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Free Verse Humorous Poems | Free Verse Poems About Humorous

These Free Verse Humorous poems are examples of Free Verse poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Free Verse Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Free verse | |

To all the heart-breakers- -a ZOMBIE valentine poem-

Wouldn't you rather~

Wouldn't you rather~ be dead?
Maybe shoot yourself in the head?
Over my dead body, I would never want to be a zombie like you.
The sight of your limbs are rotten all the time.
Sorry that the sight of you looks like a 3 legged swine.
So go ahead and do us a all favor, 
hide and stash yourself away from all your neighbor. 
I think i'd rather have my eyes stuck with glue
So I won't have to look at you
When it comes to family friends, you ain't got none.
Your always gonna be called the lonely retarded one.
Who could ever love a face like yours.
not even your mother can see pass your gore's 
No need for privacy when you pee
Go ahead and take a leak and drown yourself in the sea.
Don't think for one second you are irresistible 
Love making with a zombie is impossible.

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

The time to kill yourself is at hand.
Slicing your wrist is what we recommend.  
Cut off your tongue, don't want to hear you squeal.   
Blood all over, your face is no big deal
A sword or machete will only pick up the pace
I wanna see your guts pop out your mid-waist 
Contaminated objects is a must
Anything to remove your face of disgust.
The easy part is the best
Once you are gone we will all feel blessed,
The flaw of your existence  
Is what keeps us all in distance 

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head

Close your eyes and die
No one wants to hear you cry
You said you wanted to be loved
believe me~ your better off unloved
I say go do yourself off
Anyways you've always had it rough...
Go ahead and scream
This is not a dream
Now see how you make me feel
All I want is for you to end your ugly ordeal.
I will praise this day of course
Knowing soon you'll be a rotting corpse.

happy valentine ~ TO: All My DEADBEAT X-es from Texas..


Details | Free verse | |

I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN

One look at you – that’s all it took Those long long legs that seem to go on forever Those eyes staring at me All I feel for you is revulsion Hate – it’s a horrible word but I simply detest you There is no place for you in my life Goodbye So I flushed the spider down the plughole 26th March 2015


Details | Free verse | |

Bah Bah Black Sheep I Am Slamming You Nathan D

Bah Bah Black Sheep I Am Slamming You Nathan D 

I know you think you’re so tough with your words in the rough 
You keep your poems tucked in underwear and you won’t share  
Let me tell you Lil Bub my attitude is BIG, so here’s de rub,  
I’m going to scratch you like a cat 
When you come close for de pat;  
And Yo! God got no ears, 
For your small condensed tears;
Next time you lash your tongue and whip, you cum on wit no hip 
Bah bah black sheep, you ain’t gonna pull de wool off me pip
I like to mentally infuriate you 
And yes I like my milk fat free 
Yeh I got you’re number you 
And no I ain’t sniffin no glue 
It is called “SLAM POETRY”
And as for keeping your poetry all to yourself, well go to hell 
Where the devil will give you a pitchfork, dig what you can’t sell!
Cause I ain’t digging me no hole for empty air 
So fork it out Nathan D, lay out bare, 
Cuz I’m not muckin with you just for fun, I think you Rock 
Like third rock from the sun
I like you’re quip, you son of a gun! 


Details | Free verse | |

AISLE SEA EWE

Early in the mourning she rose She wood fined her boat Wear she rose across the see two the sure Their she mustard all her mite And toad the boat on the beech Butt if the thyme was write she tide it two a boy She could hardly weight Four she nose she will sea her suite sun They wood sit on a bolder, brake sum bred Then they eight a hole pair Her sun called her a deer He tolled her when he urns enough doe Ore got sum tacks witch was dew He wood by her a flour at the bizarre Witch could be tide in her hare The cent of the rows wood bee sew sheikh One knight he said she wood prophet If she past buy a different root He new the currant could get ruff The whether was no longer fare and getting two chilli She road away into the missed Aisle meat ewe next weak he balled until he was horse He trussed he wood see her next weak Only Homo’s ‘Aloud’ – Jerry T Curtis 23rd March 2015


Details | Free verse | |

THANK GOODNESS IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR

Turkey so dry that I can’t speak Brussel sprouts boiled for a week Roast potatoes burnt to a crisp Lumpy gravy I feel Sick Jan Allison 26th October Inspired by Andrea’s contest but not written for it!


