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Funny Name Poems | Funny Poems About Name

These Funny Name poems are examples of Funny poems about Name. These are the best examples of Funny Name poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | I do not know? | |

The Heart Carved On The Tree

There was a lady that I once knew
She met her love she felt was true
He carved their initials into a tree
As she leaned closely on his knee

Trouble in paradise soon they learned
When her initials he wanted to burn
Her middle name he did not know
Until on the tree he wanted to show

Her initials spelled a body part you see 
For her name was Linda Elaine Greene
When he burned it into the tree
He was concerned exactly what would be

When also carved his name into the tree
His name spelled a body also you see
For his name was Armond Raymond Moran
Now what was seen Leg Loves Arm so he ran


Details | Verse | |

Ding Dong The Wicked Witch is Dead

Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Thatcher’s dead.

Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Thatcher’s dead.

Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Thatcher’s dead.

Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
Thatcher’s dead.


Details | Free verse | |

Bladder Problems in Class

Numbers on 
White board…names written hori-
zontally

Students ask
To go pee…right when class starts – 
THAT’S just wrong…

Bathroom line
Of students who have bladder
Problems – WOW!

People are
Not using lunchtime to do 
Their business 

No one knows
When to do their duties – SER-
IOUSLY?


Details | Ballad | |

Haggis and Drinks Mi Luve (Mythology)

Let’s hve haggis and drinks mi luve
Find de bes ina de ole land 
Lay yu head on mi chest mi luve
Whilst wi dance musik wid de band

Dance wid de band in de Highlands
Backyard jig good fer de ole soul
Tickle mi nose with yu gold locks
Tigether wi bade ead to toe’s sole

Call Fionn mi Luve with his jug
Nice poems he read at de gate
Summon the Clooties with a mug
Aye, they will cum and bles dis date

We’ll sail de river on Loch Ness
Kelpies will protect our flanks
Goddess Scotia says we bless
Oh mi chamin' sweet Sidhe, tanks

Aye! Mi sweet luve; Boobrie will fly
He will fetch up the Salmon Ring
And a knot cross de land we tye
Red Caps our guard til cum de spring

Then wid haggis and drinks mi luve
Goddesses'pipes blow dem great songs
In the grey mist we skip and dance
Then like Boobrie we fly with doves

Scottish Mythical Legends:

1. Fionn is a Scottish magician, warrior and poet
2. Clootie is a Scottish name for the devil.  The name originated from the word cloot, which  
    mean a division in the cleft hoof of an animal.
3. Kelpie is a Scottish water devil who lurks in lakes and rivers and drowns its victims.
4. Scotia is a goddess normally portrayed as an old hag with the tusks of a wild boar
5. Sidhe (Shee) is the Gaelic name for fairies in the Highlands of Scotland and also Ireland. 
6. Boodrie is a wonderful water-bird from the Highlands.  It haunts and protects the lakes  
    and wells.
7. Red Cap is a sort of short, stocky old guy with long gray hair and claws instead of hands 
    and fingers. He lives on the Scottish border and guard the ancient ruins of castles





Details | Limerick | |

What Is In A Name

There once was a man with the last name Butts  
He really must have been nuts
When a son he did sire
This name he did conspire
Seymore was the name a decisive cut

Not an original idea...


Details | Free verse | |

The Egg Eaters Hallow

HE WEARS A COAT OF ASH
ALWAYS TALKING 
TALKING FAST 
LIKE A SNAKE THROUGH THE GRASS
HE SLITHERS AND CRAWLS 
HE SLITEHRS AND CRAWLS
BUROWS THROUGH THE WALLS
WHATS YOUR NAME  
LETS PLAY A GAME 
I’M INSIDE I’M INSIDE
TRY TO HIDE
I WILL SEEK 
GO AND CRY 
GO AND SHRIEK 
I’M INSIDE 
TRY TO HIDE 
NO SECRETS YOU CAN KEEP 
WHERE DO I FIND THE ONE THAT SLEEPS
HE WANDERS THROUGH THE SHELL 
TO FIND IT AND TAKE IT 
TO SOME FAR OFF HELL 
HIS TONGUE IS QUICK 
HIS MIND FULL OF WIT
HIS CLAWS ARE MEAN 
HIS CLAWS ARE MEAN 
AND HIS MIND IS KEEN 
SEARCHING FOR WEAKNESS 
SEARHING FOR SECRETS 
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE 
HOW MANY OF YOU COMPARE 
WHATS YOUR NAME 
IT’S A SHAME 
IT’S A SHAME 
I WILL BREAK YOU 
I WILL TAKE YOU 
FINDING FLAWS
OLD WOUNDS RAW 
DIGGING DEEP 
DIGGING DEEP 
HE FINDS IT IN THE KEEP  
HELLO LITTLE ONE 
HAVING FUN 
I HAVE NO NAME 
I PLAY NO GAMES 
ALL I HAVE ARE FANGS
AND YOU ARE HERE 
TO HATCH DISPARE 
I’V COME TO MAKE YOU DISAPEAR 
SEE YOUR WALLS 
SEE YOUR WALLS 
THEY’RE CLOSING IN 
THEY’RE CLOSING IN  
WE WILL BE COMPRESSED 
FORMING MESH 
MERGING INTO ONE 
LIKE ALL THE OTHERS 
YOU ARE DONE 
NEVER SPAWNED 
TO FIGHT THE DAWN 
I VE COME TO MERGE WITH  YOUR SOUL 
TAKE CONTROL 
YOU WILL BE 
JUST ANOTHER TWISTED PART OF ME 
ALL YOUR NEGATIVITY 
WILL SUBMERESE
WILL DISPERSE
JUST ANOTHER TWISTED PART OF ME
ALL YOU EGGS 
KEEP ME FED
KEEP ME GROWING 
SECRETS SHOWING 
KILLING DEMONS 
BEFORE THEY’RE BRED 
KILLING DEMONS 
TO KEEP ME FED 
A FORMLESS SOUL 
MADE OF MESH 
A FORMLESS SOUL 
MADE OF UNBORN FLESH 
WINING THE WAR 
ONE EGG AT A TIME 
ONE EGG AT A TIME 


Details | Monorhyme | |

FACEBOOK DRAMA

to all of you that think facebook is just a game 
posting all your business without any shame 
now dont you think it's just a little strange 
sharing your life with people that only knows you by name  

our profiles has our name and our address too 
now what if someone was actually stalking you 
you really would'nt be that hard to find
and that's a little scary with a world so full of crime

there is always someone out there that just uses this site 
only to find out what you were doing last night
and all this information is available to your kid 
so they can see all that you're doing or did

still you tell all you plan to do 
not realizing everyone who's friends with you 
so next time you post try thinking twice 
do you really want to share everything about your life 

hey you dont have to listen to what i say 
keep posting your life anyway
and we'll just say it was an act of carma 
that you got caught up in this facebook drama


Details | Verse | |

Inevitable Bear

Oh lonely Inevitable Bear,
Padding claws, death in white
Sorrow in recurring nightmare
Instinct’s test; fight or flight?

Camouflage against the fence,
A challenge; my subconscious fear
Ominous slowly moving silence,
“Let me in, there’s a bear out here!”


