Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Christmas Humorous Poems | Christmas Poems About Humorous

These Christmas Humorous poems are examples of Christmas poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Christmas Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas Jerry Blue

Freshly canned the night before 
He’ll want dish-fuls then some more 
Beans of substance Santa’s constant 
When he glides down, chimney’s rant 

All the little mice were sleeping 
And their secrets he was keeping 
Till the mambo boys coiled cots  
Sprang awake by Clausie’s rots 

Santa tried to squat and fart 
Too much beans in Wally Mart!
All that pushing, just squish-air  
And ruddy cheeks a bulging pair 

What’s up with Santa? Bill did quip 
You know, he ain’t looking very hip 
His pants are down he wears a frown 
He ate with taste the beans o-paste  

Now tooting horns are heard in here 
As Santa sheds three Holy Tears 
He’s feeling gassy so he sits  
Soon he’s feeling like a misfit 

Freshly canned the night before
Chili peppered then some more 
Beans of substance oh such nuisance 
Santa’s asking for deliverance 

Down by Jerry’s little house 
He scrawled a note to freaky mouse 
I leave a pair of hot steamed coal 
Next year I won’t lick your bowl 

Merry Christmas Jerry Blue 
Hope you like my coaling stew




Contest: What’s up with Santa
Mystic Rose 





Details | Rhyme | |

SANTA'S SICK

Santa's hurting
head to toe
Santa's moving
kinda slow
Santa's sore
between the buns
Santa's got
the Christmas runs
Santa says
he has the flu
Santa's afraid
he'll give it to you
Santa should have
washed his hands
Santa needs to
change his plans
Santa needs
two bags this year
One for vomit
and one for cheer
Santa says
in spite of this blight
Merry Christmas to all
to all a good night

Contest: Jerry's "What's Up With Santa"
Date: 11-30-14
Poet: LyricMan


Details | Sonnet | |

Santa's Favorite - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Santa Claus has travel worries at the North Pole,
With terrible winter storms brewing there afoot,
He knows Christmas is so close and so he must put
His children first now whom he loves deeply and whole! 
And so he must find red-nosed Rudolph to cajole
Him into guid’n his sleigh on Christmas Eve to boot,
For this would bring his kids so much joy—what a hoot!   
Rudolph’s red nose bright guiding them from the North Pole! 

Rudolph leads Santa’s reindeer on Christmas Eve Night,
While all shout out with joy on this blessed holy night!
Santa’s reindeer love Rudolph in equal measure,
For with him they won’t be lost—oh what a pleasure!
Rudolph’s glowing red nose shines now ever so bright,
As we all with Santa celebrate the Lord’s night!

Gary Bateman, Copyright © All Rights Reserved, (December 12, 2014) 
(Petrarchan Sonnet poetic format in Iambic Hexameter)


Details | Lyric | |

The Twelve Spammers' Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . a cut-rate Canadian Pharmacy
On the second day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . two insurance quotes
On the third day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . three free credit scores
On the fourth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . four grow your *****
On the fifth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . five thousand dollars guaranteed!
On the sixth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . six extended warranties
On the seventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . seven stock alerts
On the eighth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eight work from homes
On the ninth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . nine Nigerian emails
On the tenth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . ten get out of debts
On the eleventh day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . eleven singles meet ups
On the twelfth day of Christmas, net spammers sent to me . . . 
    . . . twelve hot Asian brides


Details | Rhyme | |

Twelve Days Of Christmas

His young bride took the Twelve Days of Christmas to extremes it seems!
His true love kept piling on strange things well beyond his fairest dreams!
On the First Day of Christmas she gave him a shovel for shoveling snow.
On the Second Day of Christmas she gave him a fifty-cent jug of Red Bordeaux.
On the Third Day of Christmas he was presented with a scruffy mutt.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas he received a one-way ticket to Terre-Haute.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas she graced his skull with a silly beanie cap.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas she handed him an African contour map.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas he received a used Michelin radial tire.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas he was stunned to get a strand of barbed wire.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas he got a life-membership in the Red Hat Society.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas a collection of horseshoes, a most bizarre variety.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas a parrot that spoke naughty words so gross.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas he got the Visa Card bill leaving him morose.
He was underwhelmed by all this useless stuff and thought it mighty queer.
He was under the impression that Christmas came but once a year!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No.3 in PD'S "12 Days of X-Mass" Contest - December 2012


