1. My ex-girlfriend tried to impress me when
She told me that she is "Fasting"! And I knew
That she was true because, I saw just how
Fast she ate that basket of chicken.......
2. The next time that she told me that she was "Fasting"
It was three (03) double meat Whoppers! And I have never
Seen three (03) double meat Whoppers go so quicK......
3. My ex-girlfriend was so upset! She explained that when
She was young that she could bounce a dime
Off of her butt. Only now, when she bounce the same dime
It only flops!
So, I looked on the bright side and told her that now she can
Bounce a quarter on her belly button and it only drops!
4. The last time that I saw her, she was "Fasting" on a
box of cookies.
* And boy, those (03) box's of cookies sure went fast!
Explanation: That is none sence and no one got fat in the making of this pun!
4. I just hate it when my ex-girlfriend call's me! Usually I keep my
cell phone on vibrate and in my front pocket. My EX-friend
Know's this. She also, know's that I have a bladder problem! Every time
she blow's up my phone it make's me pee!
I know that I hate it, but she give's me such a warm feeling and I take
what I can get!
5. My ex-girlfriend is so stupid that she can't ever give me a piece of
her mind! She has to get an substitute..... Ha! Ha! Ha! He, He, He!
6.My ex-girlfriend, She alway's cut me short!........ She wanted to give
me a piece of her mind, buy, she didn't have enough brain cell's left! Ha! Ha!
Feel the Joke! Uh!
1. When you "Pass Gas" and you know you did........
And no-body heard it........ Is it proper to wait for someone
to smell it first, before you say, excuse me..........
Is it really too late....... That is what my girlfriend doe's!
* I would just blame it on a friend!
Moments To Share:
My ex-girl friend and I were discussing a poem that I wrote! She told
me that it was an perfect oxymoron.......
I told her that she was just a moron!
Words' To Live by:
I was trying to explaine my mis-giving's to my EX-girlfriend......
I told her that the problem was, not that I really love you, because
I don't! The problem is that I just can't get you out of my mind!
I do not know?
I hate it when I'm
told to do
This damn thing
And I hate it
When I don't do it
And am made to
feel a rat!
So what is it that
I hate much more
To do or not to do?
The former is within myself
The latter within me, too!
Today I am going to hop my way to my brother.
To tell him how I feel about not being together.
I thought I could be so kind.
I saw him by the road side and I was blind.
I could just end it all by now.
Today I tried a cow.
It really was hard to do.
Then I hired a semi crew.
I watched carefully, darn he is fast!
My name is Happy ?, I'm Easter's brother who is sad.
He painted eggs that made me jealous and bad.
I hopped one day and he threw an egg at me.
My heart became really cold that memory was key.
I finally thought of it an accident really is going to happen.
Happy Easter is going to be laugh-en.
Good to see you, I said to a mystery man.
I was told not to associate with any human.
It was my last resort.
The man had a sports car a beautiful sort.
I was desperate, now, I'm in a bunny court.
One more alien... an extra terrestrial. Bloody foreigners.
im livin in a world, where all eyes on me.
trying to curve my own route.
but route 66 keeps finding its way to me.
ive been plenty sick, in all the events layed before me.
even when i reflect to my lowest points
i dont regret any of the choices
That I’ve deployed in my era
A lot of it by error, but hey
We live in hell conditions and there ain’t no air condition
Or any guidelines when life throws you in the sidelines
But when hindsight twenty twenty hits
You’ll begin to understand life’s a bunch of equations and you in the mix of it
An you’ll have to think twice, before running into a situation and becoming the best of it
it’s what got me here, it’s what got us here
Ran with my thoughts blazing up to her place and
Guess what happened next
She opened up heaven’s gate
And just before late I slipped out
I’m a Grown ass man
Doin his thing, waitin to blow up like an old land mine
In doin what he drools over
But time after time
Something decides to creep up and cover the light
Lost my way
Then I revoked to ever know, I ever thought that way
But in the in between time, that in the mean time
Spent a lot of time
Gettin pissed off just to medicate and lift off
Don’t need Don Perion to sip off
Already had my way with the bottle
Even thought to get back with the trouble and rejoin the hustle
That’s just what happens to a man who really knows his old ways
Whos tired of making ends meet and ponders getting back to the streets.
