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Christmas Funny Poems | Christmas Poems About Funny

These Christmas Funny poems are examples of Christmas poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Christmas Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Light Poetry | |

A Christmas Carol

Oh the Ghosts, Oh the Ghosts!!!
The Ghosts of Christmas shall haunt the wicked
They shall haunt the bitter and sorrowful decrepit creatures
Your hunched back and wallet will be no shield
For the three ghosts of the Christmas past

I Sir am the ghost of the Christmas past
Fear not I shall do yee no harm
That, you have already done upon your own wicked soul
Yes, that is you, as a young man, full of piss and vinegar as they say
Oh I know, you young ones then called it love, sore sight that was

I sir am the ghost of the Christmas present
Fear not, the bitter cause their own harm, not I for sure
They seethe within their own discontent and folly
The chains you hear old scrooge, are not mine
They are the irons that chain your heart to the wheel of wealth

I sir am the ghost of Christmas future
Fear not, for there is hope for all mankind
Even you, who counts coins like lovers count kisses
When you wake, you shall remember not, all these wise illusionary dreams
Old scrooge, the gift of mercy shall bestow a last grasp at happiness, take yee    hold!!!

The most festive of December days, the sun rose in the cold brisk air
Scrooge awoke, and the inexplicable sound of laughter filled his dreary bedroom
Pure unadulterated joy from the grumpiest of old men
The maid fled in fear, what insanity must have possessed this bitter old lard
Ah but happiness was indeed in the air

On with his topcoat and hat, nary a moment to ponder
Of he went to his secretary’s house
Carol, Carol !!!! He exclaimed, yes, I am not mad not crazy nor insane, open the door!
Possessed maybe, but only of joy, that I, the one so filled with animosity
Now I see, by the grace of the god, the love before my very eyes!!!

Well Carol and Scrooge passed a very Merry Christmas indeed!!!!!


Notes: This take of “A Christmas Carol” is from fond memories as a child, when our Dad “made” us watch this movie over the years! Blessed are those with such fond childhood memories of Christmas! 

Copyright © arthur vaso

Details | Rhyme | |

SANTA'S SICK

Santa's hurting
head to toe
Santa's moving
kinda slow
Santa's sore
between the buns
Santa's got
the Christmas runs
Santa says
he has the flu
Santa's afraid
he'll give it to you
Santa should have
washed his hands
Santa needs to
change his plans
Santa needs
two bags this year
One for vomit
and one for cheer
Santa says
in spite of this blight
Merry Christmas to all
to all a good night

Contest: Jerry's "What's Up With Santa"
Date: 11-30-14
Poet: LyricMan

Copyright © Three Penguins

Details | Sonnet | |

Christmas Wishes for You

For anyone struggling in the holiday season!!

Although there's nothing much that I could add
to all the Christmas wishes ever made,
I'll wish for you that traffic won't be bad
the day you shop and that you may get paid
some kind of Christmas bonus for a change,
and when beneath the mistletoe you stand,
I hope you're not approached by someone strange,
but rather by a stranger who is grand!
And should you be so childish (I mean bold)
to ice skate on a lake or board the snow,
I pray for you that you don't catch a cold
or break a leg as down some hill you go.
My wishes, like my gifts, are kind of cheap;
May faith in them require no giant leap!

Copyright © Andrea Dietrich

Details | Rhyme | |

What's up with Santa

                                 I played a nasty joke on Santa
                                     once on Christmas Eve,
                                  I put some exlax in his milk,
                                       and he drank it clean.

                                                (hehe)

                           Now that’s one Christmas I remember,
                           Dad sat on the Lu till end of December




                              Another time we greased the roof
                                      My brother Clay and I,
                                       Hoping to catch Santa
                                      when we heard him cry.

                                                (Nothing)

                         Another Christmas I couldn’t forget soon,
                      Dads leg was in a cast, till the middle of June.




                        The next year we decided to write old Santa
                                    And apologize for our tricks,
                                   I guess old Nick squealed on us,
                                 Cause dad came with THE stick.

                                                   (Ouch)




                    I believe Santa's still mad at me and my brother Clay
               Cause he never brings our kids, presents on Christmas day.