Details | Free verse | |

The After Turkey Day Blues

The turkey is cold. The dressing is gone.
All of your friends and family have gone home.
Every show on cable television is a holiday rerun.
The stores are overflowing with shopaholic maniacs.
Your neighbors are complaining about your outdoor Christmas lights.
The kids are fighting over who gets to eat the last slice of pie.
They call it Black Friday for a good reason, it is a hell of a day.
It is only a twenty four hour horror so put a smile on your face.
Remember that in less than a month it will be Christmas Day.


Details | Rhyme | |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012


Details | Imagism | |

The Red Symphony

A self-written poem begun in Christmas Time,
While it tasting the soup and looking for rhyme.
In the kitchen, neighbor with the quiet tomato paste,
The sorcerer's apprentice, a poet pretty well placed
Near Soups (ciorbe) with characteristic sour taste
With luminous face and much grace added the rest:
As he was sipping and tasting from raw and cooked.
His group had a passionate look at what was booked
For the dinner: These might be meat and vegetable soups.

They had to choose till the coming of the helping troops
For the pig`s sacrifice rite, old mixture of joy and grief
Under the hot and long debrief of the pleasant smell-thief 
Tripe soup (ciorba de burta) hard prepared from beef,
And calf foot soup (ciorba de vitel), with green-gold leaf 
Pickled soup (supa de moare) with pork and big rice;
But use the dice to decide between spice and allspice.

From the slaughtered pig the village` families prepare: 
Carnati - sausages  kept in special aromatic smoke 
Of wet fir and oak burned at small fire as enjoyed by folk;
Caltabos - sausages made with liver sprinkled with beers;
Toba and piftie - dishes using pig's feet, head and ears 
Suspended in aspic like a frozen symphony in red
After cups of plum brandy and before going the bed
Tochitura - pan-fried pork to bid it a farewell, twice
Served with mamaliga - palesta , and red wine with ice,
Or boiled wine with pepper and cinnamon against frost; 
So that the pork can swim and the verse were glossed;
Piftie - inferior parts of the bashful pig, mainly the tail, 
Feet and ears, kind of meal like taken from a fairytale
In which all are cooked and served in a form of gelatin
In this naturalist field, all the poets smile like Mr.Bean;
                                                                              
Jumari - small pieces of pig meat are fried and tumbled 
Through various spices if after all, you are a little troubled 
 And may falter some poetical from the famous songs
Like "So, good people drink…" couples of diphthongs
Since Saturday to Thursday and make colorful the gray.

This poem was written in the Night of Tuesday to Friday.
 
( And later we`d find that the housewife had covered with it  the pickles cucumbers jar.)


Details | Lyric | |

12 days of kiss-mas

On the 12th day of kiss-mass my true love sent to me
12 dirty undies
11 socks a stinking
10 shoes a humming
9 shirts for pressing
8 trousers 
7 days of take-out boxes
6 flagons of beer
5 D V D's
4 mischievous children
3 dozen wine bottles
2 ex partners
and an engagement ring under the tree


Details | Free verse | |

12 DAYS TO --- BEING BANNED

12 Days to Being Banned (on Fb) On the first day of Christmas, I sent out a friend request to A Donald Duck swimming. On the second day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the third day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fourth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the fifth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the sixth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the seventh day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the eighth day of Christmas, I sent out friend requests to Eight George Clooney sites, Seven people fb pocking, Six poets penning, Five ... actors ... acting ~ Four armies arming, Three groups regrouping, Two drunks driving, And a Donald Duck swimming. On the ninth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the tenth day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Lawyers sent to me Eleven Harassment Suits pending Ten Orders Restraining, Nine last warnings, And a letter banning me. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my *true love sent to me Twelve long stem red roses Eleven Back Stage Passes, Ten Complementary Tickets, Nine New Release copies, Eight party invitations, Seven boxes of chocolates, Six haute couture dresses, Five pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes, Four alligator handbags , Three cases of Champagne, Two ermine wraps, And a signed photograph just for me!
*George Clooney Suzette Crous 17/12/2012 Poetic Licence to the Max :-) Sponsor Poet Destroyer A Contest Name any poem goes | Original song under About section


