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Funny Father Poems | Funny Poems About Father

These Funny Father poems are examples of Funny poems about Father. These are the best examples of Funny Father poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Couplet | |

On The Moon

Thea, grandfather Alferd's dog died, she was so old and sick
Now is Thea on the moon, says Adrian who is six

Michael Jackson died so unexpectedly and abruptly
He is on the moon and plays with Thea, says Adrian who is a big fan

Betzy, grandfather Arild's dog died, she was also old and sick
Now Betzy is also on the moon with Thea and Michael Jackson and play all day

Great Grandmother died so unexpectedly and abruptly
Adrian who is six had difficulty understanding

Adrian who is six cried many tears for Great Grandmother
but comforted himself with the fact that she is sitting on the moon and
makes waffles to Thea, Michael Jackson and Betzy.




04.11.2012
A-L Andresen :)  - A true story -


Details | Couplet | |

Millicent

Millicent Portia Ponsonby-Smyth
Could speak fluent French by the time she was five.
By the age of just eight she was top of her class,
There wasn’t a test that she couldn’t pass.
English and maths she coped with just fine
And quantum mechanics she’d mastered by nine.
Her parents were proud, but a little concerned
That she’d never have fun if she stayed in to learn.

Her father said, “Millicent go out and play.”
“But father I’m reading so here I shall stay.”
“Being so clever is great there’s no doubt,
But once in a while you need to get out.”
She said, ”Pater, please listen I’m happy to study,
And if I go out there’s a chance I’ll get muddy.”

That very night she was taken off guard,
She discovered a sum that was simply too hard.
She stomped round her room in utter frustration,
She just couldn’t do this quadratic equation.

Gnashing her teeth and tearing her hair
She kicked out in temper at her teddy bear.
It flew through the air and bounced off the wall,
So she kicked it again before it could fall.

It bounced off her head and then off her knee
And suddenly Millicent giggled with glee.
She continued all night to kick it around.
For hours she kept it from touching the ground.
In the following weeks she practiced some more
And saved all the money she earnt from her chores.

She went to the shop, bought a ball and some boots,
And learnt how to dribble and learnt how to shoot.
Every day after school she went to the park
And practiced her football until it was dark.
She continued to study the books and the sport
And paid close attention to all she was taught.

13 years later Miss Smyth is delighted
She’s the first girl in history to play for United.


Details | Rhyme | |

Where Has Dad Gone, Mama Dear

Where has dad gone, momma dear?
Hush, my little lamb.
Your dad's gone to the thicket dear 
And mad old Abraham

That man went early this grim morn, and took his sharpened knife
And with him took his own first born, to offer up his life
With servants and with firewood, both, they journeyed to Moriah
And on the hillside there they built an altar and a fire

And Isaac, when he heard the plan, went willingly, it's odd
That he should let that daft old man, so worship his cruel god.
Your father, he was passing by, and heard but could not see
And foolishly could not deny his curiosity

So closer did your father scramble peering through the thorns
Unaware of how the brambles tangled with his horns
Just to see a crazy man who planned to kill his kin
Your father did not understand the danger he was in

For then again that mad old man started hearing voices
His god was speaking to the loon and giving him new choices
And so his plan to slay the boy came about to falter
And Abraham, he took your pa and dragged him to the altar

But that was never fair, mama, can you tell me why
When Isaac he was all prepared and well prepared to die
And all had been decided on, so what cruel trick mama
Was played upon that grand old ram, who was my own papa?

Life is not fair, my little lamb, nor is it like to change
And fate plays tricks on all of us, both sinister and strange
So you take care, my little lamb, with this advice from me 
Do not visit places where you know you should not be

The moral of this story dear, is take heed of the odds
And stay away from two-leggies worshipping their gods


Details | Rhyme | |

DIVINE JUSTICE

Young Father Murphy, Parish Priest, 
he rang Archbishop Moore, 
advising him he suddenly 
had taken rather poor.  
"I'll not be fit for Sunday mass 
as I'm confined to bed, 
I'm hoping please your Eminence 
you'll do it please instead." 
 
"Good Father Murphy say no more, 
for you should never doubt, 
the willingness of love my son  
to help a brother out. 
So have no fear, your flock is safe, 
I’ll shepherd it with love 
and while confined you should confer 
with him who is above." 
 
Then as the cock crowed Sunday morn 
good Father rose in haste 
and gathered all his golfing gear, 
there was no time to waste. 
He parred the first and second holes, 
his cheeks were all aglow, 
when up in heaven Gabriel saw 
the sinful priest below. 
 
He took the matter higher up 
for justice must be served. 
The LORD said, "I've been watching son, 
it's not gone unobserved." 
The third it was a par three hole, 
so Father gave it some, 
his ball it lofted in the air 
and Murphy holed in one. 

Poor Gabriel he just looked in awe ... 
the LORD sensed he was vexed; 
How justice had been served that day 
had Gabriel quite perplexed. 
"Dear Gabriel it may seem to you  
the priest has gained the most, 
but when it's said and done my son, 
to whom will Murphy boast."


Details | Rhyme | |

MAMMA ANNA MADE THE BEST BABBA' AL RHUM

Mamma Anna made the best Babba' al Rhum,
you should have seen me how it made me slightly drunk;
and jumping and screaming I danced to the beats of a drum...
then grandma joined in and she sang a classical song!


And the sweet cream was on my lips and cheeks, 
the Babba' al Rhum was delicious and I topped it with chocolate;
everybody began shouting, "It came from Paris,
but we Neapolitans reinvented it by improving its shape and taste!"


Mamma Anna made the best Babba' al Rhum, soaking it in that liqueur much longer;
and Papa' always told me to eat more of it...saying with a suppressing laughter,
"It's a man's dessert, after you eat it, you'll be strong!"
Oh, did he really tell me the truth? No, he was wrong!


It's so very sad that they aren't here,
and I am eating pretzels and drink a beer,
the harmony that stirred their passion can't possibly return...
as they danced on the terrace to celebrate the day I was born!


Mamma Anna knew how to make the best Babba' al Rhum,
and I licked the dripping rum with my finger...not my tongue!
She spoke calmly...when she should have gotten mad and picked up a broom;
no, she was never mean and rude, or ever said to me, " Go to your room!"


Details | Rhyme | |

I'm In Love with a Man

Ok!...
I fell in love again
Yea! Yea! I know after the last love pain.
But this won’t go wrong, it’s… with … a man so it’s not the same
He loves me… I think…
He gave me a little wink

I was hooked from the first time I saw him
Ok… I know how it sounds and how it may seem
But when I stared into his eyes
I was weak and boy you should see his size

I bet he will make any woman quiver
I saw one woman, when she saw him, you would actually see her shiver
I know that this love is the one
Yes men out there, you ask, How can a man love another?
Instead of having me heart broken, in this case I would rather

Anyway this man, is special… he is the one
He ladies and gentleman is my new born son… ?



*Born 11 November 2010, Matthew Ethan Hall
How do I know he is mine? 
He is well hung with big…well he is a Hall after all* 


Details | Light Poetry | |

' Boot-Legged Mama '

Mama and Daddy was always Love-Dovey
She is His Sweetheart – He is Her Honey
First Love… Real Love  -  Forever True
Pa… I Pray to find A Man Like You…

Daddy Laughed and Put His Arm Round My Shoulder
And Said, “I’ll Tell You Somethin’, Now You’re Older
It’s got to do with Your Mother’s Fame
And Why I gave Her, The Nickname…

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
Blue-jean Shorts and Vintage Tony Lama
Walked thru the Door… of A Liquor Store
… Packaged so Pretty… Pa Just had to Pour

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Ma… Was there, to get 6-packs for A Party…
Pa… Was there, ‘cause of a Taste for Bacardi
He took One Look and Knew He Couldn’t Waste Her
Pa… Gave-up ‘Drank’… Just so He Could Chase her !

Dad, Said, ‘He’d Drowned in Dark-Eyes and Sweet-Aroma
Fine-Wine, Crystal… But Tuff’ Nuff’ to Down-Drama
Pa Claims, Mama’s Labeled by the F.D.A.
And Listed on Her Driver’s License is,  A.K.A.  …

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
 Genuine Woman, Who Made Him Wanna’
Take Her to be His Lawful Moonshine
… Married at Midnight – ‘cross The County-Line

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Alcohol’s in Trauma;  and Prohibition Told Her:
"Boot-Legged Mama… Done Drove Pa Sober !"
Now, Homemade-Hooch… is His Acquired Taste
180 Proof… Kicked All Over His Case !

Right Then, Mama Flowed into The Room
Pa, Teased and Said, “Still Full-Bodied and Perfumed !
Ma Hugged Us, then Handed Me – Old Boots and A Dress…
    (and good advice)… “Go Git’ My Elliot Ness…

               … and be a Boot-Legged Mama!

( Hey !... Did I Hear Somebody, In A Country Drawl ….
          Order Up A Bottle of Kicking Alcohol !
         Well, Here She Is… Y'all ! ...
                  Boot-Legged Mama ….

Well John (Moses) Freeman... You Said You Needed
Somethin' :)  to Read tonight, before kicking up your
heels...  Well, Here It Is (Have Fun - Son)

MoonBee 

 (Thank You For All Your Wonderful Comments
Now, I Can't Get Thru The Door for My Ego.. (Smile)


Details | Burlesque | |

Man

I’m a man
In case you couldn’t see
I don’t use the word “poopie”
And I’m addicted to TV
I’m a man
Who doesn't have time to bleed
But who still has compassion
For blind, busty women in need
I’m a man
Who isn’t defined by “it”
Though affectionate enough
To scratch a public itch
I’m a man
Driven by real adventure
Falling asleep on the sofa
Still wearing my dentures
I’m a man
A wild stud in full bloom
Waiting in the Jacuzzi 
Picking my Fruit of the Loom
I’m a man
Who hates to be mean
Crying in the bathroom
When it’s time to clean
I’m a man
Nothing more or less
A mountain of masculinity
Who never ceases to impress


Details | Lyric | |

Dad

Dad is not perfect, but, a wonderful man;
He’s honored by his wife, daughter and son.

Whether a naughty girl or an angelic boy,
He’s ready to buy a gift or make a toy.

Dad is whom you want to be with,
When you’re down or you’re in need.

He is always there for you, giving hope;
And loses his temper when you’re in dope.

Dad was born, indeed, to make us laugh;
Especially, when he shares his funny stuff.

In one’s heart, he leaves his memories;
A true friend, a brother, a man of peace.

So this is what dad means to me;
Am I ready for this? Let me see.

Hmm, I’m thinking; nope, I pass.
I’m old, just 90. You boys don’t rush.



Details | I do not know? | |

A Son, a Father and a Donkey (2005)

A young son, a father and a donkey journey across the land
The father rides upon the donkey
They walk through rain, sunshine and hot sand
A villager yells from the top of her voice
“Selfish boy, let your poor father ride, get up and stride”
So he did as he felt he had no choice
Hours past and they went to a stall for a refreshing drink
“That poor donkey carrying your weight, you should get off him don’t you think?”
Everyone in the bazaar looked and shook their head
The father got off and they both walked instead
They struggled along the sandy dusty breeze
They heard laughter coming from behind the trees
 “Fools”!It was a group of schools girls laughing as they talk
“They have a blooming donkey and those idiots still walk!”
More children gathered to join in the fun 
They paused and thought what should be done? 
By the time they thought of the solution everyone had gone
The moral of the story is you can’t please everyone 

poemsbyrb@hotmail.com


Details | Bio | |

True Story

As related by my father;

Once, long ago,
he rear ended a cop car
Not a happy thing you know...
The cop had stopped short
But he wasn't the sort
To admit what he ought
He could find little reason
for legal action,
So he sought another sanction
He had my father tested
by a mental doc
Who asked stupid questions
You know that crock...

His defining question,
"What would you do if
you saw a flying saucer?"
Unflinching, my father replied,
"I'd shoot it down with my
battleship!"
The doc scoffed,
"And where'd you get
your battleship?"
Quick as a whip, he replied,
"The same place you got your
flying saucer!"


Details | Free verse | |

Princesses

Pretty princesses
Dancing all around
Frolicking through fields
Very beautiful
Just like you!


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

To Hurt To Say,But I'm Sorry

To Hurt to say,But I'm sorry.





Do you know how much it hurt.To see you disappear from a memories I have yet recalled.Your heart so ice cold there's nothing I can do for it.
Let me touch your chest and feel the breeze that escapes from if.
Did you know that with ever king there are rebels who dares chain him down.
Everyone person can life is determined by they way the express themselves.
And anyone can forge a fake life to get away and hide from their reality.
I'm going to be you reality has my hand reaches your face let me show you what it means to be hit by reality and take it seriously.Hopeless,Agony,Fear,Terrified, Corrupted.
I haven't had enough of your ego,of your smile,the lies that surround you.
Ha! let me see you fall and crawl don't beg it unsightly but crawl for you are the man the  shadow man.
Cling to me as i show you the grief and fear and anger I have of losing you,the only thing connecting me to you is the blood I waste on the ground in the night time wake.
Watch it fall as I cut deeper.How many times did I cry for you and you never even cared enough to answer me? 
Your faceless,heartless,cold eyes let me thank you.
Your turning my to stone your helping me write these disgusting feeling down every night.
You gave me something so powerful not even you could destroy them now these hands of course.
As I drink this  to ease my pain and free my self of this relapsing phase.Let me be happy let me be sad let me mad let me become depressed for I'm so bipolar it hurts.
How dare you trampled my pride and toss me around like a lifeless doll...Was I really your luggage you tried to throw away?
Be honest lies don't work no more for I've see everything everyone as danger has liar beggar and theive coming after me.Thank you for being my venom.
I'm sorry if I hurt you I never meant to.
Would you forgive me if I laid down to rest and not wake up again?
Please tell me.I can't help but feel like something useless in this wild game of tag and empty felt.It hurts you should know,So don't take to much time and tell me how you feel.
At least then I can dance with you.


