The warrior lays her weary head,
With heavy heart she cannot bear,
Burning tears stream down her face,
As whispered memories touch the ear.
Her armour tarnished by remorse,
Her battle-cry a wimpered row,
Her wounds, of which bleed solitude,
Will never know forgiveness now.
The song began two score ago,
When two came knocking at her door,
In need of refuge from the world,
Of that, and love, and little more.
Forced to fight for every smile,
Her only solace found in song,
She longed for love to rescue her,
And plant her where she could belong.
Jealous tongues are seldom kind,
Self-seeking hearts know nought of love,
The caged canary only sings,
When coaxed to praise from up above.
For the steely spine that now I own,
Forever shall I grateful be,
A gift from her, and from her own.
Courage mounted inwardly.
I'll not forget how I have loved thee,
And youthful memories I will prize,
Til on the shore of His forgiveness,
Whereto now, we both shall rise.
A fleeting still small voice tries to warn me
A sudden overwhelming desire to run
The tell tale taste of metallic flakes
Means my nightmare has begun
Everything around takes on a ghostly pallor
A landscape of anguish and corrosion
A moment of silence before the violence
The flash of light, the brilliant explosion
The sound of the Sun fills my ears
Fear, my throat, though none escapes me
And paralyzed I clench my eyes
As my tormentor prepares to rape me
And it's endeavor is absolute
Consumption is its ultimate goal
It exists to chase me so it can erase me
Whilst feasting on my soul
And then that familiar salty smell
The sudden rush of warmth so stings
Engaging me relentlessly
In vile unspeakable things
Over and over and over again
My limbs stretched and wrought
As it's teeth tear my bones bare
It's mind defiles my thoughts
And still wounds beget wounds beget wounds
As in the mouth of madness I suffer
And with every injury he just seems to be
Rougher and rougher and rougher
Then just as suddenly as it began it ceases
And for a moment I am clearer
And then the true horror of it all
Is revealed in a darkly lit mirror
There in front of me stands my destroyer
Face flush with it's fill of my pain
And I find that it's eyes and mine
My God, they’re one in the same
Shrouds of mist did cloak the day.
Whispering winds with list did play.
Upon the graves of human minds
shrouds of mist were left behind.....
Well-wrought webs of darkness dim
vibrant thoughts held within.
The minds of humans do decay
as shrouds of mist on sorrow play.
Shrouds of mist did cloak the day
as waves of senses swept away
and all of those who dare rebel
were swiftly grasped and swirled to hell.
*Written at 16
A toddlers Crayola masterpiece marks the box
Where the story of our days now tarry
Passages tilting the axis of a bittersweet equinox
As photographs eclipse yesterday and today unvaried
The plans we made for a life
After years of work and worry
Useless installments when your partner dies
The crumbling of everything you once held firmly
Riveted, uprooted with every slide
Scenes of "our time" bring you back to life
I step from earth, you from the sun, for yet another goodbye
And the dam finally collapses behind brave hazel eyes
But not the brokenness your death left behind
Still, though no more than ashes it resides
Like faded photographs etched in the mind
Fanning the embers... one picture at a time
Rage rises, for you left me alone
Without refuge for all life's trials
And our sons fatherless before they were grown
Every step feeling more like a mile
I've grieved so long
And tried to move on
Like river water never looking back
But it's motion sings the the words to our song
Leaving me afraid I'll never belong
Or live out the plan we devised
For all my days my efforts give way
Blundering, burdened and blind
How does one truly recover
When the mate of their soul is no more
Or pass from one realm to yet another
When the walls of your heart no longer have a door?
Frustration builds like Lego towers
toppling to the floor under the weight of the world
Is it grief or something disguised by cowards
When a heart gets stuck from the pain that it's learned?
This ode to a man
Who in covenant took my hand
The marriage equator engraved a permanent mark...
For his death left a total eclipse of my heart
Crazy as a loon
But my God... how I loved you
My eyes fixed upon our favored moon
And I wonder... Do you miss me too?
Anniversaries used to be a joyous accomplishment
Marking years of selfless love made
Now it serves only an acknowledgement
Of a life interrupted by a cruel twist of fate
Of ill trusted hopes
And a future unmade
For us left behind to cope
With memories and photographs fading away
On this the 2nd anniversary...
