Shawn and Shauna fell deeply in love
And were on their way to be wed
When a car, on that day, took their lives straight away
As both of their bodies, lie dead
But their spirits were both drawn to heaven
As they stood, in front of the gates
Saint Peter was there, at the top of the stairs
When Shawn hollered loudly “Just Wait"
Now Peter looked puzzled, at Shawn
And said "This is no time to tarry "
Shawn spoke again, and refused to go in
Without being properly married
Saint Peter replied very softly
"We don't do that kind of thing here
But if you're willing to wait,
“I’ll see if I can, get it cleared”
Three months went by, while they waited
Saint Peter, show up with a Priest
"I know it was slow, But I want you to know
You’ll be married Forever at least"
As the wedding was getting started
Shawn asked a question, with doubt
What happens here in heaven
“If this marriage just doesn’t work out”
A silent filled up the heavens
Saint Peter, was shaking his head
And once he regained his composure
This is what Saint Peter said
“It took Three Months to find a Priest
In this Heavenly Foyer
How long do you think, I’ll take for me
Up here, to find you a Lawyer ?”
Written 7 March 2014
Bruce and Jennie, both were 10,
Had been playmates all their lives.
One day, Bruce proclaimed,
“Jennie… most good men have wives.”
He professed his love for her.
Jennie said she loved him too.
They decided that getting married
Was ‘the right thing’ to do.
So, Bruce went to speak to her father,
Who was doing yard work at the time.
“May I speak to you, Mr. Johnson?”
“Sure, Bruce. What’s on your mind?”
“Sir, I love your Jennie;
And Jennie, she loves me;
But we need your permission
To be married… to be “We.”
Impressed by Bruce’s courage,
He knew this confrontation must be tough.
He smiled and asked, “Bruce, are you sure
You love my daughter enough?”
Bruce’s face became stern, he said,
“Mr. Johnson, let me tell you…
I love Jennie so much…and she loves me.
We’re both sure it’s the right thing to do.”
He was moved by Bruce’s ardor,
But permission was not his to give.
So, quick as flash, he responded,
“But Bruce…where will you live?”
“Sir, I measured her room;
Then I measured mine.
Hers is 40 percent bigger.
We’ll live there. We’ll be fine.
If we have extra stuff,
We’ll keep that in my room.
We’ll keep our places neat and tidy.
You won’t even need a broom.
And both our parents can save money
On babysitters too.
Even if you do things on the same night,
You’ll only need one sitter, not two.”
Mr. Johnson was impressed with his logic,
But this marriage idea was no longer funny.
He smiled and said, “That’s good thinking, Bruce;
But what are you gonna do for money?
“Why, Mr. Johnson, I get twelve-fifty a week allowance;
And let me remind you, Jennie also gets ten.
Throw in our birthdays and Christmas cash….
Why, we might even have money to lend.”
Desperate now, he thought,
“Next, I guess they’ll want a car.”
Then he asked, “But Bruce, what if you have kids?”
"Aawww," blushed Bruce... “We’ve been lucky so far.”
His lovely wife is named Heaven
She scolds him seventy times seven
Yet, Big Joe just never really cared
In Heaven he lives happily, hearing impaired!
Stacey Brown 2-6-14
Dr. Ram Mehta contest
Husbands are in heaven
whose wives scold not
Darling will you marry me? I’ll love you for eternity
With honour and hope all of my life, I want to make you my wife
My worldly goods will be yours and I’ll cherish you forever
In sickness and in health, I will leave you never.
Darling this is the best honeymoon, I have ever been on.
Do you know where my golf clubs are? They seem to have gone.
No you can’t go shopping we cannot afford
I have payments to make on my holiday abroad
Darling I need a shirt for tonight’s dinner,
I’m going to the golf clubs for the awards for the winner
No, you don’t need a new outfit, that one you have on will do
Why do you want a new one, that apron really suits you.
Darling we need the money that’s why you do the dishes
If I could afford to have you with me, it would grant me all my wishes.
My shoes need cleaning, I need clean underwear too
I don’t know why you haven’t done them you seem to have nothing to do.
Darling the grass needs cutting why have you left it so long
I think you should do it now, while I just listen to this song
You always say you are tired but I really don’t know why,
You only work twelve hours a day and that’s no reason to cry.
It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.
So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked? Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.
You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.
It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”
“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.
So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.
She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”
ALTERNATE LAST VERSE
“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.
A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.
Hell. It was just a joke.
One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”
“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”
Hell. It was just a joke.
The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder. That’s Miracle Gro.”
Hell. It was just a joke....I guess.
