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Funny Funny Poems | Funny Poems About Funny

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Details | Cowboy | |

Hard Times

When hard times come they sit a spell, Like kin folk come to stay A-packin' troubles, pets an' kids That always get ‘n your way. It's drought an' flood, an' flood an' drought, There ain't much in-between. You work like hell to make ’em good, But still they’re sorta lean. The ranch went under late last year, The drought got mighty tough. The boss held-out a long, long time, But finally said, "enough!" So here I am dispatchin’ cops An’ watchin’ felons sleep, In Junction, at the county jail, A job I’ll prob’ly keep. The wife, she works at Leisure Lodge, Where older people stay, A-makin’ beds an’ moppin’ floors To earn some ‘extra’ pay. Though “extra pay‘s” the term I used, It goes to payin’ rent, An’ after all the bills are paid, We wonder where it went. We hocked my saddle, guns an' chaps, An' then our weddin' rings; Then when we couldn't pay the loan, They sold the 'dad-blamed' things. We felt real bad a day or two But then we let it go, Cause it got Christmas for the kids When money got real slow. When hard times come they sit a spell, Don't matter who you are; They'll cost ya things you've set aside, An' clean your cookie jar. You'll loose some sleep an' worry some, Won't pay to moan an' groan; But hang on to your happiness, They'll finally leave ya 'lone.


Details | Free verse | |

I want your SEEDS

**"And his name was Jack"**

No one perceives what abides above the clouds. 
A giant, a harp, maybe golden eggs. 
I demand to see and feel, before I believe. 
A castle, a dream…. I want the magic beans!!!
~~~


I'm the daughter of a farmer. 
I have a donkey to ride, a story to tell.
“Jack and the Beanstalk”; my favorite tale. 
 
Once upon, a morbid dawn. 
I inhale a tiny simple yawn~ I levitate like the sun. 
I head out the door, towards the markets shore.
I grabbed my ass to stroll along the open path. 
My shoes aim out to the nearest creek. 
My ass and I desired a drink. 
There I saw an old Englishman, sitting on a log. 
It looked as if time was approaching his brink. 
In his hand, he had a sack.
A bag, a bag, embroil of ivory and black. 
His eyes were not from this ground. 
His body fragile, he uttered a moaning sound.
He was of dirt. 
I was pure. 
He pledged his life to me. 
I debated.... with many thoughts, 
Although his eyes... 
My eyes... Will never meet again.
I want what is in the bag!
He said, "I'll give you anything for that ass.
My legs and bones can’t hold up on their own, no more!”
I knelt down to where he sat. 
Smelling his essence of rot. 
I reached forward and grabbed his only baggage. 
He said, "This bag is all I got!" 
 
I answered, "And this sir is a fine ass." 
He replied, "I have no cash." 
Scowling at him, “No I want your demon seeds!" 
How my blood grew thin... 
Inhaling and exhaling out his sin... 
The old man all shriveled and timeworn, 
Propose the birthright of the seeds. 
Yes, plant them! Plant them... 
I cried excitedly! 
He pats the field. 
Said there I am done. 
Now clock as it expands. 
 
To breed this story short... 
He dispense his seeds. 
AND, I GAVE HIM MY ASS. 
 
 
Lol...  BY;PD    (for seed contest)


Details | Rhyme | |

GREEN- reborn

GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!!!

My name is Jade Shamrock Green.
I will not eat one single green bean.
When I get mad, I turn green.
I wear my favorite green jeans.
I am hypnotize by the color green.
Not every green path leads to a flowing stream.
I lay on the grass so green.
I won a jackpot of green.
To visit the Green Mountains in Vermont is like a dream.
My eyes are shaded green.
My jealousy comes in the color green.
I diet on green veggies that are lean.
The Green Bay Packers are my favorite team.
I believe all frogs should come in green.
It’s a family gift to carry a green thumb gene.
My garden has the greenest life I have ever seen.
Lemons are yellow, but limes are green.
The Irish do not all believe in green.
In my greenhouse all, the plants are full of good self-esteem.
I'm the jester who wore a green beret for the king and queen.
The unripe sour apple is moldy green!
Flicking me a green bugger is gross and mean.
Why do all leprechauns wear color green? 
Not all clovers have only three leafs of green.
Green is the middle color of the rainbow team.
Good Luck, Care Bear's charming eyes are emerald green.
My favorite color has always been green.
This is all about wearing green on March the seventeen.



.         (a) S.K.A.T. POETRY (re-post) by;p.d.
.                 3-17-10  (update) 3-17-11


Details | Prose Poetry | |

She read me Dr Seuss

6:35 A.M.

Sunrise against my neck
that no cheap tan booth could ever match.

I ring the doorbell in anticipation of joy’s injection.

I needed it.

Because I left my cell phone in the car,
as I didn’t want to hear any chimed email
or text annoyances.

And the car just got cleaned,
only for the birds to have their way
on its waxy shine.

Bastards!

Time to grab the flamethrower from my trunk!

But, before I could scream in Braveheart declaration,
there she was.

Her 6 yr old smile,
made of 1/4 inch gaps between innocence enamel,
captured me like no other could.

“Tio”, she preached in angelica sonata.

As she held me,
held me,
with puppy love warmth.

Even the rainbows fell to its knees.

She took off my jacket with ferret-like perkiness and
asked me to sit on the floor with her.

But, not before offering to toast me some Eggo waffles
with a big glass of Ovaltine…
…in her Little Mermaid glass,
proudly made in North Korea.

It even had the dictator’s initials and a bucktooth smiley face stamp, signed in glitter
that said:
“Kid-safe”.

Thank God I just took my online course in Child Safety.
I was ready!

As I sip on Little Mermaid’s curves,
shaped in plastic, swirly straw weirdness,
a sound blasts off from a Barbie radio.

My 2 yr old angel galloped into this heart of mine,
with Tinnitus piercing scream & laughter,
tackling me in Incredible Hulk lunge.

“Hi Tio”, she whispered, before she hopped back upstairs, 
Ninja Turtle-style,
laughing maniacally with rapid head tilts, left to right to left.

Boys will fear her. 
And I couldn’t be more proud.

After two moments of silence, 
my 6 yr old angel places her Dr. Seuss book on my lap,
as she sits in front of me.

“I can r-r-read
with my eye-s
shut.”

She carefully completed the sentence,
as my eyes instantly fill with leaky pride
and an ingrained smile.

10 minutes later, she shut her book and asked me how she did.
“I am so proud of you my angel.”
“You have come so far.”

I had to hold back tears because I didn’t want to throw her off.
Yet I think she knew,
because she kept her head down and smiled with gentle starburst.

Mission accomplished.

And it was then where I heard her say,
“Those who matter don’t mind,
those who mind don’t matter.”

But she was quiet, looking at me with tilted head & smile.

For it was my inner child, 
speaking
clear.

© Drake J. Eszes


Details | Couplet | |

Poor Peter Pumpkin

Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.

The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.

Finally, the farmer came to check upon poor Peter,
measured him and then exclaimed, “You’ve grown an extra meter!

I think it’s time for you to finally go face the world.”
Peter got up from his bed. He twirled and twirled and twirled!

“Oh my,” the farmer shouted, “You’ve grown two legs with feet!
You’re a special pumpkin. My daughters you must meet!”

Poor Peter heaved his hefty bulk, waddling away,
following behind the farmer so he would not stray.

They traveled rather quickly, and soon they reached the house.
The daughters saw the pumpkin and grew quiet as a mouse.

The silence lasted just until at last one daughter spoke,
“A pumpkin with two legs? Is this some kind of joke?”

Her father knelt beside her and whispered in her ear,
“Do not be afraid, my child. You’ve not a thing to fear.

We can carve a lantern. It will be your Halloween treat.
Then we can make lots of pumpkin pies for us to eat.

Peter trembled and grew chill to hear their horrid plan.
Jumping out the door, he yelled, “Catch me if you can!”

He ran into the pastures. Then he tumbled down a hill.
As  he rolled he bumped into the couple, Jack and Jill!

“Oh dear me,” cried Peter, “I do not wish to be
a lantern for this Halloween. Please, can you both help me!”

Jack and Jill then led him to the land of Nursery Rhymes.
His sad fate has now been told to children many times.

For he ran across a guy named Peter Pumpkin EATER.
Maybe you can guess now what became of our poor Peter!


Written by Andrea Dietrich and Jan Allison, for the 
Halloween Co-Writes Poetry Contest of  Diane Locksley


Details | Rhyme | |

BERT'S WILL

"A cappuccino would be nice 
And thank you Anne dear friend. 
Since Bert has died I've felt quite lost, 
But time has helped things mend." 
 
"I guess what hurt the most dear Anne 
Was finding in Bert's will; 
To me he never left a thing; 
A truly bitter pill." 
 
"He never left you anything! 
I thought Bert more sincere, 
But is that diamond ring not new 
You're wearing sister dear?" 
 
"Well let me put it this way Anne. 
Bert's will did leave a bit; 
Five grand for a memorial stone 
And this dear Anne ... is it." 



Details | Rhyme | |

ALWAYS MOTHERS DAY

I have borrowed  the first line of this piece from the"unknown scribe" , which I 
read many years ago.... The rest is for ALL the great mothers who are SOUPER.


Who took me from my cosy cot  
And sat me on an ice cold pot  .
To make me pee ,when I could not..........  My mother

Who fed me from the very start
With bosomed milk , straight from the heart
Then burped me, 'till I'd belch and fart...... My mother

Who warmed me from the Winter breeze
Dried the blood from my skinned  knees
But told me "fibs" 'bout birds'n bees..........My mother

Who healed me when I had a chill
And nursery rhymed me Jack and Jill
But lied to Dad , about being on the pill...... My mother

Who coaxed me past the school day bell
Smiled and said .. all would be well
But then went home and cried like Hell.......My mother

Who was protector from life's curse
Was doctor , dentist , priest and nurse
Friendly Bank ,with open purse...................My mother

Who lies beneath this cold grey stone
In peace ,at last , and all alone
The first true love that I had known.................. Mam
                                                                                           x


Details | Rhyme | |

BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops


Details | Verse | |

Zuzuni on the badlands

Zuzuni on the badlands

Montana's muddy badlands spread for thirty seven miles
along a cleft of sandstone bed, eroded years before; 
the chestnut paced upon the bare of grass and well worn aisles
and I wore two new Navy Colts, of gauging forty four
beneath the noon light that defines but also eyes beguiles.

An anchorite, some years ago, upon the ridge of Grapes
where monasteries in the clouds are reaching out to God, 
I learned to draw and shoot amidst the fog's white waving drapes
and prayed til the time was ripe t' abandon this abode, 
cause solitude was molding deeds, constringing, thus, escapes.

I saw them waiting on the trail; three bandits stood apart: 
Coyote Chit, Cheesecake Labif and Mambo-Jumbo Crock
with cross-tied low their pistols stood, assumptive and upstart
bemocking fools who patented their e'er noetic block
that teachers, tho', could not explain; not even wise Descartes! 

My shots intended at their guns, the hoisted hammers broke;
I ordered them to start the dance that turns the clouds to rain
the land was in compelling need, as turf and plants evoked
the sympathy of Heavens that magnanimous ordained
the good ol' boys (and volunteers) to dance the rain's refrain.

Coyote was allowed to dance a prominent gavotte
meanwhile Labif's romantic soul preferred a marigold
but Crock's mazurka had untied the nimbus' Gordian knot
and rain began to pour upon those who the skies extolled
heroic men were meant to be, defining, thus, a blot.

Zuzuni, the Algonquin chief, had noticed this ordeal
and marveled at the outlaws forms, that caused the skies to rain
in order so, to buy the fools he offered a good deal
fourteen strong horses for each man, who danced to ascertain
that rains returned upon the slopes and also on the plains.

© 2014-10-15, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic heptameter)

Contest Name: Sketch a Character
Sponsor: Gautami Phookan
Deadline: 11/17/2014


Details | Couplet | |

All About Carolyn

When my time is done and I am finally laid to rest
I don’t want to be recalled as one who lived life depressed

So as I wrote my will, I chose to leave an instruction
That laughing gas be inhaled by all those at the function

No mournful eulogies will a pastor have to invent
For my funeral will be held under a circus tent

When dozens of clowns emerge from the tiny Volkswagen
Reams of my silly limericks Bozo will be dragin’

And as they’re read aloud, family and friends who knew me best
Will say, “She had a sense of humor, this we can attest.”

Mimes will mimic me trying to write the world’s best novel
As my corpse hangs from the trapeze, surely they will marvel

Laughter will ensue as they shoot me from the cannon
Flying high in my demise across the great Grand Canyon

All the children will smile and there’ll be no tears allowed
So no one will ever remember me as a “dark cloud”

There are people who seem to take life way too seriously 
When I meet my Maker, don’t view this as a tragedy

Dad called me his “happy girl,” so let me go out that way
I want to leave them laughing as I reach my judgment day



Entry for Sidney Lee Ann's "All About You" contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Dumb Questions

I was changing a tire and the neighbor walked by
Stood and looked a while, then he said Hi
Got a flat? he asked and this made me grin
I said no, just changing the old air and putting new stuff in.

Was coughing and sneezing. My throat was on fire
Got a bad cold? My wife did inquire
No, it's not really bad. It is a good one
I love watery eyes and watching my nose run.

I was on a bus and on my newspaper I sat
The guy next to me asked "Are you reading that"
I said yes. Reading through your butt is all the new rage.
Then I stood up and turned the page.

Dentist hit a nerve and I came up out of the chair
Did that hurt? He asked as though he really did care.
I said no, there was a spiritual woman I used to date
And she was teaching me how to levitate.

I hit a pothole with my car one night
It made such a loud noise it gave my wife a fright
Didn't you see it she began to cry
Of course I did. I hit it. Didn't I.

Once I tripped on one of my little guy's toys
Fell down the stairs and my wife heard the noise
Did you miss a step? She screamed from the hall
I said "No Dear, I think I hit them all."


Details | Verse | |

Stop Eyeing My Candy

Clothes all clean
but the washing machine
ate up all my panties.

Raced to the store 
to buy some more,
But bought instead some brandy.

Stopped at a shop
for a lollipop;
a treat I find so dandy.

My skirt fell down
In the middle of town.
Now everyone's eyeing my candy!


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

Gigi

Gigi

You question duskiness "Whereas he be?"
Be careful pal; he hides behind the tree!
Inside the sneaky shades he aptly lurks
because you've drunk too many Cuty Sarks.

You, silly chump! You're shaking on your feet;
Contele Dracula* and tough tidbit
exists inside your foolishness' resource
and punishes your wrongs without remorse.

Excess in drinking could be bad for you;
tis not that you'll become a drunk boo-hoo
but he'll metamorphose to baseball bat
and if you drink again, he'll kick your butt.

I know you're stupefied and very scared
cause Gigi hides in pizza boxes where'd
jump up, if thee besotted be and fool,
and then consume your pizza, super-cool.

Admit it, dude! You're shivering in fear!
But if you prayed he would disappear,
expect him to start dancing everywhere-s,
and jingle, so, his spurs upon your stairs.

Ha ha! Hill Billy, you! Outside your house,
behind the pumpkins, sound the irked meows:
bewildered Gigi cats will jump ahead,
inside your car and on your empty head.

You should, thus, paint your house pistachi'o green
cause if you stall before your PC screen
he'll haunt the lines of your poetic calls
and bats will eat your order of spring rolls.

© 10-02-2014, G. Phookan, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic Pentameter) 
* Contele Dracula = Count Dracula in Romanian




Details | Limerick | |

Destiny Number 5

There was a winsome writer named Andie
who wrote poetry really Jim Dandy
with pencil or pen
she'd write her amens
For our Andie was truly not randy.



9/19/1948


Details | Light Poetry | |

This Is Jack

Yesterday I saw a very creepy mouse, Sneaking right through my front door, He was wearing tails and a top black hat And dragging a large suitcase too When he saw me, he run inside, And past me he sped so fast, Into the kitchen he went in, To a tiny hole, with suitcase and all I tried everything, to flushed him out, From the hole just as fast. I played him music extremely loud; And even called him on his cell phone So I ordered him some cheese pizza, Provolone and jack cheese by the pound, And placed it close, for him to come out and eat, But...he grabbed with him in a flash An email he sent me later on, In which this certain note,to me he wrote: "This's Jack,thank you,for giving me more food, Now I can stay with you, for another three years. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2005 October,19,2014


Details | Couplet | |

Horse From Mars

HORSE FROM MARS

It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.

With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse. 

Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.

I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE

I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.

No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"

I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.

They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.

I also have many pictures of a  UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.

We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.

Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.

I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.

When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.

I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.

In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.

I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse. 

   ~SKAT~
       &
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)

re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST


Details | Limerick | |

His funeral

That he planned his funeral is factual
And being a prankster quite actual
He prerecorded his voice
So when we kneeled on the joist
He said, "Hi there! Don't I look natural."


Details | Couplet | |

Pink Skies

POPPIES  &  MUSHROOMS 

I want a beautiful sky.
One to inhale with my big brown eyes.
Fly like a kite, 
under the midday light.
Join me in this lollipop flight.
Till we say goodnight.

Lets sit on the floor Indian style.
Passing around the same smile.
Taking each other by the wing.
As we take a puff and sing,
a song about: Poppies and Mushrooms,
Lets hold hands and enjoy the fumes.

I rub my naked body with poison ivy.
A poisonous Vera with Aloe so deep and spicy.
I enjoy the penetration under my earthly skin.
With the goodness of a sneeze that feels like sin.
With Poppies and Mushrooms,
my hair I groom.
An inviolate flight on acid.
Skinny dipping in the calmness placid. 

I wanna touch that elephant in the sky.
Before the illusion vanishes before my eyes.
Pink clouds and fluffy marshmallows.
Purple kittens and rainbow shadows.

Liquid bamboo, and poppies too.
Cocoa mushrooms, to get rid of the flu.
Poppies and Mushrooms, in a jungle beat.
Down my legs, like a dog in heat.
Poppies and mushrooms, and a giant balloon.
Pop one for me, and act like a baboon.
Walk with me across this gingerbread bridge.
Lets eat all the cake in the fridge.

Graffiti and skittles, 
While I sing "Hey Diddle Diddle."
Lets follow the unicorn, with green feet.
Poppies and Mushrooms ever so sweet.
Here Kitty Kitty, feel my heart beat.
Hear me meow and tweet tweet tweet.
Kool-Aid and Hawaiian punch for lunch. 
How about some orange Captain Crunch.

Poppies and Mushrooms, from the sky I fell.
Footsteps down the yellow belly tripping trail.
Skip to my Lou, it's time to swallow another pink pill.
And sing me this song, where all these illusions are real. 

by;p.d.


Details | Prose Poetry | |

Lucila

So I walked into my local supermarket
to buy my weekly shipment of Kit Kat bars,
Cinnamon Toast Crunch,
and Ovaltine powder mix.

As I shake off the snow on my fake Timberland boots,
my skin,
coated in frozen animation,
thaws into warmth’s teardrops from
the supermarket’s 75 degree vents.

This moist sense of happiness was quickly interrupted
when I heard Wilson Phillips, “Hold On”
over the PA system.

Thankfully, the cutlery isle was just to my left. 
So, now, I had plans!

But, before I could commit felony’s song,
I saw her.

A Portuguese goddess
with a strut that can ruin a man’s dignity.

She had Autobahn curves,
dark brown curls of hair & visuals,
and thick flesh meat that even Vegans would envy.

Her face lacked Maybelline coated misapprehension.
Thank God!
Cause I never did like clowns.

After staring longingly at her,
like a crack head with impulsive eyes upon a broken/unlabeled bag of baby powder,
she breezed past my stifled posture and clocked in to work.

She didn’t even get a chance to smell my $500 cologne called “Piece of Me”.

So with new-found urges to grab all my groceries,
like a burglar who really has to pee,
I rush to express checkout. 

There she is.

Her register beeps in coupon lady’s rhapsody,
while my register needs a cleanup on Isle 9.

Now it’s my turn.

With girlish inner-screams of boy-band intensity,
I say, “Hi”.

She scans my apples, while I scan her melons.
The melons that the customer ahead of me didn’t want…
…they were on sale.

Go fig.

As if she read my mind,
she asks,
“Are you feeling warm now?”

“All I want is to be the heat in your moment”,
which I almost said.

But, “Now I am”, is uttered.

As she smiled with seductive demure,
she handed me my receipt
with her phone number on back.

As I left the market,
I began to get cold again.

These winds of change
became gusts of numbness.

I locked myself out of my heart.

I turned around to go back inside.

Only to discover, 
she didn’t have the key.

© Drake J. Eszes


Details | Personification | |

A Magic Adventure Of Peter The Pan--part II

Inside the Dishwasher everyone rushed!
Clinks, clanks, rattles, 'Ouches' and ' Ohs'!
"Would you pa--lease, settle down!" said Deb--They hushed.
"Now we can hear...let's just see how this goes."

Curious, Peter, looked out through a chinc,
And watched Vie and Chris-- approaching by twos.
They opened the door--and who do you think--
Standing there wearing her fine Jimmy Choos,
Ms Lost Sonnet!--spoke not a word--but winked.

Wilma Wine-Corkscrew, dressed in purple hues
Gave the 'all clear', and Peter spread the news.

"We're having a party Ms Sonnet, please,
Won't you join us? It's a magic party
For Peter", said Ruben Rotisserie.
Bob Blender poured her a drink--quite hardy.

Connie Candellabra was flaming bright
As Ms Sonnet swept past to the soft couch.
Carolyn Cookie Jar screamed with such fright,
"Quick! She's on fire!" Then Lost cried, "Ouch!"

"I'll save her", said Catie Collander. "Here!"
But the water leaked through her like a sieve.
Susan Spatula yelled, "Have no fear, dear!"
Yet, the fire held on and would not give--

Others tried, but could not stop the fire.
Then Peter said, "I wuw twy! I can do it!
With 'Awwy, I can fwy! Way up highya!
Togethwa, we can save Ms Wost Sonnet!

Awwy is my fwend. He tawks funny, too!
He's aw the way fwom Engwand and he is
My Supwa Cape! So I can fwy! It's twue!
No H's wive theaw--his name is wike this:
'Awwy--not Hawwy." So now, they all knew.

"Did I 'ear some bloke colling my name?"
"Yes! 'Awwy, me! We've Ms Sonnet to save!"
Harry Handtowel--AKA, Super Cape--fame
Was now on the neck of Peter the Brave!

With no hesitation quickly they flew,
Smothered the fire and saved just one shoe.
Brittle and weak, Lost needed more than glue...
"She needs magic! Oh! Paweeze! What can we do?"

"Peter...we only made enough for you".
Said Carol Crock-pot. They all cried, "Boo Hoo..."
"Then give huw my magic! That's what you do!"
So quickly they sprinkled the magic brew.
Ms Sonnet was greatful--then said, "Adieu".

"Peter, you've done well," said Anne Assam Tea,
"Let's all have a cup'a tea and you'll see...
"'Magic's believing in yourself, --frankly,
Do that--and you can do--anything!"

~©deborah burch
5/23/2012

*Special appearance by "Lost Sonnet", courtesey of David Williams...with much gratitude, thank you all for appearing ;)...Peter has many adventures to come...big hugs, love you all, cap'n deb


Details | Quatrain | |

Forbidden Fruit

Forbidden fruit is sweetest, or that’s what they all say
So I thought I’d give it a try and went for some today
I didn’t know just what to choose something firm and hard or what
So I thought I’d take a sample of everything they’d got.

There was some really hard ones, some were ripe and very sweet
But I chose one in the middle and it looked good enough to eat
I caressed it very gently and waited for it to please
I nearly didn’t go through with it, I was really gonna tease.

My taste buds are not set for sweet they prefer something more savoury
But no I stuck to my guns but I want no awards for bravery
I took one that looked just right, its rich colour tempted me to bite
But have you ever bitten a persimmon, that isn’t really ripe?

It sucks the moisture out of your mouth and covers you teeth in wool
Believe me you just try it; I am not giving you any bull.
Now for those that thought the fruit, would be some other man
Maybe that’s on my ‘to do’ list, before I kick the can……….LOL

Shame on you all, for all your naughty thoughts
Especially for those of you, that can’t keep it in their shorts
To all those that do struggle, to keep the forbidden fruit at bay
Just remember the persimmon and you will never rue the day.
© ~GG~ 4/12/2012


Details | I do not know? | |

80 Proof Nights

A foggy Cuervo morning
I crawl out of my bed
Stagger to the bathroom
With a pounding in my head

It’s just another Sunday
Things can’t get much worse
I think i’ll write a poem
Yes, another drunken verse

Tiny glass of 80 proof
What courage you gave me
To dance upon a table
While crooning karaoke

I truly thought that I could sing
I could hear the people cheer
Then I lost my footing
And fell right on my rear

Now falling off of tables
Isn't really all that dumb
Cause I got such a chuckle
Telling everyone to kiss my bum

I kissed a man I didn’t know
You think that’s absurd
Well his wife was rather angry
When I flipped her the big ol bird

When Jose takes control of me
I have no pride or shame
Doesnt really matter much
Cause no one knows my name

I drank until the wee hours
Things were going great
Until that final shot of gold
That sealed my eveings fate

I spent some time talking
On a ice cold porceline phone
If I survive this night
Tomorrow I will atone

Well today is tomorrow
So forgive me for my sin
Never again will I drink tequila
Instead I’m drinking gin


Details | Quatrain | |

DARE WE

~Dare We~ Side by side in the full moonlight, looking up in wonder Shoulders rubbing, breaths, mingling hands begin to wander Daringly we looked together, would we really dare… No one about we can try, there seem no eyes to stare. Hand in hand we start to hide away from the moonlit sky We really want to do this, but we are feeling rather shy Should we in this moonlight, try to recapture our youth? He takes his shoes and socks off, I am excited now in truth… His pants come down, I kook aghast, “they cost a lot” I heard him say. My shoes and jacket I remove, deciding it's time to play He takes me by the hand; our bodies mingle and turn together We feel so young this moonlit night with outstanding weather. His legs shine white, silhouetted against the moonlit sky Now is the time, there's no one here, I am not letting this pass me by Up and down, slowly, carefully, his body looks so lean I can’t believe we are sneaking a go on our neighbour’s new trampoline...
© 5/08/2012 ~GG~


Details | Footle | |

More Foolish Footles for Super Soupy Soupers -

Andrea D?...No brainer:
Dandy
Andie

Or in her younger, wilder days she may have been:
Randy
Andie?
(Just kidding! Just kid...Ouch!)

I have no choice but to categorize several poems by my mentor as:
Guzzi's
Doozies
(Now don't YOU start on me Deb!)

Ms. Macmillan's writing style is quite modern so here-to-forth she is:
Trendy
Cyndi
(You're not gonna' hit me too are you Cyndi?)

It is rumored that Mr. O is a care-free soul so some might name him:
Groovin'
Ruben

And be sure to keep up with current South African events in the:
Suzette
Gazette

A Christmas poem composed by Carol Brown could be a:
Carol
Carol

Writer's block PD? No sweat!...Just a temporary case of:
Souper
Stupor

Okay, that's enough...


Details | Lyric | |

Itsy, Bitsy, Teenie, Weenie Brain

To the tune of "Itsy Bitsy, Teenie Weenie, Yellow, Polka-Dot Bikini"
Dedicated to Nancy Pelosi

Chorus:
She has an itsy bitsy
Teenie weenie
Brain inside her little beanie
And she uses it infrequently

An itsy, bitsy
Teenie weenie brain
We get the heebie jeebies
Whenever Nancy's in our company

Two, three, four 
Don’t stick around, head for the door

Nancy:
  Oh, I pushed and I wrested for health care
  But no one wanted this lame, inane fare
  Still I managed to get it through Congress
  The court may now say it was pointless

Two, three, four
Please don’t give us anymore

Chorus:
She has an itsy bitsy
Teenie weenie
Brain inside her little beanie
And she uses it infrequently

An itsy, bitsy
Teenie weenie brain
We get the heebie jeebies
Whenever Nancy's in our company

Nancy:
  Some will tell you that my voice sounds too shrill
  But House members have followed me still
  Yet we have an election upcoming
  From my muse all my members are running

Final Chorus:
From the Congress to her home state
From California to the streets
Of San Francisco you will find her
Oh so sad to lose her seat


Details | Triolet | |

3 Musketeers A collaboration with Casarah Nance and Tim Smith

I wrote a poem of despair 
My hearts been tossed up into the air 

She wrote a limerick that was taboo 
She made me laugh when I was so blue 

Entering stage left was Tim 
Writing of past lovers sins in a hymn 

It seems that we laugh or we cry 
We live, we love, or we die 

The three of us, holding poetic swords up high 
Throughout the ages we all do fly 

No subject goes unspoken 
For the freedom of words we've awoken 

No battle to long or too fierce 
Our duels are true and unrehearsed. 

Through blood, sweat and tears 
A bond so strong that sweetens the years 

All for one and one for all 
Let us carry on and have a ball!


Details | Footle | |

More Foolish Footles - Man's Best Friend

Overweight Terrier:
Porky
Yorkie
Un-cool Terrier:
Dorky
Yorkie

Spaniel dog breeder:
Cocker
Stocker
Parrot who mimics a Spaniel's bark:
Cocker
Mocker
Book on how to care for Cockers:
Spaniel
Manuel
Originally from England, a well-rounded Spaniel stays in shape by playing:
Cocker
Soccer
Then showers and dresses by its:
Cocker
Locker

Dachshund headgear:
Weenie
Beenie
Grouchy Dachshund:
Meany
Weenie
Proportionally, male Dachshunds have:
Teenie
Weenies
(But size isn't everything)
Dachshund making critcal life choices:
Eenie
Weenie...

A dog in Medieval France:
Feudal
Poodle
French dog's brain:
Poodle
Noodle
A French dog breeder raises:
Oodles
of
Poodles
(Cheated on that one)

Lassie was a level-headed dog and never engaged in:
Collie
Folly
Reared in a lovng environnment, she was a rather:
Jolly
Collie
Bred in the capitol city of NC, making her a:
Raleigh
Collie
To commemorate her frequent (and often rowdy) visits to N.O. a streetcar was renamed the:
Collie
Trolley

Snoopy immigrated to the States but alas, was found not to be a:
Legal
Beagle
Thus he was deported back to England but was promptly knighted by the Queen becoming a:
Regal
Beagle
Now a celebrity, he even has an entourage of nubile young female beagles named:
Snoopy's
Groupies
Footnote: He is also a regular on the foxhunt circuit where it is rumored that he is often allowed to cheat, prompting howls of protests from outraged and exhausted cohorts...


Details | Senryu | |

Awaken

.








                        shower curtain’s hiss
                        wakes me up, wakes us up
                        king size tent waits






.


Details | Sonnet | |

elegant giraffes


He wondered if his verse was made for fools
and cretins that splish-splash alongside whales
composing dull sonnets was chased by bulls 
- by elegant giraffes and racing snails.

Amid the chickens in his country cot,
while gulping bourbon the pig-farmer writes
his scribble verse turns to an artless blot
and straight he gulps one more for his insights

Oh, detrimental muse of his confused,
absconding inspiration that evades
his talent which was alcohol-abused,
and like the content of each bottle, fades:

......Inspiring advent of a healthy burp
made pigs and chickens to comment "superb"!

© G. V. 06-27-2013 All rights reserved

Sponsor: Judy Konos
Contest Name: The Lazy Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

SOUP COMMENTS

Some say my work's artistic
Some think my work is plain
Some say my work is brilliant
Some are convinced that I'm insane

Some have called me romantic
Some have called me a beast
Some go into great details
Some are brief to say the least

Some use fancy punctuation
Some capitalize everything
Some offer me hugs, even kisses
Some others are down right mean

Some feel things I'm writing
Some just cut and paste
Some make me want to dance
Some others are just a waste

Date: 11-2-14


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Cuddling Cricket

It’s not enough to have a Dragon plus his penguins and pigeons, too?
Darn it! I had a limit, until a cute Cuddling Cricket found my shoe.
He was just a little baby, who saw the pigeons and decided to hide.
Now, he won’t let go of my pants leg; he’s definitely along for the ride.

The first time I saw him, I Eeekk’ed and I jumped, yep, about to pounce.
But at my response he sighed, and slumped, and he began to cry, at once!
At first I couldn’t believe it, so I pulled out my magnifying glass.
What I found were soulful eyes, and a face, so very cute, but sad.

So now when I stand, A Cuddling Cricket, comes along for the ride.
Yeah, he’s now part of the family… Well, of course! Sigh! I replied…
He sleeps in a cute little plastic bug box, with a matchbox for a bed.
But it’s hard to explain, to others found, in my life, which have fled.

I bring a magnifying glass, so they can see him bow so proper and nice.
But carrying my Cuddling Cricket around, does have a certain price!
Food stores aren’t very understanding, and restaurants, Not At All! Truly!
But the paparazzi seem to understand a Cuddling Cricket, completely!

He does have his own type of novelty as he carries around his blankie!
And he’s just a baby, who needs a Mom, and of course, his little binkie!
Honestly, I’m not kidding! There’ve been a few, strange turns, in my life.
But, if I have Trolls and Dragon, then a Cuddling Cricket seems, so right!


Details | Quatrain | |

Admissions of a Sloth

I like to exercise my mind, but how I hate to work.
Whatever needs exertion is the action that I shirk.
Labor with the brain is fine.  I do it all the time.
How I love to sit and read or think of words that rhyme.

But send me to the bathroom with a brush so that I'll scrub,
and I'll barely rub the ring off.  Then I'll lie there in the tub.
Peek inside; you'll find me, a novel in one hand,
resting as I'm soaking in my own little Bubble Land.

Clean the oven?  What a joke.  The most that I can stand
is loading up the wash machine (a task that's merely bland).
Maybe run the vacuum once a week across the floor,
and quickly dab where dust is bad; most stuff I ignore.

As my jobs all pile up, housework's even more a chore.
Why must work that's physical be such a dreadful bore?
My well-ingrained aversion to utilizing muscle
does have one exception: at the gym I like to hustle.

To kick box is so fun although it makes me sweaty.
Step and dance are choreographed.  For those I'm always ready.
But I wish that just as quickly as from running on a tread
I could burn up calories doing workouts in my head!


Details | Verse | |

My way

And now as I hold her near
I turn and draw the bedroom curtain
She made what she wants so clear 
She's going to get it tonight for certain
I'm to be a raging bull 
and ravish her not in a shy way 
I'm to drive her into the erotic abyss 
By doing it my way 

Regrets, There have been so few
but the chocolate sauce I'd better mention 
You were supposed to lick not chew 
That's why I'm full of apprehension 
but what a night on the golf course
and the hard shoulder of the highway
After just one romantic kiss 
We did it my way . 

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew 
When I needed a minute or two 
but you didn't have to pout 
Like a sour faced old trout 
because I was soon standing straight and tall
and did it my way . 

We've loved , we've laughed and cried 
My rigidity I was losing 
With passing years stamina subsides 
and you find that so amusing 
Is that it ? I hear you say 
In your own demanding way 
Oh no , Oh no ''cos after a cup of tea''
We'll do it my way . 

For what is a man , What has he got 
If he can't do it twice on the trot 
Wear your dress whenever he feels 
Practice wearing your high heels 
The record shows I love sucking toes 
and I did it my way .


Details | Ode | |

Enough Already, Ode to a Turkey

Oh how I love thee with your white and dark meat
Thou art the very best
But because of you, I can’t see my feet
My navel is two feet from my chest
To diet and lose so I don’t wobble no more
I would be very willing
It would be impossible now, because somehow
I finished four bowls of filling
My wife pointed at me and said look at him
He sits at the table, like a dog he begs
I stare at you and your magnificent breast
Can hardly wait to get my hands on your legs
Enough already, I’m on my knees
Give me some stuffing and some black eyed peas
Sweet potatoes, corn and a salad I’ll toss
And bury your butt with cranberry sauce
Oh turkey, my turkey, you’re the one who rocks
Now I’ve gotten so fat, I can’t put on my socks
My love for you was fleeting
And we are finished I fear
But I’ll fall in love with another turkey
Same time next year.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Pirates Life

    He stands upon the salty,slippery deck,
Yelling yaargh matey ,
with a halfhearted pirate drawl.
He's not to impressed with himself,
not an eyepatch or wooden leg,
not even a hooked claw.
The parrot on his shoulder,
is a wannabee,
a sparrow that fell from the Crowsnest, 
from high up above.
It has no quips ,or spikes,
or pirate quotes,
just nesting on his shoulder 
with birdly kind of love.
Aye captain the crew responds,
snapping to their chores.
Tend the wheel ,lash the mainsail,
take the soundings
 less we hit a reef.
The sea going life is not for every man,
walking the plank,storms and rickets.
Crabs in your knickers ,
really give you grief.
Aah but when the wind fills the sails to bursting,
yards of canvas strain to be free.
And the ropes play ,sea going music
of a tension melody.
A song that captures
every young buccaneers heart ,
and soul and fancy.
For the music of the wanderers life,
an endless expanse of blue,
bravehearts and fearless men find,
quite a bit too chancy.
Black Beard,Yellow Beard,
the famous Captain Blood,
were all fearless pirates of their day.
He truly knows that he can be,
a great one too.
If he could ever find that bleeping map,
and escape this landlocked bay.


Details | Shape | |

Love Letter


            ____________________________________
            I                                                                    
            I                                                                   
            I             *  *       *  *    To my darling !            
            I           *       * *       *                                      
            I            *       *       *                                          
            I              *           *                                           
            I                *       *                                             
            I                  *   *                                               
            I                   * *                                                      
            I                    *                                                    
            I                                                                          
            I                I just want to say: I LOVE YOU!             
            I______________________________________   



30.04.2013
A-L  Andresen :)           


Details | Limerick | |

Sweet and Salty -LIBRA TALE

      LIBRA  TALE

Sweet and Sour hectic sign
Love me, trust me, the stars align
   Balance of truth and dare
   Good and Evil, full of care 
Blind when it comes to blood line


 
:) PD


Details | Limerick | |

Valentine's Day Musings

All year long he puts my heart on a shelf
No surprise I’d rather be by myself
     If there’s no Valentine treat
     From this worthless hunk of meat
He can go on making love to himself

Remember there’s an “I” in Valentine
So if no one’s around to say, “Be mine”
     Just splurge – get a new hairdo
     Party with an all-girl crew
Check out the divorce rate and say, “I’m fine”




*For Francine's Valentine Limerick contest


Details | Free verse | |

MADE IN CHINA

"Made In China"

They can have my money
If it saves me money

The toys I played with when I was young,
Says I enjoyed their hands
The Labels read 
"MADE IN CHINA"

The cheap material on my back, the shoes I wore. 
How easily they faded and tore
However, I enjoyed their hands
The Tags on my rags;
"MADE IN CHINA"

The car I own saves money on gas
A tiny Honda Civic, takes me everywhere
I love my sweet silver car
"Manufactured in China"

The never been used--Made in the USA--cookware I own,
Says, I don't work hard at all:)
Yummy to Chinese all you can eat take Outs  
Thank you China for being part of this world
Better Yet!
Thank you China, for making this world a part of yours.

MADE IN CHINA 
Shipped easily in a box

~SKAT~


Details | Free verse | |

My butt crack

My butt crack 
Is quite a split 
It supports the rest of me 
when I sit 
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?

My butt crack 
Is a marvel to behold 
It was cute when I was young 
but now offensive since I'm old 

My butt crack 
Is pretty darn straight 
can you imagine if it was crooked 
pretty weird sight I would rate 

My butt crack 
Is funny to me 
when I bend over in my jeans 
It peeks out 
for you to see 

My butt crack 
wanted me to write this today 
for no other reason 
then just to say......................

I gotta split 


LOL 

Eric (and sometimes not)


Details | Footle | |

having sex - footle

buck wild
rodeo style
_______________________|
PENNED ON AUGUST 14, 2014!


Details | Narrative | |

Granny Panty Annie, the Tranny

Lemme tell ya' about a
*ding-bat skit-zo 
bee-hotch* tranny
named Annie...

I met her one night 
under disco lights 
up at Candies

She was 
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see 
if I wanted a piece
of he 
OR
of she 
by way of flashin' granny panties

She was
shootin' pool
actin' a fool
so I 
took a shot
and one tiny glance 
but got caught

So I
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool

She slurred,
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"

I replied, 
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"

"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl" 
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"

Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to 
"Get this he/she outta the place!"

My pleas were to no avail, 
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail

Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
then she... 
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked, 
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"

I screamed,
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
but...
ya' see...
ya' need 
to hit the bricks,
you
and yir' Granny Panties!"

At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there 
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me

I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!

It's a night I thought would never end... 
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill 
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!




Details | Free verse | |

The Elephant in the Room

3 polished oak fans,
Swirling in robotic unison

High maintenance socialites,
Sipping on Merlot fallacies

Lemon yellow coated walls,
Flat,
Like their smiles

Comparisons of dangling Porsche & Bentley keys
A glorified day care center,
Pacifiers included

The muted virtuosos speak softly in hymn dialects.

Courtesy laughter in snob’s octave

Their heads twitching side to side,
Left to right to left

An equilibrium facing assault charges against self

They slow dance to cello dreams
And E minor dividends

Two-step monotone, sway
Against platinum lacquer foundations

…

But, it was then.

These same socialites,
Made of recycled candle wax
And rubberized, hedge-fund confidence,
Began to stare longingly at the party host’s 70 inch plasma TV

Proudly imported from China

“Attention uptight snobs of Mecca!
The city zoo has imploded!
The monkeys revolted!
The zebras were tired of being racially profiled!
Run for your LIV…!”
(SMASH!)

And before the reporter’s frightened inner child could finish’s his clause,
An elephant crashes into the decadent room
Filled with Crisp linen scents of Febreze & judgmental fear

It stares at the socialites,
Laughing heartedly as it playfully stomps away into constellation’s onyx night

As tears waterfall from the snobs’ sobbing eye sockets
As if they just listened to another Celine Dion song

The real newsflash

Metaphors played hooky today

©Drake J. Eszes


Details | Free verse | |

LOVE at FIRST SIGHT

Love was in the air when he laid eyes on her.
Childhood; elementary and even high school with her.
Walking towards her, he greeted her.
Anxiety spiraled as he hugged her.
Conversation grew deeper as he sat with her.
Wanting to get closer because he was falling for her.

Another woman called pausing the time he was having with her.
Knowing he had to answer; he stepped away and spoke to her.
She stated that something wasn't quite right with her.
She said that her stomach had been bothering her.
Now he's thinking back if he came inside her.
Thinking if she lied to him about her tubes being tied within her.

Does he blame himself for listening to her?
Knowing right from wrong and yet he can't blame her.
Does he blame the devil for allowing him to be intimate with her?
Is he not a human that makes mistakes just like her?
Begging God to make a way for him and her.
Asking God to forgive him for committing the sin with her.

God said, "relax my son, you were only dreaming of her."


Details | Clerihew | |

Battle of the Sexes

battle of the sexes


~~MONA LISA SMILE
Picture Oil painting worthwhile 
Leonardo DA Vinci, look out!
What is she really smiling about?

(((The popularity of the Mona Lisa increased in the mid 19th century 
because of the Symbolist movement. The painting was thought to 
encompass a sort of feminine mystique.)))



~~JAMES EARL JONES
His award winning voice, rough like stones
Darth Vader, Mufasa, stuttering jubilee  
When I die can he be the one narrating my eulogy?

(((I love James, I'm a star wars freak... <--- yup that's me)))



~~SADDAM AND BIN LADEN
Were very bad, bad men
Causing chaos throughout America & Afghanistan,
HATERS OF THE USA: they should be called the Arab ku klux klan

(((Occupation: Terrorist~ makes me wonder if they went to the same school.)))
                                                                   


~~ADOLF HITLER
The world worse killer
Commander of the oxymoron  Nazi  
Losing at his own game of Yahtzee 

(((The Most Hated Murderer of all time)))



~~YOUNG ANNE FRANK
Her diary worth more than any bank
Famous Jewish victims of the Holocaust
Her legacy teaches that hate is an exhaust 

(((Anne Frank's diary remains one of the most moving and widely read 
accounts of the Jewish experience during the Holocaust.))) 



~~JOAN OF ARC
Angel in an era so dark
an epic hundred year war
her visions is what she payed for.

(((Joan of Arc, also called the Maid of Orleans, a patron saint of France 
and a national heroine, led the resistance to the English invasion.))) 



~~BB KING
Can really sing
Stand by me...
But, can he sting like a bee

(((BB KING~ could not help but wonder if he was a lover and a fighter.)))



~~LADY GAGA
Is no piano sonata,
Madonna wannabe, is she.
Watching her videos make me laugh till I pee.

(((Lady Gaga is Unique as can be!)))


by;p.d.

for battle of the clerihew


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

Charlotte Russe


The rain began with striking thunder noise,
the falling drops were pelting on his head;
his bomber's jacket, after shave and poise
anticipated just, her tall spikes' tread.

Her stumbling light steps were quick and graced;
- oh, sightly maid, that fondling drops wet,
he smiles; she smiles, so rarified and laced,
her acrobatic charm and walking fret.

Her wet, Venusian bends enthrall his brain;
those curvatures must be explored and felt,
his tips will tangle in her moistened mane,
her feminine perfume and garter belt!

Athletic is his run upon the quay,
as lightning strikes around, of Zeus wrath,
in style he throws his rendezvous bouquet,
her manicured lithe fingers long to catch!

A flash demolishes the rose bouquet,
another strikes upon his buckle's brass;
resembling Nureyev at ballet
with Dame Fonteyn, he proves his dancing class!

She joins his dance beneath November's rain;
thus, he forebodes her lustful flames and cries,
uncorking the Dom Pérignon champagne,
receives a third flash on his manly prize.

Embraced they dance beneath the rain and kiss
Mille-feuille creamed her finger tips, will fuss 
to tease his buds, while deponent his lips
descend to slowly taste her "Charlotte Russe".

© 11-24-2013, All Rights Reserved
(humorous-erotic-light poetry-Iambic pentameter)

Sponsor: Charlotte Puddifoot
Contest Name: Charlotte's Scorchers: Erotic/Sensual Poetry 

Definitions:

* Mille-feuille:
The mille-feuille is a creamy pastry of French origin.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mille-feuille

* Charlotte Russe:
Charlotte Russe is a cold dessert of Bavarian cream set 
in a mold lined with ladyfingers.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_%28cake%29


Details | Rhyme | |

Poems for My Alien Abductors: a Ride into Space

I thought I could wow them with poems from earth
Poems of joy and humor, poems extolling it’s worth
So I laid out poems from Michael, Gail, and me
From Andrea, David, Gwen, and Ilene
From PD, Harry, Mandy, and Chris
From Jack, Craig, Cyndi, and Liz…
For I was sure once they read our beautiful works
They would embrace us and love our humanly quirks!
So last night I taped them all over my skin
Knowing they’d find them if they took me again…

When I woke up, they were gone and I had a reply:
“We enjoyed reading those poems last night, 
And thanks for the names of the earthlings too -
We have many more experiments to do!”


2/7/13
For Michael's boomerang...send your poem for a ride contest


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

Chicken Cot UFO

Chicken Cot UFO

It crossed the gloaming skies above the roofs,
in awe we followed then, its jazzy course;
mysterious would be the incensed spoofs
this ireful ship, upon us, would enforce.

Hmm..
..We said! Abominable was the ship
that traced its gaudy eights in air with hum;
predestined to avenge our ego trip,
atrocious poulets, would not succumb.

The chicken soldiers were a frightful troop
in pink-pistachio uniforms with spots,
that insolent, bombarded us with moop,
to hit our heads that were devoid of thoughts.

In order to placate the chicken troop,
some started to recite their verse to skies;
confronting that attacking chicken group,
- bird poems they opposed to battle cries.

The angry war-birds listened to the verse,
that was composed by stunned, exposed confreres,
their cackle was bemocking and adverse,
- upon their heads they wore rouge voluperes.

This myth reflected what would happen if
extraterrestrial cots invaded Earth,
relentless chicken-birds in martial tiff
would moop upon some artists of top worth.

© 12/11/2013, G. Venetopoulos

moop = Matter Out Of Place


Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Couplet | |

Black Magic Hearts

What underhanded monkey business 
razzle-dazzle bull is this? 
Whose double-crossing, flimflam scam, 
debauchery or hocus sham 
is wheeling dealing in romance, 
putting lovers in a trance? 

Antics, capers or witch's brew, 
enchanting hymns or shaman's stew, 
whose quackery or voodoo drink 
made Casanova stop and think 
and turned the ancient lovers cold; 
poor Romeo and nymphs of old? 

Perhaps black magic's potent gel, 
or craftiness or wicked spell, 
a clever con or master hoax, 
or just some trickster playing jokes. 
Whatever ruse that works the arts, 
mumbo jumbo seduces hearts!


Details | Couplet | |

On The Moon

Thea, grandfather Alferd's dog died, she was so old and sick
Now is Thea on the moon, says Adrian who is six

Michael Jackson died so unexpectedly and abruptly
He is on the moon and plays with Thea, says Adrian who is a big fan

Betzy, grandfather Arild's dog died, she was also old and sick
Now Betzy is also on the moon with Thea and Michael Jackson and play all day

Great Grandmother died so unexpectedly and abruptly
Adrian who is six had difficulty understanding

Adrian who is six cried many tears for Great Grandmother
but comforted himself with the fact that she is sitting on the moon and
makes waffles to Thea, Michael Jackson and Betzy.




04.11.2012
A-L Andresen :)  - A true story -


Details | Free verse | |

Mario and Luigi: The Untold Story

(Submitted to Heather's Famous Couples/Duos contest. I hope you all like!)  :)

“Save me, Mario & Luigi!”

As they both read the Princess’ distress call,
Written in dark cherry lipstick on his walls
“Mama-Mia, I just painted this damn thing”, Luigi whined.

They ride off into smiling clouds’ horizon
Knocking out hopeless Goombas & misunderstood Turtle shells
Rapidly exhaled hustles over flagpoles and grassy valleys
To see who will capture her 1st kiss...and NOTHING MORE

Towards that immense castle in the sky,
They climbed against its walls like two dogs in heat for the 1st time

Into un-screened window archways, they dive in
Their eyes stare threateningly against the Dinosaur-Lizard cross-breed reject

Mario & Luigi begin dropping mushrooms to see stars and taste invincibility.

But, like this battle, it only lasted 10 seconds!

For out from the Onyx darkness, a new hero emerged
Green, not with envy, but of Greek god magnificence
And a strut that would make a pole dancer jealous

He struck down with such brute force, tearing down the gates of Heaven & Hell
Jesus & Lucifer were pissed

It was Yoshi the dinosaur!

With one fell swoop & a high pitched Braveheart-style cry,
He starts dropping eggs like he’s been ovulating for days
Tossing them with such focus & epic awesomeness against his enemies
Knocking them down one by one

He gracefully sweeps up the Princess, staring down towards his enemies
In a condescendingly lifted face, places an old-school Boombox on the ground
With loud decibels of MJ’s “Don’t stop ‘til you get enough!”,
Yoshi pulls out & drops the mic, embracing gravity’s last word

The Princess devilishly smiles at her new green hero and rides him into the sunset.

Game over.

©Drake J. Eszes


Details | Light Poetry | |

All Change

This year I turned the big ‘5-0’
And my body is acting strange
So I went to see the doctor who said
Not to worry, as I was going through ‘the change.’

“Is there anything I can take?” I asked
He replied, “There’s HRT
But I don’t believe in prescribing it,
Let’s try to deal with this naturally!”

You could have knocked me backwards
And I thought, all well and good for him
It wasn’t his raging hormones 
Making him feel like a stranger within

He doesn’t get narked, by the little things
That before would go over his head
Or wake up at night, in a lather of sweat
And have to get up to change his bed

It isn’t him having palpitations
Which make you feel like you’re going to die
It’s not him, who feels angry one moment
And the next as if he could cry

He’s not lapsing in concentration
Or feels like he’s his losing his mind,
Because he put the milk in the washing machine
And it took him an hour to find!

It isn’t he who keeps feeling so crap
When a ‘monthly’ is missed or comes late
And I bet he never just has to look at food
In order for him to gain weight!

He’s not always taking medicine for thrush
Or constantly needing to pee
So I bet he’d be first to pop the pills
If it was him going through this, not me

So I looked at him and said “I’ll give it a go
But I don’t really hold much hope”
And walked out of his surgery, feeling as though
I could have hung him with some rope!

But off I went and months have gone past
Of getting worse doing - ‘naturally,’
So I’ve made an appointment with a lady doc
Who might take pity, and prescribe ‘HRT.’


Details | Limerick | |

My Big Fat Cousin's Wedding

My favorite cousin named Marge is almost as big as a barge. So one would assume, not knowing the groom, the guy would most likely be large. But he was a small man named Tim “As thin as a broom” describes him. While Marge would guffaw, Tim would watch her with awe and just smile for he was so prim! When the preacher addressed him and said, “You may now kiss the bride,” Tim turned red, for their lips could not meet. With high heels on her feet, Marge stood towering over his head. She leaned down while Tim stood on his toes, but for being in such a strange pose, Marge then came toppling down crushing Tim neath her gown while the whole church erupted in “Ohhhhh’s.” All was well, and thereafter, we ate; then we planned next to dance until late. But none could foresee the small tragedy that had us all leaving by eight! Marge had tossed off her heels for a glide on the dance floor, but when they both tried to dance, Tim got snagged by that dang gown and dragged as his bride was beginning to slide. . . Now shoeless, poor Marge could not stop. Toward a table with candles on top, they slid, and the groom then set fire to the room by landing with a belly flop. Poor Tim by the candles got lit, and we were all having a fit, for the fire got spread fast till the Best Man at last got us all wet extinguishing it! Inspired by the title of the movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding & : Joann Grisetti's "My Cousin's Wedding" Poetry contest


Details | Limerick | |

Beatle Mania

Beatlemania (The Fab Four As Lovers) Once a choir boy, John turned to romance, Fell for Yoko almost at first glance. In full public view In bed with her too - Showed the world how to “give peace a chance.” Quiet George played much more than guitar. Lost his wife to another rock star. Layla left him because Of how hung up he was On the music he made with his sitar! Ringo acted in “Caveman” and met His wife Barb (once a Bond girl) on set. Though the film of this drummer Was dumber than dumber, Wise in love, he’s not left his Barb yet! A heart breaker, Paul left Wife "One" For Linda, and made her a vegan! On their farm smoking pot, They made money (a LOT)! He’s a genius whose life sure seems fun! written Oct. 13, 2013 for the BeatleMania Contest of Rhonda Johnson-Saunders


Details | Rhyme | |

FOREPLAY

Yer briny whore
akin to boar
wit' mangy hide 'n scurvy-pocked
chomped 'n chewed
me black 'n blue
wit' carnassial chompers as of croc

Be curs'd, yer nit  
me ample bits
equated ter yer own be nowt 
yerz be carnivorous  
scaly 'n scabrous
yer plaque be axed ter beef up grout

Uncomely wench 
yer skunky stench
blunted me hook 'n scorched me beard
me peepers stung
me hornpipe hung
shorn ter th' bone 'n shrivelled 'n seared

Comely 'n curvy
riddled wit' scurvy
th' cap'n's whore-maid tooken yer whole
yer rat o' th' sea
holed and *****
yer fired yer cannon in a rottin' port'ole


Blow me down, lover!!  I love it when we talk dirty.

(Hahahaha.  I see the Soup powers-that-be deleted my word.  I swear it's not used as a swearword.  The word rhymes with "hussy".   lol)


Details | Dodoitsu | |

Ru-Bee-n and the Dove

.




                                Broken Butterfly feeding
                                on nectar from my flowers
                                _"These are my...Don't bite me...Ouch!
                                ...Lepidoptera!"

                                I will keep my proboscis
                                and my stinger for the spring
                                when the Maltese dove returns
                                Charmaine, where are you!





Ruben Ortellao


Details | Couplet | |

This laundry never ends

Oh laundry, how relentless you are in this house,
It’s as if I were a polygamist’s spouse.