Details | Narrative | |

Grandparents Before - But not today


Grandmothers and grandfathers how they look,
how can we see that there is a grandmother or a grandfather
When I was a little girl we could see a grandmother and a grandfather
Grandparents used hats, glasses, and walking stick
The skin of their face was weathered and wrinkled
Some had teeth they put in a glass in the evening

Grandmothers always had time for a glass of juice and a hug
She was never impatient, tie shoelaces with pleasure
Always in floral dresses, which smelled like grandma
Grandmothers wont not be at work tomorrow, she has time for an adventure
She does not skip a single word, to be finished soon
It was always sweets in grandmother's hand bag
She never spared, but shared with a beautiful smile

Grandfathers were a bit more restrained,
 bit concerned about the day's news in their newspaper
He would like to go for a walk, and he walks with small cautious steps
When he meet someone he knows, he lifts a bit on his hat and nod
He has very little hair on his head, and his head shines in the sun
Grandfathers have a strong hand to hold, I was confident in his hand
He could tell me what all the birds called, he was so wise

Everyone should experience an old-fashioned grandmother and grandfather
one that does not have a television, computer or washing machine
A grandmother and grandfather who always have good time


But it was in the past ..... not today...





23.02.2013
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Burlesque | |

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire

   










Details | ABC | |

My Father's cleats

 It’s funny how my father’s hobby became mine. He has been a sportsman all his life, he played basketball, volleyball and softball all his youth, but his real passion is soccer and even though he is 55 years old now, he still keeps playing it and loving it. He has had all kinds of cleats, all brands, all colors, different styles, but it does not change anything, he still plays amazing. But one thing I do find hilarious is that every time he comes from a game, he cleans his cleats, he washes them and takes them with such an unbelievable affection, that I’m beginning to think that he might love them more than he loves me, but now I do know the feeling of a new shiny, hard and beautiful pair of cleats. I still recall when he took me for my very first pair, I could not believe he was doing it for me, I was so excited, but now I realize that what I was excited about is that I could be like my father for just a moment when I had them on. Ever since I was little, I remember my daddy playing soccer, leaving home all dressed up, ready to fight, and win the ball to make a remarkable roll on the field. The playing field that we both love, the field all covered in grass, all green, so delicious and soft, so colorful… being crashed by everyone’s cleats and the rolling ball, feeling the sunlight on our skin, and the wind on our faces. Having a team, an extra family with whom we could find support and create new ideas, new plays so we could smash the opponent. So yes, I loved watching him play and cheering him up more than I could ever like watching official and famous soccer teams. I do find funny the fact that my father’s hobby became mine since everyone says we’re too similar, and even though he also has a son, his daughter is with whom he shares that connection. I love the fact that our simple relationship was started thanks to such a manly sport, and curiously, to transform me into such a girly girl.


Details | Haiku | |

naked roses

naked roses
—on daddy’s laptop,
aha!


Details | Limerick | |

Fetchin' a Fish

``
~ Hung on to the rod, lettin' my arms ache;
    Those anglers spin yarns, knew their tales fake.

    Here the fish don't bite,
    Or the lure they do not sight.

    Daddy all beans, a huge fish we'll home take.



~ "You ain't no addle pot; patience, my fay.
      A hog killin' time we'll have fur sure," he say.

      Up gulls they screechin',
      They all come fishin'.

      We no match, nary a fish we'll catch!.. Nay!


~ Suddenly, the water whooshed in a spout.
    My quiverin' line had bite, ain't a doubt.

     Reel in, reel in;
     No slack, pull the fish in.

     Rod with reel, away flew the biggest Trout!


``

8th place in the contest
For john freeman's contest : "Limericks About Fishing"




Details | List | |

Rules in the eyes of a toddler

If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed, stepped on or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, must make her dirty
If it is sibling, must slap,kick,and fight.
If it has four legs, must squeeze tight until makes noise
If big person is on phone, must make lots of noise
If tv is not on cartoons, scream until they are
If food is not good, throw it, refuse to eat it and cry until big people give you something good


Details | Verse | |

Family Dinner

Everyone is dressed just right,

with our smiles slapped on tight,

we are having a family dinner.

The mood is tense,

yet we have to make sense,

and we can always talk about the weather.

 

We blow kisses and show our love,

everything is just right.

We shower praises over each other,

and pray that the night is over without a flight.

 

Ignore the bitter-in-law,

she needs some sugar.

She vowed to deny herself happiness,

since she lost her lover.

 

Pay attention to the chatty uncle.

He claims to be rich although he eats like a savage.

just nod your head and seem interested,

and hope the topic does not turn to marriage.

 

Sit away from the young brother,

once an answer to his question, he is on to another.

To the old man he asks,"So what do you do?"

and to the orphan child,"Where is your mother?"

 

The room is beautiful, the food is delicious,

a night with our near and dear.

This could well be the perfect family dinner,

but only the flowers in the room seem real.


Details | Limerick | |

She really did get this call

I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
  
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,

        “He’s here at the bar
  
        Quick bring us your car,

Your husband just got in a brawl”


Details | Light Poetry | |

Clueless Job Applicant

You’ll never guess whom the cat drug in; have a day where you just couldn’t win?
He came strutting in, smacking his gum loud, dressed to the nines Goth Punk style.
Tats trailed down his left arm, with my notice, he said, saving up for the other arm.
When ask about drugs, his answer to me was: “Yes, I’ll share” most invitingly…

Metal adornments on ears, nose, and lips, didn’t want to know, the all of it, at this.
As I noticed, he smiled most cattily, asking: ‘Want to see where else they might be?’ 
Hair a Mohawk with a trail down his back, colors of the rainbow, left nothing to lack.
Steel studs on a black leather butt, said, ‘Bite Me!’ with each and every staged strut.

What are you kidding?… Do my eyes me deceive, or did he just make a pass, at ME?
No Way! I’d rather drop kick him from my office fast, didn't he have any real class?
The application, a Sales Manager Job. Who would try to send me over the deep end?
Bet it had been a practical joke, beginning to end, so I simply held on, my friend.

He must've read my face, forhe smirked, I continued to ask for his list of experience.
His experience was none, but he said he managed his I-tune collection, very well.
Of course, he was the Leader of his ‘Chat Room’. I wondered, ‘Who could tell?’ GEE!
Also an impressive set up on his Facebook page, for his innumerable video games.

I ask how he was qualified for ANY job? Said, Dad ‘THE CEO’ wanted him employed.
I verified this with a call, was told not to be too Harsh, he had Potential, after all...
Ask what job he wanted to give his son? ‘Let him chose himself’, came the real clue!
Ask him, what job he really wanted to do, ‘VP in charge of Recreation’ was imbued.

Said he'd check out all the great places, in his Dad’s fancy Porche. Honestly True!
I kid you not! And he wanted his girlfriend, made into his secretary, Yah! No Doubt!
Believe it or not, he got all he thought he was due. All approved by the CEO’s! True!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better… I began to really reconsider…

Really, who had been clueless… It hadn’t been him!… Which left me in a dither…
Knowing I just couldn’t win!  I’d be glad when this day was finally, truly, done… 
The kid had probably thought this a great joke on me from beginning to the end!
My perfect job, had just come undone! Apparently, being in HR isn’t always fun! 

My college degree, that took so much sacrifice, no longer sparkled, so much to me.
Boy did I now WISH, I was a CEO’s SON! As I simply got all the paper work done. 
Later, I saw the family portrait on the CEO’s desk. Lucky me! One down!… 
Only eight more to go!

Carol Eastman and Hubby


Details | Burlesque | |

Suburban Spring

Suburban Spring	
(4.15.10)


	Springtime fills the air, 
			like laughing gas.
		(Or maybe more like whiskey.)
The suburbs are drunk on the nectar of it's dawn.
	Middle-class houses 
			are starting to dance.
		(Or maybe they're just wobbling.)
They vomit whole families onto their lawn.

			I watch them the same way dogs watch TV:
				Confused and intrigued, 
		with a slight urge to pee.

	The father cuts grass, 
			like a sleepwalker.
		(Or maybe more like a zombie -
Ravenous for cheap beer, instead of brains.)
	A six pack later, 
			he starts washing his car.
		(Or watering his driveway.)
He's spreading on wax so he's set when it rains.

	The mother kneels in dirt, 
			tending the garden.
		(More like digging in a sandbox.)
Her spade is rusty.  (Figuratively, at least.)
	A sunset later, 
			she cooks family dinner.
		(Or maybe orders some pizza.)
(If every mouth is fed, she can call it a feast.)

			I watch them the same way dogs watch TV.

	The son plays war games, 
			dying for fun.
		(Or maybe more for practice.)
He whines about fruit drinks, as well as the heat.
	A full pitcher later, 
			tweaking on sugar,
		(Or maybe just corn starch.)
the war escalates, 'til its time to go eat.

	The daughter makes a picnic, 
			inviting her toys.
		(Or maybe not.)
(Her plastic spread can only spread so thin!)
	After the tea time, 
			she's off picking flowers.
		(Or maybe weeds.)
(As long as they're pretty, there's a vase that they'll fit in.)

		They gather, as a family, at the table to say grace.
		They hold each others' hands and say, "Amen."  
			(And proceed to stuff their face.)

	The dog sits by the boy - 
			Loyal and true.
		(Or maybe just hungry.)
He drools as he stares from the corners of his eyes.
	After dinner, 
                     he offers to help with the dishes.
		(Or maybe he demands it.)
The boy sneaks him a bite.  The dog is not surprised.

	Bedtime comes soon after.  
			The kids are sent to brush their teeth.
		(Or maybe just to run the sink.)
They put on their jammies, and to bed, they go.
	After tucking them in, 
			the parents watch TV.
		(Or maybe they just dream they do, 
					sleeping in its glow.)

	The dog is changing channels, 
			looking for a better show.
				Confused and intrigued, 
		he pees on the carpet below.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Wallets

As my father in law's Alzheimer's progressed he became very concerned with the contents of his wallet. We gave him a pretend credit card, fake money and his driver's license. It made him happy.

My first wallet had a cowboy hat on the face and stitching around the side,
It was stamped in gold lettering as being made from genuine split rawhide.

It carried whatever few coins I had then it zipped my money to safely guard,
And in the ID slot I stuffed my Hopalong Cassidy Jr. Deputy Sheriff card.

My next wallet was one that my father gave to me when I found summer work,
I now had a couple of bucks to stash and my new driver’s license was a perk.

My bride gave me a wallet for my birthday when we were just newly wed,
She wrote a note that she put inside, “let’s fatten this up” is what it said.

So it became fattened with pictures of the kids that made up our family,
And to those photos I added the grandkid’s as grandpa became my identity.

This father’s day I got a wallet and my daughter made two cards to use for my ID,
The first one says that if this wallet is found please return it to room 237 for me.

I don’t know why she made the other one, why I need it I haven’t got a clue,
It explains to anyone that if I am found please take me back there too.


Details | Ballade | |

Lisa Maree

Dedicated to my darling daughter. Lisa Maree, the kindest girl in the world


Lisa Maree

Lisa Maree, you baffle me
You just don’t seem to care
You throw your money all around
And people who won’t share
Will try to take you for a ride
And you can’t always see
What some folk try to do to you
You’ve too much trust in thee.

Lisa Maree, it’s plain to see
That you’re a special girl
Though sometimes you go off on one
And mind goes in a whirl
Your heart is gold, pure solid gold
You’re as soft as heated honey
You have a sense of humor too
You even think 'you’re' funny.

Some might find you hard to take
These fickle kinds of folk
Will run you down for being you
And treat you like a joke
But fickle folk don’t mean a thing
You’re far above the rest
When you are helping someone out
That’s when you’re at your best.

23 August 2013 @ 1817hrs





Details | Shape | |

Dad's Gone Fishing

<                                        Well Lets See
                                          If This ~  Will 
                                          Work Out For
                                          All Wonderful              W
                                       Dads Here At Soup        E   F
                                           I                H          N    I
                                          W                A        E       S
                                           I                 P      C         H     
                                           S                P     I            I
                                           H  You All A Y    N             N
                                           F                H  A               G
                                           A                E                    P
                                           T                R                    O
                                           H                E                     L
                                           E                 I                     E T O  CATCH
                                           R                S                      F                   S
                                           S  D  A Y   So                        I  S   H   E  M  O


Details | Senryu | |

Menacing Moms

<                                     just look at my son ...
                                 down to size of thirty two
                                 ....    fencing hackling




                                      meat and potatoes ...
                                   leftovers from my mother
                                 ...  well isn't that special



                                     eat sleep and ... running
                                     thats all I will ever see
                                   ...  glad father isn't here




Written by Katherine Stella
For Dr Rams IN-LAWS Contest
Gl All





Details | Rhyme | |

Ice-Cream Baseball

 As a new father I coached my little league son
 He was clumsy and uncoordinated
 Picked dandelions in the outfield
 Watched bumble bees fly and hum
Would run to a grounder and watch it stop
pick it up to throw it but it would drop
He enjoyed his team mates for they were friends 
He struck out more than hitting the ball
Funny thing was he would always run whether he did or not
How I wanted him to hit the ball so hard 
Perhaps a grand- slam homerun for him and my heart
But the greatness was in him- he was part of the team 
 His greatest joy was afterwards
When we’d all go get ice-cream


Details | Couplet | |

Coco For Ten

<                               Coco was his name
                                 Spider monkey all the same

                                Dad worked for zoo
                                Feeder of Coco too


                               Brought the little guy home
                               Boy did Coco love to rome


                               Droppings here and there
                               Mom  covered up his dairy - air

   
                               Shoulders he did seek
                               Knocking  younger ones off their feet


                                Bananas and salted nuts
                                Made Coco dance and strut

                               
                               Each day a animal of new
                               Dad brought home from the zoo

             
                               But the one I'll remember the most
                               Was coco who shared my daily toast





Tribute To 
Como Park Zoo
St Paul Minnesota

Coco And Daddy




Can You Imagine
A Monkey Playing
With 10 Kids  LOL

                                 


Details | Light Poetry | |

Fire Alarm

My grandpa is a real character; he really is a pip,
He likes the TV commercial where the girls all skinny dip.