Details | Narrative | |

It Wasn't Christmas

I finally heard some encouraging news on TV.  A new study reveals that stress is causing the high blood pressure and weight gain that so many Americans are battling these days.  I’ve heard so many things being blamed for these maladies that I had about given up.  But, I believe I can live with this one.
As I write this, its less than a month since Christmas.  At the beginning of December, I was a trim one hundred sixty-five pounds.  Today, I checked and that figure mysteriously climbed to one hundred eighty-four.  That happened in just a little over a month.  To tell the truth, I was beginning to worry just a little.  I thought for sure it was because of Christmas.
You see, so many nice people gave me presents like home-made chocolate fudge, a three-pound box of chocolates, plus a pounder and a pounder-and-a-half of Russell Stover.  Why, I even received a huge can of cashews.  Not those broken, crumbly pieces, but those big fat perfect ones.  Well, come to think about it, there was also a yule log.  You know the kind, creamy nougat center wrapped in pecans.
Then to top it off, my wife baked cookies, raisin nut, chocolate chip and peanut butter.  And then as a final straw, my daughter baked those soft, chewy ginger snaps.
My mother taught me to be a polite person, so I didn’t want to disappoint her and I tried just a little bit of each item.  You really do believe me don’t you?
I checked the supplies just to see how they were holding out.  I vaguely remember the cookies, I think they made it about six days.  The cashews?  Ha!  They were gone the next day.  There’s one layer left in the three-pound box, and the Russell Stover’s each have one piece left.
A conservative figure totals all those gifts at right around ten pounds, and I really did have some help.  So, where did that other nine pounds that I gained come from?
Well, come to think about it, our church gave the best box of candy I ever remember a church handing out.  And just because they love me so much, and because I’m their pastor, they gave me two boxes!
To be honest, I did attend my grandson’s sixth birthday the week before Christmas.  I just had to eat a piece of his ice cream cake, didn’t I?


Details | Acrostic | |

BLACK FRIDAY

Bargains galore!
Lots of people out shopping
All looking for that special gift
Carrier bags bulging
Keep an eye on the spending

Frazzled tempers
Riots break out
I got the LAST one
Don’t ever want to go shopping again
All I want is to go home
Yipee  ... only 365 days till we do it all over again!!!

Jan Allison
27th November 2014


Details | Haiku | |

Christmas

A Christmas wish list
A quick glimpse into my life
Not much going on


Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Songs

(A season's poem, to be sung on the melody of The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole.)

Shepherds watch their flocks by night.
Rednose Rudolf is shining bright.
Jingle bells sound crystal clear.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Hark! The herald angels sing.
Hear the whitest dreams of Bing.
Rock around the Christmas tree.
War is over. Stop the cavalry.

There’s silver bells and a winter wonderland.
The first Noel, the little town of Bethlehem.
A silent night, a little drummer boy.
Come all ye faithful. To the world bring joy.

It’s the songs and carols that in these days
all of our houses and hearts will fill.
Although it’s been sung many times, many ways
Sky will give us Christmas Channel still.


Details | Quatrain | |

A Kiss Under the Mistletoe

The boss had too much egg nog
at the office party. Oh,
She set her goal to snog
me beneath the mistletoe!

With lecherous intentions
she stalks me ‘cross the floor
until she finally pins me
against the bathroom door!

Her boozy breath assails me.
I very nearly swoon!
Her scarlet nails impale me.
I realize I’m doomed!

The darting of her tongue
leaves me in a daze.
Her kiss, so thick with rum,
I better get a raise!



