PENNED ON AUGUST 14, 2014!
Lemme tell ya' about a
I met her one night
under disco lights
up at Candies
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see
if I wanted a piece
by way of flashin' granny panties
actin' a fool
took a shot
and one tiny glance
but got caught
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"
"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl"
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"
Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to
"Get this he/she outta the place!"
My pleas were to no avail,
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail
Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked,
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
to hit the bricks,
and yir' Granny Panties!"
At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me
I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!
It's a night I thought would never end...
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!
Simple Mathematics, really.
To eliminate one component
To solve a problem quickly.
I’ll form the problem into a manageable state,
By easily eliminating an unwanted variable.
Now, just what variable to eliminate?
First, I will multiply the X by two.
That’s the first step. Done, I feel fine.
I will multiply the Y too.
Now, I add my X plus X.
My Y plus Y.
That was to make sure it checks.
Now here’s the predicament (easy my shoe!)
This is my problem,
And a real head-scratcher too!
The equation adds up nicely
And the X and Y are simplified.
But, how do I eliminate my algebra homework
My darling enigma, my dove
You’re the epitome of my love
Your smile shines at me pearly white
Pale skin shines and glints in the light
Silken locks, obsidian flow
Eyes just like ice, crystalline glow
Peals of laughter ring like a bell
Enchant me; I’m under your spell
You walk with a musical flow
Tiptoeing with softness through snow
But, alas, you open your mouth
Utter tripe spilling out
If only you’d keep your mouth shut.
(Love from Anonymous)
Extraordinary, I am
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding the gift I shouldn't fought
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
The food of my soul
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart
Cinderella Bites Back
Once upon a story; in a fairy tail
lived a shy and lonely girl
who's friends were Mop and Pail
She was really quite a clever girl,
but suffered hate and spite
until an invitation came
and she wished with all her might
‘if only I could go to the ball’
she cried when no one was around
then out of a tiny hole
she heard the faintest sound
'Of course you can go to the ball
What makes you think you can't?'
'Just because that witch said no
doesn’t mean you shan’t!'
'But my dress is in rags
My feet dirty and bare
There's nothing in my closet
that I could really wear'
‘Don't worry’ said the little mouse
for I know just the thing
By the time I've finished
you’ll have a wedding ring
'Oh no’ said Cinderella
that's not what I had in mind
I was rather hoping for a career;
a chance to serve mankind
The mouse thought for a moment
sized up her situation
'It’s not a wardrobe you need
but an education'!
So when you read this story
or listen to this tale
about a sad and lonely girl
with a mop and pail
Remember that the dream you wish
or star you hope to find
has always been there with you,
tucked safely in your mind!
I do not know?
The only one
My heart hopped,
Or I should say ‘stopped’,
I was shocked,
Because with me, he talked!
It’s me, the only one,
Whom he chose,
I’m the luckiest one on the earth,
It is like he has given me a red rose!
I was surprised, he’s so cute!
I stared at him, my voice mute,
It was like I was on cloud nine,
As if we were going to dine!
I was fully filled with glee,
The other girls did envy me,
He’s the handsomest, of all men,
And I said, “Yes, you can take my pen.”
I do not know?
Just a few more sips
And I'm loving the taste of you on my lips
I like the way you move in my mouth
And when you start to head down south
You are the one I love in deed
Because Coca-Cola you're all I need.
I do not know?
This is a poem in class
3rd period to be exact
Lotion smelling all good
Because it’s seaweed extract
With my red K- Swiss
Other girls envy
‘cus they wish they could taste this.
And lace this
Ladies just face it
Me myself is too complex
And y’all are too basic
I’m confident in my looks
That’s me being honest
Some say I am handsome
I say “No” to be modest
6 foot and 1 inch tall
Most haters want to test me
Blatant and/or indirectly
It makes me feel good when their girls say I’m sexy
But check me
Outside of my school
I’m a fresh young man
Even in my uniform I look cool
I am so self-confident
I am not conceited
I will remain the same
Even when my looks are depleted
Besides all the crime and drama
I love this world.
‘Cus behind every guy like myself
Is a sexy ass girl
I know a dollar worth of dimes
But only one of them is mine
And when ol’ girl step on the scene
The whole scene shine
She hot like fire
She makes other niggaz melt
‘Cus them niggaz wish they
Could feel what I felt
As my heart moves
To the beat of her drums
Her hotness gives me heartburn
Now I am taking Tums
Not the original
But extra pain relief
She has the mythical booty…I mean beauty
The goes beyond belief
I got a queen in the making
Sizzling like bacon
Every other couple compared to us
Is just faking and waiting
Waiting for their time to shine
And the chance to recover what’s mine
They are mad because
Their status in society has declined
It’s plain to see
They want to be where I be at
They will never be like us
But why can’t they see that?
