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Funny Son Poems | Funny Poems About Son

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Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

Attention: WORD NERDS--------- The Eight Parts of Speech

---------------------- "Word Nerds" (like me)...
************Please Have Fun & Read VERY Closely:)***********


now and again
a word 
sneakily obscure
approaches the fog in me
screams its name 
suddenly 
apropos adverbs appear
clearly 
startling 
perplexing 
precarious adjectives
slick little nouns
caught hiding 
beyond babbling brooks
sent to exile
defiling crooks
"pro"fessional nouns
jailed
beneath eight parts of speech
preposition'ed 
pre'fixed subjects
elusive predicates
slithering suffix'ation
turn-ing key
delicately 
through holes
freeing vocabulary
trapped 
within prison walls
synonyms 
pen bars 
filled in the past 
participles
plagued 
like Job's tedious job 
of siphoning
deciphering 
homographs from heteronyms 

words never mind...
 
they wind the mind
gliding 
in the wind...





Details | Light Poetry | |

My Visitor

Something catches me form the corner of my eye
No one's home but I swear someone just walked by
There stands a man just beyond the lower stairs
Startled yet I'm not afraid as he looks at me and stares
I wonder who this presence is who's invading my home
He moves shooting a glance at me and proceeds to roam
Who's this strange man in the shadows Is he watching over me
Is there someone else he might be here to see
Once in a while he shows up to let me know he's here
I wonder if he visits  to see someone he holds dear
Is he just letting me know we are not alone
Is he lost and wandering trying to find his way home
This presence some may call a ghost who visits me
My grandson calls him Jack as he can also see
The ghostly presence shows himself just once in a while
When he chooses to drop by he always makes me smile


Details | Rhyme | |

Mother May I

Mother may I 
Go out and play
My child
Have you cleaned your room today

Are your toys packed away
in your toy chest with care
Yes mother yes 
its all in there

Did you make your bed 
like i showed you how
yes mother yes
may I go now

Yes son yes
after a brief inspection
son shakes his head
not what I was expecting

Never-mind mother
I'm going to my room
oh by the way
can you hand me the broom?


Details | Light Poetry | |

' Boot-Legged Mama '

Mama and Daddy was always Love-Dovey
She is His Sweetheart – He is Her Honey
First Love… Real Love  -  Forever True
Pa… I Pray to find A Man Like You…

Daddy Laughed and Put His Arm Round My Shoulder
And Said, “I’ll Tell You Somethin’, Now You’re Older
It’s got to do with Your Mother’s Fame
And Why I gave Her, The Nickname…

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
Blue-jean Shorts and Vintage Tony Lama
Walked thru the Door… of A Liquor Store
… Packaged so Pretty… Pa Just had to Pour

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Ma… Was there, to get 6-packs for A Party…
Pa… Was there, ‘cause of a Taste for Bacardi
He took One Look and Knew He Couldn’t Waste Her
Pa… Gave-up ‘Drank’… Just so He Could Chase her !

Dad, Said, ‘He’d Drowned in Dark-Eyes and Sweet-Aroma
Fine-Wine, Crystal… But Tuff’ Nuff’ to Down-Drama
Pa Claims, Mama’s Labeled by the F.D.A.
And Listed on Her Driver’s License is,  A.K.A.  …

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
 Genuine Woman, Who Made Him Wanna’
Take Her to be His Lawful Moonshine
… Married at Midnight – ‘cross The County-Line

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Alcohol’s in Trauma;  and Prohibition Told Her:
"Boot-Legged Mama… Done Drove Pa Sober !"
Now, Homemade-Hooch… is His Acquired Taste
180 Proof… Kicked All Over His Case !

Right Then, Mama Flowed into The Room
Pa, Teased and Said, “Still Full-Bodied and Perfumed !
Ma Hugged Us, then Handed Me – Old Boots and A Dress…
    (and good advice)… “Go Git’ My Elliot Ness…

               … and be a Boot-Legged Mama!

( Hey !... Did I Hear Somebody, In A Country Drawl ….
          Order Up A Bottle of Kicking Alcohol !
         Well, Here She Is… Y'all ! ...
                  Boot-Legged Mama ….

Well John (Moses) Freeman... You Said You Needed
Somethin' :)  to Read tonight, before kicking up your
heels...  Well, Here It Is (Have Fun - Son)

MoonBee 

 (Thank You For All Your Wonderful Comments
Now, I Can't Get Thru The Door for My Ego.. (Smile)


Details | Light Poetry | |

' El Toro - Rojo '

Como’ Si’ Yama’, Senor’
Como’ Si Yama’, Por Favor’…
… for Below That Embroidered Sombrero’
Shone Eyes Like El Dorado

He Was A Tall and Handsome Hombre’
Like The Range of Sierra Madre’
…Now, He Sat Center The Cantina
Surrounded by Bonita – Senhoritas

He Smiled, “Buenos-Dias Senora’”
Por Favor, Por Que’ El-Hora’ ?...
If So, Have A Seat, Mi- Amiga’
And Mercedes, Bring Over More Cerveza

He Was… Rodrigo Reyes-Pacheco’
Best - of The West, of Vaqueros’
He Came to Compete in The Rodeos
And Win Fame and Fortune in Pesos’

He Came Thru El Paso De’ Tejas
Thru Dusty Rancheros and Mesas
To Ride on El Toro Rojo
Who Has Never Been Ridden Befo’…

La Viva’… Arriva’  … Rodrigo
The Brave and The Bold Caballero’
Champion Bull Rider, from Old Mexico
Vaya’… Con Dios’ !... Rodrigo

Now, El Toro Rojo, Was Dangerous
For Killing Men, El Rojo, Was Infamous
His Horns Had Pierced Many A Corazon
Ripped Flesh, Like It Was Piñata’ Hung

I Informed All of This To Rodrigo
The Hombre, Was Bent on Being Macho’…
… He Would Ride Toro Rojo, Manyana’
Said “Gracias”… But My Cares Were Por Nada’ !

La Viva’… Arriva’… Rodrigo
The Brave and The Bold Caballero’
Champion Bull Rider, from Old Mexico
Vaya’… Con Dios’!... Rodrigo

… Now, He Wasn’t Loco in La Cabeza’
I Just Didn’t Comprehende’ … “Que’ Pasa”
But I Saw Rodrigo Atop… El Rojo 
… ! He Rode Like A Latino – Tornado ! …

He Rode El Rojo, To The End…
Then, Turned ‘Round and Rode Him Again…
Rodrigo had Won… Just Like He Planned…
Because El Toro – Rojo …   …  Was Mexican !

La’ Viva’ … Arriva’ … Rodrigo
The Brave and The Bold Caballero
Champion Bull Rider from Old Mexico
Vaya’ … Con Dios ! … Rodrigo….
Vaya’ … Con Dios !... Rodrigo o o o o o


for Ruben Ortellao... 
I Don't Really Know 
What Your Branch of Humanity is... 
(Spanish, French or Other)
But I thought You Might Like 
This Whimsical Poem...  
Oh... And Thank You For Your 
Most Generous Comments... 
(Cause I Know You Are A Fantastic Poet... 
I've Read Several of Yours 
and I Love Them Too...)

 (P.S.  Excuse the Spelling... 
I'm Spanish Illiterate (Smile)
MoonBee


Details | Sonnet | |

Jabberwacky

I know a scamp who chortles frabjously
as in the springtime galumphing he goes.
And just to show how wacky he can be,
he makes his tongue point up to touch his nose!

He has no wicked claws or eyes with flame
to match those of the manxome Jabberwock.
But just beware his jaws. Although he’s tame,
he can’t be stopped once he begins to talk!

I vouch that he can jabber endlessly
and have me at the end of my short rope.
My ears just might fall off one day, for he
gyres gibberish just like a gyroscope.

I dub my beamish grandson “Jabberwack”
for how he acts and how he loves to yak!


For Debbie Guzzi's "Go Ask Alice" Contest


Details | Burlesque | |

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire

   










Details | Ballad | |

Rubber Duckie

Rubber duckie you're the one
You're the reason I'm the one
Rubber duckie
You're the one for me


Details | Senryu | |

our grandson

our grandson goes off to college to study... wild life management
Click on "About This Poem"


Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


Details | Narrative | |

MAMA CAT AND HER GANG

My son and his family drove down from the big city,
out to the countryside with open fields and steams.
They brought their standard golden poodle along, 
a curly-haired fellow, name of Timmy.
Timmy had never seen a cat;
not even a mole or a furry rat.
Visiting country kin, he was checking things out.

Everything went fine that very first day.
Cats went about paying him no mind.
He walked about just passing time.
On that second day there was a big mistake.
Being a city dog with more worldy ways,
to add pleasure to his hum-drum days,
he thought it time to befriend these country kin.
 
The cats had never seen a dog this small,
only those on stilts, big, long and tall, 
like Pyrenees, big wide mouths and teeth to match.
With barking big dogs on the scene,
up a tree they squirreled, never to be seen.
But this golden-haired fellow, with city clout--
they’d give him benefit of instinctive doubt.

Mama cat was even so bold 
to sniff this city slicker right on the nose.
Sizing him up all the while, a friendly rat, she surmised,
a might bigger than some she had seen,
playing cat and mouse, yet acting so coy;  
that is, until that overgrown golden-haired rat  
walked up to Mama’s black baby boy.

Mama’s two other sons, another black and a blue,
began to gather nearer this city dweller, too.
Timmy politely extended his nose.
black son cat extended his razor-sharp claws,
with a bristled tail and fierce hissing jaws. 
Timmy let out with a painful yelp,
as Mama cat called all boys in for help.

Cats surrounded and gave chase to the dog,
life-fearing circles around the cedar tree he’d log;
four hissing cats hot on his tail,
poor Timmy yelping in a desperate wail.
The master of Timmy gave rescue,  
but Mama cat and her three grown sons,
strutting in pride, putting a dog on the run. 



Written by:  Carolyn Henderson
For Constance LaFrance's Cat Poem Contest
Won 9th Place


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 5 - GREEDY LITTLE PIG

Luke treats eating like a contest An all that you can eat Luke scoffs down everything Fills himself down to his feet Today he swallowed down six doughnuts He gobbled up some pies He munched his way through a chocolate cake Two hamburgers and some fries Luke was very pleased with himself Acting like he’d won the cup But then everything he’d eaten Just came right back up Though we did present him with a prize But for Luke it caused more distress As we handed him a mop and bucket To clean up all the mess. And it did him no good complaining That his tummy hurts This greedy little pig Got his just deserts.


Details | List | |

Rules in the eyes of a toddler

If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed, stepped on or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, must make her dirty
If it is sibling, must slap,kick,and fight.
If it has four legs, must squeeze tight until makes noise
If big person is on phone, must make lots of noise
If tv is not on cartoons, scream until they are
If food is not good, throw it, refuse to eat it and cry until big people give you something good


Details | Verse | |

Family Dinner

Everyone is dressed just right,

with our smiles slapped on tight,

we are having a family dinner.

The mood is tense,

yet we have to make sense,

and we can always talk about the weather.

 

We blow kisses and show our love,

everything is just right.

We shower praises over each other,

and pray that the night is over without a flight.

 

Ignore the bitter-in-law,

she needs some sugar.

She vowed to deny herself happiness,

since she lost her lover.

 

Pay attention to the chatty uncle.

He claims to be rich although he eats like a savage.

just nod your head and seem interested,

and hope the topic does not turn to marriage.

 

Sit away from the young brother,

once an answer to his question, he is on to another.

To the old man he asks,"So what do you do?"

and to the orphan child,"Where is your mother?"

 

The room is beautiful, the food is delicious,

a night with our near and dear.

This could well be the perfect family dinner,

but only the flowers in the room seem real.


Details | Limerick | |

Best School Play Ever

I cannot afford to miss
A school play such as this.
My son plays a big tall tree.
My daughter plays a bumble bee.
At the end a pig and a hippo kiss.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Rainbows and Football

There’s a special whimsy place inside of each and every Troll.
And a rainbow will bring it out the best, if I may be so bold.
The Aurora Borealis makes them want to jump and sing.
But bring out a fancy rainbow, and they’re off, for it, to seek.

Apparently, it’s the colors that draw them to its beautiful lights.
So my son got out his prism, and played with the Trolls, late last night.
He had them hooping, and hollering, then scurrying across the floor.
Then he sent the prism to somewhere else, you can be, so sure.
Off they would go again, the winner bumping the others out of the way.

My cats couldn’t have done it better, but were smart and stayed away.
It’s not healthy to get in the middle, of a group of trolls found in play.
It didn’t seem to matter, that they couldn’t put it in their hands.
But they never gave up trying, to win the ultimate prize and upper hand.

Fortunately, they were in the barn with plenty of room to swing and fly.
Where walls can be replaced, and poles are easy, there, to mend and buy.
Of course, my son was in deep trouble, and would have to repair everything.
But the trolls didn’t seem to mind helping to put every thing back, again.

