The students were learning about limericks, and I wrote this one for Isa, because she really did love junk food!)

A lover of junk food, sweet Isa
was happy when she got her Visa.
For with it in hand,
she left for the land
of burgers and french fries and pizza!


(featured but never in a contest)


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BATTLE OF THE BULGE

 There is a potbelly in Kelly
  To whom it belongs  ‘Our Nelly’
   She’s banned from the pantry
    Works out in the gantry
     Her bikini versus the deli.

Copyright 2010
Harry J Horsman 2010


Details | Limerick | |

I'm Cuckoo For Coco Puffs

<                      once was an  cuckoo bird named Sonny
                         tagging along gramps as first  gunny
                               shooting up cereal bowls
                     with dark puffs @@@ nice ~ and ~ slow
                            Oh how trix rabbit did so runny  






Entry For Poets Destroyer 's
Your Favorite Cereal Limerick
GL All                                  


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Does it Make a Difference?





Now that election results are in
Did anyone you voted for win?
Why does it matter ?
Asked  the Mad Hatter..
Provocateurs they have all been...


For Carolyn's contest...


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October, 1582

The Julian calendar threw
Spring’s equinox path far askew 
But Gregory’s shift
Of ten days closed the rift
So Easter eggs roll now on cue


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Slick Limerick

Though 'tis said he writes to a fair degree

   Robert L. Hinshaw's inane potpourri

      Of poetical verse

         Is so very much vorse

            Then old Bill Shakespeare's works will ever be

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in Destroyer A Poet's "Slick Limerick" Contest - September 2011


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Untimely Rising

There once was a man in tight blue jeans.
Whose woman was covered in sunscreens.
     She rested her slipper	
     on top of his zipper.
Which caused a quick swelling of man veins!!

05/26/14


Details | Limerick | |

Iguanas on the Prowl

Reptilian creatures defy grace
Suzanne has eighty visiting her place
     She could not leave her home
     There was no room to roam
Confined – until a gator cleared space



*Entry for Nate’s Limerick contest


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Doctor Bills

I awaited, from my Doctor Quills,
A prescription for medicinal pills
  -  the pills were applied
  -  but I about died
When I had received his pill bills!


Details | Limerick | |

His Majesty

Kitty awakened me at four.
He wanted to go out the door.
Roused from slumber deep,
Can't go back to sleep.
Not so, sweet Kitty, hear him snore!!    

Won No. 2

Written for Francine Roberts' "Short and Sweet" contest Dec. 26, 2011


Details | Limerick | |

Hexed

Dear Plumbing I am extremely vexed.
I never know where you will burst next.
I took a nice bath,
And incurred your wrath.
Why you won't turn off has me perplexed.

Came in no.7


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A valentine reprise

Hot passion ties hearts in tight knots
Its heat roasts with thousands of watts
Instead of the norm
Drop this love and feel warm
Consumed with lust for chocolàtes


Details | Limerick | |

CLIP IT ON

Clip it on and don't think twice
Clip it on cuz it looks nice.
Clip it on so you know where it is at.
Clip it on maybe to a hat.
Clip it on so it does not fall off.
Clip it on so your pet don't runaway.
Clip it on so it stays in place.
Clip it on in outer space.
Clip it on every day.
Clip it on around the world.
JUST CLIP IT ON.


Details | Limerick | |

Wally Needs to Lighten Up a Little

We went on a Lampoon vacation
Drove damn near across our great nation
We found Wally World
The rides made me hurl
(Can’t repeat Wally’s exclamation)

Submitted for: Carolyn’s contest


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Harrysaurus

HARRYSAURUS
(Limerick)

Lost within the realm of modern living
Simple tasks of electronics unforgiving
Wasted upon the keyboard
An unique energy fraud
A life in truth of realistic misgiving.

WHY
(Haiku)

Incompatible
Left behind a historic...
Nature’s dinosaur.

For PD's contest Dinosaur Quest
19th March 2012


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It ain't cheap

The stable's my favorite spot
I can walk jump cantor and trot
With horse--my friend true 
I take ribbons of blue 
For the cost of owning a yacht!


Details | Limerick | |

Golfer Rolf

There once was a weekend golfer named Rolf

   Who thought he knew everything about golf

      His wild ball dinged a guy's head

         His cuss words best be unsaid

            Rolf forgot to yell "FORE" when he teed off

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

My First Car

My First car
I bought my first car; a Burnt golden Daf
An automatic vehicle that did not cut a dash
The seats folded flat
We could make use of that
But when the brake failed, we hit the stream with a splash.


Details | Limerick | |

Just do it

A group i knew had an incredible sound
A number one hit up the pop charts bound,
The drummer played with plenty of heart
Every second beat a well formed fart,
The stage show a new experience found.

Copyright Harry J Horsman 2014
Re-released for Jan's fart party

  


Details | Limerick | |

Accepting the Bulge

She went to the beach with a blanket.
Fat all around; she would not tuck-it.
String bikini and sand
Covered less than her hand.
Her husband hid his head in a bucket.

Reposted for Poetry Soup Member Contest: ANY FUNNY POEM 	
Sponsored by: ¥ Destroyer ¥ Poet

© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
May 22, 2010


Details | Limerick | |

What to Buy

What to Buy?
 
Avoiding clothes again this year
You have strange taste; so wipe that sneer
   The tie that you said “blew”
   And your hissy fits too
The men’s department?  I’ll stay clear!

 
For some a gift card would be nice
But you whine over every price
   No hobbies have you, dear
   You even find sports queer
So what do I buy you?  Think twice!

 
Please drop the act; I’m not buying
Cross-dressers are known for lying
   Victoria’s Secret
   Silk panties, your pocket?
For my high heels we’ll be vying




Details | Limerick | |

Whoot Dun It

Written By Gail DeBole

There once was an owl whose loud hoot
Could frighten the fiercest of brutes.
A "whoo-t" of renown
Sent birds circling the town
To find out who did what when to whoo-t!


Details | Limerick | |

The Lady Wonders

The bridegroom was over the hill
At ninety he held his own still
His bride a young eighty
Was too much a lady
To ask if he had a blue pill






**for "Slapstick Limerick Contest"
sponsored by John Freeman




Details | Limerick | |

Yarns of a Seafaress

Hemingway’s famous “Old Man and the Sea”
Simply couldn’t hold a candle to me
     I caught Ahab’s great white whale
     Did some surfing on his tail
Made him jump through hoops ‘fore I set him free

In Scotland I gave Nessie a big scare
As with my huge net, the beast I did snare
     I held on as Nessie tugged
     Then set her free as I shrugged
To tell the truth, Nessie hadn’t a prayer

And now I’ve set my sights on the Kraken
Oh yes, I’m more than a fishing bumpkin
     And so for Norway I sail
     To prove women aren’t frail
This giant squid is simply a munchkin
 .


