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Abc Funny Poems | Abc Poems About Funny

These Abc Funny poems are examples of Abc poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Abc Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | ABC | |

Idiots like you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Idiots like you,
belong in a school'
Don't get upset,
I went there too,
I passed all my classes,
cuz I was smarter than you,
But hey don't you worry'
You wont be one for long'
Just pass all your classes,
Go on what you waiting for,
an invitation?
No I don't think so 
go right now.

Details | ABC | |

Errata Poem

"A person's tongue is a twisty thing, 
     there are plenty of words there of every kind, 
         and the range of words is wide, and their variation." 
               -- HOMER, The Iliad

When I say ice cream read I scream
When I say phonology read phone allergy
When I say insinuate read in sin you ate
When I say four candles read fork handles

When I say mint spy read mince pie
When I say greénhouse read green hoúse
When I say bláckboard read black boárd
When I say mesher read measure

When I say Alpine read alpine
When I say vowels read dishtowels
When I say Homophone read home on phone
When I say Polish read polish

When I say sonorant son of ant
When I say i.c.u. read I see you
When I say Lent read lent
When I say Turkey read turkey

When I say euthanasia read youth in Asia
When I say depreciate read deprecate
When I say farther read further
When I say collision read collusion

When I say endocentric read exocentric
When I say pharynx read larynx
When I say thought read though
When I say phonemic read phonetic

When I say weather read whether
When I say China read china
When I say call on phones read allophones
When I say stuffy nose read stuff he knows

© Joseph, 10/4/08
© All Rights Reserved

Comments:  The Errata poem is based on mistake in speech or speaking, a Freudian slip,
mispronounced words, homophonic pronunciation, etc. Paul Muldoon from Ireland, and 
Charles Simic from Yugoslavia wrote Errata poems based on this definition.  The Errata poem 
is a Linguists paradise.


Joseph S. Spence, Sr., is the author of "The Awakened One Poetics" (2009), which is 
published in seven different languages. He invented the Epulaeryu poetry form, which 
focuses on succulent cuisines and drinks. He is published in various forums, including the 
World Haiku Association; Poetinis Druskininku, Milwaukee Area College, Phoenix Magazine; 
Möbius Poetry, and Taj Mahal Review to name a few. Joseph is a Goodwill Ambassador for 
the state of Arkansas, USA, a college faculty, and a military veteran.


Details | ABC | |

My Father's cleats

 It’s funny how my father’s hobby became mine. He has been a sportsman all his life, he played basketball, volleyball and softball all his youth, but his real passion is soccer and even though he is 55 years old now, he still keeps playing it and loving it. He has had all kinds of cleats, all brands, all colors, different styles, but it does not change anything, he still plays amazing. But one thing I do find hilarious is that every time he comes from a game, he cleans his cleats, he washes them and takes them with such an unbelievable affection, that I’m beginning to think that he might love them more than he loves me, but now I do know the feeling of a new shiny, hard and beautiful pair of cleats. I still recall when he took me for my very first pair, I could not believe he was doing it for me, I was so excited, but now I realize that what I was excited about is that I could be like my father for just a moment when I had them on. Ever since I was little, I remember my daddy playing soccer, leaving home all dressed up, ready to fight, and win the ball to make a remarkable roll on the field. The playing field that we both love, the field all covered in grass, all green, so delicious and soft, so colorful… being crashed by everyone’s cleats and the rolling ball, feeling the sunlight on our skin, and the wind on our faces. Having a team, an extra family with whom we could find support and create new ideas, new plays so we could smash the opponent. So yes, I loved watching him play and cheering him up more than I could ever like watching official and famous soccer teams. I do find funny the fact that my father’s hobby became mine since everyone says we’re too similar, and even though he also has a son, his daughter is with whom he shares that connection. I love the fact that our simple relationship was started thanks to such a manly sport, and curiously, to transform me into such a girly girl.

Details | ABC | |

ABC doodle

**ABC  FUN**

Funny vs' Rude~~
agrestic bugaboo creeps, dandle 
other', footle  gleeking,
happy, izzat...jillick, kibitz, ludic, 
maffick, nothosonomia, 
osculating, proudly,  quizzing, riant, 
to unstable void, whelm, Xanthippe, 
yodle, zingy. 

Dark Death~~
aphotic burnt cardinal debris 
everywhere,  flammeous, 
growing haematic,  igniting, 
jeopardizing, killing, lava, 
madness, numb, 'Oppositional-
pulse, quantity, 
rage, staged, tempered, under, 
virescent, watch, XXX, yield, zero. 

Dream a little Dream~~
Accelerator, beating, captivating 
dreaming, eruption, 
fingerprints, ghost haunting, 
'keebler-keeper', labyrinth, magic, 
nightmare, odyssey, 
path, quarantine, rainbows, snakes, 
unconsciously, vertigo, 
'wakening2wetness', x-rated, 

Dedicated and inspired by; Yasmin 


Details | ABC | |

I Lost My Green Card

The immigration is coming for me 
I live in a two bedroom house with eight other families 
We will be deported, this process includes a meal, so our stomachs will be full 
I dream at night for beans, rice and burritos 
I cook my burritos in fat, heavy lard 
I check my pockets, now I'm worried, I think I lost my green card 
I have gas and burps because of the food 
I want to make bambinos, but the senora is not in the mood 
She's not ready, she says I'm pushing too hard 
Now she's mad, flushes my wallet down the toilet, there goes my green card 
Now rice and beans will be my meals three times a day 
The immigration is the predator and I'm the prey 
I sneak through a hole in the fence 
This shows the border patrol is incompetent 
I am again caught and sent back across the border 
I will miss the reruns of Law and Order 
Sam Waterson can't win a case, what a retard 
This all goes back to when I lost my green card

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The Vent

im livin in a world, where all eyes on me.
trying to curve my own route.
but route 66 keeps finding its way to me.
ive been plenty sick, in all the events layed before me.
even when i reflect to my lowest points
i dont regret any of the choices
That I’ve deployed in my era
A lot of it by error, but hey
We live in hell conditions and there ain’t no air condition 
Or any guidelines when life throws you in the sidelines
But when hindsight twenty twenty hits
You’ll begin to understand life’s a bunch of equations and you in the mix of it
An you’ll have to think twice, before running into a situation and becoming the best of it
it’s what got me here, it’s what got us here
Ran with my thoughts blazing up to her place and
Guess what happened next
She opened up heaven’s gate
And just before late I slipped out
Simply put 
I’m a Grown ass man
Doin his thing, waitin to blow up like an old land mine
In doin what he drools over
But time after time 
Something decides to creep up and cover the light
Lost my way
Then I revoked to ever know, I ever thought that way
But in the in between time, that in the mean time 
Spent a lot of time
Gettin pissed off just to medicate and lift off
Don’t need Don Perion to sip off
Already had my way with the bottle
Even thought to get back with the trouble and rejoin the hustle
That’s just what happens to a man who really knows his old ways
Whos tired of making ends meet and ponders getting back to the streets.
Memory sets in and he remembers an O.G. saying
No matter how tall your pockets stand when you ball
Eventually times gonna make you fall
And I as I pull myself together 
I don’t wanna end up like the twin towers rubble
I mean no offence to nine eleven but at that time I probably could have used a reverend
But all that’s irrelevant now
because i live with a different perspective now

there you go you made it to the end :-) comment if you like, constructive criticism wanted as well.

Details | ABC | |

Black Jack

Black Jack dealers
Counting money
Dealing the cards
Taking all my money!!!!

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odd coffee date

All was going well until she asked for a drink
Then my stomach started to sink
She ask “do you have coffee?”
“no it’s OCD”

Stood up, turned 80 degrees
Counted my steps, ones and threes
Get the scales and measure the grains
In nerves, must not make any stains

Add the milk, not too much
Now the sugar, just a light touch
Click the kettle, watch my watch
If she was Irish, I could always add scotch

Click! Pour the water
63 mm size always matters
A quick stir, a wee bit slower
Too high make it lower

Turn clockwise, go for the door
Marching like in the marine corps
There she is lying in a heap
I was  hours, she’s fast asleep

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The Whooper

The whooper
I went fishing the other day.Caught a fish that I was surprised.
The fish was a least six inches long. 
I took my fish and went to the market to look for beer.
Their I told, the butcher I caught a fish.
That was 12 inches long.
On the way to my house I saw a cop friend of mine.
I told him that i had a fish that was 18 inches long.
I stopped for a few beers at the bar I saw joey the postman.
I told joey that i had a whopper of a fish that was 
Two feet long

Details | ABC | |

Why does it have to be , ABCD and not WXYZ

Zooming at the very end
Yelling around I find my way
Xtremely touchy and tearful
Why does it always have to be
                      ABCD and not WXYZ!

Details | ABC | |

The Three Floozies Mary, Flo and Burly (A known Feminist)

Come join the three for another cheap, meaningless day in their lives
They consider themselves to be hip, part of the same sex marriage, Burly the 
husband, Flo and Mary the wives
Their day always starts at the breakfast table bashing  the males that exist 
They wish the males could be on the endangered species list
Sometimes things change among the three, as the estrogen level rises in Burly
Once a month, she wants to be a wife and act very girly
As for Mary and Flo, they think Oprah is hot
Burly thinks Rosie O'Donnell has the goodies she so much has sought
They sip their Busch Beer out of Nascar Coozies
There is no more room for anymore women within the circle of The Three 
From their point of view, all men should be women's slaves
Burly  has a strong scent of Old Spice after shave
They love watching domineering women type movies
The popcorn is shared by all Three Floozies
They go out to only all girls clubs
They cheer on the under dogs, their favorite one is the Chicago Cubs
Their closets are full of clothes by Dickies
They leave each other love notes on little stickies
Mary likes champagne on a store brand  soda budget
Flo likes Butterbeans with cumin to make them smell pungent
Burly likes Pickled Eggs and sardines
Burly's favorite movie line is In space no one can hear you scream
Flo's favorite movie line is Go ahead, make my day
Mary's favorite movie line is My name is Chucky, do you wanna play?
Burly dreams of one day wrestlin' steers
Mary is concerned that Burly one day will leave, that's her worst fear
Flo watches the WWE, she is such a loyal fan
Burly uses her forehead to smash empty beer cans
None of you are mothers, so on your peanut butter selection, quit being choosy
Mary, Flo and Burly are today's Three Floozies

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The Doctor Visit

The Doctor Visit
I went to the doctors today.
He came in to the room.
He asked do you smoke. 
I said "Why now do you see any?"
He said,"do you drink", I said," Why do you need one?"
Then he said. "Strip off you close".
I said," I hope you 're not taking off yours"!
Then the doctor said. "Can I see your ears?"
I said,'i clean them everyday"
Then he says. "Broaden your mouth and stick out your tough,".
I said,"I only do that a to my wife"!
Then he says."Why are you here today?"
I said,"Why Don't you know you 're the doctor"!

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Movie Mayhem---and I'm Exhausted

"American Grafitti" took me back again to High School in the 1960's
"Back to the Future's" nifty hot rod took me back in time and almost left me!

"City Slickers" took me way out west, to rustle cows and ride a horse
"Da Vinci's" code, did not bode well, the Vatican did not endorse!

"E. T. " turned out to be my friend, we peddled bikes far past the moon
"Forrest Gump" shared my lunch, and shared his chocolate just past noon

"Groundhog Day" is darn confusing, is it Monday or is it Tuesday?
"Hannibal" is one cruel dude,..........he sharpens teeth so he can chew me!!

"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" invited me to toast their wedding
"Jaws"  invited me to take a swim!   Those who did, were soon regretting!
"King Kong", was one poor ape who climbed too high for past mistakes, 
"Lincoln" had too much at stake, but ended war between the states

"Mummy 1" and "Mummy 2"   made me cry for Mommy,...PLEASE!
"No Country for Old Men"...but young dudes look, and want to leave!

"O' Brother Where Are Thou?"  escaped their chains to play like Ringo
"Psycho's" bathtubs scare me silly, my next motel will be Flamingo's

"Quarantine" because I'm sick? If  I stay in bed, they call me lazy
"Rosemary's Baby"...yikes that kid? Babysit....?? Are you crazy?

"Superman" claimed that he could help me, but flew away with no advice
"Titanic" hit a piece of ice, (that Superman was not so nice!)

"Unforgiven" (now is Superman)...Clint Eastwood is the slicker guy
"Valkyrie"'s plot has thickened...Let's all poke Hitler in the eye!

"When Harry Met Sally" I was jealous....her cafe' scene has made me blush
Xanadu had me roller faster, while I'm dating

"Young Sherlock Holmes" was just a kid, I kid you not, he met his Watson
"Zoolander" 's slacks were Cuban made..  I borrowed some and they were awesome!

(and I'm exhausted!) 

For Cyndi's exhausting ABC contest!! Whew!

Details | ABC | |

I've got a crush

candy yams- smellin' like spam...I like green eggs, and maybe some ham
lookin' like Gina, but with a shape like Pam...
I called and emailed her a dozen times, like spam
...she never liked me, always told me to scat and scram...
I'm tellin' you, she had a body like WHAM! and if I could touch her, I'd be like damn! my dreams...we make love and we ram...
all night long, we just bam...
I want to get with her one day and we'll be a happy fam...
cause the perfect catch for her, is what I am...
why don't you like me...huhh excuse me mam...
about my feelings I'm not lying to you, this is no scam
we could go out for breakfast, did I mention I like green eggs and possibly ham?
...I'm so obsessed, it's like I'm possessed...I look thru her window and take pictures with my cam...
hopin' I could get my jelly and we could make it jam...
...cause she's so fine, she so sexy, she's just so glam
close my eyes, count 1, 2, 3...she will be with me

Green eggs and ham

Details | ABC | |

The Garbage Truck

As we stop, I pull out my jar of Vic's vapor rub 
I put some up my nostrils, this job you cannot love 
But it pays the bills, I make my living 
Trash day is when people are most giving 
They are selfless when getting rid of what they see as junk 
Whew! That smell from the back of a garbage truck 
I spot a pair of shoes for my kid 
I will wash them first, get rid of the odor of rotted squid 
My niece's birthday is coming up soon 
I found a playhouse with dishes, forks, cups and spoons 
It's family night tonight at home 
The unknown video I found will be shown 
Finding the right stuff is a matter of luck 
It is just my point of view from the back of a garbage truck 
I found a half a bucket of KFC 
I take a smell, it smells as fresh as can be, what a surprise for my family 
Two hours later, the family can't keep their meal down 
They are so ungrateful about the food I found 
I am on a strict budget, I have to find a way to save a couple bucks 
More dinners will be found because I work on the back of a garbage truck 

Details | ABC | |


You send bolts through my skin 
something I was never to 
accomplish with you, when I 
saw you it's like my heart sank 
to my stomach and I was in 
shock my body still my body 
heavy felt like when I moved I 
was about to fall to my knees 
you make me want to get 
inside my brain pick you up and 
take you out pick you one by 
one like a flower because I do 
love you and love you not.

Details | ABC | |

the end

The End
The Beginning

The Middle.

The End.

Details | ABC | |

Soup of Doris

A quiet almost abrupt person
Believes in heaven and eternity
Culverhouse, cuddly cheer giver
Dang dandy Doris
Enjoys food rich and sweet
Funny in a dry sort of way
Girl in my mind freckles and bangs
Handy and loves to learn

For Tracie Edwards contest
thanks for the inspiration!!

Details | ABC | |

Old Man

Around the Corner Contest
(WINTER is around the corner)
By Sally Wood
Old Man
There's an old man I heard is new in town
They say he's not shy as he takes over the land
His business is snow and ice and cold rain
The neighbors are talking he's all the rage

He changed the scenery his very first day
While the trees lost their leaves and died away
He has a blower for harsh cold winds and rain
And later he'll order people to dress his way

This old man has taken over our town
People are running in attempts to escape his plans
They wear heavy clothing, boots, and hats on their heads
As they pass him, he laughs, he has nothing to dread

Yes, there is a new old man in town
Who has people angry and avoiding his frown
He'll keep on moving a few months down the line
But for now, our town won't be free for quite some time!

Details | ABC | |

Rocky Mountain Oysters Over Meatballs

So you are choosing Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
You love to eat them from a zip loc bag at the mall
You grew up in the deep south  eating these odd things
For instance, you choose chicken feet with toe nails instead of chicken wings
You said you would eat the Rock Oysters with spaghetti or rice, it really doesn't 
Sometimes you eat them fried in a Tempura Batter
Do you ever feel remorse knowing some baby pigs are missing their Pa
All because you prefer Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
I can't condone your preference for  what you would call a tasty treat
Something is wrong passing up boiled eggs for pickled pig's feet
The stuff you eat would have me being a frequent flyer to a bathroom stall
I can't get past  you showing favorites to Rocky Mountain Oysters Over Meatballs
Did anyone tell you what they really are
It's not something you eat with a date gazing at the stars
My mind has always been open to try different things
But I need to draw the line eating a male animal's bling bling
I've eaten camel, horse, octopus even legs of frogs
Down in Tijuana, I ate tacos made from dog
You say what's wrong with this, I share these with my  in laws
Another advantage is Rocky Mountain Oysters cost less than your run of the mill 
Have you tried them with a little bit of Texas Pete
Rumor has it they started with sheep on the island of Crete
I do however like a good seasoned batch of Collard Greens
Can't quite completely criticize the South, I am caught in between
 But I do get a kick out of the deep Southern Drawl
But I am still a Yankee when declining Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs

Details | ABC | |

the Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter
I grab my gun and to the woods. Thinking today will be fun.
I stand next to a tree not to pee .Justas I see a bear coming towards me.
I drop my gun and start to run. 
As I hear my gun go bang. I look to see the bear on the run.
But on the ground under a tree I see . A deer just for me.
So I take my deer and have another beer. 
Thinking deer meat for me tonight

Details | ABC | |

I Stole a Portalette

I work hard at work and then at home
In the bathroom is the only place I am King of the throne
There is such a thing as a honey do list
And at work so much to do, no time for bliss
I did something that I know I will never regret
I went and stole a portalette
It fits perfect in the corner of my back yard
I notice the neighbors outside working real hard
We negotiate an admission fee for them to use it
I put up a sign that reads Enjoy it,  but don't abuse it
I hire the Chicanos around the corner to add some graffiti
I took advantage of Zero percent financing  from Sears to install some central air 
and heating
Next summer I will expand it and add another wall
This will be where I will have a spa
I just put in cable tv to provide entertainment
Now my friends want to steal their own portalette
I told them construction sites are probably an ideal place to get one
I tell them to check and see how full it is,  because spilling it ain't no fun
If it is full,  complain to the Site Foreman so he will get it emptied, thus, making it 
easier for you  to handle
Be careful of the methane gas, use a flashlight, not a candle
Odo Ban works better than Febreeze
Try to place it under some shade trees
It will keep the temperature inside moderate
Take pride in your newly acquired  portalette
If you treat it right, it will provide you with this one thing
It may not happen in your own home, but in your portalette you can always be King
But now you get into the issue of His or Hers
Another visit to the construction site may have to occur

Details | ABC | |

The Horse Race

The Horse Race. 
The announcer says the horse is at the gate.
There is wee willy on your just silly;
Patty shes riding cupcake bite.
Dick hes on hiccup.
The gate open and they are off. It's dick on hiccup, cup cake and wee willy on just 
As the get to turn one it's willy on just silly,Dick has hiccup at second and patty 
riding third with cupcake.
In turn two it's just silly,hiccup and cupcake. Turn four its cupcake,hick just silly 
And now at the wire you got hiccup just silly and cupcake.
People we have to stop the race. Wee Willy on just silly ate patty cupcake which 
gave him the hiccups

Details | ABC | |



              CHRIS NWIGWE

Details | ABC | |

recipe for a poem

Recipe for a poem.
A recipe for a poem
Paper or computer of any kind.
Pen or keyboard which ever you have.
A good thought of mind. Which may intercept by some silly word you might 
A very little skill.Which will improve if the mind does not go blank.
A good closing if you needs to go out quickly. 
And not say goodbye because you will write once more.
Go to work and write.
O, Don't forgot to spell words right might help.

Details | ABC | |

A Glurmy Gleepcious Glorp

I plurm and glorp with every breath
My existence defies and deifies death

I splurp and glomph amongst your days
Indistinguishable from mud and haze
I slig and slorg, a dark breamy blaze
with unctuous vim I sleam through your days
and go about my large gorptious ways

Slimy, I slawl in shades of grey
leaving glossful drippings to mark my way
and make your life gang aft agley
as I spream and slorl in spurious ways
and glurm and gleep with hideous gaze
I sleam and glort in vorptious dark ways

‘Til you come undone
And my sporphing’s won!

My job’s complete – I’ve sprunked your flaze
My job is done, I’ve gronked your days!

