These Husband Funny poems are examples of Funny poems about Husband. These are the best examples of Husband Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets
BLACK and BLUE
Today I wonder,
You hit me in the eye,
you made me cry.
My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?
My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?
My teeth are white,
I just lost three,
Is that what I get over a little fight?
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited,
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops
Lemme tell ya' about a
I met her one night
under disco lights
up at Candies
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see
if I wanted a piece
by way of flashin' granny panties
actin' a fool
took a shot
and one tiny glance
but got caught
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"
"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl"
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"
Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to
"Get this he/she outta the place!"
My pleas were to no avail,
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail
Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked,
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
to hit the bricks,
and yir' Granny Panties!"
At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me
I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!
It's a night I thought would never end...
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!
There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
A DINNER INVESTMENT (for Eve)
My husband Chris Adams always wines and dines me.
In the most expensive places one can eat.
Arriving in LIMO style.
Waiting upon the waiters greet.
Viewing the menu I reply, "Hun I am ready to order."
1 T-bone steak, fully cook the meat.
At our table, walked a gorgeous snake eyed women.
Who leaned over my husband's seat
Approaching my Chris with a big wet kiss.
I stomp my husband on his feet.
Giving him the look when I get pissed.
She slithers with her tongue into my Adams ear and whispers
"Later, go to that hotel where we always meet"
With one stare I yell, "Chris how could you cheat!"
"I had enough, I want a divorce MR.ADAMS!"
Slapping him in the moment of heat.
He replies, "She is my mistress Bath-Sheba my dear EVE!"
"I do not love her my sweet."
"I understand if you want a divorce!" Mr. Adams replied.
"Remember, no more furs, luxury suite, Winters in Barbados,
Summers in Tuscany."
"Infinity or Lexus, and first class plane seats."
"Forget about the Yacht Club."
"Party by the swimming pool of one hundred feet."
"It is up to you my Kitty Skat Eve to give it all up."
"You decide if these diamonds you want to keep."
Without thinking of taking a leap.
I see Mr. Adams business partner Cain with a Jezebel in his arms.
I ask my husband Chris in a small peep.
"Do not tell me that Cain commits Adultery to?"
"Cain's blond looks really cheap, as if she works the street."
"Well, our mistress is prettier, and looks real sweet."
"Honey our mistress Bath-Sheba is worth the keep."
"Mr. Adams tonight you can call me Steve and not Eve,
What ever it takes to satisfy your needs, and my gold lust!"
(The moral of the story is what some Eve's will do to keep their investment,
I mean Adam's.) A joke and dedication to the most blunt Poet
Of the soup, Chris D. Aechtner
For THE Eve in Eden* (Contest) *
He walks into the room each day at six
As around their Dad all five children mix
He smiles at them with glee
Meantime he sneers at me
So I get prepared to take all his licks
“What have you been doing all day?” he asks
No appreciation for all my tasks
“Washed clothes and changed diapers
Don’t need any gripers”
This insensitive father wears two masks
Each morning his breakfast is served on time
Later, vodka collins are served with lime
He never shops for food
Says my cooking’s no good
And when he bathes, the tub is filled with grime
My Mom said, “Men just work from sun to sun,
But a woman’s housework is never done”
I found a new game plan
A hearty, handsome man
Together, my husband we could outrun
May 25, 2012
*Entry for David’s 3 H contest
~~~~ Snore !! No More !! ~~~~
He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She glared at his sleeping back
wanting to push him out of bed.
She covered her ears with a pillow
trying to block out the sound.
An evil thought ran though her head,
"There were no witnesses around".
She crept out to the kitchen
She could have stomped ... he wouldn't hear.
With the largest butcher knife
she returned to her husband dear..
Right between his shoulder blades,
one thrust ... he snored no more.
She gathered the blankets around him
to keep the blood off the white shag floor.
Then the snoring started again.
She let out a startled scream
and sat bolt upright in her bed.
It had all been just a dream.
He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She stared at his sleeping back
and wanted to punch him in the head.
