A plastic smile
He waves hello
To all his friends
He'll never know
Beneath his skin
There lives the sin
The hurt within
A silent wish
A crazy thought
How does one kill
A mind distraught?
An answer looms
As dead as leaves
It covers life
A matchstick lit
An open sore
A fire burns
Consumes the core
The pain is gone
When all that's left
Ash on the floor
A fleeting still small voice tries to warn me
A sudden overwhelming desire to run
The tell tale taste of metallic flakes
Means my nightmare has begun
Everything around takes on a ghostly pallor
A landscape of anguish and corrosion
A moment of silence before the violence
The flash of light, the brilliant explosion
The sound of the Sun fills my ears
Fear, my throat, though none escapes me
And paralyzed I clench my eyes
As my tormentor prepares to rape me
And it's endeavor is absolute
Consumption is its ultimate goal
It exists to chase me so it can erase me
Whilst feasting on my soul
And then that familiar salty smell
The sudden rush of warmth so stings
Engaging me relentlessly
In vile unspeakable things
Over and over and over again
My limbs stretched and wrought
As it's teeth tear my bones bare
It's mind defiles my thoughts
And still wounds beget wounds beget wounds
As in the mouth of madness I suffer
And with every injury he just seems to be
Rougher and rougher and rougher
Then just as suddenly as it began it ceases
And for a moment I am clearer
And then the true horror of it all
Is revealed in a darkly lit mirror
There in front of me stands my destroyer
Face flush with it's fill of my pain
And I find that it's eyes and mine
My God, they’re one in the same
Walking through the darkness
of the madness in my mind
I stumble on the pieces
of the twisted thoughts I find
I think about the way I am
and what I'll never be
as I sort through the wreckage
of what once was known as me
Searching for the sunshine
I am drowning in the rain
submerged in black emotion
I'm infused with all it's pain
There is no way I can escape
this hell inside my head
and though I am still breathing
I've become the living dead
In my heart I'm grieving
for a life I'll never know
I'm begging for my freedom
as I feel my madness grow
I am praying for redemption
as I choke on bitter tears
but I cannot find forgiveness
as I'm swallowed by my fears
I wonder if they see it
when they look into my eyes
I'm torn apart and weakened
as in silence my heart cries
and all the feelings that I hold
are suffocating me
as they cut and claw my mind
until they're all I see
Time is rushing by me
I am tired, growing old
the winds of change are blowing
and their bite is harsh and cold
I keep fighting for my freedom
but my freedom I won't find
as long as I am living
in the madness of my mind
Living with my madness
is the only life I know
and so much time is wasted
as my useless teardrops flow
I don't need to see tomorrow
should it be just like today
while I'm living in my madness
I'm not living anyway
Note: This was written after a bout with my depression and all is well! To quote a dear,
beloved friend, I am “Making lemonade”! Love, Robin
Another day comes
another one goes
and when it will end
no one really knows
time marches faster
with each passing day
as I'm watching life
just slipping away.
The hours tick by
as into the night
hurting and hopeless
devoid of my light
I'm seeking answers
to set my mind free
should I keep trying
or should I still be?
Where am I going
and what should I do
am I a failure
who's washed up and through?
The rest of the days
that I have left here
surely are numbered.
my heart sheds a tear.
So much time wasted
so many dreams killed
I feel my heart quake
another tear's spilled.
The morning draws near
no answers I find
searching these chambers
alone in my mind.
Do I have value
and what is my worth
am I just wasting
my time on this earth?
Answers evade me
as time ticks away
my heart is weeping
as I kneel to pray.
Dear God please tell me
please give me a sign
am I just crazy
by my own design?
Will I be able
to conquer my pain
or will I always
feel like I'm insane?
What is my meaning
where do I fit in
before my life's through
why did it begin?
I notice the sun
another day's over
I find myself looking at the ground
For there is no rainbow in the sky
The pot of gold has turned to dust
No answer to the question "why ?"....
written after thinking about all the
recent discussion about depression.
Of all the treasures one can own,
The greatest of these is love.
You're loved by me and many more
And by your God above.