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I'm as young as I feel



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He knocked me off my feet

Today i knocked off early
What a day it was
Impatience is riding my soul
Like a hungry horse in the field
Anxious to reach the bus stop

I waited for my bus ride
Singing and counting the minutes
I dressed like a lil girl
Waiting to see her 1st crush
Grinning from ear to ear

And then... There he was
My lil stallion dressed in black
Moving like a devil on steroids
He don't notice
But i turn all purple with envy

FInally i gather all my scattered guts
Move up close to him
My heart thumping, bet he heard that
Cos his lips twisted with charm
Gosh he's pretty

I was about to move my lips
And whisper "hello sir"
But he beat me to it
He said "hey sexy"
I held my breathe in then out

I lost my grip and felt dizzy
People cheered in awe
... He had a tunnel inside his mouth
All his front teeth had disappeared
It wa all dark and scary

As i regained my sanity and opened my eyes
His lips were locked in mine
Mouth to mouth they said
Soft and juicy so warm against
I died in his arms for good

Today he's my husband... Till teeth do us part
He's my teethless husband and i love him

Details | ABC | |

The A to Z of Girls I've Met II

I had gotten to that stage,
Where true love was but a mirage.
When one is hurt too many times
By these daughters of Eve,
The heart must surely cease to give
Until such a time as right
To smile again and see the light.
Miranda, fairest of them all
Adored our trips to the mall.
I could tell from her charming eyes
That her love would be my demise,
So I fled with what coins I had left,
For her love was akin to theft.
That was when I met my Nora.
By all that’s sweet, she had an aura!
Pretty young thing, genteel with her voice,
Of many boys she was the choice.
Flawless, petite, her looks were fine.
I swore by love to make her mine.
Lovely were those nights we shared.
But like I’m sure you must have heard,
The flawless ones are just as marred within.
She had a love affair with gin.
Then came the age of Olivia,
The sight of whom did make me shiver.
Kind with words, light on her feet,
The kind of girl you’d love to meet.
Many were those that saw the sight
Of our love, both day and night.
Looks of envy, of jealousy
I mistook them all to be,
For they were looks of pity,
 As it turned out my Olivia
Was liberal with her Banana.
Pauline rescued me from distress,
Mended me like a seamstress.
I gave my heart, to her my all,
I felt so bad she fled with Paul.
 Was at the base, looking up,
When I saw a damsel stop.
Lovely, round, Quinta was her name.
Her looks were calm, her manners tame
I really wished she’d stay the same,
 But to when she left, from when she came,
Deception was her only game.
 My path to love had been so rough,
So hard, rugged, it made me tough.
It wasn’t long ‘fore I met Rose,
Pretty, sweeter by the dose.
To her I took an instant liking.
But once we went bike riding,
She met a long lost cousin,
T’wards whom she showed uncanny liking.
Well, that was fair, or so I thought,
Till the day in bed, them both I caught.
Like I said, I’d become tough
And her little act was not enough
To get this old stallion
Weep from pain and feel alone.
I marched right on.
The wind brought in Sylvia,
So pious, in love with prayer.
Nearly was I fooled
By her style, the way she schooled. 
Saintly demon she proved to be,
Sworn to stay the same eternally.
Thelma just didn’t get it right.
She lit a quarrel, then a fight.
Her seasoning too was prone to loiter.
It’s thanks to her I’m free from goiter!
Ursula, a foreign girl I met,
 Was close to base and thickly set.
Many were the times her mind was set
On losing all my savings in a bet.
She saw no bars,
She kept no laws.
The time we shared was but a loss.
Why all this fuss?
Why all this pain?
I held them all in such disdain,
And swore by life I would detain
My heart with bonds of chain
Till came that time when girls be sane.
At last it came, or so I thought,
As Vanessa, misfortune brought.
Her looks were fine,
Her smile was nice, 
But all she knew to make was rice.
Winifred too followed the cue,
And like you know I wish I knew,
She was a night rider,
A hidden foe, a crouching tiger.
Many were the nights
My phone will ring,
And I’d hear the same song sing: 
“Winnie got drunk and hit the gutter,
By all that’s holy, please come get her.”
Xena was one like none I’d met.
She broke a lie without a sweat.
I recall one time I heard
Her on the phone, caught every word.
“Who was that?” I had to ask.
It proved to be no sweating task!
“It was my dad”, I think she said,
 But she forgot her dad was dead!
I had to go, I could not stand
The way her stories sank in sand.
Yvonne, this girl I met in school,
Had eyes that made you drool.
I did her bid, I played her fool,
It’s sad to know I was her tool.
Zenobia, legs that wouldn’t stop,
Passed by and made my molars drop!
Scantily clad, she caught my eye,
That’s how it works, don’t ask me why!
I loved her gold and blue hair dye.
This was it, I’d found my love
Sent to me from up above.
But she was a business woman
Out to sell to the richest man.
“Does love exist?” I asked myself.
I should just shove it on a shelf.
Please don’t conclude, don’t get me wrong,
I love the ladies, mind not my song.
Just an art, nothing negative,
So please let’s not get sensitive.
This is fun, it’s all a joke. 
That was me just being a bloke!

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I have a cat named Hasty
the absoulte center of my world.
Theres nothing on Earth that will make me,
give up my baby girl.
My house caught on fire
So I had to get up and go.
Watching my house burn on the oustside,
recording it with my I-Phone....Oops.

Details | ABC | |

Milk Sacks

Milk sacks here,
Milk sacks there,
Milk sacks now
Are everywhere.
Milk sacks right,
Milk sacks left,
Be they big,
Or be they small,
Heaven knows
I’ve seen them all
When on the streets
They point at me
And seem to hate
Their cotton shields.
Free lactose for all alive!
Oh my! How very kind.
Here is some bread,
Who’s got a cup?
I’ll have a squeeze
To go with those.
Someone please
Clear the crowded streets
Before we all get breast-fed!

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           CHRIS NWIGWE

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Moonshine Mama

In the backwoods of Virginia by a one room country shack
Stood a still that was a brewing that my Mama kept out back.
She kept a shotgun by the backdoor in an old potato sack
and when the travelers came a calling they brought money in a paper sack.

The bell tree was a blowing and you could hear that little ring
for a taste of that clear whiskey and the good times it could bring.

Now in the quietness of the night with a little light from the moon
Came the smoke that was rising from the making of the brew.
Mama had many names she called it and here are just a few...

Corn Liquor, Bush Whiskey, Hillbilly Pop, White Lightning and of course Mountain Dew.

It was warm when you drank it and had a kick like a mule
and if you needed resting you could sit on Mama's stool.

Now the lawmen would come a sneaking and try to find my Mama's brew
but the tin cans that were a hanging would alert her to the news
that someone was a snooping and trying to find her moonshine brew.

But out by Mama's shack was an old hole that she had dug 
to hid her jars of whiskey from the lawman that came a looking for her special brew.

They ain't never found her whiskey...but I still know where it is...   
and at times I sit on Mama's stool by that old bell tree
and have a sip or maybe two.

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Erotic, this
Him the
Impetus that
Persuade the
Undo her
Ways. Since then
Xerotripsing has

Re-submitted for the FIRST POEM contest

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Dancing Remains

Starving cats shriek to a full, hopeless moon
The thick air drips with decay and rank ruin
Feral dogs scream, adding pain to the chorus
Extending an invite to those gone before us

Fred Astaire and Miss Rogers they clearly are not
As they stumble and scrabble up through Hadean rot
Their eyes wormy sockets, foul-toothed, dangling jaws
Macabre click-click-clicking sounds a hellish applause

Dry bones clack-clacking, grotesque, face to face,
Partner holds partner in hideous embrace
These skeletal dancers reek a rancid perfume
Unsure and undead, their lives re-resume

Their clattering waltz is relentless and jerky
As they dance to hell’s music, unrhythmic and murky
The conductor’s malevolent, ghoulish, reviled
His empty eyes glitter, black flames burning wild

Clarinets scrape the nighttime with fractals of silence
As violins offer melodies of mayhem and violence
Percussion and horns build a battlefield wall
‘Til there is no escape from the dead dancers’ ball

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do i suck at poems or something

no compliments
no insults
all im looking for is some results
don't be afraid to be honest
dammit i wants some answers
do i suck at poems or something?

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Busy As A BumbleBee i Go

                                          Busy As A BumbleBee I Go

Busy as a bumble bee I  go,
from flower to flower
with sweet things to bring home.

Busy as a bumble bee I go
just buzzing along.

 Busy as a bumble bee I go
with sweet love to bring home

                                                       buzz buzz buzz.........

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                        CHRIS NWIGWE

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It flips and flops from side to side 
and if the wind is blowing it will be going.
One ear is covered and the other is not
a curl or lock tied into a topknot.
Some look like a big fluffy feather that's been in a hazard
or the tail of a horse that's been forced.
Don't be scared because your missing hair
to a women a shinny bald spot is always hot!

1/23/15   T Reams

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One funny day,
a man and a wife,
attempted to bury a child,
alive and free
because she was sick,
all the times.

The couple who already
had a child,
found it hard to live with a child,
with a cleft lip.

What they did,
they tied her in rags and backcloth,
and placed her in the coffin,
hoping her to die before they reach,
their home place!

What impressed  me,
the baby didn't die miles and miles!
 But she cried  at  the grave,
when she was about,
to be buried at once.

The mourners heard the noise,
and all were shocked,
to discover the truth that the baby
was still alive.

It was a hard time round and round,
and difficult to believe.
What  a funny day,
and what  a funny act!

Ignorance in the world,
makes people mad,
and always  little knowledge,
makes the head sick,
and the brain at large.

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         THE PARTY

There's a party going on in my subconscious
There's a siesta in my head

if it wasn't for all this excitement
 i might as well be brain dead

There are fireworks in my motor area
New year in my cortex

in my cerebellum it's Christmas
who says all on my brain is sex

Da Predman powriginalpoems2makeu:)
Da Urban poetry collection 2002

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Crazy World

Crazy World

It’s funny how
The universities are still in business
Of producing graduates
That speak funny English
And hardly make invention
And the stock market falls
Down street tumbles
That lets people buy
And make profit
Like grandpa used to say,
True intellectualism died
In the year 1929
With the rise in acumen inflation
It was then that
This Federal Reserve of Ignorance
The true villain of this quandary
Traces its genesis
Hope that explains succinct
This universal impotence

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Come & taste my delectable cuisine
That tickles your senses you know what I mean
A palatable pleasure that teases & excites
This is my doing my connoisseurs delight

One taste a smell you're already hooked
Trust me my food never gets overlooked

A bite just a nibble craving for more
Once the word is spread they'll be cues at my door

Ready steady cook or come dine with me
To impress the masses I do so easily

A clove of garlic black pepper a shake
I could impress royalty with the food that I make

A natural flair I have & I love to create
I know it's not hard for one to appreciate
Yes give credit where credit is due
Hmmm methinks I'll have fish tonight dessert apple stew

Anyways that's enough of my idle boast
Salmon pate seems nice I'll have mine on toast

I actually have a gift with the rhyming  thing to
Come try my coq au vin delve into my vin da loo

From curried chicken to a tuna bake pasta
  Just like Levi Roots I'm one talented black brother

Da Predman powriginalpoems2makeu:)
The Urban Poetry Collection


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   To town I went one sunny day,
A little shopping I wanted to do.
I rolled the windows down in my car
And let the wind blow right on through.

   My destination wasn't far away.
I really enjoyed the ride.
But as I walked by a tinted glass
I saw that my hair had not survived.

   So, I used thay car window as a mirror,
And attempted to fix my hair.
Buy, little did I know I had an audience.
That car had people in there.

   You can imagine  how I must have felt
When my face I could no longer see.
But instead the window lowered
And three strangers were now looking at me.

   I was shocked beyond measure
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
But they laughed and said I made their day
So I smiled as they waved goodbye.

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Mark and Micheal,
were identical twins,
who would confuse,
every one in the world,
who do not know them.

One time came,
Mark bought a boat
that knocked the same day,
Micheal's mum died.

A few days later,
a funny old lady,
short and small,
mistaking him for his brother.

She said i'm sorry to hear
about your loss,
you must  feel  it terrible",
Mark, thinking that she
was meaning his boat.

He replied a big no,
really i'm glad to be rid of her,
she was a rotten old thing,
directly from the start.

Her engine was all shrivelled,
and smelled like a seven days 
dead dog!
she was always losing 
her  water and had a big
crack in the back,
even a pretty big hole in the front.

Every time i used her,
her hole becomes big,
and she leaked like crazy.

Finally i guessed,
what finished her when i rented
her the five big guys,
looking for a good time.

I warned them all,
she wasn't very good,
but all the fools tried to get
in her ! she split right up
the middle",
The old lady fainted.

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A trip to Mars

A trip to Mars
A trip to Mars will it be really far?
Should I bring something?
Should I take my roller skates?
Or just some more close to wear.
How about a change of underwear?
When I get there will I see a pink man.
Or just someone that stinks.
Will i see anyone i know from a far?
On this trip to Mars.


Details | ABC | |

Family Commandments

Family Commandments

Thou shall not pull thy sisters hair. Thou you shall chew thy food.
Thou shall not stay out until Midnight. Thou shall be in a better mood.
Though shall not answer me back. Thou you shall brush thy hair.
Though shall not wear that in public. Thou you shall behave in here.
Thou shall not give me cheek and run as fast as thou art.
Though shall not rush thy homework. Though you shall begin from the start..
Thou shall not scream at every opportunity no mater  if thy lungs be strong.
Thou shall not dance in tantrum. Thou you shall stay home where you belong.
Thou shall not eat me out of house and home. Though you shall get a job.
Thou shall not sit round like a bum. Thou you shall turn into a slob.
Thou shall not fight with your sister. Thou you shall give her a cuddle.
Though you shall not bunk away from school. Or Thou shall be in a muddle.
Thou shall not make noise while soaps are on, if you know what's good for thy ears.
Thou shall not blame your brother, Thou you shall see his tears.
Thou shall not ever worry, Thou I am here for you.
Thou shall not ever be sad. Thou you shall be happy It's true.
Thou shall not ever fret, even though we shall have our fears.
Thou shall never be alone. Thou you shall know we care.
Thou shall always have a life, Though u shall be happy and care.
Thou shall not have a problem alone. Thou you will know we are near.
Thou shall not take for granted, That shall be full of pride.
Though shall never wish for more, with thou family by thou side

By Shirley Moody

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Drunken Pen

I am a drunken pen, or at least thats what they call me in the betting shop at 4.55pm on a Saturday afternoon. Kept deep inside the cavity of a old polyester jacket to converse with a packet of wrigley's extra strong mints in the dark. I often find myself just listening intently to my master as he begins the day in articulated fashion, and slowly slivers his way towards a gibbering wreck of despair & destruction. He is struggling desperately to make ends meet, as i frequently share space with 1p & 2p. Yesterday i heard him chatting to himself in the kitchen whilst trying to open a tin of spaghetti hoops. Bills haven't been paid in weeks, and the odour that fills the atmosphere can only be matched by that in the backstreets of Calcutta...not that i've been there to experience the aroma.

My use is simple, i write bets! nothing more, nothing less. Starting the day in a elegant manner and posture my nib floats around the paper like a ice skater at the Montreal Olympics, and quite often i will polish the ego by scoring myself 6.0,6.0,6.0 for artistic impression. But as the hours roll by, and my master takes in the full range of liquid refreshment i find that my posture and style have deserted my being within three turns of a clock face. My master is slowly sinking into the abyss of life, and he sits in the towering inferno of middle aged obsurity with no exits. Everytime i appear from the deep well of his pocket i continually keep praying that this journey shall be my last. Maybe i will break, maybe i will have a blockage. Or even better than that, my master may be fortunate to win a cascading amount of money that prompts him to fling me to the gates of pen eternity allowing the master to purchase the Rolls Royce of pens....The Parker!

Until that moment arrives i will continue to be everything my master wishes me to be. Because at the apex of this life's voyage, i am only as good as my master's intensions.

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A Job Is A Job

I am a Zen master
I am in the Enlightenment business
Let’s become partners
And enlighten others
I am almost broke
And cannot afford to sell Thai noodles 
In the night market
The queues at the unemployment office
Are long and require strong legs
As a Zen master out of work
I only get dirty looks
From the other vendors
Who never have heard
Of the Enlightened stage of life
When life as it is
Is all you can bear 
There is nothing else to do
Suffering is taking its toll 
But enlightenment requires a lot of patience
These Zen masters always talk around the bush
With their Zen koans
And are bored to death
With all the innocent bystanders
Who came out of nowhere
Staring at all the car crash victims

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Your Restaurant Gave Me Diarrhea

I ate dinner last night and felt fine 
It was leftovers at 9 
The next day I decided to go out to eat 
I get a rumble in my stomach and begin to feel the heat 
What did i do wrong, ate out tonight 
Now I feel like a crazy bird in flight 
I feel the pressure as I am stuck in a traffic jam in my Kia 
Now I know your restaurant gave me diarrhea 
I make it to the toilet, I sit in the stall 
Plenty available at the Southern Hills Mall 
Too much salt, piss and vinegar 
I begin to feel dizzy, my sight begins to blur 
I am not in the jungle and I am not Sheena 
But facts are facts, your restaurant gave me diarrhea 
My business is finished, I wipe and leave 
I have a runny nose and blow it on my sleeve 
As I depart the john I leave behind a green smog 
The overall experience was too much for the toilet, it clogged 
Good thing there is employees at six dollars an hour 
I get home and take a shower 
Too busy to talk, so I will see ya 
Won't be another customer there, that restaurant gave me diarrhea  

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You're a great mother,
the center for poets,
who post amusing thoughts,
through what they write;
for us to read and learn,
what we don't know,
and what to help us,
to live a better life.

Details | ABC | |

Hellow, Hallow-E'en

It’s almost midnight
On All Hallow’s Eve
And I’m here to seduce,
Entrance and deceive

Tonight I come calling,
a nightmarish creature –
You’ll cling to the stories
You’ve been told by your preachers

Who tell you that ghouls
Are all in the mind,
But watch out for my presence
Amongst man-unkind

Creeping and crawling,
I live for this night –
I’m a monster most hideous,
My first name is Fright

I’m the truth of your nightmares,
The terror is sheer
And scaring you senseless
Fills me with cheer
I’m the presence 
Who inhabits your dreams
I’m alive in your deep,
Darkest screams

I exist to appall you,
Immerse you in fear
And my day of wakening
Is now, it’s right here

This one night in autumn
I visit from hell
Where I have been watching you,
I know you quite well

I’ve waited so patiently
For this Halloween
So I can show you my real face,
Gaunt, slimy, green

When you first lay your eyes
On the terrible me,
You’ll know I’m black evil,
But won’t believe what you see
Shapeless and hopeless,
I do not exist
In the time-space continuum
In which you persist

I’m other-dimensional,
Invisible, huge
My lips aren’t quite white,
My cheeks smeared with rouge

My hair’s writhing reptiles,
My nails twisted and curled
My breath stinks of Hades –
I’m so not of your world

I slither through shadows,
I suck the life from your dreams
I slurp up your terror
And munch on your screams

You can shutter your windows
Padlock each door
You still won’t be safe –
I’ll rise up through your floor

At midnight, I’ll seize you
And drag you away –
You’ll never see the light
Of All Hallow’s Day

Details | ABC | |

Sugarland Express(The Honeywagon's Replacement)

It all happened so fast
No one had time to react
What to do now that the Honeywagon is gone
Do we really want this day to dawn
Reality hits, how could Charlie be so heartless
He tells the females, welcome to the Sugarland express
Miss Bette never did not experience the previous ride
Now she wonders with her grief who can she confide
Please don't approach me, I don't want to give Charlie any distress
I do want to lose my turn to cruise to the gate in the Sugarcenter Express
Now that there is a new Alpha Female
I call her Gabby, but her real name is Gabrielle
The guys still are enforced with the same regulations
Sit in back and feel that unimportant sensation
I heard a guy tried to ride in the front seat
He was told move to the back and feel the defeat
A guy riding up front, what thoughtlessness
This is not a Beefcake Cruise, it is the Sugarland Express
A female had some gifts, today was her birthday, guys see it as junk
Too many gifts, two guys were forced to ride in the trunk
I have signed up, do I have what it takes to be a guest
Just once, please I beg, for my turn to ride in the Sugarland Express
At this point it don't matter, something is certainly laggin'
I miss the DVD player and all the other amenities in the Honeywagon
I just had to get that off my chest
Please sign up, I have still another three months before my turn to ride in the 
Sugarland Express
But soon I heard Charlie will offer Nintendo Wii to play on the way to the gate
So if you want that ride, don't be late
Ah, a new female all she has to do is ask for a seat
I feel this saga will never be complete

Details | ABC | |


A little oldy gave me a dollar.
I gave her two in return.
The little old lady gave me two.
I gave her three in return.
The little old lady gave me four. 
I gave her five in return.
The little old lady gave me five.
I gave her five in return.
The little old lady Ask me why i only gave her five.
I said "the Government would declare it a income and I would be taxed

Details | ABC | |


seed of horror,filing down,little man around?

