There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
Two days without
The biggest jerk I ever knew
Two days without him
God, what am I gonna do.
I'm lost inside this house
going crazy out of my mind
I don't know what to do with myself
Exasperated for hours at a time.
I'm not spilling tears
Just awaiting his return
I'm not feeling fear
I'm just lonely for his arms.
Out the window
My eyes continue to gaze
Searching for his car
Looking for his face.
Headlights pull in
Flashing at my eyes
My heart beats harder
My spirit lights afire.
My feet moving
of their own accord
Barreling into his arms.
Like the light
On a sunny day.
Fireflies of sapphire
Twinkling in the dark
Like a diamond heart.
Touching and rubbing
Feeling whole at once.
Lips busying themselves
To smother with a kiss
Where does it end
Where does it begin.
Two whole days
Without the biggest Jerk I know
I don't want to do it again
I don't want my love to go.
...Now I ain't without notoriety,
Fact is.. I'm an old stalker with a walker.
She was big in the Purple Hat Society
and broke her hip,...while playing soccer.
When I met her, she was on the mend,
and she knew.. what I was after...
and I said I'd catch her when I can,
She said to push that walker a lil' faster.
She had her a "lectric wheel chair,
I just had my old walker and me,
she was pretty fast for a blue hair...
"till I crashed into her I.V. tree...
Well, they fitted my leg with plaster,
and I kinda forgot what I was after...
"till one day,
she wheeled in to see me,
Yep. Said she'd come ta free me!
Now we sit together,
cozy up and talk about the weather.
We compare wrinkled tatoos,
and guess what they are,
we may share a shot of booze,
we don't go too awful far...
We keep our orthepedic shoes
under the same bed,
and I retired as a walker stalker,
meals on wheels keeps us fed
and we keep our teeth...
in the very same locker.
("Nite Nite, Darlin.")
Composed and Written by-
Robert A. Dufresne
Shall I compare thee to your mother's arse?
Thou aren’t more lovely, but more flatulent.
Rough winds do shake it; and bring on a farce
And all her clothes hath all too short a rent
Sometime too hot-headed of hell doth burn,
And often is the true nature exposed;
And every foul from fowl; my stomach churns,
By reason, or by nature's raging closed.
But thy infernal diet shall ne’er start
Nor gain possession of which now I grasp;
Nor shall we meet again; let’s stay apart,
When in eternal sounds the voice does rasp,
So long as men can breathe or eyes can cry,
So long lives this, and I bid thee goodbye.
My darling enigma, my dove
You’re the epitome of my love
Your smile shines at me pearly white
Pale skin shines and glints in the light
Silken locks, obsidian flow
Eyes just like ice, crystalline glow
Peals of laughter ring like a bell
Enchant me; I’m under your spell
You walk with a musical flow
Tiptoeing with softness through snow
But, alas, you open your mouth
Utter tripe spilling out
If only you’d keep your mouth shut.
(Love from Anonymous)
not sure how she got here
only know she needs to leave
underneath the stranger
my arm numb; asleep,
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry
princess of night
exposed by light.
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess.
along with my will.
I swore never again;
the lie is half the thrill.
Kiss saves and kills
Drop by drop KISS increases
To form an ocean of EMOTION
EMOTION in love billows
Around many pillows
With PASSION it is POWERED
You lose control over your EMOTION
Your EMOTION now sets you in MOTION
To the journey of no return.
You may ask, What is bad in it?
The bad IN it is at the END of it!
Romance is calamitous,
I woo and charm,
And raise some alarm,
When I try to arouse,
... By flexing my arm!
Some days its almost ridiculous,
Whatever I do,
So I dress to impress,
But I'm always despairing,
When I walk through the door,
I hear: "What are you wearing?"
They told me love was fabulous,
If you want the truth:
When I try to hit,
I always miss,
That hug I got,
...Should've been a kiss!
But if all is fair in love and war,
I should keep trying until I score,
And maybe one day I will cease to fuss,
If only I wasn't...
1. My ex-girlfriend tried to impress me when
She told me that she is "Fasting"! And I knew
That she was true because, I saw just how
Fast she ate that basket of chicken.......
2. The next time that she told me that she was "Fasting"
It was three (03) double meat Whoppers! And I have never
Seen three (03) double meat Whoppers go so quicK......
3. My ex-girlfriend was so upset! She explained that when
She was young that she could bounce a dime
Off of her butt. Only now, when she bounce the same dime
It only flops!
So, I looked on the bright side and told her that now she can
Bounce a quarter on her belly button and it only drops!
4. The last time that I saw her, she was "Fasting" on a
box of cookies.
* And boy, those (03) box's of cookies sure went fast!
Explanation: That is none sence and no one got fat in the making of this pun!
4. I just hate it when my ex-girlfriend call's me! Usually I keep my
cell phone on vibrate and in my front pocket. My EX-friend
Know's this. She also, know's that I have a bladder problem! Every time
she blow's up my phone it make's me pee!
I know that I hate it, but she give's me such a warm feeling and I take
what I can get!
5. My ex-girlfriend is so stupid that she can't ever give me a piece of
her mind! She has to get an substitute..... Ha! Ha! Ha! He, He, He!
6.My ex-girlfriend, She alway's cut me short!........ She wanted to give
me a piece of her mind, buy, she didn't have enough brain cell's left! Ha! Ha!
Feel the Joke! Uh!
1. When you "Pass Gas" and you know you did........
And no-body heard it........ Is it proper to wait for someone
to smell it first, before you say, excuse me..........
Is it really too late....... That is what my girlfriend doe's!
* I would just blame it on a friend!
Moments To Share:
My ex-girl friend and I were discussing a poem that I wrote! She told
me that it was an perfect oxymoron.......
I told her that she was just a moron!
Words' To Live by:
I was trying to explaine my mis-giving's to my EX-girlfriend......
I told her that the problem was, not that I really love you, because
I don't! The problem is that I just can't get you out of my mind!
I do not know?
The only one
My heart hopped,
Or I should say ‘stopped’,
I was shocked,
Because with me, he talked!
It’s me, the only one,
Whom he chose,
I’m the luckiest one on the earth,
It is like he has given me a red rose!
I was surprised, he’s so cute!
I stared at him, my voice mute,
It was like I was on cloud nine,
As if we were going to dine!
I was fully filled with glee,
The other girls did envy me,
He’s the handsomest, of all men,
And I said, “Yes, you can take my pen.”