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Funny Stress Poems | Funny Poems About Stress

These Funny Stress poems are examples of Funny poems about Stress. These are the best examples of Funny Stress poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | ABC | |

Idiots like you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Idiots like you,
belong in a school'
Don't get upset,
I went there too,
I passed all my classes,
cuz I was smarter than you,
But hey don't you worry'
You wont be one for long'
Just pass all your classes,
Go on what you waiting for,
an invitation?
No I don't think so 
go right now.


Details | Heroic Couplets | |

An Old "Happy" Couple

Cherish me as I grow old, and am surely liable to forget things. 
 I know how interesting life is and the contentment it brings.
I know you'll make excuses to try and be miserable and even try not to go.
 Now just have a good trip, even though I know your stress will just grow.

White, sandy beaches and salt tasted air, with an ocean so cold.
 Aggravation sets in as we try to put our lawn chairs down to unfold.
Breathe, my love, its as simple as remembering the latch on the side.
 Surely, all you had to do is ask, I'm tired of your old, stubborn pride.

Finally, we get our chairs situated and I'm ready to bask in the sun.
 You ask for sun block and as I search, you assume I brought none.
Its just at the bottom of the beach bag, you stubborn old ass!
 And don't think I don't see you sneaking a sip out of that flask!

I turn bronze as I used SPF 40, you chose SPF 15, and look at you.
 Red as a lobster, mean as crab, and I'm enjoying the view.
I tried to tell you, but so stubborn, do you ever plan to listen?
 Probably not now, nor never, so your skin will always be red and glisten.

How are you supposed to relax now that you can't move not even a limb?
 Our stress free vacation, is as always, starting to look grim.
Oh well, aloe you up, and off to dinner we shall go and have some fun.
 Take some Soma, Lortab, and Xanax and you'll be good and numb.

An hour later and you're stress free, and mostly out of that pain.
 Good thing, because its in the forecast for Florida rain!
We'll hobble around the block and get soaking wet from head to toe.
 Knowing tomorrow you'll be back in pain and stressed so we'll have to go.

But its like this every year, we plan to stay, but I know how you are.
 One or two days of driving makes you stiff from sitting in the car.
It'll take the rest of our vacation for you to blister and finally peel.
 You're the entertainment in my life, and that's why I'm with you still!


Details | Free verse | |

Bladder Problems in Class

Numbers on 
White board…names written hori-
zontally

Students ask
To go pee…right when class starts – 
THAT’S just wrong…

Bathroom line
Of students who have bladder
Problems – WOW!

People are
Not using lunchtime to do 
Their business 

No one knows
When to do their duties – SER-
IOUSLY?


Details | Free verse | |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around
I call it: THE BOREDOM DISEASE

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 


Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos would be too small, 
They would cramp your balls.
You’ll get migraine headaches.”


Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?


Details | Free verse | |

Conspiracy: Who Killed The Easter Bunny

A crowded table, all suspended in shock 
The sound of the shot dimming to a ‘knock’
Only silence, except for the marching clock
The weapon still smoking; an anonymous glock
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Loud cries arise from the elongated table,
Jack Frost is shocked, the Tooth Fairy unable
To speak whilst Santa is checking the stable
For clues on the erstwhile maidservant Mable
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

They searched for hours, called in C.S.I,
Panic set in, would the children all cry?
Sandman confirmed the bunny had died
Batman suspected somebody had lied
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Guests were quizzed, interrogations began
The mystery unfolded when Santa Claus ran,
Grabbing the pies, he tried escaping in a van
But was stopped in his tracks by superman
SANTA KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY!


Details | Ballad | |

Pan and Satan

Pan and Satan.

One morning I was walking in my garden
When old Jupiter came up close to me.
And standing by his side stood fair Demeter
Who smiled at me so warm and tenderly.
She said “my son we’ve come to give our blessings
And we’ve a story we would like to tell.
Of how the great God Pan turned into Satan
And child I hope that you will listen well.

For Pan he was the god of natures beauty
And he wore no taint till Satan came along.
He’d play his pipes so gaily in the meadows
Though sometimes there was mischief in his song.

Then Satan said to pan “well I don’t give a damn
I’m going to steal your horns and make you me.
Then I’ll build a master plan and strike some fear in man
So always he will live in misery.
And that’s the way old Pan became young Satan
Yet still the old one dances deep within.
But if the two had never joined together
Then where would dwell the ugliness of sin.

1990


Details | Haiku | |

ZOOKEEPER

Lookin' after pests
Keepin' a CLOSE eye on 'em
"Those wild animals!"