11/23/2013


Details | Light Poetry | |

All I want for Xmas is a poetry membership

All I want for Christmas
Is my two front teeth
All my back teeth
A Mercedes or Bentley
A life time membership to Hugh Hefner's mansion
The rights to the song "If I had a million dollars"
Cause then I would have 5 million dollars

A new pair of socks
A house full of books
With a sexy librarian too boot
Or in some nice boots
If its not too too much trouble
Santa list of naughty girls
Some Newfoundland screech
A clock that can turn back time
I train set 1000 times bigger than Arthur s
And his butler

Again. If its not too much trouble
A few hundred genies in bottles
A few Rembrandt's and various other famous paintings
The country of Iceland, if the price is right
Oh and all the episodes of "The Rockford files" and "Colombo"
My childhood back

Oh and a private plane
I do not really want one but it would seem plain silly
If I don’t ask, n'est pas?
I almost almost forgot, a harem or even a few
Just for images sake
For I want only one princess

Of course, I would gladly give this all away
If when I see a child suffer or sad
I could paint happiness inside in their little souls
If only
I could paint happiness inside of us all



Of course we can start with the poetry membership!


Details | Rhyme | |

Santa's Disgruntled Reindeer

'Twas time once again to saddle up for the annual world tour,
Another flying trip around the earth that they must again endure!
"I'm a-gittin' too old fer this flyin' business!" declared Prancer!
"That fat old man is sure gittin' a burden to tote!" exclaimed Dancer!

"The old man gets the treats - all we git is oats!" grumbled Vixen!
"And them lazy elves load the sleigh far too full!" griped Blitzen!
Donner complained about that upstart Rudolph with the shiny nose!
Dasher agreed, "Yeah! He's Santa's pet and that ever'one knows!"

Comet avowed, "Why don't that old poop let us fly the jet stream?"
"I'm quittin' after this ride!" said Cupid. "He just makes me steam!"
They complained about the cold weather and landing on slippery roofs,
Ice forming on their antlers and the fear of breaking their delicate hoofs!

Jouluupukki and the other elves waved and cheered as they flew away,
With sacks of dollies, trucks, bikes and coal overloaded on the sleigh!
The only thing the grumpy reindeer considered their greatest joys,
Was the privilege of delivering good cheer to all the little girls and boys!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Free verse | |

Christmas Season

Santa Claus is a scary dude. 
Right up there with God. 
He watches our every move
and keeps score with a list
that he checks twice to 
prepare for judgement day 
and what might lay 
under the Christmas tree 
if you're not found naughty. 

I love that little baby in a manger 
and angels, shepherds, lambs , 
a bright star to follow. 
But the wise mens' gifts are suspect. 
Smart shoppers would bring
a rattle, toys, maybe a lullaby.

Santa, Jesus,  Christmas,
a season of light, anticipation and anxiety.
The big question pressing hard 
like steel on ice. 
Skating around sacrifice and salvation. 
For God sake who could ever hope to be that nice? 

Santa is not around after he delivers,
thankfully he leaves town and 
God sleeps like new parents do,
catching some Z's
after an evening of childbirth,
well wishers, three kings.

Christmas morning.
Hurry! Bring your best intention.
Escape! Wake up before anyone.
Open your present moment.


Details | Limerick | |

Merry Friggin' Ho Ho

It's the first of November in the mall
And Christmas decorations deck the hall.
Tinsel and glitter abound,
The Christmas carols resound
And we haven't even gotten through fall.

Now Christmas has a season all it's own
And shopping makes you weary to the bone.
It's not a one day event
With happy family spent,
And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan.

By the time you finally get it done
You'll be too tired to have any fun.
If you get through Christmas Day
It's the next day you can play,
By returning your gifts for better ones.



for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
  (Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other
when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only
mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)





Details | Clerihew | |

Frosty The Snowman


Did you hear about Frosty The Snowman?

   His reign didn't play out according to plan.

      Neighborhood dogs peed on him yellow.

         He was one most mortified young fellow!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSGT, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Entry for Andrea Dietrich's "A Christmas Character Clerihew" Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Busted

   Busted            
When Santa got stuck down the chimney
What a terrible fright for young lives
Imagine the sight that then met them
Imagine their awful surprise.
With a crash and a thump and a holler
A bang and a whoosh and a boom
The magical globe trotting Santa
Daintily entered their room!

He landed full square in their fireplace
His hat flopped down over his eyes
He looked really much more like Black Beard
Except he was double the size.
The children sat up in amazement
Then hid and peeped through a crack
As this unfortunate dirty old Santa
Was hit on the head by his sack.