You can never see them swimming or on the beach just sunning,
You only see them wrapped in towels but it starts his motor running.

“You know what I’d do if I were where they filmed this silly thing?
I’d pull the handle on the wall and make the fire alarm ring.

They would drop their towels when they ran around trying to get free,
Then I’d come in, the fire chief, and they’d all run to me.

I’d protect them from the flames, give them the shelter that they seek,
And while I helped them into my truck I think I’d take a peek.

In my fire truck full of women wearing nothing but their smiles,
I’d take them to the firehouse but only after a hundred miles.

Then I’d let them out so they could show their grateful gratitude,
And I’d greet each one personally ‘cause they’re still in the nude.”

Then gramps falls off to sleep and on his face we see his grinning,
And if thoughts are as bad as acts then he is happily sinning.


Details | Free verse | |

Poem Within a Poem

To a father there may 
Not be a greater joy than 
A child who emulates
Maybe even idolizes his dad.

With a heart pouring over
With love my youngest boy 
Proudly states, “I have written a poem.”
My heart soars and love overflows …

His next words reconfirm what 
I suspected; he wants to be like dad
He asked me to post it on Poetry Soup.
The next lines are his as I beam …

Kind, nice, Outgoing, and Funny this is
How I live in this strange World. I live
With a funny family always cheering 
me on I go to a big school always
being great I have many friends
Always being Awesome intelligent 
People, I go to a nice church
always being kind I really
like my life in this very strange 
world.

I couldn’t have said it better
Little man.


A collaboration of Dad (60) and 
David (10) Eklund


Details | Haiku | |

Sunday afternoon

fried chicken is good
with rice and beans and butter
ice cold glass of tea
and some football action for me


Details | Free verse | |

My Heritage

My heritage is a mixture
Of backgrounds.  Let's start on 
My Dad's side of the family.

My Dad's mom is Irish and English.

My Dad's dad is Irish and German.

My Mom's mom is Scottish and Irish.

My Mom's dad is blood Hungarian.

So in other words,
I'm a mutt!  or as others say,
"Heinz 57!"


Details | Rhyme | |

Gran's Got Gerbils

 The following poem is based on a true story 

We were sitting down one evening when the phone began to ring,
“Hello mum,” said Father, “Can I help with anything?”
Grandmother then answered, “There’s a gerbil in my house!”
“Do you really mean a gerbil? Don’t you mean a mouse?”
“I’m certain it’s a gerbil,” My grandmother defended,
“And the fact you think I’d get that wrong makes me feel offended.”
“I’m sorry, but a gerbil? Are you really sure?”
“Yes I am. It must be one of those they’ve got next door.”
“We’re on our way.” Said my Dad and then hung up the phone,
And then within the hour we were at Grandmother’s home.

“Ok Mum, please tell me, just what did you see?”
“It came out from the kitchen and went under the TV.”
Dad went in a cupboard and then took out a trap,
Set it with some chocolate and waited for the “Snap!”,
It only took a moment, and what do you suppose?
A great big rat staggered out, the trap caught on its nose!
Dad chased it to the garden and gave it quite a whack,
“It’s ok Mum, that gerbil is never coming back”,
“Thank you Son, you know that I’d have struggled doing that,
But it could have been so much worse. It could have been a rat!”


Details | Rhyme | |

Full House

Naughty little brother hitting people just for fun,
Soppy little sister snuggles up to harassed mum,
While other sister Lesley thinks she’s in a royal court,
And “Ten Ton Tim” throws the tennis balls he’s bought,
One hits little Lesley on the head with quite a force,
She storms off to her room, in a nark again of course,
She slams the door behind her once she’s made her way upstairs,
And then there’s the twins, I know that trouble comes in pairs,
Michael’s riding Richard with his undies on his head,
While Craig from down the road is wearing swimming trunks instead,
“Ten Ton Tim” then offers the other boys a fight,
One which probably won’t finish until very late at night
“You and Craig onto me!”; a tempting offer to the boys,
Who start to rush towards him brandishing their army-toys,
Lesley reappears from the dark behind the door,
Intending not carry on moaning any more,
Dad is quite sensible at stays at work ‘til dark,
I think it’s more crowded here than in Noah’s Ark.
Mother calls for quite but the noise just carries on,
‘Til Craig suggests they go to his and then the rabble’s gone!




(Written at the age of 9 or 10)


Details | Rhyme | |

Sands of Time

The list of my shortcomings is not coming up very short
The hair that grew on top of my head has decided to abort
There are notches on my belt that no longer can I reach
The sands of time I have experienced could fill up Myrtle Beach

The things that I’ve forgotten outnumber those that I have not
When I party late at night, I’m still in bed by ten o’clock
Things that I bought brand new are now considered old antiques
The skeleton inside me hurts to move and then it creaks

But you won’t hear me complaining, at least, not so very loud
Because of the accompanying grandchildren of which I’m very proud


Details | Ballad | |

THE WISHING WELL OF A SUN-RISE,

It is...within the tiny things of early morning, that moment breaths alive, it is within the tiny whisperings, that a melodye plays...like the very dear and the antelope, play home on the range.

so goes the melodye of heart beat, that plays quietly the songs of soul,

here a rhyme is born of day-light coming so soon, through the early morning eyes of the moon-light, and the starry dreams of twilight's transitioning...

into the light of a love letter written to dawn.

soul to soul conversing, as in this love letter, the letters just join hands with the words and just march across the sky...and at the end of the rainbow, there be plenty of golden time,

way down deep on the inside,

...as the inspired choir, of a bumble bee, or a butterfly, starts to sing, like tiny things that live,

flower to flower,
blossom to bloom,

watered and deeply cared for...

O' Eden.

I say, deep beneath the surface of a wishing well...where the pennies lay,

I wish a sun-rise.








Details | Acrostic | |

The Birds And The Bees

They both dreaded that day,
Having to 
Explain to their only child about the

Birds and the bees
In stepped mom with the flowers
Ready to explain all about pollen and fertilization 
Dad looked bewildered, rubbing the side of his head
Stating, “Did I forget your birthday”? While eyeing the flowers

Anxiously he said, 
"No! Don’t tell me your are pregnant again, I 
Doubt I can go 

Through this again,"
Having to sit there and 
Entertain herself the daughter decided to ease their pain… 

Both looked traumatized when she 
Eventually said, “I know all about being in love, all about sex, it’s part of our curriculum
Even the difference in male and female anatomy gets explained”
So mom if you are pregnant, I can tell the baby all about the birds and the bees one day!!"


Contest: The Birds and the Bees
Placed: 8th


Details | Quatrain | |

Redeye Gravy

Now sits the redeye gravy in the pan
It certainly is not at all like jam
Mom made it years ago  for her man
Fry some country ham, pour  coffee bam

Never knew why it was called redeye
Then my grandson informed me just why
Men who had been out late had bleareye
Who looked like they had been drip-dry

I always thought that it was because
It had dark red color from drippings
In my home it  got an applause
I thought that it was God's blessings

I learned my husband doesn't like it
My grandson doesn't like redeye gravy
When I make it only make a bit
Always redeye gravy left heavy

Today decided to place on grits
Feed to the cats see if they like it
Now cat is running around won't sit
I guess that caffeine gave them lift


Details | Rhyme | |

Lady bug Lady Bug

 
 
Lady bug 

Lady bug lady bug it is fun to play and look at you, 
you seem to increase in size whenever we live in some place new, 
you hide in my toy, you hide in my closet
what am I am going to do with you? 
Lady bug lady bug look at you, when I turn on the lights
you run with your friends and fly away too. 
  
Lady bug Lady Bug 
I am getting tired of you, you run and 
alluding me in to my shoes, even when I am over you,
eating my food, you look and seem
 you want me to bless you to. 
  
Lady bug lady bug I am not having fun with you, 
I am getting my mom and dad to get the 
exterminator to get with you and your crew. 
  
This poem is about a five years old kid who never saw North and 
South American cockroach in his young life.

 Poetry 11/26/10 by Keith K. Relf


Details | Quatrain | |

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO MOM

Happy Father's Day Mom,
Without you this day would be,
Completely non-existant;
This day just would not be.

Dad is great, don't get me wrong,
I think that he is grand.
He's always there to play some game,
Spend time or lend a hand.

He taught me how to cast a line,
When we go out fishing.
He taught me how to speak my mind,
That there's no gain in wishing.

I don't think I'll e'er repay,
All that he's done for me.
I know for sure in all the world,
There's no one just like he.

I'd like to give him something,
To show there's none like he;
But you already did that,
On the day you gave him me.


Details | Limerick | |

Fathers Cute Little Words

My fathers’ cute little words and sayings,
Like, that is just for the birds, in lashings.
Akumpucky in way,
Epigutis he’d say.
My father was big man in displaying.

.
Akumpucky was cream or compound.
Epigutis was the disease he found.
His words were so very cute.
You would never try dispute.
Powerful man would win any round.


Written for

Sponsor Francine Roberts 
Contest Name My Parent 


Details | I do not know? | |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!


Details | Ballade | |

neighbor dog

Poor neighbors dog
poor neighbors dog.

Neighbor comes out
of his house
wonders whats wrong
face concerned. 
For his
dog paces 
back and forth
lowers his rear
closer and closer 
to the ground
and....
unsuccessful.
Over and over he tried again.

Poor neighbors dog.

Cheddar cheese 
at the crime scene
neighbor finds 
to his surprise.
Cleans it up.
Walks away
happy its been resolved.
Never again will his dog be stopped up.

Two weeks later:
dog pacing his cage
trying and trying 
but to his owners dismay...
unsuccessful.
Again. 

An older man 
found sneaking away 
with a sweet smile on his face
in the early dawn,
half running, half limping away.
Chunks of cheese falling out of his pocket...
Jumps up the porch 
runs in the door:
"Dad, where were you at so early?"


Details | Light Poetry | |

HOW I MANAGED not TO BE A DOC

HOW I MANAGED not TO BE A DOC

You know something,
Me a thing, I think not worth than a farthing
was put in a college of Medicine.
Paternal honour intact was to be kept.

Heavy in heart and blurred in vision
When thought of those bespectacled sermons
On blood and urea, capillary and neuron.
I tugged at my mom, a deaf ear she gave.

Like a prep child, I crossed the day
For the doom to impend on my lovely day
On the calendar on the wall with landscapes gay.
Oh! All because my father loved me so.

On that day I stood on a rostrum
Feverish, next to a corpse bloated and grey
I was to say my name and greet the group.
But all I could choke out was a meek gibber.

I fell down with a thud,next to the corpse, 
funny,all came running to the body lifeless,
for he was the specimen for one whole year.
The thing I knew next, 

On my bed cozy I was
And I think I heard my father say, 
Smiling,
‘Oh,It is all right my dear’!


Details | Prose Poetry | |

Symbiosis

"Each experience is locked within my heart and only I hold the key..."

“Dad, I’m going to straighten your closet for you,” 
my wife said as she set upon the task of pulling out his 
clothes and refolding and re-hanging each item.
“I have to go to the John.” was his reply.
“OK, you go. Need help?” she asked him.
“No.” Into the bathroom he went.
Immediately out he came again.
“Can you help me with my pants?”
“Sure dad, there you go.”
Back in again but leaving the door wide open this time.
She closed it and went back to the closet.
“Why don’t they put his things back the way they should go?”
Fold, hang, arrange.
“Dad are you OK in there? Do you need help?”
“No. Can you come in and help me with my pants?”
“Dad, you have them on backwards.
That’s why you can’t find the zipper. Here let me help.”
Out they both come. 
A successful mission.
“What do you think of your closet now?”
“Wow! I have the best looking closet in the whole place.”
“Yes you do. I’m going to talk to them about keeping it that way.”
Out the door she goes. 
A new purpose. 
Making things better for her dad.
“She’ll give them hell,” he said to me.
We watched the news for a while and then he got up.
He went to the closet and pulled out some clothes.
After unfolding them and looking at them he stuffed them back in.
Not in the right place. 
He sat down and smiled.

Tony Lane
A Fragment Of Life contest
Written 8/20/11


Details | Limerick | |

People Help Survivors After Storm Drives Through a Town

The people who were still alive
Helped other survivors revive
All this didn’t bother
An excellent father
Who just taught his daughter to drive


Details | Lyric | |

Counterpole

My rhymes are timeless while this time is lifeless
why is life this kind less, reminds me that this
mind is spineless ready to tip and quit, as
my lies become mindless and get swollen shut
and Stuck up inside my sinus
Drivin in my prime but with no optimus
Victim to the flip-side of the Midas
Running through my blood like a virus
The sun makes my skin mundane
rubbin on ben gay but get arthritis
touch spermicide and converts to hepatitis
I hit the plus sign but it just musters up a minus
I'm seen sucking my thumb like the peanut's Linus
I run and duck when I hear the sirens cause
I abducted the president's Nike air pumps
now air force one is trying to find us
I'm at my desk obsessin about success but
This whole time its been right behind us


Details | Rhyme | |

beware there in

Dad heard a scream from up stairs,
He ran to his son’s rescue and found him in tears.
“What’s the matter son?” Dad gently said,
There’s, there’s a monster in the bathroom and I’m really scared.

“It’s lumpy and hairy with a warts on it legs,”
“And on it’s chest it has what looks like two scrambled eggs”
“It’s belly hangs all the way down to it’s knees
“Daddy, daddy, protect me please!” 

“It knows my name, it, it said it through a toothless grin,”
“It’s face is vomit green.”
“Enough,” said Dad smiling, “There’s no such thing.”
A rumbling noise came from the bathroom.
Go see Dad but come back soon.