Details | Free verse | |

I LOVE TO HATE YOU

Just one look at you Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me I hate the feelings you evoke Greed Desire Lust Just want to hold you, devour you I don’t want to see you go But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box! 9th March 2015 Contest – Love or Hate – Pick a subject - Shadow Hamilton I chose Love as my theme ~awarded 1st place~


Details | Free verse | |

MY FUNNY VALENTINE

Roses are red Violets are blue I’m up for a quickie Do you fancy one too? 13th February 2015


Details | Free verse | |

SLY FOX

~SLY FOX~

There you go again little Sly fox P.D.
Another game of tag and jeopardy.
Clever, clever, little fox so bloodthirsty.
Chaos roams through your veins of liberty.
You walk the ground, prancing around your hostility.
Marching down with the dignity of mis-guided anarchy.

I'm gonna hunt you smell end it well.
Hang you up from your trophy tail. 
Kiss your night one last farewell.
By morning dawn your foxy tail,
Won't live another tale to tell.

I'm gonna find ya' ~ pull your hideout from where you hide.
Smack you around in your everyday rebellious ways.
Thinking you can defeat my crowd with your lawlessness..
I don't need no hounds to track your unlivable Holy-mess.
You created a selfish character of kindness for the blindness.
You prey on the sheep's and linger on their wall of hopelessness. 
Your sinfulness grew from the boldness, and bitterness, 
Of growing up parent-less.
My dear Sly Fox are you on alert with your ears of nobleness.
Did you not hear me creeping while you were sleeping.

Sly fox the destroyer!

You are right, you are a mischievous game of hunt!
My trap is set and waiting for you by the river front.
Go ahead, take a drink, pull one last obnoxious stunt.
Run and run, as fast as you can!
You can't out run this one game of Skitty Skat fox hunt.....


~SKAT~
 
 


Details | Free verse | |

morning

MORNING

Good morning World.

Damn you!
and your warm
sunray fingers
prying open my eyes.

Robbing me of my
nocturnal fantasies,
my semiconscious bliss.

Leaving the remnants
of my peace 
and tranquillity
laying scattered across
my face and through
my hair.

Your rising light
shrinking the shadows
of my freedom.

I will not be seduced
by your clear blue promises.

For your pressing realities
already taste foul
in my mouth.

Leave me Morning
to my diminishing serenity.


I have performed this piece and it shows on you tube (I hope this works, if not try copying to your address bar):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egYjy4Iu5e8&feature=youtu.be
enjoy


Details | Free verse | |

DACHSHUND

Some folks call me a sausage dog I think they couldn’t be meaner It’s not my fault I’m long and short And look like a misshapen wiener I’ve got four stumpy little legs So my tummy is near to the ground My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk Guess that's why they named me Cigarette! 01~16~15 Contest: Dachshunds – Rob Carmack ~awarded 9th place~


Details | Free verse | |

BIRTHDAY BURNOUT

The fire brigade are on standby With their hoses in their hand For today it is my birthday My birthday cake is on a stand There are so many candles It is a health and safety risk So be ready with the hoses guys And make sure you get here quick! 25th January 2015


Details | Free verse | |

The Honey Diet


Anytime I feel hungry instead of eating a full meal I eat Honey. The best part is that Honey doesn't mind, she's a sweetheart. Maurice Yvonne 20~11~2014 The Refrain I bought a box of Animal Crackers. On the box it said "Do not eat if seal is broken" So I opened the box. I looked inside and sure enough... The Encore If a parsley farmer doesn't pay his bills can they garnish his wages? Closing Remarks There is a new virus. It has no symptoms and no consequences. I am terrified. It turns out I have been diagnosed with it. I am not a hypochondriac. I really do have it. If you don't believe me ask my Gynecologist! Maurice Yvonne 11~20~2014


