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Free Verse Suicide Poems | Free Verse Poems About Suicide

These Free Verse Suicide poems are examples of Free Verse poems about Suicide. These are the best examples of Free Verse Suicide poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Free verse | |

Forgotten By Tomorrow

She stands at the edge of the precipice,
looking down towards her future.
The last tears that she will ever cry,
falling from her eyes, 
then falling into oblivion.
She watches them drop 
as they disappear forever.
Yet, she laughs in the face of death.
Would it really matter if she took the leap?
She has been forgotten by tomorrow.

The wind blowing at her back,
pushes her to the edge.
Almost agreeing with her final decision,
and encouraging her to jump.

A thousand thoughts and memories
racing through her mind.

Her first day of school.
Her tenth birthday party.
The lonely, awkward days of her teenage years.
The day she discovered poetry.
The moment she first saw him.
The day she thought that she was worth something.
The day when all of that became a lie.

Every memory 
that never made the pages of a history book.
She has been forgotten by tomorrow.

She exists to no one but herself.
In the blink of an eye, she decides her fate.
Her feet leave the ground,
and yet, she did not fall.
Out of nowhere he appeared,
and carefully grabbed her hand.
Pulling her back to reality,
saving her from the brink of disaster.
He held her, as her tears stained his jacket.
Old tears of sadness,
mixed with new tears of happiness.

She was remembered by yesterday.
Before she was forgotten by tomorrow.


Details | Free verse | |

THE LANGUAGE OF ASH


Anarchy and misery whispered so softly that only she could hear
their voices, so she threw crabapples at a mail man to draw attention, 
ran feral between cars, remapped streets that never gave adequate 

directions or a single landmark to show her the way home. Mother 
loved the shell her baby bird had long ago broken, a mourning dove 
cooing for soft pieces, each scattered peep. Breath, the only thing 

that was hers, truly. Oh, the relief to snatch a bored sigh, draw it back, 
deny escape. A-gore-rhythms and Form-you-la’s, school’s strangle hold
methodology of mind control. Skip to my Lou. Skip class. Skip through 

rush hour traffic. Still, no one understands. No one speaks the language 
of Ash. Purge-atory is no fantasy. Every day, the same losses: possibility, 
sensitivity, civility. Hey guards, listen to all the things she will never say. 

Words, what the hell are they but manufactured strings of disappointment
that she chokes on? The entire world babbles platitudes and lawyers’ lies 
and vulgar chastisements.  Why speak, why waste a single breath? 

They fling their crap, so she returns the favor, knowing they will not 
translate her message. They use verbs like pepper spray and cavity search
and solitary confinement. She is nineteen, but the numbers don’t add up,

redo the equation. Just don’t ask questions or try to hurt yourself. Just? 
Again, she feels the noose close her throat, smiles at her secret antidote, 
the open doors of unconsciousness. A caress, this burn against the neck, 

again and again, saved and saved and saved, as though they’d noticed 
the flame’s gone, as though someone cared that she’d become soot, ash, 
ashes. Ashley? Ashley to ashes to ash to dust, just dust. Just? 
 
Just. Death. 






About this Poem

Ashley Smith was a troubled teen who would run into traffic, scream at people, cut classes.At 15 year, she was incarcerated for throwing crabapples at a mail man, this led to behavior which kept her in prison.  She defied the system, threw feces at guards, refused to comply and strangled herself many times a day. Ashley was restrained in a chair for as long as 8 hours, forced to sleep on mattress-less bed frame, pepper sprayed, tazered and kept mostly in segregation. She would bang her head against the floor until she bled, told a phychologist she felt suicide was her only hope. She was moved 17 times between 8 facilities in only 9 months. On October 17, 2007, Ashley, aged 19, hung herself in her cell as guards merely watched, having been ordered to only intervene once she STOPPED breathing. Her death was filmed. There is currently an inquest into Ashley’s treatment and suicide. For more information-

http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/national/Ashley+Smith+death+only/8053824/story.html


May change come. 

May change come, now.


Details | Free verse | |

The cutter



She went to sleep
closing her eyes
beginning to dream
of broken butterflies
tearing her lovely monarch wings
on faithless love that angels sings...

She finds shiny metal in kitchen sink
in an evening absent light
she finds peace in cuts of pink
watching crimson blood flow feels so right..

Starlight shines upon her tears
I whisper darling, you cannot bleed
all of your suicidal fears
at night when you begin to cry
I'll sing you a lover's lullaby..

My love do not wish that you were dead
dreaming of an absent pulse
laying on silken sheets bleeding red
I will offer love so do not bleed
give me your knife I am all you need...
~ ~ ~ ~


Details | Free verse | |

A Grim Fairy Tale

I was born a girl
whose parent’s died.
Then given to others
whose social status was high.
Papa, the king, but died in war.
Mama, the queen, who didn’t marry more.
An eternal scowl upon her face
as she kept her daily pace.
Hair pinned high upon her head.
“Do this!” “Do that!” She constantly said
and when I’d do one thing wrong
she’d scold me, yelling “Cinderella!”, for hours long.
And once she was done with what she said
I’d get back to work again.
But one day I got fed up.
Ran up my tower and closed the door up.
My window, the only way out
but Mama barged in, stopping in mid-shout.
But I just turned back and smiled
and then I fell a thousand miles.
And I lay among the trees
my spirit, at last, forever free.


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide Prevention

Suicide prevention
just takes an ounce
of affection
Remembering we are
all humans and in
need

Smile at a stranger,
Don't lash out in
anger,
Forgiveness is
refreshing
In a world where
souls are meshing.

Talk to the world
And the world talks
back
Conversations hold
healing
Helping and hoping
There is so much to
be learned
Some may look strong
But its their way of
coping
Come clean and be
clever
Be a friend to
someone new
Smile at a stranger
And they might smile
right back at you.

It doesn't take much
to listen, respect,
applause,
comment, read, and
know
that a person is
there in that soul
and 
you have the power
to make that
person happy.
 If it is for a
split second, an
hour, a day, 
you never know how
much that would
mean, 
and why not give it
a try, 
what is being nice
gonna hurt, 
it might just be
what is needed to
keep someone 
from entering the
darkened road. 

Smile at a stranger.

A stranger may smile
at you.

:) you are loved 
always remember that
:)


Details | Free verse | |

Dont Die

Smile! but i want to die. but how can i take my life 
when god sacrificed his life and we shall have life and have 
it more abundantly .. LIFE .
that simple word that you can change, it all depends how you live.
you know, life has many challenges that you face, but its up to you to embrace 
that love from above! his gentleness is like a dove, everlasting is his name, and 
you take life as a game? 
YEAH, you can always choose how you want to play, but TODAY, 
you will change that thought of suicide, and push those tears aside, and 
remember, god is ON your side! his not like chris, john, bob, billy, or even  
Lucifer ! yeah LUCIFER .. 
does that name ring a bell ? not being a pastor but i decree and declare that we 
SHALL, not want to die, but stay alive! .. i dont care what the circumstance is, i 
know who GOD is, and i WILL let him live in ME ! 

                                  Al'dayja Selby (A.T.S)  


Details | Free verse | |

Plastic Siblings

Genial to avoid confrontation
Baseborn kind, complaisant character
A spurious recital, a cheap imitation
Apocryphal mind, and comical creations
Counterfeited Christ
An unholy effusion
Sons of Belial
Clutch arcane knowledge
Esoteric information

Delve into oracular verse.
Deadened faith
Recondite belief denuded denials
Portentous and abstruse
Divested of the truth
Desolate road
Traveled day after day
Seriatim in miles
Strangled in hyperbole
Hypothetical noose

Cheaply loose
Tightening
methodically

Suicidal salvation
Covertly clandestine
Do what art wilt
Deliver the chosen
indoctrinate guilt
Derision to the destined
To learn love over hate
Adoration to inculcate
Imbue their sick lessons.


Details | Free verse | |

My Hell

I fall down
deeper and deeper
into oblivion
nothing
only darkness.
the sounds of evil
dripping into my ears
slithering farther
and sliding down into me
filling me with echoes.
terror courses through
my veins
into each cell
turning them against
me
they are no longer mine
they follow another
a stronger being.
icy breezes come
they whisper to me
they say I'm bad
they call me to them
the breezes dance
hug me
covering me
hiding me from the light
shielding me from hope.
falling deeper
only down
my eyes are taunted
I see people
the ones I know
love
they are hurt
hurting
by me
I have betrayed them
left them
I am hurting them
it is me
but I can't stop.
my mind is plagued
sick
new thoughts
 every second
comes a new terror
a cruel joke
all a prank.
only deeper do I fall
light is disappearing
becoming dimmer
fading fast.
all a game
for one person
the puppeteer
the ringmaster
the man in the
mask
the one who is running the show
the show that is me.
he sees me falling
he laughs
I can't see him
but he is there
everywhere
teasing my brain
taunting my senses
he hates me
he wants to hurt me.
he throws it
the knife
I feel the pain
running up my leg
showing my bones
releasing my blood
it is blue
my blood is cold
it splatters my face
sprinkling my features
dotting them with blue
the blue liquid drips
jumping onto my tongue
I taste dirt
my blood is dirt
blue is all I see
blue is all I become
I am blue
blue is me.
a distant shout
who is it?
a cry for help
surely
the sound is mangled
twisted
young
desperate
hopeless
mine
the sound is mine
I shut my mouth
but I still hear it
chilling my blue blood
ringing in my ears
shaking my breathing
jump-starting my heart
then it's over
the scream has ceased
and silence returns
sounding more deadly than ever before.
still falling
only black do I see
the evil
the monsters' playground
the demons' joyride
and someone is hungry
it wants me
my innocence
my purity
it wants to take it
it feeds on people
people like me.
weightlessness
objects hitting me
ghosts' fingers prodding me
as I fall
I fall down
down into this never-ending hole
this abyss
for eternity
restless
empty
yet full
filled with misery
my worst fears
come back
how did he know?
he knows I'm afraid
the darkness
doesn't help me see
I can't see why
how does he do this?
they cut me again
spilling my blood
oh, the blue
I don't even feel it
I am numb
the sound of me
my skin
being sliced
a quick slashing
and they are done
I am cut
my legs
my arms
my stomach
my face
my neck
I can't see my blood
but I can see how evil it must look.
the thoughts that fell
fell down with me
they too
are damned
they talk to me
they tell me what they see
they can see
blue
yes blue
my cold blood
it is everywhere
I am pale
white
I look sick they say
oh, no
they say
oh, no
they see the bottom
be ready
they say
be ready.
I fall faster still
slowing for nothing
for no one
being pulled down
the puppeteer has me
he's got my string
and he's pulling
with no sign of letting go.
now I hear a song
they all sing it
the notes are cruel
unforgiving
they bump into the others
struggling to be heard
with no set order
it is musical chaos
he yells to me
it is beautiful
and he sings along to his song
it's made for me
musical notes are played
they come up to me
they greet me
they jump
right into my cuts
surging into my blood
they search inside me
no mercy
moving faster
the drum
keeping them steady
pounds faster
picking up tempo
searching
searching
until
they found it
they found
my heart
my soul
the music does the talking
it says to hush
hush now
slow down
my heart listens
and I get sleepy
just stop
they say
just stop
the music is evil
played by the man
the man in the mask
my brains sends
a message
one final request
it says to my heart
speed up
it says
speed up, can't you see?
she is dying
it says
you must speed up!
I still fall
with no way up
letting go of hope
why dream?
dreaming of being saved
when I already know
I'll only be dropped.
I smell
something burnt
burning
oh, no
I know what
that smell
it is flesh
not mine
surely
but belongs to someone else
someone close
they too
they smell of dirt
sinners burning
dead
they are nothing to me
they are the stench
in my nose
nothing more
the smell overcomes all
all the other senses
until it becomes me
and I burn too.
even in the dark
the black
I see something
darker
blacker than black
they are shadows
they mock me
they play
they sing
they dance
they laugh
I fill with evil
hatred
a longing to hurt
hurt the ones behind it all
then
without warning
I hear him
laughing
my pain
is his pleasure
oh so dark
it's over
I'm at the bottom
laying on the cold ground
in a small ball
too weak to stand
in a pool
of dark blue blood
I hold myself tight
I can't trust
these creatures
these beasts.
he likes my weakness
he tells me I am small
I am ugly
I am worthless
I am nothing
he laughs when I cry
I thought that
maybe
just maybe
it would be better
down here
instead of up there.
it's not.
hell is not a game.
death is not an
easy way out.
do not try to visit me.
do not try to rescue me.
for I am more lost
than I hope you will
ever be.
now that I am
at my fate
at the entrance to hell
at the bottom of this grave
of my eternity
and if I am truly
here forever,
I'll have plenty of time
to ask myself
why did I jump?


Details | Free verse | |

Hounds from Hell

Hounds from Hell take their toll on your soul
as you walk the mainstreet of mainstream
and watch Saturn and Neptune dance to a simple tone
of silence in the outer space.
As you sit in the middle of the world
alone;
free yourself from the sense of hopelessness,
only see yourself in the mirror of deception
as your reflection laughs at you and looks right through you,
and doesn't have remorse for what it says or does to you.

Hounds from Hell take your soul,
chock you, cut of your air,
the smog and fog blind you in the city of ash.
Hear the hounds from hell howl for your soul,
go now, barracade your soul behind sins and temptation,
Alone, listening to your soul die away,
watch love go away from you, with suitcase in hand,
picture frames broken and collect dust through the sands of time.
Till the cleaning lady comes on Monday, to clean the mess
that you left behind.
You are gone, without a trace of ever returning.
Looks of the Hounds of Hell came for you and stole you from
comfort and warmth,
till the sorrowed heart cracks and pain spills out
and you look at it all spill out over the floor.
The Hounds from Hell have paid a consumable harmage to you,
and your rich soul of sorrowness burns away... slowly.

Fear darkens souls,
innocent souls burn with a new day,
a slumber that has no end
with nightmares haunting every light of hope
there is left in this desolate Wasteland.
Fear and darkness tears a hole in the darkened universe
and we all go to hell to see the Hounds,
who come for us all.
The graveyards fill,
and death guards the tombstones of the dead,
and the flowers burn away on the feet of the dead.

-10/14/2013-


Details | Free verse | |

Angel of Death

Angel of Death,
Cloaked in black.
With black scaled wings,
Upon her back.
Angel of Death,
Coming for me.
As soon as I sleep
Then dead I will be.
Taken by the night
It swallows and consumes me.
Now I am the angel
And death becomes me.

2003-2004
7th Grade


Details | Free verse | |

The End

You are my apocalypse,
in your eyes I first glimpsed the end of the world.
I craved the destruction in your lips.
(I was well aware this was killing me slowly.)

Our love is my suicide,
my manifesto, so to speak.
You named my pain and told me it'll never fade.
You became the only way to numb it.

You're draining me, I know.
Consuming my mind and body with a well-time crooked smile.
I'm beginning to wonder if I mean a thing to you,
or if I'm just the means to your end.

Alone together we gasp for a cure,
thinking we belong simply because we don't.
Forcing together our broken hearts,
bandaging our scars to fake being complete.

You're messed up and I'm messed up
and this world is messed up, too.
So let's pull the trigger and cross the wires,
hands clasped together, we are the end.


Details | Free verse | |

Shotgun Lovesong

Let's play a game
of Russian Roulette.
I'll go first,
you can pull the trigger.
Look me in the eyes
as the muzzle 
nuzzles
the temple of my skull.

Fire.

I'll probably be fine,
more than alright in fact, 
as I watch you
watch me
remain alive.

It'll look like you love me.
It'll look like you care.


Details | Free verse | |

Fallen Angles

Bang, there goes another.
Another life, another meaning,
Gone. Gone like the rain in the desert
Never to return.

It’s the sad truth that our children
Our teenagers

Cannot live in harmony together on our Earth.
We turn to the isolation.
To the pain.
To the self-hatred and the bitterness.
But what do we gain?

Our lives are not statistics.
We do not deserve this belittling
We do not deserve this treatment.
And yet we still take it all in stride.

We fall and we fall but it never seems to end.
And so we take everyone down with us in the long run.
When will we learn to grab hold,
and stop this incessant falling,
this constant drowning in our thoughts, in the shouting words of others?

Bang, there goes another.
A lost purpose, a lonely child.
Never to see themselves better than the ugly words of others
ever again.


Details | Free verse | |

It's Falling

It's not suicide,
it's falling.
Falling hopelessly,
helplessly into that dark place.
The one you've covered up for so long.
The one that is hidden behind your smiles and laughs and rehearsed joy.
For so long you've waited,
everyday only getting closer and closer to the edge.
You cut and bleed, hurting yourself because somehow, 
someway it helps with the pain.
When things are good, they're bad.
When things are bad, they're horrible.
The pain of day to day life can be only so tolerated.
'Till that day when the cutting, 
poking,
prodding, 
and bleeding doesn't help anymore.
And you finally fall.
You slip so effortlessly into that dark hole,
where there's no room for light. 
Nothing but the final escape from that bitter pain.
Freedom.
As it gets darker and darker, you can see the light.
Not a light of something better, but a light that it's all over.
It's like a continuous rabbit hole,
never ending.
Until you hit the bottom and you're gone.
It's not suicide,
it's falling.


Details | Free verse | |

The Bridge

As I stand tentatively on this ledge,
I begin to wonder
if they'll bother to dredge.
I doubt it,with a river so wide,
not for yet,another suicide.
Then I contemplate the rivers depth
and how it undoubtedly
will steal my breath.
As my legs begin to tremble,
I look back at how my life did resemble.
As I'm thinking of my final seconds,
a hand,quite close,
waves and beckons.
I go to jump and end it all
but something grabs me 
and stops my fall.
Several saviours are now pinning me down.
Why did they stop me?
I wanted to drown.


Details | Free verse | |

Felo-De-Se Dream

I just drank a fifth of vodka
A lot on my mind
I start crying
But not because I'm sad or scared
It just feels like I'm supposed to
Razor blade in my hand
Ready to cut my flesh
First I slit my neck
Then both wrists
See the blood drip
Feel it running down my skin
Hear it hit the floor
Smells great
One taste & reality hits
Blood is gone
No cuts
Or tears
A voice says,
"This is your future"
Then I wake up


Details | Free verse | |

Devil's Hidden Ranch

DEVIL'S HIDDEN RANCH

Coyote howl, dogs growl
Gunshots, dead cow
Red barn left unlock
Horse shoe upon death's door
Tequila in a cup
Salt of cocaine, shadows of insanity
Guitar string, sad song
Bandit near the door, wife on the floor
Hallucinating---Reality
Yelling out her name, he's gone insane
Loaded gun, life is done
Far and near ending his intoxicating fear
The road under the sun
A coward in his path
Responding to the Devil's wrath

In a Hidden Ranch in Mexico!!!!!!
       
:)   SKAT


Details | Free verse | |

Take me to the countryside

Take me to the countryside 
where all the daffodils grow
fresh perfume saturating the air
dispersing sensational aroma
in the atmosphere.
Take me to the countryside
to inhale the balmy fragrance
of mother earth,
to walk on grassy lands
and hold each other hands.
Take me to the countryside
to gaze at the swaying trees, 
and listen to them humming breathlessly 
 in the chilly breeze.
enchanting birds singing in the gusty afternoon,
dancing vigorously to their melodious  tune.
Take me to the countryside 
where all the natural things grow,
tangerine, oranges , banana and  kiwi fruit.
homemade yogurt ,sweet yam
and fresh milk from grandpa’s lamb.
Take me to the countryside
to coalesce with earthy peasants, 
to run up and down the cornfield 
and waddle through onion beds.
Soak me in nature, 
and replenish my aching soul
purge my agonizing wound,
and distill my sorrowful tune.
My soul yearns for spiritual fulfillment
to drown the chaos from the external environment,
mineral water and running streams,
strumming guitars and melodious flutes
are singing harmoniously,
and whispering the truth.
lead me to a place of comfort,
a place where I can breathe,
a place of beauty and incomparable dreams.
Take me to the countryside
to mingle with the animals,
to go horseback riding,
and camp on the mountain top.
Take me away from this hopelessness,
to a place of peace and quietness.
Take me away from this desolation
and find away to solve this confusion.
I want to be free,
free from this burden and misery,
so take me with you before you leave.
When I close my eyes and count to three
at the sound of the whistle
I charge you to set me free.


©2013 Christine Phillips


Details | Free verse | |

While the animals were sleeping

His love 
was above 
the pain
from the 
stained glass 
and aftermath
of abuse

he cradled me
while disabling
reasons

he'd say 
shhhhhhhh
the animals love you.
and if you stop crying
they'll come 
and sing to us

I 

inhaled his breath
and believed that 
if I breathe invitation
i'd hear 
the wild wolves 
howl while they prowled 
around us..

He said..
it's not us they hunger
they seek the thunder
under the same sins and stars..

I 

felt special 
and for just a few minutes
felt the devils arms around me..

I 

believe that 
the rain washes us clean.

then one day 
early

too early

jesse was alone
the animals were sleeping..
as it rained

he blamed himself 
for the health 
of a sick earth...

got the bible 
and his gun

closed his eyes and sung
to god.

as we scurried the floor
to gather his brains
and tried piecing his head 
back together

i

sat back against the wall
and tasted the blood 
of an angel...

my finger still lingers
the scent...

 

 

 


Details | Free verse | |

Love, Death, and Rebirth

The signs started in December
When she started waking up in tears each night
She was a normal girl with dark brown hair and darker brown eyes
She had plenty of friends and a loving family with just one thing missing
Her father. 

Days passed by and turned into weeks but only felt like a few seconds
Her life just whizzed by faster and faster until it was just a whirr in front of her eyes
Darkness filtered into her heart and mind until she didn't know if she could go on
But she had to. She couldn't let her mother and her sister drown in this same pain
She wouldn't let them.

She pushed all the darkness into the depths of her own heart
In hopes to save the hearts of the two people she had left
Because what else was there to live for now?
The rest of her world had crashed and her mother and sister was all that was left 
She wouldn't let them drown in pain too. 

She watched as they started to heal in her loving arms
Their hearts started to lighten up once more
But hers was just as dark as it was before 
And growing darker day by day 
But she wouldn't let that stop her. 