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Inbred White Trash Cream of the Crop

You call the police on my son 
You pull a knife, he has a gun 
You call my wife a tramp, I call you a loser 
I drive an Escort, you drive a junked up Cruiser 
I ask my wife what's for dinner, she says slop 
We are inbred white trash cream of the crop 
We finally move in together and become one 
We do the horizontal bop until the morning sun 
We are now husband and wife, sister and brother 
Our kids won't know what to call us, maybe father and mother 
She is now pregnant with our child 
We are exhausted from our rituals and breeding style 
The neighbors say this is wrong that we should just adopt 
We must have our own or there will be no inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Now after 19 months, we have 2 
We steal from the goodwill box to get clothes for me and you 
We use electrical cords for belts and to discipline the children of ours 
We always encourage our kids to reach for the stars 
Their potential has yet to be achieved 
My wife says she has something up her sleeve 
We believe our kids will always be on top 
It helps to be inbred white trash cream of the crop 
Billy Sue is twelve and in the fourth grade 
Charlie does addition, he's got it made 
Our kids will bring us fortune and fame 
Too bad all kids ain't as talented as ours, what a shame 
Now our son hosts an AM radio program called the Swap Shop 
Our kids can feel privileged being inbred white trash cream of the crop 
The love between us is very strong 
We feel as inbreds, it's where we belong 
Our kids have impairments, which brings government  funds 
We keep our inbreds on the priority list they are still number one 
Now my daughter does unbelievable hip hop 
All other kids are jealous because they are not inbred white trash cream of the 

Details | ABC | |

A Special Sale

Buy one and get one free
A special sale,but you can't buy me.
You had my heart and so much more
But you preferred the girl next door.

A very good price
But you know what they say
You get what you pay for
It shows everyday.

You can't send her back
you got her for free
The one that you paid for
Yes it was me!
I cost you time lost when you were with me.Your love and your laughter
was spent on me....

You get what you pay for.So now you're alone
Be careful for sales when theres no return.....

Details | ABC | |


3 poems for contest entry

Failure to come to a Complete Stop

Auto battery. 
Depleted energy.
Feeling grumpy, harried, 
Impatiently jump-start Kia.
Leave Mom’s neighborhood.
Octagonal, purely quintessential red sign taunts. 
Upping velocity, willfulness exacerbated, you zoom…


Extraneous white vehicle (undercover) trumpets sirens.
Realization quickens… Pegged!
Officer notes makeshift license knowingly.
Jail imbues hastily.
Gaining freedom – eight-thousand dollars cash.
Busted again.


When the Princess gets Agitated

Some things

Some things

Some things


Sorry, time out, please.


When Time Stands Still

Leaping in barefoot abandon
Soaring every which way from Sunday
Laughter effortlessly exhaling cool breezes.

Lounging on nature’s lush carpet
Silhouette illumined by carefree serenity 
Lapping up rays and shining them back

Licorice sticks and crackers and brie
Sweet plumpness of kiwi and mango and peach 
Licking ripe juices off contented grin

Long luscious showers in waterfall glory
Swirling delightfully playfully pure
Lingering loving caresses of freshness 

Last blush of daylight’s electrical charge
Sunset yields gracefully generously kind
Lights flicker syntax where space enfolds meaning

Lay here beside me
Savor my dream
Let my enchantment touch yours

Details | ABC | |

My Manderin Orange Calvin Kleins

Everybody was after them back in the day
I tell them this is not the King, you can't have it your way 
I still have them and they are still sought after
When I wear them, I don't understand the laughter
A policeman stopped me and gave me a fine
He said I was violating the noise ordinance with my Manderin Orange Calvin 
My niece is due to inherit them for her generation to enjoy
They are unisex, made for a girl or a boy
I try to make sure that disco is still rockin'
Right now I am jammin' on the song Jive Talkin
I am wearing a shirt the color of red tomatoes off the vine
This shirt will go well with my Manderin Orange Calvin Kleins
I have to dig a chest to find my three inch platform heel shoes
The color has kept well, the brilliant Robin Egg Blue
The shoes are tight, but the read a size nine
What a great combination of clothes all built around my Manderin Orange Calvin 
As I go to a club to dance, I clear the floor
A bouncer shows me kindly to the door
I wonder what did I do wrong to deserve this
I lift my arms and smell my pits
A girl calls me Austin Powers and tells me I am way ahead of my time
I tell her it must be my shirt or shoes, I know it can't be my Manderine Orange 
Calvin Kleins
I guess I will move to a place where they show pity
Maybe a place where I can fit in, I know such a place, it is called Sioux City
Maybe then I can get the respect I most certainly deserve
I will wear my  Argyle socks and throw them Sioux Cityans a curve
I hear the Carmens and Brewers are cousins of mine
They will all be jealous of my Manderin Orange Calvin Kleins

Details | ABC | |

Thunder And Lighting

The thunder and lighting.
When I was little I hear a boom and the lights went out.
As we was in the dark my parents sat us about.
We ask what that noise was and why did the lights go out.
My mom, said that was thunder and lighting.
We wondered what caused it.
She said with a smile.
Those are little men in the sky and they are bowling.
That is the thunder you hear. 
The lighting comes from the men getting a strike.
Which causes the sky to light up.
I looked at my mom and said with a smile 
I want them on my bowling team.

Details | ABC | |

Day after Grad

The Day after grad.
The day after you grad. You get home not knowing what to do.
Looking through the newspaper.
A butcher, a baker, a Hamburg maker.
No plans at all but just had to call. Mickey Ds or the cow king. They say jobs are 
I walk the floor I just can't do it no more. 
Dam I want to go back to school

Details | ABC | |

Extra Room For Overeating Anonymous

Extra room for overeating anonymous
Some Americans
Look like refrigerators
No wonder
They have eaten 
Everything that is inside
For years
Now they are building refrigerators
With extra rooms

Details | ABC | |


I'm just a little bit loofy
Just a tad goofy
I do many things
That will take you for a ride
But don't hide
Your about to see my true side
I talk to me
I walk with me
I say high and hello
Then my stomach is quivery like jello
I talk to people
I know how to bounce
I do what I need to
I don't give an ounce
I live a goofy life
I just love it so
I am real life like
I'm feeling like plado
Normally, I would write more normal
What's normal if you have to be so formal
Gotta be strict and serious all the time
I almost feel like being perfect is a crime
I have to be friendly with everybody
I'd rather do that if I was making money!
Everybody has a goofy side
What I just said is no lie
So your things and who cares
It doesn't matter what other's think
Heck, I joke around saying “I need a shrink”
I really don't, not that I know
It just shows that I keep on the low
People know me and I know them
I show my goofy side now and again
Up and down, bouncing around
I guess I am the number one clown

Details | ABC | |

My Favorite Currency

I like a global currency
I hate to convert money
In Laos
Wars are fought and lost
Over paper money
That is worth nothing
When are they making money
Out of rice
So more people can eat when they starve

Details | ABC | |

Will She

Will she
Will she make me mad or will she make me sad?
Will she let me climb in or will she just make it the end?
Will she let me feel it all greasy and grimy 
Or will she just not makes it the time.
And for all you dirty mind people.
It's a car I'm trying to get her in to gear

Details | ABC | |


   To town I went one sunny day,
A little shopping I wanted to do.
I rolled the windows down in my car
And let the wind blow right on through.

   My destination wasn't far away.
I really enjoyed the ride.
But as I walked by a tinted glass
I saw that my hair had not survived.

   So, I used thay car window as a mirror,
And attempted to fix my hair.
Buy, little did I know I had an audience.
That car had people in there.

   You can imagine  how I must have felt
When my face I could no longer see.
But instead the window lowered
And three strangers were now looking at me.

   I was shocked beyond measure
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
But they laughed and said I made their day
So I smiled as they waved goodbye.

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Fourteen Catfish

        Fourteen Catfish
Fourteen catfish swimin along
one was caught cause he went wrong
thriteen catfish swimin all night
two got hooked before daylight
eleven catfish in the brook
seven fell for the fisherman's hook
four big catfish sniffin bait
three of them just couldn't wait
one fat catfish all alone
got no girlfriend of his own.
      © ron wilson

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Trailer Trash Gift Shop (

The news was put out by flyers
I see they've already removed the tires
I wonder if any of these people really have any money
But they say you catch more flies with honey
Everybody agrees not to buy anything right away so the prices will drop
It is the first of its kind, the trailer trash gift shop
Grand opening will be on Saturday
There will be streamers and pinatas made from paper mache'
They will have free balloons for everyone who stops by
A makeup booth to paint on the fake bruises and black eyes
A medical representative will available to check for rickets and lice
Free D-con samples to assist the residents to help them get rid of their rats and 
The actual name of the place is The Hairy Pit Stop
Everything is at its lowest price when you purchase items from the trailer trash 
gift shop
The line is growing on opening day, so is the impatience and frustration
The setup crew just installed the last brick for the foundation
There is a lot of different smells as they walk on past
Some come right back out after they see the sign that reads we only accept cash
I think I will go inside and have a look for myself
There is recycled disposable dinnerware on one of the shelves
I predict that this item will be
One of the biggest sellers because it is buy one hundred, get a hundred free
Ooh something just caught my eye, it is The Best of Trailer Trash As Seen On 
This and so much more is available at the trailer trash gift shop

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Ridin' Dirty On My Moped

In Carolina there is no helmet law
As my girlfriend complains, all I hear is blah, blah, blah
She is still stewing over me buying all the accessories in the catalog
I tell her to bow down to me, I am now the Big Bad Dog
I am now sportin' my new leather chaps
Up side the head, from her I get a smack
I will mark a new territory the Hell's Angels would fear to tread
Looking hard and ridin' dirty on my Moped
At this point, I tear the sleeves off my blue jean jacket
She tells me to stop trying to Mac It
I smile with my Gold tooth displayed
She tells me I need help, she drops to her knees to pray
Then she asks me if I stopped taking my Meds
I tell her I really love you, it's a Two seater, we can both ride dirty on my Moped
I tell her I haven't shaved for Five days
She says she sees the peach fuzz on my face
I look at her and tell her I am a 15 year old trying to make it in this dog eat dog society
Either get on or get out and miss my noteriety
She says she's had enough and besides it's almost curfew
So I depart to the trailer park and pick up that floozy Gracie Lou
I tell her to hang on, it could get wild, I am what they call pure white bread
She grabs my waist and is ready to ride dirty on my Moped
It can't get any dirtier, a trailer girl that smells real bad
I look back and recall, this was the best summer I ever had

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He Pushed Me on the Ground

He pushed me on the ground
And then pulled me by my hair
I tearfully asked, ‘Is that why I married you?’
But he kicked me. That’s not fair!

I ordered him to stop
I asked him to set me free
And when nothing happened
I begged him ‘please’!

But he didn't stop
And I started to cry
Then I remembered my rights
Why not to give a try…!

I pushed him greatly
And succeeded
But he reattained the condition
And instantly defeated.

He blowed hardly on my face
That I was forced to bleed
And suddenly I woke from my nightmare,
‘What happened, my sweet..?’

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A funky poem on my friend

The lightening thunders,

The fierceful winds,

Blend together & sings…

When the hunk walks all his way,

With the stylish steps & he’s “CHINMAY”…   

Always poses with his ‘Colgate’ smile,

Lifts his collar & says that’s his style… B-)

The roses’ eyes slowly leaks,

When seen his pinky cheeks…  (With jealous  )

He’s a 24×7 chatterbox,

No fullstop for his naughty talks..  

People yell that he’s a big mischeif,

But his heart’s truely a tender leaf…   :D

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This guy i know is a jerk, He thinks its cute to look and flirt, Wish he would realize he just looks lame, I'm glad all men aren't the same, He's always acting like an ass, I mean what man don't knwo how to catch a bass, He's nothing but a big priss, That's why he can't get a woman to give him a kiss, So i'll tell him something true, Maybe he willl get a clue, Women want a real man, One who don't stick his pinky out while holding a beer can, We want a man who ain't got more cloths then walmart, Who don't hide like a little girl when hes gotta fart, One who tells us being near us is a treat, Not just being out looking for the next girl to help him cheat, One who will talk instead of just text, So get a clue before we move to the next, You will realize when we are not here, We went to find someone who can bring us some chear, If we wanted a guy who acted gay, We would stay, But we want a manly man, Who aint afraid to go shirtless and is tan, So enjoy your choices in life, Cause we are gonna make someone else a good wife...

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Put your boots on

Put your boots on
Put your boots on the crap is getting deep.
And there is not any boat to meet.
The crap they dish out.
Won't fit the on a plate.
So put your boots on.
If the crap hits the fan 
You want to duck 
Because the guy behind you don't have his boots on.

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Men like to play with our heart, Simply rip them apart, They don't care how we feel, Or if our love was real, They just get a kick, Outta seeing if they can make us tick, I think it turns them on, Seeing if they can make us a con, Keep us locked away, Only let us out when they wanna play, So i got something to say, One day boy you will pay, You screwed with the wrong one, And now ill show you how i have fun, Hope you don't mind when you get slapped, Cause boy I just snapped, So you like to pull my hair, Lets see if you like it when i share, See how much you hit me, After i stab you in the knee, Bet you don't hit me no more, Cause im a wench straight down to the core, So while im sipping from this cup You need to sit and think boy tomorrow are you gonna wake up ???

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Let's Do It

I wanna do things to do no other woman have's before
I wanna make you cum so hard
That you would want more
The things I can show and tech you 
You would be shocked
I know I am young
And your old
But their is so much we can learn
And tech one other
So let's do it 
Light some candles 
And see what we can do
Oh baby
Don't be sarced 
We can do this
Don't worry Virgia 
Ant needed it 
I wanna see what you got old timer
So let's get it on.

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everyone  has  one.they   can  be  old  names.they can  be  different  names.they  
can  be  celebrity names.they can be  silly  names!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Don't You Wish You Could Dress Like Me

So you wanna know my secret of my wardrobe success 
It is all in my shopping habits I must confess 
Why spend a fortune to look like a million bucks 
I catch the bargains, I guess it's all in the luck 
I am the only one in style as you can plainly see 
Don't you wish you could dress like me 
From hospital scrubs to camouflage capris 
Just admit it, you are jealous of me 
I notice so many of the females have no fashion sense 
Look at my closet, so many clothes, I need a table of contents 
I will soon open my fashion hot line 
Just call 1-800-so-fine 
Now a contractor will expand the closet for more wardrobe capacity 
Don't you wish you could dress like me 
Joan Rivers is now requesting I join the Red Carpet Fashion Police 
She wants to bring me in instead of her niece 
I tell sorry, there are so many women screaming for my help here 
One example is Zena, her taste in fashion isn't too clear 
I just won a Pulitzers prize for my book titled Queen, the Fashion Authority 
With a little self discipline, you have a slim chance, if none, to be able to dress 
like me

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In village life,
There comes  a life
that makes people mad,
and shame them alot.

In the family of one man,
There are seven guys,
un marriede at all,
although they eat and drink.

As funny as they are,
they sleep all the night
and dreaming every time.

Look at them,
really are funny!
And the elders nicknamed them,
a funny sweet name,
the santiagonians knows,
as the sheep knocked men,
and the ugandans calls them,
their local name ''abafirwa''.

The impotent they are,
they can't mind at all,
about the problems in the world!
only  what they know,
it's just to eat and sleep.

When they get sick,
they start to cry,
and call the young girls,
to help them to cook.

Unfortunetely at all,
they force them love,
really like cocks.

Oh!  what life is that,
full of pain, temptation and shame
in this sweet world.

The single life in the world,
almost it's hard,
and makes people cry,
stranded and mad.

I promise  my father,
the wife of joy
that can help the world,
to live in peace and help my self,
to develop and enjoy the world.

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Weekend thrill

Weekend thrill.
Friday night no home football game. Video games are a bore. Wrestling the same 
old stuff. So what good is the weekend. 
Sunday is here what a thrill needed to clean.The rotten grill.
Monday can't get here fast enough. 
Then only four days to be completed. Then it's back to the weekend!

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The Sweat Below

It begins with a trinkle of sweat
The end of the day will come with regret
You should have spent that extra cash
Now you walk painfully, but manly with a terrible rash
I've had it before, I call it the Devil's Rain
The sweat below is causing the pain
Chafing is not a funny matter to bring up
But I will make it funny with minimum talent and a lot of luck
This pain will make you walk with a noticeable limp
Just come clean that you have it and not be whimp
Now it has you painful and red
You could be moving, you sit down instead
If I didn't know the ailment, I would offer you a cane
It is the sweat below causing the pain
The way you walk it is as though you hurt your toe
You tell me the specifics, more info than I wanted to know
I tell you been there, done that
You are not the first to wipe your feet at that doormat
Just be careful how you walk, you might create muscle strain
My diagnosis is it's the sweat below causing the pain
Just as you think you have it under control
Never, ever, underestimate the sweat below
Now I keep diaper rash cream at home and work
At Dyn Corp, chafing prevention trainig is not one of the very few perks
From now on til doom's day you will be on chafing patrol
You reccommend desicant to absorb the sweat below

Details | ABC | |

The ABC's of Politics (For Better or Words)

The ABC's of Politics (For Better or Words)
(SMILE!  They aren’t misspelled.)

Aboulomania.  Bahadur.  Caducity.  Dapatical.  Ecmnesia.  Fabulist.  Gerrymander.  
Highbinder.  Ideopraxist.  Jobbery.  Kakistocracy.  Lucripetous.  Malversation.  Nomocracy.  
Obrogate.  Papyrocracy.  Quadrennium.  Raconteur.  Satisdation.  Talliate. 	
Unconsentaneous.  Vacillate.  Wondermonger. Xenogenous. Yare. Zabernism.

That's Today's Politics Just for You!
Dictionary Reference:
Scroll Down

The ABC’s of Politics (For Better and Words) 

A-- aboulomania    (pathological indecisiveness)
B-- bahadur 	(self-important official) 
C-- caducity	(being of a transitory or impermanent nature)  
D-- dapatical 	(lavish; sumptuous; costly)
E--ecmnesia 	(loss of memory of the events of a specific period)
F-- fabulist 	(one who invents fables)
G – gerrymander    (to divide electoral districts for one's own political gain)
H – highbinder  (scheming or corrupt politician)
I-- ideopraxist 	(one who is impelled to carry out an idea)
J-- jobbery (the conduct of public business for private gain.)  
K-- kakistocracy   (government by the worst)
L-- lucripetous  (eager for gain)
M--malversation (corruption in office; corrupt administration; misconduct)
N-- nomocracy  (government based on legal system; rule of law)
O-- obrogate 	(to alter the law by passing a new law)
P-- papyrocracy  (government by newspapers or literature)
Q— quadrennium (period of four years)
R-- raconteur 	teller of anecdotes
S-- satisdation	provision of security  
T-- talliate 	to impose a tax
U-- unconsentaneous 	not in agreement
V— vacillate 	fluctuate in opinion or resolution  venal 
W—wondermonger (one who promises miracles)
X—xenogenous (due to an outside cause)
Y-- yare (marked by quickness and agility; nimble; prepared; easily)
Z-- zabernism (misuse of military authority; bullying)

Did you like the joke?  Please go to the Narrative Version, next.

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I pack rhymes and squeeze lines like I got a big de-luggage
I eat burgers and beg them elders like I’m some piece of de-garbage  
I eat snacks with de-sanguages and flow lyrics with de-language 

I eat de-lays while chasing chickens like women need to be de-laid
I de-lay verses when writing poems like I’m so de-educated
I de-language metaphors like Saddam Hussein being decapitated
I de-compose verses & sooth poetic souls like criminals renouncing de-fraud

I consult with presidents and confuse deputies like I’m some de-vice
I complete de-forms and design signatures like Bill Gates on debates
I trail de-tails like polices dogs sniffing cracks of different de-scents 

I de-fuse nuclear bombs & threaten twin towers like September de-eleven
I’m precise when closing arguments like women screaming de-fine
I deviate from impurities like preachers praising the Lord’s good news
I flow sicker than poets when writing poems like drug disorders
I de-frost tension when aggressively speaking like a deep freeze on degrees

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Mashed Potatoes and Gravy Train (

Well we certainly did it last night
When we went grocery shopping, there was a slight oversight
The dog will not eat his regular feast out of the bag under the sink
But he won't go thirsty, he will have plenty to drink
He's a good old boy, he will not complain
We're having Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes topped with the dog's Gravy Train
The chunks seemed to soften as they were put on the stove to bring out the flavor
The family will find out if it is something a person would savor
The smell was quite odd, not bad, not good, just odd
Maybe this would be gourmet in some areas abroad
As the kids sit the table, with the plates all the trimmings
The secret item is reduced to simmering
Everyone is ready to hear about the brown chunky stuff on the potatoes, I begin to 
We forgot our usual Mc Cormick's instant, so we had to Fido's Gravy Train
Everyone at the table looked at one another
I hand the first plate to their mother
The next serving I passed to our daughter of  age three
Then the next one came to me
I took one bite, the chunk shimmied down the throat
My stomach instantly began to  bloat
The three year old took a bite and passed gas with the sound of a Whooping 
Needless to say we gave Fido back his Gravy Train

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slump of thought

1 Subject,
70 Sheet, 
Wide ruled,
Blue main, partially covered in fleece
With 27 blue and 1 red line
3 holes punched
empty circles in time
emptiness of thought
trying to learn things
that can't be taught
no catchy punch lines 
not even a sweet phrase
in act of creative desperation
I write about...... a notebook page

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The Emo ABC

A is for angry atheist angst
B- you're bleeding bruised broken taking your allowance to the bank

C is for cutting, crimson and crying
D is for daemons, death, darkness, and dying

E is for everything gone wrong in your life
F is the freedom you find in the knife

G is for gothic, straight from the womb
H is for the latest hawthorne heights tune

I is for immortal- you've commited suicide ten times already
J is for the jaded and emotionally unsteady

K is the knife you "accidentally" misplaced
L is for losers, lost life and lace

M is for makeup that cakes up your face
N is the nightlight to keep away the dark you "embrace"

O is because you're obviously obscure
P is for poetry or prose- you're not sure

Q is for quiet, you sit all alone
R is for razors when no one picks up the phone 

S is for screamo you can't get enough 
T is for tears damn, being fourteen is tough!

