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Funny Pain Poems | Funny Poems About Pain

These Funny Pain poems are examples of Funny poems about Pain. These are the best examples of Funny Pain poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Jogger and Logger

For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"

There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin

* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.

Copyright © Isaiah Zerbst

Details | Narrative | |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.

Copyright © DR Robert Gonzo

Details | Burlesque | |

The Impatient Patient

Today's true tom tale;

Today was Dr. day at the clinic
I ended up the day quite a cynic
I'd been awake three days,
With a toothache and pain that slays
My jagged teeth cutting up my tongue
And the promise of help to which I clung
For no more of this pain could I endure,
I desperately did seek some kind of cure

Appointment at 2:15- told the taxi 1:30
I knew the fib was a tad dirty...
"Hedge the bet" one might say,
Sad to think one must be that way,
Of course in this case he showed up at 1PM
And I was in the waiting room at 1:15
Fastest response I'd ever seen.

So I sat in the waiting room as
Clerical shifts came and went
My patience seemed nearly spent

At last I was escorted to an examining room,
To sit and ponder my future doom...
For over an hour I sat there,
Reading all the posters on the wall,
About various diseases,
Soon I had them all!
Cervical cancer,
Malignant volvulus,
Infected ovaries,
Fibroid tumors in my uterus,
A glumaceous gluteus,
Obstructed bowels,
Deviated septum
Anemia, edemia
Enlarged prostate,
Shrunken prostate
Eczema, Lupus
All these for me!

I hoped he didn't keep me 
waiting too much longer,
Surely I wasn't getting stronger....
I'd be dead in ten more afflictions
If he could not cure all these conditions.

I felt my life force start to fade
Look at what these posters made!
Surely life was slipping away,
I couldn't stand,
I began to sway.

In he finally came,
Suddenly I did not feel
the same,
I might survive the day after all,
My approaching death grew
rather small.

Next time, bring a book,
For in terms of time,
It hardly took,
Much time to catch
All these ills,
Or at least come in,
With made out wills.

Copyright © tom bell

Details | Free verse | |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 

Copyright © J. W. M. Earnings

Details | Rhyme | |

The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos will cramp your balls, 
You’ll get migraine headaches.”

Copyright © Robert Candler

Details | Rhyme | |

My Valentine

I knew I was in danger 
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama 
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city 
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because 
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on 
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house 
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.

Copyright © Vince Suzadail Jr.

Details | Light Poetry | |

On Thin Ice

Aware .....
Did someone see
My butt is sore
Did someone see
Now I'm sure both yellow and blue
Did someone see
I look around quickly
Did someone see
I wish I could shout loud
Did someone see
I get up in a hurry
Did someone see
I wet my butt
Did someone see

A-L  Andresen :)

Copyright © Anne Lise Andresen

Details | Haiku | |

Beware The Skunk

Foam came from Pete’s mouth,
with a skunk biting his butt;
rabies on the run.

Copyright © Jerry Stevenson

Details | Bio | |

Solitude: To Yoda, An Ode

Green bark a prism creates,
Feel the pull of earth, you must.

Rotates, a slime of endless hates,
Can hold me not, this world’s crust.

Friendship’s ties, isolation Deflates,
Succumbs, my spaceship, to bitter rust.

Mist, my soul forever permeates,
Lift-off, booms the rocket’s thrust.

My spirit when light returns, elates,
Swamps swell, swallowed hope’s swirling dust.

Trapped, I am, until student from fate
Arrives to learn; Cloud City or bust.

Copyright © Dan Keir

Details | Haiku | |


Lookin' after pests
Keepin' a CLOSE eye on 'em
"Those wild animals!"

Roamin' around zoo
Searchin' for sneaky monkey
Hidin' in a tree

Zookeeper gets mad
"Where's Marty, the smartypants!?"
"He TOOK my cage keys!"

Copyright © J. W. M. Earnings

Details | Free verse | |

Conspiracy: Who Killed The Easter Bunny

A crowded table, all suspended in shock 
The sound of the shot dimming to a ‘knock’
Only silence, except for the marching clock
The weapon still smoking; an anonymous glock

Loud cries arise from the elongated table,
Jack Frost is shocked, the Tooth Fairy unable
To speak whilst Santa is checking the stable
For clues on the erstwhile maidservant Mable

They searched for hours, called in C.S.I,
Panic set in, would the children all cry?
Sandman confirmed the bunny had died
Batman suspected somebody had lied

Guests were quizzed, interrogations began
The mystery unfolded when Santa Claus ran,
Grabbing the pies, he tried escaping in a van
But was stopped in his tracks by superman