White board…names written hori-
To go pee…right when class starts –
THAT’S just wrong…
Of students who have bladder
Problems – WOW!
Not using lunchtime to do
No one knows
When to do their duties – SER-
I do not know?
***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***
"Storm over yet...?"
"Well hay'ell ye'ah!
sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
whadda'bou that boy th'er?
sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"
"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"
na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm!
torna'durr warnin' too!
he gonna have him'a cole burr;
mama, git him'a cole burr!
ta'days father's day!"
© 2011 ~JSLambert Esquire
Like sick allergies,
Boredom can be passed around
I call it: THE BOREDOM DISEASE
Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!
Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination !
I think my brother’s a werewolf!
It’s hard to believe but so true!
At dusk he is like a great beast!
He’s hairy and scary; bearded too!
He’s never around in the daytime.
He sneaks out with a creepy girl.
I have a feeling that someday,
she’ll eat his gross flesh... and then hurl!
I see red bumps on his forehead
that count the days ‘till a full moon.
I sure hope he’s not contagious!
Or I’ll be a werewolf quite soon!
Scratching his head doing homework!
Wetting his bed while he’s asleep!
These are just a few of the signs
proving that he’s a monstrous creep!
I went to my mother and told her
about my brother superbly.
Then she giggled and simply said,
“Dear, he’s going through puberty!”
waking up and
we hit the sun
in a hurry
don't you worry
just come along
and have some fun
stop all that lookin'
at what we're cookin'
like we're crooked dudes
not Maui WoW-Wee
our THC days iz' done.
Walk Of Shame
Did you see that girl walk by?
I can tell, she got a guy
It's 9am, her hair's a mess
Sunday morning in a party dress?
Mascara run, lipstick smeared
She thought, this hour, all coasts were cleared
Oh but no, her I did see
And as she stumbled, she saw me
High heels on, cell in hand
Back to the dorms, she walked on Grand
Walk of shame, oh how you expose
The true nature of the hoes
Guys wake up to chill on their lawn
As freshmen girls grudgingly pursue on
Calling out, "Well how was your night!?"
Girls wish their walk was out of sight
I just laugh and point them out
More so notifying all via shout
"Walk of Shame, that is you!"
These young girls, they've got no clue
The ones who get it, then take off
Again next weekend, it's never enough
Get any guy, hooking up's their game,
But each time regretting the walk of shame.
You might think I judge too hard
Not giving them the innocent card
I shouldn't talk, I'm such a hypocrite
That was me yesterday morning, I will admit.
braces interlocked - told him no kissing
Tis a lovely day for students are glad
The last day of the school year is anything but sad
No more assignments to study nor papers to write
Students can deal with William Shakespeare at next year’s fight
Textbooks have been returned and stored away
Lockers are cleaned out with nothing to stay
The students rejoice with the last bell’s ringing
But the teachers are doing a happy dance
And tis they who are doing all the singing!!
Watch this scene with both eyes and try not to blink C: -->
I stood there... silently
Like a predator near prey
I sneak behind YOU
You weren't even aware of it!! Ha-ha!
I made YOU jump hIgH
Like a startled hare
I chuckle and smile
You know that mischievous smile of mine?
Your reaction was
PRICELESS - you were so upset
But YOU forgave me
Well...I'm flattered. . .
We laugh'd together (just like the good times)
In a chorus - our volume
Picked up extreme sound
Believe me - I could hear our laughter from a mile away!
But I'm glad I did
My best to make you giggle
Wouldn't you agree?
Here's a tale I've told before
about a silly teenager.
She should have walked into a door
cos' her sense of pride was in danger.
She bought a hot pink bathing suit
with her babysitting money.
Thinking she looked pretty cute
she hoped to impress a honey.
She went to the local swimming pool
wearing this new bikini
hoping that the boys would drool
as the suit was rather teeny!
Jumping off the diving board
it happened so suddenly.
The top of the suit sailed off-oh lord!
And the "girls" were flying free!
Well she stayed in the water till time to go
then captured her top from poolside.
That girl was me I guess you know
and I had nowhere to hide!
The moral of this tale could be
pride goes before a fall.
And if you wear a teeny bikini
make sure it covers all!
As the slaving sun sets on a tiring day,
the moon arrives and shines the clouded darkness away,
little brats--i mean kids--run out to the streets,
yelling and screaming as they run amok through the town,
smiles on their faces; only when their delicious
sweets are taken away, do they frown,
doorbell to doorbell they go,
tossing candy around to and fro,
the hour draws near the time of the wicked witch,
Okay children, run along home, out of the darkness,
out of every cemetery, out of every ditch,
no one wants to be the victim of the evil, and wicked witch.
on this All Hallows Eve,
she calls from her grave,
wanting to live forever, and find her immortal mister,
but she fails every time,
because she can't ever get rid of her annoying,
blond-haired, dimwitted sister.