Written for Susan’s “Ridiculous Self-Exaggerations” contest
*Last line is the metaphor


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Rich Relative Nuptials

This wedding is hard-labor duty
(All the guests are acting so SNOOTY!)
A whole lotta' bunk!
Guess I'll get drunk
And pinch that thar bridesmaid's stiff booty...

For Joann's contest


Details | Limerick | |

A Girl from france

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL FROM FRANCE WHO DANCED ON STAGE WITH NO PANTS SHE SHOWED OFF HER TUSH BUT NEVER HER BUSH SHE LEFT THE CROWD IN A TRANCE


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'Veto'

Politician in the making He had my abdomen aching Suicide he would not commit I’d kill myself, he admit No vote from me, that goes without saying
*True story, a politician’s response, To the question, would you ever commit suicide?* Contest: Slapstick Limerick 9th Place


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Halloween Curmudgeon!

I have no beef with Halloween per se

     Tho' 'tis like a vast guv-mint giveaway

          'Tis a scheme to spread the wealth

               As kids shake me down with stealth

                    I aim to keep socialism at bay

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in John Freeman's "Halloween Limerick" Contest - November 2010


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Medical Mystery

Whenever you're not feelin good

you go to the Doc like you should

        If you need a pill

        which you probably will

he'll prescribe it like any Doc would.

This treatment began years ago

prescribing pills seems quite apropos

        But what gets my goat
        
        once that pill's down your throat

how does it know where to go?


Details | Limerick | |

Cheap Sex

There once was a girl from Quebec
Who really wanted to have quick sex
Pants below her knees
She's waiting to please
Definition of a sex object


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BooVille

Long ago in Booville lived a Doo
Doo had a friend named Rue-Foo
Rue-Foo was obsessed with candy
But he was never handy
Then Rue-Foo found a mooing Phu-boo


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Luner and Donder a Love Story

There once was a mad cow named Luner
Who loved Santa’s reindeer named Donder
She bought herself antlers
And a star map of Cancer
Her lift off was quite a disaster!

She mooooooooed “I really do need gas.”
Donder winked at her as he passed.
Letting go of a load
With antlers on hold,
She rose off the ground at last.

Now, Ole Santa, he saw silly Luner
He Ho Ho’ed “What is next flying tuna???”
Donder “Your grounded!
Your lust is unfounded
Get a room you two honeymooners!”



Details | Limerick | |

CLOTHES MAKE THE WOMAN

There was a young lady named Dela,
Who always dressed well for her feller.
What did Delaware?
I really don't care,
But I think she should have dressed weller.


Details | Limerick | |

The failed Test


Another new day at school,
Trying to not break a rule,
The lad gave his best,
Yet failed the test.
Mama’s not gonna think this is cool!


Details | Limerick | |

The Knew Car

Wife wanted a car that was new
But used was the best I could do
When yelling was through
This fact remained true
That used car was new car to you


Details | Limerick | |

The Dog Gone Dog Contest

Pride and Prejudice A Dog’s Tale

Simply scratching is really not fair
said King Kong to the mut in his lair
you’ve laid down with me’s
and I’m covered with fleas
Now, Fay Wray will end our affair!

Oh well, said the pink Pomeranian
Find a pet, a bit, more pedestrian
Let sleeping dogs lie
too near to your thigh
or go for a prize more Wagnerian!

Brunhilda you see cares not if you’ve fleas
for horned helmets has she’s for releases
She’ll scratch your back
when fleas attack
That Fay Wray lacks tact and she sneezes!


~Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas
~~Let sleeping dogs lie

*The 1933 original version of King Kong 
  stared actist Faye Wray as the apes girlfriend.
**A pomeranian is a long haired German dog.
***Wagner is a German composer who wrote The Ride of the Valkyries
      Brünnhilde is one of the eight valkyrie sisters, commonly seen 
      in horned helmets who bring souls to Valhala.



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An Ambassador my first car


An Ambassador with an antique touch was my first car and I loved it much could be started easily even with my locker key gears could be changed without using clutch. Such a car was not easy to be found each part except the horn used to make sound part by part had to sell it all parts were sold except seats I used them to make a merry-go-round! By:kash poet ============================== Placement:3rd;(March 2012) Contest:My First Car Sponsor:Carol Brown


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February Funny Bone

.

There once was a famous foreteller A groundhog, (a cute little feller)! February was cold So he came out and told.... “Come join me! …It’s warm in my cellar!!”
............................................................................................................................................ For Linda Marie's February Funny Bone Contest By Carrie Richards 2/2/12 (Groundhog Day!)


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Color Blind

My darling man is quite the catch
Except when his two socks don't match.
I have known him to
Wear black with bright blue
Or colors like a garden patch.

won 5th


Details | Limerick | |

What'll I Do

“O’Reilly! …what’ll I do with Miss Glamour?
She’s me girl, but can no longer stand ‘er:
  -  Farts all the time
  -  for no reason or rhyme …”
That’s easy, mate … Buy a windjammer!


Details | Limerick | |

Coffee Master

I am the greatest coffee drinker.

The best wide awake thinker.

I drink my java,

hotter than lava,

always black.  I never tinker.


My Joe does not flow from a mug,

cause I down it from a gallon jug.

My coffee is the strongest,

and my buzz lasts the longest.

I hate to move slow, like a slug.



Christopher Bunton
Feb.  7, 2012

For the ridiculous self exaggeration contest


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Harry

There once  was a man called Harry
Who could be very contrary
Hated having to shop
Rather go on the pop
Rolled home singing quite merrily


Details | Limerick | |

Threat Regret

“If I claimed you sexually harassed me,
Who do you think they’d actually believe?
You – the convicted felon,
Or me, with my large melons?”
“You…so I might as well take what I please!”


8/15/11

Received 4th place in "Horrible Bosses Limerick" contest


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Bombs Away

Once was robin-bird
Acted quite absurd
Bombed friend once; did it twice
Gall to even mark her thrice!
Don't care to explain what heard!


Details | Limerick | |

Haiku Hell

Haikus with beer go well, I was told So I sat down and I ate eighty-four And when I got through I’m here to tell you, There sure was a mess on the floor Written by John Posey 12/22/12


Details | Limerick | |

The Indian Giver Love Bandit

He promised to love me forever
Then again he was just being clever
He took back his love
So I gave him a shove
Headfirst in cow dung-my endeavor!





