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Husband Humorous Poems | Husband Poems About Humorous

These Husband Humorous poems are examples of Husband poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Husband Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


Details | Rhyme | |

Her Sense of Humor

A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.

Hell.  It was just a joke.

One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”

“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.  
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”

Hell. It was just a joke.


The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder.  That’s Miracle Gro.”

Hell.  It was just a joke....I guess.

So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.



Details | Light Poetry | |

Programmers Paradise

Hubby was talking about the job he was at: when he suddenly…
Got into the ‘Computer Programmers Mode’. Where absolutely…
Everything became ‘DITS & DOTS, and DARS & FARS’…
No more caffeine for Hubby any time this week, at home!

This lingo of his, only belongs at work, where he IS an Uber Geek.
But here at home… you gotta know… he’s only talking to me!
It must be like the dreams he has, with reams and reams of code.
And tables of papers are stacked to the ceiling, or maybe to his nose.

It’s an APP-APP here, and an APP-APP there, to tie the Data to his code.
Make it go faster! Make it go smarter! In his own little world, you know.
His eyes have glazed, as his fingers flash over his fancy keyboard at home.
If only me, his little old wifey- poo, could get such attention as this, to know.

At least, he keeps my computers running, like crazy, and way up to snuff!
Now if only he’d give me the time of day… to get my own work done.
With a type-type here, and a type-type there: I definitely blow his mind.
He’d fix my typing, if only he could, with a new app, well designed.

The ‘Trouble with Tribbles’ is nothing, as when confronting an Uber Geek.
Microsoft falls into a hush, as they whisper out his name and fame complete.
For Halloween, he hooks up electronics, with apps to animated programming…
Never Fear! Hubby’s here! Next, the Turkey will be clucking binary coding.

He made Santa a GPS, which goes to mars and beyond: It’s simply otherworldly.
But now he’s talking in binary code… I hope Hubby’ll land home, soon, surely.
For with DITs & DOTS, and DARS & FARS it’s getting way past midnight.
I know he’ll be back to earth soon, tho, for it’s time to say goodnight!
 


Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.


Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14


Details | Romanticism | |

The Intensifying love story

The Intensifying love story by 
Madhavi.S.Pagare
 
I simply adore you, my Mesmerizing 
Persona.
As you are my first love.
Who lighted my heart with full of pride and 
joy.
Who ignited the ecstasy towards lovely life.
Who relieved my pains and took sorrows 
as boon.
You made me fall sick in your love when I 
see your madness.
I like the way,
The way you gazed at me and my smoky 
eyes.
The way you smiled at my mystifying and 
enigmatic appeal.
The way you every time praises me.
The way you galvanized me and proved 
the meaning of life.
You are the one,
Yes, you are the one who aroused my 
feelings, my emotions.
Yes, you are the one who explored my 
passion of love, flaming in my charismatic 
soul.
Yes, you are the lovely treasure which god 
had baptized me.
Yes, you are the one who turned the page 
of my life.
Eureka, I found my true love!!!!
Bewilderedly I did not know, where is my 
love taking me to ??
But still I like the way,
Like, the way you clutched me into your 
arms.
Like, the way you kissed my palms.
Like, the way you hugged me, caressed 
me.
Like, the way you rubbed your fingers on 
my lips.
Like, the way you tickled me on my neck.
Like, the way you squeezed my cheeks.
Like, the way you holded me up towards 
the sky.
Like, the way when you inspired me to fly 
so high.
Tears dropped from my eyes and the very 
next moment I realized that it is my 
sensational love. My true love. Then I 
decided that no one had right to do this 
except you. If you want to know the 
reason?? If yes??
Yes, because I seriously fell in love with 
you.
Yes, because you are the one to whom god 
had assigned me to.
And here comes the Swifted instance 
when??
When, the moment you wore the golden 
ring in my finger and I was happily waving 
around.
Just can’t forget the time when our long 
lasting friendship turned into lifetime 
relationship.
It was just the blooming of two lover’s 
indicating the herald of the marriage. It 
means a lot for any girl in this amazing 
world.
And yes, you will always find my heart 
topped with love showered only for you. 
For you!!
And till my last breathe, my heart beats, 
beating for you, only for you SUYOG!!
In fervour I wanted you to be mine forever, 
forever.
We both sojourned in each other soul so 
deeply that we just can’t wait for a single 
second, unless and until, we share what is 
running in our mind. It’s just because we 
are so much accustomed to each other 
now. 
I Love you, adore you, adore you forever 
my Love.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"