Suddenly a year had passed... and then two 
It only seemed like seconds to her but everyone else started moving on
Her mother and sister no longer needed her nurturing care
But she needed someone to hold on to
Anyone...

With nothing left for her to take control of, the dark pushed past her boundries 
It found a way into her soul
Until all she could see was dark and no light 
But her mother and sister were healed now
They didn't understand

The tears came back and engulfed her soul
Bit by bit until she wasn't sure why she was still alive
The grief took over like knives 
Piercing her skin over and over and over
It hurt so much.

She started to wonder what it'd look like to be dead
She could see him again if she was
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to endure this pain?
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to live knowing she'd never see him again?
It would.

So she started to hate herself
All that negative energy was starting to take toll
Everyone around her was breathing while she suffocated more and more by the second
She wished she'd just choke already instead of living in constant pain
If no one would put her out of her misery, she'd have to do it herself

She couldn't see any light anymore
So she grabbed the pill bottle off the shelf and just hoped it wouldn't take long to die
Deep down she still had a spark of light, but she just couldn't find it 
And now it was too late in her mind to change, to turn back and try to look deeper
She was done living.

That's when people started to notice that everything wasn't as peaceful as it seemed
They started to see how deeply depressed she had become
They wanted to help her see the light again before it was too late 
So they sent her away to see doctors and to take pills to make everything better
It was a start.

She didn't see a change at first but suddenly she could think clearly
Maybe what they were doing was actually going to help her see the light again
Yes, she still wanted to die, but maybe that wasn't the only option anymore
They cared,  and behind all their own problems they were trying to understand
They really were trying

Six months longer she would be treated and cared for
Until suddenly she was sent home from her treatment and care with a smile on her face
She had a new perspective
Someone had helped her ignite that spark in her heart until it was a glowing ember
She had been reborn

Sometimes you have to be able to experience the worst of it
To come back shining brighter than before
And if she had died that cold day in October, she wouldn't of ever seen the best of it
Or known that it would get better
and it did!

And she now sits at her laptop, with a smile on her face and warmth in her heart
It's never been an easy road and it won't ever be
But at least she knows she's lived through the worst
And it can only get better from here

So whenever she feels lonely or gets back into that dark spot again
She can look back on what she's learned and can read this poem
And remember that she survived the darkest depths of depression
And she will continue to survive it as long as she lives
Because she is stronger now than she ever was before ?


Details | Free verse | |

the Rose


                 The Rose innocent white, soft pink, yellows 
                colors touch your soul vibrant red to amethyst

                enhances beauty yet a thorn awaits to break skin
                as life does piercing your heart with a thin pin.

                My life has shed drops of blood through each petal
                 as if in return for the love and beauty you feel

                hence pain underneath patiently waits the bloodletting ~

                The rose symbolizes love yet vulnerable to hold
                for when you open your heart it can be left bleeding

                The best of surgeons can not beat your heart
                It is the inner faith and God himself whom gives strength 

                whispers in your ear you shall live you will exist
                your life meaningful as the water and sun to the rose

                 For I am your God  your existence is not over yet .
                        You must Live ~You must Bloom 
                       
                 


Details | Free verse | |

If I Were Stronger

If I were stronger
I’d say a permanent goodbye
To life
To strife
To misery
To pain
Ah…..the pain

No, it’s too hard
Too damn hard
Too hard
Damn
Damn 
Hard

They tell me to be grateful
For all that I have
And I am
I am
But they don’t see
They don’t hear
The voice inside
That torments me
The demon of my failures
That accuses me
I’m not good enough
I was never good enough
For the world
For myself
For you

Perfectionist’s nightmare
Striving for the ideal
But all I see
Are broken people
Cracked hearts
Baggage not willing to be let off
At any station
Because though it is so heavy to carry
It's familiar
It offers "security"

No, life is too hard
Pills help
Friends help
Family help
God helps
But what is the use
When I tear down
With my own hands
I tear down
Walls of comfort
Of love
I bleed
I grieve
For the woman I used to be
The woman with dreams
Ideals
Walking along the rosy pathways
Of life
Not seeing the thorns
Believing
Always believing
That true love
Will win the day

There is no TRUE love
I challenge you
Find me the source
Tell me where it abides
Where it hides
Tell me
IF you know
If you can honestly say
Your heart has never been torn
If you can look me in the eye
And say you have never lied
You have never strayed
Never betrayed
With your heart
Your words
Someone who loved you
To distraction
And beyond

Forgive me….
It’s nighttime
I’m weak
I wait for the dawn to come
When I can swallow the pill
That brings me happiness
Makes the world that rosy place
Where I can again dance
And smile
And yet I know in my heart
It’s not really me
There is a me no one sees
The woman behind the face
In a lonely place
Longing...

To say goodbye

Eileen Manassian Ghali 


Details | Free verse | |

Life is so precious, so hard to keep

Life is so precious, so hard to keep.
Daddy died, a baby were discovered.
Secretly growing in my young daughters body.

A mixture of all cultures, all races but my first chance at a legacy.
The clashes in the mixture were brutal.  
The blows were deep.  
The killing words, the verbal harassments, the evil projected onto white faces.  

A beautiful child, chubby cheeks, vibrant smile, loving nature searching to be accepted by those she loved.  Asking little with so much to offer.  

Oh how I love that child.  
I want to protect her.  
I want her to be safe.  
I want her to know that someone loves her unconditionally.  

But it is not about me..
She is now an adult...
I have no right to her business...
I can not save her life. 

 Whether this love can be transmitted over thousands of miles is the question.  
Whether she feels this love...and the love of God that can pull her through.  

My beautiful child. 
 Please find that strength. 
 Please recognize the beautiful person you are.  
Please live.


Details | Free verse | |

A Survivor's Guilt

My God!My God!
Why have you forsaken us?
Even now the whisper of wheels
On the track
Convulses me with tears.
What more could I have done?
Where did I fail?

You, the least selfish of men,
Dedicated to your students and staff,
Devoted to your family,
Committed the most selfish of acts.
By locking us out,
You locked us
Into a cycle of torment and pain 
And we never saw it coming.

Worries you brought home
But you chose not to share them
Shrugging off my pleas
You did not want to worry me,
So you said

You dulled your tortured  mind by
Taking solitary refuge in the bottle
And you began slipping away from me.
I tried to batter the door down
With angry words and tears  
As my frustration mounted

Did the children notice our bitter rows?
Was it then the seeds were sown?
You fled to your mother's house
For the balm of her love
More forgiving than a wife's
And there I hoped you would find 
The peace your troubled heart craved.

With your mother you returned
And she soothingly said,
"It will take time."
I saw the fear   in her eyes
Though her faith was strong.

That night you said the sofa would be your bed
"Give me time"were the last words I heard
Strangely I slept soundly 
But when I awoke
I crept downstairs 
To find you
And the car gone.

Frantically I phoned 
And your mobile rang
From the depths of the sofa.
Then I saw your letter
On the cleared coffee table
Stark and white.

You begged our forgiveness.
You said this would spare us pain
And you bade me 
Look after the children.
Stunned and silent
Your mum and I sat 
In dread

Time froze

When the constables came
With their carefully composed compassion
We knew it was just beginning
You had ripped away the veil of the temple
And the tomb was empty.

You had shorn your lambs 
Of their innocence
And inserted a sliver of ice 
In their hearts

Now I am faced 
With the curse of Greek tragedy
Since I must spend my time 
Trying to melt that ice
Before it hardens 
Irrevocably


Details | Free verse | |

the color of october

it's October
the air around her is cool
like her thoughts these days
she looks at the branches, twisted
much like her mind
they are reaching upward
but she is grounded
forever in time
 
she heard the clatter of branches
smacking against walls
and the crash of metal
screeching brakes
screams of pain
and then nothing
but silence falls
 
she  runs to the window
sees the audience
stare at her
then through her
riches to rags
gold to nothing
her fame is gone
 
the trees below are turning
from gold to red
the leaves tossed about
in a slight wind
they spin
so graceful as in dance
a slow spiral down
and she longs to join in
 
she reaches towards them
tastes the cool air
as she falls down
grounded with the leaves
 
the pavement turns red
as silence falls
in October's air
 
 
 
 

The suicide of Dorothy Hale
October 21, 1938
(painting by Frida Kahlo)


Details | Free verse | |

The River home

It was a home on the river we lived .
It was the ghost of a young man whom had taken his own life.

I still remember the vision of him walking by me with a blank stare 
We,  as a Family of  seven , moved into this river house 
Panoramic views right out to the river , I should mention

I was home alone as a child , looking out at "The Julia Belle Swan " as she went by .
Upstairs in that room as I saw a figure walking by , with very nice features , auburn hair 
I thought he was my older brother , a handsome young guy 

Then I realized the young man was not my brother , a  apparition he appeared .
He was not there to scare or frighten , 
the message I believe he wanted to shed light on, so clear.

He walked right by ,then disappeared through the window, out to the River .

The Ghost knew I could see him , a gift I have been given
when I was a younger child of five , I had once died for a short time. I was lifted by Jesus in Heaven . Death is not for us to decide .

Later in the years we moved from that home , every home we lived in had a story 
or a presence of its own . My Mother had told me later , a young man took his life there .

 Keep fighting your way through life and its despair , 
you are important to someone whom cares .  If you feel alone and want life to end , Please pick up the phone , call anyone ,  call for help , call a Friend .

"This is not fiction , it truly is a gift I have been given "


Details | Free verse | |

The value of a life

I am a dreamer.
Not in the usual sense, I suppose..
In the unusual sense.
I don't dream about money
about jobs, places or power.
I dream, a creative swirl, questioning wonder
everything around me to be seen and forgotten
I don't know who I am, or what I am
I know not if I have purpose or exist merely by chance. 
But this life
My life? Your life? all life?
This life.
It is filled with infinite possibilities 
in one life time-
In one lifetime? In a hundred? In a thousand?
This world could not be explored in a lifetime
But in how many
Lifetimes?
To measure ones existence based on the accomplishments you've completed
be it by a %
Is miniscule
too complete every task fathomable- and unfathomable, that is to say
experience everything
in one life time?
Maybe 10? 100? 1,000 
Maybe a 100,00, the number of things on this world alone seem uncountable.
But in 15,000 lifetimes when you're close
close to everything
Would space travel be a thought?

What then.. my infinite lifetimes finally completed, I have tried everything
 on earth
But this?
This multitude that is this solar system?
This universe this galaxy.. 
to even name it seems impossible! There are so..
so many lifetimes I could live and yet never live them all.
We all have but one.
Every breath finite, one breath closer to

Unfathomable.
I know not yet of all in life, who am I to worry and wonder at deaths door.
There will be plenty of time that later- perhaps enough to fill 100 lifetimes?



Details | Free verse | |

Our Rival

The world is our rival
Jealous of our ways
Slowly corrupting the mind
Drawing out the suffering
With venomous tricks

Until we lie in the gutters of society
With wounds of doubt and self loathing
Severed pride spills lies
Hidden as truth

As we grasp for something real
We find only a gun
A single round stalks its chamber
And beckons to us
The temptation all too great

Without a second thought
The pain subsides
Replaced with emptiness

The world takes the lead again
Sheaths its poisoned blade
Looks back at the corpse-strewn track
And frowns in confusion

It wonders if it played a part
But shrugs, sympathizes 
And continues on its path


Details | Free verse | |

The Perfect Bath

Before her glassy eyes, crystal bubbles seem to strangely dance. Slipping down into the water as deeply as she can, she revels in the liquid warmth enwrapping her. Such contrast this is to the crispness of the air around her! Before running her bath, she felt compelled to turn off all the heat in the house. Now she reaches for her glass on the edge of the tub. Bringing it to her lips, she savors one last time the wine, her one small taste of "heaven" from the bottle now lying nearly empty where it spilled out to wet the floor’s cold tiles. Very relaxed, she sets the glass back down beside her. It topples over. The woman hears it shatter. . . yet she lies still. Intoxicated (as was her plan), she lays the sharp edge of a razor blade against her wrist. Making sure to clutch it well, she slices through veins but feels no pain. Then the other side. . . Red fluid threads stream among the fading fizz (all that now remains of the dancing bubbles). And as she drifts off into numbing unconsciousness, it dawns on her that her tub has somehow become unplugged! She is too lightheaded. . . too feeble now to move. The heated fragrant water slowly and steadily subsides. A sharp chill invades her body. With her final breaths, the woman thinks of how her one last plan - to be discovered immersed completely in water - has ended up just like every other messed up thing she ever did and how her plan, like the water of her "perfect" bath, has just gone down the damn proverbial drain. For Debbie Guzzi’s Referential Poetry Contest * pain, slip, wet, numb were the words of reference: Please see the poem "Cyanide" by Cyndi MacMillian.


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide Cheats Death

It was cold.

Death's fingers
Resting on my forehead.
The nail
Scraping, scraping,
Skin scorching
Of pain.

"You want darkness
Or heaven?"

He cackled, losing grip
On the nail
Bludgeoning
For blood.

"Time's a wasting."

The wind stopped blowing a long while ago.
Death composed himself;
Pulled the nail out
'Til the roused red
Spouted out

And the cold resurfaced.

"You ain't scared.
This suicide?"

"Death.
If only you knew,
How much I craved
For this to end."

The frostbite quivered.
Death removed
The deadly weapon
From the skin.

"I'm a murderer.
Not a liberator."

Death.
His charm tensed,
As his tongue rid
The blood stain from his white digit
Forcing exit as a bitter belch,
And a satiated grin
Carved on his
Phantom tint.

"I'll be back when you have a purpose
Eh?
Ain't no joy for me when there's joy for you."

And he will.
Yes, he will wait.
Patiently,
Waiting
To grace my blood
With his twitching nail,
Edging icily.
For it will only take
The whisper of a smile,
A soundless breeze,
To summon even the remnants
Of his presence.


Details | Free verse | |

Depression

Depression

3 o’clock in the morning…
The sounds of bed frames hitting drywall,
The sounds of Chopin and Coltrane played
With a hint of sadness in tone.
Sounds of whores and pimps arguing;
“Where is the money, you whore?!”
“I don’t have the money!”
A sound of a slap to the face
A big hand crushing bone,
Blood everywhere
Red streaks on white walls.
The sound of drunks walking gloomy streets,
Police and ambulance rush down burned out streets
Sirens wailing, crying out!

A child, six years old
Crying, “Momma! Momma!”
Shedding tears over his dying mother, lost her soul to the
Crack pipe.
Rest In Peace.
A sound of a .357 magnum revolver click
And a gunshot shakes the nerves of many,
And for a moment the sweet and peaceful silence.

“Dispatch, suicide on 46th street Hollywood Boulevard, Send the Corner. Over.”
Then the darkness sails over
And the entire cities are showered with tears from the heavens,
But no one weeps,
Not a single soul…

-10/2/13-


Details | Free verse | |

An Empty Tissue Box

The office is open and the day will be full
My first client's here

Sunny cried tears of grief for her 
Sister (cancer)
Rose wants to take pills (suicidal)
Louise, once so competent
Cannot work (depressed)
David's barely hanging in
Goes to hospital (depressed)
Robert cannot teach (also depressed)
What can he do?
What can any of them do?
I have no answers
The wounded keep walking 
Among us

A tough ordeal, I reach for a tissue
But all I find
Is
An Empty Tissue Box

April 14th, 2013


Details | Free verse | |

Hear Me

Hear me.
Please listen.
My little squeaks mean something.
Help me.
I can’t.
This pain is molesting my spirit.
Is it
worth it?
Should I leave everything behind and just “poof” away?
Please try to
Help me.
My physical appearance is starting to fatigue.
Save me.


Details | Free verse | |

The Man With No Face

Hark!  It is he!
A slate face; devoid!
Mechanical, computing, sleepless.

No! Just human!
Turning, just turning!
He will not fall, now expressionless.

The dark gazeth!
Yet, he wont gaze back!
Four days, sleepless, faceless, for all!

His face is stone.
No care, there's no care!
Persist amidst all of the loss.

It is but he!
No! Tireless;
designed to be.
It is but he!

Shrug the abyss,
he will nev'r fail;
a perfection, 
designed to be. 
Shrug the abyss.

Through it all,
he leaveth none for all!
To see the end of it all,
the completion of it all!
None but all.

Four days sleepless,
it is none but he!
Faceless, breathless, mechanized.

Look! See him now!
With bags under eyes.
See him now, the man with no face.

It is he,
Be it so! Be it so!
To see the end of it;
the destruction of it all!
It is he.


Details | Free verse | |

THE LAST ACT

“Hello, sweetie, what’s your name? 
Would you like some lollies?
Or my huge brown sugar cane?
Such a nice little girl!
Who’s your daddy
talking to?
What is he doing leaving you to play with yourself?
Are you scared? 
Sad?
Lonely?
It’s alright, honey, you’ve got me.

I’ll ride you 
to the top of those rainbow hills
where pink unicorns and flying octopuses live.
I’ll take you 
where the stars align, and the sky is velvet with glamour.
All my care is you and all my pleasure yours.
Hands,
Put yours in mine
I will show you the world.”

“Sir, you promised me wonders 
Yet I’ve felt nothing but pain.
Please send me back home to my family
where we first began.”

“If life were that simple, I wouldn’t have needed you
Should’ve known better than talking to strangers
Oh now you do!
Did it never occur to you that all is just a silly game?
The one that loses is also the one who gained.
Next
to you I lied.
I filled you
with sweet words, and finally made you come. 
You’re my one in many conquests,
I your priceless lesson. 
Now I’ll make you scream till you pass out,
still no-one will hear your cries.
I might as well kill you.
I might as well die!”


Details | Free verse | |

She Forgot

She could not forget
How she’d been forgotten
And so she chose to no longer remember…

His lips that had made love to hers
Tasting her savor

His hands that journeyed
Over the landscape of her body
Pausing at swelling hills
To be amused
Pitching their tents in
The lush and verdant
Oasis of her love
To bring her pleasure

She chose to forget
The sounds of his satisfaction
At being fed, nourished
From the bounty of her passion
The satiation of his body and mind
By her opulent fare
Of delectable treats

She chose to forget
The eyes that had been her home
Her shelter, refuge
The dark lashes that enclosed her
Safe and warm
Eyes that caressed her thoughts
That spoke when his words faltered
Of surging emotions or tranquil contentment

She chose to forget
Those words that had etched themselves
Into the walls of her heart
That burst fresh with each beat
Pouring into the hall of memories
Of her mind
Shouting out
Begging for attention
Begging to be recited
Like a chant
To be repeated
Again and again
To be lingered over

She chose to forget
All these...
And in doing so
She forgot who she was
She forgot time and place
She forgot his face
She forgot…..
To breathe

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Free verse | |

Peace

How queer the color of viscera
squarely foreign in my breast
To be the butcher and grim and goddess
All in one
Leaves identity succinct
Or identifies succinctness
If it has been
Then so it was always before

Therein is 'Peace'
Reposed and eyes rolling
Great, vacant saucers on vertiginous axis
She is quite the swollen beast
And on all fronts, she is terrible
If only you'll watch you may notice her growth
A malignant sort
An unwelcome appendage
I'd dash it out but I've already gone
Too pale and dogged in life to succumb
I curse her tenacity

She has a sister, I think
Or maybe a child
A child who lives down deep in my chest
A child who shrieks and tears down the walls
Perhaps she dislikes their pattern


Details | Free verse | |

Life Can Be Cruel

I cannot get into heaven
God I have tried!
Suicide is a double edge sword
Especially when you survive!
Walking the streets at night
Dazed and confused
Longing to be loved
Wondering...
When is Mum, coming for me?

"Does she still love me?"
"Does she still care?"
"Does she still think of me?"
"Does she wonder, where I am?"

I want her to come find me
I want her to say she 'loves me’
I want her to comfort me
I want her to take me home
And keep me safe
And not forget hat I exist
Like the way she treats me now

I wish God 
Could make my Mum
Magically appear
Making this hellish nightmare
On the street
Disappear!

“Send my Mum please!”
So, all this can end!
Before this last ray of hope
Diminishes for good!

I don’t want to become
The walking dead
Forever forgotten as if 
I was never born!
For this is the cruel, harsh reality
Of living life, feeling unloved
Uncared for, abandoned,
Left to fend for my own

A dangerous killer inside me
Eating away, at my soul
Something, no one can see
As I suffer in silence
My insides crippling!

Lost, alone and frightened
Weeping on a dirty
Graffiti park bench
Dirty tears
Rolling down my cheeks
Stuffing newspapers under my jumper
To keep myself warm

“What am I going to do?”

“Will I make it through the night?”
“Will I get raped and beaten?”
"Will I be left for dead?”
“Will I survive
To see another day?

“Is my life worth living?”

Please God, I beg of you
Have mercy now
Please show me the way!


Details | Free verse | |

WAITING TO EXHALE

WAITING TO EXHALE

Now that I have successfully alienated everyone else,
the time has come to liberate myself, having played  
this out in my mind…so many times I guess I have
finally acted on it—as you try to comprehend.
This “fault”—this “defect” in my head--an
incessant obsession and desire to want to
trip all the switches which keep going -- either
overloading or slowing down into a very faint buzz,
reminding me and making me barely aware that 
I am still physically present even though
it feels like I have died a slow death inside.
The exhaustion of knowing that the extreme highs and lows will 
without fail, continue to repeat themselves, each one, each time,
leaving me more out of control and hopeless than the last.
It’s acknowledging my personal weaknesses, not being
able to maintain any inkling of mature responsibility and
the continued failure—feelings of guilt, incompetence and
letting people—family, friends, medical professionals
and even myself down, time and time again.
Coping mechanisms are deteriorating and becoming 
dysfunctional until they reach the stage of being a self
destructive procedural descent in the same direction.
Alcohol and drug abuse will only numb the pain for
so long before they consume a person in the mere
volumes required to obtain the equivalent effect.
I have reached the stage where I feel I have made
a progressive step to the next level—to show myself
this time I have the courage to carry it through... 
Finality will prove the unknown entity but…. it does not scare me any longer--
waiting to exhale…..

