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Funny Water Poems | Funny Poems About Water

These Funny Water poems are examples of Funny poems about Water. These are the best examples of Funny Water poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Rhyme | |

Modern Life

Modern Life
We are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Except Monday mornings and Sunday nights.
What are they on about, at this place that I seek
That is supposed open 24/7 days a week.

The pub is open we have an unlimited license,
Let’s have a drink before we go to bed!
I’m sorry we are closed the doors shut at eleven
That’s what the snooty landlord then said.

The helpline is here no matter when 
Give us a call and we can help you then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, the phone rings on
A tape recording says, “Sorry everyone has gone.”

My car has broken down the man came to fix it
“It doesn’t work” he said sratching his head.
“There a computer on board and I will need to record
All the things that are broken down” he said.

But I need my car; I looked at him hard, 
And he gave me a wizened up frown.
He plugged himself in, then said with a grin.
The computer says it’s fine, the engine is strong.

But the car doesn’t work you toothless little jerk, 
The computer plugged in must be wrong.
“How can it be wrong it says the engine is strong?” he gave me a shifty look
“To be honest missus if it ain’t on the pute, perhaps the answers in a book."

He could find nothing wrong, the onboard computer gave a bong,
But it still said all was okay.
The tow-truck they called out with its ramp and its chains
Now they have taken my poor car away.

Modern life is so frustrating; we have everything at our fingertips
There is 24/7 that does not mean that, and fury does exit my lips.
If its 24/7 and help lines constantly, a car that is run by computer.
Why doesn’t anything work, I feel like the jerk, can somebody lend me a shooter.

I want to blast and to break all technology of late
It’s driving me to drink and distraction
The open all hours pubs are now closed, 
And my car is still out of action.

The bank is closed, the computers just died, 
The telephones gone on the blink
The TV HD, it is fuzzy like me;
I think I’m going to put my head in the sink.

The oven would be better, but its electric not gas
So I don’t think it would work as well
I want to end it all, not practice for the day,
The Grim-Reaper points at me, and sends me to hell.

Therefore, I’ll fill up the sink and put my head in the drink, 
Oh, blast, who is that at the door?
It’s the water board here, we are just making it clear,your water is off for a week.
Typical, I have no car and it is too far
To walk out and jump in the creek.

Details | Light Poetry | |

A Weighty Problem

The little thrill as the wave’s ripple in
Making the hairs stand up, on the surface of my skin.
The kiss of the sun with its warm breath so light
As it soothes my skin with warmth and delight.
The sand rolls around where my hands touch it soft.
The water rolls back and forth carrying pebbles aloft.
Setting shells down with rolling grains of sand 
Making minute rivers run from the fingers of my hand.
The blue of the sky so pale and so pretty
On the horizon I can see the outline of the city.
Birds bob on by walking in the sand,
Not caring that I’m there lying on their land.
Curiously watching me, little eyes darting here and there
Watching for what, I don’t know or care.
A tiny emerald green beetle scuttles on past 
Taking no notice of me, but from the birds, rushes on fast.
The sun is setting; it’s time to go back
The tide has come in but it needs to get back
The coastguard come out and asks so polite
Please can you move, the tide needs to leave tonight.
You have laid there so long, blocking the way
Can you please go back - so the water can flow away?
The ships need to sail and the trawlers come in
But you are blocking the way as you are not that thin.

Details | Free verse | |

Fancy Hair

I turned on the water sprinkler under the Weeping Willow
A fine stream it did spray
The tree was lacking the nourishment that it gets from water
For it has not rained much in many days

As I was working in my kitchen and viewing the scene
Along came a male Red Cardinal
On a rose bush he did preen
Just close enough to the water to receive a fine spray

When he was water coated, he flew away
Up into the Weeping Willow and puffed his feathers out
Shook his tiny body as a dog after taking a bath
Then he sat in the Weeping Willow and rested for a spell

Before he had time to dry,  a Black Bird
Landed on a Weeping Willow limb
Just close enough to the spray to get his shower today
Very intelligent these  birds of the yard

Knowing how to refresh and clean their feathers 
Sometimes I wonder if they are not more intelligent
Than some of the humans that have big brains 
And fancy hair....