By: Sabina Nicole


Details | Couplet | |

Dadgumitrefereeism

Football coach Bobby Bowden was never one to cuss
But refs make mistakes and coaches have a right to fuss

“St. Bowden” as he was lovingly called by players
Instilled moral values and hushed all the naysayers

He’d not take God’s name in vain, so he coined dadgumit
It became his trademark, might appear in his obit

If a ref made a bad call, he’d race onto the field
Never said God d*** it, when the ref’s call he appealed

"Dadgumitrefereeism" got his point across
The refs would shy away because Bobby was the boss

Sometimes calls were overturned since Bobby was revered
Short and stout in stature, but the refs still shook in fear

The “Saint” played with God on his side and the refs knew it
Dadgumitrefereeism didn't bother God a bit


Details | Clerihew | |

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton, the 42nd President,
was quite the musical, White House resident.
He would play a mean saxophone,
while Monica skillfully blew the trombone.


Details | Haiku | |

Facedown

.






                                                facedown on the floor
                                                the broken porcelain's moon —
                                                for Shinto's sake






Sponsor: Joe Maverick
Contest Name: Haiku challenge.


Details | Rhyme | |

Upside Down

If the leaf wore a tree
And the ocean ate fish;
If a flower sucked the bee
And beans ate the dish;
If a beggar was chief
And a boy was a girl
A song would be brief
If a bird wore a curl.
If the grass chewed the cow
And night turned to day
I'm wondering how
Work might be play.
Wouldn't it be great
If the sun was the moon
If early was late
And a line lost its tune.
If all of these things
Were natural to do;
Then a song wouldn't sing
And teeth wouldn't chew.
              ***


Details | Quatrain | |

Venus Courts Mars on Valentine's Day

A single red, heart-shaped balloon isn’t enough
So I splurge and buy fourteen adorned by cupid
I tie them to the chair of my beloved “Hot Stuff”
To think mere balloons might please him would be stupid

So I search and search for the grandest tea roses
His favorite warm colors are all blended in each 
His desk they decorate in striking poses
Hope these will do the trick and his passion beseech

But then I remember his strong chocolate craving
Godiva treats I purchase and spare no expense
Set beside roses, surely he’ll be raving
He’ll be home in an hour; I can’t bear the suspense

When the door opens, I am wearing a teddy
The Valentine card he takes with a gloomy look
When he sees his desk, he wails, “Enough already!”
And he doesn’t even try my straps to unhook

How puzzled I feel when he says, “We have to talk”
No, he hadn’t forgotten this lovers’ holiday
Into his small closet he suggests we should walk
He seems so depressed; I’d expected a hooray

Piled high in the closet are all occasion gifts
Gaudy Christmas sweaters and tons of chocolate hearts
He can’t find his clothes and between us grows a rift
To sort through this maze, he would need a detailed chart

“Take all this stuff with you and please just leave my home
In fact, I’ll pay your expenses to relocate
And be sure to take that hideous garden gnome
Make it snappy, will you?  I have a date at eight!”



*For Joyce’s “Emotional Response” contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Kitten In The Barn

It’s always a good practice when living on a farm, To have a family of cats living in the barn They always keep the rats and mice at bay and furnish humor too – Wherever you find kittens there’s usually a laugh or two. Now, I remember one time, I was out there milking cows, When I noticed three young kittens, out and on the prowl. One, a fine young tomcat, was really acting brave And I wondered if he faced some fear just how he would behave. Skillfully I squeezed and threw some milk across his face – He winced a bit, then licked his lips – he knew he’d found the place. We played around awhile and soon the playing stalled When he stopped and took a minute to answer nature’s call. He didn’t know it but he backed himself up to a fresh cow pad He grunted; then had the best little poop a kitten ever had. He turned around to cover it; then began the fun. He knew what he saw lying there was more than he had done. He arched his back, let out a scream and broke into a run. I thought, at first, it might have been something I had done. But soon it was no mystery what scared that little cat. There was the giant pile of poop I couldn’t help laughing at. This kitten was the alpha kitten of the litter Who ultimately proved to me that he was no quitter. So, when the time came to find him a name… Well ….. I just called him……”Fraidy” Written By John Posey 05/29/13


Details | Shape | |

The Toilet

                                     At times my words feel like turds
                                      In a forever flushing toilet of life
                                      Some days after releasing them
                                      My mind still  doesn't  feel  right
                                      Butt  wiped onto  paper they go
                                      Then typed into this toilet of life
                                      As  they spin  around  the  bowl
                                  I notice something doesn't smell right
                                           It must be time to clean
                                             This forever flushing
                                                  Toilet of life 
                                                   Allowing me
                                                     Words of
                                                     Freshness 
                                                 And new turds 
                                              To flow with delight


Details | Tetractys | |

My Very FIRST TIME

                                        I 
                                        jerked it
                                        out to place
                                        it back in and
                                        it seems as though I can't get any out.

                                        I
                                      jerked it
                                     out again
                                  to place it back
                       in, yet, no luck in getting any out.

                                        So,
                                      I tried
                                    ANOTHER
                               form of Pleasure,
                      taking off the lid and using plastic.

                                        I 
                                        simply
                                        just wanted
                                        to drink my milk-
                                        shake using a straw but a spoon will do.



Pace, G
04-20-2012


Details | Rhyme | |

You Can Hug Anyone You Want To

(This poem was inspired by my friend's grandma who said, and I quote, "You can hug anyone you want to." I dedicate it to all the sweetie poets who give "hugs.")


You can hug anyone you want to.
It's something everyone can do.

(There are many reactions from one act.
Proceed with caution so you don't get smacked.)

You can hug any way you like.
Keep it loose, or grab 'em tight.

Hug with a manly guttural noise,
or hug like a lady with grace and poise.

Sometimes just one hand will do.
Hug the way that best suits you.

Hug to ward off tears and sorrow.
Hug like you're going to die tomorrow.

Hug sister Suzy. Hug uncle Al.
Hug anyone to make a new pal.

Hug 'em big. Hug 'em small.
Hug 'em one. Hug 'em all.

Hug 'em in a group or two by two,
so the pleasure's not all about you.

Hug with a spin. Even make it an art.
Just make sure you hug with your heart.

It's as simple as a shoulder shrug.
Everybody could use a hug.

You can hug anyone you want to.
Watch your back, cuz I might hug you.


Details | Double Dactyl | |

Closed

I can put things together
Sometimes I'm on what you wear
Sometimes on things
Sometimes I get stuck and you get mad at me
Its not often for me to break 
I'm made out of metal










I'm a zipper


Details | Clerihew | |

BULLYsoup

whopping bully
torments soupers fully
picks on others writes
although her writing bites

great big bully
eyes must be woolly
she attempts hurt
with words curt

Diana-Marie Bombardieri
January 29, 2012
Contest - Clerihew 2

“poetry is freedom of expression. Soupers should feel free to share their innermost thoughts without fear of being persecuted. Nobody likes a bully. If you do not have something nice or constructive to say, don’t say it”. 


Details | Couplet | |

Ewmer Fudd and Buggs Bunny Paint the Town Wed

Got home awound twee (I was dwunk as a wouse)
Awose pwomptly at five wit' dwy cotton-mouth
I knew wather soon my day was gonna' bwow
When I stwuggled outta' bed and stubbed my wight toe
Fwopped back on the mattwess cwying and twitchin' 
Staggoid back up and wimped to the kitchen
Stumbled to the counter to bwew Folger's bwend
Spiwwed it down my Hanes and boint my widdle fwend
Hobbled to the bathwoom to wustle up some Tums
Twipped on my fwip-fwop and bwuised my weft bun

Should not have cawoused wit' owe Bugsey wast night
Now my head hoits and de wight is too bwight
If I had not dwunk gin for my mowale booster
I coulda' swept in trew 'dat wascally wooster

(Don't feel wike wunning dat siwwy wat-wace
Tink I might caw in sick at the Woony-Tune pwace)

***Inspired by quote #4 in Giorgio's contest 
Tim Wyerson wote dis (Tim Ryerson)







Details | Couplet | |

You And I Can Smile


We can smile like a child who does not know yet many things,
In simple things he’s satisfied, showing his contented feelings.

We can smile like a drunken man, feeling so drowsy and woozy,
Who sings and wears a smile , trying  to forget and not to  worry.

We can smile like a chimpanzee, who’s so happy with a banana
After giving us a big grin, we can leave him and write our stanza.

We can smile like my  grandpa who dearly loves my grandma
Feeling Adonis with his strength, he’s never been into a stigma.

We can smile like blooming sunflowers on those summer days,
Despite the debilitating heat, we can still stand tall with grace.

We can smile like the sun that often shines so bright
Assuring that everyday  you and I will gonna be alright.

We can smile and smile even the world sometimes wrenches our heart,
For sadness is a transient and in God’s love, He keeps us without a doubt.

You can smile just like me, who’s already experiencing a bad memory,
But I  think I’ve  nothing to worry about, for the computer does all for me.

At all times, you and I can wear a smile in any way we want 
Infecting others to retain beauty, stay young in body and in heart. 


June 24, 2013  4.55am


Second Place
Contest: Smile
Judged: 6/26/13
Sponsor: My greatest poet and sis, Linda

Note: Giving my best to make you smile by making it a little bit funny ;). Have a great day in sunshine! Big sweetest hugs!


Details | Limerick | |

Princess Needs A New Car

Princess just wants a new car.
I have told her that hers will go far.
'Oh, it's really not cool
driving this crap to school.'
'Do I need that emotional scar? '

'The kids will all laugh at the rust.
When we race, I'll be left in the dust! 
I will save up some cash
then we'll make a mad dash
to the car dealer surely you trust'.

'He will make us a wonderful deal
and I'm sure you will know how I feel.
I will love you so much, 
My siblings... I won't touch.
Just get me behind a new wheel'! 

Now she'll be cruisin in style.
She'll be happy for only awhile.
There will always be better
and we'll try hard to get her
a car that will make princess smile.


Details | Rhyme | |

THE VANISHING ORGAN

Sam Ebenezer
a sad ol' geezer
was lamenting his shrinkage of late:
my worthless ding-a-ling
is a bell without ring
my manhood in diminishing state
 
From whence I salute
is thin as a flute
and soft to the touch as cashmere
I search with persistence
it offers resistance
on nature's call to appear
 
On heeding that call
no waterfall
a few errant droplets at best
where once from the middle
I gushed, now I piddle
and half of my load veers west
 
Both feet on the urn
pushing forth from astern
I chant 'emerge hocus-pocus'
with my punctured esteem
watch the pitiful stream
dwindle to drops as Limp loses focus
 
Our wee-membered friend
wished his size to amend
the stiffness rerouted from his joints
have it rise to occasion
and stand to attention
consulted ol' Doc for his viewpoint:

My snake is dead
no flesh;  just head
lies comatose and useless 
my garden hose
once warmed my toes
now wrinkled, dry and juiceless 

The senile old doctor
by name Alfred Proctor
had most of his wit in absentia
his breath smelt cheesy
Ebenezer felt queasy
Doc clearly suffered from senile dementia
 
Doc's hand took a dip
to just 'neath his ribs 
as Ebenezer voiced his concern
Doc smiled all the while
said:  your hopes are futile
there's no cure for your vanishing organ
 
I lost my virility
before my senility
long mourned my lost pride-and-joy
put my plight to rest
on realizing I'm blessed
to have in hand my own built-in toy

**************************************



Details | Limerick | |

Big Bang

This is one laymans' confession
(I have this nagging obsession)
A huge mass of matter
Explodes in a scatter
Here is my 'ignorant' question...

From whence came this gigantic ball?
Just how did the whole thing befall?
What was there before that?
And before even that?
And so on and so forth, et.al...

Blank space, only vacuum you say?
Endless void? Flat nothing? Okay...
Is nothing just nothing,
Or ain't nothing something
And what made the nothing I pray?


Details | Rhyme | |

The Last Word

I just got home
barely opened the door,
Took three steps
maybe two more.
I heard a voice
a voice of dread,
" When the log rolls over,
we'll all be dead."
Somewhat spooked
i looked all around,
not a person in sight
no where to be found.
Then i heard it again
that voice of dread.
" When the log rolls over,
we'll all be dead."
My senses all heightened
I picked up the tune,
it was off to my left
in my restroom.
I heard it again
but this time a cry,
"When the log rolls over,
we're all gonna die!"
I looked at the toilet
I was about to freak,
but I lifted the lid
I just had to peak.
I was lost for thought
even lost for word,
there in my toilet 
three flies on a turd.
One screamed so loud
I could hear him squeak,
"Close the lid
you stuppid geek!"
I laughed for a second
while scratching my head,
then I flushed the log
now they're all dead.
The Last Word......


Details | Limerick | |

Dancing Fool

Auntie Matilda is a dancing fool.
She took lessons at a discount dance school.
When she does the hippity hop,
even babies beg her to stop;
but Matilda’s dancing makes old men drool.


Details | Limerick | |

And She's Not Bad Lookin Either

Her Soup name we know as PD
Her REAL name is Linda you see
And Irma as well
Trevino! I yell
From my rooftop...Can’t hear me? (Poor me)

For a very special and loyal friend...


Details | Limerick | |

Brother Told Us

Brother told us sometimes that he peed
sitting down with a good book to read,
but with his ding-a-ling
he was having a fling
when we spied on him.  Good book indeed!


Written 5/20/14 for Roy Jerden's Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Limerick Contest

By the way, from comments I am getting, I need to let everyone know this is simply a fabrication. My brother told us nothing, and we never spied on him. And our small bathroom shared by ten people would not have suited this purpose! hahaha


Details | Rhyme | |

A Gentle Kiss

A gentle kiss, that I really must send To another true, and very dear friend Pucker up babe, it's coming your way And riding a storm, so it should be there today I licked my lips before I blew, so I know it's going to stick But with all the lightning, it might have a little kick So when it hits your lips, it might give off a little spark Now what started off as a gentle kiss, might be leaving you in the dark <3
*For my sweety* *Elizabeth Wesley* Love,Dannyboy 8-24-12


Details | Footle | |

It's All In How You Ask It

A Vague Question Bleary Query A Dull Question Dreary Query A Positive Question Cheery Query A Tired Question Weary Query A Doubtful Question Leery Query A Strange Question Eerie Query A Sad Question Teary Query A Question for Hubbie Dearie Query For the Footle Fun Poetry contest of yasmin khan


Details | Light Poetry | |

Armadilly Billy, The Slingshot Kidster

Armadilly came galloping into Troll Lake, bent on seeking a new life, to unwind.
He’d rode out of the Badlands, leaving only a trail of blowing dust and leaves, behind.
His steady stead Jalopy had been pounding feet, relentlessly with powerful strides.
Rearing up, Armadilly stopped before our Troll Bridge with his slingshot at his side.

I could see, he rode the sleekest mount, and the biggest tortoise, that I had ever seen.
Man that armadillo knew his tortoise flesh… this was the fastest one, ever been!
I would say: he truly looked, the devil’s mount… with glowing, fire stocked eyes.
The stranger named himself as Armadilly, but his true identity, could not be denied.

He was really Armadilly Billy, The Slingshot Kidster, as he bowed to us, so very low.
With a yes Ma'am, and a no Sir, he was smooth and could charm, near any old soul.
The Trolls loved him for the spell binding stories, that at the campfire, he gave away.
He never talked about his past, but we knew who he was, without being told, that day.

The rumor had it that Sheriff Bunny Garret had shot him dead, on one fateful day.
Another said he’d faked his death, heading south to Mexico, his life to live away.
But we knew better, for he was here with us, right now, on this illustrious day.
We knew he was a kind and misunderstood guy, because of what I’m about to say.

He saved our squirrel, Funkundilly, from a hawk diving straight for her, inward bound.
With his slingshot, like streaked lightening, he forced the hawk to spiral to the ground.
And we all applauded that Funkundilly was now, once again, so very safe and sound.
Then he strode, spurs a jangling, to dish out his own type of justice, so very renowned.

With a steely glint in his eye, he ordered the hawk away, or meet his end, he did convey.
And you can say that frightened bully hawk, really high tailed it, as he ran away.
Everyone celebrated that night, with Armadilly, all the way to dawn’s embrace.
Before he left, Armadilly knew from then on, he’d always have a home in this place.

But his mind was set on a wandering, more of this world’s adventures, to unweave.
So with a HiHo! Jalopy! He took off, leaving in another cloud of dust and leaves.
But I heard him shout that he’d be back again, soon… 
And we were sure, that’s just what he would do!


Inspired by Silly Billy the Kidster's--- Billy the Kid Blog
An epic poem by Carol Eastman


Details | Rhyme | |

My Dilemma of Soup, or No Love For The Crackers

Oh, nicker.  Oh, nacker.
I broke my poor cracker
While putting it in my soup.
I just wanted a nibble,
But the soup had to quibble,
And thus all my plans turned to poop.

So now I'm here sittin'
A poor man quite smitten
With no other crackers to spare,
On soup that's unlawful,
So twisted and awful,
That it kills with no thought and no care. 

Why can't it relate,
And learn not to hate,
My crunchy, crisp wafers of bread,
It would have much more fun
Not to mention for one,
My crackers won't all end up dead.

I suppose it’s too much
To ask soup for such
A commitment to love other food.
But till its attitude mends,
And it learns to make friends,
I believe that my crackers are screwed.


Details | Quatrain | |

Twas the Night Before Christmas

(warning: adult humor) Twas the night before Christmas when I and my groom finally found a motel but with just one room. My groom was in the bathroom - leaving me alone- so that he could douse himself with some cheap cologne. I - in my red negligee - thought of bump and grind, visions of his sugar plums dancing in my mind. Then a noise I heard outside gave me such a fright! who was out there in the snow on our special night? Opening our small room’s door, I felt like a goof. It was just an icicle falling off the roof. Then I felt a sudden breeze. One unlucky bride! As the door behind me shut, I was locked outside. When upon my motel door I began to pound, it was clear that my dear groom did not hear a sound. Right before my startled eyes, what should then appear? Someone dressed as Santa Claus, filling me with fear! His eyes, though not so cheery, lit up, seeing me as he crossed the street and came stumbling drunkenly. I stood helpless, trembling in scanty siren red when an icicle fell down clunking my poor head. I revived in the ER, thong still on my rump! Underneath my bandage was an enormous lump. Thankfully my groom was there, smelling of Old Spice. But we’d have no chance to give gifts naughty and nice. At our room I later saw Santa Claus was there - that same guy who’d seen me in sexy underwear. Having seen my accident he’d informed my groom right before he then collapsed stone drunk in our room. Santa on our honeymoon with cheeks rosy red, (but not one “Merry Christmas”), stole our wedding bed. For Jerry's "What's up with Santa" Poetry Contest


Details | Narrative | |

Emma and the Pies

Emma was a pretty girl, 
And was pretty wild.
She never minded what people said, 
Nor did she mind her mother.
Mornings when she left for school
She also left her books, 
Everyone would look at her, 
And also gave her looks.

She loved to comb through magazines,
Yet never combed her hair,
Her dad thought she should step it up,
So she’d step in puddles.
Now Emma wasn’t really bad
She just had had bad habits,
Deciding to turn her life around,
She turned right on the street.

Now as the child was trucking on home,
She saw a truck come at her,
The driver was screaming “Are you mad?”
It seemed he was mad at her.
She stood and watched the truck tip
Heard a tip, get out of the way.
The driver jumped out and flew in a rage,
While thousands of pies flew through the air.

As the pies began to land
On people and on land,
They all turned red, orange and blue
Emma almost felt blue too.
Now as she stood there looking sweet
Tasting the sweet from her dress,
Absolute anarchy went down
As people bent down to delight in a good old fashion pie fight.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
10.13.2014
Plenitude of Pies Contest 


Details | Quatrain | |

Crazy Thoughts No 1

Why do they call it 'tourist season'
If you're not allowed to shoot 'em
Seems like a great opportunity
To end the over crowding problem

If a house fly loses both of its wings
Would we have to call them 'walks'
Is it possible to have a civil war
Of course not that's just silly talk

Any idea what the best thing was
That came before sliced bread
If a turtle somehow loses its shell
Is it homeless, naked, or dead

I find this saying quite unnerving
“Practice” is what doctors do
And braille on drive-through windows
Find that kinda scary don't you

If a parsley farmer ever gets sued
Can they legally garnish his wages
Well that's enough of this silly talk
At times I go through these phases

© Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Personification | |

A Magic Adventure Of Peter The Pan

A Magic Adventure of Peter The Pan/AKA Peta The Fwying Pan

Peter was a fine young pan with blue eyes
Like all the other pans his age, except,
Peter could not yet pronounce 'R's'--he tried...
And 'L's'...so hard he tried. He even wept.

School had been especially hard today
Peter had been poked, teased, and made fun of
More this day than any other school day...
And the ride home took so long on the bus.

When he came through the door, his mama knew
"Why the long face? Are you hurt? Are you sick?"
"No ma'am," said Peter, "Just tiwad fwom schoow".
"Some cookies and milk may just be the trick!"

Mama said, as Peter sat down to eat.
By now, everyone was gathered around
To hear of his day--and sneak a treat.
So he told them his story...and they frowned.

"How can someone be so cruel! Makes no sense!
You are the smartest and brightest of pans!"
Said Debbie Dishwasher-- then cycle rinsed.
The rest agreed and came up with a plan.

"Okay! It's agreed!" said Bob the blender.
"You need magic!--THAT--we can render!

Charles Chalice and Gail Goblet--my dear
Bring what you have, for this magic milk shake.
Michael Magic Grill...you go get us some beer
And also get Peter a great big steak!"

Then everyone sang together with cheer:
"A parr-ty! A parr-ty! It's a parr-ty!
We are all...having...a magic--parr-ty!"

Everyone was busy, hust'ling around.
Tams the Golden Toaster was making toast.
Tex Texas Tea Pot hummed a whist'ling sound.
David Dish and Sara Spoon danced the most,
Except for Marlon Mop--he could 'get down'!

Carol Crock Pot was fixing up the Soup.
Russell Rolling Pin had rolled out a crust
For a magic pie with love from the coop.
Joann Juicer made fresh smoothies--a must!
Suddenly...a sound was heard on the stoop...

"Who could that be? It's nearly midnight!"
Said Cyndi Chandlier all bright with light.
Christopher Cutting-board called, "I'll go see!"
Vienna Vaccume said, "Not without me!"

"Wait!" Debbie Dishwasher cried from the sink.
"Let's look at more options. We need to think.
It could be someone in need of a meal...
Or, it's a burglar--come here to steal!"

"Everyone else! Quickly! Hide inside me
Until we find out who that sound might be!"

deborah burch©
5/23/2012

*****end part I...conclusion in part II




Details | Rhyme | |

Herbie The Frog

Herbie the frog with the lopsided hop
Would travel in circles till he tired and stopped
Then jump into the pond with a giant kerplop
As the bullfrogs laughed and croaked till they dropped.

It mattered not where Herbie was bound,
Even when swimming he went round and round.
Amongst all the pollywogs he was renouned
For going and going and not gaining ground.

Poor Herbie had no trouble just staying busy,
But circling and circling made him so dizzy.
He lived in a pond he couldn't cross,
But one things for sure, he never got lost.




Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

Attention: WORD NERDS--------- The Eight Parts of Speech

---------------------- "Word Nerds" (like me)...
************Please Have Fun & Read VERY Closely:)***********


now and again
a word 
sneakily obscure
approaches the fog in me
screams its name 
suddenly 
apropos adverbs appear
clearly 
startling 
perplexing 
precarious adjectives
slick little nouns
caught hiding 
beyond babbling brooks
sent to exile
defiling crooks
"pro"fessional nouns
jailed
beneath eight parts of speech
preposition'ed 
pre'fixed subjects
elusive predicates
slithering suffix'ation
turn-ing key
delicately 
through holes
freeing vocabulary
trapped 
within prison walls
synonyms 
pen bars 
filled in the past 
participles
plagued 
like Job's tedious job 
of siphoning
deciphering 
homographs from heteronyms 

words never mind...
 
they wind the mind
gliding 
in the wind...





Details | Rhyme | |

A FROG NAMED RIBBIT

I once had a frog named Ribbit
I was headed to school he croaked, "skip it"
I thought this is insane 
When my frog called me by name
I tried to tell others but they wouldn't hear it

So I went to a psychic to get advice
My frog interrupted and ask her real nice
Will I have happiness or sorrow
What will happen on the morrow
Show us that you're worth the high price

She said, Oh I see you with a beautiful lass
She'll be checking out your shiny green a--
Her eyes will be glued to you
Yeah, she can't wait to tear into you
You'll be on pins and needles in her Biology class

Contest: Carol's "Animal Alive"
Date:7-24-14


Details | Haiku | |

HAPPILY MERRILY DIVORCED

                       --- BEFORE---

love birds coo coo  coo
mouths holding honeymoon hands
sailing rapture glow

                        ---NOW---

he morphed into a  shabby computerholic couch potato
triple sour grudges, the twisted naggings piercing falceto
mr. droid in the attic snoring, his belly bloated like a preggy hag
while garbage stinks as rotting romance wilts on witches’ swag
no night dates, he tickles women online with bills climbing loco loco
 
                               --- AND THEN---

 merrily soon-to-be-an ex, the droidcoholic shocked bones anew
 without a pre-nup, his mother’s mansion's in my name--- woo hoo!


( for P.D's divorce club contest)


Details | Limerick | |

Titillating Experience

Mom caught her boob in the washer’s wringer
Rotor made Mom an opera singer
    Tit for tat, she got redder
     Pop struggled with the lever
I pulled the plug, was able to spring ‘er

Wow!  Mum is the word on this awful day
We don’t refer to this deed of foul play
     “Hah! Your Dad’s a dud," she cried
     As with pain pills she was plied
Now under the radar Pop stays away




*Entry for David William’s Palindrome Mad Contest
By Carolyn Devonshire

Palindrome Words:
Mom, boob, rotor,  tit, tat, redder, Pop, Wow, Mum, refer, deed, Hah!, Dad, dud, radar


Details | Limerick | |

Runaway Train

An outdoor wedding, no sign of rain
The bride’s gown had a 10-foot train
     Crossing the lawn to her bequeathed
     Fido snatched the train in his teeth
And Pop watched eight grand go down the drain


Details | Rhyme | |

A Cat With A Knack

I have a cat 
A real fat cat
My cat is all black 
My black fat cat 
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat 
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat 
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back 
From  my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat


Details | Rhyme | |

Best Medicine

If laughter's the best medicine
I think I've had an overdose
It's coursing through my body
From my head down to my toes

I'm worried about my Ass
They say you can laugh it off
I'm building up pressure
Like a giant Molotov

I am taken to the funny farm
They think I've gone nuts
I started seeing animals
Walking around without butts

How is it possible
It seems like a bad joke
I'm laughing so hard
I start to cough and choke

I guess in the end
I really did overdose
It didn't quite kill me
But it really came close

So control your laughter
Maybe one chuckle's enough
That dang old funny
is powerful stuff



written by: Richard Lamoureux
Smile you're on Candid Camera Contest


Details | Dizain | |

Creeping Naked

Wearing clothes to bed simply makes no sense I must float freely on my waterbed But when I wake in the morning, I’m tense Wrinkles from the sheets on my skin imbed Rolling out of bed, I lower my head All of my windows and blinds are open Crawling, I fear neighbors might see butt skin A snake, I slither in my birthday suit Trying to avoid boob sighting again And the tattoo that sits on my “patoot” I made a mistake reaching for my robe The rack fell down hard, landing on me Here I lay thinking my world’s out of whack I struggle but there’s no way to get free My Life Alert bracelet rang out quickly No success grabbing a sheet from the bed The rescuers arrived in warp-speed time To find a nude lady well past her prime Face down, the tattoo was now in full view Explaining what happened, I’d quite a time
*Entry for Cyndi’s “Birthday Suit” contest April 24, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Blood on the Saddle

We are taking a long horseback ride
On the great continental divide
    They are singing "Mule Train"
    Just like old Frankie Laine
While my poor butt is wailing "Rawhide"

The guide's muscles are trapezoidal 
With ripples and bulges steroidal 
    All the bulges I find 
    Are inside my behind 
And for sure are all hemorrhoidal

I guess I'm a poor city slicker
Of riding I couldn't be sicker
    I would rather be home
    Where no buffalo roam
With sitz bath and plenty of liquor

The trail is finally on the last branch
All the bleeding at last I can stanch
   The guide said there's a hut
   Where he'll tend to my butt
Here at the Brokeback Mountain Dude Ranch

July 13, 2014


Details | Burlesque | |

A Bad Day at the Eye Doctor's- a true story

"It was 6 or 7 years ago
Or so I'd like to think
I traveled to my eye doctor..
(I should'a seen a "shrink"!!)

My dad and I we awaited
In a filled up waiting room
Patients all a'seat
Magazines all askew
There wasn't much to say there
There wasn't much to do...

Slowly I did notice
Some odd glances made at me...
Some hand-covered conversations...
Some smirks I seemed to see

It made me feel self-conscious
They seemed fixed looking at me in my seat
When slowly I did realize...
That they were staring at my feet...

I looked down, and to my horror
And much to my surprise...
A sight I could not fathom...
I could not believe my eyes!!!

For one foot was well fitted
with tennis sneaker white...
The other a black dress shoe
It was a startling sight!!!

Now I found how hard it was
to hide one's mismatched feet
I wished to God to run out
And escape onto the street

I was red with great embarrassment
and shocked how stupid I could be!
Had I been that darn sleepy?
Or could I just not see?

Then it slowly dawned on me,
Well, darn it, here I sit....
Proves I need an eye-doctor...
and I don't give a sh__......."


Details | Rhyme | |

I Get the Feeling

When you pack my luggage but won't pack my lunch
When you lock me out I get a hunch
When you put thumb tacks on the bathroom floor
I get the feeling you don't love me no more

I found hair remover in my can of Rogaine
The nail in my car seat caused me so much pain
When you microwave my favorite CD
I get the feeling you don't care for me

When you toss a salad but it's at my head
When you squeeze my neck until my face turns red
Then keep on squeezing until the red turns blue
I get the feeling that you think we're through

When you let the dog shred my brand new shoes
When you put a laxative in my jar of booze
When you say your nightmare began the day we met
I get the feeling that you are upset

When you cut off the arms on my overcoat
And try to put a rope around my throat
Then mix Ben Gay with my jock itch cream
I get the feeling you like to see me scream

When you lean an axe against the bedroom wall
And start putting needles in a voodoo doll
Then pull a knife and say come on let's play
I get the feeling I should go away


Details | Rhyme | |

Phantom At The Foot Of The Bed

Normally, I'm not one to be alarmed by things that go bump in the night,
But the other night I saw something that gave me a most dreadful fright!
I awoke to make a visit to you know where (as us old guys are prone to do)!
As I lay there half asleep, a very eerie figure came into my field of view!

Still in a sleepy stupor, at the foot of the bed, I saw a spectre peering at me!
I pulled the covers over my ears yet kept one eye open so that I could see,
Who this interloper could be that so rudely interrupted my peaceful rest,
And could surely be the cause of a potentially serious cardiac arrest!

A ray of moonlight shone upon the scary apparition causing me more alarm!
My spouse was serenely snoring and I hesitated to poke her with my arm.
I moved and it advanced toward me - it was a most fearsome sight!
I saw that it had several appendages, all glowing ghostly white!

Things were looking rather grim for me on that dark and stormy night!
To make matters worse, the clock struck twelve reminding me of my plight!
The shaking of the bed and chattering of my teeth aroused my wife to wake!
I cautiously pointed to the spook that caused her to do a double take!

Now the bed was really shaking due to her uncontrollable guffaw!
She pointed out a startling fact that caused me to drop my jaw!
"You addlepated nincompoop!  From you I don't want to hear another peep!
That spook you saw was your foot so shut up and let me get back to sleep!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 7 in Linda-Marie's "CREATURES" of the Night" Contest - Sep 2011


Details | Acrostic | |

Lines to Live by Thanks M W

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.
Every woman knows, an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. 
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
When they say boldly go where no man's gone before, they don't mean the kitchen.
Honey when I said I wanted something to hang my hat on I didn't mean THAT!
Any port in a storm is a good way to divorce court dearie!
Titillating is not an excuse for going to girlie bars.
Anyone got a buck I could sure use one?
Grab a piece of arse will you, it may be the last thing you ever grab.
Anal retentive? You don't say!
Lip service now there's a concept.....

*Listen for the drum roll!


Details | Rhyme | |

Canned Unicorn Meat

Majestic and grand, a wonderous mythical creature, The central horn on their head is the prominent feature. I’m afraid I don’t know much more about the unicorn, But not sending you a birthday wish, I become forlorn. So it seems I don’t have the knowledge to do this write, And so I thought about this problem with all my might, Did some research and found you something really neat, It’s made in County Meath Ireland, canned unicorn meat. Really pleased with myself to achieve such a perfect find, Then I read, you can’t eat the meat ~ just blows my mind. Seems the contents are torn apart stuffed unicorn parts, Imagine someone thinking up this item, they had the smarts. Well Poet ~ Destroyer, wish you the very best birthday, Sorry my poem on unicorns didn’t have more to say. View the ad on www.thinkgeek.com its really sweet, And I hope the joys of your Birthday are truly complete.
*IN HONOUR OF POET ~ DESTROYER’S BIRTHDAY OCTOBER 7*
Written by Lee Ramage with love! October 3, 2012 For Poet ~ Destroyer’s contest “Spoil me- with Unicorn poems”


Details | Rhyme | |

His Old Pick-Up Truck

He begs me to come, but he's run out of luck You won't catch me dead in that beat-up old truck! It was painted blue...now the color is rust But you can't be too sure...since it's covered in dust!... The engine must idle, (about an hour is good) You can feel the vibration, around the whole neighborhood A life is at risk, if you go for a ride! The windshield is broken, and leaks rain inside It makes a weird noise, rides bumpy and rough The dashboard is littered and covered with "stuff" The seat cushion's torn, and it pokes at my rear The dog sits beside us and licks at my ear There's no place below us, for resting my feet There's a hole in the floor, O my God, there's the street!!! The windows don't close, so there's more than a breeze Wrappers from Twinkies, a Burger King box... One lonely old sneaker, and smelly old socks Half a stale donut smashed down on the floor Darn!! The dog beat me to it, and is looking for more!! The muffler is loose, you can see the sparks fly Dirty looks from the folks, who get smoke in their eyes When we drive by the neighbors, I duck my head and I hide I'm no Prima Donna....but I've still got some pride!! He loves that old truck, he calls her a gem! Make him choose between us??? ....I'd be out on a limb!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Verlena Walker's Slamming Battle Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Not Mine

I started my morning off with a stretch
Then off to the closet my clothing to fetch

I never noticed the dog in the dark
I stepped on his tail he started to bark

That woke my wife I think she is mad
If mom's not happy everyone's sad

Once she got up she woke up our son
He never gets up till the crack of one

Now here we sit the thee of us grumpy
Eating this porridge that's warm and lumpy

I look in my wallet for my lottery ticket
Check the numbers while I eat my bisquet

I know your thinking that maybe I won
Then this stupid poem would finally be done

Sorry you are wrong just one more line
I am so so happy this life isn't mine


Details | Light Poetry | |

" Ike and Jane "- sequence 2

The name's Ike.
Some a ya might a met me before,
in my very first write,
and knew me as the stalker with the walker.
"Retired Romance" was the name,
Spoke about meetin' my wife,
She's here with me, name is Jane.
I likes ta call her the Mrs.,
cause I never thought that would happen again.
Now she like ta near smother me with kisses,
but gives me room ta write now and then.
We had us one of them honeymoons,
she says it ain't over yet.
But dang, if'n it ain't over soon,
we'll have ta call me in a vet!

Ennyways, I wanted ta give y'all a heads up
that I'll be a writin' from time to time .
We'd like ta thank y'all for the nice thumbs up,
'bout our first little Retired Romance rhyme,
and let y'all know that me and the Mrs. .. well..
.                                                  ..we doin' just fine !
.                  "Nite nite darlin."


Details | Rhyme | |

The Pursuit

Where is it now that I put my heart
The last time I took a break from love
I remembered thinking I wouldn’t need it for awhile
So I put it in a place high above

I feel so silly now
I mean it’s so important
And I knew I would need it again
But I was trying to be logical
And I wasn’t ready  
With my heart to contend

I don’t know, maybe it’s a sign
And I’ll just leave it hidden away
It’d be so much easier if that dreamy voice
Wasn’t always purposed my way

Gosh if only you knew
Dag gone I bet you do
How when you lean in close for affect
The breath of your whispers
Leave me completely unglued 
When they gently caress my neck

Oh men! I can’t stand ‘em
See that squint in my eye
And my nose pointed up in the air
My arms are folded and I’m quite determined
Then you turn and catch my stare

Oh Geez! I used to be much better at this
You ask for my number to phone
I give it to you willingly 
But for three days
 I 
   Will
           Not
                 Be 
                     Home!


Details | Rhyme | |

Hey, That's My Money

Well, I see that Congress is proposin' another trillion dollar spree!
Those inept buffoons must think money grows upon a tree!
The treasury is crankin' out bales of twenty-dollar bills,
Doin' their part to cure (and inflate) the nation's many ills!

Funds were 'loaned' to help carmakers, now they're hollerin' fer more!
A ton of dough was 'loaned' to banks, but ain't nobody keepin' score!
Millions was designated to help home foreclosures to abate.
Where has my money gone?  I've seen minimal results to date!

Funds are proposed fer more sand fer the beaches of New Joisey,
And city officials want a water park out west in frigid Boise!
Frenzied lobbyists are scurryin' about fer a portion of the pork,
To build an emergency landin' strip on the Hudson in New York!

Money is probably well-spent fer roads, bridges and agin' sewers,
But spare me the cost of subsidizin' sports arenas and sozzled brewers.
Lack of foresight by the banks and politicians got us in this mess,
Now they cover their boondoggles with my money, nonetheless!

Hordes of politicians gleefully gather at the bottomless trough,
Elbowin' others fer largesse they claim will make us better off.
Is there no end to compensatory spendin' and open-ended lendin'?
Hey!  That's my money you fellers are so very inept at spendin'!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Whistle worry

I cannot whistle
It's sad but true
I try and try
yet no sound comes through

My lips I purse
My teeth I grit
I try real hard
but blow out spit


Details | Free verse | |

Interview

Sitting in a cloak of black conservatism:

I feel my hands,
oily on the desk like shortening in
slate gray cookie pans,
the speedway inside forcing the absence of 
reabsorption,

And my thoughts,
so flippant to implore
if a man with a chartreuse neck tie
can see the long wet streaks
across the cherry plane.

He speaks,
a sequence of interrogatives
common to the bored walls
of serious conference,
evoking tone inflection
in the pattern of polite.

Darest I mention truth?

I am your whore;
infect me with smug integrity,
smack me with false prophet leadership,
just leave some crisp bills
on the nightstand, sugar.

Yet my voice models his wavelength,
relaying back the catchy tired language
of one hit wonders;
eyes brighten,
hands extend
from the man who owns a chartreuse tie.

Sigh.

Still,
complacency
awards a loaf of Wonder bread,
and a two bedroom lower.


Details | Free verse | |

Happy New Year From The Unicorns

So far I've done everything I could possibly do this year.
I've given thorough thought to cleaning up my act.
These early-day hours have been rough-house
The storm shudders inside me are all grimy, they need tending to,
I just need to find them first.
So tired from last night,
Riding unicorns through the stars.
(No one believes me.)
Trouble is we're all blinking too fast for our own good as it is.
I've done everything I've promised to do this year, so far,
And I haven't even made the promises yet.
That's how interesting I've been lately.
You have no idea how hard it is to be this interesting.
Riding Bellyglow through the thrushes of song birds...
I probably don't know, either.
What a bucket of letters this is.
Thanks for Peking, thanks for Hong Kong.
Happy New Year.


Details | Limerick | |

Be Careful what you Hook

  I once heard of a fisher Luciano,
  who sang bass as he played on his piano.
  Once he fished and cast his line
  by mistake hooked his behind
  since that day, when he plays he sings soprano.

  How many syllables.com
  11, 11, 7, 7, 11
  
  11.11.2014
  Sponsor Roy Jerden
  Limericks Clean and Clever 


Details | Free verse | |

The Human Smile

Nothing in the world so disarming,
so charming in it's domain.
Across a crowded room or two feet away
it's all the same.
The shortest distance between two people
despite any other claim.
Is for now and will forever be
with no denial the human smile.


Details | Limerick | |

Black-Water Blues

Diz Cajonne dey call Thibodaux
Paddle dis girl in his Pirogue
Den he see dem unmention
Dad tool stan at attention
She slap him stick HARD doncha' know

Dad pole shrink awful fas he yell whoa!
Sha, whad did you swat dad ting fo?
Now it at parade rest
Like diz bird in a nest
She-say-"I-scared-a'-dem-SNAKE-buddy-ohh!"

PD's contest


Details | Free verse | |

Basements Basements

This is just for fun..=)




In the basement of my heart
there is a basement
and in that basement there are two basements. 

You open one
and enter the basement 
only to find out there is yet another basement

That basements basement 
was light and blue
But that basements basement
was black

from basement to basement you walked 
until you couldn't anymore

The basements basements 
basements basements basements 
basements basements basements basement
of my heart.

You found my love...


Details | Monorhyme | |

Cleaning Solution

Sticky smears on the table top.
on the couch spilled soda pop
one chewed up shoe and one flip-flop
I’m doomed to clean this mess non-stop
            
Greasy dog bones gone astray
found buried in the rug today
the hamster made a getaway
where he’s gone it’s hard to say.

The shower drain is plugged, I swear
the tub has grout and needs repair
dirty laundry everywhere.
it really is a mess out there.

Under beds dust bunnies show
all closets are on overflow
the fridge is packed with things that grow
dishes clog  the sink, I know.

Spaghetti sauce dumped on the floor
12 eggs broke, need I say more
fingerprints on every door
this place,  a never-ending chore

Just when I think things can’t get worse
the leaking fish tank cracked and burst
40 gallons was dispersed
I think this house is cursed.

In every corner, ledge and groove
dirt and grim must be removed
there’s one solution I approve
pack your things, we’re going to move!



Liz Relly – 3/06/2012
“Cobwebs and Dust”  Contest (new start)


Details | Ballad | |

What's in a Name .

Mom.. I think I might be homosexual..
CALM~DOWN !.. I just said THINK !..
It's not I fear
My multi~studded ear ,
Or that I look stunning dressed in pink .
I wont complain ,
As I sip champagne
Of my blemish~free youthful looks ,
Or how I enjoy the finer things in life ;
Like fine art , or poetry books .
 NO !.. I never joined the Girl~Guides .
 You're being silly...patronizingly .
I dont like damp
But I do love camp....
'Specially in Summer , by the sea .
I like being with Brad and Christopher ;
Young Lloyd is such a dear
And Mourice is such  a sweet lad ;
Yes.. I'll always keep them near .
But , deep inside my inner soul
When push will come to shove .
For my own part ,
Who has my heart ,
Yes !.. It's Annie I really love .
But one thing that still bothers me ,
And will , until my dying day ....
Is , when on that morn....
Yes!.. When I was born..
WHY ! !.. Did you name me  GAY ??...


Details | Chastushka | |

Words From a Dandelion

I see your pretty flowers sprout, so bringing charm, I put down roots. but hating me, you yank me out. You fool, I just bring more recruits! 9/8/14 for Dr. Mehta's Chastuska Me Poetry Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Dont Mess With Crazy Women

Darlin I just cant keep a eye on you.
Everytime I stop to relax.
I find were threw.

You say leave but dont go far.
Untill you find yourself my dear.
I'll be down at the bar.

So many moods for such a little person indeed.
Forget me when your pissed.
And call me whenever your in need.

Your love is like a brick.
It really hurts when  thrown.
You left me a million messages.
Dear crazy women please leave 
me alone.

You dont know how to act normaly let 
alone when you drink.
My darlin you dont need anything  except for a 
shrink.

And maybe a nice straight jacket with a muzzle 
to.
After you stabbed me lastnight.
You really didnt  have to call me in the hospital 
and tell me were through.

They say love is sweet but this 
seems more like a lemon.
The moral of this story fellas
is dont mess with crazy women.


Details | Rhyme | |

W Z 8

My name is W. Z, 8.
I do not start work until late
You may recognize my orange hue
As I clearly come into your view

I am a street lamp, here I always stand
Life for me is not always grand
I’m going rusty though covered in galvanise
This drab grey colour I really do despise

Your dogs they love to wee up me
How would it be if I gave them a jolt of electricity?
They hang scoop the poop signs upon me
Can someone tell me where’s my dignity

I am not political yet every election
They hang their signs on me it looks like an infection
Pictures upon me of a lost cat and dog
My yellow light lets you see them in the fog

Sometime my bulb may just get broke
All the other lamps they make jokes 
At night I see tramps sleeping in boxes
That and the owls and the urban foxes

They say Prince Charles likes to hug a tree
Can someone tell me why no one will hug me?
Is it that I’m about twenty feet tall
Do I not provide a service to you all?
 
So after this I hope you appreciate
Me working in the dark and very late
In the future don’t hit me with your car
Because my life is already hard enough by far


Details | Couplet | |

You Say- I Say

You say things that are really mean
I say that I'm still pretty lean
You say I'm fat and that's unfounded
I say I'm not fat, just well rounded
You say my big waist makes me look like a clown
I say that's not my waist, my chest fell down
You say I should be able to touch my toes with ease
I say you're right, if they were on my knees
You say my socks don't match, I should be more discreet
I say it's not my fault, I can't see my feet
You say I'm too heavy for my height, that's what you state
I say you're wrong, I'm just too short for my weight
You say I should weigh one eighty, no more
I say I'm five ten, I should be six four
You say next Halloween I should dress up as a mouse
I say I'll wear a window and go there as a house
You say I should get more exercise and try to shed a pound
I say that when I sit around, I really sit around
You say at the theatre you were embarrassed and didn't know what to do
I say it was because you sat in seat number three while I sat in one and two
You say I thought you were watching your weight
I say I am, I'm watching it inflate
You say being with me doesn't seem the same anymore
I say I'm still the same, just a whole lot more
You say you'd call if I were thinner
I say just don't call me late for dinner
You say we should work out at the gym down the street
I say we should get up and go out to eat.


Please note! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.


Details | Sonnet | |

Note to a Lady in Waiting

The white charger's belly is bloated with hay
The helmet helm's rusted quite shut
The tack room door hinges are tearing away
The leather's un oiled  and dry
The lance is still good
It is bracing the fence
but  I traded the sword for a pen
I am presently seeking a page
So if you're still waiting
and anticipating 
A Lochinvar ending of sorts
I shall purchase wild oats for the horse
I recall how to sow them of course
With hardly a shred of remorse


Details | Limerick | |

Tim And His Kelly Green Mustang


I have a friend by the name of Tim, He keeps in shape when frequents the gym. His Kelly green Mustang he drove And smack'd it into a cove. The witches got him and ate one of his limbs! Dorian Petersen aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014


Details | Rhyme | |

The Mad Hatters

Madness, the Hatter blinks. 
Madness, Oz's link. 
Repercussions of concussions.
Madness was Portnoy's complaint**, 

Madness must reciprocate!

Hallucinations filter by....
Leary* winks at Dali's eye.
A house lands on Dorothy's thighs...
Chicken Little wanders by.
 
"Madness," Hitler's honcho’s sneer. 
Madness splices genes with fear. 
"Lobotomize!" becomes the cheer. 
Kellogg’s* enema's find waiting rears.

"Are you the ass? Or is it me? 
Have I ears and a nose? What do you see?"
"Hehawww," said Pinocchio's friends.
"Heeehaw," said Darwin* back again.

Round and round went Steven Hawkings*.
"Madness," said Lenore's raven* squawking.
"Madness," said Einstein* in a blink. 
"Reciprocate!," said the missing link.

Reference Poem Knock Knock by The Archaic Poet - topic madness

* Art by Salvador Dali
* Portnoy's Complaint by Phillip Roth states
   if you know you are crazy than you must be sane.
* Timothy Leary explored LSD and other hallucinogenic drugs.
* Kellog [of cereal fame] proposed enema's as the cure to 
   all health ills, plus loads of sex!
* Darwin proposed man evolved from apes.
* Edgar Allen Poe was mad when he wrote The Raven.
* Einstein had aspergers syndrome a type of 
* Steven Hawkings is a wheelchair bound scientist who autism. 
   extrapolates on the edge of mathematical reality.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Two Riding On A Single

Two riding on a single
Man! How fast that bike will go
Down the hill around the curve
Blow wind blow

At the very bottom piled up
In a culvert drain
In great agony and pain
Totally distained

Crumpled metal, torn clothes
Bleeding and blood stains
Harsh words from parents
Tears as soap and water cleaned

All the cuts and bruises
And clothes that had to be changed
What an ending to Christmas
The joy of Santa's gift

Lying dented and scuffed bent
Beside the porch needing to be fixed


Details | Free verse | |

All man well almost

My suntan comes from a bottle
My hair from a wig maker in Peru
My legs are very hairy
I have to put my teeth in to chew
I have had plastic surgery
And a nip and tuck
And I'm soon to have my nose done
With a bit of luck
My lips are bigger than Mick Jagger's
And I have that wind tunnel look
And I'm quite a catch by anybodies book


But I'm all man
Well almost
But I do what I can
I do have a six pack
But keep it in the cooler
Yes I'm quite a man
I measured it with a ruler.

So come on ladies grab me while you can
When I've got my teeth in and wig up on my head
They say I look like George Clooney
But then I look in the mirror
And I think they meant Mickey Rooney.

Ar well can't have everything
But my heart is loving and true
I may not be organic no more
With all the plastic surgery
But there's much more than that to me.





Peter Dome.copyright.2014. July.


Details | Blank verse | |

Fall

Fall and
red yellowing 
leaves in the trees
an old man sitting 
on a bench
watches them 
fall
and thinks of his youth
a youth 
sitting on a bench
looking into his iPhone
simulates the falling 
red yellowing leaves
and goggles 
the future 
of trees


Details | Abecedarian | |

Petty-Cured

A ngelically, they sit at the feet of their 
b etters, smiling, stroking, smoothing away
c ares. Their jet black hair a contrast to the
d o's of the alabaster few whose toes they
e nliven with creams, and oils.

F awning seems second nature to them
g rumbling is beneath their breath,
h iding their true feeling, playing the
i cy China doll.

J ests in Mandarin or Korean fly like 
k amikaze airplanes over the
l olling heads of the gaijin.

M atrons with muffin tops spilling over,
n avels too buried to be seen
o rder cupie dolls with
p orcelain skin to polish their
q ueerly shaped toes to
r ed perfection.

S adly, even after callouses are shaved
t o soft pink skin, coats and
u nder coats of filler and polish are
v icariously added these
w omen;
x enophobic as they are
y ap about the ignorance of the East.
Z ealots make strange pedicure patrons!

* Abecedarian LINE or verse beginning with a letter of the alphabet in alphabetical 
order.


Details | Limerick | |

A Stone Age Transport Woe

Wilma cried, “We are going too slow!”
But poor Flintstone could no faster go.
Not because of a flat. 
No, for nothing like that.
It was just Fred had stubbed his big toe!

Written Nov. 14, 2014 
For the Limerick Clean and Clever Contest of Roy Jerden
Yabba Dabba DOO!!!! And Boo Hoo Hoo!!!


Details | Light Poetry | |

My Pockets

A purse is a thing I have never had
I'm missing something now I know it, its bad.

This could be why my universe is strange,
And how the natural order can be rearranged.

I am a woman a mom and the wife of a good man, 
But its pockets I have and they hold all that they can.

Money a priority, photographs too.
There's even a skrewdriver, the handle is blue.

My keys are a must I can't go with out them,
Chewing gums and tissues, for all of my men.

Two sons and a husband follow me around,
They always know they can come to me for a pound.

Phone numbers and  rings and even a locket,
These are the things I keep in my pockets

To restore my universe you must now tell,
The secret to get me a purse as well.

The trouble I have to get it in my clutches
I can't carry it around, my hands use my crutches.


Details | I do not know? | |

My Declaration of War on Self-Imposed Stupidity...WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!

All this hyped up glam and glitz
  giggly girls break down in fits
    these mascara clad boys devoid of wits
The shallower they go,  the deeper it gets
 
Sillouettes lacking inner angles and lines...
 The substance goes absent when the light shines...
Plotless drama without direction, still winds
 These tragically bad fads spread like vines

Overrun with Reality shows depicting what's REAL
  A mass zombie audience digesting their meal
Not In, but outside, this box they soften like veal
  Staring at a screen that numbs how they feel

When did the war on intelligence start?
  Losers not knowing that losing's not smart...
Cable providers gladly doing their part
  News channels selling half-truth ala carte

I will be a rebel and fight for your mind
 Hiding remote-controls where they won't find
Trading entertainment for knowledge in kind
  Giving books out to the voluntarily blind

 
It's gonna be a BATTLE!!!  WHO'S COMING WITH ME??!!
   
         
  




Details | Rhyme | |

What Became of the Soul Stripped from Johnson:

"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."


Details | Free verse | |

Mythical pest

My parents complain of a mythical pest,

Infesting our house since the 7th of July,

Devouring the snacks, desserts,

delicacies and everything hot, spicy or sweet,

Determined to find the beast,

Fattened with food meant for me.

with a magic wand and on a broom to hunt

set out may it be a lachupakabra or a lepricorn,

Scary or naughty and anything the creature might wield

ready with a device from my dad given to me with a grin

the device, the compass, the guide to the beast

was a mirror reflecting its scaled skin scarlet red

staring at me with cat like blue eye

fierce and mighty.

Not a pest but is a mythical beast

Omega and almighty! It was me

Perplexed, gave up the hunt.

now feasting on poisonously, maliciously, dangerously

in sugary syrup gulab jamuns soaking.


Details | Free verse | |

Funny Onion

Out shopping met an old friend from school
he turns to me serious looking
what are you at these days 
Well says I
working for a China man
picking up crumbs 
for disabled birds
Those with broken wings
who are unable to fly smiling
to warmer sunnier climates

Whoa he sounded shocked
he said what a job
What's the money like 
he asked laughing out loud
I said less than peanuts
out all weathers 
Barely feed a mouse

God I am glad he said 
that I have bumped into you
saying you have just really cheered me up
What a man really needed
Peanuts I replied
He began laughing 
saying that I was a character
really brightened up his dull day
leaving all I heard was him laughing


Details | Limerick | |

The Blond's Blinds

In the shower one day was a blond The door bell rang, she went to respond She shouted "who's there?" "It's the blind man" he declares "Hold on, I'll open the door to correspond" Seconds later she opens the door "Nice breasts" he says, as she looks to the floor "Here are the blinds you requested They have been hung and well tested Have you ever had blinds here before?" .


Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Briggs' cat

Mrs Briggs' cat. There's plenty to do in our neighborhood, with games and places to explore. But you really should run, 'cause the trouble's begun, when you hear that "meow" at your door. A cute little tabby cat sits on the step, all fluffy and gentle as can be. Just try not to be dim, as you pet it, on a whim, It'll eat you alive for its tea! "Tiddles" belongs to old Mrs Briggs, who lives up the end of my street. She thinks it's a breeze, but there're no guarantees, that this pussy will ever be sweet. Our local vicar thinks the damn thing's possessed, and I'd say that he's right on the nail. Surprised I would be, If I wasn't to see, Satan's head poking out of its tail! So if you see that tabby cat coming your way, I beg you, don't stand there and wait, Don't stroke it, don't pet it, look, sunshine, FORGET IT, Or that moggy will seal your fate!


Details | Narrative | |

And The Road Begins?

Mornings are dreadful time in life unless waking beside gorgeous woman hopefully 
a not married one  husbans can be such a downer.
And when ya wake to a warm beautiful creature by your side.
And the first thought that comes to your mind is i wonder whats for breakfest.

Then ya probaly cant read the menu to start with and desserve 
to have a oversized weight lifter re arrange your ribs.

Im a southern man once means several things  non of which means im normal.
And this morning finds my yerning for a trip and widespread  mischief.
My amigo had vanished after are trip south of the boarder I remember saying 
to myself as i watched him  running naked across the dessert  being chased 
by the flying monkeys  he was surley seeing after his consumption of a foreign substance 

There goes a fine american.