The air turned quite blue for a moment
When he finally uttered a cry
I’ve hurt every bone in my body
Was the gist of what he implied
Now Rudolph looked down from above him
Shook his head and then let out a sigh
Get up you clumsy old has been
We still have work left to do tonight.

Well Santa looked right up that chimney
His plight became clear in a flash
He was stuck with his sack at the bottom
And didn’t know how to get back.
The children, still hid in the corner
Just couldn’t believe what they saw
As this dirty old Santa recovered
Did his job and then limped out the door. 

They watched as he climbed out the window
His suit now completely akimbo
But Rudolph was there with the sleigh and a spare
He now had clean clothes to change into.
Once more Rudolph rescued the big man
Stamped his hoof, got him out of his whirl
Threatened to leave less he focus
You know, of course, Rudolph’s a girl!!!!                                                                                                                   
 
The children got up in the morning
Frustrated, annoyed and distressed,
For their bedroom looked just like a bombsite
Where two sacks of gifts had been left
Despite having left him a message
Stating ‘ please do not leave so much trash,
We are modern day children remember
What we want is a cheque or some cash’


Details | Rhyme | |

Anansi and the Christmas Cake

It was Christmas time in Anansi’s house
But Anansi was snoring loud and deep
While all the house was up and busy
Sneaky Anansi was pretending to sleep

Anansi imagined lying on the beach
Soaking up some hot Jamaican sun
Christmas time with all its merriment
For Anansi was never, ever fun!

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To not have fun at Christmas time!

Last year whist fixing the Christmas baubles 
He was jumping up, extremely mad
Because all the baubles kept flying off
And the crooked angel looked very sad

When he tore off the wrapper from his gifts
He always hoped for a nice surprise
But every year his presents were the same
Eight pairs of socks and two colourful ties 

Poor Anansi - the church bells’ chime
No fun for you this Christmas time!

And Christmas dinner was never enough
Because his wife entertained the whole town!
Cold scraps of dinner left on a plate
And a squeeze to find a spot to sit down 

And playing party games was such a bore
Card games he never had the knack 
Charades would leave him a little confused
Legs tangled with Twister or stuck on his back

Poor Anansi, you can bet a dime
No fun for you this Christmas-time

Never anything good to watch on TV
And the Queen spoke too posh and too slow
He didn’t even have a favourite book to read
Poor, poor Anansi with his Christmas woe

But there was just one thing about Christmas
That Anansi couldn’t wait to partake
Every Christmas his wife would prepare
The most delicious, scrumptious Christmas cake

Every year he sliced the biggest piece
Leaving his family to fight for the rest
Delicious, scrumptious with a scoop of ice-cream
This Christmas cake was always the best

Anansi made sure that everyone had gone
Before he scurried down for his Christmas treat
He looked in the oven, the cupboard the fridge
But couldn’t find any Christmas cake to eat

 “Surprise,” said his wife from behind him
“We are having fruit salad for a change!”
Then she handed him a large Christmas bowl 
Filled with tropical fruits of all range.

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Dragon Santa

There’s a little known fact about the North Pole.
Now Santa’s a Dragon, you really should know.
Now think about this and it will become clear.
Santa, like Dragons, is so very magical my dear.

In the very least, Santa has to be… at least partly so.
He’s just a SNOW Dragon, now wouldn’t you know?
He only comes south… in the deepest of wintertime.
And he brings along the snow for good girls and boys.

Now, I wouldn’t lie! I know… that honestly, it’s true!
I call him the Solstice Santa; for he brings winter, its true!
Think! Who brings those sleds when you’re snug in bed?
It’s the Dragon reindeer… Who can fly, high thru the air!

Now, think my dear friend… and you will know that it’s so.
Who loves havoc more, than a mischievous Dragon’s soul?
How come there’s always snow, as they land on your roof?
Because Snow Dragons can breath snow… Lickety Split!

And Dragons love fun… so here come all those Great toys.
Yep, they, too, were made by mischievous, DRAGON boys!
And just where, do you think, my Dragon egg came from?
Grandpa Troll came south, with it, yep, from the North Pole!

When Dragon is grown… Where do you think he wants to go?
Naturally, first North, to visit Dragon Santa, at the North pole.
Gee, the world is spinning, and Grandpa Troll is laughing, too!
No! Say it isn’t true! Grandpa Troll? Did you spike the eggnog?

