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Couplet Humorous Poems | Couplet Poems About Humorous

These Couplet Humorous poems are examples of Couplet poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Couplet Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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POOR PETER PUMPKIN

Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.

The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.

Finally, the farmer came to check upon poor Peter,
measured him and then exclaimed, “You’ve grown an extra meter!

I think it’s time for you to finally go and face the world.”
Peter got up from his bed. He twirled and twirled and twirled!

“My,” the farmer shouted, “You’ve grown two legs with feet!
You’re a special pumpkin. My daughters you must meet!”

Poor Peter heaved his hefty bulk, waddling away,
following behind the farmer so he would not stray.

They traveled rather quickly, and soon they reached the house.
The daughters saw the pumpkin and grew quiet as a mouse.

The silence lasted just until at last one daughter spoke,
“A pumpkin with two legs? Is this some kind of joke?”

Her father knelt beside her and whispered in her ear,
“Do not be afraid, my child. You’ve not a thing to fear.

We can carve a lantern. It will be your Halloween treat.
Then we can make lots of pumpkin pies for us to eat."

Peter trembled with a chill to hear their horrid plan.
Jumping out the door, he yelled, “Catch me if you can!”

He ran into the pastures. Then he tumbled down a hill.
As  he rolled he bumped into the couple, Jack and Jill!

“Oh dear me,” cried Peter, “I do not wish to be
a lantern for this Halloween. Please, can you guys help me!”

Jack and Jill then led him to the land of Nursery Rhymes.
His sad fate has now been told to children many times.

For he ran across a man named Peter Pumpkin EATER.
Maybe you can guess now what became of our poor Peter!

10~12~14
Contest: Halloween Co-Writes
Sponsor: Diane Locksley
Written By Jan Allison & Andrea Dietrich
~awarded 1st place~


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IT'S NOT QUITE SHAKESPEARE

Tubby or not tubby fat is the question! Jan Allison 21st November 2014


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Our Christmas Eve Dinner

'Twas our Christmas Eve dinner; we all had sat down at the table to eat. Grandma couldn’t be found! We children were fussing; Dad rose to his feet. shouting, “Where are you, Ma? We’re ready to eat!” When from the next room we heard such a noise Jenny squealed, “Santa Claus must have brought toys!” We then heard a sound like a whimpering pup saying, “Help. I’ve fallen and cannot get up.” Grandpa jumped up and then rushed to the door that led to the bathroom. There on the floor lay our poor grandma, eyes widened in fear, looking like she’d got run over by reindeer! The dresser had fallen. It had her pinned down. Grandma was wildly flailing around. More swiftly than Rudolph, we did all we were able. We unpinned her. Then Mom yelled, “Back to the table!” Back to the dining room all we kids came As our mom started to call us by name. “Davy, Mel, Jenny, Angie, Marie. . . Get back here now. I’m counting to three!” Like animals not having eaten all day, stuck in a cage without getting their way, we sat at that table our bellies all growling, and Davy, the baby, by now was howling. And then finally what did appear? Dad with our grandpa and grandma so dear! Supported by both our grandpa and dad, Grandma was flushed and looking quite bad. She was dressed in a housecoat trimmed in white lace and a big purple bruise had now formed on her face. Mom pulled out a chair helping Grandma to sit, and then our dad bellowed, “OK, have at it!” Our mouths how they watered to see the large ham. “And that isn’t all,” said Mom, “I made lamb!” Her small pretty mouth was turned up in a grin, “The food’s getting cold now. Children, dig in.” Our dad how he laughed as he poured lots of gravy onto his potatoes and kidded with Davy. And Grandma sat smiling despite her great fall while Grandpa gulped spiked nog, not talking at all. With eyes that seemed bigger than my own belly, I dished out big spoonfuls of cranberry jelly. Mom winked and I knew I had nothing to dread. Her pleasure was in us all being well fed. I went straight to work at stuffing my face when suddenly Mom said, “We didn’t say grace!” We closed our eyes listening to our dad’s prayer. I peeked but was met by my mom’s warning stare! Dad finished the prayer with a hearty Amen. Then we were all grabbing Mom’s fixings again. When the food had all vanished and our stomachs hurt, we heard Dad exclaim, “So what’s for dessert?” For the Children's Christmas or Holiday Tale - Poetry Contest of Carol Eastman


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An Unusual Colonoscopy

I stepped in for my first colonoscopy. I was nervous everyone could see
I had a choice to be awake or put out if I was skittish...but no not me

I chose the former so I could watch my own ass on TV
They go right up your canal with a camera like an RV

Imagine my surprise when up my butt they found my phone
The tiny ones they use to make before the smart cell phone

But here's the clincher it was set on vibrate. The doc was suspicious
"My wife insisted" I told him "she bribed me with cake. It was delicious"

Then the doctor red faced handed me something, said "what's this"
I borrowed his bifocals. It was a rolled up playbill. He looked pissed.

"I can explain. It's dated Sep. 8, 2001. That's my wife's 40th birthday
We were drinking. We lost it, got a fancy room right after the play"

He handed me one more thing, a broken pencil if you will
"I'm a mathematician. I was constipated I took a special pill

Then I used math to work it out with a pencil. This one I suppose 
It broke. I thought I got it all. I guess I didn't. I mean who knows?"

The good news is the test went well my colon was clear
They found nothing threatening just stuff that was queer

I must admit however ever since that very day I live in absolute fear
That doctor knows my wife's father. I tell  you this, in case I disappear



10/02/2014


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Horse From Mars

HORSE FROM MARS

It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.

With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse. 

Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.

I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE

I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.

No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"

I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.

They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.

I also have many pictures of a  UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.

We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.

Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.

I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.

When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.

I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.

In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.

I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse. 

   ~SKAT~
       &
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)

re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST


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WHICH CAME FIRST

Which came first the chicken or the egg... Personally I think it may have been the cock Jan Allison 28th November 2014


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I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE

You were always close by when I needed you so I’m really sorry but I have to let you go You were always there to comfort me But I don’t need you in my life anymore I held you so gently in my hands You were always there to wipe away my tears Sorry I’ve got to drop you so suddenly You were always there for me in my hour of need Guess I’m going to have to put my tissue in the bin Jan Allison 21st November 2014


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for our collaboration cheater-tim smith

Absent for three days, not more, not less,
Do you have something you want to confess?

I see that you've been getting around,
Leaving your ink prints all over this town.

Jan, Charmaine, Seren and even Mystic,
Has there been others your words did lick?

Passionate words, humor, and even sweet,
You've given out your candy, say trick or treat.

I thought while I was away, your pen was in your pocket.
But you found other home runs, out of the ball park you knock it.

Don't get me wrong this isn't poetic wife jealous,
I just wish that you would have invited me!

I would have taken pictures, just say cheese,
We could have all written poems about birds and bees.