I would have ran after him  but  but i didnt want thoose things to turn there attention to me 
I herd they had a thing for southern  actscents.
And theres nothing  worse than a bunch of horney flying monkeys trust me 
Ive delt with this problem  befor.

and being it was happy hour i knew my slightly insane amigo would understand 
in all his naked glory.
Besides  I left him some sneakers  and a sixpack.
And kept his credit card for safe keeping.

Naked men have no place to keep credit cards and I figured he was in no state to handle 
money.

So as i sit  behind  the wheel  ready to to get lost in the madness of fast food and
  the ant hill of insanity that is wall mart i turn my thoughts to vegas.
For where would a lost nude slightly insane person  run to and feel at home.

I had turn the music up to drown out the sound of whoever was in the trunk.
I figured if i had put sombody in there  in a drunken moment.
It had to be for a good reason.

And so with slightly hungover mindset are road begins.
and so with that do the games also.
And i figured hanging around with a cops wife wasnt the smartest idea.
That and im allergic to bullets.

My muse and 16 year old spirtiual advisor had phoned me to say that.
I probaly needed to Invest in the spirt of Jack Daniels  today.
And hey she had went to church more than once  so who was I to argue.

With a five five spitfire by the name of tinker.
so with A unknown companion in the trunk not helping my hangover i was off
to the races  Untill next time kiddies. 
Adios and im off to find my amigo.


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

Gigi

Gigi

You question duskiness "Whereas he be?"
Be careful pal; he hides behind the tree!
Inside the sneaky shades he aptly lurks
because you've drunk too many Cuty Sarks.

You, silly chump! You're shaking on your feet;
Contele Dracula* he is and tough tidbit;
he lives inside your foolishness' resource
and punishes your wrongs without remorse.

Excess in drinking could be bad for you;
tis not that you'll become a drunk boo-hoo
but he'll metamorphose to baseball bat
and if you drink again, he'll kick your butt.

I know you're stupefied and very scared
cause Gigi hides in pizza boxes where'd
jump up, if thee besotted be and fool,
and then consume your pizza, super-cool.

Admit it, dude! You're shivering in fear!
But if you prayed he would disappear,
expect him to start dancing everywhere-s,
and jingle, so, his spurs upon your stairs.

Ha ha! Hill Billy, you! Outside your house,
behind the pumpkins, sound the irked meows:
bewildered Gigi cats will jump ahead,
inside your car and on your empty head.

You should, thus, paint your house pistachi'o green
cause if you stall before your PC screen
he'll haunt the lines of your poetic calls
and bats will eat your order of spring rolls.

© 10-02-2014, G. Phookan, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic Pentameter) 
* Contele Dracula = Count Dracula in Romanian

Sponsor: Diane Locksley
Contest Name: Halloween Co-Writes


Details | Rhyme | |

I've Already Met You

The first date's the hardest. I never know what it is I should do.
I take you to dinner. You don't eat, you just play with your food,
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her.

We go back to my apartment where I proceed to go south on you.
You tell me you're bored cause I can't find that damn guy in the canoe,
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her.

You say I'm the one, the one you cand spend the rest of your life.
"When will we marry?" you ask, "When will you make me your wife?"
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her,
and the girlfriend I had before her,
and the girlfriend I had before her.

Inspired by:
Well, some friggin song I recently heard but can't get outta my head.


Details | I do not know? | |

Imagination

I have a wandering mind
my lines as I draw them
over the grid as I steer them
through intersections
I veer them
perspectives I see
when I peer them...
detecting truth
in the dots as I hear them

A gentle Awe
the sound of pause
soft claw.ing sings from my pen
when the lines are drawn
and my mind goes wandering...

About U
Imagination.
My artful perception.

56 signed.The Declaration...


Details | Free verse | |

Curved Lips

Sometimes I laugh while reading in the library
Sometimes librarians come over and tell me to be quiet
Sometimes they ask if everything is okay
And always always I answer "yes"


Details | Rhyme | |

Too Much E-mail


Oh, no! It's happening again, When I went to open my e-mail So much garbage I found there,what a pain And to my dismay knew I was getting nailed. Everyday I get so much spam e-mail, To give me a headache without fail, They sneak on me, like a fatal disease, And try to bring me, all the way down, to my knees. Eh, Buster! What's this with your stupid e-mail? You give me nightmares like some horror tale, I erased it, but the next day three more copies came, Eh! You better stop that now! that this is not a game. Your whole attitude really sucks, I can't believe the things you do for a buck. Don't you have better things to do too? Than pestering and screwing people, like you do. Eh, buster! I know sometimes things are bad, But, why,do you to make it worse by making me also mad? And what's this about me helping you with some money, Do you really think? that I am that dim or brained-dead? All your e-mail tactics really amazed me, You want me to… what did you say, again? Eh, buster, I won't do that,not in a million years! So I want you to know that all your trouble is in vain. I am so happy when I see my friends' e-mails, That's one of the best things that everyday I still get, But, what's my horror when I see them buried by trash, No! I don't need to lose any weight, because I am still fit. Oh no!My server is telling me they've stopped my email, Eh, you buster!is all your fault, for sending me trash, And now I have to delete it all in the next hour or two, Eh punk,! You better don't mess up with me anymore here. What did you say about me? About getting some prozac, Who says, I am depressed? And my liver is okay and I don't take pills, What did you say now? That you have something for my boobs to grow Eh Buster! I don't need that!or to grow anything in that "place” neither. Eh, you! You're so lucky I can't really get you, You're making my life online, sometimes a hell, And I don't want to buy any of your blue,or pink pills, As for "those pictures" you can show them to somebody else Mel. I am so tired of getting spammed and jammed, and it's you to blame I'd would like to get only emails from my friends, My poor baby (my pc) is taking such a beat and gets sick too, Eh, buster!Your behavior is a shame! And this's not a game. I'm about to lose it with you, and you're making me sick too, Stop sending me all those silly offers than don't work but just fail, Eh, buster, you'll see, one of these days, I'll get rid of you, Then, you won't get me anymore, or invade, ever my email. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright2005 October,19,2014


Details | Free verse | |

Missing you

She was wonderful and powerful
My object of desire
Her smooth clean face so beautiful
The apple of my eye

My love she had an accident
She fell from up on high
I found her broken body there
'Twas lying on the ground

Now all I have's her memory
The songs we used to share
Oh how I miss that ipod
My heart it megahertz


Details | I do not know? | |

Writtings From The Bathroom Wall

I read it  from the bathroom wall.
God alone save's us one and all.
Along with other mixed obscenities like 
for a good time call.

Some read rise against.
Others read Elivis was here.
God bless America communist take fear.

Its the lost and found of  misspelled words 
were the misfits gather do they all.
Im stuck here in a inconvertible position reading writtings from 
bathroom wall.

I strain to read Robert and Beth forever.
whomever they are.
I question does this bathroom last through stormy weather.

I wonder what kind of philosopher finds solice in such a dingy 
place.
Do they comb the wall just lookin for space.

Theres traces of blood from a drunken brawl.
Im sitting in the true melting pot of the world.
Reading writtings from  the bathroom wall.  


Details | Free verse | |

The Biggest Jerk

Two days without 
The biggest jerk I ever knew
Two days without him
God, what am I gonna do. 

I'm lost inside this house
going crazy out of my mind
I don't know what to do with myself
Exasperated for hours at a time.

I'm not spilling tears
Just awaiting his return
I'm not feeling fear
I'm just lonely for his arms. 

Out the window
My eyes continue to gaze
Searching for his car
Looking for his face.

Headlights pull in
Flashing at my eyes
My heart beats harder
My spirit lights afire.

My feet moving 
of their own accord
Running, leaping
Barreling into his arms.

Smile breaks
Like the light
From clouds
On a sunny day.

Eyes Glow
Fireflies of sapphire
Twinkling in the dark
Like a diamond heart.

Fingers reaching
Touching and rubbing
Pulling closer
Feeling whole at once.

Lips busying themselves
To smother with a kiss
Where does it end
Where does it begin.

Two whole days
Without the biggest Jerk I know
I don't want to do it again
I don't want my love to go.  


Details | Free verse | |

i am so bright my mother calls me sun

the sun is mean here
it’s too bright
and i don’t mean smart

it shines in my eyes
i have to wear dark glasses just to drive
yesterday it burned my skin

but today i am ready
i’m wearing lotion 
spf one thousand

if that doesn’t work
i’m wearing my long underwear
of course the sun will make me sweat
it is a nasty vengeful sun
i’ll be all wet

i am going to wear it down
that’s the wrong spelling of wear isn’t it?
with all this heat i can’t think 
sun stroke maybe

i'm fed up i am going to get rid of it
i'll look mean 
scare it down
i'll make it go away

oh my goodness
it’s working finally 
the sun is leaving
the sun is gone 
hurray

oh no
i can't believe it
look 
the sun
it just mooned me.


Details | Footle | |

Foodles

A Silly Beehive
Funny
Honey

School Yard Bee Fight
Bumble 
Rumble

Noisy Yellows
Jacket 
Racket

Aug 19, 2014


Details | Rhyme | |

Ho, Ho, Ho and A Bottle of Rum

Ho, Ho, Ho and A Bottle of Rum

Ho, ho, ho, saw three men laughing it up as they all drank a bottle of rum
Ho, ho, ho, all were rolling around on the floor including Santa as he was taking a tum,
Then came Tonto and Long John Silver as he stretched around with marks
Thus, fluently laughing as he sang the anthem while falling into hysterics upon many sparks.
Then he drank more of a remedial medicine of an international blond haired joke
To a full audience of many zealous and colorful comedian stand-up folk
As he brought them all into a laughter which cajoled into an idiosyncratic large buffoon
Brought tears of fun and laughter as he told many more maddening antics upon their loon
Laughter can make the lungs span out into a bout of cold
laughter infects the mightiest heart of the scent of joyous gold
Laughter does hold anyone ransom to a vicious of an emotional hold
As does many a watcher and listener harbors a lifelong anchor of serendipitous manners of purest emotional bold
Laughter can embody a universal speck of love
Laughter they say is the key substance to a woman's trove
Laughter does bring a red, red path to a person's captive heart,
And does keep an altruism of a purest gladness of one's true smart
Laughter does bring gladness to one and all
So keep this in mind, laughter does keep our minds and heart
young throughout our bounteous hearts of tidings tall,
Just remember to make sure Santa has lots of tums
And don't let him drink too many glasses of rum.

Written: 10/10/2013
Eve T.Carter


Details | Free verse | |

Its Raining...

                          Its Raining…

God’s Cleansing Tool
Cloud-Concerto… How Cool !
Plop-Plop Plopping into Pothole Pools
On the Grass, Pavements and On My Own-Sweet- Fools…

who, don’t have Sense enough, to get out of the Rain…
… I think I’ll go Join Them… Again

                               Amen


Details | I do not know? | |

TROLIUS TROLL

Remember the story 
of Billy Goats Gruff?
The troll under the bridge,
and all of that stuff?
If you liked that old story
it's all good and well,
but it isn't at all 
the troll tale I will tell.

Now, Trolius Troll 
was a timorous soul;
A more timid troll
you never shall see.
He lived in a hole 
in the base of the bole,
(that is, the trunk) 
of a turpentine tree.  
                                    
Young Trolius Troll, 
I ask you to note,
is a strict vegetarian; 
he does not eat goat.
You might not believe me,
but, begging your pardon,
he eats only produce
from his vegetable garden.

One day, after harvesting 
some of his crop,
with a basket of turnips,
with some carrots on top, 
he strode up the path, 
just as proud as could be,
toward his home in the trunk 
of the turpentine tree.
                                    
Then, outside the door
of his pine tree abode,
was a sight that made
Trolius Troll drop his load.
There, with a chainsaw 
and a double-bit ax,
stood a brawny, black bearded, 
blue eyed lumberjack.
                                    
With his feet wide apart 
on the green, grassy ground,
the lumberjack looked 
the troll's tree up and down--
Then, laying the ax 
on a moist, mossy bank,
he gave the saw's start rope 
a sudden, sharp yank.

With a white puff of smoke 
and an ear splitting sound,
the saw shattered the silence 
for acres around.
The lumberjack stepped 
to the tree's sturdy base
with a smile of delight 
on his black-bearded face.
                                      
Then, the usually timorous
troll gave a shout,
and, pounding his chest,
he went leaping about.
With a wild snarl of rage 
and a blood chilling wail,
the once timid Trolius 
charged up the trail.
                                    
The brave lumberjack 
was stricken with awe.
He turned from the tree, 
and dropped the chain saw.
Through the ferns and the bushes 
the tree feller ran.
and he never returned 
to the forest again.
                                  
And so ends a story,
that some might find droll,
of a timid and timorous
tree dwelling troll.                             
But its message is clear,
it’s as clear as can be:  
You may monkey about with Trolius, friend,  
but you’d better not mess with his tree.


Details | Quatrain | |

Things I Don't Understand

There are things I don't understand
And would really like to know
Such as why they call it rush hour
And you move so freakin' slow

How come you get a learner's permit 
To get a license to drive a car
But they don't give one for a marriage license
Now I think that's going too far

Why do they put deer crossing signs up 
Do you believe there is really any need
In all my years of driving
I've never met a single deer who can read

I was reading a map in the park
And it definitely astonished me so
It had a red X that said you are here
And I was wondering how they know.


Details | I do not know? | |

Victim

I never wanted it to be this way, I never wanted to feel the pain. Bruises all over me. 
Invisible but I can see them.

You hurt me everywhere. My heart is shattered and the blood has frozen. But I won't be 
your victim.

Stare at me like this all you want. Try and hurt me with your words just as long as you 
don't use fists.

I don't ever want to be your victim. I refuse to be one of those few girls who end up 
losing their whole world.

Love isn't supposed to hurt, but maybe I was just naive because the moment I loved you my 
heart never stopped bleeding. 

I won't be your victim, I won't run away. If you have something to say I won't avoid it. 
I'm not scared I can take whatever you try to throw.

Don't hold back I promise you I will not cry. The moon is shining just like all the 
diamonds that you called pretend love I can't even imagine why I fell so hard.

It's never clear until the glass of water is gone. But now that you've gulped me to the 
last I want you to know I won't be your victim.

I kissed vulnerability goodbye the very last time I cried over you and I won't be your 
victim your not even worth it.

If you feel like you must shove a door in my butt but don't make me afraid because I 
don't want to be I don't want to be your victim. 

Let go of my hand so I can peacefully drive away if you want me to I can drive over you 
as well. But don't make it seem like i'm causing you pain because it's obvious to see 
that I've been a victim and it's a shame.

But I don't want to be it anymore then you so just let me go and I won't have to run. I 
promised you forever I laugh at this now you were never eternity love in my mind.

 I kept counting until the madness in ourselves would corrupt. Tears flash down my eyes 
as I speed down the lanes. Two bottles of Gin and I think i'm going insane.

It wasn't until I crashed into a tree that I realized I was never your victim I was 
merely your suicide mission. 


Details | I do not know? | |

Nasty girl

   There you go again doing things that you are not suppose to be in and then you look at 
me like oh i'm so sweet if you only knew I can be a freak without showing it. Here they 
go listening to the rumors but i'm your friend so in the end I know that they are true. 
How could you do that with him and her and they were on the ground you were pretending to 
pick up gum? You need to be safe, making out with strangers girl I aint no saint but god 
what are you doing? I don't want to see you years from now telling me you got aids, I 
worry about you and I feel like your special so I even wrote about you come on look how 
much you mean to me. You like him I get it but how many other guys have you liked in the 
past. He's your only, he's a phony make sure he's not just in it for the prize because 
girl you never know some guys are. It's the truth and you need to listen, I don't mean to 
sound bossy but soon enough your name is going to be posted on all the bathrooms walls. 
Telling things that you haven't even done yet. But you will front about it, Lie again. 
Telling everyone it's happened how do we know what's real or fake. I love your 
personality I wish I could steal it, Your loud, and flirty, daring and smart girl you got 
too much heart to be showing it to everyone who wants a sip. this is for all the nasty 
girls out there who think I don't know what i'm saying just ask anyone of them who are 
dead now or are on the streets prostitiuting. Don't be afraid to be a freak it's healthy 
but sometimes it's better when it's secret closet freaks have more fun.


Details | Rhyme | |

Heavenly bliss

Heavenly bliss

Shawn and Shauna fell deeply in love
And were on their way to be wed
When a car, on that day, took their lives straight away
As both of their bodies, lie dead

But their spirits were both drawn to heaven
As they stood, in front of the gates
Saint Peter was there, at the top of the stairs
When Shawn hollered loudly  “Just Wait"

Now Peter looked puzzled, at Shawn
And said "This is no time to tarry "
Shawn spoke again, and refused to go in
Without being properly married

Saint Peter replied very softly 
"We don't do that kind of thing here
But if you're willing to wait, 
“I’ll see if I can, get it cleared”

Three months went by, while they waited
Saint Peter, show up with a Priest
"I know it was slow, But I want you to know
You’ll be married Forever at least"

As the wedding was getting started
Shawn asked a question, with doubt
What happens here in heaven  
“If this marriage just doesn’t work out”

A silent filled up the heavens
Saint Peter, was shaking his head
And once he regained his composure
This is what Saint Peter said
 
“It took Three Months to find a Priest
In this Heavenly Foyer
How long do you think, I’ll take for me
Up here, to find you a Lawyer ?”






Details | Free verse | |

this noisy head i live in

this noisy head i live in
it just never quiets down
theres some motherf#@ker screaming at two am
about some unpaid bills or parking tickets
and some other idiot going on and on about some girl that left
somebody is allways throwing trash out in the common area
little bits of some ancient relationship
small parts of some old mystery
just want to tell em all ''will you all please shut up"
stop that godawful freakin racket
some fool on the roof shouting poetry just when your drifting off to sleep
another idiot in the basement throwing monkey wrenches in the works
always somebody causing some kind of ruckus
just want to scream
"can we PLEASE get some peace and quiet for five minuets"
this crazy head i live in
i want to move
to some nice quiet country house
where you never hear a sound
peaceful with birds chirping
where i can get some rest
not this confounded noisy head i live in
not this apartment building of lunatics i call a mind


Details | Senryu | |

Hey Hank, Did You Just -

hi-jack my haiku?
Hah! You hi-jacked the wrong ku
You stole a senryu

I hide my haikus
safe and sound beneath sorry
senryus such as this...

Hark and heed this Hank!
Stealing somebody’s senryu
is scandalous but

heisting haikus or
holding a haiku hostage?
Hold your horses Hank...


Details | I do not know? | |

Harsh My Mellow

Everyone is so uptight.
I just came to drink and they all wanna fight.
Some sixfoot seven pissed off dude.
Just blacked my eye.
Cause his girlfriend just happened to be in the mood.

Got thrown in jail after I eat some special brownies
and decided to go to the library naked to read othello.
Cops tazed me twice.
Why does everyone have to harsh my mellow.

They wont let me return to the local bar.
Just cause last week I crashed into it with my car.
Everybody thinks I should hang it up but Im no quitter.
Just cause I misplaced a couple of kids.
In my last foray as beng a babysitter.


I swear to tell the truth eventhough Im a liar.
How was I to know the gas grill in the living room
would catch the house on fire.

Im a crook a drunk and a liar but other than that im a
nice fellow.
Just cause i enjoy a few cocktails while driving the school bus.
Why does everyone think they gotta 
harsh my mellow


Details | Rhyme | |

My Husband Came Up Missing

( MY HUSBAND CAME UP MISSING )

My husband came up missing, I`ve looked all over the place.
Under the couch, in the closet, theres not a single trace.
He was home when I went to work today, I heard him snoring.
My neighbor 3 blocks away, said he heard that he was exploring.

It doesnt make any sense, why would he go away.
He didnt bring any luggage with him, where would he stay.
Ive checked in the bathroom, I even looked in the shower.
I looked inside the frigerator, and underneath the flower.

My husbands got to be somewhere, his car is still at home.
I checked the bed and under the covers, I even checked his comb.
Now I`m frantic looking everywhere, he`s got to be playing tricks.
I heard a noise in the wall, so I tore down all the bricks.

Then a neighbor walked in the front door, and asked what I was doing.
I told them about my missing husband, and how I been pursuing.
They looked at me and laughed away, I felt like a tiny mouse.
They said the reason I couldnt find him, is I was in the wrong damn house.


Details | Free verse | |

look up to the sky

Look up to the sky
Look up in the sky and what do you see?
Is it an airplane flying by me?
Look up to the sky what do you see?
Is it the sun shinning down on me?
Look up to the sky what do you see.
The moon is smiling down on you.
Look up to the sky what do you see.
The rain coming down on you and me.
Don't look now to the sky for birds are above.
And you don't know what will come down.


Details | Couplet | |

After the Ball

  Confetti collecting 
on strawberry blondes
swigging champagne
from the dusk 
till the dawn,
Sleeping in corners
where ever they fall,
like sad
Cinderellas
too long
 at the 
Ball.


Details | Rhyme | |

How To Avoid Overeating This Thanksgiving

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.


Details | Couplet | |

The Bunyip

“Who am I,” asked the Bunyip. “What am I doing here?”
“Please tell me,” begged the Bunyip,” for my purpose isn’t clear.”

“No answer!” came the stern reply; “You’ll get no help from me!”
Poor Bunyip, he began to cry, “Doesn’t anyone know me?”

And thus he went a-wandering, searching far and wide
For someone who could put an end to his longing, deep inside.

One day, he found a piece of glass, discarded by a lake.
He gazed into its surface … OH! That was his big mistake!

For in that glass, he met Himself … the image struck him dumb;
No-one could love that ugly mug! (Except perhaps his Mum …)

So, overcome by black despair, the poor old Bunyip sobbed.
The tears poured down his warty cheeks, and ran into his gob.

He cried all night, and then all day, and then all night again.
The rain it poured, the wind it howled as if to voice his pain …

Then suddenly emerged a shape, out of the Primal Soup,
Round and warty … big and black … The Bunyip was cock-a-hoop!

“Who am I?” asked the creature,
(In strangely girlish voice.)

The Bunyip’s pulse began to race …
His lumpy heart rejoiced …

“What am I?” begged the creature.
“Oh! I WISH that I could see!”

“You’re a Bunyip!” cried the Bunyip,
“And you look, … well,

“Just like ME!”

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

A bunyip, as our Aussie members will know, is a mythical creature - or is it?
They are said to inhabit small ponds, and are lovable - but not handsome ...


Details | Rhyme | |

I Didn't Do My Math Homework

I didn’t do my math homework!
I watched T.V instead!
I better come up with an excuse... and quick!
Or else I’m surely dead!

My brother tore it!
It’s in the garbage!
Mom says it causes brain damage!

My power was out!
I had the flu!
I was having trouble excreting my poo!

You know, why even bother?
My excuses are so lame!
I know! My dog ate my homework!
Now to find a dog I can blame...


Details | Alliteration | |

Cat

Lounging licking leaping
Prancing pouncing peeking
Corners closets crouching
Tail twirling twitching
Sniffing sensing sneezing
Hissing huffing hunting
Pretty purring preening
Curiosity kitty killing
Nine long lives living


Details | Limerick | |

A golf limerick

While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral cortege was arife,

       his head bowed in prayer
       at this somber affair

to pay last respects to his wife!


Details | Free verse | |

My Sudoku Life

And I walk
across numerical figments
speaking hyperbole dialect to their imaginations.

Numb, blocky gaps
whisper invitation to secret club.

Enticing my stature
to belong
to become exponent’s side-kick.

So they can welcome me with open arms.

Coating my digits with inoperable tumors
double-knotted in hot pink laced bow
and baby-breath scent.

They even left a Walmart Rollback smiley face sticker
with crack residue on right cheek
and a comic-style bubble caption, “welcome home puppet”.

Yes!

This is exactly how Mother 1 told me it would be.

Kinda like marriage,
but less detail-oriented.

But, I could never fit in.

For I am neither positive
nor negative
about their (cult) ural ways.

Timing would always be off.

An arm from the clock that suffered a stroke at Midnight…

They’d never understand,
how they’d alter this unevenly, odd numerical figment.

For they’ll just calculate,
deduce,
my sum with rusty protractor.

This Zero, into a fraction...

© Drake J. Eszes


Details | Narrative | |

EVE will remain with ADAM -Chris D A

A DINNER INVESTMENT (for Eve)

My husband Chris Adams always wines and dines me.
In the most expensive places one can eat.

Arriving in LIMO style.
Waiting upon the waiters greet.
Viewing the menu I reply, "Hun I am ready to order."
1 T-bone steak, fully cook the meat.

At our table, walked a gorgeous snake eyed women.
Who leaned over my husband's seat
Approaching my Chris with a big wet kiss.
I stomp my husband on his feet.
Giving him the look when I get pissed.
She slithers with her tongue into my Adams ear and whispers 
 "Later, go to that hotel where we always meet"
With one stare I yell, "Chris how could you cheat!"
"I had enough, I want a divorce MR.ADAMS!"
Slapping him in the moment of heat.
He replies, "She is my mistress Bath-Sheba my dear EVE!"
"I do not love her my sweet."
"I understand if you want a divorce!" Mr. Adams replied.
"Remember, no more furs, luxury suite, Winters in Barbados,
 Summers in Tuscany."
"Infinity or Lexus, and first class plane seats."
"Forget about the Yacht Club."
"Party by the swimming pool of one hundred feet."
"It is up to you my Kitty Skat Eve to give it all up."
"You decide if these diamonds you want to keep."

Without thinking of taking a leap.
I see Mr. Adams business partner Cain with a Jezebel in his arms.
I ask my husband Chris in a small peep. 
"Do not tell me that Cain commits Adultery to?"
"Cain's blond looks really cheap, as if she works the street."
"Well, our mistress is prettier, and looks real sweet."
"Honey our mistress Bath-Sheba is worth the keep."
"Mr. Adams tonight you can call me Steve and not Eve,
 What ever it takes to satisfy your needs, and my gold lust!"
**************************************

(The moral of the story is what some Eve's  will do to keep their investment,
 I mean Adam's.) A joke and dedication to the most blunt Poet
 Of the soup, Chris D. Aechtner 
For THE Eve in Eden* (Contest) *


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

The birds

The birds! The birds!

Uncountable the subject pronoun words
give tongue to humbleness, henceforth to speak;
contributing to poetry for birds,
our inspiration nested on their beak!

He's watching leaping sparrows eating bread,
while on his terrace sips green Ceylon chai;
it seems to him that poetry has fled,
and gone with the banditos, bidding "byee".

Alas! The birds have taught us all we know,
encyclopedic, scientific, art...
Cause he would not be 'mong ya apropos,
if poetry was meant to be more smart:

{ Thy Tristan I shall be, divine Izolde;
thus, like a bird of valor, debonair,
I'll fly to thee, because I have been told,
that someday I'll become a billionaire.

Among the birds, oh maid, I picture thee
abducted by banditos (or eloped?)
thus I, compose my poetry to be
reminder of the corns that have not popped.

And thus, envisioning, thy magic curves,
I'll be a triumphant filibustier,
my self-igniting foolish verse, and oeuvres,
will reach (oh, dolly bird) thy round derriere.

And then, if not for other, thus, demand,
my manuscripts will serve a strident cause,
vociferous upon the meadowland,
by the banditos will receive applause. }
 
© 02-18-2014, G. Venetopoulos
(Iambic Pentameter)
G.V.


Details | Haiku | |

SandCastle of dreams

~Sand-Castle~

********relaxing medicine****

My dreams of the sand
Underneath the ocean stars
Sleeping with the wind


********the beast dreams*******

Mr. Sandman's bag
Romantic, like pouring rain
Seashore wedding bash


********the world is home******

Wishing well mirage
Homeless with rich sandcastle
Ocean wave  pillow


********it takes two***********

Heaven passion kiss
4 hands creating a mote
Drawbridge of sea shells


*******hungry wings***********

First class bay front seat
Seagulls land on top tower
Essence of bird spill

*******colliding sandcastle******

Adventure hot day
Knocking the beauty of my moment
Stinky, little brother

     ~Skat~


Details | Limerick | |

Jogger and Logger

For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"

There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin


* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.


Details | Haiku | |

In My Wildest Dreams

five, seven, five craze
poet’s mind becomes obsessed --
visions of seasons

all four blend as one
melting pot of poetry --
eating more than words

winter puts pounds on
spring has us on a diet --
words spew more slowly

bikini summer
Brad Pitt leaves Jolie for me --
in my wildest dreams

 
 
*Written for Poet Destroyer’s “Haiku Crazy” contest



Details | Light Poetry | |

A Pirates Prayer of Thanks

I come to you with humble thanks for all that you’ve delivered, For Englishmen to walk the planks and for timbers left unshivered. I thank you for a glassy sea and the steady blowing breeze, For giving all these things to me without making me say please. And I thank you for the horizon where sea and sky do meet, For every new sun that I watch risin’ is a day of fate I’ll cheat. It is my hope dear loving Lord that I can bring you pleasure, By throwing someone overboard and stealing all their treasure. And when I navigate at night you send the northern star, I feel then that I’m alright and it’s to you that I’ll say ARRR. There’s a lesson that some people teach about the carrying that you do, But I knew that the footprints on the beach must have belonged to you. ‘Cause I got a peg and there’s no doubt it would’ve got stuck into the sand. I couldn’t have pulled myself back out because I got this hook for one hand. I’d like to see you but by some quirk my good eye got covered by my patch, I know that I’m just salvage work and it’s you who’ll batten down my hatch. So Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum and raise the Jolly Roger to the sky, And praise Him from whom blessings come the one who reigns on high. For I am grateful for the gifts that you have granted me, A pirate ship that is so swift and the blue green open sea.


Details | Free verse | |

Golden Dreams

The Leprechaun.

. 
Run, run, run as fast as you can...
I'm still gonna get you, my little green man...
I grabbed on to the gold buckle on his waist...
I held him down, with no time to waste...
I tied The Leprechaun to a hollow tree,
Broke off a branch and poked him on the knees.
I kept on poking him with a stick.
I kept nagging him to reveal his magic trick.

This little shamrock kid would not break.
He kept insisting THE LEPRECHAUN legend was fake.

This little odd dwarf kept lying about his mythical pot of gold. 
I kept repeating all the stories I've been told..  
Nagging him and nagging him~ FOR HIS POT OF GOLD!
He lied, about the fables, telling me his gold does not exist...
The Leprechaun refused to hear the clover list...


**** 

It's been 7 days!
And, still he won't give up, what's at the end of the rainbow. 
Tickling his little Eskimo toes,
Running feathers underneath his nose. 
"Look you little green treasure troll, I've captured you, and demand the gold!"
"You won't get me with your tricks!"
"So don't even try to outwit me with your silly MAGIC!" 

I suppose his silver-tongue, will have to do,
And the little gold buckles on his shoe.
I got tired of trying to make him see, my point of view.
I got a better deal and trade for a monkey at the zoo.
Now the lions are enjoying a Pot of Leprechaun Stew. 
After All! 
Nothing I did, made him unfold.
All I wanted was his pot of gold!

by;pd


Details | Alliteration | |

Star-crumb

"HUNGRY GAMES"

"I can’t find the words I want to say! “
Under the moonbeam and sparkling scattered stardust, 
I can feel the dew, which surpasses through the night.
As I speak to you in tongue, this stale flavor becomes overdone. 
A taste of what is behind them luscious ludicrous lips.

I finally ask!
“Do you not feel what I feel?
Can you not feel my heart hesitating and holding hectically?
Addressed with attach anticipation on your side!
It is my hesitation, to answer with, “Please?”
The dwelling night disappears, underneath my deepen darken days,
In which makes every day, another night to come.
	
The wondering and whining worsens a little more.
I ache for seconds more, than my mind begins to mend.

The mornings keep approaching fast, the silences breaks!
Shattered scattered splattered words, finally released.

You start to nurture up around your notable noble nearsighted eyes.
For I have starved, just about all I can take.
Master of this crying slave… 
“Your perception burns, the prescription, of persuasive deception.”
Your inacceptable improper intention cannot heal me now!
Leaving an awkward awareness feel, which lingers to the lustiness’, lost inside of me.
With a wallow with a swallow, soaping and spiting the sight of you.
Meanwhile your thoughts focus on the painful pulsating pleasure. 
You will unleash on me…
For leaving all the crummy crumbling crumbs under our silver satin sheets.  
I will be smacking and snaking surrendering and yielding, yearning at your will.

Please Master Can I have another, Cracker in bed~~ ?

by;PD


Details | Personification | |

WEIRD SCIENCE

* Weird  Science *

With pens he walks
Pocket Protectors to protect his chest
Taped up glasses on his face
Pull his pants down, call him a GEEK a NERD
Science -relativity theory and it's light speed from space
Experiment this- discover that, is how scientist rant
Brainy cats have so many open portals in their minds
You talk down to us as if we carry the brains of a bird
Do you really think we are all blind, 
for not caring over the objectives  principles of the Heisenberg?

You passed  each and ever single science fairs in class
Feeding your ego collecting dots 
After school you earned the right when a bully kicked your a$$!
A DORK calling your self the Math Magician King
Burning and crashing our minds explaining the physics of dying fast 
Using your Quantum Leap that our universe comes with a destiny string

No desire to be wired who needs your further scientific understanding
Life comes with a pattern in which we once lived electricity free
Ironically your scientific process of defining itself continues to expand
Supported by the measurements and masses only you NERDS understand
The power points of our so called energy,
is pointless to me like our so called gravity.
The tale you spin is not of love but a twisted one of insanity

God is the only scientific knowledge I want to perceive!
All you so called scientist, riding the lightning like Benjamin F.  
Take the bolt and tie it like a noose around your neck
Following your own perception while you feed off the sheep
Here you come to emerge to discipline us with your mind of a genius
You come and you bash us with NERD brain waves to explain! 
That this world revolves around the elements and laws of scientific claims

Research this- research that- who gives a cr@p we still die at the end
While life continues, to grow and manipulate our fate, about the universe
Unsolved facts about Einstein, who left his velocity of change for us to comprehend.
Instead of trying to rule the world, explain the facts why things keep getting worse?
Over exaggerating the excitement of an Ancient Mayan 2012 discovery curse.
Bottom line you scientific  quacks,
the real Celestial body is found on the bottom of my crack.

By; P.D.            ( LOL, I love Science )


Details | Dodoitsu | |

Green, but No Envy

Had my hair color treated To surprise the wedding guests Shock came at the rehearsal Groom wanted to leave His once-blonde bride had green curls She’d been hoping for brunette Oh, how the bridesmaids chuckled Wig worn at wedding
Sadly, a true story. By Carolyn Devonshire For Dr. Ram’s “Wedding Rehearsal” Dodoitsu challenge


Details | Tanka | |

Sin-ctuary

.


the full moon hid us bending jasmines and roses with whispers of fog before he smelled the perfume my shaking legs jumped the wall
.


Details | Epitaph | |

A Police Man's Grave

No Loitering, Skating, Skateboarding or Cycling.


Details | Epulaeryu | |

Succulently Sweet Pumpkin Pie (Epulaeryu)

“The finest poetry
     is the most feigning.”
           —William Shakespeare


Smelling scent soothe my soul
Sits in sleek oven
Simmering Jack-O-Lantern
Smile so nicely
Saliva pours for
Sweet pumpkin
Pie!

~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~
© Joseph, November 2, 2008
© All Rights Reserved
~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~

Semi finalist contestant
292 out of 887 submissions
June 1, 2009 International Contest

~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~

Joseph S. Spence, Sr., is the author of "The Awakened One Poetics" (2009), which is 
published in seven different languages. He invented the Epulaeryu poetry form, which 
focuses on succulent cuisines and drinks. He is published in various forums, including the 
World Haiku Association; Poetinis Druskininku, Milwaukee Area College, Phoenix Magazine; 
Möbius Poetry, and Taj Mahal Review to name a few. Joseph is a Goodwill Ambassador for 
the state of Arkansas, USA, a college faculty, and a military veteran.

~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~


Details | Senryu | |

Is it Spring Yet?

The March madness ends
I am just an April fool
looking for sunshine


Details | Light Poetry | |

Fruit Loops

You know we’re very poor, of that we have certainly, never denied.
Then the ‘Obama-I-don’t-Care’ gave us another whammy, Yes, indeed! Oh My!
Now, it’s Peanut butter we will have for supper, and even that we’ll spread thin.
And the little birdies we gave a cup of bird seed, occasionally, when we dared…

Well, this morning they got a handfull of Fruit Loops, and they were really stale!
With the sugar they have in galore, now birdies are doing cartwheels at my door.
All that crazy energy, they’re acting just like my kids. Hey! Is that my old phone?
They’re texting wildly! Not watching where they go! Hey! There’s a tree! Oh No!

Some are doing cartwheels… While others are staggering back and forth!
But bird seeds not an option, under Obamas new plan, now! Don’t you know!
We ate it all last week, on our free cheese, from the Food Pantry, Not! A! Joke!
He was supposed to make it affordable, now he put food… WAY out the door!

Hey! We WERE the poor ones! Now we’re worse, as he runs away! By Darn!
OOOPPPS! Maybe Fruit Loops weren’t such a good idea, after all, I surmise!
The Dirty Birdies, are walking upside down, in circles, saying they want more!
If only they had hands! I’d get out my camera, but I hocked it, for the food store!

We had good insurance before the ‘Obama-I-Don’t-Care’! But Now it’s gone…
And our small paycheck was cut in half! So I stopped my cable!… Well, Darn!
Hubby walks miles to work, in the snow, backwards, no shoes, uphill! It’s true!

Excuse me! I have to go! For it’s off to the Food Pantry, with others I am bound!
I’d impeach that silly idiot! But I’d rather, he had to eat, just like us, at our house!
Hey! Maybe that explains his crazy actions… Take his Fruit Loops away, By Gosh!
And when you’re done, make sure he uses the same ‘Obama-I-Don’t-Care’… As us!

Then take away that raise from Congress… to fill the Food Pantries… Yea! I SAY!
When you’re done! Remember to vote Them ALL OUT! For what they have done today!
Then send them Dumpster Diving with me… Because they’ll need to learn the art!
Darn! What Now? Oh Oh! Those little Dirty Birdies… Have learned how to fart!


Details | Limerick | |

Catch of the Day

My passion for fishing is well known

But sometimes my catch brings a huge groan

     Octopus clung to my boat

     Dolphins around me did gloat

The queen of the sea had been dethroned



Sadly, a true story for Royal’s Favorite Sport challenge.
It took my 10 minutes to try and pry the octopus from
the back of the boat.  Each time I pulled up one arm, 
it slapped down another one.  They have suction cups on
their arms.  My article “Octopus on Board” was 
published in Florida Wildlife magazine.


Details | Shape | |

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY ANNE-LISE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNE-LISE!!!!!


          ?
                      ?
?  
                 ?
     ?                      ?
HAPPY  HAPPY  BIRTHDAY  TO  YOU
  HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU   
    HAPPYHAPPYBIRTHDAYTOYOU
    BAPPYBAPPYHIRTHTAYDOYOU
             BAPSYBIRSDDAY
                       A L
                       N I
                       NS
                       E-E
          HIPPYBARSDAYSOYOU


:) I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH THIS DRINK WHEN I SAW THE SQUARE BUBBLES!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLL WEEEK LONNNNGGGG!!! LOVE YOU BUNCHES, DEB


Details | Haiku | |

Sexy Who'

"Sexy Who" *Summer* sand, oozing through toes water down my swimsuit piece how I love the sun *Summer* new sun-rays run my soul wind swims around my pale skin sunburn, ouch! *Dizzy* strong & Long Lasting The Viagra moment fades power by the sun *Jerk Around* secret moment Vixen photos of my youth rock hard & bigger ~SKAT~


Details | Rhyme | |

JESTER

           JESTER   *''(] :-)

The best days come round and round
Follow the around the world
A Jester you are the crown
A Jester among the crowd
Searching for life from pole to pole!
A professional when it comes to clown
You got the soul to let it roll
Your too clever to hold a frown
Your parole has lost your control
A smile is all you know how to expand
You run - you play - you dance
Implanting a moment, so grand
Lifting the spirit with just one glance.
You are like a substance in high demand
You are the Queen to a blind romance
You stole the heart of a Nobel man
Jester we are at the feet of your command
Parted from the King, who does not understand
The crowd eating from the palm of your hand
No one knows what jokes you got planned
LADY QUEEN YOU HOLD THE SOUL OF A JESTER
Suited up in  pinkish - purple - green polyester
Everyone bowing to you where you stand
Excitement towards the Queen, who plays the Jester
Jerking the kingdom of her land
Jester you play the role of the best mind molester!! 
*''(]:-)

SKAT


Details | Free verse | |

The face in the mirror says


                 Good morning
                                                                                       gninrom dooG

                 I look tired today
                                                                                   yadot derit kool I

                 I wash my face
                                                                                      ecaf ym hsaw I

                 Taking on a little makeup
                                                                        puekam elttil a no gnikaT

                 Brushing my teeth
                                                                                  hteet ym gnihsurB

                 Finally, the lipstick on my lips
                                                                   spil ym no kcitspil eht ,yllaniF

                 I smile to the mirror
                                                                               rorrim eht ot elims I

                 Now I`m ready for the day
                                                                                 ! yad doog a evaH

                  WHAT.......





  A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Free verse | |

I have lost my P

                      I`m not ha_ _y  today.
                      No I`m quite sad and u_set

                     Sitting here with my cold sou_ and an old s_oon.
                     I have s_ent too much money,and feel  _oor.
                     I have not _earls or diamonds,that`s not why I`m sad and u_set.
                     As I sit here with my su_ _ er and my cold sou_,
                     thinking about what I do without my  _?
             
                     Dreams returns to ha_ _y days, when I  _layed  _iano
                     and had  _eace in my mind.
                     What shall I do without my  _ ?
                     _  is  im_ortant in my life.
                     I`ve lost my  _,I can no longer wish to you:Ha_ _y  birthday
                                                                                Have a ha_ _y  weekend
                                                                                Ha_ _ y  for you.
                                                                                Ha_ _ y  to see you
                                                                                Ha _ _y   new year ..........


                      I do not want _iano,_earl or diamonds.... I want my  _  back.




      05.01.2012
      A-L Andresen :)


Details | Alliteration | |

12 Days of Christmas Craves

"12 Days of Christmas Craves" On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me 12 twinkling tiaras Eleven emerald elephants Ten Tiffany trinkets Nine naughty negligees Eight echoing elves Seven sequined stars Six sexy singers Five fake fingernails s s s Four furry foxes Three tingling tamborines Two turtledoves And peach tree in pail via e-mails s s s. *For P.D.'S 12 Days of Christmas. *Written by: Linda-Marie "Sweetheart".


Details | Sonnet | |

Sandcastles

When I was a young boy,
I built a castle on the beach.
I made it from sand with my shovel-toy,
Then the waves grabbed it in their reach.
They tore my castle down,
And dragged it down into the sea.
So i took my shovel and, with a frown,
Built another castle quickly.
I built it bigger and stronger
Than the ones in the past.
I thought this one would last longer,
But its walls would no longer last.
I built a moat around the last one that day,
But the waves seemed desperate to wash them all away.


Details | Rhyme | |

Honorable Mention

On entering this contest I have to admit
The fame it will bring me when I push "submit"
Is all that I'm after -  my name in bright lights
The kind of attention I earned with my writes.

I used to get noticed for walking in late
To school, then to jobs, and even for dates
My family picked up on my one loud defect
And thought they could fix me - no disrespect.

They told me that dinner would be served at five
When seven was really the time to arrive
Two hours they gave me to help cure the curse
But of course I found out and the problem got worse.

Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my room
Instead, I am writing, ignoring the broom
My shrink says that tardiness is a cry for attention
I'll clean my room later for an honorable mention.


Details | Haiku | |

Haiku - X 5 - Demon



                                        Blood dripping demon
                                 I can hear scraping under my bed
                                            My heart stops












21.10.2012
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Burlesque | |

The Elimination Method

Simple Mathematics, really.
To eliminate one component
To solve a problem quickly.


I’ll form the problem into a manageable state,
By easily eliminating an unwanted variable.
Now, just what variable to eliminate?


First, I will multiply the X by two.
That’s the first step. Done, I feel fine.
I will multiply the Y too.


Now, I add my X plus X.
My Y plus Y.
That was to make sure it checks.


Now here’s the predicament (easy my shoe!)
This is my problem,
And a real head-scratcher too!


The equation adds up nicely
And the X and Y are simplified.
But, how do I eliminate my algebra homework
Precisely? 


Details | Limerick | |

Sleigh Passengers

Christmas finds reindeer landing on rooftops

Santa’s kindly added some extra stops

     His sleigh filled with travelers

     Scared of TSA handlers

Scoff as coal through government chimneys drops



*For Francine’s Christmas contest


Details | Senryu | |

Senior Moment?

How is it that I

Can forget the objective

Before I get there?










Writer's Note:

No, I'm not a senior (not even close) so I don't have any excuse for this dilemma!  

DG


Details | Rhyme | |

Death by Chocolate

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was  fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.



11/21/11  for Natalie the Rogue Rhymer's 
"Die a fun Death" contest


Details | Limerick | |

An Unappreciated Housewife

He walks into the room each day at six
As around their Dad all five children mix
     He smiles at them with glee
     Meantime he sneers at me
So I get prepared to take all his licks

“What have you been doing all day?” he asks
No appreciation for all my tasks
     “Washed clothes and changed diapers
     Don’t need any gripers”
This insensitive father wears two masks

Each morning his breakfast is served on time
Later, vodka collins are served with lime
     He never shops for food
     Says my cooking’s no good
And when he bathes, the tub is filled with grime

My Mom said, “Men just work from sun to sun,
But a woman’s housework is never done” 
     I found a new game plan
     A hearty, handsome man
Together, my husband we could outrun




May 25, 2012
*Entry for David’s 3 H contest


Details | Limerick | |

Kayak Fishing Surprise

Ole Les set out by kayak from the shore

Big blue marlin rose from the ocean floor

  Nipped his bait, gave Les a tow

  Water-logged craft sank below

Friends shook their heads and said, "No Les, no more"



4/27/2011
Written for John Freeman's "Fishing" limerick contest
Okay, the man's name wasn't Les ,but this video shows two kayaks being towed 11 
miles by marlins.  I took a little poetic license with the ending too.  Both men 
survived.  If you fish you will be amazed by this video:  
http://www.youtube.com/user/KayakFishingTales?
v=FqVEvNocKTA&feature=pyv&ad=4751720259&kw=kayaking


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Mouse in the House

A little grey mouse snuck into the house to get himself out of the cold. Then the house cat Who saw where he sat pursued him I am told. The lazy old dog who sleeps like log was startled by the chase, So she woke up her own small pup and they joined in the race. My sister the baby decided that maybe she would give it a try, She started a spat And was scratched by the cat and then she started to cry. That’s when mom called to Uncle Tom to come and lend a hand, With a straw broom mom circled the room knocking plants from off a stand. In came my dad and he was quite mad because the house was in disarray He was vexed with what happened next But it happened just this way. Our two brave bowsers chased the mouse up dad’s trousers He thought he’d be safe in there. Until Dad started to dance with the mouse in his pants Then he jumped up on a kitchen chair. Mom smacked dad’s seat and then came a repeat And the mouse climbed out of his pocket. Unseen by all he started to crawl into the wall through an open socket. Later that night, With no one in sight, I put out a nut for the little mouse. I had no hate toward him, And I tried to reward him. Even if he was trapped inside our house. I told him my name, And he did the same, Then he stuffed the nut into his cheeks. He said thanks for the food, And I don’t mean to be rude, But that was the most fun that I’ve had in weeks.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Uninvited Guest

2009 and the expenses scandal
Made Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, lament
So John Bercow, was appointed new ‘Speaker’
To be ‘The Commons’ new broom, was his intent

But he was faced, with an unlikely challenge
In his efforts to clean up ‘the house’
For running loose, in his official residence
Was a small, grey, furry, wily mouse

‘The Speaker’s’ efforts to entrap his visitor
All failed, with equal measure 
So Sally, his wife, used her ‘Twitter’ account
To seek help on catching the creature

“Eeek, we have a mouse!” she did post
“And under the dish washer it’s run,
It’s Sunday, and the ‘mouse-catcher’s’ day off
Can someone tell me – what can be done?”

“My husband’s been ever so manly
But all of his efforts have failed,
Please can someone come up with a plan
To put this small rodent in jail?”

Suggestions came from near and far,
But all of them failed to succeed
The mouse still evaded the Bercow’s grasp
This led Labour MP, Gordon Prentice, to plead

To ‘The Commons’, “Why not have a resident cat
To rid ‘The House’ of the mouse population?”
But the members said, “No – that’s inhumane
We prefer control over eradication 

This ‘House’ has stood for centuries, and,
There’s always been a problem with mice
But to bring in a cat, to kill them all
Well, the voters wouldn’t consider that, nice!

That’s why Parliament employs the ‘mouse-catcher’
To monitor and control the pests
So, until he can catch the Bercow’s mouse,
They’ll just have to live with their uninvited guest!”


Details | Limerick | |

From Mouse to Spouse

Through the window I looked one day
At a poor lassie in troubled display
She stood high on a chair
In such a terrified stare
Shouting "Oh! please, please go away"

I needed to view this even more
Running round I looked in the door
So afraid in her house
Of a little door-mouse
Sweat was running from her pores

So being the gentleman that I am
To get this damsel out of this jam
I said "Hey! furry dude
Please don't be so rude
For your scaring this poor little madam"

So I gently picked up the door-mouse
And kindly removed from her house
Her tears turned to joy
Throwing her arms round this boy
Not long after, she became my spouse








http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-4.php


Details | Narrative | |

Bubbly Cheerful And Happy

                            In a small town there lived a little lady
                                  The lady`s name was Lucinda
                     Lucinda was always bubbling, cheerful and happy
                           When she laughed here rolling laughter,
                              both her cheeks and bosom shaked
                          She was a beautiful woman with wide hips,
                              and a butt as big as a dinner table
                           Lucinda was old and walking was difficult
                                and life was not so easy for her
                              She had not so much in this world,
                               but she always brought a bicycle
                         Everyone in the small town would help her
                                        as best they could
                 Whatever you did for her, she thanked  with these words:
                             "You shall have my old bike when I die"
                Following the bubbling laughter, shaking cheeks and bosom
                           Everyone in the small town knew Lucinda,
                                 loved her and wanted to help her
                                     Same thanks every time:
                            "You shall have my old bike when I die"
                                        Now Lucinda is dead
                    Her bike the city has received as a gift from Lucinda
                   If you see a bike in the flower park in the small town
                  Is it to remind the beloved sweet, rolling round Lucinda 
                                 that was always cheerful and happy







  

                             * Just written for joy..... not for a contest

27.04.2012
A-L Andresen


Details | Acrostic | |

Chocolate Kiss

C hocolate Candy Emmmm what a treat.
H as sweet ingredients that can't be beat.
O h what delight to put in our mouth and eat.
C hocolate a passionate lovers sweet.                              (
O nly the lonely will not eat this meat.                             (
L overs who Love chocolate will find this neat.                 ^
A ll chocolate will cause lovers to stay in heat.               &  &
T ake your time and savor this candy.                         %    %
E ach one of you knows it makes you randy.               @@@@@      

K issing with chocolate covered lips is bliss.
I n your mouth each tongue will entwine with a kiss.
S o get yourself some chocolate today.
S weet chocolate candy will help you to play!


Details | Verse | |

Peg-Leg Pete The Pirate And Dirty Deadeye Dan

Peg-Leg Pete the Pirate was a very evil man,
He used to eat his dinner from a filthy frying pan,
And when he’s finished eating he’d play “catch me if you can”
With his desperado first-mate known as Dirty Deadeye Dan.

Now Dan was quite a ladies man, but also fond of booze,
In bars and streets and hotels he liked to drink and cruise,
He used to taunt old-Peg Leg Pete by dragging up old news,
Like Pete had only ever needed half a pair of shoes.

One day Pete had quite enough and things got pretty scary,
Confronting Dirty Deadeye Dan whose mood was always lairy,
A sudden hush fell on the room when Pete clumped in the bar
And Dan called out: “Hey, Peg-Leg, hop on over, have a jar.”

Peg-Leg Pete the Pirate clasped the pistol on his hip
And snarled at Dirty Deadeye Dan: “Enough of your damn lip.”
The floozy sat upon Dan’s lap was dumped onto the floor
And Dan rose to his feet and hissed: “You’d best limp out the door.”

Across the sawdust, blood-stained floor they faced each other down,
And you could hear a pin drop from the other side of town,
Eyes were locked and fingers twitched and seconds seemed like days
The tension burned unbearably and shimmered in the haze.

Both men drew their pistols and both men fired fast,
Flame spat from the barrels with the bullets roaring past,
But neither man could aim for squat and when their guns were done
They’d killed two people in the bar but they weren’t either one.

The barman Blind-man Billy Bragg and the floozy Scar-Faced Sue
Lay dead as dead as doornails, as doornails tend to do,
And through the pall of gun-smoke and the mist of rum and beer
Deadeye Dan called out to Pete: “We’d best get out of here.”

And so they did, they fled the bar, and vanished in the night,
Back to their ship, The Crippled Cock, and sailed on out of sight,
Never to return to shore, and never seen again,
The rumour is they sank and drowned just off the Spanish Main.

The moral of the story is that when you draw a gun,
Be prepared to end your days always on the run,
“Or in your case, always on the limp,” said Dirty Deadeye Dan
To Peg-Leg Pete the Pirate, that very evil man. 


Details | Concrete | |

If Children Were Puppies

                                                IF MY
                                            CHILDREN
                                         WERE PUPPIES
                                            THEY’D BE
                                               NICER
                                                  TO
                                                  ME.
                                THEY WOULD NOT BE FUSSY
                        AND            TALK BACK YOU            SEE.                       
                       SIT             BRAVE AND LOYAL           NOT                        
                       TRY             TO RUN AND HIDE.           AND
                                        FAITHFULLY  FOLLOW
                                           NEVER LEAVING
                                            MY SIDE. BUT
                                            IF CHILDREN
                                             WERE PUPS
                                              THEN THEY
                                              MIGHT EAT
                                             LIKE    HOGS
                                            CHEW    YOUR 
                                          GOOD        SHOE   
                                 MAYBE HIDE         YOUR CLOGS
 	    AND IF CHILDREN WERE PUPPIES, THEN WE’D ALL BE DOGS!

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
12.02.2012


Details | Rhyme | |

SHOW TIME

I'm named Delysia (sic) Patricia. This poem was 
inspired by Chris De Burgh's "Stripper" song.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABwDWwYX0Q4.

A buxom beaut
ill of repute
amply endowed with bits to spare
undoubtedly cute
without dispute
had a penchant her wares to lay bare
 
She'd vocationally strip
do the occasional dip
her pockets bulged, much like her chest
they'd oft cause a trip
o'er th' tarmac she'd skip
six burlies her would lift:  two aft;  two a breast
 
Her stage was wee
a dinghy room on the quay
she sensually danced to excite
with pouting lips
and swinging hips
the flame in her quarries ignite
 
Their feet they tapped
with fist in lap
attempting to conceal the unquestionable
bitty-by-bitty
our temptress went skitty
swinging her frilly unmentionables
 
No item was spared
to the bone she had bared
when in marched the cops in line
they stood there erect
she wiggled her ass-et
winked:  I guess it's your place, not mine?
 
Clad like Eve
sans a fig leaf
our Delilah was escorted downtown
the commander pulled rank
said he she should flank
on the bumpety road going down
 
What transpired en route
is a question that's moot
exhausted the troupe reached the station
she bluntly refused
a gown to use
purred:  would you draw me an inked carnation? 
 
The time drew near
for the lass to appear
the air at the station funereal
they'd lose their charge
who by and large
was their best ever prison material
 
The judge was sad
his mood was bad
his Sunday night romp failed to show
he sat rubbing an itch
cursed himself and the *****
and the pills he swallowed his manhood to grow
 
Cradling his nether part
in waltzed the objet d' art
the cause of his undue distress
well taken aback
his jaw went slack
drooling to see her in undress
 
Adjusted in a blink
as she copped him a wink:
Accused, your charges are grave
how pleadeth thee
guilty or not guilty?