Dad stood by the bathroom door for a while be fore he went in
And when he opened it his terrified son heard dad scream.
The monster had a huge wart on it’s bum
That's when dad recognized it and said “ Son needs therapy now How could you mum”

*For Lisa who gave me the title. I hope it is good for you as it was for me :-)*


Details | Clerihew | |

Quite A Tumble

The Apostle Paul
fell from a horse as Saul
the voice of Jesus overtook
the rest of the story can be found in "The Book"




_____________
    CONTEST


Details | Rhyme | |

One Eyed Purple Rage

Normal, just an ordinary man
But when anger hit him think again
He turned into this vicious pain
Turning purple with anger__boggieman 

His eyes would come together
Until they became one
Right above a horn would sprout
He'd scream, shout become undone

Then it would be over, changed
He would normal, an ordinary man
Back and forth between the one-eyed
One-horned purple with rage


To joyous man who played
But he was one wild son of a gun
When turning again into
The "One-eyed One-Horned Purple-People Eater"


Details | Rhyme | |

My Family and Me

It's amazing how quick things can change.
First your running with the kings, and then you're knocked out of range.
It's strange. I used to worry and stress over friends.
Now I've grown to be a man. Maybe know a few of them.
All that time I could of studied. Did better in school.
Got a job and made it big. Maybe now I'd be cool.
Who's the fool? Now who's the bull? I know that's not me on the top.
Life is always making turns weather you like it or not.
The past will always be the past. My glory days may seem gone.
But, now its time to start a new.The stories keep coming on.
I've got a new girl. She means the world to me.
She keeps me warm at night, my best friend, my new dream.
Since my car accident, still got a limp on one side.
Still working with my memory, still need a friend who can drive.
I love to Karaoke. I get noticed in bars.
My mom's always there to catch me. Tom's working with my mom's cars.
My sister's in the Army, my niece is a big part of my life,
Friend Zach keeps assholes off me, and God is my wife.
AJ's always there to help, Brian is my LOST bud,
Mary's out of school, Lil cousin, Hunter's a stud.
Grandpa still is my idol, JT is still the music man .
The Adam's still can party. Chris, living good on the sand.
I may only use one hand, but I plan to be the best.
At all I do in life, cause there's not that much time left.
The blood test that I took says Landon is mine.
I hope this all works out fine in time and help to make my son's life shine.
JC who's down in Georiga, my heart is screaming for you.
I hope that you recover well. It can't be worse then what I went through.
Uncle Jimmy where you at? Where's Matt, Corie, and Pete?
I know you all are doing good. Serviolo's are a hard team to beat.
How's the rest of the family? I love and miss you all!
I hope you all are standing tall and I pray we never fall.
These last words that I say, I say only to you.
We've got the best family in the world and you know I LOVE YOU!


Details | Haiku | |

NFL Golden Child Injured


Finished before start Colts fans leap from Bandwagon Peyton Manning's hurt


Details | Light Poetry | |

My Big Brother Is Watching You Too

"My Big Brother" up and down the street
  He could be anyone you meet
  Spying on you from the street
  Looking in from every beat
"My Big Brother" isn't that sweet

"My Big Brother" and I don't know why
  Casting in from above the sky
"My Big Brother" the commie spy
  Listening in do or die
  Bringing his book in
  Taught within
My Big Brother, 1-800-LET-US IN
  Caught with paper and a pen 
All because, "My Big Brother" let himself in


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

TRUE BLUE OF THE DEEP

....simply beautiful... it is of beauty to simply write such love letters of poetry, letters joining hands within a sky of words setting a background, upon the "Sea", setting sail.. within a wordsong, as playing winds, just swirl around beautifully of air, that blows a kiss to an angeled choir to sing in perfect key, life, the spice, the scented beauty of a rose in full bloom, the scented beauty of a heart beat, beating in time, with rhyme being so kind hearted and true blue of the deep.


Details | Quatrain | |

Ditsy Moment

Ditsy moment, wow!
This takes me back a few years
I think I was aged about twelve
It left my father in tears

It was on a summers morning
I was sound asleep in bed
Subconsciously I heard my father shout
And throw something at my head

"Hey James get up,
Your going to be late for school"
I sat up straight in bed
Hurrying not to break the rules

Quickly I got dressed
As I rushed for a bite to eat
It's then that I noticed my father
Crying in his seat

His tears turned to laughter
As he struggles to calmly say
"I'm sorry my son I just couldn't resist
In fact it's really Saturday"

Looking back at that time
Today it's still funny to me
But you really had to see
Me sitting up as stiff as a tree


Details | Burlesque | |

The Farmer And Tom Bell

The farmer beat up Tom Bell,
Smacked him up pretty well,
High on moonshine he was,
The farmer beat Tom Bell...

Tom Bell flirted with
the farmer's daughter,
Tom Bell did something,
He shouldn't had ought'a

High on moonshine the
farmer got,
And beat Tom Bell to hell...

Tom Bell had a fractured skull,
Broken ribs and bones from dull...
Blunt force trauma,
And his medical insurance was quite null,
High on moonshine, the farmer was,
As Tom's injuries he did cull...

Tom Bell wound up paralyzed,
From those lecherous traveling
salesman's eyes,
High ho, Tom Bell did want to know,
Where the moonshine was kept,
Before of injuries he dies.


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

ATMOSPHERE,

A lonesome dove

feathered white.

The branch strong,

time light.

...no "wait".

A dream.

really blowing a sweet breeze.

...no "wait".

A heart beat sitting in a tree,

spirit like,

...no "wait".

A rhyme.

...of atomosphere.


Details | Acrostic | |

The Talk

The Talk

(9.4.10)


"The Talk:",
 He hesitated, 
"Everyone 
 Becomes
 Interested in
 Reproduction
 During different, developmental 
 Stages."
(Assurances are always awkward;
 Nothing new.)
 Dad dodged    
"The Talk" 'til I turned twenty two.
 He honestly
 Expected 
 Bewilderment by
 Education, 
 Even though everybody knows, each infant grows in a secret station
 So its strong enough for the long aviation of being taken, by delivery stork, to it's home.







(This poem was written specifically for Carol Brown's "The Birds and the Bees" poetry
contest.)


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

My Minds Eye, while looking thru a monacle

I need to find out what it all means,
so I searched for the truth in my dreams,
illusions of a shattered reality, unwoven at its seams.
All of life's cohesion, a plan or just by chance,
the gravity enabling this universal dance,
it all seems to run just like clockwork,
makes me wonder whether it might be Gods work?
So I looked through my minds eye, while I was wearing a monacle,
it really did make this world look..well, rather comical,
the distortions of vision were astronomical!
Atomic particles at a most basic level, I saw God, I fought the Devil!
The smallest atoms you can find, the Higgs Boson and strings that bind, 
I even watched as expansion hit rewind!
We're taking leaps out into space, huge accomplishment of the human race,
our solar system we've had a taste, further and deeper, how do you operate?
We'll one day finds Earth's new home, maybe under a giant dome,
or in a galactic ice cream cone? All the stardust that makes my bone.
Northern lights, just a jewel on my throne,
though science says 'it's just ozone'
have your ideas because their your own,
don't allow your mind to be overthrown,
things got hazy, or my mind got lazy,
so I took my rag and I buffed my lens,
it feels like I am bathing in pure cleanse!
Or i'm finally round the bend?
Will my head ever truly mend??
For when your balls knocked over the Wonderwall,
all kinds of delight, short or tall, await those who stumble across that garden,
you'll rub your eyes and pinch your skin, What? Hey? Pardon!
I have a sea view over all eternity, the 1000 you's, the countless me's
Life graces the universe, like a play well rehearsed,
starts with a nurse and ends in a hearse,
after the big rip, it's all in reverse!
©John-Ovan.P.Hull


Details | Limerick | |

The Babies Poo

There was a baby, brand new,
But the father was scared of his poo,
So the father departed,
The mother then started
To clean up the brown baby goo!



Details | Rhyme | |

I Shouldn't Have Watched Girls Gone Wild

I used to watch those Girls Gone Wild videos but I stopped.
The last one that I saw was so shocking that my jaw dropped.
At first everything was fine but then I suddenly screamed "No, not her!"
The reason why I suddenly screamed was because I saw my daughter.
Seeing her on that video nearly gave me a heart attack, I was in a bad shape.
I called the Girls Gone Wild phone number and I ordered all of those tapes.
I burned every one of those tapes after I doused them with gas.
Then I told my daughter that if she ever removes her top again, I'll kick her ass.
I made a firm decision right there and then.
I swore never to watch Girls Gone Wild again.

(This is a fictional poem)


Details | ABC | |

Family Commandments

Family Commandments


Thou shall not pull thy sisters hair. Thou you shall chew thy food.
Thou shall not stay out until Midnight. Thou shall be in a better mood.
Though shall not answer me back. Thou you shall brush thy hair.
Though shall not wear that in public. Thou you shall behave in here.
Thou shall not give me cheek and run as fast as thou art.
Though shall not rush thy homework. Though you shall begin from the start..
Thou shall not scream at every opportunity no mater  if thy lungs be strong.
Thou shall not dance in tantrum. Thou you shall stay home where you belong.
Thou shall not eat me out of house and home. Though you shall get a job.
Thou shall not sit round like a bum. Thou you shall turn into a slob.
Thou shall not fight with your sister. Thou you shall give her a cuddle.
Though you shall not bunk away from school. Or Thou shall be in a muddle.
Thou shall not make noise while soaps are on, if you know what's good for thy ears.
Thou shall not blame your brother, Thou you shall see his tears.
Thou shall not ever worry, Thou I am here for you.
Thou shall not ever be sad. Thou you shall be happy It's true.
Thou shall not ever fret, even though we shall have our fears.
Thou shall never be alone. Thou you shall know we care.
Thou shall always have a life, Though u shall be happy and care.
Thou shall not have a problem alone. Thou you will know we are near.
Thou shall not take for granted, That shall be full of pride.
Though shall never wish for more, with thou family by thou side

By Shirley Moody


Details | Narrative | |

SEA TO SHINNING SEA

SEA TO SHINNING SEA,
 
...this is so intimate of time, as a first kiss of time is...so close of soul, so near, so dear of heart beat, so precious a rhyme that flows so intimately,
 
deep of time, down by the Crystal Seas...
 
...this is so intimate of dreams,
dreaming reality,
 
as the Crystal Sea so reveals of destinies galore,
sparkles,
destined as the night light of the moon-glows of starry eyes,
upon the waters,
 
...gazing
 
...seeing tranquility upon the waves...
watching to the depth of a dream,
and a sun-rise
 
being so true...
 
for underneath and within this a moon-lit poem of starry night eyes, down by the Crystal Seas, a vessel sets sail upon the deep...into a kiss of dawn...
 
Sea to shinning Sea.
 
mb(2011)
 


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

Ain't Dreamin' of a Daddy

I'd like to do so much
With you
But that's
A hell of a lot
To ask of
A drinking man
Father-Daughter Dance
Huntin?
I'm from the South
And I ain't ahamed 
To say I ain't dreamin'
Of a Daddy
I got all I need
I got my Mommy
She's just as good 
And better
She's a fighter
We can live
Without you


Details | Light Poetry | |

Good Gravy

If there’s one thing that my grandpa likes to eat its Chicken Egg Fu Young,
And for him he says it is a special treat if he should get some on his tongue.

That’s always where he aims it for but not where it always goes,
It seems it could end up anywhere from his head down to his toes.

Mom asked if he’d like some mushroom gravy put on the top of his food
Grandpa says that without it, his eggs are young but not completely fu-ed.

So she covered it with dark brown sauce and he gave his lips a smack
What happened next was kind of gross it was an Egg Fu Young attack.

He dropped his fork into the gravy and never tried to wipe it clean
He just grabbed it and his fingers ended up with gravy in between.

He dropped his knife into the pool then snatched it with his hand,
He looked like General Custer at his last brown gravy stand.

With gobs of gravy on his fingers he gave his hair a flick,
And the warm brown mushroom moose he wore helped his do to stick.

There are gravy marks across his face where the fork had randomly strayed,
His prowess at eating Egg Fu Young is now for all the world displayed.

And even though there is gravy everywhere on table, chair and floor,
My mother only smiles at him and asks, “Would you like some more?”


Details | Haiku | |

Fussy Baby

Baby cries, Dad sleeps soundly Selective hearing? Do you think?
In honor of Dr. Ram Mehta's "Quinzaine" contest


Details | Couplet | |

Little Children

Oh, what a joy little children are ! Juice in the video, sick in the car. Untidy bedroom, scattered toys, girls playing nurses with little boys. Dogs' tails being pulled, a cat's on fire, interrupting the moments of love and desire. Passing the blame for their little crimes, playing with frogs all covered in slime. Screaming their heads off in a plush restaurant, having a tantrum when refused what they want. Arriving home late covered in mud, not going to bed when they know they should. Non-stop talking while dad's watching telly, splashing the walls with ice-cream and jelly. Chocolate stains on their Sunday best, painting funny pictures on granddad's vest. Why do parents' voices echo from afar, Oh, what a joy little children are !


Details | Classicism | |

what is family

Blood doesn't always make you family to me its loyalty and respect if I need you right beside me is where you'll be To me blood is not a big deal,To me it matters whos real and whos around when im up or when i fallen to the ground thats how i feel for me always ready to chill and for me will kill the people who always been there before and are here still


Details | Rhyme | |

THE MICHIEVOUS PINOCCHIO

Perhaps that inexpensive gift was another deterrant
to set an example to keep me from telling lies,
like the michievous Pinocchio did many times,
and as I stared at that toy, he become a real friend.


There he was with that long nose which never shrunk,
but grew and grew every time he lied to his old dad...
and the company he kept earned him a grave reprimand:
skipping school to go to places frequented by a punk.


Not realizing I was standing in harm's way, I ran
like him and followed the loud merry-making clan
that promised all children a fun world non-existent...
any other kid would have joined them in an instant.


