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Funny Loss Poems | Funny Poems About Loss

These Funny Loss poems are examples of Funny poems about Loss. These are the best examples of Funny Loss poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Rhyme | |

My Dilemma of Soup, or No Love For The Crackers

Oh, nicker.  Oh, nacker.
I broke my poor cracker
While putting it in my soup.
I just wanted a nibble,
But the soup had to quibble,
And thus all my plans turned to poop.

So now I'm here sittin'
A poor man quite smitten
With no other crackers to spare,
On soup that's unlawful,
So twisted and awful,
That it kills with no thought and no care. 

Why can't it relate,
And learn not to hate,
My crunchy, crisp wafers of bread,
It would have much more fun
Not to mention for one,
My crackers won't all end up dead.

I suppose it’s too much
To ask soup for such
A commitment to love other food.
But till its attitude mends,
And it learns to make friends,
I believe that my crackers are screwed.

Details | Dramatic monologue | |

Oh, Toilet Bowl

Oh, toilet bowl
Did you hear me in the hall
Talking to that bastard wall
Asking who moved the door

Oh, toilet bowl
Don’t ever have gin and tonic
Cause inebriation is quite ironic
When lost in your own home
Oh, toilet bowl
So accessible and cool
Forgive my 90 proof drool
Irony is about to surface

Oh, toilet bowl
We're no longer alone
I’m talking to Ralph
on your big white phone
He says he’s sorry

Oh, toilet bowl
My porcelain gold
If I may be so bold
Meet my bottom

Oh, toilet bowl!

Details | Light Poetry | |

AMY WINEHOUSE-Should have went to rehab

They tried to make you go to Rehab...
you said...
Shoulda' packed your bags ta' Rehab...
you wouldn't 
 boo-hoo hot-mess

Details | Rhyme | |

Where Has Dad Gone, Mama Dear

Where has dad gone, momma dear?
Hush, my little lamb.
Your dad's gone to the thicket dear 
And mad old Abraham

That man went early this grim morn, and took his sharpened knife
And with him took his own first born, to offer up his life
With servants and with firewood, both, they journeyed to Moriah
And on the hillside there they built an altar and a fire

And Isaac, when he heard the plan, went willingly, it's odd
That he should let that daft old man, so worship his cruel god.
Your father, he was passing by, and heard but could not see
And foolishly could not deny his curiosity

So closer did your father scramble peering through the thorns
Unaware of how the brambles tangled with his horns
Just to see a crazy man who planned to kill his kin
Your father did not understand the danger he was in

For then again that mad old man started hearing voices
His god was speaking to the loon and giving him new choices
And so his plan to slay the boy came about to falter
And Abraham, he took your pa and dragged him to the altar

But that was never fair, mama, can you tell me why
When Isaac he was all prepared and well prepared to die
And all had been decided on, so what cruel trick mama
Was played upon that grand old ram, who was my own papa?

Life is not fair, my little lamb, nor is it like to change
And fate plays tricks on all of us, both sinister and strange
So you take care, my little lamb, with this advice from me 
Do not visit places where you know you should not be

The moral of this story dear, is take heed of the odds
And stay away from two-leggies worshipping their gods

Details | Couplet | |


I was talkin' with the Lord when He said to me
"Are you okay?  Need some company"?

I told Him that even with all His creatures
I couldn't find one that had my features.

"Well, no need to worry about it." He said
Then he gave me a nightcap, and put me to bed.

When I awoke I was awfully sore
Little did I know there was to be a lot more.

For He had taken a bit of my hair and a piece of bone
And whilst I slept, formed for me a unique companion.

I caller her "Eve" as it seemed to fit
As time went by we were a hit.

We would talk and eat and walk the garden nude
No neighbors as yet,  we needn't be prude.

Then one day she said to me,
"Hey Adam, here, try some fruit from this tree."

Not knowing the difference between evil and good
I took a big bite, as together we stood.

Then in a flash everything turned black
I knew we were in for some serious flak.

"What have you done?"  I asked aloud
"Was this from the tree, which was not allowed?"

"Well", she said, "The snake gave me the word
That if we ate it, we would be like the Lord."

We realized we were naked and ran off for some leaves
When the Lord started calling, we were hiding in the trees.

"What's going on?"  He said to me
"Have you eaten of the forbidden tree?"

Like all blame shifting men not skipping a beat
"Yes, Lord", I said, "Eve gave me some to eat.

"You foolish creatures . . . it would have been wise
You could have spent eternity in this Paradise."

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't say it enough."
"You're right, you can't, so I'm making this rough!

Because now, you will have to scratch out a life
For yourself, your children, and especially your wife.

If you think this is bad, you're in for a trick
Wait until some banker dreams up plastic.

She'll be shopping and buying and going all around
It'll be enough, to put you in the ground.

As for her, she'll suffer as much and more too
After all, now she'll have to put up with you!"

So an angel took us to the gate in the garden wall
Saying only, "Be careful, now it will hurt if you fall."

So there we were, On the Outside Looking In
At that manicured garden, where we committed our sin.

I wouldn't mind if so much weren't at stake
Now all she says is, "I have a headache."

I've tried to forgive her and a gentleman be
But I still can't let her control the remote for the TV.

So here I am thinking, "I've been such a dupe,
For posterity . . . I'll put this on Poetry Soup!"

Details | I do not know? | |


Long ago, when I was young,
Before my hearing began to fail,
Why, I could hear a boll weevil
Tiptoe across a cotton bale.
But many years have come and gone;
The ghetto blaster took its toll.
Now I couldn't hear an elephant
Dance in clogs with wooden soles.

Details | Dramatic Verse | |

The Cross Over

My Dog 

Today is the day!
I give my dog away!
I wonder if he's sick or if he's too lazy to play and do tricks.
I called the vet, “$80 I cannot pay.”

My dog, my favorite pet,
He does not want to chase the cat.
I understand that he does not like to get wet.
But, how come today, he doesn't want to play fetch.
I tell him to roll over.
That he doesn't even want to do :- ( 
When I call my dog Rover,
He gives me the puppy face too.
Maybe he's over fed.
All he does is lay there in bed.
He’s not even wagging his tail!

My dog, my favorite pet,
He didn’t walk with me to get the mail.

Should I call the Dog Catcher?
And ask why my dog is playing dead?

by;pd & son 

Details | Bio | |

Solitude: To Yoda, An Ode

Green bark a prism creates,
Feel the pull of earth, you must.

Rotates, a slime of endless hates,
Can hold me not, this world’s crust.

Friendship’s ties, isolation Deflates,
Succumbs, my spaceship, to bitter rust.

Mist, my soul forever permeates,
Lift-off, booms the rocket’s thrust.

My spirit when light returns, elates,
Swamps swell, swallowed hope’s swirling dust.

Trapped, I am, until student from fate
Arrives to learn; Cloud City or bust.

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?

Details | Free verse | |

Poetic Robbery

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION

Details | Free verse | |

Crayola Crayon Time

i prefer them bitten off =center
(a slow lick on a hard knife edge)
 a shecat sparkling like pinwheels
on the silky hilltops of waterbeds..
the ones that make you obsess -why they're one hour
-five minutes 
why their mascaras messy,
making you waife their cologned necks,
checking for that strange strong scent
turn you into some kind of burning,paronoid
jittery flake.

i like'em a little mousy,a little off the 
a chick that can spit with class
kick the living MAN outta me...
A fireball that contorts and concocts,
attends to every want and need...
(ya know what i mean?)
hum-ta-dum...ta-dum... ta-dee 

but in the end what I really need
what we all need
a crisco oiled apron
the one mamma used to don
a lullaby in the quiet cove of a racing mind 
reminding me of {dead} mother's...
undivided attention...
way back in Crayola Crayon time

Details | Light Poetry | |


                               NO REFILLS---Dr. P. Soupenstein
                               Rx *7563287      BEC 11/11/11      
Seems to me,
what you need 
for healing this condition...
is something real
you can feel
to ease this mean affliction

Patient please
accept from me
this poetry prescription:

      ( <_____PUSH & TURN_____> )

Take ONE positive poem
Read ORALLY 2 times BY MOUTH -----
Every 4-6 HOURS AS NEEDED for the pain 

Blues and belly aches will dissipate
resulting in healthy energy gains 

-Alcohol may intensify the effect of being drowsy 
attempting to read while operating machines... 
will cause you to drive lousy.

Details | Bio | |

My Life These Days

Leonora I am a loyal, loving, caring and responsible friend and sister The only daughter of my loving parents , Manuela and deceased father Leonilo Lover of poetry, arts (portraits and painting) and playing piano Who feels alone, exhausted and so bored Who fears loss of love, loss of life and snake is the most Who would like to see different countries, future kids and great poets on poetry soup A proud resident of Candon which is not a boarder of Canada and London Galinta
written: Oct. 1,2012 First Place Contest: Life These Days Poem Judged: Sponsor: Poet Carol Sunshine Brown

Details | Limerick | |

Bug Lover

She had more than a hundred thousand miles
But when I saw the “bug,” it gave me smiles
     Bright and red, it had some kinks
     Radio on -- off it blinks
But the engine withstood many more trials

This tiny Volkswagen looked like an elf
I had learned to change her tires by myself
     She chugged hard going uphill
     Just drive slow, she’d make it still
I knew she’d never be placed on a shelf

With tune-ups and oil lubes, she kept going
And never once did she require towing
     She took me from work to school
     Made me feel so very cool
My love for my bug just kept on growing

Time for a new car come graduation
But it never gave me the sensation
     Of being queen of the road
     When it was time to unload
My cousin drove "bug," e’er making her run

Do you remember the movie “Sleeper”
Bug found in cave seemed claimed by the Reaper
     Woody turned the key; it ran
     A centuries-old life span
I ask myself, “Why didn’t I keep her?”

New is nice, but reliable’s better
That tough old bug was quite the go-getter
     It was just one month later
     I was a new car hater
Driving the Camry, I was a fretter

I tried to buy my old Volkswagen back
To convince my cousin, I had no knack
     He loved my bug, laughed at me
     Refused to return the key
When my new Toyota’s engine did crack 

*By Carolyn Devonshire for Carol Brown’s “My First Car” contest

Details | Lyric | |

My first car-2

My first car

A great uncle of mine, those days, bought an used car,
Which  turned  out to be such a terrible sore,
Frantic, he pushed it up a hill, in front of all
And, sent  it down  to the river below in a free fall.
Not so  bad was the used one I first bought
Still it stretched  my nerves and finances so taut
Workshops at hand saved it from a similar fate
Till I sold it for a song without a second thought.

 4th Mar 12
S.Jagathsimhan Nair
For: Carol Brown’s  "My first car"contest

Details | Rhyme | |

Something Aint Right

Awoke in the dark upon my bed
With the cat sleeping on my head,
Grabbed my socks and blew my nose
Tried to pull my hanky onto my toes.

I knew something wasn’t right
Shoulda turned on the light.
Staggered to the kitchen,
While the cat was kickin’...

Seems I put her food in the litter box,
And now she’s going into detox.
Where in the heck is the coffee pot?
Sure am trippin’ a lot.

I knew something wasn’t right.
Shoulda turned on the light.
Time for me to go to work,
Gotta get the coffee to perk.

Tastes awful weak without the grounds.
Time to go to work and make my rounds,
On no …. that’s right… I Lost my job!
Oh well, might just go for a jog.

I knew something wasn’t right. 
Shoulda turned on the light.

Details | Verse | |

Inevitable Bear

Oh lonely Inevitable Bear,
Padding claws, death in white
Sorrow in recurring nightmare
Instinct’s test; fight or flight?