(This was a suicide note I wrote five years ago. Fortunately there was intervention and I was correctly diagnosed and received the appropriate medication. To anyone out there feeling this way-- there IS hope--- just pick up a phone or text/sms someone)


Details | Free verse | |

Leave a Message After the Beep

It's always hardest, when there is no one to talk to-
When I dial your number, and it just rings and rings
Until the dreaded "voice mail" picks up.
For just an instant, when there is that brief crackle and "click"-
My hopes skyrocket that you have picked up the phone and answered, when I needed it most, the moment I am most frantic...
But when, in reality, it's just that pre-recorded message that I've heard a million times before; how I loath it
And I feel my heart sinking, like there are anchors tied all around it, dragging it into the depths of my stomach!
Where are you? Can you not feel my desperation through the infinite channels of the universe, or are they clogged and busy, too?
Don't you know that I need you, perhaps now, more than ever?
I know you're at that fancy French restaurant you're always talking about, drinking fine wine and eating escargot, possibly dancing the night away.
While I am here, all alone, eating my own heart out for supper.
All I need, all I want, is a compassionate voice on the other end of the line, talking me down off the ledge once again.
Don't you know I've had too much to drink; that I am listening to sad songs and thinking about doing it again- that awful thing which leaves me so terribly scarred when I wake from my stupor? The cuts. You know, those things you hate to see marring my arms.
But I'll have to resort to self-will and self-control, of which I have so very little...
I may or may not make it through another night of melancholy and self-loathing.
Please, for the love of God, pick up the damn phone!

*Any Poem Goes Contest Entry
~JustThatArchaicPoet
 


Details | Free verse | |

The Lonely Umbrella

The Lonely Umbrella

An umbrella is hung on the edge of the roped bridge of sighs
its color a contrast to the black white  and grey 
In the still of the night there is much to convey
she must act very quickly no time to delay
she did not ply her dreams and desires too well
too many demons to dispel

she stood at the edge staring down at the lake
and murmured a prayer for the ones she will miss
a brief second and then into the watery abyss
a splash lands randomly on the bridge save one drop

The lonely umbrella hangs on the roped bridge of sighs
awaiting no one there is no one to care
dripping down on it slowly is a single drop
or is it a tear

Free verse

Written March 1, 2014 by Ralph Sergi for Visual  number 2

Shown in SYMBOLISM: THE UMBRELLA Poetry Contest by nette onclaud


Details | Free verse | |

The Eyes

The Eyes

The eyes so shattered and so blue,
You sit there and you knew
The pain of losing someone close to you,
And you beg for their return,
But a wish so great, can never be granted.

The eyes shattered and blue,
Watch you,
Take the bottle and drowned yourself,
They watch you destroy yourself,
And they know what they do,
Yet they show no remorse, no pain in heart.

You fall asleep
On a dirty mattress,
Held up by broken dreams
And nightmares,
No pillow, no blanket
Just air you float on.
And your blind eyes close in the night,
The dreams come back to haunt you
And the eyes, they watch you,
So shattered and so blue.

Till three o’clock hits again
Wake in cold sweat,
Spiders on webs weaving a nest
In your head,
A cry out for the Madhouse,
Where the eyes so shattered and so blue
Stare at you, through a window with no reflection.

-10/3/2013


Details | Free verse | |

Future

At night 
When she lays down
Body to jaded
Spirit long since faded
But, Her restless mind
Awakens

Telling her 
Who she is
What she will be
The nights that
Will soon follow
How it will end
With a gun in hand

She sees a woman
To scared to stand
To timid to speak
In her mind always
A lioness ready to fight
But in actual fact
A cub weary 
Weak

She sees a scared
Little girl
Burning in the eyes
Of the beholder
The seducer
The personal foe

Where will it end
This laying bare
This bleeding trend
Where will it end

In a glint of stainless
She sees
A sudden timelapse
Of a future of use
Of many men Served 
At night
As her body is shook
In rhythm
To perpetrators 
Scornful looks
One by one
They finish
One by one
They leave her
Staring up into oblivion
Hoping the pain will end 
Praying for amends
Screams in her eyes
Begging for forgiveness
Her face stays blank
Waiting for the next
To ruin her rank

A snap back to reality
What now?
What next?
She hugs her knees
Afraid of what will be

Click
She is set back quick
She is standing above
What seems to be
Her not much younger self
Sitting on her feet
Angrily crying
Hands manically clawing 
At the sides of her head
She suddenly rises
RedVelvet seeping 
Through her pale skin
The frenzied search begins

A timelapse again
She sees herself
Ferociously scratching with a pen
The anger in a book
Soon to be hidden again

A creak of a door
Sends her spiralling back
Into the now
Into the black

Defeat
Will her prediction
Be her end?
The only thing left
A gun in shaking hand


Details | Free verse | |

Don't Judge Me

Skinned knees, sad eyes,small smile
She's rotten inside.
Veins broken, shredded skin, bloodshot eyes and shattered bones.
Scraping noises ring out as her feet
Drip across the floor.
Silent wails escape her mouth
As she claws at the door.
Don't judge me.
Wandering pointlessly 
Never stopping.
Round and around.
Scrape, scrape.
Don't judge me.
She's tired, she's broken but she can't stop.
She can't stop because she's dead.
Don't judge me.
She is caged inside.
Inside my soul.
She is broken and so am I.
She is dead and so am I.
She is gone and I will be soon.
Don't judge me.


Details | Free verse | |

Project Manager Needed ASAP

She was the shrink
I was crazy
Depressed is the clinical name
All I wanted was a blood bath
With me as the victim
Perhaps a leap from a tall building (I’m afraid of heights)
Or a good old fashion hanging (keep with tradition)
Overdose (seems too easy)
Maybe the classic razor to the wrist (to cliché)
Gun shot to the head (to messy)
None of these would due
It needed to be creative.
I wanted to go out like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelley
Dancing madly backwards 
In the rain, of all places for Christ sakes
And get run over by the A Train.
While Count Basie’s Orchestra is swinging its ass off
Or Sting is singing Roxanne.
It needs to be like a wedding, a celebration if you will
"Bon voyage Mr. Kilmer you’re off to the darkness
Send us a postcard if you can.
We understand, but if anyone can do it you would be the one!"
Then of course there’s the note…
How many people can you thank or make cry?
It would be like the Emmy’s where you get cut off by some crummy music
I mean sweet Jesus can’t a person just say a few words on his own behalf
And not have to deal with rules and regulations?
There is nothing in this world that is easy.  
I can’t even die without a project manager and a caterer.
Seems like such a waste of time.
Maybe I’ll have my toenails painted instead.


Details | Free verse | |

Fairydust Martinis


It was in all of the
"Wonder-land" newspapers
how a fairy  commited suicide by
diving into a martini

The drinkee 
being oblivious
to this invisible death
just kept on drinking
not thinking of fairydust,
but only assuming it was 
sparkling from the moon
and, the mouth tingling
 obligatory olive

Some-one in "Wonderland"
 wrote a small obituary
to remember her 
riding to eternity
on a dragonfly's wings

And if the  moral to this story
isn't  obvious, you must,
when drinking martinis under moonlight
watch out
for suicidal fairies

For Linda's, In the Moment Contest


Details | Free verse | |

Will he not

This smell penetrates my senses;
My belongings in hand, I will wait
for the grey faced man to take me.
Solemnly walking into it;
my belongings are in plain sight.
I will wait
for the grey faced man to take me.

In this stale room;
dreary eyes proceed.
Bleak God please, not this soon,
I look through the crack
and wish to believe
that he not humiliate me.
Will he not take me?
Will he not imprison me?

Alas, he has come;
I see him through the crack.

Is my face not red with embarrassment?
Am I not ashamed?
Am I true in this guilt?

Alas, he has come;
I see him through the crack.

Will he not humiliate me?
Will he not take me?
Will he not imprison me?

He takes me now
with all too much force.
Bleak God please, not this soon.
Looking through concrete
my essence is guilt.
Solemnly walking into it;
I have ended my successes,
I will wait,
for the grey faced man now takes me.

Bleak God! I deserve all of this!
My face is red with embarrassment.
Alas, the grey faced man takes me.


Details | Free verse | |

My Problem

Born to live,
Never wanting to die,
fearing death to its every limit,
as blue eyed death grabs my shoulders
and laughs with grim
and I fear death even more.
Car crashes, murders, greed and envy
takes me to a place where I can't find hope.
Laughs grow and brings tears to my eyes,
I hope off trains and dodge cars driving down freeways
taking time to sit down and look at my ways,
that push me left nor right.
Up nor down can I see the time tick away
I can't wait till I walk Jacob's ladder,
till a black demon tears me down,
and sins rip me open,
like a surgeon to a patient on a table,
Me, myself and I take time to see the wrongs in life.

Do I dare shake the vines from the dark green jungles
that tangle deep in my mind, body and soul?
I shake with vengence when time turns its face from me.
Time has no time for me
and she takes me by the hand and wastes my life away
with endless heartbreak and drunken whores and buffoons,
who care only about themselves.
The evil souls burn away,
and their blind eyes do not see what they do to others' hearts and souls.

I believe the strangeness of me is that I love too much,
and care too much to actually open my eyes and see what burns away
infront of my very eyes.
I only see what my heart wants to see
my romantic side kills me away,
while my physical being is falling apart with heartbreak and sorrow.
The strange part is,
love was never there to be found,
and the strangeness of me,
is that I love too much to see blue eyed death coming to get me.


Details | Free verse | |

Tell me America

       

Tell me America ,
Will you win this war ?
Will you bring cruelty to gallows ?


I see you daily here;
Left and right like pendulum,
Ups and downs like leaf-cutters,
Building army, building allies,
Pacing faster on trick’s ladder;
Still this monster is gargantuan,
Like phoenix looks its soul,
Like elixir its spirit.


Storms cruelty gathers daily
The brutish it breeds like ants,
Their fangs like shoemakers' hammers;
Making hell of every metre
That I am affraid America;
From which hedge will you strike,
From which side will you come ;
To bring brutality to its knee?


The day mother bought a hen
And let it loose for airing a bit
No sooner it met the brutish
Than the cruel scraped its head
With their  vampire’s aching-pecks.


On their feast of bear your fangs;
The green were shredded like young okra,
And the gray like potato chips;
Every foot wore sock of red ;
That an aged man sermonised :
Monster's world , young as the day is ,
Lions have made morsel of antelopes.


Who shall tame the lions ?
Who shall safe the necks of antelopes ?
Tell me America, will you win this war ?
Will you bring cruelty to gallows ? 
Will you tame the lions and cage the peckers ?
The lions are roaring everywhere and there, 
Their noise becoming louder and deafening
Worldly peace in monsters' cage , tell me,
Please be eloquent; will you win this war
Or we start building temples for terrors ?   


Details | Free verse | |

Battling Addiction

The white dragon hunts you.
With eyes of a predator, ever watching.
Waiting in the dark shadows to strike.

I have chased this dragon before.
For he has haunted me, as well.
Many a lifetime ago.
That you did not know.

There is terror in my heart.
I want to scream, run!
But you will not hear me,
Over the roar of his breath, 
or the promise of more.

Your choice binds you to the chase.
No spell I can cast will be enough to save you,
Beautiful boy.
I can only stand here,
 and watch, 
as this dragon looms 
over your poisoned mind, 
and weakened body.

You are running out of time.
The chaos is closing in.
Gripping you tighter every time.
I cannot stand to watch.

My heart dies a thousand deaths.
You must run.
Please, I beg of you, for all you are beautiful boy.
I don't want to watch you slip into the past,
As you fall prey to the dragon.
Run!!

GypsyofEssence


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide

When they found you it was too late
Standing there they saw a twist of fate
The days to follow so somber
Gave everyone something to ponder

Your pain was too much to bear
Thinking life was so unfair
A loving soul crushed so young
The hearts of your family forever stung

A baby now without a father
Her life a story with only one author


Details | Free verse | |

The Rose

The red falls against the snow
it’s color like the red of a rose
I smile
I have created a rose in the winter.
Soon the red has melted the ice,
collecting in a pool below my wrist.
A flower blooming from the skin.
Petals falling from the bud
and warming my ever so cold touch.
It’s thorns still pierce me
but the beauty takes away all feeling.
The ever growing flower,
it takes away my taste,
then my hearing,
then my touch,
then my body goes numb.
Then it takes my sight
and replaces it all with a blanket of white.


Details | Free verse | |

Hello my Old Friend

Hello, my old friend...
Did you miss me?
It seems like forever since we last met like this
Hello, my old friend...
Did you miss the warm touch of my skin?
I missed the way your cool lips feel against my wrist
The little nip and nibble as you let out my demons
Did you miss the ribbons of blood that run through these veins?
I know I missed you.
Hello, my old friend...
You want to help me get through this?
Thank you for listening
No one else does
No one else helps
Nor would they even know where to begin.
You're the only true friend I have
Hello, my old friend...
Did you miss the fragile veins in my wrist?
You once said they reminded you so much like twigs trapped under ice...
So please, friend
Bite down and snap a few twigs here or there.
Hello, my old friend...
Like a doctor you cure my pain
You know exactly which areas to touch and to tease
Hello, my old friend
You're the only one who listens
You're the only one who knows how I really feel
and you're the only one who knows the temporary fix
To what aches and ails me
Hello my old friend
Did you do something new?
I noticed the shine and the gleam in your eye
You're looking pretty sharp these days
Hello, my old friend
Hello my razor blade
Goodbye thoughts and goodbye pain
Good bye voices in my brain.
 


Details | Free verse | |

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry
For all the words that I said
When I claimed I wanted you dead
This runs through my head
I want to be dead

I'm sorry
For all the things I did
All my scars I hid
How you I tried to get rid
I acted like a kid

I'm sorry
For the lies I told
The grudge I tried to hold
How I pushed and pushed 'til you did fold
I never meant to be so cold

I'm sorry
For denying your love
As you called gentle as a dove
I answered with push and shove
When the truth.. I don't feel worthy to be your belove

I'm sorry
More than you will ever know
For I have to go
And follow the crow
Straight into the White Glow

I will always love you, even from the other side.


Details | Free verse | |

The Goodbye Song

There's this emptiness that increases
As I look at the blue sky, the loneliness heightens
Once again I close my eyes and picture you
I feel so numb at times and it's hard to let go
I stare at the clouds wishing i could float away too
The world has no place for me now
I miss the song of summer, the gentle cool breeze
I miss the old me...
I can't get back what I've lost
What remains is a cool facade
Beneath all those sweet smiles and brown eyes
Lurks an ocean of pain that is just too deep
I know you won't understand and that's fine by me
I try to touch my dreams and they crumble and fall apart
As I close my eyes tonight and stand at the edge once more
I wish to fall and embrace the light.


Details | Free verse | |

Left Behind

LEFT BEHIND

Let me come with you. Don’t
leave me here. Waking each 
morning forgetting, between sleep 
and wake, that you have gone 

My body, confident that if I reach 
for you across the lonely bed you 
will be there warm and sleepy. 
Skin smooth clean and sweeter 
than any man has a right to be

Turning to you with my triumphs, 
my hurt, my happiness, my 
defeat. Taken for granted, the 
sharing now lost forever 

Laughter delights the heart but the 
art of causing another to laugh is 
the true joy. All lost
 
I still smell your cigarette smoke, 
hear your voice, and feel your 
foot fall, your presence so solid 
that I speak aloud to you 

Cursing you for leaving me, 
pleading with you to return, 
begging that fate turn the clock 
back, beseeching that events be 
rewritten, different, so at the last 
possible moment, I will save you

Trisha Sugarek
Butterflies and Bullets
.


Details | Free verse | |

Titless Girl

This reality is a titless girl:
Nothing to offer superficially;
But if I peeped under her breast,
I'd receive what'd put my soul to 
rest.
Sadly, I haven't the greatest of 
senses
To blow my fallible beliefs out of my 
ear;
What's offered underneath will stay 
in the rear.





Details | Free verse | |

Self Harm

i've been quiet too long i need to be vocal
while i remain drug free and teetotal
a blade is something i need to be close to
need a magic telescope i can see hope through

first time i did it.age 15 when my dad died
i swear my pen and pad cried
they were jealous i had a new "friend"
i just wanted my pain to end

my parents gave me away to strangers
growing up in care
filled with pain,sadness and anger
only the blade was there

i had no one to talk to
only my Nikes understand what i had to walk through
it seems once you do it
the blade seems to stalk you

don't ask how could i do it to myself
when no one knows the pain i felt
everyday being called a freak and emo
i was lost.but you were too busy trying to find Nemo

please tell me more about the attention i'm seeking
when i was going through it
not once did i ever mention or speak it
my pain and hurt forced me to do it

i haven't self harmed in over 2 years
overcome all of my pain hurt and fears
relapsing is the only fear i have left
but before i do that i'll of reached my death


Details | Free verse | |

My cobain smile

I want to drown my urge to die
I want to kill my pulse inside
I can't breathe, I'm paranoid
Everything in life I avoid

Don't speak to me, I'll look away
Inside my eyes is just decay
 I'm already dead, but have yet to die
Why do I keep my body alive

My soul is dead, eyes are lies
So is the smile I hide behind
Pull the plug, I'm a fake
In a nightmare and I cannot wake

Drown me! I'm flooded in pain
Please help me regain
Some peace, some rest 
I want to die to live again

Set me free 
Slitting my wrists isn't working
The more stares I get
The more I become numb
I just need to be gone
Eliminate my pain, 
I'm already out of breath 
Suffocating on my hopelessness

Every day I am alive 
But I'm craving to die inside
Curved smile because your so naive
You think I'm happy 
Yet I'm being crushed
My head is overflowing 
With these thoughts that are too much

One word, suicide
Sparks a light inside of my eyes

I don't want to pretend to live
Let me go, flood me in sin
There is where I want to swim
Six feet under the ground

Don't be selfish 
And keep me in pain
To tourture my lifeless body again
Let my body float soundly
Rushing water, ocean salt
I promise I won't feel it at all.

End it, hold me under 
Then bury me so I can slumber
Goodbye lifeless eyes
As I'm dying I'll be coming alive
Haunting images 
Deleted from my mind
Laughing 
As I leave this world behind

Water 
Floods my lungs 
Death 
Leans in for a kiss

Together we sink into insanity
And drown in infinitys abyss. 


Details | Free verse | |

No More

No More

Feeling abrupt,
Like a volcano ready to erupt
My soul a hurricane swirling
Around my empty mind and cruel
And forgotten soul.

Pain, feelings so strong,
It cannot be described
On a page with a pen.
I snatch the lunar eclipse
Away,
And beauty of the heart goes away,
No sight, no sound;
No pain, no sorrow;
No smile, no frown;
No anything, no everything.

A soul so black,
A heart so weak,
That love is long gone,
And will never return.

No pain is worth feeling,
And no pain such that I hold
Is worth writing away,
No use in finding love again,
When faced with heartbreak
One thousand times before.
No more pain, no more sorrow.

I shall go and sleep away the time,
Till Death comes calling my name,
And lilacs and violets litter my way,
And a single ruby hearted rose
Dries up and slowly dies away.

-10/3/2013-


Details | Free verse | |

Jump

I’m not feeling so damn good
Jump.
.
I could get another job
Jump.
.
No one really cares
Jump.
.
Why push the envelope
Jump.
.
Flesh on the bone
Jump.
.
Nothing but tragedy here
Jump.
.
Cell phone buzzed
Jump.
.
. 
Jump
Jump 


Details | Free verse | |

My final journey

In despair, I contemplate
ending my miserable disease-ridden life!
My body is damaged beyond repair
And so intense is the anguish that I can barely bear.
I'm a worthless mess helpless , a broken man and
my future is just infirmity and agony
so I’ve decided it all ends tonight…
so I will exit and leave the world to be a better place
leaving  nothing but only
broken dreams and fading thumbprints…Not a rope, a blade, a fire, a plunge or pills it was,
but to live each day, was stealing my soul!
so I opened the door of death.
Then, the sword of time will pierce my heavy heart

I go up to my dusty desk to inscribe this last poem
Death in purple ink of fatigued pen
betrays the written yearning on a parched paper.

As the sand begins to pile up and time begins to run out;
I will put myself to eternal sleep now
And I promise you that I won’t wake up tomorrow
Saying goodbye is not the hardest part,

By dawn, this family will have one less member
but I have become a part of your life,
It’s just that I can’t bear to lose you…
Remember me for the good times we had together
and I hope that I made a memorable place in all your hearts and
touched each and every one of you in a special way

My crystal tears smudge the silky bed-sheet
Death is laughing as I cry; so I smile to conceal all my lies!
To snatch my miserable soul, ruthless death beckons me
my life sheds the skin of my body that splits apart,
and the crimson blood starts to spill on the floor
a pool of my deliberate  death…

I’m sad -
because I showered you with all my love and affection
because I won’t be there when you are dolled up as a blushing bride
because I won’t be there when you take matrimonial vows
because I won’t be there to see your children grow

I will die tonight in a shower of my own blood
while my ruby red tears blend with my poetic remains
to read this last of my poem, aloud!

My pyre below me feel like cozy cushions under my head
and ashes like malleable mattress
When you see my corpse is being carried away -
don't lament, shed any tears, or feel sorry

Don’t have crystal drops pouring down your pretty face
because I’ll see from you above the azure skies
as I’ll blend in five elemental Constituents
No sadness, no funerals -
only goodbye as the lamp of life extinguishes.
Please pray that I find a new painless world and happiness
as I enter Almighty’s abode!
and fulfill a last wish of a lonely broken man -

It is my yearning to be cremated on this desert island
and let my ashes be blown into the sands of Bahrain, amid fireworks,
and whisper a final ‘Adieu’ -
when I depart for my final journey!


Details | Free verse | |

Lonesome Tragedy

Name: Rightful Jack
Date: 08/11/1934

Dear Reader:

I see the lonesome, washed up, tragedy...
My people, the children, meant nothing to them...
Sacrifice my palms with the blood of one thousand sons...
Analytic substances, known as the air we breathe...
There is no longer peaceful currents, the sea is now a liquid black...
The storms were greasy, the fires were oblique, every word was bled...
They always perceived error in our effort...
But no harlequins were in our already dead, hellish survival...
No one else can be held liable...
The undeniable stench of the deceased mothers...
One man regurgitates his bowl of slop...
Another procreates his remedies of the red drenched taupe...
I love this poem :')


Details | Free verse | |

A monster's Fear of the Open Closet

Everyone knows and can see, 
the wretched monster
who has been hiding in his closet for so long.