Sometimes we must turn from ourselves
To fully understand
The loveliness surrounding us
As bounty from His hand.
Take heart my friend, you are needed
On this earth God has made.
Whether as sunflower in the sun
Or violet in the shade.
Each and everything has a place
In the greater scheme of things;
The mole burrowing under ground
Or eagle with his wings.
God loves you and is well aware.
He knows how deep your pain.
No matter how long the journey,
The road will turn again.
One day lasts twenty-four hours
And not one minute more.
Your ship is sailing with the tide
And soon you'll sight the shore.
The storms of sea will be behind
Despairs and fears all done.
Take heart my friend, we're here until
You new day has begun.
By: Joyce Johnson
Sailing these seas, right now the waves are rough.
The ship is hard to steer, and I fear we may sink.
My crew has hope, but they don’t see what I do.
The water’s looking troubled, just like the way I think.
Sailing these seas, the waves have settled down.
The ship is sailing smoothly, I believe we’ll be okay.
My worries are at the back of my head.
I’ll save them for another day.
Sailing these seas, I think we’ve struck something!
My crew is in a panic, and I was not prepared.
Captain, don’t you know you always have to be cautious?
Even the leader sometimes gets scared.
Arriving at the shore, the ship barely intact.
Most of my crew is gone, but a few knew how to live.
They saved me when I needed them.
I want to show thanks, but I have nothing left to give.
To me, this poem sort of symbolizes depression, while indirectly talking about it.
The first verse pretty much says
"I am in a bad place, and I have supporting friends/family, but they don't see what I'm going through the way I do."
Second: "Things are getting better and I've decided to stop worrying about bad things happening and try to be happy."
Third: "Whenever I start thinking about good things and have hope, something bad always happens and I should've been prepared for it."
Fourth: "I made it through it, but lost a lot of the people supporting me because they couldn't handle me while I was down, and whatever I went through weakened me so it's hard to show gratitude to the people who stayed."
Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With naked wrists and darkest souls,
She slams her fists against the bars,
And still she screams she sees the ghosts.
Through summer days and autumn nights,
Through season’s end and blinded sights,
They keep her down and clip her wings,
To mute the lovely song she sings.
In troubled times for modest lives,
To see the truth beyond the lies,
As time goes by and death comes 'round,
Her body’s cast upon the ground.
Through hearts of ice and hands of stone,
The devil’s wife’s possessed the throne.
But even though pain’s at it’s most,
She’ll still admit she’s seen the ghosts.
A wildflower stands erect
Soaking in rays of radiance
As the bees and townsfolk buzz
And the wind sways in a slow dance
Contentment is where she stands
Until she spots something missing
Among all the townsfolk talk
She was bound to start listening
Was in the clouds but now on land
Leans in to get a better view
A life involved with others
But she doesn't know what to do
Clueless but curious
Tries to start a conversation
In search of a smile
Doesn't find it in rejection
Caring but cautious
Hoping to look approachable
In search of a word
Doesn't happen when you're invisible
Confused and crushed
World doesn't make much sense
In search of a friend
Everything is better in ignorance
Laughter among all but her
She hides her eyes in sorrow
A life void of others
No hope for tomorrow
Disappointment is where she stands
Teased by something she can't have
Alone among a crowded crowd
Her heart wounded by lonesome's stab
A wildflower builds a wall
Unsure if she can be saved
Brick by brick is stacked
Her own prison's being paved
your tongue spits out venomous fire
vitriol spews from your lips
your words are a funeral pyre
you gloat, as my shredded heart rips
I was happy in my existence
carefree, fun-loving, and true
you hounded me in your persistence
changed my reds to depressing blues
you've damaged me beyond repairing
I'm broken, abused, and forlorn
this bruised heart is way beyond caring
you crushed my spirit with your scorn
are you happy with your vanity?
are you poised to move on to success?
will you hold on, dear, to your sanity?
carry a mop to clean up your mess?
as for me, the north wind keeps blowing
my days spent in endless despair
the pain, like an ember that's glowing
tell me, oh Delilah, did you ever really care?