Camouflage against the fence,
A challenge; my subconscious fear
Ominous slowly moving silence,
“Let me in, there’s a bear out here!”

Details | Free verse | |

Ship Ahoy Divorce Style

<                                              Haiku

                                          sea's tranquility
                                   bestows harmonic balance
                                      amidst  tides rising


                          aye ye matey walking its own plank
                          let not ye other take thee to bank
                                raise thy anchors set sail
                              give heeve hoe to those failed
                         find ye other sailor's who's yet sank  


                    shivery timbers captain bow is about to break
                    toss overboard it's ye baggage holding thee dam weight 

Entry For
{Destroyer { Poet's
Divorce Club
Haiku /Limerick/Couplet Contest
G.L. All

Details | Haiku | |

Parking Ticket

Friends told a secret
Put the ticket on the shield
No more new tickets
I did not wait long
To realize the secret advice
When I got ticket
I did what they said
I left my car with ticket
Glad to know the trick
Dark when I came back
I saw the ticket gave birth
I do l!#*ve my friends

Details | Epic | |

Just in a split second-The sexuality of the lady in Red

Already in the bar at about 7:45pm, as weak as a 'just fed' serpent my body movements, so slow, like a turtle, walking in caution of danger, feeling so stiff like a concrete block, and even my heart beat, I could strongly feel which outweighs the noise, music and bells all combined. Then came this lady, elegant and sharp very beautiful and on skimpy clothing. She sat with the aura of royalty, just three chairs away from me. I was cold, stiff and lost in space and her short red skirt accentuated her voluptuous curves. She graced with divinity and was absolutely magnetic, her attraction was so axiomatic to be unnoticed. Her smile? They were inevitably contagious, and all one could do is to fall sick of a follow up excitement. She twisted her Neck gently and tenderly, turning left and right as she talked to the persons around her. Her words, so soft and peaceful, could turn even a Lion on. Her changing positions, switching legs to cross over the other, only made me more of a moron. My ego dropped, principles sublimed and I was in the depth of wretchedness and lustful desires, sudden heat from an internal inferno came out of me, Those wonderfully, shaped, spotless and artistic legs of hers, stopped my systemic circulation, increasing my lust for her. Nothing can describe perfection, not even close to this beauty. Her naturally curved circumferential breasts, which dangle as she speaks, sapped all oxygen in me. The way she licked her lips during any pause in conversation, so red, flexible and thin, has made me drown so deep in sin, Not even gallons of whiskey nor hundreds of bottles of beer could make me stare away from this rare creature. I just needed that particular soft touch from her, I needed to smell the stimulating scent from her hair, exhibiting such liberty like a loose elastic ring. A wonder of Nature and an epitome of sexuality, the symbol of masculine vulnerability and the object of love and lust, all in one package is what even the Angels covet the most, and here is one who is just three yards away from me. as I stood up like a transformed wrecked engine, with full confidence as though ready to face a panel, all of a sudden I heard "Honey, I am done for today, let's go home" coming from the bar Tender. As I stood up in shock and Heartbreak I checked my watch and it was still 7:45pm.

Details | Lyric | |

The Unhappy Moth

She chose a red scarf. The most red 
of them all.
Of a dark red, a sweet and thick red color,
just as wine.

She carved from the red scarf
from the middle
to the size of a Martini glass.

Then she carved one more glass,
and she kept carving 
till she fell asleep.

she saw her Beloved Moth 
flirting with a Younger Moth, 
carving together from a sweater
while she was getting busy,
carving in the shelves.

The Unhappy Moth drank lots of wine
woolen wine, 
last night.
She drank lots, too much
for a Moth.
The Unhappy Moth got drunk
and fell asleep
on the red scarf,
with a heart filled with peace.

She was not afraid no more. 
Now she could be seen easily,
laying on the scarf
and easily crushed.

The Unhappy Moth was not 
afraid of death no more,
at least, now she knew 
how wonderful the red scarfs are
and that they taste
like red wine.

Details | I do not know? | |

That damn beard!

(This is a fictional poem)

My girlfriend used to be in a circus because she has a beard.
She thinks it makes her look sexy but it really makes her look weird.
People point and laugh wherever we go.
I asked her to shave it off but she said no.
this is getting to be too much for me to bear.
I kissed her last night and I got a mouthful of hair.
I tried to shave it off while she was sleeping but she broke my arm.
The one thing that this lady lacks is charm.
At one time I really did love her.
But now i'm going crazy because I can't get rid of her.

Details | Dodoitsu | |

One Step Forward, Two Back

Spelling a thing of the past, Thank-you cards will disappear, Cursive writing will be lost, No more postal mail. Phone conversations are gone, All temples of worship close, Libraries lock their front doors, No more paper books. Good news for Craig Ferguson, Entertainer - Late, Late show, The all new Johnny Carson, No more Jay Leno. Written by Lee Ramage September 7, 2011 For Linda-Marie’s Contest “Crystal Ball” Placed 7th

Details | Limerick | |

Another Lottery Dope

I just knew it would be my lucky day
The lottery I decided to play
But I had no luck
Not even a buck
Now we're eating beans until my next pay

Details | Haiku | |

Environmental Muggers on the Loose

Just in: Reported 
Thefts of fresh air leave victims  
Of B.O. gagging!


Received 3d place in "Make Me Laugh" contest
Received 5th place in "any Haiku will do" contest

Details | Couplet | |

Spritual Gangster

You don’t want to miss this
But don’t be confused this aint Christmas
You’ve gotta get real my brotha and kiss this
I’m a spiritual criminal with lipstick

If you’re lucky you just might make my hit list
Coz I’m a murderer killing *****es ego’s with fake riffs
If you’re a moral criminal and do the minimal you can’t hit this
We must stand together my brother to beat this

Pleasure - pain, generosity - blame, loss - gain infamy and greed
It’s not hard don’t get angry and there’s no need to bleed
It’s just like John Lennon said when he said love is all you need
Stand with me my friend and let go of fear if you want to be freed 

I’ll mind punch you in the heart and give you a soul diss
Aint no big brotha gonna hold me and frisk this
You’re not lost or all alone coz my arrows fire straight and can’t miss
Things aint changed and love can still fix this

Pleasure pain, Generosity blame, loss gain infamy and greed
It’s not hard don’t get angry and there’s no need to bleed
It’s just like John Lennon said when he said love is all you need
Stand with me my friend and let go of fear if you want to be freed 
Love -love- love is all you need

Details | Elegy | |

Toonami I Miss You So

Once, something we took for granted
Now gone, forever to be mourned.
My source of awesome anime has been transplanted.
Cartoon Network, you face an enemy scorned!

Though it's been so long I still miss it. RIP Tom.

Details | Free verse | |

The Switch Up

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Narrative | |

Ten Brothers

Beneath a flag of red and white
A soldier quietly lies,
His mother sits just to his right
Tears falling from her eyes.

Brothers lie all laid in rows
Around his final bed,
A cross for each one shows
Their names above their heads.

Seven more stand by his side
With rifles standing tall,
Dressed in honor, feeling pride
For this brother who gave all.

One more stands by his feet
A bugle in his hand,
Plays that melody so sweet
Of taps now for this man.

Two more now step up to fold
Old Glory from her pall,
And place it in Mom's hand to hold
A present from us all.

Ten brothers stand by this man's grave
With respect in just suffice,
For this soldier who proudly gave
His life for freedom's price.

Ten brothers came to send him on
To take his final station,
But thousands more sit at home
Giving thanks with the entire nation.

Somewhere, lying overseas
The man who took this life,
Ten buzzards now has he
Giving thanks at his grave site!

                          Timothy I. Brumley

Details | Free verse | |

marking my friends on poetry soup.- the Lord helped me fight death and won.

i don't want to be just marking

time.  i died on november 20,

2008, during surgery.  i was

on a vent when i awakened 

december 2, sisters'

birthday. what made me llive

i'll never know.  i know there

are things to do on this side

of death.

i have no time for marking time.

i have a stupid bag hanging from

my side now.  i am supposed to

"get comfortable with it".  well

that was a laugh.

that was a laugh until i thought

of the people that had these

things with no hope of ever

getting away from them.

i am so lucky.  14 days i laid

on a vent, then 22 more.

i came home 3 days, 


i had
great pain in my chest...
well this is great i said,

a pulmonary emboli, 15 more

days, three days home.

then back to e.r. blood pressure

too high.  this bought me 

4 more days in e.r.

i am home now and finally 

have spent 19 days home.

i feel every pain and i feel

every time that i feel good

yes, i am never marking

time again.....there is

something about fighting

for your life and your sanity

that straightens things out.

i don't recommend it but

i wish i could let your hearts

know what i know.


Details | Haiku | |

North Pole Divorce Club

Snow everywhere
once joined, now melting apart
causing much distress.

Santa got divorced and also got fixed
too many little Santa's running around because of his tricks
  Santa liked the women.
  Too many little guys were swimmin'  ;)
Now we all know how Santa got his kicks!

Santa slept around and ate too much grubb
His wife finding out made him join the North Pole Divorce Club!

*For PD's Divorce Club contest.

Details | Free verse | |

Naked holes.

Imagine a life without holes.
An unstable world,a round figure of nothing.
A straight line,smells like ptomaine.
Holes are everywhere,white and black,
polychromatic,pretty and ugly.
Holes that you may fill,other you may not.
They can think,memorize,imagine.
Emotional holes,logical,positional,
in a chessboard,a second before a knight arrives.
Holes in my body,in your body,his or her,
screaming for pleasure,with or without morals.
Living there,breathe,judge the way you treat them.
A hole can kill you,can make you suffer.
They are in brains,in hearts.
In great losses.
When out of nowhere they are born,proud,
captivated eventually,died full of years.
Significant holes,in maps,in history.
They feed on hopes,feelings,aspirations,
organic,inorganic matters.
Holes reborn,only looked at us.

Details | Rhyme | |

"Wal-Marts" Georgia

Ol' Roy spoke right up without a care
So "Ceasar's" could plainly hear
"There is some ghastly stink over there
Where all those fish live my dear."

Well Goldie tried to  hush him by saying
"It is not coming from our corner
But at the garden center on open displaying
Cow Manure with a scent that is an awakener"

Details | Verse | |

Of Birds and Bees

Heney Penny spent her money
On a hive of buckwheat honey
But the bees were not so friendly
They chased off poor Heney Penny
Left of her money, she hadn’t any
But of bee stings, she had many
She was doctored by Mcclenny
They were married in Cal Genny  
Now her thoughts are full and plenty
On her clutch of four and twenty. 

Details | Cowboy | |


Tainted love 
or tired love?
Smug attitudes
and weak games
Look at you!
Your such a lame!
Me cry?! Ha! Not no more!
Five point five years
What a joke?!
All you do is lie
Keep smoking your life away!
Wake up before its too late!
Before this love turns into hate!
Your too old to act this way!
Your too comfortable
You cant stay!
In my life!
In my way!
Goodbye to you!!!

Details | Narrative | |

Monkey Business

I once got myself a monkey
(God knows what breed his was).
He was black, with dark, big eyes--
A devil-thing you could never pass.

Pearly-teeth shone in his mouth,
When you but pleased this thing;
We'd get-along well together,
(Me thought we could do with some training)
And, I tried teaching him
And taught him little tricks,
But my word! The poor thing,
Got rounded in the basics:

A few things of course, took him time,
While others, he could never learn:
Like when I said,"Sit Marcel",
He'd start to jump up and run...!
(Which wasn't quite the big deal,
For he was still learning what to do)
At least it was better than
When his filth I found in my shoe!