Details | Alliteration | |

hubby having hysterics alliteration contest

Parents pushing perambulators
Meeting many mothers
Coffee , cake and chat
Babies bottles to boobs
Hurry home to hubby
Hubby holding hooter
Nappy, not nice.
Baby blowing bubbles
Shower sex sleep
Luxury, lazy lie-in
Hubby having hysterics.
Siana sick over Sean
Cosy cwtch cancelled


Details | Verse | |

The Fishermen's Lament

Angrily, rain enfolds the insular rise of lawn undulating. 
Anglers dream, envious fishermen, inside looking out urging 

apostles, who elope within imaginary onslaughts, hooked unburdening's.
Aloft, thunder encounters lightening's insistent taunt, oracles fearsome uttering's.

And still, each fisherman's innermost summoning orchestrates this untoward
atmospheric downfall, each drop induced, prayerful, outpouring is underscored.

Admittedly many envious housebound inmates seek oceans, lakes, unexplored
although, the earthly torrent interferes pitiless, onerous, rainfall unleashed. 

Absent the energizing rays introduced by ordinary sun, undone 
are these enigmatic men in rooms, oar less, ship-less, landlubbers unconsoled.

Another day encases them indoors mooning over fish uncontrolled.
A trophy earned, stuffed, indisputably shows offerings untold.

Ah, fishtails energetically rise incensed by objections never unabridged 
absent their earnest wives, imagination rolls on winds un-curtailed. 


Details | Ballad | |

The Winged Man and His Wife

Once in a land full of life
At least that's what I was told so
There lived a happy man and his wife
Who smiled and watched the birds go

One day as they were watching the birds
The old man had flipped his hat
For he had said only a few words
And it was that he could fly like that

The wife then began to frown
For the man had simply gone mad
So she got ready to leave the town
Which made the cheery guy sad

He swore to her that he would fly
So the wife had grabbed her things
She opened the door and said bye
And when she left, the man sprouted wings

A few years had come and gone
The wife grew old and watched time pass
One day when sitting, she heard a song
That sounded from her fifth floor window glass

'my love,' it said, 'I now have wings.
my love,' it went on, 'I wish you would see me fly.
my dear, come look at me, drop your things.
I wait by your window, perched in the sky.'

The wife got up and looked out the pane
She froze at the sight she had saw
Her husband flying, or was she insane?
He smiled at her dropped jaw.

'My love, come with me. Fly in the sky.'
'I can't,' she shook her head
'oh come on. climb out. I promise you won't die.'
So she climbed out, and was never seen again.

(this is fictional)


Details | Lyric | |

The Freaks Come Out At Night

Written December 29, 2013


You don't see me
You see her silhouetted by the vapor
My hands all over
She's an introverted now and later

You can build a wall
Before you fall
But I'd give up
When the wall will fall
I'll be waiting here
Plein de plaisir

In your snatch fits pleasure
Broom-shaped pleasure, even better
Like politicians
Spilling oil on the wonderland

The sun will fall
The moon will rise, the freaks come out at night
Native tongues and foreign lands
Leave me handcuffed to the night stand

You can build a wall
Before you fall
But I'd give up
When the wall will fall
I'll be waiting here
Plein de plaisir


Details | Limerick | |

How Many Ties- A Poetry Mix

A Rhyme about Ties

How many ties does a man need
In fashion to be up to speed?
I really haven’t got a clue
Would you say about sixty two?