So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.
The sun was shining brightly
As we drove around his land
And showing me his kingdom
First, before he asked my hand
We stopped for cake and coffee
It was almost half past two
And that tall man was shaking
When he told me I love you
He gently bent to kiss me
His lips began shaking fast
I thought this was the moment
That he would ask me at last
We climbed inside his Audi
Driving slowly to his farm
I thought this was the moment
When he gently touched my arm
But no, he was just helping
Me kindly into the house
We both walk in together
Was he playing cat and mouse
At six o’clock he brought me
Out to watch him milk the cows
And sitting on the stone fence
I watched as he fed the sows
I never thought he’d ask me
As I sat perched on my thrown
Then came, will you marry me
And his farm became my home
I know that’s not romantic
In this land of poetry
But standing in the manure
Was better than bended knee
Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
Contest: Will you Marry Me
Freda Cheda was a skank.
Her whole dang body stank.
Frank “Fugly” Ugly loved her anyway.
He thought about her night and day.
They got married and it was quite rank.
Before the "I do" she must choose
A man that does well in dance shoes
His psyche gives a clue
When employing step two
Ply him to the limit with booze
(it was either this or some Gruesome Twosome!)
For Debbie Guzzi's Two Timer's Poetry Contest
What's with that yelling already?
Me Tarzan, Me Man, Me Make Noise
I can see that. Inside voice, please.
You'll wake up Cheetah and you know
How grumpy he gets if his nap is interrupted
Enough, I know already
Me hungry, Jane make lunch
Now wait a minute Jungle Boy, I'm tired
Of waiting on you hand and foot
Make your own lunch
Woman take care of Man, Woman listen to Man, Law of Jungle
That doesn't impress me, loin cloth breath!
Jane talk funny since trip to Ameeereeka
Listen here tree vine jockey, I learned a lot in New Joysee
Women have rights, they used to burn their bras
What is bras, me no understand
Didn't think so. Either you treat me with respect or I'm out of here!
Where Jane go?
Maybe back to New Joysee
Tarzan listen Jane
Jane teach Tarzan respect
Now you're talking
First lesson, what's for lunch?
Hello Honey, are you feeling sunny
or another day of crummy?
Are you going to be grumpy
because your a little lumpy?
Your still my little hunky
because your always spunky.
I love you my sweet Honey
because your never a dummy!
For my sweet hubby T Reams
My wife always says I’m the best
A feeling which brought me much zest
One night wild thoughts flew
In search of a clue
I wondered just who were the rest
Make Me Laugh Contest
For Heather Ober
3 July 2013
The wife plans a spree to buy all
With husband on board at the mall
But as this takes place
He just looks for a space
To sit on a bench in the hall
** for Brian Strand's Footle contest
My wife she says that at housework I suck,
She yelled "pick up a broom you schmuck!"
Babe all that cleanin and dustin
Cuts in to my drinkin and lustin,
But she said "no dustin, no lustin!"...WTF!
Now the wedding had drawn to a close the ceremony past
We found ourselves together and thankfully alone at last
We packed our bibs and bobs into suitcases very quickly
Rushed straight out the door though I felt a little sickly
The shining taxi was waiting to whisk us away
Airport then plane our trip was finally underway
On the plane to his charms I was not immune
This was going to be our magical honeymoon
Coughing and spluttering in the hotel I did lay
Could not get out of bed each and every day
To cruise rugged fiords our plan said next
So out of my sick bed I raised perplexed
This is not what I was thinking to expect
Romance and passion seemed to disconnect
On a small ship along the rugged coast we then did sail
Reveling in the sweet air with every breath we inhaled
At last I thought my dream has finally come true
Our honeymoon would be joyous and not blue
At the Close of the day to the hotel we wandered
Through this night our love would not be squandered
It was wishful thinking we were soon to realize
The honeymoon room had a bed but only single size
This is not what we expected when we happily set out
Dreams of intimate passion is what we thought about
The journey continued at a sedate pace
The wonderful views put a smile on our face
Sadly food poisoning hit me I was constantly sick
Sat hours in the toilets, hubby didn't’t take the Mick
I can now look back at my honeymoon from hell
Twenty four years married we are doing quite well
Just a honeymoon beach vacation,
A fine nuptial love celebration;
We arrived a night early,
We would find hotel surely:
“No rooms” was the sad proclamation.
“An hour away you might find one.”
They were right for we only found…NONE!!
We got off beaten path.
Too tired then to laugh,
Looked for a place “mom and pop” run.
Well, it must have been close to midnight,
Exhausted the lady and her knight;
We found Motel Warwick,
A guest house illicit,
And christened our honeymoon site.
