Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Wife Poems | Funny Poems About Wife

These Funny Wife poems are examples of Funny poems about Wife. These are the best examples of Funny Wife poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Rhyme | |

Dumb Questions

I was changing a tire and the neighbor walked by
Stood and looked a while, then he said Hi
Got a flat? he asked and this made me grin
I said no, just changing the old air and putting new stuff in.

Was coughing and sneezing. My throat was on fire
Got a bad cold? My wife did inquire
No, it's not really bad. It is a good one
I love watery eyes and watching my nose run.

I was on a bus and on my newspaper I sat
The guy next to me asked "Are you reading that"
I said yes. Reading through your butt is all the new rage.
Then I stood up and turned the page.

Dentist hit a nerve and I came up out of the chair
Did that hurt? He asked as though he really did care.
I said no, there was a spiritual woman I used to date
And she was teaching me how to levitate.

I hit a pothole with my car one night
It made such a loud noise it gave my wife a fright
Didn't you see it she began to cry
Of course I did. I hit it. Didn't I.

Once I tripped on one of my little guy's toys
Fell down the stairs and my wife heard the noise
Did you miss a step? She screamed from the hall
I said "No Dear, I think I hit them all."


Details | Narrative | |

Granny Panty Annie, the Tranny

Lemme tell ya' about a
*ding-bat skit-zo 
bee-hotch* tranny
named Annie...

I met her one night 
under disco lights 
up at Candies

She was 
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see 
if I wanted a piece
of he 
OR
of she 
by way of flashin' granny panties

She was
shootin' pool
actin' a fool
so I 
took a shot
and one tiny glance 
but got caught

So I
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool

She slurred,
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"

I replied, 
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"

"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl" 
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"

Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to 
"Get this he/she outta the place!"

My pleas were to no avail, 
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail

Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
then she... 
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked, 
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"

I screamed,
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
but...
ya' see...
ya' need 
to hit the bricks,
you
and yir' Granny Panties!"

At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there 
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me

I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!

It's a night I thought would never end... 
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill 
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!




Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Narrative | |

EVE will remain with ADAM -Chris D A

A DINNER INVESTMENT (for Eve)

My husband Chris Adams always wines and dines me.
In the most expensive places one can eat.

Arriving in LIMO style.
Waiting upon the waiters greet.
Viewing the menu I reply, "Hun I am ready to order."
1 T-bone steak, fully cook the meat.

At our table, walked a gorgeous snake eyed women.
Who leaned over my husband's seat
Approaching my Chris with a big wet kiss.
I stomp my husband on his feet.
Giving him the look when I get pissed.
She slithers with her tongue into my Adams ear and whispers 
 "Later, go to that hotel where we always meet"
With one stare I yell, "Chris how could you cheat!"
"I had enough, I want a divorce MR.ADAMS!"
Slapping him in the moment of heat.
He replies, "She is my mistress Bath-Sheba my dear EVE!"
"I do not love her my sweet."
"I understand if you want a divorce!" Mr. Adams replied.
"Remember, no more furs, luxury suite, Winters in Barbados,
 Summers in Tuscany."
"Infinity or Lexus, and first class plane seats."
"Forget about the Yacht Club."
"Party by the swimming pool of one hundred feet."
"It is up to you my Kitty Skat Eve to give it all up."
"You decide if these diamonds you want to keep."

Without thinking of taking a leap.
I see Mr. Adams business partner Cain with a Jezebel in his arms.
I ask my husband Chris in a small peep. 
"Do not tell me that Cain commits Adultery to?"
"Cain's blond looks really cheap, as if she works the street."
"Well, our mistress is prettier, and looks real sweet."
"Honey our mistress Bath-Sheba is worth the keep."
"Mr. Adams tonight you can call me Steve and not Eve,
 What ever it takes to satisfy your needs, and my gold lust!"
**************************************

(The moral of the story is what some Eve's  will do to keep their investment,
 I mean Adam's.) A joke and dedication to the most blunt Poet
 Of the soup, Chris D. Aechtner 
For THE Eve in Eden* (Contest) *


Details | Free verse | |

A homeless bride-w

I shall daily visit the beauty parlor
And make myself beautiful for you.
I shall never clean the house
So that my skin is not tarred.
I shall ever watch my figure,
Eating calorie less foods and drinks.

I shall stay home all day
And will never be stay at home mom
But will go for Disco at night.
I shall not take drugs
But a drink or two in limits.
I shall awake late in the morning
So that you are not disturbed.

I shall adorn the house to earn
Adjectives from the neighbours.
I shall buy the furniture to invent
Nouns to be told to the visitors.
Our house will be all pronouns
But will never admit verbs as
They shake the very foundation.

*** I wrote this poem much earlier noticing a young married woman of a modest family adopting the modern living going astray from the household chores *** Based on a real
person.

The poem was posted on 1/16/2007

========================
Dr. Ram Mehta

Tenth place win in:
Contest: Any Twisted Poem sponsored by Destroyer A Poet


Details | Free verse | |

Paradise In A Dream

Paradise In A Dream

There is so much weighing me down
The daily toils of doing what others want
Screaming kids fighting all day long
Another four hours of Dora The Explorer
Trying to cook dinner with nothing in the cupboards
Every member of the family wanting something different
Hot dogs for the youngest
Mac and cheese for the little girl who won’t eat anything
Cheese steak sandwiches for the adults
There is a fashion show on the TV for my wife
The basketball playoffs can wait for another day
I haven’t seen a Celtics game in more than ten years
A fuse blows in the middle on the evening
Those basement stairs were not meant for a man my size
Finally the time has come for a peaceful sleep
Until my daughter finds a monster under her bad
Screaming and crying while I scare the monster away
I close my eyes as the moon rises
The witching hour when the dead rises
My dreams take me away to a paradise
The tropical sun tans my half naked body
Naked women chase each other on empty beaches
No kids, no wife and no fashion shows
Too bad morning and another day has to come
Too bad that I love my wife and kids
Otherwise I just might stay asleep


Details | Quatrain | |

Beyond Salvage

An old herbal gard’ner turned bard
dedicated and well-versed
now works his pen from his backyard
in plants and poems immersed.

His choice nouns engender meaning
cleverly minted with scents.
Rare verbs gingerly gleaning
from time’s savory essence.

Somewhat focused on composing
but nettled by a drizzle;
unexpected down-hosing
causes his brain to fizzle.

Lo! His inspiration now gone
like the ink upon his page.
Mrs. Bard calls from the lawn
“I just watered the sage.”


Details | Light Poetry | |

So What, A Couple's Quarrel.

"Where did you put it?,"I don't know,it must be over there"
"It isn't I just told you!,"Well I don't really care!"
"You said you put it up somewhere,now where the hell is it?"
"Ive looked,and searched every bloody where,and i still cannot find it".
"So what,what else is new,you always say the same",
"As if ,that on this planet earth,there is no-one else to blame".
"Well I really need it,you know I do,I'd appreciate the help".
"Now,that's better,talk to me nice,and watch out for your bloody self".
"Here it is,I told you it was,why don't you listen to me?"...
"Sometimes,you really amaze me,it's as if you could'nt see".
"Well I'm sorry,I really am,but I'm kind of in a rush";
"Shh,don't say anything,please don't speak,I wish you would just hush."
"Well,Im off then,I'll see you later,I'll be home in time for tea".
"So what",I say,whatever you reckon,Thank God,now there's only just me.


Details | Rhyme | |

My wife is an alien

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is an alien and this morning she laid an egg.
She may be green but she has a great pair of legs.
She has two large antennas that are on her head.
She's smarter than Einstein but she's lousy in bed.
The egg will hatch next month and when it does, we'll have a little tyke.
It will be half human and half alien, I'm scared of what it will look like.
My wife is ugly and people usually scream after they've seen her.
We just got in a big fight over finances and she bit off my wiener.
We were deeply in love but now she's my foe.
If an alien proposes to you, you'd better say no.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


Details | Rhyme | |

Her Sense of Humor

A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.

Hell.  It was just a joke.

One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”

“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.  
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”

Hell. It was just a joke.


The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder.  That’s Miracle Gro.”

Hell.  It was just a joke....I guess.

So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.



Details | Rhyme | |

My Valentine

I knew I was in danger 
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama 
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city 
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because 
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on 
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house 
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.


Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.


Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14


Details | Limerick | |

HEAVEN

There once was a husband in heaven
His faults per hour averaged seven
In spite of all of his rot
His wife would scold not
Ah, this husband was living in heaven!

2-14-14

Form: Limerick 
Contest: Husbands are in Heaven whose wives scold not (Top Ten Winner)
Sponsored by: Dr.Ram Mehta


Details | Rondeau Redouble | |

Goodbye Johnny Walker

Goodbye Johnny Walker
Joanna Davis


I swear I’m in a nightmare
I know it’s some bad dream
this craving for the deadly juice
is nothing new it seems
Our life is one long quarrel, 
a battle no one can win
Am I paying a kind of penance,
for some past life of sin?
I won’t put up with this forever
the smell or wavering gait,
If I stay with you much longer,
I’ll surely be tempting my fate
A soul that’s soaked with liquor,
with breath to ignite a match
But your handsome looks so deceiving
I naively believed you a catch!
You’ll promise it’s the last time,
say you’re done… that it’s the end!
But in me you see a nagging wife,
while in the bottle - a comforting friend
Tell me exactly how, I can win,
or compete with something so pure?
What kind of psychological jargon,
would even up the score?
This demon is so elusive,
someone, somewhere, please advise me
What spirits will finally convince you
to seek your desired sobriety!



Details | I do not know? | |

The remote

(This is a fictional poem)

I wanted to watch the king of Queens but I'm watching golf instead.
I'm too lazy to walk over to the set now that the batteries in the remote are dead.
I'm so bored as I watch these damn golfers putt.
I ordered my wife to change the channel and she kicked me in the nuts.
I can't stand this boredom, I want to be put out of my misery.
I'll be watching a lot of golf because I'm too cheap to buy new batteries.


Details | Free verse | |

Naughty Queen Vicky

It may come as quite a shock
but Queen Victoria
Loved a curry on a Friday night
liked plenty of sex
and smoked pot.


Queen Victoria and her husband Prince Albert, had 9 children together. Her Indian servant and confidant introduced her to Indian food. Taking drugs and opium were legal in such times.

P Dome. copyright 2012.


Details | I do not know? | |

Green Fingers

Dave, who when his time came to retire
Thought he'd have a quiet life
But instead he soon discovered
That he had a nagging wife.
He acquired an allotment  to pass the time
An hour or two of solitude out of the house.
A relaxing day in the summer sun.
Far away from the over bearing spouse.
Then one day he had a shock.
While relaxing with a cold beer.
In the distance, rolling down the path,
A nightmare come true, his worst fear.
His wife came ever closer.
Wearing a massive grin.
She put out her arms to greet.
And kissed him on the chin.
'I have come to help you'
She said with a smile.
'I will come here every day.
And be with you for a quite a while'
Now he did not fancy this one bit.
And tried gently to decline.
But  his wife insisted. and said together 
They must spend more time.
So he asked her 'what would you like to do.?'
'Oh just give me the spade.' she said.
So reluctantly he did as she asked
And brought the spade down on her head.
Then he dug a fresh new plot.
And buried her in the ground.
Her skill in the garden was proved true.
With a good harvest all year round.
But he was eventually caught.
And how was most absurd.
For his wife had the final say.
As always had the last word.
Of his fruit and veg Dave was proud
Set up a business, sold door to door.
Until somebody noticed something sprout.
It was not a spring onion they saw.
Dave goes over the day again and again.
As in his cell he lingers.
For what was seen poking out the ground.
Were two solitary green fingers.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Indonesian Drum

My wife found an Indonesian drum that she couldn’t live without,
It was a ceremonial one used to play for all who remain devout.

It had brightly colored beads and paint to decorate its side,
And it grabbed her by the imagination and would not be denied.

“Are you sure that we can do this, are you sure that it won’t unravel?
This thing isn’t exactly portable and it isn’t built for extensive travel.”

“We’ll make it work,” is all she said and then she handed it to me,
It was clear that from that moment on it was my responsibility.

This drum and I traveled together throughout the great Northwest,
And the both of us stayed together wherever I became a guest.

I carried it through the airport one day and then back again the next,
This is exactly why air travel always leaves me feeling so perplexed.

I transported it through the concourse then down to baggage claim,
Making sure to keep the crowds at bay, drum safety was my aim.

Carefully I loaded the Indonesian drum into the backseat of my truck,
Only one more hour on the road and then we’d be home with any luck.

When we pulled into our drive it was the first thing that I took inside,
Bringing it from Washington State and then delivering it with pride.

I set it on the kitchen counter then I went out for the rest of our bags,
Our Bloodhound was so happy to see us both and to sniff at all the tags.

The time change had effected us so we thought that before we took a seat,
We had better go out and find ourselves something good to eat.

So we patted the dog on his head and said that we’d be right back,
But as soon as we’d left again he decided it was time for a little snack.

We thought that Chinese sounded good so we went and got us some,
But Sherlock was left at home alone with a taste for Indonesian drum.

When we got back home the drum lay there with one side chewed away,
And the expression on Sherlock’s face said that he was ready to play.

So now we have an Indonesian drum with one side turned out of sight,
It has the teeth marks turned to the wall so you can’t see the Sherlock bite.

If you should ask my wife about her drum I can grantee a fluster,
I can also tell you that for at least one day Sherlock lost his luster.

But what is the meaning of a souvenir, is it only for decoration?
Or is meant for something else? Is it more of a declaration?

Because if it is meant to bring out conversation and try to evoke a story,
Then this is exactly what our drum does now that it’s in our inventory.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Hen-pecked Husband

"The Hen-pecked Husband" By M. Taha Effendi (Light Poetry) The door bell rang yet again, and yonder heard the distinct voice, of my dear old wife, full of pain, drowned all my dreams of rejoice. then came the thundering slap, that landed on my cheek now red, and as I panicked out of my nap, I realized I had wet my bed.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"


Details | Cinquain | |

RELAX (Cinquain)

 
Sunday
don't have to work
watch football, snack, take naps
Listen to wife gripe  I'm lazy
Fun day


Details | Rhyme | |

The Two Women In My Life Who Are Big, Beautiful Reds

                                                                   1.
                                                             Kathleen

Firehaired love of my life;
She's almost all Cab, with a dash of Shiraz spice.
A deep and complicated, earthy wife
Who's ruby sparkle in the looking glass
Lingers long upon my vision, soft and nice;
The All-of-Her bouquet, I cannot pass.

                                                                     2.
                                                                 Susan

She may prefer to drink her Cabs,
But the red-maned lioness is pure Bourdeaux.
Her brightness fills a room, and quickly nabs
Away all weak indifference.
The complexity of her shines and glows;
The product of some special provenance.

                    These ladies make my life divine,
                    An enviable medly of song and wine.
                    They may well land on the "NO FLY" List,
                    For being such charming Terroirists.


Details | Haiku | |

Braving the Chill

Haiku-

a skillful sentry...
keen eyes-all senses sharpened
blends in surroundings

~*~

Senryu-

i can brave this chill
not the below zero at home---
The snow queen’s domain

~*~

For John Freeman's "Natural and Beyond" Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

SOUP Spoonin'

Online tonite
looks like 
a whole lotta' spoonin'
goin' on in the "Soup"

nosin' around the comment coral
I see love 
amongst the group

yessir'...
hot Soup!
stirred 
not shaken
marriage scent in the air
no fakin'

where it leads...
we shall see
I know some 
are dippin' crackers in the "Soup"
but Lawd' knows 
IT AIN'T ME!~


Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Hemorrhoid

You messed around 
and married a real 
"pain-in-the butt" man 

known throughout the land 
for ripping
burning 
completely deserting 
then leaving 
women hurting

his only claim to fame 
is over reacting 
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line 
and hook to cast 

things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name 
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid 
and wear his name with class.


Details | Personification | |

Black Widow

She's got a plan
just moved to Florida
one week in the hole
a forced proposal...

"yeah...
uh...
maybe if I get a job with insurance;
we'll get married...
then you'll have insurance too!"

a bribe
the spider web is officially constructed
"Charlotte's web"
no...we'll name it
the Black Widow!


Details | Haiku | |

What is this feeling

What is this feeling?
This strange, awkward sensation?
Oy vey! I'm in love!


Details | Lyric | |

The Unhappy Moth

She chose a red scarf. The most red 
of them all.
Of a dark red, a sweet and thick red color,
just as wine.

She carved from the red scarf
from the middle
to the size of a Martini glass.

Then she carved one more glass,
and she kept carving 
till she fell asleep.

Yesterday
she saw her Beloved Moth 
flirting with a Younger Moth, 
carving together from a sweater
while she was getting busy,
carving in the shelves.

The Unhappy Moth drank lots of wine
woolen wine, 
last night.
She drank lots, too much
for a Moth.
The Unhappy Moth got drunk
and fell asleep
on the red scarf,
unhidden
with a heart filled with peace.

She was not afraid no more. 
Now she could be seen easily,
laying on the scarf
and easily crushed.

The Unhappy Moth was not 
afraid of death no more,
at least, now she knew 
how wonderful the red scarfs are
and that they taste
like red wine.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Hen That Doesn't Chicken Out

The goose cranes its neck in time to see egrets and cranes
    chicken out from a furious fight over seeds and grains
        against a rooster that fails to duck a crowbar blow
            coming from an interfering, pro-egret, coward crow;

the hen cackles mad at such treachery, such foul play,
    the crow's goose is cooked as she pecks her way into the fray,
        she whacks him black and blue, she slaps him hard and good,
            he flaps away, the henpecked crow of the neighborhood;

and when at last the noise and dust and feathers settle down,
    it's clear to see who truly owns the barn battle crown,
        not the limping rooster cast in plaster, it turns out,
            but the hen with much to crow and be cocky about !


