I was changing a tire and the neighbor walked by
Stood and looked a while, then he said Hi
Got a flat? he asked and this made me grin
I said no, just changing the old air and putting new stuff in.
Was coughing and sneezing. My throat was on fire
Got a bad cold? My wife did inquire
No, it's not really bad. It is a good one
I love watery eyes and watching my nose run.
I was on a bus and on my newspaper I sat
The guy next to me asked "Are you reading that"
I said yes. Reading through your butt is all the new rage.
Then I stood up and turned the page.
Dentist hit a nerve and I came up out of the chair
Did that hurt? He asked as though he really did care.
I said no, there was a spiritual woman I used to date
And she was teaching me how to levitate.
I hit a pothole with my car one night
It made such a loud noise it gave my wife a fright
Didn't you see it she began to cry
Of course I did. I hit it. Didn't I.
Once I tripped on one of my little guy's toys
Fell down the stairs and my wife heard the noise
Did you miss a step? She screamed from the hall
I said "No Dear, I think I hit them all."
Lemme tell ya' about a
I met her one night
under disco lights
up at Candies
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see
if I wanted a piece
by way of flashin' granny panties
actin' a fool
took a shot
and one tiny glance
but got caught
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"
"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl"
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"
Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to
"Get this he/she outta the place!"
My pleas were to no avail,
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail
Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked,
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
to hit the bricks,
and yir' Granny Panties!"
At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me
I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!
It's a night I thought would never end...
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!
There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
A DINNER INVESTMENT (for Eve)
My husband Chris Adams loves to wine and dine my needs
In the most expensive places, one can eat.
Arriving in LIMO style
A humble waiter greets
After I viewed the menu I replied,
"Hun I am ready to order."
A T-bone steak -- fully cook the meat.
At our table, walked a gorgeous snake-eyed women
She leaned over my husband's seat
Approaching Chris with a big wet kiss
I stomped on my husband's foot
I gave him the look, of all looks
She slithered with her tongue in Adams ear
"Go to that hotel and relax, I need some cash"
With one stare I yelled, "Chris how dare you cheat!"
"I had enough, I want a divorce MR. ADAMS!"
I reach over to slap him,
He replies, "She is my mistress Bath-Sheba my dear EVE!"
"I do not love her."
"I understand if you want a divorce!" Mr. Adams replied.
"But, remember, no more furs, luxury suite,
Winters in Barbados,
Summers in Tuscany."
"Infinity or Lexus, and first class plane seats."
"Forget about the Yacht Club."
"Party by the swimming pool, that land a hundred feet."
"It is up to you my Kitty Skat Eve to give it all up."
"You decide if these diamonds you want to keep."
Without thinking of taking a leap.
I saw Mr. Adams business partner Cain with a Jezebel in his arms.
I ask my husband Chris in a small peep.
"Do not tell me that Cain commits Adultery too?"
"Cain's blonde looks really cheap as if she works the street."
"Well, our mistress is prettier and looks real sweet."
"Honey, our mistress Bath-Sheba is worth the keep."
"Mr. Adams tonight you can call me Steve and not Eve,
Whatever it takes to satisfy your needs plus my gold lust!"
(The moral of the story is what some Eve's
will do to keep their investment, I mean Adam's.)
A joke and dedication to Chris D. Aechtner
For THE Eve in Eden* (Contest) *
In this world of Uncertainties
I’m the man that you can trust
And in my words of sincerity
That my love would never last.
And if you could only feel, what i feel for you
You can ask me “why?” so you can see the truth
Like our love that tightens the rope,
Like a light that would give us hope.
As you watch the dark skies
Let me grab the moon for you,
And as I catch the bright stars
That’s the way you can see me through
As this planet turns as it always will
And things go wrong and you don’t know what to feel
Hold my hand for it will make us strong
Like a wind, we will carry on
The wind blow that sings a hymn for you
For they know what does love means for the two
Love is blind, and not deaf
So how’s success if you’re not ready to bet?
In this poem with full of rhymes,
A full of love, Babe can you be mine?
I don’t expect too much from you
Why should I? If you complete my whole.
“Till death do us part” that’s what they have said
But why do struggles crash them ahead?