Roamin' around zoo
Searchin' for sneaky monkey
Hidin' in a tree

Zookeeper gets mad
"Where's Marty, the smartypants!?"
"He TOOK my cage keys!"


Details | Light Poetry | |

Do Not Interrupt

There are times, doing something, you think is good, can simply back fire, on you.
And I took Dragon to watch a movie of The Grand Canyon, yes, flying thru.
Just to be safe, we sat in the back, you know, way up, in the nosebleed, high!
And it became such a thrilling ride, such scenery, constantly passing you by.

You could almost reach out to touch the views, mouth watering photographic art.
But Dragon started to tap his feet, as his hands flew up, to cover his beating heart.
I’ve never seen him, so excited, over anything, EVER, in all, of his life, so bold.
Now I began to worry, as I noticed his wings began to twitch and want to unfold.

I gently put my hand over his, as I gently tried to calm him, with words, to interrupt..
He wouldn’t turn away from the screen, as ‘Do Not Interrupt!’ Did soundly erupt.
I recognized that comment, I’d used it a time or two, on him, now on myself, recast.
Now, here came my comeuppance, I did realize, for I was getting nowhere, fast!

Next, I rubbed his back shoulder muscles gently, to soothe the twitching, that arose.
You know, the ones that allow him the power, to take off and fly, yea, you got it, those!
Now this was not going to end well, from my point of view, as he shrugged off my touch.
At least, a beautiful sunset began slowly falling, near the end of the movie, as such.

By this time, I was, totally, trying to shake him out of his mesmerizingly total trance.
All we had to do, was last a few more minutes, but now he was beginning, to prance!
He was SO impassioned that he wouldn’t let me interrupt. I began to panic, oh, so well.
For the life of me! I couldn’t see any way, to break the movies, very, rapturous spell.

All I could begin to see; was that this was not going to end so very well, gently put!
So I begged him, to not try, to do… what he wanted to do! As I stomped on his foot!
In the end, all I did was piss him off, as the soared off, so impassionedly, into the view!
Well darn! That hadn’t worked out well! I sighed! As I watched the inevitable, come to!

Naturally I was there for him, when he hit the IMAX screen. With a sudden Kersplat!
After all, what are families for, but to be there, when we do stupid things, like that!
And we all do, something, so strange and crazy… in our illustrious lives, somewhere.
Naturally we were banned from the IMAX! And the screen would need extensive repair.

A vet came for Dragon, as newspapermen with questions, did show up, Oh Drat! 
As I talked to the vet!  What did I say, to them? Ha! You guessed it! ’Don’t interrupt!’
Needless to say they weren’t happy and the 5 o’clock news was my wall. Kersplat!


Details | Narrative | |

I Accepted the Potato Salad Because You Were Serving It

Yes, the time had allowed another opportunity to be near you,
Though well heaven knows whenever you are near my fear crunches my breath,
Leaving me starving for you, and wanting nothing more than to flee…

I stood in line, mainly because my family was there…
God knows I was not hungry at all…
Which is odd—I’m usually always hungry when I come to food gatherings
But there I was, my stomach swirling, and I looked out of the window,
And I saw you with the others, serving the food

My first thought was, great, here’s an opportunity,
And then the fear came—oh boy, what are you serving?
Are you serving something I like? 
Something I hate? 
So I closed my eyes and opened them again…
And I looked at what you were serving…
It was either macaroni salad, or potato salad; wasn’t quite sure at the time
I was more intrigued by how you presented yourself,
So friendly…so easy-going….so very natural and engaging

Damnit! The line is moving fast! 

I cringed at the thought of approaching you,
Even when I was following all the others;
And I knew you couldn’t be left insinuating-
Oh, that girl’s kinda weird and creepy…
I guess you’d only think that if I went to the table for the third time or something- 
But still, I was shaking with stupid thoughts

There was a problem though…
I do like macaroni salad… well, a little bit--I've never loved it
And I’m rather sick of potato salad frankly…
So if I refused the food, would you think it’s just another way to avoid contact?
Or will I give eye contact and smile at you, and say “no thank you”?
As I got closer, it was apparent it was potato salad…
And I begin to think
Well! Potato salad…it’s not that bad…let’s play it safe, shall we? Let’s get a little bit.

And before I knew it, I was where all the food was
You were talking speedily, happily with the others
About just everything it seemed… my ears heard blurs at this point
A lady offered me salad – I accepted the bowl and slowly put dressing on and looked up
And you smiled at me and said,
“Best potato salad in the world, right here.”
And I can’t remember if I smiled, 
But I most certainly lifted that stupid plate…
The lady next to you said, 
“and there’s another kind right beside it!”
I said quickly, “I think I’ll pass…” 
What she didn’t know was that I was trying to get the hell away before I vomited on everything and everyone...