Details | Rhyme | |

Hidden Recipes

I live my life with a woman who likes to collect recipes That all sound very delicious as she reads them to me Some are to be once seen,but then never to be made So I feel they should remain on the pages they once stayed Some are collected then placed neatly in a book Others are thrown into a drawer maybe for a future look But that future day never comes when they will be made Though in that big drawer and cabniet is where they all stay She has collected many magazines and printed out many from on line It would sure be nice to taste some of them she has collected over time As they were placed in that cabinet and drawer only never to be made Most of them hidden from my taste buds where those recipes have stayed
DannyBoy:2-1-13


Details | Romanticism | |

Reflections in the Firelight

The wood is piled
my emotions riled
Sweet expectations
settle in my soul

Sweat dappled brows
my emotions drowse
sudden conclusions
fill in the hole

of my heart.

The fire started in the pit
warming ourselves 
in it's globe
and there we sit
like two lost elves
waiting to disrobe

Take your time,
Love
The perfect man
does exist.

rlm '09


Details | Couplet | |

Life is an Aventurous Squirrel Run

I have my Hubby’s steadfast belief in me.
He loves how my poems are light and airy.
He’ll give me an idea once in a while…
Then he escapes to come back, later to read my new child.

He calls these run-throughs a squirrel run.
For they can take off in directions, yes, any one.
Crazy thoughts become crazier still…
And story time leads to god knows, where they will.

My thinking is kind of like chasing around a tree.
You never know where the end will be.
But somewhere I eventually become truly still.
And that is where my Hubby adds into the trill.

Then the squirrel run begins again…
Light and fluffy and full to the brim.
Each day a new adventure... waits around the bend.
Live it. Love it. Write it... You'll be happier in the end.

Contest: Emotion: Squirrelly and fun   CSEastman


Details | Limerick | |

Eine kleine Nachtmusic or a little serenade

Is this Mozart's musical score
Or sonata of sounds I abhor?
I have a good ear
But I'd rather not hear
The loud notes composed when you snore


Details | Quatrain | |

Sister Wife And Uncle Brother

Sister wife and Uncle brother,
didn't really like each other,
so they left it up to me,
which one I liked the best you see.

Sister wife, now she could cook,
not too bad with line and hook,
but Uncle brother had good traits,
why he could name all 40 states!

Both of them were good in bed,
least that's what Cousin mommy said,
but Sister wife she had one ace,
and that there was her purty face.

Her eyes are green, and blue and brown,
one of them looks off toward town,
and she has no hair beneath,
her lovely, crooked yellow teeth.

Uncle brother, he's my friend,
I'll love him to the very end,
but he stops to scratch his britches,
'cause he says it always itches.

It is so embarrassing,
to watch him scratching at that thing,
but what am I supposed to do,
when Sister wife helps scratch it too?

Sister wife and Uncle brother,
suddenly they like each other!
I guess it's just a lucky me,
that has a great big family!


Details | Couplet | |

Valentine Romance

Valentines day is always something special to me, I explained. 
So I planned a romantic evening and got ready for my campaign.
The children were at a sleepover with their favorite friends they adore.
So I met my hubby as he came in, accidentally tripping and making him hit the door.
Thank God his head is hard as he hit that, the nearby TV, but very little more.
I made Cherries Jubilee as a snack while he sat there with an ice pack to his head. 
But before I knew it, I’d knocked it over and almost burned down the house instead.
When he finally put the fire extinguisher away…
I got up and got some of the kids’ apple tarts I had made. 
He bit in deep and burned his mouth, declaring he wasn’t hungry and the pain would fade.
Next he decided to go upstairs, but I had put rose petals down everywhere in spades.
And yes you probably guessed it… he slipped and ended up needing a little aide.
At this he decided to take an aspirin and lay down upon the couch. OH  HHWell…
But I knew the rest needed to happen above, to totally create this romantic spell…
I had to get him to the candles and bubble bath, where my romantic dreams still dwelled. 
So I got out some scarves and danced toward him, tying up his hands before he fell.
He never knew what hit him as he was lassoed and gently bounced up the stairs.
I guess I wouldn’t have had to tie his feet… a few words would have done as well.
But you know me when I get going, my mind tends to lose a few brain cells…
He was flustered, exhausted and bruised when he got there, but he’s made of the right stuff.
Though as I took off the scarves, he flopped on the bed pulling the covers over his head kind of rough.
He said he loved me, but living with me could be kind of tough.
He said it was better to leave it to him, for the romantic endeavors and such.
He said he had reservations and play tickets in his shirt pocket for later on that night.
But what he needed now was some aspirin and a few moments of quiet respite. 
So with a sigh he started snoring, and my romantic dreams were momentarily crushed.
I dearly love the man you know. But, do you think maybe I tried too much?


Details | I do not know? | |

I had sex with my mother-in-law Part 2

(This is a fictional poem)

I've never been able to win.
I wound up having sex with my mother-in-law again.
She seduced me one night when I was drunk.
The only thing that I remember is that her vagina really stunk.
I was disgusted to wake up with my mouth buried in her wrinkled ass.
She asked me to do her again but I quickly decided to pass.
She did something that I really regret.
She has a picture of us in the 69 position and she put it on the internet.
I hope that picture isn't seen by any of my buddies.
And if it is, I want someone to get a gun and put me out of my misery.
It's disgusting to know that I once again touched that wrinkled flab.
But I'm really pissed off because the ##### gave me the crabs.


Details | Limerick | |

Girl in my Class

There once was a girl in my class.
One day I tried to make a pass.
My cheek still sting,
My ears still ring,
Yet married to me; Alas!


Details | Rhyme | |

The Cruise

My wife's been whining for some time now
Wanting me to take her on a cruise
Now we've been married for twenty-five years
So she wasn't gonna let me refuse

So we packed up our bags and off we went
Kinda like a second honeymoon
I said, "Fix us some sandwiches to eat on the way"
Then I told her we'd be there soon

She said, "Where are we going Hawaii or Bahamas?"
I said, "This place is better than that"
We stopped at a place that said, "Paddle Boats Here"
I said, "We're here, now don't forget your hat"

Well, now needless to say, I did something wrong
'Cause my wife started throwing such a fit
We went around circles for at least twenty minutes
'Cause everytime I'd paddle, she'd quit

Now I wasn't gonna pay for no life perservers
My bicycle tubes worked fine
My wife had that tube wrapped around her neck
And both of her hands around mine

Well, to make a long story short, she'll never forget
That time I took her on a cruise
And everytime I even try to forget it
I remember that horrible bruise


Details | Rhyme | |

Susan Ends a Loud Cell Phone Conversation

Susan Ends a Loud Cell Phone Conversation

By Elton Camp

Susan was riding the train home at the end of the day
She wasn’t interested to hear what a man had to say

He made absolutely no effort to keep his voice down
So what he had to say was heard by all those around

“Hello dear, it’s Peter and I sure am running late.
No, with my secretary I certainly didn’t have a date.”

It was along the same lines, Peter droned on and on
Trying to act innocent with his wife over the phone

Finally, Susan called out with a voice so demure, 
But made it loud enough for the man’s wife to hear

“Peter, hang up that silly phone and come back to bed.”
That ended the conversation & made his face turn red


Details | Italian Sonnet | |

He Needs Depends

Attention, attention! Paging Dr. Death
Your appointments here may I send them in
Go on you will see the sign it reads “fin”
Please, all the way down the last door on the left
The doctor will help you complete your quest
Welcome my dear, relax remove your pin
Take off your clothing place it in the bin
Now lay down shut your eyes take a deep breath
Euthanasia come on down bring a friend
Comatose no worries if are you his wife
Yes I am he’s had a wonderful life
I’m sure he feels it’s a means to an end
No longer will I have to deal with the strife
Or the underwear he wears he needs depends


Details | Light Poetry | |

Memories

I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to remember your name,
I could just ask you I suppose but would our friendship be the same?

What kind of a guy can’t remember the names of his circle of friends?
I am fearful of the consequences for the message that this sends.

Oh great, now you’ve said something nice about something that I wrote,
You even went to very great lengths to memorize the quote.

Why in the world have I blocked out all of my memories of you,
Even in my addled condition you’d think that I’d recall a few.

Here comes my wife to meet you so what is it that I should say?
I’m going to have to introduce you both and put my ignorance on display.

My wife says, “Honey I’m so glad that you’ve met with my co-worker Jim,
He’s brand new in our office and I’ve shared your poems with him.

So which is the worse condition I’m putting the question to you,
To forget the name of a friend or to remember a guy that I never knew?


Details | Free verse | |

Doggie Moss

My husband’s eyes are tearing up! Yes, it’s that time of year!
The doggie moss just keeps creeping, everywhere my dear.
Wherever does it come from? It seems to keep eluding me, for sure.
As it constantly creeps in to cover my carpet, like a fine velour.
I complain daily to my hubby, as it attacks my dogs and house.
I say, its a fine black sheen that floats in the air, through out.
My hubby doesn’t understand… He says its only hair from the shedding dogs.
But I assure him daily that it’s truly nothing of the kind, my love…
I groom the doggies, saying its to save the dogs and destroy the moss. 
Each time I explain about the moss, my hubby promptly snorts.
Then his eyes begin to twinkle as they slowly water up.
He heard me pray to God one day to help me with the moss.
He says he stumped his toe as the snort turned into a lions roar.
But when I went into the room he was doubled up, rolling on the floor.
Again his eyes were tearing as I swear I heard him trying to stifle a loud guffaw…
Then the next day he brought me home a gift, an adorable white poodle dog.
He said it’d prove it wasn’t moss and was coming from the other dogs.
I felt I had to explain, that the poor white poodle was also being struck. 
Then, I sadly showed him the black velour also adhering to it’s fluff.
He looked totally incredulous, as the tears came again, with a lively snort.
He’s way too kind as he tries not to laugh at my antics… to my face.
He would never hurt my feelings, for he thinks I believe earnestly what I say.
I don’t think he’ll ever catch on… as he tries not to tremble from his mirth.

Now, I know you may think me crazy… Though, we all are, in each our own way…
Actually, I do know it’s the dogs shedding, though that I’ll never admit or betray.
For every time he tries not to laugh, its too much fun to miss the display.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Lovers Tiff

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie
Your demands will be the death of me
I’ve done my best now let me rest
You’ve drained my body physically 
You’ve worn me out I’ve had enough
I can’t keep on performing 
Let's take a break, relax, unwind
Continue in the morning

Okay, come on, let’s do it
We’ve had our little tiff
I’ve had myself a rest, and
Now I’m getting rather stiff
So get up to the bedroom
We’ll continue with this caper
But you can do the pasting, and
I will hang the paper


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Basket Full Of Love

A Basket Full Of Love

Love him
when breakfast
aromas
wake you
and the coffee
he's holding
as you rise
shapes a smile
on your rested face

Cherish 
when
you feel 
the need
for a day off
from the chores
that
the love
he holds for you
gets
it done
with no objection

Admire him
as the
attraction 
he has
stays
when you look
your worst
and that
monthly curse
makes you scream
and cry at him

Affection 
for his
embracing hugs

Appreciation of the 
strong respect
as he
guards
his precious one

Each 
new day
greeted together
take
a second
and
let him
idolize you
as you 
worship him


Details | Light Poetry | |

Me without You

Me without you is a motionless sail boat,
A kid being out doors in the winter without a coat.
A basketball star without ever having any coach.
Can you picture trying to fly a plane with no engine?
A mother of three trying to feed her children with no kitchen?
Do you notice some of the things that are missing?
Baby you are a puzzle, with a piece missing. 
Without the E in ME, is everything! 
Nothing is complete if there is no YOU AND ME.
That is like trying to serve a turkey with no wings on Thanksgivings.
I am the key you turn in your ignition, I kindle your love intentions.
Oh, what sweet reminiscing, like a pastry treats with frosting.
I bet that put a smile on your face, like a kid winning his first race.
 As I were your Hostess Twinkie and you were my creamed that filled me.
You are the only one that completes me, that how our love flow so swiftly.
As a little girl twirling around in her favorite dress, I think I will keep you because you fit me best.
There is no such thing as a Me without you, because simply no one could ever compare to you.
That is like a sneaker with no lace, you are surly to fall on your face.
But don’t worry I will be right there to catch you with grace.


Details | Limerick | |

Roman Wedlock

A baby, pious, was born by aide
He named it Gaias, and felt like a jade
While he cried,
Cause mommy died.
His wife hired yet another maid. 


Details | Rhyme | |

beware there in

Dad heard a scream from up stairs,
He ran to his son’s rescue and found him in tears.
“What’s the matter son?” Dad gently said,
There’s, there’s a monster in the bathroom and I’m really scared.

“It’s lumpy and hairy with a warts on it legs,”
“And on it’s chest it has what looks like two scrambled eggs”
“It’s belly hangs all the way down to it’s knees
“Daddy, daddy, protect me please!” 

“It knows my name, it, it said it through a toothless grin,”
“It’s face is vomit green.”
“Enough,” said Dad smiling, “There’s no such thing.”
A rumbling noise came from the bathroom.
Go see Dad but come back soon.

Dad stood by the bathroom door for a while be fore he went in
And when he opened it his terrified son heard dad scream.
The monster had a huge wart on it’s bum
That's when dad recognized it and said “ Son needs therapy now How could you mum”

*For Lisa who gave me the title. I hope it is good for you as it was for me :-)*


Details | Free verse | |

Weekend

My wife and I
visited San Francisco
last weekend.

We went to the
opera,
a 49ers game,
shopping,
and took a 
whole bunch of
pictures.

You know,
all the
popular
and trendy
places that
tourists take in.


We both
love
chinese,
therefore,
we went to
chinatown 
for dinner
both nights.


We thought we'd try
a new restaurant our 
last night.

I thought
the meal was very good,
much better than
yesterday's meal

whereas,

my wife preferred
last night's 
meal at


My Wang.


Details | Rhyme | |

Victoria's Secret Well Kept

Victoria’s Secret Well Kept

By Elton Camp

Those pictures of sexy lingerie 
Women is intended to betray

Come buy here and look like this
They imply to each passing miss

Women like those are very rare
It’s why their pictures are there

Women’s fantasies to inspire
Marketers never seem to tire

To look that sexy and cute
It puts women into pursuit

Real women whom men admire
Don’t need such garb to inspire

There’s no need to look divine
Ordinary appearance is just fine

Men look, but don’t highly rate
Such a wife would intimidate

If my wife looked like that dame
She might be hunting another name

A regular wife will surely do 
For I’m ordinary looking too


Details | Blank verse | |

to be alone

To Be Alone
Solitude brings peace but being alone brings restiveness, 
a longing for a voice even if it is a speak saying obvious 
utterances. Silence doesn’t make a man whole he needs 
to hear voices, to make sure we are not alone in a world 
full of noises, that means nothing for the basic needs of 
the daily. Simple things what’s for dinner tomorrow and 
if we do not listen carefully we lose love behind the words 
of domestic murmour as it often get lost in the world of 
thunder; if we lose the ability to listen out for the ordinary 
we lose the big picture, our loneliness becomes agonizing
a constant hum that only brings despair and unhappiness.     


Details | Rhyme | |

Love is the Pits

Our story takes place in the mid sixteen hundreds,
Filled with (not so) fresh corpses and newly beloveds.
The stench of Black Death had choked all of London, 
Moulding its streets into plague ridden dungeons.

As parents and children lay weeping and rotting,
Behind closed doors the perverts were plotting.

A young married man named Edward C. Brock
Felt his dear wife wasn't enough for his 
Cocksure and creepy and lacking real wealth,
He'd also just recently suffered ill health.

On one sordid night he was in bed with a maid,
She was unconscious and blotchy - been struck with the plague.
Then in burst his wife upset and aggrieved,
'You wretched little man - this time I shall leave!'  
'But, darling!', he cried 'There's no need to be laconic!'
'Her relationship with me is purely bubonic!'

She screamed and stormed out, slamming the door,
'Good riddance to you and your riddled young *****!'
Edward turned to the maid and stared into her eyes,
smirking and twitching as he fondled her thighs...
'How come you're so wet yet so steady and calm?
Oh wait, I know - its burst boils on my palm'
Nevertheless he wiped the foam from her lips,
Ran a hand up her top and wrestled his zip.
'What the dickens!?', he spluttered, 'I'm sorry my nymph,
It seems all this commotion has made me go lymph.'
But a short while later,
Both were quite stiff.
For a bed with no action
There was one hell of a niff.
The bells won’t be ringing for their wedding of glitz,
They’ll be signalling to them that love is the pits.


Details | Limerick | |

That's What Mothers Are For

Will you choose your mother or me
Asked wife who would not let it be
As I said oh brother
Sought help from another
And I called her mother to see


Details | Light Poetry | |

Always

Walking with you all the way, because I missed you night and day. 
Holding your hand to help guide the way, in the light of the moon? 
Sunshine brightening our lives whispering ways, hold my hand, 
I want to be with you, up lift your soul in oh so many crazes. 
Hold you in my arms and remembering when our lives took us, 
Each to two separate places, what am I to do now? Eyes so clear, 
Pull your likeness... 
Closer to me now and cling to you at closed in spaces? 
Whisper in your ear that I have no grievances to spare, so come to me, 
Come to me now, I want you to be here, love me now, I have a life to share. 
The effects are rollin over our bodies, like it can’t decide, 
Caught in between here and taking you out to be the ride of your life. 


Details | I do not know? | |

Armed and Dangerous (A Valentine's Poem)

Don’t know about you, but I think it’s stupid
To give lethal weapons to a diapered Cupid
(and what happens when he’s gotta go?)

See his soft feathered wings?
 (Those fat little things!)
They flutter fast as he flies to and fro

But as he tries to take aim
To start the Valentine game
He sees the earth rushing up from below

For he keeps sinking down
And hitting the ground
Overburdened by his arrows and bow

---

He comes to our planet just one day a year
To practice his skills as a shootist
The rest of the time he’s hidden away—
What’s he do in absentia? Be a flutist?

‘Cuz he sure can’t shoot straight, this fat little angel, 
Child of eros and chaos and earth
I wonder if Venus had any idea
He’d be so fickle, so playful, perverse

Some of his arrows are gold-tipped, 
The tips of the others are lead
And where the gold ones inspire amoré, 
The lead ones breed hatred instead

---
 
Yes, he’s armed & he’s dangerous,
This chubby fly boy
And he’s out of control in the air

At sweet couples kissing,
He keeps shooting & missing --
Hither & yon, over here, over there

So I say, Watch out for that cherub!
Stay out of his way!
Young lovers, go, take cover now!

