I was at my favourite restaurant and had a lovely meal
If I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal
I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat
The dessert menu was on its way, Oh I couldn’t wait for that
The waitress bought the menus and I rubbed my hands with glee
Oh sticky toffee pudding, now that’s the one for me
She came to take the order – we had waited as you do
She finally turned to me and said ‘oh Madam what can I get you’
Oh stiffy cockie pudding please was my swift reply
I didn’t realise what I’d said till I saw the tears form in her eye
I went as red as a beetroot and the others began to laugh
At my spoonerism which turned into a complete gaffe
The pudding it came quickly but I couldn’t wait to leave
I choked on every mouthful and my stomach it did heave
So please take notice of my error on this horrendous day
If you order sticky toffee pudding be careful what you say!
This is a true experience! The waitress was a student at the school I work at - I was so pleased when she went to university - I have never ordered this dessert since!
Submitted to Richard's Beginnings Matter Contest - It had taken a month of badgering by my friend jenny Brewer to even pluck up courage to post my poems - I wondered how my humour would be appreciated!
~awarded 2nd place~
This is my first poem posted here and it is my first poem to be published in a book by United Press
It bounced off the truck
And then rolled down the highway
How 'bout them apples
When Jonathan McIntosh
Won the spelling bee
Apple of my eye
Jenny had the sweetest smile
For another guy
Right down to the core
When that apple crossed the plate
An infield dribble
Just one little hole
In that shiny red apple
Just one little worm
Oh, nicker. Oh, nacker.
I broke my poor cracker
While putting it in my soup.
I just wanted a nibble,
But the soup had to quibble,
And thus all my plans turned to poop.
So now I'm here sittin'
A poor man quite smitten
With no other crackers to spare,
On soup that's unlawful,
So twisted and awful,
That it kills with no thought and no care.
Why can't it relate,
And learn not to hate,
My crunchy, crisp wafers of bread,
It would have much more fun
Not to mention for one,
My crackers won't all end up dead.
I suppose it’s too much
To ask soup for such
A commitment to love other food.
But till its attitude mends,
And it learns to make friends,
I believe that my crackers are screwed.
In the middle of the night,
When the moon shines bright,
A creature stirs with a terrible bite,
And his name is Spoonfang.
This vampire with a spoony face,
Has developed quite the taste,
For creatures of the pudding race,
Has the greedy Spoonfang.
So when the stars through dark clouds peek,
Into the kitchen he will creep,
And a tasty snack he’ll sneak,
Will the crafty Spoonfang.
Mousse and trifle, cake of cheese,
Ice-cream left in the deep freeze,
He’s had a bite of each of these,
Has the naughty Spoonfang.
But tonight he’s set his eyes,
Not on mother’s tasty pies,
But on Gran’s birthday surprise,
A gateau all for Spoonfang.
And so he creeps along the floor,
Tip-toes to the kitchen door,
But someone else is there before,
The bold and daring Spoonfang.
Count Spatula! The greatest Pudding Vampire of them all!
Both the vampires get a fright,
Their screams echo through the night,
And someone switches on the light,
On Spatula and Spoonfang.
Mother tuts and shakes her head,
Sends son and father back to bed,
Neither vampire has been fed,
Not Spatula nor Spoonfang.
Maybe there’s a little Pudding vampire in all of us!
I've been a bad girl
I've indulged in a desert
Topped with a cherry swirl.
I've been overcome by lust
I have tasted that
delicious graham cracker crust.
I've been less than innocent
When I'm surrounded
By that heavenly cherry scent
I've been very bad it's true
You can punish me
Because I didn't share with you
I've been very very bad
But this is the best cheesecake I have ever had!
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
When Einstein signed up for cooking school
He made a mistake, against the rules
He dribbled "OLD SPICE"
to season the rice
Not nice to nibble, but fragrant gruel !!