Of your passing away
In memory of my husband of 25 years
Sore to the bone
Running on a drop of energy
Just gotta push through
I'll rest eventually
My shoulder has gone numb
But my body feels her weight
As if she's gotten heavy
Since her unconscious state
If I could, I'd stop right now
But who knows how safe it is here
And if I could even start again
I may fall asleep I fear
Soon my body will give up
But I'll make it as far as I can
And hopefully haven isn't too far
And I can put her in helping hands
Walking all day and night
It's hard not to think on past
And any thought I come up with
Has me struggling to hold sobs back
I've kept my ears open
Trying to focus on only sounds
But all I keep on hearing
Is my shoes crunch on foreign grounds
Bang. I hear it softly.
So far but still so near.
Bang. Another gunshot sounds
And I've collapsed in fear.
I close my eyes but another goes off
This time in a memory
And now I'm filled with rage
At how repulsive humans can be
My thoughts turn to my baby
Slipping off of my shoulder
I set her down and examine her
Bloodstained gown and skin colder
My worst nightmare but it can't be true
I listen in for her sweet breath
No. No No. No No. No No.
What's this silence? This isn't death.
This time I don't close my eyes
I see a sight that makes me sob
Memory of the last I saw my wife
And now my baby's with her mom.
Each one of us left covered in crimson
By a monster, a gunshot, a blow
Their death is the death of me.
This is as far as I can go.
Inspired by Morris Gleitzman's novel "Once," a historical fiction about a boy in Poland
during the Holocaust.
Today was much like yesterday
another day to hide...
The feelings anchored to my soul
carrying wounded pride
I try my best to wear the mask
and hope she doesn’t see...
Yet deep inside my heart I know
my love has eyes to see
It’s hard to carry on each day
when all I do is cry...
But even though you see no tears
there is a flood inside
God touched another hand
as last breath slipped away.
Cradled a loved one’s head
as hearts began to pray.
God whispered I love you
while angels near him stood.
Raised his soul to heaven
cause He promised He would.
God granted his soul peace
from life of constant pain.
Freed body from struggles
and further family strain.
God allowed him to love
to know all life’s pleasure.
But God loves him more than
one can ever measure.
Copyright © 2011 By Caryl S. Muzzey
Never a day goes by when she walks the shore alone
Grief stricken she has become now his spirits having flown
Seafaring was in his blood, ancestral like his past
For the seas take no prisoners, life very seldom lasts
Never a day goes by when she walks the shore alone
Her heart forever tormented for his seed shall never be sown
She weeps constantly for the love that grew with her soul
To grow old in their marriage, having children their only goal
Never a day goes by when she walks the shore alone
Loyalty in her remains as the past decades have always shown
The stone that now lays in remembrance, stands battered and worn
For the seas display their wrath, leaving the future of some unborn
Evening softly pours down from the hills..
The birds quiet , I hear the old dog bark
Another day will soon be put to sleep
And again I will be alone in the dark
The scent of lilac now comes to me..
The breeze gentle as a baby's sigh
The old back porch a haven now
As I prepare myself to say goodbye
Never thinking it would be this way..
So many days without much meaning
Hearing the creak of the rocking chair
Now to the past my thoughts are leaning
I am never jealous, but theirs an evil in my eye
Step forward and cross me, and soon you'll wonder why
No matter where you are, it doesn't matter where you hide
For I'm the clever one, who'll find you and watch you slide
There are some things that you will never own, nor I, so read my words
For if I have to find a reason, my actions are seldom heard
These actions I speak about, are the watching of your life fade
And the squealing through your last breath, your body in dying cascade
I am never jealous, but theirs an evil in my eye
Step forward and dare to cross me, and soon you'll wonder why
The world is small enough, it takes nothing for me to try
I can only ever promise, take what is never yours, and you will rightly die
The pro-Hanoi Vietcong many years ago
In the 1950's Diem's government they'd overthrow
All opposition was crushed killed or jailed
These elected ones to their people they failed
This Buddhist country so religious in belief
Now politically torn apart, impending future grief
In the early 1960's with the CIA in place
Discussing with Vietnam's generals, Diem, assassinated in disgrace
With the Vietcong army, growing from strength to strength
Another communist foothold, going to any lengths
In 1965, with 3500 U.S. Marines in place
By December of that year, 200,000 in many a base
These U.S. Marines, in their defensive mode
Over the coming months, peace would soon erode
With the Tet Offensive upon us, and the "Battle of Hue"
The Americans were now involved, this bloody war now brews
One decision to end this conflict, came in 1969
Nixon sent 18 B-52s, bordering Soviet airspace line