(I'll call it free verse for no other reason than I don't know where else it would fit.)

Details | Haiku | |


    -Bunny Hole- by:SKAT

hidden muddy home
dirty paws, good boy' good boy!
yummy with carrots :)


  -Unwanted Fluffiness- by:PD

Big Brown Burlap Bag
drop Bunnies down By the Bay
Better off -Blue grave


Details | Free verse | |


This morning, you ask about cures...
Cures you say?
Now what do I (*hic*!) know
oh (*hic!)no!! (*hic*)
not these (*hic*) pes(*hic*)ky 
hic(*hic)cups again (*hic*)!!

Quick! some(*hic)body
take (*hic*)me by (*hic*) surprise
don't (*hic*) tell me (*hic*) ok???

----> oh quit it!
I'll finish this one for you--
your hiccups are making me go crazy--
let's see
why don't we try the 

*don't breathe method*
Hold your breath for 30 seconds
hold it...hold exhale--
uh-oh! still there? 

*sugar method*
here put this spoonful
of sugar
let stay on your tongue
5 seconds
then drink water
uh-oh!! you let the sugar
stay longer than 5 seconds!
no dice!
uh-oh I think sugar doesn't work
but peanut butter!! or was it Nutella? or jam??

*water method #276*
how many ways can you drink water???
well apparently there's a lot
here-- drink only SEVEN gulps
while lifting your left arm
what? you feel bloated already?
well, you do what you gotta do!!
yes, you're on your 200th glass now...
aaack! still hiccuping??
how about pinching your nose this time?
yes, while drinking!!

*wet cotton method*
dip cotton ball in water
take a wee bit of it
and put on your nose
let it stay there 'till
your hiccups go away

tick tock ~lunchtime~

oh wait
I think it's supposed to be a penny!!!
and it's supposed to be on your forehead, duh!

--midnight comes--
still with the hiccups???

*toothpick method*
break this toothpick
put one half in your water glass
now drink up 
and watch that toothpick!!
what?!? you swallowed the toothpick?
hiccuping still too?

*tongue method*
stick out your tongue--
now hold it
between two fingers

what? I can't understand what 
you're saying?
still hiccuping huh?


we've gone through 100+
breathing methods
200+ water methods
and you're still

*stare-at-an-object far-far-away-method*
just keep staring
til your hiccups go away

Zzzzzzzz (3am)

haha you actually fell asleep!!
thank Goodness!! well there's your cure!
Oh (*hic*!) NOOOooooo (*hic*!)

*** Sept.11, 2010
for Deborah's Road to Wellville contest & 
ooh wee-- my 200th poem posted here ^_^!!!!

Details | Limerick | |

Some Limericks...

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!

I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!

A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic

Details | Narrative | |

How to Burn a Field

(Good Advice Spurned)

Grandmother packed a picnic lunch.
Brother, sister, and I, with two uncles
traipsed into the woods,
in search of adventure.

We found it.
We ate our picnic lunch, sitting 
on a fallen tree, spanning the creek.

We sampled “Rabbit Ice,” formed 
on weeds, hugging the stems
in smooth, thin white curls.
We drank creek water in cupped hands,
so cold, we shivered.

“Let’s build a fire,” my brother said.
Uncle Larry cautioned, “You’d better not. 
You’ll set the field on fire.”
We built the fire,
warmed our cold hands.

As the circle of fire began to spread,
we beat it with branches,
water carried from the creek in our hats. 
Undaunted, the fire ate up the dry grass,
spreading like a pond ripple
from a rock thrown in.

Uncle Larry refused to join
our efforts to ‘beat out’ the fire.
He stood, callously laughing
at our futile efforts.
The entire field burned.

We worried all afternoon.
What would Granddad say,
when he saw the black field
from the kitchen window?