Tie Limerick

His ties number sixty two
Now here’s what I’m going to do
I’ll snip off each end
Drive him round the bend
I’d do that, now how ‘bout you?

Each tie rack I have arranged
I tell you I’m quiet deranged
But this I must say
I’ll use them for play
Or else I will be estranged

He cuts a figure so fine
This crazy husband of mine
So I’ll just shut up
Drink this bitter cup
For in a suit he’s sublime

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Couplet | |

A punchbag

Against a wife, a punchbag's just a dream!
While being punched it almost does not scream.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


Details | Haiku | |

Quandary - A Husband's Haiku

The dishes are done,
Kids are asleep and dreaming.
Want to watch T.V.?

Privacy at last.
The kids will not disturb us.
Want to hug and smooch?

The dishes are done.
No one will disturb us, but
She's got a headache.

Whatever I did,
It must have been bad, because
She keeps saying, "No."


Details | Rhyme | |

Crime of UN-passion

I claim no responsibility for my acts,
your honor lets look at the facts.
it was a crime of UN-passion,
in a glorious poetic fashion.

He was annoying when he'd snore,
so loud at night it made my ears sore.
and oh yeah when he ate,
His clicking jaw would grate.

chewing with his mouth open wide,
losing my appetite seeing his chewed food inside.
when he was done, belching so loud,
rating it a ten cause he was so damned proud.

I'd stare, waiting for his "excuse me" in a polite way,
He'd quote better out than in, I always say.
Gee let's not forget the loads and loads of nasty gas,
the quiet and deadly ones where the stench would last and last.

thinking it funny to pull the covers over my head,
that alone would be attempted murder trying to stink me dead
Scratching and digging examining his balls,
me just shivering thinking, it just might be a bug that crawls

But no, for some reason he thought it was an acceptable way,
to play pocket-pool in spite of what I  might think or say.
so yes I plead temporary insanity, I know that excuse is over used,
but I was feeling a little more then put upon and abused.

I am not done your honor I could go on and on,
I could write a book regarding this nasty spawn.
The sex gee if you could call it that,
lasting all of two seconds him contented, I got my ass pat. 

and of course scratching and digging his balls,
he got more enjoyment from that, it drove me up walls.
throwing his dirty socks at my face,
complaining that I never clean up this place.

missing the toilet never put up the toilet seat,
sitting on the wet made my life so complete.
and yeah gee I forgot to mention,
the television got more then its share of attention.

He had to have the remote at all times,
According to him chick flicks weren't worth two dimes.
Night after night he'd watch his sports,
cursing and savoring his disdaining snorts.

oh and a cold beer sat in his other hand,
so smugly superior thinking I'm to jump at his command.
calling, woman! where's my supper, I want it now,
then eating complaining as he scarfed like a sow.

"The food wasn't hot enough, we're having that again?"
I would close my eyes and count to ten.
so I slipped some arsenic in his food one night,
the beer he drank killed the licorice bite.

no your honor, I take no responsibility for me actions,
he had to pay for his major infractions.
this was a mercy killing I have to say,
it was for my sanity that I had to send him away.

divorce wouldn't do, I thought of some poor other sod,
getting stuck with this Neanderthal bi-pod.
so I throw myself on the mercy of the court,
and ask for your pardon and a little support.

An injustice has been committed I must confess.
May he give the devil no rest.
Thank you your honor for vendicating me,
I sincerely appreciate your verdict of not guilty.