Forty years of married life, the couple set out to celebrate
Fine dining beautiful wine, and a waltz with stumbling gait
Turning to her husband she demands for him to remember details
Quickly he answers, “Yes darling, your beautiful dress, my hat and tails.”
He walked beside her hand in hand she notices a tear drop that falls
Thinking he’s sentimental she demands to know what he does recall
Sighing wistfully looking at the stars he tells her, it was before they did wed
Your father had a shotgun, he said if I didn’t turn up I'd wish I was dead.
“Why do you remember that, is there nothing more romantic you can say?”
The virago of a wife demands more memories of the wedding day…
The husband sighs “He said he would send me to jail for forty years at the very least“
I just had a thought, if I hadn’t married you, tomorrow would be my day of release……
Entry for Laughter The Best Medicine sponsored by Vie
Being stuck in a traffic jam
I was shocked to see
A sticker in the window
of a car in front of me:
It held a lurid message
Of dark and deep despair;
Ex husband locked in the boot
Open it if you dare.
I laughed a bit, then paused for thought!
What if it really were true,
How do I know theres nothing there?
If I did, What would I do?
I decided I would follow her
Then take a peek inside'
After all you don’t post a note
Of what you wish to hide!
I opened the boot cautiously
And much to my surprise!
A jack-in-the-box sprung out
and hit me between the eyes.
I now know why the boots are up
In the car sales sites I pass:
It confirms no husbands are in them
Who’ve been poisoned shot or gassed.
Robert Cartwright-Davidson (RabCD)
Shrunken sweaters, dusty ball caps
Tarnished silver, and hedge clippers
Pointed hat pins, gaudy jewelry
Faded jeans and worn out slippers
Greasy fry pan, wobbly table
Crates of dog-eared musty books
Tattered doilies, ragged Barbies
One brown old crock pot that still cooks
Rusty shovel, dented buckets
Ma's old apron, broken dishes
Dated calendar, crooked lampshade
Chipped glass bowl for all your fishes
Ugly painting, candle holders
One old bike for exercising
Broken TV, toaster oven
Doesn't work....it's not surprising!
What's the point?" our husbands mutter
While we fill the garage with clutter
I explain to him..."She buys mine, and I buy hers"
"What's the point of shopping stores??!"
"Now...don't you know the grass is greener?"
"OH GOOD!" "She's bought my vacuum cleaner!"
Just then I point across the street!!
Another yard sale.....and we both shriek!!
He points at me and shakes his fist
But I'll just ignore and toss a kiss
And side by side I'm in a race...
Who gets there first will buy that vase!!
Whoopee!!! I spy a broken chair...well, I can glue it!
Just hope she doesn't beat me to it!
Another point about my purchase
Perhaps I can use it for another purpose
Oh No!!...he's found old tool collections!!
And points at them with great affection!!
The point I'm making is simply this
Another's person's trash or junk, may soon become your bliss!
During their courting days into her limpid eyes he would gaze.
When in his arms his many charms set her very soul ablaze!
The sweet nothings once whispered when they would bill and coo,
Became table-thumping screaming matches once they said, "I Do!"
BEFORE: My dearest one, you take my very breath away!
AFTER: I feel like I am suffocating - now get out of my way!
BEFORE: You have a divine figure akin to that of a Grecian figurine!
AFTER: You there, with the beer belly! To call me obese is obscene!
BEFORE: I can hardly believe we were lucky enough to find each other!
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you! Oh, brother!
BEFORE: Honey, I don't have much money but I promise to get you some!
AFTER: Take a look around this dump! Go and find a job you no good bum!
BEFORE: Tonight it's a show and then to the Ritz for oysters on the shell!
AFTER: Fish sticks with beer and wrestling on TV again tonight! Oh, hell!
BEFORE: Without you, my darling, it is as if time was standing still!
AFTER: This relationship isn't going anywhere except straight downhill!
BEFORE: Sweetheart, our marriage will always be one of equal partnership!
AFTER: You are nothing but a controlling, egomaniac you big drip!
BEFORE: On our fiftieth wedding anniversary you'll still be my bride!
AFTER: Well, we finally made it to our fiftieth but it's been a rocky ride!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
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