I coached him about 'toilet-culture'--
Taught him where men with a pot always rushed;
When that one day, on missing  my spects,
I found them only being flushed...

Nonetheless, we glued well as pals,
But for a diner's calamity:
When I ask him once,"Get me that rice",
He sat on the tray and chose to pee!

He sought a perch upon my head
So I always had unkempt hair;
He'd sit, digging deep and hard,
I don't know for what thing up there.
(A small cheery, childish thing,
He'd always place himself with me)
But if he'd not torn my favourite shirts,
I say, I'd be much, much happy...

We used to talk as great pals: 
He'd face me then, and play his part,
Although upon losing interest,
He'd slap me, scratch me, and cut me short!

This training and all friendliness,
Sure made each grow fond of the other
When I realized, he had to leave somehow
(Leaving  me to shrug and shudder):

As a final mischief of his,
He'd got himself in a dirty puddle,
Then placed himself in the cupboard,
Disturbing order to a state of muddle...!
When that I asked him to get down,
He looked at me somewhat askance;
As if he knew what it was--
The unpleasant thing that had come to chance...

The grin on that face I was to miss 
I know--the parting was like Hell...
He knew not what would change for us,
I still miss good ol'Marcel...

Details | I do not know? | |


I RUN from FEAR.



I FIGHT cause of FEAR.

I'm FAR from you.

I'm SCARED cause of you.

You're the FEAR that I HUNT.

You're the FEAR that I FIGHT.

You're the FEAR that SCARED me for LIFE.

*Comment if you have any thought and if you like it. oh and some of the poems i write arn't 
always my feelings. their some times just to get through other people so they can have 
something to read that just fit's them.*


Details | Rhyme | |

Love is the Pits

Our story takes place in the mid sixteen hundreds,
Filled with (not so) fresh corpses and newly beloveds.
The stench of Black Death had choked all of London, 
Moulding its streets into plague ridden dungeons.

As parents and children lay weeping and rotting,
Behind closed doors the perverts were plotting.

A young married man named Edward C. Brock
Felt his dear wife wasn't enough for his 
Cocksure and creepy and lacking real wealth,
He'd also just recently suffered ill health.

On one sordid night he was in bed with a maid,
She was unconscious and blotchy - been struck with the plague.
Then in burst his wife upset and aggrieved,
'You wretched little man - this time I shall leave!'  
'But, darling!', he cried 'There's no need to be laconic!'
'Her relationship with me is purely bubonic!'

She screamed and stormed out, slamming the door,
'Good riddance to you and your riddled young *****!'
Edward turned to the maid and stared into her eyes,
smirking and twitching as he fondled her thighs...
'How come you're so wet yet so steady and calm?
Oh wait, I know - its burst boils on my palm'
Nevertheless he wiped the foam from her lips,
Ran a hand up her top and wrestled his zip.
'What the dickens!?', he spluttered, 'I'm sorry my nymph,
It seems all this commotion has made me go lymph.'
But a short while later,
Both were quite stiff.
For a bed with no action
There was one hell of a niff.
The bells won’t be ringing for their wedding of glitz,
They’ll be signalling to them that love is the pits.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Real Reason

I was so above you
And it was very clear to see
But I came to give you my heart
sacrificing all I had 
Just for shot at love
we started off so strong 
I actually thought it was you were worth it
We had a lot in common 
So it made easy for us to talk
We were going so good
But caught in the act 
You said you and I did not make sense
But I must admit I was glad It was over

Now the real reason I gained back my life
And You just lost best thing in your life
Thus why I smiled when I caught you kissing that other boy

Details | Ballad | |

Better Luck Next Time

My heart...can you find it?
I can't feel it in my chest
Ever since the emotional hit
Leaving me months of unrest

You'll be fine, better luck next time

Every woman looks like the same
Decent hair, poor skin and a sight of breast
Nothing but another bland dame
Why can't I simply just rest?

You'll be fine, better luck next time

Lying alone in bed waiting
my supportive roommates in love surround me
I can't bear the noise as I'm debating
What is next in life for me?

You'll be fine, better luck next time

....oh shut up

Details | I do not know? | |

Where's the beef?

(I got the idea for this poem from those commercials that were made over 20 
years ago. The elderly lady who starred in these commercials died in 1987.)

I ate a hamburger at a restaurant and I asked where's the beef?
The chef got mad and he made me swallow my teeth.
That chef's patience was very thin.
I'll never ask where's the beef again.

Details | Burlesque | |

Flee Market Feelings

Come one come all,
A bargain calls!
The first who buys,
Will take this prize:

Freshly beating,
Hard and strong,
And never wrong!

Broke and mended,
Well defended,
Steady measure,
Immune to pleasure!

Skipping soundly,
Somewhat roundly,
Partially insane,
And can’t take pain!

Hurry, hurry!
Rush and scurry!
Oh do not fail, 
This heart’s for sale…

Details | Limerick | |

Rolling Lotto Ticket

My lotto ticket done fell on the floor
Old floor fan blew it right out the door
Chased it out to the road
And my eyes did behold
It rolled away on the tire of a Ford

Written for: Susan Burch's "Lottery Ticket Limerick"

Details | Haiku | |

My Phone

Oh old mobile phone
Thanks for fixing my toilet
Now scared to touch you

Details | Haiku | |

The Power of the ON Switch

Darkness all around me
Until I turn the lights on
Now it's very bright

Details | Free verse | |

The Eternal Infernos of Pain

Front and Center!
Those Gates adorned with pearls in Heaven.
White angels soaring. 

If by chance, 
Ordered to enter;
Through St. Peter's Permission; 
I demand from you chancellor; 
A swift insanity plea, submission. 
For this troubled soul is plagued, 
By vast displays of wicked ways. 

None lost. 
Courtesy of meticulous examination. 
Love lost. 

Diligence pending Investigation. 
Key Evidence, perpetually documented 
In Sin's ominous catalog. 
Rebuke my Judge! 
For multitudes of shortcomings, 
He failed to ascertain. 

Moreover, present was He, 
When Satan drafted me. 
First round,
Pick three.
His Fantasy League...
"The Eternal Infernos of Pain" 

JS Lambert

Details | Limerick | |

Bad Mood

At first: elated.
Now I sit, deflated;
My inspiration's down the drain.
I'm mad 'cause it's sunny;
I don't think it's funny.
Boy, how I wish it would rain.

Details | Rhyme royal | |

The Saint Is In The House

Their was a clammer
   On the chimney
Movement about, 
I couldn't believe it
Some-one just knocked
         Santa out
Old Saint Nick was out
       Like a light
So, as to say
Merry Christmas to all
And to all good night
The burglars' were hood's
Santa hung out carrying a bag
      Poor Saint Nick
They took everything He had
      No tinny tinney reindeer
        No toy's for the kid's
And they took his wallet
       They also took his
 What you ma call it
   O'h, yes they did
They also took one
Of his tinny reindeer
  Rudolph did hide
He hide some where inside
He didn't have his money
But he still had his pride'
He did know that it was 
So, he did had to slide
Their were so many children
Those poor little soul's
They could not be denied
If not for the sake of anything'
He will just have to see you outside
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Awsome Fourth of July
Because that is what it will be
The next time that those
            Hoods' come by
And all the little children
They shouldn't have to cry
The next time I see them
They will get pepper in their eye
I am sorry I lost those toy's
They were all that we had
What else can go wrong
And it is kind of sad
But that is what happens
When Santa goe's bad
Santa was had and mad



The following weekend their was a add in the paper for one tinney Reindeer.....

Another add said: Reinder for ransome; Santa need not answer.....

Details | Light Poetry | |

You Know You Are Being Watched

You know when you are being watched That tingle in your skin You might be looking out But you know something’s looking in. That weird feeling, I was eating my toast I feel vulnerable, that’s something I don’t boast. Looking around, I see nothing But that feeling is still there Then it hits me with a whoosh Before I can get out from my chair. The screech then as it whooshes past My skin jumps from my bones As the great Seagull rushes fast Its skills all finely honed My toast it spears and flies on out My breath is gone I cannot shout I knew something was watching me. When the tingles started tingling me.
© 20/07/2012~GG~

Details | Than-Bauk | |

Winters Release

One frown is lost
At what cost now
Jack Frost has died

Details | Haiku | |


Ya gotta love them.
Huge, wild, extinct, Flintstone's bus....

Rex was his last name.
He disappeared all the same....
Ice age was to blame!!

Triceratops too.
And if he ever said boo...
Would scare even you!!!

*For SKAT's "Dinosaurs" contest

Details | Quatrain | |

Hitting a Writer's Block

I've hit a Writer's Block, I fear,
For now nothing makes sense,
My subject matter is farily bland,
I can't make it intense.

Perhaps I need a break from writing
But such ideas I cannot bear,
For I find joy in intriguing
All of my readers out there.

I've hit a Writer's Block, I think
It took out the rear tire
Of all the dreams I rode upon
Of the goals to which I aspire.

I look to the sky and beg for help,
Or some weird idea; I'd try
To use what I'm given to fix my dreams,
For if I don't write, I will die.

I've hit a Writer's Block; I might
Have injured it somewhat badly,
Unfortunately, as blocks don't die,
It will pursue me, madly.

What does a writer do, to have 
Earned such horrid fate?
Should I have had a headlight on
When I was writing late?

I've hit a Writer's Block; it's true,
Even as I now pen;
But the Writer's Block hit back,
And it will hit again.

Details | Rhyme | |

A Pact

We made a pact and cut a deal
We promised neither one would squeal
But you broke, our pact my friend
Now the friendships, at an end

You dropped me in it up to my neck
Now I am just a nervous wreck
How could you do, this to me
How can you hide were, I can't see

I grope around with little hope
I feel let down oh what a dope
I feel I'm drowning going down
The need to find you gives me a frown

The pact we made was to come clean
We would both end up, with a sheen
I should have held on to the rope
Then I would still have my bar of soap

Details | I do not know? | |

Illegitimi non Carborundum

Illegitimi non carborundum ;-)

...Staggering, my vision cloudy,

I fall to the hard ground.

when life’s sharp left-jab leaves my face bloody,

and all that surrounds me, is the desolation of loss I feel all around.

I see myself slipping,

down the abyss to where nothingness exists,

still, I cling on, groping for a foothold,

for my will to stay persists.

I clamber up, I stand my ground, though battered and bruised I may be,

my curtain is not falling yet, I have some fight still left in me.

It is then, in the pit of despair, when all seems bleak and painful and dull,

I summon the strength from deep within,

I rise, slowly, to face the day,

I refuse to sink,

to wallow, to surrender, to throw in the towel,

to drown,

for I am stronger now,

indeed I am, after all the years, and all the battles,

I stand, bruised and bloody,


I stand,

I refuse, to sink, to drown,

for they can try, to punish me some more,

but I shall not allow them to grind me down…


Details | Verse | |

I Forgive Me

Joanna Davis

Forgiveness is a meal that’s
best served in large amounts
No matter the type of dish,
it’s the ingredients that count.

Forgiveness is a meal that
should be eaten with clean hands,
And every mouthful well seasoned
So the bitterness you’ll withstand.

Forgiveness is a meal that
must in small amounts, be ingested
To make room for the hurt and anguish
that’s yet to be digested!

Details | I do not know? | |


You think you might be in love.

You think he/her might be in love with you.

You think about a lot of things. Do you really know those things?

You think a lot, you worry a lot. 

But do you really HAVE to think or worry about those things?
  Or do you WAN'T to think or worry about those things?

Now that there is something to think about.