Details | Free verse | |

Getaway Vacation

"Baby, this view is fantastic, 
Who knew what you could buy with plastic! 
With these credit cards, unlimited funds, 
Any regrets, heck no, baby I got none. 
Riding on an interest rate of twenty percent, 
Who cares, this is money well spent!" 
Says the thief who stole my purse from the rest stop location, 
One of the many tales of my no good, horrible road trip vacation. 
Riding down I-seventy five, heading to Mackinaw Island for a getaway, 
Me and my best boy beside me, taking an adventure, oh what a day. 
Construction just north of Detroit, that scary van is stopped to our right. 
Keeping my legs crossed, I might wet myself, will that be alright. 
He gives me a smile with a crooked left tooth and a wave with two fingers 
Push the gas pedal quick, the filthy dirty looks he is giving on me lingers. 

Put the pedal to the metal and off we go, not slowing down for no one 
Riding high in my seventy-three coupe de vile, the fun has just begun 
Didn't see that State Trooper hiding behind that sign, just past Auburn Hills 
Tried to out gun him with my 405, but he caught us just past the old mills 
"Son you are in a heap of a mess, speeding like Ricky Bobby in Talladega 
nights. 
Two choices, let me have a spin with your gal or I'll haveta read you your 
rights." 
After twenty minutes, we sped off not even looking in the rear view mirror 
Our vacation destination of Mackinaw Island was getting closer and clearer. 
It was smooth sailing, so we thought, as the night was getting dark. 
Find a hotel bed soon baby, we all are angst we missed our mark. 
The sign said two miles to Holiday Inn, But it’s already been nine. 
Comin’ up on us now is a big yellow Dead End road sign. 
Down this dirt road we skimming across freshly grated dirt. 
Could stop fast enough, deer crossing, don’t worry none got hurt. 

Baby this ride is exciting 
That’s what I’m supposed to be sayin’ 
But with my crosses on my neck, 
All these issues, dang I’m just prayin’ 
Ridin’ seventy five, with the wind in our hair. 
I don’t care how we do it, baby just get us there. 


Finally arrived in Mackinaw City, getting ready to board Shepler's Ferry
The line was long, the lake waves were high, we were saying Hail Mary's
The winds picked up, the skies drew dark. a storm had come without warning
The ferry turned around, couldn't go there now, not until the next morning.

We stayed in a run down, worn out cabin on the edge of the great lakes 
Wondering why these vacations always turn out to bring mistakes. 
But then I look in your eyes and you look deeply into my mine. 
And i know no matter where we go or what we do, everything turns out just 
fine.

Vacation Humor Contest
07/14/2014


Details | Free verse | |

WHEN THE DUST FINALLY SETTLES

Oh why oh why don't you clean your room I wish I had heeded my mother’s words For I’m sure many a mother has said this to their child But fate intervened and the dust still hasn’t settled - In fact I’ve not spoken to my mother for over a week Last weekend I met the man of my dreams – James Tall, dark and oh so handsome, like a young George Clooney His number was etched in the thick layer of dust on the dresser My mother took matters into her own hands She decided to dust and tidy my room HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME! His number is erased forever - I have no way of contacting him Guess I have learned a VERY valuable lesson NEXT time I meet someone … I will write his number in my diary! 25th February 2015 Fictional write for the Gathering Dust’ Contest - John Lawless


Details | Free verse | |

A POOR ME FOR THE AGES

A POOR ME FOR THE AGES

I was older      she was so young      I was stupid
But I was helpless      she flirted      threw me a smile
Oh, poor me      I melted      that look
That long, black hair      that perfume
Those eyes      that perfect bod      I was so lonely
No one understood me      oh, poor me
Didn’t like my job      job paid so well though
Wife left me      I started drinking
Smoked like a chimney      watched porn
Had such fantasies      why did she say yes?
Expensive dinner      wasn’t that good
And that necklace      money getting short
She called me sugar daddy      oh, poor me
She was such a flirt      she loved all men
Age didn’t matter      she has a new car
I paid for it      then I really was broke
Had to move      sold everything      she said, get lost
Lost my job      flop house was bad      
Cardboard box is worse      oh, poor, poor me
Old women shun me      dogs and cats shun me
Do I deserve this?      Oh well
That roach wasn’t bad      no bones