Again this year? Well, it WAS a beautiful dream… That’s true!
And Merry Christmas, out there, to all you wonderful, You’s!!


Details | Rhyme | |

CHRISTMAS ARRIVES EARLY ON SOUP

Christmas is coming, our wallets will be getting thin
Come on guys its MONTHS before we let Santa in

So lets see poems about sunshine and having loads of fun
I don’t want a continual countdown about when Santa Claus will come!

Jan Allison
13th AUGUST 2014


Details | Rhyme | |

Don't Open My Heart Till Christmas

Honey we had some hard times
Baby I mean some lean times
So sugar on this holiday all I can offer you
Is my heart packaged, wrapped and address to you

But Baby
Don't open my heart till Christmas
Don't love me tell then
Because I don't have anything to give you
Except all the love I have within

Now now baby I better go
No fair standing beneath the mistletoe
I can't kiss you now
But on Christmas Wow Oh Wow!

Santa Claus we won't need
To put presents under the tree
Because if we wait you'll see
Jingle jangle woo woo wee wee

Now I've been a good boy
I know you've been good too
So just wait till Christmas
And we can cross us off our wish list

So Sweetie
Don't open my heart till Christmas
Don't love me till then
Because I don't have anything to give you
Except all the love I have within

Oops that mistletoe
Santa will never know
Besides we always did presents on Christmas eve
Ho Ho Ho
Very Merry Christmas


Details | Rhyme | |

Santa's Encounter With Space

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the sky,
Santa's reindeer sped bringing toys to the world's small fry.
"On Dasher! On Dancer and Prancer!  On Cupid and Vixen!
Lead on Rudolph!  Speed it up there Donner and Blitzen!"

Rudolph knew the routine since he had led Santa for years,
Cruising o'er Australia, Merry Olde England and sunny Algiers!
Suddenly, Santa saw strange sights he'd never encountered before!
Whizzing past him were dozens of satellites and space junk galore!

But faithful Rudolph was alert and said after another near miss,
"Never mind, boss!  Trust me and hang on!  I'll get you through this!"
Santa clutched his toy bag, hunkered down and closed his eyes,
Relying on the red-nosed one to guide him safely through the skies.

They made it alright and Santa visited every isle, city and nation,
Spreading cheer to all who awaited his visit with great anticipation!
Santa brought presents to all good little girls and boys worldwide,
Thanks to his magic sleigh and reindeer with Rudolph as his guide!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Clerihew | |

Ralphie

Ralphie


Aged Ralphie Parker
did sit with a marker,
writing Santa Clause in hope;
send one M-15 with a scope.



12/4/15 ©
Contest: A Christmas Clerihew
Sponsor- Andrea Dietrich


Details | Quatrain | |

Christmas, Already

My world is upside down,
this house is all askew.
Hours fly by like the wind,
the days are far too few.

The tree is still in its box,
the cookies are not done.
The cards are gonna be late,
this is supposed to be fun?

We wrote down our wishes,
threw our names in the pot.
Maybe I'd know what to buy,
if I recalled whose name I got.

When those sleigh bells jingle,
I'll wave him right on past.
"Sorry, Santa. I'm not ready,
you'll have to come here last."



                             







Details | Rhyme | |

Keep Christmas in Your Pocket

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."   And So The Christmas Season Begins...... 

Three men approached the gate and said
St. Peter let us in, we’re dead
But Peter said I shan’t unlocked it
Until I see Christmas in your pocket
If you want to pass through this Pearly Gate
Show me something that's like Christmas - go on, I'll simply wait"
The first man fumbled through his pockets and came out with a BIC
"The lighter's like a candle" --- "OK - that does the trick"
The second grabbed his car keys and with some mighty shakes
"They're bells just like at Christmas" --- "OK - that's all it takes"
The third man got real nervous - he was feeling kind of ill
Then pulled out a pair of panties and said "These ought to fit the bill"
St. Peter raised an eyebrow - what he heard then brought a grin
"These are Carols" said the third man.  St. Peter let him in! 
If the moral of the story was "Always Be Prepared -
Keep Christmas in your pocket” - How would you have fared? 