** for Indian Giver contest
  sponsored by(Destroyer ((Poet


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A Bear Care

There once existed a fierce bear
Nothing with anybody would he share

Then one day he cried
Because friends he denied

Then he vowed to always play fair


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My Sweet Ride

~ There once was a car that never did start it sputtered and spit and even did fart I love that car dear to lose it I fear I shall never forsake that quaint Dodge Dart Each memory of joy of days long ago still fill my heart in times I feel low you are my sweet ride for we stand side by side although our time spent is a time in-tow ~ "Contest" LOL


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Wino - Why No


   ~~~~    Wino ? - Why No !   ~~~~

I like a glass of wine, now and then,
While relaxing, feet up, in the den.
I'll quit after one
'Cause spillings no fun
When two often becomes five or ten.


Details | Limerick | |

Slick Limerick

There once was a garden at Carrie’s ....no weeds! But, nature has turned quite contrary--indeed!! She stumbled and fell Where bumble sounds dwell Now her ‘green thumb’ is red like a berry!!......Mean bees!!
Ouch! For Destroyer A Poet's Contest :"Slick Limerick" By Carrie Richards


Details | Limerick | |

The Birds and The Bee's

The Birds And The Bee's There was a young bird from Eng-land Who found a Bee with something sharp in his hand Is that a stinger for me? She asked him with glee No my dear, it’s something more grand.
Written By Mandy Tams: Entry for the Birds and Bee's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Midnight Lover

He pocketed the ring and sidled over
Temptation too much for this old rover
     When kissing wife “goodnight”
     Cold sweat beading and fright
Realising band lost at midnight lover


Details | Limerick | |

Pay Up

<                    hes my banker and my heads horseman
                      calling bounty on anothers land
                      hark the herald angels
                      I think this game is swell
                      now thimble owes me sixty five grand







Written by Katherine Stella

Entry For Judy Konos's
Monopoly The Game Of Life Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

Needle In The Hay

Jack and Jill were in the barn one day,

when Jack spoke of a game to play.

But, when the door was shut,

something poked Jill in the butt.

It seems she found a needle in the hay.



For the "Needle in the hay" contest


Details | Limerick | |

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Through Falser Teeth

If on history books we can rely

     'Tis said Washington never told a lie

          He had false teeth it is said

               Yet uttered truths from his head

                    But pols now with 'wisdom' teeth are so sly

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Trader Joe

<                           once there was a man named trader Joe
                             could do nothing with hair so let grow
                             under big coonskin hat
                             fleas tick and his pet rat
                             mercantile's just say Oh Hell No


                            once there was saloon name lucky spur
                            where traders brought in their hunted furs
                            in walks old trader Joe
                            miss Molly said let's go
                            now both itch scratch from leftover burrs


Details | Limerick | |

Waitress Woes-Nasty Customers

Well you're saying your steak isn't rare
And there's food stains on your silverware
You say I exude
A bad attitude
Well just ask me if I really care!

You've been nothing but trouble for me
Now you're trying to get your meal free
I've seen your type before
Let me show you the door
No you can't have a refill of tea!

Now I hear all these rude things you say
Don't you know I work hard for my pay?
I'm as good as you are
Guess I'll go hit the bar
Cos' I'm quitting this job anyway!



**for contest "A Fly On The Wall"
sponsored by Michael Falotico


Details | Limerick | |

Fatal Ego

A muscular aerial acrobat
Young Mandy avoided nets, just like that
  
    Going netless has its perks
     Only if your balance works

You could say hubris made Mandy go splat



*for Natalie’s “Die a Fun Death” contest
11/20/2011 (Hubris is excessive pride or arrogance)


Details | Limerick | |

My Favourite Dish

Big, bad Bubba knew how to dish it out

Without provocation he’d start to shout

     His bedroom “dish” took a hike

     The last time his temper spiked

When she saw steam fuming out his big snout




*Entry for David’s “My Favourite Dish” contest


Details | Limerick | |

Date Worse Than Death

She checked into her room rather late Her motel had declared lowest rates But the price was to sour Compromised in the shower !! The weird owner was young Norman Bates!!
_________________________________________ For Contest Sponsored By Black Eyed Susan 8/19/13


Details | Limerick | |

The Snake

There once was a couple, called Adam and Eve Who a little joke they did conceive They told all, that as they walked They met a snake that talked But the plan backfired when it was believed.


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween

It's about that time for Halloween
Look at all the witches so scary and green
I'm getting ready to scare the pants off the kids
Have fun enjoy doing it I always did
It's halloween I'm not being mean


Details | Limerick | |

Happy Birthday Fat Man

In the many long years since your birth
You've made twenty eight laps with the earth
In that time you've taken
Your fair share of bacon
And thus greatly increased in your girth


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick

My tongue ain't so long I can lick it,
My nose where a finger can stick it.
What good is it there,
Just sucking in air,
If I ain't allowed to go pick it?


Details | Limerick | |

BIRDS AND BEES




At church, young niece asked me in a blink

What mating meant with a curious wink

    “It's a  bird-and-bee's dream

      For girls who reach  sixteen”

Pined she,” that’s not what my classmates think”




----------

Andrea Dietrich's ONE REALLY FUNNY, 
CORRECTLY METERED LIMERICK


Details | Limerick | |

Rhyme

Rhyme in time.
Lime sublime.
Monday time to work or experience
something new.
Limerick.


Details | Limerick | |

Salt Lickings

To the theater went bold Mary Brown

for her sweetness she's surely renown

then she salted her corn

when her date wanted porn

Now he lies in the aisle quite facedown.




Details | Limerick | |

My Favourite Tits

The lovely thing about chickadees
For this Highlander they so easy please
They can be great, blue or green
For they just have to be seen
I bet you thought this was about sleaze











http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-4.php


Details | Limerick | |

Debauchery

I inhaled the smoke, then wished to flee,
thinking to myself "This is debauchery!".
Take a gutter stub
and light it back up,
seeing how a slow death be your fancy!


Details | Limerick | |

Pear Shaped

This darn belly fat came out of nowhere I swear that yesterday it wasn't there I'm so freaking mad Need a doughnut bad Can't stand that I look like a fricken pear...
Show Me The Funny contest...


Details | Limerick | |

Rock-Paper-Scissors

Once started a new love affair scissors were dancing on a paper it was a Rock dance paper didn't take chance the affair thus vanished like vapour! © kashinath karmakar ( 15th June 2011) ================================= Placement: 6th;(June 2011) Contest:Rock~Paper~Scissors Sponsor:Poet Destroyer(Irma Linda)


Details | Limerick | |

Leaf Briefs

Underwear used to be a fig leaf
Then somebody invented the brief
I think it’s absurd
To name it that word
I mean, what’s briefer than a leaf?

