Diz Cajonne dey call Thibodaux
Paddle dis girl in his Pirogue
Den he see dem unmention
Dad tool stan at attention
She slap him stick HARD doncha' know
Dad pole shrink awful fas he yell whoa!
Sha, whad did you swat dad ting fo?
Now it at parade rest
Like diz bird in a nest
We are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Except Monday mornings and Sunday nights.
What are they on about, at this place that I seek
That is supposed open 24/7 days a week.
The pub is open we have an unlimited license,
Let’s have a drink before we go to bed!
I’m sorry we are closed the doors shut at eleven
That’s what the snooty landlord then said.
The helpline is here no matter when
Give us a call and we can help you then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, the phone rings on
A tape recording says, “Sorry everyone has gone.”
My car has broken down the man came to fix it
“It doesn’t work” he said sratching his head.
“There a computer on board and I will need to record
All the things that are broken down” he said.
But I need my car; I looked at him hard,
And he gave me a wizened up frown.
He plugged himself in, then said with a grin.
The computer says it’s fine, the engine is strong.
But the car doesn’t work you toothless little jerk,
The computer plugged in must be wrong.
“How can it be wrong it says the engine is strong?” he gave me a shifty look
“To be honest missus if it ain’t on the pute, perhaps the answers in a book."
He could find nothing wrong, the onboard computer gave a bong,
But it still said all was okay.
The tow-truck they called out with its ramp and its chains
Now they have taken my poor car away.
Modern life is so frustrating; we have everything at our fingertips
There is 24/7 that does not mean that, and fury does exit my lips.
If its 24/7 and help lines constantly, a car that is run by computer.
Why doesn’t anything work, I feel like the jerk, can somebody lend me a shooter.
I want to blast and to break all technology of late
It’s driving me to drink and distraction
The open all hours pubs are now closed,
And my car is still out of action.
The bank is closed, the computers just died,
The telephones gone on the blink
The TV HD, it is fuzzy like me;
I think I’m going to put my head in the sink.
The oven would be better, but its electric not gas
So I don’t think it would work as well
I want to end it all, not practice for the day,
The Grim-Reaper points at me, and sends me to hell.
Therefore, I’ll fill up the sink and put my head in the drink,
Oh, blast, who is that at the door?
It’s the water board here, we are just making it clear,your water is off for a week.
Typical, I have no car and it is too far
To walk out and jump in the creek.
The little thrill as the wave’s ripple in
Making the hairs stand up, on the surface of my skin.
The kiss of the sun with its warm breath so light
As it soothes my skin with warmth and delight.
The sand rolls around where my hands touch it soft.
The water rolls back and forth carrying pebbles aloft.
Setting shells down with rolling grains of sand
Making minute rivers run from the fingers of my hand.
The blue of the sky so pale and so pretty
On the horizon I can see the outline of the city.
Birds bob on by walking in the sand,
Not caring that I’m there lying on their land.
Curiously watching me, little eyes darting here and there
Watching for what, I don’t know or care.
A tiny emerald green beetle scuttles on past
Taking no notice of me, but from the birds, rushes on fast.
The sun is setting; it’s time to go back
The tide has come in but it needs to get back
The coastguard come out and asks so polite
Please can you move, the tide needs to leave tonight.
You have laid there so long, blocking the way
Can you please go back - so the water can flow away?
The ships need to sail and the trawlers come in
But you are blocking the way as you are not that thin.
The busy Moon forgot about the Tide.
She left it out all day upon the sand.
And when it found itself alone topside,
there mischief was immediately at hand.
It washed the muddy Rocks until they shone,
then dragged in trash to mess them up again,
it chilled the chubby babies to the bone
and tugged their pudgy feet to pull them in.
It rearranged the peaceful ocean floor
and wrapped the kelp into a tangled wreath,
then turned up all the driftwood on the shore
and tickled every creature underneath.
It tricked the Fishermen it came across
by pulling at the lines they'd cast about,
took cages that it saw the Trappers toss
and let the little Crabs and Lobsters out.
It fooled with every Fish that floated by,
it sprayed the Seagulls when they flew too near,
it pooled in spots it KNEW the Sun liked dry
and played with all the boats along the pier.
It sueezed the baby Squid until they laughed
then painted funny pictures with their ink
and after it had taught them all this craft,
it swirled away like water down a sink.