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
- Albert Einstein
4/20/15 For The Contest: Famous Einstein Quotes
Sponsored by John Freeman
Is it Love
a simple bowl of ice cream
sweating from the heat
cherries on the top
huddled 'round and looking sweet
two little wooden paddles
pretend that they are spoons
as we sit beneath the stars
in the savor of the moon
your lips are all I see
as they caress them with a passion
the cherries on your tongue
in a delightful playful fashion
with our eyes intent and focused
in a stare of solemn trust
Is this ice cream truly love
or is it merely cherry lust
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
11/21/11 for Natalie the Rogue Rhymer's
"Die a fun Death" contest
"I can’t find the words I want to say! “
Under the moonbeam and sparkling scattered stardust,
I can feel the dew, which surpasses through the night.
As I speak to you in tongue, this stale flavor becomes overdone.
A taste of what is behind them luscious ludicrous lips.
I finally ask!
“Do you not feel what I feel?
Can you not feel my heart hesitating and holding hectically?
Addressed with attach anticipation on your side!
It is my hesitation, to answer with, “Please?”
The dwelling night disappears, underneath my deepen darken days,
In which makes every day, another night to come.
The wondering and whining worsens a little more.
I ache for seconds more, than my mind begins to mend.
The mornings keep approaching fast, the silences breaks!
Shattered scattered splattered words, finally released.
You start to nurture up around your notable noble nearsighted eyes.
For I have starved, just about all I can take.
Master of this crying slave…
“Your perception burns, the prescription, of persuasive deception.”
Your inacceptable improper intention cannot heal me now!
Leaving an awkward awareness feel, which lingers to the lustiness’, lost inside of me.
With a wallow with a swallow, soaping and spiting the sight of you.
Meanwhile your thoughts focus on the painful pulsating pleasure.
You will unleash on me…
For leaving all the crummy crumbling crumbs under our silver satin sheets.
I will be smacking and snaking surrendering and yielding, yearning at your will.
Please Master Can I have another, Cracker in bed~~ ?
“The finest poetry
is the most feigning.”
Smelling scent soothe my soul
Sits in sleek oven
Smile so nicely
Saliva pours for
© Joseph, November 2, 2008
© All Rights Reserved
Semi finalist contestant
292 out of 887 submissions
June 1, 2009 International Contest
Joseph S. Spence, Sr., is the author of "The Awakened One Poetics" (2009), which is
published in seven different languages. He invented the Epulaeryu poetry form, which
focuses on succulent cuisines and drinks. He is published in various forums, including the
World Haiku Association; Poetinis Druskininku, Milwaukee Area College, Phoenix Magazine;
Möbius Poetry, and Taj Mahal Review to name a few. Joseph is a Goodwill Ambassador for
the state of Arkansas, USA, a college faculty, and a military veteran.
C hocolate Candy Emmmm what a treat.
H as sweet ingredients that can't be beat.
O h what delight to put in our mouth and eat.
C hocolate a passionate lovers sweet. (
O nly the lonely will not eat this meat. (
L overs who Love chocolate will find this neat. ^
A ll chocolate will cause lovers to stay in heat. & &
T ake your time and savor this candy. % %
E ach one of you knows it makes you randy. @@@@@
K issing with chocolate covered lips is bliss.
I n your mouth each tongue will entwine with a kiss.
S o get yourself some chocolate today.
S weet chocolate candy will help you to play!
So you want to get to know me, ok, well here goes.
Most of it's in my poetry, but I may have left something out, who knows?
For the last twenty years, I've been wearing Nike high tops that are black.
They're alot easier to clean then white ones, that is a definite fact.
My friends all seem to like me, and I greet them all with a big smile.
I've met alot of them through a life of partying, but now thats been over for awhile.
My favorite book is the bible, because whenever I read it I learn something new.
My favorite movie I couldn't really tell you, since I have seen oh, quite a few.
My favorite song is from Tim McGraw, it's "Live Like You Were Dying"
In a funny kind of way it refreshes my soul, and I usually end up crying.
Favorite singer I don't really have one, so I guess it would have to be myself.
Because I just love it when I sing all the words, and don't need anyones help.
My hair is a dirty blond thats straight,short and very fine.
It doesn't have a single curl, and I know it's all still mine.
My favorite shampoo is Pert, it leaves my hair so silky smooth.
With the fine and thining hair that I have, it's the one I prefer to use.
My favorite food is pizza, but fresh baked bread is my favorite smell.