The real Moral of the Story - - - 
When you run into Saint Peter
The Pearly Gate great greeter
So he doesn’t close the gate and simply lock it
Keep in mind our dear Lord’s glory
And how you’ll tell the story
Of how you always kept some Christmas in your pocket.


Details | Free verse | |

twis the night santa got busted

Twis  the night before Christmas and all through the house not a person was up not even a dog.
The sox's were hung on the door with tape just waiting for Old st.Nick.
Mom in her night gown and me in my long johns. 
Settle in for a night of nics.
When all of a sudden we heard what was police cars.
As we watched on the tv with surprise. 
The reporter said that Santa got busted for breaking and entering.
As the police cars drove out of sight. 
We heard him say, Merry Christmas to all and call my lawyer.


Details | Clerihew | |

Jacob Marley

Scrooge encountered the ghost of Jake Marley,

    While slurping his bowl of blah barley.

       From thence, as we know the plot thickens,

         As from past sins Scrooge fled like the 'dickens'!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSGT, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Not for the contest - just for fun.


Details | Rhyme | |

On the Naughty List

It's Christmas Eve and little Steve is sleeping like an angel
He knows Santa's sleigh is on the way with cookies on the table
The stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed, the feel of Bliss
The house glows with the warmth and sparkle of Christmas
Jolly Old Saint Nick ever so quick arrives at little Steve's home
He checks his list, nods his chin and with a grin
Leaves little Steve his lump of coal

Ho ho ho off Santa goes
Little Steve wakes right up
Runs down the stairs to see Santa disappear
Dashes for the tree but nothing he can see
Except for him a lump of dark black coal
With a note from the old fat soul

Dear Little Steve,

       How have you been?
I know.  Oh boy do I know!
Your on the naughty list you know
Your stocking is the one with a hole
If this can not be understood
Next year try being good
Whining crying screaming at the store
Because you want mommy to buy you more
Stealing toys from other kids
Come on now gee whiz
Cheating on your tests
Honestly in school just try your best
Lying is not a game
Can't you feel a little shame
Bullying little kids
Accusing others for what you did
Demanding tones and being rude
Belching and farting ever so crude
Even your little hand got caught
Robbing the Salvation Army pot
Never did you help others out
You are selfish without a doubt
Besides where are the cookies on my plate
The milk you left the cookies you ate
So in closing little Steve
Think of others begin with please
And if you think old Santa unfair
I'm watching you better beware
If toys games and sweets you desire
Start with sorry and aim higher
So stop pouting and being pis___
That's another reason your on the Naughty List.

                                             Love Santa Claus

p.s.  That piece of coal in your hand you hold, it's nothing that I bought
just something a reindeer dropped.

HO HO HO  Merry Christmas and to all a good night.

AAAARGGGH!!!-little Steve's response




Details | Light Poetry | |

A Christmas Arraignment

A CHRISTMAS ARRAIGNMENT

Late one December evening
A sound woke me from my bed,
I grabbed a baseball bat for safety
And crept downstairs full of dread.

I must admit I was not fit
For foiling midnight burglaries.
My cousin had kept pouring eggnog,
I kept on saying, “Yes, please.”

I slunk down the stairs, bat in hand,
Jumping at yet another sound.
But never in my wildest dreams
Did I realize what I had found.

Someone was in my living room!
I could hear them moving around.
So I jumped into the darkened room
And bonked him upon his crown!

He fell face first upon my rug
As you maybe have suspected,
But when I turned on the table lamp
What I saw was quite unexpected.

Santa Claus himself lay unconscious,
My heart filled with a child’s worst fear.
I had gone ahead and clobbered
The source of all Christmas Cheer!

I had to hide the evidence
Or suffer a Christmas curse!
I could not guess how my holidays
Could possibly get any worse.

I dragged that fat elf out into the snow
And began to dig a hole.
I hoped to hide the evidence
Lest I be doomed to a lifetime of coal.

But then he awoke, and began to yell
And my neighbors began prying
To spy the source of all the noise,
The screaming, yelling and crying.

The cops showed up, and saved St. Nick
Before hauling me off to the station.
They said they hoped the judge threw the book
Like I was some inhuman abomination.