It called to Clouds that hung around the sky
and asked to meet them halfway in between
then teased them until they began to cry
but just to make it rain, not to be mean...
The Tide adored its mischief and it would
have gleefully continued on its spree
but for the Moon, who for the greater good,
came up at last and let it out to sea!
I turned on the water sprinkler under the Weeping Willow
A fine stream it did spray
The tree was lacking the nourishment that it gets from water
For it has not rained much in many days
As I was working in my kitchen and viewing the scene
Along came a male Red Cardinal
On a rose bush he did preen
Just close enough to the water to receive a fine spray
When he was water coated, he flew away
Up into the Weeping Willow and puffed his feathers out
Shook his tiny body as a dog after taking a bath
Then he sat in the Weeping Willow and rested for a spell
Before he had time to dry, a Black Bird
Landed on a Weeping Willow limb
Just close enough to the spray to get his shower today
Very intelligent these birds of the yard
Knowing how to refresh and clean their feathers
Sometimes I wonder if they are not more intelligent
Than some of the humans that have big brains
And fancy hair....
(I'll call it free verse for no other reason than I don't know where else it would fit.)
The river dragon of crimson streams
Swiftly swimming to bring my end
As I’m standing alone at the silent shore
The beast from this murk suddenly ascends.
Gripping my face in her flawless jaws
The teeth latched efficiently into flesh
Pulling me quickly into the depths
Dragging me into the shallow grave.
Surrounded in filth, drowning in the banks
The apex predator’s grip never relenting
All I can do is break, bleed and decompose
Hoping for some relief in the pending death.
I find some comfort in this prolonged pain,
Because I haven’t felt a thing in ages.
-Bunny Hole- by:SKAT
hidden muddy home
dirty paws, good boy' good boy!
yummy with carrots :)
-Unwanted Fluffiness- by:PD
Big Brown Burlap Bag
drop Bunnies down By the Bay
Better off -Blue grave
~SKAT & PD~
Hubby will NEVER let Dragon and me go to a pet store! Ever! Again!
It started when we needed Dog chow for all our really big dogs… then…
Dragon found the fish, with some being sold for only 15 cents apiece…
We were told; they’re sold for others to eat. Oh, No! Say it isn’t so! EEP!
Now, we believe, in save the whales, and every other gall darn thing.
And Dragon and I believe that the heart grows with everyone added in.
We were ready to cry, so we made a simple Momma and Dragon, foray.
We decided to save two more lives and then to bring them home. Yeah!
Don’t know how it happened, our plan got out of hand, but it was so grim!
We went back, many times, buying them all, filling our tank to the brim,
We spread the word, to help the goldfish, and so others hearts could grow.
Hubby said they had to go, so we gave them to people every where, so…
With 4 remaining, we decided to keep them at our house, safe and sound.
But low and behold, they kept growing quickly bigger, as they swam around!
Dragon wanted to take the goldfish for a walk, and to play with Santa Jack.
And the penguins kept coming around, looking for their midnight snack!
OK, maybe we didn’t think this thru, Yet, Tho, Still, Something wasn’t right!
They’re growing way to fast! From a 10 gallon tank to 150… In a week?
OK! Dragon what did you do? You took your Elvin magic gift, given to you?
OK! Spit it out! What did you do! You sprinkled the four fish, a little, did you?
Oh! NO! So we put them into the lake! And before The Elfin King was found…
We had the first Fresh Water Goldfish Whales, ever were or are… to be found!
We started the first Midwest Whale herding society, and when the Elvin King…
Was found, He & Grandpa Troll, were joyously rolling, in tears, on the ground!
By this time, like Dragon, they needed tons of food to eat…so we decided to…
Rent them out, to eat Asian Carp, who are, menacing, destructive & misguided!
Darned if it didn’t work! You know! Serendipity, low and behold! The answer!
The Agricultural Department was happily beside themselves… That is after…
They got over, that quirky and somewhat strange, Goldfish Whale, thingy part!
So, life goes on happily, especially for those Goldfish Whales munching on carp.
And yes, they’ve finally stopped growing, I am happy to say, and have big hearts.
And those menacing Asian Carp won’t be such a menace, from now on... Today!
As, ‘Alls well, that ends well’… and with great relief… I am wont to say...
And now Nobody's eating these babies, after Dragon had his way!