Was it named by a white collar thief?
Like a lawyer who longed to be chief?
I could see his purport
When he said in court
“Your Honor, I’ll make this brief, brief, brief.”

“First of all, I would not use a leaf
As our skivvies’ business motif.”
He then rests his brief case
And picks up his briefcase
That held leafs of briefs, and the chief’s briefs.


Details | Limerick | |

Out Ninja'd

There was a fearless Ninja boy Who’s mighty sword he’d oft deploy Till with nunchucks one his bell did ring And put an end to his Ninjaing Made his sword look like a toy
11/6/2011


Details | Limerick | |

Eine kleine Nachtmusic or a little serenade

Is this Mozart's musical score
Or sonata of sounds I abhor?
I have a good ear
But I'd rather not hear
The loud notes composed when you snore


Details | Limerick | |

ME

 There once was a lady from Cali
 Born and raised in the Valley
 She married a dude
 With a bad attitude
 So divorce was her grand finale


Details | Limerick | |

Early Morning

Early Morning
Dr. James E. Martin
©November, 2013

The day began with a jolt
As from the bed I did bolt.
I am now recovering,
From what I am discovering,
My legs did instantly revolt.


Details | Limerick | |

Brokeback hillock

Two cowboys were out on the range
When one said “I feel rather strange”
Said the other “come here
If you feel a bit queer
And I’ll just see what I can arrange”


Details | Limerick | |

A Sweet Young Girl

There was a Mantis, a sweet young girl,
Who wanted to give mating a whirl!
She found a poor boy
With whom she could toy,
Who didn’t know his life would unfurl!


Footnote:
Some female Praying Mantises are notorious for eating their mates after or even 
during the reproductive act. Strangely, this doesn’t deter the males, typical!


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Soup Guffaws

My Soup friends are out of sight
When I’m lonely in the night
Their poems I read
And come up to speed
And everything seems alright

Poems in shapes and sizes
Poets in different guises
Some are really hot
Their words hit the spot
So welcome to the prizes!!

Some write of nature and plants
Though not one about the ants 
Some hot body parts
Some mention the arts
While others write raves and rants

Each has a story to tell
Most poets are really swell 
Some write about sex
Their great big "dog" Rex
Or how love has turned to hell!

There are lots of contests too
One’s sure to appeal to you
Footles may be fun
Word games and a pun
I stick to the tried and true

I cannot write on demand
Or my muse will have me canned
I write what I feel
And that is my deal
But well wishes to this band! 

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Limerick | |

The Cougar With The Green Thumb

There once was a cougar named Rose

who kept the young men on their toes.

Working in her garden

they'd say "beg your pardon

I'll bet you could use a good hose!"



for Bawdy Limericks Two contest
sponsored by Roy Jerden


Details | Limerick | |

Last Line

Limericks are mighty fine Likened to aged great fine wine Some sweet, some bawdy Some down right naughty Secrets found in this short line
Just for fun!!!


Details | Limerick | |

Mother-To-Be

Mother-To-Be
Dr. James E. Martin
©May, 2013

A mother-to-be was she.
She was happy as she could be.
A new baby boy,
Would bring her much joy,
If only she weren’t seventy three.


Details | Limerick | |

The Last Of The Romantics

She was the only love he'd ever known

   For the cheap wedding ring he would atone

      She pined for a bigger "ice"

         A five carat stone would be nice

            The jerk bought her a one ton graveyard stone

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Misplaced Concern

I become quite vain when around pretty girls.
And a whole flock of them makes my head whirl.
Attempting sensitivity,
I asked one, "Do you have a disease?"
She said, "I was fine a moment ago, but NOW I wanna hurl!"



NOTE: This was based off a true story (though I exaggerated it slightly, for the sake of having it rhyme and fit with the limerick). I came into work one day and noticed one of my co-workers didn't look so hot. I was concerned and said, "Are you feeling alright today? Did you sleep well?". She just looked at me and said, "I'm quite fine, Timmy. I've actually had a full nine hours sleep... I just didn't take the time to put my make-up on this morning". Needless to say I never quite heard the end of it...


Details | Limerick | |

Class Is In Session

A game that my wife and I played
To teacher I would be an aide 
My best I applied
To pass test I tried
And at breakfast I’d wait for grade


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

Don’t worry if your food contains fat,   
Can indulge after leaving your flat.   
Fat Tuesday is coming soon,   
You can feel like a balloon.
Just enjoy, and eat another stack.   

By Greg Stanley


Details | Limerick | |

Hark--an Angel--The harbinger of all things good

What flies though the air up above
Disguised as a peace seeking dove
For those who've not heard
Drones can send you the bird
From the land of brotherly love

Author's note: Is this really how to win friends and influence people (for the long term)?


Details | Limerick | |

Egotistical Twit

I had a boss who thought he was it He was an Egotistical Twit When he passed away On funeral day Only two people showed and that’s it


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bones

In February Bonny Maroni
left school with her boy friend BIG Toni
his feet and nose 
large I suppose
were just part of what charmed Miss Maroni


Poet: Debbie Guzzi


Details | Limerick | |

Bill And Kate

Bill and Kate are wed and I wish them well
They are so in love far as I can tell
But they've got to learn so much
To evince that royal touch
So not from Queen Liz to catch 'oly 'ell

Wave as if screwing light bulbs in sockets
Billy keep your hands out of your pockets
Wear perpetual glowers
Never serve Liz Whiskey Sours
Zazas she likes for happy hour dockets

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Blowing Ma's Social Security Check

When Ma got her social security check

    To the Cripple Creek casinos she'd trek

         Coins passed through her greedy paws

             To feed the slots' gaping maws

                  Leaving Pa peeved wanting to wring her neck

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Delete

I often accuse my computer
Of being a sanity looter.
     If someone has seen
     Bullet holes on the screen
I'd admit it, 'cause I'd be the shooter!


Details | Limerick | |

The Gardener's Lament


A fickle young gardener called Burt,
Changed ladies much more than his shirt!
Until he beguiled
A vixen so wild
He's now planted deep in the dirt!

©deborah burch
6/07/2012


Details | Limerick | |

Trio of limericks

Trio of Limericks.


Saving money

There was an old fellow named Dave
He found a dead chook in a cave
It smelled just a bit
But he had to admit
That a whole lot of coin he did save.


When Andy got randy

There was an old sheep dog named Andy
He had such a liking for brandy
One day he got drunk 
And lord how he stunk
Cause with an old skunk he got randy.

Poor lady

Once an old lady named Faye
Who ate like a horse every day
This day she did choke
And it was no joke
Her corpse in a heap now does lay.




Details | Limerick | |

Tallulah's Band



There was a fine bird named Tallulah
who had the most fine alula*
she played on her drum
rum-a-tum-tum
Fine solos* for her sister Beulah.

Fair Beulah thought “I’ll not be outdone!”
“It’s my civic* duty to strum”
so this one high noon*
with her alula she tuned
An accompaniment to rum-a-tum-tum!

While the gals thought it their civic duty
to play music all root-a-toot-tootie 
they rocked the nest
and you know the rest
Both gals fell on their plump feathered booties!

*Palimdromes used alula [short bird feathers corresponding to a thumb]
  civic, solos, noon
  Poet: Debbie Guzzi