July 13, 2014
Two TVs required
One for him to eyeball sports
Hers for home shopping
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 3 in Linda's "Awesome Advice" (For Bride and Groom) Contest - August 2010
Same Sex Marriage
Modification into a poem by Elton Camp
Though to comprehend the news they try
For some folks, its meaning passes them by
Two old ladies find they are extremely confused
Anger over same sex marriage has them bemused
"Susan," one of them now proceeds to say,
"Joe and I had the same sex for many a day."
"Actually, I feel without any trace of doubt,
It isn't worth people getting so upset about."
“ Big louse!”
by nette onclaud
Contest:Judy Konos' One Footle
I said I do,
But believe me I don’t
What I meant is I do
But she says hell you won’t
When I said I do
I didn’t know it meant her way
So I should have said I don’t
On that so called special day
But if I said I don’t
She would have convinced me I do
I should have ran off that day
But me legs won’t go my way
Me tongue betrayed me
When it said I do
Just to find out later
That if I do or won’t or don’t
"I’m dammed if I do"
"And I’m dammed I don’t"
My one attempt at marriage
Was like a union between McCoy and Kahn
Both a wee-bit dramatic
Like living a full fledge grand opera
"My God man, we're living a circus
And you have jumped off the deep end
What you're proposing is lunacy
I'm a doctor, not a barbarian!"
"Have you heard the Klingon expression
Revenge is a dish best served cold?
If you want to make this marriage work
Then damn you!!!! Do as you're told!!!!"
(McCoy and Kahn)
"For God's sake listen to yourself
What you're saying is just plain crazy"
"From hell's hot I stab at thee......
For hate's sake, I spit my last breath..........at thee.........."
[no, the marriage didn't work out, haha. And last night I ran into my
ex-wife. She had the gall to speak to me. So I just wrote this with
genuine laughter in my heart.]
Honey, did you fake
it last night?… “Of course not, I
Really was asleep!”
My life is playing me
The whore that it is
Patient zero got it from her
The whole world is without protection
My life is beating me
The rod that it is
The whales can’t ever stop moaning
My whole world is with pain pollution
My life is breaking me
The rock that it is
All quarries would be empty
The whole world made of sand from a gods imagination
My life is scarring me
The raw wound that it is
A bed of corpses less gory
My whole world is graveyard for hope and salvation
My life is leaving me
The whole time that it is
My screams and shouts can’t even reach her
The whole world racing to unknown destination
My life is killing me
The load that it is
Drainages clogged, latrines like her mouth flowing
My whole world pushing problems to disinfecting solution
Oh, my sweet girl, come and shack up, with me.
We shall live on welfare and space out to see.
How many food stamp cards, we can arrange,
We shall visit for meds and beg for change.
Upon the riverbanks, we shall catch a cold.
Then we shall collect our oxy-cotton gold.
I shall gather clothes from good wills chest.
You prepare to go visit relatives in the west.
My sweet girl I shall give you no gold.
However, get you, giving us babies to hold.
A bed of daisies, I shall have waiting for you.
For freshening up our pet hound, old blue.
Our cousin Joe has a house that is so big.
We shall move in, us all, even with our pig.
Every week on Friday
McGee worked late at night
But this time would be different
The work load seem real light
So he left a little early
Punched his card and tipped his hat
Then headed to O'Malley's
For a stiff one and some chat
But a feeling seem to come to him
Perhaps He'd just go home
And surprise his little wife
That's waiting there alone
So he walks down the empty streets
"Till he made it to his door
Takes his shoes off as he enters
As to tip-toe cross the floor
That's when he hears some noise
Cracks the bedroom door to see
His Buddy Finn and his wife
Are making merrily
Oh, McGee he got so flustered
But didn't stop their fun
And slowly crept away
To the next room for his gun
He was locked and Loaded
When he kicked right through the door
With the gun at his head, He said,
"I can't take this anymore"
But his wife left the bed
And knelt down on her knees
And begged him not to kill himself
and "Put the gun down,Please"
McGee then looked upon his wife
His expression was quite vexed
Then he told her to "SHUT UP"
Cause she was surly NEXT !
Poor Clem was hanging off the shed rafters,
His angry outback wife strutting underneath,
" You've gotta come down some time Clem,"
Said angry Etta through grinding teeth.
"I've never heard of anything so despicable,"
Poor Clem was hanging on in dreaded fear,
"You think you know a man so well,
Then he goes and takes your beer."
The sound of freedom falls with the November rain
as I stumble back inside to my ball and chain