U is for ubiquitous mental disease
V is for vacant vacuous vampire wanna-be's

W is for whiny,well-fed suburbanite teens
X is for Xanax- you know what it means

Y is for youth spent all about you and your anhedonia
No diamond in the rough, you're just another cubic zirconia

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Drinking My Way Through the ABCs

Apple pucker gets things started.
Bacardi Limon, with Sprite of course.
Cactus Juice, on the rocks.
Dirty mother, one of my Kahlua faves.
Eggnog, now even more so my Christmas fave.
French Connection, takes me to France for next to nothing.
Gin and tonic, just to try it.
Hypnotiq, I'm hooked on it.
Incredible Hulk, he'll tear you up.
Jack Daniels, my new best friend.
Kahlua, add it to coffee...mmmm mmmm good.
Long Island Iced Tea, one is not enough for me.
Malibu and Coke for an island escape.
Nuttini, the only martini that I will touch.
Ouzo, Greeks can keep this for themselves, I wouldn't mind one bit.
Pina coladas, problems soon forgotten.
Quince liqueur, if I have the time.
Rusty Nail, the kind I don't mind if I encounter.
Sex on the beach, now that's always fun.
Tequila one, tequila two, tequila three, tequila floor.
U-238, the only bomb I wanna be blown away by.
Velvet Hammer, can pound on me anytime.
Whiskey, Irish whiskey, preferably...goes down smooth, doesn't burn.
XXX, the Molson that will wreak havoc with my head.
York Peppermint Patty shot when my breath needs refreshing.
Zima, for something to break the ice.

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One funny morning,
the man returned home,
after fishing for a period of time,
and he decided to take a nap,
but he didn't know the direction of the lake!

This act annoyed his wife,
and she decided to take the boat,
out of the gate because  he was fool
for a long period of time.

Along came a boy,
black and short,
and  said quickly like mad,
good morning mum,
and what are you doing now?

The sweet fat mum,
replied right away,
that i'm reading a book,
you have to leave me alone.

The ten aged guy
informed her with love,
this is a wrong place,
restricted every time for fishing to occur.

This word annoyed her again,
and she replied quickly,
hullo my friend,
i'm not fishing at all,
i'm readind my book as you see.

Yes, but  you have all the fishing nets,
for all what i know you can start  at once,
and the wise you're,
you can start think about me,
and how my love is so sweet.

Hence, i have to take you in,
and write you there up,
all the sweet day,
until the sun to set.

Oh! the sweet fat mum,
feared alot to bomb her Baghdad,
and told him at once,
have a nice day,
we shall meet in Hell.

Really  you're  a fool,
all days of your life,
God bless you alot,
to change your heart,
a stupid  creature of your age.

All what you think,
are useless in my heart,
and really  a heavy load on your head,
that makes you mad,
day and night.

Shame upon you,
the empty headed guy,
who think like a child,
whenever you're.

I can't blame you at all,
you behave like a fly,
that familiarise every thing,
the flesh and the rotten meat.

The sweet fat mum,
ran back home to meet her sweet heart,
to disorganise the lake,
all the funny day.

Finally, the rest of the world
come to know the truth 
that familiarity brings contempt.
Oh, today's world is hard!

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I got writers block

I got writers block.
I got writers block 
I can't write no more poems tonight.
The pen just can't flow
For what words might be poor.
I go to bed to think some more.
Writers block just got me beat.
In my brain, I am drained.
I think this poem really stinks 
For I got writers block.

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       That night !
it was impenetrably  dark
      And the moon had been rising
until  the dogs barked.

When ever the moon moved and rose
        All  the  cocks started to crow
And the whole night turned  black
         like charcoal.

           What a funny night
that made us cry
            the owls and the bats!

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Sitting in class bored
The teacher is writing an unending problem on the chalk board
People playing pranks
Throwing lunch hours' green franks
Cell phones are ringing 
Birds outside singing
Starring in space 
A class room out of place

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Gay Bug

We have Known each other for many years and decided to get married.
We did not invite her family, because most of them are scary.
Oh No,  the word got out ,and to our surprise,
It was a group of her family, dressed up in a descise.
They were all holding signs, and trying to protest.
Stop this wedding they screamed. They really tried their best.
We made it to the car, We drove fast away
On our windshield was paint, spelling I hate you gays.
We held each others hands.  No one could stop our love.
I guess this is what happens, when you carry the Gay bug.

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The Frog bog

The Frog bog
When you go to the fair today.
Listen real close to hear.
A man yelling as he says,
Flip them and flop them
Slip them and slop them.
Three frogs for a dollar.
One in the lily pad you do win.
Here at the frog bog.

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I Dress

She comes no matter the night from day. Scraping at the walls, deep inside my mind, with her silver tipped claws. I beg on my knees, leave me alone, I scream, please, please, please. She cares less for my believes, and for the trees, what is leftto my right, is mere the burned out leaves. When the dark of the moon shines in my room, I can hear her shrieks. She laughs and screams, out of my dreams, she loves to hate the calling of my name. Out of the Ashes, she well rise, only the demons know forsure her size. I hear her when I am alone, she crawls on all my walls, sending shivers through every single of my owned bones. I hide away, under the covers, I scream for my mother, or any other brother. But it is too late, it isonly Kate. She is my shadow of real late, and in my house,oh yes, she wears, THE DRESS. What a relieve, wetting your pants do take your mind away from stress. O yes.

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low down dirty shame

we see wayne newton,an old man,a zanber fan,whos been tellin people,poetry is 
his steeple.keep him people,and let fire burn insde.we died.oh,oh,wait,lied.

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Preferential Treatment

I have a new job for
Rupert Murdock
As a door usher 
At my penthouse
In Hell

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Minnie Got Caught Cheatin' (

There was a time between the two when things were so great
One day, she didn't show when they had a date
He stood on the corner waiting in the rain
The lonliness, the heartache, the pain
He hired a Detective named Darren Keaton
On tape, Minnie is caught cheatin'
It is all that Micke had feared
Now wherever he goes, there is a trail of tears
He tries to hire Goofy as his hit man
Goofy says, no need for money, I understand
Mickey throws all of Minnie's clothes in he trash and burns her favorite blouse
Leave a note on the door, it reads, Hear Yee, Hear Yee, Minnie is no longer 
welcomed in the House of Mouse
Minnie insists Daisy encouraged her to have a fling
She taught me how. she literally took me under her wing
Minnie admits about fantasies with actor Will Wheaton
Face the facts Minnie, cameras don't lie you got caught cheatin'
She says her thing with Roger Rabbit was a big mistake
Her hands are sore from endless hours of Patty Cake
She was seen with a stripper from Chippen Dales
Because of Palimony payments, Minnie always lives upscale
She was pulled over and found to be drunk behind the wheel
She got away without so much as a ticket using her seductive skills
Olive Oil was hired to give Minnie a never forget beatin'
Popeye comments, she deserves it, she's been cheatin
Pink Panther says he will date Minnie, even though she is used goods
Mickey wants her buried deep in the woods
Minnie is never seen again after the fateful day
At the funeral, Mickey celebrates her going away
He says in life my motto is always celebrate the death of the ones you hate and 
Whether their destination is below or above
I believe the Devil has her heatin
Mickey feels better knowing you are paying for cheatin'

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they  are  very   different .you  like to  spend  time  with them.enjoy  life  with 
them.your  family  will always  be there for you.

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most  people  like  holidays  and  some  dont  or  they  are  always  grumpy  on  
holidays.mostly  the  children like  holidays.lots  of  family's  spend  time  
together  and  have  lots  of  fun  on  holidays.

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I Move Out and Only Take the Mayonnaise (

That's it, I've had it
She uses Miracle Whip on her sandwich
I just can't handle this, I can't take anymore
I am real careful when I leave how I slam the door
When I left, I took with me
Not clothes or money
No rare painting or the Mingh Dynasty vase
Just what was in the Prenuptual, my jar of mayonnaise
I don't care for the store brand, Sauer's, Blue Plate or Best Foods
With Hellmann's by your side, to have a sandwich, you never have to be in the 
A BLT, can you imagine that without the B
Let alone it would be just as disastrous without the LT
But then again, this is America, you can fix your sandwich any old way
That's why when I left, there would be no misunderstanding, I would take the 
Some kind of bagel, bread or bun, sun dried tomato,  white or whole wheat
Put whatever you want on the bread, but without out that one thing, it will never be 
Maybe I will become a Health Inspector and find out which brand the restaurants 
If it's not my brand, I will write them up for sandwich abuse
I will find out which type they use, for instance in their Tartar Sauce for their 
Breaded Fish Fillets
Or maybe become a Divorce Lawyer to ensure that when my clients divorce they 
don't lose out on their mayonnaise
This is a lesson I learned even though
It was in Black and White in our Prenuptual
It still seen its day in court
My girlfriend's lawyer said quit playing hard ball, come on be a sport
He further states she's willing to give you the car and your favorite 45 record by 
Stevie Nicks Leather and Lace
I turn it all down and stick to my guns and retain custody of the mayonnaise
To this day, we no longer speak to one another
I got back at her, for years I  have secretly shared it with her mother
Is this something I should feel guilty about, show some remorse
I am going to see if can marry the thing I love the most, it will never end in an ugly 
I don't believe that I am going through a mid life crisis or some kind of phase
Please RSVP me and tell me if you feel this strong about your mayonnaise

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Black Cat

A black cat didn't exactly frighten Gavin 
He initially jumped kinda lightly, Mom
Now, Ola Parsons quickly responds, saying
The ugly varmint wanted xeroxed yellow Zinnias

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As blind as a bat,
as brave as a lion,
and stupid as a goat.

As busy as a bee,
as fat as a pig,
and happy as a king.

As strong as  a lion,
as heavy as a load,
and rude as fool.

As black as coal,
as cold as ice,
and white as snow.

As hot as fire,
as green as  grass,
and sweetly as juice.

All in all,
makes one thing,
common in life.

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You Left a Dirt Ring

You lost your home, you can stay with me 
It depends on your mood, sometimes you're a she and sometimes a he 
Don't leave your unmentionables lying around 
My sense of smell is like that of a Bloodhound 
I must address this one thing 
I noticed in my bath tub you left a dirt ring 
Judging by the odor, I believe a dumpster was your last home 
Here, take one of mine, it's obvious you don't own a comb 
I will have to shorten your stay due to the smell 
You say you bathe once every 10 days, I can surely tell 
I thought when you finally bathed, there would be birds that sing 
It all went south, when you left that filthy bath tub ring 
Get out and don't come back, the odor is too much 
You are not the one I would not call in the clutch 
You are the definition of what trailer trash is 
I gave you blunt hints, this is no quiz 
You have nothing I want, there is no bling bling 
The tub now has to be replaced, I can't remove the dirt ring

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Trailer Park Body (

I could not afford a Bow Flex, costs too much 
I get diagrams to build my own from a man named Henry Clutch 
The instructions say if I build it right 
It will make me lean and my stomach tight 
The first step, according to the instructions, is to collect empty beer bottles and 
I go across the road to see Inez and Stan 
They open their closet and tell me to take what I need from empties in here 
I was kind of disappointed when none of them were from Busch Beer 
They ask me what are they for, I tell them they're for a hobby 
I smile as I see myself in 32 weeks with a trailer park body 
The next step is to collect some full sand bags, I know who to contact, the 
National Guard 
I know a female Sargeant there, he name is Louise, but her troops call her Black 
She has the looks of her dad Stew 
But she has a singing voice like Julie Andrews 
She hooks me up with three full sand bags, which is more than I need 
Step three I can't do, it would violate the trailer park creed 
I guess cheaper isn't always the way to go 
I bragged to my wife about the new me, but now I must eat crow 
I decided to use the stuff I collected to decorate the front yard, but my wife said it 
would look too gaudy 
I look around at the heroes here at the park and realize that after all I do have a 
trailer park body 
Now I am back to square one
This trailer park is rippin' and roarin' fun
That couch sitting out in front of lot nine
After it's dark it will be mine

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Thanksgiving Day has arrived 
in the nippy month of November,
and the dining room is in a festive mood;
Holiday music is softly playing in the living room...
the aromatic smell of the oven roasted gobbler
spreads to each room, to make everyone drool
for a taste  of this delicacy in the late afternoon,      
I bet all of them would!    

Yesterday morning I went to the local supermarket,
and looked for the youngest and fattest turkey,
the one which is tender and moist...a turkey guests love to eat;
and when I spotted the best one, I hurled it into my shopping cart,
and went straight to the cashier acting a little crazy,
knocking down piles of canned food all over the floor,
and making all the customers scream!
Somebody next to me yelled,
" Young man, be careful...look out!" 
Over there...another pile of tomato sauce jars
fell and the breaking glass sounded
worse than a quake hitting this quite town!
Embarrassed, and somewhat hilarious for the unexpected mess,
I rushed out with my heavy shopping bag...trudging like a hunchback!

The oven roasted gobbler steams on the table deplete
with lots of Holiday treats: eggnog, apple cider,
cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, roasted chestnuts
and a set of red candles to match the glossy plates;
O gobbler so perfectly cooked, you're ready for the sharp knife,
and be cut by the volunteer who will say, "Grace!"
O gobbler so tasty and young, wouldn't you love
to come back to life...and poke everyone with your beak?

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

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Where Are They Now

Mary had a little lamb that soon became someone's chops
That's a lie, a mouse never runs up a clock, only in the Boondocks
Little Miss Muffett sat on the Spider
Jack and Jill went up a hill, Jack killed Jill and tried to hide her
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, there was no bone for the dog
Little Boy Blue got lost in the London Fog
Remember Little Jack Horner
He was put in a Roundhouse and told to sit in the corner
The Three Little Pigs were smoked and placed on the table
Goldi Locks visits The Three Bears more often now that they have Cable
Four and twenty Blackbirds were baked in a pie
The wolf was an assassin from the Government, Grandma was a suspected 
foreign spy
Green Eggs and Ham 
 According to the FDA are now just as dangerous as Spam
Acoording to the Police, there was no Giant and Jack never had a Beanstalk
He was just stoned from his Marijuana crop
Georgie Porgie later became better known as Boy George
The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe, still trying to hunt the fathers down for child 
Most of these celebrities wish to stay out of the spotlight
Twinkle Twinkle the Little Star dropped out of school and today is not so bright

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When Twinkie the Kid Battled Captain Cupcake (

When this happened it caught the world off guard
An epic scene, a memory that you could not discard
Who would have guessed these two titans of obesity and tooth decay
Would break so many kid's hearts in such an upsetting way
The loving memories before this you could not forsake
The day Twinkie the Kid battled Captain Cupcake
Toucan Sam would choose sides and give the Kid some twine
Cap'n Crunch would throw his fellow Captain a life line
Fruity Pebbles took one side and Trix Rabbit took the other
Aunt Jemima split sides with Uncle Ben her twin brother
Count Chocula severed ties with his long time friend Tony the Tiger of Frosted 
Nobody realized how much trouble was started when Twinkie the Kid battled 
Captain Cupcake
Now both state their case in front of the FDA 
This is to determine who goes and who stays
The Twinkie Kid tells about his spongy outside
Captain Cupcake fires back with his pure chocolate pride
Captain Cupcake mumbles I bet you would get seasick
Twinkie the Kid hears and replies I know a rotund fella like you couldn't control a 
lasso or perform horse riding tricks
In  the end, they both reconcile and admit trying to outdo one another was a big 
Generations down the road, history will repeat itself with a legendary battle of 
belly busters between Twinkie the Kid and Captain Cupcake

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Sorted laughter for Easter Sunday

 Today is Easter and how pray tell;
Did that chocolate rabbit hatch an egg?
Not only that I say but his dropings are multi colored;
And it taste like candy.

There's little chance for a picnic at the park;
Today is over cast and not very warm.
But still I bet there are those who tried anyway;
Tridiction is a hard habit to break apparently

Good God I checked my bank account;
I'm running short on money to spend.
Who knows what over priced holiday is comming up next;
Maybe I should get a third job, or take out a loan.

Guess what folks, it's not do-wa-ditty life in the city;
It's life in the good old U.S. of A.
I'd say living here is a gass but I don't drive;
And I couldn't keep my car fueled if I wanted to.
Bless those that have and pitty those who wish they had.

Summer's comming, maybe I'll buy myself a sleeping bag;
I'll head out somewhere and live under the open skies.
Wait a minute, there's no toilet facilities are there?
Scratch that idea I guess, unless someone leaves me a moter home.
Leave- the only thing leaved is the tree in front of my apartment.

Well I hope some of us had a nice Easter Sunday today;
Mine wasn't so bad except it wasn't that different either.
Kind of makes me think I should have learned to eat dates;
And eat with my right hand insted of my left when eating.
Just bent humor folks and do remember not to litter shall we.

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The Honeywagon Has Returned

Boy, do I have some exciting news!!
This tidbit of info has taken away my Blues
It was such a long day, I was glad when it was adjourned
I go outside and see the Honeywagon has returned
I call everyone to give them the scoop
Eveyone wants to be a snoop
The crowd gathers to take a look see
And there it is a surround sound system and to enjoy the DVD
It used to seat seven, now it seats nine
Brand new custom made rims with a perfect shine
As it is started you can hear the Lag Pipes roar
There are new additions behind each door
Now a stewardess has been hired for the passenger's comfort and concern
Ah Yes!!  The Honeywagon has returned
Now there are tasty treats when you ride
A hot tub exists under a floor panel that slides
So what does he have to eat on the way
Sodas and Publix Deli trays, that's just for starters
To make the cut is getting harder and harder
Once again my hopes and dreams are shattered, when will I learn
I know I should just be grateful, the Honeywagon has returned

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For Another Day

Here we go, 
writing a poem.
What to write?
Let me see,
I  don't know.
Could be just about
anything right?
Any topic of inspiration,
as long I use a play 
on words.
Have you ever listened
to a little yellow bird?
Maybe he has something
important to say.
If not he'll hold his words
for another day.
And If you can tell me 
what this all means.
Maybe you can help me
finish this scene.
You know what they say,
there is not an i in team.....................................................................................................

