When the whole world is causing you pain and anguish,
everything they say only afflicts deeper wounds.
Trapped in a cage, but no one hears your screams.
You try to explain, but no one understands your words.
Demons begin to play hide and seek with your soul,
and the voices in your head are hammering your brain.
Sooner or later everybody abandons you,
there is no one to save you, how worthless you have become.
All alone, like a butterfly you look to return to your cocoon,
fragile and broken you turn into an ascetic recluse.
But in isolation and solitude you can save yourself,
so listen to the silent messages hidden in your grief.
These are the messengers who bring the secrets to your cure,
lose yourself in the tranquillity and serenity of silence.
In silence everything begins to make sense,
let it weave it's magic and bring you back to peace.
Silent One. 9 August 2015
He cloaked her skin
with a dark silk gown
made of tattered wings
neath the hunter' skies
He covered her hair
with a mourning veil
Upon her face
his hands did play
the vacant gaze
the secret pains
His brush did paint
the monaliza's eyes
upon her lips
he carved a smile
with no expressions
of what one is to behold
Secret whispers still untold
Ghostly mist will keep on lingering
in the silence of her soul
There she stares
from the old portrait
Would somebody let her go?
Was this the girl who entered his dream?
Did he paint her pain?
Was she the same?
Lush lips that couldn't smile
Sullen eyes that couldn't lie
telling of strife
unable to bloom
sheltered from the light
Was he to save her?
Thoughts echoed in his mind
Is he her savior?
Will he fly to her side?
Will he be her star that shines?
the portrait calls
save me, come save me
Daddy, why did you go away,
Don't you know I wanted you to stay!
Daddy, when you left mom,
Don't you know you left me too.
Now all I do is cry and cry
--- I want to die!
Daddy, mommy say's it's better this way,
What does she know!
There's not enough band-aids to cover up the blues
Mom's kisses can't heal this kind of pain.
Daddy, I look around
No one stands in your garage
Daddy, You took every tool
Except the hammer and sitting stool
Daddy, I still miss you
--- I love you.
Dear Daddy, I'm all grown up now
Haven't seen you since I was 10
Daddy, I sit on your favorite chair,
No longer do I miss the way you caressed my hair.
Daddy, I'm taking the old hammer and this BRAND NEW saw,
It's time to patch all the holes mom punched in the wall
*The day you walked out on us*
Daddy, don't worry about the times I tripped and fell
Mom, found someone to fix the loose boards,
Got tired of scraping my knees
Daddy, I finally realized I'm okay,
I agree with mom, it's better this way.
I stare at my ceiling,
I start to wonder, why am I not healing?
Then it dawns on me,
The nightmare clip starts to roll.
I shake and shiver and wince at every little thing.
I'm scared to death,
What does this all mean?
I start to cry,
I feel as if I might die.
Then I grab my blade,
The tears come quicker.
My breath starts to quicken,
My grip on the blade makes my knuckles turn white.
In the mirror is where I see that my ivory skin is now blotchy and red.
I tell myself, "This may be the last time, if you finally cut deep enough."
So I try my best not to make a sound
As I sit up in bed and hold my wrist out in front of me.
I count to three,
I put the blade to my wrist.
I start to add pressure.
I yank the blade across my skin,
It pierces and then I start to bleed.
I suddenly want it to stop,
But there's no going back now.
I wonder why it came to this,
I know nobody cares about me,
I know nobody is going to forget me.
Quietly I say, "I'm sorry."
But nobody is there,
No one will ever be.
I start to fade out of this world,
My addiction would finally be gone,
And so would I.
I was lost,
Lost and angry.
Suddenly, it was gone,
I woke up screaming.
The pain was oh-so real.
A WISH -- In Memory Of
I wish I could blow air into your little lungs,
The day my daughter brought your stillborn body into this world.
Hold your little body warm,
And tell my little girl you have her cute little nose....
Count your little fingers, and kiss your little toes....
I could look into your daring eyes,
Facing a little boy, who's ready for this world
I could tell my daughter you have her beautiful brown eyes...
Sadly, it’s not like that.
How can I tell my daughter everything will be all right?
When a piece of my heart was stolen with her's,
When giving birth to her son, my grandson
March 25, 2013---- How it Hurts!