Not long after I stood up in court
While the victim showed his bruises.
I tried to tell of eggnog-induced haze
But the judge was hearing no excuses.

I hung my head in utmost shame
While the verdict was entered and read.
I got twenty long years in a state prison cell
For cold-cocking the man in red.

Then Santa’s elvish lawyers worked,
And a fireplace was magically erected,
Santa winked and vanished with a finger on his nose
Although not the one I expected.

Now when Christmas time rolls around this year
And you all have fun with your celebrations,
I sit in my gray ten-by-ten room
Fulfilling my legal obligations.

So take my advice this holiday season
As you fire up the traditional Yule log,
If your cousin is anything at all like mine
Say “No thanks” to a sixth eggnog.


Details | Clerihew | |

Ralphie Parker Vis-a-Vis Scud Farkus

It seems that even-tempered Ralphie Parker,

   Had a side to him that was somewhat darker.

      Ralphie lost his cool with his mortal protagonist,

         And bloodied the beak of Farkus his antagonist!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Happy Xmas - When's It Over

*I wrote this with John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War Is Over) tune in mind.
 
Happy Xmas (When’s It Over?)
 
SO this is Xmas
Where did the year go?
No money left over
To have and to hold
And SO blinking Xmas
Is here once again
It’s over indulgence
For women and men
 
A Very Merry Xmas 
And a Happy New Year
With mince pies and brandy
Some Champers and Beer
 
And SO this is Xmas 
The kids are on high
Your granny is snoring 
(too many pork pies)
And SO Happy Xmas
Your trousers feel tight
Another dry sherry
I’m too weak to fight
 
A Very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New Year
With trifle & custard
Washed down with warm beer
 
And SO this is Xmas
Your waistline no more
Another dead brain cell
You try to ignore

And SO Happy Xmas
I hope you’ve had fun
Prosecco and chocolate
All shows on your tum
 
Yes, A Very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New Year
I wish you a good one
Without any tears  :0)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Santas Christmas Wish

Dear Santa,

Remember that wish, to spend time with Dragon, you wanted to come true.
Well, we’ve found a way to make that wish, for you, to really, come true.
Now, don’t expect anything to go in a very usual and in a controllable way.
With Dragon, things just don’t ever; seem to turn out simple, in any way.

Well it all started, as Dragon got worried about terrorists, problems, and all.
Yeah, I know they’re no trouble for you… No… They aren’t… Not at all.
But Dragon’s so young, and a touch worried, and as we’ve all come, to know.
He wants, to fly with you, in your magic slipstream, to protect you, you know.

But Dragon can’t fly very far or very straight yet, being only 2 years old, you bet.
And we don’t want him bothering you, or knocking you out of the sky, you bet.
We talked to McRaccoon, in his Las Vegas Dragon show; he too, wants to go.
And you see, his whole bunch of Dragons, want to fly, thru the air, with you, so...

They’ll fly in a V formation; it’ll make a great, thing to see, so you must, let it be!
Our Dragon will ride upon the leader, and others will carry others, please, let it be!
Make-a-Wish children all want to go, wrapped up snuggly with their papa’s so...
McRaccoon will document it with pictures, for every one’s wall, and you did wish…

Yes, for a Dragon meet and greet to start things off, and your elves can help, also!
The Trolls will be there, to help with crowd control, and to get an autograph, also.
To remember us all… Dragon got a St. Christopher medal blessed by the Pope.
The Pope will give it to you, as he blesses your trip, which brings peace and hope.

Oh, and he’ll give you a very ancient, beautiful cross, for the years you’ve served.
Yes, while teaching us how to give, celebrate, and serve… engulfed in God’s love.
I’ll give you a toy Dragon to hang on your beautifully, amazing Christmas tree. 
The elves say your manger set there…is truly a sight of wonder, to be seen.

What! You agree! Dragon and all will be so touched, so, until then Merry Christmas! 
And to All a Good Night, and Thank you… Dear Santa Claus!


Details | Footle | |

CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOOTLES

Bad gifts Cause rifts Be rash Spend cash Debit Credit Worthwhile Their smile Jan Allison 20th December 2014