                                              (Party pooper)


Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
11.29.2014
Contest: What’s up With Santa
G 4

Copyright © Brenda Meier-Hans

Details | Clerihew | |

Rudolph Clerihew

Rudolph Clerihew

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Lights up Santa’s path to steer.
For his nose to last through the night,
He sunbathes to charge up his light!


© Sandra M. Haight 2014 
   All Rights Reserved

~5th Place~
Contest: A Chrismas Character Clerihew
Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich

Copyright © Sandra Haight

Details | Quatrain | |

Twas the Night Before Christmas

(warning: adult humor) Twas the night before Christmas when I and my groom finally found a motel but with just one room. My groom was in the bathroom - leaving me alone- so that he could douse himself with some cheap cologne. I - in my red negligee - thought of bump and grind, visions of his sugar plums dancing in my mind. Then a noise I heard outside gave me such a fright! who was out there in the snow on our special night? Opening our small room’s door, I felt like a goof. It was just an icicle falling off the roof. Then I felt a sudden breeze. One unlucky bride! As the door behind me shut, I was locked outside. When upon my motel door I began to pound, it was clear that my dear groom did not hear a sound. Right before my startled eyes, what should then appear? Someone dressed as Santa Claus, filling me with fear! His eyes, though not so cheery, lit up, seeing me as he crossed the street and came stumbling drunkenly. I stood helpless, trembling in scanty siren red when an icicle fell down clunking my poor head. I revived in the ER, thong still on my rump! Underneath my bandage was an enormous lump. Thankfully my groom was there, smelling of Old Spice. But we’d have no chance to give gifts naughty and nice. At our room I later saw Santa Claus was there - that same guy who’d seen me in sexy underwear. Having seen my accident he’d informed my groom right before he then collapsed stone drunk in our room. Santa on our honeymoon with cheeks rosy red, (but not one “Merry Christmas”), stole our wedding bed. For Jerry's "What's up with Santa" Poetry Contest

Copyright © Andrea Dietrich

Details | Limerick | |

You'd Better Not Pout

Kicking Santa is not nice to do.
Chuck Norris has replaced him, 'tis true.
You'd better not pout,
or a swollen snout,
and a stocking of whoop-ass for you!
12/21/14 Contest: A Quintain Christmas Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich

Copyright © Arlene Smith

Details | Alliteration | |

12 Days of Christmas Craves

"12 Days of Christmas Craves" On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me 12 twinkling tiaras Eleven emerald elephants Ten Tiffany trinkets Nine naughty negligees Eight echoing elves Seven sequined stars Six sexy singers Five fake fingernails s s s Four furry foxes Three tingling tamborines Two turtledoves And peach tree in pail via e-mails s s s. *For P.D.'S 12 Days of Christmas. *Written by: Linda-Marie "Sweetheart".

Copyright © Linda-Marie SweetHeart

Details | Rhyme | |

My worst Date

Twas winter ninety-seven, all around the town
Houses lit up magically, parties all around.
Boyfriend says, come with me, to works Christmas dinner,
Dress up chic and sexy, looking like a winner.

Hair all done up, makeup on, gown that fits just right
We’ll impress his colleagues, I was such a pretty sight.
Ushered to our table, we sat with others there
Such a lovely evening, a truly posh affair.

Delicious food, friends were made, laughter filled the air,
A real nice Christmas party, memories to share.
Then came all the speeches, boring us all to death,
The best part was the here here’s, sniffing wines sweet breath.

Finally was time to dance, music filled the night,
Dancing in my ball gown which now was fitting tight.
Time and time we danced that night, in each other’s arms,
Him with me and me with him, showing off our charms.

Suddenly I laughed so hard, teeth went flying out,
Slide across the dance floor, feet pushing them about.
In a flash down on my knees, scurrying about,
Found the little suckers, and popped them in my mouth.

At the time I hoped and prayed nobody had seen,
When I popped them in my mouth, and where they had been.
Looking back, now I laugh, thinking it was funny,
I’m happy now my mouth can say “C’est la vie.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
10.26.2014
For Judy Konos Contest:
C’est la vie 
1st

Copyright © Brenda Meier-Hans

Details | Verse | |

Was It You - - - It Was Not Me

                                           



                                                    Who ate the biscuits

                                                    Who drank the milk

                                                     It was not the cat

                                                      Neither the rat

                                                    The platter is empty

                                                  and the milk is drunk out

                                               Is that YOU ..... it`s not ME .....