With all my heart and fairly,
Did I offer sweet surprise-
A birthday present early,
An art drawn near sunrise
All night working perfection,
I had gotten the shading right
With the shadow and reflection-
A suave leopard napping tight
He vowed I’d forget him some day
Though little did he know,
A month before my dear’s birthday,
His gift was ready to go
As time went by and quickly,
Fine colors met dark shades
His affections died so swiftly
And he erased the luster away
For the suave leopard in me slept
As long as his heart did rage
My gift through tears had crept
On the perfection of the page
Happy Birthday to you dear,
My present waits to be sent
I will cease these useless tears
For my love is time well spent
If I had a bottle of pills
I’d dump them out inside my mouth
Take the last few swigs of vodka
And swallow all of them down
If I had a big sharp knife
I’d drag the cold steel across my skin
If I thought for a moment it might
Bring this feeling to an end
I’d stare down the barrel
If I had a gun
Find the trigger with my finger
Pull it and be done
If I had a car
I’d park inside the garage
Leave the motor running
Till the poison filled my lungs
If I had a rope
I’d make myself a noose
Dangle there in my own doorway
Till somebody cut me loose
If I had someone to love
I'd probably treat them bad
Since that's all that I've known
In relationships of the past
If I had a heart in my chest
I'd be able to forgive and forget
But there is nothing left
Of that beating mass of flesh
So I'll just continue
Sitting all alone and in the dark
A typical evening in with the cat
Doesn't seem that bad after all.
An orange little ball,
Tattered and torn to bits,
No longer does it fly straight,
Its course lost, its path in fits,
An orange little ball,
Sad within its cracks and in its creases,
Faded bumps, its lost its grip,
It now falls to pieces,
Orange little ball,
Come to death smiling,
Never live just to die,
Happiness lives in and amidst the crying,
Orange little ball,
Wipe the tears away,
There is peace to be found,
In and amongst the fray.
Does everybody feel the same as I do?
Lost? Adrift? Disconnected? Confused?
Does anyone know how to ease the hurt of truth
For the accuser, as well as the accused?
I've heard there's bliss
Found somewhere in ignorance
For those who have been stripped
Of their already fleeting innocence
So I continue to move through this life
Practiced smile, that doesn't quite reach my eyes
Which instead reflect the emptiness
That fills me up inside
It hurts to feel so alone and uncertain
Consumed by doubt and fear
Eventually life becomes a burden
Damaged beyond all repair
The temptation to numb all sensation
It more powerful than one might believe
I'll sacrifice the pleasure, to relieve the devastation
As passion gives way to apathy
Say whatever you want
About those who dwell on the past
Go ahead and judge me from your moral soapbox
While you cower behind your mask
The opinions of most matter very little to me
It won't be taken to heart as you intend it to be
First you'd have to practice the words you preach
If you ever do then I promise I'll start listening
My harshest critic is the mirror,
Revealing to me...I haven't moved on.
My life has no current of happiness,
Just a stagnant still pond.
I dwell in a lonely atmosphere,
Though surrounded by numerous friends.
I feel the happiness...I once had,
Has came to an untimely end.
A numbness in my emotions,
The haziness never gets clearer.
It's now what people say about me,
My harshest critic is the mirror.
Don't give me that look
It was just a cut
I am no crook
I feel better
To see my arm bleed
You yell, "Get Her"
But the cut is my feed
Why do you make me stop?
It doesn't hurt that bad
You are not some sort of cop
Cutting makes me glad
I don't feel anymore
But the sharp blade
I am no longer hurting in the core
All the feelings fade
I wear a jacket
To cover the scars
And I'll have to hack it
They are my permanent memoirs
So I'll just sit
And sharpen the knife
Don't throw a fit
This is my life
It's not like you know pain
I do, more then others
I live life in vain
And I won't get help from my mother
I don't want your help
Just leave me alone
So just hush your yelp
Don't give me that tone
This is my choice
Not yours to say
The cut is my voice
So just let me waste away...
This is for anyone, who has felt alone, you aren't, things can never be as bad as they seem, just keep
moving and never give up.
