Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Christmas Humorous Poems | Christmas Poems About Humorous

These Christmas Humorous poems are examples of Christmas poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Christmas Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Lyric | |

The Twelve Spammers' Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . a cut-rate Canadian Pharmacy
On the second day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . two insurance quotes
On the third day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . three free credit scores
On the fourth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . four grow your *****
On the fifth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . five thousand dollars guaranteed!
On the sixth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . six extended warranties
On the seventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . seven stock alerts
On the eighth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eight work from homes
On the ninth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . nine Nigerian emails
On the tenth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . ten get out of debts
On the eleventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eleven singles meet ups
On the twelfth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . twelve hot Asian brides


Details | Rhyme | |

Twelve Days Of Christmas

His young bride took the Twelve Days of Christmas to extremes it seems!
His true love kept piling on strange things well beyond his fairest dreams!
On the First Day of Christmas she gave him a shovel for shoveling snow.
On the Second Day of Christmas she gave him a fifty-cent jug of Red Bordeaux.
On the Third Day of Christmas he was presented with a scruffy mutt.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas he received a one-way ticket to Terre-Haute.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas she graced his skull with a silly beanie cap.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas she handed him an African contour map.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas he received a used Michelin radial tire.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas he was stunned to get a strand of barbed wire.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas he got a life-membership in the Red Hat Society.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas a collection of horseshoes, a most bizarre variety.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas a parrot that spoke naughty words so gross.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas he got the Visa Card bill leaving him morose.
He was underwhelmed by all this useless stuff and thought it mighty queer.
He was under the impression that Christmas came but once a year!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No.3 in PD'S "12 Days of X-Mass" Contest - December 2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012


Details | Imagism | |

The Red Symphony

A self-written poem begun in Christmas Time,
While it tasting the soup and looking for rhyme.
In the kitchen, neighbor with the quiet tomato paste,
The sorcerer's apprentice, a poet pretty well placed
Near Soups (ciorbe) with characteristic sour taste
With luminous face and much grace added the rest:
As he was sipping and tasting from raw and cooked.
His group had a passionate look at what was booked
For the dinner: These might be meat and vegetable soups.

They had to choose till the coming of the helping troops
For the pig`s sacrifice rite, old mixture of joy and grief
Under the hot and long debrief of the pleasant smell-thief 
Tripe soup (ciorba de burta) hard prepared from beef,
And calf foot soup (ciorba de vitel), with green-gold leaf 
Pickled soup (supa de moare) with pork and big rice;
But use the dice to decide between spice and allspice.

From the slaughtered pig the village` families prepare: 
Carnati - sausages  kept in special aromatic smoke 
Of wet fir and oak burned at small fire as enjoyed by folk;
Caltabos - sausages made with liver sprinkled with beers;
Toba and piftie - dishes using pig's feet, head and ears 
Suspended in aspic like a frozen symphony in red
After cups of plum brandy and before going the bed
Tochitura - pan-fried pork to bid it a farewell, twice
Served with mamaliga - palesta , and red wine with ice,
Or boiled wine with pepper and cinnamon against frost; 
So that the pork can swim and the verse were glossed;
Piftie - inferior parts of the bashful pig, mainly the tail, 
Feet and ears, kind of meal like taken from a fairytale
In which all are cooked and served in a form of gelatin
In this naturalist field, all the poets smile like Mr.Bean;
                                                                              
Jumari - small pieces of pig meat are fried and tumbled 
Through various spices if after all, you are a little troubled 
 And may falter some poetical from the famous songs
Like "So, good people drink…" couples of diphthongs
Since Saturday to Thursday and make colorful the gray.

This poem was written in the Night of Tuesday to Friday.
 
( And later we`d find that the housewife had covered with it  the pickles cucumbers jar.)