              *please leave a comment if you like it or fav poem if you might*

Details | Free verse | |


The rain marched uniformly as an army in its prime
But this was no ordinary army along too came their band
They marched with a song so calming to hear
It changed in slopes and meanders as it made its way down
They were the ones who woke you and they soon removed your frown
You sat and listened as their song changed soothing you out of sleep
One by one they marched on with their tune down the slope
They were an army never to march again but soldiered on
An army of many and army of one… purpose
It's the army that resurrects the thoughts of wartime
It's the song that tickles your mind and helps you back… to it
Hoping you will err not twice as every army on the slope has
Take a different journey hidden in the clouds of your sky
But like every soldier before down the slopes it pours
Raindrops in the night

Copyright  (c) July 2006 J.R. Thomas

Details | Sonnet | |

Shall I Compare Thee

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more stormy and less temperate.
Rough winds do shake our fragile bonds of May,
And summer's temper hath all too short a date.

Sometime too hot your sweat does shine,
And often is your beauty dimmed;
And every handsome man you do decline,
by chance, they leave chest hair untrimmed.

Part 2 Variation
Shall I compare thee to a winter’s day?
Thou art as stormy and as cold
And do leave me longing for May
And winter’s temper too long showed
Sometime too cold yours eyes shine GREY

Details | I do not know? | |

To harm that egg...

To harm that egg...just to crack it...
To see...past the shell...
What memories...what meals...
What was lost...what is born...
To think of how to fix...the trouble...
How many use...
And if any...can there be more...
The cost...the distance...
And if available...when...
Just to crack that egg...
Morning,Afternoon and into the night...
How many have slipped past your hands...
What dreams...can be made...
Can you really cook...
That is the first thing that would be said...
And to think of this the night before...
To know...
I'll get it in the morning...Or...
That no trouble at all...
Everything was perfect...
Except there no harm done to the eggs...
Just a memories...nothing...
You haven't been paid...

Details | Limerick | |

Armageddon over Gentile U.S.of A

As I was driving to work early morn
The Police and Fire fighters were cleaning their horn
in Preparation of a Certain Alert
Evacuation exercises while the Hunks take off their shirt
DUCK AND COVER:The Best of DVD has hit the store
To take you back to the MISSILE CRISIS before
You and Sally will be laughing on the floor
And then..MR CLEAN will wipe the debris off the door
Crime will heed to the Political greed
Mother Nature won't be bothered indeed
The "after-effects" will fade after a few million decade
Deorderent of choice:a Few billion cannisters of RAID
Momma is upset at the current STAGE 2 alert
She didn't have a chance to get ready for work
papa is filling his gut with morning beer
He knows it is wise to drink up while it's here
Turning to the Sports section just one final time
and then the BIG BANG as the Desperatos cross the Line
The children's corpses are still on their bed
Radioactive creepy crawlers have taken them by the head
Mayhem ensues
No more Katie Curic and the 6:30 evening news
Before I die,of Certainty this night..
One last Hurrah
to Hear Eric Clapton play the blues!

Details | Verse | |

Face To Face

Joanna Davis

So many things to do today
My goodness I’ve no time to play
The washing, ironing, then the tea
tomorrow I’ll have more time for me!
Just let me get the shopping done,
can’t stop now…I’m on the run
So many things to hide behind
If there’s nothing to do~
Something I’ll find
I’ll dig myself in so deep
even my min’s no time to sleep
I can’t slow down or stop you see
or I might come face to face with me!

Details | Sestina | |


Roxy as the loudest rottweiler in Waterbury, an historic town in Connecticut,
Roxy was a vigilante dog, which never let a stranger or a burglar in;
once this ranch home was a haven, thanks for the love she had shown!
While I was watching my favorite movie, she joined in with interest; 
I padded her to let her know that I approved of her curiosity,
and I spoiled her with foods that dogs shouldn't eat: like cookies and pastry! 

On the sunniest days of spring and summert, we spent many hours playing, I threw the ball
and she would find it anywhere on the lawn and bring it back breathing heavily;
whoever says that dogs can't be human?....They have already proven that to us
by being our best friends! A dog can rescue a child from a burning house,
and jump into the coldest pool and bring that baby unharmed to safety;
and many of them take risks that we wouldn't take, to protect us in dangerous situations!

Canines have been our bodyguards since ancient times...Homer, the blind poet, had one, too,
but what they don't have is a spirit like ours, that spirit which returns, upon death, to God;
and will they ever go to Heaven with us? Our answer should be no, but the odds of taking  
them with us, wouldn't be favorable, so we must leave them behind in their earthly dwelling! 
When we'll be resurrected by Christ, we'll remember these loyal and dear companions
that shared our affections, our joy of loving, and our same fate: living and dying like we do!

Roxy was the gentlest and the most affectionate dog that ever lived, Roxy kept me from harm;
and what she gave was more than anyone could ever give! And my appreciation and gladness
were demonstrated in my caring ways: making sure she was well-fed and had plenty 
of water to drink, when I would be gone for hours...and on my return, she would greet me 
with a loud bark, and licking my cheeks, she jumped on me and tickled me with her paws!  
Roxy was a gift from a neighbor who died alone; she entrusted her to me, and called me son!

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | I do not know? | |

lost poem

I was writing a poem 
and to my dismay
I deleted the document 
and i did not press save

my stanzas and commas 
and all of my words
are lost in oblivion
all gone to the birds!

and i cannot remember
a thing that I wrote
I'm so waist deep in sadness
that I need a life boat


Details | Haiku | |

Adopted Swan

Lone swan on the lake
Surrounded by Mallard Ducks
Hatched by their mother

Details | Monorhyme | |


I wear a beard of aging, upon a cliff-face chin
A year has passed and grown its hairs out from my mottled skin
Mistakes sit there unchallenged, to each fibre clings a sin
Yet despite my facial mask of age the clubs won’t let me in

Details | Free verse | |

You're Going To Die Laughing

I could just imagine Tom 
dancing in the Lord's Kitchen
wearing his Spandex Boxer Shorts
while his other goofy Friends Hammond and Rosie
pose as Vacuum Salesmen 
at a Dire Straits Gig
making Tidbits and poking Wormholes
with their Listerine Soaked Tissue box
Oh I know Tom has to be laughing in sweet Pain
as these two nut cases aboard an U.F.O.
and stay drifting to another brilliant Convention
on  Insomnia and Nuclear Waste Medicine
Bet they end up thinking that  Lunar Craters
is the head cheese in charge 
As they sit to Wine And Dine for free

Details | I do not know? | |

Gone fishing

(This is a fictional poem)

Last weekend I went on a fishing trip with my brother.
Now we're both mad and we're not speaking to each other.
I accidentally hooked my brother in his ear.
I tore it off and he burst into tears.
Later he wore spiked golf shoes and put holes in my boat.
We were both wearing life jackets so we were able to float.
Later I caught fifteen fish and I sure was proud.
When my brother didn't catch anything, he started cussing and he got loud.
The next day he caught one fish and I caught ten.
He kicked my ___ and cussed me out again.
I've decided not to go fishing anymore.
If I want any fish, I'll buy them at the store.

Details | I do not know? | |

"Yesterday i Was, So A Blond" (Rock/Pop)

"Yesterday i Was, So A Blond"

yesterday i gave you the best of me
yesterday i need to be in your arms 
but yesterday is so dead and gone 

hook: SO! so long, so long, your so gone 
your just a want to be Don Juan
so now you can so the hell move on 

yesterday i was so blond 
but today I'm gona so move on
can hear your lies 
won't give us another try  

hook: SO! so long, so long, your so gone 
your just a want to be Don Juan
so now you can so the hell move on 

because yesterday i was so blond~


Details | Rhyme | |

The Birdie

I watched a little birdie as it fluttered in the air,
Riding on the wind without even a care.
A cute little thing with it's feathers and it's crown,
Well it use to be cute until a trucker ran him down.
I watched a smashed little birdie,with it's feathers flying in the air,
I think the only tire that didn't hit him,was the one underneath,the spare.
The trucker kept a going,feathers all up in his grill,
I watched as his trailer dissapeared over the hill.
Times like these are sad,it's all a part of nature,
But it makes me happy because I am a vulture.

Details | I do not know? | |

A long line of scallywags

I love my son he's always chipper
he's my scallywag and I'm the skipper
and the apple does'nt fall far from the tree
he's menatly challenged just like me!

and even though his dad's a zero
"hey dad your my hero!"
having fun is all he's wishing
"hey dad ya wanna go fishin?"

lost the house a home we have not
"hey dad looky what I caught!"
no business financal ruin we sank
"aww dad you can have my piggy bank"

rich kids need toys to have fun
"love you dad!" "love you son!"
think no toys would make him sad?
such a good boy "your the best dad!"

now I know I won't always live forever
"hey dad we always be together?"
"no worries son just stay chipper
you'll have your own scallywag and you'll be the skipper!"

by Captain Mike Harris and his son

Details | Senryu | |

Give Yourself A Second Chance

if you did not  have
a good childhood, then stop and 
smell the roses ... twice!

Details | Quatrain | |


Goodbye Fall with all the auburn leaves of the reddest sunset,
goodbye crackling path where I met the last songbirds,
whose melody accompained me to winter's doors;
and with deep sadness I kept on looking back.

Welcome gloomy winter with short afternoons and long evenings;
watching the advancing shadows and loudly hearing
the furious sound of the squall rampaging the stately trees,
and making them weep when the icy rain comes down with lightining. 

Sitting in a rattling, rocking chair, I peruse through pages of sunny places afar,
forgetting the dreariness of this frigid season and be consoled by a warm fire;  
and still nostalgia abounds...thinking of the pleasant strolls of a past season,
which thrilled me with its colors, and through delight I justified my reason. 

O winter, don't linger as you always have...shorten your stay, avoid foul play; 
and could I ever stand a pale sun, hardly giving off with its luminiscence,
in this house hidden among the maples and the pines of a squalid valley?
Old winter, don't mislead me with days without snow...that's utter pretense!

Goodbye explorer fedora hat keeping my dreamer's head cool, 
sparing my skin another ugly wrinkle, allowing late beauty to rule;   
goodbye iced coffee sipped from my Big Apple plastic cup,
which I bought along Fifth Avenue in a crowded, variety shop. 

Ummerciful winter, pity the desperate state I am in,
reduce the wrath of your devastation, step inside and to tell me your amazing tales...
hoping that I will write them down for everyone to read and enjoy for immortal ages;
relentless winter, reduce the dreariness of this frigid season.

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Free verse | |

Where Persephone Dwells

Seeds of pomegranate 
     in my belly 

This girl wonders how much of her 
Is alive 
above ground 
Or circling Cerebus 
as he chases his tail

(If u r stuck in a dream then aren't u only half living?)

I live with eyes wide open
The Gorgon's stare does not deter

We use people as tarot cards
 to guide our destiny 

Entrails are likely more reliable

Details | Rhyme | |


Just being healthy, happy, grateful and alive...
makes me want to let it out with pride:
it's a joyful scream deafening my ear:
welcoming, without restraint, the New Year! 

Which merry song do you have in mind?
Come nearer and hum it with hope inside...
forgetting the troubles, hardships and lost dreams of old,
delight in the gleeful feeling....even braving the bitter cold!

It's five minutes to midnight as the festive crowds swing
under the huge ball of thousand lights that keeps shining...
overwhelming the spectators that deeply sigh,
somewhat a little nostalgic to leave all behind! 

Let's finally pop the champagne' loud cork
under snowflakes and dazzling delights
of glittering decorations and delirious smiles,
but where's found another city like New York?