I should have left him under my six feet tall Christmas Tree,
to never have let temptation overwhelm me with curiousity...
to resemble him and disobey my parents' heartfelt wishes without concern;
and what did my disobedience teach me? Lost years that can't ever return!   




Details | Light Poetry | |

Custard

Dad was digging in the garden 
When he struck a custard well
Mum was none too happy
By her phizog you could tell

We watched the plume of custard
As it rose into the sky
Dad said “It’s bloomin’ lovely
We can have that with some pie

Mum was still unhappy
“This has ruined my best dress
You can both get out there later
And clear up this ruddy mess”

First thing in the morning
I went out, to see the hole
Scraped away the surface
And I filled a little bowl

Sitting on my haunches
In my jim jams and a vest
I took a cautious spoonful
And declared it was the best

Then later on, the press appeared
And in the garden mustered
As Dad explained how he had found
A well of perfect custard

A well known geolologist
Was hired to survey
He said our well, might just achieve
Ten thousand puds a day

So, Dad went out and bought himself 
A brand new custard pump
And put it in the shed that he
Was just about to dump

With lots and lots of effort
And a little bit of planning
We built ourselves a factory
And we started custard canning

Now mum is very happy, ‘cause
We’ve bought a house that’s bigger
Don’t know what she’ll say though
When she sees Dad’s bought a digger 


Details | Rhyme | |

JIM'S BATHROOM

I can hear him coming
Several times a day
Jim's a bathroom junkie
I'm his favorite hide away

The first thing he does
Is flip on light and fan
Avoiding unpleasant vapors
Its all part of the plan

He sits on the porcelain pony
And gently closes his eyes
Imagines he's James T. Kirk
On the starship Enterprise 

In here, Jim is King
He rests upon the throne
Royalty with no subjects
He rules this Kingdom alone

But there's no threat of being bored
He could stay in here all day
With all the books and the magazines
And a mirror where he flexes away

It's all about the options
In this place of unique charm
Because the truth be known
More times than not, it's a false alarm

It's discovered the "Boss" is missing
I know they'll find him soon
It doesn't take rocket science to know
He's here again.. in Jim's Bathroom.

2-15-14
Contest: Tickle My Funny Bone
Sponsor: Francine Roberts


Details | Light Poetry | |

Superman

My dad told me when he was young
And fit as fit could be
As the best Saharan lumberjack
He cut down every tree

He rode a wild dinosaur
From York to Timbuctu
He took it back to London
And put it in the Zoo

Then later on in World War two
The German horde he beat
With just his trusty penknife
He forced them to retreat

He’s swam the Indian ocean
Ate crocodiles for tea
Paddled up Niagara falls
And still got home by three

I relate my fathers exploits
Friends give me such a ribbing
They say his tales are tall ones
And that my dad is fibbing

But I know my dads not lying
There is no way he can
I know my dads not fibbing
He’s a real life superman


Details | Free verse | |

The saga of the dusty road

The Saga of dusty roads of Utah 
(To the memory of Don W. Esplin, father of Kathryn Esplin-Oleski)
= =
There he was playing with some mild explosives, 
in his own backyard, a resolute boy he is; 
the June month had swelled like the taut belly of 
a neighborhood lady; the boy wanted to be 
a scientist which he became. He, of course could not 
envision that all these sepia dust of Utah, 
the noon backyard and a young scientist’s narrative 
would be remembered by his explosive daughter 
and a strange Indian was going to pen a saga. 

Alfred Nobel was smiling from a page of a book 

The boy rolled a cigarette, the smoke’s curlicues 
swirl up to grain the picture. A blast almost choked
the bright blue jays and robins. Defused sun slanted.
The end of the road was just an end of the road 
where sun could meet earth, warm grass shook off the heat 
and the covert window of the farm house would yield 
a father and son talk. Strong argument on
future, on an university, on money 
on a world that could differ in generations;
of course the boy, as a father, understood 
his girl, then living apart. But distance is in heart.
He would grow up midst dreams. A quirky wind would blow him 
here and there; navy, marriage and science, 
pharmacology and marriage again; a gust
of wind would take him on a ride that, if he could 
read this he would have said, resembled his truck rides 
down the roads of Utah. But at that point of time
he was wide awake inside his misty night’s sleep 
and an American novel is shooting up 
its multiple heads in search of fresh oxygen. 
The waves of moon were enjoying a full tide.

=© 2009 - All Rights Reserved Kushal Poddar


Details | I do not know? | |

A long line of scallywags

I love my son he's always chipper
he's my scallywag and I'm the skipper
and the apple does'nt fall far from the tree
he's menatly challenged just like me!

and even though his dad's a zero
"hey dad your my hero!"
having fun is all he's wishing
"hey dad ya wanna go fishin?"

lost the house a home we have not
"hey dad looky what I caught!"
no business financal ruin we sank
"aww dad you can have my piggy bank"

rich kids need toys to have fun
"love you dad!" "love you son!"
think no toys would make him sad?
such a good boy "your the best dad!"

now I know I won't always live forever
"hey dad we always be together?"
"no worries son just stay chipper
you'll have your own scallywag and you'll be the skipper!"

by Captain Mike Harris and his son


Details | Personification | |

Don't Grab the Steering Wheel While God Is Driving

don't grab the steering wheel while God is driving the car
just put your trust in Him that you will travel very far
we have a tendency to pray on things but of them we won't let go
we keep worrying about the problems and won't let God run the show
instead of looking at the Lord we keep looking at the load
we need to keep our eyes on God and not on the road
so don't grab the steering wheel while God is in the driver's seat
just be prepared to remain a passenger until the journey is complete

there's no person too insignificant and there's no problem that's too great
God's always on time, He's seldom early but He never arrives late
so just sit back and enjoy the road trip that is your life
and place all in the hands of your mechanic Jesus the Christ
don't worry if you get a flat Father God has a spare in the back
and don't worry if you run out of gas the Holy Ghost has a full spiritual flask
and don't fret if you happen to a make a wrong turn
just consider it a lesson in life that you've learned

don't grab the steering wheel while God is driving the SUV
just make sure you have on your seat belt for the road of life tends to be bumpy
you won't need a navigational system nor a GPS
just trust in God to steer you safely through all of your mess
don't worry about the insurance and you've already passed inspection
just don't try to be a back seat driver and give God any directions
the road of life may twist and turn down some valleys and over some dales
but as long as you stay prayerful you might miss that exit going to hell
and if you get stuck in traffic there's no need to feel overwhelmed
be anxious over nothing remember God is at the helm

so hand over the keys to your life and let God take the wheel
and believe He will guide you towards those eternal Elysian Fields
so don't grab the steering wheel while Father God is driving the van
He'll get you to your final destination according to His master plans


Details | Senryu | |

In The Dog House

The Dog House
Caught, he lied to her;
His ebullient smile said all,
On the couch he sleeps.


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Notion Of A Whisper

A flower will start off as a simple bud/
It then will grow forth !
As when birds in Summer tend to move North/
Yet as the flower may bloom/
There is often found room in which to grow,

Have a positive mindset in life,

Longevity !
There will be many storms !
Yet we all must not allow them,
To dictate what may happen in the future/
Today be a positive light to a darkened place/

Live by example !

Cause many people are watching !
They will be looking for some hidden quality,
Hence, a bit of understanding/
Perhaps it's determination or a great sense of integrity !
Yet without cement to hold a brick it will eventually fall/

This isn't some store bought item that one gets at their nearby mall,

Let all your words be few yet sweet and sincere/
For far too many people in life,
That don't even bother to care/
Just then a little bird had whispered in my ear/

Yet none the worse for wear,

The heart is deceitful above all things !

Still who can know it ?
A true friend is rather polite and sincere/
To the one who will often show it,
Set the standard high for yourself !

For whether you fall,

You will know in your heart/
That you gave it better then some college Joe try,
Try to keep your mind on just one thing/
For this is the essential key to your success !


Details | Rhyme | |

Big

There’s a spider in my shoe mum 
There’s a spider in my shoe
He really is quite big mum
And I don’t know what to do

You silly boy just pick it up
And give your shoe a shake
It’s just a little spider
How much effort can it take

Don’t think I’ll shake him off mum
Can’t pick him up or hit him
He’s really very big mum
And my shoes they nearly fit him

Oh don’t be such a baby
Stop acting like a fool
Please hurry up and do it
Or you’ll soon be late for school

But mum, he’s really massive
I’m terrified, what’s more
He just picked up my jacket
And he’s thrown it on the floor

Alright, lets have a look then
Oh my, this one is bad
It really is enormous
Run upstairs and get your dad


Details | I do not know? | |

Love of Berries

I want to run wild through that berry field
behind the brick house my father bought
when I was seven and skinny and still
a natural blond with naive, blue eyes.
I might even wear a white, linen dress
and satin gloves like I wore the last time
I saw it on Easter Sunday when I was nine.
It would be just past dusk, 
and the snuffed-out sun would veil
my pale skin and shade the tip
of my bridgeless, up-turned nose.
Feverishly, my white gloved hands 
would ravage the bushes, ripping
at bloated berries until 
my wrists were smeared with blood-black juice. 
I would shove a fistful in my mouth, 
sour drool staining my thin lips blue,
much bluer than my stale, gray eyes,
and I'd lick berries from my dripping skin
until my father called me home.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Big Kids

If you break your leg don’t come running to me
I’ve told you before about climbing that tree
It isn’t a playground for you to have fun
Go out in the garden and play in the sun
Or get on your bike and head out for a ride
Take it down to the beach but watch out for the tide
There’s always the park you could play on the swings
Go fishing or something there’s oodles of things
Now get down at once, I won’t tell you again
You’re ever so naughty, you’re being a pain
Please do as you’re told and stop being a bore
Well! I really don’t know what I married you for


Details | Blank verse | |

fruit tree


The fruit tree. 

Twilight, soon it will be dark, sparrows are flying back, god knows 
where they have been. A flock meet in my plum tree, there is livid
 arguing, who is going sit where. My tree doesn’t bear crops, yet 
it is a fruit tree, my neighbour says so. I’m a plum tree too grew 
up tall and stylish women flocked around me, I married five times
... and not a bloody plum.  Grey trunk, limp leaves and when dusk
comes no one sits on my twigs; I have to invent stories of plums 
I never had. Fine plums, juicy plums all of them females that never 
matured and left me alone to fend for myself in time of solitude. 
Night, and in my heart there a is longing for the unfeasible.   


Details | Rhyme | |

College Bill

I grew up with Phillip Jones, who was our doctor’s son,
We built huts amongst the ti-tree, and fired the odd slug gun,
We went through school together and we hung out up the street,
Played footy and played cricket, and there’s girls we used to meet.

But that was many years ago when we were in our teens,
When life was free and easy and we were full of beans,
Circumstances ripped our time apart, as circumstances can…
I took on the factory life, and Phillip followed his old man.

Doctor Jones our family doctor continued in his trade,
He kept our little town alive with choices that he made,
Babes were born and people died, and there were heart attacks,
He tended those who don’t feel pain and hypochondriacs. 

But now our doctor is retiring for he’s turning sixty-five,
Sending shock waves through the sick, on how they will survive,
But Doctor Jones destroyed the rumours that affected everyone,
By reassuring all his patients, their new doctor is his son.

So Phillip Jones is coming home, my good old school day mate,
And he’s going to be our doctor, which really should be great,
I’ll make sure we catch up, and of course that’s what we did,
To talk about the good old days, when we were just a kid.

I tell you I’m excited when invited, to Doctor Jones’ place,
He’d put on a dinner party asking me to show me face,
Doctor Jones has put his feet up now since Phillip stole the show,
And is treating all the patients that his father got to know.

But Phillip’s changed an awful lot; he’s inherited a plum,
All he spoke about is college, and he made me feel like scum,
He’s turned into a ‘know all’, a pompous haughty cad,  
And he even claimed with disregard; he’s smarter than his Dad.

Doctor Jones took on the challenge “Why do you say that son?”
And Phillip said, “My father dear, for example here is one,
Mrs. Wenn the wealthy spinster, took heed of my suggestion,
And after all her troubled years, I have rid her indigestion.”

Doctor Jones picked up his napkin, and patted both his lips,
“Son, I’m very proud of you, but you’re still needing tips,
Sometimes I think it doesn’t pay to overload with knowledge…
Indigestion suffered in this case, is what, put you, through college.”


Details | Free verse | |

Bathroom engaged

There he blows
on his way to the gents
Book in hand
we all know 
this is where 
he shall be occupied
for the next half hour

Imagination envisages
him making himself 
comfortable
There for a duration
Intent on sinking 
his teeth into several chapters
of the latest James Patterson

Belt slowly snakes
to the floor as he sits there
concentrating 
on task in progress
with trousers half mast 
supported by knees
Book on lap

A certain familiar 
thunder echoes 
through the house
Stench slowly seeping
through under door
Leaves mum running
for the air fragrancers

Doors and windows
are opened as mother
tries to ‘air’ the house
as she goes about 
her business cleaning
the house until it shines
bright as a freshly minted coin

Eventually father emerges
Fresh and relaxed
Missing one gas mask
Mum trepidly takes a breath
and dives into the bathroom
Intent on finishing her work
disguising Dad’s omissions

Bathrooom engaged again
Mother’s work never done
and yet as she vacates
a beautiful flowery scent
followers her through 
The empty room vacantly
awaiting – welcoming next guest.


Details | Limerick | |

Relative-ity

Relativity says go faster
And time travel backward you master.
But no tempting your fate
Making out with a date,
Cause kissing your dad’s a disaster.