Head straight to the coffee pot after I pee
What happened this morning? Good god mercy me
Empty Folgers can
Was I pissed? Yes ma’am
(Four extra-large bags make a fine cup ‘o tea)
He starts singing songs of Ireland and we are home in a jiffy
"What's a jiffy," my mother wonders
"Guess where we went Granny?"
"I don't know but I have a feeling you are gonna tell me," answers my grandmother
"And Don't call me Granny!"
"We went to church so Poppy could ask secret questions."
"The priest gave Poppy a shot and a beer and Poppy sent me next store and he gave me money for taffy."
"He told me not to tell anyone especially you about the priest cause it's only for the priests ears."
"He said God would take away taffy and I'd never get another goodie and God would strike me dead if I told."
"So I can't tell anyone."
"He did," and she starts yelling and grabs a weapon,"what kind of idiot would be scaring a little child?"
Granny is standing on Poppy's toes and and asking him questions of where he'd been and getting a sniff of his breath
"So what did you tell the priest and him giving you consolation and a shot and beer."
"That little rat ," and thinks about the money for candy
Later, Granny is chasing Poppy with that big iron frying pan and poppy running and singing
"In Heaven they have no beer, that's why we drink it here."
"You damn fool I'm gonna bust you in the head, "and throws the pan at his head
Cousin Francis has bill collectors come to the house looking for him
Granny was four foot seven inches and she starts kicking him in the shin
My Mother grabs his Dick Tracy hat and she jumps on it and flattens it
I ask my mom where I was when this happened and she pauses
" You were in Heaven Patrick waiting with your brother!"
The truancy officers bang on the door and want to know where Uncle Charles is
Granny shrugs and says, "He is upstairs and the sound of the window going up sounds
They all run upstairs and see Uncle sliding down the tree and running as fast as his
seven year legs can move
He comes home later that evening holding a goose under his arm
And Poppy has a soft-boiled goose egg for breakfast every morning
I ask Uncle what happened to that goose and He said,"one day he came home and
they had chicken for dinner."
And Poppy was gone to heaven to get me and my brother ready Mom says
And Granny sits my brother and me on her lap and says,"you two knuckleheads listen up."
"This is very important so don't forget it."
"Treat people the way you want to be treated, because you never know who is going to hand you your last glass of water"
hot water bottle
just a temporary cure
until his return
*wishful thinking on my part*
She’s out there chasing a cricket
Through bush, through shrub & through thicket
Together they hop
But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
A cat whose vet took his eye
Just cannot quite understand why
His eye’s been enucleated,
3-D vision reduciated,
So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye
Ya gotta keep limericks loose
Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss
They’re structured, it’s true,
But they’re also a zoo
Whose tenants are all on the loose!
I frolic in fountains of words
Overflowing with serious absurds
Each poem I write
Wakes up and takes flight
Joining angels and faeries and birds
You ask that we write a good limerick
How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick
So I struggle and frown
Teaching poems to clown
So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick
A cat with a mouth full of mouse
Brought her feast right into my house
She played with her food
Who was not in the mood
To be a banquet of mouse in the house
The nightmares that shadow my sleep
Stampede the proverbial sheep
Right out of my mind
When I try to unwind
I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep
In her search for original truth
She met people unsavory and couth
She knitted and purled
But only unfurled
Yarns told by new age and old youth
Cat, suddenly pink,
Drinks her water from out of the sink
She looks so absurd
Since she’s been de-furred
I really don’t know what to think!
If one and one is two and two is four,
And there’s only two ways to go through a door,
Then, is earth up or down?
And, where is down town?
These are questions we need to explore!
A was that is an is
Tried to mind my biz
But I sent it packing,
Its presence was lacking
And I don’t have time for such shiz!
A couple who lived in Los Lunas
Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness
They’d stare at the air,
Over here, over there
And rejoice at the feeling of newness
A cat with a very fat gut
Found it easier to walk on his butt
He’d drag it around
Across carpet and ground
And use it to slam the doors shut
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,
“There’s something I think that you oughta
Do before we get old
To protect us from cold –
You oughta make the hot water hotter!”
The ghosts who live up in my attic
Make noises that sound much like static
I’ve tried to send them away,
But they’re here to stay,
Those staticky ghosts in my attic
This morning, you ask about cures...
Cures you say?