And the carpenter called to fix the posts was, you can guess, the football coach.
Apparently he thinks, they’d make great linebackers, to protect the quarter back.
All he seems to think they’ll need… is a little focus… I say good luck with that!
But he’ll have them working every day, till hell freezes over, before he gives up.

That does bid the question… Where did all those football players come from?
Could they be trolls, lumbering down those fields, in those professional teams?
Those fancy uniform colors, definitely, are like the prisms colors brought to life…
Could it be? Who would of thunk it? Yes, they are there… I certainly, Do Believe!


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 6 - BUBBLE TROUBLE

Luke always likes To try out something new And today he decided That he would drink shampoo Of course it made him feel quite sick But that’s the least of all his troubles Because now every time he opens his mouth Out float a million bubbles And bubbles come from his nose And bubbles come from his ears And now every time he cries He cries bubbles instead of tears I don’t think he will again Put shampoo in his tum Especially now that bubbles Are coming from his bum Though I suppose there is a bright side He’s sure to impress his friends When they see that Luke Can blow bubbles from both ends.


Details | Pantoum | |

FORTY RUSTY PENNIES

I found forty rusty pennies in a black leather slipper
while my itchy nose sneezed more than three times;
why were they hidden from thrifty mother?
Weren't they less valued than silver dimes?


While my itchy nose sneezed more than three times,
mom woke up to scold me for my loud laughter;
she was mad and wanted to hear anything but lies
and frantically screaming, she pulled my curly hair. 


Mom woke to scold me for my loud laughter,
I tripped on the slipper, falling flat as a bear, 
and frantically screaming, she pulled my curly hair;
with an angered face, I retrieved to my dark lair.


She was mad and wanted to hear anything but lies,
mom woke up to scold me for my loud laughter;
with an angered face, I retrieved to my dark lair...
I found forty rusty pennies in a black leather slipper.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 4 - FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

It’s Luke's first day at school today I wonder how he’s getting on I hope he is behaving himself I hope the crayons haven’t all gone Because Luke is partial to crayons He seems to just love wax He sees a pack of crayons As some exotic snacks I wonder if he will make a friend I hope he’s not a bully No, Luke is far too nice for that So I guess I shouldn’t worry He looked really cute in his uniform Smart jumper, trousers and sandals But he will be home for tea real soon So I'm off to hide the candles.


Details | Limerick | |

It's All About The Ring Tone



I'm afraid of my cell phone I confess
"Someone" changed the ring tone to cause me stress
While I took a  nap
He switched it to rap
Now when my phone rings I'm really a mess



"Someone" being my grandson Jordan..
 I finally got him to change it back...lol


For the Techno-Limerick contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 14 - CAPTAIN EVIL EYE

Captain Evil Eye is here More a super villain than a hero Just one look from his evil eye Your temperature drops to zero Yes it is Luke’s little party trick This thing he does with his eye When he stares at you with that look You don’t know whether to laugh or cry Go and do your homework And Captain Evil Eye is there Go and tidy up your room You’ll see the steely glare Come on now it’s time for bed The evil eye stares you down Captain Evil Eye looks a little Like some psychotic clown But even super villains get tired And we eventually get our way As Captain Evil Eye is put to bed His evil work done for the day


Details | Rhyme | |

"There's A Monster In Me Room"

He lay in his bed 
Trembling with fear
Scared of the monsters
That may be near

He called for his dad
And said “I’m scared”
He went under the blankets
And covered his head

“Where’s no monsters son” 
“Not in this house here”
They are scared of me 
“Cause I’ll box their ears”

With his son reassured 
Dad switched off the light
Kissed son on the head 
And said “Goodnight”

An hour later
Came a scream from the room
Dad runs up stairs
And bursts in with a boom

There stood a monster
A Hideous gore
On this occasion it wasn’t
Larry’s mother-in-law

Dad didn’t show his fear
He kicked it on the knee
The monster screamed
As it started to bleed

Then dad pulled it’s nose
And smacked it on the head
The monster was in tears
And this is what it said:

“You hitting” it roared 
“That’s not fare”
“You hurt me knee”
“And pulled out a hair”

“You big bully”
“Why you doing this?”
“I just came in here”
“To give the child a kiss”

Dad rushed to the switch 
And on came the light
He saw the monster
A terrible sight

Dad’s eyes popped
And knew it was the end of his life
It was a crossed eyed woman
The one he called his beloved wife


Details | Rhyme | |

Ice-Cream Baseball

 As a new father I coached my little league son
 He was clumsy and uncoordinated
 Picked dandelions in the outfield
 Watched bumble bees fly and hum
Would run to a grounder and watch it stop
pick it up to throw it but it would drop
He enjoyed his team mates for they were friends 
He struck out more than hitting the ball
Funny thing was he would always run whether he did or not
How I wanted him to hit the ball so hard 
Perhaps a grand- slam homerun for him and my heart
But the greatness was in him- he was part of the team 
 His greatest joy was afterwards
When we’d all go get ice-cream


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 15 - MR INVISIBLE STRIKES AGAIN

Luke has a special friend That only he can see He calls him Herbert Sherbet Invisible to you and me I have never seen him But he must be real I presume When things get broken it's never Luke Though only he's in the room So many ornaments broken So many valuables lost All destroyed by an invisible force I dare not add up the cost Luke likes kicking his football Inside rather that out of the house His friend always plays with him Though unlike Luke he’s as quite as a mouse SMASH, goes another valuable I know who’ll get the blame Luke of course a picture of innocence As Mr. Invisible strikes again


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 1 - FISHING

This is the first in a series of poems about my cheeky grandson, Luke
Luke decided to go fishing On a warm spring like day With a huge net on a poll And an old jam jar he found on the way He didn't catch any fish But got some frog spawn in the jar Off home he wandered quite happily He didn't have to go all that far Later that night he felt hungry Eyed the frog spawn with glee "That looks just like jelly, I wonder what it tastes like" thought he Now I am afraid to say he did eat it It would have made him ill you'd have thought But it didn't do any harm at all Though he did get a frog in his throat.


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 17 - SWOLLEN LIPS

Luke’s lips are swollen He doesn’t look that great It must be an allergic reaction To something that he ate Luke’s lips are swollen It’s pretty hard to ignore It can’t be the nuts he scoffed down As he has had loads of them before Luke’s lips are swollen Big lips on him just don’t suit Though some people with a warped sense of humour May think that it looks rather cute Luke’s lips are swollen From what we may never know But now it is time for his medicine So to the doctors poor Luke must go Luke’s lips are swollen Looking like two massive red pearls But the doctor had it figured out He’d been kissing too many girls.


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 13 - TREE HOUSE SAGA

Luke was building a tree house He was building it all by himself A rusty old hammer, several bent nails And wood that used to be someone’s shelf We could all hear Luke working so hard Hammering and sawing away He was such a busy little bee He didn’t even have time to play He’d get the job half completed Then it would all just fall apart But he’d just pick up the pieces and start again The kid certainly does have heart Finally the tree house was finished Luke was as proud and as happy as could be He’d done a good job, but there was something missing And unfortunately that was the tree. But Luke shouldn't get too upset Shouldn't let it get to his head He may not have made a tree house But he had made a lovely shed.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Granny Tipping

My son is getting older, and he just went back to College, the other day.
But he had enjoyed the summer, by adding a new game to his daily play.
He called it Troll Tipping as daily he targeted another, and wore him out.
By dinner, the Troll would fall asleep, as my son claimed his dessert, so devout.

But wearing out a Troll, is not such an easy thing, so many a night, a Troll got his.
What a shame! But as a resourceful college man, at devising plans he was a whiz.
He offered them a Fun Filled Tip, yes, a way to get others, to do their daily chores.
The cost to each individual Troll, was their sweet dessert, that night, nothing more.

He was doing great, as he ran thru many a Troll, but then our suspicions did unfold.
You see, this bred unrest, as a number of fights started, amongst our beloved Trolls.
Scheming isn’t sharing, so Grandpa Troll had a TALK, life changing, or so it’s told.
But Boys are boys, and desserts were to be had, so he made a new plan, quite bold.

You might say he invented Granny Tipping, yes, now it was MY dessert, on the line.
Now this would be quite simple, for at my age, I can easily, become tiredly inclined.
But the one thing he’d forgot: is how crafty age had made this old one, in her efforts. 
As dinner wound down, I cued Grandpa Troll, to help deliver, those delicious desserts.

I told my son, that they were made to be his favorite, simply in honor, of his behalf.
Then I pretended to fall asleep, and he quickly took my dessert, with a joyous laugh.
Then suddenly his eyes grew big! And I awoke, looking him quite clearly, in the eye.
I lied that, I added laxatives and terrible cod liver oil, to my dessert nightly, yes, so sly. 

Making them easier to swallow, but if he wanted more dessert, he only had to ASK.
He quickly sped away, to wash that terrible taste, out of his mouth, a daunting task!
And we all had our chance to laugh at him… as the joke was finally on him, at last.
I call this, Bad Behavior Tipping, and from that day to this, he asks for more, at last!

The game seemed to lose its luster that day, yes, manners did a BIG, comeback.
The moral is to politely ask… Playing clever little games… is NEVER for the best!


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 11 - THE SPELLING TEST

Friday is spelling test day At the school where Luke does go Of course Luke hadn’t learnt the words He just didn’t want to know He should have learnt them every night Straight after tea But he’d much rather go out and play Or sit and watch TV Come Friday morning Luke claimed that he was ill A belly ache, an ear ache Though he refused to take a pill His acting didn’t fool anyone His lies did not prevail He went to school and took the test Of course, a massive fail But Luke isn’t all that bothered And he’s forgotten about his ‘pain’ He doesn’t have to worry about tests anymore Well, not until Friday comes around again.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Orphan Troll- Space Dreams

One day a little orphan Troll followed my son, home from school.
No doubt, we'd keep him, he was so cute, as he sat down and mewled.
He seemed so young, and carried around his club made out of wood.
In fact, he kept chewing on it, as only a little baby with a pacifier could.

He hit it off real good with my younger son, you might say.
He followed him all around, like a lost puppy here to stay.
One night my son got out his greatly treasured, astral telescope.
Together they viewed the Pleiades Meteor shower, way up close.

OOhh’s and AHH’s were everywhere as all gathered around, to see.
You could hear the Trolls exclaim, ‘Shiny baubles in the sky, for free!’
This went on almost forever, until everyone finally went off to bed.
The next morning, the telescope was missing, and finding it, I did dread.

The house rules had been broken, you know, ‘Take not, what is not Thine’.
I knew who had taken it; the young one simply couldn’t resist it, this time.
I found him still asleep with the telescope, still held solidly within his grasp.
I gently explained the rules, but he had trouble letting go, as tears grew fast!

Shiny baubles are soooo important, and not easily given up, you know.
And he thought the shiny baubles were still tucked deeply inside, all aglow.
I’m lucky that I got there, before he started to forcibly pry them out.
Then I had an idea, on what I needed to do, to gently win this bout.

I had him look inside, and he was surprised the shiny baubles, were all gone.
Of course, in basement bedrooms you won’t see, too many stars, turned on.
So, I told him our house was enchanted, and stolen shiny baubles, I did fear…
Would simply disappear, just like the tiny bubbles he liked to blow, my dear.

Reluctantly, he gave the telescope back to my son with abundant apologies.
And everyone’s life went back to normal… or at least, as normal as it can be.
Still, he looked at it with longing from time to time, and that broke my heart.
So, surprise! Surprise! Santa brought him his very own, and mounted it, outside.

He was so very happy, as he dreamed of becoming a future astronaut, someday.
Where, he would just simply reach out of his great, big space ship every day,
And collect all of the many, shiny baubles, one by one, along the way.
Good dreams to all my readers, like my little Troll here, 

And keep all of your dreams alive...  all the days of your life, so dear...


CSEastman


Details | Lyric | |

Werewoman of Brooklyn

When the moon is full
I show a certain inclination
It’s way worse than PMS
A truly hairy situation

My fur’s soft as silk
I get a bit hirsute
Me and others of my ilk
Are in wolfish pursuit

Ahh – Oooooh – Werewoman of Brooklyn
I’m a lady lycanthrope
But I’ll rip out your throat
Ah – Oooooh – Werewoman of Brooklyn
I’ll fulfill your dreams
If you don’t mind a few screams

It’s true I’ll tear you up 
If you dare cross me
An alpha female
Ain’t no one can boss me

Me and my weregirls
Hang out at Brighton Beach
Go moonbathing at midnight 
Attack anyone within reach

Ahh – Ooooooh – Werewomen of Brooklyn
From Flatbush to Cozine
Prospect Heights to Fort Greene
Ahh – Ooooooh – Werewoman of Brooklyn
Yeah, we’re representin’
No intention of repentin’

I have a special someone
My friends say it’ll never work
I should stick to my own kind
And while I know I really oughta
She’s Dracula’s daughter
Her love bites are so fine!