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Addicted to Gloves

The lights are on, but you're not home
You sit in your car all alone
You try on different brands, different styles
You try to control your primal instincts, living so wild
Ecitement fills the air, you buy some Dove chocolates, you get a free pair
This is the one thing in life you will not share
This is the thing that will make you be a loner
Right now you are relishing over the feel of your Isotoners
You look up and thank the Heavens above
For your strong addiction to gloves
The leather ones bring out the naught girl in you
The cloth ones go good with your Converse All Star classic shoes
Your scuba diving ones scream all hands on deck
Add your diving knife, then you are saying, whip me beat me, make me write bad 
When you get out of the car, you discover when you wear them, you can still apply 
your anti theft device, the club
Come on, come clean, admit it, you are addicted to gloves
You rush into Walmart for the early morning sale beginning at 3 am
Get a pair of slice proof ones when you purchase 2 cans of Spam
No one really knows what your hands look like
You wear combat ones when watching UFC on Spike
Everyone knows what a bizarre world you share with your one and only true love
Everyone has their addictions and yours is truly gloves

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Leftovers From All Over Buffet

Something had just occurred to me 
As I sat and talked to Cleetus Magee
He was only joking that day
I took it serious in an odd, pathetic way
He suggested I open my own place for people to eat
I began to brainstorm on the cost for food, a/c, electric and heat
It hit me like a ton of bricks
After eating some Barbecue at Rick's
So tonight I will make my play
After raiding a few dumpsters, I will have enough to open my leftovers from all 
over buffet
I began by scanning the neighbors trash cans late at night
Not much luck, some Sausage Pudding and Tripe
Next I will raid Applebee's for some quality food to offer
I even found a couple of Golfballs I will give to a friend of mine who is an avid 
As I was dumpster diving, I had some trouble from a couple of stray cats over 
three chunks of meat
After a fight and I received a few scratches, the cats then leave in defeat
I picked up the meat to smell it, free meat my favorite price
With a lot of spices, it will be very well disguised
Then I moved on to the Noisy Oyster
All the seafood was still quite fresh,  it contained  plenty of moisture
I rented a space at a cold storage facility
Until I had enough for some business stability
With every dumpster raid, my food inventory grew
Maybe next would be IHOP, pondering if I should put breakfast items on the buffet 
Tonight I open up the doors
To a feast no one has ever seen before
Just to see the customers go up for seconds or thirds gives me pleasure
The saying is true One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure
One customer said if he didn't have to go to work he would eat all day
Ssh! Please don't reveal my secrets about my leftovers from all over buffet

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The Court Street Philosopher (

One day when I was working in a furniture store
What do you know, he comes walking through the door
He starts off by saying hookers are a dime a dozen
He says he knows because he has a hot cousin
Now listen to his conversation,  he talks like a kidergardener
Well we will just call him the Court Street Philosopher
He starts back up- You know chewing gum won't come off the bottom of your 
That's why I buy mine at the Goodwill, never brand new
The sun is damaging, so I stay inside, that's why I am so pale
Hay is cheaper when you buy it by the bale
Where is he going with this talk, he makes no sense, it's coming from nowhere
There is nothing you can do when you start losing your hair
He keeps on with his continuos blabber
A young lady walks in, he whispers to me I could have had her
He tells me about how many men she has slept with, now he's a gossiper
But still he remains the Court Street Philosopher
Hair looks better when it is tapered
He pulls out a hankee and blows his nose, it's cheaper to carry one of these than 
waste all that paper
The hankee was stiff and crusty
He looks around and says if you sweep each day, this place wouldn't be so dusty
I tell him to put away his hankee before one of the stiff pieces cuts you
He looks at me and says this conversation is going nowhere, we're through
But now I am graced by his presence even more, I made the mistake of marrying 
his daughter
Now he is family and a close Court Street Philosopher

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Running From The Po Po

Good thing I am a former track star
Ain't got the dough to afford a car
The shirt I am wearing is on it's third month straight
That lady on the Pine Sol commercial gave me the secret to keep the smell up to 
Now all the females think I lost my Mo Jo
They all laugh watching me run from the Po Po
Now they have several of lined up against a brick wall
An old lady says, that's him the one who smells like Pine Sol
But I am set free on my own recognizance
I just smiled and nodded, I have no idea what that word meant
It is no fun committing crimes solo
It is even less fun,  having no one to leave behind when you're running from the 
Po Po
I've been pretty lucky having a predetermined escape route
I decided to drop the Pine Sol and switch to shout
The women yell and laugh as they call me PS
A new scent tomorrow will leave them with a second guess
I will dye my tee shirt blue using some Tydee Bowl
Gotta go under cover and not attract any attention from the Po Po
I sit down and eat my favorite kind of sandwiches
One with just mustard and one with the sloppy joe sauce, without the meat by 
I am drinking a cup of coffee that is ten days old
I take my finger and remove the floaters and chunks of mold
I am going to the station and make up a story to get a cup of coffee to go
They tell me to get my coffee and leave, I am mad, so I shake their vending 
machine and get a free pack of Ho Ho's
From now on, for my free cup of coffee, I am going to see the Po

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I Caught The Clams

It started out as a mild itch
Within the next few hours, my eyes began to twitch
So I go to a Doctor named Damon Willis
He examines me and asks me have I heard of country singer named Mel Tillis
I tell ye and ask why such an odd question he had to ask
Then he asks me do I drink Brandy and if so, is it from a flask
I tell him alcohol is not one of my disabilities
He says I am just trying to narrow down the possibilities
Then he asks did I recently eat Poppy Seed Bread with Strawberry Jam while 
listening to Georse Michaels or his former group Wham
I was stunned and said yes, he replied you have contracted The Clams
He writes out a prescription for a cream
Then he tells me I must brush my teeth with the toothpaste Gleem
Then he says twice a year I must bathe in the waters of the Hoover Dam
I know now which of my honies gave me the clams
It was Phyllis who made this combination possible to set in this affliction
To eat the Poppy Seed Bread with Strawberry Jam has become and addiction
So I use some of my inheritance from my parents will
To pay this Doctor the medical bill
After I paid it he disappeared, it was all a scam
To find out there was no such thing as the clams
So now I am sitting and waiting for illegals to cross the border
So I can charge our Government to diagnose this disorder
I charge a huge bill as I feed these illegals some Dristan
Most of them have the crabs already, but I will be happy to give them the clams

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Blood Shed


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Ketchup Stains (

There is a place that I will never eat at again
I look back at the nightmare when I was ten
Back then not much of a strong stomach to endure what I did
This horror I couldn't keep hid
First of all, you know that back then, when they used the fly tape
It was full of its intended guests and dangling  three inches from our plates
Some were buzzing and squirming to get free
The scene was already getting the best of me
Welcome to the eatery that leaves you emotionally drained
The name of it is Ketchup Stains
One paper napkin issued to you as you walk in the door
If your table is not ready, you sit on a dirt floor
Sometimes you see a bug or two
It is almost as if the bugs  are not afraid of you
Everyone shares the same utensils and paper plate
That is why with multiple orders, you take turns eating, while other family 
members wait
As you sit  impatiently suffering from hunger pains
The place is crowded,  with free bathroom admission at Ketchup Stains
You ask  the waitress to refill the glass for you daughter
You watch as she dips the glass in the Horse Trough to get the water
You ask the waitress where is the ice
She says when that table there is empty, you can have theirs, now won't that be 
I ask her why do we have to share, this is insane
She says, this is all part of our hospitality at Ketchup Stains
I tell her don't expect a tip for your service
She says give me a reason to modify your food and make you nervous
I tell her it's time we go, cancel the food
She asks where did I grow up and become so rude
We have a history of everyone leaving happy, no one complains
Ya'll come back soon, share a spoon and enjoy some family time at Ketchup 
By the time we left there, we had a car full of hate
It bothered us so much, that night, we took flight and moved to another state

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You Guess

you guess
Thump, thump, thump., thump, thump 
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Weeeeeeeeeeee, plump.
You guess.

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Lou's Diamond Phillips Screwdriver (

When he bought it, it cost him four grand
Specially made by the Craftsman Brand
It has never been removed from its original case
He keeps it locked up in his personal safe
One time a female seen it, she fainted, he had to revive her
It is not a myth, it does exist, Lou's Diamond Phillips Screwdriver
That is the reason it has never been brought out to show
The frivolous lawsuits would start to grow
He is a public figure so he is always under the paparazzi's microscope
He says he wishes that paparazzi would hang themselves, he would supply the 
The latest gossip is he was with a female, but no one could describe her
And there was also no sign of Lou's Diamond Phillips Screwdriver
Now he has agreed under a royalty contract with a trash magazine
That on New Year's Eve it will be seen
This however goes against the wishes of his financial advisor
Noww there's lawsuits pending from the public display of Lou's Diamond Phillips 

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body earth

girls want some jerk to whats worth the picks on strings,many things give wings 
but this,this is free,body earth allowing me my girth,without worth do i splert the 
four corners of viona's and belong to a song sonnet,be on it,this train aint more floor moppin,right,cuz?

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DUI Witch

You Will Hear Her Laughter
Shriek In The Skies
Hide Your Daughters
She Wears No Disguise
She Flies On Her Broom
She Never Bends Or Tends
Mind To The Spoon
She Drinks Neat, Her Jacks
She Ace Her Blacks
She Is The Witch Of Hadditats Clove
Around And Around She Rides
Far And Beyond But Never She Will Hide
Drunk She May Be
Yet You Are Too Scared To See
Hide You Do Behind The Stove
Lucky You Are, Someone Is Funked Drunk
She Is The Witch Of Hadditats Clove

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I'm sorta me

I love 80's music
and talk radio AM
I can't sleep
I keep being the person I was, I am
I just keep being me
Sometimes it doesn't really work out
I sorta wonder why don't I change
And then I just  don't  care
But that's me
the forty something chick with a nose stud
and a husband 
who wonders the same thing

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I Haven't Changed My Drawers In Five Days

The smell is there people start to gag 
Having smelly drawers isn't like waving the flag 
People make comments under their breath 
They say my smell is the closest to death 
The question is will I ever change my ways 
I haven't changed my drawers in 5 days 
No girls want to spend any time with me 
The smell is herendous, I have to agree 
My family has found a way to cope 
Get close enough, you would probably croak 
The summer heat, sitting in my car, the traffic delays 
The heat makes the truth be known, I haven't changed my drawers in 5 days 
Now I am almost to Wal Mart, should I buy new drawers 
They could last 20 days if I bought a pack of 4 
I am doing my best to clean up my act 
I ask my girl if I'm on the right track 
She said you can start by staying 50 feet away 
Now she is aware, I haven't changed my drawers in 5 days

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Her Facial Hair

I met her, she had all the right attributes
Petite torso, a smile so cute
But I think she was incognito
I visited her house, she turned out to be a fan of the Dung Beetle
I pledged my love to her, and told her my heart she could save
It all went sour, a three o'clock shadow revealed she needed a shave
The Lionel Richie mustache and the ZZ Top beard
It seemed out of nowhere to  have appeared
She said she was a Drill Instructor for the female Marines
In my opinion with facial hair like that, male or female, she falls somewhere in 
She says in her sweet voice, come shave me with a Schicks Quad Razor
I tell her I've got to go, Baskin Robbins is coming out with a new flavor
She is a Grunt so she trapped me in a snare
She says I will release you after you shave my facial hair
She said her skin is sensitive so she uses Edge Gel with Aloe
I down a fifth of Black Velvet to try and mellow
Now I grab the quad and approach the task at hand
I am really confused here, do Iove her, or beat her up like I would a man
She tells me, if you think I'm hot, you should see my cousin Judy
She is the Drill Instructor who punishes those at K P Duty
I smile and cringe at the same time
At this point I realize the sun doesn't always shine
This experience will never be revealed in a truth or dare
To this day, I am still shaving her facial hair
She is now hated by all the fellas
Mostly it comes from being hairless and  jealous
Now she has really thrown the train off the tracks
She showed me the shag carpet on her back

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show.the dime a floor.give wine,any whore.doorways travelin,now im babbling.or 

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She's A Bubbalette

She don't care which kind of beer, but it must be cold
But her favorite has always been the Bull
Her hobbies include, but not limited to, chewing tobacco, arm wrestling and 
going punch for punch in the arm with men
After a few beers, she likes trashing the good names of Barbie and Ken
She wears her favorite tee shirt that reads I'm single because I haven't found the 
right guy
They say there's someone for everyone, but in her case, that's a lie
I wish in my lifetime, that we had never met
Her real name is Maxxine, but she is known as a Bubbalette
In the winter is  flannel shirts, and BVD long underwear underneath
I took her out to lunch, she removes the chew from her mouth and places it on 
the table, than asks for a prayer before we eat
She is the president of the David Hasselhoff fan club
She told me for him she would pledge all her love
If she gets married, it will be a honeymoon in a single wide, the groom will be 
named Chet
He will be a Bubba, how perfect, she's a Bubbalette
Country folk appreciate her for who she is, the chewing tobacco and all
She stands at the counter at Burger King, she pays the cashier with money she 
takes from her bra
She is at a red light, opens her car door and empties her spit jar on the street
Her freezer recently went out, she had a barbecue to get rid of the deer meat
Her motto is, no matter what in life, love who you are, have no regrets
Go ahead, I predict the only one to love you, will be you, you're a Bubbalette
Her normal attire is Levis 501 jeans and wife beater shirts
She doesn't shave her legs, she will never wear a skirt
She decided to join the Navy and fly fighter jets
Her call sign will be Bubbalette

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Why Is Clay Aiken? (

Is it an ankle sprain
Is it muscle strain
Did he hurt his back
Is his shoulder out of whack
I am so worried, I can't stop my hands from shakin'
I must know Why is Clay Aiken?
Did he fall and hurt himself
I am deeply concerned about his health
He has money, so the doctor will make house calls
He is prescribed some extra strength Tylenol
If the doctor believes Tylenol will help, he's sadly mistaken
Fans want to know Why is Clay Aiken?
He had to stop his world tour, the pain became too much
Now he searches the world over to find that one doctor with the curing touch
His fans await with abated breath
Him not on tour is worse than death
The suspense is torturous, fans hearts are breakin'
Medical Universities scramble for an answer to the question, Why is Clay Aiken?

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Mr. Turducken

I have toured the country from North to South and East to West
People's patience with me has always been a test
I am called for year around
In an environment with intense heat, I tan to a nice golden brown
In a freezing climate, I have pale, smooth skin
Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Mr. Turducken
I am famous and world renown
From the big cities to the littlest of hick towns
In the  oven or in a turkey fryer to cook
I am now the king and queen of the recipe books
I am always quiet, no gobble gobble, quack quack  not even some cluckin'
Try me once and you will be hooked, for I am Mr. Turducken
Do I need to be seasoned, please add if you choose
But I have a natural flavor, you not want to lose
I go well with any side dish
I come plentiful, so eat all you wish
After a few chunks of me, your shirt you will no longer be able to tuck in
I am not with Jenny Craig, you won't find a diet menu with Mr. Turducken

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Broken hearted and busted by the woman I trusted
When she fooled with the bachelor next door.
He’s tall, good looking and works out with weights
Living off income from family before.

She claims it is I who must shoulder the blame
For her ongoing need for a another.
I worked to much and played to little
Though she still loves me like a brother.

So here I dwell in my sportsman’s camper
Parked at a rest stop just outside of town.
She got the house, child support and alimony
Which will last till I’m dead in the ground.

What was I thinking of when I married her
I must have been blinded by lust.
Thank heaven I’m free of her wicked ways
To search for my angel of trust.

I pray for a women to love me again
Though I’m stripped of my worldly wealth.
Lost in the haze of tears and sorrow
As my sadness overwhelms my health.

They say all is fair in politics and love
So prepare for the unexpected.
There’s nothing worse than to give of yourself
To wake up and find you’re rejected.

By Tom Zart

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I erred my cores

When I was born
Somebody might have thought, ‘he is going to bring wealth’,
It was hard to look outside
Though some might have thought, ‘he is going to be a visionary’,
I cried, I was innocent and I was well-thought-of
Someone might have thought, ’he will be famed’.
I wondered, the world so crazy -
At first breath, why they are so dependent on me?

The poor baby in me stepped as a kid
ABCDE became easy.
One plus two equals to three
Later multiplications and divisions
Ruined my vital capacity. 
I gave up with arithmetic and outraged against history
I wondered and grew, why the people lived with such difficulty!!!
Earth core, landmasses, oceans made me clear
But altitude and latitude made it heavier.
Left with literature, I made it going
Yet, recitation and dictation made it receding.
Primary came out of struggles
And later in high school came with more hurdles.
Erstwhile subjects totted by unwanted hindrances  
Physics, Chemistry and Bio-Logy were additional weightages. 
Accompanied by curricularism 
Sports, paintings and crafts became to be favoritism. 
Someone might have thought, ‘his mind is full of asceticism’.
Cried with science 
And accountancy gave back my smile,
Calculator and company books
Were carried for rest of the time.
Someone might have thought then, ‘he will be a quaestor’.

I was wondering, ‘what will make my profile!!!’
Confusion and complexity aroused
And after my masters 
Am I heading to be Manager?
I summed up my weaknesses 
And was not left with any strengths 
I switched on my bulb without filament 
And I oohed myself
Did I end up as a writer then???

Details | ABC | |

My Wife Beater Shirt

I buy the Hanes three in a pack 
I have a house, not big, but not a shack 
I drink my juice sitting on the couch 
I have no ambition, I am referred to as the slouch 
I sit out front and drunk before the morning sun 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
My girl gets a welfare check every month on the first 
I have her brainwashed like Patty Hearst 
But then again, I have many hoes 
With my smooth charming ways, I keep them close 
I am the spider, they are the flies, what a web I've spun 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
Sweat causes me to change my shirt too soon 
Maybe I should switch to Friut of the Loom 
I just got a new ho with a love that stuns 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
The Marios come by to sell me some heat 
Stolen fresh from up the street 
Huge discounts on plasma tv's 
They say I can choose from several dvd's 
Now the cops have got me on the run 
With My Wife Beater Shirt I Get Things Done 
Now I'm sitting in the clink 
No hoes, no welfare, no juice to drink 
Now I wear orange and pick up highway trash 
Free meals, a bed, a roof over my head, there's no need for cash 
According to my coveralls, I am inmate number 101 
Without My Wife Beater Shirt, I No Longer Get Things Done

Details | ABC | |


                Surviving in the city

The dog stood on the corner, looking for the cat.
The cat was at the Warf side, behind a fishing vat.

The dog was known as Rusty, an Irish setter bread.
The cat was known as Sylvester, he finds what people need.
The dog needed him a playmate, so he could plant some seeds.
For that the cat demanded meat so fresh, that it simply bleeds.

The dog had marked a hydrant, because the dog was late.
He also do-doed on a lawn that led to someone’s gate. 

The cat found that disgusting but Rusty paid his price
So he watched for lady midnight, for she was built real nice.
Lady midnight came up prancing, her tail all in a swish.
He took her for some meatballs, Midnights favorite dish.

Sylvester ran it down, what Rusty had paid for
Her cut would come right off the top, and there was nothing more.

Lady M agreed that she was in that day.
She took a bite then licked her lips and they were on there way.
When Rusty meet with Midnight, she wouldn’t take no sass
If he would get to close, she swished her hips and knocked him on hiss ass.

When Rusty got his chance, he was off before he’s in.
She winked at sly and said to rusty, I hope we meet again.

Everyone was happy, even Rusty wasn’t sad.
The edge he had was ended and he didn’t feel so bad.
Now ain’t that oh so pretty, their life there in the city.
Where Sly and Lady Midnight, finger popped to do-wah-ditty.

Details | ABC | |

I Just Drank the Last of My Billy Beer

I had bought it as a future investment
Just as I am getting ready to sell my house I have a Real Estate Agent
I begin to pack all my belongings to move in my new pad
The kids are all grown up and no longer hear them yell Hey Dad!
I am getting thirsty, let me see what I have 
Lack of water can bring cramps to your calves
I get out the Styrofoam cooler and a bag of ice cool down what I have here
A case later, a headache like an overworked waiter, I am sick to learn I just drank 
the last of my Billy Beer
So goes the investment I mentioned when I first started talking 
To the bathroom is the direction I am now walking
Is this what happens when you have too much of a good thing?
I held it until I made it to the bathroom, for I am potty trained
I guess I will move to the harsher stuff by the way of Everclear
That's what happens when you drink up all your Billy Beer
At this point, I realize I am not going to move today
The bed in the basement invites me to stay
This bed brings me such a peace of mind
When I pass out I can leave all my troubles behind
As I close my eyes, the bed begins to spin like the house in the Wizard of Oz
Then I begin to puke a solid  stream projectile that ends up on all four walls
I curse myself in the morning as I look in the mirror
I see crushed, empty cans of stale Billy Beer
It was literally flushed away after it served its purpose
I decided not to move, instead I will just abandon everything and join the circus
Maybe become a clown or a lion tamer
A trapeze artist, I know about the insurance disclaimer
The circus will be in town soon, that will bring everyone some cheer
Being how they travel around state to state maybe they can tell me where to buy 
some more Billy Beer

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Beat o matic

Beat o matic.
Yes you can clean about anything with beat o matic.
You can clean a rug full of bugs.
You can clean a mat full of rats.
Beat O matic you can buy it at your local tennis shop

Details | ABC | |


Up one night
With nothing to do
So let's buy a bowl
And load a bowl or two
Let's get high 
And forget our past
We'll smoke it up
Till the very last
I'm watching you now
As you take a hit
Oh there you go
It's time to trip
Now you're relaxed
And it's all so fine
So pass me the bong
Cause I'm next to get high

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Follow the Rules

For your safety and convenience, these rules are applied 
If you agree to follow them, welcome to the ultimate ride 
Ladies in front, men in back 
To keep the honey wagon clean, there will be no drinks or snacks 
You too could arrive to the parking lot in a ride that's so cool 
Just do one simple thing, follow the rules 
The honey wagon leaves promptly at three 
It cannot wait the driver is always in a hurry 
Sometimes the driver may not be here 
It is your sole responsibility to get to the gate, in the rules it is stated clear 
Everyone must disembark at the designated stop 
If you don't like it, get out and walk 
A dvd player will soon be installed for a movie on the way 
Soon all passangers will wonder, What's the movie today? 
Don't fall asleep, you may start to droole 
To avoid any chaos, you must follow the rules

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Zelda Yadkin Xerox was very up today 
stumbling round quoting poetry often, 
ninja mouse lurking, 
knuckles jammed in Harry Gummies foot
 echoed dangerous 
content bravely abated.