Give one another a bear hug
And try to live through this day –
Look, he just hit a tree – Holy Cow!

Like I said, it’s just stupid
To arm this babe, Cupid,
To entrust him with arrows and bow

For while he can fly, he just can’t shoot straight
And I don’t want his hands to be holding my fate
I tell ya, he’s just got to go

Before something happens
And his lead-headed weapons
Accidentally break the heart of my beau


Details | Rhyme | |

Married Life

Newlyweds experience such happiness and bliss

But once the newness wears off, they notice something's amiss

Hassling over financial frights and dealing with meddling mothers

The once joyous couple may prefer the company of Insignificant others


Details | Light Poetry | |

Waiting for Me

Getting ready to go out
First I must shower, shave
That takes about an hour
Then I have to wear two towels
One on my head the other a makeshift dress
This feels good, so I sport that for a spell
That takes up one hour more
Then comes my arsenal of hair guns and wands
You would think I was preparing for some kind of 
Weird wizard war
After this I'm on hour four
Then I pick out my outfit
I have several things to choose
All of them your advice asked
Duly noted, but never used
You sigh and return to football
Where are we? Hour five?
Then comes makeup the easy part
Add half an hour
I’m looking good
My grand entrance into the room
Crickets
You’re asleep on the couch


Details | Rhyme | |

Life With My Wife

What's life like with my wife
The love-light of my life
Well she has many a quirk
If I mention I'm a jerk

One or two may slip out
And she will laugh or she will pout
It's all just meant as fun
Tonight though I may have to run

From my five-foot-two-inch queen
If she gets me, a bad scene
And she knows the very spot
That will drop me like I'm hot

It may be time to rethink this poem
I have to live with her at home 
So peaceful tonight I'll lie
As that snoring train goes by


Details | Rhyme | |

An Ideal Husband

An ideal husband doesn’t argue,
He never squabbles or swears,
Only about his wife he cares.

He always says kind words,
Doesn’t do anything that hurts.
 
Doesn’t play cards or guzzles away money,
Days and nights repeats: You are my honey!

Out of the rest he is much wiser,
He is not poor or a miser.

In all he is good and so nice,
Always gives a good advice.

An ideal husband is very strong,
And his wife is never wrong.

Even in bed he is the best,
Every day with him is a fest.

At other women he never looks,
And plus to that he nicely cooks.

He is so handsome and not boring,
And you will never hear him snoring.

His wife is blameless and so gorgeous,
She goes out and he’s not jealous.

In all his wife he loves to assist.
Does such a husband really exist?

It seems he can be found only in dreams.

©Larisa Rzhepishevska (Odessa, Ukraine)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Are you a man

Lovey-dovey, honey puff! You're a hero, if your wife Thinks of these words When they say Of her husband And you're not gay.


Details | Limerick | |

You

And if I were some hair locks, you would be shampoo
Now if I were a swimmer, use you as canoe
Gee! But on second thoughts;
I will perhaps not.
Ever would I get the timber, light enough like you?

And if I were student, you I would construe,
Now if I were painting, I’ll try to paint you.
Gee! But on second thoughts;
I will perhaps not.
Ever would I get the colors, pretty enough for you?

And if I was a biker, you would be tattoo,
New morning grass I walk on, you glisten like the dew
Gee! But on second thoughts;
It will perhaps not.
Ever would there be water, pure enough like you?

And if I were a movie star, you would be debut,
Now if I were some cook, you would be my stew.
Gee! But on second thoughts;
It will perhaps not.
Ever would I get vegetables, fresh enough like you?

And if I wrote a mystery, you would be my clue,
Now if I had a balcony, you would be my view.
Gee! But on second thoughts;
I will perhaps not.
Ever would I imagine something wonderful as you?

And if were too lonely, we will together coo 
Now should I say I love you, without further ado?
Gee! But on second thoughts;
I will perhaps not.
Easy, it would seem too easy, I just like to pursue.  


Details | Couplet | |

My Hero

He talks in sound-bytes, my husband does
He's a computer geek - Best ever was!

All day long, he computes and computes
comes home at night, plays Battlefield, shoots

enemies galore,
defending our shores

In the vast cyber-world he so loves!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Of Pestilence and Resilience


My wife woke me up last night and said that she had been bitten all over by something,
She said she was certain it had not been me...
Alarmed! I rolled off the bed and landed on my knee.
Our baby was sleeping soundly and he did give a tither,
Sleep was precious and mine was a lost treasure.

Switching on the lights, I ventured to check
My wife, armed with a torch went over every speck
Checking anything that moves, including my shadow...
She declared she was fed up with my strange bedfellows!
My wife, she is a fighter! and I went down once again, hook line and sinker.

Crawling carefully, we saw quite a few well fed guests,
Trust me, they had had a feast and were ready for a well earned rest.
"Bed bugs! in my house!!" bellowed my wife!
I knew someone was nearing the end of someone's life.
The blame was sure to come on me and and so I quit exchanging pleasantries.

The next day I surfed the net and posted the problem on a website...
And answered phone calls well into the night!
Carpet area, free services and yearly sprays to get rid of all pests..
The offers were tougher to negotiate than a reprieve from the God of Death.
All said and done, the deal was signed and the work began.

They sprayed all over and under and even in between the third and fourth dimensions
Einstein would have been impressed, maybe even written an equation!
I sit in front of the computer with a runny nose...
Keeping watch over the house even as the scourge of the bugs slowly go.
The house smells funny and for two days I will miss their company.

My wife and kids, I mean and not the bed bugs.. O Reader!!
You are as bad as my wife, who thinks I am a lazy bugger!
Little bed bugs can shake a household, 
Or as in my case, put life on hold.
Nowadays I write poems for my friends who have turned cold.

Those pest control guys did a good job, I believe,
I can see insects falling from the walls, the cracks, and the crevices.
Sometimes Life is just simple and straight,
Bed bugs, cockroaches and even a few mosquitoes are a part of your fate.
What is amazing is that a bug's bite has been converted into the Net's byte!

I rest my case...
Accepting whatever I get with...grace.


Details | Rhyme | |

Remember

“I can’t remember you, but you are pretty,” said the old man Tears formed in the eyes of the woman "Who are you?" His voice was the grayest of blues "Are you my new doctor? Or perhaps a nurse?" Silently, the woman took something out from her purse The photo was a wedding shot of a young pair His smile was dimpled and wide, and she had curly hair The woman handed the photo to the old man Setting it on his shaky hand He stared at it long and hard, trying to remember He looked at the date in the back—the 13th of December He looked at the woman in sudden surprise “Marianne!” He cried with joy. “Of course, my wife!” She left the room without another word That was the name of his first wife—and she was merely the third


Details | Light Poetry | |

You Turned Me Into Eggs Again

It's like your scrambling my brain in a skillet
 I can't tell what you said and I am left with no wit
 
When you start talking everything gets hot
 Everything gets blurry, I can't say if what I heard is right or not
 
The sizzle of the butter as it melts down in the pan
 The pressure rises as butters browning, now do understand
 
There go my nerves as the egg cracks making a sound
 There goes my heart as the edibles fall out
 
When you loose me again as the egg and whisk go round
 Here I am again as the omelet takes it's route


Details | Rhyme | |

My Buddy Bobby

let me tell you bout my buddy Bobby
who's wife cheated on him for a hobby
around the dock she did rome
when ever Bobby wasn't home

then sometimes when he'd be in bed
she'd sneek out and give a guy H___
it was kinda ironic for all that she had done
the name of thier boat was mutual fun

well boats tied up no one at home
alway violating the no wake zone
like the guy from new york
on his sailboat she did pork

then one time at a late night hour
Raymond had his way with her on the tuna tower
then she didn't come home from a boat ride with Floyd
an you could tell that Bobby was anoyed

when she came to me it was more than I could bare
bobby was my Buddy and I couldn't go there
well finaly Bobby caught her one day
on a boat with AJ

Bobby was a mess of sort
so he took his wife to court
well the judge apolijized for his bad taste
he couldn't hear my buddy Bobby case

for old Bobby didn't know what to do
the dog gone judge had slept with her too! 

by Capt. Mike


Details | Rhyme | |

Poetry About Poetry

Shades of color bounce within
Singing their hues dancing in place
Vivid lines colored outside
Rules broken with empty space
A midnights dream heard and seen
Gleaming from the twinkle of a eye
Wings touched flown and plucked
Gliding like a bird up in the sky
Wishes from pennies thrown into tears
The reservoir over flowing with pigments of pain
Drowning from the shadows 
The flood paints the day
Words speak volumes of silence hidden
Their sounds blind to what they see
Mirrors of nouns and verbs 
Their meaning and secrets lost at sea
Emotions ruled by laws of language
Spelled in boxes of glass
Melted from sands inside
That voices strangle to grasp


Details | Rhyme | |

I'll Go First

Every week on Friday
McGee worked late at night
But this time would be different
The work load seem real light

So he left a little early
Punched his card and tipped his hat
Then headed to O'Malley's
For a stiff one and some chat

But a feeling seem to come to him
Perhaps He'd just go home
And surprise his little wife
That's waiting there alone

So he walks down the empty streets
"Till he made it to his door
Takes his shoes off as he enters
As to tip-toe cross the floor

That's when he hears some noise
Cracks the bedroom door to see
His Buddy Finn and his wife
Are making merrily 

Oh, McGee he got so flustered 
But didn't stop their fun
And slowly crept away
To the next room for his gun

He was locked and Loaded
When he kicked right through the door
With the gun at his head, He said,
"I can't take this anymore"

But his wife left the bed
And knelt down on her knees
And begged him not to kill himself
and "Put the gun down,Please"

McGee then looked upon his wife
His expression was quite vexed
Then he told her to "SHUT UP"
Cause she was surly NEXT !


Details | Rhyme | |

Energy Burst

I woke up this morning
and it was nice and sunny,
I then said this to my honey,
"I have got it into my head,
I'm going to paint the fence and shed!"
Four hours later both were painted,
I went to tell Gill,
but she had fainted!


Details | Rhyme | |

She loved her adverb more than me

My wife has left me for an adverb.
I don't know which one it is!
Is it slowly,quickly, nearly?
Life should not be like a quiz.

She told me that she "nearly" loved me,
When "dearly" was what I had hoped.
Life is full of lost illusions...
How do we 'reaved lovers cope

I think I should have kept it secret,
For now I sit and sadly grieve.
Do you think my wife is cruel?
What a strange excuse to leave!

Would she leave me for a pronoun?
Would she leave for a full stop?
Would I leave you for a quote mark?
Would I fall down in a black dot?

Come back,darling for I love you.
I have learned I must take care.
I will go for grammar lessons.
I am sure I can learn flair!

We can write a poem together,
You can choose the topic,dear.
I will hold my pen and write for
They say true love drives out fear.

Did I fear her? Did I love her?
Was she worthy of my heart?
Did she dislike my hairy nostrils?
Was that why we had to part?

Come back Mary,come back Mavis.
Come back Sunny, come back Sue
Without my wife I feel so lonely.
What is a left man to do?

Shall I vote for love or money?
Shall I throw my self away?
Shall I get a new agenda?
Will a new life start today?

Come back Miriam,come back Sarah!
Where have all the women gone?
Come back Rivka with your grammar.
I can feed you a cheese scone.

I work hard and I can cook.
I put fresh linen on the bed.
I can pay my bills in full.
But without my Love,my heart is dead


Details | Rhyme | |

MY CAR

I bought a new Car of creamy color
after a long time I wished 
but needed a an expert driver

Searched and I got an young one 
with the grace of God
for a month's trial he was employed

I saw every morning with my smiling eyes
took care of it even my wife cries
because that was my sweet dream car

One day, I am and my driver started 
Car was on speed and CD player was on
up wards a hilly top so nice was that spot

Suddenly, heard a sound...drum... Car stopped 
for a few seconds our mind was blocked
struck with a big rock seen snub nosed lovely car 

I hold my head high to the blue Sky
Thanked God for saving us, loss was no matter
we returned to our home, my wife again cried

Entry: Driving me Crazy
Sponsor: Paula Swanson
Written by: bldevnath
Written on: 06/09/2011


Details | Blank verse | |

I Want to be Your Bride

I want to be your bride
No beating around the bush

I want to wear a white cape
And mouse ears
I want to blow raspberries at your loved ones

I want to dance 
Alone
On a table to our song
I want to eat the best bits of the cake
And lick the icing
When no ones looking

I want to make a speech
When I’m drunk
And call you by an ex-boyfriends name
I want to sit on your Mothers knee
Thinking it’s you

I want to arrive an hour early at the church
In the rain
And wait outside
I want jesters and clowns in bridesmaid dresses
To follow me around all day

I want a ring
I want five rings
One for each finger
And thumb
Just in case I lose one

I want an orchestra of mice
To make your relatives dance
I want to take you to bed
And sing you nursery rhymes as I undress
I want you my darling
Don’t you want me too?


Details | Rhyme | |

Two Thieves

The morning we came to shore
I noticed you needed a snore
Aye, the rocking voyage
Our limbs fastened 'neath the tunnage
Stow-aways, legs and arms a-curl
Our union tested in the Maritime swirl
Honey, what was that? Your color has gone purple!
Baby--don't go! God help this poor cripple!
Wait, I see, coming out of the trees
I see someone! (grunt)-Can't even get on my knees!
Oh, to renew your heart and my legs!
Our riches may as well be rags.
Darling you're so still.
Your chest barely heaves.
That man, he's coming towards us now.
"Oh, please, help us, please!
I've stolen all the kings gold, and rubies off the monuments.
My wife has freed all his parakeets, and all his personal elephants.
There's a bounty on our heads, and I'll give you all we've stolen
If you only save my wife I'll deliver you my last token!"
He can't hear me, this coastal wind how it moans
Or is that you, my dear? Though look here! The man carries no mere stones,
A hatchet, a radio, and a wheel of cheese, which will he employ?
I hope the hatchet's for the cheese, and the radio for songs of joy!
Dear, are you still there?
Dear?
Oh, dear...


Details | Rhyme | |

Deirdre Blues

Oh Deirdre, Oh Deirdre, what words can I say to express how I feel when you are far away. But Deirdre, when you are close to me and I think of the things you do, my whole body starts to shake and that's when I feel blue. The sight of your gargoyle face and the words that spit from your mouth, make me break out in a cold, cold sweat and I wish I was far, far south. Oh Deirdre, it has to be said, the taste of your cooking makes me ill. Your under-cooked roasts are really vile, as for your soup, well it's pig swill. Your gas-like breath sends me to sleep. Your toxic nagging drives me to drink. I don't know how much more I can stand! Oh Deirdre I'm dangling on the brink. But 0h Deirdre, when I'm feeling low Maybe all is not doom and gloom. Your fortune will be mine when you die. So Deirdre, my darling, please die SOON


Details | Rhyme | |

The Pimple

Well I wrote a poem about my wife
But she said, "If you post it you die"
I said, "Don't worry babe you can count on me"
But she should have known that I lie

She had this pimple on the tip of her nose
And I couldn't help but stare
She thought I was listening to her every word
'Cause she didn't know it was there

Now that monster had me hypnotized
I even forgot how to blink
It looked at me with those come hither eyes
And I swear I saw it wink

Well that night we went out to dinner
To an all you can eat buffet
Before we left she said, "How do I look?"
But I didn't know what to say

Now the waiter was truly mesmerized
And my wife still none the wiser
She thought it was rude when he asked her politely
"Would you nose like an appetizer?

She excused herself to powder her nose
At least that's what she said
But when she got back, she had fire in her eyes
And said, "When we get home you're dead"

Well that pimple finally faded away
But my wife won't let me forget
I think she knows that I posted this poem
'Cause she's still not over it yet


Details | ABC | |

Inbred White Trash Cream of the Crop

You call the police on my son 
You pull a knife, he has a gun 
You call my wife a tramp, I call you a loser 
I drive an Escort, you drive a junked up Cruiser 
I ask my wife what's for dinner, she says slop 
We are inbred white trash cream of the crop 
We finally move in together and become one 
We do the horizontal bop until the morning sun 
We are now husband and wife, sister and brother 
Our kids won't know what to call us, maybe father and mother 
She is now pregnant with our child 
We are exhausted from our rituals and breeding style 
The neighbors say this is wrong that we should just adopt 
We must have our own or there will be no inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Now after 19 months, we have 2 
We steal from the goodwill box to get clothes for me and you 
We use electrical cords for belts and to discipline the children of ours 
We always encourage our kids to reach for the stars 
Their potential has yet to be achieved 
My wife says she has something up her sleeve 
We believe our kids will always be on top 
It helps to be inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Billy Sue is twelve and in the fourth grade 
Charlie does addition, he's got it made 
Our kids will bring us fortune and fame 
Too bad all kids ain't as talented as ours, what a shame 
Now our son hosts an AM radio program called the Swap Shop 
Our kids can feel privileged being inbred white trash cream of the crop 
The love between us is very strong 
We feel as inbreds, it's where we belong 
Our kids have impairments, which brings government  funds 
We keep our inbreds on the priority list they are still number one 
Now my daughter does unbelievable hip hop 
All other kids are jealous because they are not inbred white trash cream of the 
crop


Details | Rhyme | |

Short Poem Long Grass

This morning I sat down for a while to write
some words based on what I was thinking,
when life's reality came to bite,
as my coffee, I was drinking.

'How long are you gonna sit on your fat ass? '
My darling wife enquired.
'Get out and cut the flaming grass!
Your input is required! '


Details | Free verse | |

Spate of the Union

 He thinks of better women
She thinks of lesser men
	the kids think
    Two Christmases!
Neither thinks of them
	but he won't budge
      cause she'd get half
	and she won't budge
      cause she'd only get half


Details | Limerick | |

BOOMERANG HUSBAND'S PURR


                                      Jaunty can't live without her
                                          for silly matters deter
                                         actually he loves much 
                                       gone from home no touch
                                       boomerang husband's purr







Note: Sorry, this is my first limerick


Details | Burlesque | |

The Cruise Ship That Just Didn't Quite Make It...