Details | Limerick | |

Lottery win

A girl once won a lottery ticket
She cashed it in at the wicket
Shared it with her spouse
Who turned out to be a louse
Spent all the wicked lottery ticket.


Details | Limerick | |

Spaced Out

There once was a Vulcan named Spock He got sad when some people would mock His strange pointy ears He would burst into tears... So he finally had both of them cropped! There once was a Captain named Kirk It was well known that he was a jerk! When the Enterprise docked And he saw Mister Spock He scoffed at those chopped ears that hurt!! Each one of the Enterprise crew Knew that Spock's self-esteem was so blue So they grabbed Captain Kirk By his feet and his shirt And tossed from the spaceship he flew!! Mister Spock's ears had finally healed through He pierced each with earrings brand new Captain Kirk in disgrace Floats in deep outer space What became of him?....nobody knew!! All evidence was quickly erased And the killers have left not a trace Although Kirk may be gone... He lives now, in re-runs...., so,... "trekkies" are still seeing his face!!


Details | Limerick | |

Santa

As thin as a thistle Santa  in chimney  got stuck
In  the passage heavily blocked by years of  muck
struggling through the  soot
Santa fell down like a coot
And came out looking like a dark fancy duck.


Details | Limerick | |

Pity the Poor Katydid

Somehow you flew in and hid
Right under my toilet lid
Ouite sure you were dead
'Little pest!' I said
Pity the poor Katydid!

Saw a leg twitch, God forbid
Guess what I done-gone-and-did?
'Okay, my green lass
Go die in the grass'
Pity the poor Katydid!

*** Katydids are harmless bright green insects with large wings in the cricket-grasshopper 
family


Details | Limerick | |

Hillary

Hillary Clinton has been under fire
This was not her desire
There's something on the table
She'll do that if she's able
Wonder why she just doesn't retire  


Details | Limerick | |

The Real Bottom Line



Really can't believe my good fortune This tale I'll do my best to shorten The real bottom line Was her yummy behind It definitely relieved my damn boredom © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Stephen King's Best

It's Halloween night, what's on T.V.?
Gory reruns is all that there be.
All of Stephen King's best
Being put to the test,
Vampires, Plymouths and Cujo I see.

An angry little girl starting fires
And Salem's Lot is full of vampires.
There's a self-mending car,
Aliens from afar,
Just feeding all our horror desires.

Stephen King is the master of shock.
To his movies the horror buffs flock.
When the King is around
Movie chills can be found.
Horror movies, they just make us gawk.




for John Freeman's Halloween limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Twelve Seconds

<                    Once was a bartender named Louie
                      Thought my tales story was quite screwy                                     
                      Asked how many seconds
                      Was in year he reckons
                      Twelve shouted out by cousin dewey







Entry For
Confession To A Bartender


                                  


Details | Limerick | |

The Plant

A request by a poet to write
About a pic she sent me tonight
I don't know what it is
Give me a clue, gee whiz
If I write, will it turn out alright






Dane Ann kindly pinged a picture of a plant to write about.
To be honest I never had a Scooby Do what it was, hence my Limerick
I'll be getting detention, amd a note saying 'could do better'









http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-4.php


Details | Limerick | |

Worlds Toughest Job

I see the worlds toughest job, every night,

and the woman, that does it just right!

     If you're wondering who can she be,

     she appears on TV 

It's none other, than "Wheels" - Vanna White!


Details | Limerick | |

There once was a Nun

There once was a Nun and a Druid

Exchanging some bodily fluid,

          When along strode the Father

          Who heard all the bother,

Lost stickum while coming unglu..ed.


Details | Limerick | |

The under water solution

When the money is mostly spent
Find the lowest terms for the rent
A car on a train
Protects well from the rain
But better yet let's get a tent


Details | Limerick | |

Linda-Marie Bariana

To my sweetheart Linda-Marie Bariana
Hawaii’s lovely to go and I really wanna
We can make love under a date tree
Which is pleasing to me
Sipping on a Malibu with a banana 


Details | Limerick | |

Sneaky, Treaty, Now Not So Meaty

There once was a Ninja so sneaky
He broke their mercenary treaty
For he turned on his own
Because greed was his bone
His skeleton is now not so meaty

Now let this be a lesson to all
Be upstanding and honour your call
Like the Ninja has fared
No sneaks can be spared
If you do it, your never to fall


Details | Limerick | |

What Choice??

You insist that I only choose one
Finite human or god in the sun
Man has long pondered this
But as to my wish
I'll face death and have ALL the fun!!


Details | Limerick | |

Happy Birthday


last summers vacation was a quite a trip
for the first time, I did skinny dip
I stripped off all my clothes
and struck a quick pose
I was hoping my package was equip....




Details | Limerick | |

By Now

By now, the crowd was cheering while some of them were leering looking at the treaters pushing at the streeters that were from the trees swingin' Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2006 October,27,2014


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Limerick

There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy


Details | Limerick | |

A Fellow named Taz

There once was a fellow named Taz,
who liked to write with flare and pizazz,
this name he was given,
at the ripe age of seven,
because all of his friends he would razz!


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Man

There once was a man from everywhere
Within New Jersey’s infamous lair
Mdegenhardt his name
Rhyming is his game
Through the internet he peddles his ware


Details | Limerick | |

Cowpoke Meyers

There was once an old cowpoke named Meyers

   For decades he'd rode an old hoss named Squires

      He'd roped steers and fixed fences

         Enjoyed beer and square dances

           And was bowlegged as a pair of pliers

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Moon Pie

two small chimps sitting on a limb
can’t tell which is the her or him
pretending to fight
they do it all night
starting soon as the lights go dim

For John's Limerick contest
Oct 5 2011


Details | Limerick | |

Out Of Tune

.
My autoharp was way out of tune
With it could not longer in tune croon
Took it to the music man
He tuned it to match his band
Now my sound is truly bassoon

Check note


Details | Limerick | |

A Man From Rome

There once was a man from Rome who's head was shinny like chrome gave the world spiritual hope was given the title of Pope now he wears a hat like that of a gnome


Details | Limerick | |

To Our Resident Mr Funny Poet Jack

Jack’s the name of our friend
With him, a joke has no end
He writes about “shit”
Gives poor folks a fit
Drives Soupers over the bend!

His wisdom’s coupled with fun
Guffaws you’ll get on the run
Nutso’s and derriers
Hogs and teddy bears
But where’s Attila the HUN!?

You’ve asked that things be kept light
What of us lost in the night?
We all need to vent
Emotions to spend
Or we're in a sorry plight!

But we need poets like you
To show us funny things too
So don’t you dare stop
This kangaroo hop
Of funny writes, oh so new!

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Limerick | |

On The Southern Alligator Farm

Down south on the small alligator farm
Alligators grown to size to alarm
All the workers there too scared
Of young gators as they aired
Parachuted food to keep them from harm

(Inspired by Carolyn's picture but not entry.)


Details | Limerick | |