Don’t ask me when my love will last,
To count all of our quarrels, is that a must?
Now and Forever is all that I promise
No day dreaming and without reminiscence
As the matter of time, as the time passes by
Together we stand, together you and I
A poem for my Girlfriend for our anniversary :)
pls comment and rate... you are free to judge and criticize my work :) God Bless
I splashed out on this greetings card,
It cost me 50p,
I thought that you were worth it,
For putting up with me.
But yours, I know, will cost far more,
(Perhaps a quid or two),
But that’s because I’m worth far more,
For putting up with you.
I shall daily visit the beauty parlor
And make myself beautiful for you.
I shall never clean the house
So that my skin is not tarred.
I shall ever watch my figure,
Eating calorie less foods and drinks.
I shall stay home all day
And will never be stay at home mom
But will go for Disco at night.
I shall not take drugs
But a drink or two in limits.
I shall awake late in the morning
So that you are not disturbed.
I shall adorn the house to earn
Adjectives from the neighbours.
I shall buy the furniture to invent
Nouns to be told to the visitors.
Our house will be all pronouns
But will never admit verbs as
They shake the very foundation.
*** I wrote this poem much earlier noticing a young married woman of a modest family adopting the modern living going astray from the household chores *** Based on a real
The poem was posted on 1/16/2007
Dr. Ram Mehta
Tenth place win in:
Contest: Any Twisted Poem sponsored by Destroyer A Poet
An old herbal gard’ner turned bard
dedicated and well-versed
now works his pen from his backyard
in plants and poems immersed.
His choice nouns engender meaning
cleverly minted with scents.
Rare verbs gingerly gleaning
from time’s savory essence.
Somewhat focused on composing
but nettled by a drizzle;
causes his brain to fizzle.
Lo! His inspiration now gone
like the ink upon his page.
Mrs. Bard calls from the lawn
“I just watered the sage.”
During their courting days into her limpid eyes he would gaze.
When in his arms his many charms set her very soul ablaze!
The sweet nothings once whispered when they would bill and coo,
Became table-thumping screaming matches once they said, "I Do!"
BEFORE: My dearest one, you take my very breath away!
AFTER: I feel like I am suffocating - now get out of my way!
BEFORE: You have a divine figure akin to that of a Grecian figurine!
AFTER: You there, with the beer belly! To call me obese is obscene!
BEFORE: I can hardly believe we were lucky enough to find each other!
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you! Oh, brother!
BEFORE: Honey, I don't have much money but I promise to get you some!
AFTER: Take a look around this dump! Go and find a job you no good bum!
BEFORE: Tonight it's a show and then to the Ritz for oysters on the shell!
AFTER: Fish sticks with beer and wrestling on TV again tonight! Oh, hell!
BEFORE: Without you, my darling, it is as if time was standing still!
AFTER: This relationship isn't going anywhere except straight downhill!
BEFORE: Sweetheart, our marriage will always be one of equal partnership!
AFTER: You are nothing but a controlling, egomaniac you big drip!
BEFORE: On our fiftieth wedding anniversary you'll still be my bride!
AFTER: Well, we finally made it to our fiftieth but it's been a rocky ride!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Paradise In A Dream
There is so much weighing me down
The daily toils of doing what others want
Screaming kids fighting all day long
Another four hours of Dora The Explorer
Trying to cook dinner with nothing in the cupboards
Every member of the family wanting something different
Hot dogs for the youngest
Mac and cheese for the little girl who won’t eat anything
Cheese steak sandwiches for the adults
There is a fashion show on the TV for my wife
The basketball playoffs can wait for another day
I haven’t seen a Celtics game in more than ten years
A fuse blows in the middle on the evening
Those basement stairs were not meant for a man my size
Finally the time has come for a peaceful sleep
Until my daughter finds a monster under her bad
Screaming and crying while I scare the monster away
I close my eyes as the moon rises
The witching hour when the dead rises
My dreams take me away to a paradise
The tropical sun tans my half naked body
Naked women chase each other on empty beaches
No kids, no wife and no fashion shows
Too bad morning and another day has to come
Too bad that I love my wife and kids
Otherwise I just might stay asleep
"Where did you put it?,"I don't know,it must be over there"
"It isn't I just told you!,"Well I don't really care!"