She was an Italian liner,
Whose path crossed
Unfavorably with a 
Norwegian ship
Out at sea....

She went down that day
All aboard were sad
I just hope that Joe's wife
Was not Andrea by name,
Cause it was the Andrea Doria
Whose fate played to her fame.


Details | Verse | |

Breakfast Love

Breakfast begins with out a care
 Waffles and applesauce
 Thats what love is
 This mourning here with you
 I just reminisced 
Our first kiss
 And this mourning
 It's applesauce to you
 And just because
 I hit life's pause
 I now give sauce
 And it's because 
Of the things you do


Details | Ballad | |

"Michelle & Mookey"

Mookey and Michelle were lovers                           
Oh, how they could love                              
they were faithful until something went wrong                                                             
he loved her, but something is wrong                        

Michelle Is a good wife to him                               
that’s what he said                                                    
spent 50 dollars to by her man a picture                          
he loved her, but something is wrong	           

Michelle called his cousin                               
Just to see if he was there                                             .
said: brother-in-law,Has my baby been here?                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                    

“you are a good wife and I don’t lie,                            
I won’t lie to you,he stayed with some girl he left this morning  
the gal is Tiffany Jones                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle went down to the bar                                     
Didn’t go to drink                                                         
underneath her shirt she carried a nine-milli gun                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                           

Michelle looked over the car to see if he was there                                                    
there was Mookey on the stool holding Tiffany’s hand                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle stooped down beside the car   
Pop ,pop ,pop ,pop four shot let out
Right through the door
he loved her, but something is wrong

The first two hit Mookey
She heard him yell out in pain
The third one hit Tiffany in the leg
There were two new faces in hell
he loved her, but something is wrong
                               
“Oh, it hurt, he yell
His left side was bleeding 
Her left leg bleeding
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle looked out the jailhouse
To see the beautiful life.
She could see the birds flying, she could hear them sing
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle said to the sheriff, “What is my punishment? ”
Sheriff said, “Michelle,It’s the electric chair for you”
he loved her, but something is wrong

This story is crazy but true,that shows that it is true
When people say men ain’t no good
he loved her, but something is wrong


Details | Limerick | |

Trouble In Paradise

I once knew a man from the city
Whose girlfriends were all very pretty
He did live a charmed life
Till found out by his wife
Where she kicked him at was a pity!


Details | Rhyme | |

NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE

Henry called his wife from a crowded bar,
and with the sweetest tone told her,
" Honey, I have to work overtime tonight...
don't stay up late and turn off the light. "


Jane responded with worry in her voice and caressing her hair,
"Eat your dessert and drink all of the coffee and try to stay awake;
when coming home, don't speed...slow down by the frozen lake! "
" One more thing, don't leave your cell phone in the locker! "


" Okay, sweetheart...I'll be fine and I'll drive safely. "
Then he hung up and continued the conversation with Lily...
the pretty bartender who stared at him and burst into laughter
saying, " Your wife believes you? Won't she check your pay stub after? "


Henry replied, " No, she won't!" Then laughing remarked," She's too trustworthy...
not suspecting I am cheating on her, she's not the jealous type as you are Lily. "


Details | Rhyme | |

CULINARY OFFENSE

"You shouldn't cook that!"

I heard them all say.

"Why, that's only served

on Christmas Day!"



"You shouldn't bake that,

Something else you must cook.

Our husbands will know

and how will that look?"



"It's fourth of July

No time for that dish.

These rules can't be broken

please honor our wish!"



But I pay no heed

to wives' rambling tricks.

My taste buds cry out

for sage and bread mix.



No husband have I

to eat what I make.

So why should I care

whatever I bake?



There is no set rule

No government law!

I just crave dressing

with turkey. That's all.


Details | Free verse | |

Kate's Bible Add On

And it came to pass that they ate their dinner
and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.

And it further came to pass
that she gave the man some pudding
and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he fell asleep
By the fire.

And the Lord God,said
who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And he said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him

How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
and the man said,
but Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost Thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said,
I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said,
Why dost thou not think of it thyself?
And the man said in reply,
It was Thou that made me,O God.

And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterflies
and so she fell onto the man
And he did make love unto her.
And the cat was very pleased.

For it thrilled him to watch humans mating
and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them
and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily
and never have rows about the washing up..as they eat straight from the can.Amen

Here endeth thy lesson for today.


Details | Limerick | |

Bald love

The shallow water at our feet
Grains of sand reflecting heat
Sunshine on our skin and in your hair
Your hand on my bald head but you don’t care

Tenderly rubbing sun block and a kiss
On top of my head like a holy bliss
But God I’m happy that you’ve  seen 
how handsome I was at seventeen


Details | I do not know? | |

Did You Know Love Was In An Accident

Did you know, Love was in an accident?

What! When? Where? Wow!  My, my. Tell me it’s a lie.
Can we pause for a moment of silence, focusing on love? Hold on there, love not gone. It’s real, but love wasn’t killed.

When did it happen? It was yesterday evening, I’m believing. It happen, when love was leaving. Everything seem peaceful, it was a lovely day, so they say.

Where was love? In a quite restaurant enjoying a delicious meal. And in came the unreal.  Love was taken by surprise; no one thought love would survive.

Wow!  All were speechless, love seem so powerless. As if someone had stolen all the joy. I am telling you what I know, but I suppose there is more.

I had warned love to be very careful. Always check out your company.  Don’t be in a hurry; look in all directions before proceeding, and definitely no speeding.

Poor love.  Made an illegal turn, and ran head on into trouble. Had a concussion and saw double. Forgot the basic rules of the game; avoid some situations, its okay to be ashame.

I believe love will learn to yield the right of way, on the next given day. It really didn’t have to be this way.

Innocent bystanders saw what happen to love. They said a few kind words while looking above. Someone dialed 1-800-Broken-Heart. It didn’t take long, the crew arrived and love was still alive.

Love is in therapy and recovering from love-gitis. They said it could have been worst; thank God there was no Funeral Hurst.

Sometimes our hearts get the best of us, especially in tender moments, warm occasions and special situations.

Thank you love, live long and always remember, sometimes things go wrong.
Have A Lovely Day…
Dr. “G”


Details | Rhyme | |

Mr. Turkey

       
             
       
          
       Mr. Turkey, I hate to do this to you - so accept my apology
But come this Thanksgiving I must feed my family.

       Mr. Turkey, my wife did not mean to carve you up the way she did
but those tiny slices were for our youngest - he's only a kid!

       Mr. Turkey, I should not say this, but your meat was so tender and juicy
I enjoyed your "thigh" the most while watching "I Love Lucy."

       Mr. Turkey at least you had company with all that "stuffing."
I thanked my wife for you but she chuckled and said "Oh it was nothing."

       Mr. Turkey, I promise we will forever remember,
Because we have pictures we took on that day in November!



Note: Written for Donna Goldens contest "Turkey Tribute".... Have a blessed Thanksgiving 
Poetry Soup - Marty, my best friend, Charma still waiting to hear from you, Carol Brown with 
your warm words, Doris with your nice criticism, Sara, Donna, Audrey (Ladybug12) whose 
words are also warm, Carrie Richards, Trudy and for all those specially who respond to my 
work - why those people? Because you accept me (as me) An "inmate."  And  to those who 
prejudge - well God Bless LOL... You guys remember a letter through the mail would brighten 
my days more!  Happy Thanksgiving!! Jimmy


Details | Rhyme | |

It's all your fault

I want to talk,
Talk it through,
Talk about me,
And talk about you.

Lately it's been hard,
All of your work,
And around the kids,
You're such a jerk.

Well it's not my fault,
You're the one who chose,
A bakers dozen,
Of kids, yes those.

How can i know,
The future Shane,
You haven't been,
Through the blood and the pain.

Hey, I've been working hard,
To keep our home,
We're nearly bankrupt,
And you know that dome,

That you bought for our dog,
I mean come on honey,
I work and i work,
But you spend all the money.

I don't care for this rubbish,
I care not for you,
Get out of my house,
And i'm keeping Lulu!


Details | Light Poetry | |

There Wolf

Late at night I’d sprout some hair and my nose would start to twitch,
My teeth grew long but I didn’t care as I looked forward to the switch.

I traveled about in the night by the light of a full born moon,
It was enough for me to gain my sight and I wanted it to happen soon.

I would let my wild side out even if only for short spurts,
Today it causes my dear wife to pout when I tear up my sport shirts.

Most of the time I’m just a guy watching ballgames on TV,
Sometimes though don’t ask me why my inner werewolf gets set free.

No one messed with me when I’d howl up to the glorious moon at night
Now they look at me and scowl even while in my line of sight.

If they only knew that if I wanted their bones would split and snap,
But it’s been a while since I last hunted and I’d rather take a nap.

Middle age hits a werewolf hard and I no longer seem to care.
Because I feel like a ton of lard and I’m forever sprouting hair.

There’s no need to hunt fresh meat when there’s a barbeque right outside.
And crunching bones is no big treat I prefer potatoes crunchy fried.

My wife can turn me into jelly and she never makes me beg.
She rolls me over and scratches my belly and makes me shake my leg.

Tony Lane
For the Halloween Fun contest


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Notion Of A Whisper

A flower will start off as a simple bud/
It then will grow forth !
As when birds in Summer tend to move North/
Yet as the flower may bloom/
There is often found room in which to grow,

Have a positive mindset in life,

Longevity !
There will be many storms !
Yet we all must not allow them,
To dictate what may happen in the future/
Today be a positive light to a darkened place/

Live by example !

Cause many people are watching !
They will be looking for some hidden quality,
Hence, a bit of understanding/
Perhaps it's determination or a great sense of integrity !
Yet without cement to hold a brick it will eventually fall/

This isn't some store bought item that one gets at their nearby mall,

Let all your words be few yet sweet and sincere/
For far too many people in life,
That don't even bother to care/
Just then a little bird had whispered in my ear/

Yet none the worse for wear,

The heart is deceitful above all things !

Still who can know it ?
A true friend is rather polite and sincere/
To the one who will often show it,
Set the standard high for yourself !

For whether you fall,

You will know in your heart/
That you gave it better then some college Joe try,
Try to keep your mind on just one thing/
For this is the essential key to your success !


Details | Rhyme | |

Woody

In the bar he’s cracking jokes
Making fun of other folks
Knows he’ll end up in the garden
It’s his choice and not a hard ‘un
Mobile rings he’s got a text
“It’s the wife, she’s really vexed”
The barman rings the final bell
“Another drink?”  “Oh! What the hell”
Woody’s drunk (a nasty habit)
Tonight he’s sleeping with the rabbit
It’s something he don’t relish much
To spend the night inside a hutch
But bunny keeps him warm and snug
Just like a furry rabbit rug
He’ll sleep all night and in the morning
Wakes up scratching, farting, yawning
Creeping like a little mouse
Makes his way into the house
Boils the kettle, makes the tea
“Hello my sweet, it’s only me”


Details | Senryu | |

The Mall

My wife

Exuberant spending

Conjoined stores

The mall


Details | Limerick | |

The Appointments

Oh doctor my wife won’t you see
I think she is cheating on me
Said doctor to fuss
Of course I’ll discuss
She’ll be with me just after three


Details | Quatrain | |

Philosophy of a Housewife

The furniture needs a dusting
The floors mopped and swept
The bathroom needs a scrubbing
The evening  meal to prep

Dirty dishes line the counter
The laundry's in a heap
Pet hair on the cushions
The windowpanes are streaked

In such disarray, I'm overwhelmed
I really should get hopping
But, tomorrow IS another day
I think I'll just go shopping!


Details | Limerick | |

State Fair

There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there


Details | Rhyme | |

The Practical of the thoery of Existence

Does everything really exist?
Forgive me I tend to philosophise when I’m pissed
Scientist’s say that energy wants to exist
Like the warmth that you feel when you are kissed?

But they say that energy has to exist in large quantities
Does it mean we should touch not just our fingers but our bodies?
And elementary particles are dependent on others
Mingling the particles by making love quenches the hungers

Now I understand the basic theory of how things exist
Hick! This bottle of JD’s making me feel more and more pissed.

I GOT IT NOW!!!

For all the men that have been unfaithful
This excuse remember it well because it will be useful
One’s wife exists when you see her and hear her nags
To her friends, she ridicules you which sound like she brags

Here’s the science bit.

If you have an argument with your wife, go for a drive
And if you apply this theory correctly you will feel alive.
Because you are alone and therefore, she does not exist
And you have become a bachelor so you should be feeling bliss

Have a few drinks and play around with some women
When you leave them they won’t exist and stop being a lemon
But there is a warning, a warning of war
Never have another nonexistent woman in your house begging for more

For a nonexistent wife has a tendency to walk through the door
And believe me it’s not good trying to drink a bottle of JD to numb pain
When you get stabbed in the back by a nonexistent wife that’s insane…. 


Details | Free verse | |

computer wife.

                   
                         Computer computer    
                      what have you done to me?
                       Im only thirty-five
                       yet feel sixty-three.
                     Last year I was happy,
                     without you was the best,
                     now your part of my life,
                      I ignore all the rest.
                      My wife says I love you
                       more than her.
                     My children ask,
                who is the stranger at the door.
                   and when you crash,
                    which you often do
                what am I supposed to do.
                Yes computer youve 
                   changed my life
                   iif I was divorced
                  would you be my wife.


Details | Free verse | |

mise-en-scene-II

It was a far cry for us to rent a house
But desire prevailed upon limited income
My wife was showing the rented house
To a beautiful woman, our next door neighbour,
And I was preoccupied with my work
Sitting in our loosely fenced enclosure.
“This is our kitchen,” my wife said
“Superb” the woman said
“This is our bedroom”, my wife said
“Very cute” she said using another adjective
“This is our living room,” my wife said
“Oh, wonderful” Yet another adjective
As they came out where I was sitting
“My husband” my wife said
“Very wwwwwww” she said,
She started rattling on about 
the previous occupants of the house
Rambling together tales of the tenants.
The woman knew I taught English at a college,
I think she wanted me to overheard
The random adjectives she used in English.
Don’t ask me in which humour
My wife had been as the lady left.


Details | Rhyme | |

Invisi-Girl's Adventures

When Invisi- Girl was very young,
She was not worth stopping,
She would always end up spying or snooping,
And even a little eaves-dropping.

She would always be punished, punished harshly,
For listening in on others,
Yet even though she would punish her,
Invisi-Girl still loved her mother.

One tragic day, her mother died,
And her father was devastated,
But when her father decided to remarry,
Invisi-Girl was not elated.

One frightening day,
her step-mother said,
"Give me all your money,
Or you will be dead."

Invisi-Girl's father tried to help,
Her father tried to stop her,
But then the wife accidentally shot him,
When she meant to shoot her,

Invisi-Girl lived a horrible life,
Ever since the day her father died,
She waited on her step-mother hand and foot,
And would always let out a good cry.

The day Invisi-Girl had her twentieth birthday,
her powers she did discover,
Invisi-Girl could vanish into thin air,
And best of all she could hover.

One day she decided to make a plan,
One that her step-mother would not expect,
This expert plan would be only one,
That Invisi-Girl could detect.

ONe day Invisi-Girl used her powers,
And her step-mom she did destroy,
She finally restored the family's treasures,
And brought herself inner joy.


Details | Rhyme | |

The change

Something happened that was strange.
My wife decided to have a sex change.
When she said she was going through a change, I thought it was the change of life.
I came home and was greeted by a husband instead of a wife.

I packed his bags and threw him out the door.
I sure as hell wasn't going to be married anymore.
Now I'm remarried and she wants to have a sex change too.
Somebody please help me, I don't know what the hell to do!

(This is a fictional poem.)


Details | Rhyme | |

My Wife

The wind is my wife, as she kisses my nose,
Tickles my lashes, strikes angry blows.
She sweeps through our house,
And rattles her blouse,
That hangs on a line,
As a kite so divine.
My heart trails behind,
On the bows as my mind,
Tosses and turns,
Wondering when it will learn.


Details | Rhyme | |

Reincarnated

I always thought it was impossible for a person to reincarnate but I learned that they can.
After I died, I reincarnated but I didn't come back to life as a man.
I came back to life as a dog and my wife is my owner.
Even though I'm a dog, she still gives me a boner.
I was shocked when I looked in the mirror and saw that I'm a Saint Bernard.
Some times my wife tries to date men but I chase them and I bite them hard.
When I was a Human, I had elegance and class.
But last night I bit a chunk out of a man's ass.
Certain things put me in a bad mood.
One of which is having to eat Dog Food.
Being near my wife is intoxicating and it's sure to please.
But I'm about to itch to death because of these damn fleas.
I'll stop my wife from dating men until I die, that's what I'll do.
If you ever try to date my wife, I'll take a big chunk out of you.

(This is a fictional poem)


Details | Rhyme | |

Wisdom Teeth

I learned a lesson a long time ago
Back before I met my wife
I made a choice I can never take back
The worst decision of my life

Now don't get me wrong I love my wife
She's the apple of my eye
I just do whatever she says
And I've learned not to ask her why

Now you might say I'm henpecked
Well, my wife says that's not true
At least that's what she told me to say
Whenever I writing to you

Now it's not her fault that I'm not that wise
She says It happened before we met
Sometimes I just sit and stare at her
'Cause there's some things I just don't get

I used to be smart but not anymore
See my brain was stolen by a thief
My wife says it happened when I went to the dentist
And he pulled all my wisdom teeth


Details | Rhyme | |

The Samaritan

Ok stop nagging, you twisted me arm, 
Ill tell you a true story that caused me harm.
My wife and I ran out of petrol on the motorway,
It was the second minute of the third hour of the day.

So off I walked to the BP garage to get some juice,
On the road are two women shouting verbal abuse.
Their hummer was leaking a lot of oil,
Under the car I went with my shirt black from the soil.

While busy tightening their sump plug, 
I heard a loud bang; I must have looked like a mug,
The most excruciating pain in my trouser I felt,
When I found I was suspended under a lorry by my belt.