Details | Epic | |

The Battle Of The Toilet Is Won

That’s it the battle is won, the toilet can fight no more
Three weeks ago the flush would overflow.
And kept leaving a puddle on the floor

I looked in the book, it said I needed a spare part 
I went to the merchant; “we have none, don’t lose heart?”
I can send you somewhere, and they do have a spare.

So I went armed with lots of new knowledge and credit card
The merchant looked at my list and gave me the part, 
I took it striaght home and started the job, it was hard
Then found the part was too short for a start.

I rang them and told what was wrong
Don’t worry come on back, 
We do have an extension pack
So I drove the ten miles still full of enthusiasm and song.

I need a spanner for this, mine does not fit
“Don’t worry we have just what you need
Some PVA tape, a washer or two
And then it won’t leak when you’ve peed.”

I turned off the water, I thought that I oughta
Everywhere went dry but the toilet.
So with some intervention, I put on the extension.
But still the floor kept getting wet.

After managing to fit a new isolator
My husband was pleased “how did you do that?”
I said it's a pipe and a nut, not an electricl generator.
It was easy, I said wearing my know- it-all hat.

I twisted and turned, and I taped every joint
I fitted the valve in the top of the cistern.
I turned the water back on and it worked a treat 
The arm moved up and down like a piston 

The water stopped when it should, and did not overflow
I was happy and yet my feet suddenly got wet
The nuts and pipes still had fight left in them
I sighed gave another turn, it was tight and difficult and yet

I stuck my head under, turned the spanner, one more turn
The book was ok, but it’s doing the job I did learn
One more turn is one turn too much.
It split the washer and pipe, I knew it was tight
When it screeched like a banshee or some such.

The water came out, but the isolator did the trick
Its a good job I had fitted it on
I gave it a turn and the water stopped in a tick
I t was then that I knew I had won
I was upset it was a bummer
But I went and got a plumber
Now I am queen of the toilet I have won.

Details | Rhyme | |

Hillbilly Handfishin'

This old way of fishin's become a new hit
Though sometimes I really don't get it
And on a scale from one to eight
How high could it possibly rate

When you use your own appendages for bait
Swimming around in muddy water while ya wait
Now that's called fishin'
With nothin' but ambition

I've been fishin' more than a time or two
Ended up with river mud on my shoe
But always from the comfort of my waffled butt
Sittin' on the milk crate from the back of my truck

Now I've caught shad and used chicken guts
Always said (come on fish) just for luck
But I've never offered them my finger bone
If that's what it takes I'll leave em' alone

I like to watch them stretch my line
And wonder if I'll get to my pole in time
But I'll tip my hat to those who dare
Both the water and maybe their blood to share

Fishermen everywhere know it's true
No matter the method the thrill captures you
Just be careful who catches who

©Donna Jones

Details | Couplet | |

Spring Rain

~~Spring Rain~~ A drought has been declared, no hose pipes can we use There has been such light rain for two years, but I think it is a ruse. The day the drought was declared the heavens opened up They have not stopped precipitating; one certainly dare not look up. The water flows as free as lager at a barbecue Constantly pouring, persisting it down, and the same problems ensue. We are drenched in all sorts as drains do rise, and rivers flood their banks But the drought warnings still apply there are supposed empty water tanks. The spring rain is falling not like tears on babies’ cheeks But pouring and pouring constantly, and has been now for weeks. Still the drought does linger but I think I know the ruse They will put the bloody price up, and watch us blow a fuse.

Details | Acrostic | |

Spaceship (acrostic with rhyme)

Spend your hard-earned cash on fuel for takeoff.
Pray that the government does not find out until gone.
Allow your free time for checking weather, not golf.
Case the local food store for dry goods you can con.
Evaluate your water supply needs, no water in cosmos.
Secure a safe place for waste, body waste floats to easy.
Have welding knowledge, so your stored rocket is close.
Internet may bring suspicion making government queasy.
Plan to go up straight in the air, horizontal rockets scare.