They do their best to ignore him,
make him feel worthless,
try and make him realize
his kind isn’t welcome in society.

The poor monster does his best
to close his  closet door,
but too many of his open secrets
already block the thin wood,
that once separated him from the rest of society.

The monster is barely able 
to move the door an inch,
so the people continue to discover ways 
to harm the poor monster.

      Meanwhile the monster despises his choice,
 to open the closet door
and allow the outside world 
to have a look at a life of hiding in the closet.

All he wished for was acceptance
but all he received was denial.

The monster began 
to try and retrieve his secrets,
to close his closet door,
but they were already running wildly 
through the minds of the outside world.

Eventually the monster realized that all hope was lost,
there was no longer any safety in his closet,
but the closet was the only thing he knew.

so one lonely night
the monster finally decided to end his misery,
he tied a noose onto the coat rack
and stood on a box of old shoes,
slipped his neck through the inviting hole,
and allowed his legs one last walk,
right off the edge of the old box of shoes.

During the next day,
society had seen what they had done
and began to rejoice that the “terror” was dead.
Some pretended to be sad,
but the rest openly delighted about the monster’s death.


Details | Free verse | |

One Day

Can you please wake up?
It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face.
I miss the gentle raspiness of your voice
And the sweet taste of watermelon on your lips.
Your words give me a reason to live.
They wrapped me within a blanket of optimism
Every time you spoke.
I understand the reason why you had to leave,
But you couldn’t even say goodbye to me,
Because you left so suddenly
Why do you have to be so far?
I constantly call you hoping you’ll pick up .
I text you hoping you’ll somehow respond.
But I know you won’t even bother.
You’re off doing bigger and better things,
And I can’t stop you from living your life the way you wanted.
I occasionally walk by your old house,
And reminisce on the memories we shared in that abandoned home.
Like your mom making us homemade lasagna,
And stealing kisses when she turned her back.
But all that is just a faded memory.
Every time I think of you,
My tears flood the corners of my eyes.
I just wish I can kiss your scars one last time,
But the most recent cut
Took you away from my arms,
And moved you to a permanent place amongst the stars.
So I’ll give you this single rose above your grave.
As I promise to see you again.
One day.


Details | Free verse | |

Western Suicide

It’s no secret
I would rather be dead
Than alive
If I were in a western movie
The poster would read:
“Wanted Alive, Death 
Would make him too Happy.”
Can you imagine how that might
Play out in Hollywood and 
Spaghetti westerns?
No more wild gunfights
No more knives in the back
They would have to be tricky
Conniving and even smart 
To bring their man back alive.
At every turn he would beg them to hang him
Give me a dose of horse pills.
Could you tighten these handcuffs up till I bleed?
No one wants a suicidal prisoner
Let’s face it they are just no fun.
And of course you would need a counselor along
To make sure that if he needed to talk there was somebody there.
I mean who wants to talk to some grunting cowboy
Who’s cleaning the cow manure out of his teeth?
Yes the West would have been won in a gentler more feeling
Manner.
Without great escapes and liars.
Just simple folk telling the truth about how they feel.
I know it makes me feel better; although I still want to die...


Details | Free verse | |

Songs of Ophelia

I sing the songs of childhood
A forgotten time...
Before illusive fantasies of womanhood
Before hearing of the murder of my dreams
By the hand of my lover
Who demands of me
Things I cannot give
Forcing issues of loyalty
Between people I love
And a woman’s heart rends
Behind the curtain
Hidden concern bleeds to death
Overwhelmed
By the accusations
The violent demands
The questioning eyes
Slowly going insane
Wearing my mourning gown of pain

I sing
I dance
I twirl
Ophelia’s songs
Running through my head
Flowers in my hands
I dance 
Traipsing towards….
The water’s edge
I wade in
Clothes and all
Looking for my cradle of solace
I lie back
Looking up at the azure sky
Songs of childhood
Of innocence lost
And heartaches won

A bird catches my eye
Soaring free
I stop singing
Slowly tilting my head back
The water covers my forehead
Nestles over my open eyes
Soothing me
Singing its own lullaby
A lullaby of childhood
Of happy times
Welcoming me
I push further back
And let the water 
Surge into my open mouth
Through my nostrils
I drink it in
A moment more….
And I’ll be soaring free

I cough out water
Gasping for breath
I hear noises
A young girl crying
“Mama, Mama….breathe!”
A man’s arms are around me
Holding me to the side
Patting me on the back
As I cough out more water…

Spent
I lie back
And look into the sun
Close my eyes
I open my mouth
And sing songs
Songs of my childhood
I hear the young girl cry
I hear the man sigh
I hear the people around whisper
“She’s gone mad”

I sing
I open my eyes to search the sky
For a lone bird
Flying high
Singing….singing
Ophelia’s songs
Till my day turns into night….

For Anne Currin's Suicide Contest
August 2, 2013


Details | Free verse | |

Come Morning Light

I stepped off the porch unsteady
A memory had crossed my mind again
And I began to unwind
Come morning light, I'll be gone

Its been six years now
And I still think of you
And what might have been
What should have been
And that which will never be
Come morning light, they'll be gone

Shaking, I slide down that wall as slowly
As the rivers flowing from my eyes
Six years now and without fail
Every year the sky weeps with me
Come morning light, it will be gone


I pound my fists into the wood
Tiny splinters in my skin
And in my heart
Not hard enough to break
But to rattle me to my bones
And maybe leave a few bruises
Come morning light, they'll be gone

What lies before my eyes?
Nothing but half mown yard
And a broken lawnmower
With a broken owner
With a broken heart
Left by a broken man
Come morning light, he was gone

And tomorrow will leave 
Me with lingering doubts
And guilt trips aplenty
Should I have stopped you
Could I have? Could we?
I ache to remember
Tremble trying to forget
And come morning light, you were gone

The shed door blows shut
And a howling wind takes over
I shiver and stand defeated
The echos of the past running through
My mind as it rewinds
Come morning light, it shall be gone

---------------
This is one of the very few that comes from my heart completely. 
The aftermath of a suicide from six years ago. It still hurts. 


Details | Free verse | |

Old Man Whither

Old man Whither…
The chair with a rickety rock…
He sits, swift with movement not…
He holds in hand, the trigger with a plot…
You hear the fancy clocks sound…
Tick Tock…
Tick Tock…
The movement grows closer…
Slowly seeking in…
The chime of the fancy clock…
Its Whither’s time to end…
The barrel is now perfect…
Aligned with his lonely chin…
Pull the sound slightly…
Pause…
Hesitant to snap the wind…
Whither kneels his head in shame…
“I cant do it!” he says, wanting to cower…
The blur is growing nearer, and closer…
Drowning down, dead as a nail…
Whither now, beginning to care…
“You know this place…”
Said the timid liquid in a dare…
Whither did not answer…
His reality, beginning to tare…
Soulless he sleeps…
Old Whither went forth…
Ventured on to a indescribable mention…
The white room was waiting…
The white room was bold…
Whither ...


Details | Free verse | |

GAME OVER

You can’t take it back
What you said….
What you wrote….
In a moment of anger
In a moment of haste
Your pent up emotions
Your seething frustration
Needing escape
Needing to hit the mark
To prove a point
Needing to win
This little game!

You did…
You proved your point
Satisfied?

Yes,
Your word darts hit the mark…
That Big RED center circle of my heart
In remorse...
You pull the dart back out
Hiding it behind your hand...
Apologies heard
Apologies accepted

But take a look at my heart
One more pockmark…
One more reason for me
To want to end...
This game called LIFE.

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide

       She grabbed my hand from behind
       And said, "Look up at the building;
       I'm thinking of jumping."
       I said, "Man, you should just take a shot;
       Don't you see the walls are crumbling?"
       She skipped right past the guard and left me wondering
       If it was all just in my head.

       Then she takes me side entrance to the roof
       and when I tell her she's cute she says,
       "I had a booy-friend.  Now take my hand."
       And I said no.
       "So ready or not here I go."
       I reach out my hand and ask, "What do you want?"
       "Just grow up you.  And wait."
       She takes off one shoe.
       Gets on the ledge.
       And jumped.


Details | Free verse | |

Alone in Darkness

I sit alone in darkness
Dripping blood
Like midnight rain
So dark I think 
This can’t be real
The prostitutes are shivering
Leaning on the bar
They look and turn away
I call their names out softly
But soon they turn to clay
My mind upon the bible
As my dreams begin to decay
In midnight dreams I am trapped
And you’re so far away
I grasp the cross upon my chest
And put it to my lips
A final kiss before I go
A wish upon your soul
Save me now
And I’ll be true
Please don’t damn my soul


Details | Free verse | |

she deserves love

Pain, anger, torture, she came from a broken family
And it eventually broke her sanity
She reacts to everything so angrily
But wants to be better and people call it vanity
She saw her mother getting beat down by her father
Her dad took advantage and abused her
No wonder she’s so lost and it all scarred her
No wonder any love or affection goes straight through her
She drowns her sorrow with a bottle of vodka
Thinks her body and sex is all she can offer
But now she’s pregnant with a baby
After being raped by a friend, and a doctor
She lost her will to live
A long time a go
Considering an abortion, but doesn’t want to kill her kid
People say she deserves it as she allows her thong line to show
But I don’t know how anyone can have the nerve to say that
They haven’t known her from way back
They just think she’s the new girl on the block
And everyone stays back
No one welcomes her or tries to get close
They just see she’s a young girl who’s pregnant
And call her a slut and hoe
Her pain and misery just won’t lessen
She doesn’t know where the hope is at
Friends just offer her cocaine and crack
Basically silently killing her
When they should be healing her
They should be doing all they can to help her
But they use her and put themselves first
The next time they go round they find her dead in the bath tub
This is just a story i made up based on real life
you never know what a person's been through or what they feel like
so make sure you get to know someone before you judge
I’m sorry i had to go so deep
But daily we see these things happen
Before you throw your judgment
Just know you could be responsible for another person’s actions 


Details | Free verse | |

Owl and Suicide-2

Owl  and  suicide 

A ripped-apart sliver of a day
Giving away the dreaded leeway
To do in a  teen  set to careen

A  cocky cocktail  of a commonplace pang,
An atavistic abandon, a moth-eaten
Rafter and a wrong rope .

 A screwed-up judgement. Sermon of end 
Wins over the stupidity of beginning
Against the shy remonstrance of life.

“O, this time it was for that boy, not me,
The sudden  owl- howl   at the dead of night”
The old man said in obvious relief.

*The  belief that the  hoot of an owl at the dead of night foretells a death in the vicinity was proved right when a teen aged boy in my place committed suicide following two nights in which an owl unusually cried.
S.Jagathsimhan Nair
Form: Freeverse
15 Mar 13


Details | Free verse | |

The Suicide

Manifestation
Like maple grass shoots
Like attack cobwebs
Like forlorn lovers
Like someone should be addressing the morbid
The end
The can't
The shouldn't
These things manifest in my hands
Like well fed baby dolls
Like those who can't get by
Like burgundy tears
Like purple lashes
That will all melt away soon too
Under moss engraved cobble stones
Like ear wigs in fresh bark
Like hard candy 
Like a digested apple skin
Like goodbye mama
Goodbye papa
Goodbye sister
Eternity to me is pomegranate juice
In the bathtub 
Like decapitated deer
Like road kill
Like the smell of burnt toast
Like frozen peas on a bone bruise
Manifesting into a heart
The heart 
Of her 
The girl saying goodbye mama
Goodbye papa 
Goodbye sister
Her kisses take the breeze
Like a leaf blower blowing leaves
Like smoke from a cigar
Like tea kettle steam
Like a house in fire
Eternity is a bath tub
A finger prick
One dead end click
Of a cell phone
A corse rope
A belt 
A necklace too tight
An anklet that doesn't fit right
A girl blowing kisses in the air saying
Goodbye mama 
Goodbye papa
Goodbye sister


Details | Free verse | |

The Wilted Flower

“The Wilted Flower”

I have a distant memory 
Which increasingly fades with time
Of a seemingly different life
when I was happy without strife
I smiled without guilt
I loved and accepted all
I did not care what others thought
Because I liked myself
But then I let the world in
My tragic and grievous mistake
If I could go back, I'd change my choice
And not succumb to their sweet, but poisonous words
They could not stand it
Seeing me so joyous
Didn't you know 
that love is dangerous?
Fearing the power that I contained through this beautiful feeling
They convinced me I would be better off if I fit in
They pointed out my flaws
Made me feel worthless
Broke me down beyond repair
Then rebuilt me in their image
Like a flower shielded from the sun, I began to wilt
I changed into a person I could no longer recognize
No longer the person I wanted to be, but the person others told me I should be
I became tired, dazed, drained, defeated
Lost in a hellish maze with no escape
I gave in
Did what they told me
Listened to them
Became a perfect copy
Now I am skinny
                and pretty
                       and
                            dead.

~Serena Mott


Details | Free verse | |

The Empty Room

She sits,
Silent as the wind.
She glances up at the clock.
Waiting,
Watching.
Her body flows
Like the waterfall 
Looming over her.
The letters on the 
Desk call to her.
Whispering sweet
Things about
Her soul.
The air blooms 
Through her lungs
And grows as she 
Sighs.
Her head is full.
Full of the sea.
Changing and 
Swirling like 
A torrent of 
Thoughts.
Her hands tremble
Like the windows
In a hurricane.
She is they
Mirror. Reflecting 
Back what every
Body wants to see.
She is one.
She is none.
She is heaven.
She is hell.


Details | Free verse | |

The Black Abyss

Sinking in deeper,
No way to escape,
The dark and scary Reaper,
Fore told in the Book of Life.

Is this my end?
Will I ever see the light of day again?
No. My wounds, I must mend.
I must find my strength.

Stand my ground,
Face my fears.
Only then will my voice be found
I must survive.

Break the suffocating chains,
Run from the darkness.
Power will fill my veins.
I will Fight!

Fight the painful names,
The horrid memories,
The demented games 
And escape My Black Abyss.


Details | Free verse | |

Beauty For Ashes

I used to feel like 
A ghost
Just floating through this life
Invisible to the world

Weighed down by the chains 
of sin and guilt
My shoulders bowed and my head hung low
I looked at You through eyes
of Disillusionment and shame

My heart yearned so much
To just let go 
And confide in someone 
To look at my reflection in a mirror
And not hate the person
Staring back at me

To show my scars
Where the pain of cutting
Was  the only way I could escape 
the heartache

And use them as a testimony of 
of how you gave me beauty for ashes


Details | Free verse | |

Walls

See I used to think that being alone was bad.
But then I met myself,
And I convinced myself that being alone was better.
That no one would want to talk to me.
So I spend all day in my room,
Even more making myself think that alone is good.
See I've convinced myself that my 
Walls, would rather see me dead.
Than see me happy.
And I hate these walls.
These walls in myself that hold me back,
And tell me i'm not good enough.
I hate them but,
I created them.
I built them up so they could tear me down.
I built these walls to protect me from bad things.
How can they protect me when I am those bad things.
How much more do I have to take before these walls
Start to work.
These walls are a part of me.
And their falling.
They crack a little more with every glance toward my way.
They crumble down with the words that are flung,
The words that bounce around in my head.
These walls are withering away.
One day they'll take me with them.
For I am the walls and the walls are me.
How can you protect you from yourself?
You can't 


Details | Free verse | |

THE PAIN OF LOVE

When I was young, 
love was breath
and heartbeat--
and fear of Mama,
offset by the comfort
of my lovely Nana.
And my father-- 
where was he?

Then I entered manhood-
fierce and stark, knowing
women before I knew them.
My lust for their bodies
kept my love at bay--
like a cowed dog it
whimpered, only
longing to be petted.

I was not kind but not
cruel, eagerly entering 
their bodies while ignoring,
nay, fearing their
loving souls.

Then one spring day
the hollow man I had 
become cracked open,
and my unknown,
unseen soul spilled
out into that river:
its dark fierce waters
of despair driving it
towards that ocean
of utter blackness.

Something saved me,
returned first my body,
then my mind to the
world, to this world.
The One I had forgotten,
ignored, showed mercy,
showed me my real being,
a soul without beginning,
without ending--truly
made in His image.  


Details | Free verse | |

Hello

Hello, are you there?
I cannot feel around myself
A warm tapestry birthing vague memories
Coalesce into form
My nostalgia's weight collapses on itself

Hello, are you awake?
Your formless name is on my tongue
Sneaking its path forward
Away from my mouth
I cannot bring myself to say it

Hello, are you watching?
As if I were a mist
My memory coils around you
Never to grace the skin
That I so covet

Hello, are you loving?
Cold spears of disregard
Pierce my tapestry that I so treasure
Tighter my hand grips the face
Weaker my hold fades

Hello, am I falling?
Existence is closing in
Its alien distance constricting
I see my body for the first time
Confounded that it could even be mine

Hello, am I scared?
A boiler in the mind
Breaks at the seems
Embrace the others around you
As I peel my skin

Hello, am I replaced?
I stalk my corridor
Pacing to reel in thoughts
I place the steel upon my skull
A bright flash and all is lost


I have a mouth
But cannot scream

Hello...
Hello...
Hello...


Details | Free verse | |

the 34 or more reasons i want a liscence to kill

i was arrested because my room mate wouldnt leave my condo
then i was arrested because my roomate wanted me to leave his apartment
cousin died after going to dentist
ive been held hostage
222 tips wouldnt take the information, the news wouldnt respond
ive had a gun pointed at me
i lived in an apartment where night after night doors were kicked in
through my relationships i know of 3 people who have been murdered
ive grown a lump on my forehead and jaw due to medication
i endured pain in my testicles for over 6 months, and no doctor would give me the 
treatment
in a hospital i was held down and injected a needle, to wake up 3 days later with 
nerve damage
father died in head on collision
my computer accounts have been hacked
ive been a victom of identity theft
rash for a year and no doctor could remedy it
molested as child
grandpas estate was a mess
abandoned by mother
hider in the attic who tore up my belongings
grandpa was in a coma
my grandma was quadrapalegic
police have ransacked my apartment
beaten by two cops
victom of drug ring
i have a sister and brother i dont know
ive moved at leat 20 times in the last 15 years
ive flatlined
been homeless four times
my first middle and last names are titles to songs
as is my birthday month and year, good movies too
ive been drugged
woken up with strange bruises
been plajerised
abandoned on the side of the road and strange towns
attempted suicide several times due to medication
know of paralegal and judge scams,
police loophole for the insiders of drug ring gangs
my grandfather was a war hero, on both sides of my family

i at the age of 31 years have yet to have the right to my own person
or live where i want

if the above doesnt sound like torture to you
you are the enemy, and wipe that smile off your face

ive predicted terrorist attack in my tourism class
tidal waves in the hospital
and like i said on youtube charlie, they don't see it coming
i predicted my grandpas coma
a girl with shingles that would live
i still wonder if the conversation i had with kurt cobaine through the television was 
real, but he did comit suicide a week or so after,
i know we as people like to sing and dance and compete as we play house
so what would you bring to a remote deserted island?

the list goes on.... im not even kidding


Details | Free verse | |

Society


They always say you can't be beautiful
Without being skinny as a stick
But damn it society I want to be seen and I want to be...
beautiful in my own way
Before the blood drips on the floor
from the scratches in my arm
from the pain inside my heart
don't you understand

You're making this too hard on us
us girls with a little extra weight
us girls with bumps on our face
just shut up I'm sick and tired of this
This shouldn't have to be my fate

I don't want to die to be seen and heard
to be recognized as someone beautiful...
But isn't that the only way?
When a society you thought you knew is telling you that you can't be beautiful
without having to fit some social standard
that's bull*****don't you understand
That's why so many teenagers are dying every day 

I want to be pretty 
without having to change
is that too much to ask

I want to be loved 
without having to change who I am! 
By a girl instead of a man
Let me live my own life
stop telling me that I can't! 

Society you're killing us all
making us take our life because you all can't understand
that being who you are is what makes you beautiful

But we have to take a knife to our throat
to make you all see
the beauty inside of us
Can't you let us be. 

I want to be beautiful...
but I just don't know how
when everyone around me 
is telling me how to live 

Make this stop
This pain and suffering

Let us all be equal
A whole 
No more hurt
no more sorrow
no more suicide

Just make it stop...


Details | Free verse | |

WHERE DO BIRDS GO WHEN THEY DIE

Matthew 10:29 
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? 
And not one of them will fall to the ground 
apart from your Father.


Trailing my fingers through the crystal water
Momentarily leaving a disturbance
Soon to return to a calm mirror

Believing a woman’s love to be brief
Driven mad by longing and grief

The light of Love envelopes me
Searching for my soul – hidden from others
It takes possession of my very being

Hidden agenda with another
I’m lost at sea without a rudder

As the sparrow had fallen from the sky
So my trust has been fatally wounded
In His all seeing eye all is laid bare

A watery grave leaving no trace
For eternal peace I now brace
 
Inspired by Fantasy Art, by Susan Seddon Boulet 

Image: http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/20100000/Art-by-Susan-Seddon-Boulet-fantasy-art-20102120-819-667.jpg

Also, the last image in the collection on the Ten Dreams Gallery II page: 
http://www.tendreams.org/boulet.htm


Details | Free verse | |

Tree

Sitting there, staring out the window, 
I notice the rain that follows the widow.
She starts walking inside the house, wearing that dreadful blouse.
I float downstairs and hear her cry,
“My love! My sweet love! Oh where have you gone? ”
I tap her shoulder, my hands going right through her.
“Forever I miss my dear.” I whisper.
The widow stood up and walked to the window, 
To see me, by the tree, that welcomed her to the sorrow.
I wave one last time
Now it’s time to bid one last goodbye.
I disappear and float away
“I’ll sit here in despair, ” she will say.
“And never forget the tree, that murdered my dearly beloved.”