"You said you put it up somewhere,now where the hell is it?"
"Ive looked,and searched every bloody where,and i still cannot find it".
"So what,what else is new,you always say the same",
"As if ,that on this planet earth,there is no-one else to blame".
"Well I really need it,you know I do,I'd appreciate the help".
"Now,that's better,talk to me nice,and watch out for your bloody self".
"Here it is,I told you it was,why don't you listen to me?"...
"Sometimes,you really amaze me,it's as if you could'nt see".
"Well I'm sorry,I really am,but I'm kind of in a rush";
"Shh,don't say anything,please don't speak,I wish you would just hush."
"Well,Im off then,I'll see you later,I'll be home in time for tea".
"So what",I say,whatever you reckon,Thank God,now there's only just me.
(This is a fictional poem)
My wife is an alien and this morning she laid an egg.
She may be green but she has a great pair of legs.
She has two large antennas that are on her head.
She's smarter than Einstein but she's lousy in bed.
The egg will hatch next month and when it does, we'll have a little tyke.
It will be half human and half alien, I'm scared of what it will look like.
My wife is ugly and people usually scream after they've seen her.
We just got in a big fight over finances and she bit off my wiener.
We were deeply in love but now she's my foe.
If an alien proposes to you, you'd better say no.
***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***
"Storm over yet...?"
"Well hay'ell ye'ah!
sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
whadda'bou that boy th'er?
sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"
"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"
na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm!
torna'durr warnin' too!
he gonna have him'a cole burr;
mama, git him'a cole burr!
ta'days father's day!"
© 2011 ~JSLambert Esquire
It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.
So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked? Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.
You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.
It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”
“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.
So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.
She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”
ALTERNATE LAST VERSE
“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.
A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.
Hell. It was just a joke.
One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”
“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder. That’s Miracle Gro.”
Hell. It was just a joke....I guess.
So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.
I reckon the empty nest syndrome hits all at one time or another,
When youngsters flee the nest leaving dear old Dad and Mother!
This morning on the patio I witnessed this situation at its best,
When two baby wrens took flight and left their parent's cozy nest!
Mr. and Mrs. Wren set up housekeeping in a birdhouse I had made.
They soon became the proud parents of a couple of eggs she laid!
I watched them flit to and fro as they filled the ever-empty maws,
Of their little darlings from grub carried in their over-flowing craws!
Once the kids had spread their wings to experience the thrill of flight,
Mother Wren would sit on the birdhouse porch to contemplate her plight!
She'd plaintively chirp as if to say, "You ingrates left sans saying goodbye!
You've left me and your Pa in this lonely nest to mope about and cry!"
It wasn't long until Mr. Wren was in a romantic mood with his spouse.
When he tried to nuzzle up to Mrs. Wren, she'd scurry inside the house,
As if to say, "No way, buster! I've had it! Cool it until next spring!
Perhaps when the cherry blossoms bloom again we'll have another fling!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
I knew I was in danger
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.
Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.
Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."
A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.
When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.
You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet
With Viagra and beer."
Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.
Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.
Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.
She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”
When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.
The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.
As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.
So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.
While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband,
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.
When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.
“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"
She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor. I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”
Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.
You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance. He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"
I do not know?
Dave, who when his time came to retire
Thought he'd have a quiet life
But instead he soon discovered
That he had a nagging wife.
He acquired an allotment to pass the time
An hour or two of solitude out of the house.
A relaxing day in the summer sun.
Far away from the over bearing spouse.
Then one day he had a shock.
While relaxing with a cold beer.
In the distance, rolling down the path,
A nightmare come true, his worst fear.
His wife came ever closer.
Wearing a massive grin.
She put out her arms to greet.
And kissed him on the chin.
'I have come to help you'
She said with a smile.
'I will come here every day.
And be with you for a quite a while'
Now he did not fancy this one bit.
And tried gently to decline.
But his wife insisted. and said together
They must spend more time.
So he asked her 'what would you like to do.?'
'Oh just give me the spade.' she said.
So reluctantly he did as she asked
And brought the spade down on her head.
Then he dug a fresh new plot.
And buried her in the ground.
Her skill in the garden was proved true.