Now what do I (*hic*!) know
oh (*hic!)no!! (*hic*)
not these (*hic*) pes(*hic*)ky
hic(*hic)cups again (*hic*)!!
take (*hic*)me by (*hic*) surprise
don't (*hic*) tell me (*hic*) ok???
----> oh quit it!
I'll finish this one for you--
your hiccups are making me go crazy--
why don't we try the
*don't breathe method*
Hold your breath for 30 seconds
hold it...hold it...now exhale--
uh-oh! still there?
here put this spoonful
let stay on your tongue
then drink water
uh-oh!! you let the sugar
stay longer than 5 seconds!
uh-oh I think sugar doesn't work
but peanut butter!! or was it Nutella? or jam??
*water method #276*
how many ways can you drink water???
well apparently there's a lot
here-- drink only SEVEN gulps
while lifting your left arm
what? you feel bloated already?
well, you do what you gotta do!!
yes, you're on your 200th glass now...
aaack! still hiccuping??
how about pinching your nose this time?
yes, while drinking!!
*wet cotton method*
dip cotton ball in water
take a wee bit of it
and put on your nose
let it stay there 'till
your hiccups go away
tick tock ~lunchtime~
I think it's supposed to be a penny!!!
and it's supposed to be on your forehead, duh!
still with the hiccups???
break this toothpick
put one half in your water glass
now drink up
and watch that toothpick!!
what?!? you swallowed the toothpick?
hiccuping still too?
stick out your tongue--
now hold it
between two fingers
what? I can't understand what
still hiccuping huh?
we've gone through 100+
200+ water methods
and you're still
just keep staring
til your hiccups go away
haha you actually fell asleep!!
thank Goodness!! well there's your cure!
Oh (*hic*!) NOOOooooo (*hic*!)
*** Sept.11, 2010
for Deborah's Road to Wellville contest &
ooh wee-- my 200th poem posted here ^_^!!!!
(Good Advice Spurned)
Grandmother packed a picnic lunch.
Brother, sister, and I, with two uncles
traipsed into the woods,
in search of adventure.
We found it.
We ate our picnic lunch, sitting
on a fallen tree, spanning the creek.
We sampled “Rabbit Ice,” formed
on weeds, hugging the stems
in smooth, thin white curls.
We drank creek water in cupped hands,
so cold, we shivered.
“Let’s build a fire,” my brother said.
Uncle Larry cautioned, “You’d better not.
You’ll set the field on fire.”
We built the fire,
warmed our cold hands.
As the circle of fire began to spread,
we beat it with branches,
water carried from the creek in our hats.
Undaunted, the fire ate up the dry grass,
spreading like a pond ripple
from a rock thrown in.
Uncle Larry refused to join
our efforts to ‘beat out’ the fire.
He stood, callously laughing
at our futile efforts.
The entire field burned.
We worried all afternoon.
What would Granddad say,
when he saw the black field
from the kitchen window?
That’s it the battle is won, the toilet can fight no more
Three weeks ago the flush would overflow.
And kept leaving a puddle on the floor
I looked in the book, it said I needed a spare part
I went to the merchant; “we have none, don’t lose heart?”
I can send you somewhere, and they do have a spare.
So I went armed with lots of new knowledge and credit card
The merchant looked at my list and gave me the part,
I took it striaght home and started the job, it was hard
Then found the part was too short for a start.
I rang them and told what was wrong
Don’t worry come on back,
We do have an extension pack
So I drove the ten miles still full of enthusiasm and song.
I need a spanner for this, mine does not fit
“Don’t worry we have just what you need
Some PVA tape, a washer or two
And then it won’t leak when you’ve peed.”
I turned off the water, I thought that I oughta
Everywhere went dry but the toilet.
So with some intervention, I put on the extension.
But still the floor kept getting wet.
After managing to fit a new isolator
My husband was pleased “how did you do that?”
I said it's a pipe and a nut, not an electricl generator.
It was easy, I said wearing my know- it-all hat.
I twisted and turned, and I taped every joint
I fitted the valve in the top of the cistern.
I turned the water back on and it worked a treat
The arm moved up and down like a piston
The water stopped when it should, and did not overflow
I was happy and yet my feet suddenly got wet
The nuts and pipes still had fight left in them
I sighed gave another turn, it was tight and difficult and yet
I stuck my head under, turned the spanner, one more turn
The book was ok, but it’s doing the job I did learn
One more turn is one turn too much.
It split the washer and pipe, I knew it was tight
When it screeched like a banshee or some such.