Details | Free verse | |

A Disturbing Train Of Thought

The hypnotic thrum of the wheels
Drumming smoothly along the tracks
Inside the early morning hush
Broken by the rare stifled cough
The casual rustling of a newspaper
And the whisper of sporadic conversation.

A body slumped against the window
Business papers being scanned
Earpieces inviting oblivion to the outside world
Anxious glances thrown at watches.

The driver whistles quietly to himself
Glad that soon his shift will be over
Trees ,bushes,houses and bridges 
Slide past,silent observers of the passing scene.

What is that?He stiffens
The crucifixion shape on the parapet
The manual did spell out such eventualities.
Uselessly he slams on the brakes

He glimpses the inward looking eyes
The body glances off the windscreen
The brakes screech and squeal
And the acrid stench of burning flesh fills the air.


The sickening jolt throws 
Everyone awake.
Time grinds to a halt.


Details | Free verse | |

Desert Eagle Drive

357 Desert Eagle drive
Hollow point
A piece of the sky
Everything is Zen
Sequestered in hell
It’s the little things that kill
Stopping power
**** me
Cold against your temple
Hot in your hand
I need to comedown
IKEA and groceries
Feed the dogs
Worlds gone mad
Love and hate
I sleep all day
No one knows me
It all comes down to you
There is no blame


Details | Free verse | |

Losing Grip

Future held such initial promise
But shallow dreams disintegrated
Coalescing into shallower reality

Despite my youth, pain cripples me to geriatric apathy
General interest long gone, death has become the single concern
A welcome embrace, a welcome friend
Tardiness is expected, as well as encouraged

Release me from these eternally shrinking walls
Allow the peons to continue their superficial pursuits
Never meshing well into the fold, I yearn simply for permanent isolation
There is not enough joy to justify the agony that life forever guarantees me

Nihilism and anger, desires for maniacal retribution, the only feelings I've ever known
Clouded over now by perpetual physical torment, my formerly hollow shell continues to exist without capacity for optimism
Yet without hate, there seems nothing left
Shall I forever be adrift?


Details | Free verse | |

An Excuse for a Suicide

The blood that remembers
That of brother-to-brother or sister-to-sister 
The blood that holds a family together
The blood that brought us here from a far and distant land
The blood we share in toil and strife and in war and death
Who made this blood and why do we have so little of it?  
Shouldn’t we be able to farm it and grow it like tomatoes on the vine?
For it is our blood.  We own it.  Who can take it from us?
War, most certainly, but that blood is given for righteousness and should surely be returned post haste.
Can we cut ourselves like the Indians and become blood brothers? Does that strengthen our numbers?  Or is it just some silly myth or rite of life.  
I would like to think that blood would give strength but as it pours from my body I only feel weakness.
These two slits in my wrists are conduits to another world right?
They will make strong and give a warrior the strength to shoot the arrow straight and ride the pony hard.  
My giving is their strength.  It is a good day to die.  
I bleed myself slowly for I know that they will need the energy in increments.  My soul is that of a warrior and it can only strengthen their cause.
From Wounded Knee to DaNang the dead have given their souls so we could be free.
Why would I stop that tradition now? 


Details | Free verse | |

Have a nice life

Devouring, destroying, decaying. For your eyes only.
Inside, interiors, innermost. Then reflects on the outside.
Eaten, eager, eroding. Tap it, let it pour.
Disdain, disease, departure. 'Twas been driving you.

...reconciliation, with what is left.

...acceptance, what it offers.

...accord, to what you have become.

Peace, in the soft embrace of oblivion brought through demise.


Details | Free verse | |

Overwhelmed

My eyes were overwhelmed
By the beauty of her face
How her hair shone in its bob cut
Not a strand was out of place

And when I walked beside her 
I felt privileged to be there
I’d have walked a thousand miles 
My time with her to share

Yet when she looked into the mirror
A different picture met her eyes
She could see just fat and ugly
And what she called thunder thighs

If I lived another lifetime
Trying to convince her of her mistake
It would have made no difference
She would still be in the lake

Don’t let your mind deceive you
Or others who would tease
You are how you were meant to be
And you have no one to appease 




Details | Free verse | |

Storm Comes Storm Goes

Windows clashing
As the storms passing
Watch the clouds as they go a stray
A big ball of light
Oh what a fright
From the windows stay away
Rain drops on my window make a figurine
Look at them glistening
As the clouds throw one more strike
Out of my home goes the light
Back on they come on
Now the storm is gone


Details | Free verse | |

Why Am I Sad

 Why am i sad?
Why am i sad when i should be happy, when the sky is full and the sun is shining and the birds are singing, why am i sad?
Why am i afraid when the sun goes down and the sky fills up with darkness and it feels like i’m suffocating and choking on my own words and silent screams of help.
Why am i sad when i have the person of my dreams right next to me, telling me they love me, telling me they want to be my world,
Why am i drowning in tears, afraid of my fears coming to life, being choked by every little demon that has burrowed a nest in my head.
Why am i sad when it should be the best day of my life, when i’m moving on with the people i need right next to me.
Why am i so sad that the voices are telling me to swallow more pills and things are telling me to open up the veins under my skin, letting the stench of death fill the room as i fall to sleep.
Why am i sad when life is perfect and everything is going right for once, why am i sad?
You see, sadness is an emotion,
an emotion that fills you up and puts you to the point you sometimes want to give up the fight, 
an emotion that takes away your light and your breath so you only see the darkness,
so you only hear the voices calling to you to just jump, to just cut, to just swallow the rest of the sleeping pills. 
an emotion that makes someone count 5 reasons to stay but 10 reasons to leave,
because sadness is a bully,
a bully that never gives up the fight, that doesn’t give up til you give up and you’re laying 6 feet under.
Sadness is a monster that is out for revenge, to taste the sweet blood, to feel the coldness still of your body.
Sadness is my worst enemy, but also my best friend.


Details | Free verse | |

Blood Stained Mirror

Many years of isolation from this cruel world. Locked up in this room of empty frames and thorns.
Fragments, nothing more but mere pieces of memories Stained by my crimson tears of eternal solitude.
Scarred by pain, living in sorrow. My soul all but broken. With no hope of being healed, I ask “am I truly cursed?”
Clinging to this mockery of life With nothing but a single rose in hand. Wishing for all this to end and peace be in my hands at last.
*dedicated to the victims of bullying and those who committed suicide because of it.


Details | Free verse | |

Lost Moments

What pleasure of
revenge
Can the blades slide
on the skin
Satisfactions of a
death's embrace
Ecstasy of life long
race
Ending a cosmic joke

What pleasure of the
choice
Chem-trail race in
the vein
Float yourself into
numbness
Worn lines of
struggles
Map across your face

What pleasure of
faith lost
Can you carry on the
day
Broken mirrors line
your halls
Smiling friends are
all but ghosts
No way to move on

What pleasure of the
moment
Feeling the pitch
and tempo
Primitive mechanical
dances
Give a sweet relief
But moments are all
lost

What pleasure of the
death
Feeling the pitch
and tempo
Waiting for the
pulse to give out
To give a sweet
relief
But moments are all
lost


Details | Free verse | |

Silent Killer -A Poem about Depression-

This is the story
Of the silent killer
It makes you feel 
Like a pointless knife
A fruitless flower
Or a wingless bee
It forces the tears
From your eyes
As you cry
It becomes a way of life

There's that blade
That you want to hold
You want to cut and
Make a wound
The pain is sweet
And as you bleed
You internally scream
And shout
For another way out

And think about your brain
It's tired of all the pills
Tired of all the pain
And sickness you blame
Yourself for it
But it's just a disease
And you wouldn't believe
Anyone that told you that
You'll be okay


Details | Free verse | |

Blood flows like Champaign on a Wedding Day

The poetry I write seems harsh
it seems sad and powerful,
sings songs and pslams to the sorrowful soul,
sung its song in the past of sorrow in all.

The poet's blood flows like champaign
on a wedding day of young couples in love.
Champaign that flows like rivers and streams
in the green plains of Mid West America,
and the poet writes about the land and the bird
that sings afar in a tall, old oak tree
thick at barch with experience and age.

The soul burns and cries out to be freed,
yet sits and reads poetry till the crack of dawn
in an old apartment house on the second floor,
and the rats run along the walls, and the cockroaches
in cerial boxes,
with shotgun in lape and cocked, ready to fire,
one in the chamber.
Whiskey in the lungs,
and whiskey on the ground,
in the hand
and upon the feet
of a sorrowful soul, filled with pain
and age, age full of tender love that never was discovered
by any naive soul.

One time the clock ticks and tocks,
echoes rings in an empty mind,
that echoes the sorrowed mind and tortures the pale soul.
One pull of the trigger,
and the sound of an explosion of faint silence
and a smile on a face of a dead man is shown in the light,
and watch the blood flow on the white pannel wall,
flowing like champaign on a beautiful wedding day.

Two weddings and a funeral...

-11-1-2013-


Details | Free verse | |

Oh Well, Oh Well

I’m tired in this drop
The walls are all the same
I’m soaked now

In the midst of deteriorating
It hurts more than normal
I think it’s broken

The light up top is gone now
Just like the one down here
Oh well…  oh well.

The love inside the teardrops
Has turned to the coldest rain
Now there’s just the pain

It’s settled in my chest
Eating at my insides
Feeding at the dead lives

The end will not come quickly 
Not even quietly
For now, I just sigh at thee


Details | Free verse | |

Solitary Darkness

Here I sit in the cold darkness, alone
All I ever wanted is for someone to care
But compassion for me, no one has shown
Everyone else is happy, this isn't fair

Cast out by the group, denied and ignored
Tired of trying to find a solution
No option of mine mine are left unexplored 
Hope tainted, like a lake afflicted by polution

Why be in a place where I’m not accepted?
Forced to watch with a green chip on my shoulder
Condemned to always be forgotten and rejected
From jealousy and envy my soul begins to smolder

There is only one place I belong
Prepare your mind to be blown
Or perhaps you knew all along
Here in the darkness I shall sit forever alone


Details | Free verse | |

Mercury

My mind is dirt and this soil my curse
The seeds you plant in this heat make me worse
I just get so nervous, like I should believe
So perhaps I am wicked and not meant to be

And the steam that is rising
Intoxicates quickly
I have grown pale and swollen and sickly

Crocodile, crocodile, dry off your eyes
And take back your sorrowful, meaningless lies
I dream of your lovers, I wish for their deaths
Inside plastic bags, I will keep their last breaths
And with confined sighs, go north for a rest

I will leave with my murders and nothing will matter
Hot into cold, my love it will shatter

Beneath a deep snow, I will hibernate sweetly
And sleep off this hatred that binds me completely
I’ll pluck all my hairs, I’ll spin them for thread
To sew up the gashes I’ve put in your bed
And with mattress mended, go sleep with the dead

And the water that drips
Is forming a knife
My cheeks will be rosy devoid of past strife

My thoughts will be still when the earth has gone hard
The roots of your anger will leave my heart scarred
I just get so anxious, with all I believe
So perhaps I am wicked and not meant to be


Details | Free verse | |

Summer School

One year I went to a summer school. 
And there was a girl there 
With shining eyes and
An award winning smile. 
She was kind to everyone and 
Excluded no one. 
She always laughed with others
But you could go to her when you 
needed it.
We talked for hours and
Quickly became friends. 

Last year I went back to summer school. 
The girl was still there. 
She had sad eyes but
Kept the award winning smile. 
She was kind to everyone yet
Excluded herself. 
She never laughed properly 
But you could always go to her 
when you needed it. 
We talked for mere minutes and
I guess I lost a friend. 

This year when I went to summer 
school
The girl was no longer there.
Rumours of suicide surrounded
Her name
And no one was kind to us all.
Everyone excluded their-selves.
Silence consumed every thought and moment
Because no one was there when we 
truly needed it. 
Memories of talking haunted me and
I couldn't help but miss my friend.


Details | Free verse | |

The Razor

The razor has left you with scars that remind you
Of how you had wanted to end in the bathroom
And now they talk softly and tiptoe around you
So you won’t be tempted again by the past gloom


Details | Free verse | |

Why Not

I sit still, blankly looking into the screen
Forever crippled by the TV

Imagination, killed by people
the lovers, the followers, the religion

Suicide is a game
and its hunting season

So, I say "**** it"
Why not?


Details | Free verse | |

Shade of pink

The flowers are some shade of pink, 
I couldn't really grasp the exact color because I was in a rush to get them to you,
I didn't want that color,
I wanted the color blue,
Because I really don’t love you,
Like that, 
I see you as a person I can talk to you,
Not a person that I can lay next to,
I want to break up with you,
I don’t have the courage to so,That’s why now,
I’m sitting next to you and your pink flowers,
Wishing that I have powers, 
To change myself to someone that is not a coward.


Details | Free verse | |

Aren't You Happy Now

I have no life 
Wish I had a knife

You filthy bastard you 
Don't be a coward, there's something new

You ugly little whore
Just an eye sore 

You poor little baby, you poor little thing
You deserve pain, you deserve the sweet sting 

Do us a favor and kill yourself now
Do us a solid, make yourself proud

You've cut to deep
Now there's no going back

I'm going to sleep
And I'm not coming back

Now everyone's happy. Aren't they?


Details | Free verse | |

The Path To Peace

Once upon a nightmare
 Lived a child, born so still
 A hopeless life bestowed
 To a conscience lacking will
 Nowhere, was innocence
 The girl discovered sin
 Concerned of nothing now
 Unaware of storms within
 And so the mourning came
 Gloomy farewell to dreams
 Numbness somehow aching
 Though useless, began her screams
 Post-mortem existence
 Enslaved by every thought 
 Years spent self-destructing
 Finding silence with a shot


Details | Free verse | |

Investigating Jack the Ripper - The Bait

He cuts throats too, my dear friend Ramsay!
How can I sing myself to comfort,
Sing wonderfully, as my father brags,
With a cut throat!?
Perhaps the draining of my fluids shall be our killer's lullaby,
As he sleeps soundly with the soothing flow
Of my newly dead blood!

With an uncertain sigh,
I now stand alone, quaking!
Cruel thought imagining despairing fate
How could Ramsay have so much faith in a cowardly girl
When faith is simply what she lacks? 
She is out to find an evil one unseen,
A twisted fiend that can be he that passes—or he!
Where shall she go from here?
Surely she cannot stand in this spot forever;
The rain has already chilled the coward to the bone,
When all she has on for warmth, the foolish child,
Is a thin old sweater?
But, ah, her bone is to be chilled once more,
And the weather, I'm afraid, will not be the cause. . .

-this is a dark soliloquy of a character in an unfinished play about Jack I wrote... maybe a couple years ago? I gottah put a date on these things! Haha-


Details | Free verse | |

Still Here, Still Alive

If I weren’t alive,
I guess I’d be dead.
I’d be a soul, 
Floating around the universe. 
There’d be no sound,
Just my thoughts to keep me company.
All the sweet silence,
And nothing but calm all around.

If I weren’t alive,
I would miss my family,
But I’d still visit them.
I’d know they were okay,
Because I’d be the one to protect them.

If I weren’t alive,
But only just a soul,
I might get lonely.
I might miss your face,
And I’d miss the love that your arms hold,
When they’re holding me.

If I weren’t alive,
And only a soul,
I don’t think I’d be as happy,
As I am down here on earth.
I think I’m glad that I’m still alive.


Details | Free verse | |

It's Not Your Fault

The thing about life
is that
it can end in an instant

When the rope of the
harsh words
wraps tightly around your 

Neck squeezing tighter
and tighter
you just want to jump

To end it all to end all
the pain
and the hatred and words

It is not only the words
that push
you over the edge

It is too the fists and
the feet 
that slam into you

Over and over
without
a break with out letting up 

Making you break down and slide down
the wall
and cry and cry and cry

One phone call can 
save a
live, stopping that jump

Stopping the self hate
and
spreading the love

The love i have for 
you will 
never fade or die and i hope

will make you better
to sleep
and to be able to be 

Happy again to 
be happy
forever and always with me

just remember and know
that it's
NOT YOUR FAULT


Details | Free verse | |

scarlet tears

i. there is a drop of scarlet in the glass of vicissitudes–– 

a taint of shadows in a fluorescent
room. its shape baring teeth
at the reflection in my mind.

“a false portrayal of self-actuality”, concludes the
shrinking voice of a certified delusionist. she says that
my bones are brittle and my skin is worn
but no– that, no,
that is not me

my entity is solely defined by my
despondent thoughts
and my cracking fragility
interlaced with
streaks of red and
black and
blue

blue like the broken veins that
engrave my skin in a constant
reminder of who i am and
who i will never be

 ii. two drops now 

i will never be the smile on
her face in the waters or the
laughter from her imperfections splayed out against a white wall or the
solid self-assurance of a growing leader. and
i will never be the consummate words
that grace a meal with gratitude at the end of the
day (thank you lord)

thank you to this body that has
tried its best and to this mind
that bleeds in the grasp of its masochistic owner
thank you for the strangled lips that have
spoken my lies and to these eyes
that have seen the world in
delusory in all its grandeur.

iii. the imminent red flows in an addled solution of
thick and thin, its path changing so
fluidly

fluid like the love in my heart that
cowers from myself yet peels its
flesh for everyone else;
as solid as the robust
affirmation vibrating through my bones
that cries in joy at its sublimity

and in my head i hear the people ask,
“why cant you just learn to love yourself?”

oh– but dont you understand?
i do. i do love myself.

i love the way my eyes shine
with tears and how my teeth glow
from soundless words that emerge from
the gaps of tenebrosity and
the way my heart sighs contentedly
in its barren aspiration

i love the way i
have run out of tears
and words to define this
agony, silence screams
betraying me and endorphins refusing
its exoneration

and since i cannot do all this,
i let myself replace letting salt out from my sore eyes
with the release of iron from my scarred wrists

iv. and in my hand the glass shatters
and a sea of scarlet deluge my ipseity in a boundless suffocation


Details | Free verse | |

THE LAST SUICIDE

THE LAST SUICIDE.

It starts with a thought,
An overflow of negative push,
Beclouding our sense of right,
Tempting to replace  the love for life with a dark wish.

A route familiar to the weak and  the brave alike, 
A wilderness of despair,
A battlefield where night and day struggle,
A vineyard of thorns and anger.

It starts with an innermost dark desire,
An unending will to make a quick exit,
From a world that muddles our sense of existence,
To a place of perceived peace and quiet.

It also starts with a deeper thought,
The will to think a thoughtful thought,
The believe for a second shot at life,
The hunch to desire here than there.

What of our loved ones,
What of our friends,
What of the promises that we behold,
What of the seeds that tomorrow hold.

Afterall the rose and its thorn stay close,
Night always gives way to day,
Seasons last awhile only,
The troubles that life brings never stay forever.

Take hold of your thought,
Let in the sunlight when darkness closes the shutters,
Take pleasure in the dreams of tomorrow,
Seek a room with a better view on life.


Details | Free verse | |

Fade Away

There’s a weight on my chest that won’t go away
A stinging in my eyes, but it’s not the rain
Scars on my arm that take forever to fade away
Drowning out the world because participation leads to pain

Hearing the whispers when you’re alone
“Nobody cares about you… Just kill yourself already”
The darkness creeps up ever so slowly
The weight just gets more heavy
Wanting to find ways to numb the pain
and make the world go away for a day
Nobody notices when you start to cry
You become invisible, but its not that you’re shy
Why open up when the world wants you to die?
You’re too much of a burden to ask for help
Even if you had a rope to your throat and
try to see if you can fly

Dipping your pillows into the ocean
The only comfort you have is that other people wouldn’t be bothered by your death
You become two different people
The one you were whispers for help, with tears in your eyes
While the one you became shouts “I’m fine” and smiles, refusing to let the other you 
reach out for help, before you decide to take your life
The one you became smothers you, refusing to talk to anyone
You fall deeper into yourself
Until you fade away completely


Details | Free verse | |

Dealing With Depression and Self Harm

Hey guys this isn't a poem it's more like me telling you all about myself and my life.
As you all may know from the content of my poems that I suffer from mild to severe depression. I've been depressed for a little bit over a year but it's only now      that it's really starting to set it's roots and kick in full effect. It used to just creep up on me one day I'd be happy, smiling and laughing then the next day I wouldn't want to get out of bed I'd suddenly become sad for no apparent reason at all. It would so bad to the point that I'd get excruciatingly painful migraine headaches daily during which any kind of light made my eyes hurt. If I tried to get up and walk I'd get dizzy and lose my balance there were times where I couldn't see, I couldn't eat. I was also very self conscious about my body image and weight and still am. I used to weigh 105 pounds and my doctor would tell me that I have a high metabolism and I'd hate myself for that no matter what I tried to do I couldn't gain weight. That alone would be enough to send me into a downward spiral of depression I'd try out for the football team at my school and I'd get rejected because I didn't meet the weight requirements and that would make me even more sad. Ok moving on I now weigh 120 pounds I'm still not happy with it but I accept it for now. Nowadays I get so depressed over anything literally will trigger me. I'd worry about things and then I'd obsess over it. Recently there have been times I'd obsess over things to the point that I'd get suicidal. Just recently last night me and my girlfriend had a fight and almost broke up I got so depressed about it that I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd do without her and I got extremely suicidal I did something that I hadn't done for almost a month. I self harmed. Speaking of self harm when I first started doing it I'd cut my wrists almost every night it got so bad that at the end of that first month my wrists and forearms were covered in scars. Through the times when I was extremely suicidal I did everything I could to kill myself I hung myself from the ceiling fan, I've tried to drown myself, I've slit my wrists, I've overdosed, once I've even attempted suicide at school in the restroom. Over the past months I've tried to be strong, I've tried to set a good example for my little brother and sisters, I've tried so hard but on the inside I'm just really sensitive and weak. I've just recently started thinking about reaching out for professional help.


Details | Free verse | |

I'm Here

I'm here.
Right where i belong.
The emergency room.
Here they can save my life.
Stop the blades slicing.
Steel blood dripping.
Stitch my wrists even.
Give me heavy drugs so I can forget I did it at all.

Cranberry juice or apple?
There goes a wife with a slice of chocolate cheesecake for her "incarcerated" husband.
Lots of warm wishes abound.
I have no wishes.
No cheesecake.
No stitches.
Caught in the nick of time.
For they would have had me downstairs, face and fingernails blue.
A grayish pallor, icy and covered by a sheet.