Details | ABC | |


A~nthony refused to           eat any food
B~ecause he sees no          food as good
C~hristy his girlfriend          provided him;
D~rinking water that he       may not slim
E~ggs that he may fat
F~ish bones to                   increase the               hardness of his          hat.
G~ush! all these didnt          attract Anthony
H~e died in a witty              way that's funny.
I~f Christy is a true            friend she would
      jumped in tears          with the could
K~nowledge of full               anger.
L~osing Anthony to             nothing but hunger.

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Dairy Headlines

Brie cheese develops
Each fungus. 
Giving Humor in
Just knowing
Lactose might never
Openly penetrate,
Some tummies
Underwent very
Weary x-rays,

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I Talk To Chickens (

It all started when I seen an ad for a farm hand
Outside a town called nobodyunderstands
When I arrived at the farm
There was a ticker tape parade and I was handed a brand new box of Lucky 
I settled in to a room, no a/c just a fan called a breeze box
The bathroom had no door which meant no locks
Josh Jerkis told me I start in the morn' at the first sign of daylight
At  430 am I was awakened to get started, Josh said their chores start while it is 
still night
He tells me to go clean the hen house
I tiptoe in as quiet as a mouse
I hear a voice say lookie here someone new
Then the voice started singing the blues
I introduce myself to the voice that was sultry and sweet
I was shocked to realize it was one of the hens in her nesty retreat
She tells me they are all tired of laying eggs
And losing body parts such as thighs and legs
She continues to babble on about how at night they all sneak out to peak in a 
window and watch tv
They are okay until they see a commercial about KFC
They get as far as It's Finger Lickin'
I know all this because I talk to chickens
This conversation lingered on
She was trying to convince me how their lifestyle was wrong
She said the owner grabs a few once a week 
And looks around and says us humans have gotta eat
At this point I was feeling mighty bad
When I finished in there I very glad
Now it was time for some lunchtime vittles
I seen what they were having so I ate just a little
What they were eating, caused me to become sickened
They were devouring chicken
I tell them I can't do this anymore
Josh says I know it's a lot of chores
It ain't that, it's what you are eating, I can talk to them
Josh looks at his wife and tells her to call Sam
Soon a paneled van makes its way  up the driveway
I lost my freedom that day
Now I am sitting next to a guy named Horace Blicken
All because I talk to chickens

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show me

waz de slutscore?anywhore could.dont ban me,i slam thee,to whee,suie,pigface 
irishman from the gas can.dont damn god for a single thing,its leena 

Details | ABC | |

I Ran Out Of My Geritol

Today I feel a little strange
Like wanting a soda but having no change
Where's my energy, I can't concentrate
I had to cancel my date
My life  has become somewhat dull
I ran out of my Geritol
Mine is special, it's on back order
The doctor said I could purchase it cheaper South of the Border
I told him this is not a Taco Bell plug
I feel like I am having withdraws, I need my drug
The doctor tells  me that the stuff in Mexico contains Chiuaua
I tell him only American made I trust, give me an E.T.A. on my Geritol
Do you know how hard it is to function
I wanna be part of the Geritol wall of fame, I want my induction
 The stuff South of the border must contain more than vitamins
Check out their Mexican population
I bet Cassanova never had trouble getting a prescription filled
Me complaining about my Geritol is overkill
I want to end it all
Life has no meaning without my Geritol

Details | ABC | |

Eating (

You've got the face of a pepperoni pizza and the body of a mason jar
You use your body as a storage unit for Hot Pockets, Doritos and fudge bars
Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey
You are the king or queen of the junk food junkies
Peanut butter toast with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup
But the chocolate milk shake always comes first
You get your breakfast directly from the king
Dessert is always the queen
Appetizers are pizza rolls
Followed by the doughnut holes
The doughnuts themselves you will have later
While in the parking garage elevator
For dinner, no surprise, it's Taco Bell
Still hungry? Well have three ice cream sandwiches with Magic Shell
At midnight, it's time for bed
A movie comes on, so you have a soda and chips instead
At 4am you want to get some rest
Not before your omelette with Egg Land's Best
Your grocery bill has become a car note
You curse the cost of food, with a mouth full of a Banana Boat
I don't know how you do it, as you strut through town
I wish I could freely and not worry about my pounds
Some say it's aggression, others say depression
Well something has made your appetite enter the fourth dimension

Details | ABC | |

Pardon My Dolly (

When I seen her, I knew I had to make her mine
She comes a family with a knack for design
She is put together so very well
She has been mine for 15 years, no one can tell
I know this story must sound melancholy
But please if would pardon my dolly
She has never needed any reconstruction
She carries extra weight time to time but removes it quickly, no need for 
I love her so much, she is the one I know who will never let me down
She has strutted her stuff all over town
She enjoys being around me 
We have avoided so much contreversey
She waits for me right beside my bed
She need a new coat, possibly bright red
We ride together in a Denali
If you need a ride, I will say in advance pardon my dolly
She has seen more places than a band on tour
Everyone is familiar with her each time we enter a store
My girlfriend feels threatened by her, her name is Molly
But each day I politely tell her, pardon my dolly

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nipple,little demple,the simple,preamble,land one.

Details | ABC | |

Keep Me Under Control

I am so wild, I carelessly run around
I am the last horse in a one horse town
I'm as wild as wild can be
I have zero guidance, so I live my life aimlessly
Do what you have to, send me to assist the Border Patrol
I need someone to neuter me and keep me under control
I live life by the seat of my pants
I don't want love or trues romance
I believe that every moment counts
When you fall down, there is still time and room to bounce
If a jet can fly, it can surely land
When wrong is done, justice needs to be a firm hand
One day I may feel peace and love deep in my soul
When I find that one that can keep me under control
If there is a poster child for bad, it has to be me
I do not welcome the Devil, but there will be no begging for mercy
I often wonder what do people think
I really don't care after my third hard drink
You are wasting your time if you want to preach
You are educated, so do your best to teach
I am not worth being loved by you, so do not glow
I want discipline, so do your best to bring me under control
I party and sin and live as I please
I will never be driven to my eyes
I am a rebel and that will never change in my life
Not looking for love, a white picket fence or a loving wife
I can take the streets and deal with them blow by blow
Are you the one to keep me under control
Some people have it, some don't and some never will
I'm tired of hearing about it, I have lived it, now it's overkill
The question is do I want to sell my soul
You can save me if you can keep me under control

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Master Pimp Meets the Ultimate Red Neck

A man walks by in a gray polyester suit 
He tells another man to call him Juice 
The other man in bright orange hunter's clothes, he looks bold and brash 
He tells Juice to call him Cold Hard Cash 
They sit at the bus bench to discuss a new business they want to start 
It all begins tomorrow around the corner at the local trailer park 
Cold Hard Cash tells Juice, this is my last 500 bucks, but what the heck 
It all started when the Master Pimp met with the Ultimate Red Neck 
Cold Hard Cash tells Juice, follow me, I will give you the grand tour 
Starting at my trailer on lot number four 
As they enter Cold Hard Cash's place, it smells like rotting potatoes 
Juice enters and slips on some cherry tomatoes 
Cold Hard Cash says here and hands Juice a plate of sauerkraut and dogs 
He tells Juice, if you stick around for supper, I will roast us some frogs 
Juice asks Cold Hard Cash, after we eat, can I be given the golden key to the 
Cold Hard Cash, says let's go next door we will begin at Judy Starks 
Juice goes with Cold Hard Cash to interview their first employee in their line of 
money makers 
After the interview, Judy says yes, Juice comments, she's a real shaker 
At the next interview, the girl shows them why her picture used to be on Breck 
This all transpired when the Pimp Master hooked up with the Ultimate Red Neck 
Juice says we need one more so we can rotate them around the clock 
We will put them to work outside the laundry mat and liquor store, which are on 
the same block 
Cold Hard Cash asks what if one calls in sick 
Juice answers in a business voice, then one of the others will pull a double shift 
Juice points and asks what about this place 
Cold Hard Cash says you don't want to see her face to face 
Cold Hard Cash says she's the one they used to design Shrek 
Good luck with your business, Master Pimp and the Ultimate Red Neck 

Details | ABC | |


One funny man,
he told his friend
that today is a good day
because it's a VD.

What his friend did,
he bought every thing,
sugar and soap to visit his son,
who was at school.

When he reached at the gate,
the gate keeper asked him,
where you going man?
The funny old man answered directly away,
i want to see my son.

He told him once,
what a foolish man you're!
Today is valentines day,
but not a visitation day.
Pick up your things,
and go back home to wait for another day.

Details | ABC | |

My Dodge Aries K

This car is not exactly General Lee
If you look at it, you will turn away quickly
It can move when I get it started
I wonder why the previous owner of this car wanted to discard it
I get these teenage punks who ask me in a laughing manner, do you wanna race
I act like I can't hear and respond, New York City didn't make Pace
The a/c works very efficient in the winter time
I made my last payment, now she's all mine
As people stare, I yell go ahead, make my day
I take such pride in my Dodge Aries K
What was Chrysler thinking when they stopped production on such a 
My vinyl seats and no carpet, this car is made to repel fleas
I had to sign a waiver that I would not sue the seller if I contracted Lock Jaw
Or if the look of my car should cause a brawl
Come on honeys, check out what I have to offer these days
Experience some romance in the back seat of my Dodge Aries K
The homies said I should park it in a garage and try to hide her
They said this is the only car in history that could not be a Low Rider
The brothers tell me no way on twenty fours
They tell me drive it off a dock and hope it never washes up on shore
Even  the nerds have their smart ellecky things to say
They just don't understand my love for my Dodge Aries K

Details | ABC | |

Some Would Say

sometimes it comes to me  
and it flows so naturally 
like rolling off the tip of my tongue
and that's when you can just
write and write 
without much thought 
but then there's the times 
you have to dig and dig
and it's a fight 
but finally you come up 
with something to write
and in your mind
hey this is a delight 
but what about others
and their insight
some would say i could use
a shrink 
tell me folks what do you think
or did you miss it
when you blinked

Details | ABC | |



Details | ABC | |


Over at the capital the master makes his plans
while the cronies at the mansion put money in his hands.
  Me I'm standing over here having me a fit
  everywhere I go I got no place to sit.
So I steady look around there's nothing else to do
to me it's so ridiculous nothing else seems true.
  It's all about diversion to hide what's going down
  the whole world is dysfunctional and we're a bunch of clowns.
The bible thumping preacher says it's the dark ones evil ways
and if we do it like he says we'll see a better day.
  Why is it there's a service charge am I looking at a play
  if I don't have the price it cost do I have to go away?
The blacks all stick together, Hispanic people too
the whites all act like they don't care there's nothing they can do.
  If I cut you with my knife what do you think I'll see
  I'll be damned if it ain't blood just the same as me.
Is that Mr. Jenkins the neighbor down the street
look at that he works so hard he can barely lift his feet.
  Look at over there that's the son of Mr.Chin
  it's twelve o: clock at night they're asking where he's been.
It seems we all need people, it seems to be the way
but there's so many of us we can't get away.
  Over population is it simple as all that
  or is it all a nightmare underneath our hat.
The puppeteer is crouching staying out of sight
with his fingers up his puppets ass with his voice he can recite.
  Does it really have to be this way is there nothing we can do
  I know my ass is hurting hows yours feel to you?

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do not require field

sleepin of dreamin women,the envision of coaxing my ingrossing and the matter 
is hurry underneath the wretched fetches of little pits of howie mandell.slam me 
again and friend,you deserve the end,but,thats my win.

Details | ABC | |

Toothpaste Sandwich

You can have it on white or wheat
Add marshmallows or maple syrup for a treat
Any flavor or brand you choose
It comes in  green, red, white or blue
I am not talking about Manwich
It is all about a  toothpaste sandwich
Put enough on the bread so you get the full flavor
Ask the beer belly  man and the toothless woman who live in a converted U haul 
Or ask the blonde bimbo who goes to the extreme
Ask her how she maintains her oral hygiene
Try it once and you will make the switch
No more peanut butter and jelly, just a tasty toothpaste sandwich
Check the back of each tube for the ingredients you prefer
Just remember, upset stomach, vomiting and dehydration may occur
Some like Crest, I like Aim
I guess in a toothpaste sandwich it all tastes the same
Too much will send your head spinning for a loop
Please ask me about my famous recipe for toothpaste soup

Details | ABC | |

Grounded (Let Imagination Run)

I let imagination run I let him run for awhile
I let him run so much I think he ran wild

First it was a crocodile that stretched for miles
With huge yellow eyes and a 1,000 tooth smile
He gave a great chase around the kitchen Isle
But it was him not me who broke the kitchen tile

Imagination ran into the living room
Where I ran to find no floor in there
I had no fear when a rope appeared 
So i could swing to anywhere 
Little did I know that the rope is a curtain and the curtain could tear
So me and imagination had to run out of there

So we ran into a bedroom where an octopus  was at play
I thought to myself this guy might just stay
So I jumped to wrestle against his many legs thought i would last all day
After I won i realized i trashed the bed that my mom just made

So here I am sitting my imagination outside on an adventure to the moon 
Imagination will come back and all to soon
Maybe it will take me on a giant balloon, or let my ride typhoon, or ride the milky way on
a silver spoon
But for now im just sitting imagination got me grounded to my room

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slamboni was used to it but didnt elaborate,the disease crept in him like a fourty 
inch gate,too late,i already ate.we swing it.i bling it.i continue,to ring mine 
sweet valentine,alicia and larrissa and kim hair.first time in the sun baby.

Details | ABC | |

My bad SANTA

I'm scared of Santa  

He knows who's been naughty
he know's who's been nice
It's got me kinda nervous
He knows my vice
He knows what I've been doin
And I wasn't so nice
I'm on the list
I didn't think twice
I'm startin to sweat
I'm startin to plan
I gotta get that list
before I get canned
He's got an army of reindeer
and they're all lookin for me
I've heard about this Rudoulph
He's especially mean
He has this nose
this nose that glows
Santa's gonna get me
Cookies won't help
Santa Claus is comin to town
God help me.

originally written under Janetta Harrington

Details | ABC | |

No Time

No Time
My wife asked me to mow the lawn.
My wife  asked me to wash the car.
She then tells me to take out the trash, As I walk the dog.
She says to me "please clean the grill".
After you, take the kids to school..
She says "don't forget to go to the bank" pick up the food for tonight.
My wife tells me. "Hurry or the food will burn".
I shout, I have NO TIME

Details | ABC | |


Up and down, up and down.
Back and forth , back and forth.
Around and around , around and around.
What a fun day at the park!!!!!

Details | ABC | |

twice as hard

i write rock and roll you?do you?do you?do you?

Details | ABC | |

Leap Year

Boss, being as this is leap year
and Feb 29th is an extra day
do I have to work tomorrow?
tomorrow being an EXTRA day

He says,  take your appeal 
to the big man upstairs
he invented 365 days
and these pesty leap years

With all due respect, I reply
I thought it was the Greek culture
Not the the big man upstairs
that invented "time" as we know it

(I didn't REALLY say that, I just thought it)

BUT, I say, it's an EXTRA day
kinda like SATURDAY?
do you expect me to work

So he says, look at it this way
most months are 30 or 31 days long
so really, you are working a short month
only 29 days long

I have to admit
this crap makes sense
so I give up my appeal
concerned that I might
if I don't keep quiet
end up owing money in the deal

Details | ABC | |

Which Is Worse

Listening to incoherent jabber from Charles Manson
Or a continuos loop of music by Hanson
A summer cold with a nose that's runny
Or Bob Saget trying to be funny
A hairball that makes you cough
Or a concert performance from David Hasselhoff
Being arrested shoplifting at the Goodwill
Or putting your tongue on some cold winter steel
Soaking your clothes and running face first in to a live electric fence
Or tickets to a Barefoot Contessa upcoming event
Drinking soup out of a well worn boot
Or eating some nicely aged Baloot
Smelling a European woman's unshaved pits
Or ten yards from finishing a marathon and calling it quits
Eating a lemon lips cracked and dry
Or jumping off a building, then realizing you're not Superman, you cannot fly
Hitting shins in the dark on a metal chair
Or having a blowout in the ghetto, the blowout was your spare
Your car is ripped off, clothes in the car while you are skinny dipping in the lake
Or the thief that stole it realizes going down a mountain that it has no brakes
Sometimes decisions are a curse
You decide which is worse

Details | ABC | |

More ABC's

An amusing attempt at alphabet
babble:  Beginning by
caramel croonings coming
delightfully down drains
ejecting embryonic
flatulent foolishness.

Grandiose gobbledygook
hatched hastily
into idioms indicating
just junk.

Keening karmic
language languidly liberated
matching mainly myopic magpies
nattering narcissistically.

Opine on, oh onerous one !!
Perhaps provoking philosophic
quoted quirky questions
resembling recent ramblings
spewed sporadically
to taunt Tiny Tim.

Unbelievable !!
Veritable vapidity
working well-worn Webster

Details | ABC | |


Well look at all the new ones looking for a dance
they're hiding on the network looking for romance
  Half of them have boy friends, some of them have wives
  all of them complaining about their lonely lives
Now don't misunderstand me, I've often fell in line
but I get tired of dancing and playing all the time
  I'm so tired to prove that I am not a jerk
  while all the time inside of me, there's a monster on the lurk
I think that's true in all of us but we try to hide it all
the doctors have a medicine for all the things it's called
  We simply must be perfect, we never are to blame
  I think it's just the world we're in where little stays the same.

If you should point your finger, is it reflection that you see
maybe what your looking at is just as bad as me
  I say don't even trip it, were all just struggling to survive
  we all just do the best we can to help us stay alive
can someone give me real and stimulate my mind
I'm tired of circle jerking to the same old bump and grind

Details | ABC | |


my quips legit,wheres your script,wheres the poet from old towwn manhatten that 
you jot down?fourty book?take a look,see if theres a response,ill sound the 
alarm and buy you the farm.

Details | ABC | |

Turmoil At the North Pole

Santa got a dui,
Too much whiskey, too much rye,
Mrs. Claus filed for divorce,
Dasher's wife pregnant by a horse,
Rudolph addicted to crack,
The elves were evicted and moved in a shack,
China now makes all the toys,
For all the foreign girls and boys,
American taxpayers pay for it all,
Santa's license suspended, so please do not call.

Details | ABC | |


its dynamite when i sing,but better when jossswings,beat that cuss champ,any 
tramp,cant carry my joy,let alone my lamp.