Details | Blank verse | |


She calls I a thousand names
The black witch of the south
The I in evil
The nothing that lies between
The namesayer
And the timekeeper
The thousand ticking boxes
The terror in the midst
The horseman and the thief
The alien and the astronaut
That came knocking
The air that sucked her lungs
The bitter aftertaste of sugar
The candle that burns bright
The penny that stole the truth
The fantasy leaping from the page
The trouble in the woods
The headline and the news
The temptation that makes men blind
The kiss of death
The final straw

Yes she calls me all these things
And yet all I offered was love

Details | I do not know? | |

To be a king for one night

Brought back from the world of fantasies 
By the 8’o clock warning device
Raised up undesirably at a lazy pace
Retrieving the welcoming hateful whole day race. 

Jaded by the whole day lecture and ruined by assignments
Projects got to be compiled and pending PPTs
Next week’s above mentioned tasks
The lecturer did a job on my weekend plans. 

Beetling of from the blue mind
On the way back paid for a RS pint
The evening amiability
Then changed my midday adhor. 

Desirous roomie on my glass
Extended my evening all to night.
Budget hashed out and yet a penny left
Contribution counted to three
Held back for the late-night hour,
Program scheduled just after dinner. 

Prepared nuts and crisped chicken
Horror flick lappy screen and encircled auditory sensation
Filtered flake lit up and welcoming the upcoming
Pollyannaish mood. 
Three ready glasses and poured down first small pegs
Mixed with soda and measured cold drinks
Awaited Cheer up, is now appraised. 

Valueless gabs and college couple scandals
Tittle-tattle few lectures and against soul mate’s lambasts.
Last sip downed
And the empty glasses quashed.

A bit stronger second and third
And the time seems to date-back.
Bulge out blushed eyes and orbing love stain bed
Latent hostility and fags myriad. 
Enthroned activities 
Except time none to put an end. 

Deaf-mute fourth and last
Heedful sore past
Lonesome few moments and
Unenviably brought back.
A maudlin reverie expression 
To see the past back to present
If matters could be deepened 
Would endure the malign again. 

Roused up from blues and faced the benighted
Sleety mezzanine and beetle-browed breeze
Yet stood placidly 
To face the agony. 
Mere empty thoughts
And faded memories 
Seemed to calve a baseless spirit. 

A sudden wink,
Out from the world of miasmas
To a reining state –
Caught up with existing faith
A new time ignited. 

Bibulous state and duple images –
A feel to fly
And uncivilly liberty,
Did a moment time
An unexpected eternity. 

The night to welcome the dawn
And unwished obscurity nap
Impermanent few hours of morning
Lasted till…….
Retrieving once again the hateful whole day race.

Details | Quatrain | |


I left my heart in another place
But it's not like I dropped it;
I took it out when I fell in love
And without it, I forgot it.

The only reason I remembered
Was because I looked in the mirror
And in the hole where a heart should be
Were two words: insert here.

Bereft of heart, I cannot love;
What misery I am in;
My chest feels cold and hollow as
If I was made of tin.

If you find an extra heart,
Or a willing donor,
Would you give the heart to me?
Without one, I'm a goner.

If I could have a heart again,
I would brave storm or blizzard,
And if you gave your heart to me
I'd treat you like a Wizard.

Details | Free verse | |

A Tip on Circumcision for a Movie–ing Experience

Torah!  Torah!  Torah!
Check it out
Ten Commandments of
six hundred (more or less)
for the good deed that goes unpunished
and only the good die Jung? I guess,
it’s a 		hit 
or mitz -vah
whether moyel shall take a bit, more or less;

well, he should have it well in hand
if you think neutral thoughts 
during the bloody process
(which may be hard to do–
ahh, there’s the rub
in this Shake-a-spear
tragedy of Love’s laborer, Lost
on this Twelfth Night of your thirteenth year,
you grinning ear to ear,
you contemplate Romeo’s
“It’s soft, what knife through yonder 
foreskin breaks. . .” or some such soliloquy
in this tiny Hamlet by some shore.

Lo!  The deed is done
(and not much fun)
manhood swaying with a gentle bris
and all the helpful hints
Gone With the Wind amidst 
your screams: It Hertz 
and Dr.  Edward Scissorhands, responded,
“Frankly, Scar-less, I don’t give a damn.”

Details | Free verse | |

lost love

Lost Love 

On TV, the weather women I secretly love,
said it was 22 degree Celsius   outside and 
a beautiful evening. She smiled and winked,
knew I was admiring her. 

She left and gave room to world news read 
by a man in suit and tie; he read about 
disheartening news and an Arab spring that 
is turning into a military dictatorship  

The weather woman walked home, turned
on the TV and tried to see me, but I was on
the terrace watching the stars and I had, in
my distraction, forgotten her.   

Details | Free verse | |

Relationship Math

They say one is the loneliest number,
And two heads are better than one.
But I say -1 is worse,
Because then you know what’s missing.
They say it is better to have loved and lost,
Then to never have loved at all
But they also say ignorance is bliss,
And knowing is half the battle
[Go Joe!]
The hell that is loss,
Is greater than lonely.
So I say screw them/they.
Learn to love yourself-
The only one who will be there for life…
Without you +1 or -1 doesn’t matter…
(It all averages out in the end…)

Details | Rhyme | |

Invisi-Girl's Adventures

When Invisi- Girl was very young,
She was not worth stopping,
She would always end up spying or snooping,
And even a little eaves-dropping.

She would always be punished, punished harshly,
For listening in on others,
Yet even though she would punish her,
Invisi-Girl still loved her mother.

One tragic day, her mother died,
And her father was devastated,
But when her father decided to remarry,
Invisi-Girl was not elated.

One frightening day,
her step-mother said,
"Give me all your money,
Or you will be dead."

Invisi-Girl's father tried to help,
Her father tried to stop her,
But then the wife accidentally shot him,
When she meant to shoot her,

Invisi-Girl lived a horrible life,
Ever since the day her father died,
She waited on her step-mother hand and foot,
And would always let out a good cry.

The day Invisi-Girl had her twentieth birthday,
her powers she did discover,
Invisi-Girl could vanish into thin air,
And best of all she could hover.

One day she decided to make a plan,
One that her step-mother would not expect,
This expert plan would be only one,
That Invisi-Girl could detect.

ONe day Invisi-Girl used her powers,
And her step-mom she did destroy,
She finally restored the family's treasures,
And brought herself inner joy.

Details | Narrative | |

Retail Therapy

Yesterday I found myself slumped
into the saddest of trenches,
for no particular reason
other than a new moon cycle.
Instead of flopping myself
in my studio’s armchair to write,
I drove to the mall for an outing 
probably more expensive than 
what a therapist would charge
for an hour in his armchair. 

I wandered into the shoe store—
something about leather 
which grounds me, whether
the flimsy strapless heels 
or the closed-toed pumps or walkers. 

Already lugging two bags, I meander
into the lingerie store for silk 
to accentuate my only remaining 
middle-age curves, skipping over the thongs
and hesitating at the push-up section.

I try on four or five pairs of underwear
to accentuate my butt area,
the part of a woman which shares the 
secret of her fitness, that I work on 
each morning at seven.

I arrive at the boutique who sells my favorite 
blouses, gather some more bags, walking out
with an almost terminal case of rope burn,
until I finally decide it’s time to head back to my car. 
On my way I stop, smile, and realize 
there’s no better way to fight trench warfare.

Details | Free verse | |

Treasured Keyboard

This blackened keyboard
Can tell many stories!
A few of great love...
But many more about my woes!
For I have opened,
My entire soul to it!
For I have typed and pounded...
Out so much about me!
That is why, every now and then,
I pick you up, outta of loveliness...
And dust you off... real good!
Making sure I've wiped,
Cleanly free, my finger prints... 
Or the ashes and coffee too!
That I've spill over anguished 
Feelings about you!
Because if this keyboard...
Does like so many, former friends,
That turned their backs on me...
It certainly could tell,
Far too many... of my treasured,
Secrets and stories, 
I've revealed to none but only you!.
I mean after all,
The tears I've shed...
Your voiceless keys,
Are sure to make me weep!
For you're a friend
I must always worry about keeping!
I betcha thought,
This poem was.... 
About none other than you?

Details | I do not know? | |

Sock Monster

The sock monster climbs up the waste pipe
And into your washing machine
He’ll hide up in a corner
To ensure he can’t be seen.
Then when you put you clothes in
And you’ve set the washers clock
He’ll dive into your washing
And select a single sock.
This special prize, he’ll carry off
To his secret monster lair
And share this tasty morsel
With his monster wife so fair.

© John W Fenn  03-12-2008

Details | Rhyme | |

The Christmas Letter, dedicated to my mother

I thought I would have, all my cards in the mail
You can tell that my pace, is that of a snail
I’m such a “go getter” and I hate sitting still
One things’ for certain, I haven’t lost my will.

All the testing, the blood work, x-rays and more
Thank goodness the lab, has a revolving door.
I’m covered in bruises, from head to my toes,
I say it’s ‘cuz, I punched a guy in the nose.

This pill, and that pill, it is hard to keep track
Is this for my stomach, my eyes or my back?
All of my treatments, are a thing of the past
I don’t have to see doctors, I’m free at last.

Believe it or not, hubby’s quite a good cook
And he doesn’t follow, a recipe book.
I’ve had to scold him every once in a while
“Please don’t leave that clean laundry, sit in that pile”.

He vacuums, does laundry and even does chores
Fixes washers, dryers and paints all the doors
He’ll relax in his chair, and he snores quite fast
When he gets loud, I’ll turn the TV full blast.

I have to admit, that it’s funny to see
Looking out that window, as he trims the tree.
I still try to figure, why men can’t “just trim”
NO, they hack, saw, and pull and leave just a limb.

The Grandchildren are growing, fast every day
Time passes quickly, which is scary to say.
Thank goodness for family, and friends such as you
May all of your dreams, and wishes come true.


Details | Free verse | |

A Buck and a Half

I once thought, 
in fact I knew,
that I would live to be,
In all my arrogance,
I thought it  was simply 
a matter of will.

I saw all those oldsters,
staggering around,
with their walkers,
dim eyes and 
fearful stares, and thought,
"Oh, they've just given up!
Have a little pride!
Get some discipline!
Do some yoga!
Stay in shape!
Try new things and
for god's sake,
don't wear those silly
old folks clothes!

I was doing pretty well
through my fifties and
enjoyed the 
compliments of how
I didn't look my age.
And then one day
I had nothing to say
about the matter.
I done got old.

An ache here
a pain there.
Oh, I'm still fighting,
but it's hard and 
mirrors hurt.
I think
that I am going to have
to sneak up on
with a 

Details | Rhyme | |

Witch Thief

To the one who stole the witch?
May your fingers easily twitch?

Your style and grace stinks.
May you spill all your drinks.

To be so daringly cheap,
Being such a lousy creep,

When you steal another choice,
You hear the lawman’s voice.

Are you sure, you weren’t caught.
By a hidden camera, I sought.

If you should choose, to return,
This witch of my concern,

The curse shall be revoked.
And jail you will not be poked.

You think you got away, without moan.
You think you are unknown.

Hidden cameras are all around you see.
Not known by anyone, other than me,

Technology is great, cleverly disguised.
I will wait until something greater demised.

Thieves are predictable and unwise.
Look over your shoulder, for a surprise.

Details | Light Poetry | |

A Gravitational Pull

Stone upon the water front/
Next to the cashmere pillow,
The pier near the gallow shore/
A man began to speak,

Within this land there shall be no way out accept I tax,
This gravitational pull may bring some down,
Yet if you stay and listen very carefully/
You will live through this time and be very happy !