Memory sets in and he remembers an O.G. saying
No matter how tall your pockets stand when you ball
Eventually times gonna make you fall
And I as I pull myself together
I don’t wanna end up like the twin towers rubble
I mean no offence to nine eleven but at that time I probably could have used a reverend
But all that’s irrelevant now
because i live with a different perspective now
there you go you made it to the end :-) comment if you like, constructive criticism wanted as well.
I hate being sick,
I don't do it well.
My private pity party
Is going just swell.
I cough and I sneeze,
My nose is running away.
I've taken my cold meds
Trying to keep it at bay.
I hate having a cold
And feeling so weak.
At least this fever
Has reached it's peak.
I must end this poem now,
You know how it goes.
It's time to get up again
And go blow my nose.
There's a person you'd like to curse,
so a voodoo doll, then make first;
Upon that doll now cast a spell,
summoned from the wicked in hell;
Now you need some pins and needles,
bring the pain of pitch forked devils;
The length of pins make sure are long,
the devils pain will be more strong;
The more a needle's thick and round,
will make the pain be more profound;
Must take your victims' lock of hair,
attach it to the doll to wear;
The doll, up high, hold in the air,
Into the doll's eyes, you must stare;
Call the doll by your victims name,
while at the doll, the needle aim;
Curse the name as you stab it in,
twisting and turn it as you grin;
With needles stuck about the head,
each needle deeply did embed;
With legs, all over, stuck with pins,
you now must wish the curse begins.
I hate shopping
but when I go shopping
I know what I’m looking for
I go to the right store
I go to the right floor
I grab it
they bag it
and I am out the door
Shopping is an awful chore
Let's lose weight,
Let's discover the
yin and yang of
protein and complex
It's never too late
to let your
corporeal fat eat
So let's lose
Then, let's look
And discover your
Let's lose weight.
Because it's the
only way - to lose
Let's deflate your
Let's drain away
Sight the edacity: I
snack, I die.
Chant: For I am
Spirit, pure and
eternal..For I am
Spirit, pure and
Let's lose weight.
Really utilise your
The flashing lights,
the tingling arms?
shapes to burglar
Perhaps, a smidgen
of self harm?
If it ain't
It's a positive
thing to focus there
It's not easy to
lose weight -
Especially when you
refuse to lose
No, we mustn't allow
Scale away your
Stare yourself down,
reflecting off your
Speed-read all my
of my shapely New
Allow me to melt
away your pizza
Gracefully fade you
to your sculpted
Unsuicide bomb those
spare tyres with
stomach with tender
wires - see above.
Let's lose weight.
And strike your
And you'll soon
your swooning lover,
And how the sweet
mirror shall melt of
Be like a sliver of
As svelte as the
skin of flowing
Skim through the air
like a flying
Deposing ounces, you
Let's lose weight.
You can do it!
..For I am Spirit,
pure and eternal..
for more humorous
I hate the way you make me feel guilty about being jealous when other girls hit on you,
I hate the way you can go forever without even seeing or talking to me when your friends are around,
but expect me to drop everything to talk to you when you want my attention.
I hate how you're so happy at times and I'm so sad,
I hate how you treated me like *****but yet I'm the one feeling bad.
I hate how I feel so weak and you're so strong,
I hate how you think you do no wrong.
I hate how you pretend that everythings okay,
I hate how you took my innocence away and act sometimes like it ment nothing.
I hate how I feel so scared,
I hate how I how fast I feel in love with you without a fighting chance.
I hate the way you look at me and just know when something is wrong.
I hate how everything we have means nothing to everybody else
I hate the way I feel inside,
I hate the nights I spent alone and cried.
I hate how everything seems wrong,
I hate the feeling of wanting to belong.
I hate how you're always in my head,
I hate everything mean you have ever said.