'tis alleged you scandalously behaved
 
M'Lord, I'm guilty
I beg pardon from thee
though my apology be rather belated 
while your service was due
I engaged the cop crew
they kept me bound and incarcerated
 
Still nursing his nuts:
you're nowt but a slut
for your misdeeds you've shown no repentance
for your wayward behavior
you're to serve hard labor
under my personal care to serve sentence
 
The remaining accused
all are excused
henceforth heed the laws of the land
this court stands adjourned
he looked at her stern:
I'll now take this hussy in hand




Details | Monorhyme | |

A Soup Tragedy

Since Kash revealed "her" secret, I have turned red.
All day I cried onto the pillow on my bed.
I think the whole true awful tale needs to be said.
A tragedy! I now feel like a blunderhead.
And though she is a vixen, I have to say I led
Kash on that “love rail” with me. Bold-spirited,
with lustful Soupmail, eagerly I visited
this "lass", who seems so manly! Lies had been fed
to me by her. She’s not a man, and I misread
her amorous responses. All my hope has fled!
There’s more!  I’m gay. My real name's Andrew. Now with dread
I face the fact I can’t have Kash. My poor heart’s dead.

(I decided I better put an explanation here because I wrote this more than a year
ago for a contest in which we were supposed to write a poem that could be either
a lie or the truth.  After Kashinath, my good friend and a MAN, wrote a very funny
poem proclaiming himself a woman, this was my way of doing a fictional poem in  
response to his funny contest entry!  OH, the poem of KASH POET is called A SECRET FUNNY TALE, I hope you will read it!)

For Shani Fassbender's really cool contest: Tell Me a Secret

And now for PD's contest: Make me Laugh


Details | Narrative | |

My Cousin's Wedding

My cousin shared her wishes and dreams, On our star gazing night, she whispered them so sweet As a shooting star glided down from the sky, She said, I wish ….. I wish…. all I wish are these tonight Someday, I will marry a smart, rich and handsome guy And have a grandiose banquet on my nuptial rite We’ll be dancing like a lovely prince and princess , With all my wedding sponsors on their best suits and dresses All in pink ,that’s the motif I will surely request. She kept into her dreams as several years passed by, Still searching for her prince charming who’s hard to find Unconsciously going beyond the age to give birth to a child, In a hurry at age of seventy, she took a rich ninety years old guy. The wedding was held after a day or two, The guy seated on his wheelchair with rheumatism on his toe She headed slowly at the alter to accept his shaking hands, Two nurses followed, so with sponsors dressed up in printed brown. The highlight of the wedding rite started at once, They held tightly with a nebulizers on the other hands, But the words of oath, they took time to pronounce False teeth were both misplaced and nowhere to be found. Reception followed grandiosely in the guy’s mansion, I saw many old men and women still eager to dance on the floor, With hunched back, shaking knees, they twisted rock and roll Then, sweet music played and my cousin danced with her groom. But, we all wondered how did he stand alone? He’s so heavy , I knew my cousin couldn’t help him at all, With our great surprise, his nurse was at his side like his crutch Everyone thought , he’s really a smart guy! Was he not? Then, everyone followed them so happily on the spacious hall, And in trio, they held each other so tight and moved like a fool.
Written: Sept. 15, 2012 First Place Contest: My Cousin's Wedding (funny poem) Contest Judged: 9/30/2012 Poet Sponsor: Joann Grisetti


Details | Haiku | |

Excrushitting

Must make haste
Excruciating!
Time for "waste"


Details | Limerick | |

The Sneaky Ninja Wannabe

There once was a ninja named Dwight
who sneaked into my house one night.
Bumping into my bed,
when he saw me, he said,
"I'd do better in here with some light!"


Category: Humorous


Details | Rhyme | |

A Good Appearance With A Bad Intention

My adored is here, Oh Vincent! Charming with your perfume's scent not minding if it costs just 50 cent. Wishing to lean on you and form a crescent on your well endowed body which is like an expensive present. Stealing a kiss from me is decent but pulling me back and forcefully keeping my legs bent; even with my resistance, you would not relent makes you a pathetic Dog 100 percent. And I am regretful of my time badly spent. I escaped, when you were a little complacent as you rudely smiled like a badly trained Adolescent. And all these while, I thought you were innocent. How dare you try to penetrate without passing through my consent? Now that the beast in you, you represent, the only thing I have to say to you is REPENT!


Details | Free verse | |

Internet Dating

I find it hard to get on the internet, FB, and  the soup

Everytime I get at the computer

My puppy crawls into my lap

She's trying to find a date....

She has hooked up with a dingo in Australia but

I hated to tell her that it was a hungry crocodile incognito!!


Details | Limerick | |

O Worldly Concept god

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
Thou that holds illusions in selling lies
    Max out your credit cards
    Lenders be holder’s lords
Forfeiting all bank notes as owner cries

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
My babies wonder about Christmas guys
    My babies’ futures be scared
    Must obey corporate lords
“O thou commercialized corporate lies”

Just commercialized greedy Xmas rush
Souls like zombies of  the corporate thrust 
    The X  of  the Christ
    O Love’s sacrifice
“In commercialized corporate we trust”

For Commercialized Humor contest
Sponsored by: Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Rhyme | |

Inspector Tweede

There was no finer detective than Inspector Thaddeus Tweede of Scotland Yard!
He was most astute in solving crimes and could quickly detect a fake canard!
He joined the force as a 'bobby' working himself to the peak of his profession.
You daren't pull the wool over his eyes when he was seeking a confession!

Ah!  He could have been cast in a movie since he was a detective's prototype,
In his tweed suit, tweed cape, tweed deerstalker's cap and ever-present pipe!
When investigating crime scenes he'd mull the facts with his chin in his hand,
Puffing his pipe making copious notes should he be called to the witness stand!

The highlight of his career was solving the case of Prime Minister Percival Hoar,
Who was found by his maid one dark and stormy night sprawled upon the floor!
There was no evidence of forceful entry or anyone breaking through the door,
Nor was there any sign of a struggle, bullet holes or oozing, bloody gore!

Who could have done this dastardly deed that brought the minister to his doom?
He took prints, photos and noted a strange odor as he moved about the room.
Thaddeus called on all his experience and training to solve this mysterious case,
Muttering to himself and doing a lot of 'hmming' as to and fro he did pace!

Eureka!  He noted a bulge in the prime minister's jacket he hadn't noticed before!
Gingerly lifting a bottle from the pocket he deduced he needn't search anymore.
It wasn't a gun, the butler, jilted lover, political enemy or an envious friend
That did the terrible deed - 'twas demon rum that brought the minister to his end!

Placed No. 6 in Soup's International Contest - Feb 2012 ($25 + Certificate)


Details | Narrative | |

To All Four-legged AND Two-legged


Hello to all four-legged and two-legged friends in the big world
The people who take care of us, do not know as much as they think
We are probably smarter than they are
Take for example, that little cell phone that our people
always have with them wherever they go
What we do.....lift the foot and "send a message" to a friend
When I am out and walking with my people I get many interesting "messages"
Some "messages" are very interesting and take a little longer time to "read"
Then my people impatient, pulling and struggling the leash
What they can not understand that I must "answer" to all "messages"
Our "conversations" and "messages" are equally important
Think about it....they are also free....there is no expense
When their cell phone call or pling they take time to respond
Hello all two-legged humans our messages are just as important as yours









16.June.2012
A-L Andresen


Details | Lyric | |

Beer Pong Balls

-Sing along to Jingle Bells-


Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


Drinking Michelobe... Sipping on some Jack...
We just made two cups... Give us the balls back!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Guys can finger cups... Girls know they can blow...
I'm hall of fame, In this game, cause I drink like a pro

OOOOhh!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


A day or two ago... Drinking Miller Light...
I had won eight games, and then got in a fight...
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
We ran out of beer... Had to get some more...
If I'm alive, then I can drive, let's all go to the store!

OOOOhh!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


Details | Bio | |

All about Dan

So you want to get to know me,ok well here goes It's already in my poetry,but I may have left something out who knows? For the last twenty years I've been wearing Nike shoes,hightops that are black They're alot easier to clean then white ones I must say,that is a definite fact My friends all seem to like me and I greet them all with a big smile I've met alot of them through a life of partying,but now thats been over for a while My favorite book is the bible,because whenever I read it I learn something new My favorite movie I couldn't really tell you,since I have seen oh quite a few My favorite song is from Tim Mcgraw,it's"Live Like You Were Dying" In a funny kind of way it refreshes my soul,and I usually end up crying Favorite singer I don't really have one,so I guess it would have to be myself Because I just love it when I sing all the words and don't need anyones help My hair is a dirty blond thats straight,short and very fine It doesn't have a single curl and I know it's all still mine My favorite shampoo is Pert it leaves my hair so silky smooth With the fine and thining hair that I have,it's the one I prefer to use My favorite food is pizza,but fresh baked bread is my favorite smell If I had a food I'd eat everyday that is the one that would put me through hell I have everything I need,with only a few things that I dislike The only thing I want or really need is the love of my loving wife
Dan Kearley:5-25-12 Contest:All About ____???


Details | Rhyme | |

The 70's

Back in those heavy times when everything was so far out Our words were but a whisper, the mans were but a shout Flower power was spreading, and everything was out of sight Preaching peace through out the days, and gettin our groove on into the night But we were always gettin hassled, by the fuzz, the man, the pigs They didn't want us smokin doobies, and flashin peace signs, can ya dig? Then peace and love had flourished, we needed to get funky and do our thing We needed a place to get our groove on, so the discos were the scene The threads we wore back then were styling, some were off the hook! It's hard to believe with the slim bread we made, we could carry that funky look? Bellbottoms, platform shoes, and jump suits people were a cravin Boogieing away the nights in the discos, where the lights were just a blazin Then the foxy chicks started getting pregoed, and the discos no longer Dyno-mite! Men needed to start makin more bread, and trying to live the family life But gigs weren't easy to find, and life became somewhat of a drag Some of the dudes skipped town, leaving the foxy mamas holding the bag Well thats the skinny of the seventies, the lowdown of peoples ways So keep on truckin all you cool cats and foxy mamas And remember all those ~Freaky, ~Far Out, ~Out Of Sight days
Dan Kearley:1-21-12


Details | Rhyme | |

The Fat Girl

I may be fat but I can cook soul food to put you in a good mood I don't mean to be rude but you look like a string bean
You only know how to make sandwiches I can make steaks to take your breath away
you say I look like a steak but you can't even make a cake you need to drink more shakes
I need to eat more salads but at least I have a big wallet


I may be fat but I can dance your eyes are  glued to my thighs are you hypnotize yet
Do you want to take a chance and try to beat me in dancing you can't defeat me 
I can shake my hips and do flips I can drop it like its hot you can only pop that's not much 
Oh, now you want to challenge me but you can't balance on the dance floor 
The crowd wants to see me more you were just a bore 

I may be fat but I'm the one who looks pretty in this skirt you look silly like Big Bert
You say I don't look good in a bikini because I'm not tiny but at least I'm not  bony like you
You say I look like a buffalo but at least I don't have a problem finding a fellow
I don't mean to be a pest but you started this mess why don't you give it a rest
I'm fat but I'm telling you I'm the best you don't need to guess 

I may be fat but I'm good at writing poetry
You say that  you're good too but people are going to say boo to you
You say that isn't true and I need to pray because I won't win but I know I can 
You say that people wouldn't pay cash to see me but they will chase me I have a nice ass
you say your poetry  will get publish but that's only a wish I will you forgot to take your pills


Men want to be with me because I have meat on me you only have bones 
You say that I don't look like a model but men want to play with me and pay me to date 
I may be fat but I found a man who likes me like that but your man said you act like a brat
I'm getting married tomorrow don't feel sorrow 
You can laugh but at least I'm glad that I'm not sad or bad and I'm not a brat so take that


Details | Rhyme | |

GREEN

GREEN

My name is Jade Shamrock Green
I hate  green bean
When I get mad, I turn green
I wear my green jeans
I stare at the color green
Not every green path leads to a flowing stream
I lay on the grass so green
I won a jackpot of green
To visit the Green Mountains in Vermont is like a dream
My eye has a small tint of green
My jealousy comes in the color green
I diet on green veggie that are lean
The Green Bay Packers are My favorite team
I believe all frogs should come in green
It's a family gift to carry a green thumb gene
My garden has the greenest life I have ever seen
Lemons are yellow, but limes are green
The Irish do not all believe in green
In my green house all the plants are full of streams 
A  jester wore a green beret for the king and queen
The unripe sour apple is moldy green
 Flicking me a green bugger is gross and mean
Why do leprechauns wear color green? 
Not all clovers have only three leaves of green
Green is the middle color of the rainbow theme
LINDA MARIE, loves the month of emerald green
My favorite color has always been green
This is all about wearing green on March the seventeen

                 3-17-10


Details | Limerick | |

Poetry Destryer Vs Gareth James (round 3)

For who is this poetry destroyer
A cop, but who else would employ her?
As she spies no end
No poet, she pretends
Vanilla ice in leopard skin fur.

You ask If I want mommies hug
wouldn’t that be nice, lovely and snug
You just want to hold me
Under that great oak tree
And kiss me on your picnic rug

You want the vultures to enjoy
My sweet flesh, is that your ploy?
Wanting to be them
Eyeing up my sweet gem
Tell the truth, you just want a toy boy 

Well our future together would be bright
Injets, pens and cartridges in sight
You’d color me in
Goodness what a sin
As I would always do the best write

Hang up your gloves as your are weak
You are also classed as an antique
A low blow I know
Don’t cry, don’t go
You can come back with a new technique.

If I don’t hear from the poetry cop 
I will know I have come out on top
Good bye little girl
Give us one more twirl
Now, this should be the final full stop (.)!

P.D, this is the first one ive done. Took me a while. Very good fun though. I kind of limit’s 
the write.


Details | Clerihew | |

Double U Bush

.
                                                   
What the Quack!
I dont want my poems in Poem Zoo!
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
Quack
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Quack
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Quack
Quack




.


Details | Rhyme | |

Cheep Sweet Talk

"I've loved thee since I first saw thee as an adorable egg in thy nest!
Wouldst that thee would deign to marry me and put my pining heart at rest!
I hold thy delicate talon in my beak awaiting with bated breath,
For thine answer to my plea to be my beloved until parted by death!"

"All that I have to offer thee is a cozy nest in yon apple tree,
Safe from prowling cats and mean little kids to raise a family!
Please give me thy answer ere the sun sinks slowly in the west,
That I may begin to build thy dream home, thy cozy little nest!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Honorable Mention in Francine Roberts' "Enough" Contest -  May 2011


Details | Rhyme | |

Lost Words

Sometimes I catch them easily,
The words I'm reaching for;
At other times watch helplessly
As they crash to the floor.
I try to reassemble but
They've landed in a jumble.
I grab too fast for floaters and
My chair and I both tumble.

Susie thinks it is hilarious
And joins into the fun.
Before she hears my "stop", she has
Already swallowed one.
I am truly very sorry
There are no poems from me.
You will know why when I tell you
My dog ate my poetry.



Won 3rd place


Details | Lyric | |

Yard Sale Cowboy On CD

From here to wherever, I'll follow a yard sale sign,
it's a past time endeavor, for my collective state of mind,
I may buy some furniture, or a trinket for a dime,
yard saling is a pleasure, yes, a personal hobby of mine,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
and it gives me great joy, to see a yard sale sign,
from here to wherever, cloudy days or sunshine,
I'm searching for that treasure, ain't no telling what I'll find,

I may find brand new things, boots, shoes, or clothes the right size,
silver and gold chains or rings, or an antique will catch my eyes,
I could find my brother a nice bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
or maybe a nice piece of furniture, or something for a friend of mine,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
and it gives me great joy, to see a yard sale sign,
It's a past time endeavor, for my collective state of mind,
Yard saling is a pleasure, ain't no telling what I"ll find,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, I just spotted a yard sale sign,
searching is a pleasuree, ain't no telling what I'll find,
I may find an old bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
now one thing is for sure, I just found my cat a ball of twine,
and look here, I found my ol' dog a bone to grind,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
I may find an old bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
from here to wherever, cloudy days or sunshsine,
I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, ain't no telling what I'll find,

Hey Bud, how much for that there what-cha-ma-call-it?
Naw Naw, Naw, that there thing-a-ma-jig, there next to that do-ma-flitchie,
Yea, Yea, that thinga-ma-jig right there.....ya say three dollars..um-m-m..OK...
I'll take it...here ya go.....and how much for that do-daddy over there?
Yea, yea, right next to those 2 onion skin tires...Uh Huh..yea..well I'll be..
Well yea..I'll take it too...it's something I just can't live without...ha ha ha..


Details | Limerick | |

REAL CEREAL -TRIX

 **REAL CEREAL TRIX**

This girl  Rio's, packed lunch in a cereal bowl

Her language almost sounds like espanol

Adding chocolate chunks to her munch

Funny how she ate, cinnamon toast crunch 

The real TRIX is to add corn, in anything, NIKKO!


hahha kidding!


dedicated to RIO~aka NIKKO


Details | Ballad | |

The Ballad Of Prospector Pete

Prospector Pete had roamed the hills fer years searchin' fer gold!
He and his faithful burro, Fred, were both growin' weary and old.
He'd looked fer color in many a mountain and stream in Colorado,
Lookin' fer that mother lode, that elusive vein, his own El Dorado!

Oh, he'd found a few nuggets here and there, but didn't amount to much.
Those he did find he'd blown on gamblin', women, whiskey and such!
Pete would save a bag of dust or two from his many wanton toots,
To grubstake himself to re-supply his picks, jeans, shovels and boots.

He staked his claims along ripplin' streams and left many holes along the way.
The mountains and valleys are pocked with his many diggin's to this very day!
He'd come up dry, nothin' there, and move on to more appealin' pickin's,
Burrowin' and pannin' with elbows flyin' workin' like the dickens!

Pete would winter in his cabin 'til spring then he'd begin his annual quest,
Packin' his tools on long-sufferin' Fred and headin' fer the hills to the west.
If he didn't find that elusive bonanza this year he swore that he would retire,
To his ramshackle cabin at the foot of Mount Pisgah and enjoy the blazin' fire!

Years passed and Prospector Pete wasn't seen 'round town much anymore.
On a wintry day his friends found him froze to death upon his cabin floor!
They dug Prospector Pete's grave and buried him outside his cabin door.
Eureka! Six feet down was that vein of gold that he'd been lookin' for!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

The Tooth Fairy's Confession

Everyone has a good old time
They’re written in songs, they’re written in rhyme,
They have their own days or have their own season,
And none of those guys get more applause
Than that fat old dude named Santa Clause.
Jack Frost is praised for nothing more
Than leaving his artwork on windows and doors,
And the boogeyman gets accolades
For scarin’ the hell outta Susie and Dave.
I can’t get busy with my petty labors
Till the Sandman goes and does me a favor.
They’re all guys and all overrated,
Overpaid, over loved, like that rabbit I dated,
And what do I get for a nighttime of chores
But a sack full of teeth and not a thing more.
Well, none of ‘em will think it’s so freakin’ funny
When they find what I’ve done with that damn Easter Bunny!

For Andrea's Show Me The Funny Part Two




Details | Personification | |

A DOGS LIFE

I've been shoved out in the back yard, A bit ruff, don't you agree? It's not that I've disgraced myself, No,It's because SHE caught a flea! Don't know what all the fuss is about, I mean they don't bother me. Any way I need the exercise, It's a great way to have a good scratch. Those crafty little blighters They get right under my thatch. I like to chase 'em out To see how many I can catch. I grabs 'em and bites 'em And has my bit of fun. When they see these gnashers,grrr, You should see them try to hop and run. Oh! there's one,oh! there's one, Oh! there's another one. He-llo!what's going on here then? Aaarghh! that stuffs awful,smells really bad. Oy, watch where you're spraying! If you don't mind,I still want'a be a dad! Sometimes these humans just don't care. They drive me barking mad. Howoooo, I'm fed up with all this palaver I can't stand all this strife--. Hang on-time to be 'mummies darling'. Here comes his soppy wife. The things you have to do to make them happy. It really is a dog's life!
Palaver-fuss or bother


Details | Senryu | |

When a Man Loves a Woman: A Male Black Widow's Perspective

Gladly would I die
for your love, my dear...No! Wait!
Just kidding! Just kid...

For Andrea's 'Show me the funny' contest


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

Pique Nique


Enchanting is the beauty of her pic
he reckons if they tried the night to guile,
she would become a pique nique exotique
anthology of verse to read worthwhile.

What Coppertone's epoque, deep tan invites
whereon his tasting buds should ever trace
poetic cuisine's discourse fourthright
his foreign language will reach touch base.

Shan't ever inspirations lead his flight
above the sweetness of her warm eyes' hue
hors d'oeuvres' delicacy and choice of sight
a connoisseur of arts should taste fondue.

© G.V., 08-21-2013


Details | Than-Bauk | |

Juicy Kaboosey


her derriere in the air high eyes wearing out
Than-Bauk written for Rick Parise's contest


Details | Limerick | |

Pumpkin Cake

There once was a girl from Arizona
Who could only fit in a kimona
She vowed to lose some weight
But loved all kinds of cake
Even drawn by pumpkin cake's aroma  

She vowed that she would be stronger
Would wear kimonos no longer
With cotton up her nose
From the table arose
Now in leggins she does saunter


Sponsor: Gwendolin R.
Contest:A Limerick In My Pocket


Details | Rhyme | |

Unicorn Porn

PD, Please don’t be offended by my gift
An Incubus told me you needed it
For nights when you’re alone and bored:
A gigantic, over-sized, unicorn horn!


10/1/12
Black Eyed Susan
Dedicated to PD in honor of her birthday October 7th :)


Details | Burlesque | |

The Eyeshadow Girl

The blend of colors enlightens her day when she decides to embrace them;
She loves various colors which bring alive a girl’s eyes;
Each color depicts the triumph of beauty from within that is eager to fly more than twice;
The charisma of colors vitalizes one’s surrounding being a priceless gem.

Surveying around, she picks her Jimmy Choo;
Picking up her Chanel bag she appreciates her labor of love;
Then she looks at her sister to Shoo;
She knows that materialism and spiritualism is hard work from blessing above.


Details | Rhyme | |

Count Dracula


It was a time ov thirst, crepuscle zearchin, 
the Count in dark, becharmed her every secret zeal; 
vatever aappened to his favoroured virzzin? 
Vatever aappened to his crimson meal? 
..............

My bite I'll hold to thine exquisite neck, 
(In Transylvania I'm vaiting, auspicious maid) , 
vas told that virzzins vaporized from earth, 
and so evil vampires will stay thirsty, I'm afraid.

My Castle, I assert, vill vait for thee, 
It is embarrassing for Counts to dine on food, 
meanvile red should be drunk like rare chablis, 
vilt thou, fair maid, succumb to my persisting mood? 

Hast thou ever heard of my night delights? 
Thou vilt dine on rare meat vile listening to tunes from the abyss, 
I'll beguile your thoughts under candle lights, 
and then (enraptured nymph), thou shalt receive my kiss.

Thou shalt be my companion to dark doom, 
Teetotal I became due to the lack of virzzins, 
it is more evident ven your perfume, 
enthralls my Dracula stimulated senses.

I'll bend on your rest, vile you'll be asleep, 
vere bats from caves have fled around the room before, 
like from a fresh rose your red I shall reap, 
and in crepuscular twilight ve, shall soar.

© 01-26-2013, G. V., All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

From the Prison

.

                                       She was a colleen from Limerick
                                       with honors in Cambridge and Warwick
                                       Im a Chelsea hooligan from Harrow  
                                       unskilled worker with bricks in a barrow

                                       Being a randy bloke, I always smile
                                       to young foxy ladies who lives in style
                                       A wink on the sly, my bed a la carte
                                       but it's sheer shilly-shally on her part

                                       What did she say? "I remained dubious 
                                       but I acquiesce with insouciance"
                                       We walked to my place and she said this thing:
                                       "This is my affaire de coeur not your wing-ding"

                                       Everything was a misunderstanding
                                       body... quintessential? boxer... expanding?
                                       she dillydallied for half an hour  
                                       until my frown changed into a glower. 

                                       That my performance was evocative
                                       that blowhard was to be talkative
                                       so she never speaks with her mouth full
                                       her intellectuality was a bull...!

                                       Mickey mouse bad kitty, an awful joke
                                       her constant balderdash deserved a stroke 
                                       I looked hither and yon for a retribution 
                                       to lambaste or cold cock her was the solution

                                       This easy-rider wasn't worth diddly-squat
                                       but abso-bloody-lutely food for thought
                                       In hindsight, it might have been the reason
                                       ...burning the British Library is a high treason



.


Details | Epigram | |

A season's dance


avant-garde

What art thou, splendid maid, inclined to verse?
Upon the skies, the stars thy words rehearse.

The darkness cometh with a Fall's request
while in thy kitchen, Gail, should do your best;

for spicy tastes the famous bard now begs
but you regaled his pleas with two boiled eggs.

The Eros Iamb feet, sung by the sire,
repeated are by stray cats' alto choire.

while resonant, of music flaws he shuns,
cats meow at him, from two deep tin trash cans.

Your bucket-full of water then, is thrown,
to fall upon his head and new iphone.

Enchanted so, thou callest the fine bard,
to dance with you Fall's jazzy avant-garde.

© G. V., 10-03-2013
(Iambic pentameter)


Details | Tanka | |

-Nose hair madness-

I think I saw one I move a little closer there’s another one nose hair can be disgusting Nikko should I pull them out?
*Nikko's body part of choice nose hair lol*


Details | Rhyme | |

Not My Day

Cock-a-doodle-do,the sun is shining through,
Light appears in the sky,darkness turns to blue,
Sneakers or shoe,what do you think my boo,
Left my umbrella at home,rain soaked my shoe,
Achoo-acho-acho,now I have the flu,
Head-ache and cold,seems I caught them too,
My muscles are aching,shivering right through,
Hate taking tablets,a cup of herbal tea will do,
Ahhh-ya-yi,kicked the wall,my God what a blow,
Wobbling to the bathroom,now I broke my toe,
Sitting in the doctors' coach, perched like a crow, 
Darn plaster polish,messing up my flow,
She loves me,she loves me not,what will this flower choose,
Came home early,sick,battered and bruised,
Heard basket ball on the t.v,my boo only watches news,
Burst into the bedroom,to see her hugging another dude,
Bye,bye,bye,pack your things and go away,
I gave you my all,why,why did you stray,
Woke up this morning,energetic and gay,
One thing for certain,today wasn't my day...


Details | Verse | |

Was It You - - - It Was Not Me

                                           



                                                    Who ate the biscuits

                                                    Who drank the milk

                                                     It was not the cat

                                                      Neither the rat

                                                    The platter is empty

                                                  and the milk is drunk out

                                               Is that YOU ..... it`s not ME .....

                                                 I think Santa has been here

                                                      Do you believe ?


                                                                                                                




26.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Narrative | |

So many shades of green

visitin me aunty Cushla
For the first time in Ballybay
I found meself beside a signpost
An I stopped to find me way.
It was then I spied a little feller
Laid behind a bale of hay
He was prepared to help me 
but wanted to know what I was prepared to pay.

Well I couldn't believe what I was hearin
He's a tight fisted scallywag
but he wouldn't listen to reason 
and jangled the coins in his money bag.
Would ye do that to a feller Irishman ?
I hope yer marry a sour faced old hag 
He said , Why do yer think I'm chargin yer
Shut yer gob an get out yer swag.

He rubbed his hands as I counted me money
Just like Ebenezer Scrooge 
Gigglin like an hyena 
With his cheeks the colour of rouge.
Twenty pieces of silver
I thought his price was huge
The guys a bloody comedian 
an I am to be his stooge.

He stood up from behind the bale
An dressed in so many shades of green 
With his funny hat and his little pipe
On his shillelagh he began to lean.
Now where was it yer said yer were goin
Ah Ballybay , Well to prove I'm not too mean 
I'm gonna walk there with yer 
Aren't I the most generous leprechaun yerv ever seen?

As we walked I told him about me aunty Cushla
an me bein on holiday fer two weeks
He handed me back me money 
I'm so dumbfounded I can't speak
Ah to see a leprechaun yer must believe 
He said,So yer must forgive me cheek
An its luvvly to see a young Irish lad
Who didn't treat me like a freak.

Well Shamus an me became buddies
Fer the duration of me stay
Downin pints an eatin colcannon 
an dancin in the Irish way
He could really play a fiddle 
An no more did I have to pay
I loved me visit to see aunty Cushla
On me first trip to Ballybay. 






Details | Rhyme | |

Paint the World

Brush in hand,I lay my plan,
Start from the sea,then paint the land,
From the sea I take the blue,
Paint it crystal,you can see right through,
Take the blue and paint the breeze,
Rain-bow for flowers,orange for trees,
Erase the brown from the earth,
Wave my brush,clean cloths,white dirt,
Painted all disasters, brightest red,
Better satellite imagery trying to minimize the dead,
Tone down Mr Sun,a lighter shade of yellow,
Soothing his anger,now he's a jolly fellow,
Pink glows,north,east,south or west,
Lovers staring at the moon,feel the gentleness,
My paint,my brush,my colours sway,
Painting this world,each and every day...


Details | Monorhyme | |

A Secret Funny Tale

This is going to be a secret funny tale not told before,but now I must tell some soupers are sending me sweet soupmails as if they are in a journey with me in love rail or taking me to a love island on a sail and they are doing it constantly without fail of course they are not male but female till now they are thinking that I'm a male I think it is my name that leaves a manly trail though never did I mention that I am a male enough is enough and now I am going to unveil who those soupers are to turn their faces pale. ** Do not forget to read what Andrea Dietrich wrote in her poem "A Soup Tragedy" in reply to this poem. =====================================


Details | Rhyme | |

Loose me ASAP

Gardening in a dress
Figured it would be nice and breezy
A red wasp had his way with my back side easy

One little wasp caused alot of mess
Ten stings/bites caused me alot of ouchy
Then itching beyond control of sensitivity


Details | Rhyme | |

A World of Laughs

Look around,embrace life,smile,
Even if it's only once in a while,
Gods' world,acres of entertainment,
Learn to laugh,enjoy your environment,
Umbrellas out,the birds are soaring,
Two parrots pecking,so adoring,
The king of water,angry river roaring,
Water racing each other,raindrops pouring,
Snake shaking his rattler,rumba girls luring,
Woodpecker sharing knock,knock jokes,ohh so boring,
Visa-card in his poach,kangaroo touring,
Owl seeking more wisdom,bird brain storing,
More hay over here,horses neighing,
Green,green pastures,the donkeys are braying,
Twenty four-sevens,happy hens are laying,
Do you catch the drift,of what I'm saying,
Now open your eyes,see what I'm talking about,
Hope it put a smile on your face,
Or pulled a laugh from your mouth....


Details | Couplet | |

A Lullaby Poem for PD

(sing to tune of Hush Little Baby)

Hush, little PD, don't say a word.
Nathan's gonna buy you a mocking bird.

If that bird makes fun of you....
that's what that bird is supposed to do!

Take that bird and trade it in.
Buy yourself a coat made of leopard skin.

Take great care to not go out
anywhere that PETA might be about.

You could get hit in the head.
PETA activists can sure see red.

If a new coat you don't need,
how about a new cat, Persian breed?

If that cat sheds too much hair,
have Nathan take you out to a fair.

Fairs are fun. You can't go wrong.
Are you fast asleep yet from this dumb song?

If you're not, I have to say....
your insomnia is here to STAY.

Written by Andrea on Oct. 22, 2012
For Send me to sleep....... Poetry Contest
Happy ZZZZZZZZs to you, PD


Details | Limerick | |

A Clean Hacienda

There once was a woman named Linda

Who would keep a clean hacienda

     Till four children she bore

     And then bore she one more...

She now has a different agenda!




                            Timothy I. Brumley


Details | Cinquain | |

My Bed's Just Here For The Cat

Fatcat,
Hairy nuisance
Sprawling over bedsheets
Crowding limited sleepspace with
Blubber.


Details | Narrative | |

Ewmer Fudd the Easter Gwinch and Dis WEALLY Buggs Me -

Pweeze wet me expwain, officer - 
I taught it was dat wascally wabbit agin...
buwwowing under my ewectric fence,
eating up my cawwots. wettece, my bwoccoli
and-and...even my woot-a-beggers!
He's a weal pest...constantwee hawassing me,
destwoying, wandom wooting, wuining my cwop...
din waughing at me! (Dere outta be a waw)

Wha...awwest me?...Dis is an outwage!
I am a waw-abiding citizen!...Wead me my wights!
I demand pwoper mis-wepwesentation!
I am going diwectly to your superwior office, pwivate!
Bewieve it my fwiend, you will wive to wegwet this...
Ow! Must you be so fweekin WUFF?...Dat hoits!
I have woomatism you know! Powice bwutality! Po...
Aw scwew it...Wes! Wes! I moidered da widdle bum!

(Wunning awound dwessed wike dat
distwibuting doze siwwie cowoured eggs
Embawassing widdle cweature...
It's a downwight disgwace I tell you)

2/26/2013



Details | Senryu | |

Jokers Lament

eyes of deepest blue
lips sweet as maple syrup...
his dog loves him too


Details | Rhyme | |

Baby Power

Babies these days are moving hard,
Brains loaded like a memory card,
Jamaican babies or the ones abroad,
Can't let them out of your sight,head-ache,Dear Lord,
Careful what you do,think they didn't catch it,
Start watching them or you are gonna live to regret it,
Children Hospital is full,I can bet it,
Long,long lines,baby mother has to sweat it,
Jump down the stairs,try pulling the plug,
Pull down the iron-board,reaching for the hot mug,
Search your dirty sneakers and mess up the rug,
And if you ever hit them,they start to carry a grudge,
Don't feed me,I want to feed myself,
I can hold the spoon,don't need your help,
One year old,big woman,big man,
And from they start to walk,push away your hand,
Want to do their own thing,like they set the plans,
Worst if down by the kinder garden,they have their own gang,
'Waa waa,gugu gaga boo boo',baby talking to a next baby,
Translated by Google,'just cry,they were made to serve us',
So we will always be on stand-by,for our little baby genius...


Details | Rhyme | |

Blowing A Kiss To You

I just blew a kiss on a cool summer breeze Comming from Wisconsin, it's going to taste like cheese It's for a dear friend who lives quite far away So I'm hoping she will recieve it, within the next day I also hope she doesn't mind the flavor of this kiss But if she loves cheese like me, the taste will be bliss Floating through the air past all the factories of cheese The dreamy taste of this kiss, will be sure to please Though I must warn her not to eat with that blissful kiss on her lips For all food will taste delightful, which may add a little weight to her hips
8-8-12 To:Vie


Details | Limerick | |

A Scolding from My Muse

For Miranda Lambert’s “Inspired” contest
By Carolyn Devonshire


I wanted to write for this contest;
But my muse was staging a protest.
     “Take me to the sea,” it pled,
     “In this house, I languish, dead;
Put me in touch with nature, a forest.”

“Don’t stare at a screen, confined by walls;
Locked inside, my inspiration falls.
     Surely there’s a babbling brook
     Or a valley’s overlook.
Give me something to work with,” muse calls.

“If you fail to respond, I’ll attack
As you’re sleeping in a room black.
     Thoughts you will never recall
     Cannot upon your page fall;
Without me you’re nothing but a hack!”


Details | Rhyme | |

Roses For PD

A journey southbound
There lives a Queen,not yet crowned
Knock on the door to her poetry Kingdom
Her servant leads me into this paradise of wisdom

This is where she rules
A warm and cozy place with dim lights
I ask with a voice of a fool`s:
"Will You except these roses,me dear Queen..?!?"
"..coz you are the nicest,wisest and best looking Queen I`ve ever seen! "

So here they are,my bouquet of red roses
She is pounded these days,red rose overdoses
My intuition tells me she likes it though
She is ready to be taken over to the Castle of Bordoux



A.Ertsland
February 12th 2012

* repost of the poem "Roses For PD" Hope you enjoy it:)


Details | Couplet | |

Loony Tunes

<                                        Cascading lakes and streams
                                           The loon stands out it seems

                                           Minnesota's state bird
                                           I know it must sound absurd


                                           Adopted in nineteen sixty one
                                           Wails and yodels heard under the sun


                                          Black and white bearing red eyes
                                          Wingspans five feet can make one cry


                                          Body lengths up to three feet
                                          Yet  clumsy on lands and moss peat


                                          They are high speed flyers
                                          And great underwater divers


                                          They can dive up to ninety feet
                                          In pursuit of fish they want to eat

                                      
                                         They are even on our license plates
                                         An critical habitat drawn on metal slates


                                         Twelve thousand of these unique birds
                                         God that has to be a lot of turds

 
                                        But for now I'll enjoy it's captured views
                                        Of this beautiful loon and it's most colorful hues








Written By Katherine Stella
Entry For Mini - Blog  Beautiful Bird Contest
By Constance ~ A Rambling Poet


Details | Limerick | |

Red Moon

She laid on the sand in Cancun
On the nudist beach at high noon
   In the evening she strips
   To observe the eclipse
And outshine the other red moon


Details | Limerick | |

Crumb on my Pie Chart

Abusive soul who tormented my heart
I didn’t wait for us to drift apart
     I found inner strength at last
     So don’t look at me aghast
You’re merely a crumb on my heart’s pie chart

A defumigator removed your scent
Into the trash all your hunting boots went
     And those ghastly deer “trophies”
     Ablaze with your spoiled green cheese
Your firearms too in the bonfire were sent

Valentine, let me give it to you straight
Goodwill came by for the very last crate
     Maker’s Mark* for the homeless
     Now that’s ironic justice
Hope your new home in the tent is just great

You wrecked my car and destroyed my credit
So you got off easy from where I sit
     Not that you had much to lose
     Just hair, weight, someone to use
Cupid aims, may your hemorrhoids get hit!



*Maker’s Mark is expensive whiskey
Entry for Sidney~Lee Ann’s valentine to an ex-lover contest
Written January 17, 2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Modern Life

Modern Life
We are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Except Monday mornings and Sunday nights.
What are they on about, at this place that I seek
That is supposed open 24/7 days a week.

The pub is open we have an unlimited license,
Let’s have a drink before we go to bed!
I’m sorry we are closed the doors shut at eleven
That’s what the snooty landlord then said.

The helpline is here no matter when 
Give us a call and we can help you then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, the phone rings on
A tape recording says, “Sorry everyone has gone.”

My car has broken down the man came to fix it
“It doesn’t work” he said sratching his head.
“There a computer on board and I will need to record
All the things that are broken down” he said.

But I need my car; I looked at him hard, 
And he gave me a wizened up frown.
He plugged himself in, then said with a grin.
The computer says it’s fine, the engine is strong.

But the car doesn’t work you toothless little jerk, 
The computer plugged in must be wrong.
“How can it be wrong it says the engine is strong?” he gave me a shifty look
“To be honest missus if it ain’t on the pute, perhaps the answers in a book."

He could find nothing wrong, the onboard computer gave a bong,
But it still said all was okay.
The tow-truck they called out with its ramp and its chains
Now they have taken my poor car away.

Modern life is so frustrating; we have everything at our fingertips
There is 24/7 that does not mean that, and fury does exit my lips.
If its 24/7 and help lines constantly, a car that is run by computer.
Why doesn’t anything work, I feel like the jerk, can somebody lend me a shooter.

I want to blast and to break all technology of late
It’s driving me to drink and distraction
The open all hours pubs are now closed, 
And my car is still out of action.

The bank is closed, the computers just died, 
The telephones gone on the blink
The TV HD, it is fuzzy like me;
I think I’m going to put my head in the sink.

The oven would be better, but its electric not gas
So I don’t think it would work as well
I want to end it all, not practice for the day,
The Grim-Reaper points at me, and sends me to hell.

Therefore, I’ll fill up the sink and put my head in the drink, 
Oh, blast, who is that at the door?
It’s the water board here, we are just making it clear,your water is off for a week.
Typical, I have no car and it is too far
To walk out and jump in the creek.



Details | Rhyme | |

Snore No More

    ~~~~  Snore !! No More !! ~~~~

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She glared at his sleeping back
wanting to push him out of bed.

She covered her ears with a pillow
trying to block out the sound.
An evil thought ran though her head,
"There were no witnesses around".

She crept out to the kitchen
She could have stomped ... he wouldn't hear.
With the largest butcher knife
she returned to her husband dear..


Right between his shoulder blades,
one thrust ... he snored no more.
She gathered the blankets around him
to keep the blood off the white shag floor.


Then the snoring started again.
She let out a startled scream
and sat bolt upright in her bed.
It had all been just a dream.

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She stared at his sleeping back
and wanted to punch him in the head.


10/07/2012











Details | Rhyme | |

The Devil Went Down to Washington

The devil went down to Washington to see what he would see
Ah yes he said everything looks real good to me
Everything is sliding down as I have planned it
That phrase “under God”: they have all but banned it.
 
This is sweeter than in the days of Adam and Eve,
Appeal to their almighty pride and they’ll believe,
any old thing I wish them to perceive,
or ridiculous philosophy I may conceive.

“I” the great perpendicular pronoun,
they all love that delightful sound!
By using their pride I can steer them.
forcing the meek to fear them. 

Those prime time commercials were my special inspiration,
The ones that reinforce their economic and ego inflation,
with the phrase “I buy this product because, “I’m Worth it!”
Or my favorite humility killer, “because I Deserve it!”

It’s so funny! They all think they do!
They stick to their mirrors like glue
While sliding in their own poo!
My what a little vanity can do!

Makes me feel like singing!
As my dark angels are winging

“Glory, glory well for me-ee
Glory, glory hell to thee-ee
Glory, glory hell to we-ee
I’ll have more compan-eeeeee!









Details | Lyric | |

Oh Uhura - To Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

There was a Starship Enterprise,
It was the ruler of the skies,
But you don't really care for sci-fi, do you?
With Captain Kirk
And Mr Spock
And don’t forget the trademark jock,
And there upon the bridge you’ll find Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura 
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

You’ll find Bones Macoy down in sickbay,
“I’m a doctor Jim” he’d say,
And cure whatever space bug ran through you,
He’ll banish away every cough,
Even if your name’s Chekov,
Or perhaps you might be sweet Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

To make the starship up and go,
The man you really need to know,
Is the Helm officer called Sulu,
But if it’s a message you’d like to send,
Then of course you can depend,
Upon the talented Miss Uhura,

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

Your voyage lasted three short years
But despite the trekkie’s fears,
It wouldn’t be the last time that we’d view you,
Of feature films there’d be twelve,
Before the franchise they would shelve,
But we won’t forget you dear Uhura

Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura
Oh Uhura, Oh Uhura

Oh Uhura


Details | Narrative | |

Reporting Live across the World

Reporting live on the soup, with Americas MOST. WANTED. POETS.
 Standing here with our host John, 
With an exclusive update on criminal poets, captured and on the run.
Switching over to you John,. "Thank you P.D., lets give thanks to all the 
P.M.W. tipsters, and our lovely F.B.I. agent Andrea Dietrich (Andy) & U.S. 
Marshal Shirley Harrison (S.H.)

Capturing 1 infamous fugitive Nikko Palmario, a comment crusader going contest crazy. 
Christopher Brantley, still at large U.S. Marshall (S.H.) says, "This brilliant fugitive leaves no 
trace." A dangerous poet posting comments longer than his poetry. Leaving a distinction of 
excellence in any short form.  P.M.W.tipsters Demand to be brought down to poetic justice.
P.M.W. Tip, led Marshall (S.H.) to the most notorious blond bombshell on the soup.
Captured on her vacation Linda Marie Bariana, lost control of her blond moment.
Paralyzing her laptop with sand. Covering to other crimes with to much poetry rhyme.
Her # 1 crime, entering a dark poet contest, to bad for this SWEET HEART who shines.         
Wanted in all nations Lynette Chachere a realistic poetic criminal against reality & dreams.
F.B.I.(Andy) Says"Our sweet Lynn, carries a weapons against all Enigma wonders."
A shameful crime to bring down a poets spirit with an intervene of her intense poetry.
F.B.I. Most wanted poetic lunatics, Billy the Kidster, with a Mental Poet Disorder.
A maniac on the rampage, a poet who lost it, with a crime slamming himself.
F.B.I. Most wanted viscous fugitive Christopher D. Aechtner, alias Vomiticus Grammaticus.
This former Canadian elusive bad boy, topping the hot list, a harmless poetic threat. 
Dakarai Cobbs, a 30 year old soups spot robbing thug. F.B.I.(Andy) Says "We offer 1 million
For the capture of this accused space invader aka the Sonnet man.
A poetic gang banger posting out of control, with a drive by of 130 hits in less than a month
Nathan Dilts, at large with the biggest search in poet history. 
A terrorizing poet implanting each poet with frightening thoughts and images so twisted.         
Making his followers absorb his evil poetic plots, while connecting center of dots.
F.B.I.(Andy) Says he is a mastermind with explosive & twisted thoughts.
Marshall (S.H.)Says "there is nothing we won't do to take his Poet License away.
  ((sorry no room for the Poet Destroyer))
Back to you P.D. "thank you John, there you have it soupers a few top criminal poets."
Reporting live on the soup P.D., all across the world enjoying our poetry security


Details | Rhyme | |

Pun Fun

I had an IPod problem!
I fixed it, this is how!
I named the thing "Titanic",
by God, it's "syncing" now!

I was wondering where the sun goes?
I stayed up all night to see!
Sure enough, next morning,
it finally "dawned" on me!

I'm an avid reader.
I read anything around.
I read an "anti-gravity" book,
and I couldn't put it "down"!

I know some real bad food jokes,
but let me tell you first!
The one about German sausage,
brother, that's the "wurst"!

There are several types of illness,
that leave you sore and weak!
But, when your bladder is infected,
"urine" trouble, so to speak!

I was sorta down and out!
Times were hard, you know?
So, I got a job in a bakery,
because I "kneaded" dough!


NOTE; I apologize if you wasted your
time reading this!  I need to get
a life!  Sorry folks. 




Details | Limerick | |

Divorce and Remorse

Two hearts became one

Now they follow different paths –
 
   Divorce with remorse



He complained constantly of my cooking

Café reservations always booking

   Said I drove him insane

   But boy did he complain

When I left for someone better looking



The complaining has stopped, but the house is so quiet

So I pick up the phone, invite him for a riot



Haiku, limerick and couplet for the Divorce Club contest


Details | Ballad | |

DEAR, OH DEER!

For better or for worse they'd pledged 
upon  their wedding day, 
but all the so called better bits 
had somehow gone astray. 
 
Poor Blue and Joan had lost the zing 
that matrimony brings, 
so both sought out a counsellor 
and hoped he'd patch up things. 
 
"I sense you do not spend much time," 
the counsellor advised, 
"on doing the together things 
you both once highly prized. 
 
"The best advice that I can give 
is, spend less time apart. 
Go find a common interest 
and that will be a start." 
 
While driving home Joan said to Blue, 
"I know what we can do. 
Next week when you go hunting dear 
I'll come along with you." 
 
"But Joan you've never seen a deer 
or ever used a gun, 
but still if that is what you want 
I guess it could be fun." 
 
The next weekend they set on out 
and Blue advised his Joan  
to watch for hunters who may claim  
a deer that's not their own. 

With Joan concealed and out of sight 
Blue showed a lot of nous 
and circled 'round to chase a deer 
towards his waiting spouse. 
 
Then suddenly he heard a ... BANG! 
That made his poor ears ring 
and as he worked towards his wife 
he heard Joan arguing.  
 
Blue saw as he peered through the trees 
his Joan and some poor dude, 
both locked into a verbal war;  
a ding dong all out feud. 
 
The bloke then cried "Okay!  Okay! 
You keep the flamin' beast, 
but may I have the saddle though? 
Please grant me that at least?" 



Details | Limerick | |

December 21, 2012

The world as we know it will end!
This warning the Mayans did send
But yes there's still time
After reading this rhyme
To honor Black Friday and spend


Details | Haiku | |

---still water

still water--
through the bare gray wood
dappled light falls

a squirrel 
runs up the old tree--
acorns plop


Details | Rhyme | |

When Sheep Collide

'Tis strange where we should get the notion
That poetry expressed in motion
Should within the human form reside.
When nature gives us many chances
Unpractised and ephemeral dances
Like in a muddy field when sheep collide

Truth is, that nature's not so humble
And doesn't mind the dancer's stumble
There's nothing that it ever seeks to hide
Uncaring it leaves all revealed
And is not shamed if one small field
Has crazy sheep and one long muddy slide

They're mad, they're bad, they're having fun
Those naughty sheep and every one
Is doing what convention has denied
The hillside's muddy, wet and slick
With crazy sheepies sliding quick
Down to the bottom, down where sheep collide.

Many count good nature's fare
The birdsong and the country air
Among the wonders of the countryside
But strange delight can yet be found
In woolly bodies sliding round
A simple muddy field where sheep collide.

While nature guides celestial spheres
In cosmic dances, it appears,
With majesty the earthborn are denied
Down far beneath in mud and grass
A sheep slides on its woolly a***:
A sense of fun, though not a sense of pride.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Glutton

This's the world of dreams  and 
reveries
Where I think ev'ry that reels,
After a thousands times,
would as same beliefs things 
besought me,
Is it a mere dream? 


Details | Monorhyme | |

Sexy Nun

Sister, sister sitting there so sweet
Looking so virtuous, acting discreet.
Any male would eagerly bow at your feet
You have no idea of your allure, you're without conceit
Are you offering up a trick or a treat?
Only then will this Halloween finally be complete
Ready your answers to God when you do meet
For nuns of your stature are becoming obsolete!


For my girlfriend who dressed up as a sexy nun.


Details | Quatrain | |

My Sister Is An Alien!

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

Her mind control crying
Gets her anything she wants
I say "That's not fair!"
But she just looks at me and taunts

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

It's just a disguise
I'm on to her
Is she scaly
Or covered in fur

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!

She's spying on us
They 're ready to invade
So don't just be frightened
Be very afraid!

My sister is strange
There's no doubt about it
She's an Alien,  that's why
Just get up and shout it!


She knows I'm on to her
She's calling for friends
So run for your life
And hide till it ends


Details | Couplet | |

I Approve This Message

"Vote for me! My opponent is a liar and a thief! I will make a change and rectify all!
I will raise your standard of living, lower your taxes and we'll all have a ball!"

(Please read the disclaimer, 
For this potential hall of famer)

Warning: electing this braggadocio person,
May cause the status quo to worsen.

Any claims made on this campaign tour,
Are not intended as a political  cure.

Electing this person may cause temporary blindness,
Nervous stomach, diarrhea and a lack of kindness.

But people, pay no attention to this disclaimer note.,
Put your blinders on !! Get out there and vote! 



     -paid for by elect a slanderer for office committee:


Details | Quatrain | |

Laughter The Best Medicine

Forty years of married life, the couple set out to celebrate
Fine dining beautiful wine, and a waltz with stumbling gait
Turning to her husband she demands for him to remember details
Quickly he answers, “Yes darling, your beautiful dress, my hat and tails.”

He walked beside her hand in hand she notices a tear drop that falls
Thinking he’s sentimental she demands to know what he does recall
Sighing wistfully looking at the stars he tells her, it was before they did wed
Your father had a shotgun, he said if I didn’t turn up I'd wish I was dead.

“Why do you remember that, is there nothing more romantic you can say?”
The virago of a wife demands more memories of the wedding day…
The husband sighs “He said he would send me to jail for forty years at the very least“ 
I just had a thought, if I hadn’t married you, tomorrow would be my day of release……


© 28/11/2012~GG~ 

Entry for Laughter The Best Medicine sponsored by Vie


Details | Rhyme | |

Ahoy There - Out Of My Way

'Twas a dark and stormy night on that dark and stormy night!
HMS Blunderbuss plied the billowing seas just off the Isle of Wight!
Able Seaman Steer manned the helm when dead ahead he saw the light!
He woke the snoozing Officer of the Deck to apprise him of their plight!

Captain Ironbottom (who happened to be in the 'head') was duly alerted!
He dashed to the bridge in his drawers to ensure that disaster was averted!
"By jove!" he cried, "Her Majesty's ships turn aside for no one, I say!"
He grabbed the radio, "Ahoy there! Turn east 15 degrees! Out of my way!"

From out of the ozone a voice retorted, "Suggest you turn west 15 degrees!
I'll not change course for anyone, so heed my warning if you please!"
"This is Captain Ironbottom of the HMS Blunderbuss!" he thundered back!
"I know the rules of the road! Turn now or I'll see you hung from the rack!"

Able Seaman Steers' eyes grew as large as saucers knowing not what to do!
Communication between the captain and the mysterious light was turning blue!
As the distance narrowed between them, neither would give a nautical mile!
The white-knuckled Officer of the Deck was turning pale with a sickly smile!

"This is Captain Ironbottom again!  Are you challenging Her Majesty's might?"
"Yes sir" was the reply, "You see, this is the light house on the Isle of Wight!"
Today the mighty HMS Blunderbuss rusts upon the Isle of Wight's rocky shoal.
Captain Ironbottom faded into oblivion due to the folly of his last patrol!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Poet Destroyer's "My Funniest Poem On The Soup" Contest
June 2011


Details | Quatrain | |

A Zulu Warrior

Do you sometimes see a Zulu Warrior Staring back from the mirror in the morning! A nasty fierce looking bad tempered dude Obscenities flying out without warning Crabbing bout having to make a living But enjoying all the many accoutrements If it wasn't that, it'd be something else People just love to complain and vent A shower and shave, you're almost human Not one person will ever suspect That a member of the Zulu Warriors tribe Was a coworker of great respect Do you sometimes see a Zulu Warrior Staring back from the mirror in the morning! © Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Light Poetry | |

Retired Romance 1st of sequence- " IKE " and Jane "

...Now I ain't without notoriety,
Fact is.. I'm an old stalker with a walker.
She was big in the Purple Hat Society
and broke her hip,...while playing soccer.

When I met her, she was on the mend,
and she knew.. what I was after...
and I said I'd catch her when I can,
She said to push that walker a lil' faster.

She had her a "lectric wheel chair,
I just had my old walker and me,
she was pretty fast for a blue hair...
"till I crashed into her I.V. tree...

Well, they fitted my leg with plaster,
and I kinda forgot what I was after...
"till one day,
she wheeled in to see me,
Yep.  Said she'd come ta free me!

Now we sit together,
cozy up and talk about the weather.
We compare wrinkled tatoos,
and guess what they are,
we may share a shot of booze,
we don't go too awful far...

We keep our orthepedic shoes
under the same bed,
and I retired as a walker stalker,
meals on wheels keeps us fed
and we keep our teeth...
in the very same locker.

("Nite Nite, Darlin.")


                                            Composed and Written by-
                                                   Robert A. Dufresne


Details | Free verse | |

If I Were a Girl

If I had been born a girl
I wonder what would rock my world
I really have to stop and think
I guess I’d have to start liking pink

One thing I know that would be really great
I know I’d never make a single mistake

I could change my mind all of the time
Oh wait a minute … no I wouldn’t
Well yeah, I guess I would
Or not
Maybe
Yeah, I would change my mind all the time
Naw, that wouldn’t be fair to my guy
Ahh – who cares … surely not I

I suppose I would have to get used to carrying a purse
Of course, there are other things to get used to a whole lot worse

I wouldn’t have to shave my face …
But I would have to shave almost every other place

If I were to be a girl
I don’t think I would be one of those liberated kind
Treat me like a delicate flower
I really would not even mind

I guess I couldn’t burp and fart in public
That would really cramp my style
And I know I couldn’t walk in high heels
Not even for one tenth of a mile

And one thing I know for sure,
I would be the ugliest girl under the sky …
No – I think I’ll just scratch and spit
And thank God I was born a guy


Details | Rhyme | |

Archie Bunker Opines Upon The Demise Of Twinkies

"Edith!  Edith!   I didn't find a Twinkie in my lunch bucket today!
What happened, Dingbat?   Why do you torture me this way?"
"But Archie, ain't you seen on TV they ain't makin' 'em anymore?
The company is foldin' up and they ain't stockin' 'em at the store!"

"I blame you fer this disaster, Meathead, you and yer pinko friends!
The greedy union reached too far killin' jobs on which people depends!
Yer democrat gov'mint stimulated my tax dollars fer ever' thing in sight!