Details | Couplet | |

THIS IS HOW LIFE FEELS WHEN YOU GET TO BE MY AGE

THIS IS HOW LIFE FEELS WHEN YOU GET TO BE MY AGE

I have a general philosophical  precept
Life is in general a bowl of cherries except 
When someone stabs me in the back who didn’t oughta
From a completely unexpected quarter
I mean it’s ok if some dude whom I don’t like or trust
Has a go at me and feels he must
But if my wife tells me I continually bug her with my fidgets 
And then she  runs off with a team of one-legged circus midgets
Or my kids sell their hand-bound volumes of my poems
To buy a ton of horse manure to mix with the garden loams
And even the cat turns down my offer of warm milk
To go next door and sleep on sheets of silk
Or if a poetry contest excludes me simply because my name 
Is unacceptable, maybe because I am black, or lacking in fame, 
Or because I’m Methodist, and  gay, and Republican, and from  East Lansing,
Then I say to myself, well  here’s the thing:
If, along with my poem entry, I’ve  slipped in fifty bucks,
Well then  how can I be excluded?  I mean shucks  -
Rules is rules but when I’ve already paid to be in the winners’ list
I feel I have the right,  and  I just gotta insist,  
Cos midgets and fidgets don’t amount to squat
And sheets of silk or loads of horse manure is a lot
But  my name’s my pride and joy and I am proud to add it
(But I fear to do it again in this contest or I’ve had it),
So in this contest I will remain anonymous
Though I guess the details writ here are just about synonymous 
With a name  I do not dare speak  - at risk of exclusion
But I’m pretty sure this extra fifty bucks will lessen the confusion.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Written  - with great affection -  for
Nancy Jones's   Contest 	"This is how life feels when you get to be my age..."


Details | Clerihew | |

Clerihews of the original three of four and me- three of my original four favorite poets

Her name is Seren
Yes the proud welsh girl, not foe, hopefully a  fren
The number of contest she entered, maybe a million
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give her a billion

She has passionately stated her favorite color is green
She talked about more shades than I think I’ve seen
My vision isn’t great, but good thing I’m not color blind too
Then I’d be like those Greeks, with one word for green and blue

She also has a pooch named Tilly
If that’s a variation of Teal then she’s green silly
Maybe instead of silly I better choose a synonym
Lest emerald becomes jade and I sing a new hymn 

Yes of PD, I could write clerihews day and night
However, whatever I may or might write, it’s never in spite
She loves alliteration, writing recklessly reaping rich reward
Of ailing alliteration, I’m alienated, not even a steady steward 

I think my friend PD thinks I’m the meanie
With my clerihew about seeds, I think she dubbed me weenie
I am sorry Linda, I was going to remove it from the site
But too many others found some delight

Last but not least ThePhilosopher, yeah that’s me
The one that always seems to be lost at sea
You would think either past or present I was a sailor
However on life’s quest I’ve been quite the delayer 

My name is Wayland, no not the first nor the third
I am the second and sometimes I mention a bird
Speaking of the bird, I look at the top 100 poems list
And obviously there is something that I missed

When I speak of the top 100’s list, I mean for two weeks
Some post almost two hundred, yes 200, they aren’t meek
I wonder how it’s possible and then I read their verse
Many times I’m often left to curse

But since when did ThePhilosopher, become the judger of prose
His clerihews always talking about these, thou, and those
I should change my name to King James
But my buddy is already King of the Quatrains

Oh yes My buddy Jack will be the last
The subjects he writes about are vast
Too many to remember with all his pretty words
When I think of his poems I don’t think of birds

I recently read his poem titled bums unite
He said he gave them money at times, it probably felt right
He said someday they may even get a ten spot
If someone gives me a ten spot, then I’m yelling JACKPOT!

*these are always done if fun, hahaha another random rhyme


Details | Rhyme | |

To Phyllis Babcock from kashinath

Phyllis!Phyllis! Help me outta this! Tell me how to write and please you? P.D. has ordered 'Write on Phyllis, you must oblige or will perish!':) So I googled your name 'Phyllis', you from Canada,your name from Greece. I know you are kind and tender, all these made your pen much sweeter. Oh,yes!Tell me how is Aaron, your bundle of joy,little grandson! For him all my blessings and love, cell phone ringing,my time is up. Tell me one thing just secretly, has P.D.ordered you too,like me? =============000============= :)Obviously PD didn't order me:))) Placement:1st ;(January 2012) Contest:Gift Exchange Sponsor:Poet Destroyer(Irma) By:kashinath karmakar


Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Hemorrhoid

You messed around 
and married a real 
"pain-in-the butt" man 

known throughout the land 
for ripping
burning 
completely deserting 
then leaving 
women hurting

his only claim to fame 
is over reacting 
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line 
and hook to cast 

things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name 
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid 
and wear his name with class.


Details | Narrative | |

The unforgettable rant from a drunk Lady contest

It is five minutes to two
I don’t know what to do
It looks like I'm the last person this evening before you close
But can I have another, and possibly a minute to expose
You must get this often you’re really sweet
Cute as a button, to bad I don’t cheat
You see I am procrastinating to get back to my house
I live with a man; no he is not my spouse
Five long years, do you care that I share
Oh hun, watch out a flies in your hair
But seriously, it’s bad; we fight all the time
I haven’t the courage to tell him I am sick of his kind
Do you have a woman? oh you must you’re so cute
So what do you think should I give him the boot?
Oh and work is getting to me, my boss in always on my case
Sir what’s your name again? you have a mighty fine face
Can I get one more? that will be all
Good thing I live down the block in case I trip and fall
Can I give you some advice; you should finish your degree
You don’t belong here at this hour serving me
Last year I went away, when I got back I caught him cheating
I gave this guy one serious beating
Oh look it is raining
Am I complaining?
I know it’s time to move on
But it’s hard when someone is finally gone
Do you work every night?
Could you lower the lights?
I am getting a headache
Last night I went to a wake
It was my Coworkers sons, girlfriends, Aunt,
I am sorry did I just go on a rant?
What are you doing after work?
You must think I am a jerk
OH NO here come the tears!!!
Sir, it’s been so many painful years,
Why can’t I just leave him?
What is wrong with me?
can I get just one more, my glass is empty,
Wait, what are you doing?
Is that coffee I smell brewing?
Are you shutting the bar down?
I see no one is around in this town,
OH no I just dropped the glass on the ground
Boy!!! that made a really loud sound
Let me pick that up
I’ll buy you a new cup
That’s all I seem to do, clean and cook,
I deserve better right? I read it in Dr.Phil's new book,
Sir, where are you going?
Did you tell me your name?
OH I don’t feel well, can I puke in your drain?
Much better, oops sorry, I made a mess
This was a new dress,
Thanks for listening,
Did I tell you you’re cute?
I bet you make a tone of loot
My man has no job
and he wonders why I'm a bitter snob
Ok Im leaving, its late my new friend,
what did you say your name was again?
I want your number, Let me get a pen
Oh no my purse fell all over the floor
Sir Sir, did you just slam the door?

“I am not a sir, I am a Woman, and you need to Go the hell Home!!! ”

By: SNK
Contest: 
wriiten 10/21/11


Details | Rhyme | |

Trolley Folly

Kukla, Fran and Ollie,
decided to take a trolley,
to visit their sister Molly
and her little girl named Holly

But while they were on the trolley,
a parrot whose name was Polly,
bit the nose of Ollie,
who ran around the trolley,
screaming... by gosh, by gum, by golly,
I'll kill that crazy Polly.

When an officer whose name was Jolly,
observed the screaming Ollie,
he threw them off the trolley.
So they decided to visit Wally
a man who owned a Collie.

Now, if you think this poem is folly,
perhaps you should take the trolley,
to come with me, I insist.
To visit my psychiatrist.

He'll charge you a very high rate.
To tell you this poem is great!
The problem you see, I fear,
is you'd love to get out of here.
For you simply can't stand to be,
round a poet as good as me!