Tim I hope you used poetic protection while I was away,
It's good to see you have the stamina to write it your way.

Ladies get your hands on Tim, now while the gettings good,
And Tim keep your pencil sharp is that understood!



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Dreaming

Will poems to my dull senses rise,
     In plainer garb, or apt disguise?
Can turn of phrase else serve an end,
     To vanquish foes or win a friend?

What ardor gains a rhyme’s release,
     To grant me treasured moment’s peace?
So is it merely hubris’ child,
    That lets me dream I’m Oscar Wilde!

2nd Place, Best Poetic Form, Poet Destroyer A


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RUDOLPH THE BROWN NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph paled because his nose turned brown He couldn’t smile so he wore a frown Santa wiped a tear from the reindeer’s eye He hated to see poor Rudolph cry Santa sprinkled on some Christmas dust The nose is now red not a dark shade of rust So look out of your window on Christmas night You will see Rudolph’s red nose shining bright Jan Allison 6th December 2014


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THE PERFECT GIRL

You asked me if I knew ‘the perfect girl for me’
I think I’d be ideal but sorry I’m not free

I’ve got a lovely friend she is Mary from the dairy
On second thoughts no as her legs are much too hairy

Of course there is Annie she’s got the most enormous fanny
It would look better on an elephant the resemblance is uncanny

Oh I forgot about Susie she’s got quite a dark moustache
When you went to kiss her you’d get a stubble rash

I’ve got a stunning Thai friend but he is a lady boy
Beautiful on the outside but in bed you’d get no joy

Then there is Melissa she got the biggest boobs
She gets them out for fun you can see her on You Tube

I wouldn’t introduce you to my mate Regina
She’s had 8 children she’s got a very slack vagina

Poor old Ellie has got the most humongus lips
They’d look better on a trout she’s not one you’d want to kiss

I guess the perfect girl simply does not exist
So sorry to disappoint you please cross me off your list

Jan Allison
10th September 2014


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IT'S MINE ALL MINE

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine You buzz around and make my life hell Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot So buzz off pesky wasp or you I will swat Jan Allison 1st November 2014


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SQUASHED BOOBIES

Tonight I found a letter on my doormat
It was addressed to me – oh fancy that

I opened it and it does say
Please come for a mammogram one Monday

My heart sank like an enormous stone
With sinking spirits, I let out a huge moan

They take one of your very precious ‘norks’
Clamp it so hard your eyes pop out on stalks

Then leave you imprisoned and take a pic
Tell you it may be uncomfortable – just a little bit

They lied, they lied, they blooming lied
I found it so painful I could have cried

Oh joy of joys now they must do the other side
One boob squashed like a pancake, the other I want to hide

But they get you quick before you can escape
They need to scan both boobies there can be no mistake

Men and women can BOTH get breast cancer
Checking your breasts regularly is the answer

Jan Allison
15th September 2014


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OH FANCY THAT

You lead me to the bedroom I couldn’t believe the size Asked me how I liked my eggs I replied ‘unfertilised’ I said please don’t be so forward I’d prefer a little less idle chat For I’m only viewing a show home… Now what do you think of that! Jan Allison 20th November 2014


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Aphrodisiacs

Oh honey, oh honey are you coming to bed
I assure you, my darling, this thing ain't dead

I've swallowed some oysters, and eaten a fig
Just wait and see, it's going to be really big

I know that happened last time, it won't happen again
Got chocolate to get blood, pumping through my vein

You're right I'm forty and on that anti-depressant drug
But it doesn't mean we can't get freaky down on the rug

For lunch I had an asparagus,avocado, and arugula salad
Come closer my princess, for I'm the dark knight in this ballad

I 've tried coffee, honey, pomegranate, yohimbe and beets
For a night of deep passion and to share in your treats

Oh honey, oh honey come join me in bed
I need to hold you closely and rest my head




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From Life of a Cat

From Life of Cat

From life of a cat what can we learn?
Never have seen one wearing a sunburn
Our cat we do have that does exist
Seems to think he is a ventriloquist.

Took meow test and great grade he made;
To write poems even tried to persuade
Sweet and low chariot was met by a meow
And what I am about to learn no one knew.

In our house, cat has a humble place to live
Sufficient food and water to him, we will give
But when he wants to eat by himself alone
He likes ice cream served on a crunchy cone.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
So where is the cat poem contest at?


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When It Comes to Someone

When It Comes to Someone

When it comes to someone who can scratch
Compared to our cat, there is no match
Always likes looking around and will lurch 
Trying to search for a place to perch.

This is my entry for cat poem contest
Which I'm sure definitely will be the best
Cat poem anyone would love and laud;
With forehead, my cat gave this a nod.

My cat to me has always been nice
Every place which we go will be paradise;
My eyes were wide open and would not squint
Trying to find out where he had went.

Around whole house did look and look
Turned over boxes and then them shook
From somewhere with a loud meow he said
How about looking under your big bed.

Now why didn't I think of looking there
For my cute cat who is beyond all compare
Wondering under bed could he possibly fit
When I stuck in hand, my finger got bit.

James Thesarious Hiloarious Horn


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Man in Kitchen

Man in Kitchen

So this is it, this place I’ve never been
I wander in and find it’s kept pristine
So this is where she disappears
And later on the food appears

Ah well! I’ll have to do my best
I think I’ll try that chicken breast
All I have to do right now
Is figure out the where and how

Unsuccessful, heaven knows
Why these things come all froze
But of one thing now I’m sure
There’s nothing for me in that drawer

Boiled potatoes, that sounds nice
Maybe with a pan of rice
Doors are banging, pans are flying
She can’t say that I’m not trying, hah

How much rice should I whack in
Sod it, shove the whole pack in
In the pan the waters pouring
This cookery I’m am so exploring

Pans are bubbling, all seems well
I’m creating such sweet smell
Now I see the rice exploding
And potatoes are imploding

This is harder than I thought
An easy meal I tried to sort
All my efforts are now gloop
So think I’ll fill on poetrysoup

Later on that night she says
Lets move the earth in many ways
Sorry dear, tonight no quakes
I have one of your headaches


Richard D Seal

11 March 2013











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Mighty Mighty Spider

Now usually when a spider finds its way into my home
I squash it right away saying, hey my space alone

But one day I came upon a fuzzy little spider there upon my dryer
Frantically running up and down the chrome strip which looked like a mirror

He bravely reared up and fought this villain in his way
Up and down this battle raged a good part of the day

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, but he didn't care
He boldly continued his plight, the enemy was near

The battle over and he's laying still, I wonder to myself
Was it victory? Or was he awaiting his pending death?