Copyright © Dan Keir

Details | Rhyme | |

The Grape Pain

Today I am a grape Hanging on a vine Perhaps to be plucked one day Ending up in someones wine Maybe I'll be bitter One of the worst ones you could eat Or possibly be the most tastey ones The sweetist of the sweet I hang with a bunch of others That I see all through the day Longing to be anywhere But there seems to be no way Seeing alot of other beauties Farther down the line Hoping they will notice me When I'm plump and in my prime though now the nights are getting colder Others have begun to all fall down Bunches of dying grapes Laying everywhere on the ground Unable to handle this madness I'm letting go of this vine tonite So I won't have to wake to this sadness That I must see through each days light
Dan Kearley:9-21-11

Copyright © Dan Kearley

Details | Free verse | |

Soy Sauce Spills

Soy sauce drains 
Into the white, clustered rice
Stepped on…
spills . . . 
Soy sauce taints
The whiteness of the grain
 It slips out of my hands
No point in crying out in rage
Though I was starving, 
I'll just eat another thing and start on a new page

I'm hungry like a swine
I wish I can earn back my snack!
I'm as angry as a bull
I'm about ready to attack! Attack!
Soy sauce packages
Fall unto the dirty school ground
Stepped on
By bratty, conceited teens
They really need to eat their greens
Instead of junkfood and pizza
They should drink some water
Instead of drinking sugary drinks or
 Sucking on popsicles obnoxiously
Why did the soy sauce spill? Seriously....

Copyright © J. W. M. Earnings

Details | Triolet | |



They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits

Living with them is such a farce

They can be such a pain in the arse

Intelligence is rather sparse

Never listen unless it suits

They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits

If only the good Lord Had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow

They would have switches by their ear

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

Speech On or Off and fertile On or Off. That's clear

What bliss to be a fellow

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow

Copyright © Brian Terry

Details | Free verse | |

Have You Ever Read

Dedicated to an author by the name of William Golding... Enjoy!!!