He wanted to show he was capable, to end this bloody war
But as the months and years progressed, the body count would soar
The anti-war movement was gathering strength, also in 1969
But the "Green Beret Affair" started to undermine
A U.S. Army platoon raped and pillaged, the village of My Lai
Where civilians were massacred, and many left to die
In 1970-71, Cambodia incurred wars wrath
Where they and the country Laos, were in the U.S. bombing path
Also in 71, there was the cutting of the Ho Chi Minh trail
But arms and supplies got through, this mission to no avail
Later in the same year, the Anzac's withdrew their soldiers
The U.S. also reduced, many of theirs from Vietnam's borders
In 1973, Nixon declared the suspension of offensive action
The Paris Peace Accords took place, peace with this warring faction
Between the years 73 - 74 under Trà, the Vietcong grew in strength
There was no mass offensive, to lure the Americans to their trench
Gradually they marched to their target, to see their enemies eyes
To their city of Saigon, now over a million humans have died
The average age of the American to die in this bloody war
Was just nineteen years old, never knowing what they were fighting for
So many came home from this horror, leaving themselves behind
Because so many came home different, home with a different mind
Even to this day, many Americans look back and ask
Why their elected Congress, feed them to these tasks
The sad thing about Vietnam, it continues to this present day
Where governments make decisions, asking guns to hear their say
Once again, the powers that must
In rise again in what we trust
An overseas conflict, another war
Just what in the hell are we fighting for
Families are asking, Korea has just passed
Generations again reft, how long will it last
A country in need, to rebuild again
Flags at half mast, in wind and rain strain
Once again into war, sent by the Washington Post
To send back reports to hit home the most
Military observers were the first to be sent in
Another chapter of man entering existing sin
I'm witnessing our ariel power, Lam Son 719
US planners determine their incursion, saying all will be fine
Along the Mekong River, we'll carpet bomb their supply trail
Tons of munitions and napalm, this spread surely cannot fail
Many sorties are being flown, for the wounded and the dead
Whilst Nixon and his cronies, aren't thinking with their heads
The news of losses has reached me, nineteen have been killed
Eleven missing, fifty nine wounded, more American blood spilled
Seven fixed wing aircraft, more sons in action loss
Whilst back at home more protests, fading the dyeing's gloss
To to this job that I do, I was never prepared for this
To witness such bloody scenes, and ignore that life is bliss
How can I write about a soldier, whose name I'll never know
Killed at nineteen years old, his family he'll never see grow
Or even explain to his parents, when carried from the AH-1
His body bullet riddled and limp, when lifted it bloodily run
I never went back to the theatre, called the Vietnam War
Having witnessed the wanton killing, what were we fighting for
This colonial conflict that started, us on the side of France
So many came back as strangers, many to live in trance
James Fraser's entry into the contest " WORLD OF WAR: VIETNAM "
I wade the waterside enticing death.
The sea extols the brash to th’ outermost
Abyss. A ‘know it all’, I challenged this
I capsized in the tumultuous seas;
I’m in the heart of the abyssal deep.
The billowing waters; they crest and fall,
Enmesh and sweep.
Disjointed and astray from sight, I strive
Complacently for that redemptive shoal.
This mortuary that’s surrounding me
Entombs my soul.
I look toward the surface as I scan
The depth of darkness for some tethered hope.
I clutch my hands into the obvious
End of my rope.
The moorings are beyond my grasp. I gasp
And struggle for air as I hold my breath.
The hint is clear enough; I closed my eyes
And swallowed Death.
She sits upon the hightest point
to deal with crushing blows
A place where she can be alone
and where no one will know
A place with perfect solitude
to contemplate her loss
Where she can cry or scream out loud
and no one comes across
She looks for meaning to it all
no answers can be found
She replays moments in her mind
but silence all around
The wind blows gently through her hair
some comfort from her pain
But soon her troubles reappear
and then it starts again
She knows her life is different now
but where to go from here?
This wasnt how it should have been
her heart is filled with fear
I grieve a life that can't exist
for things that could not be
of cherished plans that upped and left
of a girl no longer me
I grieve my dreams that slumber on
that I can not wake from sleep
and as another does drift away
for it's emptiness I weep
I mourn the loss of who I was
of possibilities and more
and wave farewell to a life not had
as she walks out through the door
I sit and ache for what is not
for the girl that can't be me
of things that only might have been
for the she that can not be.
Brian Strand's contest 'A first 50 posting' (July 2011)
Your going has left a hole in my heart that time,
The Great Healer, cannot repair.