With a good harvest all year round.
But he was eventually caught.
And how was most absurd.
For his wife had the final say.
As always had the last word.
Of his fruit and veg Dave was proud
Set up a business, sold door to door.
Until somebody noticed something sprout.
It was not a spring onion they saw.
Dave goes over the day again and again.
As in his cell he lingers.
For what was seen poking out the ground.
Were two solitary green fingers.
I do not know?
(This is a fictional poem)
I wanted to watch the king of Queens but I'm watching golf instead.
I'm too lazy to walk over to the set now that the batteries in the remote are dead.
I'm so bored as I watch these damn golfers putt.
I ordered my wife to change the channel and she kicked me in the nuts.
I can't stand this boredom, I want to be put out of my misery.
I'll be watching a lot of golf because I'm too cheap to buy new batteries.
Piggable - Jiggable
Ivan the Terrible
Strangely proposed to
Made her refuse him
And spoil his fun.
Firehaired love of my life;
She's almost all Cab, with a dash of Shiraz spice.
A deep and complicated, earthy wife
Who's ruby sparkle in the looking glass
Lingers long upon my vision, soft and nice;
The All-of-Her bouquet, I cannot pass.
She may prefer to drink her Cabs,
But the red-maned lioness is pure Bourdeaux.
Her brightness fills a room, and quickly nabs
Away all weak indifference.
The complexity of her shines and glows;
The product of some special provenance.
These ladies make my life divine,
An enviable medly of song and wine.
They may well land on the "NO FLY" List,
For being such charming Terroirists.
Goodbye Johnny Walker
I swear I’m in a nightmare
I know it’s some bad dream
this craving for the deadly juice
is nothing new it seems
Our life is one long quarrel,
a battle no one can win
Am I paying a kind of penance,
for some past life of sin?
I won’t put up with this forever
the smell or wavering gait,
If I stay with you much longer,
I’ll surely be tempting my fate
A soul that’s soaked with liquor,
with breath to ignite a match
But your handsome looks so deceiving
I naively believed you a catch!
You’ll promise it’s the last time,
say you’re done… that it’s the end!
But in me you see a nagging wife,
while in the bottle - a comforting friend
Tell me exactly how, I can win,
or compete with something so pure?
What kind of psychological jargon,
would even up the score?
This demon is so elusive,
someone, somewhere, please advise me
What spirits will finally convince you
to seek your desired sobriety!
I live my life with a woman who likes to collect recipes
That all sound very delicious as she reads them to me
Some are to be once seen,but then never to be made
So I feel they should remain on the pages they once stayed
Some are collected then placed neatly in a book
Others are thrown into a drawer maybe for a future look
But that future day never comes when they will be made
Though in that big drawer and cabniet is where they all stay
She has collected many magazines and printed out many from on line
It would sure be nice to taste some of them she has collected over time
As they were placed in that cabinet and drawer only never to be made
Most of them hidden from my taste buds where those recipes have stayed
I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,
“He’s here at the bar
Quick bring us your car,
Your husband just got in a brawl”
By the time you read this
You may think I’m insane
But I have to lay it out
So you can see it clear and plain
My wife, my true love,
Her name is Jane
She is perfect in every way
And just as insane
She has the qualities that
Every man would desire
But to her I am the only one
That she wants to admire
You think J Lo’s figure is somewhat tasty?
And her main feature, to men would be her ass
But my Jane excels and makes J Lo look cheap
Jane’s ass and perky breast, Ooh Lord, they have class
She loves me like a miser loves money
She drips with sexuality, sweeter than honey
Oh this woman of mine almost broke my back
Six times I thought I was going to have a heart attack
So you may say get a life
But this is my tribute to my sexy wife
She is, everything to me
She is the sister of Glen
My good, my best imaginary friend
I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”
My wife is either a spook or a goat
I wish She must fall in a Texas moat
In our wedding night
I had a frost bite
And she made love to my bright yellow coat
There once was a husband in heaven
His faults per hour averaged seven
In spite of all of his rot
His wife would scold not
Ah, this husband was living in heaven!
Contest: Husbands are in Heaven whose wives scold not (Top Ten Winner)
Sponsored by: Dr.Ram Mehta