~Two boys meet on an island
~~One is skin 'n bones
~~~The other one is chubby

They discover a lagoon~
Ralph teases him by calling~~
him "Piggy" -  how mean!!~~~

Piggy asks him if
There are other people on 
The island with 'em

He has no clue
But this'll answer Piggy's question --
Other boys appear - 
All diverse shapes and sizes
What'll happen next??

You'll see...

Have you ever read The Lord of the Flies?
I recommend it if yah haven't read it yet - I must admit
It's a book full of adult words and it's simply...FASCINATING! - no lies
You should read it - or you'll regret it!

Copyright © J. W. M. Earnings

Details | I do not know? | |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!

Copyright © J. W. M. Earnings

Details | I do not know? | |

Pain as a Hobby VI

You’re too selfish you think I’m talking about you!
Hoping the next girl I meet is much richer
So she don’t have the mentality her p**** is as good as cash
Call me genuine 
It has to be more than that that you’re offering me
But definitely it is a weakness and you use it to exploit me
Make it drip and here comes the money tree
But only if it includes all of the Victoria Secret models in my bedroom
Yes, every single one if not - Hasta La Vista!
I’m stingy
But I can take care of me
I don’t believe in dipping in my federal reserve
And blowing it at a strip club and for what
Just to leave and go back into reality
Pain as a hobby
I’m outside in the big van asking for blood
But I will reserve you a plane ticket to get the f*** outta here
An artist unsigned and unheard of 
But all of that has changed now
I started my own companies
Named it after my daughter and my future son King so
The whole family is making a killing
I can’t wait to see her pick up the mic
And pick up the pad and write
Hell, she can be an astronaut if she likes because her
Dad is in her life
I am robbing Peter and Paul
To make sure she has everything she needs
To be successful
If you get too close to the words I speak
You may see the yellow caution tape
I have you figured out outlined in chalk
Beware, I don’t offer hazard pay.
Kind of the way Yulli and I collaborate 
It’s an incinerator 
Your eyes ripping through the words
And causing a fire storm
Now you’re like superman can’t control 
The heat rays
Don’t burn up yet
That’s the same thing that happened to Freddie Krueger
Once the flames engulf you
We coming for you in your dreams
Don’t go to sleep 
Pain as a hobby
I mean what I say

Copyright © Tavarus M. Moreland

Details | Free verse | |

No Party For Pity

 No party for pity. 
 Question the absurdity. 
 Friends, use discretion 
 if you get an invitation. 
 It's counterfeit. 
 Don't believe it. 
 Don't RSVP, 
 if you receive it. 
 Discard immediately. Don't contemplate. 
 It'll lead you nowhere. Don't save the date. 
 No early, late, or on time arrivals. 
 The doorbell is silent. 
 No lively dinner guests, 
 dressed in their best. 
 No hors d'oeuvres served on a fancy plate. 
 No thought-provoking conversations. 
 No guestbook to sign. 
 No vintage wine. 
 No catered food. 
 No live music for the mood. 
 No celebration for pity's pains. 
 No "congratulations,"  for complaints.         
 No party here. Discard the invitation. 
 Pity's alone, in bitter contemplation.

Copyright © Juliet Ligon

Details | Limerick | |

Dental Procedure

Once upon a time recently
To dentist went confidently
He gave huge novacaine
Suppose to ease my pain
To my heart went incidently

The dentist chiseled tooth away
I didn't want to play rest of day
The morning after~Oh! well
I'll just say, upon pain did dwell  
But money to him still will pay

Sponsor: Black-Eyed Susan
Contest: The Worst Morning After
Written Monday, July 22, 2013
One week since the procedure
and I am still having some pain..
My heart still hasn't settled completely 

Copyright © Sara Kendrick

Details | Light Poetry | |

Cough Drops And Applesauce

Cough Drops and applesauce 
Is what the doctor gave to me 
I don't mean to complain 
But in my side 
I feel a great big pain 
And doctors orders I'll oblige
 It is bad enough 
Every day is getting tough 
And now I am just out of luck 
Stuck with nothing but a cough 

It's been driving me insane 
Living here in all this pain 
It has made my life a very hard thing 
I really don't want to complain 
But I've been left out in the pouring rain 
And tomorrow is another day 
Same to come, same old way  

Copyright © Courtney Courtney

Details | Rhyme | |

Let'er Rip

Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
My pants got hung as I start to unzip!
Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
With the pain from the nip I start to skip!
Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
I guess the women are right I'm well equip!

  T Reams

Copyright © TAMMY REAMS

Details | I do not know? | |

Online Pain

And thus I thought to myself "Pain. T'is rather bad, forsooth."

Why am I writing this? I don't know.
I think I'll give up, sign off and go.
Why the hell am I speaking in rhyme?
I really will leave for sure this time.
Oh, no! I keeping on writing verse!
This affliction just keeps getting worse,
So I'll stop.

Copyright © Sarah Furbank

Details | Rhyme | |


One incident very funny to me happened one day;
so uncommon and weird was it that I couldn’t say
whether it was a reality, a hallucination or a dream:
I was to attend a mermaid-hosted party in a stream;
with this I was surprised, perplexed and proud,
and shouted aloud for the privilege me allowed.

To get to the meeting venue fast, I booked a flight,
but I arrived at the airport late_ a  plight to fight;
I only saw the plane take off_  the flight was missed;
resolute not to miss the meeting, I decided to be bussed.

Actually, I boarded the bus safely and was ready
for the go; the bus roared to life and moved with speed steady;
all of a sudden, we came to a halt in the middle of nowhere;
back to status quo! I won’t retire till I acquire what I desire!

I thought of going by train, but it was too slow;
then I made up my mind that I’d in a boat go;
unfortunately, the boat capsised! We were saved
by sheer luck; I must get to where my mind craved.

Having used all the available transport media
and I remained in my progressless position earlier;
I made the funniest ever possible decision:
to go on foot_trekking_was the decision.

Even with this I wasn’t successful_
evil forces wanted not my success full;
as I was planning to start going,
my legs failed me_they ceased working!

I, in this confused state of mind, slept off;
when I woke up, I saw a letter-like stuff;
‘Come you must against all odds,’ said the fairy letter;
‘What next?’ Annoyed, I shouted and tore the letter.

Copyright © Habeebullahi Basorun

Details | Free verse | |