If I had a food I'd eat everyday, that is the one that would put me through hell.
I have everything I need,with only a few things that I dislike.
The only thing I want or really need, is the love of my loving wife.
Contest:All About ____???
I just blew a kiss on a cool summer breeze
Comming from Wisconsin, it's going to taste like cheese
It's for a dear friend who lives quite far away
So I'm hoping she will recieve it, within the next day
I also hope she doesn't mind the flavor of this kiss
But if she loves cheese like me, the taste will be bliss
Floating through the air past all the factories of cheese
The dreamy taste of this kiss, will be sure to please
Though I must warn her not to eat with that blissful kiss on her lips
For all food will taste delightful, which may add a little weight to her hips
Must make haste
Time for "waste"
There once was a girl from Arizona
Who could only fit in a kimona
She vowed to lose some weight
But loved all kinds of cake
Even drawn by pumpkin cake's aroma
She vowed that she would be stronger
Would wear kimonos no longer
With cotton up her nose
From the table arose
Now in leggins she does saunter
Sponsor: Gwendolin R.
Contest:A Limerick In My Pocket
My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos
I love you like an ill,
You fill me with unhealthiness,
Oh but how I crave you still.
My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
You are the greatest of the chips.
The corn, oil, and cheese seasonings
are like heaven on my lips.
My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
You are breakfast, lunch and dinner.
With every bite of triangle tortillas,
The bag, not me, gets thinner.
My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
no chip is to be left behind.
Oh no the bag crumbles empty,
Now I have crumbs to find.
"Edith! Edith! I didn't find a Twinkie in my lunch bucket today!
What happened, Dingbat? Why do you torture me this way?"
"But Archie, ain't you seen on TV they ain't makin' 'em anymore?
The company is foldin' up and they ain't stockin' 'em at the store!"
"I blame you fer this disaster, Meathead, you and yer pinko friends!
The greedy union reached too far killin' jobs on which people depends!
Yer democrat gov'mint stimulated my tax dollars fer ever' thing in sight!
Instead of blowin' money on green inergy, I'd like some to solve my plight!"
"But, Daddy" - poking his gut - "fast food like Twinkies isn't good for you!"
"Let me tell you somethin', little girl! That may be yer lib'ral point of view!
My life ain't never gonna be the same agin without Twinkies fer a snack!
Them things is as American as yer mother's punkin' pie and I want 'em back!"
"I fought for the flag, baseball, Coca Cola and Twinkies in Dubya Dubya Two!
I slogged through the mud in Italy and was shot in a very fragile area too!
Now, I feel that it was all in vain to pertect all them things I hold dear!
No Twinkies for my lunch? Stifle yerselfs! I'm goin' to Kelsey's fer a beer!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
The dog seen a rabbit and how he did chase
to catch that little critter and boy what a race
But one thing that rabbit knew as he ran away
he was not going to be lunch for that dog today
Around the tree and into the bushes he went
the dog was right after that little rabbit's scent
the dog was so busy that he never did see
that big old hornet nest way up in the tree
running and barking and making a sound
made all the hornets start buzzing around
They all made a dive and together they flew
when they hit the dog he knew he was through
He made up his mind right there and then
he would never go chasing that rabbit again
I just can't believe it
I'm addicted to soup
I can't put the spoon down
I continue to scoop
So many flavours
I can't get enough
It's like there's heroin
They put in this stuff
Sure I can quit
Any time I want
But wait a minute
Look at that font
A few more minutes
Perhaps an hour or two
Good thing I kept reading
I got introduced to you
CHAMPAGNE, CORKED BOTTLES OF EFFERVESCENT FUN
SWEET AND FRUITY TO THE TASTE, OR MAYBE EXTRA DRY
A TINY GLASS OF BUBBLING, POPPING, SPLASHING FUN
MAKE A CHOICE, BRUT, SPARKLING, OR SIMPLE ROSE
WHEN ON A FRUGAL BUDGET, ANDRE’S PINK
DOM PERIGNON FOR THE WEALTHY
KORBEL FOR UNDER TWENTY
PRICED JUST RIGHT
"HAVE A GLASS TONIGHT"
Will you,Eat me; eat me,
please, like A piece,
of Reese's Pieces,
I melt in your mouth,
I am that Kit-Kat,
who will satisfy,
to make the Skor, on
and go nutritiously,
over my babyruth,
for you are, that mounds,
of full almond joy..