I was Just About There.

No one knows how close.


Details | Free verse | |

when i am no more

An empty space in the dining table 
A vacant space in the car for four
My room vacant without an owner
My pets masterless
But still my dreams and a handful of aspirations
remains trapped in the gap
between the living and the eternal
If only i was lent a patient ear
If they hadn't forced me to push further in the world of competition
Maybe i would have been spared


Details | Free verse | |

Two Fronts

Two torn halves a battling,

Cannon shots be heard,

For war rages on forward,

Day and night, no respite to be found,

Hands betraying, a gun no longer safe in hand,

Fear that claws at the weary soldier,

Before he takes a life,

He prays with tears and begs for love,

The shot he does fire,

So it is the last,

For the war has now ceased,

No side a winner,

Silence be heard,

For no other ever witnessed this war.


Details | Free verse | |

Last Prayer

Last Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
Medication Russian Roulette
Praying to the lord my soul he shall keep
Please God don’t let me awake
I yearn to embark on this slumber
A slumber which knows no end
Closing my eyes; never to open again
The one thing I ask dear Lord
May my loved ones never weep
For embarking on my eternal sleep

By: Tim Lundmark


Details | Free verse | |

Philosopher's Elegy

Prof. Twittie died from an
experiment; like and unlike Socrates, he intentionally
took hemlock, to see how the afterlife looks like

He intended to return
to the physical world after his
observations, which he didn't

For a century now, no one following
Prof. Twittie’s school of thought
has yet dared to take poison,
in order to return with Prof. Twittie
back to the physical world,
and finally conclude their findings
in pen and print


Details | Free verse | |

Restless nights, my whole day complete

"good nights" for me are restless,

for i am fully awake at nights.

mornings makes my day useless

for my clock says it dawn or darkness.



venturing darkness for amusements,

suck blood that flows in veins is less,

conceive relationship with forceless,

my complete day is what it makes.


Details | Free verse | |

Lost Brother Loved

A warm breeze blew into heaven today;
Emanating from the gentle, peaceful smile of
My brother.

Kindness, compassion and love were his way;
A natural flow of self-sacrifice and concern,
Not for himself but another.

Windstorm’s blur and earthquake’s erupt
Floods wash away, leaving empty lives.
He could not understand how a God could let this be; 

So, he inflicted on himself what he thought was sure to come
Proactive and confused just a lost man who
Who was not himself for a brief, 

Tragic moment.


Details | Free verse | |

Finally They Notice

Death’s waves pushed me 
Further and further to
The bottom of the black ocean.

Stopping sound and breath,
But allowing the tears that
Stained my face; and
The blood that stained 
My forearms.

And everyone else stood
Above me and watched
They watched as I sunk 
All the way to the bottom

But it was only until
I reached the bottom
Of Death’s ocean did
Everyone scream, and cry, and curse
Because only then did they realise
Just how close I was.


Details | Free verse | |

Immortality

We ascribe to a notion of perptual misfortune.

Columns march toward a gentle flicker; ceasless, what blank rest.

Thereby, idle perpetuation into all ardent loss.


Details | Free verse | |

pain

Deep inside my heart is raw,
I take this knife and I will draw,
My pain I will suffer.
my scares they won't Fade.
Oh silly me what more could I do.
To get my mind off of you?


Details | Free verse | |

I just wanted to drive you home

I found you at the edge of nowhere,
tearing veins from the mouth of 
winter’s silence
with someone else’s sadness
in your eyes;
You were alive in it’s last moments. 
Snowflakes followed your stare,
awash in the cure.
-James Kelley 2013, All rights reserved.


Details | Free verse | |

Sanity

There's always that one kid in 
class.
Laughing and waving his arms, 
"You took my pencil I'm going 
to kill myself"
His mocking echo's around the 
room. 
Little does he know the quiet 
kid in the back,
Is thinking the same thing.
The kid is whispering all the 
evil things,
That he hates about himself.
Every time his whispers hit his 
skin,
They cut deeper than the razor 
in his pocket.
All he wants is for someone to 
look at him and say,
"Every things going to be okay"
Even when he knows it not.
He wants some one to notice.
How he never smiles or talks,
Or maybe ask "Why don't you 
have any friends?"
"Want to be mine?"
But all he has is heads turned 
away and that kid in class who 
lost his pencil.
That kid may have lost his 
pencil,
But slowly the kid in the back.
Is losing his sanity.
Bit by bit, word by word, 
glance by glance.
It's slipping from his grasp and 
it's not as easy to get back,
As a pencil.
Head down, eyes closed.
When the pain rips through his 
veins and bubbles out through 
kisses from a razor,
He will have his sanity.


Details | Free verse | |

Your Own Suicide Part 2 of 2

(Gen. 2:7/Jer. 10: 23/ Matt. 4: 4/Isa. 45: 22/John 3: 16/Heb. 4: 12, 13/ 2 Tim. 3: 16, 17)




(Part  2  of  2)




If You Were Buried Alive Beneath Boulders & Rubble
With Dust & Death Pressing In Every Layer
and With Just One Last Communication
Would You Still Ridicule Your Only Savior?

Are You Satisfied With Limited Years of Life?
Would You Expose Yourself To Some Fatal Disease?
And Would You Be Too Proud & Angry To Say ...
"May I Have More Life To Live, Please?"

If You Were Walking Upon A Shortcut Road
That Ended Over The Edge of A Cliff
Would You Stubbornly Continue On It
Just 'Cause Someone Came Along & Gave You A Lift?

If Given A Choice In Choosing Directions
While You Were Trapped In A Pretty Hedge Maze
And A Hungry Lion Was On The Rampage
Would You Just Stay There, Nonchalant & Dazed?

Don't You Want To Know: Is Anybody Out There?
and What Is The Mystery of Existence?
And If Your Life Depended On Your Answer ...
Would It Cost Your Last Minute ... This Instance?

Would You Jump Off A 90-Feet Story Building?
Would You Run Into - 200 Miles Per Hour Traffic?
Would You Challenge A Nuclear Bomb To A Duel?
Would You Drug-Up & Overdose Like An Addict?
 
Would You Throw Away All Ties To Life?
Would You Ignore GOD & HIS Book of Advice?
and HIS Own Beloved Son's Sacrifice?
Don't You Care Who's  JEHOVAH  &  Jesus Christ?

And If Its Not That Big A Deal For You To Decide
Of Who's Your Enemy & Who's On Your Side?
& You Just Give Up Because You're Tired & You Tried
& You Cuss Heaven & Carry On That Way, 'Til You Have Died


Well, You've Just Committed Your Own Suicide . . .



   Written & Copyrighted ©:  9/18/2013 
    by:  MoonBee Canady


Details | Free verse | |

Yesterday

A young girl sobs for all she's lost.
She's not who she used to be.
The blade is her release.
Her heart shattered to pieces. 
She wonders why me?
She hesitates.  
Her fears overpower her,
pulling her further from humanity. 
Her tears flow. 
She cuts deep.
She's hopeless, she's already given up.
Darkness once her best friend, 
has become her greatest enemy. 
Crimson flows.
She's done. 
She's lost her way, 
traveled to far and can't find her way out. 
She's doomed. 
She's.... going to be Yesterdays news.


Details | Free verse | |

The Never Ending Night

The Never Ending Night

There is a place we go
Where we cannot find light
Our eyes adjusted
To our own twisted Plight
We hide in places
Live with fright
Within this never-ending night
We roam
We seek
In search of light
Mind to fucked to speak
Within his never-ending night
We reach our hands up high
Seeking comfort from imaginary hands
We find nothing
Only the pain
Which never went away
No end in sight
Within this never-ending night
Scream all you want
No one will hear
Reality is no one is there
I seek
Until my knees are weak
Reality setting in
I have traveled nowhere
Trapped within
My suffocating box
I am in this never-ending night
A feeble prayer
To a God who was never there
The time has come
Within this box
My mind rots
No air
No light
No hope
Only madness
Brought on from my never-ending night
My cold dark stare
Nothing is something
Better
Than living in my never-ending night
In my hands
I hold the key
My only freedom
Only escape
From my never-ending night
One blissful pull
I enter into the light


By: Tim Lundmark


Details | Free verse | |

Around The Corner

I stand with my back pressed to the wall
Arms out preventing that fall
Whilst pale fingers spider towards the corner
As inner thoughts crash tackle my hold on the brittle mortar
Winds rush by to coax me closer
To a world that is loved, yet I’m only lonelier
Confined to that ledge, is it safe to say - What’s around the corner?
Head spinning I lean against my pharma fug
Knowing salvation is around the corner?
I press on through inky blackness, never looking back
Palms smearing a sweating drunkenness
Where fingers slide to a free-wheeling halt 
The wind betraying the corner is here

She whispers “come fly with me”…

My moment of truth, blurred by tears
As I melancholy through the air
Free as a bird 
That never had wings
It was always there
Just around that corner
Freedom


13 Oct. 2014


Details | Free verse | |

SUICIDE

wish for death
wait for excuses
there is only one way
hating life
loving pain
dreaming
hoping
I am insane
life means nothing
ashes of fire
thrill of drugs
take me higher
your heart says live 
your mind says die
I need drugs
I want a good high
suicide is the way
overdose
snort it fast
I want a high
that is going to last
as I lay here slipping away
now I know
suicide is the way


Details | Free verse | |

Drowning

DROWNING

The 4th of July.
A reluctant trip.
A promise  to keep.
Wife and kids on the shore.
I swim on a troubled soul.
"What if I just let go?"
"What if I slip beneath the waves?"  
On I swim until I know
I am beyond my mortal soul.
Waves wash over me. 
It is time to go.
Losing my hold I let go.
"Wait! I don't want to die."
This fatal swim is my folly.
An attempt to heal my temporal soul.
I swim for shore wasting fast.
I don't  know if my strength will last.
I reach for the ground beneath
but slip instead farther into the deep.
Gasping, I return in to the sultry air.
weaker now than before
choking on  the pleasant waters.
I hear myself pray, 
"Let me live another day."
Life is better with all of its ills
than to lie beneath the windy waves.
I fight the waves with desperate hope .
I fight to survive.
The gentle waves are no longer so
but towering mountains stealing breath.
I am drowning.
I fight to swim.
I fight to live.
Choking.
Gasping.
"O God help me!"
Suddenly I am a religious man
praying as hard as I can.
I search for the ground but sink again
into the murky deep.
My eyes are wide in terror
like some frightened horse.
Falling faster ever faster
to a watery tomb.
With one last gasp and a frantic stroke
I inch closer to the shore.
I am finished.
I can't go on.
I let go.
My feet touch the ground
my head above the waves.
"What? I'm alive!" 
Grateful I swim to the shore
where ignorant of my fight
my wife and children enjoy the day.
I fall down upon dry ground crying tears of relief.
In that moment of greatest joy
with my battle fresh inside.
I look at my wife
who calmly sighs,
"What kind of sandwich do you want?"


Details | Free verse | |

Too slow

A walking static that I am.
The outside meets the inside,
a reflection.

To be without being,
to stay without staying,
to exist, without existing.

Buried above the ground.
Solace found in solitude.


Details | Free verse | |

Why

She sits there
Trying not to cry
Thinking of the ways
She could die
And just wondering
A simple question, why
Why couldnt she just go
And lie
In her grave
Without people wonderin why
Whyd she do it
Whyd she lie
Why didn't she say
She was goin to die
And why'd she do it
Why didn't she cry
Did she not believe
We would try
To stop it all
To erase the goodbye
And begin again
With just hi
To make it simple
Or did she think we would lie
To her face
And turn around to say she was high
That it couldn't be true
That its all a lie
Because that place seem so great from the outside
Or would they believe and see their lie
But then they'd know
Why she cried
Which means she'd have
To say goodbye.


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide

Wet hair clings to his forehead, and his eyes are clenched shut.
He’s colder than he’s ever been before, but his hands remain still.
His soul is slowly slipping away, and he braces for oblivion.

The earth beneath him is soft, and the sky above him is black.
Lifeblood is staining the grass, but his calamity is almost complete.
His heart is barren, and his mind is blank.

They say you can’t take anything with you, and he finally knows what they mean.
The rain is refreshing, and his cheeks are pale.
He gasps his last wretched breath, and he prays there is no God.


Epitaph, my ebook:
http://www.amazon.com/Epitaph-ebook/dp/B00CCFQ9XS/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_t_2_TBDR


Details | Free verse | |

Fin

She turns up the music to hide the sobs
Blade meets wrist for a final encounter
Red tears come streaming, staining the ground as they fall
Silence encompasses the room despite all of the noise


Details | Free verse | |

Better Without

Better Without
 
I try so hard 
Not to become my fathers son
I try so hard
To be a father sculpted by Michelangelo
Painted by da Vinci
Faced with failure
Endless denial
Self deception  
To deny the truth
I am a father designed by an earless madman
I question are they better without

Trapped in a Divine Comedy
Inferno is Alpha and Omega
I wish there was a cure
Sadness filled with madness
Meds cannot take away
A brain still in pain
How do you apologize
  When the illness lets them down
The more I write
The clearer it becomes
They may be better without

They love the mania
Hate the downs
Flick the switch
From mania to a ditch
Turning from this to that
They never know which dad I’ll be
Denying them the comfort of stability
Please don’t let them be better without

What am I then?
A cancer to my family
They know I am sick
They know daddy isn't the same
Wishing he was someone else
Transparent they see what’s inside
They hate my illness
Hating myself
That shame and stain forever remains 
They now question are they better without

Face-to-face with this question
Like a coward I hide
In denial 
My blanket of lies
I am their painting of a father
A father my son doesn't want to become
The question has been answered
They are better without
  

By: Tim Lundmark


Details | Free verse | |

Final Moment

I lay to rest as I know this is my final moment
I quickly find my blade 
I hope this time I will cut deep enough
Deep enough to end my life
As I think of this cut as another to heal the wound of love
Another broken heart ready for the pain to be released
So as I lay to rest I know this is my final moment


Details | Free verse | |

Words

To many people this paper means hardly anything
And the ink used to write this means almost nothing
Yet the words and what they represent, what they hold
The power of these ideas and feelings; something to behold

However a cruel fate has been bestowed upon me
My words go unnoticed when that's all they're meant to be
If people don't listen, then my words barely mean something
My ideas, my feelings don't exist and I mean nothing

This is the harsh reality I must accept.
In the end I remain silent, unheard- no hope
Who I really am, a secret forced to be kept
Perhaps I will finally be heard with the help of a rope.


Details | Free verse | |

Over the edge

Leaning over the edge
That’s what we were doing
Just leaning over the edge to hope to dip our toes in water that we prayed was not too deep to touch
But why would it matter if we could not touch?
Would we sink? Would it matter if we did?
We could sink because who were we anyway,
Just the town drunk, and his mistress of a house maid?
Could we really ever leave this town, and make a new
Life, reputation, future, goals.
Could we ever amount to more than the worth of the dirt on the roads that we were walking?
If we jumped we could sink,
But if we never jump-
How will we know what’s at the bottom?


Details | Free verse | |

nothing new

Monday: Nothings new with me today, I go to school
alone and afraid  I see your happiness and I am safe 
I go home sit alone in my lonely room crying myself to sleep knowing I mess everything up.

Tuesday: Nothings new today except I faked my sickness to cry in my room
instead of seeing you, Cause i know no one cares then I paint a picture on my wrist saying 'i will leave this world alone'.

Wednesday: Nothings new today went to school and cried in the hall nothings new with me today I'm alright and that's all you know.

Thursday: Nothings new today I went to school and saw your face I said hi and you smiled once again I am safe I went back home  and paint another picture and letters and wrote your name deep in my wrist..

Friday: nothings new today I saw you and said goodbye..
 
Saturday:I am alone like always, I hold back all my tears and sorrow and swallow all my pills that I kept away from me for a while until this day.. now i'm gone

Sunday: I still fill the pain I've had all my life . But somethings new today .. I am no longer alive


Details | Free verse | |

Callused

My mind is callused.
Rubbed so raw,
time after time,
but has done its best to heal.

Repeated friction, anger and defeat,
leaving behind a slightly tougher skin each time,
but even the thickest skin will eventually crack. 

Too frequent, too forceful,
blistering pain and silent agony.
My mind stands alone.
Alone in this war,
alone, only accompanied by it calluses,
a constant reminder of the brutal past it barley overcame.

Worrying and waiting, 
waiting for the pain to come back,
and I know it will.
Its all just a game,
a sick, miserable game.
Sitting and anxiously waiting,
waiting to be cut open, 
waiting to break skin,
waiting to bleed,
waiting to leave ugly, unsightly reminders. 
Its all just a game.
I am the player, the winner and the loser.
I want to control my own fate.
I want to control my anxiety. 
I want to control my ability to be bruised, to heal.
I want to control the game.
I want to control this circle that keeps replaying, hurting and healing me along the way.

But I can't control it.
So,
my mind,
is left,
callused. 


Details | Free verse | |

personal sin

The thousandth time rerun
The crying
The apologies
The unspoken regret
Yet you stood
Like a statue of marble
Your eyes quiet
So shut down from emotion
So ruined by what you felt
Just an empty shell

She stood screaming at your face
The one that never left
The one that had your back
No matter what was ahead
The one, no matter how many times
You broke her into unfixable pieces,
Came back, trying to be sure
That you would make it
Taking no regard for herself

How many times did she quietly
Begged for you to come back
Not the emotionless monster you've become
But the rugged angel 
That saved her from her own hell

She stood
Her body convusing from tears
You just turned and walked away
She tried to explain
You didn't listen, 
She spoke in vain

She never wanted more
Than just the person you were
She just wanted someone
To love and miss her unconditionally
Of how badly she had fallen
How scared and broken she was

She stood speaking fact to you
She told you exactly
You didn't listen
You turned your head and shut down
She was trying to protect you
Didn't you see?
That's all she wanted
Was someone to protect
To be protected

To clouded to say no
You tore her once more
A I love you note
Before heinous deed
Didn't you feel guilty? 
Not even a bit?

She gave everything she possibly could
Just to not be put on the shelf again
But pride clouded your mind
And she was placed right at the back
The person who never left
The person who chose to not see what you lack

She got tired
And decided it was time to stand
Time to shy her face away
From the evil heart breaking anger within her
So with some words said
And Some words left
To fester within

She ended it
She ended her personal sin


Details | Free verse | |

Loss

“Loss”

I had such a beautiful house
that I ceaned to make myself real.
Such peace and quiet there,
shattering loneliness and no people
A deck which held my tinkling chimes…
sound so empty, it hurt.
Plenty of food to eat,
my brain starved, my heart starved
I thought I was in partnership
How could I have kidded myself?
We drove places together
So what?
Shared about the distance between
my sons and myself.?Did I even know who I was talking to?
Cold blustery winds outside
I couldn’t get warm inside for anything.
Because I existed there
did not make me loved or loving.
Talking about my sons
wasn’t bringing them any closer.
I made salads from beautiful ingredients
which did not mean I was a wife
I trusted with everything
an example of my having been an abused child
never understood boundaries
who was safe to share with or not…
So often I spoke of redemption
my words were cast off casually
I needed to make things right
It was as though I spoke of the weather.
My intention became to end my life
out of the frustration of being 
in such a wrong place and so far away.
Even that became a comic joke.
Next door neighbors cherished one another
yet I was as alone as it gets
and could see no way back 
to being my real self again
ever.
I didn’t know the difference
Just knew I was miserable
and wanted out…whatever it took


Details | Free verse | |

The Park

There was a time
When she was at the park
and she was young
and fearless
because she knew
it would be okay.
And she wasn't scared
of the roundabout
or the slide
or the swings,
even though she could
swing high and fall
and hurt herself.
But then she grew up.
And she was scared -
not because of the roundabout
or the slide
or the swings -
but because she wanted
to swing high
and fall
and hurt herself.
And she wanted to die.
But she was already dead inside.


Details | Free verse | |

if it all ended tonight

If it all ended tonight
Would you cry at the thought of my lost smile?
Would you breathe easier at night knowing I'm not there anymore?
Would you miss me?
Or rejoice in the fact that I am gone?

Was my all ever enough for you to hold?
Was every piece of my soul not good enough to fill your bleeding hole?
Was just being me not pure enough to warm your cold?

If it all ends tonight..
Keep my legacy.. 
Keep it strong wild and true.
Because I'll always be 
Right next to you.. 
Keep your flame alight. 
Be strong 
Be proud 
And never back down.. 

If it all ends tonight.. 
Stay strong.. 
And remember the person I once was.. If you ever feel my memory slipping.. Look at the stars
Know I'm looking down 
Smiling at you.. 

If it all ends tonight.. 
I beg of you get up and fight
If it all ends tonight
I plead for you to wage war against the darkest knight
If it all ends tonight
I know I didn't make all my dues right
If it all ends tonight
I know you'll keep me alight
If it all ends tonight
I hope you make it out alright
If it all ends tonight
I pray the Lord to keep you safe and tight

If it all ends tonight.. 
Remember me.. 
The real me.. 
Remember me.


Details | Free verse | |

1937

Madrid it is a hot and sad place.
Filled once with music and pretty women
now filled with bombs blasting on street corners
and old women hovering over their dead husbands.
Madrid was once a place of love and culture.
Love was full through every hotel lobby
to every small cafe, love was all around.
Now, nothing but abandoded buildings
inhabited by rats and broken dreams.
The hotel lobbies once home to rich folk in tuxedos
drinking expensive champagne and dancing,
now filled with young boys bleeding from bullet wounds
and burn't to the bone.
Madrid once a home to life
now a home to death and war.
Fellow Spaniard fighting fellow Spaniard
in a Civil War between life and greed.
Life was all good and well
till 1937 came around.


Details | Free verse | |

Out

Face down, dirty,
her damp hands 
flutter and stream
in memory of pure bliss’
hot breath of life,
her self-murder
a-way into
the shadow on her eyes.


Details | Free verse | |

Adflicto

I just want to curl up and away
Forever lost in the land of dreams.
Where is that happy land of sunshine?

Lost in a perpetual storm; am I
The storm or is it around me?