Your going has left a hole in my existence
That forever and beyond will not heal,
A hole ever expanding from its own nothingness,
A hole through which all the goodness,
All the kindness of you is slipping through.
You were my sounding board.
Trite ideas offered, came back
Enhanced, brilliant and sparkling.
Borrowing intelligence from you, I grew wiser.
Doors opened before me as I strove to be worthy
Of you, my beloved son.
I go on now as you would have me do,
Searching in Nature for the joy
You found in its wonders.
Hearing bird songs with your ears,
Relating to others with your empathetic instincts.
Striving, ever striving to be the person
And mother that you believed me to be
And never letting your memory grow dim
For those you loved and for whom you sacrificed.
You came into this world with a wisdom
That did not come from me.
I thank God each day for His lending you to me
For the time that I had you near
And I cling to His promise
That I will see you again.
I could not tell from whence you came,
Born with a wisdom that did not come from me,
And I do not know where you have gone,
Part of myself, the better part--into Eternity.
Originally entered as verse
A Letter to my Son
Your going has left a hole in my heart
That Time, that great healer cannot repair.
Your going left space in my existence
That forever and more will still be there.
Ever expanding from it nothingness
A hole from which your goodness has slipped through.
The kindnesses you wore as a halo
Have disappeared as well since I lost you.
I used you as a sounding boad to measure
The wisdom and the beauty of the world.
Your ideas were so clear and brilliant,
Through you my own best aptitudes unfurled.
I'm trying to live up to your standards.
I want to be more worthy of you, Son.
You told me once I was the perfect mother,
And with you life was such a lot of fun.
I thank God every day for loan of you.
The time we had was more than worth the pain.
And now I'm clinging tight to his promise
That some day I will see you once again.
I do not know from whence you came,
Blessed with wisdom that did not come from me.
Each day I pray I know where you have gone;
Taking my heart into Eternity.
“Hate the sin and love the sinner”,
This maverick King of Jews declared.
He was like no king before him,
And none could be to him compared.
“Let he who has not sinned,” he said,
“Cast the first stone, should he so dare.”
And all the guilty parties stayed
Their deadly missiles in midair.
This King had no powerful weapons.
He ruled by purest love alone.
He feared not to touch a leper,
Nor die for our sins to atone.
At betrayal in the garden
He kindly healed the soldier’s ear.
And before it even happened
He had forgiven Peter’s fear.
On the cross, he asks forgiveness
For all of those who caused his death.
Forgiving of wicked sinners,
Was this maverick with last breath.
He forgave his wicked …accuser……..
Who laughed and called him a loser.
They didn’t understand him.
Although his future grim
He bore heavy cross
Deemed it no loss.
Our king died
I tweaked my quatrain by adding a nonet form as last verse.
Crimson mist in the Dallas sky,
a frantic wife's mad dash.
The world watched us as we cried
for hope gone in a flash.
Brilliant poet with timeless verse
and enduring message of peace.
A murderous fan fulfilled his curse.
Does lunacy ever cease?
Perfect day in the city
until the towers fell.
Religious zealots who had no pity.
Their resting place is hell.
So look at history if you can
and learn from such hindsight.
As long as evil has a plan
we must not quit the fight.
It is for sure, not springtime here
Shorter days now how bare His trees.
And looking back draws eyes to tear
For waste and loss of all my greed.
To sail the seas and not return
My ship sinks in the straight of dire.
Its keel has split, its hull to burn,
A spark to start my driftwood fire.
My greed will feed this driftwood fire.
Heap high this waif to be no loss.
No wisdom from my follies liar
Burn high! Oh! Burn you holocaust.
My ship of dreams I build no more
Fragments be hacked my vain desire
To toss like trash and be ignored
Upon my filthy, driftwood fire.
Self-indulgence fed driftwood fire
Now as to turn from what it seems
Left to me a works of priers
Never to sail my ship of dreams.
I pondered from my window long
Fanning my passion ever higher.
I cursed His name to sing my song,
A blast to stoke this driftwood fire.
Arrogance torched this driftwood fire.
Let my sins perish with my ships.
To right my wrongs I now aspire.
So let them burn without my kiss.
Resurrecting souls dreams have killed
To pull myself from deep quagmire.
And warm my heart which time has chilled.
Remorse now fuels my driftwood fire.
Self-pride will feed my driftwood fire.
These cords of which I gladly burn
Dreams or follies of mud are mire
No loss to me and no concern.
I've heard the sirens song too long
Uncharted seas with sails which tire.
With all my dreams and fancies gone
Let crackling rings my driftwood fire.