Ahh – Oooooh – Werewoman of Brooklyn
I’m a lady lycanthrope
But I’ll rip out your throat
Ah – Oooooh – Werewoman of Brooklyn
I’ll fulfill your dreams
If you don’t mind a few screams



For Carol Brown's Funny Spooks Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 7 - A SEA VOYAGE

Luke got a letter from school A sea voyage they had planned Luke was really excited As you may well understand On the day everyone had a wonderful time But someone was staying below deck Feeling really ill, should have taken a pill And was looking like a wreck Yes while others were enjoying the sites Luke was nowhere to be seen Still down below and wouldn't you know Turning a strange shade of green It should have been something to treasure But this was a school trip to hell I don't think in future he'll bother with trips Because I'm afraid Luke don't travel too well.


Details | Quatrain | |

Redeye Gravy

Now sits the redeye gravy in the pan
It certainly is not at all like jam
Mom made it years ago  for her man
Fry some country ham, pour  coffee bam

Never knew why it was called redeye
Then my grandson informed me just why
Men who had been out late had bleareye
Who looked like they had been drip-dry

I always thought that it was because
It had dark red color from drippings
In my home it  got an applause
I thought that it was God's blessings

I learned my husband doesn't like it
My grandson doesn't like redeye gravy
When I make it only make a bit
Always redeye gravy left heavy

Today decided to place on grits
Feed to the cats see if they like it
Now cat is running around won't sit
I guess that caffeine gave them lift


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 18 - TAKING PHOTOGRAPHS

Luke got hold of a camera And went on a picture taking spree He took a picture of his baby brother He took a picture of me He took a picture of his nan He took a picture of his mum He even took a picture Of the dog, while it was licking its bum But Luke was holding the camera Completely the wrong way round It wasn’t until we saw the photos That all that was to be found Were not the pictures we were expecting All we ended up with instead Were lots and lots of photos Of Luke’s shiny forehead.


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 16 - A SMASHING TIME

I found Luke an old golf club And several shiny golf balls That will keep him quite for a while While I make a few phone calls Smash, went a window In the greenhouse out the back Smash, went another one It sounds like we’re under attack Smash, went the old fish tank We threw out in the trash Maybe we should have sold it We’re going to certainly need the cash Smash, went another window Smash, and then one more Then smash went the window On the kitchen door I grabbed the golf club from Luke Saw all the windows had gone The lad has one hell of golf swing And got more than a few holes in one


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 8 - HEAD IN A BUCKET

It is one of life's little mysteries Why with Luke things seems to go wrong Maybe because he sticks his head In places it don't belong Today Luke got it stuck in a bucket So to the hospital he did go How on earth he managed to do it Perhaps we'll never know Because Luke is just not telling He's a little embarrassed you see I wondered why Luke was yelling "Can someone please help me" Most people at the hospital were laughing Those that weren't did a polite cough But with a huff and a puff and some elbow grease The doctors managed to pull it off Luke is feeling much better now Though he does have quite a sore head And his ears look a little swollen And shining a very bright red.


Details | Limerick | |

Thus, Fate Avengeth

Henry VIII desireth an heir.
Wife after wife, nary son hath wives bourne.
Thusly, he cut off each head.
Findeth a new wife instead.
His sole son hath been born from an affair.


Details | Limerick | |

MOTHER GOOSE'S THE PIPER'S SON


I read a rhyme and I was so vexed
I feel that Old Mother Goose was hexed,
Didn't condemn this thief
And this brought me grief,
But he got beat up by Old Man Tex.


Tom the Piper's son stole pig and ran
This little boy acts like a big man,
Protective services
Moves him from premises,
Now the Piper smokes all that he can.


He sent his son Tom to go and steal
I wouldn't mind if 'twas for a meal,
But we all knew that it
Was to support his habit,
I think he should be locked up for real.


Details | Limerick | |

Outsmarted

My grandson just loves to make noise
The louder the better his toys
His batteries I hide
The noise still resides
Turns out that I hid his decoys


Details | Verse | |

Two Wailing Babies

So delicious my baby's right cheek
looked
to his brother

Of course he took a hard bite
on that
soft sweet sight

His cruel curiosity was confused,
amused
it's too easy to hurt

My baby threw a wail mile high
his brother
jumped...a fearful cry.


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 2 - HURRY UP LUKE

The second in a series of poems about my cheeky grandson, Luke
Hurry up, Luke we’re going to be late Get your head out of the garden gate Don’t know what you put it there for You’ve got it stuck three times before At the other side there’s nothing new So why go sticking your head right through Oh! It’s stuck again; don’t get in a flutter Hang in there I’ll fetch the butter A bit of grease behind the ear Will get you out so never fear It is rude you know to make people wait So hurry up Luke, we’re going to be late.


Details | Free verse | |

Shaking The Lily Pad

I have a big, old froggie that lives in my ornate lily pond, so refined.
And every time I have a guest, he Farts and spurts water from his behind.
My son has named him bubbles and tells everyone, how he is so fine...
Now, you must know he’s only five with potty humor on his mind…

It started as I included my son, while finding a fountain for my pond.
But he came home and told his dad, who now also had to come along. 
While I kept looking for a fountain, you know… with exquisite flair.
My son kept asking me for a special one, that farts water out his tail.

Now, as I watched my two beloved gentlemen, I knew something was afoot.
I found retreat a better thing, as I high tailed it away, with a serious hotfoot.
Sure enough, my birthday present turned out to be that froggie for my pond.
And I certainly couldn’t hurt my son’s feelings by saying no, to respond.

My hubby laughed as he pointed out a place, they had agreed it should go.
Yes, you guessed, it’s the first thing you see, that your eyes can bestow.
Perhaps my plight is really not so bad… or at least, my hubby now tells me so.
Even though the guests’ eyes grow big, and their walk becomes really slow.

As I see their looks, a better conversation piece could never have ever been.
As I gently explain my son’s love for me, is touching, don’t you think? Again.
Of course the little froggie keeps farting and wildly smiling, throughout it all.
But the smiles are never near as big, as my guests’ smiles… that suddenly grow…

As they become enchanted with the understanding of it all.


Details | Narrative | |

A Sister's wish

"It has to be a girl," she had firmly announced,
My sweet little daughter, always craved for a sister!
So the news of a would-be sibling, did make her glad.
She had jumped and bounced.

"A girl would be perfect, boys are messy,
"I'd play my dolls with her and read princess stories",
Said my daughter, who was all girlie-girlie
She kept things in order, was neat and tidy, even a bit fussy!


She'd shopped for pink blankets, rompers, spoons and forks!
Smart girl that she is, she very well knew
"Babies don't come from hospitals nor gifted from temples
Neither are they dropped by visiting storks!"

She would be there for pregnant momma, a helping hand to lend.
She'd pat the sick mother and soothe her with a touch
Fetch her a glass of water
would not allow her to bend!

"My sis would look like me", so said Sara
Ecstatic she was about the brand new arrival
she promised even her stuff to share!
Found a rhyming name, "I'll call her Aura."

One fine day, mommy gave birth to a son
Hale and hearty, Sweet and chubby.
The family rejoiced but the sister said,
"Its not going to be fun."

"Give him back to the doctor, We won't keep this boy",
She said over the phone and with a frown on her face
She came visiting. Took the baby in her lap,
Saw his Angelic face and was filled with joy.

"He is cuter than any baby in the world can be", said she
Stroking her brother
"His skin is so soft and his fingers so tiny,
Well, we'll take him home, he looks just like me!"


Details | I do not know? | |

Country Christmas

“Country Christmas Carol”      ---  dedicated to my family

 by  Miriam  McCue (creator of flamingo art, & poetry.so far.)

We love to sing Christmas songs,
My Grandson Bubba and I.
And when we sing Country Christmas.
We almost make the angels cry.

A Merry Country Christmas
To all those great Country Folk,
And even to the City Slickers,
Who also love to drink and smoke.

We’ll take a drink for Bubba, Aunt Mike and Cousin Jim, 
And hope that this Christmas,
They’ll say a prayer and sing a hymn.

Gather round the still, 
Country People all.
 And hold up Uncle Bill
So the old coot doesn’t fall. 

A Merry Country Christmas, 
One full of country joy.
Little Willie wanted a 12 gauge,
But all he got was a toy.


Details | Rhyme | |

I Just Got Out Of The COUNTY JAIL

After a wonderful late afternoon walk in the park, 
my wife and I moseyed over to the Japanese Hibachi Grille for some dinner. 
What we got into was some good old fashioned drama down at BeniHana...

You see, I got me a fetish for shiny cookware, 
so as the patrons' eyes honed in on the iron chef 
dicing up onions, shrimp, and chicken...
mine were busy fantasizing about concealing Ginsu knives
clankin' in the kitchen. 
"Brew Silly began his routine with the hot fire volcano bit
atop the flat grille.
In the distraction, my sticky fingers began reactin',
 slippin' utensils inside my zipper, for a thrill. 
Things started heatin' up as folks were eating up;
Spatulas started flyin'! 
Mushrooms were a fryin', 
My conscience stopped trying... 
tired of getting beaten up!

Now, if I told you I was lookin' at what was cookin'...
I'd be a lyin'. 
I mean, I was really tryin',
but the devil had me by the klepto-hands...guiding me.
Riling me up.
 
He said, "Go for one of them Wok's! Do it now Big Dog! 
Get yir rocks off! Knock yir socks off! 
Quick man...sly like a fox, Hoss!"

My heart said, "No", but my head said, "OH HELL YES!"
Sadly, I was in cahoots with the devil, 
bass mixed with treble, 
trouble poundin' in my chest! 
So guess what came next?-

I grabbed one of them big brass bitches, 
signaled Jessie's ass with a quickness, 
and started gunnin for the door!
Of course, my good hearted wife started whinin', 
"Honey, I wasn't done, now what are we leavin' for?"

"Listen baby, I'll explain later.
Right now it's time to go!"

As we passed the pretty little hostess,
she banged the gong and said real fast, 

"AHH, Tank-You Berry Much F'wor Cummean Fwolks!"

We jetted towards the park, but it was getting dark.
My legs began to fail. The cops were on our tail.
We tried to walk and play it off, but it was no use.
We should have stayed and ate our food, 
and drank our brews with "BREWS!"

The pigs threw me to the ground, 
then began to squeal and bark.
They tossed us in the County Jail, 
twenty thousand bail...
 ____________FOR TAKIN' A WOK TO THE PARK!!!


~"True story ={WinK+Wink}



Details | Romanticism | |

More Then Just Lines

I think I've seen you in my dreams, you're matching every description.
Your love is like a drug, I'd kill to fill the prescription.
You give me so much excitement, like when babies are born.
You're the only flower I see that's in this garden of thorns.
You must be Jamaican, because you're Jamaican me crazy.
Let's get a place together and maybe raise up a baby.
A lot of people call me Trav, but you can call me tonight.
You have the most beautiful eyes in the world, just like the stars they shine bright.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
You could make a shy guy try and make a blind man see.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You've got me floating like a feather, and I want to feel this way forever.
You may think these are just lines, or maybe all the above,
but please read this with your heart, because you're the woman I love.


Details | Rhyme | |

beware there in

Dad heard a scream from up stairs,
He ran to his son’s rescue and found him in tears.
“What’s the matter son?” Dad gently said,
There’s, there’s a monster in the bathroom and I’m really scared.

“It’s lumpy and hairy with a warts on it legs,”
“And on it’s chest it has what looks like two scrambled eggs”
“It’s belly hangs all the way down to it’s knees
“Daddy, daddy, protect me please!” 

“It knows my name, it, it said it through a toothless grin,”
“It’s face is vomit green.”
“Enough,” said Dad smiling, “There’s no such thing.”
A rumbling noise came from the bathroom.
Go see Dad but come back soon.

Dad stood by the bathroom door for a while be fore he went in
And when he opened it his terrified son heard dad scream.
The monster had a huge wart on it’s bum
That's when dad recognized it and said “ Son needs therapy now How could you mum”

*For Lisa who gave me the title. I hope it is good for you as it was for me :-)*


Details | Ballad | |

THE CURING OF YOUNG FRED McPHEE

On the outer Paroo where most septics are few 
And the outhouse has still pride of place; 
Poor old Toby McPhee worked a small property 
With his son and his darling wife Grace. 
 
When the milking was due and the harvesting too, 
His son Fred seemed to just disappear. 
Though they looked everywhere this bewildered old pair 
Found no trace of their poor little dear. 
 
I've the paddock to plough and I need the boy now 
As the horses are harnessed and ready. 
Then he saw the smoke rise and to Toby's surprise; 
'Twas the outhouse that hid his young Freddy. 
 
"So the silly young bloke seems to fancy a smoke. 
Well I've just the right cure then for him." 
As he led the horse team Toby's eyes gave a gleam 
And the lazy lad’s future looked dim. 
 