I gently took him outside and placed him on a tree
And told him, you're the mightiest little spider I ever did see

©Donna Jones


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THERE'S A NIP IN THE AIR

The north wind is blowing and it’s turning cold I’m feeling quite chilly I guess I’m getting old I’ve finally dug out my sexy thermal vest It’s snug and warm and covers my hairy chest It’s silky and soft and causes no ripples Hides my boobies and covers my nipples Jan Allison 15th October 2014


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KITCHEN MONSTER

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’ve got a secret to tell I’ll whisper it to you; as I don’t like to yell I’ve discovered a monster living in my house It’s very very quiet, as quiet as a mouse The biscuit tin is empty, not even a single crumb Yet the packet was brand new, not even undone All the chocolate is gone, oh what can I do If I find the culprit I’ll bid him adieu He invades my fridge when I’m not looking I’ve not poisoned him yet as he survives my cooking A miracle has happened since my son returned to university I’ve not had to keep the kitchen cupboards under lock and key 10~12~14 Contest: Monsters and Marvels Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi ~awarded 4th place~


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WHO ATE ALL THE PIES

When they married he was as thin as a rake But his wife she loves to bake She thinks the way to his heart Is to practice her culinary art He’s been eating all her pies You should see his thunder thighs He’s in love, this he cannot disguise Now his tum is as wide as his eyes His wife puts on a good spread Has his fill then he falls into bed He’d love a bit more bedroom action But he can’t get no satisfaction Apple pies make him tired and sleepy His mum thinks he’s looking quite peaky He would love to go on a diet But his wife wont let him try it She says cooking is her passion As for sex that’s now on ration He can’t live like this any more Packs his bags and heads for the door Moves out and joins a new gym Loses weight and starts to get thin Meets a girl on an exercise bike Tells his wife she can 'go take a hike' Now he’s happy with the girl of his dreams And his clothes aren’t bursting at the seams 10~08~14 Contest:-Plentitude of Pies Sponsor:-Sheri Fresonke Harper ~awarded 15th place~


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The Lover

The lover, bold beyond his years, 
loved when she held him by his ears, 
as in their bless'ed mingling place, 
he kissed her as he washed his face.
For ever he'd have stayed down there, 
but for his need to rise for air.
And at the end when they both rose, 
up from their lust to put on clothes, 
he saw within her looking glass, 
his naked image, sagging arse, 
and knew his past did best his future.
Or they don't make mirrors like they useter.


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I'VE CAUGHT A COLD

Sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze Oh I wish my sore throat would ease Razor blades of pain are shredding my throat And I’ve got so much snot I could launch a boat My nose is as red as Rudolph’s and it’s oh so sore I’m feeling achy and miserable this cold I simply do abhor My temperature is high – I’m having a hot flush I look a terrible mess; my hair is in need of a brush Guess I will have to smile when hubby says I’m ‘hot’ Good job he loves me whether I look a wreck or not Jan Allison 21st October 2014


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Why Medicare Is Goin' Bust

A feller went to the doctor's office 'cause he wasn't feelin' well.
The doctor said, "You ain't lookin' all that swell, this I can tell!"

He had a banana stuck in his right ear and a celery stalk in his left!
From his nose dangled a pair of carrots thus leavin' him quite bereft!

The doc without further examination relieved him from his plight,
Sayin', "You gotta change yer eatin' habits!  You're not eatin' right!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Meow Meow

Here kitty, kitty. Come out and play
I have a new bow for you today
You tore the blue one out so quick
With angry paw…you seemed quite ticked!
I want to dress you and show you off
So all the other bows I now have tossed
No purple or green to match your eyes
Or orange, nor pink that you despise
Polk-a-dots were just not right for you
You tore them to shreds a time or two
No stripes or plaids are in my hand
For these I know you could not stand
The white one was lost in your white fur
When it came out you purred and purred
Here kitty, kitty, now don’t you tease
I’ve a red one here that’s sure to please

1/10/13
Written for “Hello Kitty (World)” members contest.


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Catch My Drift



Strange how it goes, they're waiting their turn To flood my thoughts, these ideas to burn Other times nothing, just rack my old brain Get all pooped out, my attempts are in vain Is there no place smack dab in the middle Where rhymes reside and efforts are little Why do we suffer a blankness at times There must be a pill for starting these rhymes Oh well, I'm really having the time of my life Annoying struggles just add to the spice We'd ALL be poets if these rhymes came easy Wouldn't stand out with our words so breezy Do you catch my drift, am I making any sense Keep plugging away, don't be so damn tense Rhymes will soon come, have ye no doubt Flooding your brain, you'll stand up and shout Lordy, I'm a poet just knew it all along My heart doth sing a happiness thong! © Jack Ellison 2013


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The Wet Patch - collaboration between Seren Roberts and Mandy Tams

 
Collaboration between
Seren Roberts and Mandy Tams:
 
The Wet Patch
 
Why sit with a frown is there a need?
Yes she whispered in my ear, I think I peed.
 
My knickers are wet, I dare not move at all
If I stand up, down they will surely fall
 
Your knickers are wet, ha I did scoff
But I made sure I did, no laugh or a cough
 
For under my seat I would then have to peer
As there may be a puddle just under here
 
Went shopping before we met for lunch
Hoped lollies would stay frozen, so I could crunch
 
Put it in my handbag, sat upon my lap
Decided to eat quickly, so no mishap.
 
But lunch took quite a while  
We had a laugh and a smile.
 
The lollies got hot, and then they did melt
I felt a cold patch sneak under my belt.
 
I swept off the table cloth wrapped it round like a toga
To everyone watching I said ‘it’s a new move in yoga'

To the bathroom I ran and locked the door
I dropped my wet undergarments, onto the floor
 
Knickers now down, I could see the stain
Was orange not pee and that I still maintain
 
I sniffed at my undies and then I did think
They smell of oranges, as I rinsed in the sink

 I hadn’t peed at all, twas not a mishap
My ice lollies had melted, wetting my lap
 
Next time you see an old dear with a wet patch on her frock
Remember it might be a lolly, so you better not mock
 
One day you know that old dear will be you
So to yourself and to others you must always be true
 
A wet patch you may see, but no lollies are there
So offer her some wipes, but don’t sit on her chair
© 2013
 
 


 


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Kind of Thought

Kind of Thought

Kind of thought about and contemplated
How a roaring fire becomes acclimated
Where you sit around and get used to of
Like so much and eventually fall in love.

There are things about fires that are roaring
When available, they are completely adoring
Especially If preferred name is Poetry Explorer;
One I make for her will be a big roarer.

Then also in you must start to confide
Be sure to take all of this in stride
So simple may be my benevolent words
They love being heard in great big herds.


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Little Bo Peep

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep!

   Serves her right for fallin' asleep!

      Pa wasn't happy about this turn of events,

         And sent her to bed after spankin' her pants!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Log Cabin Sex Life

I can’t help but wonder, about the blunder, of building a one room log cabin,
Where man and wife, lived a private life, ‘til kids became real, not imagined

With no partitions, or new additions, you’d think their sex life would run ashore.
But they both knew, how to make it through, by inventing a thing called the chore.