Details | ABC | |

I Got Broke Teeth, You Got A Black Eye (

The neighbors complain every night 
All because we have our little fights 
You kick me between the legs 
I twist your arm, I make you beg 
Then we kiss to make up 
I promise tomorrow night is gonna be rough 
I get out the whip to inflict punishment and pain 
When you hang me by the hooks, it drives me insane 
We love each other even though we make each other cry 
I got the broken teeth, you got the black eye 
Another window broke, duct tape and a clear plastic bag 
Your pet name for me is white trash, mine for you is skag 
All the dishes are broken, so you use the pots and pans 
You hit me with a skillet, I bite your hand 
We both come out bloodied and bruised, why ask why 
I thank you for my broken teeth, you thank me for your black eye 
You ask me if it's cool tonight, do I want to snuggle 
I tell you as I smile, I would rather choke you and watch you struggle 
When I fall asleep, you handcuff me to the bed 
You tell me when I start this session, you're gonna wish you were dead 
We always take turns, cutting and beating each other within an inch of our lives 
No one could replace my loving wife 
Guests come over, you act so shy 
I wear my dentures and you put on foundation to cover your black eye 
We would never leave each other high and dry 
Our police mugshots reveal my broken teeth and your black eye

Details | ABC | |

A Girl Named Puddin' (

She is round and short, but very sweet
This is not the kind of girl for bare cupboards, she loves to eat
If you invite her to dinner,  please be advised
She will want her second helpings twice
So budget your food bill considering her invitation
You will be cooking all night, so the next day for work, ask for vacation
If she comes in the kitchen, she will insist on fresh and hot cookin'
At 5ft 2, eyes of blue and 275, she is called Puddin'
She says she entered a non-televised world wide event, hotdog eating contest 
against Kobyashi and won
It was rigged so he was handed the prize, a lot of favoritism from the judges who 
all are from the land of the rising sun
Her toaster pastries must be Pop Tarts
On a flight she pays for an aisle and her own dinner cart
She demands that her food be cooked with utensils that are wooden
She is a wondrous creature and her name is Puddin'
The doctor tells her she must cut back on her intake or suffer a heart attack or a 
She no longer drinks regular soda, it is now  all the dollar menu items and a Diet 
The last time I heard about her and her whereabouts
She lives above a seafood eatery and lives on oysters, refried beans and dishes 
that complement Trout
So I say good luck on your endeavors, if you ever see her, I hope you wouldn't
She is always ready to eat, may we bless that girl named Puddin'

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Beaver Spends the Night With The Brady Bunch

Ward drops Beaver at Seven O'clock sharp
Carol tells Beaver to get ready for bed, it's getting late and it's after dark
June calls and tells Beaver to  eat everything on his plate
Bobby says you are like me on the phone, you are listless
Beaver tells Bobby she just wanted to give me the business
They all gather at the table for dinner
Beaver tells Alice she is getting thinner
Alice replies flattery will get you everywhere
Cindy belches and the smell of her breath carries through the air
Beaver tells Cindy  doing that at the table takes bravery
Marsha comments to Cindy  you are not acting like a young lady
Jan is wearing her birth control glasses
Greg sings a song at the table, he is taking singing classes
Peter tells Beaver about their Hawaii and Grand Canyon adventure
Beaver tells Peter that Gus the Fireman wears dentures
The door bell rings, Alice answers it and in steps Barney Fife
He asks Alice to be his wife
The date is set for them to be wed
Barney reserves a room at the Y for their honeymoon, Barney assures Alice that 
they will have separate beds
Cindy is asked to be the Maid of Honor and Beaver the best man
Sam the butcher comes in and asks Alice where does our relationship stand
Mike Brady asks Sam to leave
Barney's  suit is still  the Salt and Pepper Tweed
Barney threatens Sam with his one bullet
This is a night Beaver will never forget
Eddie Haskel stops by with Lumpy and visits Beaver and says  they will stay as 
long as they can
Eddie and Lumpy have a thing for Jan
Greg and Marsha are falling for one another
But later on Greg dumps Marsha for her Mother
So now it must end as a great experience for all those who were there
Nine people with one bathroom to share
Beaver leaves the next morning in a good mood and feeling very jolly
He says boy, I can't wait to get home and tell Wally

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Lorenzo's Llamas

Did you know out at his farm
His motto is first do no harm
He owns several species of birds
One of them is a Parrot named Sewer who says some colorful words
His prized creatures are named Period and Comma
There is a sign on the on a billboard that reads Come See Lorenzo's Llamas
You will be issued a mask for the smell
You will lose your appetite at the ringing of the dinner bell
When you change your clothes after the tour, they will have to be burned
The smell will wash off your skin and out of your hair, so that's not a concern
Skip the hype and the drama
Come see for yourself Lorenzo's Llamas
People come from miles around
Leave with an upset stomach and a frown
But they keep coming back
Another attraction is a Kangaroo called One Eyed Jack
The Female Goose named Harriet is now a new mama
But they pale in comparison to Lorenzo's Llamas

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They Call Me Busta Pheasant (

I started my career 
As a person that removed wax from ears
It was down in the Texas Panhandle
I would use the wax to make candles
But then no one wanted their ears cleaned 
The work was Far and few in between
It will be time to relocate in June to Mount Pleasant
Maybe because they call me Busta Pheasant
June came and went and I am still here
Oops just spilled some coffee on my clothes, time for some all Tempa Cheer
The ladies call my gangsta name stupid
Me and you will be together, I'm just waiting on Cupid
My real name is Harry Bikiniline
Now you know why I am a prime example of out of sight, out of mind
I want to thank my parents for the wonderful present
For my stupid name forcing me to become  aka Busta Pheasant
The guys laugh they don't me as a serious threat to their girls
I tell them I bet you wouldn't survive in my world
My life is based on performance excellence
You're just jealous because you can't be called Busta Pheasant
Go ahead and contact 5-2-9 and Puddin' to ride in your Pacer on four doughnuts 
wearing your wife beater shirt
I will be stabilized at my home like the Enterprise with Captain Kirk
My Mom and Dad ask me when I am moving out
I tell them as soon as I build some clout
So they kick me out, I am renting a portion of the back yard and living in a tent
I have sign up that reads home of Busta Pheasant

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After all these years the hate he sees still burns.
And the ugliness he sees makes his stomach turn.
There’s the crack all on the sidewalk.
There’s the crack all in the bag.
And the women sell their self for crack,
Then turn all into hags.
He never has no money, it makes him want to steal
Then they wonder why it is, that he chose to deal.
The state sent him a letter
They said he owed some cash
He didn’t pay his taxes,
For that ounce of grass.
Over in the building, where they sing of promise land
Satan’s all up in there, taking what he can.
He aint looking for the answers
He found them on his own
But no matter where he goes
He’s out there all alone.
Don’t you come all up on him sideways, trying to be so quip
Don’t you waste your time with that, it’s best that you just quit.
He doesn’t need to do his mother.
His daddy was no punk.
Don’t you tell him He’s your brother;
There’s too much baggage in “your” trunk.
After all these years, the hate he see still burns
The ugliness he sees makes his stomach turn.
What is it that’s your problem people?
Does this not suit your game?
Well it really doesn’t matter none
He’s your ghost without a name.
You ever see him on the corner, or down there on the street?
Just hope you never have to see the ghost, when life has got you beat.

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Bigfoot Likes Breck Shampoo (

It is said in Oregon there is a legend that is very rare
Everyone who has seen it says it is all hair
It is quiet in its suburban surroundings
This poor creature in the seventies we were constantly hounding
The eighties came and the creature disappeared like a fad
Only to resurface with a smell so rad
We have left Bigfoot several gifts including films made by producer John Woo
Recently scientists have translated some Bigfoot drawings, they reveal that 
Bigfoot likes Breck Shampoo
They say Slinky is fun for a girl and a boy
But experts say it's not something Bigfoot would enjoy
We gave Bigfoot and Etch and Sketch to see if that was a hum dinger
He sent it back to us with a drawing of the middle finger
We put a food display out with a Wal Mart employee to offer samples of Dinty 
Moore Beef Stew
Bigfoot gave the employee an old flyer and pointed at Breck Shampoo
The employee commented that Bigfoot had a pleasant smell
And now Bigfoot wants some DEP10 GEL 
The Goverment responds with a letter that reads boo hoo hoo
The letter further stated that  they are rejecting Bigfoot's request DEP10 GEL and 
Breck Shampoo
The letter reads sorry, but technically you are an American, we only help those 
Illegals here and offer foreign aid, so there's nothing we can do
Bigfoot demands some equality, a fair shake from the Government too
All this contreversey could have been avoided by a donation of Breck Shampoo
So he shaves himself to better fit in and learns Spanish and become an Illegal 
Now endless cases the Government will send 
Now there are Bigfoots everywhere some live next door to me and you
No wonder I can't buy DEP10 GEL or Breck Shampoo

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Get all your fashion tips here 
My fashion is in a higher gear 
Your fashion nightmares are over if you keep this in mind 
Just call the Queen of fashion at 1-800-SO-FINE 
The phone is already ringing off the hook 
To be honest , I will listen, but I would rather take a look 
Let me answer the first call of the show 
Why it's Bev Sanders from Ohio 
Yes, Queen I have a question concerning pink shoes 
Pink goes with any color, so you have nothing to lose 
Did that help your stress 
Yes, your advice was priceless 
Next caller, what's your dilemma? 
That is a first, I never have spoken to a female named Emma 
Yes Queen, where are the sales this week 
I can't help you there, because I want to keep looking chic 
Well I have to go, my stores are waiting 
Tomorrow I will tell which stores I shopped at and which one got the highest 
So tune in tomorrow with the Queen where fashion is my passion with the best 
Women don't dress better than me 
That's why you call, so I can keep you in line 
So put my number on your speed dial, 1-800-SO-FINE

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My Wig (

We leave on vacation to see the Grand Canyon 
I ask my son when is the last time ha changed his socks, his feet smell like 
My wife laughs and says that isn't his feet, it's his breath 
I tell her no more equate toothpaste, we're switching to Crest 
My wife says in a panicky voice, I forgot my social life line 
I tell her to calm down, everything will be fine 
She says, turn around and head toward home with the speed of a Russian Mig 
We can't take this trip, I can't be without my wig 
One hour and two tickets later we finally arrive back home 
Now she has her wig in hand and her voice has a nice, calm tone 
She says what are we waiting for, let's be on our way 
It's only 9:30am, it's already been a long, long day 
Now we are back to the area where we had to turn around 
I remember that singles club called Lost and Found 
As evening settles in, we stop by an eatery called The Autumn Twig 
She says please bear with me as I put on my wig 
My son and I sit in the car quietly, as we are close to death from a lack of food 
My wife tells us let's enjoy our vacation, you two need to adjust your attitudes 
We sit in the car and watch as people come out of this greasy spoon diner 
I keep reading their slogan, If you're lookin' for rib stickin' food ain't none finer 
I keep having these visions of me at the table, eating so much, my wife and son 
call me a pig 
Finally she is done fixing her wig 
I watch in horror as the Diner's lights go off 
My dream is gone, no pig, no trough 
She says in disgust, that's just great, where can we get a bite to eat now 
I tell her about a barbecue joint five up the road called Four Sides of a Cow 
She says okay, but I could not belive what she just did 
She smiles and says I told you everything will be okay, as she removes her wig 
We arrive outside the place rated as some of the best barbecue around 
She throws her wig on the dash and laughs like a circus clown 
She says my hunger has taken over, I believe she's flipped her lid 
She says let's go on inside, these people don't know me, they have never seen 
me without my wig

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Crap in the balls

so me and my girlfriend
the kids gettin on our nerves
devise this plan to meet
bring the kids and our angst
we meet at burger world
we talk trash about our men
trash bout the girl next to us
start noticing, kids running out
Mama, Mac pooped in the balls!
geuss he got too enveloped
in what he was playin in
he failed to understand
that he had crapped his pants
So kids runnin everywhere screamin
cuz  some kid in the balls
had crapped his pants
and it's everywhere on the walls
Not proud to say
I made an instant decision
To grab the kids, crap and all
and get the hell out of there

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 A memo from santa clause;There will be no CHRISTMAS this coming season.
I suppose you want to know my whole reason,Every year I get this CHRISTMAS 
list. The more I read it;The more it gives me fits.I try to make CHRISTMAS bright.
The elves want more money.The reindeers fight. MRS CLAUSE worries  I work
both day and night. I work all year making CHRISTMAS toys for all the girls and 
boys.No one want them.They want IPODS;XBOXS  computer games ;computers.
Who they think I am the I B M? RUDOFF is now drinking his nose dont glow.
How am I suppose to see where to go? My sled is old needs repaired.
How am I suppose to fly that sled erveywhere?On CHRISTMAS eve IM 
flyiing; ;dogging trees;climbing down chimmeys skinnging my knees.
Doing all this to try and fill everyones CHRISTMAS list.When IM flying over your
home.Please dont call me on your cell phone.Asking for one more CHRISTMAS 
wish to bring you a satelite dish Everyone must think IM SAMSON to carry that 
heavy sack.Not me ;not any more IM not going to break my back.
Just when I think things would get better.The I.R.S. sends me a letter I owe tazes.
Now isnt that funny.Who ever heard of anyone sending SANTA any money.
THOSE money mongers;jerks. Now you know my reason why I think there
shouldnt be a CHRISTMAS this coming season.
Then I started thinking;What CHRISTMAS would be if there wasnt a SANTA;
to put CHRISTMAS gifts under your CHRISTMAS tree? 
So please delete this memo from me. I will be there again on this coming
CHRISTMAS eve.So long GOD BLESS I  wish you all a very merry blessed 

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A Boy's ABCs

A boy child doesn't enjoy funny girls hillarous insane jokes, 
kisses,looks,manipulation,neglegence or perception
questions,response.She tortures unknowing victims with xylophone's youthful 

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Eugene (

I am self proclaimed real swinger
My name however, for a Nerd is a dead ringer
I have perfected the War Craft game
On Micro Soft computer applications, I can put anyone to shame
I am not into testosterone things such as fuel injectors
Secretly for Christmas I want a pocket protector
For every movie my name is in, I steal the scene
It is my parents I owe for the burdensome name of Eugene
Other bad names for example one is Clarance
He said he was named after his Grandpappy, what an inheritance
As for as it goes, I should be thankful for my health
I am so grateful for not being named Ralph
When I was growing up, there was a kid I know
He hated his named Ralph so much, he insisted on being called Ditto
I always make sure my handkerchiefs are always clean
Welcome to my real world of Eugene
There was one Nerd who rivaled my Nerdy world
Did I do that? Famous words of  Erkel
Yes I do wear a wrist watch calculator
I carry a pocket sized stapler
Girls who share my interests are far and few in between
Will any female ever see the masculinity beneath the skin of Eugene

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Intelligent Design

You claim to be on top of everything, if someone has done it, you have done it 
When it was cold, you said you knitted the entire workforce sweaters 
You sweep most people under the rug 
You are member of the Menza's exclusive club 
You tell Miss Betty why she was left behind 
Only the best were selected, part of the intelligent design 
You tell me I am dumb as a man can come 
But according to you I am not the only one 
You always have to make people feel insecure 
Then you wonder why when you approach they all steer clear 
I am wondering all the bridges you burn, is it worth the cost 
You live by the saying a rolling stone gathers no moss 
You try to be perfect as Miss 5-2-9 
You and your family are the foundation of intelligent design 
You always feel the need to shine 
You tell everyone you are the top of the line 
You are the main attraction at the show 
You can always tell everyone what they don't know 
If I conquered a hill, there are ten mountains you have climbed 
You will always claim it's intelligent design

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papa johns

days and nights of loosen over,whens my four leaf clover gonna come over?
when?i get to spin to dont i?crem de la crem is beyonce knowles and all those 
schols,so who cares?in the air is where i gery,the berry b,humble me with a 
jumbletron,its phonic and unbubonic,get over it,the bubonic plague doesnt exist 
and lest the kiss is much for chris.merry christmas,to-wit.

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please believe in self,nothin else,whoc ares who sits upon the shelf,witht he 
filth,unlike me,eternity,who bleeds for thee.can i give it?or shant i spit it?jumbalia.

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green gang

thanks for the skanks on billboard planks but we got another,a brother from 
hartford,dang,i forgot his name,said we could play as long as he payed,it was on the george bush team,any dream will do as long as you,submit the 
proper form,thas yours.

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show, who, how, i

say i guy,we die over and over,crimson and clover sucked.we truck butter 
duck cups,give up love to the fluffs,we enough?

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shook soot

so what?i got fourty more before hitting the bed,at least its read.

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Isn't It funny

Isn't it funny how we happened?
We met,
Something must have clicked,
I thought of you

I admired you from a distance,
As did you
I never thought you would ever like me,
You never thought I would like you
But I did,
And so did you

Isnt it funny how we grew to like each other?
More and more,
Day by day,
And either one of us saw the other one did?

I thought you were the most beautiful thing Ive seen,
But never thought it would happen
Although I wanted it to,
I never thought you liked me.
Little did I know, you did
And little did you know, I did as well

You always watched out for me
I wanted to tell you I liked you
Everytime I got close,
Id say something else

Then one day,
We came up with the courage to tell each other
You asked me out,
I said yes.
Together at last,
The love was so strong.

Isn't it funny we understood each other so well?
We could speak without words,
Id understand you and you understood me
Nothing could interfere

But I was wrong
Isnt it funny one person could do so much damage?
We were so close,
She pulled you away
You were there occasionally but oh so faintly

You were always there with me
But your hardly there now
I wait for you to come back
But sometimes you never come
And then Im alone

Isnt it funny how much it can hurt?
But the person you love is so blind to it?
I want him to see it
I want it to stop
Will you come back?
I wonder if he will ever see what is hurting me so.
I will wait for you to come back,
At least for as long as I can,
Or as long as I can hold out for...

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You are the female whose perfectly stacked 
You should wear a sign that reads MAY CAUSE HEART ATTACKS 
Pay no mind to what other women say 
Women have their men neutered, keeping them at bey 
You never fall for those smooth pick up lines 
You would be in prison, if a smokin' body was a crime 
Your last name is Parker, with a circle not so vicious 
You get the highest rating of bootylicious 
I am Sherlock Holmes, so give me a clue 
A hint of how I can get next to you 
If a genie granted me three wishes 
I only want one, I want to experience bootylicious 
Just the look from your eyes put men at your beckon call 
Every room should be filled with bootylicious from wall to wall 
If they could design a computer using you, there would be no glitches 
You would be the mainframe, the nerve center of bootylicious 
Bootylicious is in all women out there 
Go on men, check them out, take a long stare 
The walk, the talk, the strut and the look 
Your story is all true, a non-fiction book 
As you men stand at the kitchen sink while washing the dishes 
Look out the window, you'll spot bootylicious

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old bones

Poetic Form: Heroic Couplets 
Printer Friendly Poem  
Old Bones  

Just throw these old bones in the backyard
I got tired of life
I've loved it hard
Don't go makin a fuss
Outta losin this old cuss
Just bury me
Like you married me
In my jeans
Take my pieces and maybe make some kind sense
Course, we'll argue about how you got it wrong


Originally submitted under my Mom's site

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whats it like vince neil?to be da daddy peel?hugs with squeals,no deals,cheap 
feels and sowing wheels?huh,maybe i shouldnt ask you.i approve,though.

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What's Torrie Spelling?

She always seems to mix up the word used to describe what you do when you 
She uses the word to describe what you put on your feet
Come on girlfriend, get a clue
It's not what you wear, it's what you chew
You decide to have a yard sale, but there's a reason nobody's buying what you're 
They all wonder what's Torrie Spelling
Some words are just too difficult to decipher
No one corrects her because everyone likes her
She once tried to start a literacy campaign
Causing herself some financial strain
She invited friends over to do some walnut shelling
They are a no show, they just want to know what's Torrie Spelling
She writes gas prices are up ten scents
It's not what you smell, it's what is spent
I know it's tragic because the world stops when celebrities have problems,
there's no point on dwelling
I personally don't care what's Torrie Spelling

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christ to kill

next my luster is a buster and a vusting uppence usher.i was told where to go for 
my coe of killagraph,did ya laugh at my fat ass?love drew carey.

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Pimpin' Out My Hoes

I collect the money each and every night 
Occasionally check with the Johns to ensure the service was alright 
A smack or punch in the face keeps them in line 
I keep a short leash on them, they might as well be blind 
Judy, Jennifer, Rachel, Courtney, I don't care 
Each night they give me my 90% share 
Don't make me use my pimp rod 
Put a few bruises and cuts on your bod 
The guys get the lovin' by paying the dough 
It's my career, to get rich by pimping out my hoes 
I will shoot a John who doesn't want to pay 
I manage the hoes and finances day to day 
I just got a new one, for a while I will keep her close 
Business is booming for me pimping out my hoes 
One wants to leave, the only way out is the grave 
My pimp rod makes it clear that I am the master and the hoes are the slaves 
I can't allow the hoes to sit around and have my secrets to success disclosed 
It is classified material when I am pimping out my hoes

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Harrison's Ford (

My ride broke down again yesterday
I guess until I can afford to have it fixed, I will thumb my way
I don't want to lose my job, so I can't miss work
Missing days upsets my boss, that's one of his quirks
If I make through Friday, I will pop a cork
I got a ride today in Harrison's Ford
Quite the ride, smells like used diapers
It began to rain, windshield blurry, no wipers
The seat was a park bench welded to the floor
All we're missing is feeding the Pigeons in Harrison's Ford
He talked non-stop about everything that wasn't  important at all
He's a safe driver, so he pulled over to make a call
He started telling the person on the phone the same thing he just told me
Then he talked about his water on the knee
At guess getting to work is at his own accord
It is a torturous event riding in Harrison's Ford
This excursion caused me to be late
A journey of pleasure? This is a debate
I am going to leave before sunrise to ensure I won't be late
Walk the distance or use my pair of roller skate
Or cut across the lake on a boogie board
Whatever it takes to avoid a ride in Harrison's Ford

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foam,rubber steele,can we feel the nuke inside.i would love to stay but i cant,i 
gotta ride.

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clearly im the best,the rest just jest about granma's chest and the size of it,covet 
the law,we saw that book too,the one you use to copy phrases,killer dazes in 

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do what?

so what?some shame,all fame,kitchen cabinets,all in my anna and 

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In a starry night
an adolescent thought starts
a rivalry. A baby moon squirms.
No hour was safe from terror in dark.
I climb the stairs breathlessly.

The great divide deepens in hearts.
Incisors bite the tongue,
grey cells bleed inside.
Thick ash has not stopped the cinders
smouldering under the veils of flushed peace.
Cupped tears wash the feet of death,
a caravan of words moves desolated,
cutting on the edges, before you say
goodbye to green vision.

Today I am pulling out the nails
from the walls. No hangings of departed centuries.
No portraits of exiled flames.
Only the face of truth, burning
at the interface of unthruths.