The dark Beast forever stalking my
Light, my life of laughter, smiling.

I thought I was safe but then
The grief tore my soul apart
Once again, I was broken, ruined.

The circles, the fears and desires
All mockery of me, the joke.

Escape but not for me, chained to 
Walls of the pit I’ve fallen into.

Too much of everything yet not
Enough and the paradox is heartless.

Raving mad and angry at the world,
At life so cruel and beautifully still.

A hope, a whisper so frail like frost
In the shining light of angry morning.

What am I, anyway, except thoughts
And a bundle of torn up skin?

Tired and wracked with thoughts so dark,
Peace must be found or I shall

Break. 


Details | Free verse | |

Final Night

Never again will I see the rain cascade in front of me,
never again will I hear a birds gentle melody.
This hole I dug was too deep,
the measurement reading six feet.
I hear the screams of those that came before,
walking straight ahead,
through hells door.
If only you were there
you could've stopped the madness.
My wrist lay bare,
with the final slash of sadness.
I leave this world,
as a broken soul.
With a promise that ill return again,
right and whole.


Details | Free verse | |

Haunting Flames

When I look around me,
Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives,
Yet I am not,
When life gives you troubles you move on,
But I Can't!
The things in my past still haunt me,
They cast a flame in my soul,
Not a flame of passion,
But a flame of sorrow,
The world moves so fast,
People change,
I live stuck in the past,
It's so hard to move,
The Unthinkable,
Seems to be the only way left. 


Details | Free verse | |

The Cafe

The cliques will talk circles around you.
Switch tables a few times, get the full story.
You'll see how they overlap and intertwine.
They're not all lying, no.
But none of them are giving all the details.
It's far too risky to let an outsider in,
so they slide the blade across the floor,
to your feet,
making sure the proper arrangements are made.
Nobody wants to ruin the big surprise.
We're all in the dark, after all.
Slide a bullet in the chamber and spin the chambers,
before you change your mind.
Then, look around at all these fools.
Whispering about each other, and about you.
And how they've always leered at me.
How they pity me.
And how I pity them.


Details | Free verse | |

Your Own Suicide Part 1 of 2

(Gen. 2:7 / Jer. 10: 23 / Matt. 4: 4/Isa. 45: 22/John 3: 16/Heb. 4: 12, 13/2 Tim. 3: 16, 17)



Would You Jump Onto The Point of A Sword?
Would You Jump Onto A Live Grenade?
Would You Drink A Whole Bottle of  Poison?
Have You Lived Your Whole Life & Not Prayed?

Would You Open Your Mouth Wide To A Bullet?
Or Cut Your Own Veins With A Razor?
Would You Hang Yourself With A Noose & Fall?
Do You Not Want Eternal Life's Favor?

Would You Put - You & Your Loved Ones At Risk?
For Some Science Guess or Thesis?
That Life Got Here By Hit & Miss
& Means Nothing But Biological Pieces?

Are You One of Those That Fear Nothing?
Even As Your Own Life Ages & Fades?
At Powers & Forces Beyond Your Knowledge
Are You Not Just A Little Bit Afraid?

Would You Put Everything That You Value
and Hold Precious In This World ...
and Any Future It Could Have Had
Into A Tornado's One Final Twirl?

If You Knew You Were Going To Die
& There Was Nothing You Could Do To Stop It
Would You Live Life Like An Aimless Rocket?
Or Trust It To GOD's Powerful-Purpose-Pocket?

Do You Think That Humans Are The Only Ones?
The Only Intelligent Beings In The Universe?
Or Do You Know That We Are Not ...
& Just Don't Care Who Was The First?

And What If A Christian's Belief-Based Views
of Life - and Hope and Faith Proves To Be Truth?
Are You Prepared For The Consequences of Disbelief?
and Your Own Disaster? ...Well, Really ... Are You?

And If People Can Really Live Forever,
If There Was A Remote Chance That Its True?
Wouldn't You Make Sure & The Time To Find Out?
Or At Least Try To Get A Clue?
(If People Will Live Forever - Why Not You?)

And If Your Life Is So Terrible & Tragic
and If Your Life Is So Bitter & Bad
and If You're Ready To Give Out & Deliver It Up
Then Why Are You So Spirit-Sad?

And Would You Still Take Your Vague Chances
Not Caring About All The Particulars & Facts?
That If You Were Wrong About GOD ...
Now, Wouldn't You Want To Know About That?

Would You Jump Into The Deepest Ocean
if You Really Don't Know How To Swim?
Would You Let Yourself Sink Deeper & Deeper
if The Only Raft & Rope & Rules Was From HIM?

If You Were Buried Alive Beneath Boulders & Rubble
With Dust & Death Pressing In Every Layer
and With Just One Last Communication
Would You Still Ridicule Your Only Savior?



(Part 1 of 2)



       Written & Copyrighted ©:  9/18/2013 
       by:  MoonBee Canady


Details | Free verse | |

Requiem for a Life Unknown

a
weary
heart
this
life
bids
adieu,

till
arise
this
flesh
never
again
anew.

a
dying
spirit
echoes
slowly,
life’s
last
drum
roll,

a 
final
rhythmic
cadence,
before
death’s
silent
bow.

© Eugene Harvey



Details | Free verse | |

You will never truly know how I feel

Ever have those days
where everything in the world
just seems to go wrong
 
where no one is talking
no one will listen 
and no one really cares
 
you are yelling 
and screaming 
and no one seems 
to even look your way
 
that happens all to often
you have your "bestfriends"
but they never seem to listen
when you truly need it most
 
why do they only come to you
when they need something
when they need it
never there for you
 
sometimes it seems like 
you are just all alone in this world
and everything is wrong


Details | Free verse | |

Where I Go To Die

Today hurts like the rest of days
This morning I cried invisible tears
Looked at my son and felt remorse
How someone so innocent could be given someone like me
He smiles sweetly and I reply back
To sleep he goes 
Now everything is quiet
Except the darkness in my head
I'm so tired of the shadows talking to me
Their whispered tongues scrape at my mind
Leaving foul thoughts that stink of intention
The clock is louder
My cellphone keeps ringing and hmm.............
When I searched for company I was alone
Twenty four hours of drowning in my hell
I have no jokes to laugh at
No good reason to smile
When I think of my child 
And what I can offer him
I break so hard 
I'm scattered into a trillion pieces
Everyone walks by and hears the crunch under their feet
But no one stops and picks me up
Even if they did the glue is all gone
Mirrors I hate so much
They show me nothing just me
I scream so loud that my soul wanders in impatience
So with these pills I thee wed
Tired of the bullshit I hear in my head
I collect my things and give them off
To people who are found while I am lost
I dry swallow all thirty one
Instantly I feel the power and I succumb
I lay back in my bed slow
Tell my son I'm sorry and close my eyes low
Immediantly I transform to a darkened dream
The place where I belong no one can hear me scream
The Bloodfairies come to greet me
Their wings shuffle and shake like a tree
No words they say at all
They just escort me down the hall
To a room that carries my name
Where I shall sit in shackles of my shame
I now never can leave here
But I wouldn't want to that would be my fear
Making me come back to this earth 
NO, no I left !this universe was my curse
Reaper comes to take my hand
Banish it of the flesh and skin
Sitting with a clenched mouth
My jaw is wired so I can't shout
Peace covers me head to toe
Now this life is over I'm in no need of a soul
Take it and run away fast
I give my soul to the Reaper at last
Here in death I will wait
I pray the Lord my life I'll take


Details | Free verse | |

Lost Hope for a Broken Soul

When I think about things that are gone and passed
I mourn for the things that did not last
I feel the hurt and tears that fell
I cannot get free, trapped in this Hell
The fires of memories lick at my flesh
Burning up tears that I thought would always last
Coal black eyes, you can see my soul
I gave up everything, everything for a mole
But such rich eyes…
They beckoned me in, promising me everything
Using all of my sin
My heart still aches
My soul still bleeds
To hear that voice
So honey sweet
And yet I let you hold the knife
Feel you twist it in my back, and I never seem to fight
The blood starts to rip, taking with it some hope
That one day I will stop this nonsense
And take that one last fatal blow
But no, not to him
I want him to stay in perfection, I never can harm him
The knife is for me, to mortify my own flesh
Let the blood pour, like my tears once did
Maybe then he will understand
I regret the mistakes made
But no matter what, I would always belong to him 


Details | Free verse | |

A gone but precious friend Pt 1

title may change

this is to one of my closest friends who committed suicide, R.I.P Taylor Frostsong/ Jeanette Jenkins


she was my best friend
she was a very close friend but how did I not know
that she was in so much pain
why did I not see her attempt at death coming.
But her attempt, unlike mine, was a success of her hanging
and here I write about her
she was an amazing friend
and over the summer
for 3 days straight
almost continually
trying to talk
me out of suicide
and me
out of my dark hole
of hopelessness and despair
where I suffered
through my memories
and where I was living in pain;
of not being able to see my own son,
of losing my therapist to a heart attack,
and in the depression  of not helping anyone
and I suffered
from the mistakes I made
but why
why did I not do anything
I recognized the signs;
the slowly drifting away
the less frequent phone calls
and Facebook messages
why did I not help her?
Why did I not listen?
in my heart
I knew something was wrong
but why did I not act
and I know
if I had gotten to her
I could have saved her
and she would still be here
I could have stopped it
but I didn't even try
and because of this failure
my failure of accepting the signs
and disbelieving what was true
I lost her
and I lost one of my most precious friends.


Details | Free verse | |

Self-Induced Fatality: A New Kind Of Drug

Apart we stand and together we crumble.
She's hiding in the bathroom letting her world unravel.
Did three bumps wiped her nose; began to stumble.
Living her life between the sudden slams of the gavel.
She makes herself believe fatalities can't happen,
While she's gripping the toilet seat gasping.
For water to hydrate the rolls; she's ashen.
Unable to justify the messed up way she's been acting.
Her friends turn their backs on her addictions.
She's running all day to pick up a new bag.
Calling someone else to buy their latest prescription.
Wasting her money left and right on some bulls**t swag.
To the point where she disgusts herself living in the past.
Where did that little girl go from four years back.
Rocking back and forth on the tile her eyes are glass.
Fighting off the oncoming asthma attacks.
As her pupils begin to dilate she wishes for the best.
The darkness closes in as tears fill her cup.
The shakes take over now it's time to lay to rest.
Her last words will always be 'It was never enough.'


Details | Free verse | |

Blood Sisters

She sat alone, teary eyed                                                                                                
Staring at the yellow walls                                                                                               
They seemed to close in on her                                                                                        
She felt it best to die, then shuddered involuntarily                                                            
She picked the blade near her, and looked at it thoughtfully                                               
Drowning in her sorrow, she didn't feel the pain                                                                
When she cut her wrist sharply                                                                                        
The blood flowed quiet and warm                                                                                     
And surrounded her like an ocean                                                                                     
She felt no pain, that's what she said                                                                                
In fact she felt numb and a swift emptiness                                                                       
She didn't realize at that moment, that I was so scared for her                                           
Afraid she would be taken away from me                                                                          
So I prayed, I prayed nonetheless                                                                                    
Then she wrote too, just like me                                                                                      
She found an outlet, all her pain flowed out in writing                                                        
Just like me...now we're the same.


Details | Free verse | |

Line by line

His pain,
Etched across his arm,
Line by line by line by line by 
line


Over and over and over,
Slashing the flesh that binds 
him to this earth,
Line by line by line by line 


The words echoing,
Words that are heard and never 
forgotten cut him slowly to 
pieces
Line by line by line by line by 
line


"Nobody cares!" He shouts,
Reaching for the help in hopes 
that they were wrong, that the 
words were wrong cutting him
Line by line by line by line by 
line 


They are there for the girl who 
everyone knows, but not for 
the lonely boy who is slowly,or 
quickly dying inside
Line by line by line by line by 
line


But I am here for that boy, the 
one who wants to escape from 
the cruel grasp of life, that has 
mercilessly tortured him
Line by line by line by line by 
line

I am here and I'm not leaving 
even as they cut you line by 
line by line by line by line by 
line by line

I am here for you and I 
will be here till the end of time


Details | Free verse | |

Half Gates

Drowning in dismay,
the Will is fading away.

A familiar touch,
nothing changes so much.

As Life creeps out,
behold the crimson carpet unfold.

At ajar doors,
what is left to adore?

From afar they revel,
delighted by how you fell.

Shutting gates,twisting keys,
burning bridges now leave...

Traveling to beyond the bounds,
leaving behind what is not fond.

The journey to find a pinch of joy,
doesn't often destroy?


Details | Free verse | |

Epitaph

Epitaph is a collection of dark short stories, unsettling poetry, and hopeless musings. 

It is available for Amazon Kindle.  http://www.amazon.com/Epitaph-ebook/dp/B00CCFQ9XS/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

Or Barnes and Nobel NOOK. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/epitaph-kyle-halberg/1115920109?ean=2940016540689

Here are a few reviews to wet your apetite.

1) "Epitaph is a dark, quick read about the absurdity of the finite human condition.
If Kafka and Palahniuk had a brief affair, this would be their lovechild."

2) "Coventional Society Has Been Condemned.  The author presents a well written, detailed condemnation of conventional American/Christian dogma. The author's anger is palpable. Thought provoking to say the least..."

3) "I was startled by the boldness of Epitaph. The author did with this something a lot of people are unwilling to do: be completely and insanely honest. In a strange and satisfying mix of poems, fiction, and philosophy, it explores what it means to exist, and if it is even fair to say that we do. Hearing that, you may be surprised to also hear that this collection contains some of the most creative, thoughtful, and downright hilarious things I have ever read.

That being said, I hesitate to recommend this to most people, because the evident and strangling despair of the author will upset them. If you are happy, skipping from day to day without a care in the world (in other words, if you are boring and thoughtless), DO NOT READ THIS! If you want to peer into the mind of a madman, and become mad for a short time yourself, Epitaph is the place to go."


Details | Free verse | |

Fracta Anima

Maybe instead of life
Maybe I’m the joke.
Maybe I stopped mattering,
So why does this matter?

The shattered pain in my eyes,
Mirrors that reflect only you.
Do you see the cracked smile;
Your laughter is a dagger to my soul.

The frustration is a merry-go-round;
I might fall off and die.
The pain is rotten, a corpse
Twisted all around my heart.

Tears are uncountable, endless
Crying at night but still more.
Oh, the despair in my soul!
I long only for joy, please,
Is that just too much to ask?

Those beautiful dreams are ruined,
Why on earth were they given?
Was it all my fault or maybe
No one’s fault, just life,
The joke that is me.

The cuts will scar, as always
Yet can’t you see them,
Or maybe you refuse to.
The outside cuts are nothing
Compared to my heart, ruined,
Destroyed by far too many hopes.

My trust, shattered like glass
And lying in the wasteland,
My bitter tears are the oasis.

Tired, yet no sleep is found here,
So many questions in my mind,
My heart can’t ask you again.

I’m sorry, oh the mistakes made,
And there will be so many more.

I am hollow, a container of sorrow,
Of lifeless, wingless dreams, so frail.
The hot fire mixes with it,
The anger that is me and my mind,
Questioning, screaming and so unhappy.

Delusions are my safe, happy place;
I only wanted love.


Details | Free verse | |

DIE ALREADY

Die Loser! 

What ever do you mean? 
Has it all became too obscene? 

Did it hurt? 
My disappointment – bridges burnt 
Did it stain? 
Our eternal relation –  doused with pain 

Don't you worry, it won't be long. 
Before I pull the trigger -right what's wrong 

Oh, I will be missed.. 
as who fucked all loved, and soaked all in piss 

I never cared. 
I'm a coward who's scared 
so I slit my own wrist 


end. 

January twenty-first, two thousand and seven


Details | Free verse | |

Mistake

( MISTAKE )

I must admit that I have often thought
of leaving it all behind and letting everything go

I was lost and alone, as I always am,
So many people around me,
Yet no one seems to care.

They say they understand and love me very much,
But just when I Trust to love, they forget and move on.

I held the knife so close 
as tears, mixed with blood,
Began to fall slowly.
Like a foolish child I cried.

Knowing that I could end it all now
made my mind draw a blank.

I put the knife away and tried to wipe the blood,
that ran faster than I can describe.

I knew suicide wasn't the answer I was looking for.
I knew there was a reason for me being alone.

So many bad things happening at once -
They can make you forget
About the good qualities of life.

Even though life is hard,
and trouble an inevitable part of it.

If you decide to leave it all behind,
maybe you will,
but I can guarantee that others 
....Your Mistake will haunt

(c) Jasmine Paul 11-22-2014 <3


Details | Free verse | |

The shoelace

A shoelace, one that snags and tears when you try to tighten your shoe too tight. 
Who would have imagined, 
could be a tool used to take my daddy's life. 
Alcohol and drugs, a swirl of depression and a mindset of bamboozlement
Leaving what was once a brilliant artistic mind, 
now second guessing his sanity. 
Put so much faith into a women who made her life hustling, 
transparent to all but him. 
Would leave him alone, with his drug induced thoughts of self loathe. 
While she scampered the streets, and was more enthralled with a "john".
One night was his breaking point, concocting a delusional plan to recapture the harlot's attention. 
Was it a cry for help, and attention? Was it an induced hebetude. 
Sitting cross legged as indians would, a simple shoelace placed around his neck. 
Waiting hours and hours for her to return, to see him in this desperate state. 
The effects of the drugs and alcohol had taken its toll, his eyes heavy... 
He leans forward, the shoelace does not give way. 
I will never know if it was suicide or a drunken stupor!


Details | Free verse | |

Why

Drowning in  the depths of despair
Their waves of guilt and impotence
Thundering through  his brain
The roar drowning out
The anguished pleas
Of family and friends.

Trapped within the unscalable heights
Of  torment
Walls rendered impenetrable 
By his tortured deafness
His mind thrashed 
For a way of escape.

Born of the gilded generation
This doomed Icarian youth
Lured by the amber flame of a vitreous sun
And beaten down by mental  strain
Listened for the approaching whistle
And stepped lightly into the void.

The windscreen thump
The driver's startled and pallid face
The screech of brakes
The acrid stench of scorching flesh
And the line at a standstill.

Once the wreckage was cleared
Left behind were the wounds
Lightly to crust over
But beneath, the ever gaping wound
That will never heal.

Just graze the surface
And the pain and questions
Come flooding back.


Details | Free verse | |

Eurydice

 Yeah, she was kinda dark 
Steven said when I told him about it
 You could tell,he said, she had it in her
But he wasn't there for knee socks and
Golly gee can't believe you said THAT WORD
out loud
The memory leaving me wondering if
maybe
he meant me.
Though he and I both know
I don't have the stones.
Lazy suicide he accuses
I laugh but silently agree
Maybe,or
Instead of breaking or bending
I pick door number three
refusing to accept 
what I cannot change,
singing to any beast who will listen
 while plucking my strings 
in the light at the edge of the world
But where is she?


Details | Free verse | |

The cheating sin

She comes home to a silent room
Waiting for the greeting that she yearned to hear each day
Instead the noise that met her ear
Was of the most surprise to her
It was moaning and a groaning
And something she has never heard
She walked around to see what it was
In her mind she already knew
There he was and there she was
staring in each others eyes
Caught in the mist of the action
That just ruined both of their lives
She ran out so fast but didn't know where to go 
But her mind was way ahead
She put the car in reverse and skidded down the street
Before he ever could reach the door
She never talked to him again
But her heart wanted to each day
He cheated and she couldn't believe it
That was the end of their days
Years went by and she is trying to forget
But the pain keeps seeping back in
So uncontrollable, so unfathomable
She just wanted to the pain to end
Slowly and surely she drank away every hurt in her body
Till the night she drove herself off that cliff
Into the water that remained below
She did it  because her heart couldn't be mended 
Nor fixed of all the pain
He will never get to see her face
But will always remember her pain


Details | Free verse | |

Desight

So here she lay with the gaunt rose feeling so cold…

Help is in her eyes, but the feeling is of false…

Uneasy for me to slit the way to eternal rest…

I feel this breeze weigh behind me…

 And so the knife she lay so bold…

Nonentities realized this so coming…

Help is on the way my dear…

I shall hear you sleep… 


Details | Free verse | |

I Ache

I ache for the sun.
I ache for the warmth to reach my bones,
And despell the depression that grows there.
I ache for happiness to shove through my veins
And reach into my corrupt mind.
I ache to be saved,
From myself.


Details | Free verse | |

Bliss From A Bullet

Everyday I wake up to a mundane reality
Lying in bed thinking, waiting for dawn
Nothing left to believe in, no hope for society
With no more strength I can barely move on

Looking around I see people enjoying life, having fun
Their laughs mocking me as I sit alone
That’s it I can’t stand it, I’m done
Finally, to me the truth has been shown

No one cared, they never did, and never will
I need to end it all, society is full of it
With the gun to my head time seems to stand still
Now the only thing I can believe in is bliss from a bullet.


Details | Free verse | |

No Longer

Beautiful...
This oil scented black...
Closet, no way out...
Mommy? Daddy?
.....................................
There not proud of me...
It stares...
Dead in the doorway...
My slip of air...
Boiler on...
Record plays...
...sdrewkcaB
Silence is in the air...
Dad?
He takes me once again...
Throws me on a bed...
And he said...
Nothing...


Details | Free verse | |

Tainted Mind

He kissed his own wrist,
tainted in blood.
He wiped the tears away,
still afraid.
If only he didn’t feel so much pain.

Wrapping his wounds,
He knew,
somewhere in his mind,
he knew what needed to be done.
Still so afraid,
he stood shaky and weak.
This boy is not what you think.

These new wounds run deep,
the wounds you made,
tainting clean skin.
This boy is broken because of you.

Broken bones and bruised skin, 
beaten and bloody,
everywhere ached and stung for days.
Just as always. 
Have you no soul?

This poor boy barely fifteen,
too scared to see,
what a monster you made him be.

He sat back down,
grabbed the razor instead.
Adding his own scars to the pain,
he glanced over to a drawer.
A drawer hiding his way to freedom.
Next time he’d pull the trigger.

He had bought it for you,
thought he would end his pain that way.
He used it against himself instead.
Do you feel better now?