He then hooked the team to the log skids on the loo, 
While the slack was worked out of the chain. 
With the reins in his hand he then gave the command 
And both horses then took up the strain. 
 
Poor young Fred he was perched on the seat when it lurched, 
Though soon ended up down on the floor. 
With Fred's pants 'round his knees Toby heard his wild pleas, 
But he goaded his horses some more. 
 
The lad's fag hit the pan and a fire soon began 
With the paper and sawdust alight. 
Then the skids hit a hollow and what was to follow 
Was one hell of a horrible sight. That pan flew in the air and though Fred crouched in 
prayer 
All the angels they must have been out. 
For the team in a trot had sent airborne the lot 
And the contents were scattered about. 
 
Toby's lungs out of air he then reined in the pair 
And the curing had come to a close. 
Fred emerged from the door looking terribly sore, 
While the pong was quite strong on the nose. 
 
When there's work now to do on the outer Paroo 
Our young Fred McPhee's work is  hectic. 
For he saves all his dough, but it's not for smokes though, 
As their place is now going septic. 



Details | Rhyme | |

My Family and Me

It's amazing how quick things can change.
First your running with the kings, and then you're knocked out of range.
It's strange. I used to worry and stress over friends.
Now I've grown to be a man. Maybe know a few of them.
All that time I could of studied. Did better in school.
Got a job and made it big. Maybe now I'd be cool.
Who's the fool? Now who's the bull? I know that's not me on the top.
Life is always making turns weather you like it or not.
The past will always be the past. My glory days may seem gone.
But, now its time to start a new.The stories keep coming on.
I've got a new girl. She means the world to me.
She keeps me warm at night, my best friend, my new dream.
Since my car accident, still got a limp on one side.
Still working with my memory, still need a friend who can drive.
I love to Karaoke. I get noticed in bars.
My mom's always there to catch me. Tom's working with my mom's cars.
My sister's in the Army, my niece is a big part of my life,
Friend Zach keeps assholes off me, and God is my wife.
AJ's always there to help, Brian is my LOST bud,
Mary's out of school, Lil cousin, Hunter's a stud.
Grandpa still is my idol, JT is still the music man .
The Adam's still can party. Chris, living good on the sand.
I may only use one hand, but I plan to be the best.
At all I do in life, cause there's not that much time left.
The blood test that I took says Landon is mine.
I hope this all works out fine in time and help to make my son's life shine.
JC who's down in Georiga, my heart is screaming for you.
I hope that you recover well. It can't be worse then what I went through.
Uncle Jimmy where you at? Where's Matt, Corie, and Pete?
I know you all are doing good. Serviolo's are a hard team to beat.
How's the rest of the family? I love and miss you all!
I hope you all are standing tall and I pray we never fall.
These last words that I say, I say only to you.
We've got the best family in the world and you know I LOVE YOU!


Details | Rhyme | |

real story

Once upon a time there was a son and his mum
He wanted to marry and mother agreed in a glum
But asked her sunny to show her a photo 
Of  that heart fighter from Rome or Kyoto
The son brought three photos 
Three creature of God
Three pearls from ocean,
Three petals from roses. 
And told that one is whom he dreams
 Whole nights losing sleep
Described his feelings so pure and deep
Look here my dear, look here my maa
 One is too close to my heart and others so far.
I wonder could you find
Which of them is my sweet heart
Do Mums know sons test
As somewhere I heard.
Mum looked at photo
For several minutes
And said: “she is!”
The sun was so shocked –
“How clever mum is?!”
“How did you guess about it
They all bonny and fair
If ones eyes are like diamonds
Second is milky white
Third is waved hair”.
How you could find my lover
From the only attempt
So easy and clear 
As in her brow was a stamp?
Did you like her eyelids what makes me mad?
Or liked her chicks as liked you dad?
“NO” said a mother with disgruntled face:
“When I look at this girl I am nervous”
 




 



Details | Rhyme | |

Breezy

"Granny cut my hair", grandson said "I'll just take you to town". "No, don't spend that money", he said "Ouch, that pulls" said with frown Those ladies and men at those salons Make it look so easy Just run those clippers up those heads In just one sweep breezy Well to tell truth, heads are odd shaped Those clippers don't just flow There are bumps along crooked way Had to plough trifallow


Details | Senryu | |

The First Day of School

the first day of school
thank God, my son’s not crying
i sit beside him


Details | Rhyme | |

Typically Luke Poem 3 - ALL STUCK UP

Luke’s been playing with the glue again Now everything sticks everywhere There’s food glued to the table And his bum is glued to the chair My feet are glued to the floorboards My hands are glued to my side I’ve even noticed the odd bird or two Glued to the branches outside I can see it will be one of those days Clearing up will take forever I was going to read my favourite book But the pages are glued together So I wouldn’t come and visit right now Because things are a little bit wacky And you may not be able to leave What with everything being so tacky I think I’ll just stand here a while To be honest I’m frightened to sit Maybe tomorrow will be better As for today, well I’m stuck with it.


Details | Free verse | |

Leader of The Pack

Wake up sleepy head is all that’s left to say. Get up I say!
But of course it didn’t help… This was sleeping at it’s best!
The bus was due for school soon, and still in bed he slept.
So out came my hidden weapons, that are better than water splashed.
I crept quietly up beside him… and here is what I said…

If you don’t get up I’ll release our monstrous, fearless, great cat.
He’ll jump and walk all over you… before sitting on your head.
Then I’ll bring in our loud 66 lb lab to lick you everywhere to death.
Then I’ll bring in our 86lb lab that’ll jump up to join you there, instead.
Don’t be surprised if he stretches out taking up most of the bed.
He’s really good at pushing with those really good, strong legs so…
It won’t be long before there’s nowhere left but on the floor to sleep.
And now let me introduce our 55lb forceful, herding cattle dog.
If he can’t get you up and going… believe me it can’t be done...
He’ll nip at you gracefully while never leaving a single bite.
He’s hungry and wants breakfast leftovers before it turns twilight.
And me I’ve reset the alarm. There’s no more music left to play.
Every five minutes the buzzer will be there just for you, I say.

Now I’m going away and you’ll notice the smells of bacon, toast, and eggs.
And if the dogs are in the kitchen first… it’s cold cereal for you this day.
And once they get a taste for leaving you far behind…
You will have forfeited your place at the table I know they’ll think you kind.
And when the animals are gone from your bed…
Who will protect you while you sleep?
Remember there’s an 8000 lb dinosaur living in the living room, that I keep…
And I know for a fact that he’ll come in and drool all over you…
He’s the problem we all run from…we walk around him every day. 
And I named him Mr. Report Card… for all the damage he can play.
Without him there’ll be no Xbox, Play Station, or fancy fishing trips.
So get up my sleepy young man… The world is waiting for you today.

These are my secret weapons and they work every time…
We haven’t missed the bus you see… in a very, very long time. 


Details | Haiku | |

NFL Golden Child Injured


Finished before start Colts fans leap from Bandwagon Peyton Manning's hurt


Details | Limerick | |

Florida Mosquitoes

Florida Mosquitoes 

A boy stayed with his grandma one summer.
Mosquitoes loved him; it was a bummer!
They liked to drink his blood.
It never was a dud.
They lined up to slurp him for dinner.

Co-written by Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen and her 6-year-old grandson who said that the mosquitoes lined up to 
eat him.


Details | I do not know? | |

On the Raod to Carolina

“On the Road to Carolina”   

By Miriam McCue - creator of poetry.

dedicated to Bubba, my grandson who is not allowed to do what is in this poem. And Bob 
who maybe did.

Warning: do not practice the activities below, unless you are a professional in the field.

This is meant to be sung accompanied by acoustic guitar music.


Verse 1 
We’re on the road to Carolina,
Me & Bubba, my best friend.

We’re going to stop in Savanna.
To pick up ole toothless Glenn.


Verse 2
We’re ridin’ in my ole pickup,
The three of us have no fear.

‘Cause toothless Glenn of Savanah,
Brought along six cases of beer.


Verse 3
When it gets on towards evenin’,
We park the old pick up.

We’re all sittin’ on the tailgate,
Drinkin’ all the cases up.

(whoops and whoopies )



Verse 4
When we get to Carolina,
Our heads feel all blown about.

Glen is barfin’ out the winder,
And Bubba has completely passed out.

FINIS

NOTE:   TO be more politically correct: I am the designated driver.


Details | Rhyme | |

Poetry About Poetry

Shades of color bounce within
Singing their hues dancing in place
Vivid lines colored outside
Rules broken with empty space
A midnights dream heard and seen
Gleaming from the twinkle of a eye
Wings touched flown and plucked
Gliding like a bird up in the sky
Wishes from pennies thrown into tears
The reservoir over flowing with pigments of pain
Drowning from the shadows 
The flood paints the day
Words speak volumes of silence hidden
Their sounds blind to what they see
Mirrors of nouns and verbs 
Their meaning and secrets lost at sea
Emotions ruled by laws of language
Spelled in boxes of glass
Melted from sands inside
That voices strangle to grasp


Details | Free verse | |

SEXY FRENCH GIRLS encounter an American 15yr old boy

FRENCH GIRLS  
 in the eyes of an
 innocent 
15 yr  American old boy

 

My son
Sweet naive
Raised in China
Where MTV and YOUTUBE are banned
Where no girl kisses
Until her university days end.
Raised in China
Where knees are covered--
Lips are sealed--
Where boys
Only dream
Of the wonders of Red sex.
My son
Said he loved Paris
     For the Eiffel
     For the Louvre
     For the Seine
     For the wine.

But I knew
He loved Paris
For the
Blackest  panties
Barely hiding
Knowing smiles
Of
Short tight skirts.


Details | Haiku | |

Harvest Perch

Man in the moon is
Fishing for seasonal fish
From the harvest perch

(My grandson who lives with me said that he saw a man fish in Raul's "Reflections" picture.)


Details | Rhyme | |

GIVE ME MORE

I laid it down beside me
just an hour ago.
It seems I must have lost it,
or dropped it on the floor.

Why does it seem so hard
to keep it in my grasp?
I never seem to find it, where
I thought I used it last.

Now, where was it on Tuesday?
I NEVER seem to know!
The thought of it just comes to me
right when I want it most.

I needed it last weekend
but my daughter came too late.
I wanted her to see it
when my grandson came to play.

My friend around the corner
always has hers when
the time comes she must use it. 
I think she must have ten!

The pastor’s wife found hers one day,
just in the nick of time.
She always has it with her now.
“O’ Lord, where’d I put mine?”

I’ve looked inside the breadbox
and underneath my bed.
It wasn’t in the basement, now
My face is turning RED!!

“O’ Lord, I’m tired and flustered,
back where I’ve been before.
I’ve lost MY PATIENCE once again.
Oh Please, just give me more”!


Details | Rhyme | |

TAG

Tag! Your it! Like in the school days.
I got your mind lost, like you were in a corn maze.
This isn't Halloween, just another day of the week.
I'm always getting candy. I say forget trick or treat.
You can forget Flasnick. People just call me Flash.
My rap game's so scary, I say hell with the mask.
Forget Jason, They call me Lil T.
Wake up it's not Freddy, it's me you see in your dreams.
I'm rated X. Noway I'm PG13.
Sisco and Ebert said not to see the damn thing.
So if you do, you better call me the king.
I'll give you six days to live. I'm more hard core then the Ring!


Details | Rhyme | |

KiddieKat Crawl

Pitter Patter kitty's natter,
meow on the wall
eight to go after the fall-
what a whisker risk-er!
And such a minxy tinker!
The paws at the door
straight to the cupboard crumb
sneaky biscuits for the tum,
and into the hall a cry "Mum!-
What's for dinner?"


Details | Couplet | |

Little Children

Oh, what a joy little children are ! Juice in the video, sick in the car. Untidy bedroom, scattered toys, girls playing nurses with little boys. Dogs' tails being pulled, a cat's on fire, interrupting the moments of love and desire. Passing the blame for their little crimes, playing with frogs all covered in slime. Screaming their heads off in a plush restaurant, having a tantrum when refused what they want. Arriving home late covered in mud, not going to bed when they know they should. Non-stop talking while dad's watching telly, splashing the walls with ice-cream and jelly. Chocolate stains on their Sunday best, painting funny pictures on granddad's vest. Why do parents' voices echo from afar, Oh, what a joy little children are !