Dave Austin


Details | Free verse | |

OH HOW I LOVE HALLOWEEN

I hear the doorbell ring and I rush to answer it The heavy wooden door creaks and squeaks and groans My face is a ghostly white, you can only just see my eyes and mouth The children scream loudly and drop their bags of sweets in fright Terrified they flee down the path not pausing to look back I grab their sweets and quickly slam the door I dash to the bathroom Twenty minutes is up and its time to wash off my face pack Hee hee hee it works every year Jan Allison 5th October 2014


Details | Free verse | |

THE HIGH COST OF LOVE

Call me cynical Has anyone else noticed ……. All of a sudden The price of flowers and chocolates Rockets skywards high towards heaven Oh silly me its nearly Valentines Day! 12th February 2015


Details | Free verse | |

In My Professional Opinion

I stare at all the stars in the sky 
Like everlasting snowflakes 
No two are alike  
I wonder what god was thinking  
 Maybe they are just his 
Guidance and comfort 
Seeping through 
I look all the trees 
Wonder how many can there be 
Think about insects 
Their number and variety is bigger 
Then my ability to pronounce 
This must be gods 
Overactive imagination
Seeping through 
I watch my fellow humans
And all they are capable of 
Masters of both hate and love 
The material and physical 
And how they love to create 
I have come to the conclusion 
That this is all an allusion 
To god having O.C.D. 
Probably has multiple personalities 
And the devil 
Is just his paranoid schizophrenia 
Seeping through


Details | Free verse | |

I CAN'T RESIST YOU

He was lying there naked Tempting me – I wanted him oh so much Finally I could take no more I grabbed him mercilessly Popped him in my mouth I’ve never been able to resist eating Jelly Babies! 16th March 2015


Details | Free verse | |

this noisy head i live in

this noisy head i live in
it just never quiets down
theres some motherf#@ker screaming at two am
about some unpaid bills or parking tickets
and some other idiot going on and on about some girl that left
somebody is allways throwing trash out in the common area
little bits of some ancient relationship
small parts of some old mystery
just want to tell em all ''will you all please shut up"
stop that godawful freakin racket
some fool on the roof shouting poetry just when your drifting off to sleep
another idiot in the basement throwing monkey wrenches in the works
always somebody causing some kind of ruckus
just want to scream
"can we PLEASE get some peace and quiet for five minuets"
this crazy head i live in
i want to move
to some nice quiet country house
where you never hear a sound
peaceful with birds chirping
where i can get some rest
not this confounded noisy head i live in
not this apartment building of lunatics i call a mind


Details | Free verse | |

Just A Little Humour


This little old lady goes to the doctor and says...
 

"Doctor, I have this problem with passing  gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's silent. As a matter  of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been in your office.

You didn't know I was passing gas because it's silent and it doesn't smell.

The Doctor said, "I see. Take these pills and come back and see me in a week."

The next week the old lady comes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you  gave me but now my passing gas....although it's still silent, stinks terribly."

"Good" the Doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start working  on you hearing." 




Just a little funny joke to start your day, 
Now go out and enjoy it, seize the day xxx


Details | Free verse | |

HOLD ON DARLING - I'M COMING

He’s always waiting for me – he’s as impatient as can be The car engine is running - I shout ‘Darling I’m coming’ But we don’t need to be with mum until three! MEN! 30th March 2015


Details | Free verse | |

The Elephant in the Room

3 polished oak fans,
Swirling in robotic unison

High maintenance socialites,
Sipping on Merlot fallacies

Lemon yellow coated walls,
Flat,
Like their smiles

Comparisons of dangling Porsche & Bentley keys
A glorified day care center,
Pacifiers included

The muted virtuosos speak softly in hymn dialects.

Courtesy laughter in snob’s octave

Their heads twitching side to side,
Left to right to left

An equilibrium facing assault charges against self

They slow dance to cello dreams
And E minor dividends

Two-step monotone, sway
Against platinum lacquer foundations

…

But, it was then.