                                                 I think Santa has been here

                                                      Do you believe ?


                                                                                                                




26.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)

Copyright © Anne Lise Andresen

Details | Limerick | |

A LIMERICK CHRISTMAS THREE (3) .

Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .


Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...


What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++  on the top of the tree .
 

A COOL YULE , TO ALL YOU GOOD SOUPERS.....


Copyright © Sean Kelly

Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.

Copyright © Tony Lane

Details | Rhyme | |

Anansi and the Christmas Cake

It was Christmas time in Anansi’s house
But Anansi was snoring loud and deep
While all the house was up and busy
Sneaky Anansi was pretending to sleep

Anansi imagined lying on the beach
Soaking up some hot Jamaican sun
Christmas time with all its merriment
For Anansi was never, ever fun!

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To not have fun at Christmas time!

Last year whist fixing the Christmas baubles 
He was jumping up, extremely mad
Because all the baubles kept flying off
And the crooked angel looked very sad

When he tore off the wrapper from his gifts
He always hoped for a nice surprise
But every year his presents were the same
Eight pairs of socks and two colourful ties 

Poor Anansi - the church bells’ chime
No fun for you this Christmas time!

And Christmas dinner was never enough
Because his wife entertained the whole town!
Cold scraps of dinner left on a plate
And a squeeze to find a spot to sit down 

And playing party games was such a bore
Card games he never had the knack 
Charades would leave him a little confused
Legs tangled with Twister or stuck on his back

Poor Anansi, you can bet a dime
No fun for you this Christmas-time

Never anything good to watch on TV
And the Queen spoke too posh and too slow
He didn’t even have a favourite book to read
Poor, poor Anansi with his Christmas woe

But there was just one thing about Christmas
That Anansi couldn’t wait to partake
Every Christmas his wife would prepare
The most delicious, scrumptious Christmas cake

Every year he sliced the biggest piece
Leaving his family to fight for the rest
Delicious, scrumptious with a scoop of ice-cream
This Christmas cake was always the best

Anansi made sure that everyone had gone
Before he scurried down for his Christmas treat
He looked in the oven, the cupboard the fridge
But couldn’t find any Christmas cake to eat

 “Surprise,” said his wife from behind him
“We are having fruit salad for a change!”
Then she handed him a large Christmas bowl 
Filled with tropical fruits of all range.

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!

Copyright © Elayne Ogbeta

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.

Copyright © Tony Lane

Details | Rhyme | |

Retail Christmas 2

It's one week till Christmas
And we've had enough
Of grumpy old shoppers
Complaining about stuff.

They hate the line-ups,
They hate the cashiers.
They won't be happy 
Till they have us in tears.

The things they are after
Are long gone from the store.
They find it incredulous
We won't be getting more.

Last minute shoppers 
Are a pain in the rump.
Each night by closing
This place looks like a dump.

One more week to go,
I sure hope we make it
But in the meantime
We'll just smile and fake it.

Copyright © Francine Roberts

Details | Rhyme | |

The Christmas Song -Of Woe-

Overdue bills burning on an open fire
Debt collectors knocking at the door
Yuletide woes being sung by my husband
And I.R.S. sending letters to ignore

Everyone knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Would help to make the season bright
But we'll be eatin' beans,    'cause my pocketbook is clean
Oh!   We're out of Tums.......the house could blow tonight !!!

They say that Santa's on his way
But our petty cash won't jingle much today
So this mother hen is going to sit and cry
Because this hungry gal won't have an egg to fry!

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase....
To folks in Washington D. C. .........
Although the recession....has put us in depression...
Find devices,  to lower prices !!!.......
AND FIX THIS CRISIS!...........Would you pleeeeeeeease???
_____________________________________________________________________________

Just kidding....!!:)  In case the I.R.S. reads this!!

Original song:  "The Christmas Song" ..written by Mel Torme'....1944

Copyright © Carrie Richards

Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Sunshine

Make us some sunshine for Christmas Santa
It's mighty gloomy here, grey clouds over head
Put the color back into the day and moon light in the night
Bring me a tender heart and may kind words overflow

Santa you can bring it, bring it like no other
Call on the heavens to roll back the clouds
Warm my muscles and calm the aches
I won't ask for nothin' else Santa

Just put a warm glow in the sky!