Details | Free verse | |

12 DAYS TO --- BEING BANNED

12 Days to Being Banned (on Fb) On the first day of Christmas, I sent out a friend request to A Donald Duck swimming. On the second day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the third day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fourth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fifth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the sixth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the seventh day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the eighth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Eight George Clooney sites, Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the ninth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the tenth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Eleven Harassment Suits pending Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my *true love sent to me Twelve long stem red roses Eleven Back Stage Passes, Ten Complementary Tickets, Nine New Release copies, Eight party invitations, Seven boxes of chocolates, Six haute couture dresses, Five pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes, Four alligator handbags , Three cases of Champagne, Two ermine wraps, And a signed photograph just for me!
*George Clooney Suzette Crous 17/12/2012 Poetic Licence to the Max :-) Sponsor Poet Destroyer A Contest Name any poem goes | Original song under About section


Details | Lyric | |

12 days of kiss-mas

On the 12th day of kiss-mass my true love sent to me
12 dirty undies
11 socks a stinking
10 shoes a humming
9 shirts for pressing
8 trousers 
7 days of take-out boxes
6 flagons of beer
5 D V D's
4 mischievous children
3 dozen wine bottles
2 ex partners
and an engagement ring under the tree


Details | Narrative | |

It Wasn't Christmas

I finally heard some encouraging news on TV.  A new study reveals that stress is causing the high blood pressure and weight gain that so many Americans are battling these days.  I’ve heard so many things being blamed for these maladies that I had about given up.  But, I believe I can live with this one.
As I write this, its less than a month since Christmas.  At the beginning of December, I was a trim one hundred sixty-five pounds.  Today, I checked and that figure mysteriously climbed to one hundred eighty-four.  That happened in just a little over a month.  To tell the truth, I was beginning to worry just a little.  I thought for sure it was because of Christmas.
You see, so many nice people gave me presents like home-made chocolate fudge, a three-pound box of chocolates, plus a pounder and a pounder-and-a-half of Russell Stover.  Why, I even received a huge can of cashews.  Not those broken, crumbly pieces, but those big fat perfect ones.  Well, come to think about it, there was also a yule log.  You know the kind, creamy nougat center wrapped in pecans.
Then to top it off, my wife baked cookies, raisin nut, chocolate chip and peanut butter.  And then as a final straw, my daughter baked those soft, chewy ginger snaps.
My mother taught me to be a polite person, so I didn’t want to disappoint her and I tried just a little bit of each item.  You really do believe me don’t you?
I checked the supplies just to see how they were holding out.  I vaguely remember the cookies, I think they made it about six days.  The cashews?  Ha!  They were gone the next day.  There’s one layer left in the three-pound box, and the Russell Stover’s each have one piece left.
A conservative figure totals all those gifts at right around ten pounds, and I really did have some help.  So, where did that other nine pounds that I gained come from?
Well, come to think about it, our church gave the best box of candy I ever remember a church handing out.  And just because they love me so much, and because I’m their pastor, they gave me two boxes!
To be honest, I did attend my grandson’s sixth birthday the week before Christmas.  I just had to eat a piece of his ice cream cake, didn’t I?


Details | Haiku | |

Christmas

A Christmas wish list
A quick glimpse into my life
Not much going on


Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Songs

(A season's poem, to be sung on the melody of The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole.)

Shepherds watch their flocks by night.
Rednose Rudolf is shining bright.
Jingle bells sound crystal clear.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Hark! The herald angels sing.
Hear the whitest dreams of Bing.
Rock around the Christmas tree.
War is over. Stop the cavalry.

There’s silver bells and a winter wonderland.
The first Noel, the little town of Bethlehem.
A silent night, a little drummer boy.
Come all ye faithful. To the world bring joy.

It’s the songs and carols that in these days
all of our houses and hearts will fill.
Although it’s been sung many times, many ways
Sky will give us Christmas Channel still.


Details | Quatrain | |

A Kiss Under the Mistletoe

The boss had too much egg nog
at the office party. Oh,
She set her goal to snog
me beneath the mistletoe!

With lecherous intentions
she stalks me ‘cross the floor
until she finally pins me
against the bathroom door!