Many of you have become lazy in the manner of laws,
A decree will be summoned to let us know/
The waiting may be hard to comprehend,
Yet within time you can grow to depend/

The fat of the land,
Let this man take you by the hand/
There can be no further excuses or escape,
The way will depend upon the hearer's !

Details | Quatrain | |

Lost in the Back of My Car

I lost it in the back of my car.
I need to know: Where is it?
I've looked high, low, near and far,
and I'm really beginning to miss it.

I looked under the seat.
Lots of quarter and pennies I found.
I just can't figure where it could be,
if it isn't anywhere around.

I've looked all day and all night. 
Yet I've ended where I'd begun.
All shall never again be right,
for my innocence is done.

Details | Rhyme | |

A Toast To Mom

oh the weather outside is frightful
and having snowball fights were so delightful

getting hit in the butt and head
then laughing cause you start seeing red

hooking on car bumpers for a little ride
wearing tennis shoes we did slip and slide

mama yelling to get off or you'll be dead
we never listened to what she had said

socks for gloves to keep little hands warm
even amidst a blizzards storm

soaked from head to foot
looking like santa's outfit full of soot

but what I remember about fun the most
was waiting for mama's hot coco and apple butter toast

on that speical Christmas morning day
before the Lord had came and taken her away

   {R.I.P. Mama}

Happy Holidays All
Love Kathy And Jenny

Also Entry For 
Deborah Guzzi's
Holiday Songs In Poem Form
Gl All

Details | Light Poetry | |

Funeral On The Fly

Please be seated. Thank you. Thank you all for coming. 

We will now observe a moment of silence 
In memory of this Fly that has passed 

NOW FOLKS! though he Layyys here before us 
It wasn't that loooong ago he sat on my glass 

BRETHEREN! you wouldn't know by the state that he's in 
BUT, he's in a Beeeetter Place!! 
PRAISE BE! With his Inards where they're Suppose to have been! 
Instead, I SAY Instead of his but smashed into his face! 

SISTERS! Sing with me now. Be INspired! 
He would WANT us to carry on! 
Can I get a Hallelujah from the choir!? 
EVERYONE join us in Song 

.(sing sing sing)............................................. 

Brothers and Sisters, you may Now pass by and pay your Respects. 
THEN, move ooooonnn down the hall to the bathroom and WAIT! 
Where he will be flushed PER MY request. 
REMEMBER BRETHEREN Please leave your Generous donations in the plate! 

Details | Rhyme | |


It’s been another bad day with the slots,
looks like I was the only one with the “Hots!”
The machine stared back with complete onus,
I put another Benjamin in and still no bonus.

This scene repeats itself time after time,
with musical wheels after my last dime.
Found a paying machine, it turned into a joke.
Both sides have players who continually smoke.

Players who slap, rub and cuss the machines,
need to be hauled of by the U.S. Marines.
Oh, did I mention when someone hits a jackpot,
it always goes to a loudmouth, idiotic, crackpot!

Truth be known, I’m hooked and I don’t know why.
Should I just drop off my coins and never even try?
One good spin clears memories of a hundred bad others.
Losing money makes you hide in bed, deep under covers.

Why I still do this I could never really say,
I just save up money to go back every day.
I guess I’ll shut my mouth and stop rambling,
knew it would happen after my state legalized gambling

Details | I do not know? | |

Holding a Sporting Event...

And as could stand naked in front of others...
Do to all the better be important...
So this crazy thought of standing naked...any clues...
Something you missed growing up...seen something in a yard sale...
All this nature calls...
If it comes down to many can you get to join you...
Then you could get into the law about doing a sporting event...
If your under'll be new...
But the over forty use to it...
It's nothing to see it all...It's the thrill...
Or is something about a dare...
Would you show it all...
Let the world see what you've got...crazy this is not...
For to get passed the security and remove all...
That takes knowing how long the law will take to get to you...
So it important to know the law and when to run...
The second best part is how many will join you...
That just like holding a sporting event...

Details | Rhyme | |

I Lost the Bet : Where's my Jet ?

I Lost the Bet : Where's my Jet ?

I went to Vegas made a bet
  takin' the cab: lost my Jet!  
Went  to settle up the score
What else is new? Lost some more!  
Nor did Blackjack go my way, 
I should have left early that day! 
I went to gamble; lost my shirt 
 Life's a shamble; now eatin'dirt     
I had a pocket full of cash      
sure was gone in a flash! 
played the craps; now eatin' scraps  
thought I was lucky, but to my surprise
  wasn't 7 or 11, it was snake eyes!  
  I'm sorry to say, I took the bet
you know how it goes;it's Russian Roulette 
I rolled the dice; I didn't think twice   
 went to Vegas lost my dreams; 
didn't stay away from the slot machines 
 Now I  pray for my shattered life;  
should have played Bingo with my wife!

McCuen Copyright October 2008

Details | Quatrain | |


I lost my shoes, and I was sure
That I had lost my mind;
I couldn't remember yesterday,
So I must have left it behind.

Nor can I recall all the things
That I probably saw,
And I'm feeling lightheaded
As if I'm made of straw.

Do you know of some way
To repair my condition?
Magic spells? Surgery?
Some kind of a mission?

If you know of anything,
I'll treat you like the best,
Like I girl whom I once knew
Who came from the Midwest.

Details | Free verse | |

It's Magic!

It’s Magic!

I’ll take away what is making
Everyone sick around here.

I’ve been hired by BP to
make the oil spill magically disappear.

Hocus pocus! Abracadabra!
Here take this pill,
wear this amulet spelling
ABRACADABRA to ward off this disease,
and put on these rose-colored glasses.

That black splat out
there is just whack!

According to BP,
It’s really just a
big blob of bird crap!


Details | Free verse | |

I'm Walking Backwards To Christmas

I’m walking backwards to Christmas, he sang,
Across the Irish Sea, he added;
In his head the wires disconnected to fuses
Blowing and smoking through serotonin drought;
Genius rubbed nerves with scouring pads,
Scrubbing the cells with black paint and cactus juice;
The deserts of chemical oblivion swept forever,
Jostling triptizol clouds and white lightning,
Bi-polar expresses careering off tracks,
Boxcars of words exploding in half-scripted fragments,
Filling the green-walled ward with deranged laughter.

“Yes, Private?”
“Some bad news and some good news.”
“What is it?”
“Well, the Indians have captured the fort, 
burned it to the ground, killed all the men,
raped all the women and killed them too.”
“And the good news?”
“They spared your wife.”
“Damn, never did like them Indians much.”

The crystal sets erupt hysterically nationwide, 
Tears run, spilling down cheeks, bodies convulsing,
As the currents make him convulse;
And the pioneer of the alternative, crusader of the ludicrous insane, 
The straight-jacketed genius of the airwaves 
Continues to sing:
I’m walking backwards to Christmas, he sings,
Across the Irish Sea, he adds.

Details | Limerick | |

Nailed, From a Nail

I listen to people rant and rail
About their sorrows after they fail.
They deny that they sinned;
Say they were wrongly pinned,
But none can be nailed more than nails.

Why do men cover their trails,
Beg and plead to get bails?
They should take what they can,
And act like a man!
For none can be nailed more than nails.

Details | I do not know? | |

my haircut

why is it like this for me
it's not the way it's mean't to be
now i'm in a total rut
all because of my haircut

oh!it's all right for you to smirk
it's not you who looks a jerk
and now i feel so loud and gaudy
a totally messed up crowning glory

how i miss my flowing hair
and my neck so cold and so bare
i pine for my ratty locks
and for my head a suitable box

or maybe a high collared mac
and console myself it will grow back
they say it'll be just the same
but where to hide my face ,my shame

I've decided that it shouldn't have been done
and that i defiantly can't go on the run
so i have to live my life of doom
in the loneliness of my bedroom.

Details | Rhyme | |

OK - so its not PC

Oh it’s OK for you with that girl on your arm
Pretty face, startling eyes, breasts like delicious
Sponge cakes filled with jam and cream.

I know that you think of me as avaricious
But look at it from my side of the stream
She adores you it’s plain to see.

So what about my self esteem?
For my real, totally consuming love is for my old PC
But do you think it even shows me any tenderness

Like Hell it does!

Details | Quatrain | |

Wine, Women, and Song

Wine, women and song-
delirious impressions
both over- and understated.
Nonsense to the uninitiated.

This is how my daydream began:
gyrating  on stage with long hair
like and adolescent shaman-
visions of a young Jim Morrison.

Wine, women and song-
punk, funk, southern boogie drunk
battle ax guitars, pounding drums
blacken and brutal beer soaked bars.

This is the dream come true:
an insidious reality
that suddenly struck rude.
Nonsense to the uninitiated. 

Now, it is still the wine
women and song that I long for. 
Indelible impressions
both over-and understated. 

Details | I do not know? | |

I'll Miss You

I'll miss you at night,
and even through the day,
I'll miss you when I read a book,
and sometimes when I see a play,
I'll miss you whenever I can't think of what to say,
I'll miss you because you're sweet,
and always full of joy,
I'll miss the way you inspire me to write a funny poem,
I'll miss you when you're gone,
and not here anymore,
Most of all I'll miss you a lot,
and that's what this poem is for

Details | Light Poetry | |


Me granny’s gone missing
We’ve lost the old trout
I’ve warned her so often
That when she goes out
Take a map and a compass
A whistle as well 
A torch or a trumpet
A bicycle bell
Just something that’s noisy 
To help in our quest
A bleeper a buzzer
A fluorescent vest
Oh granny where are you 
Oh where can you be
You know you’ll get mad 
If your late for your tea
We’ve all been out looking 
Both near and afar
Mum on her bike 
And me in the car
We’re all worried witless
And scratching our head
When we find the old dear
Fast asleep, in her bed

©  John W Fenn  20-09-2009

Details | Free verse | |

10 Dollars Worth

"Fill 'er up?" The attendant asked GranDad while chewing on a wad of 
bacca with the remnants of spittle on his chin just after hocking one.  
"Naw...  just give me 10 dollars worth.  That'll be good, thank ya'."  
"Ok."  He said, "But it's miles 'fore the next gas stop.  Better think about it."
GranDad rebutted, "Naw... I just need enough to take me down the road
To da' house.  It don't take me twenty minutes to get there by foot."
"She 'bout broke down anyways.  Don't want to waste my cash on 'er
if she can't take me where I want to go," GranDad said with a chuckle.  
"So, just give me 10 dollars.  That's all she's worth."

(Written 3 days before the family van was wrecked when we put $10 of gas in it.)

Details | I do not know? | |

Your Little Brown Car

The first time I saw you,
In that little brown car,
To be honest,
I didn't think it would get you very far.
But you were just so proud,
And I didn't want to be mean,
The fact of the matter is,
I just didn't like the dumb thing.
It wasn't 'cuz it was a Toyota,
Or the fact that it was old,
But you were driving way too fast...
Or so I was told.
Then one day you showed up,
And said the car had rolled.
It really freaked me out,
And it really made me think,
What if something happened, and he was gone in a blink?
Then finally I realized,
That you would be alright,
'cuz I hoped and prayed to God,
To watch you every night.
You started leaving your car,
So you could stay a little longer,
Then I began to like your "Turd-mobile"
And my love for you grew stronger.
You started coming every day,
The funniest thing though I thought,
Was that parts of your car fell in my driveway,
And now half your car I've got.
But then you sold your little car,
It's down by Maplewood Lake,
And now I miss seeing your car,
In the morning when I wait,
for the bus to come and pick me up,
And take me to the school.
But now that we're apart,
That little car is locked up,
In a small room in my heart.
I'd do anything to have it,
In my driveway again someday,
And to have you love me once again,
In the very same way.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Man Who Was So Dumb

Driving down the interstate it didn’t take long to see
It was clear through the pouring rain what was ailing me
There’s a sign up ahead, 
Welcome to Tucson it read
I’m coming home where I’m supposed to be

There’s a man thumbing for a ride minutes from the town.
He’s soaking wet so I stop my truck and I turn around.
He climbs in, 
With a big, fat grin,
Grateful for the ride that he’d found.