Once again to my chagrin
This nightmare perseveres
And through the glass it comes to pass
To feed upon my fears
And it seems to slay my dreams
And in their stead leave blind
Mine own two eyes to that one prize
My soul doth seek to find
Still I pray that night gives way
And cures this circumstance
That captive holds my weary soul
Within it's darkened trance
And perhaps lay loose the straps
That bind me to this cross
And free from 'round my neck now bound
This curs'ed albatross
Lightning flashes and the rain falls
as the storm rages on tonight,
the family is so worried about you
and wanting to know you're alright.
Late, last Sunday afternoon
you tried to take your own life,
twice with the same medication
that was supposed to end your strife.
You were taken away and we don't
even know where you are right now,
but everyone is just hoping
that you can comeback somehow.
What ever happened to you,
that caring person you once were,
who could always make me laugh
oh, how I do remember her.
You took care of me when
I needed someone to be there,
so many good memories flash back
of the fun times we would share.
We are all still wondering why
you are suffering in depression,
and how could you ever hurt us
with such unexpected aggression.
You left your teenage son
alone in a state of panic and fear,
now we can only wish and wait
for some kind of real cure.
I wrote this after my aunt tried to commit suicide last Sunday, June 15th.
Thankfully, she was not successful. She has been struggling with depression
for about 10 years and this is the worst state that we've ever seen her in.
Our family and the doctors keep trying to help her, but nothing has worked yet.
So, we will have to wait and see where things go from here, as we still have no
word on her current condition.
We are not a religious family, but it might help if you could send out your
positive thoughts, and maybe keep us in your prayers during this difficult
and confusing time.
Caught in the whirl of the wind
Fought with the wilds of the west
As I looked for the light that has dimmed
I reached out till my sight found my quest
Alas! Wretched am I who has sinned!
Thinking I’m better than best.
Humbling myself for your grace
Hoping this pain’s not in vain
With the tears of my shame on my face
I forsake all the fame I have gain’d
For the love and my savior’s embrace
Now, I will dance in the rain.
16 July 2015
Isaiah Zerbt's Quatrets
Some tears are broken and they hurt like hell
Some are poison and viscous as well
Some are darts that tear you apart
But some a surgery that mend a broken heart
Lord, I do not know what to do;
Please, lead me by Your side.
Decisions I'm facing are lost and through;
Please, lead me to do what's right.
The Echo of a Soul
By Andrew Weeden
In the windswept hills of vibrant green,
Here I sit at your lonely grave.
The bright flower that made my heart beam,
Is the wilted flower I could not save.
From the beginning I did not know,
I was oblivious from the start;
Cancer’s blade cut away your happy glow
And would thrust to pierce my very heart.
Consumed in the darkness of raging anger,
Ten years I stand alone in the rain.
With death no longer a distant stranger;
My only companion in the storm of pain.
Now it seems no one remembers,
But you did not cease to be.
Your spirit still burns in glowing embers
And lives inside the fire in me.
The storm is passing; I finally see its end.
Happiness smiles again and shakes me to my core.
I realize every time I lift my pen
My Grandma speaks once more!
Reflections of your love
Weave tapestries in time.
As a singing mourning dove,
Your words whisper in my mind.
So though you had to go,
You remain in your begotten;
As an echo of a soul,
Gone but not forgotten.
Such pain, such pain this poor heart's born,
with so little pleasures in return,
much gifts it has bestowed, unearned
now, here it lies; morose, forlorn
Alas, alas, what curse has brought this
wrath upon such an innocent soul,
its spirit broken by this tragic role
like Atlas or more so, Sisyphus
Fall down again from feet to knees
to plumb the dark and dreary depths,
the length and seemingly infinite breadth
of this warm, salty sea of self-pity
These murky waters, born from tears
these waves and tides that chop and churn,
these silent sobs leave one to yearn
for one small thing; a tender ear
Vultures of doubt hover in my mind
Death beckons me
Live like a Stranger in my abode
Naught for me to live
Sparrows tweet around
On the soil beside me
Bend down, I sip water
Made muddy by rain
Came out of my walls
Tears flow down my eyes
Quench my parched throat
My hearts start beating
Feel light and tranquil
Sky is my home
Birds are my friends
Dogs line up to seek food
Push all away, I laugh aloud
My plate was empty a moment ago
Brimming with madness
My hands are full
I got a taste of freedom
it lasted a little while.