Details | ABC | |

Inbred White Trash Cream of the Crop

You call the police on my son 
You pull a knife, he has a gun 
You call my wife a tramp, I call you a loser 
I drive an Escort, you drive a junked up Cruiser 
I ask my wife what's for dinner, she says slop 
We are inbred white trash cream of the crop 
We finally move in together and become one 
We do the horizontal bop until the morning sun 
We are now husband and wife, sister and brother 
Our kids won't know what to call us, maybe father and mother 
She is now pregnant with our child 
We are exhausted from our rituals and breeding style 
The neighbors say this is wrong that we should just adopt 
We must have our own or there will be no inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Now after 19 months, we have 2 
We steal from the goodwill box to get clothes for me and you 
We use electrical cords for belts and to discipline the children of ours 
We always encourage our kids to reach for the stars 
Their potential has yet to be achieved 
My wife says she has something up her sleeve 
We believe our kids will always be on top 
It helps to be inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Billy Sue is twelve and in the fourth grade 
Charlie does addition, he's got it made 
Our kids will bring us fortune and fame 
Too bad all kids ain't as talented as ours, what a shame 
Now our son hosts an AM radio program called the Swap Shop 
Our kids can feel privileged being inbred white trash cream of the crop 
The love between us is very strong 
We feel as inbreds, it's where we belong 
Our kids have impairments, which brings government  funds 
We keep our inbreds on the priority list they are still number one 
Now my daughter does unbelievable hip hop 
All other kids are jealous because they are not inbred white trash cream of the 
crop


Details | Rhyme | |

The Giant and my Son

I married Jane sister of Glen
His my best imaginary friend
And now we have a son
When it came to children we wanted only to have one

Anyway, here is a true story of something that happened when he was four
By the way I am not writing about the funnies anymore 
My son was playing outside one day
Mmmm I think it was around the middle of May

All of a sudden he came running in soaked and began to cry
So I ran to him and asked him the reason why?
He said he was playing and having imaginary tea
Then this giant came over and, and weeeeed on meeeeeee!!!

“What?” I said
Horns were growing out my head, 
My eyes were red
Axe in one hand, baseball bat in the other
Through gritted teeth I say “I’m going to kill this mother.” (No swearing Sid)

Outside, inside I’m soaked through
My son cries out “He got you too.”
Now from all this commotion 
My wife comes down stairs, moving like a locomotion

With a blow dryer in one hand and a curling brush in the other
Here came “Don’t you dare mess with my Son’s” mother
Like a woman possessed
Still sporting her night dress
I even saw Satan cower in the corner
But hey, before I could warn her

Out, in, it must have been two seconds at that
She was standing in the kitchen looking like a wet rat
I began to laugh and my son said “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!”
“HE GOT ME, HE GOT YOU AND NOW HE GOT MUMMY”

Then my son got all brave which made me proud
He opens the door and shouted out loud
“PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE YOU BIG RAIN CLOUD”








Details | Burlesque | |

Of the current agonies of a mother

I welcomed home the latest of the fan specifics
A 52X72 Chelsea FC fleece Blanket that my daughter just picked
I wanted to dump the Chelsea fleece, the crest sofa and the team poster
But prompted myself to see it as warm, lightweight, 100% polyester

My daughter’s Chelsea spirit was not dying
Our recent acquisitions- a Chelsea neon clock, a football cushion, a key ring
More reasons to be optimistic I had to think of when she brought a Chelsea rug
Few mum for their morning coffee got to choose from a Chelsea stadium mug, Chelsea latte
mug, Chelsea crest mug, Chelsea black and silver mug, Chelsea new stadium mug and a Didier
drogba mug

I am a grieving mother to more than one aficionado
My son is in love with the renaissance art, bingo!
Art poster prints, wall calendars and statues of the Renaissance men
Over my dead body will I get him a Visconti Art pen

A look at the Virgin of the rock, and I was struck by the depth and the emotion
I no longer despised my son’s fascinating renaissance collection
Distressed I became, the world seemed to come to an end
When my son wished to see the Sistine Chapel ceiling within the Vatican

‘There’s somewhere here to see you, everyone hurry down’
My brother was visiting, for quite a while he had been out of town
They came rushing down exclaiming ‘Ballack!’ ‘Oh no, it’s Michelangelo!’
My 9 year old squealed ‘It’s my letter from Hogwarts, I’m ready to go!’


Details | Couplet | |

Of Peach Fuzz and Prickly Pears

I recall when my son went to grow his first mustache.
After the manly thrill, of shaving once a week had passed.

He'd spend an hour in the bath, gelling hair so straight up it would stick.
Then he'd come down to breakfast, strutting his upper lip.

I tried not to laugh, while biting the inside of my cheek.
It looked like a Porcupine on his head, but his stache was weak.

It looked like a cross between peach fuzz and a prickly pear.
As if they drew straws, to see who, on his lip, would stick out where.

He'd stroke his lip with thumb and forefinger, to draw attention to it.
He'd turn his head this way and that, so from the light, the few hairs were lit.

Well, time has passed and his stache manned up along with his beard.
Although it will never be of Mountain Man caliber, I fear.

But he does do "scruffy" well and the girls all seem to like it.
And you know, my girl charming son, works it to his benefit.



For my oldest son Jesse.
Just something to embarrass you with.
Hey, it's my job.


Details | Sestina | |

HOWLWEEN AND MEOWWEEN

Halloween is not just for kids...
what about those gorgeous pets
that we snuggle, love, kiss and willfully spoil?
Shouldn't they have their own
special Howlween and Meowween
with treats never tasted in a bright party hall?



I love pets as you all do, and with loving and tender care    
I spoil them with warm clothes and matching shoes;
a wool hat and tiny gloves to keep them from frost!
Look at them, aren't they adorable and look sharper 
than the less-loved pets that are bored with their blues?  
Can you compare a well-groomed one to a scruffy one? 



On this coming Halloween, dress up your pets for success,
disregard the dumb looks of certain unintelligent folks,
they never see humor in anyone or anything, and they can't laugh
at these cuties that have a ton of affection on their mellow faces;
what would they do to be patted or be cuddled in their embrace?
They would give them their howleen and neowween for a soft caress!



And on every street people walk their dogs and cats dressed like mine,
what a surprise to watch this parade of adorable pets that look up and smile!
They will never know who was the genius behind all this, but gently and happily they stroll!
So who's to say that Halloween isn't for them? They're like our children who delight our soul!
And on each Halloween night, let them out, and let them do their Howlween and Meowween,
to enjoy the Halloween celebration, but tomorrow they'll not remember where they had been!


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | I do not know? | |

"Yesterday i Was, So A Blond" (Rock/Pop)

"Yesterday i Was, So A Blond"
                    (Rock/Pop)

yesterday i gave you the best of me
yesterday i need to be in your arms 
but yesterday is so dead and gone 

hook: SO! so long, so long, your so gone 
your just a want to be Don Juan
so now you can so the hell move on 


yesterday i was so blond 
but today I'm gona so move on
can hear your lies 
won't give us another try  

hook: SO! so long, so long, your so gone 
your just a want to be Don Juan
so now you can so the hell move on 

because yesterday i was so blond~


by:lyricvixen


Details | Rhyme | |

Wasted on the young

Oh how my son can I make you see the error of your ways,
You think all men past 40 have surely had their days,
And as for women they are not worth a glance,
You give them no time when you preen and prance, 
You think your god's gift to all you think that matter, 
But my son it takes a lot more than clever patter,
You need to be charming; quick witted; and funny,
Not just a flash git, with a pocket full of money,
You must show respect and be gracious in defeat,
Don’t sulk and ridicule because they don’t kiss your feet,
Don’t drink to excess; so that you mumble and stumble, 
The female gender can make a drunken boy feel terribly humble, 
And when it comes time to depart, 
Don’t I repeat don’t go home with 
The tart?


Details | I do not know? | |

A long line of scallywags

I love my son he's always chipper
he's my scallywag and I'm the skipper
and the apple does'nt fall far from the tree
he's menatly challenged just like me!

and even though his dad's a zero
"hey dad your my hero!"
having fun is all he's wishing
"hey dad ya wanna go fishin?"

lost the house a home we have not
"hey dad looky what I caught!"
no business financal ruin we sank
"aww dad you can have my piggy bank"

rich kids need toys to have fun
"love you dad!" "love you son!"
think no toys would make him sad?
such a good boy "your the best dad!"

now I know I won't always live forever
"hey dad we always be together?"
"no worries son just stay chipper
you'll have your own scallywag and you'll be the skipper!"

by Captain Mike Harris and his son


Details | I do not know? | |

It's Time For Me To Get Tough!

That's it! 
No more excuses! 
I'm laying down some rules! 
Just so you don't misunderstand...
I'm tired of you fools! 

It's time for me to get tough! 
No more ''Oh, that's ok.''
I've had all I can take from you
And things will change...
TODAY! 

I mean it.
I'm not kidding! 
You'll be begging for a break! 
No matter how much you may beg
That's it...for heavens sake! 

What's that? 
A tear? 
Don't do it.....I said I'm being tough! 
Now you want a hug from me? 
I guess you've suffered enough! 
:) 


Details | Lyric | |

Family is Overrated!

Headin’ back home
I don’t know what to think
I want to roam but
"I disagree," says my shrink

What does he know anyway?
And why does he want me to stay?
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!

Walkin’ through the door
I see my dad
My bags hit the floor and
My dad looks rather mad

Why does he think I’m so bad?
And whys he always mad?
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!

I see my mom too
What does she think
She says, "Your rents due!" and
She leaves with a wink

Why should I have to pay rent?
When all my moneys spent?
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!

I see my brother
Sittin' on his bed
I ask him, "What’s with mother?" But
He never heard what I said

Never liked him anyway
I feel like I’ve been betrayed
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!

We gather ’round the table
For some dinner
"So are you able to
pick anyone but a sinner?"

My mom never liked my girlfriend
Thought she’d pass like a trend
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!

Packed my things up and
Headed for the door
"I’m leavin' for a distant land!" Then
My mom’s jaw hit the floor

Never liked my family anyway!
Wanted to leave every day!
Family is overrated!
Family makes life no fun!
My family is too outdated!
My family makes me want to run!


Details | Free verse | |

"Holiday Hell"

Bells will be ringing
Blaring inside my head
Another Christmas is upon us
Welcome's a Holiday Hell

In stores for hours looking for that special gift
Everything's picked over, knowing you should of started in September
In line for another hour
Surrounded by people who act like they have the holiday cheer

Snot nose children are crying
Wanting things they don't need
Parents last nerves are pinched
No money in wallets, craving a stiff drink

Ungrateful family members
Gather around and b*tch
Look at the presents you bought them
With disdain and that look "Exchange or money back."

Bells are still ringing
Pounding inside my head
Christmas is definitely here
Everyone welcome the Holiday Hell.


Details | Rhyme | |

Names You Will Never See

Names You Will Never See

By Elton Camp

The image of a place or product is high on its list
Names that would damage it will always be missed

The names “Cheat and Swindle” for a law firm
Would make the two esquires sweat and squirm

“Dr. Payne’s Dentistry” conveys the wrong thought
“Crook’s Realty” honest Mr. Crook shouldn’t ought 

“Greasy Spoon” would never be the name of a café
From “E. Coli Market,” a wise merchant stays away

The name “Adolph” for a boy is a very nasty trick
“Benedict” for Arnold’s son won’t be a good pick

“Roach’s Bakery” would be a major mistake
“Fair Weather Insurance,” nobody would take

No parents would name their daughter “Jezebel,”
And “Judas” for a son would be rejected as well

That there can be quite a lot, indeed, to a name
Romeo and Juliet found the outcome a shame


Details | Quatrain | |

WILL THAT BE RAPER OR DRASTIC

              WILL THAT BE RAPEPERHAPS HE’LL FIND THE PLASTIC MILK JUG WE THREW AWAY
                                       TODAY
My wife demanded “come on and take this car and park it”
Oh heavens, wifey poo, what happens if we’re late for the market?
I really didn’t want any more loud conversation and neither did she
And to see if I was close enough to the curb she actually measured it accurately

So we go through the islands of rising prices
And the snack aisle was arranged by a demon’s devices,
We passed cookies and cakes, bread and bottled water
And of course condoms for our sixteen year old daughter

Our daughter is hyper-concerned with what we purchased today
She checks out the products and what the ingredients say
While little Billy is acting silly on isle six because that’s what children do
And he gets Fruit Loops or he’ll  hold his breath until his face turns blue

My little girl said “this one is made of glass, and this one is made of plastic| 
Dad, please tell Billy to be quiet because the situation is drastic
Glass can be recycled but plastic will be here for my great grandson to find 
so we brought a cloth bag because recycling should be in every heart and mind
     © 2011.…Phreepoetree ~free cee!~
Please help me save this puny planet that pathetic people are pissing or puking upon purposefully in good shape for Mr. Travis Ian


Details | Terza Rima | |

THE UPPER HAND

On Halloween's scary night, I trust no friend,
when lots of witches and spirits loom...
to let all the rascals have the upper hand!


I could dress just like Robin Hood,
but the elves and the grisly bears
wouldn't like it...so I dress as a dragon! 


Others kids strangely stare and laugh saying,
" You look so goofy in that old costume...
take if off, or we'll ask some witch to hit you with a broom!"


And eggs go flying like flying saucers
over my stuffed and dizzy head; they crack
and drip...oh, what an awful taste!