I was doing sixty mph holding on for dear life,
Crying, calling out to my wife.
The lorry went on for two hours non-stop,
How the hell I hung on and didn’t drop?

Then by luck it stopped, this was my chance,
I rolled from under the lorry to find I was on a boat to France
My nuts were the size of basket balls,
I thought that was it for the future generation of the Halls.

A week later I returned with my balls in a wheel barrow,
And my ---- the size of a full grown marrow.
My wife thought I was dead and she almost choked,
She didn’t speak to me as her life insurance claim was revoked.

© 2000


Details | Rhyme | |

Home Duties

It’s been a hard day at the office, but thank God it’s over now,
I’ve punched the clock and dragged myself toward me car somehow,
Those twenty minute smoko’s; and hour lunch breaks take their toll,
Between pushing pens when sitting down in what’s me working role.

Then so it becomes my daily task to walk up to me door,
And grab a beer from in the fridge and put me feet up off the floor,
Then watch the telly till its time to ring the dinner bell,
Eating with the wife and children, then enjoy another spell.

Now that’s my daily routine, which became my weekly rite,
But turning down my drive today, I caught an unfamiliar sight,
The kids are still in their pyjamas and they’re playing in the mud,
Somehow they’ve turned a tap on and the front lawn is in flood.

They’ve got stuck into the lollies leaving papers strewn around,
Our dog is wandering in the street, then the remote I duly found,
And the doors upon the wife’s car, have all been opened wide,
But none of this can quite compare to what I found inside.

The lamp was lying on its side, and the globe inside had broke.
The carpets wet and getting stained, from an upturned can of coke,
And the telly’s on a cartoon channel with the volume peaking out,
There’s every toy we’ve ever bought and clothes all spread about.

The kitchen’s full of dirty dishes, breakfast food and milk are spilt,
The fridge door is wide open, the toasters on a wobbly tilt,
There’s dog food in me coffee mug, on the hot plate there’s a brick,
I wondered what had happened to the wife…she must be feeling sick.

So I walked toward our bedroom, which is further down the hall,
And turned me nose up at the vegemite that’s scraped along a wall,
The toilet roll has been unraveled and the toothpaste has been spread,
Across the mirror in the bathroom, that lipstick has painted red. 

But when I finally made our bedroom I rushed in to take a look,
And there’s me wife curled up in bed and reading from a book,
She looked at me and gave a smile, with not a thing to say,
So in a state that mystified, I said, “What happened here today?”

She just shrugged and turned a page and answered me this way,
“You know when you come home from work and ask me every day,
What have I done, and your reply, is plain sarcastic wit,
So to show you what I do all day… today I didn’t do it”.


Details | I do not know? | |

KISS concert tickets

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife and I have always loved KISS.
Something happened yesterday that really got me pissed.
My friend had two KISS concert tickets but he couldn't go.
When I asked him if I could have them, he said no.
But he said he'd give them to me if I catered to his every whim.
He's a lowlife bastard and I shouldn't have trusted him.
I cooked all of his meals and I even rubbed his dirty and smelly feet.
I cleaned his crummy house everyday and I kept it nice and neat.
Every morning I'd bring him breakfast in bed and then I'd give him a shave.
He ran me ragged, I was like a slave.
Yesterday he said he wanted a promotion so he gave the tickets to his boss.
When I told my wife, she hit me in the stomach so hard that my cookies got 
tossed.
I kicked my friend in the nuts and I beat the crap out of him too.
If you ever make me work for KISS tickets and then renege, I'll do the same to you.


Details | Limerick | |

Looks Are Pert Nigh Everything

An old childhood chum named Red Booker,
Fell in love and was married to quite a looker.
She caused men to stare,
But old Red didn't care,
Because everywhere she went, he took her.


Details | Light Poetry | |

I love your cookies and your spam

I love you and you love me!
Believer!
Where on earth should I now be?
Whenever.
I blocked cookies all my life
If you want one,ask my wife.
I eat spam, and google then
I begin all over again.
Whatever.
I ban websites for a living
But my lover's very forgiving;
Best man ever!
I eat splogs and gurgle blogs
Then I carve up wood for logs.
Whenever.
I've been married fourteen times,
They divorced me for my rhymes,
Whatever.
I eat cookies if I can,
If I can't I get them spammed,
Forever!
I live in your dreaming space,
I'll inspire the human race,
Moreover.
If you meet me you won't know
'Cos I look like old so and so.
Whoever.
But I am here and I'll find you
I educate the human zoo.
Professor!.
I love writing nonsense rhymes;
I know they get real dumb at times.
Caress her.
If you like to play these games
Please send me all of your names,
It's over.


Details | Prose Poetry | |

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Oh, was it really possible that we’d ever pen, or 
is it necessary to debate our in-sensitivities, 
the ups and downs of life, being sandwiched between
our likes and dislikes of a certain form in writing?

To a degree, of versifying, we have the so-called 
“To each his own” ability
and power to attract the readers of the mind,
to fully enjoy us, in our chosen form. 

Some would profess they dislike haiku
...’cos of its shortness and simplicity
and most likely, many would prefer free verse,
than to listen to the enchanted soul of rhyme

...’Cos of its un-metered style and absolute freedom;  
yet I, the handsome I (ahem!) do love, not prefer 
the beholder of my beauty, my beautiful wife (ahem!)---
a thousand times over, and greater than those few.

Ahh, the exquisite beauty of poetry, 
the subtle meaning half hidden 
in ones’ lines, and totally not seen in its form
but most certainly, lies in the eye of the reader.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Ode To Women

I cant figure out why women are such a puzzeling sex to men.
I think its like the three letter word, we say when, and you say how long
has it been?

I especially love it when they say " oh I'm not high maintenance" and 
I need to get this and that done as we scratch our heads and say is it me
or is she the only one.

When we go out we pick any old thing we have on hand, and women say
"Oh I have to get something new" and it probably cost more than our wedding
bands.

We guys go and spend ten bucks on a haircut and a shave, but when you go its 
an all day affair and cost so much I have to ask for a raise.

So men we are left to ponder and sworn to never concede,
but I find its easier not to argue and just give them what they need.


Details | I do not know? | |

Jealousy

He stood upon the parapet
Tittering on the ledge
Giggling to himself 
And shuffling closer to the edge

For seven storeys down below
His wife and lover stood
He knew what they were up to
And it surely wasn’t good

Chuckling to himself, and 
Moving slowly to the verge
The anger burning deeply, and
It fired a deadly urge

Laughing like a loony
Leaping headlong from his roost
Madly flapping arms to give 
His fall an added boost

“Your smiling now you rotten cow
You won’t find this so funny
I’d rather die than let you try
To get hold of my money”

Half way down toward the ground
His progress slowly halted
That crazy grin turned awful thin
He thought his plan was thwarted

His braces caught the flag pole
And it hindered his descent
He hovered for a moment
And then flying up he went

Bouncing up and bouncing down
Till finally it stopped
He smiled a rueful smile, and then
His trouser buttons popped

Continuing his journey
As he hurtled earthward bound
His wife and lover sidestepped
And he crashed into the ground

Laughing like a drain he seemed
To find it awfully funny
Though nearly dead he turned and said
“I really missed you honey”


Details | List | |

BABY TO COLD TO GO OUT

lets lay in
see my grim
its a love blend
to hold you tight
thur night
no doudt
BABY TO COLD TO GO OUT


Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Takes a Bride

Freddy the Fly,
Now back from the moon,
Noticed on his calendar,
That it was now June...

The wedding month,
thought our dear Freddy,
But a fly has a short life,
So then, before I'm dead,
I gotta' find a fly-wife!!

So Freddy flew
all abouts the world
Searching for,
the perfect fly-girl

Finally he was rewarded,
When Nicole Fly he did meet,
He got so excited,
He stepped on her fly-feet

But the attraction seemed mutual,
Like a fly to horse manure,
But when they did converse,
They both were very sure,

Freddy proposed his 
fly matrimonial hope,
Nicole said yes, let's
go elope....

But a wise Freddy the fly,
Did look her in the eye,
He knew she'd someday
regret,
Such a simple way to beget,

So he told her of his plan,
For the biggest fly-wedding
in all the land,

The solemn day came real quick,
A Sunday wedding, they did pick
And as it did unfold,
This story I was told,
He'd waited for her hand to hold,
To place on her fly-hand the ring gold,

Dressed in his little fly-tux,
Fly guests tried to hold their yucks,
And Nicole, in her fly gown,
Flew about, then up, then down,

To land on the fly-alter,
Not for a fly minute did she falter,
Said, "Yes, Fly Priest, I do!!...
And if's all the same to you.....
Would you get off my fly wedding cake,
It took so long for the fly-baker to make"

And Freddy's anxious to leave at once,
On a fly honeymoon, for sure,
But, alas, I almost forgot-
No "moon" in the honeymoon- no more!

For Freddy had eatten the romantic moon,
It tasted like sh_t, and it did ruin,
The moonlight for kissing was there no more,
So to fly-sleep they went,
and soon began to fly-snore.....

Now a Freddy Fly's snore is an event to behold,
At least as a fly-story, we've been told
Nicole , she couldn't sleep
As Freddy fly-snored deep,
She flew off and let the fly groom,
Wake up next fly-day to fly-gloom!


Details | Alliteration | |

Girl Girl Girl

Whether we wander wistful
whether we wander wise
we waltz wedding’s waltz; whenever
whatever weather
we’ll wriggle with wishful wives

Wind wispy willow
willy-nilly we’ll whirl 
we’ll widdle we’ll weave; whenever 
whatever weather
we'll waltz with wedding's wench

Well worthy we writers
who with words wrench









Finishing Line Press.  Book FAREWELL TO THE DUST, by C. S. Leaf avalible March 2008
www.FinishingLinePress.com


Details | ABC | |

Trailer Park Body (

I could not afford a Bow Flex, costs too much 
I get diagrams to build my own from a man named Henry Clutch 
The instructions say if I build it right 
It will make me lean and my stomach tight 
The first step, according to the instructions, is to collect empty beer bottles and 
cans 
I go across the road to see Inez and Stan 
They open their closet and tell me to take what I need from empties in here 
I was kind of disappointed when none of them were from Busch Beer 
They ask me what are they for, I tell them they're for a hobby 
I smile as I see myself in 32 weeks with a trailer park body 
The next step is to collect some full sand bags, I know who to contact, the 
National Guard 
I know a female Sargeant there, he name is Louise, but her troops call her Black 
Bart 
She has the looks of her dad Stew 
But she has a singing voice like Julie Andrews 
She hooks me up with three full sand bags, which is more than I need 
Step three I can't do, it would violate the trailer park creed 
I guess cheaper isn't always the way to go 
I bragged to my wife about the new me, but now I must eat crow 
I decided to use the stuff I collected to decorate the front yard, but my wife said it 
would look too gaudy 
I look around at the heroes here at the park and realize that after all I do have a 
trailer park body 
Now I am back to square one
This trailer park is rippin' and roarin' fun
That couch sitting out in front of lot nine
After it's dark it will be mine


Details | Lyric | |

we started out kinda

we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool,
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be your man,
aint tryna be ya friend (be ya friend)

so tell me do you like it
drop, top, mercedes benz
top up ,cause your hair be (blowin thru da wind)
wheels spinning, hair did( blingin ring) ya dig

she pull up at the club lookin like, millions,
billions, watching you from a distance
all the fellas be watching you like a vision
ya sexy thighs,sexy hip, sexy midsect
looking real good,make a reggin wanna hit that,
forget that, i think im ready for commitment
so are you ready for submission

"oh"

n-e-ways, i know you with him for a short change
but you and me together forever,
will never change
when i was younger all i thought  about was spitting game
never caring about your feeling was to remain,
the same, im sorry i cause you all this pain ( i promise you)
i fill them all with brighter days
(and hopefully) i just get a chance to say, that
(i love you) and i hope that you feel da same way 

Hmmm....


we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be ya man
aint tryna be ya friend, be ya friend

i aint tryna be ya friend...
girl i only wanna be ya man
so baby want you let me in...
and i promise it will never end
repeat2x


Details | I do not know? | |

O Forgetful

As you run out of the house
You realize something is wrong
You try to think of it
As you go to work
You think hard
Then you remember it's
You wife's birthday


Details | ABC | |

My Wife Beater Shirt

I buy the Hanes three in a pack 
I have a house, not big, but not a shack 
I drink my juice sitting on the couch 
I have no ambition, I am referred to as the slouch 
I sit out front and drunk before the morning sun 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
My girl gets a welfare check every month on the first 
I have her brainwashed like Patty Hearst 
But then again, I have many hoes 
With my smooth charming ways, I keep them close 
I am the spider, they are the flies, what a web I've spun 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
Sweat causes me to change my shirt too soon 
Maybe I should switch to Friut of the Loom 
I just got a new ho with a love that stuns 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
The Marios come by to sell me some heat 
Stolen fresh from up the street 
Huge discounts on plasma tv's 
They say I can choose from several dvd's 
Now the cops have got me on the run 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
Now I'm sitting in the clink 
No hoes, no welfare, no juice to drink 
Now I wear orange and pick up highway trash 
Free meals, a bed, a roof over my head, there's no need for cash 
According to my coveralls, I am inmate number 101 
Without My Wife Beater Shirt, I No Longer Get Things Done


Details | ABC | |

BROKEN HEARTED AND BUSTED

BROKEN HEARTED AND BUSTED



Broken hearted and busted by the woman I trusted
When she fooled with the bachelor next door.
He’s tall, good looking and works out with weights
Living off income from family before.

She claims it is I who must shoulder the blame
For her ongoing need for a another.
I worked to much and played to little
Though she still loves me like a brother.

So here I dwell in my sportsman’s camper
Parked at a rest stop just outside of town.
She got the house, child support and alimony
Which will last till I’m dead in the ground.

What was I thinking of when I married her
I must have been blinded by lust.
Thank heaven I’m free of her wicked ways
To search for my angel of trust.

I pray for a women to love me again
Though I’m stripped of my worldly wealth.
Lost in the haze of tears and sorrow
As my sadness overwhelms my health.

They say all is fair in politics and love
So prepare for the unexpected.
There’s nothing worse than to give of yourself
To wake up and find you’re rejected.


By Tom Zart


Details | Rhyme | |

Donuts

Donuts are my favorite food, 
They come in many kinds,
I think they are the greatest creation,
Ever made by mankind.
They're made in many flavors,
And some have sprinkles too,
But when choosing your favorite donut,
The decision is up to you.
Donuts are delectable and they're also really tempting,
After having a problem of any sort,
They can really be quite exempting.
As you can see donuts are a real help in life,
They're also the perfect present,
One to give your wife.


Details | Narrative | |

Smart Woman

It was the evening before Thanksgiving,
so off to the biggest store in town I went, for a few items,
I needed to complete my Thanksgiving Feast.
Everyone was grabbing, and hurrying to get out.
I was totally out of my comfort zone, 
for I hardly ever come here,
except to buy a few things, you don't find anywhere else.
Then there he was, lost as a goose in a thunder storm,
his wife had played a severe trick on him.
A list he held in his hand for the items she needed.
I heard him talking to himself, so I stayed close behind him,
just for the entertainment.
Marshmallows, does she want the big ones or the small ones,
oh no, couldn't put that down, so I'll buy both.
Cherries, now where are they, probably way over on the other
side of the building.
Just then he turned around to look at me,
am I blocking you, if so I am sorry, but I don't know 
where anything is, and with this crowd in here, I can't
even think, much less find anything.
No, I said, you are fine, I am just as lost as you are,
that's when he told me, my wife played a cruel trick on me.
She wanted to come early, and get this over with, but I told
her, what is the rush, well, I will never say that again, ever,
and if I get out of here alive, you will never see me pushing a buggy
in here again without my wife.
I don't know how she does it.
I thought to myself, smart man.
We have to give his wife credit, smart woman.




Details | Rhyme | |

Don in the Doghouse

Don in the Doghouse

By Elton Camp

Don had a wife who was easily offended
If her wishes weren’t immediately tended

In the doghouse his time was mainly spent
Since out of shape his wife was often bent

Poor Don finally decided that he’d give in
And he built himself a doghouse in the den

He even bought a coat of white canine hair
To put on whenever he had to live in there

Bowls of dog food he decided that he’d eat
When it was his wife wasn’t acting sweet

Ultimately it became Don’s permanent bed
Because she came to detest everything he said


Details | I do not know? | |

Watching Tv

You want to go out on your own for a beer
Catch up with a friend you’ve not seen for a year
Hear all the news about who’s doing what
How much they earn, and the things they have got
But your wife says now honey, stay home with me?
So you sit and stagnate as you watch the TV

The big games tomorrow you’ve tickets for two
You ask her to go, but there’s so much to do
The fence it needs painting, there’s stuff to repair
The car and the mower the tread on the stair
When the chores are all done and you’ve time that is free
You sit down, and you watch, the big game, on TV

Its spring time its warm and how the sap rises
Your looking for love but there’ll be few surprises
She knows what you mean when you say time for bed
And will promptly announce she’s got pains in the head
So you fix up a sandwich, a nice cup of tea
Then sit there and fester and watch the TV

Let’s go to the lake we can hire a canoe
“I’m sorry I can’t I’ve got ironing to do”
We can take a nice picnic and go to the coast
“There’s no time for that, not with chicken to roast
So go off and do what you do when your free
Just leave me alone, go and watch the TV


Details | Free verse | |

Rhoda not Rhonda

Rhoda not Rhonda
like the Rhoda from Mary Tyler Moore
but even more like Rhoda from "Rhoda"
any way Rhoda wrote a poem
i said Rhoda wrote a poem not Rhoda poem
"Who's Rhoda Rhoda Poem?"
NO! i said; Rhoda wrote a poem
"Rhoda Rhoda Poem. that's catchie"
never mind


Details | I do not know? | |

George Bush has a tiny wiener

(This is a fictional poem)

My cousin discovered something embarrassing about George Bush when they 
were in the men's room together.
He lied when he told Bush that he'd keep it a secret forever.
The President has a wiener that is incredibly small.
He has to use a magnifying glass when he urinates because he can't see it at all.
His wiener is so small that it makes a tootsie roll look like a broomstick.
Bush is upset because all of America knows about his tiny ####.
Now that his secret is out, his wife is getting a divorce.
My two inch wiener used to embarrass me but compared to Bush, I'm hung like a 
horse.