I hate wondering how you really feel about me,
I hate how you try to go out with certin friends you feel like you have to lie
I hate how when your job takes you away for long times I left with alone and want to do nothing but cry
I hate it how you can just come in and out of my life and feel like everything is alright
while I am the one that has to put up with the problems, family and drama every night
But most of all I hate the way I can't stop thinking about you, and I hate it even more because I know you know its true
All these thing don't make me really hate you,
It just makes me lust you more an more and it feeds my wanting you right down to the core
My goodness, how rude can one get?
I haven’t even finished speaking yet.
Your uncaring interruption,
has ruined my thought construction.
Now I have to put my thoughts on the shelf.
Couldn’t you see I was talking to myself ?!
And when I ask you to look for my keys,
Don’t make me beg on my knees.
I hate it when you laugh to beat the band,
Just because you see them in my hand!
And last week when I asked you to find my phone,
Your unkind remark cut me to the bone.
You said “you are losing your mind I fear.,
What’s that thing on your ear?”
It just isn’t nice, no matter how true it rings,
Accusing me of always losing things!
I just hate that quirk about you!!
Hey,.. you seen my other shoe?
Oh lonely Inevitable Bear,
Padding claws, death in white
Sorrow in recurring nightmare
Instinct’s test; fight or flight?
Camouflage against the fence,
A challenge; my subconscious fear
Ominous slowly moving silence,
“Let me in, there’s a bear out here!”
A friend advised "Cheer up, buddy, and don't be blue",
strange of him to say that just when I was feeling low.
I was thinking, what was so colorful about being sad,
only showed his English vocabulary was awfully bad.
"Don't vote for Obama, he is untested and green",
how come, I wondered, when he clearly got black skin.
It can't be that he descended from leaves or something,
darn it, I'm linguistically challenged and confused again.
Down with a flu virus I was told to take plenty of orange,
that crazy doctor must really be kinda stupid or dense.
He couldn't have meant dyeing my few remaining hair,
unless that weirdo was moonlighting as a hairdresser.
Once, running scared from a fight, I was called yellow,
I did not get it, maybe because I'm a Chinese mestizo?
At home my amazon wife who learned about the run-in
promptly served for dinner a whole piece of chicken.
"Why chicken," I asked, "when you know I'm a vegetarian?"
"You earned it, sissy, when away from that fight you ran!"
"You're deep," I said, "I don't get what you mean, honey,"
to which she replied "Just finish your dinner, turkey!"
Hm, different colors, then chicken followed by a turkey,
I'd never understand these things until my dying day.
Damn that English language putting me in this mess,
better shift to Arabic, Tagalog, French or Cantonese.
I know the Maid of Honour’s duties do not include a speech,
But looking at the perfect Bride, a vision in gold... and peach,
I couldn’t let the moment pass, without the chance to say,
How perfect for each other you are, on this your wedding day.
We’ve been friends forever, in school you were a brat,
But now you’re older, more mature and getting rather fat!
I know you really hate me; the proof is in the dress,
This thing you chose to put me in, it really is a mess!
Bows and ruffles everywhere, however could you think,
That a mature twenty eight year old could pull off vivid pink?
I know your gown is hideous, but even with that said,
There’s still no reason why the other bridesmaids are in red.
It’s clear to all that your wish for me was just to look a show,
And as it is your special day, I thought I’d let it go.
You’d always seemed to find it hard to find the perfect man,
You sat and watched all of your friends find theirs and formed a plan.
You tried it on with who they’d found until you had a date.
And so you lost a fair few friends? You’d found yourself a mate!
And in the groom you’ve found a man who over flows with love,
And through the trials that lie ahead, he’ll help you rise above.
With hugs and kisses he’ll shower you and have a few to spare,
In fact I saw him earlier, canoodling with Claire!
Honey, don’t react like that, he’s a jerk, I know it’s true,
But remember that you first hooked up, at our engagement do.
A leopard cannot change its spots, or so the proverb says,
And you told me you only married him for money anyway!