I got a glimpse of how it felt
to see the sun and smile.
It reminded me of who I was
someone I'd lost along the way,
felt good to step inside her head
oh I wish that I could stay.
But the sky is getting darker
black clouds again descend
and I go back to living numb
with a smile that's pretend.
With reluctance I must step
back to my cage once more
but now I feel the pain much greater
as I watch its closing door.
So while I tasted freedom
it is something bitter sweet
for now it's gone, the darkness
feels heavy with defeat.
April 1 2011
What have I done?
Have I thrown it all away?
Can I ever get it back?
Has my life gone astray?
Questions with no answers
Confusion my only friend
I keep hoping to find me
It’s like spitting in the wind
I look all around me
I see you standing there
But nothing that you do
Shows me that you care
One minute I think I see it
A love so pure and true
Then as I blink I realize
There’s nothing here but YOU
You want me for what I give
And use me for all I do
Nothing I’ve ever wanted
Seems to be important to you
It was a simple promise
A vow from within my soul
Now I’m trying to find myself
But feeling very alone
As you sleep I hear the sighs
Born within the man I know
Wanting me to be different
Accepting me; OH NO
I have given everything
To make this marriage work
But now I feel I must move on
No matter how it hurts
Goodbye to the heartache
So long to the pain
It’s time to find the little
Of my heart that still remains.
I stand here and watch the changing of seasons,
a summer of winters, an autumn of springs,
I stand here in thought, not knowing the reasons,
to the meaning of life, how the caged bird still sings.
I stand here and watch as the years pass me by,
regrets of my past, what my life might have been,
I stand here and muse over one butterfly,
freed from the prison it had put itself in.
I stand here and watch as the dark turns to day,
the first glimpse of sunrise, a shimmer of light,
I stand here and wonder where clouds go to play
would they take me with them when day turns to night?
I stand here on guard while my inner self dreams,
of a world free of hurting, a life blank of stain,
I stand here and listen while my inner self screams,
with fear in his eyes and a soul filled with pain.
I stand here alone, memories by my side,
a flood of emotions, bittersweet in my mind,
I stand here unknown with the tears I have cried,
searching for answers in a world where I'm blind.
How much longer can this go on?
How much more do I have to take?
One foot in front the other
with never a pause or break.
Relentlessly this pain does grind
I'm weary to the core
I no longer have the strength
to battle one day more.
I know you'd say to not give up
that I should keep on trying
But it's so hard to carry on
when inside you're slowly dying.
So let me just throw in the towel
and for one last time I'll weep
then let my cares just drift away
while I forever sleep.
Emote Contest. Depression.
In our complicated lives,
some will win and all will die.
Joy and pain, our common threads,
laughter comes and tears we cry.
At these crossroads, I have endured
sorrow and pain through darkest days.
Shadows smothered sleepless nights.
My sunny skies turned shades of gray.
I could suffer in self-pity,
not forgive and hide my smile.
I could act out the loser's role
and let the darkness stay awhile.
I choose to win and overcome,
yet clouds sometimes blow in again.
I just can't win, my heart cries out.
Then my soul cries, yes you can.
By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders
for I Just Can't Win contest (Joe Flach)
From the darkness of my soul I rise
To this life's putrid lies
As morning light beckons
My weary mind awakens
Although the sun is bright
Where all you see is light
My day is shining dark
I cannot find a spark
My heart is heavy as I wash n dress
All manner to impress
With shirt and tie
Bright lips and eyes
Hiding my sorrow deep within
Departing souls my only kin
My eyes so bright you'll never know
Your joy has become my foe
And when my eyes are teared
For nothing to be feared
You wonder why I cry
You walk away and sigh
A friend indeed is all I need
To share compassion's seed
Hold my hand in darkest times
Help me once again to hear the chimes
For I am want to die
But truly this is just a lie
For all I really crave
Is someone save me from my grave
From the darkness of my soul I rise
Yet another day for me to despise
I take the blade and contemplate
Who decides upon my fate