Details | Free verse | |

The Bloody Instrument

The Instrument of life
By, TheDarkness
Note: During medieval times, there was a legend’ that when a swan dies, they sing a beautiful song with their dying breath. This has sense been forth known as, 
“The Swan Song”


She plays her music of pain,
The instrument of choice her wrist,
A symphony of sounds are released,
Though the melody is hushed through clenched teeth
With every pull the music fades away,
Slowly the once lively instrument turns pale,
And her silver baton falls from limp hands.

He plays his music of life,
Though his symphony is different,
Instead of the sweet sting of the silver blade,
He chooses the loud bang of the bullet,
Clicking the last piece into place,
He puts his instrument to his head,
With a flash of light his instrument falls away,
The once clean room is now stained red

The aftermath is catastrophic,
For the conductors left before the show ended,
With heavy hearts the audience cleans the stage,
The melody they created is covered up,
And the music they loved is forgotten.

Together, yet so far apart,
Their symphonies briefly intertwine,
To create a melody unheard by human minds,
They part together, strangers on a lonely road,
Yet somehow they smile, for their peace is finally known,
For together,
 They created their swan song.


Details | Free verse | |

The Gray Queen

The Gray Queen
She sleeps in between
Dreams and awakening
She is always there
In the early morning light
In the deep darkness of night
She won’t cede her reign
Over the grayness which she rules
The grayness of despair and depression
She never lets you sleep
And keeps happiness from your door
She is the queen of the doldrums
She never smiles
And never leaves her chambers
That is drawn upon your heart and soul
She is the Gray Queen
And there is nothing but pain in her heart
Sleepless nights and dreadful mornings 
Are her dominion
To rule your life with sidewalks
And rainy days
The gray mist is her dust
And the cold handle of a handgun 
Her wand
She is with me all the time now
Like a ghost I walk hand-in-hand with her
Knowing there will be but one end
For the Gray Queen cannot be trumped.


Details | Free verse | |

domestic battlefield

a neglected yearning
orphaned, long before death
concealed in view
obscured to the world
a parting conductor; reflected
an isolated pair
left without


Details | Free verse | |

in the city

i saw him sit in darkness
but he refrained 
from the final slip,
for the city was so
bright in the window and 
light touched the sill like angel
fingers on his cheek, and he
desired the dainty dexterity
to touch him last. The cars,
little lights, living their lives,
lasting as long as the length
of their mechanisms permits.
I felt him feeling the fingers
of millions of lights, 
blinking and flashing until
their fire fades finally.
 
In the reflection on
the window, he saw 
a light;
he smiled,
Blinking, flashing,
and beaming 
in the city.


Details | Free verse | |

The Path

Asleep at the wheel

Beaten in battle

Along the teapot bridge

The art that shut my mouth

And freed the south

While swinging in despair

I turn my head

Back to follow the path

That echos take

To stairs the crickets climb

From chariots to bitterness

In cradled love we swing

Revolving ornaments

Of the hanging tree


Details | Free verse | |

Gregory

Gregory, Just an average man, with no secret…

His life was all in order, no son, no wife, no daughter…

He was known for slaughter, not too many people know this…

He keeps a list, everyone, including the mistress…

He has no weapon, only his little, stupid thoughts…

Gregory had a talent no one else knew of…

He could sing, sing till’ the cows came home!

But once Gregory made his change, he was not the same…

He was always finding things to blame, thinking life was a game…

You could say that Gregory was the same…

Until the night he walked into the freeway lane…

Maybe Gregory was a little insane, maybe he was a little hue…

But smarter than most, he never knew how to smile…

He tried and tried, but to society he was a ghost…

His little, stupid thoughts covered his emotions…

Gregory always thought of why he was here…

Gregory started to taste alcohol, it started as beer…

Ended as Heroin, his words always were…

At least I’m someone…

He laughed; Gregory knew that was a bad assumption…

No family to call, Gregory started taking his problems elsewhere…

And his little, stupid thoughts were right there beside him…

He grabbed his grandmother’s wicker basket…

His only words were…

“Fantastic…”


Details | Free verse | |

Knock

He heard a knock at the door,
suddenly he couldn’t wait anymore,
felt the pain trickle down his spine.

It crashed open and he flinched,
the sound forcing him to wonder why,
why he had been chosen for such a gruesome life.
Seconds fell to minutes,
minutes fell to hours,
yet somehow time felt frozen.
it felt like nothing had moved for days,
days upon days.

He heard the footsteps in the room,
he heard the shrieks of terror too.
He most certainly didn’t move.
The crimson liquid seeped though,
it seemed from every pore,
he knew this day would come,
dying on the floor.

She rushed to his side,
screaming gargled words
she never heard a thing.
He felt his eyes close again,
just this one last time.
He let himself slip away,
for today he shall die.

Had he had the choice he’d say,
he never wanted it to end this way.
We do things for those we care,
if dying meant saving,
then dying was the only cure.
He had no problem,
not when it was for her.
One last time,
he heard a knock on his door.


Details | Free verse | |

last transformation

the last transformation, a gift he’ll never see
wanting to become something new
a dream come true
swinging from a rope in the shed
golden specks of dust in rays of sunlight
sing the silent fanfare of the new creation

Michael F. Lewis
6/16/2013


Details | Free verse | |

Santa Monica

Suicide…how embarrassing to have
Tried but not succeeded…When I drove
The car at 80mph on Arizona Avenue
In Santa Monica I was expecting to run
Into a wall, head flying through the dash
Board and cut my throat on the glass. Dead.

At over 80 miles per hour I ran the red light 
but four cars broke my fall. My head didn’t 
fly through the dash window at all. The dash 
glass didn’t slit my throat like I’d planned, the
cars hit me and broke my speed surviving
with only a stupid scratch to the knee. I was 
arrested, stripped naked and put in a  blue
plastic garbage bag my hand-cuffed to a chair. 
I stayed with the mentally challenged called 
the 5150’s rather than the more advanced
criminals at LA County Jail for two months 
being tried for assault with a deadly 
weapon. I was found guilty but
released. Now I’m still alive 
but a felon.


Details | Free verse | |

Disconnecting Numb

Forcing his way through a ocean of iniquity and negligence,
As malfeasances and misconducts concoct a deadly storm of uncertainty,
Demons and guilt torment him,
Obstructions and obstacles challenge him,
Misfortune and tragedy overwhelm him,
As he is subconsciously enveloped by an emotional numb,
Standing alone, even as he is surrounded by those he loves,
He a feels shiver-inducing tingle shave his spine,
Severing the last of his connection from the outside world.
Crying himself to sleep every night;
Without pain,
Without sadness,
Without anger,
The numb killing his soul,
Obliterating emotion,
Annihilating self-worth,
Disconnecting into a world of fog, 
Where one is never truly awake, but can not find peace in sleep,
The sorrow from solitude forces him out,
The depression from being invisible pushes him back in to confinement,
Anxiety and instability crushing ambition and inspiration,
The silk of motivation, which once rich and lustrous,
Is now tattered and broken,
Once a man, a human,
Now the broken shell of a person, without purpose,
Lacking axiom,
Integrity, broken,
Living a facade,
Wearing a smile, but dead behind the eyes,
Drifting from reality, leaving behind the body and mind,
A soul, free from the trials and constraints,
Without consequence,
Without regret,
He will no longer be forced to suffer through the melancholy that eradicated his life,
He will never again succumb to the desolation of his depression,
Never again, will he have the chance to create,
Never again, will he have the chance to inspire,
Never again, will he have the chance to love.
Never again, will he wonder if he is deceased, dreaming or alive.
He is now more alive than ever,
He is now in a state of eternal dreaming.


Details | Free verse | |

Eye to Eye

The stars in the midnight sky never fail to shine so bright
Gazing in the beauty of the night… lost in thought
The breeze of majestic wonders swept over us tonight

She said, “I want to kill myself”
Think of your daughter…
You’ll be missing out on so many great accomplishments
Don’t say, “Whatever…”
I feel this urge to tell you that everything will be alright to crush that depression
God will show you the true direction

Taking a giant leap of faith, we pressed forward, conquering all doubts – free will living to by the grace from above
Mesmerizing delight is enveloped in your eyes of emerald forests
Trying my best to look the other way, but your shine combines with mine

She said, “I’m tired of waiting”
Think of being more patient
You’ll get to walk with us sooner or later
I need to wear my sweater
I feel this bottomless, bitter guilt, coursing inside of me
If only I could be your key
To unlock eternal bliss…
And scorch away your hopelessness

Flashes of your greatest unmask the veil that held my eyes shut
The glory from within outshines the stars
Your heart is heavy with grief suddenly...

I’m walking up the stairs,
Thinking that no one cares
If I run away and never be found,
Paradise would be far from my reach
God’s love is what I beseech 
Let go of me, pity and grief…
Do me a favor and marry relief

Relief blankets your body...you're recovering right before my very eyes
Do me a favor and sift out the lies and goodbyes
For once, we now see eye to eye


Details | Free verse | |

Just A Little Longer

( JUST A LITTLE LONGER )

Desolation,
Wide open space,
Between the trees and me,
Emptiness and me,
Confusion and decisions,
Feelings hard to define,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

Coldness seeps
Its way in,
I am falling deeper,
Into what I fear most,
As I reach out,
There is nothing there,
As possible there was something once,
Only to be gone,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

The sun drops,
The last inch of light falls,
The squirrels more likely to be huddled up,
But not me,
Something I never possessed,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

Then the sun has gone,
Darkness spreads its wings over me,
I see nothing so no one sees me,
Feeling of bitterness only,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

An Owl peers down,
With question in her eyes,
She doesn't have a hope,
In helping me,
As she doesn't see my pain,
Spreads her wings,
Passes me by,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

The soft earth,
Seems the only thing holding me up,
Even then I could slip,
And wondering takes me,
To why and how I got here,
Without even knowing it,
Yet no one notices,
As they didn't see before,
So I say to myself,
Just a little longer, 

Shimmering in the darkness,
I see two moons,
Reflecting off a stream of thoughts,
Ongoing forever more,
Along a rocky road,
Slowly giving in to finding a way out,
I take the plunge under the river,
Then the wind carries a whisper,
Gently on a breeze,
'Just a little longer.'

(c) Jasmine Paul 11-22-2014 <3


Details | Free verse | |

Im about to

I’m about to throw my life into this defenseless jagged racket of misery…

I have seen the scars too many times; I only remember being a mystery…

Look at this mirror… This face is not of gold, it’s not of gold, it’s not of gold…

I’m about to yank this rope of my flawless imperfection until I choke on my spit…

This disguise is not working for anyone, greeting Mr. Reaper in the vengeful cold…

Such a misfortune, all the time that has been wasted on my Destruction…

Bias released this smoky pasture just for my cradle of non-handling greed…

Unrelenting segmental malfunction on the gateway of my lost creed…

So long ago, I rest; waiting; and waiting; and waiting… waiting on a cure…

Waiting for so long, to figure there is no cure…

I laugh; bitter with gentle whips…

Against one’s regretful back…

 Don’t look back…
Take that…


Details | Free verse | |

Faceless Enemy

How easily you ran rampant
through our sleeping little town.
Lives, you touched so many
over the years,
for the better.
Manyadmired and respected you,
dressed in blue.
Did this beast always reside in you?
Secreted away from the world?
Or was it new?
What caused this fracture, this divide?
Something unforeseen?
When it came,
you did not fight.
You let it reap and in this
last instant you took them all
and saved you for last.
Coward!


Details | Free verse | |

It Is

It does not help,
It only hurts.
It is not wrong,
It is not right.
It is not something for
You to romanticize.
It is pain.
It is feeling hopeless.
It is feeling empty.
It is not someone for you to
Save.
It is not beautiful,
It is tragic.
It will forever affect you.
It is not lovely,
Nor pure.
It is serious.
It is suicide.
It is self-harm.
It is depression.
It is real.
Treat it as such.


Details | Free verse | |

Choose

Choose
The only way 
the final way 
the hero’s way
the cowards way
to give up
to sacrifice
the pain of death 
or the pain of life
the slash of a knife
the bullet of a gun
the jump off a tree
or the empty bottle
death 
life
freedom
pain
choose one
choose another
choose life
choose death


Details | Free verse | |

On the Bus

“I want to stand with you,
Another day,
Just take my hand,
It’ll be okay...”

She’s singing on the bus
And I’m dying watching her on YouTube
Because she’s lying
Because she’s promising a lie
Because she’s singing to me

Saying all that I wish to say

And maybe I just wasn’t made to be loved...
Maybe I was just put here to be...
And maybe I just wasn’t made to love...
Maybe I was just created to live in perpetual hell...

Its 2:32 in the morning and the wind is howling outside my window
Still it’s nothing compared to the howling inside my soul

I drowned once... so long, long ago...and tonight I just wish I finished what I started...followed through

Frost is forming on the wall beside my head
Shimmering on the pillow where I rest my dead midnight shaded skull
But apathy has set in
In these shivers I know I’m just going to fall asleep
To dream of that morning when I was drowning
To relive that moment when my lungs were on fire
To breathe in those final heartbeats when my eyes cried out in agony
To wake in the lingering pulse of one final beat
When all around me lay peace and tranquility

It’s so hard...so hard...


Details | Free verse | |

Evil Never Ceases


like a hole
in a bucket
that’s always
leaking,
or a faucet
that’s always
dripping,

evil never
ceases
till death 
do us
part

like a brief
memory lapse
that’s always
evident,
or a faux pas
that’s always
awkward,

evil never
ceases
till death 
do us
part

like a uneasy
malaise
that’s always
present
or an incurable
addiction,

evil never
ceases
till death 
do us
part


© Eugene Harvey


Details | Free verse | |

Judas Kiss

Thirty pieces of silver
My soul condemn to hell
Even in the presence of God
One can feel left out
Jesus how I love you
My life I surrender for thee
But something wasn't enough
I needed more than even God could give
Even God could give
Envy? Jealous? Recognition
One of twelve is never just one
To Gethsemane garden I led the arm crowd
And my sign was the kiss
I will kiss my Lord to condemn Him
"Greetings Rabbi"
As I kissed the face of my Lord
Judas kissed crucified God
The weight of thirty pieces of silver
Burdens the mind
There is no repentance for such guilt
Torture
Return the blood money but it is refused
Throw it down
And the silver splatters
Against the temple floor
Like drops of blood
Spewing from the cut throat
Of the white white lamb
The sound of silence deafens
Nothing can hear your screams
A rope and a tree
And the earthly Judas ends
Hanging into the bowels of hell
Judas kissed Jesus
For thirty pieces of silver
And Judas kiss of betrayal
Brought forth Salvation
                                                " Judas kissed Jesus
                                                   and Jesus said to him
                                                   Friend, do what you are here to do."
I did what I was here to do
Judas kiss.



Details | Free verse | |

Three knives

A troubled mind, struggling blind,
Just coping, choking on life,
Crawling forwards, falling fast,
Grasping, cradling a durable knife,
The certainty, invertently in the dark,
Undecided, divided, willing and able,
A breathless sleep, the never forever,
Dank shiver, three knives on the table,
All neatly lined up, all in a row,
The steel still glistenes, 
in the darkness of my woe, 
One blade to chop,one to slice,
The other to stab, must be precise,
Quick and easy it never will be,
I'm I brave enough to choose to see,
Another day, or to watch me bleed,


Details | Free verse | |

ONE

One was gained One was lost
one was kept One was tossed 
One was killed One was saved
One Cried One looked the other way
One died One lived
One forgot One did forgive
One played One slept
One declined One Bet
One loss One won
One gets mad One runs
One fires a shot One lays still
One become frighten and along
One takes a life then One takes his own


Details | Free verse | |

White Roses Turn Purple and Black

White roses turn purple and black
When your mind becomes whack
When I think of death
I see you smoking meth
There's so much to gain
Why cause yourself pain
Don't smoke crack or shoot up with a needle
It makes your mind weak and feeble
Stop snorting that coke
It can make you choke
You won't get any kisses or hugs
Only losers take and abuse drugs
You may think that you are a winner
But in fact your life is getting thinner
So if you think doing drugs is cool
Then you're just a dumb fool


Details | Free verse | |

sylvia

 		SYLVIA

I hear they have placed 
A pretty blue plaque
High above your flat
So that tourists can find you
And say that this is the spot  
Where you killed yourself.

Lucky girl, you modern Sappho
To take the quantum leap  
Like a comet to take your place
Among the darkest regions of empty space
With a brilliance that few can keep
And even less the mind to know  
Where no dull planet can perturb you 
As fallen flowers have no faces.


Details | Free verse | |

She sells Suicide

She sells suicide in the mirror i see
by the seashore dark lady
how i adore her
arch angel say it if you want
that whore its allright
she sells herself black magic
by twelve
arms open wide laugh
and i know i got a knew flame
im gonna buy a brand new dance
the most amazing show on earth
dark angel if you will
because she sells suicide from new orleans
suicide from down below something i been missing

all the things she said
something special

perfume i wont take to kindly to

she sells sundials and daisie
bad scratches in seriuous ways
I'll run
and her thoughts make me crazy
she sells jokes and smiles
make it all worth the while
and the gun was in my hand
lend me my light liar liar liar
and ask the page through the tinted glass
has love brought me to a higher place
does she realy truly 
surely she does
she sells suicide in a darkened room
even to the saddest of us clowns
the ones that get down and pray

the ones that care to no longer to save the day
wont turna card up anymore

when all the merry men clapped 
have company they shouldnt have
gypsie music
begging us once to marry them
im a mistake in the past
the brew was gone
Liar liar
string our dreams along
and im coming clean to gypsie music

Im thinking ill be alright and wheres my reason
till we have heaven in sight
say it if you choose
she sells suicide everyday
this im sure
she sells suicide
i want some more
to know more of myself
suicide for the rich
the down beat the trodden
the happy and the poor
very close to you 
I'll find it in you 
and secretly true
the queen and the three
i wish you could have seen my face
lend thee thy light
she sells it by the truck full
she sells it to bangkok
while you pray
and yore wont take to kindly to it

she sells suicide
to forgotten faces
laughing and dancing
like the sound of my voice
i heard it was true
liar liar liar
the black two eyed jack
I'll fight
but never thought id see it like this before


Details | Free verse | |

RESPONSE

Die in your own room 
At your own hands 
For your selfish cause 
No one understands 
What you've become 
Can't live under rules and laws 
The pain you must numb 
That comes with failure and flaws 
Another year older 
A man with child size balls 
Who doesn't learn fear 
Turns pebbles to boulders 
From road to cliff it steers 
Over your shoulder 
Making sure that you fall.


Details | Free verse | |

Ode to Plath


                   I often wonder
          how Plath could have stayed 
             a year more longer
                        and 
   a million winters with fragrance of spring
             would have embraced us 
                       with
              warmth of summer!


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide Note

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would kiss every inch of the page, to drench it
With my last breathings of doomed love

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would spray each corner with Arabian perfume, 
So you will always associate death not with the chilling scents of
Decomposing flesh, or freshly turned soil, but with a heady 
Intoxicating fragrance

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would use many inks in rainbow colours, to soothe 
The ache of my parting words – to paint a kaleidoscopic picture of 
My beautiful misery

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would not waste time listing my miseries,
For they were countless, and too heavy for a sheet of paper
To bear

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would compose it sitting on my bed, my legs a creamy white
Against the starched white sheet, my face lifting now and then 
To the window, to distract myself from the solemnity by
Observing my final sunset

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would use the word ‘love’ as often as my heart
Nervously beats, in preparation for the coming stillness

If I were to write a suicide note,
I would remind you that were it not for you I would
Never have lived at all

I would tell you how you lifted my soul,
How you dragged me up from the depths,
The proverbial lotus flower pushing its blooms through
The sucking black mud

I would tell you how you were always with me,
Even when you weren’t – how your memory
Haunted, gently, bitter-sweetly

I would tell you how every time I closed my eyes 
I saw your face,
Etched by angel fingers on the thin red easels of my lids

I would tell you how, to me, this feeble dying girl,
You were the most beautiful thing in the world
More beautiful than fresh-blooming roses,
Or a tropical sunset
More sacred than temples or churches
More radiant than the sun,
That blazing god 
More poignant than the moon, 
In all her melancholy splendor
More overwhelming than my frail heart could bear

If I were to write a suicide note,
It would quickly become a love sonnet,
Devoted wholly to you
And my death would be lost in the subtext... 


Details | Free verse | |

Lay Me Down to Sleep

now I lay me down to sleep
with wrists that bleed from cuts so deep
my eyes so dry
nothing left with which to cry
and I slowly begin to die
for you this should surely be goodbye
with my final breath do I wish to say
my heart with you did forever stay
but do you care either way
what I say as i pass away
my heart for you kept on caring
despite a fact I can not continue baring
seeing you with her once more
from my chest, my heart was tore
and still I continue to say
my heart with you will surely stay


Details | Free verse | |

Ode To Baden

ODE TO BADEN

by

Kevin L Fairbrother



Baden, Baden our best Mate

What gave you the right to decide your fate

You left this life much the same as you lived it

With guts, determination and strength

and gambled that you could win

…

Baden, you left us out and pissed us off

You made us mad and very sad and all so sorry

So sorry that you felt the need to exclude us

From all the troubles that you felt

Because Baden, we could have helped

…

Like a true gambler who gives nothing away

You broke even on this day

The baggage you carried and would not unload

So the troubled waters just flowed and flowed

…

The waters still now, the baggage all gone

Leaves us the question, did we do wrong

You have paid the price, there is no return

The best we can do for you now

Is reach the place you so desired

…

Pictures and memories is all we know have

We feel cheated that your smile we will never see

And all those happy times just memories

We hope you are happy where-ever you may-be

…

We will have a drink or two and reminisce of life with you

And contemplate our lives without you

Max your dog he howls, he misses you

And all your family shed tears  and grieve

…

The bush is silent the trees are safe 

The axe and chainsaw there silent to

The wood pile will slowly dwindle

And the fire die just like you

…

Aka-Daka will see you off as you ride on

Ride on forever Bade as we will miss you heaps

With love and best wishes go you now

Rest in peace and sleep for-ever