But then again you always were a shallow two-faced cow,
And why on earth should you decide to change your ways right now?
So ladies and gentlemen please join me, raise a glass,
To the spiteful two-faced Bride, and her two-timing Ass!
MY BEST BAD CHOICE
Was a time --not long ago
When you begged me sweet and low
“Cast your net upon the sea
Quickly,darling, marry me!”
My heart caught
and in a minute
My life was soup
And I was in it
A fair eyed man means dangerous shores
& I'm adrift-- mid rocks galore
On a current, flashing fins
You cast your line--
And hook sweet sins
And, at work you cannot think
When fishy eyes blink out a wink
Even friends are not off limits
When tides wash in the vodka gimlets
Do I hate you, yes, I could
Do I hate you, no, I should
A straying man on marriage seas
When asked to re-chart his course
He usually stomps and screams “divorce”
Mixing metaphors and such
Keeps the critics out of ruts
Straying husbands/shagging rabbits
Cannot/willnot change their habits.
Oct 10, 2012
I Hate It
I hate it when you’re acting like a brat,
I hate it when you don’t care.
I hate it when you’re screaming like a cat,
I hate it when you’re not being fair.
I hate it when things go crazy between us,
I hate it when we don’t talk.
I hate it when you say nasty things and cuss,
I hate it when instead of listening you mock.
I hate the way your friends back you up,
I hate the way they hate me when they should not.
I hate the way you lie a little and start acting like a pup,
I hate the way people look at you when you dress up hot.
I hate the way we make up and make sweet promises,
I hate the way we break them and start fighting again.
I hate the way you don’t respond to my kisses,
I hate the way we have to do this every now and then.
She exists for a man only
He achieved what a man can
That of trying a trick abstractly
She easily got henned in hand!
Decisions are tough, exclaimed she aloud
Life in love is not easy
He, a rose in hand, proud
Rose up to a plane above
She, a tender one with exalt
Thought of love as sincere admiration
Found out the abrupt truth, abomination!
Her only precious asset his inspiration
Her own body, as sexy asphalt!
Come 'ere kitty eyes so green
Tell me why you're so dang mean
Climbin' curtins and the walls
Midnight rampage through the halls
Chasin' air but never rats
You should know I hate cats!
*just a note: i dont hate cats...(as long as they realize and behave as dogs)...any i have been owned by realize this and quickly learn to fetch, come, sit, no, and master the english language...as such....this kitten(now a cat) is my son's: Oliver, appropriatly named, who is the real-life version of "Garfield" in every possible way...and dearly loved :)
I’ve had it up to here
Feeling mad sat in this chair
As I turn on the flipping news
I hate hearing
About what Will’s doing and what Kate’s wearing
I wouldn’t care if Will was dressed in a chicken suit
While Kate is on the floor licking puke
Wearing fake earrings
Down the market picking fruit
From a stall owned by Del-Boy and Rodney
With their child dressed as Mr Blobby
They aren’t more important than anybody else
Please stop acting like they’re godly
I’d rather use pliers to take out my wisdom tooth
Be stuck on the tallest building to get a different view
Than be forced to listen to A Cheryl Cole song
Wait hold up am I kidding you?
Or am I lashing out because I didn’t get ab date with her like I was wishing to?
Where do we go from here?
To sell records Nicki Minaj has to show her rear
Why am I supposed to care?
I just heard her new song and arghhh I think it broke my ears
You can’t rap or sing Nicki so give up please
Breaking news, Justin Bieber just sneezed
And people are going insane like he’s on his death bed
Quick go and pray, get meds
But don’t pray for that innocent teen who was left dead
I don’t care about what Rihanna’s doing
Don’t care whether she ate, Pizza, Fish, mince or ham
But thanks to twitter and Instagram
We can know all of her movements
With what I’m saying you probably think I drink too much
But I’m 100% sober
Put Kim Kardashian in the tumble dryer to shrink her butt
Let’s see if anyone still knows her
Take a joke people don’t get hurt fast
I’m just trying to get Kim to flirt back
While you’re all obsessed with her ass
I’m thinking she has a new man every 6 months how can anyone be her last?