Details | Rhyme | |

Kids

As a dad of three I’ve got your measure
We love you protect you give us lots of pleasure
But……mums and dads aren’t as daft as you think we are
Dads give us a fiver and ill wash your car
Mum….can I take a couple of pounds out of the copper jar

My car barely sees water and a sponge because it’s too much mither
And the copper jar that held a tenner now holds just a fiver
And so it goes on

Dad….can I stay out as long as Paul his dad lets him stay out till eleven
A quick call to Paul’s dad guess what Pauls in at seven
We love you dearly but you kids think were daft
But were on to you it’s almost become a craft

And the classic dad can I have my pocket money mums give her last to my brother
A quick word with mum reveals you’ve just had a tenner
Me and your mum we do talk to each other
Clean your room up I’ve asked you 4 times if you don’t that’s it your grounded I said
I’ve done it dad you tell me I go check it’s clean but it’s all under your bed
That’s it your grounded
Toys out of pram and don’t give me that look
You know the one open mouthed astounded
You see mums and dads aren’t daft it’s all part of the game
But…..through all your tantrums and tears
We still love you all the same


Details | Burlesque | |

The Easter Egg From Hell

Easter fun
When I was a kid 
Family dying eggs,
Then my father hid

Each egg penciled
With a value...
5 cents,
A dime,
A quarter,
A dollar....

They were hard to find...
And if good money,
We'd holler!

But one year 
Things went awry
One egg could not be found,
And we did wonder why...

As a matter 'a fact,
We didn't even know...
It was missing....
Till the smell started to grow...

Three years later
We found that devilish egg,
Surely a pawn of the devil
What else could it be?
Could smell the son of a gun,
But could not see....

He'd placed it in the top track,
Of the livingroom sliding door
Well out of sight,
But an odor you could not ignore

So follow your nose,
If a fool you be....
Just don't dare...
Come crying to me...

I hate damn eggs anyway
Unless scrambled....
They're okay.....

So try something different
More imaginative for makin'
And try and hide,
A pound of bacon!


Details | Rhyme | |

Invisi-Girl's Adventures

When Invisi- Girl was very young,
She was not worth stopping,
She would always end up spying or snooping,
And even a little eaves-dropping.

She would always be punished, punished harshly,
For listening in on others,
Yet even though she would punish her,
Invisi-Girl still loved her mother.

One tragic day, her mother died,
And her father was devastated,
But when her father decided to remarry,
Invisi-Girl was not elated.

One frightening day,
her step-mother said,
"Give me all your money,
Or you will be dead."

Invisi-Girl's father tried to help,
Her father tried to stop her,
But then the wife accidentally shot him,
When she meant to shoot her,

Invisi-Girl lived a horrible life,
Ever since the day her father died,
She waited on her step-mother hand and foot,
And would always let out a good cry.

The day Invisi-Girl had her twentieth birthday,
her powers she did discover,
Invisi-Girl could vanish into thin air,
And best of all she could hover.

One day she decided to make a plan,
One that her step-mother would not expect,
This expert plan would be only one,
That Invisi-Girl could detect.

ONe day Invisi-Girl used her powers,
And her step-mom she did destroy,
She finally restored the family's treasures,
And brought herself inner joy.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Father Calls Home

A Father Calls Home

By Elton Camp

A little girl answered the phone’s loud ring
From it, a man’s voice proceeded to spring

“Hello there, Honey, this is your Daddy here.
Is Mommy perhaps to the phone very near?”

“No, she’s up in the bedroom with Uncle Joe.”
“You don’t have an Uncle Joe.  That I know.”

The next words, the father was infuriated to hear
“He comes all time whenever you’re not here.”

“Honey, on the bedroom door I want you to knock.
Then say you see Daddy’s car coming up the block.”

The child returned to the telephone, the caller to tell
“I did it, & Mommy’s screaming & Uncle Joe as well.”

The woman then fell down the stairs & broke her neck
Uncle Joe sped away and was killed in an auto wreck

Even stranger, when the Daddy got home all was well
Realizing it had been a wrong number, said, “Oh hell.”


(Note:  This is based on an old joke sent me by James in the U.K.
  But I’ve changed it a whole lot and feel justified in claiming 
  some ownership of this version.)


Details | Epigram | |

ps Matrimonial Bliss (?)

Said
"I Do"
Now "you don't!"


This was written for my mom and dad who sure can stir up a fight, 
but have been married for 33 years. I got the idea from something 
my Mom said. I thought it was cute!


Details | I do not know? | |

When Bodda Boom ! Met - Bodda Bing !!!

Years had passed still I had every bit of reason to grasp/

That true essence of what he said/
Yet there was many thought's inside my head ?
Like the time I drove my big wheel into the yellow Ollie !
I was speechless in thought and deed

Still I never bothered to take heed/

All I wanted to do was just speed !
That's how Bodda Boom met with Bodda Bing !!!
You all know what I mean ?
I even could hear that sweet little bird sing/

Bodda used to be a good friend until when
Bing came strolling into the town/
Many thought the freekin guy was such a clown
So nobody wanted him around/

Today Bing resides right next to The Jersey Shore
Last I knew he lived with a whore ?
Yet who knew/
About that two timer Boom/

He's the spitting image of Jessy James/
Then with his face I'd like to rearrange !
How could he do that to such a beautiful lady !
She's better off settling for Wavy Gravey !

So it was back to the past,
We had every reason to grasp/
That day when Bodda Bing met up with Bodda Boom !
Yet who knew ?


Details | Free verse | |

I Won't Write Santa

This year I won't write Santa,

Instead I'll write the President.

I won't forget to five-space indent,

Or write, Sincerely, George; from Atlanta.

I hope he reads all his notes, like Santa,

For at Christmas, he takes time to listen.

To a little boy that feels so sad,

Because all year he've missed his dad.

My dad is quite a brave man,

To go and serve in foreign lands.

Mom says, I must be real strong,

A sad letter to the President would be wrong.

My mom is always right,

Though, I must write to him this night.

I won't write a sad letter to him at all,

I'll write, "hope you have a ball."

I know he'll spend time with his dad,

His dad must be really proud and glad.

He'll have all his love ones with him,

"Ho-Ho, Merry Christmas to all of them."


Details | Tail-rhyme | |

Toothless Angel, Mary Grace

Mystifying, magical melody
      your first laughter is to me;
As blissful and as joyful as bliss
      and joy can ever be;
Really you're much too young
      to even smile, my dear;
Your lilting giggles, such
      soothing music to my ear.

Gleefully you pinch my nose,
      grab my hair, you little rose;
Readily you enchant me with
      that toothless angel's smile;
And you bounce mirthfully
     up and down my tummy;
Clapping small hands, innocent
     eyes that let me see;
Eyes that mirror love for life,
     for you from mom and me.


Details | Burlesque | |

The Reason Why There's No Market in Poetry

"Only other poets read your poems"
Said my father, to my great appall
So I plastered a poem in spray paint
To the side of the town's harbor wall

Then the bobbies saw my piece of artwork
And they dragged me away to a cell
Then they threatened to brand me a vandal
And they called up my parents as well

When my father showed up, he was yelling
"What in blazing God's name did you do?"
I replied "You were wrong 'bout my poems
The policemen have all read them too!"


Details | Free verse | |

Victory Is Mine

I wish I could say failure was as unknown
to me as my brother's current address,
but last year on my seventh anniversary,
I gave my wife a cupcake with a candle in it
and a six pack of non-light beer,
four of which I drank..

The spot where my college diploma 
should be is taken by a picture
of pool-playing dogs and the caption,
"hey, one leg on the floor."

My childhood soccer uniform is not
framed in my office next to other
sports memorabilia from fellow
professional athletes.

Yes, failure follows me as closely
as my little brother did, age four through ten.

But
when I saw that toddler-sized dribble of pee
sporadically hit the inner walls of the toilet 
and then waterfall downward into
the pool of redemption below,
I grabbed my newly potty-trained son's arm,
held it up toward the gods that made it all possible,
and yelled, "gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!"

I followed this up with an acceptance speech
to a still toilet-seated audience member of one,
in which I thanked everyone from huggies pull-ups
to the first years toilet seat company.

Weeks of hard work culminated in this one day,
and I knew
victory was mine.


Details | Chastushka | |

Cold Busted (Chastuska)

Papa, you should blame me not
For you were kissing that girl, 
Your ins and out’s got you caught hot
That’s why Mama rocked your world


Details | Bio | |

You're Going To Get A Good Whoopin Now

there was 
a naughty girl
and a naughty 
girl was she
for nothing 
would she do
but peek at 
christmas gifts
with glee
she would
look for name
like was a game
still curious
and bound
little pokes
in presents
were found
now she
had to
grabbed tape
oops late
in came mom
caught 
without sound
she laughed
I cried
said sorry
gift taken
from thee
how dad
did
spank me



Happy Holidays To All
Love Kathy & Jenny

Entry For Brian Strand's 
Bio Christmas Parlour Poetry Contest
GL All


Details | I do not know? | |

Rehab With a Twist

I think you should go to rehab,
you say noooooooo,
ya youre all wack ,
cause youre on crack,
ya wont go go go,
you wont take the time,
if your gym boys think your fine,
i tried to make ya go to rehab,
ya text LMAO,

You'd rather be at the crib with Mike,
Party at eight, gonna get so high,
Youre a well known smooth talking ladies man,
Your secret crush, cybroman stan,
always brough Jack D. to school,
a few times had to call the man Dr. Drew,

I think you should go to rehab,
you say noooooooo,
ya youre all wack ,
cause youre on crack,
ya wont go go go,
you wont take the time,
if your gym boys think your fine,
i tried to make ya go to rehab,
ya text LMAO,

They would't let you take the medics wheel,
all cracked out, trying to do a deal,
white coat dude had to ask why you here,
You explained you'd been attacked by a dear,
Rubbing alcohol was all you found,
to ease the pain and mellow you down,

I think you should go to rehab,
you say noooooooo,
ya youre all wack ,
cause youre on crack,
ya wont go go go,

You say you dont wanna drink again,
dont want to loose your FB friends,
refusing to spend 2 months,
away from your gym boys and your cybroman love,
whatever helps you sleep,
at night that booze must go bye bye,


I think you should go to rehab,
you say noooooooo,
ya youre all wack ,
cause youre on crack,
ya wont go go go,
you wont take the time,
if your gym boys think your fine,
i tried to make ya go to rehab,
ya text LMAO

Parody of Amy Winehouse's Hit Rehab


Details | Free verse | |

Dead and Gone

Looking at Mister Death in the mirror each day, I chuckle
The idea of worrying about when my time on earth ends
It really is very comical to me in many ways

At age fifty, I have outlived both my father and sister
Fifteen years past my father and ten past my little sister
So, every day I wake up is just plain gravy to me

If anyone in the future finds this ranting poem somewhere
Let me notify you of the central issues of today 
You might find them rather amusing, as I certainly do

Foremost is the obsession of eliminating wrinkles
Women routinely inject poison into their aged faces
They can’t show any sincere emotions, but their face is flat

The next driving fixation is men maintaining erections  
Men spend millions of dollars each day to maintain this power
When watching sports, one knows all men suffer from this disorder 

We must discuss the concern of the temperature on earth
Billions of people, worldwide, think man is burning the planet
And if we don’t turn back into cavemen, we’re all going to die

Let’s review our priorities, here in two thousand and eight
Wrinkle free faces and permanently erect penises
And last, but not least, saving the planet from evil mankind

I would assume, if you’re reading this poem, you must be alien
One hundred years have passed; all human life has ceased to exist
Nothing remains except little blue pills, empty syringes 
And the rusted carcasses old Toyota Priuses

© Copyrights G. Jones 2008


Details | Chastushka | |

Cold Busted

Papa, you should blame me not
For you were kissing that girl, 
Your in and out’s got you caught hot
That’s why Mama rocked your world


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Toastmaster

Breakfast is the most important meal and it’s the one that I like the most,
So you can imagine my disappointment when the chef makes us eat dry toast.

I went down to breakfast today expecting something good to be on my plate,
But when I looked down at what was there I saw the sight I hate.

Toast

This isn’t a meal for grown people to eat it’s just a garnish on the side,
It’s like getting to go to an amusement park but never going on a ride.

I can’t really claim that it’s not food, technically it can be eaten,
At least they could bring some jam so our dry toast could be sweetened.

Toast

Of all the possible foods to eat this really starts my teeth to clench,
Why are you saying, “Pass the syrup?” You mean this toast is French?!

Excuse me all, I’d like you each to raise a glass now to the cooks,
 Let’s wish them health and happiness to go with their good looks.

Toast!


My father in law has Alzheimer’s and is in a very nice facility. 
We visit with him three or four times a week and when we 
do he always has a list of complaints. We know that it is 
the disease talking. Dad was telling us the many reasons 
why he should be allowed to go back to his own apartment 
again. He said that they only gave him toast for breakfast 
that morning. Not only that but it was only a half of a piece 
cut on a diagonal with nothing on it. Just dry toast. Right 
after that he told us how great the food was while he was 
eating ham and sweet potatoes with pineapple.


Details | Verse | |

Breeding A Man

People look and critique ME,
By everything my words and my MANNERISMS.
It’s kind of hard not to have MANNERISMS.
 
When, I was raised by, A MAN.

I guess because my father says, 
“I should be A MAN”,
I have only my father to teach me
What, I need to be TAUGHT.
The toys he BOUGHT
OUGHT,
To be for a child, or a soon to be A MAN.

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

People wonder why I look like A MAN.
I talk like A MAN.
I walk like A MAN.
I dress like A MAN,
I also date the same sex as A MAN!

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why am I looked down UPON?
Because my father wanted to have a SON
But, treated my like the son he never HAD!
All I knew was DAD
Why didn’t I HAVE?
The same toys my friends HAVE!

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why couldn’t I grow up to be NORMAL?
Why do people look at me like I’m ABNORMAL?
I am as NORMAL,
As the next ABNORMAL
Child, growing up without a CHOICE.
I feel pain too, I also feel REMORSE!
But yet no one feels my REMORSE!
Maybe it is their CHOICE.

Yet I don’t UNDERSTAND!