Instead of blowin' money on green inergy, I'd like some to solve my plight!"

"But, Daddy" - poking his gut - "fast food like Twinkies isn't good for you!"
"Let me tell you somethin', little girl!  That may be yer lib'ral point of view!
My life ain't never gonna be the same agin without Twinkies fer a snack!
Them things is as American as yer mother's punkin' pie and I want 'em back!"

"I fought for the flag, baseball, Coca Cola and Twinkies in Dubya Dubya Two!
I slogged through the mud in Italy and was shot in a very fragile area too!
Now, I feel that it was all in vain to pertect all them things I hold dear!
No Twinkies for my lunch?  Stifle yerselfs!  I'm goin' to Kelsey's fer a beer!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Going Green Again

No, I can’t believe it happened again!
Surely folks think I stand out like Big Ben
     The Jolly Old Green Giant
     Snarls at me, so defiant
Green hair – and I’m not a comedian

It first occurred just before I was wed
Dyed my blonde hair brown; it turned green instead
     Now the chlorine in the pool
     Made me look like quite a fool
And I’ve no option but to shave my head


Details | Rhyme | |

Driving My Kids Crazy

Driving my kids crazy
Every day and night
Because my mind is hazy
Nothing comes out right

Still, I keep on teaching
The foggy lessons in my head
At the end of all my preaching
There's but one thing said

"I know what you are saying...
You said that yesterday."
In their heads their praying
I will go away

Still, they do consult me
When they are truly stuck
But, if I get to wordy
They'll be out of luck

The message will start hazing
From their doe-eyed sight
This act starts with a glazing
Of eyes and face and light

I see their minds have left me
They are waiting out their time
And if, they ignore me
It is a small crime

I know my kids all love me
And I feel just the same
Still I hope they'd all agree
In this there's no blame

And so I may keep yapping
Each and every day
But If disaster's tapping
I'll be on the way

I just want to guide my kids
Not drive them away
As I watch them roll those lids
I see the end of day

Okay, I'll be quiet now
No more torture, pain, or strife
And if, you'll just show me how
I'll go e-mail my wife


Details | Light Poetry | |

Mountain Lake Inspiration

Mountain Lake is my favorite place to write
under shade tree are my pencil, paper, and pole.
Scribble down words while waiting for a bite
fishing my most popular angling hole.

Fish are jumping all around hook and line
small cork sits still and does not move or fade.
Patiently I sit in wait for that fish to dine
beneath weeping willow of cool tree shade.

Inspiration overwhelms biding snare
while creative mind laggardly transcends.
In far distance I see lone grizzly bear
and leave a good fishing pole to his friends.

Copyright © 2011 By Caryl S. Muzzey

Fourth Place Winner ~ "Inspired” Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Miranda Lambert
July 20, 2011


Details | Limerick | |

Truth

There once was a man from Duluth
who grew very long in the tooth
he lost all his hair
but he still had a pair
that randy old man from Duluth


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Optimistic Pessimists Resolutions

Get in shape, lose some weight. Every year it’s always the same. Read a book, stay home and cook, And I only have myself to blame. Till some land, lend a hand. You’d think that I’d be smart enough, Cards to send to a sick friend, To ignore this self-improvement stuff. Get more sleep, don’t sell cheap. But it is an annual institution, Take a class, use less gas. To make a New Year’s resolution. Eat less meat, be more discrete, Why must they always be so hard? Be more caring, try more sharing, This time of year puts me on my guard. Be more polite, sleep at night, I wish for an easy way I will confess. Work hard all day, don’t over stay, To keep the resolutions that I express. Only say what you mean today, What if I only made an easy pick? Do your best to skew the test, Then my word would surely stick. Eat more snacks, take more naps, I’ll confuse my karma and trick it. Watch TV, look out for me, This might be just the ticket. Stay up late while cheating fate, This is a New Year’s revolution, I’ll make my list then I’ll insist, That I keep this year’s resolution. And when it’s time to stay in line, But my promises I fail to keep. I’ll not hide as I backslide, As the benefits I will reap. I’ll be complete whenever I cheat, And by default I’ll do what I should. It won’t make me sad when I do bad, Because my failing will only do me good.


Details | Couplet | |

My New Year's Resolutions



In late December I'm snuggled here in bed
Resolution making whirling in my head

There are those pounds I wouldn't miss
But if I don't lose them I'll just be pissed

To study French would be cool I'll bet
Heck, I haven't even mastered English yet

I really vow to spend much less on shoes
Scratch that..make it - much less on booze

I really need to spend more time with friends
Naw, to many with whom I must make amends

Forget it-I think I'll just go back to sleep
And just use last years list I didn't keep


For Carolyn's Resolutions contest.


Details | Rhyme | |

I Have To Tell

What's happened recently I have to tell. (Hiccup)
Wish I could muddle through without a screw-up.
It starts out at a comic show. (Hiccup)
The stand-up doing jokes was such a crack-up 
my laughter turned to choking then,  (Hiccup)
and from my nose there squirted diet 7-up.
Embarrassed by all this, I got up and (Hic!)
excused myself to the lady's room and quick.

I tried to drink some water and to (Hic!)
apply another coat of Rose glow lipstick.
When I returned, I heard stuff that was (Hiccup)
not for kids and hardly for the ears of any grown-up.
I guess I got back just in time for (Hic!)
that crazy guy's most hilarious shtick.
Laughing violently, I felt (Hiccup)
I once again was gonna have a flare-up.

But why I just kept choking I don't (Hic!)
know, but this time I was feeling rather sick.
That's when I first started doing (Hic!)
this.  Wish I'd gone instead to see some flick.
This all happened thirty days a (Hic!)
go.  I think I've now tried almost every trick-
from breathing into bags to even (hiccup)
drinking from the wrong side of a teacup.

I'm tired of my husband trying to (hiccup)
scare me into stopping, so I'll sum up.
A guy like me was on Jay Leno's (Hic!)
Show. Hey!  I could be the famous hiccup chick!
And yet, of all the things I could be known (Hic!)
for, this has to be the last one I would pick!

Written 3/18/14 for The Tickle My Funny Bone contest


Details | Sonnet | |

First crossed by a gyspy, now by a dang witch

“Close the book, ring the bell, light the candle.”
The witch’s words resounded in my ears.
My problems now were more than I could handle
and so I hoped she’d vanquish all my fears.

She stared at me across the darkened room
and then commanded me that I must stay
until my wish was granted. Then a broom
she grabbed, and out the door she flew away!

The magic lay in me, the hag had said.
I only had to wish with all my might.
But with my kind of luck, I might be dead
before I’d get what I had wished that night.

I sit here still; she’s left me with a curse!
No health care yet, and now my back is worse!

(sorry to belabor this, but now you see what preoccupies
my mind these days!! Linda's contests always seem
to bring out this topic for me lately. The gypsy referred to
in my title was in my last poem I did for Linda!)

By Andrea Dietrich for Linda-Marie's
"BELL, BOOK AND CANDLE" Poetry Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Go Away, Go Away, Go Away

(Sing to tune of Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow)

Oh, the weather outside is crappy, 
and they say I should be happy,
But to all this snow I say, 
"Go away, go away, go away."

Some weirdos think snow is "gnarly," 
But roads are slick and snarly,
And MORE snow's on the way, 
"Go away, go away, go away."

When I woke up at 6 a.m., 
fast to my window I ran.
But the earth was a blinding white. 
My car wouldn't start.  What a fright!

When finally I got started, 
and to the roads I darted,
I was sliding as I prayed,
 "Go away, go away, go away."


Details | Rhyme | |

Did I Get Ya

What can I do to really make you SMILE? Maybe take off all my clothes,and dance around for awhile? Nudity is nature,but I don't believe it is for me With my privates hanging out,in the air flowing free Perhaps sing a beautiful tune,in a squeaky childish voice? It may sound kinda cute,but the melody won't be of everyones choice Or maybe write a beautiful poem,and whisper it to you But men wouldn't take it to fondly,so thats something I shouldn't do What if I left a comment on your poetry,letting you know your words got through? That probably wouldn't work either,because thats something I already do How about if I just yell "Hey you there,missy or chump!" Enjoy these last few words,while I now go take a dump Did I Get Ya? :o)~ Ha,ha SMILE! Dan Kearley:4-20-12


Details | Limerick | |

Woosh vs Zroooom--a limerick joke

A vacuum cleaner should glide
And relief from messes provide
It is quite unlike
Harley Davidson's bike
Since the dirtbag's on the inside



Author's note: Someone told me this vapid joke at work today, so I framed it as above--enjoy!


Details | Rhyme | |

Never Dream Within a Dream

-honestly...I have no clue why...- As I began to rest in my fickle dream Suddenly I was stirred from my sleep I was greeted by many a whisker And petulant snores from my sister The cat mewed ferociously and purred For there on the other side of the window—was a bird! It chirped like a wobbly siren—the ass! And I swear by my bosom it was pecking the glass Suddenly, I sprang up in alarm I swear my bosom was gone! The cat then motioned at the feathered brat For her bright breasts seemed extra fat Of course it wouldn’t have been that But I couldn’t just blame the cat! I opened the window only a crack And asked very kindly, “May I have my breasts back?” Such pride she attained from my bosom Yet why? –how would she use ‘em!? The mockingbird merely turned a goodbye But the stolen twins were too heavy to fly! She plopped to the ground and squawked I would have laughed, but I was shocked! The cat scratched at the window and with her eyes Said, “Prithee, take your breasts—she’s mine!” Before I could think I had fallen to the ground To a booming, most terrible sound! My eyes then opened to a cat on my head As the booming sound continued from my sister’s bed


Details | Haiku | |

a ku ku krazy day

a very loud noise
started ringing from my clock—
I fell out of bed

a bumped water glass
rolling across the hard floor—
I slipped on my head

a loud screaming sound
resonated through the house—
my face turned bright red

my husband woke up
hysterically laughing—
I was on the floor

I could not get up
without someone assisting—
ku ku krazy day

I went back to bed
wondering what day it was—
perhaps, tomorrow

Ó April 18, 2012
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen

Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest:  ????.....!!!!!.....Ku Ku Crazy......!!!!!.....???? 
Sponsor	Tracie ~*~ Indigo Dreamweaver




Details | Rhyme | |

A Knight of Passion

In days of old, 
ye knights were bold
And Dragons roamed the land
Sir Lancelot, he was a knight
And Fought with Sword in hand
White horse he rode 
With his lance
A shiny  suit of armour
Beware this knight, the story goes
He really is a charmer!
Now one fine day, he saw a lass
And whispered in her ear
A shock he got, when she revealed
I’m lady Guinevere
In love they fell
Before too long
Merlin cast a spell
While hunting out one afternoon
The king, black knight would tell
Black knight ‘s plan
Came alight
When Lancelot was banished
Shed a tear, did Guinevere 
When she learned he’d vanished.
Now this legend 
Hath been told
A morale doth contain
Keep your lance, tucked in your pants
And save yourself the pain!









Details | Rhyme | |

The Wisdom of Wine and Gin

My hair has receded and my belly grown fat
There’s hair growing in my ears and I don’t like that
My joints ache all the day and I have troubles with peeing
I’m tired all the time and have glasses for seeing
Gravity has taken over putting life in a downward spin
No wonder I enjoy drinking a little wine and gin


Details | Limerick | |

He Tickled Her Pink

There once was a raven haired Shrink
Who had orange Juice Tequilas to drink

While her scarlet souled Beau
Sucked her tinted red Toe

And she paled when he tickled her Pink.


Details | Limerick | |

The Gnalsmoob

An old codger who farted a lot - of good etiquette didn’t know squat. When I met him, his nose started running. He chose his new shirt to wipe off all the snot! Well, a nitpicker also was he, and I mean it quite literally. He was picking his zits as he also picked nits from hair, lice-infested and filthy. With no 'shilly-shallying', I backed away from that creepy old guy, and I nearly threw up being offered a cup of his coffee. On top was a fly! *Gnalsmoob, my poem's title, is a word new to me. (from Urban Dictionary): A gnalsmoob is anything, particularly a person or creature, that is completely and totally disgusting, repulsive or revolting. Also, Gnalsmoob is boomslang, a type of venomous snake, spelled backwards, perhaps because a gnalsmoob is so ugly its appearance stings your eyes like venom.


Details | Couplet | |

Soon

“Soon”, I said, knowing probably never;
“Maybe later, after it’s way better weather”.

“Stop bugging me - I said, soon,” are the words I repeated,
“After you give me the five minutes of peace that I’ve needed!”

Not one minute passes and they’re asking again,
“Ask one more time and it’s never, my friend!”

I should never have mentioned the possibility,
That all of the kids could someday go there with me.

“I don’t know how soon soon is – it might be today;
It could be in a month or a good year away.”

“But one thing is sure, it will never arrive,
If you keep on pestering - on that, please rely.”

“So think of something else that all of you can do
Instead of asking that stupid question every minute or two.”

“As soon as soon finally gets here I’ll let you all know
And no sooner than that will be the day that we go.”

“So that word you keep asking, which I will not repeat,
Won’t get soon here sooner – so the ask, please delete.”

They walked away sad, with a slink and a mope,
But without asking again – for an entire day, I can hope.

And as soon as they give up on it ever arriving -
Soon will arrive and there we’ll be driving.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Anniversary Card

I splashed out on this greetings card,
It cost me 50p,
I thought that you were worth it,
For putting up with me.


But yours, I know, will cost far more,
(Perhaps a quid or two), 
But that’s because I’m worth far more,
For putting up with you.


Details | Alliteration | |

Stink Thinking

Poem by: Mr. Ronald Watson
Sep. 13, 2012
My Poetry on PoetrySoup

Stinking Thinking

Stinking thinking/ it leads to drinking./
What moisten the soul without an inkling?/
Unto making a wild left turn /while the right signal light were blinking./
Within a mild mix of rice, hops, and barley,
Since/ it is too much laugher at a karaoke party./
How Elvis sounds like,/ a broken Bob Marley?/
Now it’s as if,/ inhibitions are lowed/
Frozen in time/ and slipping far out of control./
As intuitions of minds does loathe,/ as such weariness echoes for tomorrow./
Yet,/ a stinking breath that smells just as death/ and it's where all funky asses dwells./
Though/ all hung over /and unjustified to flinging heavy heads into that porcelain king,/ 
Even this is a sight for red sore eyed Kings!/ 
It is an aftermath of ravishing through them royal purple cloth bags./
So/ afraid to admit that shallowness slowly drags!/
When,a sense of clarity which will just admit it.
That stinking thinking is difficult to kick, but
One day at a time, it is the only way to shine, or get fixed.  

Thank youMy Poetry on PoetrySoup
God Bless.


Details | Limerick | |

Daylight Savings Crime

We gained an hour, that's fact.

Try to keep your emotions intact!

     I'm not sure how folks feel

     but it's not a big deal

So please don't overreact!


That extra hour is not a big thing.

No matter what excitement it might bring.

     Please don't be surprised,

     cause you must realise

that you'll lose it again in the Spring!


Yeah, an hour ain't really much time,

to write a good Limerick or Rhyme.

     The result, as you see,

     is a shame, shame on me

cause this Limerick is really a crime!








Details | Narrative | |

OMG Whatever

..............................................................................................................

Oh - Emm - Geeeee !!!

Who me??

OMG!...I'm gonna wig out, doing this poem!!
A ditz like me writing for a freakin’ contest, no less!!!??
You gotta be kiddin' me !!!    Holy fricassee!!

No Way. Jose' !! I'm such a space cadet....OMG !! I’m spazzing out!!
Well...geeze, then..... like,  I get this head rush...
I'm getting majorly stoked, ya know?..Like...maybe I’ll give it a shot?...

Still...ya know..., whaddif I, like, totally bombed it!!? OMG!!
I mean, like, ya know how all them other poets?...
Well....like they are so classic...like, ya know?...so awesomely rad!?
Like... say, they eyeball mine, and bustin’ up, they scream…
   "Gag me with a spoon?!! CHECK OUT THIS FREAKIN’ GROSS POEM!”

Well,what the hay,.... ..no biggie, guess it wouldn't such a bummer...
yeah......well, shoot, they can call me a loser......who gives a rip??

So, I figure, like ....Whatever, dude!!
Okay, now, I'm totally pumped,...ya know? 

Waddif it’s ends up freakin’ sweet?  Oh, Pleeeease!!!
Like a win, geeze that would be majorly...rad!!!
I KID YOU NOT!  OMG !!! I'm so SURE !!  YEAH RIGHT,….AS IF!!!!! 

Man, I’m so clueless …hmm.  how do I even start this freakin' essay?

so, like....here goes...okay? 

Ya' say they won't like it, huh??.. HUH ???  Ya' think??

Tell em to go take a chill pill!!


Duhhhh........!!!!?  WHATEVER!!




____________________________________________________
Just for fun!:  For the Slang Contest 
(and be sure....this isn't how I normally talk LOL !!)





..............................................................................................................


Details | Blank verse | |

A Bit Fractured

 
Upon attending “Her Requiem”, I felt a bit fractured and nearly insane
When a fantasy of golden haze, wearing a shiny “Halo of Grace”
Suggested it would be wise to take a “Journey to Spirit Mountain”
And maybe chase some butterflies in a “Transformed” state

Off I went, “Riding My Whims” into a glaring "Red Sun" morning
To my chagrin, “The Goddess of War” struts in with utterly no warning
Singing,-Girl you’re looking quite undone, it’s clear you're having no fun 
Those fractures in the brain are going to require some “Change”-

The goddess continued her speech; but to her surprise I rolled my eyes while
She sang, -We’ve been invited to imbibe with “The Castaway and the Scribe”-
Well, the party was wild, folks drank all night, we all did the “Jive in a Beehive”
I downed the “Zin”, as the “Lust” crept in to my shapely “Scarlett” dress, 
At the end of night I was seen hitching a ride to “Burn” my “Nemesis”


"It's All In The Titles" Contest by Adam Hapworth  08/19/2013


Details | Rhyme | |

His Nose

The nose he wears sits on his head
It's big and round and very red;
And in the dark it always glows
It must be awful to own that nose.
There's two dark holes filled with hair
With whatever else that's hidden there;
Each time I see with great surprise
That glow that sits between his eyes.
It shines as though when night meets day
There never could be another way;
I wonder too if he can tell
If red affects his sense of smell. 
Perhaps the problem is I think
He's had in time too much to drink;
I suggested then to paint it white
And he seemed to think this was alright.

For Frank Herrera's Zaniest Poetry Contest
Elizabeth Wesley


Details | Limerick | |

Trying something new

Trying something new , If you think you see something or someone you recognise .
It is purely coincidental.


I met a romantic queen
and made love to her in a dream 
Her mum said . Put him down 
Drive him out of town 
You've no idea where he's been . 

I have a friend named A.D.
I adore all of her poetry
Her writing puts me to shame
but when she mentions my name
I feel like she's flirting with me.

A beautiful lady named Nette 
Said she wouldn't be kissed for a bet 
but a gentleman I aint
If I kissed her she'd faint
and she'd be forever in my debt.

Our very good friend Tim
Swore a beautiful woman was stalking him
but since he's been missing 
He's discovered French kissing
Now our chances of finding him are slim.

I know a young lady named SKAT
When she makes love, She purrs like a cat
She is such a cute kitten 
I admit I am smitten
and I wouldn't mind hearing that.

We have a beautiful friend named F.J.
I asked what she knew about kissing one day
I could tell from her wink
She knows more than we think
and a lot more than she's willing to say.


LOL 
I'll work on it. 


Details | Grook | |

America's Idle Pastime

America's (Idle) Pastime From New York, Austin, and L.A., From Cleveland and Seattle, Ingloriously they screech or bray In an auditioning battle. And by the time we all feel sick, (the judges homicidal!), we get to know from whom we’ll pick our next great Singing Idol. For the "A GROOK FOR ALL OCCASIONS" Poetry Contest of Suzzette Crous (using topic one, annoying sound and also etc topic, on a TV show I actually love!)


Details | Limerick | |

Avoiding Amputation

I watched the sailfish spring from the sea

Had no wings, an enigma to me

     Why in flight did it embark?
     
     Pursuit by a great white shark

Its sail would soon be an amputee






Details | Rhyme | |

My Least Favorite Things

 To the tune of.. “These are a Few of my Favorite Things“.

Bass boomers spreading their mis’ry in traffic
Craving attention and driving me spastic,
Not caring an oodle for anyone else,
This arse will drive one to poor mental health!

Cops who ignore them and keep right on driving,
Passing we drivers who are suff’ring and sighing,
Speeding, ignoring all laws of the road ,
Why do they think they’re exempt from the code?!

That lady texting who’s climbing your bumper,
Foll’wing for miles, you’d sure like to dump her,
Getting so peeved I just ran a red light!…
But she’s hanging in there with all of her might!

Here comes a pick up and he’s really flying,
can’t push me over but he’s really trying,
sans blinkers he cut me in one single swoop,
You scraped my bumper you dang nincompoop!

Sweating and trying, for my place I’m vying,
Choking on gas fumes, ‘n some kid is crying
That lady just stopped for a friggin green light,
I screeched on my brakes and near died of fright!

That bass nut’s still booming, my blood  pressure’s zooming,
That green light stopper’s picked this time for grooming
That texter’s horn behind me is starting to blow,
The light turned red and she thinks I should go!

These are a few of my least favorite things,
That I could avoid if I only had wings…


I commute 3 hours a day and this is just 
a sample. : )




,




Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.


Details | Couplet | |

My Bed The Synathroesmic Cat

oh lovely bed, dishevelled bed, 
warm and cosy snuggle bed
too nice to get out of bed
too big for one it should be shared

crisp clean sheets, to curl the toes bed,
pack of pillows for my head.
duvet to wrap around me, bed
wish you served meals, need to be fed.

coffee and toast make it a special bed
crumbs to lie on, isn’t good it’s said
best you throw me out, get a shower,
oh bed, can I sneak back in an hour, 

my bed I love you.

Penned 11th April 2013


Details | Sonnet | |

Eight Sons

(These would include the younger brothers of Wounded Thunder, the character I made up in my previously posted poem). These were sons of Thunder Storm and “Flower,” from Wounded Thunder down to Thunder Bolt. “Bolt” was fast; the touchy one was “Shower.” And Thunder Struck was somewhat of a dolt. The cute one pampered by fair Prairie Flower well-deserved his name of Thunder Squall, and like another brother Thunder Shower, got teased, but even louder did he bawl! Both “Squall” and “Shower” vexed their brother “Cloud,” for Thunder Cloud by moodiness was led and always scowled at them for crying out loud! Great Thunder Head filled everyone with dread, but the wild son who proved the biggest sap came home infected. That was Thunder Clap!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick 3

A very beautiful young  lady named Jan 
Explained the things she does for her man
I cannot believe what she said 
The vision won't leave my head 
If she wants to do it to me *She can.

A tribute to a dear friend .lol


Details | Limerick | |

Wrangler Favre

Brett Favre looks hot in his Wrangler blue jeans

You know that cool dude ate his spinach greens

     Has the perfect TV face

     With the girls he scores first base

If only he could master passing screens


* For the sports limerick contest


Details | Narrative | |

The Dog and the Rabbit

The dog seen a rabbit and how he did chase
to catch that little critter and boy what a race

But one thing that rabbit knew as he ran away
he was not going to be lunch for that dog today

Around the tree and  into the bushes he went
the dog was right after that little rabbit's scent

the dog was so busy that he never did see
that big old  hornet nest  way up in the tree

running and barking and making a sound
made all the hornets start buzzing around

They all made a dive and together they flew
when they  hit the dog he knew he was through

He made up his mind right there and then
he would never go chasing that rabbit again


Details | Free verse | |

The Cold War

I am winter's nemesis.I fight it tooth and nail.
In my youth it declared a war on me.
When I licked that icy rail.
Winter has many weapons to choose from.
Fear not for so do I.
A call my shovel Excali-burrr
My Ranger has four wheel drive
But winter's arsenal is no laughing matter
Icicles sent to impale, and black ice is its deadly device
But the human spirit is not that frail

I am winter's nemesis, and though it muffles all sound
This war is raging with bitter disdain.
My driveway the battle ground
I shall not relinquish my parking spot
to your mindless rabble of flakes
So bow to me you wretched season
For I shall never tire. 
and my staunch ally will soon be spring
and together we will force a cease fire

For I am winter's nemesis
And these walls shall not be breached
Until my tour of duty is done
and I retire to Miami beach


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

God Answers Aunt Kate-repost

For the last few days
     her depression had weighed
          heavy, a thick woolen shroud,
              her thoughts thickened by darkening clouds,
                    in an endless tunnel the sides closing in like a narrowing funnel.

She sat, immobile, staring 
      through the window of the house she'd built with such caring.
                
It'd started as a shack by a pond on some land
                           and she'd hammered and built it
                                               with help from no man.

She kept adding on, room after room,
      as if she, too, suffered from the Winchester doom.

Eccentric, they'd call her, if she had any bread,
      but, since she was poor, she was "soft in the head."

A tiny little woman, emaciated, so thin,
      she was not much more than frail bones under skin.
Yes, she was surely a pitiful thing,
      shoulder blades jutting like primordial wings.

Like an old phonograph with its needle stuck,
          she prayed for death, so far with no luck.

Suddenly there came a tremendous din,
         like demons scratching on her roof of old tin.

Startled, heart pounding in her bird-cage chest,
             she was suddenly afraid of a cardiac arrest.

Armed with her twelve gauge she crept to the door,
         a thousand claws scratching, louder than before.

She'd always been brave and her life had been hard,
           so, gun at the ready, she stepped into the yard.

Locked and loaded and aimed at the roof,
        she feared for her life, to tell you the truth.

(Not minutes ago, she was begging for death,
         now she was worried this might be her last breath.)

Then she looked at the roof and let out a gasp,
         the rifle fell heavily from her stunned grasp.

There on the roof and thick in the trees,
          was a sight that made her weak in the knees.

HUNDREDS of VULTURES all eye-balling her,
        clacking their beaks as they seemed to concur.

Aunt Kate started laughing and laughed 'til she cried,
        she hooped and she hollered, holding on to her sides.

The birds, having reasoned she'd make less than a bite,
                  stretched out their wings and took off in flight.

Her depression has lifted and, I heard a rumor,
       that her life had been saved by God's sense of humor. 

********Many thanks to Aunt Kate for this wonderful true story.**************


Details | Rhyme | |

SSsssssHH

My clap of flip-flops echo through the hall of books,
 Her eyes shoot daggers with heated looks.
 A finger shushes against paper thin lips,
 A formless dress hangs from her unflattering hips.
Embarrassed I find a chair with feelings of unease,
 Trying to hold back a dreaded sneeze
 She glares at me with a fiery stare,
 So wishing to throw me out on my derriere.
 As I plug my misbehaving nose,
 Another nasty odor ghastly arose.
 For in my plight trying not to sneeze
 My butt decided to boisterously cut-cheese.
 The odor epic within sacred four walls,
It echoed up and down the great halls. 
Laughter filled her grand domain,
All pointing at me for the stinky blame.
  She looked at me, with such empathy upon her brow,
 Our relationship had softened somehow.
 Covering her mirth with a thin pasty hand,
 Knowing farting was not what I planned.
 Now when entering the library, I have a nick-name
 It’s one that I carry with agonizing shame.
 I walk up to the counter, she holds her breath,
 Smiling, she greets me, “Hello Miss butt-o-death.”


*unfortunately this is a very true story lol


Details | Alliteration | |

Dung on a Rung


Surly Sally slipped and lost a flip flop
at a hearty party in a bungalow with Billy.
while dancing and prancing to hip hop
whirling and twirling and spinning silly.

Can you reverse and remember the flop she flipped?
Well it ludicrously landed in the party punch bowl.
Nobody noticed while they slurped and sipped
and the dancers dipped and ripped and rolled.

They dipped, danced, pranced and laughed,
pirouetted, and sweated,            
tipped and turned till totally daft.
Beer and booze abetted.

The next night they stayed sober and soloed somber.
Crashing and complaining Billy’s head hung,
both believed they’d been belted by a bomber.
Surly Sally swore she felt like dung on a rung!

Let this be a lurid logical lesson,
to those who think it’s only fun and frolick to abuse booze,
Or you too could be confessin’
And for lack of the light of this litany you’re liable to lose!


 An answer to a challenge for John Freeman’s Alliteration  contest
    by my poetry friend, Gwendolen Rix. 





















Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.


Details | Etheree | |

SPRING HOUSE CLEANING (reverse Etharee)

SPRING HOUSE CLEANING ( reverse Etheree)

house
ugh!  house!
needs cleaning
it’s saturday
what an awful mess!
dust    cobwebs    outside dirt
it boggles my mind to think
when I think    it’s of other things
wouldn’t it be nice to take a nap
all day    but then the mess will still be there
know what?    I saw an add in the paper
this old chinese lady cleans houses
she is very reasonable
654 – 7328
“hello    chinese lady?
you say she’s out now?
what does she charge?......
saturday?
no workee”
GREAT!






Details | Kyrielle | |

Spinning Top Toddler

I still have faint memories of the day
When in our small living room I did play
A toddler of three, spinning on my head
Lord, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?

Acrobatic talent was freely shown
But I was wearing a dress; grandma moaned
Swatted me, “Act like a lady,” she said
Lord, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?

My mother smiled, took a different approach
The acrobat skills she did not reproach
“You may take lessons,” to classes she led
Lord, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?

‘Cause mom insisted I take ballet, too
And just the very thought made me feel blue
Dancing on toes caused foot soreness widespread
Lord, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?

Eight years of lessons, but ne’er ladylike
Gracefulness failed to emerge from this tyke
To this day, I’d rather spin on my head
Lord, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?


*For Paula's Baby Boo's Shoes Contest


Details | Narrative | |

The Tale of the Dirty Dick

Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now  propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.


Details | Sonnet | |

Shall I Compare Thee to Your Mother's Arse

Shall I compare thee to your mother's arse?
Thou aren’t more lovely, but more flatulent.
Rough winds do shake it; and bring on a farce
And all her clothes hath all too short a rent

Sometime too hot-headed of hell doth burn,
And often is the true nature exposed;
And every foul from fowl; my stomach churns,
By reason, or by nature's raging closed.

But thy infernal diet shall ne’er start
Nor gain possession of which now I grasp;
Nor shall we meet again; let’s stay apart,
When in eternal sounds the voice does rasp,
So long as men can breathe or eyes can cry,
So long lives this, and I bid thee goodbye.


Details | I do not know? | |

Welcome to the Funny Farm

Beware of wolves in sheepskins
My what clever wolves
I wonder if the sheep could pass as wolves
Perhaps they could go to Wolves R Us

I've heard of a Fox in a Hen House
I wonder if a Hen ever visits a Fox House

Who was the idiot that let the Bull loose
The china shop will never be the same
I also wonder why so many Bull remain
Especially with all the politicians shooting Bull

I was so busy I had no time to get ready for my trip
So I invited a pack Rat over to help get me organized
My house boat started to sink and he was the first to leave

It started to rain Cats and Dogs
I think I need a better umbrella

He told me I could get there as the crow flies
I think he lied, my arms are tired and I'm still here

I thought I would become my own boss
This Monkey Business is tougher than I expected
My inventory is eating up all my profits

All my clothing shrank when I came in from the rain
I have to admit I felt a little Sheepish

The judge asked him to pronounce his own sentence 
He asked if he could be Hung like a Horse

All my friends call me Eagle Eye
I like that so much better than Cyclops
I would be much happier if I had two eyes

I hope you all enjoyed the trip to the Funny Farm
All the animals here are crackers


Details | Couplet | |

Nothing But the Truth

Tell me I am pretty and sexy and hot
Tell me you like everything that I’ve got

Say that my clothes fit me just right
Even if some things are a little too tight

Laugh at my jokes even if they are dumb
Massage my neck ’til your fingers go numb

Don’t get mad becaue I make more money
Do the dishes, vacuum, and call me honey

Respect me for my intelligent mind
Treat all my friends friendly and kind

Tell me that I cook better than mother
Say that you’ll never love any other

Kiss me goodnight and good morning
Make love to me without any warning

Call me at work just to hear my voice
Say that being with me is your first choice

Watch chick flicks during a football game
Give me a sweet little sexy pet name

Tell me my lovely face is all you see
But darling, don’t you ever lie to me


Details | Limerick | |

A LIMERICK CHRISTMAS THREE (3) .

Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .


Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...


What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++  on the top of the tree .
 

A COOL YULE , TO ALL YOU GOOD SOUPERS.....



Details | Quatrain | |

Wet but Wiser

A dog! A panic in a pagoda!
Rex sneaked in with a can of cream soda,
he shook it up hard and then pulled the tab.
But Rex was too slow for their choc'late lab.

Cain: a maniac, the brown dog's head swelled,
confused by the fizz but a rat he had smelled.
He was a god's dog, ergo, a ogre -
mighty fine watchdog, well-trained at Kroger.

Schooled in their stockroom with all kinds of nuts
whose tricks won ribbons for all kinds of mutts.
Cain's radar kicked in, went straight for the can
and turned it on Rex who lost his game plan.

On the way out, he offered some Kleenex.
No one's the wiser, except maybe Rex.
Recording the facts, Cain writes in his log,
Was it a rat I saw? or Am I a dog?


6 palindromes:
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Cain, a maniac
god's dog
ergo, a orgre
radar
Was it a rat I saw


6



Details | Limerick | |

Santa With Running Nose

Santa's red cap is turning blue
his nose running with Christmas flu
and the Doctor's advice
was "it will be nice,
wrap the gifts with natural glue."


Details | I do not know? | |

My_True_Identity.sas

Data Birth;
 INFILE 'C\Fathersperm\Motheregg\9_months\The_One_Of_Shadows.txt';
 INPUT FNAME = 'Yoni'
          LNAME = 'Dvorkis';
    Var Hidden_Meaning = "SAS code is not meant to be poetry you nut job";
Run; 

Data Child;
 Set Birth;
    Where Age >= 4; 
    Var Worldview = Parents_Worldview; 
    Var Facial_Expression = compress('Fear'||'Bewilderment'||'Jews believe in guilt');
Run;

Data Teenager;
 Set Child (Drop= Innocence, Baby_Fat, Cheerful_Disposition);
    Where Age >= 15 and BAC_Level >= .01;
    Var Worldview = (Peer_Pressure * 100) + Favorite_Teacher_Worldview
                            - Parents_Worldview;
    Var Hidden_Meaning = "Where are you going with this?";
Run;

Data Adult;
 Set Teenager (Keep= Anger, Intelligence, Need_For_Material_Wealth, Hatred_Towards_Body
                     Drop= A_Sense_Of_Security_In_An_Unforgiving_World);
    Var Job_That_Slowly_Kills_You = "Healthcare Data Analyst and SAS Programmer";
    Var Worldview = (Company_Mission_Statement + Family_Is_Most_Important) 
                             / Screw_Everyone_Else_I_Have_My_Own_Problems;
    Where Age >= 21 and BAC_Level >= .15;
         If Yearly_Salary >= 100,000 then 
             Self_Esteem = "Now I'm worth something!!";
         Else if 50,000 <= Yearly_Salary < 100,000 then 
             Self_Esteem = "I guess I should count myself lucky...";
         Else if Yearly_Salary < 50,000 then 
             Self_Esteem =  ______;
    Var Hidden_Meaning = "Jeez, you're really laying it on thick with the salary stuff";
Run;

Data Old_Man;
 Set Adult;
     Where Age >= 65 and Yearly_Salary = "Whatever's left of Social Security"; 
     Var Cynical_Being = 
              (Why_Did_It_Have_To_End_Like_This  *  Years_Hiding_In_Plain_Sight )
                                            - The_Will_To_Keep_Going;
Run; 

Proc sort data = Old_Man out = Old_Man_On_Deathbed nodupkey;
 By What_This_All_Meant_To_Me;
Run;

Data My_True_Identity;
 Merge Old_Man_On_Deathbed (in = a)  God  (in = b);
 By _all_;
 If b and not a;
Run;


Details | Rhyme | |

My Fair Maiden

I called upon yonder window That was up to high for me to be For my maiden gracefully sleeps there In her bed,beside the sea I asked her to come hither For her beautiful face I yearned to see Twas yawning in the morning dew As she slowly came to the window for me To my amazement came forth a ragged wench Whos hair was as raged as the sea With eyes that were burnt as nightposts To bloodshot and squinty to even see For this was not my fair maiden? Whos beauty would forever be But a drunken harlot who came hither That she spent the night with instead of me My heart now broken to pieces Wondering how could this tragedy be? For my maiden now sleeps with a harlot? Without the love that she once gave to me? My mind was now enraged So I dashed for the wrestling sea With thoughts of drowning this useless body That's no longer good enough for my maiden to see With water just over waist height And a large wave about to crash over me I heard a calling from yonder window Twas my beautiful maiden as I turned to see Her beautiful eyes in such distress Her beautiful hair flowing so care free Twas the beauty of my fair maiden That I had called upon yonder window to see For the thoughts that raced through my mind Evidently,weren't truely what happend to be For it was her promiscuous sister Who had come from the other side of the sea My heart now rebuilt with a sigh of love A large wave suddenly crashes over me The last thing I saw was my fair maiden As my lifeless body is carried out by the sea
DannyBoy:1-24-13


Details | Light Poetry | |

My Dear Nacho Cheese Doritos

My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos
I love you like an ill,
You fill me with unhealthiness,
Oh but how I crave you still.

My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
You are the greatest of the chips.
The corn, oil, and cheese seasonings
are like heaven on my lips.

My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
You are breakfast, lunch and dinner.
With every bite of triangle tortillas,
The bag, not me, gets thinner.

My dear Nacho Cheese Doritos,
no chip is to be left behind.
Oh no the bag crumbles empty,
Now I have crumbs to find.


Details | Rhyme | |

ITS POINTLESS

Now here's a contest that seems pointless
But, up to a point, I guess it will do.
The points in my life have sometimes been fruitless,
I just thought I would point that out to you.

Oh, the point of this rhyme
May be pointed one way,
But it is at this point in time
To score points by what I say.

The point that I am making,
Is that there is always some point
That life points in a way forsaking,
Giving your point a grave disjoint.

I have pointed out many times
that points are good and bad.
But the good points I remember better
Rather than the bad points I have had.

You can sometimes see how pointless it is
To try to point these things out.
As for the point I am making,
You get the point...no doubt!


Details | Rhyme | |

No,You Hold the Chicken!

   No,you hold the chicken
you hold the duck
you hold the baby;
I'll drive the truck!

  You bring the corn bread
I'll bring the wine
we'll go to Mamas'
and have a good time

  You wake up Grandad
I'll feed the cow
get us some slop
and start sloppin the sow

  Get Jr.'s overalls
off of the line
Let's go to Mamas'
and have us a time!

  Go get my banjo
and Grand Daddy's fiddle
yor juice harp's out back
on the porch where I whittle

   We'll have us a ho down
a shindig devine
Let's go to Mamas'
and have us a time!

   She'll spread out the grunions
under the pines
Let's all go to Mamas'
and have a good time!
C'mon,
Y'all!!


Details | Haiku | |

Wear Your Green

Time to wear your green

      Leprechauns are on the way

            Look for some green beer!




Details | Footle | |

KHOI BAG

ROMANCE pure bliss first kiss PASSION delight midnight WEDDING carriage marriage WEDDED LIFE awesome twosome BABY happy chappy TODDLER glass tip first sip RIPE AGE blurred sight twilight 28th Jan 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Affirmative Defense

Abel Cade got into a real deep blue funk,
Stumbled upon a road kill and ate the dang skunk,
Was right soon arrested by a passing Smokey,
Who threw his sorry behind in the local pokey.
Abel’s defense: “Don’t pick on me, can’t you see I’m drunk.”


Details | I do not know? | |

A RABBIT'S HABIT

If you should come upon a rabbit,
And you think you'd like to grab it,
Then, you'd better move with utmost care, because,
If the rabbit finds you frightening,
It will take off, quick as lightning,
And you'll find there's nothing, where the rabbit was.


Details | Rhyme | |

She means the world to me

I gotta crooked legged woman
With legs that go where they choose
Her lips are shaped like a beer mug
And over flowin with booze 

She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money 

Her face is like a chocolate chip cookie
Covered in spots dots and all of that
I don't need a road map to find my way around
Just look at her face and I know where I'm at  

She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money 

She gotta hunch back
From her boobs that sag
They look like two egg yolks 
On two kwik mart bags 

But She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money

**Singing the Blues**


Details | Rhyme | |

My most unfortunate job selling LSD

I’m excited, I got a job
I now work for Bob Bob’s Gob Shop
They asked me to stand outside and sell
These white packets, of what I cannot tell

But I was shifting the goods a hundred an hour
I felt alive excited and empowered
Mothers and fathers were buying off me
And giving their kids, who named the stuff LSD

I didn’t hear it clearly at first,
Until I was arrested and that’s when I feared the worst
The police took me to their van
 God only knows I tried to run and then… Man,

I got the tasered,
And did a twenty-five second bad imitation of Bob Marley crossed with Jo Fraser
They called me a dope peddler
An addict enforcing meddler

The cops tasered me again and beat me up
Then left me laying in a pile, yelping like a helpless pup
Then took me to a room with a table that had a pile of white powder,
And three inch black sticks they called hash, my mouth went sour.

They questioned me further demanding who was my supplier
As they kept me dancing at the end of the taser wire
I screamed Bob and Bob of the Gob Shop
They stopped and said this must be their under cover job 

Just then the chief of police walked in
He looked at me with that we gotcha grin
He took a bit of the white powder and put it on the tip of his tongue
Then with s surprised look as if he got stung

The chief of police quickly picked me up dusted me off and apologised
He said “Don’t worry sir, I’ll punish these guys”
One policemen said “But sir his a drug dealler, selling LSD?”
“How could you be willing to set him free”

The Chief shouted “YES THIS IS LSD, NOW READ MY LIPS”
“LIQUORICE SHERBET DIPS”

Well as a consolation, I got a house and a car out of them,
Never went back to that job again.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Tullys Automobile

Over the top of Tammy hill came Tully’s motor car, Tully never drove it very fast nor ever very far. In his youth he’d taught us all How to pilot our ride, It was a job he did very well And in it found his pride. But now Tully was an older gent approaching eighty-three, And he was a pretty good driver still for a man who couldn’t see. So when it became known to all that Tully was on a drive, It was best for them to stay inside If they hoped to stay alive. Whenever he detected movement in his line of sight, He’d steer his car right for it and do so with delight. He’d assume that he’d happened upon some traffic on the lane, It didn’t really matter to him at all if it was an auto or a train. All that ever mattered to Tully was that he found his way to the pub, And he was about to spend an evening of Guinness and Irish grub. Then one night I’d had enough and was in fear of poor Tully’s life, The thought of the blind old man behind the wheel added to my strife. So I lifted the bonnet on his ride and removed the distributor cap, When I was done I was greeted by some locals as they began to clap. When Tully finally stumbled out he found that his ride was no longer game, He took out a pistol and shot it dead As if it a horse that had turned up lame. Now Tully has moved to town And can walk wherever he goes. Off in the direction of the wind And follows wherever it blows. And when a car comes down the lane, To the side he’ll frantically dive. He’ll shake his fist and yell at them, “Who was it that taught you to drive?”


Details | Rhyme | |

IF I RULED THE WORLD

If I ruled the world,
I'd round up all the men.
Send them to Afghanistan,
...And nuke the place again,
and again.

I'd collect and burn,
All the world's monies
And make sex slaves,
Of all the honeys

I would kill all the ugly ones
Well save one or two
So when I'm drunk I'll say
'Shit you look good to scr3w'

I suppose you wanted everyone,
To live in peace on the earth?
But believe me, if I ruled
That would be all a myth

But I'm sure after fifty years
Of all that sex slaving
Everyone will be related
And there would be no misbehaving

Because I will make sure 
Brother does not kill brother
And to women, the children
Will call all of them mother

To me, you guessed it
They will call me father

So I don't need riches or power
Or greed, just lust
I don't need gold or diamonds 
Only women with a 42DD bust.......

**Requested by my Cousin Michelle**


Details | Couplet | |

Texan Gold Nugget

The day I came around the Soup
Texan cutie made me take giant loop

Her way of writing sometimes makes me laugh
Have to adore her like some of us worships the Golden Calf

Call herself pd
Guess that is the way it is supposed to be

Now she has sponsored me with a PM
Thought she was messin`with my brain,that lil`gem

In this game I knew from day one
Give from your heart,or you are gone

I will get what I give,she has taught me
Precious she is that lil`Texan Gold Nugget,called pd


A.Ertsland
4th.February 2012


Dedicated to Irma,rocket princess and soup boiler pd.
Love ya as much as a friend can do


Details | ABC | |

Idiots like you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Idiots like you,
belong in a school'
Don't get upset,
I went there too,
I passed all my classes,
cuz I was smarter than you,
But hey don't you worry'
You wont be one for long'
Just pass all your classes,
Go on what you waiting for,
an invitation?
No I don't think so 
go right now.


Details | Dodoitsu | |

The Brown Tree

All the nuts fell to the ground
The sane ones on branches hang
Long line from many countries
My family tree


Details | Rhyme | |

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

"Light travels faster than sound".
A fact that appears quite unique.
Conversely, sometimes people appear to be bright,
until after you hear them speak!

Things don't always stay the same
if you know what I mean?
Consequently, "Change is inevitable".
(except from a vending machine)

Patience can be a misnomer,
so don't let yourself be coerced.
The "Things that come to those who wait",
are what's left, by those that got there first!

To get "Justice by going to trial",
can turn out to be kinda fruity!
You're putting your trust in 12 people,
not smart enough to avoid jury-duty.

What is "a fine and a tax"?
Well friend, it's easy to tell.
A "fine"  is a tax for doing wrong.
A "Tax" is a fine for doing well!

I've gone thru all my poetry notes
and this is the best I can do.
It's probably not what you're looking for, 
but I'll leave that up to you!  


Ralph Taylor







Details | Rhyme | |

O' possum

O' possum O' possum
Sleep the day away
Await the setting of the sun
before you go and play

As the dusk arrives at last
Awake and stretch your paws
Don't clamber from your tree too fast
Hang tightly with your claws

The brown team 'v' the greys
Its football night you see
they'll use a melon for a ball
with a ring tailed referee

The match is quite a tussle
both teams are very strong
The crowd sit up in the trees
And Hisses them along

A possum breaks loose from the pack
Towards the goal he's bound
The goalie take a single look
Then plays dead upon the ground	

The melon bounces of the post
A dustbin crashes to the ground
The crowd invades with fever pitch 
To look in and see what's found




Details | Rhyme | |

Getchenobin

She said “it’s against my belief to Getchenobin”
I am Catholic and it would be a sin
We need to be married first
Well I could not win
I said “Do it for a laugh?”
She said “Not even half”
She was not giving and inch, 
This woman was tough
So we got married 
And she said “Getchenobin,”
I said “Not today my dear, 
I’ve drunk too much gin
We have to wait for the blessing 
From the goddess Min
Then you may ask me 
To Getchenobin


**work it out**


Details | Couplet | |

American Idol

Hearing talented young voices provides such pleasure
In our quest for America’s latest idol treasure

Next year the judging panel will not be the same
The man we love to hate will leave for bigger game

What will it be like without the infamous scowl
Of the Brit who tells it like it is --  Simon Cowell

“That was simply dreadful,” says he with a wry smirk
“You came off karaoke; it just didn’t work.”

Randy asks, "Yo, Dog, what's with the off-key pitches?" 
Ellen’s there for laughs; she leaves us in stitches

Kara strokes her long, brown hair, bats her lashes too
Asks Casey to remove his shirt, flirts as he follows through

But Simon never offers consolation prizes
Contestants' egos crash down as their anger rises

If he tells Big Mike he sounds karaoke
We may find Simon adrift in the Okefenokee

Choosing a replacement will surely not be easy
Adam Lambert? Paula's return? Oh, it makes us queasy

Simon will be missed, the show will suffer ratings
Viewers may depart for loss of the man they’re hating


Details | Light Poetry | |

Who Stole My Cheesecake

I spent all day baking
Making a special treat
I cannot wait til dinner
How great it will be to eat

I made Grams secret crust
From a recipe that she passed
Grounding all the graham crackers
So delicious it hasn't been surpassed 

The topping is made of cherries
I picked them just last night
It is the peak of their ripeness
Tested out the flavor, mmm so right

After dinners over
To the fridge to get my keepsake
But much to my dislike 
Someone stole my cheesecake 


 
* This poem is special to me. It really did spring board my poetic relationship with Casarah*


Details | Limerick | |

INNOCENT TYRANNONETTE


>>>>>>


TYRANETTESAURUS ~ LIMERICK



Cute baby tyrannosaurus nette

   gobbled bushy tree all curled and wet

        shocked mom screamed in vain

           trying to explain

her daughter swallowed their poor ole vet


                        •

NEW ERA ~ HAIKU


	
museums display

 relics of doc’s mashed bonies

  crowned with trophies


>>>


Contest of PD: Dinosaur-Quest
by nette onclaud







Details | Limerick | |

A Big Sneeze

There was a young lady called Mae West
Who was famed for the size of her chest
She came down with Flu
Gave a big sneeze 'Atchoo'
And that was the end of her vest




Details | Sonnet | |

A Brutally Honest Valentine's

My darling enigma, my dove   
You’re the epitome of my love
Your smile shines at me pearly white      
Pale skin shines and glints in the light       
Silken locks, obsidian flow
Eyes just like ice, crystalline glow        
Peals of laughter ring like a bell            
Enchant me; I’m under your spell    
You walk with a musical flow
Tiptoeing with softness through snow

But, alas, you open your mouth
Utter tripe spilling out
If only you’d keep your mouth shut.

(Love from Anonymous) 


Details | Shape | |

CHAMPAGNE

CHAMPAGNE, CORKED BOTTLES OF EFFERVESCENT FUN SWEET AND FRUITY TO THE TASTE, OR MAYBE EXTRA DRY A TINY GLASS OF BUBBLING, POPPING, SPLASHING FUN MAKE A CHOICE, BRUT, SPARKLING, OR SIMPLE ROSE WHEN ON A FRUGAL BUDGET, ANDRE’S PINK DOM PERIGNON FOR THE WEALTHY KORBEL FOR UNDER TWENTY PRICED JUST RIGHT FOR YOU "C" "O" "L" "D" "C" "H" "A" "M" "P" "A" "G" "N" "E" IS SO DELICIOUS "HAVE A GLASS TONIGHT"


Details | Free verse | |

Toilet Talk

What does one do when in the public loo, 
Apart from the obvious one’s or two’s, well it’s true!
Walls decorated with an array of graffiti and words
Scribble, or jokes, tasteless, amusing or absurd  
The mischief one gets up to, in a moment of quiet
Who would of thought to have a marker on hand
Ready for the opportunity to sign one’s tag
Tell me have you ever pondered the thought
Of having a wall of poetry, for the toilet door
Like a whiteboard, that you can clean with ease
Always ready for a new day, or week of ideas
Just imagine the mind’s workings in progress
Looking straight back at you when your mind is in idle 
This is what happens when one is on the loo
Time on one’s hands to think things through!


Details | Rhyme | |

My New GPS

I had an interview last week and used my GPS.
I thought how wonderful it was, I would not have to guess.
What exits I should enter, what lefts and rights to make.
My wonderful new GPS, my trusty guide I’d take.

And so I started early so that I would not be late.
I’d waited three long weeks to get this most awaited date.
I plugged my GPS right in and put the address in.
I thought this was the greatest thing, a positive win-win.

Things were going pretty good until the mountain top.
When my new GPS caused me to make a sudden stop.
My trusty guide said ‘make a right,’ but that just could not be.
For if I was to make a right I’d crash into a tree.

Perhaps a small computer glitch and so I turned around.
My little GPS then said, ‘recalculating now.’
I drove another four more miles and got a new command.
This time the new directions took me to a swampy land.

Now what the heck was I to do, at that point I was lost.
To miss my chance for a new job was a tremendous cost.
And so I turned around again, I’d never be on time.
Across the bridge and up another mountain I must climb.

That’s when my GPS said keep on going ten miles straight.
Unfortunately, that road took me to another state.
Needless to say, I didn’t make it to my interview.
Now I just do Map Quest because my guide and I are through.


Details | Free verse | |

The Toilet Dream Speaks The Truth

I had a dream
Where all my clothes
Were in my toilet bowl
Clogging it.

Apparently this means that
I am drenched in emotions
Which need to be released
And expressed,

So I wrote
This poem.


Details | Senryu | |

Worry-Wart

I often worry
that I might run out of things
to worry about...


Details | Rhyme | |

THE PSYCHEDELIC STEW

THE PSYCHEDELIC STEW 
 
We loved to drive out through the hills 
Where landscapes are so green, 
And always sought the smell of hay 
That seemed so fresh and clean. 
 
We'd rent a cosy cottage there 
Around that time each year, 
The days and nights were magical 
And life was full of cheer. 
 
That night we planned a simple tea 
A good old country stew, 
With fresh grown mushrooms we had picked 
As 'round the place they grew. 
 
Those mushrooms seemed much larger then 
The ones we'd norm'lly find, 
But in they went with all the rest, 
We really did not mind. 
 
Our stew was just the best we'd had 
On that we did agree, 
Then sitting back and quite content 
Enjoyed a cup of tea. 
 
When suddenly, in front of us,  
Our kitchen came to life 
With antics never seen before; 
Sure terrified my wife. 
 
She sat and watched with fear filled eyes 
For both her knife and fork, 
Were standing up and quite erect 
And both of them could walk. 

The kitchen curtains did a jig 
And plates flew 'round the room, 
Our mop then left its corner spot 
To line dance with the broom. 
 
Old teapot sang and clapped its hands, 
The tea cups joined in too. 
My mind it boggled at the sight 
and wondered what to do. 
 
I grabbed the phone and dialled for help 
That soon was on its way; 
Though not before the pots and pans 
Had all began to play. 
 
Poor doctor tried to calm us down 
Enquiring of our plight. 
We mentioned what had taken place, 
The horrors of that night. 
 
He summed up what had taken place, 
The answer he now knew, 
We'd eaten mushrooms which produced, 
A psychedelic stew.


Details | Ode | |

Ode to Trevor

We'd really like to thank you
i'm sure you left it here with love,
it really was so kind of you
but we didn't want your bug.

We thought you'd like to know
we really felt the pits
we thought of you quite often
when we had the squits.

Next time you come to visit
please leave your bugs at home,
'cause, when you bring them with you
they sure do like to roam.

So next time that we see you
I hope you come alone,
you can bring Rosie and Katie
but leave your bugs at home.


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

Oh, Toilet Bowl

Oh, toilet bowl
Did you hear me in the hall
Talking to that bastard wall
Asking who moved the door

Oh, toilet bowl
Don’t ever have gin and tonic
Cause inebriation is quite ironic
When lost in your own home
 
Oh, toilet bowl
So accessible and cool
Forgive my 90 proof drool
Irony is about to surface

Oh, toilet bowl
We're no longer alone
I’m talking to Ralph
on your big white phone
He says he’s sorry

Oh, toilet bowl
My porcelain gold
If I may be so bold
Meet my bottom

Oh, toilet bowl!


Details | Choka | |

TRANSFORMATION - a weird Choka

TRANSFORMATION – a weird Choka

Our dear Uncle Claude
He loved us kids    we loved him
He always brought us candy
Called him Santa Claude
Strange thing though    this steady change
Now he’s called Aunt Claudia

............................................................
This is not a true story


Details | Free verse | |

a really bad love poem

 
when you're in love you write really bad love poetry when you love a woman you want to relive with her every great moment you ever had both of them. clouds look like hearts, and a few look like ducks you know, quack, quack ducks. if you love someone, you walk into the wrong house you stain your tie during lunch you walk into people (a big guy peoples, he's not happy you run...really fast) to a man in love roses look perfect even if they're tulips ...sorry honey. you build a white picket fence with the pickets wrong side up when you love someone you take out the trash from someone else's house when you love someone you quit your job as a superhero you get rid of your trusty sidekick you give away your bat mobile you give your arch nemesis the bad news. you write goofy stuff, and mickey stuff too. i'm in love so i write really bad love poetry really? really! really? really, i'm in love, so sue me!