As each kid did sprout, pa had to go out, and think up a new job for the tot.
He soon realized, that for his farm’s size, there were more tots then jobs to be got.

And the matriarch, made the remark, that inside we plum ran out of space.
So they tried to rid, their house of kids, as fast as were made in the first place.

At last the last lad, made a nice lass glad, got married and had a grand party,
But pa had ma’s hind, right on his mind; they arrived at the party, tardy.

Well all went ok, until the sad day, when the old man’s life ran out of time.
And then poor ma, lost her chutzpah, plus the cabin exceeded its prime.

So ma did call, her last son Paul, asked if he knew what she should do then,
He said oh dear, I just moved here, and that we don’t even have a den.

But son relents, and acts the gent, there is space in one nook of our room.
If you feed cows, and all the sows, cause heck ma, I’ve got a new bride groom.



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Tweedle-dum And Twiddle-dee-dee

Tweedle-dum and twiddle-dee-dee!

   Fiddle-faddle and fiddle-dee-dee!

      Now who can make sense of that silly verse?

         Now that I think on it, I've written much vurse!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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More Than One

Quizmasters often test mentalities, 

by asking folks to name pluralities, 

of things of many different sorts.

Like, soldiers might be called 'cohorts'.

There are 'flights' of geese and jets and stairs,
 
my socks are sometimes found in 'pairs'.

A young girl's curls could hang in 'bangs',
 
and crooks might hang about in 'gangs'.

Such gangs could join to form a 'mafia',
 
alas that only rhymes with 'raffia'.

Apes, as you'd know, can make a 'shrewdness',

could rednecks joined become a 'rudeness'?
 
And though Collingwood fans are two a penny,
 
more than one is just 'Too Bloody Many'.

Unless you have been in the same pub or football ground with Collingwood fans, or on the same train or tram or continent, you will never understand.


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Your lips

Close-clenched lips 
stop tongues' slips.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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BS College Degree

It has always been my naïve, farm-boy assumption,
That one attends college to attain a degree of gumption!

And furthermore that Daddy sends his kid to college,
Not so much to party but to obtain a modicum of knowledge!

I assume that the autocrats who abide in Washington D.C.,
Have attended college and somehow earned at least a BS Degree!

BS stands for Bachelor of Science Degree without equivocation,
But it seems in Washington, BS has assumed a different connotation!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Spun Fun

                               SPUN FUN 

I wonder about nonsense and things that are askew,
Like, if you strangled a Smurff would it's face turn Blue?
And is Rudolf's nose really as bright red as they say?
I mean, would you recognise him if you saw him in May?
 
Sentences we use are strange and wonderful to decide,
Why do we say stairs are indoors and steps are outside?
We're always looking for something that’s left us bereft
If you lost your left arm would your right arm be left?
 
I watch sports on TV the player's struggling in a ruck,
I mean, I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Why don't cemeteries explain the prices they're giving?
They just moan and blame it all on the cost of living!
 
Science and its wonders and the knowledge they spark.
If they are so cleaver, answer me, "what’s the speed of dark"?
But my brain starts to throb and the questions grow dim.
And the fool inside me says, good night to me and him.


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Good Grief

You’re starving and craving a pizza. The topping you want is ground beef. But they only have got what you hate: pepperoni! Good grief! You cannot agree with your newest friend’s crazy belief. She screams at you, causing a big scene in public: Good grief! You went on a cruise. Now your group’s at a popular reef. Under water, you’re diving. The boat leaves without you! Good grief! You have to go meet with your workplace department’s new chief. Then you find out the guy is the neighbor that hates you. Good grief. You’re told that the wait for your doctor is sure to be brief. At last it’s your turn, but he’s called out for surgery. Good grief! There’s only one pill on the market that gives you relief. It’s the one your insurance won’t cover at all. Good grief! There’s trouble a plenty that robs you of time like a thief. However, be glad if the worst that you get is GOOD grief!


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A friend

Who else, if not a friend,
turns up to rap and rend?

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Standup for Jack

Good old Jack wants more poems that are funny
With some humor I might make some money

I could do standup make them all chuckle
Wear a cowboy hat and a big buckle

My jokes might be lame, my spirits may sink
I'll get more funny, once they start to drink

I'd talk bout the country, home on the range
maybe bout my horse, perhaps that is strange

Some cowboy Karaoke might do the trick
If only I could sing they may not get sick

I will give it a try for my good friend Jack
It won't last very long so I will be back

Dedicated to Jack Ellison.


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Valentine

No valentine on Valentine's.
I haven't met one yet.
Each year I wait another
for a person I've not met.
There's nothing I've done wrong:
yet waiting is in vain.
And all that's left is hope
that love's a ball and chain.


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Skittles the Escape Artist

Oh, finely feathered fellow
with plumage of green and yellow,
your Houdini-esque abilities
and astounding circus-like agilities
make my flabby jowls drop with surprise
at how easily your hooked beak can prise
any dwarf-sized opening in your cage,
to open so easily, under your gauge.
Your stuffed, fat, feathered body can
fit through anything. Yes, I'm a fan.
Your squeaky, squawky, shrill talking
lets me know my efforts you're mocking
as I try to burglar proof your cage
as you shriek at me in indignant rage.
You really should hope that I succeed
because if I don't, the cat you'll feed.