I didn’t buy anything that was BOUGHT!
I learned to fight as my father bred me to,
 	And to fight, as he had FOUGHT!
But it was my father gain and my LOST,

Yet I still don’t UNDERSTAND!

Why? Was I born a girl?
Yet I was BRED A MAN!


Details | I do not know? | |

The Poopy Face

I am having a wonderful day,
I love to laugh, I love to play,
The only thing I need to be happy would be,
My bottle, my teddy, and my pacifier you’ll see.

I just woke from a nice long nap,
I jump around the room, dance and clap,
My tummy is full from lunch and such,
I love to snack, I eat too much.

A rumble in my tummy has stopped my fun,
Starting to frown, my diaper comes undone,
Squinting my eyes, bending my knees,
I push until the problem springs free.

My tummy feels better but this I know,
A smells is following me now wherever I go,
My clean dry diaper is now warm and squishy,
And there’s something mushy on my tushy.

I am starting to get very nervous,
Do I have to cry louder to get faster service?
New diaper scented wipe then,
Clean drawers would make be happy again.


Details | Rhyme | |

Piss and Vinegar

Your full of piss and vinegar
My dad used to say
I don't want to smell like pee
To my mother I'd cry my way

Since I wouldn't use the toilet
The pee turned to vinegar over time
This is how my dad potty trained me
It still works on grandchildren of mine


Details | I do not know? | |

BARBARA'S FATHER

Bobby Burnett bought a barrette    
For wee, bonny Barbara's long braids.  
Braw Bobby beams on wee bonny Babs       
As she gaen through the glens and glades.      


Details | I do not know? | |

THE GOLDEN YEARS

                   The world has heard of the golden years
                            Is it a myth or a phrase
                   When do they begin,when do they end
                    When you are young you can run the race
                    But when you're old you can't wash your face
                     Your bones ache in pain at night
                      Your joints are rusty ,and you lose your sight
                     When they tell you about the pot of gold
                      At the end of a rainbow,you can't hear
                                 Must be the golden years.          


Details | Rhyme | |

Amish Visit the New Mall

Amish Visit the New Mall

By Elton Camp


A new mall opened in the rural town
For the first time Amish came around

The father decided the buggy to park
While wife and son inside did embark

They watched a fat old man step into 
An elevator, a thing they never knew

“Mama, what’s that?” the little boy said
Confused, the woman shook her head

Minutes later the doors opened again
A sight made the woman’s head spin

A handsome man stepped thru the door
Where the ugly man had been before

“Child, obey me now without fear.
Go tell thy father to come in here.”




Details | Free verse | |

The Close Shave

“That was a close one,” he said to me as I walked into his room.
I looked around for whatever he might have thought was a close one.
“What dad? What was a close one?”
Nothing, no response. 
“How was your day today?”
Blink, blink, blink.
“What did you eat for breakfast?”
Sometimes talking about food get’s him conversational.
His eyes gained focus.
 “Barbecued ribs.” 
 “Your favorite.” 
I knew that couldn’t have been breakfast.
“Did you have that for dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, real good. They were tiny, like in a magazine.”
“Good though.”
“Yeah, good.”
Now I didn’t know if he had eaten them or saw them in a 
magazine and thought that he had eaten them.
“Did you get enough to eat? Are you still hungry?”
“I asked for a salad.”
“Did they get you one?”
“Yeah. The ribs were tiny, like in a magazine. Perfect.”
“Good though.”
“Yeah, good.” 
“I’ll make you some this summer, out in the smoker.”
He laughed at that like a kid looking forward to ice cream.
The sun came through the Venetian blinds and striped the room.
Sunlight and darkness.
There was silence for a long time.
His jaw moved. 
I knew that he was eating ribs.
“It looks like they shaved you today. You look good.”
“That was a close one,” he said lifting his hand to his face.
I smiled and walked out of his room.
This is where I came in.


Details | I do not know? | |

A Tale Of Two 'tweens

Two boys in their 'tweens 
Around the time of 1915
Had jobs and chores at home
Couldn't just run and roam

One Saturday when in town
Saw an ad  the circus 
Was coming around
Saved their pennies

Did some work
Couldn't wait to see
What was possible quirks
Thrilled with excitement

When the time came around
Wanted to go all day to town
Around lunch dad said could go
They ran to all the way to show

Longingly waited in the line
Wondering what on the inside
They would finally find
Inside the huge tent

Found seats prefectly fixed
Comfortable in there place
Never knew would have to race
Outside in a heated pace

To be saved from terrible harm
The show had started excitement
Built, someone in the bleachers
Some liquor spilled

Another person who just as careless
Threw down a match that was what set it
Someone yelled fire as the tent went 
Up in flames and the 'tweens

Went jumping, running
Saving their skin
Looking back over their 
Shoulder as they ran

Both hit the brick wall
Of the local dry good store
Knocked flat out pulled
Away from the fire

By some passerby
Lived to tell about it
On another day 
I was glad they were alive that I say

(This is based on a true story that my father told me of this happening to him and his 
brother in Concord around 1912 up to 1915.  They were both just before being a teen ager 
or very early teens.)


Details | Kimo | |

Mrs. Karate


Dad is not happy when mom is with him
Watching a karate film
She employs what she sees





Details | Ballad | |

Early Riser

I work with the lord on sunday
I call this my fun day
For all the people I see 
and the little boys that get close to me

Father this and father that
I hear all day as their on my lap
not again father a few may say
dont worry boy soon enough you'll be gay

learn to like it, hold your breath
or god will make you soon find death.
god can watch or turn the other way
Alls I know is......
God bless Sunday!


Details | Rhyme | |

No Time

No time he spends with us
He says because I fuss,
Fuss that is all I do
But he knows, I'm telling the truth.

The truth the don't want to hear
So he says, I'm fixing to do dear,
I'll be gone for a little while
Until you stop acting like a child.

He don't spend time with us like he should
But you know that's all good,
Words he way that's just a phase
Watch it, God will soon shorten his days.

He claims he's broke and broke all the time
I hope he don't think i'm going to believe that line,
Believe that line that's what he thought
I don't really care that's his fault.

If only he would spend time with us
Then I wouldn't keep up so much fuss,
Then I don't have to drop a dime
If only he would spend a little time.


Details | Rhyme | |

Authoritarianism v Passivism

Papa sat there, quiet, 
Reading his books
Never raised his voice 
Or give you nasty looks

He just read his books 
On metaphysics and inner self
Books I have not seen 
On any library shelf

One day my friend and I decided 
To steal mangos from the neighbour’s tree
When papa found out he sat me down 
And had a quiet word with me

I felt torn up inside 
Remorse for what I did
I used to curse myself 
And say what have you done Sid?

Now Mamma she’s ummmm
A different kettle of fish
When she heard what I did 
It was like signing a death wish

She had a way with words
Colourful they were
And when she moved
Ninja style a blur

I managed to run away
And climb up an avocado tree 
She was lunatic and rabid
The gardener was sent up to get me

I should have run away
She came down on me like a monsoon
My behind was like a plum tomato
I looked like an alpha male baboon

Don’t get me wrong 
The love was there
But do something significantly wrong
Look out, beware

Ask my imaginary friend Glen
This is not a trick
He too felt
The end of her stick


Details | Free verse | |

Green and Scream

Hand me the sugar.
Flour.
Cinnamon.
Don’t forget the chocolate chips!
Oh, and the prank!
The worms!
The worms!
For an added crunch.
Now hurry,
Go cook the bunch.
We need those done,
Before lunch,
To watch daddy turn green,
And mommy to scream!
Shh…. Here they come to eat!
There they go,
Grab the cookies.
What’s this?
No green?
Not even a scream?
Nothing a’tall?
Darn, we were caught by Aunt Charell.
She switched the batch,
But it was such a good catch……


Details | I do not know? | |

My Footsteps...

Sometimes as I lay in my bed, I hear sounds.

Sometimes it can be very loud and then it can be very low.

Just what it is, I don’t know?

Dad say’s it’s all in my head...

He says that I should not be scared.

Mom says it’s just this old house, just settle in.

Almost like when Grand daddy sits in his old chair.

I guess Mom and Dad could both be right? 

Maybe it’s just me and my fear of the night? 

Soon after they leave, I finally settle down.

When all of a sudden!

I hear a loud sound, Boom!

I sprang from my bed and ran down the stairs and what should I see?

It’s just our old dog Ralph and silly little me. 

Oh! What a relief... I’m so glad to see, it’s just Ralph and me...

I guess the only real noise I hear, are just the footsteps of me.


Details | Rhyme | |

Deaf

What did you say? 
I couldnt quite hear.
Could you say it a little louder?
Or should i clean out my ear?

Ha ha ha thats real funny!
Oh... thats not what you said?
Im sorry hunny.



 


Details | I do not know? | |

100 dogs

(This is a fictional poem)

When I was seven, I had 100 dogs and that was too many.
My dad would cuss while my mama spanked my fanny.
They took dumps on the furniture and all over the floor.
When I came home one day, I didn't have them anymore.
I was shocked to learn that all of my dogs had been sold.
That was nearly thirty years ago, now my parents are old.
My furry companions were gone and I was sad because I was alone.
I got even yesterday when I put my parents in a nursing home.


Details | Quatrain | |

Fisticuffs at 42

A tussle
A fray
A skirmish
A soiree

A fracas
A fight
A scuffle
A blight

A scrap
A brawl
A melee
A free for all

A quarrel
A clash
A donnybrook
A birthday bash


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm at the end of my rope

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm in jail because my son stopped going to school.
My cellmate is smelly and I'm fed nothing but gruel.
I'm very depressed and I'm at the end of my rope.
I've been begging my cellmate to take a bath and use some soap.
My son is proud of himself and he brags because he's never cried.
But that will change when I get out of here and tan his hide.


Details | Rhyme | |

GUNS and HOSES

GUNS and HOSES

A charitable fight
Police and firemen
Passing blows through the night.

Having fun.  Drinking some.
Striking their punches hard.
Pow! Thud! Rolling eyes!  Numb.

My, oh, my!  Rugged sight.
Competitive punching.
First hit left.  Next, strike right.

Good compassionate fight.
Raising money for blight.
Passion at home that night!

Nine months later, the sight.
Four firemen’s babies
Birthing on the same night.

One question still remains.
Did police likewise play?
Ooh, La! La! Fun.  And games.

© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
    11-22-09

Dedicated to:  Some good hearted firemen.  But, I'll never tell where!!!  GRINNING!


Details | Free verse | |

Where is The Man?

Where is the man that will feel my pain,
That will cover me during  the storm and the rain?
Where  is the man that will feel my fears,
That will comfort me and dry all of my tears.

Where is the man that will lend a hand,
That will help out his family and take a stand?
Where is the man that will lead by example,
That will mentor his sons, and set the first example?

Where  is the man that will tend to my needs,
Who doesn’t have to wait and hear me fuss and scream?
Where is the man that knows how to pray,
Who has God first to show him the way?

Where is this man?
I just don’t have a clue.
I’m getting desperate by the day,
And I don’t know what to do!

Where is THE MAN!!!


Details | Free verse | |

Playmate

Looking out 
Of our upper room window
Over looking the garage
Where my old court stand still, with
Its ring attached to the cemented wall 
I see my dearest son, five years old
Playing basket by himself
Dribbling the ball
Zigzagging, against the unseen opponent 
Then he jumped, releasing 
A long range shot
And the ball landed into the net. Shoot, three points
So happy to see him, playing
Thou, as he walks to recover the ball, to do it again
I can feel his breath
Heavy and discontented, touching my heart
That made me whisper to the wind
Don’t worry, son
Dad’s rushing enough to give you happiness
I promise you
You’ll have your own playmate
Your beautiful mom is now one month late



Details | Free verse | |

Child of His father(two peas in a pod)

Markmanship, hunting and nature walks
are the activities of choice. 
Anything is fine as long as Dad 
and son are together,
Two peas in a pod.
Round green, black eyes,
purple hulls, zipper full.
Any kind is good in its own way.


Details | I do not know? | |

Shut the damn door!

(This is a fictional poem)

Shut the damn door, it's cold outside!
Shut the damn door or I'll tan your hide!
I'm getting tired of you letting the cold air in.
I took you to the woodshed yesterday and I'll take you there again.

You figure that because you're over seven feet tall, you can give me sass.
I may be shorter than you but I can still kick your ___.
Shut the damn door, it's below zero degrees!
Shut it now or I'll put you over my knee!


Details | Burlesque | |

Build a Better Mousetrap

I'm not all that handy,
nor so very bright too
I sometimes ask dumb questions
that's one thing I'm apt to do

One day I asked my father;
"Say, Dad, what's a ratchet?"
he fixed me with a wise look,
and said, "Son, it's just a
bit bigger than a mouse sh_t!


Details | I do not know? | |

Locked Out

I locked myself out of my house
And also out of my car
It wasn’t the brightest thing I’ve done
Not the brightest thing by far.

I called my mom and daddy,
Thank God I have them still
I asked them if they could please
Unlock my house if they will.

They drove about eighty miles
They had the only spare key
They wouldn’t do it for just anyone,
But they did it just for me.

Yep, I locked myself out of my house
But my parents came to rescue me.
I got spare keys made, so the next time I do it,
I can leave my poor old parents be!


Details | Burlesque | |

Kim's Carnival of Care

She's a sweet young lady
Smart as a whip
Determined, and trustful too
As my ex-coworker
I got to know her through and through
We shared thousands of meals
And thousands of laughs
While this poor girl did all the work
I sat there, shameful, lazily like a jerk
Eating pretzels, reading my book
I'll never understand how she took
Such responsibility at such a young age
With school, and work, and more
Their's only one thing i'm sure of
This young lady I most adore
She's like the long wanted daughter
And best friend as well, you see
When I do something stupid (moi?)
She'll strongly chastise me
When she thinks I've been bibulous
(hey ,I snuck a $10 word in here!)
She'll ream my very soul
She's never very frivolous
She'll just dig me a new ___hole.(  ha ha ha..oooow, that hurts!)