Details | Limerick | |

A Life Game: Greed

What will their eternity win?
Greed, as a vice makes some men grin.
Money is their God.
Poor folks bear guffawed.
Then games bring a different kingpin!

© June 1, 2011
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen


Details | Rhyme | |

Don't Poke the Bear

He'd had a bad day, he was snapping and snarling.
His behavior,  it was anything but darling.

But I couldn't shut up, be compassionate and care.
Oh, hell no, not me.  I had to poke the bear.

His eyes were red coals.  He sputtered and shrieked.
Sure I'd just made it worse and now he  had freaked.

sigh.....

Off to the store for ice cream for his highness
and to keep my rabid tongue from some of it's wryness.

In the line before me someone was hunting for money.
My ice cream was melting, my disposition, not sunny.

Instead of patience and a rational aire,
oh no, not me, I had to poke that bear.

"Hey Lady !, we're waiting, you could let us go through"
She threw down her coins and started counting anew.

sigh...

With running ice cream, home I now went,
where old grumpy-pants temper tantrum seemed spent.

I scooped out his ice-cream, delivered it to his side.
He glanced at it , then me, and made a comment quite snide.

I could have said "sorry, it melted somewhat"
but oh no, not me, I had a different thought.

I couldn't be contrite, compassionate and fair.
That just isn't me. I had to poke that bear.

After some comments about ice cream and his weight
I bit my tongue but I bit it too late.

sigh...

So heed my advice and just be aware
when things are going bad, just don't poke the bear
















Details | Couplet | |

Inspired You've Got Mail

Nothing can describe the excitement that I feel.
I hear the soft click as I open my laptop seal.

The whirring of my modem as it chatters online.
My heart is racing as it seems to take a long time.

I am almost speechless as I wait for the solid light.
I've been waiting all day, so I can get online tonight.

The ticking of my hard drive light rapidly blinking.
The feeling deep in my stomach is almost sinking.

I couldn't hardly wait and it made me feel unwell.
I'm almost in static as I hear "You've Got Mail".

-I could not help myself, inspired by Richard and Becca, nicest people you could meet.
-Not written for any contest
-All rights goto the orignal maker of You've got mail and any copyrights are maintained.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Nudge Nudge Wink Wink

They sit in the long grass
Cuddled up to smooch
She smiles at him sweetly’ saying
You can look but not touch

He looks so dejected 
That’s not what he wants
He is hungry inside
His breath comes in short pants

He tries to coax her
With a nibble on her ear
But she’s having none of it
He’s going without, I fear.

Bet your minds are a quiver
Nudge  nudge  wink  wink
But it’s only the sandwiches
He’s after 
                I Think???


Details | Rhyme | |

My worst Date

Twas winter ninety-seven, all around the town
Houses lit up magically, parties all around.
Boyfriend says, come with me, to works Christmas dinner,
Dress up chic and sexy, looking like a winner.

Hair all done up, makeup on, gown that fits just right
We’ll impress his colleagues, I was such a pretty sight.
Ushered to our table, we sat with others there
Such a lovely evening, a truly posh affair.

Delicious food, friends were made, laughter filled the air,
A real nice Christmas party, memories to share.
Then came all the speeches, boring us all to death,
The best part was the here here’s, sniffing wines sweet breath.

Finally was time to dance, music filled the night,
Dancing in my ball gown which now was fitting tight.
Time and time we danced that night, in each other’s arms,
Him with me and me with him, showing off our charms.

Suddenly I laughed so hard, teeth went flying out,
Slide across the dance floor, feet pushing them about.
In a flash down on my knees, scurrying about,
Found the little suckers, and popped them in my mouth.

At the time I hoped and prayed nobody had seen,
When I popped them in my mouth, and where they had been.
Looking back, now I laugh, thinking it was funny,
I’m happy now my mouth can say “C’est la vie.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
10.26.2014
For Judy Konos Contest:
C’est la vie 
1st


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

Mysterious Man

Hurriedly, silently, in purposeful fluid movements
and long, determined strides, he dashed among
the thickets, bending and darting amidst the vines
searching for a perfect little place to stay and hide.

Stealthily and noiselessly he slithered underneath
lush, leafy overhangs shielding him from the sun -
keen, cautious, like a crouching, hungry predator
anxious not to draw unwanted attention to himself.

The birds on treetops hushed their singing in haste
as the woods turned suddenly still - frozen in place,
shocked,  stunned and unprepared to bear witness
to the mysterious man’s strange, diabolical scheme.
 
He threw a quick look to his left and another to the right
then jerked, turning his head around to make doubly sure 
that no human soul finds him in this quiet, secluded place
about to carry out his dark, sinister and unplanned crime.
  
Taking a deep, measured breath and now totally reassured
of being truly alone, away from prying eyes to a gory crime, 
in his madness he violently yanked down his old Levi jeans, 
squatted to the ground, grimacing, and…ahh, sweet release!


Details | Limerick | |

Guiding Star O'er Washington

I pray a  bright star will shine in the air

    O'er Washington to guide some wise men there

        Bringing gifts of commonsense

            And harmony to dispense

                To a nation that is in disrepair

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Free verse | |

Gina the toilet cleaner

They call her big Gina
You'd know if you seen her
She is a toilet cleaner
She wears a white smock
Armed with bucket and a mop
She likes to keep things clean
And is a real scrubber
If you know what I mean
She whistles as she goes
With disinfectant wafting under her nose
She replaces toilet rolls
And cleans the toilet bowls
She really loves her job
She has a cat called Doris
And a husband called Bob
Her job is dirty and often smelly
She has a tattoo of a toilet on her belly
At the end of the day
She puts her mop and bucket away
Goes home and has a shower
Then cleans the house within half an hour
Her husband makes her mad
Leaving the toilet seat up
She puts toilet water in his cup
Of tea to sup
She has a daughter called Pru
She dreams of being a toilet cleaner too
She doesn't care about the smell of poo
Just her dream comes true
We should all appreciate toilet cleaners
Just like big Gina.


''Warning! Toilet water in tea. please do not try at home.
 could be dangerous and doesn't taste nice''.


Peter Dome.copyright.2014. Aug.


Details | Limerick | |

Gwen's Contest

Gwen’s contest sure gave me lots of trouble,
The entries made me laugh on the double,
As I have a cold
I laughed, cried and rolled,
Until alas, I blew a snot bubble! 



Thanks to Gwen and all you contestants for the entertainment! Loved this contest!


Details | Rhyme | |

THE AGING PROCESS

Many years ago, when we were all young,
We really thought life, would be so much fun.
While playing dress-up, trying on mom’s stuff,
Putting on make-up, we found to be tough.

Then came our schooling, and boy things would change,
“Those aren’t our parents”, when they acted strange.
Sometimes they were hip, but old-fashioned too,
That’s something I swore, I would never do.

Wishing you were older, adults had it made,
They would do nothing, yet still would be paid.
That is how little, we all had known,
We surely found out, once we were grown.

Loving the twenties, we’d go out with friends,
When we went shopping, we followed the trends.
Doing what we wanted, and staying out late,
It didn’t matter, what time we all ate.

Then came the thirties, and most of us wed,
Watch what you wish for, my parents had said.
We had to work hard, many bills to pay,
I guess they were right, what more can I say?

Raising your children, was hardest of all,
Needing some advice, your parent’s you’d call.
It seemed so easy, they needed no rest,
So now it’s your turn, you learned from the best.

The forties arrived, that was a shocker,
We’d spend lots of time, just at the doctor.
Back aches and headaches, so tired you’d be,
Trying not to cough, or else you would pee.

The fifties would come, and your grandkids too,
Where were your glasses? You hadn’t a clue.
You searched here and there, and under the bed,
“Hey grandma” they laughed, “They’re right on your head”.

Here come the sixties, now let’s have some fun,
You are retired; your work is all done.
To dinner with friends, you dressed and you wait,
They never show up, you have the wrong date.

Now the seventies, with friends playing games,
If only you could, remember their names.
You try hard to hide, those under-eye bags,
Gravity happens, and everything sags.

Enjoy every day, and have a good laugh,
All the steps you took, led down a new path.
Live life as it comes, each year a new page,
One thing is for sure, everyone will age.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Kiss the Rain

Like any family, mine’s the same, they leave Mama with the dirty Chores.
You’d think with Trolls, and Dragons, and such… There’d be magic galore!
But I concede defeat at Pooper Scooping Time, my sons taught everyone well.
You’d think just once, they wouldn’t run away, with such a humongous bombshell.

The Witch next door is out of town; she usually uses it to fertilize her yard.
Her magic does it in a minute flat, but she’s not here, as my yard becomes marred.
She flew on vacation with the first snowfall; in spring she’ll help my backyard.
In the meantime it’s just little old me… It’s like cleaning out a yucky stockyard.

So I gave a shovel to a grouchy old Dragon, since he’s so big and does so much.
But I came back fricasseed and charbroiled, my shovel totally melted, as such.
I put on my fire retardant suit, and I gave him a special spot where he can unload.
Apparently he didn’t like that either, as I dug out from under a humongous load.

Finally, raking it all up, I ask the dragon, to make cinders of the yucky stuff.
Instead he laughed as he huffed and puffed, blowing smoke at me, in a huff.
I smelled kinda bad as I went to the house, getting a cart to fill to the brim.
I’ll admit, getting mad at a dragon was never a good idea, to originally begin.

But I was pissed, as it looked like rain, and my mind was beginning to spin.
I filled the cart to overflowing, then tied it to the sleeping dragon’s… butt end.
When he woke up, he flew half way up to the moon, spreading it on the wind.
Unfortunately it was me, my yard, and my house, that finally got it again.

Who knows where that darned old cart now lies, as he came flying back alone.
I had learned my lesson that it would never be wise to lose my temper again.
So as the rain began to wash my folly away, I looked up and kissed the rain.
Sometimes it’s prudent, to just relax, and get in touch with the elements again.


Details | Rhyme | |

if my life was upside down

if my life was upside down i'd bump my head against the ground i'd trip over ceiling fans and i'd shake feet insted of hands i wouldnt keep any pocket change but i would keep a blood rushed brain every smile would be a frown living life upside down life upside down would be a mess confusing your right from my left people would say bottoms up but if i did i would spill my cup it sure would be funny when friends came around they wouldn't ask whats up? they would sarcastically ask whats down for those of you.....who wake up in bed in the morning when i wake,.... i wake down insted people always tell me to keep my head up high i look at them with resentment and walk away and sigh pictures never seem to stay when i hang them on the wall being upside down they always seem to fall i always have a hard time writing what i say and when i use my pen the ink flows the other way its funny how people complain about how life keeps them down but they haven't experienced living life upside down


Details | Free verse | |

A homeless bride-w

I shall daily visit the beauty parlor
And make myself beautiful for you.
I shall never clean the house
So that my skin is not tarred.
I shall ever watch my figure,
Eating calorie less foods and drinks.

I shall stay home all day
And will never be stay at home mom
But will go for Disco at night.
I shall not take drugs
But a drink or two in limits.
I shall awake late in the morning
So that you are not disturbed.

I shall adorn the house to earn
Adjectives from the neighbours.
I shall buy the furniture to invent
Nouns to be told to the visitors.
Our house will be all pronouns
But will never admit verbs as
They shake the very foundation.

*** I wrote this poem much earlier noticing a young married woman of a modest family adopting the modern living going astray from the household chores *** Based on a real
person.

The poem was posted on 1/16/2007

========================
Dr. Ram Mehta

Tenth place win in:
Contest: Any Twisted Poem sponsored by Destroyer A Poet


Details | Limerick | |

The Hereafter

He asked his flock if they believed in the Hereafter

     Amen, pastor, they said amid much joy and laughter!

          Hereafter, when the plate is passed

               I expect it to be filled up fast

                    For some reason chapel attendance plunged thereafter

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Fatal Beauty

I'm so doggone ugly,
I look like a faded roach;
If I were a pile of roadkill,
The buzzards wouldn't approach!

Oh sweet mirror on the wall,
Why stab me in the back?
You tell me that I'm beautiful,
Then fall to the floor and crack!

I went to a local photographer,
Here's something you won't believe,
He took one look at this ugly mug,
And paid me just to leave!

I can't go to the chicken coop,
To gather a single egg;
Those hens won't let me enter,
Unless I grovel and beg!

I never committed a crime,
Though my picture's on the wall;
Ugliness is a criminal act,
It's certainly against the law!

A cop pulled me over,
I asked what I did wrong;
He took one look at this sourpuss,
And said..."Nuthin', please go home!"

When I walk by flower beds,
The petals begin to wilt;
Every time I play pinball,
The game automatically tilts!

I married an ugly woman,
Someone uglier than me;
We bought ourselves an ugly dog,
Now we're as happy as can be!


Details | Burlesque | |

A Hummerous Life

In times like this it’s pertinent to stroke the longest cord
for hummer is impertinent and seldom brings discord.
Each slippery politician who runs yelling, “Come on Board!”
is asking for some hummer from constituents lapboards.

He wants them on their knees paying, for taxing fills his hoard
Just a little hummer raises bundles and gets Johnny Boys accord.
And, if you think it just ain’t right to make a joke of Nancy*
then let me tell you baby, your hummers just not fancy!

Hell, you have to laugh at what they say, and their fancy stroking
for if you took them seriously, even Heimlich would be choking!
So, just remember next time your party yells "Come on Board!"
that if you do, you must expect the meaning is untoward.


*Nancy / Nancy boy - It is the opposite of being hard. 
In cold weather a nancy boy would dress up in a coat,
hat, gloves and scarf and a hard guy would wear a t-shirt. 

*hummer a slang word for a type of sex
** humour/hummer it's a play on words


Details | Haiku | |

It is now

Ain't a word, you said.
but it takes a daring gust 
for things start to be.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Dragon Walkie

I was out walking my dragon, when I came across a Dogasaurus Rex.
It really wasn’t so bad until; they got into a real life-pissing contest.
My dragons’ roar was way less than his, and spitting fire, he couldn’t do.
So they squared off, eyes aglow, and yep, a true pissing contest did ensue.

Now, that was really icky, and flooded my neighbors whole lawn, ewww.
Well, it smelled awfully bad, but when they got going, what was I to do.
And a pooper-scooper does not work here, so I had to wait till both were thru.
If there wasn’t enough testosterone, now my neighbors’ was added, to the brew.

A mean old codger lived right there, and now, even he, was royally pissed.
Watering the lawn wouldn’t send it away; it would spread it more, amiss.
I ran to get my neighbor witch, who was laughing her head off, yes, indeed.
I’d need her help to save the yard, and with the old codger, to finally succeed.

The old codger amazed, started adding, held in, bubbling laughter, to the brew.
Seems he’s a lonely old man, with not enough fun added in his life, it’s true.
He tapped his foot, as his dogasaurus Rex did more, what was I to do, in truth?
I became worried, it would be the death of him, if he didn’t laugh out loud, forsooth.

I ask the dragon, to burn the yard, to save us all, but he just snickered more, thereon. 
How, you ask, was I to extradite myself? I went home to put a fire retardant suit, on.
Coming back I kicked, the dragon in his butt, for always being so crazily, put upon.
That quickly brought his fire on me, as I took it into the middle of the yucky lawn. 

With the taunting done, the icky stuff gone, the witch put the grass back, with great skill.
Then, the dragon started laughing, his butt off, while thinking I’d owe the witch’s bill.
Hah! He was incredulous, as I said; he’d do the witch’s bidding, till it was fulfilled.
Then, the silly dragon, down right cried, as I told him, the walkies, would now be nil!

But, Grandpa Troll intervened, with us both in timeout, again, facing across the lake.
And, the old codger, spent the rest of his life happy, entertaining the town, with our fate.
From then on, the dragon and dogasauraus, were seen everywhere, as great playmates.
And me, I always carry an umbrella, so Dragon can never rain on my parade… 


Details | Rhyme | |

Quaffed

Ole Kelly worked at the brewery
And was pretty good at that
But one day he lost his balance 
And fell into a vat

O’Reilly went to Kelly’s house
Someone had to tell his wife
He said Kelly fell into the beer
And there he lost his life

Kelly’s wife was beside herself
Said I know those vats are slick
Please tell me he didn’t suffer
That my Kelly went real quick

He said I don’t think he suffered ma’am  
As far as I could see
In fact while he was swimming in there
He climbed out twice to pee

Another old Irish joke that I just had to set to rhyme.



Details | Limerick | |

Debbie-Do Flew

As a girl in my teen I did stray
to the circus I did run away
I wanted to fly
high in the sky
But, Mother wanted me to dance ballet!

Yes Debbie-Do flew upon a trapeze
in sequined tights with a rod 'tween her knees
her hair in a tail
her cleavage unveiled
I was the toast of the town if you please!

As I preened on the platform up high
and powdered my two hands and my thighs
one fine reporter
said I really aughta
Try out for the circus in Shanghai.


Details | Verse | |

Chocolate Pleasure

Will you,Eat me; eat me,
please, like A piece,
of Reese's Pieces, 
chocolate pleasure, 
I melt in your mouth, 
I am that Kit-Kat,
who will satisfy, 
your whatchamacallit, 
to make the Skor, on
Your Nutroll,
and go nutritiously,
 nutrageous, 
over my babyruth, 
for you are, that mounds,
of full almond joy..


Details | Rhyme | |

School Supplies

I glanced out my window watchin' kids plod along to school today.
I recalled my school days and how things have changed along the way
I watched the little fellers hunched over with their over-loaded packs.
'Tis a wonder the little dudes don't develop a twitch in their sacroiliacs!

I wore overalls and shoes that I was told by Mom I'd better not scuff!
Nowadays, kids are sportin' Rebok shoes and all kinds of fancy stuff!
If they don't have the latest and greatest, they're bound to pitch a snit!
Appearances mean everything even to kindergartners, on the face of it!

To begin school in days of yore, I was required to supply a pot of glue,
Couple of No. 2 pencils with erasers, ruler, ink and a ruled pad or two.
Wrapped in a newspaper for lunch, a baloney sandwich and apple for a snack.
When my grandkids showed me their list of supplies, I nearly had a cardiac!

Included were - a backpack, Rigatoni noodles, crayons and composition books,
A cell phone, calculator, protractor and for reading, one of those fancy Nooks,
Facial tissues, scissors, a ruler, colored pencils, pencil sharpener and erasers,
Elmers glue, Ziploc bags, a ream of paper and plastic dividers to use as spacers!

One change of clothes in case of accident to include underwear, pants and socks,
Disinfectin' wipes, three-ring binders and a padlock for individual locker locks!
I am caused to pause and ponder how we "oldies" got a solid education,
Sans all the geegaws and fancy frills that are now required for graduation!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Crack Of The Moon

I joined a nudist colony,
Was that a big mistake!
Everyone's naked, in the buff,
Sippin' soda by a lake

A big ol' gal named Marsha,
Stepped on a banana peel;
Our feet got tangled together,
As we tumbled down a hill!

My life had flashed before me,
Flesh was crowdin' my space;
By the time we hit rock bottom,
Her moon was in my face!

I fought like hell for freedom,
Her butt was crushin' my skull;
I was feelin' rather groggy,
My vision was goin' dull!

Mounds of sweat overwhelmed me,
Six others came to assist,
Beneath that skin I was tastin',
The biggest butt I ever kissed!

With a heave and a ho, I was free,
My body was a mangled mess;
I spent a week on the sofa,
An ugly sight, I must confess!

You might say I'm stupid,
It'll roll right off my back;
I never used marijuana,
But I've had my share of crack!


Details | Quatrain | |

Hair

We've always been obsessed with hair Ponytails or long and flowing Medusa's hair would turn you to stone If you gazed on it, no joking In the 60s a Broadway hit called “Hair” With its popular anthem “Aquarius” Prompted a new age of sexual revolution Some of the sights were hilarious What's the attraction I don't understand Seems kinda primitive to me Being obsessed with this body adornment It's kinda pagan wouldn't you agree Imagine if we had the same obsession With some other interesting parts How about plump and rhythmic derrieres Call it “Bums” with the hit song “Farts” Sorry I got totally lost in my thoughts Such a silly billy I am So back to poetry about social issues To prove I can be serious, I can © Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Clerihew | |

Ouch

Sir Isaac Newton
didn't think gravity was fun,
when at the tree he did slump,
from an apple that caused a lump.




For "You who....Yo, Clerihew" contest sponsored by Catie Lindsey.


Details | Limerick | |

Crotches and Scotches

There once was a bold prig named Wiener
who had an unsightly demeanor
he took pics of his crotch
after two shots of scotch  
"Where's his wife? Well nobodies seen her."


Details | Limerick | |

One Night Stand

Their once was a girl in love
She knew he was sent from above
They danced, they sing they did everthing
But then he deflated in the tub


Details | Senryu | |

FISHING GONE HORRIBLY WRONG


casting out my line
to catch the favored one
only a shoe lured


Details | Senryu | |

Oh! Dear gawd!

Mom looks through windows
A watched pot will never boil
A daughter's courtship





Contest; "Redneck Psalms, Improve Human Foible"

Sponsored by: John Freeman


Details | Rhyme | |

RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC

HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
SO TIRED OF THESE CITY STREETS
FUMES EXHAUST AND NOISE NEVER ENDING
HAVE I LOST IT
WELL THATS PENDING
GO AHEAD CUT ME OFF
TAKE THE RIGHT OF WAY
GO AHEAD FLIP ME OFF
CANT BE NICE TODAY
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
ANOTHER MORNING COMMUTE
ONE IS RUDE AND RECKLESS
AND THE REST MUST FOLLOW SUITE
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
THEY ALL LOOK OH SO PISSED
MUST BE RUDE AND RECKLESS
HUMMM GUESS THATS A MEMO THAT I MISSED
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
JUST WANNA GO BACK TO BED
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
LOOK OUT YOU STUPID CREEP!
THIS TRAFFICS MESSING WITH MY HEAD
BUT STOP DRIVING LIKE THAT OR WE'LL ALL BE DEAD
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
ONE IS DOING HER MAKEUP
APPARENTLY WITH HER FEET
ANOTHER IS ON THE PHONE
WISH I COULD TURN THIS CAR AROUND
AND HURRY RIGHT BACK HOME
WELL ITS NEARLY FIVE OCLOCK
BACK IN THE CAR
TIME TO ROCK
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
CANT WAIT TO TAKE A BATH AND GO TO SLEEP


Details | Rhyme | |

My Outhouse

Welcome to my outhouse My humble little abode Just four walls with a couple of holes That help with the ca-mode Always something to read Or a word search to be done May write some words on the wall To read later for a little fun So sorry about the smell But this is where the business gets done I'll kindly sprinkle some lime down later If I haven't got the runs At night with candles lit The aroma is not so bad It's really not a bad place to sh%t But the cold seat always makes me so mad When your time in here is through Leave the door hang open wide For it's easier to release the smell from in here If it's not always boxed up inside
Danny Boy:2-12-13


Details | Rhyme | |

Career Move

No wonder I'm snaggin'
Jumping your bar
I've hitched my broke waggin'
To the wrong star...


Details | Free verse | |

two shoes

two shoes
under the chair
waiting 
for somewhere to go
and someone to go with

looking lonely
but only
just waiting 
for the weather 
to clear 


Details | Rhyme | |

Give A Man A Sea-Kitten

Give a man a sea-kitten,
And you feed him for a day.
Teach a man how to sea-kitten,
And PETA will make him pay.

I guess there isn’t much to say,
We’re gonna eat them either way,
Because the message here being conveyed
Does not have to do with fish per se.

Instead we feel the need to build
A foundation where we can rest our guilt.
Or where we can sway, or push, or tilt
The basis of sanity. And watch it wilt.

Humans are actually land-dodos.
A tree is also a green-giraffe.
But no name we will ever sow
Will ever cease to make me laugh.

I mean, how bored do you have to be
In a world with war and disease uprising
To stop what you’re doing and decide: “Here see,
Fish are in trouble. Start compromising.”?

Man is the measure of these extents.
The apex of idiocy slips his mind,
And thus he chooses to invent
Another means to thwart mankind.

We’re defending the rights of things we need.
Things we need for survival, like skin.
And in our greed we fail to read
The paradox lying herein and within.
Among all the things that humans bleed for,
Nothing more imbecilic has ever been,
Than renaming the fish of which we feed
Into something like sea-kitten.

“And then Jesus blessed the sea-kittens,
He broke the bread and divided it amongst 5000 people.”


Details | Light Poetry | |

Pie Eyed Spittoon

Out of the west, amide a beautiful sunrise… came a pie eyed son of a gun.
Looking for Armadilly Billy the Sling Shot Kidster… water gun… in hand.
He rode a very slow plug, an inchworm called ‘Giddy-Up-You-Lazy-Thing’.
Said he was seeking, Billy the outlaw, who had shot his brother in the leg.

But we all knew Billy hadn’t done it, cause he simply, shook his… head… no…
Sure he’d shot a few snakes in the grass, in the range war, way up North, long ago.
But he’d known everybody there; this one, was only here, to try to build a name.
Pie Eyed Spittoon the Rodeo Clown, was looking to earn some respect, with fame.

Now, you don’t find respect by drawing a water gun; it’s always a loosing game.
So we told him, Billy had moseyed on, somewhere way down south, late last May.
To our surprise, he sat down and cried; there was only so much he could take, to face.
Apparently, guy ladybugs don’t get much respect, especially in a fancy, rodeo place.

At that, Miss Kitty Purrfect, sashayed into place, right in front of Pie Eyed Spittoon.
She ask him what his real name was… He answered, it was Wilber Wash Number Two.
Taking him by the hand, she deftly led him off, giving him ideas for a great bar room.
A fancy pants Troll Lake Town sarsaparilla saloon, where flowers would be in bloom.

They would even serve High Tea with scones and crumpets, of course, in a back room.
But, there'd be a tin pan ally, piano in great use, in that bar area, up front, real soon.
Miss Kitty Purrfect would sit on top to sing a tune or two, as Mr. Spittoon kept the bar.
She would be his partner, to help liven up the crowd, and keep them from straying far. 

The Muskrat Gang could clean up in their spare time when their other work was done.
Silk worms would be ordered from China Town, to make fancy drapes, in the bargain.
And Spittoon could serve Sarsaparilla, as Billy controlled the, sometimes-rowdy crowd.
All got what they’d wanted, without a single shot being fired, smart, don’t you think?

Troll Lake town was growing, at a rapid rate, but all were sure, it would be OK.
Armadilly Billy the Slingshot Kidster, was voted, as the sheriff in Town, that day.
And with Miss Kitty Purrfect by Billy’s side, a new era had definitely, begun in town.
Not to mention Mr. Spittoon, who enjoyed the respect, as barman, in our boomtown.

The moral my friend… is violence never wins… always use your head instead!
Making friends, will always serve you better, than making enemy’s… it’s often said!


Details | Quatrain | |

Soup Addict

I just can't believe it
I'm addicted to soup
I can't put the spoon down
I continue to scoop

So many flavours
I can't get enough
It's like there's heroin
They put in this stuff

Sure I can quit
Any time I want
But wait a minute
Look at that font

A few more minutes
Perhaps an hour or two
Good thing I kept reading
I got introduced to you


Details | Rhyme | |

Ain't America Great

Miz Liberty welcomed Luigi to America's shores to begin a brand new life.
He arrived at Ellis Isle with piles of baggage, three kids and his addled wife.
He knew not a word of English but there's one thing he understood;
He must soon learn the baffling lingo so as not to be misunderstood!

Luigi enrolled in an English class and was bewildered from the start,
Trying to absorb the meaning of various words the teacher did impart!
There were so many words that sounded alike that he could not construe,
And how to fit them in a sentence or a conversation, he had not a clue!

"For example" he asked, "How and when do I use-a you, yew and ewe?
Please-a told me once-a more when it's-a proper to use-a do, dew and due!
When I visit da zoo, is da beast in da cage called a new, knew or gnu?
Can you tell-a me if da tree colors in fall are called hue, hew or Hugh?"

"How can I know if I use-a these-a words correctly, too, to and two,
Or if I get-a sick which of these-a words do I use-a, flew, flu or flue?
I'm-a having all kinds of troubles with these-a words, heir, hair and hare!
In da market I can't figure if I should ask da man for a pare, pair or pear!"

He strove to comprehend the perplexing language and all its doublespeak.
His kids could speak like natives but for him things were looking bleak!
But over time he learned to parse and spell and the jargon he did subdue!
Last I heard of Luigi he was a tenured English professor at Columbia Yew!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | I do not know? | |

Centipedes

The funniest thing I ever did see Was a couple of centipedes in love Walking hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in handin hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand ©Jack Ellison 2012


Details | Verse | |

Andrea Upside Down

                      I rang on Andrea`s door the other morning
                    Wondered if she wanted to come out and play
          "Good God in Heaven" she nearly screamed as the door opened
         With toes attached to the roof drainage I was hanging upside down
             Stupid grin on my face-I presented a bouquet of red roses




A.Ertsland
1st.February 2012


Hope our dear Andrea Dietrich takes this with a kind heart.I dedicate this one to her,because  of her always loving person-and for always sticking by when the going gets tough.Love her humor too:=)




Details | Rhyme | |

Hypnotist

I listened as you spoke
Gums flapping in the breeze
Words slipping off the tongue
Expressed with so much ease

Your verbal gymnastics 
Deserve a perfect ten
I ask you one question
You repeat it all again

Your words enchant me
I listen while you sell
Some kind of hypnosis
I respond to your spell

I bow to your persuasion
Your rythm my blues
I want what you're selling
This thing I won't use

As I open my checkbook
The spell starts to break 
My brain starts working
When my hand starts to shake


Details | Light Poetry | |

Dr Seuss for Casarah Nance and family

As per Casarah's request, here is 2 fun dedications to Dr. Seuss

A Person is a Person
-no matter how small-

I can not see
I can not be
I can not write a word at all
So I am not feeling very tall

I have no pen
I have no ink
I have no will to dream up verse
Somehow this seems so perverse

I am not a cat
I am not a dog
I am not a tree with leaves that fall
See? I am not very tall at all

I am not so big
I am not so small
I ate my words this I tell
That’s why I ‘m round as hell

I have a hat
I have a cap
I have a bottle of captain jack
One more shot
And one more clink
This tribute is on the brink

So I toss my hat up in the air
Dr Seus has more flair
Of I go, far away
I hope to rhyme another day


Ok I am back for one more!!!!


Sam and Eggs

Sam I am, or so you say
Sam I am not, not today
I am just a boy, who likes to play
This is why, when I get home
Momma better get of the phone
And make what I love to eat the best
Breakfast food shall be my fest
Green eggs and ham that’s all I want
I'll eat then at the kitchen table
In a car
On a plane
For green eggs and ham
I 'll ride the train
I like them best, all the time
On the farm
they cost only a dime
Sam I am not, no no no
I am not that Sam you thought you know
I just love green eggs and ham
I even eat them on the tram
Here and there, everywhere
I’ll eat green eggs and ham I do swear
I am sure the day I go to heaven
They will serve green eggs and ham
After eleven!!!!! All for Sam !!!


Notes: Hope this brings you a smile Casarah, something you can read to the kids, I know
I sure will, I think Maya and Timmy are getting tired of "The bear went over the mountain"
Also, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart, you volunteering for meals on wheels, 
You are to be applauded!! Often the good ones are shy to shine a light upon themselves
So I took this upon myself  to do it for you!!!!!!!      Applause!!!!!!!!!!



Details | Rhyme | |

The anomaly of irony.

Rolling through a bloody mess,
my master died alone no less.
His mercy was indeed a lie,
he said I lived but now will die.

His hand was swift with a mighty stroke,
within a thought my life was broke.
Oh how I lived, and he knew not,
but now I lay...my life to rot.

No foot, nor hand could move a limb,
Three days old and no sign of him.
And then he came at my wits end,
With strength alone I cant defend.

He lift me up and broke my jaw,
Just to laugh as I hit the floor.
He took a blade and made a fist,
stabbed his flesh, his vein, his wrist.

Now you're dead and now you're mine,
drink from me and you'll be fine.
I could not stand my masters site,
I killed him quick with my own bite.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Man in the Mirror

My father-in-law went through this phase with his Alzheimer's.


We’ve recently noticed that grandpa has made himself a friend,
We’re pretty sure that this one will stay with him until the end.

The new guy has his room right next door to my grandpa’s place,
And every time my gramps stands at the window he can see his face.

It seems that the two of them are as compatible as can be,
And they both decorate the same as near as gramps can see.

Gramps visits with his friend to share iced tea and a smile,
Until they both run out of steam and decide to nap for a while.

They make a pretty good team they’re just like day and night,
The new guy uses his left hand and Gramps prefers his right.

And Grandpa never looks in the window just to stand and stare,
But every time he walks past the thing the other guy is there.

Grandpa says the only thing about this guy that might turn into a curse,
Is that the guy is so good looking and he might steal away the nurse.


Details | Rhyme | |

Those Crazy Pole Beans

This is a mostly true story!

A few years ago in central Arkansas
I planted a garden among rich fertile soil
Followed seed packet directions as though written by law
Believing better results came from sweat and toil

Tomatoes and peppers and something called pole beans
Potatoes and onions, colors of corn, I've never seen
Always ended up with mud on the knees of my jeans
Slowly through the dark earth peeked petals of green

Weeks later everything looked just as though I thought it should
And I hoped everything would taste just as good
But those pole beans kept growing like you've never seen
And started making lovely huge beans of green

I had to build a fence to hold them up
Every day they grew another foot taller before sunup
The only way I could pick them was from the top of my ladder
I tell ya', no red head from Ireland has ever been madder!

*note...I am part Irish with red tints in my hair..no insults intended....

©Donna Jones


Details | Light Poetry | |

As I Paddled the River Nile

As I paddled the river Nile
I met a monstrous crocodile. 
She smiled at me enticingly.   
I smiled deferentially.  
Through large white teeth to me she said, 
"I want you in my river bed." 

"We are not acquainted enough
for such intimate, tasteless stuff," 
I cried.  A hippopotamus 
opined, "Hey, we're amphibious. 
We're inclined to romp through marshes; 
come, let's crush some reedy rushes." 

I paddled hard away.  The Nile 
now swirled by rapidly awhile
to the sea.  There where its two brinks 
grow apart it flows past a sphinx 
who lies prone and thinks endlessly 
deep thoughts about eternity. 

For eons and eons his mind 
thought thoughts about how to unbind 
gravity from mentality    
throughout universality, 
that we might freely float;  
no more need to paddle my boat.  

Unfortunately, he has no gumption 
to follow his least assumption; 
but we do chat on fluently
of, to wit, stuff way beyond me 
like hieroglyphic-ally writ 
papyri.  When he will not quit 

I wander alone to a tomb 
where lies Cleopatra, of whom 
each schoolgirl knows; how her last gasp 
came as she clasped to breast her asp. 
Grasp that story's significance
twixt geometry class and dance.

Whilst she patronymic-ally 
reigned, a most royal Ptolemy; 
she told Marc, "My new last 'nym' now'll
be 'Anthony'."  This, post her roll 
out, quite nude, from Julius' rug.  
His offer of sex met her mere shrug.  

I stood amid a pyramid 
or three and pondered where they hid, 
these pharaohs, all their treasury. 
Was power or mere pleasury 
their true architectural plan? 
To ever tell, no pharaoh can.  

These writs I write as my boat drifts
midst original hieroglyphs 
through the Mediterranean.  
I don't need a librarian  
to see, no sociology 
compares to Egyptology.   



Details | Narrative | |

THANKSGIVING TURKEY

They organized a church bazaar,
To raise money for the poor.
A booth for selling chances
Was set up, outside the door.

When I bought the raffle ticket, 
My reasoning was murky,
And I could only just believe it,
When I won that doggone turkey.

Now, the kids were all excited
When we brought the critter home.
So we placed him in the barnyard, 
Where he'd have lots of room to roam.

Since the date was late October,
I'm quite sure you understand,
That to have him for Thanksgiving
Was my awe inspiring plan.

Well, the turkey was no birdbrain,
As I was very soon to find.
That bird knew what I was thinking;
Why, I declare, he read my mind. 

I let the children care for him,
To my most profound regret--
He turned on his charming manner,
And, quickly, he became their pet.

But that fact did not deter me,
I told myself it didn't matter.
I was dead set and determined
To see that gobbler on a platter.

When the kids perceived my purpose,
They turned on the tears and pleas.
Then, the wife joined in their chorus,
And that brought me to my knees.

So I told my grieving family
They could dry up, and relax.
I concealed my disappointment--
Went and put away the axe.

Came the dinner of Thanksgiving,
Not a sad face could be found.
And our live Thanksgiving turkey
Was the gladdest bird around. 

We gathered around the table,
And I humbly asked the blessing--
While Tom gobbled down his corn, outside,
We had hotdogs and dressing. 


Details | Rhyme | |

Nag Nag Nag

God made Adam out of the clay,
A friend for walks in the cool of the day.
Eden was all that Adam had to tend,
But God decided he needed a friend.

From Adams rib, God did conceive,
A companion for him who He called Eve.
How long he walked with God we do not know,
But it was a good life without sorrow.

But this all came to an abrupt end,
On that morning Eve he did comprehend.
For from the moment she was activated,
Adam's life was aggravated.

Each day became an infernal drag,
Because all she did was NAG, NAG, NAG.
The grass is too green, the flowers too bright,
And where do you go in the cool of the night?

Where do I go when I want a chat?
I've got no friends, did you think of that?
You've got a job, God did you proud,
All I get told is, don't touch that, it's not allowed.

I'm going to leave, with nothing to put in a bag.
Adam said yes, please go, then no more NAG, NAG, NAG..

© Dave Timperley 2013


Details | Grook | |

Chihuahua Rides As Navigator

.
                                       Everywhere I go
                               My Chihuahua rides with me
                              In his McDonald's coffee cup
                               Right next to me on the seat


Details | Verse | |

What's in the Boot of the Car

Being stuck in a traffic jam
I was shocked to see
A sticker in the window 
of a car in front of me:
It held a lurid message
Of dark and deep despair;
Ex husband locked in the boot 
Open it if you dare.

I laughed a bit, then paused for thought!
What if it really were true,
How do I know theres nothing there?
If I did, What would I do?
I decided I would follow her
Then take a peek inside'
After all you don’t post a note
Of what you wish to hide!

I opened the boot cautiously
And much to my surprise!
A jack-in-the-box sprung out
and hit me between the eyes.
I now know why the boots are up
In the car sales sites I pass:
It confirms no husbands are in them
Who’ve been poisoned shot or gassed.

Robert Cartwright-Davidson (RabCD)


Details | Couplet | |

Excuses

I didn’t mean to do it, it wasn’t me that did
I wasn’t even here that day; I think I was in Madrid.

When the power went out, it wasn’t me I know
If you make toast in the bath, that makes the power blow.

I know it can’t be me, cos I wasn’t even there
So I mean it was some one else, if you really care.

I remember it was cold that night, I didn’t have a coat
I couldn’t have done it you know, I told you in that note.

I left it there so that you would know, that I had not been near
I mean that it was after; I thought I had been seen near here. 

I was going to call you, but I lost my phone today
I was really too busy, when you asked me anyway.

No I can’t come to tea, I have a prior date that day
Oh no, it’s an interview, that’s what my boyfriend said to say.

No honestly it isn’t you, the problem is really with me
I think I better go now, before my excuses you start to see.

© 3/01/2013 

Contest Entry


Details | Couplet | |

Millicent

Millicent Portia Ponsonby-Smyth
Could speak fluent French by the time she was five.
By the age of just eight she was top of her class,
There wasn’t a test that she couldn’t pass.
English and maths she coped with just fine
And quantum mechanics she’d mastered by nine.
Her parents were proud, but a little concerned
That she’d never have fun if she stayed in to learn.

Her father said, “Millicent go out and play.”
“But father I’m reading so here I shall stay.”
“Being so clever is great there’s no doubt,
But once in a while you need to get out.”
She said, ”Pater, please listen I’m happy to study,
And if I go out there’s a chance I’ll get muddy.”

That very night she was taken off guard,
She discovered a sum that was simply too hard.
She stomped round her room in utter frustration,
She just couldn’t do this quadratic equation.

Gnashing her teeth and tearing her hair
She kicked out in temper at her teddy bear.
It flew through the air and bounced off the wall,
So she kicked it again before it could fall.

It bounced off her head and then off her knee
And suddenly Millicent giggled with glee.
She continued all night to kick it around.
For hours she kept it from touching the ground.
In the following weeks she practiced some more
And saved all the money she earnt from her chores.

She went to the shop, bought a ball and some boots,
And learnt how to dribble and learnt how to shoot.
Every day after school she went to the park
And practiced her football until it was dark.
She continued to study the books and the sport
And paid close attention to all she was taught.

13 years later Miss Smyth is delighted
She’s the first girl in history to play for United.


Details | Rhyme | |

Music, Music, Music

I reckon I'm showing my age and am pretty well set in my ways,
But I have zero tolerance for the noise called music nowadays!
The metal bands and rap are loathsome to my delicate ears.
I haven't heard a melodic tune on the radio for over forty years!

Pleasing to the ear was Vaughn Monroe and his mellow baritone.
Likewise, the romantic, comprehensible crooning of Vic Damone.
A songster who could stir even the most unromantic soul,
Was the silky-smooth delivery of debonair Nat King Cole!

I truly enjoyed the ballads belted out by the ever-living Elvis,
And got a kick out of watching in action his double-jointed pelvis!
Delightful were the songs vocalized by cheerful Doris Day.
It was so relaxing listening to the Velvet Fog, Mister Mel Torme!

Will there ever be another Patti Page, Perry Como or Peggy Lee,
Dinah Shore, Frankie Laine or Jo Stafford serenading me?
Oh, to hear again The Mills Brothers and their sweet harmony.
Now all I hear is dreadful screams and gross disharmony!

Today's drivel to my romantic soul is of great offense.
'Tis foreign to my ears and doesn't make a bit of sense.
Music back then invited you to hold your gal in close embrace,
As you danced and murmured sweet nothings face to face!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Free verse | |

Anger

Anger is for sissies.
Does that make you angry?
Too bad.
Sissy.


Details | Rhyme | |

Dr Seuss Paranoia

Did you ever have the feeling there's a man in your can? Or a ball down the hall with an eye to spy? Sometimes I'm sure I have ants on a tour of my house without cure. And sometimes I know there's a pup in my cup, yelling "Hey, what's up!" And that white ram in the door jam well, he's on the lam. That's the kind of paranoia I live with each day. I admit I'm delusional in a big way! Some visitors are quite friendly like the girl with a curl under my bed with Earle. But Bower in the shower, well he sings for hours! And the lady named Sadie why she is quite shady! I like Randy. He always has candy. But the man looking at me in the TV, him I wish I couldn't see. All the brunettes in the cabinets, they love to dance about. But that meanie named Bellini, him I could do without! The cat in my hat I don't like at all. And I get quite nervous when Saul runs down the hall. The bears on the stairs taunt me without a sound. And so do the others who like to hang around. Like Bert, and Mert, and Kurt, and Gert who live inside my shirt. I don't care if you don't believe it, find me my straitjacket. I'll never leave it! *Based on the book, There's a Wocket in My Pocket for Dr. Seuss Theme and Form contest (Joann Grisetti) Seventh Place


Details | Couplet | |

Footles - Part 14

Norseman on Foot

Hiking
Viking

Attack of a Norseman

Striking
Viking

Norseman Plays Volleyball

Viking
Spiking

What Jiminy Got For Speeding

Cricket
Ticket

Quiet Laughter

Vicar’s 
Snickers

Baby Rick Gets Into Honey

Sticky
Ricky

Cheap Melted Metal

Nickel 
Trickle


Details | Light Poetry | |

Dragons Zoo Field Trip

My son came home from school one day, wanting permission to go, to the Zoo.
His field trip sparked a riot. Can you imagine at home, what immediately ensued?
Trolls, Dragon, the weird frogs, plus a sundry of forest folk, all wanted to come.
Woe is me, I thought, as I fainted dead away. Can I even remotely get this undone?

Our neighbor witch, thought it a marvelous thing. She definitely wanted to be there.
But then, now did the entire, blooming forest folk! Can you imagine the result? I swear!
Naturally, the Zoo said no! Then I offered them the rights for the resulting video show.
Naturally, the News Guys wanted to come, for a reality story, all new and fully aglow.

Yes, ‘The Wild is about to meet, the Caged.’ Came the headlines from everywhere.
The witch put a spell on everyone; to successfully return us, without a worry or care.
Then she zapped… Us… There. The Penguins are barbarians, The Weird Frogs cried.
But jumped in, for a good time as the Puffins taught them to ride, their water slide.

The Polar Bears got a chance to play, for a change, with our fun filled Forest Bears.
The dragon went straight to the monkey house, and let them all out… of their lair!
Never fear, he let them ride to the sky, with acrobatics included for them, in the ride.
You see, they’re a curious lot, and literally wanted to see where the human’s abide.

But when they finally saw, what it looked like, they gladly went back, to their home.
Not enough trees for their liking… and cars trapping people in their cages, of chrome.
Now the beavers loved the otters, and the seals made the Trolls roar with, endless fun.
The seals put on a show and the Trolls paid a toll by rubbing their tummies, every one.

The Walrus joined in for the water fun, spraying everyone, and giving the Trolls a ride.
No one was bored, that day, as the giraffes watched happily, from where they reside.
Then as the night came to a close the dragon, did a spectacular, fireworks show.
I’d been near dead with worry. But the day went great, as I finally, came to know.

For once in my life, every thing was grand… as we safely made it home, though late.
Too bad Dragon did sneak back, to bring the Barbarian Penguins, home to our lake.
The next morning I got up to a God-awful noise for the penguins wanted to eat, now!
I could hear them, though they were in my recliners, all down by the shore. I avow!

Not to mention, the Zoo authorities had caught dragon on videotape, start to finish.
I thought we were in trouble, until a truck arrived with the penguins breakfast fish.
The authorities had come along, and wanted them kept right where they are. Oh Joy!
It appears renovations were scheduled, for their beloved home, at the Zoo. So enjoy!

Apparently, this would be their temporary home, so with fond regards… 
They left and… I put Dragon in charge… Can’t wait for the results… to start! 


Details | Narrative | |

Tallahassee Driving

upon hard grey streets of asphalt I drive
through morn’s muted orange glow 
white headlights shine, red brake lights blink in time
with changing signals red, yellow, green
disoriented city visitors a hindrance to the flow
why at seven a.m.

now stopped two cars back waiting for green
a woman in a minivan ahead primps methodically 
striving in effect to give herself a perm.
the man beside is engrossed in the news
early edition of  today’s tabloid spread over the wheel
will he know when it’s time to go

behind, a husband and wife, I assume
each talk animatedly on their phones
while obnoxious unrestrained children carouse 
a movie playing on the DVD
an ancient pickup stopped in the suicide lane
right turn flashing “let me in!”

green, the light changes, yet still we wait
one, two, three and horns start to blare
shaken are they from hypnotic states
virtual hair salons, libraries, and phone booths abandoned
traffic moves once again in earnest
until the very next crowded intersection.


Details | Carpe Diem | |

Grumplicious!

Why are you so grumpy?
Pray, what made you so?
What gave rise to those dark eyes,
and snivel on your nose?

Why are you so grumpy?
-Don't give me the charade!
I see through that bright red nose,
upon that white clown face!

Why are you so grumpy?
Oh, come now, don't hold back.
I know you know that I know well,
the way you always act.

You cover and hide,
and hurry your stride,
you act as though I'm clueless.
Pout and weep,
mumble and freep,
I know that's no word, BUT YOU DO IT!

So if you're feelin' grumpy,
don't let that raincloud set.
The day that comes after this one,
could be your greatest yet!


Details | Rhyme | |

Dueling Would Be Violins

The vegetable orchestra was about to play Fred and Ted had to have their way Both the same, stubborn twins These two dueling string bean violins “I’m the lead violin” said Fred “No you’re not” said violin Ted “My strings are taught and so fine” “So what” said Fred, "so are mine" “And you’re warped in the middle” “Get lost” said Ted, “You’re just a second hand fiddle” “I'm as good as a Stradivari, don’t you know?, And I have the finest bow” “That doesn’t matter, you’re still a buffoon, Oh, and you’re always out of tune” “Look I’m lead violin, I won’t be thwarted” An angry Fred String bean, retorted The argument went on, it never diminished Until the concert was over and finished So who won?, that’s another story Roger the roobarb stole all the glory
For contest 'Show Me The Funny'


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Bird is the Word

I don’t know what I’m complaining about, it’s not like I’ve been cuffed, All I have to do is show up for dinner. After all it’s the bird that got stuffed. It’s not like they’re asking a lot from me they won’t work me till I’ve croaked, All I have to do is show up and eat. After all it’s the bird that got smoked. I can’t tell you that they’ll torture me and it seems to be reasonably priced, All I have to do is visit for a while. After all it’s the bird that got sliced. I could tell them things to make them laugh until their gravy becomes splattered, All I’d have to do is tell a joke to them. After all it’s the bird that got plattered. I think that it smells good enough that I’ll eat until they claim my leg’s been hollowed, All I have to do is not complain about things. After all it’s the bird that got swallowed. I’ve never given it much thought before but a bird’s life is really kind of murky I guess I’d rather be the Thanksgiving guest today than be the Thanksgiving Turkey.


Details | Rhyme | |

Chopstick Chatter

A Chinese lad was at table dawdling with his pork and rice.
This upset his mama-san who reprimanded him in a trice!
"Clean your plate!  Children in America are starving, son!"
And she continued to berate him - her tirade had only begun!

"Your papa-san has a great job while dads in America are on the dole.
Our economy is booming while that of America is lagging, on the whole!
Papa makes good money to provide Americans with the things they need.
You should be very thankful for the jobs they send here, yes indeed!"

"Kids in America can't get a job even with a college education,
But, son, America will provide you with a job in any old vocation!
This is the land of opportunity, my boy, thanks to American capitalists!
You must appreciate all they have done for us Chinese communists!"

"Not so long ago your father and I didn't have a yuan to our name.
Now we have a house and brand new car - life will never be the same!
So I don't want to hear any of your sass or fiddling with your food.
Thanks to the generous Americans, they have lifted our nation's mood!"

"I want you to clean your plate and grow strong to follow in your dad's shoes.
Uncle Sam needs you to make TVs and shirts or anything else they choose.
No more lip!  Clean your plate! I want to see those chopsticks flying!
Think about the kids in America who'll got to bed tonight hungry and crying!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

I Feel Dirty

Why do I feel dirty all day and all night?
I bathe everyday. I do everything hygenically right
and yet 24/7 I feel like I'm all covered with grime constantly.
There's something definetly wrong with my mind psychologically.
It's probably best for all concerned to stay the hell away from me.

I know what you're thinking. This is all about guilt obviously,
but I can't for the life of me think of anything that should make me feel guilty.
Do you think this has anything to do with me slamin P D?...(aka also me). 
lol..lol...ha-ha, hee-hee! < That's me, aka also P D
laughing Our/My brains out insanely.
lol...lol...ha-ha, hee-hee!


Details | Rhyme | |

Adam And Eve And The Fig Leaves

Here's something I have been wondering
For so very long
If Adam and Eve wore only figs leaves
How did they keep them on

It couldn't have been a rubber band
And certainly not super glue
I just really have no idea
Do you have a clue

What did they do in the winter
When fig trees are bare
One leaf wouldn't last all year
I think there's a mystery there 

If only Eve hadn't eaten that apple
If only Adam hadn't taken a bite
I wouldn't be trying to solve this
And I'd sleep better at night


Details | Light Poetry | |

AMY WINEHOUSE-Should have went to rehab


They tried to make you go to Rehab...
you said...
                NO!
                    NO!!
                       NO!!!
Shoulda' packed your bags ta' Rehab...
you wouldn't 
                 GO!
                     GO!!
                        GO!!!
  
 boo-hoo hot-mess
        Wine-HORSE


Details | Verse | |

Enigma's Calling

Extraordinary, I am 
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding  the gift I shouldn't fought
 
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
My passion
The food of my soul
 
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
 
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
 
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When  my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
 
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart


Details | I do not know? | |

Mistaken For A Senior Citizen!

Ok, I normally keep my cool.
I rarely get THAT mad.
I wanted to knock her teeth out! 
Oh yes, it was that bad! 

I was innocently shopping.
Going about my day.
I was finished with the browsing 
so I headed up to pay.

This nasty, mid-aged woman
looked me in the eye
and what she said made my mouth drop
and made me want to cry! 

She asked if I ''get the discount''.
Of course I said ''I don't know, 
how do you get this discount? ''
and then she said...''Oh, no.''

''Forget it, I'm sure you don't.''
I knew what she meant then...
this woman was asking me
if I was a... SENIOR CITIZEN! ! 

It takes alot to get me mad
and I never ever swear
but, let's just say I bit my tongue
as I left that day from there! 

I told her she just ruined
what had been a decent day.
She gave a smirk and brushed me off
with little more to say.

Perhaps I don't look twenty...
this I will admit.
But, she was at least 60 
and looked every day of it.

How rude to ask a woman
when she's only 34
if she's a senior citizen! 
I won't shop there anymore! !


Details | Rhyme | |

Apple toffee coffee.

Sitting through this gloomy day 
I sit and stare and wait.
My mind begins to wonder still
with whats to come to date.

I sniff the air like a pack of wolves
in search of scent and smell.
My eye's scan round this dismal room
but its only me I tell.

So lets try something new this time
and hope its better yet,
I laugh at this my crazy mind,
I think he wants a bet.

Come on now this could be fun
you might just find a mate.
Let your fingers be your guide
and hope its not to late.

Well here we are the game at last,
he thinks he stands a chance.
What is it then this stench we have?
Or can you guess without a glance?

He tastes the air and fills his lungs
and shouts its apple toffee,
but he lacks a tongue to taste it all,
I plainly say its coffee.


Details | Rhyme | |

Carolyn

Carolyn Devonshire
Sunny day golden locks
Friends till the end or in hock
Cheery jewels and holly socks

Entertain us with your verse
Until they take us away in a hearse

Poetess the mostest and a lovely hostess
Holiday with a snowflake princess

Thank you for my lovely cheering wishes
Surprised me into a better day!!


Details | Limerick | |

Young Lad- Limerick

There was a young lad named Terry
Bottles of booze he would carry
Was stopped by a cop
The booze he did drop
Now he no longer is merry


Details | Rhyme | |

Call Me Insensitive

You call me insensitive,
But I don't believe that's true;
Because, you see,
It's all about me.
It's not about you.

You say your opinion doesn’t matter,
That I’ve no respect for your point of view;
But I do if we agree,
Because it’s all about me.
It’s not about you.

You say I’ve no compassion,
No feelings for your troubles or your blues;
But none of us is issue free,
And mine are all about me;
But…not about you.

A time old adage, 
“To thine own self be true.”,
Is all about choices you see.
My choices are all about me,
And, certainly, not about you.

So, when free or forced to make your choices
You’ll understand and know it’s true 
To decide what will or will not be,
Won’t be at all about me;
It will be all about you

But special moments confront each of us,
When what matters isn’t “Me”.
And while these moments are few,
They’re not about me, not about you.
For a time, it’s all about “We.”

Yes, “…no man is an island.”
Is a valid point of view;
But if it’s not about “We”, 
Then it’s all about me.
Sorry.  It’s not about you.


Details | Limerick | |

PamelaKaye

There's a gal named PamelaKaye
Her writing style, poetic buffet
A sweet Texas tart
Who has a big heart
And a buttocks the size of Bombay


Details | Clerihew | |

-ON -YOUR- DOOR -STEP

The Beggar`s Bowl

On Your Doorstep For Money Or Food

The Owner Of The Bowl Is Believed

To Have a Bank Account!

chipepo lwele


Details | Rhyme | |

Another Criminal Act

Before sentence is passed, please hear my plea
I promise to be the man that I should be
Don't give me death. Please be kind
I have a family I don't want to leave behind.

I was unaware at the time
That what I did was a horrible crime
So now I feel like a louse
Please don't kick me out of the house.

I know what I do now is totally right
I am surrendering without a fight
And with head bowed I know it's time
For me to pay for my crime.