I'm very convinced by their mischievous acts...
that the little brats have gotten the upper hand;
and what kind of trick could I use and still pretend?


My pockets are loaded with shaving cream cans,
I will spray them all over their painted faces,
and make fun of them...how silly they will feel!  


Entered in Carol's Brown Halooween Contest, " Funny Spooks "


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Free verse | |

I Got Dough {Solfege}

Do -  do   -        a female la beer
Re -  re    -        a drop of re beer
Mi  -  mi             without my mi beer  
Fa-    fa -           place to drive to get ti beer
So  -  so   -        you ran out of mi beer
La   -  la   -         la de da la de da I'll wait for la beer
Ti  -    ti    -        spilt spilt ti beer so no more more of la beer

Do - Do              Do la la think I'm sexy after about six six so beers  LOL 








Got Beer !
Over The Lips Thru The Gums
Look-out Stomach Here It Comes LOL

Also Entry For Izzy Gumbo's Solfege Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Kids

As a dad of three I’ve got your measure
We love you protect you give us lots of pleasure
But……mums and dads aren’t as daft as you think we are
Dads give us a fiver and ill wash your car
Mum….can I take a couple of pounds out of the copper jar

My car barely sees water and a sponge because it’s too much mither
And the copper jar that held a tenner now holds just a fiver
And so it goes on

Dad….can I stay out as long as Paul his dad lets him stay out till eleven
A quick call to Paul’s dad guess what Pauls in at seven
We love you dearly but you kids think were daft
But were on to you it’s almost become a craft

And the classic dad can I have my pocket money mums give her last to my brother
A quick word with mum reveals you’ve just had a tenner
Me and your mum we do talk to each other
Clean your room up I’ve asked you 4 times if you don’t that’s it your grounded I said
I’ve done it dad you tell me I go check it’s clean but it’s all under your bed
That’s it your grounded
Toys out of pram and don’t give me that look
You know the one open mouthed astounded
You see mums and dads aren’t daft it’s all part of the game
But…..through all your tantrums and tears
We still love you all the same


Details | I do not know? | |

Just Love and Peace

Simple as that, just love and peace.
Writing for all who need a release. 
Writing for those who can't seem to find 
A poem that compliments days and nightime.

Dream time comes I wake but don't write.
No need to bother, be silly laugh light.
I plea for comedic, no drama because, 
it makes things pecuilar and creates too much buzz.
So the lesson plan today is simply just laugh.
Just peace and love, you hold the bat.


Details | Quatrain | |

Bob Loblaw

There's a grocery chain in Canada
Known by the name of Loblaw's
That in itself isn't anything special
Till owners named their son after grandpa

Their poor son was blessed by his parents
Didn't think very hard these Loblaws
Baptized their son Robert that's silly
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

Like someone is incessantly babbling on
Making absolutely totally no sense
Bob Loblaw is quite an intelligent man
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

His name makes him sound like an idiot
When introducing himself to a newbie
Hard as he tries to pronounce each syllable
Can't say it without sounding goofy

Poor Bob will take his name to the grave
Can you see the inscription on his headstone?
How can anyone be sombre while visiting
Imagine how it sounds on the telephone...

Hello, this is Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!


Details | I do not know? | |

Terrible Threes'

Will he ever stop his whining,
Will he wear his battery out
An ongoing headache circle
Nice would be his voice going out
He has the will of a 1000 bulldogs
Grouchy from short of  sleep
Forever finding something new
To start to pester me
It seems his mission is successful
Changing but the same
The battlegrounds are busy,
Here’s hoping life gets easier-
When he is no longer three


Details | Cowboy | |

' Outlaw Ballad ... ' (Part 1 of 2) (Cowboy Poem # 9)

You Rode Into My Town
Gunned all The Lonely Deputies Down
Blew-Up The Bank Of Trust, In Our Face …
Where, There Was Hope … Is Now Empty Space …
               … Now, I Gotta Chase You ! …

        Outlaw !
Armed and Dangerous
        Outlaw !
Jesse James, Would Be Jealous
  … of You – Outlaw !
You’re Outrageous …
… and You’re An Outlaw ! …

Stealing Hearts, Like They Was Gold
… Silver Bullets, Are The Lies, You Told
Just A Masked-Man, Running Away …
No Longing-Arms, Can Make You Stay
                 … This Is Where You Pay (Now) ! …

        Outlaw !
# 1 On Our Wanted List …
        Outlaw !
They Told Me You Never Miss ! …
        Outlaw !
… In A Duel, or A Quick Kiss …
… You’re An Outlaw !

Rustlin’ Cows and Cheating at Cards
Done Knocked Down, Many A Weak and Off-Guard
I Will Chase You Long and Hard
To Show You, How It Feels To Be Scarred …
                  … My Personal Reward ! …

        Outlaw !
$ 10,000.00 Reward
        Outlaw !
A Dollar, For Each Broken Heart
        Outlaw !
… Better Get A Head-Start …
        Outlaw !

Chorus:

Oh, I didn’t do Anything / That’s What All Outlaws Sing!
Oh, I didn’t do Anything / Then, This is Just A Real Bad Dream!
Oh, I didn’t do Anything / Stop! … Then, Where’s Her Dadgum Ring? …
                                Outlaw …

You Avoid Honor, Like A Hangman’s Noose
Out There, Wild and Still Running Loose
Wanted Posters, Up On Every Wall
When They Look At It … Tears Just Fall …
                   … You’re A Real Quick-Draw ! …

        Outlaw !
Look At That Brim …
        Outlaw !
Cocked-Low, Like A Trigger-Rim …
        Outlaw !
… Yeah, That’s Him ! …
 … It’s The Outlaw ! …

This is Showdown For Nerves-On-Edge
No More Hide-Outs; Not Another Hedge
No More Ladies, Lying On A Ledge
No More Lies, Or A Broken Pledge …
                   … See This Badge !!! …

        Outlaw !
I Shoot Straight From A Curve-Hip …
        Outlaw !
You Won’t Get To Give Me The Slip …
        Outlaw !
You’re Gonna Get Wild-Whipped …
        Outlaw !

Chorus:

Girl, I Know You’re Hurtin’ / But He Was Only Flirtin’
Luv, Stop Your Crying / Break Free From His Lying
Hon, I’m Doing You A Favor / He Ain’t Never Gonna Put No Ring On Your Finger …
                           He’s An Outlaw ! 

                           (Part One of Two)


Details | I do not know? | |

Boil On__Uh Tailbone

My grandson who lives with me
Has a boil on his __Uh tailbone
He is in terrible pain because
He is all alone ...can't sit at 
The computer or sit to talk 
On the phone..can't go anywhere
For he would have to lie down
In the back seat in the car
He's moaning and groaning
And ill as a trapped cat
But don't call or come over
For he wants to suffer alone


Details | Ballad | |

SANTA'S NEW CHRISTMAS DANCE

Verse I

Don't ask for presents
and check your stockings
hanging by the fire place where the log crackles;
you are in for a big surprise this quite evening:
kids, dance with Santa on snowy Christmas's Eve...
put on the best smile and hear the reindeer's bells!

Chorus:

Kids, dance with Santa and swing your legs and arms 'till you fall;
jump up, go around once, stop, jump up, go around twice,
until his tired feet ache and you laugh at his funny groans! 
Get the hang of it, dance with him he's so nice...
hold on, stay on the dance floor...see Santa's belly bounce! 
Kids, dance with Santa and sing a lovely carol!

Verse II

Don't complain like grouches, and tell him he's another chubby Grinch;
he is a different kind of Santa...he doesn't bring any expensive gifts!
Oh, no Santa is not stingy, just the oldest messenger of good cheers; 
you may be disappointed a lot, but please don't tarnish his image!
He came here to teach you the new Christmas dance with rhythm;
watch his steps and learn to dance within the allowed range! 

Ending:
 
I don't like those long faces, kids dance with Santa on this Christmas Eve;
you'll forget about your presents expectations...you wouldn't want to leave!

Entered in Deborah Guzzi's Holiday Songs In Poetry Form. Style: Moderate Rock Ballad.
I will set my song to music and publish it next year. I doesn't have a melody to be sung
to.   
 
Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | I do not know? | |

Boots

Red-headed, brown sugar drops on nose
Taller, taller, taller he grows
Big brown eyes, braces on teeth
Wax in ears, boots on his feet


(Observing my grandson sitting in the ENT office to be told that he has some 
hearing loss from constant allergy, infections, and middle ear infections.)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Old video game systems

(This is a fictional poem)

My son asked me for a video game system so I gave him my old Atari.
When he kicked me in the nuts, I sure was sorry.
Last week I bought him an Intellivision.
That turned out not to be a good decision.
He taped a cherry bomb to my balls while I was sleeping.
The tremendous pain woke me up and I started weeping.
Yesterday I bought him a Colecovision and it was something that I'd regret.
He posted pictures of my tiny wiener on the internet.
Today I bought him what he wanted, a Playstation 3.
I'm glad that I bought it because there's no telling what else he would've done to 
me..




































































































Details | Senryu | |

' In Like ... ' 38th Senryu


   Took Liberties, Son
Lassitude, ‘Cause Liaisons
 Are Just, Lust-Lonesome


Details | Rhyme | |

CONTROL

I’m a control freak, for this much I know,
I hate to admit, but I can’t let go.
For I must face it, there’s no turning back,
But then who’s counting, or who’s keeping track?

My friends always know, that I’ll drive my car,
Even when traveling, not really that far.
I won’t fly on planes; no it’s not the fare,
They will not give me, that darn pilot’s chair.

I feel the need, to always protect,
Bad things can happen, so let’s not forget.
Kids think they know all, and safe they will be,
But what if high winds, take down someone’s tree?

Going on field trips, they won’t make a fuss,
My kids don’t want me, to ride on their bus.
“Bus drivers are good, and go somewhat slow”,
They will assure me, so I will not go.

When they start driving, I’m nothing but nerves,
“Make sure you go slow, especially round curves”.
“Where are you going to, and coming back home?”
“Don’t text while you drive, or talk on your phone.”

“Alright mom” they say, while walking away,
“We sure do love you, we will be okay.”
I worry until, in the door they come,
I ask them calmly, “Did you both have fun?”

I know when they’re gone, I cannot patrol,
It is very hard, giving up control.
When they grow older, a family they start,
They too will control, it comes from the heart.


Details | Free verse | |

Soggy Rings of Victory

early Saturday morning
I wake up to
coffee brewing and
cartoons blaring

making my way into the kitchen
I hear Looney Toons
from the living room
and the shower running

I quietly enter the bathroom
smiling and undressing
to surprise you

pulling back the shower curtain
with the Technicolor duckies
I find our son in
full snorkeling gear
desperately trying to sink
an entire box of Cheerios

embarrassed
I grab my robe and
head to the living room
to find you laughing
through your Cocoa Puffs at
the hilarity ensuing on TV

after a quick good morning kiss
I lick the dribbled milk
from your goatee
and head to the kitchen for
that much needed coffee

before my first sip
our son emerges from his adventure
covered in soggy
rings of victory


Details | Free verse | |

Bee's

{bee's}

the dancing machines
please stay away from everyone's knees
you very nasty

{bee's}

Please please please
stay away from especially
my knees you very nasty 
and honorable theives

{bee's}

so please fly off to those daisies
for these these these are the only way I want it to

{ bee's }





Little Song Jenny And I came Up When She Was 4 LOL 
Thanks All For Stopping

Also Entry For Matt Caliri's Contest
Funnest-hardest Poem Ever


Details | Free verse | |

My Son's Cats Got Out!

Now I'm glad your all not a neighbor
I'm embarrassed enough
The kids left the screen door open
Out ran to balls of fluff

There's nothing better
To cause a community bicker
Than two call for your cats
"Pus-y" and "Licker"

Pardon me while I track down my son...


Details | Lyric | |

we started out kinda

we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool,
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be your man,
aint tryna be ya friend (be ya friend)

so tell me do you like it
drop, top, mercedes benz
top up ,cause your hair be (blowin thru da wind)
wheels spinning, hair did( blingin ring) ya dig

she pull up at the club lookin like, millions,
billions, watching you from a distance
all the fellas be watching you like a vision
ya sexy thighs,sexy hip, sexy midsect
looking real good,make a reggin wanna hit that,
forget that, i think im ready for commitment
so are you ready for submission

"oh"

n-e-ways, i know you with him for a short change
but you and me together forever,
will never change
when i was younger all i thought  about was spitting game
never caring about your feeling was to remain,
the same, im sorry i cause you all this pain ( i promise you)
i fill them all with brighter days
(and hopefully) i just get a chance to say, that
(i love you) and i hope that you feel da same way 

Hmmm....


we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be ya man
aint tryna be ya friend, be ya friend

i aint tryna be ya friend...
girl i only wanna be ya man
so baby want you let me in...
and i promise it will never end
repeat2x


Details | Narrative | |

MI COMMA TO AMERICA ( I CAME TO AMERICA ))

Mi camma to America wid a passion for moni en fud,
hoppin to getta rich;
en de sai det gold is founda in striz!
Mi work en work ol dei
to meke sam dollar,
en mi eat pizza, en drink vino...
mi wanna be lika Al Pacino:
a famos attor ov Hollivud! 
En me veit too mani iers, to see butiful voman 
laika Marilin Monro...whata a fess!
Whata a bodi! A Diva so sexi!
En mi wanna be laika Valentino from Italia,
to sedus ol duh pritty ladi vid mi ciarma;
en ol kiss mi...O locki Casanova!  