The water came out, but the isolator did the trick
Its a good job I had fitted it on
I gave it a turn and the water stopped in a tick
I t was then that I knew I had won
I was upset it was a bummer
But I went and got a plumber
Now I am queen of the toilet I have won.
When the money is mostly spent
Find the lowest terms for the rent
A car on a train
Protects well from the rain
But better yet let's get a tent
This old way of fishin's become a new hit
Though sometimes I really don't get it
And on a scale from one to eight
How high could it possibly rate
When you use your own appendages for bait
Swimming around in muddy water while ya wait
Now that's called fishin'
With nothin' but ambition
I've been fishin' more than a time or two
Ended up with river mud on my shoe
But always from the comfort of my waffled butt
Sittin' on the milk crate from the back of my truck
Now I've caught shad and used chicken guts
Always said (come on fish) just for luck
But I've never offered them my finger bone
If that's what it takes I'll leave em' alone
I like to watch them stretch my line
And wonder if I'll get to my pole in time
But I'll tip my hat to those who dare
Both the water and maybe their blood to share
Fishermen everywhere know it's true
No matter the method the thrill captures you
Just be careful who catches who
Spend your hard-earned cash on fuel for takeoff.
Pray that the government does not find out until gone.
Allow your free time for checking weather, not golf.
Case the local food store for dry goods you can con.
Evaluate your water supply needs, no water in cosmos.
Secure a safe place for waste, body waste floats to easy.
Have welding knowledge, so your stored rocket is close.
Internet may bring suspicion making government queasy.
Plan to go up straight in the air, horizontal rockets scare.
A drought has been declared, no hose pipes can we use
There has been such light rain for two years, but I think it is a ruse.
The day the drought was declared the heavens opened up
They have not stopped precipitating; one certainly dare not look up.
The water flows as free as lager at a barbecue
Constantly pouring, persisting it down, and the same problems ensue.
We are drenched in all sorts as drains do rise, and rivers flood their banks
But the drought warnings still apply there are supposed empty water tanks.
The spring rain is falling not like tears on babies’ cheeks
But pouring and pouring constantly, and has been now for weeks.
Still the drought does linger but I think I know the ruse
They will put the bloody price up, and watch us blow a fuse.
Since the rain graced our little creek,
Running whooshing liquid fills crevices
Of rocks, pebbles then babbles squeak.
Racing surging constantly balances
Cadences of rhythm causes gurlging.
The poetic quality calms relaxes.
Lapping kisses caress stones~no pounding.
Calming tranquil scene heart rhythm fixes.
Ameliorate health; opens wide heart
To nature_ and wonder of soothing
Sounds~creek's gushing words of art
Out in the middle of the boundless sea,
As far away from land as ever it could be.
An island stands alone with water all around,
And the very whitest beaches that ever could be found.
At the center rises a volcano that long ago is dead,
And on its rim there sits a boulder as a crown for its head.
The boulder was heaved up from the center of the earth,
Then it landed hot and bothered on the day of its birth.
But now it has cooled itself and long since settled in,
Balanced on the edge of the mighty volcano’s rim.
This spot pleases him and he likes the moss that grows,
For he is the pinnacle of the whole world that he knows.
The rock is the sole authority over all the land,
Over the entire island and the grains of pure white sand.
But in the ground beneath his base a lizard is at work,
Digging out a place to live where danger will not lurk.
A den where his family can live a happy life,
Until he gets a look from his little lizard wife.
“This hole that’s beneath a rock reminds me of a tomb,
I think the kids are going to need a lizard rumpus room.”
So they sat at the kitchen table deciding what was best,
To add on to their little home by digging east or west.
If they were only made aware that they shouldn’t even try,
Not knowing that if they dug at all that they might surely die.
Because if they dig to the east the boulder will fall into the pit,
Left over from the place where once volcanic lava spit.
And if they dig to the west it will also take a toll,
As the ground beneath the rock will fail and it will start to roll.
Down the side of the mountain until beneath the waves it dives,
Its majestic face from the island the ocean water then deprives.
Either way it seems that the boulder’s reign was through,
Its fate was dependant on what the lizard chose to do.
On a tiny island a mighty boulder dreamt he ruled,
Not knowing what was at stake as a lizard couple dueled.
An unknown outside force would decide for him his life,
His fate was left to the wagging tongue of a nagging lizard wife.
