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Humorous Christmas Poems | Christmas Poems About Humorous

These Humorous Christmas poems are examples of Christmas poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Humorous Christmas poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

12
Details | Lyric |

The Twelve Spammers' Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . a cut-rate Canadian Pharmacy
On the second day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . two insurance quotes
On the third day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . three free credit scores
On the fourth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . four grow your *****
On the fifth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . five thousand dollars guaranteed!
On the sixth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . six extended warranties
On the seventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . seven stock alerts
On the eighth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eight work from homes
On the ninth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . nine Nigerian emails
On the tenth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . ten get out of debts
On the eleventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eleven singles meet ups
On the twelfth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . twelve hot Asian brides


Details | Rhyme |

Twelve Days Of Christmas

His young bride took the Twelve Days of Christmas to extremes it seems!
His true love kept piling on strange things well beyond his fairest dreams!
On the First Day of Christmas she gave him a shovel for shoveling snow.
On the Second Day of Christmas she gave him a fifty-cent jug of Red Bordeaux.
On the Third Day of Christmas he was presented with a scruffy mutt.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas he received a one-way ticket to Terre-Haute.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas she graced his skull with a silly beanie cap.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas she handed him an African contour map.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas he received a used Michelin radial tire.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas he was stunned to get a strand of barbed wire.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas he got a life-membership in the Red Hat Society.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas a collection of horseshoes, a most bizarre variety.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas a parrot that spoke naughty words so gross.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas he got the Visa Card bill leaving him morose.
He was underwhelmed by all this useless stuff and thought it mighty queer.
He was under the impression that Christmas came but once a year!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No.3 in PD'S "12 Days of X-Mass" Contest - December 2012


Details | Rhyme |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012


Details | Imagism |

The Red Symphony

A self-written poem begun in Christmas Time,
While it tasting the soup and looking for rhyme.
In the kitchen, neighbor with the quiet tomato paste,
The sorcerer's apprentice, a poet pretty well placed
Near Soups (ciorbe) with characteristic sour taste
With luminous face and much grace added the rest:
As he was sipping and tasting from raw and cooked.
His group had a passionate look at what was booked
For the dinner: These might be meat and vegetable soups.

They had to choose till the coming of the helping troops
For the pig`s sacrifice rite, old mixture of joy and grief
Under the hot and long debrief of the pleasant smell-thief 
Tripe soup (ciorba de burta) hard prepared from beef,
And calf foot soup (ciorba de vitel), with green-gold leaf 
Pickled soup (supa de moare) with pork and big rice;
But use the dice to decide between spice and allspice.

From the slaughtered pig the village` families prepare: 
Carnati - sausages  kept in special aromatic smoke 
Of wet fir and oak burned at small fire as enjoyed by folk;
Caltabos - sausages made with liver sprinkled with beers;
Toba and piftie - dishes using pig's feet, head and ears 
Suspended in aspic like a frozen symphony in red
After cups of plum brandy and before going the bed
Tochitura - pan-fried pork to bid it a farewell, twice
Served with mamaliga - palesta , and red wine with ice,
Or boiled wine with pepper and cinnamon against frost; 
So that the pork can swim and the verse were glossed;
Piftie - inferior parts of the bashful pig, mainly the tail, 
Feet and ears, kind of meal like taken from a fairytale
In which all are cooked and served in a form of gelatin
In this naturalist field, all the poets smile like Mr.Bean;
                                                                              
Jumari - small pieces of pig meat are fried and tumbled 
Through various spices if after all, you are a little troubled 
 And may falter some poetical from the famous songs
Like "So, good people drink…" couples of diphthongs
Since Saturday to Thursday and make colorful the gray.

This poem was written in the Night of Tuesday to Friday.
 
( And later we`d find that the housewife had covered with it  the pickles cucumbers jar.)


Details | Free verse |

12 DAYS TO --- BEING BANNED

12 Days to Being Banned (on Fb) On the first day of Christmas, I sent out a friend request to A Donald Duck swimming. On the second day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the third day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fourth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fifth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the sixth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the seventh day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the eighth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Eight George Clooney sites, Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the ninth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the tenth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Eleven Harassment Suits pending Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my *true love sent to me Twelve long stem red roses Eleven Back Stage Passes, Ten Complementary Tickets, Nine New Release copies, Eight party invitations, Seven boxes of chocolates, Six haute couture dresses, Five pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes, Four alligator handbags , Three cases of Champagne, Two ermine wraps, And a signed photograph just for me!
*George Clooney Suzette Crous 17/12/2012 Poetic Licence to the Max :-) Sponsor Poet Destroyer A Contest Name any poem goes | Original song under About section


Details | Lyric |

12 days of kiss-mas

On the 12th day of kiss-mass my true love sent to me
12 dirty undies
11 socks a stinking
10 shoes a humming
9 shirts for pressing
8 trousers 
7 days of take-out boxes
6 flagons of beer
5 D V D's
4 mischievous children
3 dozen wine bottles
2 ex partners
and an engagement ring under the tree


Details | Haiku |

Christmas

A Christmas wish list
A quick glimpse into my life
Not much going on


Details | Rhyme |

Christmas Songs

(A season's poem, to be sung on the melody of The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole.)

Shepherds watch their flocks by night.
Rednose Rudolf is shining bright.
Jingle bells sound crystal clear.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Hark! The herald angels sing.
Hear the whitest dreams of Bing.
Rock around the Christmas tree.
War is over. Stop the cavalry.

There’s silver bells and a winter wonderland.
The first Noel, the little town of Bethlehem.
A silent night, a little drummer boy.
Come all ye faithful. To the world bring joy.

It’s the songs and carols that in these days
all of our houses and hearts will fill.
Although it’s been sung many times, many ways
Sky will give us Christmas Channel still.


Details | Limerick |

Merry Friggin' Ho Ho

It's the first of November in the mall
And Christmas decorations deck the hall.
Tinsel and glitter abound,
The Christmas carols resound
And we haven't even gotten through fall.

Now Christmas has a season all it's own
And shopping makes you weary to the bone.
It's not a one day event
With happy family spent,
And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan.

By the time you finally get it done
You'll be too tired to have any fun.
If you get through Christmas Day
It's the next day you can play,
By returning your gifts for better ones.



for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
  (Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other
when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only
mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)





Details | Quatrain |

A Kiss Under the Mistletoe

The boss had too much egg nog
at the office party. Oh,
She set her goal to snog
me beneath the mistletoe!

With lecherous intentions
she stalks me ‘cross the floor
until she finally pins me
against the bathroom door!

Her boozy breath assails me.
I very nearly swoon!
Her scarlet nails impale me.
I realize I’m doomed!

The darting of her tongue
leaves me in a daze.
Her kiss, so thick with rum,
I better get a raise!



11/23/2013


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