I wasn’t hungry at all…
But one thing was certain…

I accepted the potato salad because you were serving it! 
And I ate it too… 
It wasn’t bad…in fact I could say pretty easily,
It was the best potato salad in the world

Right here….

You were… were….. right there.


Details | Verse | |

Inevitable Bear

Oh lonely Inevitable Bear,
Padding claws, death in white
Sorrow in recurring nightmare
Instinct’s test; fight or flight?

Camouflage against the fence,
A challenge; my subconscious fear
Ominous slowly moving silence,
“Let me in, there’s a bear out here!”


Details | Alliteration | |

Salvation for a Stranger

The streets are busy with silence,
And Sammy is in his own little world,
Focused on his own private route.
His own secret place,
Private, it’s a funny word,
A funny word just like, secret,
Sometimes we fail to realize how we carelessly carry our secrets on our sleeve.
Sammy wants his feelings, emotions, his life to be hidden away,
Still, in the silence of the streets, 
I see the sadness and stress all over his stance.

The shops are packed with stillness,
And Sammy is doing his job, keeping stands tidy, 
Keeping customers happy,
Making his manager proud,
Happy, it’s a strange word,
A strange word just like proud,
Feelings for ourselves that we sacrifice for the satisfaction of strangers.
Sammy thrives on the temporary moods of others to determine his contentment,
Yet, in the stillness of the shops and the silence of the streets, 
I see the sadness and the stress all over his stance, 
In each fragment of his face.

Between the shops and the streets, 
Sammy finds a place that he can refer to as home,
But in the silence and the stillness of his slow beating heart,
He understands that something greater than his being is missing.
And Sammy needs a friend, a friend to show him the truth.
A friend to show him that in the stillness of the shops and the silence of the streets, 
He carries sadness and stress all over his stance, 
In each fragment of his face, and in each shy shift of each shoulder,
For one reason, and one reason alone. 
He’s missing one more word oozing sibilance, 
The one word that completes, this poem and will fulfill his life.

Salvation.


Details | Limerick | |

Charge It

I only just begun to charge
Impulsive buys are way too large
My credit card sighs
While bankbook cries
My pay cheque I need to enlarge


*So many things to buy since I bought a house, but I really am a wise shopper : )


Details | Quatrain | |

New Handcuffs

New Handcuffs
We had taken our boys out to a theme park one day
They could run around wild and burn some energy away
On the return trip from the gift shop they did ask to buy
A plastic sword, a shied and a pair of toy handcuffs, I didn’t ask why.

Two days later they asked if their friend could come to play
“Of course not a problem” is what I did tell them that day.
Within few minute they came to find me, they were crying
Their friend was in the handcuffs, they can’t release him although trying.

Each turn of the key to unlock the offending restraints
Instead of unlocking them it tightened them, to his little complaints
I put all three boys in the car and drove to the local fire station
To find it was a part -time one, it was a deserted location.

A cleaner I spied working hard, so I did ask help from him
"Go to the police station" he said, giving me a wink and a grin.
A bit strange I thought but only for a little while
I had to free this child, so I said “goodbye” with a smile.

This young boy now with tears in his eyes 
Looking so lost and afraid, which is no surprise
Into the Police station I walked feeling really bold
"Can you please free this child? You have cutters I am told."

A big burly officer looked, and then he walked up to me
Took one look at the child and said sarcastically
“We will fetch a female officer to sit with the boys
“While you come with me, and explain a child, in sex toys…”

“What on earth are you babbling about my good man?
Just unlock and free that child as fast as you can”
“I’m sorry madam” said he “but there’s questions to ask”
“Why did you lock a child in handcuffs? What was to be your task?”

“My good man what are you suggesting, that I locked him in?”
“Don’t be absurd are you stupid?” He just gave me a grin
Another officer entered with three pairs of bolt cutters so big
The poor child nearly fainted, he had little arms like a twig.

I asked them not to scare him, he was only a boy
They told me they still needed to know about the sex toy
On freeing the child they took the three boys away 
They asked them who had locked him up, and was it in play.

My then ten year old son admitted he had done the deed
He didn’t think it was wrong, he thought he could be freed.
Finally satisfied enough, they let me leave with the boys
With a tap on the shoulder the policeman urged me to buy
                                                             ‘padded sex toys.’

© ~GG~ 5/12/2012

An oh so true story lol


Details | Free verse | |

Reflections: Intellectualism

To Dine, To Die;
Conversations spiral
While thunderous eyes
Grasp concepts to recycle.