Copyright © Doris Culverhouse

Details | Clerihew | |

Snowman




Snowman, who ‘s also as white as tissues
Wants to wear Santa Claus' pair of shoes
He sits right on top of two short poles
Down the snow he has his propelling rolls



Dec. 15,2014  6.05am







Ninth Place
Contest: A Christmas Character Clerihew
Judged: 12/19/2014
Sponsor: My fave, Poet Andrea

Copyright © Leonora Galinta

Details | Light Poetry | |

- CHRISTMAS DINNER -


To the cook: 
Thank you for the main course at our beautiful Christmas dinner ...... 
now you can rest, dessert is on the table.
And I'll do the dishes.


19.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)

Copyright © Anne Lise Andresen

Details | List | |

WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

WORST  CHRISTMAS   PRESENTS 


New toilet seat in pink and purple flowers.
Jockeyshorts with slogans which puzzle for hours.
Teeshirt printed with “McCartney Farewell Tour 2038”,
Because for me it may well be too late.
Title deeds to twin plots in a prestigious cemetery,
With 15% off on marble headstones when they bury.
Large framed picture of mother-in-law  herself,
Designed to fit perfectly over the den bar shelf.

Copyright © Sidney Beck

Details | Clerihew | |

Santa Clause

On Cristmas Eve, comes Santa Clause,
stuffing tons of cookies in his jaws.
It's no wonder he's Jolly and fat;
I would be too, if I ate like that.

Copyright © Arlene Smith

Details | Footle | |

A Disappointing Present

X-Box?
No, Socks!

Copyright © Sharon Smith

Details | Light Poetry | |

Naughty or Nice

Santa! Oh, Santa! Please listen to me. It’s for Dragon! I’m begging you, please!
Dragon didn't mean to be naughty! He’s crying! He’s even down, on his knees!
Christmas is coming! He wants to be nice! Heaven knows what, he’ll do next!
It’s been quite a week! Beyond his control! And, of course, you know, the rest!

First, he swooped in to help an old Lady, as she tried to walk across a street.
But the wind from his wings; caught her and blew her away, and into a heap!
He volunteered: as a candy stripper, helping patients, at a hospital, without reward.
No smoking allowed, with the seriously ill, his Fire blew up, that one LITTLE ward.

He raked all the leaves for old Mister Brown, for free; who was so very, pleased. 
He gave Dragon an at-a boy! And added a slap on his back, making him sneeze. 
Which startled a spark, from Dragons great mouth. It’s a pity… what they say…
Mr. Brown’s house won’t be finished rebuilding, till… next spring and a day.

Dragon helped with the neighborhood school playground… monitoring the swings.
Upon hearing the comment, “I want to go higher”, they found Space, was achieved.
Now, sad and so lost, Dragon checked out a place, Google Earth had blurred out…
Jets forced him down, it was a secret location, now wiki-leaks-men run, all about.

At an Old Folks Picnic, Dragon grabbed 2 oldsters, then sat on a 3rd, one windy day.
Stopping them from being blown away, the 3rd leaves intensive care, soon, they say.
Baby sitting, a baby that kept crying, Dragon grew so upset, smoke billowed forth.
The firemen decided, until his smoke is under control, ‘no babysitting’, henceforth!

Santa is great! This we all definitely know! To get all these problems under control... 
He said ‘don’t try so hard!’ As he found Dragon’s heart not only nice, but pure gold! 
Peace was ensured, as he sent Dragon home… for his family to enjoy, and to enfold!  
Now life will be better, for all! I’m sure!… Or so I do hope, to behold!

But… Pardon me, Santa… Did you just… say?… He’s officially nice, in your view?
Santa, perhaps a warning is due. His wish list, 2 miles long, is coming to you!
For all, it’d been quite a week, mission accomplished, as Santa gave a knowing wink!
‘Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Peace on Earth’, even with Dragon around, me-thinks.