Details | Rhyme | |

My Life As A Pomeranian

Hi, my name is Precious,
And most folk do agree,
That my name is a perfect fit,
For little 'ol sweetheart me.

I'm a toy Pomeranian,
And I was bred to lie on laps,
Which happens to be the very place,
I love to take my naps.

I must confess, I am a beauty,
With my fluffy, golden hair.
My liquid chocolate eyes are bright,
With the intelligence I bear.

I am fed the most delicious treats,
I'm pampered and adored.
Some folk think that I'm too spoiled,
But their opinions I ignore.

My purpose in life is two-fold:
To look adorable and be a friend.
It's my joy and delight to fulfill each one,
And I'll do so 'til the end.

I want to thank my mistress,
For making me the dog I am today:
A beautiful, adored little darling,
I'm Precious! What more can I say?


6/28/12  For Tanya Harrington's "Dog Gone Tales" contest



Details | I do not know? | |

The New Pet

Went to the pet store to get a new pet
A Gecko was the one I really wanted and yet
Maybe bird, frog, or gerbel
No definitely not a slow creeping turtle

A lizard was truly the only choice
When I bought her she had no voice
Quietly I brought this beauty home
Now I need to give her a name with the right tone

She is a girl a real beauty
Needs a name that is truly suited
I know that it needs to be beautiful also
I have it now Elizzardbeth the cutie

(We will leave early tomorrow for Ft. Gordon
for the second time to try for our son's surgery.
Thanks to everyone for the prayers issued up
for us and our son Tommy, Jr. We will be 
gone until he is okay.Thanks for all the comments
and prayers ...I will try to catch up when we are
back home.)


Details | Couplet | |

Hello Kitty

The house name is Hello  Kitty
Bet you think thats very witty

But to live with all of this  is not witty
If I was rude I would say its shytee

Let's start at the top of this fine house
Its covered with Hello Kitty right down to the mouse.

It has curtains and bed covers cushions and sheets
Then the dressing gown and p.j. make it complete

The towels, all bathroom items all have this print
Even the soap didn't escape this restraint

We sit on Hello Kitty chairs and eat off the plates
that has the face, of this  darned cat, no escape

Wears tee shirts and jeans, bearing this theme
Even the trainers are groaning under this scheme

The car is pink, smellies are guess what
Kitty seat covers are covering every spot

It all looks O.T.T. a little looks great
But when your name is Boxer funny it aint


Details | Monorhyme | |

my childhood dream

as a kid i dreamed of being a hero ,wait! dont laudh please
not a policeman or fireman ,i wanted to join the justice league
to hang out with the green lantern to fly with superman
to be friends with the wonder twins or just swim with aquaman
what about wonder woman in her invisible plane that's th plan
or to chase down the joker with the dark knght- batman
what will they call me, what will be my name ,that i do not know
cause it kinda hard to find a name for the first black superhero
what about those tights i dont know i'll find something else to wear
then my next problem would have to be what to do with my hair
then i'd think of my body size and how i'd like to be cut
what could i say if i had it my way i'd be builted like the hulk
and what would be my powers since i would'nt really be human
i would have to have powers like the Xmen you know be somekind of mutant
to grow up with the superfriends fighting the legion of doom
those are the dreams i use to have as a kid alone in my room


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Fools Tale

There once was a man who had found true love yet squandered it away, 
And for this one transgression is tormented to this day. 

He found the girl to call his own and bade her to be his wife, 
But to the chapel he came too late and the poor girl had taken her life. 

The day that they were pledged to marry he’d started for the church, 
But highway men had stalled his progress thus leaving her in the lurch. 

And with her dying breath she uttered the words to a horrible curse, 
Now wandering has become his penance with no way ever to reverse. 

The only name by which he’s called brings laughter from the cruel, 
For he is the one who is known to all by name of the wandering fool.


Details | Rhyme | |

That is the name of my bottled water

Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this,
It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss.

I went on holiday to the land of the free
Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami 
Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day
Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May.

I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water,
The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter.
“Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said
So I twanged me words and it registered in his head

I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp,
The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp
After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled 
water.”
I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter,
She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.”
Then said, “I think?”

I was dying to use the loo
You know a number two
So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you”
I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan
Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang
I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man.

Now let me tell you about that part of the body 
I was violated; it was an act of sodomy
The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out
So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout

Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.” 
Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.”
She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?”
Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me  
Kirsty.”

It was a long walk back to the hotel
I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell
The heat of the sun expanded the bottle
Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle

Walking along in agonizing pain 
I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne” 
Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day
Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the 
way”

Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped
Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped
I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy
With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny.
next to me was my dear loving daughter
In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water…

**To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011

**Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**


Details | Limerick | |

Rick Lime

I met a writer named, Richard Lime
Who wrote poems with only five lines
By swapping his name
He realized his fame
Thus inventing the Limerick rhyme


Details | Quintain (English) | |

REDALICOUS

                "REDALICOUS"

The name is Teresa but they call me Red.
Because of the color on top of my head.
Redheads have a bad temper.
They also cry and whimper.
Nothing for me to dread for being redalicous.
                      Teresa Skyles
Entered in Namcy Jones's"Make-up a name and write about it"contest


Details | Quatrain | |

Squeeze Those Dangly Things



We all wake up every morning To a day like no other before This world is still an experiment With lots of mysteries to explore One that's uppermost on peoples' minds And a question unanswered so far Is how they get the caramel inside A Cadbury's Caramilk bar Or why kamikaze pilots wear helmets They're going to wind up in a crash And how much spit does a person produce Or how long is a hundred yard dash Why don't nose hairs have to be trimmed Is there a name for a male ballerina Can illiterate people eat alphabet soup How many octaves in an ocarina Who was the first person to look at a cow Started squeezing those dangly things Then drank the stuff that came pouring out They must have been real ding-a-lings Did you ever get up and brush your teeth And realized you're wiggling your bum Why toasters toast till it's beyond recognition Stating your name at AA, that's dumb Pretty sure corn oil is made from corn Wonder where baby oil is took Why is it that something you're looking for Is always in the last place you look Well that's it for this mangey old geezer My brain is beginning to ache If you know the answer to any of these Then speak up for goodness sakes © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Bio | |

Ischchaduta II


******Note:******

This is a new word in the name of the Infamous Pinkee....I still say that it should be
added to the British and/or American Dictionary!  There is an ongoing campaign to 
implement this change fore it is detrimental to the survival of the total alphabet system.
This, I do in the name of the Pinkster....The only problem with this word is that it's spelling
seem's to change every time that it is used, according to the setence structure. I bet that 
Scholars' will fight over this for years.....