From now on I will go straight
When I start snacking very late
The last thing I do after finishing my drink
Is put the damn dishes in the sink.


Details | Couplet | |

Garden Pests

'Tis another glorious spring and I planted my garden with the expectation,
That I shall reap a bountiful harvest for my table with minimum frustration!

I planted the usual stuff - carrots, radishes, onions and termaters,
Watermelons, peas, corn, beans and a few hills of russet pertaters.

With the Good Lord's help, lots of sun and occasional showers of rain,
The seeds sprang to life along with some curses that are my infernal bane!

I've discovered that I have a healthy crop of weeds that need attention,
And a host of other intrusive visitors that I'll proceed to mention!

I was dismayed to discover legions of caterpillars and mealy bugs,
Pruning my plants along with hordes of ugly snails and slimy slugs!

They're even being attacked from below by gophers and moles,
And from above by crows making diving sorties from the clothesline poles!

'Coons, 'possums and wabbits at raiding my garden are very deft,
And armies of well-disciplined ants are gleaning what is left!

I even caught some nasty little kids filching a watermelon last night!
I chased them but those little dudes took off with the speed of light!

With a storm of wind and hail this morn I saw all my labor disappear!
Come next spring I think I shall opt to sit on the patio and guzzle beer!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Joe The Plumber

Joe The Plumber announced he was runnin' fer Congress the other day!
Congratulations, Joe!  You the man!  Fer you I shout, "Hooray!"
Tell 'em like it is as you did with Obama - show 'em you won't be outdone!
And, Joe, take yer plumbers' kit - you'll need it to repair the damage done!

Include screwdrivers to tighten the screws on higher taxes and spendin',
And yer biggest wrench to shut off the flow of governmental lendin'!
Take yer solderin' arn so as to solidify warm relationships with yer peers,
And a pipe cutter to cut off zany filibusterin' that is tiresome to yer ears!

You'll need a hundred rolls of duct tape to stem the flow of inane babble,
And gallons of Liquid Plummer to unclog the stalemate of that useless rabble!
A good pipe wrench will come in handy to tighten the discipline in that 'joint',
And a twelve-foot stepladder to rise above that rotten mob to make yer point!

Joe, show 'em what real 'change' is meant to be with a new 'shower' of hope!
Flush political correctness down the john that's gotten us on this slippery slope!
Be sure to take yer roto-rooter and clean the sewer that is Washington, DC!
Use yer most powerful hose to flush the whole mucked-up mess out to sea!

Robert L. Hinshaw,CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Say something funny

Sir ! say something funny , the little boy said .
'Cause Mom is now dying and Daddy is dead .
Grandad has piles and he can't sit down .
Gran's on a bender , somewhere on the town .
The dog just had kittens , and the hen , she wont lay .
The toilet is flooded and the rent we can't pay .
My brother has acne ; picking pimples all week .
The goldfish can't swim and the budgie wont speak .
My best funny friend , just sits with a frown .
My frog has just croaked it , my last duck just drowned .
My Y~fronts need changing after 3 months or more .
I've got ire on my thighs from the skidmarks galore .
My red nose is running and my sleeve is green blue .
There's a hole in my sock and 2 more in my shoe .
Sister Sue's on the game and she's got a bad rash .
She's making the bucks , but spending the cash .
My invisable friend , disappeared late last night .
Saying , he must see a Shrink , I have made him uptight .
Our Priest got the last rites ; the new Vicar just sinned .
She breaks with tradition and also breaks wind ! 
But apart from  all that , things aint so bad .
My corns still flake and happyhour aint so sad .
So please Sir !  say something funny to unmask this frown .......

" GET LOST , you bad penny !! . I need a good ... long ... liedown ."






Details | Quatrain | |

There Goes Your Life

There goes your life
Ain't ya gonna get it?
It's gonna pick up speed
Ain't ya gonna stop it?

I don't know where it's going
But it doesn't look so great
I think you better stop it
Before it gets too late

I think you ought to slow it down
Before it gets in a crash
Think of what may lie ahead
And don't do anything else rash

There goes your life
I hope that it can swim
I hope that nothing too bad comes
Because of your sudden, stupid whim

There goes your life
You set it on it's way
Now ain't ya gonna catch it?
Or shall we close our eyes and pray?


April 2010


Details | Rhyme | |

The Cow Who Didn't Know How

There Once Was a Cow 
That Didn't Know How
To Moo 
Like Normal Cows Do.

He Took Lessons From the Duck
But Didn't Have Any Luck.

He Tried With The Quail
But That Was a Fail.

He Asked the Pig
Who was Really Quite Big
But Even He Didn't Know How
To Moo 
Like Other Cows Do.

He Asked the Horse
Who Was Brilliant, Of Course.
He Thought it Was Funny
And Said 'Go Ask the Bunny.'

He Tried and Tried
Then Was Hit By a Plow.
And Died as the Cow
That Didn't Know How
 To Moo
Like Normal Cows Do.



Details | Narrative | |

Making Lemonade

When you're walking Scuffling along in trouble's shoes Head hanging low Mumbling moody blues Well me, I'm making lemonade Why can't you Taking bitter adding something sweet Maybe a smidge, no a heap full of hope Heck, by days end I'll mix it up Movin' straight to, getting crazy in root beer floats When all you see is red Awful thoughts pound your head "Honey do this, honey do that" I'm sitting back Feet up, sipping lemonade again You look my way and say "Boy, he's got it made" Not so my friend I just taking my lemons And making me some lemonade instead There's so much "other time" To have your little gripes Or your petty cries But, now let's toast away the grind And partake in some lemonade on ice You've come this far "And guess what? You've got your health" Check your pulse you're still alive So change your ways Brother, embrace the lemons Squeeze fresh into winner ala mode And "live baby, baby live! in lemonade days "Ahhh ... such sweetness"


Details | Verse | |

Mum's Advice Ignored - "Don't Talk to Strangers!"

When I was young, an urban lass, and not gregarious,
I’d never dream of speaking to a stranger on a bus.

I’d sit, demure, my eyes downcast, and hope quite desperately
That none of those weird passengers would try accosting me.

But, now I’m “fair and forty” (ish!) I’m bolder, and what’s more,
I’ve lived so long in Somerset I’d clean forgot mum’s law …

Until I went to London town to see my student daughter;
She lectured me for doing what I really didn’t oughta!

“You shouldn’t, mum! It isn’t safe!” she cried, in some alarm.
“Some folk round here are really strange. you might have come to harm!”

I’m sorry I upset her, but  I carried on regardless.
I found most folks in London are quite friendly … even harmless.

Oh! I do love London Transport, and its camaraderie!
I had such fun, and lots of laughs and all completely free (!)

But now I’m home, I realise …
That weirdo, then,
Was me!!


Details | Rhyme | |

Mission Statement

To be faithful and true, honest and good, that’s anyone’s mission in life if they could
But I want to be rich, famous, and a fantastic celebrity
Then I could share out my wealth with those less fortunate than me.


Details | Clerihew | |

A Poet Named Gwendolen

I once knew a poet named Gwen Who challenged other poets to a dual with her pen With a gleem in her eye,and a smile on her face She wrote down some snappy words,in hopes of taking first place
*For ~Gwendolen~* It's what came to me at the time :o) I hope you like it? :o) Dan Kearley:1-20-12


Details | Light Poetry | |

Bearagroves and bully frogs

While cleaning house I over heard the Trolls talking down below.
There was to be a battle in the grove, between a bear and a Troll.
They said this would be the end, to beat all ends, as only one would win.
Well, I’m a mother… so this worried me… on how this would all end.

A Troll and a Bear… fighting…I feared nothing good could come of that.
So, I had to find a way to come between them, to stop them in their tracks.
I talked to the Trolls, who said: this was a thing they… simply… had to do.
In fact, they said they’d all go, and would cheer it on, till it was finally through.

They left when I wasn’t looking, and I had to be there to stop it… so I ran.
The battle would be in the Bear groves where the bully frogs all live.
First I tripped over a root, breaking my shoe, so barefoot… I continued on.
Then I fell into the creek, coming up with mud everywhere, all around.

Brambles caught my shirt tearing my sleeve, but I certainly, wouldn’t give up. 
I’ll admit, that Panic does some strange things, as I continued… to… speedup.
Watching where I was going would have been a really good thing, I agree.
But, I ran into the grove, a mad woman, with pepper spray in my grasp, you see.

Low and behold, I’d been wrong! There was a card game quietly going on.
The bears and the Trolls in their best clothes: and all sat there, giving a yawn.
It then dawned; this was a poker game of high stakes, which I had come upon.
The bully frog referees and everyone looked at me, like my mind was totally gone.

Actually, that’s probably right... Maybe, with worry… I truly had… gone mad.
Quietly I sat down, to watch the game… until the bear won it all… how sad.
Embarrassed, I tried to quietly sneak out: very quickly, you can be assured.
Low and behold, I ran straight into a tree… getting their attention, for sure.

Laughing hilariously, one of the Trolls picked me up, and carried me home.
He said, he was afraid for my health, should I be allowed to further roam.
They were right of course, but my mind will be better by tomorrow morn 
You’ll see… I’ll prove it… when my next new poem is born…


Details | Rhyme | |

Silly Billy Goes To The Zoo -



Silly Billy went along to the zoo Right after he had the flu That day the whole sky was blue And he carried along his teddy Pooh Silly Billy love walking to the park every day He love watching the clouds in the sky, Silly Billy was just a regular kid too And he had a lot of friends at school like you. Silly Billy best friends were Sue and his Pooh, So when his parents took him to the zoo, He was so happy to bring along his Pooh, And show him all the places to see. Silly Billy wanted to see everything in the zoo, Starting with: the bears, the tigers, and all the monkeys too. Silly Billy asked his dad to let him feed all the animals you see, But his dad told him, he couldn't do that, 'cause that was a wrong thing to do. Silly Billy loved all the animals in the zoo He was so happy to have spent there the day He had so much fun enjoying all the view His father promised him to bring back another day. Silly Billy went back home content with his Pooh, He gave a big hug to his mom and his dad that day; The day was still beautiful but was almost through Silly Billy smiled and looked up at the sky still blue. Silly Billy went along to the zoo Right after he had the flu Silly Billy went along to the zoo With his family and his teddy Pooh. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2007 October, 5, 2014


Details | Clerihew | |

Has it been a year already-I added a few more

As thephilosopher  readies for his p soup anniversary 
Remembering he found this place last Christmas Day
Surely the best gift he did receive
Now for some holiday fun, DON”T LEAVE

Denise Narayadu I can't end the line with her name
To mispronounce it with a bad rhyme would be a shame
Her writing has very much intrigued me
In her poems often it's myself that I see

Of Anne Lise Andressen what can I toast
She's in a contest of which Debbi G is the host
Of who Santa Clause is her knowledge has a lack
If she asked I could easily have told her it's Jack

I mean look at Jack, white beard, hair a jolly feller
If my put my original line here, I'd be locked in a cellar
Any American could mistake Canada for the north pole
It's cold, I've never been there and at times there's a lot of snow

Jack Ellison in his Santa role this time of year
Oh from the straight and narrow often does he veer
Constant approval from the p soup ladies, I know he smiles
If I was Santa his naughty list would stretch for miles

Andrea D secretly a hater of the Villanelle
That’s atrocious what’s my basis you say
She hosted a contest and a thousand forms she will allow
BUT a max of 12 lines leaves me saying CHINGADO

PD, the SWEETEST poet destroyer she told me
A philosopher asks how sweet a destroyer can be
The poet in me reads her work with much confusion
The imagery addicting but my understanding a delusion

Becca Lucas the girl who lost her muse
If she had schizophrenia she may have several to lose
However several other problems this would pose
If one of them was mean I may be a victim of her prose

FJ Thomas gave me the wonderful gift of the Fibonacci
She might deserve a song but my muse isn’t Liberace
She wrote the Art of Being Broken, a deep piece but not long
Did some guy really leave a comment quoting a poison song
 
And finally I will close with Richard Lamoureux
If you haven’t seen his clerihew read it TODAY
Quiet humorous, he pokes fun with affection
His first clerihew was a work of perfection

Yes on a few new names Wayland did call
Unfortunately he still hasn’t got to them all
Some he intentionally won’t mention
It’s Christmas Eve and he seeks no dissention 





Details | Rhyme | |

Where Has Dad Gone, Mama Dear

Where has dad gone, momma dear?
Hush, my little lamb.
Your dad's gone to the thicket dear 
And mad old Abraham

That man went early this grim morn, and took his sharpened knife
And with him took his own first born, to offer up his life
With servants and with firewood, both, they journeyed to Moriah
And on the hillside there they built an altar and a fire

And Isaac, when he heard the plan, went willingly, it's odd
That he should let that daft old man, so worship his cruel god.
Your father, he was passing by, and heard but could not see
And foolishly could not deny his curiosity

So closer did your father scramble peering through the thorns
Unaware of how the brambles tangled with his horns
Just to see a crazy man who planned to kill his kin
Your father did not understand the danger he was in

For then again that mad old man started hearing voices
His god was speaking to the loon and giving him new choices
And so his plan to slay the boy came about to falter
And Abraham, he took your pa and dragged him to the altar

But that was never fair, mama, can you tell me why
When Isaac he was all prepared and well prepared to die
And all had been decided on, so what cruel trick mama
Was played upon that grand old ram, who was my own papa?

Life is not fair, my little lamb, nor is it like to change
And fate plays tricks on all of us, both sinister and strange
So you take care, my little lamb, with this advice from me 
Do not visit places where you know you should not be

The moral of this story dear, is take heed of the odds
And stay away from two-leggies worshipping their gods


Details | Light Poetry | |

Learning to Ride..footle-mania

‘ Lil tyke
 New Bike
                                                                
Big deal 
Two wheel 
                                                           
A crash                                                                                                                         
Road rash
                 

Don't cry
Re-try

He rides
with pride!                                               

                                                                


Details | Free verse | |

Tale of Two Citizens contest poem to, too, two

Tale of Two Citizens

The pair of bi-sexual two-timing women left the duplex, too drunk to board the Twin Cities 2:22 .

Double crossed on the two way street, the duo fled New York, clutching the Tale of Two Cities.   


Details | Light Poetry | |

Singing in the Shower

I know of a lass by the name of Kelly McGower 
Who would sing like an angel when she took a shower. 
But when she finished and came out of the rain, 
It seems that her talents would wash down the drain. 
And if she attempted to sing one more note, 
Her voice would sound like a rude Billy Goat. 
Poor Kelly, to her singing was close to pure joy, 
But she’d never share it with Shamus McCoy. 
Shamus it seems was the man of her dreams, 
But to sing for him would be far too extreme. 
To invite him to hear her would set off alarms, 
And how could she do it without revealing her charms? 
So the poor girl wondered what else she could do, 
To gain his attention and to be loved by him too? 
  
Next door to Kelly there lived one Shamus McCoy, 
Nothing special about him, just an average boy. 
He’d stroll through his garden each night at the same hour, 
And wait for dear Kelly to start taking her shower. 
When her singing would start on the fence post he’d lean, 
Until sweet Kelly and his soul were both clean. 
For the sound of her voice would make him content, 
But for listening to her shower he felt the need to repent. 
So he got on the phone to speak with the Vicar, 
In hopes that absolution could come that much quicker. 
The Vicar grabbed his Bible to help save the boy, 
Then he went to visit the home of young Shamus McCoy. 
And while Shamus made confession to his lyrical love, 
The Vicar heard the sweet sounds from the window above. 
So transfixed was he by the sound of her voice, 
That he called out to Shamus to be glad and rejoice. 
He provoked Shamus into action to ask for her hand, 
So young Shamus made a purchase of a perfect gold band. 
  
Now Shamus is granted a concert each night, 
And the songs that she sings bring him delight. 
His love for his wife has made him complete, 
And she now permits him a front row seat. 
Still her modesty requires that he turn his face, 
Because the shower curtain is made of fine Irish lace. 
And there is not enough of it there to obstruct his view, 
So to honor her wishes it's the least he can do. 
He’ll protect her modesty when he comes to hear her, 
By turning from the shower and looking into the mirror. 
But the steam from the shower clouded up the glass, 
And obscured his view of this beautiful lass. 
So Shamus took action there was nothing more to it, 
And that’s how Kelly’s solo got changed into a duet. 
Let this poem stand as an explanation to the city as to why, 
The water bill at the home of the McCoy’s is so high.


Details | Rhyme | |

My Friend Robbie

I have a dear feathered friend who greets me each day at dawn!
He likes to dwell in and around the crab apple tree on my lawn!
From his perch he serenades me on wintry Colorado morns so drear,
Cheerily belting out trilling melodies that are so pleasing to my ear!

Oft I've wondered why Robbie Red Breast opts to winter here at all,
'Specially since all his friends flee these icy climes for Florida each fall!
While they bask in the warming sun enjoying cocktails of orange juice,
He prefers wintering here with me along with all its nippy abuse!

'Tis a wonder that the little creature can manage to survive,
Since there are no wiggly worms for him upon which to thrive!
Robbie doesn't worry - The Omnipotent Creator sees to his daily needs,
By providing an occasional hapless bug and a few wind-blown seeds!

I think that rascal relishes wakening me from my slumber each morn,
As he flexes his wings and sounds reveille to begin his daily bourne!
I'd rather be woken by him, tho', than the neighbor's yapping mutts!
'Tis certainly far more pleasant - of that there ain't no ifs, ands or buts!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Hodge Podge

A trickey question came up,
while some friends had a talk.
If a "fly" had no wings,
would you call him a "walk"?

Another thing that puzzled their minds!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he's considered "naked" or "homeless",
it would be real hard to tell?

The next problem, they wanted to solve,
but soon discovered they can't!
What to do if an endangered animal,
is eating an endangered plant?

They wanted to know what disease, "cured-ham" had?
Also, none of them could recall,
Why does rain "drop",
and why does snow "fall"?

Here's yet, another question,
they felt that needed clearing!
If a deaf person has to go to court,
do they still call it a "hearing"?

When you die and go to heaven,
they summised to their chagrin,
that you must spend eternity,
in the clothes, you're buried in!

We sometimes say "it's Greek to me"'
when in a state of disarray!
But, in the very same predicament,
what do "Greek folks" say?

Don't give up, we're often told!
But, there's one thing, that I don't git!
If someone says "all is not lost"'
then where the heck, "is it"?






Details | Free verse | |

Bending Spoons

 

...A poem
is a spoon
that you can bend
with your mind.

It depends on psi
if you 
are mutant 
X or Y 
a paranormal opportunity 
or a wild talent
of psionic penmanship .

Stare at the pattern 
on the handle
as you imagine 
the handle
either roses or unicorns
are emblazon here.

So much the better
as your mind
bends the words
and the metal obeys...

Spoon begins to tremble
there is no knife
to run away with.

Then comes
the period
like an empty plate.
to contain
a bent spoon
with squeezed letters...


Details | Free verse | |

JINGLE

Jingle!
She has a bracelet on    Hear it?
Jingle!
When she tells her friend how concert-hip she is it
Jingles!
Quaking little cupids. trolls and other creatures come together
   and they
Jingle!
On the brighter side, she's taking off her hat,
    but when she does it's tutti-forte
JINGLE!
I'm betting at the softest point of Weber's overture she'll
    consult her program and it will
Jingle!
Oh, damn!
Jingle!
It's in my ears    in my head    like Robert Schumann
Jingle!
Get a grip    The concertmaster has come on    takes a bow
    looks to see who makes a
Jingle!
The oboe sounds an A
Jingle!
The winds begin to tune
Jingle!
The brass have heard her song and laugh
Jingle!
Horns    trumpets    trombones give a mighty blast!
Jingle!
And here come the strings    all 62    pull there bows
    but still can hear that
Jingle!
Now    at last    her tintinnabulation's lost in thunderous
    applause    Maestro has come on
(Jingle)
I do believe he knows the lass
Jingle!
He throws to her a little bow    a kiss
Jingle! Jingle! Jingle! Jingle! Jingle!


Details | Rhyme | |

Good Luck Meal

A good luck meal on New Years Day, consists of many things,
They say it makes a difference on what the New Year brings.
I got to thinking ,wow, what luck, for the pig that gave that chop,
that i stuffed with the dressing and put sour kraut on top.
He wasn't very lucky as anyone could see, and when I served the black eyed peas,
they were staring back at me.
As if to say, "your lucky meal was bought with a great cost.
It wasn't very lucky for the pig whose life was lost."
To myself I wondered , How can I eat this meal?
I was thinking about that piggy, I could even hear him squeel.
I bowed my head and said dear God, I know this food is blessed,
Help us to be so thankful for that pig who is at rest.
So as I passed the food along I said in words so clear,
Thank you pig for being food for my lucky year.


Details | Rhyme | |

Thirtieth High School Reunion

We gathered for our thirtieth class reunion at Lydia's Smorgasbord.
I'd avoided such past events since in school I was largely ignored!
But my spouse proclaimed we would attend, thus ending that debate!
The dreaded encounter is expressed in verse below that I will now relate!

A social hour preceded the buffet where the booze freely flowed!
I looked about the room to see if I could spot anyone that I knowed.
I hardly recognized the campus queen - she had acquired a heap of weight!
That once haughty snob now tipped the scales, I judged, at one ninety-eight!

I saw the big-man-on-campus who was named most apt to score success.
He had a dearth of hair, an ample gut and an astonishing lack of finesse!
Some gal with purple hair staggered up to me and planted a slobbering kiss!
Must've been one of my old flames as I mused, "Now, who in hell is this!"

Guys gravitated my way boasting about this and that bending my ear.
They bored me with nasty jokes and trivia that I really didn't want to hear!
Of course I told all how great they looked, staring them dead in the eye,
And asking the Lord's forgiveness and crossed my fingers for telling such a lie!

The jocks were trying to impress one and all with their waning capabilities.
Most were hobbling about with canes discreetly masking their disabilities!
'Twas an interesting eve and the grub was great, of that there is no doubt,
But for our fortieth, fiftieth and sixtieth reunions, please include me out!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Kilroy Was Here

There was an elusive little guy often espied during World War Two,
And who he was and whence he came no one ever really knew!
He was a bald headed little feller with a very prominent nose,
And he always left the message "Kilroy Was Here" in very stilted prose!

You seldom saw his eyes and his hands were clinging to a wall.
Many G.I.s saw him in latrine stalls and in their greasy dining hall!
His origin and parting message are debated to this very day,
And no one has ever nabbed the graffiti artists who always slunk away!

He was portrayed in cruisers, battleships and even on submarines!
Kilroy's portrait was tattooed on the chests of a few diehard Marines!
'Tis said Hitler saw "Kilroy Was Here" and wondered what it meant,
Thinking it a secret code when found on American accouterment!

Kilroy became as famous as the mysterious smile on the Mona Lisa.
(I even saw his mug when I climbed to the top of the Tower of Pisa!)
Rosie the Riveter may have been guilty, if the truth were told,
Of tracing Kilroy's image on bombers, including the bomb bay hold!

Well, 'tis for sure we couldn't have won the war without the little guy!
Kilroy's antics lifted morale at home and overseas, that you can't deny!
But you haven't seen the last of him, for he is forever etched in history,
On the World War Two Monument in DC - how he got there is a mystery!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

For those a tad younger who may have never heard of Kilroy, go to your search
and type in "Kilroy Was Here" and click the Wikipedia notation and you will learn
more than you ever wanted to know about him!


Details | Rhyme | |

MPD is P D & Me

I am inflicted with MPD,
a mental disorder whereupon I live separate and unique individual personalities.
I am here to declare to all of you the truth (or I may be screwing with you maybe)
BILLYtheKidster is also The Poet Destroyer aka P D.
So in essence I CRUSHED myself basically.
I wonder what kind of comment P D, aka me, will leave yours truly, also aka me.
One thing's for sure, BILLYtheKidster, aka Poet Destroyer, aka P D
are all most certainly certifiably insane to a very high fun loving degree.


Details | Prose Poetry | |

The Ignoramus: Who Is Not Far From Being A Fool

When everyone goes east, he heads west to him, every dialogue is a contest comes into an interaction as the biggest then leaves agonisingly as the lowest. When he speaks, you know he is half-honest even though he truly knows, but not near the best. He always end up lost in the forest this simple fact, he cannot digest. The moment he shamefully fails the test he begins to manifest then becomes far from being modest and everyone around him, he treats like unwanted guests. Causing a general unrest as he unnecessarily protest. All over his countenance, ignorance crests not accepting defeat, he holds high his egocentric chest. Quick to make jest but correction; he equates to incest and disagreements, he always detest. We all have the quest to know and share the latest so as to add value to ourselves and self-invest which can be a cultivation to future harvest. But knowing it all is impossible and knowing half, believing to know all is ridiculous. Admiting not to know it all is the fairest but this is yet not comprehensible to him, to whom; to know is like a conquest. The wise keep quiet lest, they cause him to become the tempest and with every word, he neutralizes any palatable zest. Oh poor child! change or you'll suffer from everlasting molest where no one wants to visit your nest not because you are unblest but cos of the truth of your infest which now, is obviously clearest. It is good to learn my child and sharing is an attribute of Love. But run away from half baked lines or be humble enough to listen while they become fully whole. You were given two ears and one mouth hence talk less and listen more because an Ignoramus is always not far from becoming a fool!


Details | Rhyme | |

Insomniac's Lament

Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I’m feverishly counting sheep …
Hoping that the perfect number 
Rewards me with a dreamless slumber.

Envisioning the sylvan state, 
I close my eyes and concentrate 
On willing ev’ry fuzzy shape 
To leap in order through the gate.  

I trust they’ll form a proper queue 
And, decorously stepping through
In ranks of three for my review, 
Pass by my vision ewe by ewe.

But will they do this? Will they ‘eck! 
They’re making me a nervous wreck! 
They leap the hedge, and come back round 
And thus my counting do confound.

And then they dance! I swear they do! 
They link their arms and sashay through … 
They buck-and-wing, and twist, and spin,
Each sheepish face a saucy grin … 

And while these woolly matrons rumba … 
I’ve clean forgot the flippin’ number! 
So then I’m back to number one 
And wishing I had ne’er begun! 

Till, once more, frazzled and forlorn,
I’m wide awake to greet the dawn.



Details | Free verse | |

English Language - 1 - Repost

                                   I failed English in High School
                                  Could not understand the writing rule 
                            If I say, when it reigns it pores, people agree
              Yet when I write the same phrase people say what’s wrong with me  

             I before E (accept) after C less it sounds like an a as in neighbor or weigh
                               Where do the words foreign and sovereign (steigh)
             Do they stay with a goose among geese or with a moose among (meese)
             Do they live in a house with a scavenger mouse or something much bigger
                             Is there several (hice) with several scavenger mice


Details | Light Poetry | |

Utter Nonsense

One cold day, I was burning up
The rain outside was dry
The sunshine, mooned each falling star
Out there, inside was I

Reading, when I'm fast asleep
I saw no movement stand
I reached without and outstretched arm
to flick the fly that land

Bouncing, being very still
I thought it lively, dying
When up it sprang, just flatly
All it's energy, spent trying

Salt I sprinkled, as it poured
Atop, the underneath, it's belly
Finally flopping, to and fro
Then landing in my jelly


Details | Light Poetry | |

Buba Claus

‘Twas close to the day when Buba Claus,
His red nose and Bowie knife shining,
Would be off to fill the manly's hearths,
With bacon for their frying.


The ground was bare of snow or ice, 
The sky was clear of reindeer. 
But Buba Claus was loading his sleigh, 
Real high, with good stout Yule beer?
 

 
Buba Claus was out in force, 
His NRA cronies in tow, 
To fill naughty radicals stockings, 
With tiny bits of coal. 

 
Cigars dangled from their lips, 
A spittoon he placed by their feet, 
And, before the sleigh rose off the ground; 
They tossed in another side of beef. 

 
Each carnivore, they laughingly swore; 
Would have their fill this year, 
And Bambi blanched as He flew by, 
While Teddy Bears ran in fear! 

 
Over New Canaan His courses flew, 
Past the homes of vegetarians; 
And down their chimneys they did toss; 
The views of Libertarians! 


And when the last haunch was placed, 
Upon the spits of the mighty, 
His spat his cud of gnarly gum, 
Into the spittoon real tidy! 

 
Then he flew off with a Ho, Ho, Ho, 
And, not the ones for plowing  
Cause Buba Claus had his own ideas 
Of all Santa's sissy endowings!  


Details | Haiku | |

Hai-ku 1

Hai-ku

Hi, cute
High coo
Hai ,who?


S.Jagathsimhan Nair, 23 mar 12,
for Sidney~Lee Ann's 'Haiku from the heart' contest


Details | Free verse | |

Killing my Other Me

I'm contemplating killing my other me,
The one who fronts for the five figure manager at Ruby Tuesday for a job,
Struggling to tie loose ends, so my ends don't meet.
Strangers they are, Me and I, I and Me,
And there is a sharp turn ahead, 
So I can't see our future.
Contemplating offing that sucka!
An actor, he can accurately depict whatever you want him to,
A puppet for a crowd full of the wealthy and snobby,
And I, the weak minded puppeteer of financial slavery?
Broke brotha representa?
Am real.
Seriously contemplating killing my other me,
I mean getting him good for all the eggshells he left in the batter,
There's no way I'm getting cake!
I mean the ladies would dig I,
Maybe even marry a brotha, but me?
This dude falls back and plays chill for no reason,
While the girls are just teasing, begging me please come see!
He tries to wait, and play it smart, but the game ends before he begins...
I'm contemplating killing my other me,
He has no purpose, no drive, stuck on the side of life's highway with his hazards on,
Dormant, while my friends pass by,
I have no clue where I'm going, 
But I sit in the passenger seat while this fool puts nowhere in the GPS,
Stressed because I am me and he seems confident in us...
I trust the untrustworthy with my most valued possession,
Life.
So death should come to me...
And it will when i sense the urge to kill, 
But for now...
I'm just contemplating killing my other me.


Details | Rhyme | |

Oh, Lord, What Have I Done

The glamorous uniform looked sharp in the posters about town.
Recruiters convinced the lad to join the Marines of great renown!
Reveille called, sergeants screamed, another tortuous day had begun!
He cried, "Lord, have mercy on me! What in the world have I done!"

The giddy lad proposed marriage to his beautiful young miss.
She happily concurred and he looked forward to years of bliss!
Now he has a common scold for a wife and a paucity of fun.
He lamented, "Lord, have mercy! What in the world have I done!"

The president-elect anticipated the perks and leading the nation,
And the dream of his dubious promises sailing through legislation.
He inherited unemployment, recession, wars and things left undone.
He puzzled, "Lord, have mercy! What in the world have I done!"

Assailed on all sides by savages and with things looking grim,
The impetuous Custer found himself hanging on to a sagging limb!
His last words might have been upon nearing life's setting sun:
"Oh, Lord! Have mercy on me! What in the world have I done!"

When we near the end of life's treacherous and rocky trail,
And are about to enter eternity through that mysterious veil,
We are apt to reflect on things we've done or left undone,
By pleading, "Oh, Lord have Mercy! What MIGHT I have done?"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved



Details | Rhyme | |

The Yard Sale Syndrome

Shrunken sweaters, dusty ball caps
Tarnished silver, and hedge clippers
Pointed hat pins, gaudy jewelry
Faded jeans and worn out slippers
Greasy fry pan, wobbly table
Crates of dog-eared musty books
Tattered doilies, ragged Barbies
One brown old crock pot that still cooks

Rusty shovel, dented buckets
Ma's old apron, broken dishes
Dated calendar, crooked lampshade
Chipped glass bowl for all your fishes
Ugly painting, candle holders
One old bike for exercising
Broken TV, toaster oven
Doesn't work....it's not surprising!

What's the point?" our husbands mutter
While we fill the garage with clutter
I explain to him..."She buys mine, and I buy hers"
"What's the point of shopping stores??!"
"Now...don't you know the grass is greener?"
"OH GOOD!"  "She's bought my vacuum cleaner!"

Just then I point across the street!!
Another yard sale.....and we both shriek!!

He points at me and shakes his fist
But I'll just ignore and toss a kiss
And side by side I'm in a race...
Who gets there first will buy that vase!!
Whoopee!!!  I spy a broken chair...well, I can glue it!
Just hope she doesn't beat me to it!
Another point about my purchase
Perhaps I can use it for another purpose

    Oh No!!...he's found old tool collections!!
    And points at them with great affection!!

The point I'm making is simply this
Another's person's trash or junk, may soon become your bliss!


Details | Narrative | |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
stale.
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.


Details | Limerick | |

Barky Von Schnauzer

At the risk of being called “rabble-rouser,”
I think poor old Barky Von Schnauzer,
should practice his aim,
his master to maim,
in the back end of his very best trousers!


My hero I would call dear old Barky,
if he could just muster the stealth of a sharky,
and covertly steer,
right straight for the rear,
of that great big old bag of malarkey!



I think I should send Barky a big four leaf clover,
so his bad luck would finally be over,
he could retire his fame,
move away, change his name,
to Bowser maybe Lassie or Rover!


Obviously I have been driven completely insane by that stupid t.v. commercial!
Happy St. Paddy's Day!


Details | Rhyme | |

T'was The Night After New Years

(True story...!!)      
                                   ~
T'was the night after New Years, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings and tree stored away with a sigh,
Finished the eggnog, and the last piece of pie.
Me in my nightie,  while Pa fed the cat 
We had just let the dog out, and said, "Goodnight, dear, that's a wrap!"
Then we both settled down for a long winter's nap

When the phone by the bedside, cracked the silence with a clatter!
And I awoke in a daze to see what was the matter!
Neighbor Dan on the phone.....he needed some help!
I laughed when he told me, in spite of myself!
A cow's in his pool, so chubby and plump!!
He needed some help to haul out it's big rump!

Rushing over,...to my wondering eyes should appear
There's Old Bessie in water, her eyes full of fear!
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof,
Old Bessie was frightened, she had made a big goof!

Friends ran to the rescue, and went straight to work...
Taking care that poor Bessie wouldn't get hurt.
They put heads together and laid out a plan,
Getting ropes 'round Old Bessie as fast as they can.
Tied the ropes to Dan's truck, then gave him a whistle
And up came Old Bessie like the down of a thistle!
She shook from the cold like a bowlful of jelly,
So they patted and prodded, till she rolled on her belly.
Then off ran the cow, with relief and so merry,
Her cheeks a bit frozen, her nose like a cherry!

We were offered hot chocolate to warm up again,
Four o'clock in the morning, and it was time to turn in!
Our neighbor called out, as we got out of sight,
"Have a good year and thank you!! And to all a good night!"

                                              ~
That's how our New Year began,.... Country life is, seriously,....NOT boring!!
So you think, I'm way off track, mixing holiday stories?
The gift of friendship, where neighbors help their neighbors
What better gift for a Christmas, much better late, than never
Sometimes, Christmas shows up later.  It's no cause for alarm
The charm is often hidden, one you'll laugh about forever
_________


Details | Free verse | |

Duck

Shut the duck up
Or is it a goose
Always honking
Noisy creature
Shut the duck up
Aflax!!!
I knew that you would get in the last word!  

This is not meant to resemble 
anyone or anything..
Just written for fun!
My sense of humor has returned!

I have no idea what form it could be???

Entered into Andrea's contest...


Details | Free verse | |

My Lifes Dance (Baryshnikov would envy...NOT)

.
             S
                T
                   U
                      M
                   B
                L
             I
         N
              G 
  
        B
       A
          L
              L
                 E
                   T

       Broken 
             mis-steps
                       and 

           Determination.......


Details | Bio | |

hell was other...

hell was other
people’s lives, 
wayward wit and 
witless pride, 
played upon 
the green of life, 
until the light
was left to right,

hell was other
people’s thoughts,
fraught with that, 
that we applaud, 
aimless aims and 
limbless lots, 
the truth in truth 
we soon forgot,

hell was other 
people…


Details | Rhyme | |

A Few of My Suckiest Things with apologies to Julie Andrews

Stubbing my toeses and whiskers on women
Stepping on nettles and by a swarm of bees bitten
Bounded like hostages tied up with strings
These are a few of my suckiest things

White collared phonies and bills piled in oodles
Bad smells and poop felled from schnauzers and poodles
Old geezers who cry when the old swooner sings 
These are a few of my suckiest things

News from the presses with more stock value slashes
Cornflakes that grow soggy when in the milk splashes
Little wood splinters that felt like a sting
These are a few of my suckiest things

When the moon lights
When the glee sings
When I’m feeling glad
I stumble upon one of my suckiest things
And everything turns bad

<< REPEAT >>


Details | Burlesque | |

Satan in my Bowels

Satan in my bowels
All I can say is 'ow'
Cringing and churning
My biscuits are burning
I’m praying for relief
Some sort of lanolin leaf
Wondering why I wasn’t born
Before the devil had horns 
Squatting in the bush
Mourning my tortured tush
Asking when trees portend
Charmin is our friend
So if you hear me cry
Shouting Jalapenos must die
Remember that camping is fun
Except when nature’s on the run


Details | Limerick | |

Calamity At The Castle

The king and the queen in a boat
Started lazily out of the moat
When the king got aggressive
'Twas very impressive
To see that the king didn't float!



"



Details | Limerick | |

Don't Disturb The Hive

Run, jump, scream, duck, dodge and leap 
Try to stay on your running feet 
Honey in the hive 
The bees are alive 
Run, jump, scream, don't fall and leap!


Details | Limerick | |

Slams Destroyed Her Head

Slams Destroyed Her Head

She was slammed by slam poetry, boo hoo!
Some folks wondered about the hullabaloo.
When bombarded with dread,
Sad thoughts destroyed her head.
Now, she thinks she’s a blithering cuckoo!

© July 17, 2010
Dane Smith-Johnsen


Details | Limerick | |

Murder at the Prom

Murder at the Prom

Frankie Lyman shrilled his falsetto.
Gwendolyn Gould danced in stilettos.
So callously smothered,
they never recovered.
Poor little piggies, scrunched little toes.

©Kathryn McLoughlin Collins
March 11, 2012


Details | Free verse | |

This Poem Stinks So Badly it Doesn't Deserve a Name

This poem stinks.

It doesn't rhyme 
It doesn't do anything 
It has a little alliteration

well...

it will have some

because that's the easiest poetic element to incorporate 
and if it didn't have any poetic elements 
it would not be a poem 
but would be prose with 
randomly 
inserted 
carriage returns...

(are carriage returns extinct?)

and that would be dishonest. 

This is not a lying poem. 
That would be oxymoronic. 
It's a stinky poem.

And when I finish writing it 
I'm gonna print it out 
and tear it up 
into little bitty 
teensy weensy pieces 
(if I have enough patience to get that small) 
and flush it down the commode 
so it can join all the other 
excrementally effluential essences

(note the alliteration)

of all the other stuff that stinks 
almost as badly as 
this poem.


Details | Limerick | |

Sneezing Sneezing

I do not know from where and why I had
Caught this messy cold, one more woe to add
Sneezing, sneezing , I do my best
As the last, to enter contest
Because a placement  in Gwen’s won’t be bad.




By: S.Jagathsimhan Nair

For Gwen's Sneeezing Limerick,  Jan 10th,  12



Details | Rhyme | |

Gold-Trochee

If my horse on the race course
a winner for me
then the course for my race horse
makes me debt free.

So the beat of the mare's feet
makes me debt free
gold such a treat for this feat
a winner for me.


Details | Quatrain | |

First Snowfall

Snow falls softly late one night In the darkness it does bask I dread the job tomorrow Shoveling will be my task Beauty is in the eyes of the viewer I see nothing but giant flakes of work The trees all have snow on this first shower Dreading the day of a job using torque The pathways are snowed over All with a reflective white I want to get to bed soon For I know tomorrow’s plight I’m mesmerized by the beautiful scene Not a thing is without some wondrous snow Even though I sure do dread the next day I will put on a great, wonderful show This time of year affects me Seems to rub off some great cheer I will find a way to smile Though there’s snow up to my rear
Russell Sivey Form Quatrain-1st, 3rd, 5th stanzas have 7 syllables, 2nd, 4th stanzas have 10 syllables


Details | Rhyme | |

Cinderella Bites Back

Cinderella Bites Back
Joanna Davis


Once upon a story; in a fairy tail
lived a shy and lonely girl
who's friends were Mop and Pail 
She was really quite a clever girl,
but suffered hate and spite
until an invitation came 
and she wished with all her might

‘if only I could go to the ball’
she cried when no one was around
then out of a tiny hole 
she heard  the faintest sound
'Of course you can go to the ball
What makes you think you can't?'
'Just because that witch said no
doesn’t mean you shan’t!' 

'But my dress is in rags
My feet dirty and bare 
There's nothing in my closet
that I could really wear' 
‘Don't worry’ said the little mouse
for I know just the thing
By the time I've finished
you’ll have a wedding ring 

'Oh no’ said Cinderella 
that's not what I had in mind
I was rather hoping for a career;
a chance to serve mankind
The mouse thought for a moment 
sized up her situation
'It’s not a wardrobe you need
but an education'! 

So  when you read this story
or listen to this tale
about a sad and lonely girl
with a mop and pail 
Remember that the dream you wish
or star you hope to find
has always been there with you,
tucked safely in your mind!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Condiment Love Triangle

salt says hi to the sugar
Who’s in love with the pepper
Who’s the one who left the mustard
Who misses the ketchup
Whose kicks come from the hot sauce
Who truly loves the salt


Details | Rhyme | |

Only God Could Love A Bumblebee

I think that I shall never see
A lovely poem written in defense of the bumblebee!
The ponderous and not so glamorous humble bee -
Obviously dreamed up by a senatorial sub committee!

An old stump that in summer becomes its deadly lair,
It flits about chasing little kids, settling in their hair!
It brandishes its fearsome stinger- its well-known bane,
And when stabbed in the fanny causes a heap o' pain!

It bumbles about with gossamer wings so delicately thin,
And upon its loutish face, notice that fiendish grin!
Such silly poems as this are composed only by fools like me,
But 'tis for certain that only God could love a bumblebee!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

With sincere apologies to one of my favorite poets, Joyce Kilmer,
for my parody of his beautiful poem "Trees"!


Details | Limerick | |

Well I declare

There was a young blonde from Stroud
Whose hair made her stand out in a crowd
Til my nail caught in a curl
I declare this ain't no girl
her trousers were standing out proud


Details | Rhyme | |

"A Rose From Heaven Grows"

May we always address dis-complacency, the vacancy,
And remove all opposes, to our roses,............................................................(Acts 18:4-6)
Here at Poetry Soup, completing love’s 100% loop, in our soup,

For an authentic rose, from God it grows, always knows,
It’s own heart, from which it grows,

For authenticity’s, dis-complacency
Displaces a rose, from which it grows, then only heaven knows,
A rose, from which it grows,
Then it tis the mind’s dis-complacency, from it’s own heart,
Then does it’s part, hid from it’s own heart,
Redresses the rose, then rose begin an oppose,
To it’s heart, from which it grows,......................................(II Thes.2:3-5) Ego mind persona

A displaced rose, is still a rose,
By it’s own authenticity, it still grows,
As the heart, still does it’s part, from the very start,

For it  tis the mind, lost in it’s wilderness time, must realign,
With beginning of time, love of heart’s kind,
For it  tis,  redressing of mind, with heart’s beginning of time,
That undresses the rose, from it’s dress of the oppose,..........................(II Timothy 2:24-25)
For a rose, is still a rose, from whence it grows,
Not death’s oppose,

Like a tree, grows from inside itself, you see,
From an higher intelligence, to be,
That being,  from it’s own heart, it’s love of start,

Like a dog, is a dog, not a hog,
Tis  it’s central intelligent being, does it’s seeing,
Not it’s bureaucracy of fleas, hidden in it’s leaves,
Nor living in the hairs of your scalp,- Yeeeeeap!
Taking their ease, if you please,

As a nation, we have bureaucratic fleas, living in our leaves,
The fleas are in control, should a flea be so bold,
To tell the truth, tis growing old,

Should a parasite raise our taxes, should the parasites waxes us,
In our town hall meetings, try to ignore our pleadings,
And begin their elite minded proceedings, 
By saying we are criminals, and it they are the emeralds,
Tis our freedom of speech, being bleached,  under siege,
Should not even a dog own his own fleas, guys pleeeeease!

Our government is not a party to our rose,
They are opposed, to our rose, the fleas that grows, 
From the power of our rose,
In our leaves, if you please,
A parasite, out of sight, must take flight,

Tis their complexity, the hex, no flex, too complex,
Will bring our nation to it’s knees, so please,
Use your voice, of choice, 
Our fleas have become to numerous, to humor us,
Not a plus, but like a rust,
Our fleas in charge of us!!

9-20-09 johnmosesfreeman@yahoo.com


Details | Light Poetry | |

Delicious Delysia

*Comely n’ curvy
*Riddled wit’ scurvy
Good lord my oh me
She surly do be:

bawdy and bold
prancing and preening
shameful and shameless
spicy and spiteful
willful and witty
jaded and jammin’
funky and funny

Bitter with sweet
Sweet with sour
Knock me to my knees
Have mercy on me

the woman got know
the woman got show
the woman got soul…

For Delysia Hendricks


Details | Quatrain | |

Poets

Poets
Why is it poetry, is a like dirty word and talked of in undertones?
It’s like a naughty postcard, more flesh than there are bones.
Poets tend to deny their art, “I’m not a poet, I’m a rhym-er”
Come on you lot get stuck in don’t be a poetry two-timer.

After a glass of alcohol some may admit-“I like a little verse”
“But no I m not into poetry…” It’s like a speech they did rehearse.
Now poems I’m getting good at, but famous poets I don’t know any
Don’t ask me if I’m a poet, because in wages I don’t earn a penny.

Now rhyme I am not bad at, but at free verse I would stink
As for haiku, senryu, and other forms, I stink I really think…
I listened to some so called poets; decry their art the other day
They denied their art while they listened, to what each other had to say.

Standing there with their poems held high, “I’m not a poet” they all said
Well get down from the microphone and let’s hear a poet instead…
They pass their poems around the table, like some black market currency
Not wanting anyone to see it, but they are at a reading for poetry.

So be loud and proud you poets stand firm for what you believe in
Tell them you are a poet, and just get used to all the teasing
I used to be a shy poet and I write verse with some frivolity
But the definition in my dictionary says “words with a pleasing quality.”

So now I am open to judgement from all of you wonderful poets
You have all commented on my work, but do you really know it?
You all have qualities that scare me, you really seem so clever
So can I finally admit to being a poet, from now on  and forever?	
~GG~ 27/09/2012
 




Details | Couplet | |

Preparing for Blastoff

*For Matt's How to Build a Spaceship Contest



How do we create an airship that soars?
The answer was Roswell’s, but it could be yours

Make the long trek to Area 51
To find secrets that lie beyond our sun

Use a metal that is lighter than tin foil
Load the fuel tank with something cheaper than oil

Beam us up, Scotty, to the Enterprise
And view technology through a Vulcan’s eyes

Defrost Walt Disney’s cryogenic brain
To help us design the computer’s mainframe

Call Mulder and Scully out of retirement
Their UFO knowledge is alien-sent

Be sure to use tiles that don’t overheat
Like those that cast Challenger down to defeat

Let’s add Stephen King to the construction crew
If “Christine” could talk, our spaceship should too

Then let’s send the tab for NASA to pay
What happened to our space program bucks anyway?

Now we can blast Congress into outer space
For the lot in D.C., there’s no better place


Details | Verse | |

Sockspeare Thou

Sockspeare, Thou!

Tonight I sensed the arts' demise
and thought of your indecent writ
that could be used to kill the flies
that buzz above your perfumed feet.

To liberate what's kept inside
you must allow yourself to dart
where inspiration poisoned died 
cause of your mindless abstract art.

But this is wrong! The muses went
(because your odored feet emit
condensed that deathly worn socks scent) , 
outside to breathe! Lickety split! 

Your mind, surprisingly, expressed
what could be taken for a verse
tormented nostrils were suppressed
their agonized intake was terse.

Your fans, inhaling the extrait
(those well worn socks let loose with pride)    
decided to command in verse
what should be buried cause it died.

They called it 'poem' but was known
that flies, somehow, became extinct, 
bystanders run to wear cologne, 
your Sockspeare theme, was thus succinct.

Those blackened socks you wore around
with plastic sneakers, bought on sale,
became the cause the fish have drowned
and deathly scents were to curtail.

Please tell us why thy feet perfumes
became the symbol of foot-prose?
Dug up feet-ology exhumes
what should be listed to dispose.

© 10-13-2013, G. Venetopoulos, All Rights Reserved
(Iambic tetrameter)
(funny, lol!)


Details | I do not know? | |

FAT

Fat!    As a kid
Well    I remember fat!
I always thought I was fat because
My brother called me “Pig!”
Pigs are fat    by nature
So I thought    “by nature”    I am a pig

At school I looked around the room
Saw I was the only pig
The rest were human
Humans  (I thought) are slender    even    skinny
When extra milk was given out
Teacher never selected me
Pigs    not being human    should be left out    so I thought
Pigs should     probably    be penned
In my mind I was surrounded by a white    board fence    my feet in mud
When the class sang songs    I snorted

When I was 10 mother made me go to Sunday school
The Sunday school teacher    a very good    kind    religious sort of man told us about 
GREED
How greed was a sin
I read    somewhere    “Greedy as a pig”
Being greedy is a sin according to the good    kind    religious man
Well?    GUILT set in
I carried guilt around    piggyback         for years    and     YEARS!
                                      THEN
In high school it finally dawned
I wanted a girlfriend
Pigs were out    humans were in!
I lost weight    FIFTY pounds!
Got me a steady girlfriend
Then    I found I really was a human
What a LOUSY thing to be!


Details | Rhyme | |

Whenever I can't Rhyme

Whenever I have writter's block, whenever I can't rhyme
this is what I do to fill my writter's block time.
I go and I annoy P D most of the time.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Birds and the Bees PG13

Yup, just like this. This is how dad told us about the wonders of life. No eye contact at all.

One day my father told his four sons to climb into the car,
He wouldn’t tell us where we were going just that it wasn’t far.

I sat in the front next to dad the other three sat in back,
Boys it’s time we had a talk about a subject that you lack.

I want to talk to the four of you about something that’s called sex,
Collectively we held our breath because of the horror that came next.

I am sure that you have started to notice there’s a difference in girls,
Their bodies are soft, curvy and round and their hair looks good in curls.

I promised that I had taken some notice, there was no need for him to fear,
Because I was now sixteen years old and had been dating for over a year.

Then this talk is for the benefit of the younger ones in the back,
Be helpful and sit quietly and don’t give me anymore of your flack.

This trip in the car with him was the longest that could ever be,
Then he asked, “Can you define ridged for your brothers and me?”

The only thing that I could imagine worse than his talk selection,
Was when he extended his left arm in order to demonstrate an erection.

It hung flaccid out the window but slowly it started to rise,
Until it pointed straight to the left, a stiff arm, hard on prize.

Out the window the visual aid of my dad’s left arm boner,
Made the guy behind us think that we were turning at each corner.

As we returned to home dad said that mom had found some books,
They had information with helpful pictures and we should take a look.

From this whole experience there was something for me to learn,
Sometimes I’ll turn to my wife at night and signal for a turn.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Gone Fishing

The snow so deep… That it was over our heads… Was a melting by the hour!
Give it a day, or two at most… and with this heat… it would all be gone, forever!
But in the meantime, we were sadly stuck, in mud, deep, within our own backyard!
The water couldn't run off fast enough; our backyard had become a swamp, marred!

Just then, low and behold my old Volkswagen bubbled up, thru the mud it came!
You know, the one, surely you do! Last year it had floated down the storm drain!
Now, low and behold something got out! OH WHAT I’ll never, ever, really know!
Said he was the REAL Swamp Thing, and tired of spring-cleaning his house, so…

He chained the car to a tree, as he hopped out. Said his name was “Gone Fishing”.
Said his Mama read it on a sign, and used it to name her sweet, baby, Swamp Thing!
But then, he saw our back yard, he shouted in delight and decided to visit for a spell! 
After all, it’s turned into a real swamp! And he’s the real Swamp Thing! So, Do Tell!

Dragon, the penguins, and all else, followed him straight, to the swamp so profound..
The penguins slid down the muddy slope, and followed the Swamp Thing all around.
But when Dragon tried, his weight got him stuck! We had to wench him, to the shore.
Mud became the name of the day, with mud and snowball fights going on, in galore!

Everyone was in seventh heaven, ‘Gone Fishing’ the same, as they slide, all about!
Fun ensued! For how often can he vacation about? Only once a year! No doubt!
After 2 days of fun, the snow was almost gone, so we cleaned them, as they played.
Yes, the fire hydrant was turned on! Dragon threw his Penguins, happily, into the spray!

That shot them almost to the moon above! The closest to flying they would ever be!
They soared then slide down the street. Even Dragon did play this time! How sweet!
But ‘Gone Fishing’ knew his vacation was up. So he waved a hearty good bye…
As he jumped into the Volkswagen again, and let it fly, and man, could that baby, fly!

It flew down the street, and back down the drain! Before our very own eyes!
That was the last time we saw the Swamp Thing, as we waved, a sad goodbye!
But next time it snows to mile high deep… as it melts, we’ll be looking for our friend.
Here lies our story of ‘Gone Fishing”. It’s real! Honest! To you, I’d never lie! I defend!

And I expect, where ever he really is now…  He’s ‘Gone Fishing’…THE END


Details | Rhyme | |

Ethel's Remedies

Her name was Ethel....(yes, like the gasoline)
She smelled of menthol...(much like Vick's Vaseline)
A long time neighbor, from down the lane
She was married twice...(or was it thrice?)...
A widowed lady, we knew her well

A bit disgruntled, and a bit dismantled
A bit unusual.....a bit disturbed
and most the time, seemed quite perturbed!!
And as a kid....of her, I feared!

So scared of her that when she came  .....Holy Moly, off I'd run!
And hide away..........'til she was gone!

She was a mix of ice.....a tad of nice....
But my mother trusted her sage advice
She had a cure for most everything....some seemed rather sensible
Some quite extreme!!!

The worst indeed..............(Please excuse my dilemma!)
She believed in the (OMG!!)   THE ENEMA!!
(Well....now you can see .....just why I hid!!)
And castor oil..............gahhhhhh.......how disgusting!!
Should only be used when parts are rusting!!!!!!

And an old rag wrapped and rubbed on your wart
Then into a hole.....dug out by the fort....
Yep!!  Now, why would a dishrag buried in the yard
Could have such power to rid.................................A WART??

Ridiculous notions....all of her potions......but...
Golly, Gee Whiz!    , I'll have to say...
That I've been wart free.........since buried rag days!!
Oh, Miss Ethel..............perhaps you were weird....
but you would fix a mother's fears...
Could you still fix-up all my own....
all of my fears....after all these years?
Just NO MORE ENEMAS!!! Please Miss Ethel..... 
                             Oh !! my dear !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Details | Quatrain | |

Poets Despair

I despair at writing poetry
I'm not sure I have the skill
Just can't seem to find the words
Or bend them to my will

It's hard to sum up what I mean
And make it sound succinct
So as a poet should I stop
And quietly go extinct?

Should I lay my pen to rest
And let it gather dust?
But something seems to urge me on
To write is now a must!

So putting pen to paper
I'll scribble just for fun
And maybe one day very soon
A poet I'll become!


Details | I do not know? | |

A Fish's Life

Swim
Eat.....poop
Poop.....float
Float some more
Sigh....stare
Bubbles.....stare
Smile.....I farted
Float


Details | Limerick | |

Hoover Havoc

There once was a witch in Vancouver
Who traded her broom for a hoover.
She encountered a glitch
When she turned on the switch
'Cause the hoover took off and pursued her.


Details | Rhyme | |

Feature Those Creatures Getting Ready

A misconception is the tale That we should dread October's spell It's time to wear your scary faces For cloudy nights, and creepy spaces! Mummies stretch by light of day Ghouls in shadows want to play Ghosts, behind the pillars, peek They practice wailing, tune their shrieks Spiders weave around the room A wart-nosed witch will mend her broom The cauldron cleaned with spit and shine Prepared to hold a drink of slime With tasty toads and wormy molds It boils steamy brew that's bold Graveyards readied, dark with gloom Bats in belfries wait for doom No need to dread the harvest moon All Hallow's Eve is coming soon They've all worked hard to be prepared Join the party, IF YOU DARE!! """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" For Linda Marie's Contest: Creatures of the Night By Carrie Richards


Details | Light Poetry | |

Emergency Rooms Just Kill Me -

Nurse: Briefly describe your pain
Me: Ouch
Nurse: On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?