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Rock and the Lizard

Out in the middle of the boundless sea, As far away from land as ever it could be. An island stands alone with water all around, And the very whitest beaches that ever could be found. At the center rises a volcano that long ago is dead, And on its rim there sits a boulder as a crown for its head. The boulder was heaved up from the center of the earth, Then it landed hot and bothered on the day of its birth. But now it has cooled itself and long since settled in, Balanced on the edge of the mighty volcano’s rim. This spot pleases him and he likes the moss that grows, For he is the pinnacle of the whole world that he knows. The rock is the sole authority over all the land, Over the entire island and the grains of pure white sand. But in the ground beneath his base a lizard is at work, Digging out a place to live where danger will not lurk. A den where his family can live a happy life, Until he gets a look from his little lizard wife. “This hole that’s beneath a rock reminds me of a tomb, I think the kids are going to need a lizard rumpus room.” So they sat at the kitchen table deciding what was best, To add on to their little home by digging east or west. If they were only made aware that they shouldn’t even try, Not knowing that if they dug at all that they might surely die. Because if they dig to the east the boulder will fall into the pit, Left over from the place where once volcanic lava spit. And if they dig to the west it will also take a toll, As the ground beneath the rock will fail and it will start to roll. Down the side of the mountain until beneath the waves it dives, Its majestic face from the island the ocean water then deprives. Either way it seems that the boulder’s reign was through, Its fate was dependant on what the lizard chose to do. On a tiny island a mighty boulder dreamt he ruled, Not knowing what was at stake as a lizard couple dueled. An unknown outside force would decide for him his life, His fate was left to the wagging tongue of a nagging lizard wife. The stone that now protects them they would cause to fall, And when it does it would roll and squish and kill them all. The lizard’s wife’s rebuking taunts drove him to the brink, And he decided to go and find himself a better place to think. So he climbed out of his hole to sun himself on the boulder, And the rock called him lazy just to get him off his shoulder.

Details | Rhyme | |

The Working Week NR

Here we go round the working week
The working week
The working week
Here we go round the working week
Every boring weekday

We gossip around the water cooler
The water cooler
The water cooler
We boss he can see the staff they flee
Every boring weekday

See how we forward our funny email
Our funny email
Our funny email
The boss is here your screen is clear
Every boring weekday

Texting during a staff meeting
A staff meeting
A staff meeting
The boss is aware your phone is no where
Every boring weekday

Details | Rhyme | |


Us folks out here 'round Coalstoun Lakes we like to till the ground, 
but when it comes to water ... well .. the prospects are not sound. 
Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not, you live in hope each day, 
then hallelujah ... from nowhere ... a prophet came our way. 
"I've had a vision folks" Dean said, "brown water 'gainst a wall 
and in your district too at that, it's bound to help you all. 
A land of milk and honey folks is what you all will see 
and soon you'll live in paradise as happy as can be." 
For prophecies to come to light, you have to wait your turn, 
perhaps a year, or maybe two, that's something we would learn. 
Now folks 'round here are patient like and wouldn’t mind the wait, 
but Dean the paradise you saw was miles from here old mate. 

While heading off on tour in April, we had problems with tyres near Coalstoun Lakes, 
between Biggenden and Ban Ban Springs.  We called in at a property where we met Debbie 
Bird, who kindly let Chris stay with her while I went into Biggenden to replace the 
damaged tyres.  In December Debbie rang to say they were having a function where Dean 
Collins, who works for the Department of Natural Resources, would be present. He had 
worked in the Coalstoun Lakes area for some time apparently and had became well known 
to the locals as he pursued the idea of putting a dam in the area which would benefit 
folk on the land.  Sadly, a dam was to be built and would be named Paradise dam, but not 
anywhere near where it would help the Coalstoun Lakes folk.  Debbie asked me if I'd pen a 
few lines to use on the night, as a bit of a send up.     

Details | Free verse | |

Shaking The Lily Pad

I have a big, old froggie that lives in my ornate lily pond, so refined.
And every time I have a guest, he Farts and spurts water from his behind.
My son has named him bubbles and tells everyone, how he is so fine...
Now, you must know he’s only five with potty humor on his mind…

It started as I included my son, while finding a fountain for my pond.
But he came home and told his dad, who now also had to come along. 
While I kept looking for a fountain, you know… with exquisite flair.
My son kept asking me for a special one, that farts water out his tail.