The stone that now protects them they would cause to fall,
And when it does it would roll and squish and kill them all.
The lizard’s wife’s rebuking taunts drove him to the brink,
And he decided to go and find himself a better place to think.
So he climbed out of his hole to sun himself on the boulder,
And the rock called him lazy just to get him off his shoulder.
Us folks out here 'round Coalstoun Lakes we like to till the ground,
but when it comes to water ... well .. the prospects are not sound.
Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not, you live in hope each day,
then hallelujah ... from nowhere ... a prophet came our way.
"I've had a vision folks" Dean said, "brown water 'gainst a wall
and in your district too at that, it's bound to help you all.
A land of milk and honey folks is what you all will see
and soon you'll live in paradise as happy as can be."
For prophecies to come to light, you have to wait your turn,
perhaps a year, or maybe two, that's something we would learn.
Now folks 'round here are patient like and wouldn’t mind the wait,
but Dean the paradise you saw was miles from here old mate.
While heading off on tour in April, we had problems with tyres near Coalstoun Lakes,
between Biggenden and Ban Ban Springs. We called in at a property where we met Debbie
Bird, who kindly let Chris stay with her while I went into Biggenden to replace the
damaged tyres. In December Debbie rang to say they were having a function where Dean
Collins, who works for the Department of Natural Resources, would be present. He had
worked in the Coalstoun Lakes area for some time apparently and had became well known
to the locals as he pursued the idea of putting a dam in the area which would benefit
folk on the land. Sadly, a dam was to be built and would be named Paradise dam, but not
anywhere near where it would help the Coalstoun Lakes folk. Debbie asked me if I'd pen a
few lines to use on the night, as a bit of a send up.
Here we go round the working week
The working week
The working week
Here we go round the working week
Every boring weekday
We gossip around the water cooler
The water cooler
The water cooler
We boss he can see the staff they flee
Every boring weekday
See how we forward our funny email
Our funny email
Our funny email
The boss is here your screen is clear
Every boring weekday
Texting during a staff meeting
A staff meeting
A staff meeting
The boss is aware your phone is no where
Every boring weekday
Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose;
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!
All the boys of Tumbleweed scampered like chased mice
as they saw his bulgy belly hanging from his trousers...
ah, his bad breath had the stench of a piggy;
they yelled angrily, " Go to another town, fatty! "
What was on his hot, red tongue?
The smell of Johnny Walker's whiskey?
They always saw him leaping like a frog...
when he finally got up, he looked so scary!
Who crossed Willy...driving him to drink that poison?
He cussed everyone getting a bit closer to his whiskey,
never did he mess with a chubby, bickering mommy,
who came running,...brandishing a long, black baton!
One noon there was a large rally by his door
to evict him from his bungalow...what was the reaction of Willy?
He brought out a case of expensive whiskey,
and offered them lots of drinks...they drank and felt mellow!
So they kept on drinking the hard liquor...
until it hurt their full, burping beer-bellies,
but one of them quite sober hollered with a stuttering voice,
" Get Willy, he stole all the whiskey from the Happy Hour Bar!
Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose;
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!
It wasn't fair to chase after Old Willy after
they drank his whiskey, even 'though they found out
it was stolen. They weren't a bit thankful or compassionate,
but drinking it without asking him how he got it,
made them his partners in crime!
I have a big, old froggie that lives in my ornate lily pond, so refined.
And every time I have a guest, he Farts and spurts water from his behind.
My son has named him bubbles and tells everyone, how he is so fine...
Now, you must know he’s only five with potty humor on his mind…
It started as I included my son, while finding a fountain for my pond.
But he came home and told his dad, who now also had to come along.
While I kept looking for a fountain, you know… with exquisite flair.
My son kept asking me for a special one, that farts water out his tail.
Now, as I watched my two beloved gentlemen, I knew something was afoot.
I found retreat a better thing, as I high tailed it away, with a serious hotfoot.
Sure enough, my birthday present turned out to be that froggie for my pond.
And I certainly couldn’t hurt my son’s feelings by saying no, to respond.
My hubby laughed as he pointed out a place, they had agreed it should go.
Yes, you guessed, it’s the first thing you see, that your eyes can bestow.
Perhaps my plight is really not so bad… or at least, my hubby now tells me so.
Even though the guests’ eyes grow big, and their walk becomes really slow.