Me: I dunno...where's your scale?
Nurse: No, no sir, on a scale...
Me: Okay!...180 butt-naked
Nurse: When was the last time you had a physical exam?
Me: Well, me and this lady went out the other night...
Nurse: We'll need a stool sample
Me: YOUR stool or my stool? I'll need a saw...
Nurse: We'll need to do some lab work
Me: I understand, it's hard to keep good help isn't it?
Nurse: Do you have a history of suicide?
Me: Umm...
Nurse: Are you having trouble urinating?
Me: Just a sec...nope, no problem here
Nurse: Sh-t!
Me: Just a sec...nope, no problem here
Nurse: Son of a...How many fingers am I holding up??
Me: Aha!...One in the middle and four bent ones, right?
Nurse: I swear to G... Sign this freekin' admittance form!
Me: Uh uh!...I deny the whole thing...
Nurse: (Sigh) Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Hospitals...


Details | I do not know? | |

Crows Only Pick At The Best Fruit

(A Co-worker)

Stop hatin' on me you ole crow,
Why don't you give me what you owe-
Me and that is respect you old coot,
Don't you know that I know that crows
Only pick at the best fruit,
It's as if you can see my future better than I can,
That is why you are acting like a twisted fan,
All out of control and down right vindictive,
Usually that kind of behavior is indicative,
Of someone who is jealous hearted and bitter,
Misery loves company and baby sitters,
I wish you would quit slandering my name,
You have had your fifteen minutes of fame,
Stop hatin' on me you ole coot,
Don't you know that I know that crows 
Only pick at the best fruit. 


Details | Epitaph | |

Floating.....

Wish I could have taken better 
Care of my body... 
Wish they could have stopped 
the cancer sooner... 

I'm just a spirit now, 
Floating over my own funeral. 

If I had my way, I'd pick another church. 
At least one that spelled my name right 
On the obituary. 

I wonder if they knew, 
That I truly loved Sonya, 
but married Adele out of convenience. 

Wish I could have told my brother, Kenny 
I forgive him, maybe he wouldnt cry so hard. 
Wish I could tell Aunt May that hat is too big. 
I wonder if Tara knows the deacons 
Are looking up her dress. 

Im just a spirit now, 
Floating over my own funeral. 

I wonder if the choir knows 
How much I really hate that song... 
Hope they know the Pastor's lying. 
I was not that good of a man.. 

That suit is not the one I would have picked. 
My body looks so much smaller, 
and that make-up makes me look too light. 

Im just a spirit now, 
Floating over my own funeral. 
Free from pain, free from it all. 

Wonder if they know, 
In spite of my short time on this earth...
i truly enjoyed it.
I truly loved it all.


Details | Limerick | |

The Birds and the Bees

There once was a bee named Betty
who waxed warm for her friend Freddy
after a smoke
she got a poke
Now Betty is married to Freddy.


Poet: Debbie Guzzi
Contest: Birds & the Bees

PS don't smoke and don't poke and you won't get pregnant!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Amiable Apathy

Please re-gift this poem to someone who means nothing at all to you,
Send it along with no best wishes to no one liable to sue.

It’s just a note in passing and it means nothing at all you see,
It’s only intended to be a message so they can hear from me.

It comes with no ulterior motives or agendas that are hidden,
Only a dose of frank indifference; all mean thoughts are forbidden.

We always send sweet thoughts along to the ones that we’re connected,
And for those that we just can’t stand, careful words have been selected.

But we always neglect the ones that have no aspects of our life to share,
So send this poem to them so that they can see just how little it is you care.


Details | Limerick | |

Heart-less

I once had a bold Valentine
who took me out daily to dine
he fed me cold beans
and now in my dreams
I gas him for wasting my time!


Details | Rhyme | |

KISS

Kiss saves and kills
Drop by drop KISS increases 
To form an ocean of EMOTION 
EMOTION in love billows
Around many pillows 
With PASSION it is POWERED 
You lose control over your EMOTION 
Your EMOTION now sets you in MOTION
To the journey of no return. 
You may ask, What is bad in it? 
The bad IN it is at the END of it!


Details | Rhyme | |

Mouse-Pig

I have a fat and furry friend
All pink and spotty black.
I grew him from some Camembert-
The smelly little Rat!

He is my very Mouse-Pig
For that’s his very name, 
Sometimes I call him Roger 
Just like his steptwin Shane. 

I like to give him all I can
Though humble poor are we.
I gave him a good character- 
2 slices for his tea. 

I love my little Mouse-Pig 
I love him like a pet. 
Sometimes I take him out for walks 
And sometimes to the vet.

I dare not let him venture far 
For fear he won’t come back. 
Last week he almost wandered off 
Without his packymac. 

‘You’ll catch your death- or even worse!’ 
I warned in worried tone. 
‘There’s things out there what likes to eat 
A Mouse-Pig far from home. 

‘Don’t worry Dad,’ he answered back 
In usual piggy chatter. 
‘If anyone should have a go 
I’ll cover them in batter!’ 

Then all at once, without a sound 
He sang with all his might. 
I’ve never heard a Mouse-Pig 
I said in wondrous sight.

‘That’s nothing Pa,’ he mouthed in tune, 
And leaping to his trotters
Declared as he flew flying off-
I’ll show those dirty rotters!’

‘Farewell my fat and furry friend,’
I bellied to the sky,
And turning one last time he squeaked,
‘I’m off to find my sty.’

And then he flew right out of sight, 
As far as I could see, 
And with a little shedding tear 
I went in for my tea. 


Details | Rhyme | |

THE TARANTULA BUILT A WEB

The tarantula built  
a web in the upper-left corner of my patio;
she weaved it perfectly as Antonio
rose on his wobbling feet to reach it.


That boy didn't know that 
spiders get vicious and suddenly bite 
when someone tries to grab them for spite,
and Antonio tried to pull it down with a tiny twig...
no, it didn't work, so he tried again with a long stick;
oh, once a garden spider got stuck into his mom's wig! 


" Antonio, put it down,
before it crawls onto your skin! "
The spider will bite you on the cheek
and you'll be doing the Tarantula Dance! "
I yelled by taking the stick away from him with extreme force.
" No, I like that spider...that's the one I want to keep! "
He rebelled with a grin, transforming himself into a beast.
" OK, you can keep it, but remember spiders creep! "
I warned him and told him to wear a mask and just peak.  


The tarantula built a web where rain or storms
never soaked it, and scorching sun rays
never melted it...how laborious she was in summer's long days!
We watched it going to and fro searching for food for her little one
as we took daily videos and had fun watching them!
After all, I realized that a spider is not dangerous...if left alone;
and Antonio kept his distance by warning other boys
that trying to catch a tarantula is a very dangerous game!


Details | Tanka | |

Phil

Leave Me Alone!

You Dragged Me From My Warm Hole!

It's Too Early!

I Can't Predict The Weather!

Put Me Back And Go Away!


Details | Rhyme | |

Retail Christmas 2

It's one week till Christmas
And we've had enough
Of grumpy old shoppers
Complaining about stuff.

They hate the line-ups,
They hate the cashiers.
They won't be happy 
Till they have us in tears.

The things they are after
Are long gone from the store.
They find it incredulous
We won't be getting more.

Last minute shoppers 
Are a pain in the rump.
Each night by closing
This place looks like a dump.

One more week to go,
I sure hope we make it
But in the meantime
We'll just smile and fake it.


Details | Free verse | |

VEXATION

The cessation
and alleviation
of the causation
of irritation 
is the clarification
of information
or the realization
the situation
in contemplation
is a manifestation
without liberation
except termination
of your fixation.


I wrote this in 2003 and it was the first of it's kind known at the time.


Details | Rhyme | |

Shameful Morning

not sure how she got here 
only know she needs to leave

underneath the stranger 
my arm numb; asleep, 
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry 

princess of night 
exposed by light. 
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess. 

bed broken
along with my will. 
I swore never again; 
the lie is half the thrill.

~JSLambert


Details | Limerick | |

Just Desserts For Unfaithful

.
  Any pretty woman turned his head
  He liked them all so it is said
  Then one day to his surprise
  They no longer caught his eye
   His sexual desire totally died


Details | Couplet | |

BIRD DREAMS

BIRD    DREAMS   

The worst nightmare would be if I
Was an ostrich, and (of course) couldn’t  fly.
The fly-guys sit around chugging bird-beer 
Boasting of chicks they’ve held dear -
And tales of diving and soaring -
But my earthbound tail is boring.
They exclude me because I’m absurd -
I’m not a real bird. . . . not a bird’s bird.
 

But if there was reincarnation later,
I’d want to be a penguin, a wearer
Of a smart suit like a posh waiter,
With a kick-ass name like Emperor.
Surely all would find the idea bold:
A story for other birds  to be retold.
Yes, my bird-cred card would be gold,
Enjoying  the  Antarctic  cold.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Details | Free verse | |

Fun games

Roll the dice and select a square
Move your counter over there
Oh dear me, She has won
These board games are just not fun.

So after long and careful thought
We play a game that can't be bought
The rules are clear, There are only two
If you win you ravish me, If I win I ravish you.

Well they're the rules and they are clear
So come a little closer dear.
You roll the dice , Its number five
My card says I must eat you alive

My throw reveals the number four
We must get naked on the floor
Then you roll the number three
Oh dear I must endure you twerking me.

A shake of the cup and the number two
I just can't believe I have to ravish you
Still more numbers to come of course
That's why I have the chocolate sauce.


Details | Limerick | |

While Close Dancing

On the dance-floor they did a zigzag
But he was an ol’ scallywag:
-	“If you feel something hard
-	Pay no regard …
It’s just my colostomy-bag”


Details | Rhyme | |

Poet's Fortune Cookie

Don't rip your heart open too deep
(All they'll see are the valves and the veins)
Don't puke out your guts in one heap
(All they'll smell is the rotten Chow Mein)


Details | Limerick | |

RETALIATORY REPERSUSSIONS

 A young fertile mother begat

Triplets , called Tim , Tom  and  Tat .

Great  fun  at  breeding .

Confusion  at  feeding .

When   she  found  there  was  no tit~for~tat ..


Details | Verse | |

The naked ramblers society

Wobbly bits , Hairy bits and dangly bits galore
So if you're feeling squeamish
Draw your curtains and lock the door
For today is the day in Yorkshire 
When the naked ramblers go on tour.

They will walk beside the railway line
From Settle to Carlisle
All their bits a bouncing 
For mile after mile 
You are welcome to join them
but you can wear nothing but a smile .

One of the guys must have fallen in a puddle 
I think his name is Jim 
Some things shrink when they're in water 
and you'll feel really sorry for him.
The lady garden of Hairy Mary 
Really needs a trim . 

One lady must be American 
Well her wobbly bits have certainly gone 
To the very deepest south .
She's spitting out tobacco juice 
From the corner of her mouth 
Her lady garden looks angry 
With that mass of ginger hair
Goodness gracious , She bent over
Now that really gave me a scare.

I hope I have inspired you 
So if you're feeling brave 
Pop into the bathroom
and give your bits a shave 
Then you can apply to join 
The naked ramblers society 
Don't forget to give me a wave
I'm the guy hiding behind the tree.


Details | Free verse | |

The Birth

Your presence within my sphere
Is utterly enlightening and true
It is nice to realize the blessings of life
Are the very words you engrave on my heart

I trust your heart is filled with gladness
Supported with positivity and gain
Terrestrial rains sh*t glitter at me
As bursts of chuckles saturate my brain

I am moved by a humorous plight
Of words flying like heroine-addicted chickens
Clucking and pecking at Charles Dickens

I have become this nonsensical buffoon
As my pride rises like an off-brown balloon
Only to deflate in a fit of guffaws and mirth

Ever since you appeared on this earth
There was an unexpected birth


Details | Rhyme | |

What a Way to Go

Of course it would involve making love
If I had to choose the way that I would die
Fornicating until my heart gives out
Is something I might like to try

The mortician might have a job to do
In trying to fix the smile stuck on my face
And the cause of death on the certificate
Might result in a little disgrace

But alas, my heart seems to last much longer
Than the other required part for this act
But I am willing to keep on giving it a try
And on that you can bet as a fact


Written for the "Die A Fun Death" contest.


Details | Limerick | |

Witch Bakery

There once was a witch whose pies
Were unique as to flavor and size.
When she opened her ovens
She delighted her covens,
With dozens of old crusty guys.


Details | Light Poetry | |

I HAD A LITTLE NUT TREE

I   HAD   A   LITTLE   NUT   TREE

I had a little-nut tree
Nothing would it bear
But a silver nutmeg
And a golden pear.
The King of Spain’s daughter 
Came to list me:
She'd heard about my little-nuts 
And simply wanted to see.                     
     
Her list was entitled  “little-nuts guys”
And there were guys she’d missed. 
Asked her  if it was a crazy-guy survey
Or an anatomical-query list.
She said, my young man 
I’ve never seen such a little-nuts display for free:
I’ll put you at the top of the crop,
You and your little-nut tree.

Well,  I love to win contests
And be in a top position;
Nothing gives me more pleasure,
Far beyond the competition.
But I’d rather be on her crazy-list and be kissed
Just like Jack Nicholson,
Than on her anatomical-list
And studied by a  freak-physician.
………………………………………………………….

NOTE
My apologies to all lovers of the original, traditional nursery rhyme.


Details | Rhyme | |

THE RELUCTANT BOOTSCOOTER

I s’pose you've heard of Tamworth and the shindig there each year, 
where country music reigns supreme and all its stars appear.  
They’re in the pubs and all the clubs and arcades 'round the town      
and Peel Street is just full of pics all strumming up and down. 
 
In years of late another breed of artists have appeared; 
Bush Poets with their rhyming verse, who are now quite revered. 
The Longyard and Imperial pubs and Leagues Club host a few, 
while golf and bowls clubs house more mobs and Peel street has them too.  
  
It happens that I'm one of them and have for six straight years 
performed to folk my style of verse -  The Laughter and the Tears. 
You make them cry, you make them laugh, you keep your tales true blue, 
for that is what the folk demand:  be Aussie through and through. 
 
Most folk they see us poets as the ocker type of bloke 
and know we see line dancing as some kind of flamin' joke.  
They stream to Tamworth each year and stretch out along Peel street. 
These hordes of blokes and sheilas with their fancy prancin' feet. 
 
They’re shapes and sizes are diverese, no two frames look the same, 
with fancy shirts embroidered with the place from hence they came.   
They tuck their thumbs behind their belts then line up in a row 
and when the music kicks on in they boot scoot to and fro. 
 
Each year they have this ritual, that really is a bore; 
They try to break the record they procured the year before. 
Like locusts they assemble and I watch them with disdain 
'cause surely they've got Buckley's chance of doing it again. 
 
[CONTINUED]


Details | Quatrain | |

Prelude to a Poke

I do not recall
The bravado with which I spoke
The titillating prose
Seduction’s prelude to a poke
You spoke of love
with a lust that I understand
your heart a bloom
your derriere met my hand
I pulled you closed
my eyes nearly met yours
your bosom winked  
thank God I wore drawers
Do you not see
that my passions are pure
a burning in my loins
for which water has no cure
We gazed upon the heavens
I wrapped her in the moonlight
I looked at the time
my prayers faded into night
We danced till dawn
I had answered her romantic call
I whispered sweet somethings
Before her foot procured my fall


Details | Free verse | |

POWER OUTAGE

POWER OUTAGE

I should say outrage!
My favorite T.V. show
Blacked-out just like (snap!) that
Wind was like a hurricane
Scared hell out of the cat

Whole trees blown over
My house dark as Asa’s tomb
I’m feeling my way
Stumbling on familiar things
Cursing the maddening gloom

Think of olden days
Young Abe reading by hearth side
Chuck sails by moonlight
Hot water heated on the stove
Long before Ben Franklin’s kite

What a hardy brood
Those ancient folk must have been
We should be ashamed
Radios    televisions
Millionaires playing sports games

Time to offer thanks
How lucky we are   oh Lord
(snap!) Electricity!
Thank you Lord    power restored
Maybe they’ll have a rerun 
 


Details | I do not know? | |

Kristin Listen!

Hello my friend,
Hope all is well
This is your bud,
'Ol tom bell
You might wish
To read this poem
"Bad Day at the Eyedoctors"
A true tom tale
And shows what a fool I be
So check it out,
And you'll see!


Details | Free verse | |

Death

How would you like your death announced?
 In joyous bells, sweet song through the town
 or a solemn dirge, sung in an otherwise quiet church?
 Don't mind me much, it's completely your choice
 but I must make a sale you see.
 Whether they throw flowers and toast to your glory
 Whether they dress in black and weep til morning
 it makes no difference to me
 
If the fanfare isn't your thing
 obscurity is always an option
 But an ego, such a fragile thing, can't bear it
 A forgotten grave where moss makes its home
 too melodramatic for me
 Alas, you humans are so strange
 There's a ticking
 Can you hear it?
 It seems your time is fast approaching
 
So what is your choice
 poor soul so close to the end?
 Is it joy?
 Is it sorrow?
 Or a darkness with no light?
 I don't mean to rush, but there's the sake of my sale
 What's left for you to mend?
 And the reaper will not be kept waiting


Details | Ballad | |

Across the Way - The Sequel

Another day and the dishes have piled up yet again
So back I end up in front of the window 
I do not glance up, but concentrate
On the dull, dirtied objects before me
I do not hear the voices from yesterday
I still wallow in the grime of gray
I smile in malcontent
As I lather the dishes with soap
Against my will, I look up 
To see a lone, fat man opening a refrigerator
He is shirtless, bulgy, and he looks pregnant
My first supposition is to laugh
But I only look back down at the dishes
Not wanting to stare at the fat man
Not wanting to think he looks pregnant
For sure not wanting him to be my neighbor
Across the way

Against my will again, I look up
The fat, pregnant man is gone
I see ornaments on the refrigerator
Some pictures, some magnets
Family; not so different from my life
But yet, there is a transparent fancy of mystery
A flashy rage of difference in the silence
Oh, so quiet
The blazing sun sprays its light upon the hour
Not only are my hands wet from the soapy water
The deafening tone of quietude
Revels in me a mixture of loneliness and physical heat
A burning desire for something not seen
A desire for utter disgust of my newly found neighbors
But I find myself not disgusted at all
Until I look up again and see a fully naked man at the window
Across the way


Details | Limerick | |

Who Cares

Mama wants to talk of birds and the bees.
Wonder why she wants to tell about these.
I know that birds sing
And honey bees sting.
I'd rather fly my new kite in the breeze.


Details | Rhyme | |

Pink

Pink is fizzy and sometimes puffy.
Like cotton candy, it can be fluffy.
But, did you ever stop to think,
What if there was no color pink?

For instance, chewing bubble gum
Would be so boring and ho-hum,
‘Cause it is no fun either way
Blowing bubbles in white or gray.

What would we call our finger and toe?
The smallest ones we have - you know.
Instead of calling them our “pinkies,”
We would have to say they’re “dinkies!”

The arrival of new baby girls,
Wearing cute dimples and little curls,
Would mix up storks’ deliveries
With only little blue blankies!

You’d dance the polka out of step
And likely lose your perk and pep.
Your feet would tangle up in knots
Not sporting those pink polka dots.

Dropping coins in a green piggy bank,
Would sound real dull, more like a clank.
So you might as well save your dimes and nickels
In a big jar of sweet crunchy pickles!

Iced animal crackers wouldn’t taste the same.
We’d call spumoni by another name.
And dreaming of pink flying elephants
Would be more than just utter nonsense.

So, imagine this-
When something strikes your fancy
And makes you feel good inside,
You couldn’t be tickled pink, but turquoise.
Now, that’s just plain hue-icide!

But it’s certainly not at all too late
For you to decide this color’s fate.
There’s no need to get too distraught-
I’ll leave you with some food for thought:

The next time a pink grapefruit squirts you in the eye
And stings when you blink and makes you cry,
Just take a moment to stop and think
How much you appreciate the color pink!


By Sue Burd © 2010


Details | Couplet | |

Twenty Quid Is Twenty Quid

Bill and Blanche set off, to the 'Yorkshire Show' they did go
T'was a yearly trip, and they would always show.

Each time Bill says to Blanche ‘On that elicopter I’d like to ride.’
Blanche always replied’ but it's twenty quid Bill’ and then she and Bill sighed.

'Twenty quid is twenty quid Bill, you always told me that'
‘Tha’s right me old love,’ and he’d give his wallet a pat.

The next year Bill looked, at the elicopter, and he tried once more
‘I’m seventy-five Blanche, there not much time left for me to soar.’

‘Bill, it’s twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid.
So we’ll not go on the elicopter ride, of that idea you must get rid.’

Bill looked at the elicopter and agreed twenty quid was twenty quid
Of that one idea though, he could never really get rid.

Bill was desperate to ride on that elicopter whirring thing
The pilot overheard the couple, and then he made Bill’s heart sing.

I’ll take you on board, but not one word must you say
If you keep TOTALLY quiet, not one pound or penny will you pay.

Bill and Blanche climbed on board ,for the ride of their life
Not one word did Bill utter, nor his terrified wife.

The pilot looped the loop, he dived and twisted and turned
Not one word did the pilot hear, yet even his stomach churned.

He landed and spoke to Bill and he said ‘I am impressed’
I twisted and I turned and I really tried my best.

Bill said to the pilot ‘Well I nearly gave in lad, and I nearly spoke’
‘Twas when the wife fell out, but you know us Yorkshire folk.’

I watched her spiral down; I nearly shouted, but thought that’s absurd
‘And tha knows twenty quid is twenty quid lad, and you said NOT one word.’

©~GG~17/11/2012
Taken from a joke sent to me by Jack Horne and continuing the theme Harry uses of Yorkshire Humour.
Quid Slang name for pound sterling
Yorkshire folk drop their 'h's


Details | Free verse | |

Hodgepodge Poetry

Off the rocky Mountain cliff , I Dove
I’m flying  toward the lake like a Dove

Underwater I saw the largemouth  Bass 
Singing in soprano, alto, tenor, and Bass

To Maid Marion Queen of Sherwood , I Bow
I will bring home dinner, with my arrows and Bow 

The Adventures of Robin Hood which I just READ
There are so many great classic novels I want to Read


Details | Rhyme | |

Walk Softly


I love the way you walk in your stilettos
The clickety click sound of your heels 
The seductive sway of your hips 
And the luring gaze that appeals

But when you walk softy
That is what I love the best
As your stilettos cover new territories 
Across my bony chest

Oh the view my Soupies the view
Of man’s weakness I do stare
But never trust a woman in stilettos
As your bit lay unattended and bare.

Uhhhhhhhh!


 I am the Mad Poet. For Debbie Guzzi.  (I never enter contests to win.)


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Wind in my Mind

The wind is blowing through my mind
Not gently breezing through.
It ruffles my thoughts and jumbles them
It will take time to file them anew
I like to file my thoughts in order
Of good ones and of bad
Its keeps things on a steady level
And stops one going mad

Happy thoughts are lifted
To the very fore
Memories of when we first met
You were sitting on the floor
The party was a bit of a flop
We left together and walked
And as we got to know each other
We talked and talked and talked

The wind is blowing stronger
The bad times it reminds
We split up for a lifetime
Well it seemed so in our minds
You persevered and asked me out
I decided you were true
My memory of our wedding day
And how happy I was with you

We had a little flat and furnished it with love.
The trouble was we were ground floor
And the water came in from above.

I look back through some memories
All tumbling in the breeze
The hard times the fun and laughter
The winter of the big freeze
We booked a holiday that year
The best time we ever had
I know it scared us half to death because I was so bad.
It’s a pity I missed part of it as to hospital I went
The baby we were having, to be born he seemed hell bent.

The wind is blowing on my head, now I fight with it for real
It’s just ripped off the shed roof, it looks like it’s been peeled
I better shut my memory box and find my hammer and nails
And fight with wind that’s blowing outside and stop my reminiscent gales.



Details | Ode | |

Quips My EX GIRLFRIEND revisited


     1.   My ex-girlfriend tried to impress me when
          She told me that she is "Fasting"!  And I knew
          That she was true because, I saw just how
          Fast she ate that basket of chicken.......

      2.  The next time that she told me that she was "Fasting"
           It was three (03) double meat Whoppers!  And I have never
           Seen three (03) double meat Whoppers go so quicK......

       3. My ex-girlfriend was so upset!  She explained that when
           She was young that she could bounce a dime
           Off of her butt.  Only now, when she bounce the same dime
           It only flops!
         
  So, I looked on the bright side and told her that now she can
           Bounce a quarter on her belly button and it only drops!

         4. The last time that I saw her, she was "Fasting" on a
             box of cookies.
          
          * And boy, those (03) box's of cookies sure went fast!



Explanation: That is none sence and no one got fat in the making of this pun!
           
 
    4. I just hate it when my ex-girlfriend call's me!  Usually I keep my
       cell phone on vibrate and in my front pocket. My EX-friend
        Know's this.  She also, know's that I have a bladder problem!  Every time
        she blow's up my phone it make's me pee!
        I know that I hate it, but she give's me such a warm feeling and I take
        what I can get!
                                    

     5. My ex-girlfriend is so stupid that she can't ever give me a piece of
         her mind!  She has to get an substitute..... Ha! Ha! Ha!   He, He, He!

      6.My ex-girlfriend, She alway's cut me short!........  She wanted to give 
         me a piece of her mind, buy, she didn't have enough brain cell's left! Ha! Ha!
         Feel the Joke! Uh!

EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS?

       1.  When you "Pass Gas" and you know you did........
            And no-body heard it........ Is it proper to wait for someone
            to smell it first, before you say, excuse me..........
            Is it really too late....... That is what my girlfriend doe's!

       * I would just blame it on a friend!


Moments To Share:

       My ex-girl friend and I were discussing a poem that I wrote! She told
       me that it was an perfect oxymoron.......

       I told her that she was just a moron!


Words' To Live by:
       I was trying to explaine my mis-giving's to my EX-girlfriend......
       I told her that the problem was, not that I really love you, because
       I don't!  The problem is that I just can't get you out of my mind!


Details | Rhyme | |

Granddads Book

In my quiet times I often try,
To remember places I've been.
To recall folk I have passed by,
And sights that I have seen.

There is nothing wrong with my mind,
Sometimes my memory is quite refined.
I think it's filled over many a year,
With so much junk, nothing seems clear.

So, I made up my mind to write it all down,
To recall it all caused me to frown
It started like I was in the dark,
A memory flared, I was in the park.

That day in the park was just the lever,
I found my mind was as good as ever.
Tho' times and places got out of line,
I wrote it all down, now wasn't I clever!

I'm nearly at the end of my story,
A journey I'm glad that I took.
For my grandsons to read in years to come,
I'll call it Granddads Book.

© Dave Timperley 2012.


Details | Rhyme | |

The shortcomings of genius

Athletes of intellect ponder difficult questions
Cortex’s quiver to cerebral suggestions
A genius theorises with a deepening frown
Well, how come my toast always lands face down?

Quantum conundrums confoundingly dreary  
Cynical scientists dismiss a new theory
A mastermind clutches his head in distress 
Well, if a crab has no shell, is it naked or homeless?

Wisdom, the child of mental ability
Science, the offspring of cranial agility
Empirical evidence so hard to collate 
Well, why does sour cream have an expiry date?



Details | Rhyme | |

I wish I was a poet

I wish  I was a poet
a surgeon of verse many would know it
how do they express the sublime
with graceful words that don't even rhyme
it's amazing how they do it
I marvel at the beauty of a poem's spirit
maybe I could even write a  poem
should it be jagged or should I flow it
I don't know I'm trying to think
I'm getting closer I'm on the brink
here it goes, it may be lame
but I write this poem just the same
the words aren't graceful, yes I know it
I'm  still wishing I was a poet


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Weighty Problem

The little thrill as the wave’s ripple in
Making the hairs stand up, on the surface of my skin.
The kiss of the sun with its warm breath so light
As it soothes my skin with warmth and delight.
The sand rolls around where my hands touch it soft.
The water rolls back and forth carrying pebbles aloft.
Setting shells down with rolling grains of sand 
Making minute rivers run from the fingers of my hand.
The blue of the sky so pale and so pretty
On the horizon I can see the outline of the city.
Birds bob on by walking in the sand,
Not caring that I’m there lying on their land.
Curiously watching me, little eyes darting here and there
Watching for what, I don’t know or care.
A tiny emerald green beetle scuttles on past 
Taking no notice of me, but from the birds, rushes on fast.
The sun is setting; it’s time to go back
The tide has come in but it needs to get back
The coastguard come out and asks so polite
Please can you move, the tide needs to leave tonight.
You have laid there so long, blocking the way
Can you please go back - so the water can flow away?
The ships need to sail and the trawlers come in
But you are blocking the way as you are not that thin.


Details | Free verse | |

My Love I'm not Cheating

My love...let me explain this situation,
I had no intentions of cheating on you.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
You saw me with her and it meant nothing,
I just held her for a moment in my hand.

Your skin glows like the moons reflection on water, 
She looked anorexic sick...and pale green before vomiting.
Your scent’s like liquid caramel whenever you move.
She smelt like salty...sweat on a hot day.

My yearning heart throbs to your sloshing voice, 
And I salivate to the sound of your name.
The evening flutters like butterfly wings.
I am calmed by your taste that I carry into, 
The twilight of my soul and hold dear to my heart. 

I’m filled with hope, may I dry your condensation tears,
That steadily stream down your plastic face?
I didn’t mean to make you cry...my love.

As my taste is satisfied, it reminds me 
Of your moistened contents when I first met you.
In the hush of night, hearing you psss... turns me on,
My taste...buds leap to my mouth‘s palate. 

I wait in the moonlight for your secret 23 flavors, 
So that we may merge as one, liquid to stomach.
In the search of glorious satisfaction, 
Of having my life...moistened by your touch.

Please believe me...she means nothing to me.
I just held her in my hand for a moment,
I’m loyal to you with all my heart and soul,
My lips never touched hers, I promise.

I would never switch to Mountain Dew.
I’m in love with you and only you,
Satisfy my life with your liquid...love.
I longed to hold you in my hand,
You...my Dr. Pepper...come here let me kiss you.
I'm in love with your cool and refreshing taste.........ahhh.


Details | Free verse | |

not me two cats and a mangy dog

the rain fell 
outside 
dogs and cats
Sunday 
was late in coming
rolled over in bed 
played dead

until a red 
long haired cat
named Fred
sat 
on my head
and my face 
turned red

then a stray 
mangy yellow dog
named Yellow
decided to play 
with me
chased Fred away
and decided to stay

his body heat 
was hot
and I rolled over in bed
until a cool fat black cat 
named Frank 
chased Yellow
outside to the riverbank


Frank the cool fat black cat 
started to scat 
at the top of his range
at the edge of my bed
his blues 
went straight 
to my head

then Yellow and Fred 
returned 
with guitar and bass
and played backup
to Frank
while I played the bed
to save face

it was all 
going swell
until my neighbors 
who didn’t like our chops
banged a different tune 
on the wall
and called the cops

they broke down
the door
and took away us four
along with our instruments 
less the bed of course
into a paddy wagon 
we sped 

it was in a cell 
with a cot
that we realized that we were hot
to trot
and started our prison band called 
not 
me two cats and a mangy dog


Details | Free verse | |

Paradise In A Dream

Paradise In A Dream

There is so much weighing me down
The daily toils of doing what others want
Screaming kids fighting all day long
Another four hours of Dora The Explorer
Trying to cook dinner with nothing in the cupboards
Every member of the family wanting something different
Hot dogs for the youngest
Mac and cheese for the little girl who won’t eat anything
Cheese steak sandwiches for the adults
There is a fashion show on the TV for my wife
The basketball playoffs can wait for another day
I haven’t seen a Celtics game in more than ten years
A fuse blows in the middle on the evening
Those basement stairs were not meant for a man my size
Finally the time has come for a peaceful sleep
Until my daughter finds a monster under her bad
Screaming and crying while I scare the monster away
I close my eyes as the moon rises
The witching hour when the dead rises
My dreams take me away to a paradise
The tropical sun tans my half naked body
Naked women chase each other on empty beaches
No kids, no wife and no fashion shows
Too bad morning and another day has to come
Too bad that I love my wife and kids
Otherwise I just might stay asleep


Details | Sonnet | |

Happy Birthday Jenny (Kyrielle Sonnet)

Happy birthday to you Jenny
Hope your big day brings you plenty
Keep a bright smile all the way
Your mom sings your praises today

Soon you will be driving to school
Don’t forget to follow the rules
Enjoy your day with a buffet
Your mom sings your praises today

Happy birthday to you Jenny
Don’t forget to save your pennies
Wish on a star on your great day
Your mom sings your praises today

Happy birthday to you Jenny
Your mom sings your praises today

© Joseph, 8/20/2007
© All Rights Reserved

This is for the the daughter of our own poetess, Kathy.

The Kyrielle Sonnet is a French form from the Middle Ages. It has 14 lines (three 
rhyming quatrains and a non-rhyming couplet). It has a repeating line or phrase 
as a refrain in the last line of each stanza.  Each line within the Kyrielle Sonnet 
has eight syllables.  There are times when a French poem links back to the 
poem’s beginning; therefore, a common practice is to combine the first line of 
the first quatrain and the refrain in each quatrain as the ending couplet for the 
poem.


Details | Couplet | |

Kitty's Revenge

(The kitty hanging in overalls shown for Francine Roberts' contest 
inspired this one but it won't be entered in the contest.)


Just wait 'til I get my claws on the jerk that left me hangin' here!
You suspend me in these ridiculous overalls and then you disappear!

You would never do this to your darlin' pet, that pugnacious pug,
That slobberin' slob, that arrogant beast, struttin' around so smug!

So, I broke that fancy vase and ripped the curtains with my claws.
This ain't no way to treat a pretty kitty - this really tightens my jaws!

If I ever get down from here, I'll take pleasure in seekin' revenge!
On this awkward situation you've put me in, I surely will avenge!

I'm gonna leave hairballs all over the place - on your favorite chair,
And on your fancy couch and in your food, you'll find my silky hair!

I ain't gonna catch that mouse and I hope he eats all your cheese,
And that you become so allergic to me that all you'll do is sneeze!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Lyric | |

Polynonsensicalamorous

I'm polynonsensicalamorous;
For me,
Romance is calamitous,

I woo and charm,
And raise some alarm,
When I try to arouse,
... By flexing my arm!

Some days its almost ridiculous,
Whatever I do, 
It's frivolous!

So I dress to impress,
But I'm always despairing,
When I walk through the door,
I hear: "What are you wearing?"

They told me love was fabulous,
If you want the truth:
It's strenuous!

When I try to hit,
I always miss,
That hug I got,
...Should've been a kiss!

But if all is fair in love and war,
I should keep trying until I score,
And maybe one day I will cease to fuss,
If only I wasn't...
Polynonsensicalamorous.



Details | Light Poetry | |

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Tums

My wife and I went for a cruise in the Caribbean Sea,
I decided that I would talk like a pirate ‘till she got sick of me.

I told her that I was going to steal a look at her treasured chest,
Or get my hands on her booty whichever I liked the best.

And if she’d shiver me timber I told her that I would swash her buckle,
She didn’t think too much of my offer but it made me start to chuckle.

I twisted one hand into a gnarled hook and even fashioned for her a peg,
I kept it up until, “Please stop this pirate business,” she began to beg.

But it seems I had an enemy trying to thwart me on the cruise,
A buffet line or my beautiful wife, which one would I choose?

And then they fired their big guns at me from the dessert buffet table,
The carbs took the wind from my sails until my libido wasn’t able.

When you sail the sea with a fork in hand your love life will be fleein’,
Try your best not to surrender yourself to the pie plates of the Caribbean.


Details | Free verse | |

Tick Tock - Itty Bitty

crepitus announces itself annoyed
at my impudence  as I climb the stairs
it speaks the language of stop, I don't

flatulence trumpets my presence
luckily no one is hear to breathe deep
another dead language of age

the sounds of decomposition make me smile
for even they can fill a blank page


Details | Ballad | |

Epitaph to a Happy Mosquito

T'was a warm summer's day, when I took to the trail,
to cruise that old black spruce, way down in the swale.

A gallon of bug dope was strapped on my hip,
which I figured would last me for most of the trip.

Down through the sphagnum I plowed like a moose,
a huffin' and puffin' and spittin' my snoose.

Then off in the distance, I heard a faint roar,
like B-29's coming home from the war.

The sky clouded over, so you barely could see,
"They're mosquitoes! "I cried, and they're coming for me.

They flew by me once and past me again,
a-flexing their stingers, before they moved in.

I grabbed for my bug dope and spread it on thick,
just hopin' and prayin', it would do the trick.

They came at me fiercely and punctured my hide,
But before they could drink much, they dropped off and died.

I thought to myself, "What type of bug dope is this?"
The mosquitoes all had smiles on, as they lay there in bliss.

After checking the label, I saw my mistake,
t'was the 100 proof whiskey, that Uncle Jake makes.


Details | Rhyme | |

Green Eggs and Gooseberry Jam

Heckle and Jeckle, jellyroll jam,
Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth.
Little kids like to eat green eggs and ham;
So do you – now tell me the truth!

One fish, two fish, red, white and blue fish,
Old glory is waving on high;
A moss-covered, three-handled family cradunza
Might suddenly take to the sky.

Tiddly-winkle little starfish,
In a show starring Bullwinkle Moose;
Rocky the Squirrel shares raspberry jam
With Old Mother Hubbardy Goose.

Goosey Lucy and old Turkey Lurkey
Hiding out in the Wise-acre Wood;
Lambchop takes tea with his jellyroll jam,
While jammin’ with Johnny B. Good.

Humpty Dumpty, coddleston pie,
Three little Pigletty pooh;
Jam up jelly tight hot cross buns,
Magpies eat jellybeans, too.


Details | Lyric | |

A Cubicle Wish

I wish the world was made of cubes,
Four flat sides and a top ~
For I cant stand the slippy things,
That tend to slide or flop.
From piles of paper falling down 
Upon my dirty floor ~
To odd shaped bottles and fans I have,
Like one gigantic junk drawer.
But if the world was made of cubes
sitting in neat stacks ~
Then things would not fall over things
And this place wouldn‘t look like crap.


Details | Quatrain | |

Beyond Salvage

An old herbal gard’ner turned bard
dedicated and well-versed
now works his pen from his backyard
in plants and poems immersed.

His choice nouns engender meaning
cleverly minted with scents.
Rare verbs gingerly gleaning
from time’s savory essence.

Somewhat focused on composing
but nettled by a drizzle;
unexpected down-hosing
causes his brain to fizzle.

Lo! His inspiration now gone
like the ink upon his page.
Mrs. Bard calls from the lawn
“I just watered the sage.”


Details | I do not know? | |

The only one

                                                        The only one

My heart hopped,
Or I should say ‘stopped’,
I was shocked,
Because with me, he talked!

It’s me, the only one,
Whom he chose,
I’m the luckiest one on the earth,
It is like he has given me a red rose!

I was surprised, he’s so cute!
I stared at him, my voice mute,
It was like I was on cloud nine,
As if we were going to dine!

I was fully filled with glee,
The other girls did envy me,
He’s the handsomest, of all men,
And I said, “Yes, you can take my pen.”


Details | Verse | |

A crumb of cheese

I am a mouse
From my house
I can spy......
A huge piece of cheese
Well its huge to me

I am a cat
From my mat
I can spy.....
A crumb of cheese
Wheres that mouse, I cannot see

I am that mouse
Waiting patiently
For that cat .....
To take a nap
So the cheese i can trap

I am that cat
Going to nap
Go ahead mouse ....
Go take the cheese
Eat in your house

Cos I am a tooo lazy cat and much toooo fat that loves to nap.
Cheese is yuck and so are mice, so neither entice.


Details | Rhyme | |

THE RELUCTANT BOOTSCOOTER [CONT'D]

But somehow they have done it and you can't help but admire, 
the pluck of these boot scootin' folk ... they never seem to tire. 
This year the faithful came again though couldn't help but doubt, 
no matter how they wanted to their run of luck was out. 

The M.C. kept on calling out, "All register now please. 
If we don't keep the record folks it could go overseas." 
The comment cut just like a knife.  I thought, “you man or mouse?” 
'Cause, what if they were just one short?   You'd really feel a louse.  
 
The more the M.C. made his plea the more it gnawed at me, 
until I cracked and ran on up and paid the flamin' fee. 
I stuck my ticket on my shirt and joined the middle row 
and wished they'd kick the music off and get on with the show. 
 
My biggest fear was if my mates were watching in the crowd. 
They'd never let me live it down.  The M.C. cried out loud. 
"It's time folks," and the music played.  I thought I'd take a punt 
and pranced along by following the tall chick there in front. 
 
Then when the music stopped at last I made a quick retreat, 
relieved that I had not been seen boot scootin' in the street. 
We broke the record once again and felt real good deep down, 
but please don't tell me poet mates -  they'd run me out of town! 
 
 
Each year as I've sat in front of Grace Bros. Store at the Tamworth Country Music 
Festival, performing our show and selling our product, I have observed the ritual of 
bootscooters gathering in Peel Street to break the record for the largest number of 
bootscooters gathered in one place. A record they have broken annually for some years now 
in the Guinness Book of Records.  Each year I have grappled with the thought - what if 
they were short by one? - so I had to tell the story.


Details | Limerick | |

Lord Harry's Front

Old Lord Harry put up a good front.
He hid socks in his pants as a stunt.                        
But, his Lady swore
as argyle hit floor
that no organ was found to be blunt.



6/17/14

It seems some did not get this poem so a wee bit of 'splaining is above for all you Desi Arnez fans.

Definition for 

FRONT - noun the side or part of an object that presents itself to view or that is normally seen or used first; the most forward part of something. [i.e. the front of his pants]

FRONT - noun in a military sense the front is the FIRING LINE
FRONT - a fake or false personality

This poetic devise is called a double entendre [a play on words]- a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

ORGAN - is also being used this way - The human penis is an external male sexual organ - as well as a musical instrument made of pipe

ARGYLE - a pattern composed of diamonds of various colors on a plain background, used in knitted garments such as sweaters and socks.

or ARE GUILE - someone who is sly or cunning 

even the word BLUNT has another meaning here since a BLUNT sword would be of little use


Details | Verse | |

Octave-CHOOSING CAROLYN

I'm stuck in a puddle of mud,
unable to make a quick decision...
whom should I choose from among 
others who have been so noble and kind?
More than a name comes to mind:
Linda, Carrie, Deborah, Catie, Rhoda, Danielle, Charmaine and Karen... 
please don't be envious if I choose Carolyn!
You all are beautiful sweethearts, and I wouldn't sell you for a song!


After my day closes in, I check my soup mail...and there they are
those wonderful names flashing on my computer's screen,
and dazzling like precious gems in a crown! Many more should be
mentioned, highly praised and underlined with a marker:
Andrea, Emy, Joyce, Constance, Iolanda, Elaine, Laura and Carol.
One thing I can attest, nobody is greater than the other,
because they all have captured me as I have caught butterflies
with features so distinct and feminine as heroines of modern times!


Carolyn, be dazzled and feel proud, if not hysterically happy;
and if my choosing is fair, why should there be any contention,
or envy among them...I am pretty sure that they have secret admirers,
who in the same manner of awe and respect, constantly worship them! 
Cheer up ladies, I have mentioned you all in my praise poem,
but only one gets this special rose...I hope they will send yours today!
I love you all as I love Carolyn for her honesty and graciousness,
then why don't you congratulate her and deepen your admiration?


My praise poem is dedicated to Carolyn Devonshire
living in Florida, USA


Details | Rhyme | |

DIVINE JUSTICE

Young Father Murphy, Parish Priest, 
he rang Archbishop Moore, 
advising him he suddenly 
had taken rather poor.  
"I'll not be fit for Sunday mass 
as I'm confined to bed, 
I'm hoping please your Eminence 
you'll do it please instead." 
 
"Good Father Murphy say no more, 
for you should never doubt, 
the willingness of love my son  
to help a brother out. 
So have no fear, your flock is safe, 
I’ll shepherd it with love 
and while confined you should confer 
with him who is above." 
 
Then as the cock crowed Sunday morn 
good Father rose in haste 
and gathered all his golfing gear, 
there was no time to waste. 
He parred the first and second holes, 
his cheeks were all aglow, 
when up in heaven Gabriel saw 
the sinful priest below. 
 
He took the matter higher up 
for justice must be served. 
The LORD said, "I've been watching son, 
it's not gone unobserved." 
The third it was a par three hole, 
so Father gave it some, 
his ball it lofted in the air 
and Murphy holed in one. 

Poor Gabriel he just looked in awe ... 
the LORD sensed he was vexed; 
How justice had been served that day 
had Gabriel quite perplexed. 
"Dear Gabriel it may seem to you  
the priest has gained the most, 
but when it's said and done my son, 
to whom will Murphy boast."


Details | Narrative | |

The 100 mph Goat

These two guys were out on a bird hunt
Suddenly they came upon a pit
Looks deep said one; I’ll throw some rocks in
And see how long it takes them to hit

Never heard the rocks hit the bottom
OK, I have an idea, said one
I saw an old transmission back there
We’ll hear it hit; it must weigh a ton

They worked hard dragging that transmission
Then they pushed it down into the pit
They listened intently for a noise
So anxious to finally hear it hit

Suddenly from the brush behind them
A Goat emerged, running to beat sh..
One hundred mile per hour bee-line
Ran right between them into the pit

They looked at each other “dumb founded”
When a farmer drove up in his truck
“Have you guys seen my goat around here?”
One hunter said; “You’ve had some bad luck”

“A goat just ran straight into this pit
He looked like he was on a mission”
“Well, that sure couldn’t have been my goat
My goat was chained to a transmission”


Details | Rhyme | |

The Squabblesons

During their courting days into her limpid eyes he would gaze.
When in his arms his many charms set her very soul ablaze!
The sweet nothings once whispered when they would bill and coo,
Became table-thumping screaming matches once they said, "I Do!"

BEFORE:  My dearest one, you take my very breath away!
AFTER:  I feel like I am suffocating - now get out of my way!
BEFORE: You have a divine figure akin to that of a Grecian figurine!
AFTER:  You there, with the beer belly!  To call me obese is obscene!

BEFORE:  I can hardly believe we were lucky enough to find each other!
AFTER:  I can't believe I ended up with someone like you! Oh, brother!
BEFORE:  Honey, I don't have much money but I promise to get you some!
AFTER:  Take a look around this dump!  Go and find a job you no good bum!

BEFORE:  Tonight it's a show and then to the Ritz for oysters on the shell!
AFTER:  Fish sticks with beer and wrestling on TV again tonight! Oh, hell!
BEFORE:  Without you, my darling, it is as if time was standing still!
AFTER:  This relationship isn't going anywhere except straight downhill!

BEFORE:  Sweetheart, our marriage will always be one of equal partnership!
AFTER:  You are nothing but a controlling, egomaniac you big drip!
BEFORE:  On our fiftieth wedding anniversary you'll still be my bride!
AFTER:  Well, we finally made it to our fiftieth but it's been a rocky ride!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Light Poetry | |

Somewhat Twisted Thoughts of the Day

If love is a game I need a referee
If sex is a game I want instant re-play
I played the game of life but fouled out
Life stinks (Forgot to take a shower his morning)
Just my luck, life was but a dream and my alarm went off

Does a bear sh-t in the woods? (Don't think Polar Bears do)
When pigs fly, my windshield's in BIG trouble
The egg came before the chicken but some fool sat on it
I want to fly like an eagle but I have a fear of heights
NEVER venture outdoors when it's raining cats and dogs
Maggots began the tradition of getting married in June

She told me to go fly a kite but the take-off was rather chaotic
Two neighbors gossiped over an electric fence and were shocked at the news
If you need someone to lean on make sure they don't have Vertigo
A new cemetery employee is often assigned to the graveyard shift
A harried and harassed mother accidentally threw the bath water out with the baby
Due to inflation, every time it rains it rains, quarters from heaven
I took the money and ran but ran into an old friend...



Details | Couplet | |

Thief in the Night

I bought all the candy for Halloween night, 
Into the cupboard, it sat in plain sight

When later I looked, I just about flipped!
I saw empty wrappings, the bags were all ripped!

The treats were all missing,...so back to the store
I bought several bags, at least three or four.

Now back in my kitchen, I climbed on a chair
To hide them up high on a shelf that was bare...

Behind an old crock pot that he'd never use...
But would you believe, he discovered my ruse?!!!

The big night arrived and much to my grief
The candy had been eaten by that darn sweet toothed thief!!!!

The door bell was ringing, trick-or-treaters had come
I ducked out the back door, and fast did I run!!

Right back to the store, I flew like a witch...
The clerks heard me cursing, like a grouchy old b - - - -!

The store had no candy, sold out every piece
No Big Hunks, no Snickers, no Hersheys or Reese

I bought bags of apples.... gave them out in disgrace
Every kid on the block had disgust on his face

The next Halloween, I'm not buying ahead
I'm a last minute shopper for the candy, instead..

And to all you folks, who buy treats in advance
My advice to you all, is don't take such a chance!
Something else you should learn, from this frustrating tale...,
Next time you buy candy, attach some loud bells!!

------------    P.S.... (A Moral to the story, for an evening so gory).... 

                   He was licking his chops, while he had his sweet binge
                   But goblins were watching, ........and took their revenge....
                   That Halloween scrooge...Mr. Thief in the Night
                   He chipped his back molar, as he took that last bite!!





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted for "Funny Spooks" contest
Sponsored by Carol Brown


Details | I do not know? | |

A PRETTY PEWTER POT

Patty Potter bought a pot of pewter.
Yes, Patty Potter bought a pewter pot.
Patty Potter paid a pretty penny
For the pretty pot of pewter Patty got. 


Details | Verse | |

Invisible Ladies

Invisible ladies! You see them ev’rywhere,
In sensible raincoats and Margaret Thatcher hair.
Standing at bus-stops, watching the bus go by:
Waiting at crossings,
Letting the traffic splatter mud in their eyes …

Invisible ladies, all in their “middle years”.
Invisible ladies:
No hopes, but so many fears …

   SO polite! So ladylike!
   Just don’t mind us, don’t make a fuss … Wouldn’t be right …
   But deep inside, there’s such a rage …
   You’ll catch it too, this vanishing plague
   Called MIDDLE AGE!

Invisible ladies … shopping bags all akimbo:
Moving like zombies, each in her private limbo.
Pushing a trolley at ASDA or Sainsbury:
Examining prices,
Searching for bargains – ever more desp’rately …

Invisible ladies, choosing the longest queue …
The one with the baby:
Babies, they’re visible to …

   SO polite! So ladylike!
   Just don’t mind us, don’t make a fuss … Wouldn’t be right …
   But deep inside, there’s such a rage …
   You’ll catch it too, this vanishing plague
   Called MIDDLE AGE!
	
Invisible ladies! When somebody barges by,
Instead of complaining, they always apologise!
They oughta get angry, and maybe get pushy too:
Say, “HEY! Look AT me!
See, I’m a PERSON, really very like you!”

Invisible ladies, everyone knows one …
They live in our houses …
You probably call yours “MUM!”





(This is an anthem for all fifty-somethings - Chaps too!)



Details | Couplet | |

Nek minnit

I see you in the distance quite stunning are are to my eye's, I start to check you up and down I think an angel has arrived. Lovely slender legs and curvy little waist, nicely proportioned bust, amazing grace. As you slowly get closer my heart skips a beat, flicking your beautiful long brown hair so I can gaze upon your face. I quickly turn my head away, I just can't believe my eye's. That sexy attractive women I thought you were, Nek Minnit, your a guy.
Shame!!
Contest: ANY 2012 POEM any theme/any form max of 18 lines - Brian Strand
M.Mahauariki © 2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Pirates Cove

Water wives live sheltered lives
Amongst the coves where pirates rove

Daily catch is makers match
Where red hot stoves hide fresh baked loaves

Water men are thick and thin
So often strove where shipmates hove

Water child is often wild
The treasure trove where pirates roved

19Mar14


Details | Rhyme | |

Thanksgiving Cards

Should it happen that someday they're seeking struggling bards,
To compose witty verse for Hallmark Thanksgiving cards,
I think that I should like to summarily submit,
The following mots for consideration, TO WIT:

(1) Savor the oyster dressing, giblet gravy and thigh,
The sweet pertaters, green bean casserole and punkin pie.
Hope you have a goodly supply of sodium bicarbonate,
To counter the wrenching effects of all that grub you ate!

(2) To Grandma's house, hordes of kith and kin will repair,
For a delectable repast (after Grandpa ends his interminable prayer!)
May naught but love and fellowship dwell amongst you there,
As His bountiful harvest each of you gratefully share!

(3) The Thanksgiving meal is over, men folk watch ball teams battle,
While the women folk sit about the table engaged in idle prattle.
Mom's thoughts are elsewhere on how to deal with left over turkey;
She's a genius at creating soups and potpies, even turkey jerky!

(4) A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.
Relish this time together and have a ball!
And may all with thankful hearts ever lift,
Praise to Him, the Giver of every good gift!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Verse | |

Funny dreams

I have sworn off women 
but I can't control my dreams
Beyoncé and Rihanna are trying to corrupt me
At least that's the way it seems . 

The skimpy outfits they were wearing 
Took away my breath 
and on a winters night like this
I thought they might freeze to death.

They told me they would soon warm up 
and what they were going to do 
I know women have no stamina 
but at least I'm getting two.

Now I'm a confident sort of guy
With a very open mind 
but even I was shocked by their knowledge
Of a very carnal kind .

Then they started calling me Wyatt Earp
I thought my peacemaker must be so long, hard and slick 
Beyoncé said , Don't kid yourself honey 
Its because you shoot so quick .

Women .
Even in dreams they have to have the last word.


Details | Rhyme | |

Where is the Bathroom?

I had to find a bathroom,
A reasonable request,
I was all alone
And my bladder was quite stressed.

So I asked a man nearby,
“Do you know where a bathroom is?”
He merely shook his head,
And went about his biz.

I continued walking,
And sure enough around,
A woman with her children
Could tell me where a bathroom’s found.

She said, “I have no idea,
I’m busy you can tell.”
She fussed to shush her baby,
Who had just begun to yell.

I continued on my quest,
Moving with rapid stride,
When I found a large restaurant,
Surely, there must be a bathroom inside!

I went up to the waiter,
I said, “I really have to pee.”
Slightly irritated,
I decided to forego all pleasantry.

He said, “Oh, ours isn’t working,
Someone clogged it the day before,
But there is one a few blocks down,
About three or four.”

And so I hurried along,
Quite desperate to find the joint,
My bladder was close to reaching
Its natural breaking point.

I reached a tiny gas station,
Where the clerk mumbled to me,
“We do have an outside bathroom,
But someone lost the key.”

I turned and stomped outside,
I wailed out vehemently,
“How hard is it to find a bathroom
In modern society?”

A gentleman heard my plight,
And said, “You know, there’s a store—“
I interrupted, “Never mind,
I don’t have to go anymore.”


Details | Epigram | |

It was me!

There was a boy named Charlie who loved to climb trees.
You could always recognize him by his scraped up knees.

When his mother would tell him to come inside 
he'd climb up his favorite tree and hide.
 
You could hear the siren as the firemen zoomed through town.
They had, just had to get that little boy on the ground.
 
The people would say, "There goes Charlie climbing that tree."
They really shouldn't say that because this time it was me!


Details | Rhyme | |

A Dragon's Dilemma

What bad luck it was to be born in this land. A countless number of knights have stood to take a stand. Yes, through the years, there have been very large hordes. They all come after me with their armour and swords. At least one guy living in that castle is a liar. It is not true that I abduct damsels and breathe fire. With my long green tail covered with scales, I have been the subject of some lousy fairy tales. There is not one solitary moment I can have for my own. Why don’t these chivalrous clowns just leave me alone? Personification of a dragon


Details | Limerick | |

Snappers

There once was a Chick from the sea
whose two buxom breasts were set free.
Twin seaweed straps snapped
as thunder clouds clapped
and the sailors drown ecstatically.


Details | Rhyme | |

Who says romance is dead

Who says romance is dead?

What is this romance? Did it die as they often