Now, as I watched my two beloved gentlemen, I knew something was afoot.
I found retreat a better thing, as I high tailed it away, with a serious hotfoot.
Sure enough, my birthday present turned out to be that froggie for my pond.
And I certainly couldn’t hurt my son’s feelings by saying no, to respond.

My hubby laughed as he pointed out a place, they had agreed it should go.
Yes, you guessed, it’s the first thing you see, that your eyes can bestow.
Perhaps my plight is really not so bad… or at least, my hubby now tells me so.
Even though the guests’ eyes grow big, and their walk becomes really slow.

As I see their looks, a better conversation piece could never have ever been.
As I gently explain my son’s love for me, is touching, don’t you think? Again.
Of course the little froggie keeps farting and wildly smiling, throughout it all.
But the smiles are never near as big, as my guests’ smiles… that suddenly grow…

As they become enchanted with the understanding of it all.

Details | Rhyme | |


Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose; 
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!

All the boys of Tumbleweed scampered like chased mice
as they saw his bulgy belly hanging from his trousers... 
ah, his bad breath had the stench of a piggy; 
they yelled angrily, " Go to another town, fatty! "

What was on his hot, red tongue?
The smell of Johnny Walker's whiskey?
They always saw him leaping like a frog...
when he finally got up, he looked so scary!   

Who crossed Willy...driving him to drink that poison?
He cussed everyone getting a bit closer to his whiskey,
never did he mess with a chubby, bickering mommy,
who came running,...brandishing a long, black baton! 

One noon there was a large rally by his door
to evict him from his bungalow...what was the reaction of Willy?
He brought out a case of expensive whiskey,
and offered them lots of drinks...they drank and felt mellow! 

So they kept on drinking the hard liquor...
until it hurt their full, burping beer-bellies,
but one of them quite sober hollered with a stuttering voice,
" Get Willy, he stole all the whiskey from the Happy Hour Bar!

Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose;
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!

My comment:

It wasn't fair to chase after Old Willy after 
they drank his whiskey, even 'though they found out
it was stolen. They weren't a bit thankful or compassionate,
but drinking it without asking him how he got it,
made them his partners in crime!

Details | Rhyme | |

Mannaburgers And Quail A La King

God gave Moses and his brother Aaron this celestial command:
"I have selected thee to lead My people to The Promised Land!
You'll wander in the wilderness for forty years in the scorchin' sand!
I'll hold you personally responsible to see that nothin' gets outta hand!"

After many plagues, Pharoah was finally convinced to let them go.
There was much singin' and dancin' but the euphoria quickly lost its glow.
The mob grumbled about their first stop, Elim (aka Palm Springs East)!
Miffed because there was no swimmin' pool, golf course or 5-star place to feast!

They complained about bitter water at Marah so Moses struck a stone, and wallah!
A stream of sweet water flowed from the stone more than they could swallah!
They moaned and groaned because they were foot sore and had little to eat,
Complainin' to Moses that they shoulda stayed in Egypt outta the searin' heat!

Heavenly manna descended upon them and they gathered bushel baskets full.
But they tired of mannaburgers, mannastew and mannahelper findin' it rather dull.
They murmured and wanted meat so God provided flocks and flocks of quail.
Still they grumbled - too much quail a la king and at Moses they did rail!

Hapless Moses nearly threw in his staff but God said, "Keep followin' that cloud!
I'm quickly losin' patience with thee and that ungrateful, complainin' crowd!"
So Moses with resolute stride led the Israelites to the land of milk and honey,
Mumblin' to himself, "Damned if I'll do this again for any amount of money!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Details | Haiku | |

Slippery Floor Oo

Drip… Drip… Drip… Don’t let the water drip on the floor or you will Slip… Slip… Slip… Drip… Strip… Drip… Don’t let the water run or someone will Trip… Trip… Trip…