O’ how I wish, you entered this world crying
Instead, we're the ones left in tears of sorrow
How I wish you could be,
And not this feeling you left inside
How I wish, God could explain why o' why o' why?
Mostly, I WISH grandma could fix this and make
your mommy feel, the joy she was robbed of.
In memory of my grandson: ---Bael Lesley G.
Born March 25, 2013 --- RIP March 25, 2013
Listen to the silence
the silent ... nothing
Silent screams of pain
loneliness that is currently
and loneliness luggage tomorrow
Slowly creeps into darkness
shadows as an eternal companion
The total feeling of emptiness, disappointment and sorrow
A longing for tenderness, touch and love
The butterflies are gone ... they've flown their way
Left me here alone - abandoned the covenant of love
Tears fall like silent thunder
Loneliness and fear behind the mask
The mask falls when the tears come
The silence of tears and sorrow
Swollen, teary and red eyes
Trying to catch a ray of angelic light
A-L Andresen :)
This battle brews inside me
The pain I feel in my heart ripping it apart
And my soul who wants to be redeemed
The movement of my pen beats in my chest
In my veins my words flow like the rage of rivers in storm
I’m caught in these lyrics that Awaken my soul
That cry out for eternity
Yet my heart is trodden
at times I swear it is not beating
Our hearts rose up like kindred knights ready to defend our land
but the soul was fulfilling its destiny
it would not be beaten, no matter…
it had awakened to truth
but our hearts knew only torment
and could not understand
all that was happening,
that God had a plan
so my pain exposes itself
in my thoughts manifesting to script
as it beats in my chest with a rhythmic pulse
that brings me to my knees
We had no time to prepare
Only to fight
Flailing around Hope
With all of our might
as if it were the weapon that would save us from our enemy
for that’s all we had was our sword of Hope
This battle we were not prepared for.
Like a sneak attack, it caught us in slumber
when the army of death ascended upon our world
my heart said I love you
you are my universe and life has no meaning without you
I will fight till my shallow breath abates
Till your soul takes the last blow...
And I did!
We did not surrender
We had no chance
Our hearts fought a losing battle
My awakened soul shouts out with acceptance…
“you will one day know the reason, but not now”
For this is your time to experience
what was lovingly bestowed upon you from our God,
who knows what we need
So now I write from my pain… It helps me to cope…
It is the sword I carry…
My only Hope
Knowledge gained liberates or mutilates.
Ramifications of reality’s realm reached
make your insides want to abandon the body ship.
Rocking back and forth as you hurl dry acidic pain
expelled by the force of shell shocked lucidity:
You’re not good enough to be loved.
Breathing in is treason.
Your heart demands release of life’s lease.
On the kitchen floor
crumpled dreams drag to prostrate form.
Every reason to stay is obliterated.
Ascorbic failures scream.
Heart blood transforms to salty rivulets.
Self-loathing usurps the throne of belief.
"Appeasement sacrifice,” it sagely suggests…
For someone for whom love is cell oxygen
grey matter food
supreme soul sustenance,
life without full bodied Love is death.
Might as well...
Cowardice cackles and goads….
The cut isn’t deep enough.
Red streaked line mockery of mental hell feels
abhorrence breathing between the sobs
that one hears …
No one hears
Troubled mind has drained desirability’s delight.
Not strong enough to live not strong enough to die,
you are spent…
Silence begs to benumb,
yet a reminder remains.
The thorn of truth finds a home.
Embedded in my side,
it won’t be denied.
it is unseen by naked eye-
exposed to the naked heart.
With every movement of love making
matrimonial mattress yet exudes
the faint scent of virginal dreams...
It digs in deep.
Nothing will change.
YOU cannot change.
You are unlovable.
You're troubled and troubling brain
takes beauty down to notch of insane.
Give it all away.
Lavish and ravish.
Obsessively bid for love
while you auction respect away,
but herein is the cursed truth:
You are not good enough to be loved.
You never were.
You never will be.
For Charlotte's Heart and Soul Contest
September 2, 2014
Mother, don't cry for me,
my time has come.
Wipe away your tears,
I will always be your son.
I will never forget the sacrifices,
you made when I was young.
Although I won't be there,
my spirit will always be watching over you.
My brother, please don't lose hope,
my legacy will always live on.
Look after those close to you,
now you are their rock.
My sister, please don't be sad,
in my short life, you gave me so much love.