English Translation:

I come to America with a passion for money and food,
hoping to get rich;
and they say that gold is found on streets!
I work and work all day
to make some dollar,
and I eat pizza and drink wine...
I would like to be like Al Pacino
a famous actor in Hollywood!
And I waited many years to see beautiful women
like Marilyn Monroe...what a face!
What a body! A Diva so sexy!
And I like to be like Valentino from Italy,
to seduce all the pretty ladies with my charm;
and they all kiss me...O lucky Casanova!!

Entered in Deborah's Gucci, " Dialects make the world go around "
(Brooklyn-Italian dialect)

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Verse | |

Breeding A Man

People look and critique ME,
By everything my words and my MANNERISMS.
It’s kind of hard not to have MANNERISMS.
 
When, I was raised by, A MAN.

I guess because my father says, 
“I should be A MAN”,
I have only my father to teach me
What, I need to be TAUGHT.
The toys he BOUGHT
OUGHT,
To be for a child, or a soon to be A MAN.

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

People wonder why I look like A MAN.
I talk like A MAN.
I walk like A MAN.
I dress like A MAN,
I also date the same sex as A MAN!

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why am I looked down UPON?
Because my father wanted to have a SON
But, treated my like the son he never HAD!
All I knew was DAD
Why didn’t I HAVE?
The same toys my friends HAVE!

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why couldn’t I grow up to be NORMAL?
Why do people look at me like I’m ABNORMAL?
I am as NORMAL,
As the next ABNORMAL
Child, growing up without a CHOICE.
I feel pain too, I also feel REMORSE!
But yet no one feels my REMORSE!
Maybe it is their CHOICE.

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

I didn’t buy anything that was BOUGHT!
I learned to fight as my father bred me to,
 	And to fight, as he had FOUGHT!
But it was my father gain and my LOST,

Yet I still don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why? Was I born a girl?
Yet I was BRED A MAN!


Details | Rhyme | |

Let's Duke It Out

I was born in nineteen sixty nine
just off the block and in my prime
now let me introduce you to 
some pertty good friends of mine

Let's start with my uncle Jesse
to me he looks like he's ninety nine
but I love to watch him when he
takes nips from his moonshine 

Here's my owners Bo and Luke 
cousins of a kind just hanging out
with Daisy who looks 
so sweet and so darn fine

But There's some other folks
that just don't like our kind
its those sheriff folks thats
watching the hazzard county line

Starting with their fearless leader Boss Hogg
Who's radioing all the frigging time to
Cooter and Davenport And to that rascal
Rosco P Coltrane who he cannot find

Now my life is such sweet devine
when your jumping in and out of my windows 
while running from those sheriffs from Georgia County line
in my general lee waving a confederate flag thats in it's prime
Honking my horn to a dixie tune of same kind



Tribute To The Dukes Of Hazzard LOL


Also Entry For
Christopher Higgin's 
Get Your Rebel On!


Tho This Poem Is Not About A Person 
Changing My Life But The Time Era Did
And Something About That Show Changed Me
About Opening Your Heart And Home To All


Details | I do not know? | |

That damn mohel!

(This is a fictional poem)

When I was a baby, my parents hired the cheapest mohel they could find.
The son of a _____ cut off my wiener because he's blind.
I have no penis and that makes me a freak.
I have to use a tube when I take a leak.
I'm not the only one who lost his wiener because of that butcher.
You can probably tell that it was also done to Ashton Kutcher.
After they hired him to circumcise me, my future was very grim.
If you have a baby boy, you better keep your son away from him.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Park


I scooter, or razor
which ever you like.
I jungle gym and sand box,
I even take a hike
To sipty cup 
And back with it.
And oh yes I got
The baseball mitt.
I push the swing,
I made a kite.
Still tangled 'round 
My shoe tonight.
I roll the ball,
I carry a shirt.
Gently ran off
lil' tiny flirts.
Not because I 
Think they shouldn't,
But because to 
Share I couldn't.
Too much fun 
we were enjoying
No time have we
For lil' girl cloying.
Now in lap 
And quite contented
Til sun comes up
His vim augmented.


Details | Lyric | |

piss poor of a man

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

i dont see
why you cant get it right
you come in-late at night
we start to-fuss and fight
youre not actin right

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

im the kind -
who speaks her mind
boy you wasting my time
i think you should leave
cuz you keep hurting me

plz dont testify
dont wanna here no lies
you can not change my mind
you wasting your time

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend
repeat2x:

i guess you cant 
get it right
you will never
get it right
all i asked of you
was to treat me right

breakdown:
you slept around
"back then"
you even slept
"with my friend"
youre trifflin
"to the end"
you and me
"never again"

you never payed a bill
never asked how i feel
you never payed attention
never take time to listen

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

you think
you got it like that
when in fact it's not like that
you need to step on back
listen to all these facts

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend
"friend"
repeat2x:


Details | I do not know? | |

That damn clown!

(This is a fictional poem)

At my son's birthday party I whooped a clown.
One punch was all it took to send that bastard down.
That clown made a pass at my wife right in front of my son.
After I knocked him down, I blew his balls off with a gun.
As they put him in the ambulance, I heard him moan.
Now he walks and talks like a woman because he has no testosterone.


Details | I do not know? | |

XBOX 360

(This is a fictional poem)

Last Christmas I went to Wal-mart to buy the last XBOX 360 they had.
But a man grabbed it as I reached for it and that made me mad.
I tripped him with my foot and he fell to the floor.
I grabbed the XBOX 360 and ran out of the store.
But I forgot to pay for it and I went to jail.
When my son didn't get his XBOX 360, he raised hell.
While I was behind bars, it was hard for me to cope.
But things got worse one day when I dropped my soap.


Details | Verse | |

Sundance Kid

THE SUNDANCE KID

Lively bursts of sudden air arise out of my sighs of rushed venom-
-out pops my eyes.
I can't believe my sight--I see my kid in Sundance dance,
all eager to please and pump.
The courage gives the love, it lives, it's alive
it's spreads out of his body, only five.
While he's flying off the ground I think to myself, he's got to be kidding around.

What's up is love and freedom and dancing in the sun.
My son lit, light bright and orange yellow streaks coming out of his being. 
He's just being a kid, right?
He kicks up his small, brown stamped leather boots,
with little blue jean jeans and his red bandana shirt.
His hat on his head is cowboy suede and he yelps,
"I am the Sundance Kid, and rain drops keep falling on my head", as he falls into 
the muddy dirt.
I swirl and twirl, my brain rambling, and blankly stare in strange glaring curiosity.

"How does he know who the Sundance Kid is?"  "How does he know Raindrops 
Keep Falling On My Head?"
And just as I am pondering the mysteries of a child's consciousness, a bicycle 
built for two rides by and the rain begins to pour in front of my panicked, 
frightened astonished adult face.  My child begins to sing "Raindrops Keep 
Falling on My Head" and I hear the sound of music.
Marla Stone


Details | Ballad | |

Bubba Spent the Night

Our son asked can a friend stay over
He just moved here from dover
The friend says tonight's Friday, usually we have pig's innards
He says my name is Cleetus Billy Joe Jim Bob Jones, after he stutters out his 
name, it's time for dinner
But you can call me Bubba, he seems very polite
I pray no nightmares as Bubba spends the night
I tell him we are having Makerel Cakes and Mac and Cheese
He says I will take four cakes and two helpings if you please
Boy you sure do have an appetite
I tell my son our budget won't allow Bubba to ever again spend the night
Soon dinner is over and Bubba still wants to eat
I grab a funnel and melted bacon fat and tell him to have a seat
He says we eat fatback soup sometimes on a weekday
He tells me the doctor tells his whole family, that sometime their arteries will turn 
to clay
bubba says I don't eat for calories, I eat for taste
I tell Bubba, if you keep eating like that you will become hazardous waste
He laughs and cheers in delight
This all happened when Cleetus Billy Joe Jim Bob Jones spent the night
At 2 am he asks for a snack
I give him a sleeve of Ritz crackers and a pound of Monterey Jack
I hand him a jar of Grey Puopon
He says after I eat this, there may be trouble in your john
He smiles and asks for a Diet Coke
I try to watch my health, I don't drink or smoke
Eight more hours, then our budget will be alright
He asks when is the next time I can spend the night


Details | Quatrain | |

SPIRITS AT THEIR DOORSTEPS

Chilly October has quickly brought in
another spirited, indelible Holloween;
allowing our witty and insane minds 
to plan the craziest, wildest things.


Witches, wizards, goblins and ghosts
all join in to give a bone-chilling night;
I put on a custom so dazzlingly white,
to scare anyone who laughs and boasts.


This ghost is never spoken of in any tale,
unknown by name, leaving no easy trail;
the only thing he does well is making sneers,
and send everyone scrambling with screams.


How frightened and pale these kids must really be,
when they cuddle up in their beds and can't sleep,
thinking of those spirits at their doorsteps;
lots of fun and delight at their expense...         


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm at the end of my rope

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm in jail because my son stopped going to school.
My cellmate is smelly and I'm fed nothing but gruel.
I'm very depressed and I'm at the end of my rope.
I've been begging my cellmate to take a bath and use some soap.
My son is proud of himself and he brags because he's never cried.
But that will change when I get out of here and tan his hide.


Details | Lyric | |

imma triplethreat

ima triplethreat
im clamin the flame
and during ice age
i was the comet that came
))))HIT IT(((


Details | Blank verse | |

Running with Scissors

The alphabet but has held true
you get the paper I'll get the glue
clipping and shaving spreading everywhere
giggles and laughs seaping through fingers
the hushing back and forth
don't wake mom
don't make a mess
don't run with scissors
for all those rules we had to break
for that defines what a child is all about
a surprise for her from us
to give her a smile that will make her bust
for everyday is mother's day
when your child runs with scissors
creating something new
something old
something blue
a perfect marriage of innocence and youth
a match made in heaven
for it is but a blessing to have children 


Details | Rhyme | |

Miserable little brat

(This is a fictional poem)

My son makes Dennis the Menace look like Opie Taylor.
He has the manners of a tyrant and the mouth of a sailor.
He's only eight years old and he uses the F word.
He cusses me out and then he gives me the bird.
I  ask him to stop cussing but he says hell no.
That's the last time that I'll let him watch HBO.
He cussed out his principal who happens to be deaf.
I'm glad he can't hear because my son called him an MF.
He circumcised me with my pocket knife and my wiener sure is sore.
Somebody please shoot me so I won't have to take his crap anymore.


Details | I do not know? | |

Shut the damn door!

(This is a fictional poem)

Shut the damn door, it's cold outside!
Shut the damn door or I'll tan your hide!
I'm getting tired of you letting the cold air in.
I took you to the woodshed yesterday and I'll take you there again.

You figure that because you're over seven feet tall, you can give me sass.
I may be shorter than you but I can still kick your ___.
Shut the damn door, it's below zero degrees!
Shut it now or I'll put you over my knee!