Details | Burlesque | |


Down the interracial, middle-class block
there's a kid who talks like a mature guy...
using words only a grown-up man does,
" It's awesome to be cool! Let's have a fist fight!"
One evening, he drank from a can 
he thought was a, it was beer!
ah, he started laughing and throwing rocks,
infurating the lady next door who let her dog loose....
Poor kid he was chased for blocks
by a vicious poodle and as small as the dog was 
he mauled the volley ball he carried.
" Get away from me, doggy! " he hollered
by kicking his his legs and calling for help.
News spread like fire and all the kids
came to see what was happening.
"Bring me my water gun, he told them...
I got to shoot him down before he bites me! " 
And glancing at the agitated poodle 
showing his sharp teeth, he pressed down
the trigger on his water gun saying, 
" I am a cop...freeze! You going to jail! "
There was no hesitation on the dog's part,
he ran as if chasing a cat who stole his bone. 

Details | Couplet | |



Window-launch in summer is best, but whatever the season,
Winter, fall, or spring,   the main reason 
Is because were about two hundred feet up,  I reckon - 
So  the downflight would be several seconds 
And the end would always be spectacular  -
Like for a balloon filled with water.
Floating balloons without water would also be marvelous,
As would  dropped ice-creams and jellos.
Cold water from a bucket would become rain-droppy,
And flower petals to cover the ground, like rose and poppy.
Out goes my parrot -  it’s the highest level he’ll ever get on;
And I’ll give the neighbour’s cat a free flying lesson.
Mustn’t forget whistles, which make music on the way down, 
Or  rubber balls to bounce all over the ground.

But the most spectacular display of all
In the realm of window-launch  free-fall
Is burning sofas, like I once saw while walking (actually, running)
Through  a poorer  neighbourhood in East Lansing.

Details | I do not know? | |


1234 CLUCK. Decisive time for sea monsters on a cruise to seventh bay. No ... NO..... towering underlay on carpets. It might sink the cabbage leaf, and pickles cant float in water so you cannot ski in a pan. 
Take care in harbours as jester fish can pull with several hands. It is wise to be aware of globs of mucus omiting from tall buildings containiing dark energies. 
Oh how wonderful to taste the tempting laughing soup. 
It takes great effort to boIL, a small egg. 
And would you bathE in bean? IF so look out for curd and plankton. Dive to the nine quarters of the tramping water to alleviate mind mould and re ignite the forces  of a rested snail

Details | Free verse | |


(Part 1: The South African detective)

The search, I must warn you,
Was led by a Zulu,
A shaman and officer,
‘The pride of Maputo’

Called Mr. Malungo,
They say, ‘a witch he once wed’,
And that he tricked her, just to keep,
The little hili that she fed...

(But the truth, is much stranger,
 for you see, that ‘hili’ was his son,
 and his wife, well, she just left him...
 a bit of muti and a gun) 

And as for ’ubuntu’,
Well, he had it all wrong,
For that term, in izulu, 
Doesn’t mean:’**** you, I’m the one’,

   And so the water mouse,
   Swam against; the trusting current’s dead,
   The foamy figures that beamed below,
   Water mountain stead,
   His little head catching sunlight,
   Dots the liquids edge,
   And as a late, blooming flower,
   Sprouts amongst the round pooling red,

5 divers and 12 gunmen,
Now arranged in Malungo’s shed,
Whispering amongst themselves,
About, the bricks beneath his bed...

Summoned by the State,
To arrest a very sinister louse,
The famed and even ‘imagined’?
...Deadly, ‘Water Mouse’.
Heard of by many,
Seen by so few,
20 dead and counting,
To continue...

PS: Some South African concepts.

“Tsotsi”: means “criminal”
“Hili”: means “demon” (regarded as a sex demon who hides beneath beds that are 
not on bricks and whom grants wishes if caught)
“Ubuntu”: common word in South Africa that means “we are all one”

Details | Couplet | |

Fire Ants!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  All over my yard!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Why do you try so hard?

There are little hills of demons all over my land
Filled with the little critters that I just can’t stand!
The sting and they bite and leave scars on me.
The have even killed my very favorite tree!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  Are making me so mad!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Where’s that can of diesel I had?