Steam hisses from this driftwood fire.
Stream's me toward sweet isles of peace
Bright flash and gleam of my attire
Shall fall in lour of my decease.
For fortuned Isles my eyes have cryed.
My dreams I leave to whom I sire
I'm cremated before I die
Consumed within this driftwood fire.
Upon my filthy, driftwood fire
When in my grave I take my task
Point for my Lord my vain desires
As chilled ember and cooling ash.
The fear of her looks
Became thorns in her side
Her images were shattered
Because the mirrors decide
This beautiful girl
Who sees a different face
She hears the world laughing
No matter where she is in place
In her bedroom at home
She faces her demons alone
Unknown to her family
For years she has roamed
In her dreams one night
She receives her wish
Surrounded by mirrors
She cuts her wrists
Because the fear of her looks
Had penetrated so deep inside
This beautiful girl
Who now, no longer resides
grant me grace
this ghost of faith
burn the edge
of my desire
numb the burn
red of fire
my dullest friend
let me wake
and sleep again
blur my fate
bring me low
dream no more
search not of
look not for
dreams will float
a lake of sin
oh life unsure
a quiet cure
yes I thought
more in youth
now a lie
your will is mine
space of time
bring me forth
My name is Peter the Pelican
I'm nothing special at all
I fly around as I'm supposed to
But this day I was close to a fall
Every day when I take to the skies
They are blue and sometimes grey
But this day I never imagined
That my bluey seas would decay
Oozing from metal giants
Now appearing after millions of years
Mans honey as they seem to be happy
Every find I hear all their cheers
One day their tears turned to shouts
For much of it was getting away
My blue was turning to a distasteful mix
In the place where I always played
One day without a care in the world
As I dived for a meal one morn
On surfacing I struggled to respond
Splashing I became so worn
My feathers were not responding
I'm drifting close to the shore
Amid a sea of thickening black
I sense the closing of my pores
What little strength I have left
As I lie in decaying kelp
I flap my wings and hope in my heart
Someone hears a cry for help
If I had a bottle of pills
I’d dump them out inside my mouth
Take the last few swigs of vodka
And swallow all of them down
If I had a big sharp knife
I’d drag the cold steel across my skin
If I thought for a moment it might
Bring this feeling to an end
I’d stare down the barrel
If I had a gun
Find the trigger with my finger
Pull it and be done
If I had a car
I’d park inside the garage
Leave the motor running
Till the poison filled my lungs
If I had a rope
I’d make myself a noose
Dangle there in my own doorway
Till somebody cut me loose
If I had someone to love
I'd probably treat them bad
Since that's all that I've known
In relationships of the past
If I had a heart in my chest
I'd be able to forgive and forget
But there is nothing left
Of that beating mass of flesh
So I'll just continue
Sitting all alone and in the dark
A typical evening in with the cat
Doesn't seem that bad after all.
Have led me to this
To leave this world
Of negative bliss
Boyfriends, who wants them
Parents who fight
To be in my shoes
I will no longer tonight
My diary is written
As to why I must leave
I have felt this for years
As I internally grieve
My i-pod is charged
As I take my last walk
Goodbye grey clouds
I'll miss your thunder talk
I touch the walls
Of buildings I've been in
Leaving my trace
As I graze my skin
Through the park
Where my innocence was taken
By my boyfriend I thought
Left me distraught, forsaken
I reach my last door
Its just a gap in the fence
As I see where I'll lie
My desires immense
On the sleeper I sit
As I await my fate
Say hello to tomorrow
I'm sorry I can't wait
The light gets brighter
As it nears my life's drama
Tears stream from my eyes
I love you mama
My heart yearns to be reciprocated
Every good heart deserves to be loved
The passion is still strong yet dimly lit
Keeping the faith as the fate is growing
I’m feeling faint and falling to my knees
Loss of breath, depth, and height
I'm losing my firm grip slowly letting go
My palms are sweaty, my spirit is frail
Disconnected from the rest of my being
I’m weak, limber...fluctuating high and low
I am invisible, silent like dead flies
Falling from the night's sky like a tear drop
In mine eye, a red river is flowing
You can see lonesome shadows of despair
Hearing cries of help during the midnight breeze
Pain and agony, hurt and betrayal
Blank slate is naive too soon to prevail
Escaped from reality and plumeth...
Buried six feet under with soil and dirt
Ashes to dust like crumbling particles
My soul evaporates into thin air...
Was my identity lost or stolen?
You have one life to live so live it
To the fullest as if it were your last