04/04/2013
~~~ for Suzanne's Synathroesmic  Cat contest ~~~


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DOG

It
Bit!


[I wrote this one when I was a school boy - it's my stab at the shortest poem in the world ever]


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Fruit Cakes

Puzzled are the recipients of a fruit cake from Santa Claus this year!
Seems that Yuletide ain't complete 'less you git one to bring you cheer!

Fruit cakes are much maligned and I'm here to set the record straight!
However, I must admit 'tis one of the most bizarre things I ever ate!

Even a mediocre chef can be very creative in concoctin' such confection,
Tossin' in all kinds of dubious stuff and whippin' it up to perfection!

Yule never know what Yule find when into a fruit cake you slice!
You just have to take yer chances!  'Tis a proverbial roll o' the dice!

Should you choose not to eat the thing for fear of breakin' a tooth,
There are numerous functional uses fer this lowly delicacy, forsooth!

They make a wonderful door stop, foot stool or a very formidable missile,
When hurled at yer neighbor's yappin' mutt, that ever makes you bristle!

This is a not so subtle reminder so as in your mind there'll be no doubt,
If you're givin' fruit cakes as gifts next year, please include me out!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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A Welcome Reception

A Welcome Reception
or Receptionist and a Poetry Recital

Take care of dolls and put them on display
And a story each one will have to say
About the time there was such a hush
Because their teeth they forgot to brush.


They were all afraid to smile anymore
Gums were starting to get mighty sore
And soon a cavity appeared in each tooth
Not unusual but unfair and very uncouth.

Receptionist such a sweet smiling was wearing
For her teeth religiously is always caring
You should have a smile that looks like mine
She said after her and my eyes would entwine.

Could hardly breathe when I saw her teeth
Brushed all around, on and gums underneath
Then a tremendous thought to me occurs;
God, make my teeth look as good as hers. 

I can see my dentist's receptionist smiling and 
laughing and eyes twinkling right now as she 
reads this. Will be seeing them next Tuesday
but forgot what time. Oh, and is the coffee
water warm yet? When do you want to hear
my dental poetry recital?

Jim Horn


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Meltdown

Meltdown Put chocolate in your pocket on a warm summer day, Then gracefully try to unwrap it and you’ll find there is no way!


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A BUG IN A BATH

A BUG IN A BATH

I'm what you call a bug
When humans see me they go UHG

Humans don't care about my needs
Or my sometimes good deeds

But such bothersome things
Roll right off my wings

When I can dip my feet
Blistered from the heat 

In the bird bath for which I'm looking
When on a hot day I'm cooking

But the frog over there
Is beginning to stare

I'm sure he sees me as a meal that's free

So I'll jump quick in this pool
And swim fast like a fool 

BECAUSE

A nice cooling splash
And this bug revives fast



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A good nose

A dog's, if not a doc's, good nose 
is good enough to diagnose.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Texting

My spouse and I were ushered to our table by the Maitre d'.
We noticed right off that it was strangely quiet as could be!

Zombies sat at their tables, heads bowed as if in meditation.
Many with glazed eyes as if in la la land under sedation!

I noticed that each held a small gadget in hand,
And deft thumbs clicked away to beat the band!

Each was 'texting' oblivious to family and friends.
Concentrating only on their 'receivings' and 'sends'!

Conversation was limited to an occasional, "Pass the salt, please!" 
I was fearful of being tossed out of the place should I dare sneeze!

I mused, "Will future generations learn to text before they can walk?
Lord have mercy!  Will kids in the future even know how to talk!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved




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Sage Advice From George Washington

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your reputation!"

This sage advice was offered by George Washington, the father of our nation!

'Tis but one of many wise adages to us he did bequeath.
 
Can be said that truer words were never spoken through falser teeth!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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What A Sight

take a glance
at those pants
hanging down low
giving us a show

we laugh with delight
at the sight
while we stare
at your underwear


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Bag of Cats

He wanted to be a country star.
But with that voice he couldn't get far.

Compared to a cat with stomach pain.
Who'd ever want to hear him again?

He packed the truck got behind the wheel
So he could search for a record deal

They plugged their ears still he had some style
And you could hear that voice for a mile

What the heck they said, lets take a chance
He smiled and accepted his advance 

I guess they're looking for something new
In his case it certainly is true

Music is supposed to make you feel
I guess that's why he got the deal

I give him credit he chased his dreams
Now Freddie makes all the young girls scream


Dedicated to my friend Freddie
The title track is call The Cat Whisperer




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Like a Folk Song

Where should I go and just how far
When I am playing on a great guitar?
Up and down its very illusive neck
Before I soon become a total wreck.

Each string I'm sure is supposed to sound
Like no one else should try to be around
Along with me and my magnificent melody
Making it seem like I had a lobotomy.

With my aggressive guitar and brain wave
I will more than likely land in my grave;
Of everyone thought that I was well ahead
But my music is unpopular and by now is dead.

Last licks I got in were short and not long
Making it surely sound like a soft folksong
We thought was sung by Mo, Curly and Larry
Who actually were  Peter, Paul and Mary.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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I'M A PO-ET

People tell me that I’m now a poet I've still got a lot to learn and don’t I know it I like to write with humour and wit You may like my writes or think they are rubbish (couldn’t think of suitable rhyming word here) Some days my ideas just flow and flow Other days my muse has a long way to go I hate the days my brain is constipated When I can’t find the words I get so frustrated I need a dose of Movicol to get my movement going Blockage will be cleared and my poems will be flowing Other times my words gush like verbal diarrhoea Inspiration flows like a river and I whoop and cheer Thought I’d share this with you and keep you in the loop You can read my outpourings here on Poetry Soup Jan Allison 1st October 2014


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Horny Toad

Said his lover to the horny toad:

"Buster, you can hit the road!

A 'horny' Romeo you ain't,

And here's the basis of my complaint!

I don't know why they call you 'horny'!

'Tis a gross misnomer and is so very corny!

When it comes to romance you are dead!

You're about as sensual as a loaf of moldy bread!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved

For those not acquainted with horny toads.  They are a species that sport horns on
their heads, therefore, called horned or horny toads and are quite common here in
Colorado.  I have no personal knowledge of a "horny" toad's sexual activities but 
apparently the little lady toadette in this poem is upset about it!


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Diamonds in the sky - A girl's starry friends

a world changing impact a horrific explosion leaving a crater sixty two miles wide                loss of life can not be estimated an asteroid slams into Russia's countryside        -                               -                                                                                          But It may be the death of a diamond cartel for this event happened long ago                    and far away leaving diamonds all over this giant diamond clustered  bowl              -           -                                                                                                                           Trillions of carats fell more best friends than a woman could ever wear                            diamond remnants scattered from the sky is why cartels beware                         - John Beam


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Univocalic rant