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Trailer Romance

We're getting married and you say you wanna wear white 
I tell you, your chance of doing so ended last night 
I punch you in the arm and say now you can wear black and blue 
You kick me between the legs and say now you're hurting too 
I laugh and stand back up in a fighter's stance 
You say in a sexy voice, ain't nothin' like trailer romance 
Three hours before the ceremony, we each pop open a 24 oz Bull 
Then we puke in stereo as our ceremony comes to a close 
With beer cans clanging behind our Pacer 
I tell you I am with the FBI and they have attached a tracer 
People laugh as we request a spotlight square dance 
She says it will be alright, our honeymoon will have a lot of trailer romance 
One of wedding gifts is a gift card from Big Lots 
Now we can by a dish set, flatware and a couple of pots 
Kissin' cousins, now we are two 
My wife just had our first son, we named him Big Blue 
Next one she bears, girl or boy will be called Bubba, what a great name 
Marrying your kin folk should hold no shame 
Find out how good life can be 
When your cousin is your wife to be 
Go ahead, roll the dice, take a chance 
Now I am a firm supporter of trailer romance

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Unaligned Expectations

About the time you finish this,
Before you come to any conclusions,
Count all your blessings, and
Deem me questionable;
We'll be on the edge of our

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stole matt

sexy steamer stole matt,killagraph,cut in half,wish its that,feelin bad,bout what i 
did,in the craft,of my work,boys should hurt,screamin heard,there was a word,too 
absurd,to learn.

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i dont drink to think,i get mine which is fourty four and give it a little more.the desk 
is littered with my joking remains,all for one,who has,disdain,the plain 
jane,and,no,joke,i drink coke,and shovel snow.theres no blow that i know of that 
provides this,i could ask eminem or nikki sixx,whats that stuff yall do that makes 
you sick?its their trick and my pony,tender roni.balogna.

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priminition said so

priminition said  so,the disease led to,an invite dead so,i complete by 
jeetison,the edison was far work,enough to jerk or sperk out the word,i love it,do 
it right,kitcha tight and i wont put up a fight.

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sleepy town

theres never anything new in this town,leave me around,i found a corner and the 
rayoneir was queer,to the people eater.the people eater is a cheater from the 
skeeter of minnaseteer,a big ole disater with a faster basketcase,pre-band.look 
at the other hand,it says left out for a reason,dont believe him,slim.i get it im with 
it.its over when you post it,boy.

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Medusa's Brother

Girls look in your direction and see you comin' 
In the opposite direction, they start runnin' 
You claim you are in excellent shape 
Your face is a train wreck and you cinch in your gut with electrical tape 
You drive a Yugo, it's color is Slime Green 
You say you are just over run with bling bling 
How can you claim you have the perfect life 
You are married to an inflatable wife 
Women look at you and begin to cuss as they run for cover 
Somebody spray painted a name on the car, it reads Medusa's Brother 
You have no clue why everyone calls you M B 
You believe they are saying M D, you think it's short for Mac Daddy 
You wear your favorite tee shirt that reads World's Greatest Lover 
In the females eyes you will always be Medusa's Brother 
Well M B, for you there is some bad news 
You will always be singing the lonely man's blues 
You have asked M TV to pimp your ride 
They can fix your car but your face you can't hide 
You say well, I guess it's true, a man's best friend is his mother 
But did occur to you, your mom also calls you Medusa's Brother

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Inside Jane

She's the finest one I have ever seen 
She requires a bath, but can't handle the Afro Sheen 
She is high maintenance, which I don't mind 
She receives complements from time to time 
There is something special about her, I just can't explain 
It always excites me when I'm inside Jane 
She is long and sexy, a real lady to me 
And everyone that meets her does agree 
No other can compare 
With all my friends she is shared 
She was expensive, I paid an outrageous price 
She's my pie, but I don't mind you having a slice 
I own her, she is my property 
She has demonstrated unswerving loyalty 
I think I will change her name to Candy Cane 
I control the heat inside Jane 
She is getting up there in age, I may soon have to replace her 
The next lady I buy, I will call her Jennifer 
After my use of her last time I discovered a stain 
Came from a dog that wasn't properly trained 
I apologized to her and asked her not to be mad 
She has been the most loyal one I have ever had 
She is more than eager to entertain 
What? Cut the dirty thoughts, she's my private plane

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crease kept up with universe,universe was happy as long as crease was 
there,where darkness was i dont know,but i do go somewhere in the hands of 
time.wash dishes witches,im pullin up the switches.dont deny me,it'll only make 
it owrse.first to respond to the dawn of time thing,thats me,sugarfree,absolutely.

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grey of heart

to dart the behind of legulars,to see the empty,to twain a melt,to even empty,i 
sweel,cant ya tell i can spell?my dell is veiled in immerse units,theres nothing to 
it,just do it.remorse?only for the horse one,of course.

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we retard our regard and hope heavens not this hard.thats not it russia,its more 
like mother love and  feel good stuff,use to nuff and coold a gruff.we love and 
miss you russia.

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devil dance with the chance of tomorrow,little harlet,spoon fed bubba fet,little 
meagon,kitchen wagon,been draggin sice taggin bodies,awful shoddy,or shotty.

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I Got Burnt By a Ho

I started with 50, ended with 25 
She gave me nothing, just a lot of jive 
I told her pimp I want my money back 
She is not under factory warranty, there is no contract 
I have seen her show, but she no mo jo 
I can't believe, just like that, I was burnt by a ho 
She tells me that pleasure runs with pain 
I am not a pilgrim, I am not John Wayne 
I tell her only my bank account hurts when I breathe 
She says, to please my customer,I always have something else up my sleeve 
I tell her never mind, I will cut my loss 
You are supposed to be a ho, I wouldn't reccomend you to my boss 
I can't believe I was outsmarted by someone with the intelligence of Larry, Curly 
and Moe 
It is too embarrassing to admit I got burnt by a ho 
You smell like fish, so go work at Cannery Row 
I would have been more successful if I would have selected Flo 
I will always wonder what could have been 
I hope she ends up in Depends 
I picture her in a diaper with no self control 
Avoid the fishy one, I got burnt by that ho

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One funny man
who wanted to dodge tax,
he closed his eyes as a blind man
to escape the road block.

But when they saw him,
moving alone on the way,
they prepared him a trick
to verify the truth.

They  shout only once,
hullo young man,
you're about to fall in the hole.

The funny sturbon guy,
opened his eyes to escape death,
but  ended up in jail,
and cry the whole night.

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Sitting all alone in a place that's called the night
with the clicking of a mouse he enters on the site
  He searches on the pages looking for some clues
  maybe in the words there's something he can use
A vixen all excited who's looking for some fun
a lady there in waiting or a man that's on the run
  He reads there of a man who is shedding all his tears
  for a woman who has left him after all these years
Down there at the bottom is a hater of all men
claiming that no one can know exactly where she's been
  As he wades all through the rubble or stops to pick a lock
  the only sounds he hears is the ticking of a clock

Should he let out all his demons or join with the contrite
should he be so cavalier and stay there hidden out of sight
  should he gather all his weapons and start an ugly fight
  as he reads he tries to pick what will suit his plate tonight
the choices are so many as he crawls on through the night
but he clicks on to the exit and then turns out the light.


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soda bottles

proper context leaves me frolorn,when iwas born there was no ajourned,just 
born,see,the bee in the hair took some outta there and where did he take it?
probably for his sake,to his nest,with a vest on did i carry a gun.think im talkin 
about bees or stees/no,im talkin about bein soakin wet,in the blood of ucrisis,i 

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credits edit is fed it,my medicine is just jettison my edison,and fold over her nigga,my incomplete nigga,wheres the swerve in the scurve rotund?
i need funds and a future,you should sutcher,and deliver a final blow,exits know.

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do da bang

do da bang a favor,ask laser to tazer,with a case er two,all excused when i do.

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say,what time will you be home?alone/pick up the phone and call me,anna 
draws you.hoo hoo.

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seems like feeling flings,in dings,wings and triangles,tangle said webs done 
it.confront it on mash,see if cash makes crash davis beautiful.we doubt,me and 
my town.lean it around.

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My Cerification

I've worked hard to have my franchise 
I am surrounded by bleach blondes with green eyes 
I was no homecoming king, I received no coronation 
Please take a stab at my certification 
I don't study the existence of life 
I am a working man, no time for a wife 
My certification is not a Biologist 
No study of the mind, I am not a Psychologist 
I've gone to the school of hard knocks 
My business covers many city blocks 
Every night is a celebration 
I have yet to tell you my certification 
I don't like Dinosaurs, I am not a Paeleontologist 
I can't put anyone in a trance, I am no Hypnotist 
My education is from up and down the streets 
I am not on doughnut patrol, I don't walk a beat 
I am definitely not into Claymation 
Are you still in suspense about my certification? 
I am no womanizer looking for a tryst 
You can scratch an actor off your list 
I am no Polar Bear coming out of hibernation 
Soon I will reveal my certification 
I am not into sports, I am no Analyst 
My work is tax free, I don't have to deal with the I.R.S 
I have no fruit baskets on a sofa, I am not a Psychiatrist 
I will now tell you, I am a Pimpologist 
Now that you know, keep in mind how much dough I make 
No cheap wine, no pot pies, just champagne, shrimp and steak 
Constant growth, all women are welcome to become part of an industry leader 
Most of my women come from men who are wife beaters 
I hook my women up with my patented 201k plan 
I am the CEO, I am the man 
5-2-9 can give you my specifications 
5-2-9 helped me achieve my certification

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Mr. Rogers In Da Hood

Once you enter his world there's no going back 
It has been reported Mr. Trolley is off the tracks 
A zip of the sweater and a flip of the shoe 
BB King will stop by and sing some blues 
His friends visit him and tell him he's got it so good 
The news is out Mr. Rogers is in da hood 
The doorbell rings, who is the mystery guest? 
Paris and Nicole, this is going to be a mess 
He asks Nicole; Whose the Daddy 
She answers in a voice very sadly 
It could a number of useless men 
I can't answer the five questions, who, why, what, where or when 
Too much pressure on the girls, so they go back to Hollywood 
You cannot outsmart Mr. Roogers, he owns da hood 
Barney Fife stops by for a spell 
A bully has threatened him, he looks pale 
Mr. Rogers grabs a bat and says bullies just aren't no good 
You are safe as long as I am in da hood 
Now everyone can sleep in peace 
You have Andy, Barney and Mr. Rogers, the dream police 
The three track down a criminal in Kryler Woods 
There's a new sheriff in town, Mr. Rogers is in da hood

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Your Breath

I see a green, slimy smog coming from your mouth 
It smells so bad, it should have come from down south 
You smile like it's no big deal 
If bad breath was a move in wrestling, you could go for the kill 
I give up, so I will wave the white flag 
Don't breathe my way, your breath makes me gag 
I will stay upwind to avoid the wave of the breath attack 
Do you eat fresh onion and garlic as a snack? 
Febreeze won't help neutralize you 
We can solve this with a mouth full of Gorrilla Glue 
If that don't work you be outside the bio dome 
Get the hint? Your parents don't even invite you home 
There is no me and you as friends 
Your breath is like time, it never ends 
The female deer would not breed with you if you were a stag 
Move on, move out, your breath makes me gag

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I was singing in the toilet,
when the moving fly
entered my mouth.

I thought it was a joke,
and planed to bite it,
but it was late 
since it was quick to fly.

I felt very bad,
and looked up and down,
but nothing was good
in my life.

I  asked my self where's the fly?
But  i proved it late
that  i was wrong  to open
my mouth leaking every time!
The fly was right.

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pre seering heat

slamby pamby,my axis chamby,wheres jerry with all the carey and the losey and 
the parusey?who's to know the excusey?we see.

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I was standing on the corner, in a place I've never been;
the merchants of enticement, were inviting to come in.
The ladies on the corner; were hoping there will be;
A chance to make some dollars, from any man they see.
The bums up in the alley, were trying to lose the're minds
While swaying to the motions of intoxicating wine.
Hanging in a group, were guys all dressed in black;
It appeared that they were hoodlums, who lived across the tracks.
A grungy down beat rhythm, was blaring from the bars;
The signs outside were claiming, that the girls inside were stars.
Coming down the street and looking out of place;
Was a man inside a Bently, with a cigar stuck in his face.
All at once I heard it, a fight had just broke out,
Knives and guns were flashing and some girl began to shout.
Oh my god they shot him (she said; I think my baby's dead;
I didn't see what happened but he was bleeding from the head.
People from the bars, were hanging out the doors;
And the bums up in the alley, started running for the store.
The guys all dressed in black were frozen in a stance;
And then they started hopping, like in some kind of dance.
The ladies of the night, were trying to make a plan;
They were trying to find a way to get, wallet from the man.
I turned and started walking, away from all the fuss;
I walked a couple blocks and then I caught a bus.
It happened up on Broadway, on the night of New Years Eve;
In the town of San Francisco, the city by the sea.
I was twenty one and looking for some action;
It was more than I had bargained for, in fact it sent me packing.
The next time that I went there, I had myself a gun;
And some fellows from the posse, but all we had was fun.
There were other things that happened,other times that I was there;
And I might write about it, if I see that any care.
So if you liked the story and care to read some more;
Be sure to write and say so, I'll pull my notes out of the drawer. 

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wine dine,and find me solution,to toosh,the them,the in,when?when can you?
land you fourty five,beehive and we tie.

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pays to be me,in defeat,do you scream.lean, plaeser,a hellbent 
ceaser,weezer,the band,my biggest are they/they repay from 
scratch,did it catch?where are they?doing it/when?where/give in,care.see the 
lights,fantastic,creme de creme,me agnastic.wastic,pretty boy,give it up,give to 
loins.foil man,where's the gerbil?

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sick souled sucka

sick souled sucka.sick souled sucka.sick souled sucka.did you hear what i said?
be dead,even,for play,walk away and stay the course,of course.

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Ella Minnow Piece

Learn how to talk to different people, such as:
Mechanics who claim to fix your car and your problems,
Nymphomaniacs who can be kept eeeeeeasily aroused in what you say, and
Ostentorians who will help you be a good listener while standing decibels away.
Politeness and tact with all are the keys.

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The spider spins its silky web;
It captures victims by surprise.
With lightening speed it wraps it’s pray;
And slowly drains it’s essence till its dead.

Some woman, like a spider;
Will paint their nails; and spin their tales.
But you think its fun; for you're the one;
That thinks you’ll make them fail

Their silky thighs; their moans and sighs; 
Their legs around your waist;
Then its you that’s trapped; in their charms you’re wrapped
And they just might use you with out haste.

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say so

seek the devilfind god,find space,find last,find wood,find him.too.

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The best i love,
it's my bed at home,
the source of my joy.

I love my bed,
the source of my love,
my family, my hope.

I can't hate it at all,
the place i can rest
after work.

I praise my bed,
the road of my life,
my light, my sweet.

The best friend i love,
it's my bed at home,
the mother of joy.

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stay docked on board,see the hordes of characters,see the verse,any worse than 
this and we turn back,lack of mutual funds is crack,any attack,any walk back,any 
sack of charge,any large,any bedoy,any woy,any soybean sanwich,any 
camerich.tell me ma i go's south,lounge around in fat chairs,how dares ye?

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ways to roads,many,small,can tall,the all.feel free to write me at myspace,now.

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nader's raider's,pitter paid her,she was little,she was made her,good girl,did ya 
turn/good girl,little learn.

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i would just like to say thank you to poetrysoup for allowing me to write poems 
here.ive been able to complete my first book today and am sending it in,with a 
poem mentioning poetrysoup and other internet poetry sites,so,look for it.its 
called,poetry lines and is written under my pin name,to-wit,so,please look for it 
whne it comes out,ill let you know,thanks again.

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read the exit

slip in,find tim,see if he did,what gives?i dunno,but losers in,seen and held,fell 
large and in charge,we tar it,its sorry,now shes dead,any head,any head will 
do,reap the benifits of askew and tell us what to do.sunni ghost.

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say i am

you'll feel better when you admit,i get by you lickety you have sexual 
requirements/two times it.the money comes,in three yers,whats has changed?
be you fear it?old hag from old dominion,little runt scold the 
children.what time is it,where you are?your a star if you ride hard.i do.i know.ill take any of you to the moon,take you on,bring the broom,silly 

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Not yet

I have a rope, it's tied to a beam;
My hopes are all shattered and so are my dreams.
By my computer is a note of the why's
I hope they can read it; there's tears in my eyes.
There on the couch is a skirt that was hers;
Where her blouse is, of that I'm not sure.
I took a shower and washed my hair twice;
What ever I do I have to look nice.
I have some rags that will be of good use;
But I have to keep wondering am I being obtuse.
I'll make a dummy adorned with her wig;
I'll laugh like a mad man when it snaps like a twig.
What's that you're thinking, revenge is not good;
Then do clue me in, I wish that you would.
Better the dummy than her or me;
That's not so bad you have to agree.

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Get Your 4-1-1 From 5-2-9

I am the authority on any question you may ask 
But be prepared, because I know I've already completed that task 
You ask me which pet is better, a dog or a cat 
Read my latest article about the care of all animals, called Been There, Done 
Don't try to outcook me, I graduated at the top of my class in Culinary School 
Put your money on the table, I know I can beat you at pool 
When I drive, I demand complete silence, I don't want any distractions 
Computer programs, accounting, I've used every kind of database, done every 
kind of financial transaction 
Don't argue with me, because I will win 
Everyone tells me they wish I had a twin 
You want to know about raising children, ask me about mine 
I strongly reccomend you get your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 
You women need to break your men down 
There is no king of the castle in my house, I wear the crown 
I may be a little proud of what all I've done 
I know it is far more than anyone 
If you want to know about cars and their care 
I can tell you about dealerships I have fixed when and where 
You cannot tell me anything that hasn't already happened to me 
I keep a crystal ball to foresee 
During an African Safari, my sister went into labor, I delivered my niece 
I rode with Gypsies on the islands of Greece 
I had to tell Eugene, supposedly an experienced detailer, how to make the tires 
The secret is out, sorry Eugene, now they know you got your 4-1-1 from 5-2-9 
I won an argument with an astronomer about the solar belt 
I was given extra chips at a casino because I pointed out to the manager how the 
cards were dealt 
I've given advice to a couple about horses and their unpredictable ways 
I told a fishing boat captain, how and when to enter Biscayne Bay 
Through it all, I find people and force them to listen to me 
Where is Gabrielle, oh, she's eating lunch and my nose is snotty 
People love me for all the great knowledge I possess 
But I have one rival, I must confess 
She is at 1-800-SO-Fine 
She cannot top me for you 4-1-1 from 5-2-9

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great day

great day and gravy trains.rains on head fed the day.way past usin em,i want to 
tie em up and lift up skirts.sure its illegal,but i learned it from the regal begal.yall 

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Wrestling Entertainment

The news is out, who is doping up 
I was very shocked it wasn't Batista 
Matt Hardy and MVP, what a combo 
They take away the tag team titles from Douche and Domino 
All those wrestlers busted for steroids 
Now they which doctors to avoid 
John Cena won't have to watch his back 
Because Randy Orton was taking the crap 
Great Kali speaks in a language I call Orangutan 
The doofis with him translates his slang 
Chris Masters likes attacking the men from the rear 
They announce the Silver Back is here 
Hornswaggle is the Cruiser Weight Champ 
This causes Jamie Noble menstrual cramps 
Kane has cracked ribs from several attacks 
The Stone Cold Stunner is now back 
Rey Mysterio is back trying to make a statement 
The billion dollar industry of Wrestling Entertainment

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Yesterday I suffered; I think tomorrow I just might play;
Today I've been so stupid it really ruined my day.
I've been requested not to go, but I seldom ever stayed;
I've been abandoned and mistreated and then I've ran away.
I suffered my disgrace when she picked another man;
So I've turned down many offers to visit if I can.
I haven't been the last and I'm sure I won't be last;
But I seldom played to seconds to love that looked and passed

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Ho of the Year

I worked hard to achieve my goal 
I moved to the south to avoid the snow 
I've been keeping track on my graph 
I look at my competition and start to laugh 
My closest competition lives five miles from here 
Now it's my turn to be ho of the year 
My pimp is always bragging to the pimps union 
He says he's never seen such a young ho whose career is already bloomin' 
Tomorrow is my day off, but I want the overtime 
Heck, as a ho I still haven't reached my prime 
I will now have ten vacation days to use when I want 
To get where I am, you have to flirt and flaunt 
The final results are still unclear 
I'm dying to know if I am the ho of the year 
My pimp tells me there is a new ho in town 
She wears one of those stupid little hooker purses, I let her know it's too late for 
her this time around 
My pimp says he will put her under my care 
I tell him she's my competition, and give him a glare 
He smacks me with an open hand across the face 
He tells me, that was to put you in your place 
He says don't ever forget I am in charge, I want that clear 
A crowd comes out, he hugs me and says congratulations you were chosen as 
ho of the year 
I am awarded a trophy, flowers and a golden crown 
I am given the night off a limo to take me to the luxury hotel downtown 
They have reserved me the presidential suite 
It will feel good to be off my feet 
I tell the driver I want to stop for some beer 
I will get drunk and celebrate a lifetime achievement as ho of the year