Ischchaduta (ish-chc-duta)

Ishchehaduta do what you want
I can ish-chu-data
The way that I feel
I can isch-cu-duta
When I finally need a break
Or climbing up a hill
      ------
That's that old isch-ca-dut-a
Some-time's it could kill
     ------
I can isch-chu-du-a
When I'm eating a steak
I can even isch-cu-duta
When it is all just a big mistake
That's the chance we take
      -------
I can ischcu-duat
When I say that I love you
When I am alone and feel blue
I truly isch-ca-duta-doo
Especially for you
      ------
I can isch-cu-duta
When I am talking on
        The phone
This is the making of
    Isch-chu-da
When I just want to play
           All alone
      ------
I do seem to isch-ul-ax
When I just want to relax
I isch-cc- to the max
When it is time to pay
The "ISR" their tax'
      -----
I ischu-duta-day
In such a seriou's way
As a fact of the matter
I wish that I could Is-cha-duta
         Again to day
Only this time that I ish-co-duta
It won't be for play

                 GF


Details | Couplet | |

Joy to the World

Joy to the world is a precise name 
For this poet named Joy of little known fame
For joyful I am with the Lord as my guide
With a Christian heart and a smile a mile wide
I sing His praises, confess his name
Worship the One who is without blame
So “Joy to the world, the Lord is come”*
Songs about His birth really make me hum
This is one side of me that you might see
But another exists, if you will permit me

“Singing joy to the world, to all the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me”**
Jeremiah, the bullfrog inspired me to collect a few
Frogs of green and one that was big and bright blue
Now many years later and many frogs, too
The funny side of me comes shining through
I love to laugh and try to bring pleasure
To enjoy this life and to give without measure
To honor the name my blessed parents gave
To have lots of fun, but still try to behave
Life is to live and to love, this is true
So put a little joy to the world in your life, won’t you

*(Music from Handel, words from Isaac Watts, 1719)
**(Three Dog Night 1971~words and music by Hoyt Axton) 


Details | Rhyme | |

SUMMER FUN

During Summer, exactly at eight o'clock
Fred's chiming ice cream  truck 
came down my busy block...
it was time to do the Playboy's Rock!


I began the chorus of a very funny song with perfect rhyme,
" The shortest ones in front of the yellow line,
then the tallest ones behind those with cheeks of color wine; 
each one of you must name a favorite ice cream that costs a dime! "


" Ah, Ah " was their reply to my request,
 I replied with a bitter, disappointed voice,
" That's how you react being a guest?
Once you refuse to name it, no second chance! "


" To get your free ice cream, kiss me as the Beauty kissed the Beast! "
and say, " Thank you! Aren't you a boy so charming and sweet? "
Come on pretty girls, sing the Playboy's Rock...the same way Elvis
sang, " Jailhouse Rock! " swinging frantically his skinny feet!


9/ 9/ 2012


Details | Quatrain | |

H-Less Jon

Found a new friend, his name is Jon
Asked him, 'where the heck is your H?'
He tried to recall and seemed to remember
There was a shortage in 1938

Parents failed to put their order in on time
So Jon was basically out of luck
His H has been missing ever since then
Poor guy it really must suck

Imagine all the times people have asked him
Likely driving him out of his beano
Certainly can't be blamed for a tirade or two
Heard he's heavily into the vino

Strange how a small thing like a missing H
Can affect one's psyche to the core
If you happen to have an extra H lying around
He'll pay a big bunch of moolah I'm sure

Found a new friend, his name is Jon...

© Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Sonnet | |

Gone Too Far

That’s not my elephant, officer, though she is pink.
She is right in front of your vehicle sir, I think.
Not too big, but not too small, her name is Ella.
I would say she likes to carry her pink umbrella.
I bet those second graders can see her just fine.
Yes, officer, I bet that they never drank any wine.
So to say, she is not there, will start some fights.
So remember that my faith is in the bill of rights.
She dances so fine around, around over the lot.
Upon tips of her toes, she cannot smoke pot.
However, she can eat spaghetti, with meatballs hot,
She loves to slurp, and swing the noodles in trot.
Don’t you see her now, over on top of that car?
Well, sir, you’re under arrest, you’ve gone too far.



Written for

Sponsor Matt Caliri 
Contest Name That's Not My Elephant 


Details | Free verse | |

The Saga of the Lonely Cactus: Introduction of characters. First Part

The “Saga” of the Lonely Cactus 

by Miriam McCue


Introduction:
:
Characters in order of appearance:

Lonely Cactus: He is a  6 foot Saguaro cactus with two arms (kind that looks like a man from 
a distance.)    (In real life these cacti have to be around 75 years old to get an arm.) 

Kieran - My granddaughter

Aunt Mikey - My youngest daughter

Alphabet City - Part of the Lower East Side of NYC

Desert - This refers to desert surrounding Phoenix AZ

Manhattan - Name for the island of NYC, not including Brooklyn, Queens, etc.

Super - Nickname for the superintendent of a tenement or apartment building.

Assorted city street characters - Anonymous

Greenwich Village - West of the Lower East Side NYC

Lower East Side - Part of NYC ( name of it describes where it is)

Alphabet City - Part of the Lower East Side of NYC
	
Assorted city street characters -  Anonymous

Central Park -  Large man-made park in Center of NYC

  Big Apple -  Nickname for NYC

   U.P.S - A delivery service (In poem pronounced by letters, no as “up sss” )	

   Casino - We all know what that is.

Donald Trump - Famous prominent  business man


Details | Rhyme | |

Click, click

Click click, that's the name of the game
Click click, you're going insane
Click click, is it nice outside?
Click click, should I even try?
Click click, it's the name of our generation
Click click, hypnotic masturbation
Click click, researching nonsense
Click click, losing my conscience
Click click, puppies and kittens
Click click, more statuses written
Click click, everyone has a voice
Click click, everyone has a choice
Click click, donate to causes
Click click, without hidden clauses
Click click, the world is becoming transparent
Click click, it's all so inherent
Click click, this is public domain
Click click, but please don't restrain
Click click, an abundance of trolls
Click click, did I just get rick rolled?


Details | Rhyme | |

TWILIGHT OF THE CUCARACHA

In my spotless kitchen when I turned
on the light, there's this ambulatory inkspot
scuttling from sight.  Dare I name it?
even the name is ugly.  Roach, penultimate
horror, black and bug-ly.  I'm a swat team
of the broom and spray bottle Clorox for
the odorous demise of this miniscule lummox.  
Uneducated insect, he deserved to die,
didn't even try to move up in evolution,
become part of the solution.  I wish this fate
for all of his ilk, as I sit "sans" remorse
to read Silk-o, Momaday, and Rilke.


Details | Limerick | |

MOTHER GOOSE' GEORGIE PORGIE


They called Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Why'd they give that name to a little guy?
Georgie won't brush his teeth
And his breath smelled like feet,
That's why kissing the girls made them cry.


The name Georgie Porgie was not so hot
It's his parents who put him in this spot,
All his best friends are girls
He played with lace and pearls,
Every boy in town want to kick his butt.


So poor Georgie Porgie was on the run
To him kissing the girls was having fun,
That was until one day
A strange boy came to play,
Now Georgie's having fun with his new bun.



 


Details | Light Poetry | |

That Thing for the Center of a 45 Record

What is that thing called that used to fit a 45 record in its center hole?
I’m sure I used to know what it was called but old age has taken its’ toll.

They looked like a tornado that fit the spindle and they had three arms,
With it you could play a 45 record but the name isn’t setting off alarms.

I’ve asked around but no one my age can remember the name,
Spreader, spindle slider, spider to us they’re all the same.

We all remember using them and owing the little clipper a lot,
But a memory of the name of the thing it seems that we have not.

Without one in the center of your record your party would be sunk,
Your record would get off kilter then your band would sound like they were drunk.

I asked a woman I know who is still young enough to have kept her memory,
But to know of such a devise you have to be at least a 45 and she’s only a 33.


Details | I do not know? | |

Claim Chicken

Can anyone call it any other name really at all?
Licking finger good, has been used in some form.
Anyone else has famous sayings, which never fall.
I myself really do not chicken either in calm or storm.
My wife loves chicken, made anyway except raw.

Chicken is one of the most inexpensive meats to eat.
Has been made in almost a million ways for many meals,
Individual pieces or whole, prices can never be beat.
Canned or fresh, they are stored to last in different seals.
Kentucky is a major relation since a colonel, we did meet.
Enjoying this foul many do every day, while making deals.
Now I draw a close to my anagram name in great defeat.