A vast rant can last and mask a task                                                                                a paragraph alas chants as a vacant flask                                                                         Mass ask as a gas and pass a glass at last                                                                       a tall mast as jazz blasts and all stand fast                                                                        Past that an A flat and as day casts a bad ray                                                                    Say nay and bray play away calm as a bay                                                                     Blatant fragrant may cart away a vagrant                                                                         as a stray and array a lad mad as a lay cant


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Money for Nothing

my mental health 
won’t bring me wealth

except on game shows
where I’m counting toes

Dire Straits sang Money for Nothing
if that’s true I would even sing


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Life Sans Soup

Ah, life would surely be tasteless without a ladle of Soup each day!
Ah, the variety of delectable verse to choose from that bountiful buffet!

There is romantic verse, hot and spicy, to warm the cockles of the heart!
Inspirational and insightful poems from the poets' very souls to impart!

So delightful are the witty and humorous ditties that evoke a grin,
And so are the spiritual writes that warn us against the perils of sin!

We learn so much from the historical ballads written by our creative peers,
And read of the vicissitudes of life that bring the hardest of hearts to tears!

Others write of the brave deeds of soldiers that swell our breasts with pride.
Still, others write of the grandeur of God's Creation so great and wide!

'Tis so pleasing to read glowing tributes to others written from the soul!
We enjoy tales of cowboys, their saddle sores and favorite watering hole!

Poetry Soup offers splendid opportunities for budding poets and is first rate,
But the folks who ladle out the Soup to receptive minds are what make it great!

Ah, life would certainly not be complete without my Soup 'fix' each day!
Ah, the variety of delectable verse to choose from that bountiful buffet!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in David Williams' "Life Without Soup" Contest - February 2012


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A peach and a speech

The bigger the peach, 
the better the chance to catch up someone's speech.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Not On Golf Course

Not On Golf Course

If his performance was both perfect and pleasing
And days of his long life were continually increasing
How much better could he possibly, really be
Once mind and sex from body have been set free?

Regardless of when you ever want to start winning
In everything will be a start as well as a beginning 
So in poetry writing and performance set a pace
And think of all the new challenges you must face.

God gave me what I needed for my every effort
Along with comforting others when they are hurt
Use my poems as example of something worth seeing
But not on golf course when off you are teeing.

Jonathan Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran


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According To The Mayan Calendar


Per the Mayan Calendar the world was to end on the twenty-oneth of December!

I called my preacher who knows about celestial things and he couldn't remember,

Receiving any such revelation from his Boss Up There about any pending disaster!

I breathed an unfeigned sigh of relief since I have great confidence in my pastor!

Well, the twenty-oneth of December came and went with no change that I perceived!

The only amazing thing to me on that day was how the population can be deceived!

The Good Book espouses over and over that "We knoweth not the time nor day!"

I reckon all we can do is behave ourselves 'til that day or there'll be 'ell to pay!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Let's Control Pressure Cookers

For years preachers have ranted and raved to control the activities of hookers!
Well, I'm proposin' that the guv-mint control the sale and use of pressure cookers!

We've seen the havoc these lethal weapons wreaked upon Olde Boston Towne.
Congress should act, now that the furor over gun control is settlin' down!

There should be background checks on little old ladies who have a yen for one,
And there should be a waitin' period to buy one just as there is for a gun!

Even though they may be designed to hold twelve quarts when locked and loaded,
Congress should limit capacity to six quarts so as not to be accidentally exploded!

I'm really concerned that I broached this urgent matter, upon serious reflection.
I fear some politico might read this and make it an issue to help in his reelection!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Couplet | |

The best job

Your own successful biz,
that's what your best job is!

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Button Your LIp


"Button your lip!" my mother used to say
I can hear her voice to this very day

Back then we were seen and not heard
You'd better not say even one more word

And if the message was still not clear
Shed reinforce with a swat to the rear

"Button you lip", my dear dad never said
He'd just stammer and his face would turn red

I'm told I was always a "mouthy" girl
Perhaps that's why I give poetry a whirl.....









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Plan B

The poet, wanting to be, liked,
wrote poems for her which were spiked,
with thoughts he hoped would make him seem,
like someone who she might esteem.
He spoke of love, how it was crap.
Of kisses wet and dewy laps.
Of body lines traced one by one.
Of god****ed bees unfairly done, 
her eyes, her smile, her lack of care,
her breath, her kiss beneath her hair
her sinful menu (no, no chips),
her mingling place (his ears for grips).
And, just to demonstrate his class,
he pointed out his sagging arse.
Of such is what romance is made!
He knew he could not but get laid!
She'd surely not his charms resist.
And if she did ... he'd get her pissed!!


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SO SORRY - I'VE GOTTA RUN

Why is diahrrhoea known as ‘the runs’ When it makes you sit on the loo all day Oh hang on a minute, I’ve got to go …oh heck I must rush The contents of my stomach need to pour out of my tush English spelling used* Jan Allison 13th November 2014


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A Social Faux Pas

Pardon me sir, but did you not just break wind?
Pardon me sir, but don't you feel a bit chagrined?

Pardon me sir, but I deem your faux pas mighty gross!
Pardon me sir, but you've left me feeling a bit morose!

Pardon me sir, but on this bus we don't enjoy your sop!
Pardon me sir, may I suggest you de-bus at the next stop!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved

Entry for Poetess Darkly's "Pardon Me, Did You Just..." Contest


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A Social Disaster

I walk into door frames, I trip up the stairs.
I rant on about stuff, when nobody cares.

I say all the wrong things, and freak people out.
It's just theres no filter, from my brain, to my mouth.

I'm socially awkward, and horribly shy.
I barely say hello, and never say goodbye.

I'm one of those people, who tends to just stare.
Then complain about you, forgetting you're there.

I'm sullen and mean, as barbed as wire fence.
I'm so insecure, it's a form of defense.

I'm bad at making friends, but when I do.
I make it for life, my friendship is true.

When I walk anywhere, i stare at the ground.
That's why I accidentally knock people down.

I laugh at bad jokes, and all the wrong times.
I take it too far, misinterpret the signs.

When i talk and I'm nervous, it makes me talk faster.
I might as well face it, I'm a social disaster!


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Deja Vu

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe!

   She had so many kids she didn't know who was who!

      So naïve was she that from whence they came she had no clue!

         Surprise! Quints were on the way - a classic case of deja vu!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Worst Morning After

Stop breathing so loud before I smother you dead.
Please go make coffee ... don't touch my head.
Jose Cuervo last night was my friend
but that relationship now must end.
No more tequila, no more Karaoke.
I can't seem to speak, my voice is all croaky.
Last night was a blast, on the table I danced.
I drank and I flirted and generally romanced
everyone in the bar , they were all friends of mine.