Details | Rhyme | |

KISS GOODBYE

I’ll leave you a kiss when I leave
But I’m off with my lover to Paris
The thought of you makes me heave
I know all about you and fat Alice

You said you were working late
But that’s just been a pack of lies
You were discovered in bed on that date
With that moo with the wobbly thighs

Guess that two can play at that game
I think its time to call it a day
We can both hang our heads in shame
As I’ve gone off with her hubby Ray

Jan Allison
4th September 2014
Contest: The Poet II
Sponsored by Gautami Phookan


Details | Rhyme | |

I'll Go First

Every week on Friday
McGee worked late at night
But this time would be different
The work load seem real light

So he left a little early
Punched his card and tipped his hat
Then headed to O'Malley's
For a stiff one and some chat

But a feeling seem to come to him
Perhaps He'd just go home
And surprise his little wife
That's waiting there alone

So he walks down the empty streets
"Till he made it to his door
Takes his shoes off as he enters
As to tip-toe cross the floor

That's when he hears some noise
Cracks the bedroom door to see
His Buddy Finn and his wife
Are making merrily 

Oh, McGee he got so flustered 
But didn't stop their fun
And slowly crept away
To the next room for his gun

He was locked and Loaded
When he kicked right through the door
With the gun at his head, He said,
"I can't take this anymore"

But his wife left the bed
And knelt down on her knees
And begged him not to kill himself
and "Put the gun down,Please"

McGee then looked upon his wife
His expression was quite vexed
Then he told her to "SHUT UP"
Cause she was surly NEXT !


Details | Free verse | |

Her First Try

She is a fine cook 
It didn't come by chance
She was trained by her family
She practiced day and night

She had to learn to cook
For many in her life
Her husband was particular
And she was a dutiful wife

She told us all a story 
Early in martial bliss
She made a beautiful cake
Spent hours creating it

She waited in anticipation
To feed her only man
A chocolate spearmint cake
She thought would be grand

Her husband was so excited 
To dare take a bite
She looked at him with hope
That it was a delight

Instead his look was sour
His eyes closed tight
He said this cake tastes lousy
Not another bite



Details | Rhyme | |

Your Not So Funny Face

Dimples worn upon your cheeks
those early days when we would meet...
Slowly morphed, and were then replaced by
parenthesis, that would surround your face
your mouth, your forehead, and you were bound
with worried frowns

They were not there
when first we met
It is my bet, and I would gage
the consequence that comes with age.........or........
perhaps in fault, I'll estimate, 
the end result of many years of marriage? !!!

A crease in your brow
as deep as a ocean
from worries grown
and worries known
since knowing me!

 I have a notion
your forehead betrays
unhinged emotions
with lines you display
from every commotion!

The wrinkles you bear...,
the tinge of gray hair...,
I may have put there!

In spite of my care
in spite of my flair
my honest intentions, while paying attention
were part of my charm and devotion !!


Details | Rhyme | |

Sudden Death

Mary O'Sullivan
Right after Mass
Stepped out of the church
And as she walked passed
Father McGee, couldn't help see
That Mary was shedding a tear

Approaching Mary
With the kindest of hearts
He wasn't quiet sure, 
Where, he should start
The silents was broke, when McGee finally spoke
"What, is the problem, My Dear"

"Father forgive me
But late last night
My husband died sudden,
Right there in my sight"
McGee stood in shock, and barely could talk
Until he could work past the fear

"I know it's hard
But please do your best
Where there any last words 
Or final request" 
"Yes, 'PUT DOWN THAT GUN', while starting to run
But I'm not sure I heard him that clear"



Details | Rhyme | |

Purple ice

Daydreaming yesteryear, purple ice
i held close to the bosom
feel and see through her eyes
to keep her ever, a ransom

so huge and priceless
her heart call for _ love
needed to keep the purple ice limitless
free above the blues, pride of a dove

if you’d come back to the nest
purple ice, I’d make it gloom
and the world could see the rest
on the peak of  my heart _ is your room.


Details | Free verse | |

An old familiar

An old familiar,
all too clear;
as you roll on your back
and new tempo appears.

Repeated chug 
of train runs through;
no nightmare is this
for it’s all from you.

Constant your whistle,
your engine is stoked;
as I try to disturb you
you snort, gag and choke.

Rolled over you're peaceful,
all is quite in our home;
the train in the distance,
'Till on rear you do roam.

I love you dear dearly
as I lay by your side,
and I’m drifting to sleep now
with sun, sand and tide.