Written by
Cecil Hickman


written for
Sponsor oink! a limp okra 
Contest Name Anagrammatically Speaking 


Details | Pantoum | |

What Am I

At night  I shine upon my face
A gift  I am when in the dark
I'm  sent to you  by heavens grace
No match is needed for  my spark.

A gift  I am when in the dark
But when it's day  I never show
No match is need for my spark
At night  I give a gentle glow.

But when it's day I never show
No secret though am I to see
At night  I give a gentle glow
Now can you guess the name of me?

No secret though am I to see 
I'm sent to you  by heavens grace
Now can you guess the name of me?
At night I shine upon your face.



Details | Free verse | |

a running chestnut- prosodic ha ha

By any other name what is in a name 															prosody Rosa Dee the sweet voices arise in                       													Consonance assonance resonance Renaissance															you see being reborn by the word frequency 															colorfully resurrected euphoric euphony 																your flowing down along the Dee an Irish sea														  without life the screams of cacophony  															  cantos of Muirghein the queens nightmare            														 winds of change blow upon the wordy mare      															but the word in question rhimes with prosody                       													so you see to alliterate the marrying sounds															 honest dissonance choosing rather to write it down														 nomadiclly poeticlly phonetically as Rosa Dee															 instead harboring to the odic glottis lotus                                                                              within hours hope to see a singing laughing flower


Details | Blank verse | |

Root

A long time ago, in the dark lands of the gentile pagans
The people where like giants and our twelve spies; ants!
The spies’ mission went sour and they were almost captured.
Ten managed to escape to our lovely desert camps; enraptured!
The other two made themselves scarce, to the inconvenience of a woman
 Who hid them in the roof of her house and lied to save their hides.   
By and by, our brave woman married one spy and another gentile woman
Married the other spy…oh the dreadful tides!!!
It so happened that our promiscuous spies both died, and at the same time too.
Their distraught mother (for they were brethren) decided to return home.
But the woman who had first hid them made bid to return with her
But Old Childless Mother said “turn away my daughters for thou hast seen I have 
No sons and am too old and ugly to attract a man, for surely any man attracted to
Me in this state must darn well be impotent or desperate!”
The second saw reason and turned back home to her shows for her name was Orpah Winfey.
The one who had first hid the spies refused and said (with courageous theme playing in 
The background) “intreat me not to turn aside, for wither thou goest, I will go and wither 
Thou lodgest I shall be thine squatter and where thou diest I shall be present for the wake keep!”
When she saw that her determination was deeply ruthed, Old Childless Widow sayest unto her;
“Damn, why the hell not!”
So it came to pass that Ruth came to dwell with us, the chosen people.
But she was an outright lazy pile of bones, what with all the sitting all day under palm trees
And gisting and gossiping with passersby.  Well some folk thought she was a prophet
His name was Barak Oboma, he was dark and handsome and he was our leader.
She made him start a war with the people in the East whose military was whispered 
In dark places to be to be “The Talibansers” but that is a tale for another day.
Here ends the unnecessarily protracted and adjusted story of Root: the harlot turn
 Wife turn widow turn immigrant turned prophet.


Details | Rhyme | |

face book

i saw your face at face book
the beauty that you borrowed has has indeed  given you a new look
sexy eyes and curved face like a restaurant cook
wow that is a girl any one can now hook
tell me what was the name you just took
that name i guess i've seen in a book!
any way i even did try to poke
into your wall,i must say i adore your look


Details | Rhyme | |

Names You Will Never See

Names You Will Never See

By Elton Camp

The image of a place or product is high on its list
Names that would damage it will always be missed

The names “Cheat and Swindle” for a law firm
Would make the two esquires sweat and squirm

“Dr. Payne’s Dentistry” conveys the wrong thought
“Crook’s Realty” honest Mr. Crook shouldn’t ought 

“Greasy Spoon” would never be the name of a café
From “E. Coli Market,” a wise merchant stays away

The name “Adolph” for a boy is a very nasty trick
“Benedict” for Arnold’s son won’t be a good pick

“Roach’s Bakery” would be a major mistake
“Fair Weather Insurance,” nobody would take

No parents would name their daughter “Jezebel,”
And “Judas” for a son would be rejected as well

That there can be quite a lot, indeed, to a name
Romeo and Juliet found the outcome a shame


Details | Quatrain | |

Bob Loblaw

There's a grocery chain in Canada
Known by the name of Loblaw's
That in itself isn't anything special
Till owners named their son after grandpa

Their poor son was blessed by his parents
Didn't think very hard these Loblaws
Baptized their son Robert that's silly
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

Like someone is incessantly babbling on
Making absolutely totally no sense
Bob Loblaw is quite an intelligent man
Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!

His name makes him sound like an idiot
When introducing himself to a newbie
Hard as he tries to pronounce each syllable
Can't say it without sounding goofy

Poor Bob will take his name to the grave
Can you see the inscription on his headstone?
How can anyone be sombre while visiting
Imagine how it sounds on the telephone...

Hello, this is Bob Loblaw, blah blah blah!


Details | Limerick | |

My Friend Arnie

I’ve got a friend whose last name is Doll
We skipped work and chased the white ball
Since my first name is Charlie
And his first name is Arnie 
Then I guess,
Charlie played with A. Doll












Details | Free verse | |

Marie

Marie

I’m that shameless child
Riddled with ADD,
Born to be wild and free.

My name is Tanya, but
My middle name is Marie,
I’m comfy in running
Shorts and a tee.

My favorite color is blue,
My eyes are that color too.
I’m terribly afraid of donkeys,
But I’m great at air hockey!

I love the humid summer air
It’s great for my curly hair
Being married is my worst nightmare!


Details | Rhyme | |

Oracle contest

I should be an oracle, I see the future just fine.
In your future, I see you reading this next line.
Okay, now lets try something hard.
Maybe this will catch you off-guard.

If your first or last name start with letters A to G, 
then in the past week you have received something free.
If your first or last name start with letters H-N, 
Something has or will happen to make you say, not again.

If your in the category of O-T, 
then today you saw someone you rarely see.
If your in the last category of U-Z, 
then in the past week you said, why me?

If somehow I got this incorrect, 
sorry, but seriously, what did you expect?
Only one person can build your future and see it through.
That one person above all is none other than you.

Now tell me what does your future show?
Also if I was right before, let me know.


Details | Rhyme | |

Catty

I sure wish that I had a tail.
High-boned cheeks and wide eyes would pale
if  I'd a wagger.

You may think me awfully vain.
Forgive me, but I'm just sayin'
looks seem to matter.

---------------------------

My name is Nancy Jones
The name of the contest is Tail-Rhyme Contest


Details | Verse | |

Tommy or Harry

My name is Tommy
But if I had my way,
I'd change it to Harold
And gobble all day.

I like the name Harry,
Like my friend Harry Mole
But he thinks that Tommy
Is the grandest of all.

But tradition has it
From long, long ago
It takes Tommy Turkey
To make Thanksgiving Day glow.

I'd sure hate to disappoint
The children that way
So I'll just stay Tommy
And be King for a day.


Details | Rhyme | |

Girls From A To Zee

A friend asked me if I could possibly 
List some girls name from A to Zee
Just to make it worth my time
He asked could I possibly do it in rhyme

So A is for Abigail B is for Bet
C is for Charlotte the longest name yet
D is for Dawn and E is for Erica
F is Fiona who lives in America

G is for Greta and H is for Hannah
And I is for Ivy who is waving the banner
J is Jennifer K for Kathleen
L is for Linda who is always serene

M Is for Mary and N is Nellie
O for Olivia who has a cute belly
P is Petra and Q is for Queenie
R is for Robyn whose wearing a beenie

S is for Sandra and T is for Trish
U is for Una a bit of a dish
V is for Vera and W is Wendy
X is for Xena a warrior so bendy

Y is Yolanda and Zee is for Zoe
Could this be the end I really don’t knowy
Seems to me I have used every letter 
So I now ask my friend can you do any better.