Her boozy breath assails me.
I very nearly swoon!
Her scarlet nails impale me.
I realize I’m doomed!

The darting of her tongue
leaves me in a daze.
Her kiss, so thick with rum,
I better get a raise!



11/23/2013


Details | Limerick | |

Merry Friggin' Ho Ho

It's the first of November in the mall
And Christmas decorations deck the hall.
Tinsel and glitter abound,
The Christmas carols resound
And we haven't even gotten through fall.

Now Christmas has a season all it's own
And shopping makes you weary to the bone.
It's not a one day event
With happy family spent,
And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan.

By the time you finally get it done
You'll be too tired to have any fun.
If you get through Christmas Day
It's the next day you can play,
By returning your gifts for better ones.



for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
  (Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other
when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only
mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)





Details | Rhyme | |

Santa's Disgruntled Reindeer

'Twas time once again to saddle up for the annual world tour,
Another flying trip around the earth that they must again endure!
"I'm a-gittin' too old fer this flyin' business!" declared Prancer!
"That fat old man is sure gittin' a burden to tote!" exclaimed Dancer!

"The old man gets the treats - all we git is oats!" grumbled Vixen!
"And them lazy elves load the sleigh far too full!" griped Blitzen!
Donner complained about that upstart Rudolph with the shiny nose!
Dasher agreed, "Yeah! He's Santa's pet and that ever'one knows!"

Comet avowed, "Why don't that old poop let us fly the jet stream?"
"I'm quittin' after this ride!" said Cupid. "He just makes me steam!"
They complained about the cold weather and landing on slippery roofs,
Ice forming on their antlers and the fear of breaking their delicate hoofs!

Jouluupukki and the other elves waved and cheered as they flew away,
With sacks of dollies, trucks, bikes and coal overloaded on the sleigh!
The only thing the grumpy reindeer considered their greatest joys,
Was the privilege of delivering good cheer to all the little girls and boys!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

CHRISTMAS ARRIVES EARLY ON SOUP

Christmas is coming, our wallets will be getting thin
Come on guys its MONTHS before we let Santa in

So lets see poems about sunshine and having loads of fun
I don’t want a continual countdown about when Santa Claus will come!

Jan Allison
13th AUGUST 2014


Details | Rhyme | |

Keep Christmas in Your Pocket

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."   And So The Christmas Season Begins...... 

Three men approached the gate and said
St. Peter let us in, we’re dead
But Peter said I shan’t unlocked it
Until I see Christmas in your pocket
If you want to pass through this Pearly Gate
Show me something that's like Christmas - go on, I'll simply wait"
The first man fumbled through his pockets and came out with a BIC
"The lighter's like a candle" --- "OK - that does the trick"
The second grabbed his car keys and with some mighty shakes
"They're bells just like at Christmas" --- "OK - that's all it takes"
The third man got real nervous - he was feeling kind of ill
Then pulled out a pair of panties and said "These ought to fit the bill"
St. Peter raised an eyebrow - what he heard then brought a grin
"These are Carols" said the third man.  St. Peter let him in! 
If the moral of the story was "Always Be Prepared -
Keep Christmas in your pocket” - How would you have fared? 

The real Moral of the Story - - - 
When you run into Saint Peter
The Pearly Gate great greeter
So he doesn’t close the gate and simply lock it
Keep in mind our dear Lord’s glory
And how you’ll tell the story
Of how you always kept some Christmas in your pocket.


Details | Quatrain | |

Christmas, Already

My world is upside down,
this house is all askew.
Hours fly by like the wind,
the days are far too few.

The tree is still in its box,
the cookies are not done.
The cards are gonna be late,
this is supposed to be fun?

We wrote down our wishes,
threw our names in the pot.
Maybe I'd know what to buy,
if I recalled whose name I got.

When those sleigh bells jingle,
I'll wave him right on past.
"Sorry, Santa. I'm not ready,
you'll have to come here last."