Details | Rhyme | |

Down The Road of Life

As I was slowly walking,
down the road of life,
I spied  away in front of me
a bent old man and his wife.
Their steps were even slower,
than I who walked behind,
and they seemed to stop quite often,
but no one seemed to mind.
Now as I gradually gained on them,
something seemed familiar to me,
for that bent old man and lady,
looked a lot like you and me.
They seemed to be talking loudly,
as I was catching up to them.
some sort of argument went on,
that seemed to have no end.
And as I listen closely,
my ears did strain to hear,
just what that old man was saying,
to his wife of many a year.
It didn't take too long to hear,
what was all the to do,
for it was the same familiar words,
that I had, had with you.


Details | I do not know? | |

Ex-producer

(This is a fictional poem)

I was a rich Hollywood producer but now I'm broke.
My last film ruined my career and that's no joke.
I didn't know that my movie would flop.
My wife left me because there was no money for her to shop.
It's embarrassing to go from being a millionaire to being in the unemployment 
line?
I just got a new job, does anybody need their shoes shined?


Details | I do not know? | |

Biggest mouth in the south

(This is a fictional poem)

My mother-in-law has the biggest mouth in the south.
She keeps talking and she won't shut her mouth.
My remote control can mute my TV, I wish it could mute her as well.
Living in the same house with her is like living in hell.
She has the temper of a bull and the face of a sow.
She eats all of our food and she's as big as a cow.
She criticizes me everyday and that's not fair.
Every time she takes a seat, she breaks the chair.
Yesterday I shaved my head because the ##### gave me lice.
I'll give you anything if you can get hr to leave, you just name the price.


Details | Couplet | |

Golden years

  Archaic are we still my dear...
we feel the same from year 
to year.
We never change a thing inside,
It's just the skin and hair and hide
that sag and fall and turn to gray,
the best of me will always stay
so in love with you old man.
Though maybe you don't understand
your hearing aid is set so low,
and do you have to walk so slow?
I have to get back home by ten
my medication's due by then
Where are those prunes
we bought tonight?
I have to eat them to feel right.

Shut your trap right now old Bat!
I set my hearing aid like that
So I don't hear a thing you say.

I know ...........I love you anyway.


Details | Bio | |

Newlywed Cook From Hell

Oh, boy!!!  This one might be hard to believe, but is true, never-the-less.  

My last wife....
Scourge of my life,
Taught me thru culinary torture...
It was wise to hide her kitchen knife...

One time, we got,
From her uncle,
Who owned a hot dog truck,
A couple of pounds of
his franks....
It seemed like good luck...

I was sitting in the livingroom,
Not too much long later,
When an explosion I heard,
As if a grenade had been
tossed through the window....
Perhaps some demented
Newlywed hater...
It seems, she'd thrown
those franks,
Into our oven,
Turned on the heat,
Like a roaring fire,
Beneath a huge,
Demonic stew pot...
Of a witches coven...

She failed to notice,
These franks were wrapped
up in plastic...
That exploded when heated,
Yes, her cooking was spastic.

Another time,
She announced she'd
Cook us up some steak,
Went right to the cupboard,
Where I watched as she did take....
A large bottle of vegetable oil,
Poured it into the skillet...
And plopped in the steaks,
Into which she added more oil,
In an attempt to just fill it!
I watched in amazement,
My eyes growing large,
I attempted to think up,
A way for me, of this meal,
A manner to dodge...

Oh, she was quite a pip!!
To her, gourmet food,
Was a Wise Poato Chip!


Details | Lyric | |

Between You And Me

Some of the little things
That tried to brake us apart
Should of made us strong in our hearts
Because you are the love of my life
I love being your wife
I treasure all our moments together
It is the funny things 
That you do, makes me smile
And life is good with you
That our love can last awhile

(Chorus)
Between you and me
We can make our love right
Between you and me
And we can love each other 
Between you and me
We can last forever

When we started out
Others and they had there doubts
They said we wouldn't make it
Between you and me
We can work out the mistakes
Together we can work it out
Together we can make it
Threw all the hard times, rough roads
We've climbed over mountians
Carried some heavey loads
Together we are rasing a family
And my sisters to
And if we have arguments
Between you and me
Realize we all make mistakes
But it takes us to make it right
( Repeat chours)

Some of the little things
That tried to brake us apart
Should of made us strong in our hearts
Because you are the love of my life
I love being your wife
I treasure all our moments together
It is the funny things 
That you do makes me smile
And life is good with you
That our love can last awhile

Between you and me


Details | I do not know? | |

Elmer Fudd shot me

(This is a fictional poem)

I decided to sleep with a woman who I met on a bus.
Her husband shot me because he caught us.
When I got shot, the bed was covered with blood.
I looked to see who shot me and it was Elmer Fudd.
I begged him for mercy but he said no.
I have no privates because he shot me below.
Obviously rabbits aren't the only things he shoots.
I got a good lawyer and I bankrupted him in a lawsuit.
Today Fudd told me that I'm pathetic and that he's appalled.
I told him that I might be pathetic but at least I'm not poor and bald.


Details | Bio | |

How To Pay Your Bills (Part One)

This was a method employed,
By my last ex-wife,
Who enjoyed 16 years of 
torturing me,
The bane of my life...

See she sat and slept in
her recliner,
The power seat of the house,
And treated me,
Like an annoying mouse...
I was too dumd to take,
Care of a bill,
My mental capacity,
Seemingly nil...
Each day I'd hand her majesty
That days' mail,
Nothing but bills,
For the coffin a nail....
As I worked 6 days a week,
Most 11 hours long,
I grew quite meek...
Her system consisted,
Of tossing the bills in a pile,
Next to her chair,
Let them sit for awhile...
Till afer 'bout six weeks,
The pile reached her armchair height,
Annoyed her TV vision,
Obscuring her sight..
Now I knew, 
when she started to pay...
That legion of bills...
On that fateful day....
I'd better be,
At least a hundred miles away...
She would grow ever more disturbed,
And violent at me,
I didn't make enough,
For her tennis lessons,
You see.....
New car, clothes by the score,
She wanted no pressure,
And she wanted more...
I'd go to work,
With 30 cents,
No coffee could buy...
I was just too dense...
Worthless and shifty,
Each 60 hour week,
And pitiful, and weak,
And far too disdainful,
The mouse was too meek...

For three days I'd suffer the storm....
Wishing I was elsewhere,
Especially in a coed dorm....
'Cause I'd have non of "that",
If you know what I mean...
Sometimes lasted for months,
Despite pleading tears...

Now-adays, I live up "On Cripple Creek"
No longer matters if 
I'm feeling strong or quite weak,
Cause as the song says;
"Up on Cripple Creek,
If I spring a leak,
She mends me...
I don't have to speak,
She defends me...
A drunkard's dream...
If I ever did see one!"
 
This would be my friend Rosie,
Who pays all my bills,
Takes care of stuff,
Cures all of my ills...
And, should someone,
Be so damn foolish,
As to antagonize me,
I merely tell her,
And soon enough they would wish,
Someone else's hot anger,
Had they sampled in their dish,
Wishing to dear God,
They'd never heard of my name...
And suddenly they'd have realized,
They ought not have tried to play that game...
My biggest nightmare,
In the whole world, I do think,
Would be to piss her off,
That really would stink...
(cont.)


Details | I do not know? | |

That damn clown!

(This is a fictional poem)

At my son's birthday party I whooped a clown.
One punch was all it took to send that bastard down.
That clown made a pass at my wife right in front of my son.
After I knocked him down, I blew his balls off with a gun.
As they put him in the ambulance, I heard him moan.
Now he walks and talks like a woman because he has no testosterone.


Details | I do not know? | |

This damn television

(This is a fictional poem)

I hate this damn television that my wife just bought.
When I ask people if I'm intelligent, they say I'm not.
This TV only picks up one channel and that really blows.
It only has one program that's about washing clothes.
This one show is irritating and it's starting to make me fume.
Why did my wife put this damn television in the laundry room?


Details | I do not know? | |

Those damn pigs feet

(This is a fictional poem)

All I want is something good to eat.
But all you ever serve are pigs feet.
I can't stand how they taste.
You'd better get them out of my face.
Those damn pigs feet gave me the gout.
If you serve them again, I'll throw you out.
You served them yesterday and you got very mad.
They made me sick and I puked on your mom and dad.
Your parents swore never to come to our house again.
I'm free of your pigs feet and your parents so I guess I win.


Details | Bio | |

How to Pay Your Bills (Part Two)

'And if I did find, that I....
Were soon to become, 
An enemy of her's...
I'd seek Osama's deepest cave,
And say, "Move over, dear cuz!!!"...
See...
She has been,
Through it all,
And she don't take...no "Sheet"!!...
And abides no fool,
Or their gall,
She takes no prisoners,
This I swear...
So don't get her angry,
Don't think to challenge her,
Or out of your chest...
Your heart she'll tear,
So no matter how brave you are,
Or how much you might wish,
Someday to be,
Or someday aspire to dare...
Don't make the mistake,
Of thinking you haven't a care...
Because you'll find yourself,
And in a blinding flash,
You'll find yourself,
Under the gun...
Yes!!!  It's a drunkard's dream...
If I ever did see one!!!"


Details | Narrative | |

Funny Face

She looks kinda cute even when she is mad
yet, so composed when things turn out bad. 
How she smiles even in deep, sweet slumber 
that I love watching whenever I am with her.

Kids get sick, turns me into a nervous wreck,
she just smiles “Relax, hon, get some sleep”
and while I’m snoring totally lost to the world,
she lovingly nurses them with a heart of gold.

Next morning she whispers “How’s my man?”
what have I done to deserve such a woman!
I smile thinking her children really total five
the oldest of whom is fast approaching 55.

When I erupt like a volcano she allows me
then soothes it with “Are you okay, honey?”
“Now let's talk about this like sane people” 
leaving me chastened, a choleric old fool. 

I often wonder how she lasted long years 
living with my juvenile, explosive temper. 
I just count every blessing, this nut case 
married to a lady I fondly call Funny Face. 


Details | I do not know? | |

Making love to nine wives

(This is a fictional poem)

After making love to nine wives, I really do get tired.
I didn't have the energy to get out of bed in the morning so I got fired.
I have nine times more sex than any normal man does.
Two days ago someone turned me in and I was arrested by the fuzz.
I've had so much sex that my wiener is covered with blisters.
When my newest wife learned that I was going to jail, it really pissed her.
Making love twenty times a day can cause frustration.
I don't mind being locked up, I need the vacation.


Details | Rhyme | |

Lord of the Drunken Banter

they say he's lord of the drunken banter
that girl who sings there's whom he's after
he boasts and brags he can bag any broad 
who strays into this smoky pub by the road

he roars, "hey, waiter, don't you block  my view
   she smiles  and sings exclusively for me
      same songs of love that always sound so new
         she's really hooked on me as you can see

"so, waiter, step aside and stay away
    just wish you were that guitar on her lap
      or be the that mike upon her lips, but hey,
         that's only in your groggiest dream, poor chap

"now here she comes, just watch your macho man
   she'll surely sit here close to me, you'll see
      hello, sweet babe, you got some sexy plan?
         these dudes right here won't mind, they'll let us be."

she smiles and stands beside the banter lord
and says to clear things up, just for the record
she wants them all to meet the man of her life
and he's this waiter here, and she's his wife !



Details | Rhyme | |

I Love My Wife

I love my wife and she loves me
Our love is for eternity
We just like to sit and cuddle
And sometimes she likes to do a puzzle.

I love my wife with all my heart
I've loved her from the very start
Our two hearts they just entwine
Mine in hers and hers in mine.

I love it when she smiles at me
Her face lights up like a Christmas tree
Her eyes they sparkle they melt my heart
I love her more than bakewell tart.

I love my wife and her beauty
She's my little tooty fruity
I'll love my wife for ever more
She's the one that I adore.


Details | Ballad | |

The Lost Wives

THE LOST WIVES

My wife and I were having one of them bonding days,
Where we ate lunch in a café…and of course it’s me who pays!
Then we strolled along the street to look in all the shops.
Now the bug has bit her, this window-shopping never stops.

It’s “Look at this!” Or “Look at that!” And “Isn’t that so cheap!”
Of course I’m going “Yes dear! As I follow like a sheep,
When in reality me thoughts are on being somewhere better,
So she can shop with all her might, and I can just forget her. 

Then when she mentioned ‘Target’ she must have seen me shake,
“That joint’s fifty thousand metres square”, I said “For goodness sake!”
But to addicted shopaholics, they don’t care who bears the brunt… 
“If you don’t want to shop with me then just wait out the front!”  

I waited…and I waited. I reckon that three hours is enough,
So with blood pressure rising and me language getting rough,
I began the dreaded searching up and down the hundred aisles,
And ignored the “Can I help you?” Or the shop assistant smiles.

I stormed past the ladies underwear and then the hats and dresses, 
The perfume and the footwear aisles kept adding to me stresses,
Then I met a bloke close to the lipsticks with worry on his face,
“I’ve been searching for an hour…me wife is lost in this place!”  

I replied “Well that’s coincidence! Mine’s been gone for hours now, 
I’ve searched north to south, east to west and you know somehow,
I reckon we should join our forces, because united we could strike, 
So by the way” I said to him, “What does your wife look like?”

“Well” he said, “She’s tall and tanned, her body shape’s an hour glass,
Her legs are long, hair is blonde, and she’s got a gorgeous…bottom.
Now what does your wife look like?” And without a seconds pause,
“Bugger mine!” I said to him…“Lets just go and look for yours!”
Lindsay Laurie


Details | I do not know? | |

The Man Who Was So Dumb

Driving down the interstate it didn’t take long to see
It was clear through the pouring rain what was ailing me
There’s a sign up ahead, 
Welcome to Tucson it read
I’m coming home where I’m supposed to be

There’s a man thumbing for a ride minutes from the town.
He’s soaking wet so I stop my truck and I turn around.
He climbs in, 
With a big, fat grin,
Grateful for the ride that he’d found.

And he said, “thank you kindly mister, I’d given up all hope,
My wife and baby daughter are waiting there at home,
I’d never want to hurt her, the way her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun,
And I’m grateful to the man who was so dumb”.

I asked if he was willing to have a bite to eat,
He said, ”sure don’t worry, it’ll be my treat”.
Walked into a bar and grill
Shaking off the chill,
He started talking a’soon as we found our seats.

He said he was coming in from Phoenix where he’d gone to find
The ex who hurt his loving wife and left her in a bind,
Just to set things right,
He didn’t want to fight,
He just had to shake the hand of a man so blind.

He said, “thank you kindly mister, my car left me stuck,
I sure do appreciate a ride in your old truck,
My wife must be worried, that I’d do what her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun,
I’m grateful to the man who was so dumb”.

He said, “I just have to show her, not all men are bad,
See she was carrying his child; he was all she had,
She never got to tell him,
Things were looking grim,
It’s been two years and now she’s not so sad”.

He showed me a picture, I couldn’t believe my eyes,
The woman I thought be waiting for me had found a man who’s wise,
He wouldn’t hurt her,
He’d never desert her,
I knew right then I’d have to break those ties.

And he said, “thank you kindly mister, I’d given up all hope,
My wife and baby daughter are waiting there at home,
I’d never want to hurt her the way her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun”
Then he shook the hand of the man that was so dumb.






Details | I do not know? | |

Human generator

(This is a fictional poem)

I was struck by lightning and now my body is electrified.
My body has tons of electricity inside.
I can power things just like a generator.
My wife is making me power all of her appliances and I really hate her.
She has her blender plugged into my nose and the oven plugged into my ###.
I cause a power surge whenever I pass gas.
She has the refrigerator and the toaster plugged into my ears.
Someone please help me, I can no longer stand it here.
This is very demeaning but she doesn't care how I feel.
I have to live in misery just so she won't have to pay an electric bill.


Details | Free verse | |

The circus

The circus
The circus came to town and a man was at his window he began to frown not 
wanting to turn now from  his window not wanting wife to be a widow WHAT 
WHAT WHAT extraordinary animals he began to form his plan to make the wife 
and his best man departed from their company
THE ZOO THE ZOO THE ZOO he cried AHA AHA AHA he sighed
He phoned in haste his phone in hand he ran he ran he ran to town to find his 
man and widow there
The tommy gun is in the trunk of the elephant he gleefully erected his own stuff 
and once his plan came fruiting forth he planned his own demise of course
His worthwhile pride begin the speech to screech to screech to screech
Impediments of leaking gas of argon gone from holders hand
My woman and my best man turn on hours of my loneliness
Phone call one is to my ex she never guesses just who this is
She has so many bows and suits she has splendid shoes
Phone call two is tommy boy my best friend lies
He lays in justice on my life he lays in naked tresses near my wife
OH trounce the elephant with glee
Oh shoot the tommy snout at thee
My tommy boy is dead from lead coming from my shooting gun
My lady wife is fresher than the tommy gun leaded breaded death
Eye missed her.





Details | I do not know? | |

My peter was burned by a heater

(This is a fictional poem)

I was naked and I bumped into my heater.
It put a second degree burn on my peter.
I couldn't have sex for over a month so my wife walked out the door.
When I peed, it hurt like hell because my wiener was so sore.


Details | I do not know? | |

Five star restaurant

(This is a fictional poem)

My arms, legs and ribs have been broken and I'm wearing a neck collar.
It happened when I went to a five star restaurant and was charged three hundred 
dollars.
All my wife and I had were a couple of steaks.
When i told the owner that I didn't have enough money, a lot of bones started to 
break.
He dumped a pot of linguini and clams over my head and then jabbed me in the 
nuts with a fork.
He burned my hands on his stove and I started crying like a little dork.
He started beating me and he wouldn't quit.
He beat me so hard that it made me ####.
You may be laughing at me, you may think it's funny.
But you won't find it so amusing if you ever go to that restaurant without enough 
money.