Hanky-Panky

There was a dirty old man named Hanky

   Who suggested they play Hanky-Panky

      Please meet me at my chateau

         Your hubby will never know

            She jabbed where it hurt and said No Thanky

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Lottery Loser

I enter the lottery discretely
For a dollar I do it quite cheaply
I’ve never won a cent
But this doesn’t prevent
Me from giving them my money weekly


Details | Limerick | |

Plumber's Crack

There once was a plumber named Bruce
who wore his pants much too loose.
While at Ms. McBee's
his pants fell to his knees
Oh my, how his crack could seduce!


Details | Limerick | |

What a boar - limerick contest

There was a man with a shovel
Whose house was a relative hovel
Digs a hole in the floor
Think his dad was a boar
Cos he cant stop sniffing for truffle



Penned 17 August 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Be Not Perturbed

My dear reader, please, don't be afraid
When I say stuff like discombobulate
I say big words
Because I'm a nerd
Not to label your intelligence as "up for debate"


Details | Limerick | |

Mahala

My granddaughter's name is Mahala
She plays with lots of great stamina
We run here and there
We play everywhere
Pretending to be a tarantula

© 2013 Rick Zablocki


Details | Limerick | |

Loose Louise

There was a young man in a pickle
His girlfriend Louise was quite fickle
When the test came out blue
She told him it's not you
With others I played slap and tickle





* for Deborah Guzzi's  Limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Taxing Dilemma

Rich ones get richer from our wages.
Middle man paid with too many pages.
We continue on path.
Hiding outrageous wrath,
Revolved in political stages,

Taxes, taxes, what will be the due.
Deductions, exemptions for a few,
All my money they have kept.
Deducting tears I wept.
Tax man arrived claimed all of them too.

The poor keeps getting poorer each year.
They cannot wait for rebate, they cheer.
Sell off, early rebate.
Federal and the state,
Money now, money, for wine and beer,


Written for

Sponsor Carolyn Devonshire 
Contest Name Taxing Times 


Details | Limerick | |

I'm So Over You


Bald lies are all your slick tongue can utter
They come from your mouth like melted butter
But I'm not blue
I'm so over you
Come round again I'll kick you to the gutter


For the Valentine Limerick contest...


Details | Limerick | |

Need Me Deb's Handy Man

Please lend me your handy man
Let’s share HIM! Now that’s a plan
I too need some FUN
So be a dear, hon
And send me that Irish man

I won’t keep him very long
Oh, dear, now that would be wrong
I’ll send him to you
When my OOOOOOssss are through
For to you he does belong!!!!

EMG

OH I'm NAUGHTY! Please read Debbie Guzzi's Limerick ...The Handy Man! Deb...don't KILL ME!



Details | Limerick | |

Horney Jack

Horney Jack, an old friend of mine,

married three wives at one time!

        I asked, "Why the third"?

        He said, "one, is absurd,

and bigamy, of course, is a crime"!


Details | Limerick | |

Not So Lucky Lottery

I went to the store to buy a lottery ticket
But wanted to get lucky before I would pick it
I asked the girl at the counter
If, perhaps, I could mount her
And was told just where I should stick it


Details | Limerick | |

The Ford That Roared

My first car was a thirty-seven Ford

   It would do all of forty-five when floored

      The horn played Little Bo Peep

         Had straight pipes on the old heap

            Cops not amused as about town I roared

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in Carol Brown's "My First Car" Contest - March 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Antoine

Antoine is a Vampire Ghoul,

Quite barbaric, bloodthirsty and cruel,

         With a fang in your throat

         He’ll suck slowly and gloat

With a smile as you whimper and mewl.


Details | Limerick | |

Geoffrey the Golfer

There was an old duffer named Geoff 
Whose putting was just not enough
The shot he did take
He missed with a quake
And filled his mind with unpure thoughts

©2013 Rick Zablocki

For Craig's Golf Limirick Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Fat Acrobats



A fat acrobat from Detroit
lost his grip for he wasn't adroit
he fell with a plop
his partner on top
which really was quite an exploit!

Yes, Tubby made quite a fine matress
Ringling Brothers asked for his address
he made his career
plopped on his derriere
It seems he had started a fad.. YES! 

Soon crowds lined the seats of the rink
wondering if Tubby would stink
he finished the task
in spite of some gas 
Now Tubby is dressing in mink.



Details | Limerick | |

Female newscaster

Female Newscaster
Written by: Catherine Reinke


Pretty faces
Boob jobs too
silicone lips
and higher shoes.
Porno stars,
contrived
cue cards.
Network news 
has gone to fair!

Lying teeth.
Blinding white.
What today 
is our plight?

Cleavage low.
Ratings soar.
Cannot let
 audience boar.

Murder and terror .
On she reads,
security level
red, orange, yellow.

Day by day
freedoms stolen.
Freedoms lost.
Freedom now
long forgot.

Centerfold women

On CNN, 
foxy news and MSN.

Walter contrite
he’s not more.
replaced femme fatal
through news doors.

Buxom beauties.
Youthful cuties.
News once read
by somber heads
now is told
by sexy dames in red.
Seems my husband
to his bed
take those newscasters 
he has said
to his bed?
Yes, he said
tight hot bodies
dressed in red.

Give me news 
and give it often.
Put Ted Kopple
in his coffin.

Easy chair
a couple of beers
 all my news
I want to hear
from pretty faces
boob jobs too 
silicone lips
 and higher shoes.


Details | Limerick | |

My Lawyer the Idiot

Be warned, the law is an ass and I was a victim,

And so was my lawyer - his head up his rictum!

  I said "you're fired, I've had enough...

      You're full of piss and wind and huff

Who wouldn't know his coccyx from his dictum!"






Details | Limerick | |

Another Lottery Dope


I just knew it would be my lucky day
The lottery I decided to play
But I had no luck
Not even a buck
Now we're eating beans until my next pay


Details | Limerick | |

The She-Demon

Our boss locked her office door every day

The She-Demon locked it so she could play

     Her boyfriend hid in there too

     The only sound heard was "oooh"

Making love to her own boss - she earned pay



Written for the Horrible Bosses (and others) contest


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Soup Beauty

Ooo a blog to do my duty
To vote for the Poetry Soup Beauty ~~~
     I must not sit on the fence
     Or deep splinters I sense
I'll watch the winners shaking their booty ~~~








http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-4.php


Details | Limerick | |

The Dork From New York

The Dork From New York

There was an old man from New York
Who liked to put pork on his fork
No veggies he ate
Just meat on his plate
The Vegans just called him a dork

June 30th, 2013.


Details | Limerick | |

Toothache

When your tooth aches, life just is no good.
There's some aches that can't be withstood.
Stubbed toes I can handle
They don't hold a candle
To the pain that doth test my manhood.

The unmistakable look on my face
Like I swallowed the whole can of mace
And I can't be for certain
Exactly which tooth is hurtin'
Please pull them ALL out, just in case.

Dental hygiene is good and deserves
All the praise for the teeth it preserves.
But when it starts to slip,
Pass the Polident Dentu-Grip.
The great thing about dentures...no nerves!


Details | Limerick | |

A Man Named Dan

I once knew a man named Dan
Who got a tan in a frying pan
He turned the heat down low
Rolled around to and fro
Now tan is the man named Dan


Details | Limerick | |

I Knew A Man

I knew a man from Kent, so did I Hiding a bomb in his pants he did try One day while in Dover He tripped and fell over And was last seen kissing his own ass goodbye