I hope my distant memories,
always bring a smile to your face.
Oh my beloved, please don't wait,
I hope you can love again.
I know your heart is broken,
but we will meet again.
My children, so this is goodbye,
I only breathed for you,
and even after my last breath,
my love will never end.
Even though I will be gone,
you will never be forgotten.
Nothing lasts forever,
everything we love, we lose.
Pain was the only thing,
that reminded me I'm alive.
Now that I don't feel any pain,
It must be the end...
That Day, Life Crushed
I was resting on a lake dock that was in deep decay
it ran fifty yards out into the seamless water
that day my baby brother had went to swim with his friends
a normal summer day that shone with splendor
and peaceful was the soft blowing wind
only fate was awake and moving ever foward
there I was in peaceful solitude , resting
gazing at the lapping waves as they spoke
ignorant of what had taken place only moments before
the passing of a young and promising life, my brother
sun still beamed, wind still blew and life changed
a truck came racing across the bridge
I saw my best friend waving at me franticly
then I heard, I knew tragedy had befallen somebody
somebody I loved dearly
Moments later, the force of truth crushed me into a ball
it was as I feared, a death, an unimaginable horror
my baby brother was dead, my fourteen year old baby brother
gone, gone , gone!
Electric current had destroyed his life
destroyed my life, sent me into a seven year rage
I said my goodbyes in a quiet rage and vowed that God,
God would pay for this!
And so it began a terrible journey into a dark abyss
one that consumed and slowly ate my soul
my soul it ate with relish and glee
I became a punisher of God!
Yes, such misery did I heap out by the bucket
by the ton and ate it's glory until-
Seven years later, light came into me as I slept
I woke one morning to find that the one punished was ME!
God had told me but I refused to hear
Now I heard and that truth crushed me again!
The road back took time but seven long years was over!
life returned, joy returned!
Majestic love returned to reclaim it's treasure-- my soul!
My soul rejoices to this day,
this day I see God stayed with me as I ran away!
I, he that runs no MORE!
Robert J. Lindley 06-30-2014
My first ever write about my brother, Billy Joe Lindley
fourteen year old and the girls adored him,
that summer electrocuted by a faulty electric pump at a
friend's house by the river.
1976, I think about him every day since, he was an angel compared
to me and why, why did I live!
Wondrous of many blessings.
Smiling never a frown.
My prayers, Lord, are suddenly being ignored.
I've taken a tumble of fallen down
Lord, my life was plain and simple
How did it come to this?
Lord, now I carry a burden so deep
A torn up life not easy to fix
Hard to get my prayers before I sleep
Bleeding only internally!
Feeling very minutely!
God, have you deserted me or is it me who deserted you?
God, my Lord, my savior, how could you abandon me?
Must I drown in my own sorrow?
Must I wake up like this today and tomorrow.
Why have you left me, or is it me who left you?
God, I need you like never before.
When I wake up,
When I head out the door.
Tormented in a mood ring of stock
Heavily my tears hit the floor.
God, do you not feel me, or is it me who no longer feel you?
God, what is your plan for me?
What things did I not see?
I asked for you to forgive me in my ways of sin.
Why do you let him provoke me?
Lord, I forbid for him to win.
Relieve me from his gutless pain.
God, do you not believe me, or is it me who no longer believe in you?
God, do you not hear my call
My pitiful excuses make me weak and small
In your eyes, I no longer feel tall
I remain cursed in every single fall
Lord, only you can break this wall
Do you not see me on my knees
Must I beg and crawl?
I am at your mercy, crying out with grief
Open the path to the lighted hall
O' Lord, the day you judge me before your throne
Please tell me it was a lesson for me to stand up on my own
God for now I will end this talk
With the dignity to never look back
I ask if you were there on my endless journey of a relentless walk?
sometimes i talk to myself,
my mind is racing,
i dont know what to do...
so hard to explain.
depression isn't a stage
or a faze some kids go through
it shatters you...
i saw it all.
she cried silent in her bed,
blood stains covered her favorite jeans,
her every shirt,
long sleeve ofcourse...
she suffered through it all with few people to call friend
and more to call enemy
even more to say where quite dissappointed....
her first name in school,
not started by a bully
or a mean rival,
but by her sister,
and it echoed through her soul,
repeating in her mind... over and over again,
like the ripples of still water
when a pebble is dropped
flash frozen in time
over and over again...