Details | Free verse | |

Playmate

Looking out 
Of our upper room window
Over looking the garage
Where my old court stand still, with
Its ring attached to the cemented wall 
I see my dearest son, five years old
Playing basket by himself
Dribbling the ball
Zigzagging, against the unseen opponent 
Then he jumped, releasing 
A long range shot
And the ball landed into the net. Shoot, three points
So happy to see him, playing
Thou, as he walks to recover the ball, to do it again
I can feel his breath
Heavy and discontented, touching my heart
That made me whisper to the wind
Don’t worry, son
Dad’s rushing enough to give you happiness
I promise you
You’ll have your own playmate
Your beautiful mom is now one month late



Details | Fibonacci | |

Oops, Not Yet, My Dear! (Fibonacci)

it
is 
quarter
to midnight
we lay ourselves, on
the bed, her breath demands, willing… 
to intertwine, while my naughty right foot tickles hers 

the touch of a lonely bourgeois, searching under the 
silk sheet of love, with a hope, not 
only mine, but her 
own silent 
gasping
is 
at

par 
as
my own
wanting grows
and now, night-clubbers 
bowing their commitment, homage 
to lovers of midnight glory; a total silence 

as they pass thru dim-lit corridor, ‘cos we, they know
are surely amongst the many
too excited, in 
exploring 
what’s life
has
for

us
in
serene
night, but then
the clock strikes midnight
awakens the fragility
of the moon---begging to be in-between, till morn comes



Details | I do not know? | |

She cut off my wiener

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife cut off my wiener while I was sleeping.
When I woke up, I started weeping.
I begged her to give it back so I could have it sewn back on.
I nearly died when she said it was gone.
She doused it in gasoline and burned it with a lighter.
I wasn't going to take this because I'm a fighter.
I invited her outside to have a fight.
I thought I'd win easily but she punched out my lights.
Every time I'd get up, she'd knock me back down.
It was embarrassing because she only weighs eighty pounds.
She cut off my wiener because she thought I was cheating.
I got my ### kicked when she gave me that beating.
She felt terrible when she learned that I hadn't cheated at all.
She cut off my #### and now all I have down there are my balls.
If you're a man, I have something to say to you.
Don't marry a wife like mine or you might lose your wiener too.


Details | Free verse | |

WHITE FLYING LIES

She speaks with her nose opened wide
Like that of  Queen  Elizabeth the none
From the fringe of the nose
She speaks very fluently 
Chewing Queen’s language
With her head high up	
She must have been an “Americana”
No! Briton, I mean
Chorused the mouth of many.
	
Yet she was not only born of here
She leaves all her life within
In the dusks  . . . thick 
Of a town called “Ibara”.
Indeed the other face of “Ibara”

We thought she was of the 
Known family in “Ibara”
“Ibara” of the biggest shots 
We were hoodwinked again
Its “Ibara” other side
With people of no side or size.

I became  popeyed of it the news
That her Father a local referee
I wore it a gown of surprise
Of her fluency even in 
Pidgin and Yoruba dictions.
Needing twenty two lies 
To support one big heady fabrication.

Does she defeacate or fart ?
Too clean of a skin and look 
Selling dubiously nothing but her casing
As many Adams pay for her pretence
Others swayed by her glibness
Skinned naked by her smile . . . comportment
Donate generously to her carcass
Of an empty moving coffin.
Too hollow to be real.
 
She can’t sleep in darkness
She can’t wash her clothes
Yet she is full of pretence
Too pompous to be genuine.

Enter the knockings of that day
That she will be strip naked 
Of her white flying lies
All at the open market square.


Alayande Stephen. T
30th,July, 2006
12.25am

Ola’s very comical story of his 
Female friend called Wunmi.






Details | Free verse | |

Menu of the Day


This is where I start, the beginning of a 
poem. Gee, the faceless memories are
blanketing the beach! The sweet sweat 
of anise seeds wets dried olden throats

matching with precious emerald stones 
and feta of the gods, dressed in earth’s  
natural, colorful skin to satisfy a hunger

where I watched this fairest of them all 
trudging through the sand dunes. O, her 
foot-prints, left un-touched! I wanted to
 
measure her smile, but my commander 
has taken the order of my day to other 
station. There, I imitated Steven Segal’s 
expertise chopping veggies, for a soup.   


Details | I do not know? | |

Hot dogs with chili

(This is a fictional poem)

I like hot dogs with chili and I like them real good.
I'd eat them all day long if I could.
When my wife sees me eating them, it causes a dispute.
She hates them because the chili makes me toot.

People say that hot dogs are made from filthy stuff but I don't care.
I've gained over two hundred pounds and when I sit, I break my chairs.
I cuss people out when they ask me to share.
It's not easy being bigger than a bear.


Details | Burlesque | |

Bachelor Blues-or Bachelor Bliss?

I've earned 2 B.A.'s
One in college, long ago
One of more recent vintage
And it's of this one you ought to know

Understand, some bachelors like me
May not be what's called "normal",
as you will see

We sleep to noon
sometimes that's too soon,
No one to make us make our bed
No one mess around
With our testerone laced head

Housekeeping?  No one
to yell when we make a mess
No one, then, to care
And so far as that, I tell you now,
To us, that mess, it just ain't there!

Beer and cold pizza for breakfast
If we feel we want
Though this may be at 3
No nagging wife that us they''ll  haunt
And that means alot to me
But,  the top benefit
Regards us when we pee
Yes, best of all, this I do swear
Is we can leave the toilet seat standing up
And no one will really care.


Details | Rhyme | |

Amnesia (Mixed Rhyme)

Love, you know I yelled at this lady;
Not that I envied her slim body,
But ‘cos she claimed, you as her buddy;
She asked me if your name is Teddy;
Her son said: please, return my daddy.

So, I ask you: Is there something I should know?
Just be honest, and I’ll not start a fight;
Gee, I’ve no idea of this lady you saw; 
Have not you guarded the bird very tight!? 

Then, why was she looking for you? 
All I ask myself is why;
She’s cold stare; as I passed by,
She said, you and her, is this true? 

Oh please, stop it, honey! It’s just in your mind, 
Those silly things that I never even thought; 
Thou my heart is such a rhymer, still, I’m thine; 
And you really think, by her, I will be caught?

Maybe, she’s not in her good head;
But, her son looks like you, she said; 
Enough, here you go again; 
You know, your nagging makes me sick! 
Outraged, she hit him with a stick;
He laughed at her, with disdain.

Insulted by his deeds, she pushed…and pushed him;
And he fell, banging his head against a beam;
This caused him to see dancing stars in a gleam.

Shook his head….and walks to the door,
Leaving her, sobbing, on the floor.

Love, where are you going? She asked.
He looked back and said with voice, hushed. 

I’m going to my wife and son.
She screamed: No, no…you are my man!

You? Never met, my name’s Teddy.

And, you are not my slim lady.


Details | Burlesque | |

Dysfunctional Dish-functional

when I was married some years ago,
my wife then thought, for some reason
that she was the boss
and I was there for wifely pleas'in
she sleep late everyday, was truely much too lazy
she'd order me to do so many things,
I swear I'd be sure to proove
this lady was d_mn crazy...
I was not allowed any money
certainly not for cigarettes or beer
this seemed to me a little funny
it seemed a little queer

one day she ordered me to do the dishes
after I been ordered to cook the meal,
it seemed to me she was goin' too far'
it seemed just so unreal...
so while she laid in bed munching chips
she was sure I'd do the dishes
she was sure I'd obey her wishes
if I ever wanted to "kipse her luby rips"

well, I may not be so bright,
I may not be so brave,
but, put my hands in dishwater?
I'd rather dig myself a grave...

I told her to buzz off...
and do them all herself!
I mean, I had just done the cooking...
what'd she think?  I was the cobbler's elf?

well, we one day parted ways,
and some wonder if these I might miss,
I said- "you mean those miserable old days?
I'd rather bathe in piss!!"


Details | Free verse | |

Page 69

Honey, let’s take a trip
….to the bed, away 
From the lights and sound of home cinema;
And there, I’ll read you, with passion
This rare book I chanced upon
at a local bookstore, when I was 
Looking for Apollinaire.

This book is about Kama Sutra
And it speaks about love,
With vivid illustrations of each techniques; 
It says, it’ll teach us how to be patient… 
On exploring ourselves;
And interestingly, without the dire need 
Of taking…you know…the viagra.

This book will consume us,
Approximately, forty five minutes or less;
It has 70 pages that will, surely, soak 
The dryness of our life.

Ok my dear, just don’t start on page 69!


Details | ABC | |

My Wig (

We leave on vacation to see the Grand Canyon 
I ask my son when is the last time ha changed his socks, his feet smell like 
salmon 
My wife laughs and says that isn't his feet, it's his breath 
I tell her no more equate toothpaste, we're switching to Crest 
My wife says in a panicky voice, I forgot my social life line 
I tell her to calm down, everything will be fine 
She says, turn around and head toward home with the speed of a Russian Mig 
We can't take this trip, I can't be without my wig 
One hour and two tickets later we finally arrive back home 
Now she has her wig in hand and her voice has a nice, calm tone 
She says what are we waiting for, let's be on our way 
It's only 9:30am, it's already been a long, long day 
Now we are back to the area where we had to turn around 
I remember that singles club called Lost and Found 
As evening settles in, we stop by an eatery called The Autumn Twig 
She says please bear with me as I put on my wig 
My son and I sit in the car quietly, as we are close to death from a lack of food 
My wife tells us let's enjoy our vacation, you two need to adjust your attitudes 
We sit in the car and watch as people come out of this greasy spoon diner 
I keep reading their slogan, If you're lookin' for rib stickin' food ain't none finer 
I keep having these visions of me at the table, eating so much, my wife and son 
call me a pig 
Finally she is done fixing her wig 
I watch in horror as the Diner's lights go off 
My dream is gone, no pig, no trough 
She says in disgust, that's just great, where can we get a bite to eat now 
I tell her about a barbecue joint five up the road called Four Sides of a Cow 
She says okay, but I could not belive what she just did 
She smiles and says I told you everything will be okay, as she removes her wig 
We arrive outside the place rated as some of the best barbecue around 
She throws her wig on the dash and laughs like a circus clown 
She says my hunger has taken over, I believe she's flipped her lid 
She says let's go on inside, these people don't know me, they have never seen 
me without my wig


Details | Free verse | |

Defenestrated

That is how a love story goes,
people professing eternal fealty,
invoking the Almighty's guidance,
just cannot live without the other one.

But when

     bills start to pile up,
     mortgage is a baggage,
     his head begins to shine,
     she smiles like a little baby,
     he cannot get it up anymore,
     she is often not in the mood,
     he snores every night like thunder,
     her feet's scent is like gunpowder,
     his breath smells just like a sewer,
     her underarms stink like a skunk's,
     he demands coffee and she prefers tea,
     he collects Dvorak and she digs Bacharach,
     he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle instead of bottom,
     she scatters her dirty underwear all over the bathroom floor…
  
ah, that is when love or what remains of it
becomes so wonderful that it is cast aside
and it is time to call the firemen and police,
maybe the bishop or the local parish priest
or better still, run to the nearest county judge.

Love...defenestrated !!!


Details | Couplet | |

Don't Kiss A Wish Goodbye

To us, what is a kiss?
If, it’s done with a twist

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Is it your way of saying goodbye?
Maybe, you need a break for a while

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Do you want to end this way?
The sacred vow we disobey

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Which one is wrong, yours or mine?
Then, let’s make a kiss to find the lime

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Why don’t we wish a gentle kiss? 
A real kiss made of a gentle wish

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

A kiss is a symbol of you and me
Once we both deeply wished to be

So, bye-bye to pretentious kiss
And, no more pretentious wish







Details | Burlesque | |

My Sign

What's your sign?
Aires, Libra, Pisces....
Stop, Yield, or Merge....
Did you ever get the urge?
To change your bloody sign?....
Then you've got to hear mine!
It's "Push Down and Twist!"
Some clown could not resist,
To hang it from my neck,
Oh, what the heck!!
Who put it there, I wonder,
God, or me, or all my ex-wives?
Slappin' five, and twisting knives?


Details | Ballad | |

At Bubba's We Spent the Night

We take Bubba home to drop him off 
His father and mother come out, they begin to hack and cough 
His father extends his hand out to shake mine 
My wife says don't be rude, go ahead and shake it, I do so, his hand is covered 
with mucuossy slime 
After shaking his hand, I begin to gag 
The wife with no bra, smiles and hands me a Save A Lot shopping bag 
She takes a swig from her 32 oz brew 
Then offers it to my wife Sue 
I say come on, it is your turn to show manners now 
As she takes a swallow, I watch her face, the expression looked like she was 
trying to give birth to a cow 
Bubba asks his father if we can all stay the night 
The father says fittin' us all in one bedroom will be very tight 
I tell him we will sleep in the kitchen near the back door 
He says pay no mind to critters on the floor 
I ask where is the toilet, I have to go 
He says out back, you're in luck, I just dug a fresh new hole 
I think to myself, this is not the way life should be 
A night at Bubba's I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy 
At 3 am, they are in the kitchen stepping over us getting snacks 
We are offered each a bowl of that famous soup called fatback 
Bubba yells I want my box of cupcakes 
His mom hands a pack of Reelfoot pork hot dogs and says for goodness sakes 
He devours them as if he was in a hot dog eating contest 
Bubba says, after I eat my cupcakes, that will tie me over so I can rest 
A little after 4, Bubba gets his fill 
After breakfast, we were told we can leave on our own free will 
After trying some rocky mountain oysters, it is time we leave 
The dad says we would love to come and stay with y'all on New Year's Eve 
I tell him until 2040 we have plans 
He says that's fine that will give them enough time to collect some aluminum 
cans 
We move to another state with no forwarding address 
Never again putting ourselves in that kind of mess


Details | Free verse | |

Freddy the Fly, As The Time Goes By

Poooor Freddy....deserted
by his bride,
Felt so damn hopeless,
All you'd ever see,
Was just how much he cried

So Freddy went,
to a fly psychologist,
Hoping that it meant,
He wouldn't cut his fly-wrist,

But Dr. Sigmund Fly,
Heard his tale, as he did cry,
He asked Poooor Freddy why,
He wanted so to die...

Freddy spoke his truth,
An ache in his fly-tooth
Made him cry so bad,
Not the fly-bride he'd had,

Dr. Sigmund Fly,
Looked Freddy
in his thousand part fly-eye,
Said he couldn't lie,
There was a chance he'd die.....

Now this news stunned Freddy,
His world so surely shook,
He bade the Dr. Fly,
Goodbye,
and his leave he took....

He went to the Roach Motel,
Thinking to die is just as well,
But for Poooor Freddy Fly did there find,
He was not the right insect kind.....

Last anyone saw of Freddy,
He was getting himself ready,
To fly to Mexico,
To some Mexican Fly that he did know....

So, when you swat a fly,
I beg you please try,
to identify the fly
And if a sombrero he wears,
Let pooooor Freddy go!


Details | I do not know? | |

Hermaphrodite

(This is a fictional poem)

My neighbor does something that's out of sight.
He has babies by himself because he's a hermaphrodite.
He has one baby after another.
It's not easy being both a father and a mother.
He was raised to believe that it's wrong for a father and mother to be unwed so 
he married himself.
He has twenty kids so he's not big on wealth.
He wears dresses in public and he looks weird.
He's the only person in a dress who has a beard.
People tell him that he should stop having babies and he agrees.
But he doesn't know whether he's supposed to get his tubes tied or to have a 
vasectomy.


Details | I do not know? | |

My wife is a vegetarian

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is a vegetarian and she's making me be one too.
I crave meat so much that I ate a leather shoe.
Last week my wife got mad when I bought a Big Mac.
She gave it to her german shepherd and he nearly bit my hand off when I tried to 
get it back.
I'm unhappy because vegetables and fruits are all I've had to eat.
I'd kiss an old hog just to get a little meat.


Details | I do not know? | |

What women want

(This is a fictional poem)

Every woman who sees me wants my body.
Their husbands kicked my ___ so I had to learn karate.
Now when jealous husbands attack me, they get hurt.
I wish God hadn't made me too sexy for my shirt.


Details | Free verse | |

The Noonday Orator

In a Sunday wintry air
The pigeons, the sparrows 
And the mocking birds 

Without array 
Congregated themselves 
Outside the family house
 
Listening, intently 
To the noonday oration 
Of Her Majesty, the Queen

Whilst I, I quickly picked
The various colors and shapes 
Of myself, my dignity

Shortly thereafter
She, fumingly, dropped them off
Through the guiltless window     


Details | ABC | |

Trailer Romance

We're getting married and you say you wanna wear white 
I tell you, your chance of doing so ended last night 
I punch you in the arm and say now you can wear black and blue 
You kick me between the legs and say now you're hurting too 
I laugh and stand back up in a fighter's stance 
You say in a sexy voice, ain't nothin' like trailer romance 
Three hours before the ceremony, we each pop open a 24 oz Bull 
Then we puke in stereo as our ceremony comes to a close 
With beer cans clanging behind our Pacer 
I tell you I am with the FBI and they have attached a tracer 
People laugh as we request a spotlight square dance 
She says it will be alright, our honeymoon will have a lot of trailer romance 
One of wedding gifts is a gift card from Big Lots 
Now we can by a dish set, flatware and a couple of pots 
Kissin' cousins, now we are two 
My wife just had our first son, we named him Big Blue 
Next one she bears, girl or boy will be called Bubba, what a great name 
Marrying your kin folk should hold no shame 
Find out how good life can be 
When your cousin is your wife to be 
Go ahead, roll the dice, take a chance 
Now I am a firm supporter of trailer romance


Details | Rhyme | |

A Woman's Heart

Ah the woman’s heart, 
As gentle as the coolest breeze,
In the heat of a summers day .
Not to be taken too lightly, 
You might get swept away.
Be careful of the brewing storm, 
It only comes ever so often, 
This is when she has been scorned,
And her world has lost all motion.
Treat her with respect and courtesy,
If you value the love that’s yours,
It will be given back amply 
As the sun shines again outdoors.
The storm will have passed quickly,
Things back to normal again,
She will be calling you her sweetie,
You will be thinking AMEN.