Details | Limerick | |

Balder Than An Alder

Clyde was shocked when he looked in the mirror

   His plight he noted clearer and clearer

      He was growing balder

         Like a leafless alder

            He would have no more need for a shearer

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

My bum fluff

I remember in my early teens, being teased about my facial hair was really mean, people would tease and they would poke, always trying to make jokes, but it wasn't just bum fluff to me.
Contest: FLUFF - Carol Brown M.Mahauariki © 2012 1st place


Details | Limerick | |

Terminator IV--The Wrath of Shriver

A husband's mistake in the sack
His marriage might seem to attack
Maria got hurt
By one little squirt
And Arnold can't say "I'll be back"


Details | Limerick | |

Just Wait Until I Get Home

<                        once popped cork on bottle of red wine
                          hit brother in eye oh how it did shine
                          seen him go pick up bat
                          boy did I ever scat
                          right to canadian's boarder line

                          feeling like her dansel in-distress
                          along came three county mounties best
                          asked if nipping bottle
                          at fast paces throttle
                          answered yes now did I pass your test


                           tossed in pokie for now twenty days
                           poor ole missy now won't and get laid
                           darn brother wins again
                           wearing smitten hugh grin
                           wait until that welt begins to fade  




Written 6/20/11

Entry For Francine Robert's
Bottle Of Wine
Limericks Only Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick

Wanted to pen a Limerick
Needed a comedian sidekick
Nothing funny to wit
A pun to make sides split
Some ole' fashion humor dipstick  


Inspiration: Black Eyed Susan' contest not an entry


Details | Limerick | |

Jock in the Sock

There once was a dim witted tight end
For his rump he would make no amends
But into his jock
Well, he stuffed a sock
Why he’d do that I can’t comprehend?


Details | Limerick | |

My Gold Ford Maverick

My first car was a Maverick ... like me !

   With a fresh paint job, beautiful to see.

        I passed my driver's test,

            So full of youthful zest,

                 Then backed into a pole I didn't see.



                         ~~~~~            ~~~~~
see "about this poem" for photo

* true story: one hour after passing my driver's test I jumped into
the car and bumped into a pole backing out of my parking space, marring 
the brand new paint job.

for Carol Brown's "My First Car" contest
Francine Roberts 06/03/2012


Details | Limerick | |

Elation to Deflation

As I worked out at the gym one night
My eyes were captured in sight
By a beauty so young
With a curvy pert bum
She winked, was that the green light

Over the weeks we chatted and dated
My breasts she says, are so underrated
I said what can I do
To enhance them for you
And make you feel so elated

Oh honey, would you do that for me
When I undress you'll like what you see
They'll be so inflated
And I'll be glad that I dated
From flat chested I'll be so busty

So of to the plastic surgeon she went
Saying my money has been really well spent
I'll call you later my dear
At the gym don't you fear
In your mind you'll be full of torment

I waited and the call never came
Middle aged I'm just not in the game
I've been so well done
By a curvy pert bum
My bank balance will never be the same





For the Genius or Criminal? contest :)


Details | Limerick | |

A Librarian Named Dowd

I knew a librarian named Dowd
Whom I recall was well endowed
Though when I flirted
She called me perverted
And said that I winked too loud


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

In this short month of February cupid is always in a hurry, and he misses target increasing divorce rate so in this month just do not marry. ©kashinath karmakar =============000============ Placement: 2nd;(Feb. 2012) Contest:February Funny Bone Sponsor: Linda-Marie the Sweetheart


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Just Desserts

My boss was a sneak and a cheat.
His wife was much nicer and sweet.
She caught him with Susie,
A flaunting it floozie
And threw him right out in the street.
.

For Carolyn's contestWon no. 4


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My New Year Resolution

The New Year is round the corner again
I have started to wrack my brain
A resolution to keep
For which I would not weep
And would be proud and bring out champagne

I decided to quit chocolate
And so will take the help of my mate
Not to gorge myself on any treat
Maybe couple of times cheat
For to keep a resolution I do hate


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My Glorious Toes, A New Year's Pledge

You see, I had this pledge for the New Year
to cut out soda, pasta and beer
so I taped my mouth shut
and away went my gut
now I can see my toes quite clear !!!!!





____________
   CONTEST


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Rick's Big Stick

There was a young man named Rick
Who carried around a stick
The feeling was he
A batter could be
But strikeout he would so quick

Aug 17th, 2013
For Black Eyed Susan's Limerick Contest


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Jonah Falcon He's Not

At the computer sits Dickie McDuff
Searching a password that isn't too tough
    With a cocky demeanor
    He types in 'mywiener'
And the computer says "Not long enough!


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Double Duty Shredded Wheat

,



These rectangles of wheat, that looks rather dashing You smother with milk, then fun comes with smashing! They give morning a boost ! Or can make a good roof…. In case of storm, when the house takes a thrashing! I can stack them in rows on the roof, with my spouse We will snack as we go, (a few tucked in my blouse) Our breakfast a treat ! The morning complete ! The tummy is filled, plus a new roof on the house!!!


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Action

You took my money and our child
after divorce papers you filed,
I never did tell you
my life is not all blue...
I'm the film crew for Girls Gone Wild!!!


For "A valentine Limerick~ to your x-lover"  contest sponsored by Sidney ~ LeeAnn.


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His Heart She Did Twirl

I'll call her a different name
This girl whom I thought was my dame
On holiday she went
With my money well spent
To Malta she went on a plane

Whilst there she met a waiter called Frank
In bed playing sexual pranks
This Susanna my girl
His heart she did twirl
We're engaged, and this is her thanks

I looked forward to the day she came home
With this waiter her hands on he roamed
Hey! Susanna your dumped
I hope you end up real plump
Your a dog, I should throw you a bone

Wow! a man with the final say
Our relationship ends today
I wish you the best
With your holiday zest
It's my turn to go out and play


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Quit Wasting My Time { Edit }

<                               One by one they'll shall roll on and come
                                 Like soldiers marching to beaten drums
                                 Echoes  are acknowledge
                                 Cast across thy arched bridge
                                 Haste makes waste even for everyone




Inspired By
Carolyn Devonshire's Contest
Follower Or Leader
GL All


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Meeses in Pieces!

Ole Blackie the cat lapped his chin
his Ma had put milk out ag'in 
he'd brought her a mouse
and left it right out!
she saw it and screamed, then ran in!