So darling Kim I tell you
How proud you've made me be
A Master's degree is coming!!!
Oh wow and woop woop wee!

I trust you won't get too, too smart
For me to understand
With brains like your's I know for sure
You'll have the upper hand!!


All my love, all my respect...
Keep on truck'en kiddo!!
You're the best!!!

tom the tramp (pretzelman)


Details | Lanterne | |

That's My Pops

                                                            Dad
                                                       Big boss
                                                       Mechnic
                                                    Money maker
                                                            Pops





Tribute To The Wonderful Dads 
Out There   Big Thanks For All
You Do In And Out Of The Household


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm going to tell my daddy on you

(This is a fictional poem)

When People pick on me, I say "I'm going to tell my daddy on you."
All of my friends say that I shouldn't do that because I'm forty-two.
When people bother me, I always tell my dad.
He spanks me because it makes him mad.
Last week my neighbor's daughter stole my tricycle and I was riled
I started sucking my thumb and Daddy said I was acting like a child.
People are wrong when they say I act like a child, a child wouldn't drive a Viper.
But on the other hand, I'm the only forty-two year old man who wears a diaper.
Daddy told me to grow up and act like a man.
I threw a tantrum because I don't think I can.


Details | Rhyme | |

What Took You So Long-? (Mixed Rhyme)

You mastered the art of my father;
He treats you like his younger brother,
Side by side, so happy together
Sailing with you, stead, of his daughter;
You caught big fish, for my sweet mother.

She always welcomes you with her holy kiss;
I’m in charge to cook your favorite dish,
Whilst you and father drinking ouzo, at ease;
‘Cos of you, I forgot to serve the fish---

From the sweat and blood of these men, 
Bound by a brotherly kiss;
Yet, I never have a peace
Of mind, so ere you leave again

I promised myself, you’ll be mine, only mine; 
God, forgive me, I planned to commit a sin, 
Of kissing my father’s friend that my heart’s bind; 
I just don’t want to send this man to the bin. 

Hence, when father was not around, 
I grabbed…kissed him, without a sound; 
He blushed, by my own surprise; 
And, his manly breath intertwined  
With mine; his eyes’ shine, 
And my heart no longer cries. 

Gosh, how sweet ‘twas, his lips; and, ‘cos of the heat
We did not hear my own father’s teasing psst… 
Too late to untangle our lips; we did it, 

The kissing, even when father’s around
From no where, he came without any sound;

He chided us not, for he wanted him 
To be with me, till his last days go dim.

He’s spoken over-used words:  “I love you!”
In a hushed voice, I said, “I love you, too!”

What took you so long…to say you love me?

Don’t you know, in waiting, how hard to be?




Details | I do not know? | |

Some Guys

Some Guys are nasty, Some are not,
Some are pigs and some are hot.

Some shave their face, Some don't,
Some shave their legs but others won't.

Some are boring, some are great,
Some annoy, and some aggrivate.

Some run slow, some run fast,
But don't forget they all pass gas.


Details | Ballad | |

At Bubba's We Spent the Night

We take Bubba home to drop him off 
His father and mother come out, they begin to hack and cough 
His father extends his hand out to shake mine 
My wife says don't be rude, go ahead and shake it, I do so, his hand is covered 
with mucuossy slime 
After shaking his hand, I begin to gag 
The wife with no bra, smiles and hands me a Save A Lot shopping bag 
She takes a swig from her 32 oz brew 
Then offers it to my wife Sue 
I say come on, it is your turn to show manners now 
As she takes a swallow, I watch her face, the expression looked like she was 
trying to give birth to a cow 
Bubba asks his father if we can all stay the night 
The father says fittin' us all in one bedroom will be very tight 
I tell him we will sleep in the kitchen near the back door 
He says pay no mind to critters on the floor 
I ask where is the toilet, I have to go 
He says out back, you're in luck, I just dug a fresh new hole 
I think to myself, this is not the way life should be 
A night at Bubba's I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy 
At 3 am, they are in the kitchen stepping over us getting snacks 
We are offered each a bowl of that famous soup called fatback 
Bubba yells I want my box of cupcakes 
His mom hands a pack of Reelfoot pork hot dogs and says for goodness sakes 
He devours them as if he was in a hot dog eating contest 
Bubba says, after I eat my cupcakes, that will tie me over so I can rest 
A little after 4, Bubba gets his fill 
After breakfast, we were told we can leave on our own free will 
After trying some rocky mountain oysters, it is time we leave 
The dad says we would love to come and stay with y'all on New Year's Eve 
I tell him until 2040 we have plans 
He says that's fine that will give them enough time to collect some aluminum 
cans 
We move to another state with no forwarding address 
Never again putting ourselves in that kind of mess


Details | I do not know? | |

Hermaphrodite

(This is a fictional poem)

My neighbor does something that's out of sight.
He has babies by himself because he's a hermaphrodite.
He has one baby after another.
It's not easy being both a father and a mother.
He was raised to believe that it's wrong for a father and mother to be unwed so 
he married himself.
He has twenty kids so he's not big on wealth.
He wears dresses in public and he looks weird.
He's the only person in a dress who has a beard.
People tell him that he should stop having babies and he agrees.
But he doesn't know whether he's supposed to get his tubes tied or to have a 
vasectomy.


Details | Free verse | |

Free

   Nothing is ever free.
   My body deserves your energy
   but I won't give it up without
   payment says the corner prostitute.
   She's locked up in her deceit, no one
   trusts her and leaves her alone to 
   sulk in the shadows of a ugly home.
   She knows it's wrong, she knows it's
   bad but she won't stop. She can't. 
   Moving faster, not remembering any face
   that left the twenty after the act.
   confused little girl, nothing to live for.
   Searching for the one thing that will
   make her whole again and that's love.
   she would conquer the world, but she
   would never be free until love touched
   her at least once. Tears fell down her 
   eyes as she lied in the dirty gutter. 
   Awaiting the calls that never came.
   None from her family, they didn't 
   care. None from a secret admirer the
   only ones who touched her only did it
   to help themselves. She held the envelope
   in her hands touching the green money.
   Love for the paper now became her new
   high and she worked hard to get hers
   because no one cared so why should she?  
   


Details | I do not know? | |

Cellophane bags

(This is a fictional poem)
When I was a child, I ordered action figures through the mail.
They sent them in cellophane bags and I always caught hell.
I removed the action figures and threw away the bags.
Instead of being trusted, I was constantly nagged.
Mom found some of the cellophane bags when she looked in the trash.
Dad went through my things because he thought I had drugs stashed.
They checked my body for needle marks, they even looked between my toes.
I told them that I didn't take drugs but they wouldn't let it go.
Dad said that I had to be spanked.
He said it would hurt now but one day he'd be thanked.
He put me over his knee and slapped my rear.
I had a porcupine in my pants and it drove Dad to tears.
My parents constantly hounded me during my youth.
They never believed me even though I was telling the truth.
During my prom, I was grounded instead of spanked.
Dad couldn't go to work for days because of the sugar I poured in his gas tank.
When my parents found my flea powder, they thought it was cocaine.
They handcuffed me to the bed and poured it down the drain.
They still think I'm a drug user even though I work for the DEA.
They won't believe me no matter what I say.


Details | I do not know? | |

Sunday

In fog as thick as Sunday morning ever got
There softly stepped a careful waking fool
The pumping blood that hammered in his head
Gave rhythm to the pain that clutched his eyes
He reached a shaking hand to grasp his cup
As whispers of his conscience teased his hackled neck
At times like these the souls of other men
From ill remembered mists arise
And laugh with joy to meet another foolish wreck
In sweat bled fear of where he’s been and why
And as the morning clears from fog to red
He sees why others balk and fear to tread
Upon the paths where other fools have led
And for the umpteenth time begins to swear
To never ever stretch his aching head
Beyond the limits of its solid boney wear
But now there’s one more reason to rejoice
With Happy Birthday greetings from the boys


Details | I do not know? | |

Doll

(This is a fictional poem)

I burned my son's inflatable doll.
He'll have a real woman or no woman at all.
When he learned what I did, he cussed me out.
I took him to the woodshed and he started to pout.

When I found his doll, I was shocked.
Now I know what he was doing everytime his door was locked.
When it comes to my son's love life, it is pretty dim.
Everybody learned about his doll and now no girl will go out with him.


Details | Free verse | |

25 Short Steps

O, it is only 25 short steps, 
For you to take your feet, 
To reach the blue bell.

Don’t turn away from your path,
Nor have you looked back, son;
Go straight ahead. Just there.

There at the majestic blue bell, 
We all will be meeting you,
To listen to its divine sound.

O come on, do not be nervous,
What you’re going to do is simple;
Walk, listen. Then say: yes, I do.

That’s all; can you do that, son? 
Yes, I can do these 25 short steps,
Thou, I’m really nervous. I sweat.
 
But, knowing your loaded shotgun,
Pointing at my back scares me a lot, 
Than taking your princess to a vow.


Details | Rhyme | |

Closer to a Grillionaire


There is a man who made a cool  Mill'..          

    all because of a Foreman Grill.     

Now, I hear through the grape-vine air      

this man is closer to a Grillionaire !


Details | Burlesque | |

Television- for Catie L.

Television-
As American as Chop Suey,
We watch it day and night,
Till our minds get very gooey...

I remember shows,
That are no more,
Ones my dad, or I, 
Did adore

He loved his quiz shows,
A requirement of old age...
(Like moving to Fla. from NY)
I remember when
"The Leakest Wink" was all the rage...

And I knew, when it was on,
Change the channel, I not dare,
Unless it was to see,
"Who Wants To Be A Fridgidaire?"

That Phylis Rayburn,
He was a piss,
My father swore,
He would never miss...

Those goofy game shows,
To me just gamey,
I would rather read,
Than see those shows,
So lamey....

I did like some shows,
Like "Stainfell",
It made me laugh,
Oh, but most shows,
To me were hard to sell..

(Caus'en I is such an Indellectible, as youse can tell)

I've never seen "American Idle"
A car in neutral??
I'd rather see live,
A wave that's tidal!

I've never seen C.S.I.
"Come See Idiots"?
I wonder why?
There's plenty there
Right out on the street-
Why pay cablevision,
For more to meet??

I like some old shows 
That is true,
Like "The Moneyhooners"
"The Old Couple" too...

Some people tell me,
They don't understand
What I often say...
They say since I bought,
That damned "Head Cleaner",
That I can't tell night from day...

What do they know?
I'll put on "The Millinery Channel",
And watch all about...
World War II thread...
They say now I'm nuts,
But that's all in my head!!!


Details | I do not know? | |

Malcolm in the Middle

(Based on the TV show.)

This was a show about Malcolm who's a genius teen.
He had four brothers, a dad and a mom who's mean.
The parents were constantly angry at Reese.
He was a thug who didn't give them a minutes peace.
Francis was sent to military school just because he pierced his nose.
A lot of people laugh when they watch those shows.
Dewey and Jamie were the two youngest boys.
Watching this disfunctional family brings people lots of joy.
Malcolm worked at a grocery store and his mom did too.
He got his ___ kicked by a man on stilts, that was humiliating to go through.
I've spent many hours laughing at these people who are funny.
They had to star as messed up kids but at least they have money.


Details | Free verse | |

Dance, Ballerina

A few years ago,
In the depths of 
my deepest poverty,
I felt like having a drink,
But I had no money
or car,
So now I had to think

Then I remembered
in the basement,
Where my dad had
long ago started 
to buld a bomb shelter,
I had perviously seen
some old booze
And so, now I could
even choose

So down the trap-door
I went,
For the booze I did
follow it's scent
I found it and took,
A rather odd bottle,
that stood out in my look

It was a bottle with
a ballerina inside
Gold flaked liqueur
Many years it sat, untried
So I brought it up the stair
With a reverent sort of care
You could wind it up underneath
And the ballerina would
pirouette, to music of sweet relief

Well, I tried it, and to my surprise,
it was incredibly good, and lit my eyes,
Soon enough, and it was gone,
The best tasting liqueur I'd ever tried

I kept the bottle, so pretty it was,
And vowed I'd get more
And I could use a buzz

When I finally did check
Don't ya know it, oh heck,
No one had a clue,
So I did not know what to do,

Then it came to me real fast
On the internet I'd cast
And find this mystery booze,
That I so wanted to use

It came as such a surprise,
I could bearly believe my eyes,
On good old E-Bay
This is what they did say,

Bol's Ballerina, no longer made,
And if you had a pristine bottle,
You could easily be paid,
$1000.00 dollars or more!
My heart sank through the floor!

It was the most expensive fun I had
Thanks to my now deceased sweet dad.


Details | Free verse | |

Bluebell Park

Only you,  
I want in my arms,               	
Yet I feel you don’t want my own charm.
                      
You know I love you,
“O, run not from me!” I asked; and     
You said: “I’m not, but I want to be free!”

See, your eyes
Are tinged with desire; 
Though you whispered you love me, but…

The way 
You kissed me, 
I fully understand; ok then, you’re free.

Just 
Be careful,
When you play, out there, my dearest son!
 

  


Details | I do not know? | |

I'm Eric Cartman's father

(This is a fictional poem)

I became Eric Cartman's father after I slept with his mother.
She turned out to be a very lousy lover.
A paternity test showed Cartman's mom to be a hermaphrodite.
But I know for a fact that that's not right.
I was drinking booze when I went to South Park about ten years back.
I regret the experience because she's a whore on crack.


Details | Narrative | |

Baby makes one

Fear is all that I sense and feel it is near. Why must I anguish over my pain with 
nothing solid to gain. Once again I check my hat, ruffle my clothes and feed the 
cat. I stare at the wall and can't remember if I ever felt this small.  The phone 
rings with a jar and I almost fall of my chair, and then I run a hand across my 
hair.  I pickup the phone and with a groan and with anticipation I spit out the 
words is it a boy or a girl and with a smile I close my eyes and twirl.