Freshman year, newcomer to public school,
my hormones were roused by Billy D. in typing class.
Sadie Hawkins’ Dance just days away;
a chance for girls to ask boys out.
Too shy to show my interest,
crumpled bits of paper I formed into balls,
tossed them at the back of Billy’s head.
Unsettled, as any boy would be, he glanced back at me.
Wry smile, how could he know how my heart raced?
Leo sat next to Billy, amused by this interaction.
Because of his demeanor, it was Leo I asked to the dance.
Turned out Leo couldn’t dance,
though conversation was no problem.
Leo spent the entire night talking about being an Eagle Scout --
tying knots, marking trails, building campfires --
seemed we had little in common.
No chemistry at all, but Leo said, “Thank you,” at the dance’s end.
For years I spent many days wondering
what if I’d slipped Billy an invitation note,
instead of lobbing paper balls?
Perhaps he would have said, “Yes.”
I might have had my first embrace;
maybe even my first kiss.
Years later at a school reunion
Billy looked more handsome than ever;
served as CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation.
He introduced me to his pretty wife
as the girl who pitched paper balls at his head.
*True story for Carol Brown’s “First Date” contest. (Some folks were lucky to have
more romantic first dates. LOL)
Who Are They Trying to Impress?
A cross between the bride of Frankenstein
And the Dalmatians’ Cruella De Ville
See teens walking at malls; glad they’re not mine
Absurd appearances give me a chill
Parents with tattoos ride on a Harley
Leather coats and gloves cut off at knuckles
Sprung from these roots that appear so gnarly
Teens upstaging their folks give me chuckles
Written for John Freeman's Boisterous Comedy Contest
change my name
fairly often, I suppose
change my clothes
and Imma' damn gypsy, ya' see
keep it fresh ta' death
speck of blood
ketchup on my attire
got more rhymes
than I got grey hairs
that's an effing lot
because i got my share
hot-fire piece of passionate verse
rare to find
if only poets would
unleash the fury
on their mind...
I must say...
the etc. etc...
would be a less stinky place...
I'd keep my name, and sever ties with
and just go
Soy sauce drains
Into the white, clustered rice
spills . . .
Soy sauce taints
The whiteness of the grain
It slips out of my hands
No use...no point in crying out in rage
Though I was starving,
I'll just eat another thing and start on a new page
I'm hungry like a swine
I wish I can earn back my snack!
I'm as angry as a bull
I'm about ready to attack! Attack!
Soy sauce packages
Fall unto the dirty school ground
By bratty, conceited teens
They really need to eat their greens
Instead of junkfood and pizza
They should drink some water
Instead of drinking sugary drinks or
Sucking on popsicles obnoxiously
Why did the soy sauce spill? Seriously....
Girl Charming Voice
There For The Homies
Cute, Not In That Way
Your love pricks me like a rose each thorn grows but no one knows Your so full of
it as it shows so carry on now go on, go. I'm fed up with the phony and i'm
through with the tears, you couldn't pay me all your money to make up for those
years. Someone help me I feel faint how could I think he was such a saint and
worst of all I let me fall into a spiral down below. A magic called love carried
by the dove of someone I use to know.
Partied all night
Tequila and women
Vomiting all over the place
Lemme tell ya'
about a kid
whose mind is so far down the gutter
he was seen scheming on another kid's mother
at the scene he
whistled and muttered
I'm telling you
little dude is smooth
with more game than Milton Bradley
at nine years old
he already got hold of
College Girls Behaving Badly...
if you think that's bad
lemme tell ya' how mean he's been
at the age of ten
he trashed the pad of his new step dad
and spray painted the place
"Jimmy's Sin Bin"
the world's not yet seen
a preteen kid this mean
the greedy demon's already
a steady petty larcenist
and a slick car thief
if you see him coming
you better start running
if he catches up to you
not much you can do
his sins are many
though his years are few
word on the street
is the kid's straight crazy
he picked a fight with
the Duke's of Hazard
and made out
Courtney Love hates
the little devil
he's a bad MoFo
that shoots more dope
than Kurt Cobain Yo!
this kid's lost his lid
and we're running out of time
an A-Bomb microcosm
of bad parents
who should be embarrassed for
making the world inherit
their seeds of carelessness
heir apparent to
Kamikaze lives of crime
*special thanks to Maryam for explaining a footle to me.