They organized a church bazaar,
To raise money for the poor.
A booth for selling chances
Was set up, outside the door.
When I bought the raffle ticket,
My reasoning was murky,
And I could only just believe it,
When I won that doggone turkey.
Now, the kids were all excited
When we brought the critter home.
So we placed him in the barnyard,
Where he'd have lots of room to roam.
Since the date was late October,
I'm quite sure you understand,
That to have him for Thanksgiving
Was my awe inspiring plan.
Well, the turkey was no birdbrain,
As I was very soon to find.
That bird knew what I was thinking;
Why, I declare, he read my mind.
I let the children care for him,
To my most profound regret--
He turned on his charming manner,
And, quickly, he became their pet.
But that fact did not deter me,
I told myself it didn't matter.
I was dead set and determined
To see that gobbler on a platter.
When the kids perceived my purpose,
They turned on the tears and pleas.
Then, the wife joined in their chorus,
And that brought me to my knees.
So I told my grieving family
They could dry up, and relax.
I concealed my disappointment--
Went and put away the axe.
Came the dinner of Thanksgiving,
Not a sad face could be found.
And our live Thanksgiving turkey
Was the gladdest bird around.
We gathered around the table,
And I humbly asked the blessing--
While Tom gobbled down his corn, outside,
We had hotdogs and dressing.
Sometimes cakes are upside down,
And brownies are not always brown.
A steak should not be made of wood,
And well done doesn’t mean it’s good.
Sometimes food is sweet and sour,
Petals are not found in flour.
It’s fair to say before they’re eaten
Spuds get mashed and eggs get beaten.
Sugar often gets dissolved,
But there’s no cruelty involved.
One gastronomic puzzle lingers,
What kind of fish is born with fingers?
My wife and I went for a cruise in the Caribbean Sea,
I decided that I would talk like a pirate ‘till she got sick of me.
I told her that I was going to steal a look at her treasured chest,
Or get my hands on her booty whichever I liked the best.
And if she’d shiver me timber I told her that I would swash her buckle,
She didn’t think too much of my offer but it made me start to chuckle.
I twisted one hand into a gnarled hook and even fashioned for her a peg,
I kept it up until, “Please stop this pirate business,” she began to beg.
But it seems I had an enemy trying to thwart me on the cruise,
A buffet line or my beautiful wife, which one would I choose?
And then they fired their big guns at me from the dessert buffet table,
The carbs took the wind from my sails until my libido wasn’t able.
When you sail the sea with a fork in hand your love life will be fleein’,
Try your best not to surrender yourself to the pie plates of the Caribbean.
This is a mostly true story!
A few years ago in central Arkansas
I planted a garden among rich fertile soil
Followed seed packet directions as though written by law
Believing better results came from sweat and toil
Tomatoes and peppers and something called pole beans
Potatoes and onions, colors of corn, I've never seen
Always ended up with mud on the knees of my jeans
Slowly through the dark earth peeked petals of green
Weeks later everything looked just as though I thought it should
And I hoped everything would taste just as good
But those pole beans kept growing like you've never seen
And started making lovely huge beans of green
I had to build a fence to hold them up
Every day they grew another foot taller before sunup
The only way I could pick them was from the top of my ladder
I tell ya', no red head from Ireland has ever been madder!
*note...I am part Irish with red tints in my hair..no insults intended....
A good luck meal on New Years Day, consists of many things,
They say it makes a difference on what the New Year brings.
I got to thinking ,wow, what luck, for the pig that gave that chop,
that i stuffed with the dressing and put sour kraut on top.
He wasn't very lucky as anyone could see, and when I served the black eyed peas,
they were staring back at me.
As if to say, "your lucky meal was bought with a great cost.
It wasn't very lucky for the pig whose life was lost."
To myself I wondered , How can I eat this meal?
I was thinking about that piggy, I could even hear him squeel.