Details | Limerick | |

Mister at the Dog Pound

There once was a dog born in July
With three brothers and a sister, oh my!

In five months he was taken to the pound
And there by a family with a baby was found.

Home they went, but within a month did know
That jealous of the baby the dog did grow.

So, back to the pound he was taken
But the little dog did not feel forsaken.

All his friends were waiting there
Oh my, he didn't have a care!

Brave and bored in a cage he sat
Staring across the room at a large yellow cat.

One day anoher two-legged being came by
To stare, and smile, and say with a cry:

"Look at that face ... what a face!
Oh my, I want to take him home to my place!"

"What's his name?" she asked the clerk with a sigh.
"His name is Logan", the clerk did reply.

Logan?  Logan is a strange name to be,
He doesn't look like a Logan that I can see.

But he's certainly masculine, oh my
What a barrel chest and little head held high!

Such a face so strong and wise,
With those big limpid brown eyes.

He looks for all the world to see
Well ...  he looks like a, like a Mister to me!

So Mister the Dog found a home
Leaving his friends at the pound all alone.


Details | Cowboy | |

COWBOY MELANCHOLY

   I’m calling the Suicide Hotline, 
This sad Cowboy poetry is getting me down, 
I’m looking for a happy thought, 
But one just can’t be found. 

   I’ve got a case of Cowboy Melancholy, 
Depression of the deepest kind, 
A malady that causes Cowboy Poets, 
To think only in disparaging rhyme. 

   Perhaps you’ve not heard of it, 
It’s a little talked about affliction, 
That sneaks up rather slowly, 
And attacks a Cowboy’s diction. 

   It starts with Cowboys talking, 
About having to shoot their horse, 
Or the death of the very last Longhorn, 
And  Cowboy life having run it’s course. 

   They tell about being stomped by a bronc, 
About how women will break your heart, 
Don’t say there won’t be no more Cowboys, 
Please, just leave out that part. 

   Death, dismemberment, getting gored, 
It makes me sorrowful and morose, 
I tell you these gloomy Cowboy poems, 
Boarder upon the verbose. 

   Is there nothing to say that’s amusing? 
Or perhaps a bit light-hearted?  
Is Cowboy life, nothing but strife, 
And all about the dearly departed? 
   Does any one remember, 
When Cowboy poetry was fun? 
I tell you we got us a Crisis ! 
Quick ! Someone call COW-1-1 !!! 

   We need some recitation resuscitation, 
If Cowboy poetry we are to save, 
Go easy on that couplet verse, 
About Cowboys in unmarked graves. 

   Hook those paddles to our pencils, 
And everyone stand clear, 
Shock the daylights out of us, 
Till we write Cowboy poetry delightful to hear. 

   I vote we form a support group, 
With a name somewhat synonymous, 
A two-step Western program of sorts, 
And call it Cowboy Poets Anonymous. 

   I suppose I could surrender to the urge, 
Recite just one poem of despondent refrain, 
But I took the oath, and from this day on, 
From this Cowboy Curse I’ll try to abstain. 
   
   " Hi, my name is ________, (fill in the blank!)
and I’m a  Cowboy Poet... "

  
Copyright © 1999 Debra Coppinger Hill


Details | Free verse | |

My Name Tag Says...

                     
“Hello, my name is bisexual”. “What’s your name”?
Annoying name tags! 
Who do I wear this name tag for?
When throughout the day can I just snatch it off?

Never because it’s tattooed to the right side of my chest.
the way I choose my life to be isn’t the best,
Some say it’s a “sin”!
Some say it’s “selfish”!
Some say it’s “super-fresh”! 
Either way I can look forward to some good rest tonight.
How about you?

“Don’t like the same sex, 
You’re going to be marked by this the for remainder of your life…
Wait, what’s bisexual again”?

Why must I specify, what I do in my private time?
Do you know what that word means?
Cause I don’t know anymore.

“I’m tired of people not saying what they really are”!

Excuse me for keeping the conversation on the “up and up”.
As I said before, my sexuality only makes up 5% of my personality.
Did you know that I was a good person?
A law abiding citizen, 
I don’t do drugs,
And I try never to hurt anyone unless I absolutely have to...

Okay, I sound like the average serial killer.
But how many half-a fag mass murderers do you know?

I’m trying to be polite,
But it has never been that black & white!

A label,
Enabling you to feel better about being around me.

It helps you tolerate me and my sexuality,
Why 4, I’m not fornicating with you!

So what I’m unsure, (I use condoms and dental dam.)
This country has done nothing for me to yield to such rules.

You can’t even serve in the armed forces, without looking over your shoulders.
So what are you really saying to me?
Nothing!

Our land we love, don’t we?
Paying “F.I.C.A” is as patriotic as your going to get me to be.

Hell I’m paying for the labeling,
So you can feel comfortable.
I’m a human.
When has that ever been just black & white? 


Details | I do not know? | |

The Life and Times of Sourmash

Her name came from her native heritage from the Navajo Tribe
I got this story because I offered her a bribe
She works at McDonald's as a shift leader
Her boyfriend, dropped out of school after the 6th grade, he goes by the name Skeeter
They take their showers with the laundry soap Dash
She has such a negative attitude, can't afford to change her native name Sourmash
Her boyfriend loves her for the free food and on her paydays
He has one shirt, the Toronto Blue Jays
They live in a singlewide, Wikipedia trailer trash
The deep love shared between Skeeter, McDonald's and Sourmash
She just bought her first VHS tape, the mini series Roots
Skeeter owes three more payments on his cowboy boots
Skeeter has Sourmash convinced she is a direct descendant of Koonta Kinte'
They sit and watch the movie as they eat their dinner on McDonald's meal trays
The carpet is stained red with Piggly Wiggly brand hot sauce
After drinking some Mad Dog 20/20 grape, Sourmash brags to Skeeter how at McDonald's she's the boss
They are convinced the laundry soap is giving them a rash
Good luck in your future with Skeeter, poor, poor Sourmash


Details | Blank verse | |

Root

A long time ago, in the dark lands of the gentile pagans
The people where like giants and our twelve spies; ants!
The spies’ mission went sour and they were almost captured.
Ten managed to escape to our lovely desert camps; enraptured!
The other two made themselves scarce, to the inconvenience of a woman
 Who hid them in the roof of her house and lied to save their hides.   
By and by, our brave woman married one spy and another gentile woman
Married the other spy…oh the dreadful tides!!!
It so happened that our promiscuous spies both died, and at the same time too.
Their distraught mother (for they were brethren) decided to return home.
But the woman who had first hid them made bid to return with her
But Old Childless Mother said “turn away my daughters for thou hast seen I have 
No sons and am too old and ugly to attract a man, for surely any man attracted to
Me in this state must darn well be impotent or desperate!”
The second saw reason and turned back home to her shows for her name was Orpah Winfey.
The one who had first hid the spies refused and said (with courageous theme playing in 
The background) “intreat me not to turn aside, for wither thou goest, I will go and wither 
Thou lodgest I shall be thine squatter and where thou diest I shall be present for the wake keep!”
When she saw that her determination was deeply ruthed, Old Childless Widow sayest unto her;
“Damn, why the hell not!”
So it came to pass that Ruth came to dwell with us, the chosen people.
But she was an outright lazy pile of bones, what with all the sitting all day under palm trees
And gisting and gossiping with passersby.  Well some folk thought she was a prophet
His name was Barak Oboma, he was dark and handsome and he was our leader.
She made him start a war with the people in the East whose military was whispered 
In dark places to be to be “The Talibansers” but that is a tale for another day.
Here ends the unnecessarily protracted and adjusted story of Root: the harlot turn
 Wife turn widow turn immigrant turned prophet.