The Eternal Infernos of Pain

Front and Center!
Those Gates adorned with pearls in Heaven.
White angels soaring. 

If by chance, 
Ordered to enter;
Through St. Peter's Permission; 
I demand from you chancellor; 
A swift insanity plea, submission. 
For this troubled soul is plagued, 
By vast displays of wicked ways. 

None lost. 
Courtesy of meticulous examination. 
Love lost. 

Diligence pending Investigation. 
Key Evidence, perpetually documented 
In Sin's ominous catalog. 
Rebuke my Judge! 
For multitudes of shortcomings, 
He failed to ascertain. 

Moreover, present was He, 
When Satan drafted me. 
First round,
Pick three.
His Fantasy League...
"The Eternal Infernos of Pain" 

JS Lambert

Copyright © JSLambert Mister ROBOTO

Details | Free verse | |

Life Is Just The Funny Part Of it

How does it feel when they are gone, your mother and father, when life is just a dark tunnel of useless feelings, the way they seem to come to you and drag you through a restless floor with rocks and needles for your own personal mental pain, fictionary horizon showing off with blood and death, but yet you smile at so much pain because you never met love and comfort, a table with cards and deals, your soul for a life, but don't die because your gonna burn, burn like you intended to wake and open eyes in this world, since the night was on, from the sides were meant together, scars are there and they are well marked for everytime you look at your self you remember how long has it been since you last held hands with such people, family meant so many lies from before you met this world, the pain in you, the one you thank to every day to be there for you, the one that wasn't suppose to be yours and is still burning through you, like an endless fire that burns down a world of ilussion's, somebody said you were meant for more, your gonna grow higher and higher between every standing man there, the perspective you held for years, dying in your hands tonight, but no one can be fitting simply there, like a magik act agaisn't you, it all chains you to this never before seen hell, but yet you keep on for more, knowing you have no one there, those close will fade just for tomorrows sunrise, but yet you still stand, alone, because many ones have left you cry only for your inside, knowing you will not make it far, you still stand, like a grown man but with the age of a meer one, become what you ain't, become the man of tomorrow, mother is dead, don't you understand his mind screams, she killed herself, she put a bullet in her head, she painted the walls in red for you, father is dead, he is dead! Just move on boy! Move on! Is all you can do or follow their footsteps for nothing, in vain, your still gonna die, but no satan will drag me down, no one will ever, i refuse, i refuse, i rather die in vain after so many years than dying because of my own hand after so much i've been through, i fight for myself and only myself, don't blame me now for been so strong with life, don't spit on me for becoming the god of my own mistakes.

Copyright © Derek Ortiz

Details | Free verse | |


Crazy how when one problem is solved,
Another one arises,
When one thing is lost,
we find another one,
When we give up
someone else moves up,
When we think its the end of the road,
the journey has just began.

Crazy how when one stops hurting,
worry wants to take over,
When we are down and crushed to dust,
freedom calls, wanting to sweep you away like the wind.
Crazy how when i cry,
I realize am normal,
I have emotions and tears.

Funny how When my life is out of control,
When am broken and hurt,
Scared, thinking that this crazy world,
Is going to bring me down,
i find a reason to smile

Copyright © Virginia Kamau

Details | Free verse | |

Love Hurts - The Symptoms

Thoughts displaced by rolling palpitations,
From left to right grow these numbing sensations,
A face which spirals down, drooping from smile to frown.

Time hibernates in this moment protracted,
Legs bow and shake to our drama just acted,
Senses into overdrive, does pain show you’re still alive?

Oxygen masks, Coxes’ rowing commands,
Heart beat machines is what love demands,
“You need time to relax”, prescriptions from Quacks,
Is love just a commonplace heart attack?

Copyright © Dan Keir

Details | Rhyme | |

Medical Science

Here I sit again once more
Another doctor visit today,
More lab work and tests
I just want the pain to go away.

One doctor says its this
Another says its something new,
I'm still left without any answers
While over the weeks my pain grew.

Is this all such a mystery
Are things really so complicated,
Tell me when i'll find this out
Will the pains to the results be related.

Many have faith in medicine
Say doctor's were made by man,
Why do they take their precious time
This is something I'll never understand.

I'm finally in an axam room
Told the doctor will come in a bit,
If i wasnt in so much pain right now
I'd walk out and say forget it.

Copyright © Jodie Steward

Details | Rhyme | |

My Horrible Ex-wife

Many people defend my ex-wife but they don't know her.
On our wedding night, she shot me with a flamethrower.
Before she used the flamethrower, she doused me with gas.
I have third degree burns all over, she really fried my ass.
Six months later, she wanted me to see the Jaguar that she bought.
But it was not a car, it wasn't what I thought.
That large cat tore me open, it really hurt as I got bit and clawed.
When I was standing in a puddle, my ex zapped me with a cattle prod.
After all of that, I'm lucky that I didn't lose my life.
It's those reasons why the bitch became my ex-wife.

(This is a fictional poem)

Copyright © randy johnson

Details | I do not know? | |

Illegitimi non Carborundum

Illegitimi non carborundum ;-)

...Staggering, my vision cloudy,

I fall to the hard ground.

when life’s sharp left-jab leaves my face bloody,

and all that surrounds me, is the desolation of loss I feel all around.

I see myself slipping,

down the abyss to where nothingness exists,

still, I cling on, groping for a foothold,

for my will to stay persists.

I clamber up, I stand my ground, though battered and bruised I may be,

my curtain is not falling yet, I have some fight still left in me.

It is then, in the pit of despair, when all seems bleak and painful and dull,

I summon the strength from deep within,

I rise, slowly, to face the day,

I refuse to sink,

to wallow, to surrender, to throw in the towel,

to drown,

for I am stronger now,

indeed I am, after all the years, and all the battles,

I stand, bruised and bloody,


I stand,

I refuse, to sink, to drown,

for they can try, to punish me some more,

but I shall not allow them to grind me down…


Copyright © Scribbler Of Verses