These same socialites,
Made of recycled candle wax
And rubberized, hedge-fund confidence,
Began to stare longingly at the party host’s 70 inch plasma TV

Proudly imported from China

“Attention uptight snobs of Mecca!
The city zoo has imploded!
The monkeys revolted!
The zebras were tired of being racially profiled!
Run for your LIV…!”
(SMASH!)

And before the reporter’s frightened inner child could finish’s his clause,
An elephant crashes into the decadent room
Filled with Crisp linen scents of Febreze & judgmental fear

It stares at the socialites,
Laughing heartedly as it playfully stomps away into constellation’s onyx night

As tears waterfall from the snobs’ sobbing eye sockets
As if they just listened to another Celine Dion song

The real newsflash

Metaphors played hooky today

©Drake J. Eszes


Details | Free verse | |

Gina the toilet cleaner

They call her big Gina
You'd know if you seen her
She is a toilet cleaner
She wears a white smock
Armed with bucket and a mop
She likes to keep things clean
And is a real scrubber
If you know what I mean
She whistles as she goes
With disinfectant wafting under her nose
She replaces toilet rolls
And cleans the toilet bowls
She really loves her job
She has a cat called Doris
And a husband called Bob
Her job is dirty and often smelly
She has a tattoo of a toilet on her belly
At the end of the day
She puts her mop and bucket away
Goes home and has a shower
Then cleans the house within half an hour
Her husband makes her mad
Leaving the toilet seat up
She puts toilet water in his cup
Of tea to sup
She has a daughter called Pru
She dreams of being a toilet cleaner too
She doesn't care about the smell of poo
Just her dream comes true
We should all appreciate toilet cleaners
Just like big Gina.


''Warning! Toilet water in tea. please do not try at home.
 could be dangerous and doesn't taste nice''.


Peter Dome.copyright.2014. Aug.


Details | Free verse | |

a really bad love poem

 
when you're in love you write really bad love poetry when you love a woman you want to relive with her every great moment you ever had both of them. clouds look like hearts, and a few look like ducks you know, quack, quack ducks. if you love someone, you walk into the wrong house you stain your tie during lunch you walk into people (a big guy peoples, he's not happy you run...really fast) to a man in love roses look perfect even if they're tulips ...sorry honey. you build a white picket fence with the pickets wrong side up when you love someone you take out the trash from someone else's house when you love someone you quit your job as a superhero you get rid of your trusty sidekick you give away your bat mobile you give your arch nemesis the bad news. you write goofy stuff, and mickey stuff too. i'm in love so i write really bad love poetry really? really! really? really, i'm in love, so sue me!


Details | Free verse | |

Beg Your Pardon

Here’s a short story of a cowboy I knew
Whose name was Beg Your Pardon.
He wasn’t a gun slinger in the usual way,
Though his hands were fast
And his foots were faster.
But when Beg started shootin’
There was nuthin’ but disaster.

No worries for Beg, he had none you see,
Since he wasn’t a slinger in the usual way.
But his pappy got ugly
And yelled in his son’s face,
 “Until you can shoot
As the son of mine should,
I want you the h*** out of my place.”

Beg had some tricks up his very long sleeves,
Coz he wasn’t a slinger in the usual way.
He’d show his pappy his skill
There’s no doubt about that.
Yet time was a-wasten
So Beg he did hasten,
But first he took off his hat.

He then wound up his body like a Kansas twister
And slung a cow pie in his usual way.
And broke every record
Did our cow pie ringer.
Since there was no one better,
Pappy exclaimed to his son,
“Beg Your Pardon, I beg your pardon
Heck, you’re some kinda’ slinger!”
 
For Wild Wild West Contest


Details | Free verse | |

Elvira And The Pillow

A true story....


Well I lived in Sioux City for a little while
Another job site, hubby and I have covered some miles

While there, my mother in law came to visit
She drove Elvira, the biggest Buick ever made
No doubt about it!

I drove mom around to see the highlights
If you've been there, you know there's nothing but corn in sight

Suddenly the cars in front of us started to slow
Wondering which way around this pillow they needed to go

Well some went left and some went right
Some straddled over it and seemed alright

Mom said baby, it will be OK
Just drive right over it
Elvira won't notice anything in her way

I lined up perfectly and over we went
Thought I'd made it until visions were sent
Into the rear view mirror of down floating everywhere
And it wasn't pleasant!