I’m sick and tired of seeing the word “hater”
But please tell me who’s this “celebrity” in the paper?
X Factor today, Big brother next year
Some say Kim Kardashian has the best rear
When I saw her tape
I thought I know who to call if I ever want a night of boring and poor sex
Ok you made a sex tape have you done anymore yet?
Oh wait I apologise I see you also pose naked
I’ll be more surprised when you wear clothes and show faces
You have little girls idolising you why be so tasteless?
A lot haven’t got careers so they I’m a celeb it
Wait who are you? You’re no A-List
I guess they must have been desperate
I couldn’t name a single person from the only way is Essex
Nothing special you’re so basic
Some people fancy Katie Price and I don’t get it
All she does is show fakeness
It’d be like dating a plastic table
You are so far below greatness
You’ll never reach it you’ll never be able
Get a bit of money and when it runs out
You’ll get your boobs and bum out
Say 2 I like it when he does this and that when he’s in bed with me”
This is just part of the reason why I hate celebrities
Hard day at the office – circus in town.
I hear the Sousas yellow, or dark Pagliacci brown
All in all I hate this one here clown,
Striding right into my space,
Hiding the other side of his face –
The hurries, the gestures,
Paint so thick it cracks when he smiles
Paint that don’t run, and this here gangling style.
He trips, goes down, frightens a child,
But the freaking holiday crowd rises, croaks, goes wild!
You think of this here kind, usually, as stubby, or fat,
But this one’s long and slim,
A phallic maypole, that damn well describes him.
I hate the cheering, all the rah, rah, rah,
Hate the noisy wildness of this insane Mardi Gras.
I gotta leave, but then I spot this tiny, little girl,
Fall in love with her four-year-old, golden curls.
She laughs, she gurgles, gasps – doll face so fragile
In spite of flatulence, headache, in spite of myself,
People loved my soup but they hated me.
Everybody referred to me as the Soup Nazi.
I was strict with people and they feared me because I'm scary.
I scream my head off, that's why I've never been able to marry.
Everybody knew something that was certainly true.
When people pissed me off, I yelled "No soup for you!"
I refused to sell soup to a woman for kissing her boyfriend while standing in line.
My rules were going to be obeyed, I don't care that enforcing them was unkind.
I refused to sell soup to a bald man because he wanted free bread.
When a woman found my recipes in my armoire, I wanted to be dead.
Just because I treated her like dirt, she published them and put me out of business.
I had to close my restaurant and return to Argentina, my life truly is a mess.
I demanded discipline, breaking my rules was what I didn't allow.
I will one day return to America and slaughter Elaine like a cow!
(This poem was inspired by a Seinfeld episode.)
Now I don't have a decent job
Or expensive, flashy car
Somedays I don't brush my teeth
Or brush my beehive hair
Get my bra's from bargain bins
My coat's a hand-me-down
I try to act all grown up but
Let's face it, I'm a clown
I've got a filthy accent and
Sometimes I pick my nose
Somedays I don't change my socks
There's jam between my toes
I'm not a morning person
Til I dunk my head in coffee
I'm often unaffectionate
And then a little needy
I hate it that my ribs poke out
And my front teeth aint straight
I hate it I depend so much
On destiny and fate
I'm not the kinda girl you could
Take home to meet your mum
I live in jeans and hoodies
She'd think I was a bum
I don't need you to tell me
There's more perfect girls than me
I'm showing you the truths
Even though they're plain to see
Despite my imperfections
I'm sure there'll never be
Someone who is saner and
Could love you more than me
She poses for a picture
Hands entwined in his,
Faces bumping together, hearts connecting beyond embraces
She knows he’s hers and she’s his
In her dreams- in her deepest wishes
Screams! She screams as she jumps
Didn’t even look but plunged right into love
She said ‘It wasn’t my fault’
But a guilty burn stabs her
Ouch! That’s it!