At least that was the consensus until closing time.
I danced my way home on wobbly legs.
Now my poor head it begs and it begs
"Don't do it again, behave and be good.
No more tequila". If only I could
go back once again to last night.
I think I would just have ordered a Sprite.



09/07/2013
for Susan's "Worst Morning After" contest


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Bad Dog

Hark! Hark! The pesky dog doth bark,

   And deposits indiscretions in the park!

      Perhaps doggie wouldn't be such a klutz,

         If masters would learn to mind their mutts!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Using a ton of poetic license, this write is based on an old nursery rhyme!


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C'est La Vie

Wish I was a poet, and got well paid
for poems writ whilst wearing suede
and drinking lots ‘n' lots of claret, 
in a well-appointed Paris garret

My publisher would love me true, 
and pay my rent, when overdue, 
so I wouldn't sleep on Montmartre streets
and get under decent people's feets

I'd get well drunk and laid a lot, 
(I heard poets do, more oft than not) 
and choose, with numbers from a jar, 
mam'selles to coucher with each soir.

Les dames Francaises would think me clever
‘cause root and boot are words I'd never
correlate. But sometimes Paris Bourse, 
I'd rhyme with sexual intercourse.
 
And what if, for every verse I penned, 
I got a hot brand-new best friend? 
I wonder how long could I last, 
in a life I led that blazing fast? 

My real life's, in truth, synonymous
with being next best to anonymous, 
but I suppose that  it might be much worse, 
had I to catch an early hearse.


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Two reasons why we dig holes

Burying dead bodies usually takes place  
In fancy holes dug on some land space.

Most people dig those holes somewhere nice
But sometimes they don’t have a choice.

Some people burn dead bodies to ashes
And this really saves on available land spaces.

Sometimes dead bodies are buried at sea
And slowly sink into muck for eternity.

Other fancy holes are dug large enough,
For the removal of some valuable stuff.

Sometimes these holes are dug somewhere nice
And most times people don’t have a choice.

When all the valuable stuff’s gone offshore
The hole is back-filled and land space restored.

Today we can dig holes in the seafloor
Right through the eternal muck and more.

Holes should be dug to bury the dead 
And to remove valuable stuff instead.


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Sex

On the one site sex is banal,
on the other side it's anal.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Prophet Sharing

I was truly inspired by my Pastor's insightful sermon today!

I didn't even try to sneak a snooze or let my mind go astray!

He spoke of Ezekiel, Isaiah, Daniel and all the prophets of old.

Could be said 'twas a "prophet-sharing" seminar he preached to his fold!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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SAVED BY THE BELL

I was enjoining my afternoon siesta Just wearing my knickers no vest’a When the noise of the fire bell arose Oh heck I was wearing few clothes My hubby said ‘Jan that’s the bell’ I said ‘On no!’ With a yell I jumped out of bed with a leap Found all my clothes in a heap I struggled to find my white vest (It covers my large hairy chest) Phew! The sound of the bell it did stop So back into bed I did hop 30th October 2014 Jan Allison


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If the Box Fits --- Wear It

She is not a small cat.
In fact she is quite, quite fat.
There is a black box on the floor.
She pokes it, sniffs it, eyes it and more.
I think she thinks she will fit
but I shoo her off in a snit.
The box holds pens and small stuff.
Not meant for this bag of fluff.
I just know that when I rise
a cat will be in there 'fore my eyes.
Big of butt and small of mind,
if she thinks she fits she must be blind.
She is a dear but not too bright
to try to squeeze in a space so tight.
No, she is not a small cat.
She is, oh she is, quite, quite fat.



08/01/2013
single syllable poem


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Doctor Upyers' Clinic

A visit to Doctor Upyers' Medical Clinic was approached with trembling and dread!

Most folks would rather be fishing or have an appointment with their dentist instead!

Oh no! He wasn't trained in the fields of audiology, cardiology or cosmetology.

You see, at his Bottoms Up Clinic he specialized in the practice of proctology!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Pretending You're Dead



Pretending you're dead can at times be the pits It frightens the family it scares them to bits They run around screaming and covering their eyes They surely weren't ready for my big surprise Pulling this off was a lead pipe cinch Haven't seen Charlie or Aunt Abigail since The dog's on the roof, the cat's up a tree If the truth be known scared the crap outta me Decided to confess and tell them the truth Now my clothes are all ripped I'm missing a tooth They didn't see the humour they said it twern't funny Hightailed it outta there quick like a bunny The moral of this tale listen carefully please If you ever decide to pretend you're deceased My advice to you wear armor or such There's a chance you'll soon be needing a crutch © Jack Ellison 2013


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Sweet or Salty Crocodile

Here’s the best thing you should know,
if ever to Australia you go.
Don’t ever wind up as a feast,
for this voracious reptilian beast.
For your reasoning surely would be faulty,
if you ever “muck about” with a “SALTY”.
And don’t think he was born with a tooth that’s “SWEET”.
To him you are just another piece of meat.
So if you must visit his polluted “Billabong” retreat,
 make sure the only thing he swallows is what you excrete!


For the Sweet or Salty contest


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This item

Firm and hard in your hand;
swift movement like a fairy and her wand.
Gentle but bold as the tip rubs the surface,
each stroke is a new reason to be amazed.

An honor, a pleasure if you have it.
Many would crave for because it lit
up the sparks in your eyes and heart
to be able to use it for simple, pure art.

It's the birth place of ecstatic ideas.
Although the first step - many might fear
because it hurts, sometimes it bled
but after the opening it's pleasure's fed.

There are many ways to use
this fantastical item - a mind's muse:
either lay it down flat and nothing comes out
or move it upright and see the seedlings sprout.

Black on paper, white on the page.
It's the key to your imagination's cage;
it's everyone's true start to then land they planned;
it's this pencil, this pencil in my hand.


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MOAN MOAN MOAN

We went on a day trip to Gozo Just one look at her and I thought ‘oh no’ Her hubby was so meek and mild She talked to him just like a child She whined when she got on the bus This was wrong, that was wrong – what a fuss All she could do was moan I wish she’d stayed at home She continued to moan with no stopping She didn’t want tourist attractions – only shopping Her husband he did what he was told He was young but looked haggard and old We got off the bus so see an attraction But she said ‘No Way! I want shopping action’ She finally got some time for her wish She bought a glass vase and a dish She also purchased an umbrella Then started going on about the weather She spotted a shop sign that said SALE When she found it was closed she went pale I gave her hubby a ‘knowing smile’ Guess he’d lived with it a long while Jan Allison 3rd November 2014


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Beyond Compare

Biggest Bra I Ever Saw

It was the biggest one I ever saw

So am writing a memoir about a bra;

To all laws known has an immunity

Based on all of science's ingenuity.


There is something that I did not deny

Which is the fantastic ability to falsify;

Together clanging could cause a calamity

Unknown to nature and all of humanity.


Can you imagine for whom the breasts toll

So we decided to take at least another poll

Biggest ones are always had by an ignoramus

And for the size both became world famous.


Can you believe that or how about this.

Beauty and the Big Breasts. What would 

Disney think about them apples. Also,

would you have to be best dressed to

have the biggest breasts. See what the

Pearson Product Correlation Coefficient

is on that. Probably 0.9999 to allow for

error. Lastly, Her breasts were so debonair 

that they both were beyond compare and

quite a scare. Jim Horn


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Zombie Ex-Lovers

Two young zombies met for a midnight tryst.