I bowed my head and said dear God, I know this food is blessed,
Help us to be so thankful for that pig who is at rest.
So as I passed the food along I said in words so clear,
Thank you pig for being food for my lucky year.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
These global delights
make eating such fun
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham
Add a fresh fruit salad,
some sparkling wine
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
She wore pineapple rings for glasses
and walked like jelly dances
I didn't rate her chances
She used to wee standing up
she cooked lemon a'la duck
won the lottery, grumbled what bad luck
like a surgical nip, without the tuck.
She'd blow cream cheese when she sneezed
and eat ram dressed as lamb
for sunday roast she ate toast
with mushrooms for toes, little buttons in a row
smoked salmon for a nose, smelt fishy when she blows
She wore a chicken-winger-as-a-ring-around-'er-finger
that became a stinker, boy did it linger
thanks to x-factor, she wants to be a popsinger
but she's a bloody minger.
She cares not much for clothes
revealing skin and bones
much to establishments moans
and 'righteous' idiots groans
little boys stand and stare
french fries for pubic hair
thats not meant to be there
she makes a mess everywhere.
She's got a chopping board, where a leg should be
might be why she walks all wibbly wobbly
wears a saucepan for a boot, metallic clomping of her foot
for make up she uses butter
cheeks glow as eyelids flutter
she's well dressed like a salad
marinated in love ballads
a lemon glazed mallard.
She's like dessert before a starter
the rip off and the barter
she drips morsels like a leper
smells like fresh ground pepper
her blood doesn't flow much like batter
pure cholesterol but gets no fatter
she looks like beef but tastes of bacon
bleach white teeth with an accent like jamaican.
She makes a meal of everything
wearing rabbits paws and prawns for bling.
holding her hand feels like wriggling jellied eels
whiskers longer than the oldest seals.
She wore a banana as a brooch
didn't wash more like poach
she really is hamfisted, skin like crackling all blistered.
She's not a 5 a day, unless it's take away.
She's drunk too much grain, pickle damaged brain
downright bonkers on the left side of sane.
She slept alone upon a bed of stilton
in a suite at the glitzy ritzy hilton
upset, the tears she did cry
weeping raspberry sorbet from her eye
from the orbs within her pocket
hairstyled by electric socket
a crazy look, but I wouldn't knock it
for she lives her life free as the wind,
though she smells like brie that should be binned
or tuna from a damaged tin.
She's a genetically modified vegetable at a completely organic table
She cuts clothes off only to keep the label.
In this crazy ole world, shes still a backwards girl
enough to make even hardened stomachs hurl
Pretty tasty date, give her a whirl?
I bought all the candy for Halloween night,
Into the cupboard, it sat in plain sight
When later I looked, I just about flipped!
I saw empty wrappings, the bags were all ripped!
The treats were all missing,...so back to the store
I bought several bags, at least three or four.
Now back in my kitchen, I climbed on a chair
To hide them up high on a shelf that was bare...
Behind an old crock pot that he'd never use...
But would you believe, he discovered my ruse?!!!
The big night arrived and much to my grief
The candy had been eaten by that darn sweet toothed thief!!!!
The door bell was ringing, trick-or-treaters had come
I ducked out the back door, and fast did I run!!
Right back to the store, I flew like a witch...
The clerks heard me cursing, like a grouchy old b - - - -!
The store had no candy, sold out every piece
No Big Hunks, no Snickers, no Hersheys or Reese
I bought bags of apples.... gave them out in disgrace
Every kid on the block had disgust on his face
The next Halloween, I'm not buying ahead
I'm a last minute shopper for the candy, instead..
And to all you folks, who buy treats in advance
My advice to you all, is don't take such a chance!
Something else you should learn, from this frustrating tale...,
Next time you buy candy, attach some loud bells!!
------------ P.S.... (A Moral to the story, for an evening so gory)....
He was licking his chops, while he had his sweet binge
But goblins were watching, ........and took their revenge....
That Halloween scrooge...Mr. Thief in the Night
He chipped his back molar, as he took that last bite!!
Submitted for "Funny Spooks" contest
Sponsored by Carol Brown