Just pretend that you haven’t thought a million times about him
Oh yeah! All those poems you wrote, daydreaming, -
Fine! She shuts up the voices
So what? He’s the best of every girl’s choices
He’ll never boast but smiles innocently
Every time she wants to hate him
His beautiful brown eyes catch hers
Poof! Hate disappears
A rush of that feeling called love reappears
She lives a fairytale with him
In imaginary land
Smiling on the outside
Snatching a glimpse as he walks by
Hah! She sighs!
Surely, one day, he’ll be mine!
i realky hate my life and all the fake people in it People are hella fake just a bunch of haters trying to see the drama they can create thats exactly why i wana get out of this state because im surrounded a bunch fakes who hate
People always got to talk down just like cowards they do it when im not around.No matter what I do someone always has something to say and me and my buisness people talk about every single day thats what makes me wanna just get away Cowards and fakes are what they are I shine like a star why there over there hating and wont make it far.
I do not know?
I want fame and humility
I want war and I want peace
I want God and I want freedom
I want freedom and enslavment
I want to settle down, and keep moving
I sprint home and crawl to work
I'll eat my fill and then I'll starve
I will kill and I will resurrect
Give me extravagance and give me banality
entertain me and bore me
LOVE ME AND HATE ME
LOVE ME AND HATE ME
so I will show you my lithe desires, absurdly ensuring I will NEVER be at peace
open your mouth and laugh with me
I hate Harriet Oleson because she was a bitch.
Somebody should've had that awful woman lynched.
She makes me so mad that the veins in my forehead start to throb.
That woman was greedy, mean and she was the world's biggest snob.
She had a spoiled brat for a daughter who was named Nellie.
But when Laura Ingalls threw hay on her, she became smelly.
If I had been MR. Oleson, I would've gotten a divorce.
His wife was so ugly, she had the face of a horse.
If I could've gotten my hands on MRS. Oleson, I would've gave her a good shake.
Every time she looked in mirrors, they were bound to break.
The Ingalls were very good people and they were also very nice.
But I wish MRS. Oleson would've had to shave her head because of lice.
His mum was so worried she cried
It was the third day in a row that he lied
He told her that he was in school
But his mum, well she was no fool
I will speak to him if you insist
He had stayed off again, another day missed
As a parent I did my best
As my child he knew he could put me to the test
He just lay curled up on the bed
I wondered what went through his head
Was it a bully that harassed him so
Was I the bully, I just did not know
I said son, will you get out of bed
Please tell me what's wrong in your head
He said, dad, I told you before
Its nothing, I ain't going no more
I don't want to go back to school
Its heartless and pointless and cruel
Open your eyes and please see
I hate them and know they hate me
I said, son you will have to grow up
Your a dog now not just a young pup
You have to realise the truth
And bite on the bullet with your tooth
You have to go back to your school
You made a deal so follow that rule
What's more you are fifty three
And headmaster of the Academy
Kids are so like that you know
They will tease you until they too grow
So put on your cap and your gown
Get dressed and come on right down
Every stone that you throw at me
I shall pick and build a fortress tall and strong
and let my cat pee down on your head
as i watch you get drenched in the puddle.
Let's just start
with five words:
I hate February the fourteenth.
I hate it
With a passion
Just a couple
I have never gotten a valentine
I have never liked pink
But I don't care too much
because Valentine's day
is just superficial
A holiday that just makes people
feel bad about themselves
and buy lots of chocolates
it's just depressing
to see all of the people
who have flowers and love letters
I have nothing
But maybe this Valentine's day
will be different
not that I care
But maybe just this once
I could have somebody love me
even if Valentine's day
is better known as
Single Awareness Day
I hate being sick
Hate it a lot
I hate this cold
This cold I have caught.
When I cough
My lungs feel they'll burst
I hate being sick
This is the worst.
It's my day off
And I want to play
Not sit here coughing
And shivering all day
This cold is annoying
I wish it would go
I hate being sick
I thought you should know.
* I have bronchitus and am feeling sorry for myself