Constant debt crisis
A political paradox
Grating social devices
Over the sorting of socks.

Pseudo-analysis
An endless groan
Argumental paralysis
The debate grants no throne.

Existentialism
Over a roast
Potatoes won't listen
To who talks the most.

"That point is so interesting"
The floor is open for chat
"What is real?" not a thing
"Meow" adds the cat.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Along came a Spider

An evil spider dropped down from behind. Help me! Help Me! She cried!
Oh white Knight… Can you save me? I’m on my tuffet trying to make a rip tide.
Where is he? Where is he? I can’t see it! He’s behind me, she cried!
The great white knight dropped every thing, to save his damsel in distress!
I can’t see it… I can’t see it… Save my bacon please…
If I try to move away from my white porcelain tuffet… he will surly get me!
A fierce battle ensued, as the knight grabbed his toilet paper sword.
Move away you snarly fiend, he roared!
Back and forth… Back and forth… They battled on endlessly.
She is mine, said the knight… No! She is mine said the spider, repeatedly
Finally, the white knight ruled supreme, with a final thrust of his paper sword! 
The white knight vanquished the evil spider, as he jumped upon the floor!
Now, you are safe my fair damsel, he decried, to continue your porcelain quest.
Then the White knight gathered his belongings and scampered away, doing his best.
With a ‘No need to get up miss’, she continued on her quest.
A blue haze eventually drifted in, as her thanks rang out, and she did attest. 
He had truly been her hero, of the great conquest…

Dated 6-8-2013


Details | Sonnet | |

The Broken Girl-not me

Is my life not tortured enough for you to see? 
I am broken as can be. 
My heart is torn. 
My tears stain these perfect floors.  
Why are singing with glee? 
Why do you not care about my every plea? 
I am trapped in your arms. 
I am the hopeless moth. 
How did you pick me? 
What is it that you see? 
A girl untouched by life? 
A flower blooming in the desert? 
I have said goodbye to my loving integrity.  
You took that from me through R-A-P-E.


Details | I do not know? | |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!


Details | Verse | |

Le Vacance Pretentieuse: Baggage Claim

Drained to my very heart by our slow-paced arrival, 
          I wander through tasteless decor to the metal arches 
                                                Beyond which a future is unfurled.
My bag’s innards are spilled like blood in the Bible
          Before the cold gaze of the armed man who marches;
                                                He holds the key to this new world.

The mechanistic arch stands and takes quasi-sentience 
          Beside passport control, piercing my finely popped 
                                                Eardrums with sonic solemnity.
I am refused by technology but stagger forward hence 
          Into baggage claim where a suitcase pile is propped 
                                                Up like a holiday Tetris calamity.

My suitcase is soul black and with difficulty is found,
          In its lucid eagerness to fasten itself a faux family;
			   Airports are filled with pretences.
Now we are away again, small trolley safe and sound,
          On the road from snow, heat is where I plan to be.
                                                Our intrepid journey commences...


Details | Light Poetry | |

Retail Therapy Please


There's a dinging in the kitchen,
There's a ringing in my head,
Someone's singing in my closet,
But, I fear the tenor's dead.

There's a clatter in my cupboard,
There's a matter unresolved,
There's a tiny pitter patter
Which is screaming up my hall.

There's a titillating teeter—totter
Slamming up and down.
And the bumpiness alone,
Just slid my grin into a frown.

Someone call the proper people,
Shut the silence off and then
Call the plumber, what a bummer,
I am dripping wet again.

All this screaming and complexity.
This damned insipid stain,
Is  deplorable, abhor able
And driving me insane.

And the sum of all this madness
Has my tongue and guts in knots.
So you do all the talking...

Because I forgot the plot.



Details | Rhyme | |

Looking Like A Poet

Today's a big day
for this poet you see
For I'm having a photo 
Taken of me
It's the one they're will print
On the back of my book
So I'm trying real hard
To get the right look

With my beard fully grown
And my hair flying wild
I practiced some gestures
Poses and smiles
I tried all my poses 
Both standing and sitting
With an arm on my desk
Leaning forward, seemed fitting

But the beard made me look
like a Captain at sea
So I whipped out my razor
And sculpted a Tee
Some horned rimmed glass
To add to the look
And tried different ways 
Of holding a book 

I found a tweed jacket 
Down at the thrift 
With my writer's expression
It made me look miffed
Perhaps an old pipe
That I found in my coffer
To distinguish me from
Most, all other authors 

The photographer said
"Don't worry, I'll crop
I'll use the new version"
Of my Photo Shop
As I peered in a mirror
I felt kind-a lame
So I used a stock picture
that came with the frame