It was the first name they gave her,
millions where created over the years,
some repeating again, just as the first had..
gothic they called her,
emo, fat, ugly....worse things.
but in her mind, things where worse.
everything was repeating,
over and over again,
finally she believed it.
she asked for help, from everyone
tried to explain to parents she wasnt well,
got called a psycho for asking to see a theripist,
not from a teacher,
not from a class mate,
but from her own father, who wouldn't, couldn't,
believe there could possibly be a thing wrong....
finally, crying, she confessed her bloody secret to a teacher.
rather then giving her time,
she is sent back to class crying her eyes out, as if she wherent going through enough...
she is sent to the principals office a few minutes later, after breaking down in class...
the princlipal says she needs help,
sends her and her dad for a risk evaluation,
her dads crying as she shows him her cuts...
they walk into a hospital room,
it smells of chemicals and hand sanitizer,
the lady at the desk gives her a smile.
then she goes into a room with a lady,
her cheeks are sunken in and shes wearing way too much makeup,
the girl is gaging on her perfume,
and she looks really intimidating....
her dark brown hair looks dead and flat
even though its a bit wavy,
and she wears somewhat of a mocking frown.
asks her all these questions,
is mommy beating her?
is daddy raping her?
is she doing drugs?
is anyone beating her?
did anyone molest her?
oxcarbezapine, trazadone, citalipran, clinazapam, colonipan,
valium, lithium, more.......
and thats what they gave her,
some numbed the pain
some brought it out
tearing through her organs,
she became an addict by the time she was fourteen....
over dose after over dose
some for pleasure
some for pain,
gashes on her legs getting deeper,
this time she didnt tell a soul,
not even those she had come to call friends....
wakeup she screamed in her head over and over again
as she dropped weight like it was nothing....
you cant controll it she argued as things became worse.
at age fourteen she attempted suicide,
she didnt quite succeed.
the medication took away her aappitite....
she liked it
she hated her body
felt out of controll
found a new way to cope
as she shoved tooth brush after toothbrush down her throat
to keep her body from nuitrients...
as she whent weeks and weeks spitting food into napkins and making excuses
I ate at my friends house....
spoken as a whisper
heard like a sentance
echoing in her mind over and over again,
along with that word, all the words,
ugy, anoying, stupid, fake, worthless, nothing...
one bite she would say
rocking back and forth
craving nothing but food
her body racked with hunger pain
one bite and there she was again
over and over and over again
back to a toothbrush
this time she sees blood
she saw her ribs
she saw her bones,
it wasnt good enough,
she almost died, again....
choking on this deep dissappointment in herself,
gaging on everything they where pushing down her throat,
their words, and their insults, their criticism.... their drugs
all shoved down her throat like candy
and just as she was was trained to do she swallowed despite the bad taste
or the hurt
or the fact that at the rate she was going she would be dead soon...
and you know why?
because daddy yelled
and couldnt accept what was happening
not because he wanted to hurt her
but because it hurt him,
and she let him believe,
because she could take the hurt if it meant he didnt have too.
because mommy didnt want to sit in her room all day
practically having us raise ourselves,
she didnt mean to take anger, or frustration or hurt out on her daughter
she suffered everyday in her solitary confinement,
and from a young age she accepted her bedroom was the cage
her mother had created for herself.
because sister didnt want to effect her the way she did
she was just frustrated
fed up with the way things where
scared, she needed someone to take her cruelty
and to help heal her pain...
because people in school
who where so cruel
had to have learned from somewhere
and she wasnt going to play into their games,
and they knew she was an easy target
because she would never attack someone so weak
and she accepted her suffering was a sacrafice
to help all these people....
to help her dad,
every person who was beaten abused or hurt
and felt so weak at home they wanted to feel strong in the one safe place they had.
because depite the fact she had died inside,
and almost passed away on the out,
it was a saccrafice she was willing to make
so that no one else would have to feel that kind of pain,
and they all inflicted it and broke her down'untill there was nothing left but a shell
of somthing that could have been
and never had the chance
because she would take it and wouldnt strike back,
because sometimes "just taking it"
isnt so much about the weakness not to do anything
but about the strangth not to hurt others the way they hurt you...
Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad.