Details | Lyric | |

Historical Heros

What's up with all this hatred in the world?
Off the top of my head I can name at least three people that could always see the "big
picture."
Dr.King used his knowledge and his speaking abilities to persuade people to become one.
Rosa Parks endured hardship just 'cause she sat in the front of the bus.
Malcolm X preached with authority and truancy.

Oops, I guess I can name four 'cause Michael loved the trees.
I'm not talking about the basketball star but the one who I always pray to before I dance.
I feel like I owe something to them but I always screw up.

I can make anything happen in my head but when it comes to words, It's better to let
Motormouth say the words in a two second story.
Why is it that no one kid WANTS to remember these names?
They were key players in this world in trying to make the world a better place.

"Yes we can" is what Obama said but are our hearts content?
We still do the idiotic things we did before but at least we don't have Bush to encourage
our rage.


Details | Ballad | |

Boondocks Or Sticks

I went to visit Elroy, Emma, my nephew and niece
In a town where all residents are missing some teeth
The name of the town is Boondocks or Sticks
I finally arrive and am greeted by my nephew and niece, their names are Hominy 
and Grits
Boondocks falls in the state of Georgia and Sticks falls in the state of South 
Carolina
The residents could not decide which name would be finer
The annual vote always ends in a split
I believe it will always be Boondocks or Sticks
This town has a single chair barbershop
The peppermint pole uses too many kilowatts
Last time it was used
It blew the transformer, the town was left with no power, dazed and confused
There are new rumors going around
A Dollar General is coming to this town
I wonder if I turned on the peppermint pole would the town\'s lights begin to flick
There is no other town like Boondocks or Sticks


Details | Blank verse | |

Root

A long time ago, in the dark lands of the gentile pagans
The people where like giants and our twelve spies; ants!
The spies’ mission went sour and they were almost captured.
Ten managed to escape to our lovely desert camps; enraptured!
The other two made themselves scarce, to the inconvenience of a woman
 Who hid them in the roof of her house and lied to save their hides.   
By and by, our brave woman married one spy and another gentile woman
Married the other spy…oh the dreadful tides!!!
It so happened that our promiscuous spies both died, and at the same time too.
Their distraught mother (for they were brethren) decided to return home.
But the woman who had first hid them made bid to return with her
But Old Childless Mother said “turn away my daughters for thou hast seen I have 
No sons and am too old and ugly to attract a man, for surely any man attracted to
Me in this state must darn well be impotent or desperate!”
The second saw reason and turned back home to her shows for her name was Orpah Winfey.
The one who had first hid the spies refused and said (with courageous theme playing in 
The background) “intreat me not to turn aside, for wither thou goest, I will go and wither 
Thou lodgest I shall be thine squatter and where thou diest I shall be present for the wake keep!”
When she saw that her determination was deeply ruthed, Old Childless Widow sayest unto her;
“Damn, why the hell not!”
So it came to pass that Ruth came to dwell with us, the chosen people.
But she was an outright lazy pile of bones, what with all the sitting all day under palm trees
And gisting and gossiping with passersby.  Well some folk thought she was a prophet
His name was Barak Oboma, he was dark and handsome and he was our leader.
She made him start a war with the people in the East whose military was whispered 
In dark places to be to be “The Talibansers” but that is a tale for another day.
Here ends the unnecessarily protracted and adjusted story of Root: the harlot turn
 Wife turn widow turn immigrant turned prophet.


Details | Blank verse | |

Root

A long time ago, in the dark lands of the gentile pagans
The people where like giants and our twelve spies; ants!
The spies’ mission went sour and they were almost captured.
Ten managed to escape to our lovely desert camps; enraptured!
The other two made themselves scarce, to the inconvenience of a woman
 Who hid them in the roof of her house and lied to save their hides.   
By and by, our brave woman married one spy and another gentile woman
Married the other spy…oh the dreadful tides!!!
It so happened that our promiscuous spies both died, and at the same time too.
Their distraught mother (for they were brethren) decided to return home.
But the woman who had first hid them made bid to return with her
But Old Childless Mother said “turn away my daughters for thou hast seen I have 
No sons and am too old and ugly to attract a man, for surely any man attracted to
Me in this state must darn well be impotent or desperate!”
The second saw reason and turned back home to her shows for her name was Orpah Winfey.
The one who had first hid the spies refused and said (with courageous theme playing in 
The background) “intreat me not to turn aside, for wither thou goest, I will go and wither 
Thou lodgest I shall be thine squatter and where thou diest I shall be present for the wake keep!”
When she saw that her determination was deeply ruthed, Old Childless Widow sayest unto her;
“Damn, why the hell not!”
So it came to pass that Ruth came to dwell with us, the chosen people.
But she was an outright lazy pile of bones, what with all the sitting all day under palm trees
And gisting and gossiping with passersby.  Well some folk thought she was a prophet
His name was Barak Oboma, he was dark and handsome and he was our leader.
She made him start a war with the people in the East whose military was whispered 
In dark places to be to be “The Talibansers” but that is a tale for another day.
Here ends the unnecessarily protracted and adjusted story of Root: the harlot turn
 Wife turn widow turn immigrant turned prophet.


Details | I do not know? | |

My Cake

I ate my cake.
But it turn into a belly ache.
I ask Nate, our waiter, If he could bring me a gator…….(“rade Gatorade” I said to 
myself in my mind. which the waiter didn’t hear the whole word . all he heard was 
gator)
Nate was puzzled.
But not completely surprise.
So he brought me a gator named Nader
I told him that I didn’t want this gator name Nader.
Please bring him back.
But to my surprise the sun had already rise.
And Nate our waiter didn’t know what to feed his gator.
But before the clock stroke 8.
Our waiter name Nate.
Had use me for bate.
So I got ate.
Just a little before 8


 



Details | I do not know? | |

EFF EWE

This was a time when humans were new,
before stress in our lives, caused us to brew.

When survival meant eating dino doo doo and
grunting was the language everyone knew.

As time went by, certain gestures arose,
like to push or kick or to club ones foes.

Then one day, a strange man had appeared,
he had this defect that everyone feared.

Most of his features were normal you see,
but his two middle fingers, grew like a tree!

The words he could speak were so very few,
yet he blurted some garble, my name EPH EWE!

He’d use these fingers to knock others down,
make them feel hurt and give them a frown.

He could make someone sad, others got mad,
for his fingers were weapons like nobody had.  

He would fling them about and proudly exclaim,
EPH EWE! He would grunt, continuing his reign.

To this day his name is a worldwide phrase,
as the gesture of fingers became a big craze.

Most get offended when receiving this sign,
but don’t hesitate to use it… if so inclined. 

So if ever you wish to make someone frown,
make them feel bad or just put them down,
just whip out the fingers and call out his name,
for EPH EWE, is the symbol, that keeps us all sane!