And he said, “thank you kindly mister, I’d given up all hope,
My wife and baby daughter are waiting there at home,
I’d never want to hurt her, the way her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun,
And I’m grateful to the man who was so dumb”.

I asked if he was willing to have a bite to eat,
He said, ”sure don’t worry, it’ll be my treat”.
Walked into a bar and grill
Shaking off the chill,
He started talking a’soon as we found our seats.

He said he was coming in from Phoenix where he’d gone to find
The ex who hurt his loving wife and left her in a bind,
Just to set things right,
He didn’t want to fight,
He just had to shake the hand of a man so blind.

He said, “thank you kindly mister, my car left me stuck,
I sure do appreciate a ride in your old truck,
My wife must be worried, that I’d do what her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun,
I’m grateful to the man who was so dumb”.

He said, “I just have to show her, not all men are bad,
See she was carrying his child; he was all she had,
She never got to tell him,
Things were looking grim,
It’s been two years and now she’s not so sad”.

He showed me a picture, I couldn’t believe my eyes,
The woman I thought be waiting for me had found a man who’s wise,
He wouldn’t hurt her,
He’d never desert her,
I knew right then I’d have to break those ties.

And he said, “thank you kindly mister, I’d given up all hope,
My wife and baby daughter are waiting there at home,
I’d never want to hurt her the way her ex had done,
He ran off to go and have some fun”
Then he shook the hand of the man that was so dumb.

Details | I do not know? | |

The cable is out again

(This is a fictional poem)

I was bored and my patience was getting thin.
I was mad because the cable was out again.
I went to the damn cable company and I started to yell.
The man gave me the finger and told me to go to hell.

I started to yell again and this time it came to blows.
That moron knocked out a tooth and he broke my nose.
I pulled down my pants and he got mooned.
The fuzz arrested me and I'll get out this June.

Details | I do not know? | |

Bits and Pieces (Footles)

Blood Mess

Snake Pit
Got Bit

Hang Noose
Got Goose

Details | Rhyme | |


Little ego contains vain pride
a sweet emotion that he tries to hide
he thinks to be a poet great
but no reaction to his written trait
it is softly falling to a soft ground
Fantasy is over but Reality can be found
sweating across his flabby chest
advancing age is getting the best
As for my poem scheme
it isn't as much as it may seem
Besse likes to flaunt the style
she is beating me by a mile
Tender years begin to age
why fight it when i'm no longer center stage?
the bells of youth ring no more


Details | Free verse | |

In Memoriam for My Old Kitty, Shadow

Fat you were, beyond description.
Jabba the Hut had nuthin' on you.
From a scruffy little Brillo-pad sized stray
Your appetite ballooned you
To an incontinent continent of feline adiposity.

A fur covered Butterball turkey
With attitude
You never failed to fall below expectation,
Seemingly unable or unwilling 
To grasp the concept of the litterbox.

And to think we named you Shadow.
Even that part of you looked heavy.

You'd just sit on something that groaned beneath you,
Paw draped across that vast white belly,
And look at me like, "Well?"

Then one day,
Too chubbed to make it across the street in time,
Some car bopped your noggin
And knocked the life outta you.

They brought you to me
Unmarked yet dead;
I crammed your soft bulk into a bootbox
And buried you under our big tree out back.

Death gave you a measure of dignity
Unattainable in life,
As I suppose, in the end, it does us all.

Details | Rhyme | |

Bessie Boo!

The Zoo keeper fussed, he cried and he cussed!

For the Elephant, gone astray!

“She was there last night!” He said in distress!

But isn’t in there today!


He looked on high, and he looked on low,

The elephant where? 

Had she to go?

 She would soon be found, because of her size?

No one could miss her, nor believe their eyes?


He called her name” Here, Bessie Boo!

“Here, Bessie Boo! 

“Oh where are you?”

He called her name, but she’d gone to ground!

The elephant then could not be found!


He asked the Tiger so wild in his cage?

“Have you seen Bessie? The Elephant. (Sage)?”

“No growled the tiger” in a very low tone!

I am far too busy, chewing my meaty bone!


He asked the Giraffe.

“Where can she be?”

“I’ve  my head in the clouds,

So I can’t see!”


He asked the monkeys, and they did say!

“Were too busy playing, so go away!”

So he asked the seals, if they did know?

“I can tell said one!”

“But a fish you must throw?”

“I have no fish!” said the keeper to know

So the seal then under the water did go!


“Oh where oh where can the elephant be?

And she is so big, for me to see!”

“Has she been stolen?”

“Has she then gone?”

“Oh Bessie Boo! Please come along?”


He asked the Zebras, where she might be,

But they raced away with their stripes to see!


He asked the parrots.

“Do you know where?” 

But the parrots replied,

“We don’t give a care!”

So the Keeper did sit and he did cry!

For he could not find her,

However he tried?


But all at once!

When his heart was sunk,

He felt a cuddle from a big grey trunk!

The elephant there, right by his side,

To hide and seek, it had then tried.


So cuddle and pat upon on the head,

The Keeper did warn in kind, and said!

“Don’t ever hide from me so then,

Or no buns for your tea!

Not ever again!”

Details | I do not know? | |

Cat the Bounty Hunter

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm a bounty hunter and my name is Cat.
But people don't give a man respect with a name like that.
I called myself Dog at first but I didn't realize that name was stolen.
The real Dog beat me senseless and my face is still swollen.
Bailjumpers always kick my butt when I try to bring them in.
I made a pass at Dog's wife and he beat the hell out of me again.
When I tried to bring a man in yesterday, he hit me in the balls with a bat.
He hit them so hard that he mashed them flat.
They look like two tiny pancakes and they're bruised.
Being a bounty hunter wasn't a good career for me to choose.

Details | Rhyme | |

Get Out!

Get out!
Don’t come back!
It was over when we started.
You don’t want me!
Let the door hit you,
Where the good Lord split you!
Hit the road Jack,
And don’t you come back!
I don’t care if you sleep
In a car, cardboard box, or a shack.
Get out!
You sorry sucker! 
I want a better lover.
Get the hell out!

wrote 11-20-09

Details | Rhyme | |

Last Night

 Last night I forgot to love you, and you weren't 
 in my dreams
 I didn't feel your arms around me, as funny as
 it seems
 Last night I forgot to miss you, and my heart 
 felt just fine
 I didn't want to hear your voice, since you are 
 no longer mine
 Last night I forgot your smile, and the funny things
 you used to do
 I didn't have to pretend to be happy, since I know
 longer love you
 Last night I forgot how good it felt just to have 
 you there 
 I didn't have to think of the times I knew you'd 
 always care
 Last night I forgot you had my heart at one time,
 even if no one ever knew
 I didn't want to believe I could hurt, since there is 
 no me and you 
 Because I didn't want to remember you told me we should 
 just be friends 
 I didn't act like pain absorbed me, though I wonder 
 if my heart will ever mend

Details | Epitaph | |

Toupee or not toupee

(This is a fictional poem)

I lost a lot of hair and I wore a toupee.
But a freak gust of wind blew it off my head yesterday.
I couldn't afford a new toupee so I wore my cat on my head.
I thought it would fool people but it made them laugh instead.
When I saw that people knew that my cat wasn't a toupee, my face turned red.
That darn cat scratched, bit and even ____ on my head.

Details | Burlesque | |

Death in a Stairwell

I couldn’t wait to eat lunch with you tomorrow
But now my heart is filled with sorrow
The world has violently taken you away
I watched as you crashed to the stairwell floor
As your innards were sprawled all over the tile
The red stain will remind me of this cursed night
The night your life was ended
I just wish our time together wasn’t so brief
It is filling me with grief,
As I think of the memories we will never be able to share
I can barely take the thought of you not being there,
When I awake in the morning
So I will stand here in mourning
I will grieve over this world’s loss of ageless beauty
I will grieve over my loss of the one I dreamt of tasting in sweet bliss
I will grieve over you, the one I am sorely missing
I just wish I knew “why?”
Why cruel world?! Why?!
What did my sandwich ever do to deserve to die?

Details | I do not know? | |

Fireworks mishaps

(This is a fictional poem)

On July the 4th I decided to light a firecracker with my cigarette.
It was something I soon lived to regret.
I accidentally threw my cigarette to the ground and put the firecracker in my mouth.
It exploded and all of my teeth came flying out.
After lighting a roman candle, the contents came down and burned off my hair.
Now my head is bald and scorched and everybody stares.
A bottle rocket flew up my shorts and blew off one of my nads.
Now I walk with a cane and I sure am mad.
I'm bald, sterile and I can no longer taste.
I'm not the man I used to be. What a waste.

Details | I do not know? | |

all dad's fault

so i have the farts , the farts i say
big one little one , won't go away.
nasty farts smelly farts , i have the farts
in my sharts...i say my sharts
cuz it rhymes with farts instead of shorts
which i guess rhymes in sorts
with my nasty little port .

my _ss my _ss, it burns from the gas.
the gas it stinks , the gas turns to shats
i shat my sharts , i did i did.
i shat in the floor i shat in my bid.
i say bid cuz it rhymes with did. i pay
respects to the porcelain god , i pray
i spray , i shat , i moan , today..
tomorrow i sh_t and groan to my dismay.

it hurt , it hurt , it stank like hell
held my nose , couldn't stand the smell
it stank , it was rank ..really bad
it hurt my feelings and made me mad
so sad so sad i really am sad
for all that sh_t i had to shad.
i say shad cuz it rhymes with sad
since it ran in my jeans , i guess i'll blame dad.

Details | Rhyme | |

Your Four Tires

You have made me so very fierce, 
So your car tires, I now will pierce; 

To find you car then, yes I must
Tire by tire, my knife to thrust; 

With an ice pick, should I swing, 
From your tires, be some air leaking; 

They may even give a 'hissssss', 
All four tires, I will not miss; 

Loudly can the tire blast, 
Loss of air will be so fast; 

A loud 'pop' might be the sound, 
Quick, your rims will hit the ground; 

And each tire I give a blow, 
Will make the sound of air letting go; 

May even give 'em a second slice, 
Cause you'll be paying the replacement price; 

Them four tires, I can so easily stick, 
And you won't catch me, I'll do it quick; 

It's your four tires that I plan to poke, 
And I want you to know this is no joke.

Details | I do not know? | |

Money tree

(This is a fictional poem)

One day a man came to my house with a seed.
I decided to buy it because of my greed.
The man said it would grow into a money tree.
When I told people, they said they're glad they're not as stupid as me.
The tree didn't grow and I cussed and hollered.
That seed cost me ten thousand dollars.
People say that my brain is as small as a pig's.
But a CAT scan showed that it's not even half that big.