Sometime I sing, sometimes I stammer
Sometimes I dance on the music of my soul, Sometimes I dance on the fingers of
one single person
Sometimes I expect so much from others; sometime I myself can’t meet my own
Sometime I make fun of others and feel bad later, sometimes life makes fun of me
and I smile
Sometime I win and sometimes I lose, sometimes I don’t even understand whether I
won or lost.
Sometimes I laugh as if whole world is with me,
Sometimes I cry as if I am alone wandering in a strange land
Sometimes I give up so easily
Sometimes I work so hard that no one can stop me to achieve what I want
Sometimes I am dynamic person, who wants to change the world,
And sometimes I am a kid who expects anyone to embrace him tightly.
Sometimes I feel happy about the achievement of my enemy
Sometime I feel dejected with my own success.
Sometimes I help others and show them the right path
Sometimes I feel totally helpless and don’t know where to go
Sometimes I ask god to please give my past back
Sometimes I pray to show me the way forward
Life is composed of SOMETIMES and I just flow with that.
U admit or not but you are also sailing on the same boat.
So join me and enjoy it EVERYTIME as SOMETIMES life is very short!
I wrote the story of my life
in a letter but the words
shattered like fragments of
ancient pottery and the ink
melted in the summer sun
Life pricks at our veneer
chipping away one fleck at a time
yet we keep flying straight into it
like kamikaze moths mesmerized
by a candle flame incessantly
hoping the next strike will have
different results The thorns
of life poke and prod our bodies
leaving pinpoint holes for our
souls to seep through but
thorns eventually have roses
to soothe our wounds
with their softness
From my book, Faith Like A Dandelion
He is now a band of sky,
a bird, a cloud, a stream of blue
drifting by in midafternoon,
a dragonfly, a butterfly, a speck of light dancing by,
an abandoned sheet of loose leaf paper
with a poem scribbled on it, or maybe
a grape ripening on the vine
sweetening to perfection in the summer sun;
he is now a feeling deepening, gravity, energy, peace, commotion, the tide –
forever August, forever June…
an ocean wave never reaching the shore (the sand and sun evermore),
a smile, a tear, laughter that never ends,
a child’s open, inquisitive mind, a friend, the welcoming voices of home,
the cracks in the walls holding my secrets,
the comfort of a favorite blanket or familiar pair of warm arms.
Perhaps, he’s eternal summer, youth running with ease
in his favorite shorts and flip-flops, hair sun-bleached tumbling free,
or perhaps, he is one feather floating high on the ocean breeze.
I often see his face in rain clouds mixed with tears,
singing the Grateful Dead or a great hymn.
He is the music forever playing in my ear and
the sweet tropical air filling my lungs;
He lives in the cozy log cabin in a clearing of pines
and the largemouth bass jumping from the lake at dawn’s break,
He’s the tortoise sunning on the shore, the buck running wild,
the heartbeat of a father holding his baby for the first time,
the joy of my morning, the pain of night,
and the wind calling my name, dancing with the leaves on the trees…
he is the trees, the air, he is in my eyes and theirs.
He is in Heaven but his love is everywhere.
Written, 3/7/15 for The Pain of Night Contest
A true poet knows
What is the pain of another poet!
Poem-writers don't understand the gravity.
They make a noise.
SANDIP GOSWAMI, INDIA
(The poem is dedicated to the honorable administrators of Poetry Soup)
Forever, our love lingers in the air all around -
The smell of fresh paint lingers in my nose, in the air.
Crisp sheets lay smooth untouched with hospital corners.
I dreamt I held you in our bed.
A king-sized bed is too big for one.
Wedding gifts are strewn across our dining room table.
I dreamt we ate there together as man and wife -
candlelit dinners and meals with laughing children.
Dreams that will never come true.
(I dread the nights, long hours alone pass slowly.)
A family room quietly sits alone without a family.
(I wrestle sleep in fear of dreams darker than my loss.)
A yard waits outside for a garden that will never be planted.
(I forget the day, the month, even the year
you left without warning,)
Nothing is as it seems; only my flowing tears are real tonight.
(but oh, how in the darkness, I remember too well the moment,
down to the second of my silent screams -)
Forever love lingers in the air all around –
(twisted thoughts, face contorted)
A new home, a new marriage, but one of us is only here in spirit.
(in pain like no other pain I had ever felt
while holding what once was you.)