If you fill a bucket with salty water, no matter how far you walk, it will still be salty.


Details | I do not know? | |

Full of baloney

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife fed me baloney sandwiches three times a day, seven days a week.
After five years of eating nothing but baloney, it really reeked.
When people said that I was full of baloney, they meant it literally.
After eating over five thousand baloney sandwiches, it sickened me.
I divorced her and married somebody else but all she ever serves is peas.
Someone shoot me please.


Details | I do not know? | |

Brute

(This is a fictional poem)

He's mean to everyone especially to his wife.
Other people hate him but she doesn't see that he's a low life.
His wife still loves him even though he cheated on her and burned her brand 
new car.
He beat up her dad and she's still with him, that's bizarre.
One night while she was sleeping, he shaved her head bald.
She actually thought she looked better without hair when any other woman 
would've been appalled.
He told her that she looks like a cow and smells like a pig.
When they go out in public, he embarrasses her by pulling off her wig.
Her husband just keeps getting meaner and meaner.
When he sees people, he always gives them the finger.
He just stepped out onto the street and was killed by a bus.
It may be a tragedy to his wife but it's a blessing to the rest of us.


Details | I do not know? | |

Ladies man

(This is a fictional poem)

I came home early one day and saw my wife in bed with another man.
I grabbed my shotgun and you should've saw how fast he ran.
I immediately got a divorce and married somebody new.
But I came home one day and found her in bed with that man too.
I threw him through the window and he got cut by the glass.
A big shard of it got stuck up his ass.
I married a third time and I caught her and that same man in bed.
I made my german shepherds attack him and I let my mule kick him in the head.
I reluctantly decided to marry wife number four.
But I caught her with the same man like the times I did before.
This man is someone I've always hated.
I had all I could take so I grabbed a knife and now he's been castrated.


Details | I do not know? | |

I hate snowmen

(This is a fictional poem

I put a magic hat on my snowman and he came to life.
But then he had sex with my wife.
He had coal for eyes, a carrot for a nose and two arms that were made out of 
sticks.
Then my wife gave him a sausage for a ####.
My snowman and my wife fell in love and they wanted to be together.
But they needed to get to the North Pole because we were going to have warm  
weather.
At first misery was what I felt.
But we got warm weather sooner than expected and I enjoyed seeing him melt.


Details | I do not know? | |

Green and pissed off

(This is a fictional poem)

You put dye in my friend's water supply and turned his skin green.
I knew you were a low life but I didn't know you were that mean.
People laugh at him wherever he goes.
Children have rocks that they throw.
My friend got revenge by telling your wife about your girlfriend who is twenty-two.
Your wife beat you to a bloody pulp and then she pissed on you.
You've been talking about pulling another prank but I wouldn't if I were you.
Because if your wife finds out about your new girlfriend, it's untelling what she'll 
do.


Details | Quatrain | |

Good, Now Gone Bad

Behind the door, I know she’s there
She’s waiting silently and ever still
But, I can hear her breathing hard
To not open the door, takes some will

I am weak and I want her bad
She’s my desire, my heart she robbed
So I will enter, yes, I will
Damn door’s locked, I can’t turn the knob

Oh damn, she’s up, the moment’s lost
She had to come and turn the key
Then I entered with yet high hopes
But she assured, there’s none for me

So I then sulked and left the room
Sat in the dark with just my gloom


Details | Light Poetry | |

Crumb Cake

I've finally figured it out!
I really have!!
Why they call it crumb cake...
I should have known....
I was blind,
But now I see,
My wife Grace,
Told it to me!
Yes, It's amazing Grace...
Why it's called that...
It's because it tastes crummy.......


Details | I do not know? | |

Socks

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife got mad and nearly caved my head in with a rock.
She got mad because all I bought her for Christmas was a pair of socks.
She used all of her money to buy me a big screen television.
Being a cheapskate turned out to be a really bad decision.
That was a gift that she really hated.
She grabbed a knife and now I'm castrated.
Now I get laughed at by lots of men.
I bought my wife socks but never again.


Details | Free verse | |

The love of my life.

                                               
                               The love of my life
                                     Is my wife.
                          However there is another
                               woman I adore.
                             She has four wheels
                                     two doors.
                             Instead of blond
                        she is metallic blue.
                      She hasn't got long legs
                           the wide tires do.
                       She is my brand  new Porsche
                           and I love her so.
                     I promised I would get her when I 
                                          was young.
                          Now I am old and gray
                         she is here to stay.
                       Some say I pamper her
                        more than the wife.
                     Some even say
                  she has taken over my life.
                What ever people say
                      its not true
                  I love both of you.

    
                            

                                 
                                     


 


Details | I do not know? | |

Married more times than Elizabeth Taylor

(This is a fictional poem)

A couple of my wives left because of the way they were treated.
But most of them left because I cheated.
My last wife left because I have the mouth of a sailor.
I've been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor.
Is adultery really grounds for a divorce?
When I ask my therapist, he says of course.
I've been married eighteen times and I'm only thirty-six.
When I get married, my wives usually leave pretty damn quick.
When it comes to a certain part of my anatomy, I'm not well-endowed.
That doesn't help and neither does having the face of a sow.


Details | I do not know? | |

I lost a thousand bucks

(This is a fictional poem)

I lost a thousand bucks when I bet on a horse.
My wife was so mad that she got a divorce.
She's usually a lady who has a lot of class.
But before she left, she shoved a red hot fireplace poker up my ___.


Details | I do not know? | |

Married with children

(This is a fictional poem)

Compared to me Al Bundy lives like a king.
I made a big mistake when I gave my wife her engagement ring.
She's given birth six times and each time she had twins.
I'd rather have my wiener cut off than to become a dad again.
My wife weighs five hundred pounds and the groceries cost five hundred dollars 
a week.
I dread the future because it's bound to get more bleak.
Four of my kids are thugs and three of them are nerds.
One of them drinks out of the toilet and today he swallowed a turd.
My house hasn't been cleaned in five years and it smells just like a sewer.
I'm upset because my wife is horny and wants me to do her.
If you want to improve my life, I'll tell you how.
Get a gun and put me out of my misery now.


Details | Free verse | |

oneword.com

Incandescentallaisticproblematicalabrationistical.

Dictionary entry number one:

incandescentallaisticproblematicalabrationistical

sounds like:

en-can-dee-scent-alley-is-tic-pr_ob-lem-attic-all-a-bray-shun-is-tickle.

eye was searching eye was looking to impress my emporess 

my emporess is not easily impressed she is much smarter

than the rest and her beauty is mine to keep 

eye decided to invent a word to create a new word

a new language of love just for fun and just for ewe and just for love

and just because so eye found myself at oneword.com

The definition of this created word:

    Definition one:

    new words are so fun

    they exist only in time

    for us to overcome

N. This word is a noun.

Found at oneword.com
  
   
    
   
   


Details | I do not know? | |

Son of a #####

(This is a fictional poem)

You used my credit cards to buy stereos, 4 wheelers, motorcycles and even a car.
I owe a ton of money because of your sorry ###, this time you've gone too far.
I told you that you could use one of my cards in an emergency but you maxed 
them all out on the internet.
When I made you eat horse manure and crammed a bird's nest up your ###, it 
was something you began to regret.
The buzzard saw her nest sticking out of your ### and she landed on your head.
I thought you'd take it like a man but you cried like a little girl instead.
That buzzard pecked out your eyes and #### in your hair.
I video taped it and showed it to your fiance who wasn't there.
When she saw it, she dumped you on the same day the two of you were going to 
get hitched.
I learned that the stuff you bought couldn't go back because you gave it away and 
I called you a son of a #####.
Your mama got mad because she heard me call you an S.O.B.
She grabbed me by the throat and beat the crap out of me.
When I pay those credit card bills and my hospital bill, I'll be a very poor man.
As soon as I get out of this hospital, I'm going to get as far away from you two as I 
can.


Details | Free verse | |

Serendipity

Planners plan and dreamers dream,
plotters plot and schemers scheme,
but I can tell you with utmost certainty:
not everything can be explained that easily.

Let me tell you a tale to drive home my point.

There was this bookworm who often came to the library
where one day he caught sight of a chick in the hallway;
she returned his gaze and something must have sparked,
it happened quite so easily just like a walk in the park.

“Hi,” he said and demurely she answered “Hello”.
“You’re a new face here, aren’t you?” he inquired.
“Yes, but aren’t you, too?” the girl coyly replied...
and they burst out giggling, breaking the ice.

He gave her his name and she told him hers,
both discovering they loved old Agatha Christie;
the very reason why they were in that same library -
to learn about spies, intrigues and life's mysteries.

“How about a quick bite in the cafeteria?” he then asked.
“That’s not bad at all,” she winked, “as long as you pay.”
between sips of soda they spilled out tidbits in their lives 
like long-lost friends making up for days long past.
 
He asked her for her number which she gave right away,
then begged if he could drop by her place any time soon,
to which she answered “I’ll shoot you if you don’t come”;
just like that, no sweat, it was a breeze and they were on.

Before you know it the young boy and the shy girl got hitched
and after twenty five happy years they had four crazy kids;
don’t you laugh at this tale, I know what I’m talking about -
that good-looking guy is me and that pretty girl is my wife!

You’ve been patient and I don’t want to bore you with a long story,
I know PoetrySoup has a limit to how much I am allowed to say;
folks, just remember the moral of this story: not everything in life
can be attributed to planning, dreaming, plotting and scheming -
don’t ever dismiss this wonderful thing called Serendipity.


Details | Lyric | |

relax your mind

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we cant waste no time

boy im feelin you
im hungry for you
if you do it right
a sista, might cook for you

plz dont say a word
im takin over (yeah) "word"
ima take it slow
up and down
i grind real slow

you climbing up the stairs
until ive reached my peak
you plugged real deep
then you erupted me

creme filin, oozin
my mind im, losin
i like the way you take control
this feelin-taken over me

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we can do it all night

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we cant waste no time


Details | I do not know? | |

Peek-a-boob

(This is a fictional poem. I'm really not married.)

My wife wound up with a crop of rotting vegetables that really stunk.
She had trouble unloading them because they smelled worse than a skunk.
Some people would get mad and throw the vegetables in her face.
They smelled so bad that it made her puke all over the place.
She took off her top one day because of the sweltering heat.
Lots of men came and bought every vegetable she had just to get a peek.


Details | I do not know? | |

Vegetarian

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is a vegetarian and she wants me to be one too.
She's forbidding me to eat meat, what am I going to do?
If she has her way, I'll never eat another whopper.
She's a monster, somebody has to stop her.
I can't continue to go without any meat.
I just opened the door and tossed her out in the street.


Details | I do not know? | |

I am man, hear me roar!

(This is a fictional poem)

I am man, hear me roar!
After having sex fifteen times last night, my wiener sure is sore.
My wife wants lots of sex and she likes it rough.
We do it over and over, she can't get enough.

She never gets tired, it's too much for my poor little penis to take.
We've done it over ten thousand times, I wish she'd give me a break.
I am man, hear me roar!
I wish my wife would leave, I can't take anymore.


Details | I do not know? | |

68E

(This is a fictional poem)

She has 68E breasts and she loves to exercise.
She does jumping jacks everyday and she gets black eyes.
Her parents think her husband is hitting her so they beat the crap out of him.
They keep seeing her with black eyes so they beat him up again and again.
He doesn't deserve the beatings he receives.
Today he told his wife to stop exercising or to get her breasts reduced or he'll 
leave.


Details | I do not know? | |

Building a bride

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm like Doctor Frankenstein because I'm trying to create life.
I've been collecting women's body parts and now I'm building myself a wife.
She has a body like Pamela Anderson's but she has the brain of someone who's 
a bore.
I gave her the brain of Al Gore.
I just finished putting her together and she's opening her eyes.
She's screaming because I'm ugly and I know that I'm despised.
She said she could find sexier guys at a Bill Gate's look alike contest.
I can tell by her behavior that she's not impressed.
I just gave her two choices, marry me or be put to death.
The ##### just drank some poison and killed herself.


Details | I do not know? | |

Cuckoo

(This is a fictional poem)

When my friend watches TV and movies, he believes that everything is real.
He was eventually committed and now he's taking pills.
When he watched ET, he really believed that aliens had landed.
He watched reruns of Gilligan's Island and he thought they were really stranded.
After watching Star Wars, he got mad because it didn't work when he tried to use 
the force.
His wife had had all she could take so she got a divorce.
After watching Early Edition, he told his paperboy that he wanted his newspapers 
to start arriving a day early.
The paperboy told him that he needed help because he was squirrely.
When he met Brandon Routh, he told him that he wouldn't tell people that his 
secret identity is Clark Kent.
Routh called a mental institution and that's where my friend went.
I wonder if he'll ever realize that the stuff in TV shows is fake.
He may but there's no telling how long or how much medication it will take.


Details | Free verse | |

Gal Friday

Some quizative soul,
Wanted to know about that phrase...
Simple enough...
Nothing to leave you a'daze...

See, Friday in the office...
Is the end of the week...
So you gotta make sure...
That your secret don't leak...
Like her calling you at home...
Creating quite a stir...
Your wife now demanding...
If there's something going on,
with her...
So on Friday you tend...
To treat your girl Friday
extra good....
Say the right words...
Doing all that you could....
To keep her sated all
weekend...
You don't want her to become...
Another Mother Hen...
So if you're a wife,
And Hubby dresses
His best each Friday...
Just take the big hint...
And here's what to say....

"You dirty @^^q$$+(!g&...
That seems quite succinct,
And let him know for sure...
You're in power,,
The pens inked...
He'd better show up
on Monday...
With candy, flowers,
and a big raise...
Or you'll bop him one good,
And leave him adaze!!


Details | ABC | |

My Cerification

I've worked hard to have my franchise 
I am surrounded by bleach blondes with green eyes 
I was no homecoming king, I received no coronation 
Please take a stab at my certification 
I don't study the existence of life 
I am a working man, no time for a wife 
My certification is not a Biologist 
No study of the mind, I am not a Psychologist 
I've gone to the school of hard knocks 
My business covers many city blocks 
Every night is a celebration 
I have yet to tell you my certification 
I don't like Dinosaurs, I am not a Paeleontologist 
I can't put anyone in a trance, I am no Hypnotist 
My education is from up and down the streets 
I am not on doughnut patrol, I don't walk a beat 
I am definitely not into Claymation 
Are you still in suspense about my certification? 
I am no womanizer looking for a tryst 
You can scratch an actor off your list 
I am no Polar Bear coming out of hibernation 
Soon I will reveal my certification 
I am not into sports, I am no Analyst 
My work is tax free, I don't have to deal with the I.R.S 
I have no fruit baskets on a sofa, I am not a Psychiatrist 
I will now tell you, I am a Pimpologist 
Now that you know, keep in mind how much dough I make 
No cheap wine, no pot pies, just champagne, shrimp and steak 
Constant growth, all women are welcome to become part of an industry leader 
Most of my women come from men who are wife beaters 
I hook my women up with my patented 201k plan 
I am the CEO, I am the man 
5-2-9 can give you my specifications 
5-2-9 helped me achieve my certification


Details | I do not know? | |

Bumble Bee

(This is a fictional poem)

My damn wife did something awful to me.
She gave me a sandwich that contained a bumble bee.
When I took a bite, I got the shock of my life.
It was then that I realized that I have a _____ for a wife.
She did this just because I slept with her sister.
For some reason it really pissed her.
She somehow thinks that what I did was wrong.
If she gets mad about adultery, how will she handle a real problem when it 
comes along?
She thinks I'm a jerk just because I don't feel remorse.
Can you believe that her mother actually suggested a divorce?


Details | I do not know? | |

36D

(This is a fictional poem. I'm not really married.)

My wife never wears a bra.
She lost her top and her 36D breasts was what my neighbor saw.
As he looked, he was in awe.
He took a picture and I broke his jaw.


Details | I do not know? | |

Full house

(This is a fictional poem)

It's very frustrating because fifteen people live in my house.
Six of them are my relatives and the rest are relatives of my spouse.
We're packed in like sardines and I can't even breathe.
I've tried and tried but I can't get the freeloaders to leave.
They eat all of my food and I've never been reimbursed.
My wife wants me to leave but I was here first.
My brother-in-law got my sister pregnant and she's going to have twins.
I want somebody to shoot me to get me out of this mess that I'm in.


Details | I do not know? | |

Late again

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is late again, what am I going to do?
If she's pregnant, this will make child number twenty-two.
I should've had a vasectomy or she should've had her tubes tied.
We couldn't stop making love no matter how hard we've tried.
I love my children and when they say they love me, it makes my heart melt.
But I can't keep going through this, does anybody know where I can buy my wife a 
chastity belt?


Details | I do not know? | |

Father-in-law

(This is a fictional poem)

My father-in-law is so old that his first friend was Barney Rubble.
When he comes to my house, he causes nothing but trouble.
I can hear him coming when I hear his old bones creak.
He pees all over himself every time he tries to take a leak.
He tries to get my wife to leave me every time he comes.
He eats all of our food and then he gets drunk on my rum.
When he visits, he gets mad and raves and rants.
I want to see the look on his face when I put a lobster down his pants.
He's coming over tonight and I'm going to break a lot of his bones.
I'm going to raise hell until he leaves me alone.


Details | I do not know? | |

I slept with my brother's wife

(This is a fictional poem)

I slept with my brother's wife and now he's getting a divorce.
He used me for a punching bag and I began to feel remorse.
I couldn't resist his wife when I saw her wearing that tight sweater.
My brother broke most of my bones and it took me months to get better.
When I told my brother that his wife is easy, he had a fit.
But you know she has to be easy because I weigh 600 pounds and I'm a man 
who has great big tits.
When I pinched a nurse's ###, her husband beat me up too and my body sure 
did ache.
If I ever have to fight another woman's husband, I'm going to make sure that he's 
someone I can take.