Details | Ballad | |


She came to me by air
Milky white skin, long blonde hair
She promises me I will never be lonely again
I have her to love, I have a best friend
We shall never argue over petty things
With her there, the house will always be clean
Then one day Dana shows up at my front steps
Petite young lady, green eyes and a brunette
I realize by the end of the day
Madeline would just be in the way
That evening, I show Madeline to the door
I tell her I don't love her anymore
The next morning I realize what I have done
When I chose Dana over Madeline, I chose the wrong one
I leave Dana at the house to go find Madeline
While searching for her, I tell myself, this can't be the end
After days of searching, I find her in a second hand store
I approach to convince her, she's the one I adore
The looks I get as I give her a hug and a kiss
As I tell of my favorite things and she is at the top of the list
So we leave together to go back home
A bottle of wine, steak and disconnect the phone
Today I have to send both lovelies back to prostatic friends and lovers 
Dana will not return to me, to get a refund for her has made me frustrated
However, Madeline will be refurbished and returned to me like new
My Madeline, blonde hair and eyes of crystal blue

Details | Free verse | |

Uninspired Still

I wanted my muse to dance with me
but I was just handed a bouquet
of artificial flowers.

Now what am I supposed to do with that!

Sheila Kathryn Barrera

Details | Free verse | |

The Answers Still No

Let the waitress put the chair up.
And th glasses tha tyou broke.
To keep us in the moment.
Tomorrow we'll smell like smoke.
You can come around if you really want.
When your hair looks new agin.
And you're the one you love again.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Back a thome on his white bed.
Forget how hard it's been to you.
Let your face go to your head.
His blue bandana over his hair looks stupid, but I...
Yeah, it's still cool.
And I know you're the better Jedi.
Protect our secret once more. With feeling.
You said the handcuffs left you sore.
But you never got around to leaving. 
It occurrs to me that all my favorite stories have 
Really great happy endings.
Why cuts aren't healing. 
We liked this game; Muddy handprints on my jeans.
I was the one standing outside in the pouring rain--glad that you mentioned it.
Where did you put last summer? This will never be the same.
Somedays I'm just a mess. ANd I can't pick up th ephone
Can't get dressed alone.
Did you cut his hair like that?
When did you stop being so entertaining?
I still don't know the color of your ryes even though you stare.
I'm over it now.
And believe me guys, I've checked-
There's nothing under there. 

Details | Quatrain | |

The Vacant Eye

Blinded as a child, 
by a rock thrown at my eye
The pain was great, I'd demonstrate, 
but I'd hate to make you cry
I found a marble on the street
and figured it would do
Popped it in that vacancy
so I could stare at you
Now 'scuse me sir, it's rude to gawk
at someone else's head
even if my real eye's green
and the other crimson red.
Beggar's can't be choosers,
that's what I've always known
This shiny red is better still
than just plain hollow bone
Now turn away and eat your soup
you perfect featured fellow
Be glad your eyes are real and match-
They could be blue and yellow...

Details | I do not know? | |

Gone hunting

(This is a fictional poem)

My friend and I went hunting but it wasn't fun. 
He accidentally blew off my balls with his gun.
He started laughing and I told him to shut up.
He took a dump behind a bush and a rattlesnake bit his butt.
He begged me to suck out the poison but I refused to suck his ___.
He needed someone to suck it and he needed it fast.
Someone agreed to suck his ___ if he'd pay him one hundred thousand dollars.
He agreed but you should've heard how much he cussed and hollered.
He had to sell his house and it makes him feel sick.
But he doesn't have it as bad as me, I'm a eunuch.
He has a big cardboard box that he lives in.
The two of us agreed never to go hunting again.

Details | I do not know? | |

To many pills

Idislike this long hike, on this rusty old bike
I sick of this 
I dislike these training wheels, all these hills
To  many pills
meth kills , over due bills
Every friend i have steels
too many pills 
tooth decay, so the dentist drills 
cavity fills
all these deals 
scatter brained, and bong water spills
take a brake, give back what you take 
your a fake 
my mistake
your self you make 
stay awake 
stay awake
piece of cake heart brake the more I give the more you take
I draw a blank
empty tank
too many pills over due bills everyone I know deals
and Im trapped

Details | I do not know? | |

Going berserk over a Playstation 3

(This is a fictional poem)

I stood in a long line at Wal-mart to get a Playstation 3.
But they sold out and something snapped in me.
I started smashing everything around.
I darn nearly brought the entire store down.
I broke all of their cups and I smashed every dish.
Then I took a bat and smashed the tanks with the fish.
Going berserk wasn't a good decision that I chose.
A salesclerk told me to stop and I shoved a goldfish up his nose.
I smashed all of their DVD players and every TV.
The cops were on their way to arrest me.
When the police arrived, they knocked me to the floor.
They beat me with their sticks and I sure am sore.
Now I'll be in jail for five years.
If I hadn't gone crazy, I wouldn't be here.

Details | Burlesque | |

Dialing God's Number

I'm phoning the Lord,
I hope he picks up,
I must register a complaint,
About something that ain't,
For me, no over-runneth cup,

My lawyer ran away,
With what money I had,
And I treated him so well
That weasely old cad...

Yes, turns out my lawyer was bad,
Left me here broken, crying
 hopeless, and terribly sad...

I got a busy signal,
Would expect little less,
It's true of my life, 
I've made such a mess...

Ten minutes later
 I tried once again,
And my luck held, bad
as it usually does
Bad luck, not good,
it always appears was

This time I cried,
Out loud, thoughts
turned quite obscene,
Seems I am the first one
to get God's answering

Details | I do not know? | |

Last Words Part 1

You were my hero. I thought as long as I had you by my side, I could do anything. 
Then slowly I realized I lost myself in the storm. You took over, there was nothing 
left of who I use to be. I slowly left everybody that matter to me. I thought you were 
more important than anybody. I was willing to give you anything and I did. I gave 
you my life. You may not realize it, but I did. I know now that there will never be me 
again. I let you use me against myself. I told you my secrets and my fears and 
you use them against me. The funny thing is even though all the signs were 
there I would not’t believe it. I thought it was everyone else’s fault. I thought you 
will never hurt me. I thought you will protect me from everything. You said you love 
me and you would not’t let anything happen to me. You said that as long as I 
stayed by your side and love you, that nothing bad will ever happen. I did 
everything you told me, yet now I know that all you said were lies. I lay here on the 
floor bleeding from my wrist. Slowly everything is disappearing. The funny thing is 
I don’t believe I’m dying. I believe is just another door closing. My life had been 
over long before the blood ever hit the floor. My life was over the moment I let you 
take over me. All this now is just the proof to what was already been there. My last 
words to you are, did you appreciate the gift I gave you that I never was able to 
take back.

Details | I do not know? | |

Radiator hose

(This poem is partially true)

My friend put a radiator hose in his pants and people thought he was well-
He seemed to grow over night and women wondered how.
He appeared to have a very big johnson and this was what many women 
But the ladies raised hell when they learned that they were being deceived.
He had women chasing him because they wanted to get him in the sack.
But a man came and told my friend that he wanted his radiator hose back.
When he pulled it out of his pants, the ladies attacked him.
They were really pissed because he didn't have what attracted them.
In reality his penis was only two inches long.
After they beat the crap out of him, they cut off his tiny schlong.
One of his attackers said he deserved what he got and most of the women agree.
Now my friend has to sit on the toilet when he pees.

Details | Free verse | |


it's difficult / yoursatisfaction / set out to succeed based on medical reaction ------
LAUGHTER IS THE CURE!! / the world --- to the god --- is but annoyance / itch /
turning the fur. _______ / your bane = my beauty. just let me remind you precisely
how skepticism is turned into / silence. / electric ---- shock _______ the earth is/
a floating rock. / tell me, mister teacher, ____________ why am i here? the devil
told me just yesterday ____________ that he got sent to haydeez cuz he didn't / 
find / god's little joke of life __________ a laughing matter. but we / nowadays /
we are MAD AS A HATTER we are OFF OUR ROCKER we are / me & you /
infinitely adventuring __ looking for Never. caught in the moment, majesty turns /
as if torn between quarreling roads & lets her weary features become blank ____
baffled. / chance? / deliberation? / she turns to the nation & smiles & throws the 
to the crowd _______ & runs for dear life. / hate ___ embodied ___ we saw it /
masquerading as everyone _______ else ___ / YOU CAN FAIL, YOU CAN 
FAIL ____________ BUT AT LEAST WE CAN SAY / WE / TRIED. the child
cried between particles of (thiswillberegressed) ________ / backwards denial /
_______ they admitted themselves to be the culprits / moments before their
planted bomb _____________________________________________ 

Details | I do not know? | |

Drag racing

(This is a fictional poem)

The car I bought wasn't as fast as the previous owner said.
I'm going to kick his ___ and give him some serious wounds to his head.
I raced the car last night and I bet the pink slip.
The other guy blew me off the road, what a jip.
When he demanded my keys, he and I had some words.
I told him to go to hell and then I gave him the bird.
He has big muscles as well as a car that's fast.
When I gave him the finger, he kicked my ___.
I put bruises on his hands when he put bruises on my face.
That's the last time that I'll drag race.

Details | I do not know? | |

Nintendo Wii Part 2

(This is a fictional poem)

Those two japanese guys came to my house and asked to play my Wii.
They chose the wrong time to come visit me.
I kicked both of their _____ and I smashed the windows in their car.
By the time I got through, they had wounds that will leave scars.
After I beat them up, they ran to their car and drove away.
That's the last time they'll go to a person's house and ask to play.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Searching For My Widget

I've been looking around all day,
For my widget I'd put away,
Somehow don't remember where,
And this torment I'd like to share,

Has anyone seen my widget?
Stolen by some evil midget?
Can you hear it's timer ticking?
Or smell it's odor sickening?

Do you think it ran off on its own,
And on a widget airline flown,
To Widgetsville, USA,
To start a brand new way...

Aaww, shoot, I guess I'll
need to buy another,
And swear upon my mother,
The next widget will 
be well tied down,
So I don't have to frown..

When another widget 
escapes from me,
To bring me more

Details | I do not know? | |

He ate all of the doughnuts

(This is a fictional poem)

He ate all twelve doughnuts and I got none.
He said he did it because doing me dirty was lots of fun.
He was sorry when I started punching him in the face.
I had to put this jerk in his place.
The things he did were beyond belief.
He won't eat my doughnuts again because he has no teeth.

Details | I do not know? | |

Tea & A

(I got the idea for this fictional poem from MAD TV.)

When I went to a cafe, it really made my day.
Five young ladies work there, I was surrounded by T & A.
The ladies served me tea and they weren't wearing tops.
When I saw this, my heart damn nearly stopped.
Those topless ladies give pleasure to a lot of men.
But if my wife finds out, I won't ever pee standing up again.

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

You are nothing but a swine.
You stole a bottle of my best wine.
It cost me $5000 and you plan to drink it while you dine.
But you'll have to gum your food after I pound you with these fists of mine.
This time you've crossed the line.
I'm going to cut off your balls and tear out your spine.

Details | I do not know? | |

Driving on the left

(This is a fictional poem)

While visiting England, I had to get used to driving on the left side of the highway.
I accidentally drove on the left when I returned to the USA.
I had a wreck and I almost totaled a limousine.
When I saw that the owner was a woman, I thought I'd get off easy but she was 
very mean.
She had sharp fingernails and she gouged them into my gut.
Then she took a rusty pair of tweezers and tore off my nuts.
She smashed my head on the asphalt about seven or eight times.
I'm in so much pain that I'm having trouble making this poem rhyme.
Compassion wasn't something that this woman showed.
If you and this lady are ever on the same highway, you'd better drive on the right 
side of the road.

Details | I do not know? | |

I want more caviar

(This is a fictional poem)

You beat the crap out of me just because I sold your car.
I sold it so that I could buy some caviar.
I lost all of my money and I can no longer afford caviar because I'm poor.
I just sold all of your clothes so that I can buy some more. 
I wish you'd stop kicking my ___ just because I sell your stuff.
It's hard to believe that a priest can be that rough.