Only one returned from our honeymoon…
In light of day, I turn to stone.
I wish it was me who died that dark night.
(Then, night comes haunting me like a ghost)
The doctors said nothing could be done.
(too weighted with evil to rise.)
A silent death stole you from sleep and me
while I slept next to you.
(Behind closed lids, I am the torero impaled by satan’s horns)
Nothing could be done…a beginning and an end.
(searching for God in the final breath)
Forever love lingers in the air all around –
(Again, screams cannot escape from my choking lungs.)
Now our dream home is for sale. The dream is gone.
(My heart breaks like shattered glass)
I cannot bring myself to sleep in our bed
so I make up the couch tonight….again.
(the shards racing – tearing through my veins.)
My heart calls out for you; my arms reach out for you.
(Red eyed and weary I wait for a hollow sun to harden my heart again.)
Life changes in a moment.
(I would rather be numb than suffer through tortures of night.)
I taste your lips on mine.
I smell you, see you, hear your voice whispering my name.
Forever love lingers in the air all around. –
(I dread the nights, long hours alone pass slowly.)
Your touch lingers tonight...
with the smell of fresh paint.
By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders, 2/16/15
For Craig's Intermingle Contest
2 poems revised and intermingled are Fresh Paint (6/29/2012) and Shackled In the Dark (1/18/15)
The tears continued to bottle,
all the time I was with you.
the heart wrenching broken chains,
you kept putting me through.
The bottle continually grew,
salt infused tears dripping to the top.
As time went on
the bottle never went away.
It continued to sit there,
slowly dripping on the scars left
from the pain.
The salt burned my soul,
letting it hard to let go,
continuing to make the scars
never grow old.
As the bottle began to overflow
into my darkened soul,
I couldn't keep the tears in,
it shattered deep in my heart.
The tears poured across my skin,
causing the pain to grow and grow,
all I could do to get rid of it
was to embrace the pain I felt.
Let this fester to a new world in my mind;
let the anger from the disappointment grow.
As the moment snapped,
the time stood still for one moment's release.
Freedom now I feel!
The moment's consequences were worth it,
the bottle will never refill,
and forever cracked it will be.
My tears will never drop,
because you will never contact me!
Thank God that I have been set free!
She is, exactly what he wanted to see
His erotic fantasy
Every teenage boys playboy bunny dream
Look at how you come onto me
Lost, destroyed soul is all i will ever see
U disgust the innermost,
deepest feelings in me
She is the beauty queen
The one from your dreams
She doesn't even look like she bleeds
Imagine how she screams...
Perfect without a flaw
Take her on the wall
Have her spread all over the floor
Dont even close the door
Look at what you all came here for
Destroy her pride
Till shes got nowhere left to hide
Give her your might once more
Until she cannot take it anymore
Look into the eyes of all your lies
Realize every hurt you've given in your life
This is your whore
& now shes all bloody and sore
The same girl next door,
that u begged for more
You've burnt your soul to the core
A deed done
With blood on your hands
Listen, to your screaming fans
Shes just one of those,
that you used to love
You stole all her fairy dust
and turned it into lust.
In an abyss of mar;
I was sunk.
My thoughts swimming;
in a pool of masquerade shame.
A dagger in my head;
All I could see was an evening of score.
With a flip of a hand;
Like an angered red dragon.
I breathed fire and redemption;
In the midst of rage and terror.
I had blood on my hands;
All I could hear was a cry from the soil.
In a faction of a second;
My heart had raced.
Thoughts crumbled with confusion.
A wanderer in the desert of oz.
My legs felt like shattered glass.
And all I could think was vengeance.
He had tainted her hands;
Abused them in pain.
She had screamed inside.
A caged animal in a circus.
Unfamiliar territory scared her.
And all I could excrete were tears dry.
With a bow he had decorated her.
A misdeed he did.
It was physical for him,
Emotional damage for her.
Humanity lost inside a cave of bats and bears.
And all I could hear were screams.
Murder she wrote; the opposite.
Beauty like a bunch of roses; yes.
Heart like a garden of roses; yes.
A cactus environment she delved;
With eyes wide shut.
All I could hear were whispers.
With pique like that of a tiger.
I bore teeth, muscle and archery.
Blinded by a trim cloth of red.
A knight’s tale it foretold.
He had hurt my offspring.
All I could see was night.