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Pugnacious Pete

Pugnacious Pete was his Pseudonym

   Pete Plied Pugilism in the gym

      Though Pete Prayed to Phix his Plight

         Poor Pete seldom won a Phight

            Pete's Phighting career was looking grim!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Granddaddy Brotherhood

There was once a granddaddy spider who

   I was a-fixin' to stomp with my shoe

      It made me think twice

         That wouldn't be nice

            He's a granddaddy and I are one too

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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My New Truck

My New Truck
6/30/13

Finally got a brand new truck.
How did I have such awesome luck?
I wish it would run,
I’d have much fun,
It’s sadly, in the driveway, stuck.


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Craig's Fairway-Holy-Mole eee

There are rumors of gophers dismayed        O

where they tunnel Craig's fairway, afraid!                     O
                                                                        O
Craig's balls cascade down
                                                                                O
Invading their towns                             O

So they toss them back up like grenades!!         O


                                                              O                            O
                                                                           O
                                                                         
                                                                        O

____________________________________________________________________


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TETANUS SHOT


Did you hear the 80 year old fool
Thought that taking viagra was cool,
His wife in a flutter
Got shot from her Doctor,
'Cause he's using a rusty old tool..


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Game Face

I know a game - I play it well
if you don't play, then go to h#$*;
it's not for adults they say,
it's catchy - I play all day;
rock ~ paper ~ scissors.....House for sell!


For "rock ~ paper~ scissors" contest sponsored by Destoyer Poet.


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A wee poem

There was an old man named Bennie
desperate to spend a penny
Found the toilet was locked
weed in an empty jam pot 
The relief is known by so many




Penned 16/06/2014


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A Naked Dream

I always wanted to play chess
But not in a state of undress
My doctor was there
He tried not to stare
Then told me my body's a mess...


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A Pirate

A Pirate

There once was a pirate called Mangon
Who raped the High Seas with a fangen*
But one night at Port
They captured the sport
Now crows rape his bones where he's hangin'!

~deborah burch
4/1/2012

For ~PD's "Posted this month: April Poem" contest

*note: fangen (fanging)---"moving at outrageous speeds;
desire something greatly; to need badly")
also: "to seize; grab"


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MOTHER GOOSE'S THE PIPER'S SON


I read a rhyme and I was so vexed
I feel that Old Mother Goose was hexed,
Didn't condemn this thief
And this brought me grief,
But he got beat up by Old Man Tex.


Tom the Piper's son stole pig and ran
This little boy acts like a big man,
Protective services
Moves him from premises,
Now the Piper smokes all that he can.


He sent his son Tom to go and steal
I wouldn't mind if 'twas for a meal,
But we all knew that it
Was to support his habit,
I think he should be locked up for real.


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Go Away Jack Frost

Go away Jack Frost, take your chill and leave.
I’m tired of wiping my runny nose on my layered sleeve.
Damn the ice and damn the snow!
Unless its pretty, with a purple glow.
Go back up North, where you belong, take your chill and leave!


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Fair Game

There is this guy of 'Poetry Soup' Fame
Ran a contest with 'I just can't win' Name
Because he will not count past three
Ninety seven losers there will be
Guess i will just have to be 'Fair Game'!


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Ringtone Guffaw

I updated my new cellular phone
With "Bat Out of Hell" as its new ringtone
When it went off at mass
I let out a huge gasp
Then I pummeled my new phone with a stone


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Girl in my Class

There once was a girl in my class.
One day I tried to make a pass.
My cheek still sting,
My ears still ring,
Yet married to me; Alas!


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Dinner

Yeah! Dinner at my home is set at nine
Please don't come, mum would freak, and dad would whine
Chicken and chips
My lil bro weeps
And mum says 'dude get him a glass of wine'


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Man lived by a river

There was a man who lived by a river
Wasn’t a taker but a giver
Gave away his only vest
Cos his friend was cold and perplexed.
Now all he can do is shiver


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Quadruple Limerick-THE AUSTRALIAN DINGO

I raised an Australian dingo,
no name came to mind but Ringo;
he jumped on me,
ripped my clothes daily...
it costed me plenty of money!

Only once I left him alone;
good grief... my furniture was torn!
Oh, should I be mad...
or be kind instead?
I'll sleep over it for tonight!

All Ringo did was run, bark and howl,
mistaking a small cat for an owl;
They took him away
to the zoo today;
he'll whimper form his cage, not rest!

I'll take him back, lest he behaves;
his lesson he'll learn:  good manners!
Now, Ringo just stares
to earn forgiveness...
it's fun to play with him and laugh!


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Kisses For Cards

There once was a girl named Chantelle
Who all the boys knew very well
On Valentine's Day
She'd give them away
Those silly cards all the stores sell

Sometimes they would chase her and kiss
And she made sure they didn't miss
Chantelle was boy-crazy
But she wasn't lazy
She'd jump in their laps,I know this!

Now she's grown up it's plain to see
Her kisses are no longer free
For dinner and dancing
She might send you prancing
I know because that Chantelle's me!







** for "Valentine's Day" contest
sponsored by Francine Roberts




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Red Mazda 323

It was a red Mazda 323,

with 4 on the floor, not 3 on the tree.

It was my first time to go,

and I wrecked it in the snow,

So, the ex-wife made fun of me.



For the "first car" contest


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"Give Slam a Ham"

I know little of poet, Sam Slam,
But give him a slice of poet I am.
Of the prime directive,
I am over protective,
So slam your gums down, here comes your ham.

For Anti-Slam Limericks
In Honor of: Carolyn Devonshire
Placed #3


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Will Power


This morning my weekly weigh-in was due
I screamed, surely it just couldn't be true
I tried not to cheat
But oh.. something sweet
Out the window my damned will power flew


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Nicola

There once was girl named Nicola
she had dreams about Diet Cola
the cola was big
and nasty as a pig
as it chased her around the granola.


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Plastic Surgery

When my body begins to burgeon, 
I go to see my plastic surgeon. 
His magic tucks and nips 
will make me smaller hips;
but he just smiles and says, “Stop splurgin'.”  


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Capital Hill Bills

Hey! you dudes on Capital Hill Do you pay for your own bills Or is it us poor guys Who pay for your buys With taxes taken at will


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