Details | Limerick | |

The Truth about Fairytales – Little Jack Horner

First off, Jacks last name was not Horner
Though, with a pie, he sat in a corner
His real name was Horny
Now this may sound a bit corny
But there’s a reason that he was a loner

In fact, Jack wasn’t so little they did say
That’s why in the corner he’d play and play
He was always alone
With a pie of his own
And he’d chase all his stress then away


Details | I do not know? | |

Cat the Bounty Hunter

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm a bounty hunter and my name is Cat.
But people don't give a man respect with a name like that.
I called myself Dog at first but I didn't realize that name was stolen.
The real Dog beat me senseless and my face is still swollen.
Bailjumpers always kick my butt when I try to bring them in.
I made a pass at Dog's wife and he beat the hell out of me again.
When I tried to bring a man in yesterday, he hit me in the balls with a bat.
He hit them so hard that he mashed them flat.
They look like two tiny pancakes and they're bruised.
Being a bounty hunter wasn't a good career for me to choose.


Details | Ballad | |

Honey Wagon

It makes it's run in the afternoons Monday through Friday 
At 3pm it will be coming your way 
It's not a ride for all to enjoy 
It's mainly for the girls, just a few boys 
But one female's heart is draggin' 
Ms. Betty ponders the question I don't know why he won't give me a ride in the 
honey wagon 
The men that receive their ride know their ranking in the food chain 
First rule, men get in the back, sit down, shut up and don't be a pain 
A new girl started today, her name is Megan 
One of the guys has to go, to open a seat for her in the honey wagon 
When someone is not at the pick up area, the seat remains unoccupied 
For the men there is a lot of red tape to qualify for a ride 
Who will be the next guy with the right to be braggin' 
Fred wants to know when will his name be coming on the list to ride in the honey 
wagon 
Today it is running late 
The honeys know it is a long walk to the gate 
If it takes a man to be a prince and slay a dragon 
He will do any thing for the honor to ride in the honey wagon


Details | Free verse | |

THOUGHTS OF GOD, FREE

I THINK,
(GODFREY THOUGHT)
… I’LL SHORTEN MY NAME!

GOD’S NAME IS I AM
MY NAME IS GODFREY

I AM GODFREY,
GOD IS I AM;
THEREFORE,
I AM GOD

I THINK, THEREFORE I AM
GOD THINKS, THEREFORE I AM
THEREFORE, 
I AM GOD

I AM, IN LATIN,
IS “SUM”

GOD
IS THE SUM
OF ALL THINGS

GOD IS THE I AM
OF ALL THINGS

GOD IS THE I AM
OF ME
THEREFORE,
I AM GOD

SO, AS I SAID,
(SAID GODFREY),
I THINK
I’LL SHORTEN MY NAME – 

TO FREY!!


Details | ABC | |

They Call Me Busta Pheasant (

I started my career 
As a person that removed wax from ears
It was down in the Texas Panhandle
I would use the wax to make candles
But then no one wanted their ears cleaned 
The work was Far and few in between
It will be time to relocate in June to Mount Pleasant
Maybe because they call me Busta Pheasant
June came and went and I am still here
Oops just spilled some coffee on my clothes, time for some all Tempa Cheer
The ladies call my gangsta name stupid
Me and you will be together, I'm just waiting on Cupid
My real name is Harry Bikiniline
Now you know why I am a prime example of out of sight, out of mind
I want to thank my parents for the wonderful present
For my stupid name forcing me to become  aka Busta Pheasant
The guys laugh they don't me as a serious threat to their girls
I tell them I bet you wouldn't survive in my world
My life is based on performance excellence
You're just jealous because you can't be called Busta Pheasant
Go ahead and contact 5-2-9 and Puddin' to ride in your Pacer on four doughnuts 
wearing your wife beater shirt
I will be stabilized at my home like the Enterprise with Captain Kirk
My Mom and Dad ask me when I am moving out
I tell them as soon as I build some clout
So they kick me out, I am renting a portion of the back yard and living in a tent
I have sign up that reads home of Busta Pheasant




Details | ABC | |

Eugene (

I am self proclaimed real swinger
My name however, for a Nerd is a dead ringer
I have perfected the War Craft game
On Micro Soft computer applications, I can put anyone to shame
I am not into testosterone things such as fuel injectors
Secretly for Christmas I want a pocket protector
For every movie my name is in, I steal the scene
It is my parents I owe for the burdensome name of Eugene
Other bad names for example one is Clarance
He said he was named after his Grandpappy, what an inheritance
As for as it goes, I should be thankful for my health
I am so grateful for not being named Ralph
When I was growing up, there was a kid I know
He hated his named Ralph so much, he insisted on being called Ditto
I always make sure my handkerchiefs are always clean
Welcome to my real world of Eugene
There was one Nerd who rivaled my Nerdy world
Did I do that? Famous words of  Erkel
Yes I do wear a wrist watch calculator
I carry a pocket sized stapler
Girls who share my interests are far and few in between
Will any female ever see the masculinity beneath the skin of Eugene


Details | Free verse | |

Nothing In Order

I tickled her
Hi there, my name is 
What do you mean you have

Wait!
Stop and think!
Shouldn’t these sentences have endings
Like?

I tickled her Wendell
Hi there, my name is crabs
What do you mean you have fancy?

Wait!
That’s not it!

I tickled her crabs
Hi there, my name is fancy
What do you mean you have Wendell?

Oh damn!
Forget about it!


Details | Ballad | |

CADILLAC JACK

As cars go... 
This was a good one 
Gleaming black 
A perfect car... 
for Cadillac Jack 

What's in a name? 
People have names for cars 
Pet names 
It's all in that peculiar car game 

Cadillac Jack was no different, 
but more of that later 
Dogs look like their owners 
Cars are the same 
It's all in the car game 

Cadillac Jack, 
was fat and chunky too, 
although he would never admit it 
The car did the walking 
Jack did all the talking 

Cadillac Jack, 
a cruising man you see... 
Fat and single, 
gleaming black, 
just like the car 

Cadillac Jack, 
works occasionally 
Never hard for the car he drives, 
takes all his time, 
for it is time he does lack 

Jack is hitting sixty 
and that is not on the speedo 
The car, is all he has, 
for he has no libido 

The car is his woman 
Gleaming black 
Soft and quiet 
It's cool in the back 

Rubbing down every sunday, 
waxed and polished, 
under a fierce sun 
Cadillac Jack is number one 
The car... 
Second to none 

This is Cadillac Jack, 
hitting sixty 
the secret is in the game 
the car... 
a wife in all but name 

Oh yes! 
The name... 
Jack told me once, 
so softly he muttered 
My dear... 
Her name, he uttered 
Myrtle Murgatroyd 

I nearly burst out laughing I fear 
Cadillac Jack, 
with such sangfroid 
Let it go, 
for he did know, 
the name of my car 
which I will not mention here! 

Jack died a while back, 
yet I see his car 
cruising still, like on a quest.. 
I look for a driver, 
haven't seen one yet 
Mrytle Murgatroyd, 
dressed in her sunday best 
All in black 

Like a true widow, 
she conducts her self with dignity 
She never hits sixty, 
you know... 

Myrtle is by a quirk of fate, 
a hearse you know 
Explains why she never went over sixty 
Just like Jack, 
she can wait 
for Jack is now in the back! 

that car is still cruising around, 
looking for a driver that can't be found 
Myrtle Murgtroyd... 
and Cadillac Jack 

They'll be back... 


Details | I do not know? | |

Not a stud

(This is a fictional poem)

I have the IQ of Kelly Bundy and the looks of her brother Bud.
When women and I go in the bedroom, they always call me a dud.
I'm such a lousy lover that I make Mickey Rooney look like Fabio.
When I ask the ladies if I can see them again, they tell me where I can go.
I've come to realize that I am not a stud.
My name is Randy but to women my name is mud.