Copyright © Carol Eastman

Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Dinner Fiasco

"Christmas Dinner Fiasco" on Christmas Eve, family gathered for "Feast of Seven Fishes" an old Italian tradition while wrapping gifts with expectant wishes hubby decided to play Chef Boyardee complete with hat and apron, a fun sight to see the kitty cats circled dinner table to pounce licking their whiskers, smelling each tasty ounce. pumpkin bread baking and homemade apple pie whipped cream and hot fudge enjoyed with warm sigh candied sweet potatoes with buttered rolls and biscuits diet food hidden away like melba toast and triscuits aromas so yummy the puppies were squealing soon there was a stampede, sent the kitchen Chef reeling. tree trimming time once dinner was finished spirits running high with no chance to diminish all seated to say grace before this marvelous meal with colorful palette' and great appetite appeal underneath the table came growling and gnashing as felines and canines, over dripping crumbs, were clashing. the Chef lost his temper and scooted pets to the yard from inside the hacienda those onry pets were barred but the doggie door was unlocked so began the invasion pets on parade on a Christmas Eve occasion the desserts lined the table like poetic pop art creme puffs with rum and rice cakes a la carte'. coffees were carried next to Christmas tree tinsel and garland with musical lights mystery but Cali the cat had his own idea of fun 'twas entangled in garland with paws in a bun and Gabby had stolen a piece of creme puff his black face was white as snowflake soft fluff. the Danes sniffed out chew sticks from their stockings as Raider and Golden ran round the tree in flocking and sweet little Venus was as good as a dream enjoying her peaches as she swirled in whipped cream Christmas dinner fiasco provided laughs with love as we sang "Deck the Halls' to the good Lord above. *For Francine Robert's Christmas Dinner With Humor. *Dec. 2, 2012.

Copyright © Linda-Marie SweetHeart

Details | Limerick | |

Pets on Parade

"Pets on Parade" on Christmas Eve two kitty cats were sleeping as Santa Claus climbed down the chimney creeping Excalibur started to purr Gabriel raised his black fur poor Santa was startled and began weeping. while Santa was chased by playful felines trotting toward them a band of hungry canines sweet Venus the white Wstie was growing quite testy for commotion interrupted her night sublime. Thor and Thunder twin midnight blue great danes frolicked in fun as Santa reached for red candy canes they took giant licks opened Santa's bag of tricks as Raider the Shepherd smeared frosty windowpanes. pretty pets on parade on Christmas Eve had a jolly good time you best believe sharing cookies and milk with the Moon smooth as silk and Santa was so happy to leave. *For SKAT'S Calling All Pet Poems ..

Copyright © Linda-Marie SweetHeart

Details | Rhyme | |

My Favorite Holiday

It seems my Christmas spirit has gone up in smoke,
‘Cause every single Christmas I always end up broke!

To give and get a gift or two, with little or no use,
But “it’s the thought that counts,” seems to be the best excuse!

It’s just another day to splurge on Mom’s Christmas feast,
With all our favorite relatives… and the ones we like the least!

So I’m poorer and fatter on yet another day…
Oh, what the heck; I’ll enjoy the wreck of my favorite Holiday!

Copyright © Marilyn Hernandez

Details | Villanelle | |

The Tree is Up-

The tree's up, though not looking very prim
its needles are shriveling and dying, 
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

The cat destroyed the decorative trim,
she says not, but I just know she’s lying,
the tree's up, though not looking very prim.

With kid’s socks hung the house smells like a gym
and my wife's upset and won’t stop crying,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

Dog got the turkey so pickings are slim 
he just lays around hacking and sighing, 
the tree's up, though not looking very prim.

Strong winter winds are a scary prelim
to a blizzard as the snow keeps flying,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

I got up to check the lights on a whim
and found the extension cord was frying.
The tree's up, though not looking very prim,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

Copyright © Emile Pinet

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Hound

My dog likes the decorations from the Christmas tree, He can eat them without any guilt because they are fat free. He knows which stocking belongs to him and he checks it every day, He checks it by chewing it up, it’s a game he likes to play. Sometimes in the candy dish I will find a suspect slobber mark, I know that he’s been sampling both the milk chocolates and the dark. He ate a whole roll of wrapping paper the kind with shinny foil, Then for dessert he had a bow and some curly ribbon from the coil. He helps us to remember the good times when Christmas time has gone, When the snow melts in the spring and we find spangles on the lawn.

Copyright © Tony Lane

Details | Haiku | |

What Does The Elf Say

What does the elf say?
“Santa Claus is a great boss.
He hired Mini Me.”

Copyright © Jerry Stevenson

Details | Clerihew | |

Ole' Saint Nick



Too many cookies for "Ole' Saint Nick"
he got hung up on a brick
wedged in the flue
his red cheeks turned to blue...

Copyright © Rick Parise