I will be diggin’ in a flower bed when suddenly
Those darn fire ants are swarming all over me!
I run to turn on the water and grab the water hose
So I can wash away the fire burning under my clothes!
Fire ants! Fire ants! Taking over Texas!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Meaner than my exes!

One of these days, I will manage to eradicatecate
Just as soon as someone improved fire ant bait
My land will then have a fire ant sign
Saying stay off of my property, it is mine!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  Making evil mounds!
Fire ants! Fire ants!   If you got ‘em, trouble abounds! 

Details | Narrative | |

Don't Go Near The River

Don’t go near the river a tree has fallen down
The flow is blocked and it caused a dam if you fall in you could drown
But to us children this an invitation was
A big happening in our lives we had to see the cause
Of course we would not climb down to the tree
From high upon the bank we would satisfy our curiosity

Down Milfort Avenue we all trouped 
The excitement mounting with-in our group
The boys were there first of course
Down at the roots torn from the ground with such force
You girls they shouted stay away it was their find
Just go home play with your dolls and leave our tree behind
Well did you ever hear such rot 
We will soon show that lot

Mother’s warning soon forgot down we went to the spot
Those roots from up high did not seem so tall
But now down beside them we were made to feel small
Like gaint arms they were all slimy and wet
But we girls would conquer this climb you bet 
I never was brave and from the start
My legs were shaking and in my heart
I knew I should back down and risk being the fool
But pride would not let me so I tried to act cool

The others had climbed over and to the far side had gone
Knowing I was frightened they egged me on
Up I went onto that tree trunk
Looking down to the river below my heart sunk
What would I do if I fell in I had never learned to swim
Well it happened and into water I fell for my sins
Plunged to the bottom then up I floated gasping for air 
Again the depths called the water my death would share
With bravery someone dived in to save me from my watery grave
Trailed to the bank and with the water pumped out my life was saved

A neighbor heard the commotion and running came
Then into her house to recover my legs some strength to gain
For the walk back home to face Mum my misbehavior to declare
I really was a sorry sight but I did not care
Jumper and tartan skirt soggy the red dye running down my thighs
Perhaps she would think it was blood I had better start to cry

Water filled the fur lined leather boots which slopped and weighed a ton
My dad had worked for hours to pay for them and look what had I done
So sorry I was for myself but punishment I had to accept 
My friends there with me for support they stayed and yet
When Mum’s face through that front door appeared
They drifted away the blame they feared
In I was hauled and asked to explain
Why I had ignored her orders given so plain

Details | Rhyme | |

None of That City Water for Them

None of that City Water for Them

By Elton Camp

We have friends who tap water won’t drink
They complain about both its taste and stink

Instead of using the public water supply
To get it from a spring or well they try

The spring on the edge of town many thrill
They don’t see the septic tanks on the hill

Some spend to have their own well drilled
From it, keep their drinking vessels filled

But it hasn’t been treated with chlorine
The danger of that they haven’t yet seen

The neighbor’s hog pen they don’t see
Nor when his sons go outside to pee

Now I prefer what comes out of the pipe
For I have found no reason at all to gripe

Details | Rhyme | |

My Winter

So many people rave on about summer
To me this couldn’t be dumber
Winter is the time for me
A time where I feel truly comfortable and free

Winter is great sleeping weather
Either alone or embracing together
There is no season that is better
Some like it dry I like it wetter

My troubles get washed away with the rain
Swept away like the winter leaves down the drain
A time where I feel less pain
A time where I feel slightly less insane

With considerable rain comes a departure of the water restriction
One can bathe without fear of conviction 
In summer people smell and sweat
Less likely in winter because it’s cold and wet

Winter starts on the 1st of June
With the darker winter nights comes a brighter moon
The sounds of the rain and wind at night
The pound of thunder accompanied by sparks of light

When it’s cold you can put on a beanie or an extra top
If it’s hot there are only so many layers you can strip before you must stop
Winter is a time for rain, hail and snow
A time when the weeds slowly grow