Emotionally; I covered him with guilt.
Overt, I smeared him with shame.
Physically I scathed him; barbarian.
A man’s title he does not deserve.
Physically I had marked him for the world to see.
And all I could still see was darkness.
He had hurt my offspring.
All I could see was red.
Remembering the sorrow
Remembering the pain
The time had come, I had come undone
I came unglued
I released my heart to you
I stopped holding back
not being brave
My heart under attack
All those hours
All those lies
Pretending to show my heart
but really hiding inside
No one knows the cries
Hidden behind darkened eyes
Thoughts of goodbyes
Why did I try
What good is a future
If haunted by the past
Lost, scared and alone
This heart needed a home
Aimlessly searching, which way shall it go
Finally softened by breezes
that blew in from the unknown
A beat that was lost
Getting stronger each day
To have and to hold
Once dead it springs new
You've saved me my peach
You know I love you
Darkness Wraps My Pain
I was born to this flesh
A slayer in pain
No regret, no remorse
Gold and pleasure my gain
I never wanted love
Nor did I want joy
I found death a trip
Where I once was open
Now I hide in darkness
A slayer of souls
Seeker of agony on all
Ageless shadows grace
My tomb within hell's
Ripping dungeons that
Eat the screams of
Torn bodies and cut
Out hearts scattered on
The blood soaked floors
I was born a slayer
A slayer that delights
In agony wrapped in anguish
his, hers , yours
give me a choice I
05, 23 1980
note: This is from long ago.
A very dark time in my life.
Must have been wasted because
no ryhme.. lol
Pain covered by beauty,
Standing behind a mirror of myself,
Cut deeply by the shattering pieces as my true self emerges.
Behold the truth that lies behind my placid eyes,
The heart wrenching pain hidden by my laugh,
I am what this world has made me to be,
Cruel, Angry, Torn.
Seeking answers in my mind,
I feel there is no tangible hope.
I cannot grasp what i have never trully believed to be there.
I can only sit and wait for the inevitable,
I can only sit and wait with no one but my shadow beside me,
Reminding me how dark this world can be.
Embittered at what my once joyful life has turned into,
A blaze of hate and sorrow consumes me entirely,
Until I am forced to relinquish the pain and tears built up inside me.
At that moment I am rendered helpless,
I open my eyes only to find myself embattled.
These enemies of mine are not human but the result of what they have caused.
One day there was an accident, and to heavens gate I was called.
As an angel sat down beside me, upon the bed I had been put upon.
Such a shining warmth ensued as it held me in its thrall.
A thought from God proclaimed, “What with your life have you done?”
Then all of life fled past me, but not as I did expect to see it done.
For all I saw and felt were things I hadn’t known I had done, and yet…
So much pain inflicted to each, with such little words and thoughts.
I never would have known such power, by one person, could be wrought.
I bowed my head in shame at the pain I knew I could not undo, yet…
Suddenly, I found myself forgiven. Yes, TRULY it was true!
Hallelujah became my amazed and impassioned cry before him, that night!
His warmth had never wavered, nor even his illustrious, wonderful light.
How could he forgive me, someone as wretched and lowly as I?
And yet, he did… and so he changed my life from then on out.
But low and behold he wasn’t yet done with me, or so my story goes…
He sent me back to my home again… it in comparison brought me low.
But he said my work lay uncompleted, so now I must go back…
He said to stay clean and I would blossom… What do you think of that?
A veil he placed upon my eyes to remove me from the knowledge of all I’d known.
Then he sent me from his side, where I could not see him but knew he was.
Now, here I stand before you, a totally changed and humbled one.
Still, I have found I have sinned again… I know he must have known.
Perhaps some day, as I patiently wait… I’ll be allowed once more within his gate.
Only time will tell, as again I’ll feel every ones pain…
All I can say is: God Forgive Me… as I continue to wait…
(This Near Death experience really happened and changed my life.)