As I see their looks, a better conversation piece could never have ever been.
As I gently explain my son’s love for me, is touching, don’t you think? Again.
Of course the little froggie keeps farting and wildly smiling, throughout it all.
But the smiles are never near as big, as my guests’ smiles… that suddenly grow…
As they become enchanted with the understanding of it all.
Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this,
It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss.
I went on holiday to the land of the free
Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami
Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day
Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May.
I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water,
The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter.
“Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said
So I twanged me words and it registered in his head
I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp,
The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp
After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled
I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter,
She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.”
Then said, “I think?”
I was dying to use the loo
You know a number two
So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you”
I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan
Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang
I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man.
Now let me tell you about that part of the body
I was violated; it was an act of sodomy
The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out
So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout
Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.”
Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.”
She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?”
Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me
It was a long walk back to the hotel
I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell
The heat of the sun expanded the bottle
Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle
Walking along in agonizing pain
I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne”
Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day
Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the
Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped
Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped
I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy
With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny.
next to me was my dear loving daughter
In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water…
**To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011
**Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**
God gave Moses and his brother Aaron this celestial command:
"I have selected thee to lead My people to The Promised Land!
You'll wander in the wilderness for forty years in the scorchin' sand!
I'll hold you personally responsible to see that nothin' gets outta hand!"
After many plagues, Pharoah was finally convinced to let them go.
There was much singin' and dancin' but the euphoria quickly lost its glow.
The mob grumbled about their first stop, Elim (aka Palm Springs East)!
Miffed because there was no swimmin' pool, golf course or 5-star place to feast!
They complained about bitter water at Marah so Moses struck a stone, and wallah!
A stream of sweet water flowed from the stone more than they could swallah!
They moaned and groaned because they were foot sore and had little to eat,
Complainin' to Moses that they shoulda stayed in Egypt outta the searin' heat!
Heavenly manna descended upon them and they gathered bushel baskets full.
But they tired of mannaburgers, mannastew and mannahelper findin' it rather dull.
They murmured and wanted meat so God provided flocks and flocks of quail.
Still they grumbled - too much quail a la king and at Moses they did rail!
Hapless Moses nearly threw in his staff but God said, "Keep followin' that cloud!
I'm quickly losin' patience with thee and that ungrateful, complainin' crowd!"
So Moses with resolute stride led the Israelites to the land of milk and honey,
Mumblin' to himself, "Damned if I'll do this again for any amount of money!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Drip… Drip… Drip…
Don’t let the water drip on the floor or you will
Slip… Slip… Slip…
Drip… Strip… Drip…
Don’t let the water run or someone will
Trip… Trip… Trip…
Down the interracial, middle-class block
there's a kid who talks like a mature guy...
using words only a grown-up man does,
" It's awesome to be cool! Let's have a fist fight!"
One evening, he drank from a can
he thought was a soft-drink...no, it was beer!
ah, he started laughing and throwing rocks,
infurating the lady next door who let her dog loose....
Poor kid he was chased for blocks
by a vicious poodle and as small as the dog was
he mauled the volley ball he carried.
" Get away from me, doggy! " he hollered
by kicking his his legs and calling for help.
News spread like fire and all the kids
came to see what was happening.
"Bring me my water gun, he told them...
I got to shoot him down before he bites me! "
And glancing at the agitated poodle
showing his sharp teeth, he pressed down
the trigger on his water gun saying,
" I am a cop...freeze! You going to jail! "
There was no hesitation on the dog's part,
he ran as if chasing a cat who stole his bone.
REASONS TO THROW THINGS OUT OF THE WINDOW
Window-launch in summer is best, but whatever the season,
Winter, fall, or spring, the main reason
Is because were about two hundred feet up, I reckon -
So the downflight would be several seconds
And the end would always be spectacular -
Like for a balloon filled with water.
Floating balloons without water would also be marvelous,
As would dropped ice-creams and jellos.
Cold water from a bucket would become rain-droppy,
And flower petals to cover the ground, like rose and poppy.
Out goes my parrot - it’s the highest level he’ll ever get on;
And I’ll give the neighbour’s cat a free flying lesson.
Mustn’t forget whistles, which make music on the way down,
Or rubber balls to bounce all over the ground.
But the most spectacular display of all
In the realm of window-launch free-fall
Is burning sofas, like I once saw while walking (actually, running)
Through a poorer neighbourhood in East Lansing.