Details | Free verse | |

Playmate

Looking out 
Of our upper room window
Over looking the garage
Where my old court stand still, with
Its ring attached to the cemented wall 
I see my dearest son, five years old
Playing basket by himself
Dribbling the ball
Zigzagging, against the unseen opponent 
Then he jumped, releasing 
A long range shot
And the ball landed into the net. Shoot, three points
So happy to see him, playing
Thou, as he walks to recover the ball, to do it again
I can feel his breath
Heavy and discontented, touching my heart
That made me whisper to the wind
Don’t worry, son
Dad’s rushing enough to give you happiness
I promise you
You’ll have your own playmate
Your beautiful mom is now one month late



Details | Ballad | |

Side-Kicks

Rabbit was my turtle who never won a race
Red is my fish but he's blue in the face
And I love my pets but they do no tricks
So I play all day and sleep at night with my sidekicks

My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!  My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!
Sometimes we stand on bricks, play swords with sticks
Sometimes we have tools for fixin', lollipops for lickin'
But when it's time quit and switch, they're still my fav clique
My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!  My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!   (Chorus)

Smokey is my cat and I love him too
Got a little kitty, named her Crystal blue
And another fish in a bowl I call Fins
But they do no tricks, so I play with my sidekicks again

I got Teddy and Roy and my bulldog Bully
And at bath time I get to dunk my pal Sully
Then there's Croc but is he an alligator
And Fishy is orange, before I see you later
I gotta tell ya Mr. Duck is now Mr. Quacks
But my favs of all time is Tang Tang and Scratch

And though they're stuffed animals~ they do all the tricks
Like my play friend Jerry- they're my sidekicks

(Chorus)

A Song for my son Caleb at age 4


Details | Fibonacci | |

Oops, Not Yet, My Dear! (Fibonacci)

it
is 
quarter
to midnight
we lay ourselves, on
the bed, her breath demands, willing… 
to intertwine, while my naughty right foot tickles hers 

the touch of a lonely bourgeois, searching under the 
silk sheet of love, with a hope, not 
only mine, but her 
own silent 
gasping
is 
at

par 
as
my own
wanting grows
and now, night-clubbers 
bowing their commitment, homage 
to lovers of midnight glory; a total silence 

as they pass thru dim-lit corridor, ‘cos we, they know
are surely amongst the many
too excited, in 
exploring 
what’s life
has
for

us
in
serene
night, but then
the clock strikes midnight
awakens the fragility
of the moon---begging to be in-between, till morn comes



Details | Rhyme | |

Amnesia (Mixed Rhyme)

Love, you know I yelled at this lady;
Not that I envied her slim body,
But ‘cos she claimed, you as her buddy;
She asked me if your name is Teddy;
Her son said: please, return my daddy.

So, I ask you: Is there something I should know?
Just be honest, and I’ll not start a fight;
Gee, I’ve no idea of this lady you saw; 
Have not you guarded the bird very tight!? 

Then, why was she looking for you? 
All I ask myself is why;
She’s cold stare; as I passed by,
She said, you and her, is this true? 

Oh please, stop it, honey! It’s just in your mind, 
Those silly things that I never even thought; 
Thou my heart is such a rhymer, still, I’m thine; 
And you really think, by her, I will be caught?

Maybe, she’s not in her good head;
But, her son looks like you, she said; 
Enough, here you go again; 
You know, your nagging makes me sick! 
Outraged, she hit him with a stick;
He laughed at her, with disdain.

Insulted by his deeds, she pushed…and pushed him;
And he fell, banging his head against a beam;
This caused him to see dancing stars in a gleam.

Shook his head….and walks to the door,
Leaving her, sobbing, on the floor.

Love, where are you going? She asked.
He looked back and said with voice, hushed. 

I’m going to my wife and son.
She screamed: No, no…you are my man!

You? Never met, my name’s Teddy.

And, you are not my slim lady.


Details | ABC | |

My Wig (

We leave on vacation to see the Grand Canyon 
I ask my son when is the last time ha changed his socks, his feet smell like 
salmon 
My wife laughs and says that isn't his feet, it's his breath 
I tell her no more equate toothpaste, we're switching to Crest 
My wife says in a panicky voice, I forgot my social life line 
I tell her to calm down, everything will be fine 
She says, turn around and head toward home with the speed of a Russian Mig 
We can't take this trip, I can't be without my wig 
One hour and two tickets later we finally arrive back home 
Now she has her wig in hand and her voice has a nice, calm tone 
She says what are we waiting for, let's be on our way 
It's only 9:30am, it's already been a long, long day 
Now we are back to the area where we had to turn around 
I remember that singles club called Lost and Found 
As evening settles in, we stop by an eatery called The Autumn Twig 
She says please bear with me as I put on my wig 
My son and I sit in the car quietly, as we are close to death from a lack of food 
My wife tells us let's enjoy our vacation, you two need to adjust your attitudes 
We sit in the car and watch as people come out of this greasy spoon diner 
I keep reading their slogan, If you're lookin' for rib stickin' food ain't none finer 
I keep having these visions of me at the table, eating so much, my wife and son 
call me a pig 
Finally she is done fixing her wig 
I watch in horror as the Diner's lights go off 
My dream is gone, no pig, no trough 
She says in disgust, that's just great, where can we get a bite to eat now 
I tell her about a barbecue joint five up the road called Four Sides of a Cow 
She says okay, but I could not belive what she just did 
She smiles and says I told you everything will be okay, as she removes her wig 
We arrive outside the place rated as some of the best barbecue around 
She throws her wig on the dash and laughs like a circus clown 
She says my hunger has taken over, I believe she's flipped her lid 
She says let's go on inside, these people don't know me, they have never seen 
me without my wig


Details | ABC | |

Crap in the balls

so me and my girlfriend
the kids gettin on our nerves
devise this plan to meet
bring the kids and our angst
we meet at burger world
we talk trash about our men
trash bout the girl next to us
start noticing, kids running out
Mama, Mac pooped in the balls!
geuss he got too enveloped
in what he was playin in
he failed to understand
that he had crapped his pants
So kids runnin everywhere screamin
cuz  some kid in the balls
had crapped his pants
and it's everywhere on the walls
Not proud to say
I made an instant decision
To grab the kids, crap and all
and get the hell out of there





Details | Rhyme | |

Only a man can relate

A look of shame upon her face.
I know he told her, he must've told her

A silent scorn, a look of shame
As if I've wrecked our family name.

"Good morning ma, how is your day?"
...A quiet scorn, a look of shame.

he told her. He must've told her.

Oh mommy please look at me.
Talk to me.
Be kind to me.

Oh daddy hell, why'd you tell her.
You're a man, you know better

A look of shame upon her face.
Yeah, she's grief-stricken.
obviously sickened.
Daddy walked in,
while I was choking the chicken.

A silent scorn upon her face
caught watching porn, a great disgrace.
hands on board.
pants on floor.
well i was bored,
porn struck a chord.

Yes i was yanking it
Yes i was cranking it
oh ma, please dont throw a fit
just Cuz i was spanking it! 


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm going to tell my daddy on you

(This is a fictional poem)

When People pick on me, I say "I'm going to tell my daddy on you."
All of my friends say that I shouldn't do that because I'm forty-two.
When people bother me, I always tell my dad.
He spanks me because it makes him mad.
Last week my neighbor's daughter stole my tricycle and I was riled
I started sucking my thumb and Daddy said I was acting like a child.
People are wrong when they say I act like a child, a child wouldn't drive a Viper.
But on the other hand, I'm the only forty-two year old man who wears a diaper.
Daddy told me to grow up and act like a man.
I threw a tantrum because I don't think I can.


Details | I do not know? | |

Breast feeding

(This is a fictional poem)

You are a nut and people are laughing at you.
You still breast feed at the age of twenty-two.
When you were a child, you learned how to use the toilet and how to get dressed.
But you never learned to stop sucking your mama's breasts.
Women won't go out with you because you are weird.
You're the only person that breast feeds who has a beard.
You are a laughing stock and you're a very bizarre dude.
Stop sucking your mom's boobies and start eating solid food.


Details | Lyric | |

get wild

get wild
get down
all the ladies drop it down to the ground
get wild 
get loose
all the ladies shake yo kaboos

now step to the flo
and do the tootsie roll
drop it low
and bend ya back on the pole

now turn off the lights
naw turn them back on
i see a fine dizzle
with a tight dress on
close the door and report to th floor
close your eyes, ima dance between
ya thighs
makin it hot,doin what ya heart desire
makin it hot,makin it hot like fire

lets mingle
are you single
if you are
lets make a hit jingle

get wild
get down
all the ladies drop it down to the ground
get wild
get loose
all the ladies shake yo kaboos

when the beat kicks in
everybody scream
get wild, get loose
everybody scream


Details | I do not know? | |

Doll

(This is a fictional poem)

I burned my son's inflatable doll.
He'll have a real woman or no woman at all.
When he learned what I did, he cussed me out.
I took him to the woodshed and he started to pout.

When I found his doll, I was shocked.
Now I know what he was doing everytime his door was locked.
When it comes to my son's love life, it is pretty dim.
Everybody learned about his doll and now no girl will go out with him.


Details | Lyric | |

all about me

everywhere i go
its like im walking runways
all eyes be on me
like christ on sundays
i aint gotta pray no moe
god lives next doe
i sit so high
i thought i letcha knoe
i am "what" ur not
thats a sure shot
theres no takin myspace
this is no parking lot
ima tell ya right nie
theres no testin me
if  ya all in my face
ima press delete
i careless about ya crew
and you too
if dem bit-ches wanna play
i'll delete dem too
yeah i know you mad
that im so hot
that im negative number 1
on tha bill board spot
i aint gotta blaze
i dont have to haze
but ur heat is temporary like microwaves
u in this race
u jogged while i ran
and yes sirrrr, i got  fans in the klan
i heard a rapper say somethin
that was real real cleaver
that he was the best rapper alive
but bit-ch im tha best ever


Details | Lyric | |

kiss my wowsers

chauvinistic piglet
you and your niglets
can try it for free, 
my butt cheeks,
you can kiss it
im not finish
no thats not it
ima let them know
you aint about shhh
44 years of age
and still dont have shhh
get yo life together
before i call you mr it
lick between my cracks
and swollow my shhh 


Details | Free verse | |

Bluebell Park

Only you,  
I want in my arms,               	
Yet I feel you don’t want my own charm.
                      
You know I love you,
“O, run not from me!” I asked; and     
You said: “I’m not, but I want to be free!”

See, your eyes
Are tinged with desire; 
Though you whispered you love me, but…

The way 
You kissed me, 
I fully understand; ok then, you’re free.

Just 
Be careful,
When you play, out there, my dearest son!
 

  


Details | Lyric | |

relax your mind

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we cant waste no time

boy im feelin you
im hungry for you
if you do it right
a sista, might cook for you

plz dont say a word
im takin over (yeah) "word"
ima take it slow
up and down
i grind real slow

you climbing up the stairs
until ive reached my peak
you plugged real deep
then you erupted me

creme filin, oozin
my mind im, losin
i like the way you take control
this feelin-taken over me

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we can do it all night

relax your mind
cause its about that time
tonite we bump and grind
we cant waste no time


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm Eric Cartman's father

(This is a fictional poem)

I became Eric Cartman's father after I slept with his mother.
She turned out to be a very lousy lover.
A paternity test showed Cartman's mom to be a hermaphrodite.
But I know for a fact that that's not right.
I was drinking booze when I went to South Park about ten years back.
I regret the experience because she's a whore on crack.


Details | I do not know? | |

Egged

(This is a fictional poem)

When I was eight, I went trick or treating as Mickey Mouse.
When a man refused to give me some candy, I egged his house.
My friends started cheering because they were proud of me.
But I didn't know that the man has a son who's seven feet three.
He ripped off my costume and I forgot to wear anything underneath.
I had to cover my genitalia and my butt with a rock and a leaf.
I have something very important to say to you.
Don't egg anybody's house because they might have a son who's over seven feet 
tall too.


Details | Lyric | |

unsolved

it's still a mystery
unsolved-thats me
triplethreat-thats me
no one cant compete
knockin down doors
you bowin down to my feet
im not gon stop
and i dare u hattas knock me
cause when i fall
you'll be still be lookin up to me


Details | I do not know? | |

Crybaby

(This is a fictional poem)

My seventeen year old son has been getting his ### kicked.
When I learned who is whooping him, I felt sick.
It's a six year old girl who is giving him his beatings.
My son is a wimp and he allows these whoopings to keep repeating.

When I learned that my son is a coward, it made me mad.
He's a little ##### and I think that's bad.
That six year old girl beats him up and takes his lunch money.
Everybody laughs because they think it's funny.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
The time has come for me to intervene.
He's making himself look like a fool.
I'm going to take the crybaby out of that school.


Details | I do not know? | |

My Son

I watch this boy as he grows, from youth into manhood in no time at all.
Like watching summer move into Fall.
His eyes are deep with knowlegde and insite.
His ways are gentle and polite.
I marvel at this friend of mine and try to get inside.
I will talk to him today during our car ride.
"What are you thinking, please share your thoughts, it's what I want to know."
"I'm just thinking if I was spiderman, how really fast I'd go."




Details | Lyric | |

cant stop now

on dubs, on my way, to the club
cadillackin all the fellaz showin lov
ice tea in the lac
yeah im drinking that
all my girls in the back
yeah they looking phat

walk up in the club
lookin real fly
smoke scene
i walk through
i caught ya eye

ice cream
yeah they know i have nice things
bam boom
bada bing
i make ya eyes gleem


no we wont stop
no we wont stop
"no"
we can not stop
we can not
"hell no"
repeat 5x:

we up in the club
where i do my damn thang
playing the cuts
dj playin the bang
fellas on the side
i make ya get a high
got a taste of my love
without stickin inside

instrumental break:

no we wont stop
no we wont stop
"no"
we can not stop
we can not
"hell no"
repeat2x:

on the flo
you like the way i twork that
when in fact
you not gon get to hit that

its like a dice
cuz you shakin all in yo pants
dont raise yo hands
cuz im not gon letcha stick it in

got it lock in the club
where its gettin hot
we at the best of the best
we at the hot spot