The one he promised you
That white picket fence
Light flooded rooms
A swing on a tree in the front yard
I'm sure he did
To fill it with laughter
It was where you were both supposed to dream
The gathering place of love
yet from the beginning
It was a place of pretend
A dark fairy tale
Wrapped in a pretty shell
In perfectly beautiful lines
Curving away from you
Then the cracks appeared
Spreading with his lies
You so desperately wanted to trust those eyes
Thinking he was different from other guys
Not wanting to see beyond his disguise
No amount of renovations
Can repair the cracks
The essence of you under attack
A beautiful dream painted black
Put it together again
Your home that place of pain
Helpless you watch it crumble
Forced to walk away from it all
The cracks too many it has to fall
You have your answers
You hold your head tall
You see a future beyond shattered wall
Still you wonder
Will you one day find
Your happily ever after
Will the dreams you hold ever matter
Will your tears turn to laughter
Fairy tales are not enough
You deserve a foundation made of better stuff
Beyond your broken
You find your dream
Both our prayers
He gives you to me
Self harming is a shipwreck
anchored in deep depression.
And happiness, but a ghost
that’s fleeting and elusive.
Victims of abuse, reject
trite platitudes of pity.
For the pain they feel is real,
lingering inside for years.
Shards of insanity cut
And alter reality,
Sparked by emotional need
adrenalin ignites nerves.
And only cutting can dull
the edge of anxiety.
The pounding beat of your heart,
accompanies blade to flesh.
And yet for a chance to feel,
you entertain submission.
Relief regulates the flow
of fire fleeing from your vein.
And you somehow come alive,
as endorphins numb the pain.
This One’s for You
By Dane Smith-Johnsen
Wherever you are, when life seems hopeless,
And your scrambled essence screams inside out.
The pain wrenches it’s own form of anguish.
Head harrowing, distant dreams devoured
Fear asks, “Why me? Dear God, why me? Why me?
Release the throbbing hurt; control moments.
Revive the tranquility once within.
Just for a moment, wait upon the Lord.
Let Him hold you. Do you sense His presence?
Never give up on God; share your sweet soul.
All around. See the wonder of Creation.
The beauty prepared for you. Please partake.
Preclude pain. Spotlight God for a moment
He can bequeath irresistible joy.
Never give up on God, spill your sweet soul.
Permit the fear to disappear; hear God.
Cast off your pain in Jesus’ Holy name.
Listen quietly for a little while.
Hear Him; sense the mighty comfort He gives.
Trust His strength to help you and heal your heart.
“When we fall in love,
We’re just falling…
In love with ourselves,
We’re Spiraling” ~Keane
Speak, and forever hold me in chaos
For I will sift my way through the toughest stains of your heart
Clipping words in your anger,
You call upon me once again
And with soft words, I reply in disembodiment
So that you may fulfill your frustrating thoughts
And you say to me, almost coldly,
“Please, speak up!”
Shall I hold you in your frustrations,
To give my unnecessary say?
What shall I speak of,
To blow your demons away?
Speak, up or down, my friend
For my love for you goes beyond my hate for me
Stopping my heart from happiness,
You call upon me time and time again
And with brutal words, you listen in pieces
So that I may sink into my absorbing softness again
As I say to you, so gently,
“Please, go on…”
Will you hold me when I weep?
When my mysterious silence disturbs you?
Or will you continue to speak,
As my demons devour me?
Confusion seeps in,
Next comes doubt.
Is this happiness,
Is this what love is all about?
Please tell me i'm wrong,
tell me its all in my head.
Darling I cant fight,
my thoughts win on this bloody night.
My hand finds the knife,
my mind whispering that nothing is all right.
the mirror broke in front of me,
i'm counting my breath.
I'm falling fast now,
the blade is weeping.
You're haunting my reflection,
the devil here for collection.
God forgive me,
I plunge the knife into the glass,
my body erupts in pain,
the knife plunged like a rock,
into this broken vein.
I heard the deep laughs,
I heard satan sing.
With one final scream
I greeted Hells eternity.
Kill me if you will, Tear me apart,
Rip open the cords,
That hold closed my heart.
Grab my love by fistfuls,
Take away its air,
Drown me in the river,
If you must then it is fair.
Stab me, twist the knife please,
Choke me, make me bleed.
You can hurt me,
You can scare me,
But I can't go away.
She broke your heart,
Ripped you apart,
But I love you anyway.
And all the memories,
Of dancing in the dark,
Hold me enraptured in my dreams.
I will live in the past,
It's my reward - its my punishment,
For leaving you with these feelings.
For not being enough,
For loving you,
This is what I deserve.
But as long as I can help you,
As long as I can help you heal,
Im in for the long haul,
Even if you cant feel.