I could see people on the sidewalks laughing, I pretended not to care
As millions of feathers floated through the air

Really embarrassed I drove on about one hundred feet
Then Elvira stopped dead right there in the street

Somehow the drive train had caught the cotton cover
Ripping it to shreds, wrapping it round and round so tight
Until it killed the engine dead

Now I know God works in mysterious ways
But He proved it for sure this very day

In a parking lot next to where Elvira had died
Was a complete race car driver's pit crew - no lie!

An 18 wheeler with trailer in tow
Guys dressed in uniforms, patches aglow 

With traffic backing up behind us
They came over to see what was all the fuss

I said spitting feathers out of my mouth
I really don't know, I'm from down south

They opened their trailer and out came the jacks
Air hoses and tools, they got down on their backs

From under the car I heard laughter and jokes
They'd seen cars stopped by everything but a pillow!

Well I thanked them and shook each and every hand
They wouldn't accept money, said the entertainment was grand
I often wonder who they were and if they remember Elvira and the pillow in Iowa land....

©Donna Jones


Details | Free verse | |

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME

TALKING TO ME

Do you ever get the feeling that inanimate objects are talking to you?
Sometimes I do, not often, but sometimes.

Like trees that seem to be murmuring in an unknown language 
somehow suggesting a meaning to me.

And clouds when billowed tell me of some distant place I haven't visited. 
They display portly faces that look strangely familiar and seem to mouth 
broken words.

Once I heard running water in a stream ripple in nomadic sounds, it told me 
the secrets of how to go with the flow. 

Flowers often, when in full bloom gossip and say "look at me, aren't I beautiful?"
But when dying cry out say "I was younger then, but now I'm old and frail!"

It seems when picking out socks to wear, I imagine them vying for my attention.
Pick me.. no pick me. And when I do, feel a little guilty that I didn't pick the other.

Once I took out and put back pliers from my tool holder on the wall. One cried out to me saying that I shouldn't put it so close to the other one (considered far inferior). And of course, the screwdrivers made it known that Phillips do not belong with Flatheads.

Should it be, do I have to endure these insults to my sensibilities?
As I said, sometimes.


Details | Free verse | |

If I Were A Rich Girl

If I were a rich girl I’d spend all my money on chocolate truffles 
Then I’d melt them down in a big old fashion claw tub and bathe 
For hours on hours, in warm chocolate suds mmmmmmmmmmm

If I were a rich girl I’d buy me a jet and fly over Paris’s gardens 
Then I’d buy oodles of lipsticks of every shade at Champs Elysee 
Write love letter to my Dovey with Baton Rouge Crème Veloutin 

If I were a rich girl I’d buy 10 Karat gold rimmed thongs, on sale 
Then I’d go to the beach south of France and swim with the whales
For days on end I’d bum around the bars and do winks to the boys

If I were a rich girl, I’d buy me a real big Panda Bear off the zoo 
Together we’d scuba dive in the blue hole of Belize, tickle the fish 
Until they sneeze, now that is what I would do if I were a rich girl 

Oh, and if there is any money left, well then, I’d buy me a bit o fur 
With the remaining dollars, I’d buy me a real cat that loves to purr 
So in the winter when I have no cash, we’ll cuddle and go brrrrrrr!

The End 
February 2, 2015-02-02
 


Details | Free verse | |

The Glass

Thrice I was asked the age old question
Was the glass half full or half empty
Always afraid of a trick, I could not make sense of the axiom
The possibility of either did make me think plenty.

One day two friends came and filled a glass to the brim
I took my own, curious, I filled mine halfway
Not to boast, but I smiled, and made a grin
I asked of them the same question to let them say.

Both were concerned and afraid of my disorder
I drank, drained the glass, and put back in the sink
I finally made a decision & my mind was in order
I saw it as both, neither, and a tool from which to drink!

You see, I always saw optimism naïve as half full
Pessimism it is always half empty and no fun
Realism it is just a glass and the question is null
Opportunism is to use the glass first so my thirst is undone.

Sincerely, 
the Opportunist



Copyright 3/11/14