In winter there are less flies, rodents and ants
In winter I can feel comfortable wearing pants
In winter termites are less active or even dormant
Good for us but for them a bad predicament

Winter is a great time for a hot drink
And an excellent time to head to the ice rink
In winter you can hug without feeling sticky
Being intimate when it is hot can be quite tricky

A drink stays cold so you don’t need to add ice
In winter you can have a hot curry with rice
In winter football is played
Birds migrate and eggs are laid

You lay beside a warm fire
And drink red wine or whatever you desire
There’s nothing finer than a warm home cooked dinner
In winter you are less concerned about being thinner

You may get a little cough or sneeze
And you may see images like these
Children playing in a puddle
A loving couple having a cuddle

Winter colours can be dark but also bright
Like when water turns to snow it appears white
The sparkling of stars at night
The fallen leaves with the wind in flight

Winter is most definitely the best of the four seasons
This has been proven with so many reasons

Details | Cowboy | |

Robbery at Dry Gulch

the cactus stood in surprise
with his arms to the sky
while the sun took his water not his life
sun told the prairie dogs
this is a hold up!
get in yo holes!
nosy rodents get shot  with heatstrokes
little ms vegetation
close yo eyes and you won't die
dry desert!, run them
permanent bodies of water out of town!
create a dust storm!
sheriff ain't around!
he and his posse clouds are stormin
on the other side of them mountains
cactus!, you tell sheriff rainfall
he is yella!, and to erratic!
we don't see , violent stormy weather , in these parts
ya'll remember
that tomorrow
is another dry gulch day

Details | I do not know? | |

My Tan Secret Is Wood Stain

People are constantly asking me the secret to my tan
I laugh and reply I get it from a can
I tell them they can achieve the perfect tan too
They guess it's probably the summers over the years with the highway crew
The human skin is smooth, it has no grains
The secret to my tan is wood stain
They watch as the water just repels off my back
I've tried them all, the best is Minwax
They look at my teeth and ask if I use it on my grill
I quickly reply, you need to add some Thomson's Water Seal
The label warns prolonged exposure may cause skin cancer
I firmly believe since I'm not a lab rat, wood stain tans are the answer
Even beach goers are jealous of my skin tone
I'm a Daywalker but darker than a Redbone
I should have never coated my face, now I feel it is affecting my brain
Now I am bathing in Murphy's Oil Soap to preserve the tan from the wood stain

Details | I do not know? | |

Bath Time

Running water in the tub
is how my bath begins.
Mommy adds some bubble bath,
then I toss in all my friends.

Next I shed my onsie
and then my diaper goes.
I jump in - making a splash,
getting water all up my nose!

I pretend that I'm swimming,
way out in the sea.
And while I'm playing make believe,
all my tub friends swim with me.

Bath time is my favorite time
and boy do I have fun!
When Mommy comes to get me out,
I start crying cause I'm not done!

Details | Free verse | |

The Way Susie Mae Used to Talk

Why dat gull crynin'?!  Hollin' like dat?!
She bleed'n uh som'in?!  No?!
Maybe she need soma' dat pank stuff, den?
You know!  Dat stuff!  Dat uhhh...   Dat uhhh...
Dat Bismorex!!  Yeah.  Dat Bismorex.  Hmmph!
Well, den, maybe huh flioncee left huh.
He pro'bly took dat rang back.  Heh, Heh.
You know him.  You know huh, too.
That ol' low down strumpet!
She be sleepin' wit ev'ry Tom, _ick and Harry in town.
Don't she?  Don't she?!  Don't she?!!
Fool, you know dat's right!
So sank me in Hell!  Shoot!
She sleep wit anythang that'll walk!
I'd leava' too.  Show would!  I wouldn't stay...
Well, den, if dat ain't it, I don't know what it is!
But I still wunda' wut dat gull crynin 'bout!
What?!  She jus' fakin' it again?!  Heh, heh, heh.
Child!  Dat's yo water dat's deep.
Heh, heh, heh.  Dat's yo water dat's deep.

My mother told me this story.