Miss Zombie claimed that she'd never been kissed!

As the mellow moon caressed her chalky face,

Mister Zombie was quite taken by her grace!

He whispered sweet nothings in her ear.

She said, "My love, that's what I like to hear!"

All was going swell 'til he whispered, "And moreover,

My honey dear, you look like death warmed over!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Prince Alberts Dilemma

Here's a bit of trivia that you just cannot live without,

   But I've looked into this matter and my research leaves little doubt,

      That Prince Albert suffers a very serious case of constipation,

         Since he's been on the same can for years much to his consternation!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved

Ok! OK!  For the younger crowd - Prince Albert's photo was featured on the Prince Albert Tobacco can for many, many years!


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Flatulence Tax

I can't believe what I heard on the automobile radio the other day!
'Tis further proof that nuts are on the loose and the world is in disarray!

European environmentalists, among others, who, mighty weird things espouse,
Are proposing, and I kid you not, a flatulence tax on every farmer's cows!

They claim flatulence by those innocent creatures pollute the air we breathe!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but this I know, it makes me seethe!

Imagine if you will the reams of records that over-burdened farmers must keep,
On each Black Angus, Jersey and Guernsey cow as well as goats and sheep!

Humankind is also prone to this curse, a subject upon which I dare not dwell,
But I really fear that politicians may impose a flatulence tax on us as well!

Lord have mercy!  Let's hope and pray that the IRS doesn't get "wind" of this!
You could be jailed for not paying such a tax if they would find that you're remiss!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved




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A putin

Every tiny putin
strives for being put in.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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How About A Sponsor

There is something with you I must discuss;
What we need is someone to sponsor us
Like local newspaper or business of some kind;
Rich person who likes poetry and wouldn't mind.

Some say that poetics are often prophetic
And presume others are really pathetic
Unless his name may have been Watson
Who was driving around in a Datsun.

If are having trouble with vision and sight
Have eye doctor as sponsor, we just might;
Maybe a delicate dentist or a car dealer
With tires making sounds like a squealer.

How about a church with religious fervor?
Or a tennis player who is a good server;
Someone who can make group become alive
Like a golfer who does have a great drive. 

These are a few thoughts I had in my head
And good bye now because I'm going to bed
But all of my dreams which are undaunted
For years now by them have been haunted.


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The Wet Patch Collab


Why sit with a frown is there a need?
Yes she whispered in my ear, I think I peed.

My knickers are wet, I dare not move at all 
If I stand up, down they will surely fall

Your knickers are wet, ha I did scoff
But I made sure I did, no laugh or a cough

For under my seat I would then have to peer
As there may be a puddle just under here

Went shopping before we met for lunch
Hoped lollies would stay frozen, so I could crunch

Put it in my handbag, sat upon my lap 
Decided to eat quickly, so no mishap.

But lunch took quite a while  
We had a laugh and a smile.

The lollies got hot, and then they did melt
I felt a cold patch sneak under my belt. 

I swept off the table cloth wrapped it round like a toga
To everyone watching I said ‘it’s a new move in yoga’
	
To the bathroom I ran and locked the door
I dropped my wet undergarments, onto the floor

Knickers now down, I could see the stain
Was orange not pee and that I still maintain

I sniffed at my undies and then I did think
They smell of oranges, as I rinsed in the sink

 I hadn’t peed at all, twas not a mishap
My ice lollies had melted, wetting my lap

Next time you see an old dear with a wet patch on her frock
Remember it might be a lolly, so you better not mock

One day you know that old dear will be you
So to yourself and to others you must always be true

A wet patch you may see, but no lollies are there 
So offer her some wipes, but don’t sit on her chair
© 2013

Collaboration between Seren Roberts and Mandy Tams


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Welcome all to the World of If

Welcome all, to The World of If!
Where dreams are Butts and but’s What-Ifs.

Where everything’s If-possible,
All your wishes are If-able!

If you believe, If can be done.
Here Black&White If-xist as one.

Men&Women have If-nocent fun,
Playing naked under the sun.

Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, others?
All take-If their under-covers.

They run and play, without their guns.
Look, how cute, with their exposed buns!
(My goodness me, look at the nuns!)

And children, playing in the sand,
Watch as their parents, hand in hand,

Walk over to the other side
To greet If-someone’s, side-by-side.

We’re not too bothered, about rifts,
We Kiss-Butt&Make-If with gifts.

Peace&Order rules with An-If
From The Prime Minister of Just-If.

We don’t deny our big What-Ifs
We’re all about Butts not But-If’s.

If-people live naked and free
In one big, badass If-country,

What a wonder for all to see,
What a great If-ing community!

Yes, welcome to The World of If,
If-possible, just think, What-If…


Couplets, written 15 March 2014, inspired by Richard Lamoureux’s line ‘…in the world of if’ in his rispetto poem On the edge.


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Crow Manners

I’d like to discuss the manners of crow,
That dine on the roads where cars come and go.

They peck at road kill without forks or knives,
But ‘caw, caw’ to their friends, saving their lives.

They don’t use napkins, to wipe off their beaks,
Yet they always appear dapper, and sleek.

Do they get embarrassed eating that yuck?
If so, or no, I can improve their luck.

Next time I pass by I won’t hesitate
To place their fresh meat on a dinner plate.

Or wouldn’t they think I’m the grand pooh-bah
By offering them a side of coleslaw?

Lastly, I’ll grill up their newly struck treat,
And locate the whole shebang off the street.

It’s not like I’m going out of my way,
Since I drive by their feast ten times a day.

Also, I think that they’re awfully kind
Staying with us for the long winter grind.

Or is it a guise, since their next supper
Could be us frozen in the road’s gutter?

So that’s why they wear such a nice black coat;
They’re dressed to stuff us dead stiffs down their throat.

I must admit, I thought initially,
That they might have needed our sympathy.

But crow manners, hmm, can there be a thing?
Well, like I first said, it had a nice ring.

Though I may be wrong, it’s happened before,
Like when I thought storks ran the baby floor!


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Colorado High

Colorado is renown fer the majestic Rockies a-reachin' fer the sky.
Now, 'tis better known fer sittin' 'round, smokin' pot and gittin' high!

Visitors used to come to see Pikes Peak and The Garden Of The Gods.
Nowadays, they seek out cannabis shops wherein to spend their wads!

Some fellers gave up plantin' corn and melons to grow marijuana,
To reap the profits sellin' maryjane to folks a-seekin' their nirvana!

Now, in lieu of the scent of pine, the odious odor of pot pervades the air.
Glassy-eyed dudes stroll about pollutin' the air without a worldly care!

I'm chagrined to travel out-of-state sportin' a Colorado license plate.
Makes me real 'proud' to be called a denizen of The Centennial State!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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QUAIL ARMY SONG

QUAIL   ARMY   SONG

I don’t know but I’ve been told
No quail born ever gets old
It’s plain that we gotta fight
For each and ev’ry God-given right
To be quails and not  hors d’oeuvres
It’s simply what we  all deserve
We want quail houses with double glazing
Is that so very amazing?
And quail babies and quail mortgages;
And not to end up as quail sausages;
To pick up our old-age quail pension,
And not even have to mention
Ignominiously turning up
In a French mustard dip,
Like uncle Bert who met an early death 
As pate on a singing soldier’s breath :
“47  Chevy and a tankful of gas,*
Quail liver pate kinds tastes like grass”.  
………………………………………………………
*Plagiarised from   HEARTBREAK RIDGE  movie

(From my collection of Bird Poetry and Other Pretensious Crap" 


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All Day Long

Hardest thing you may have to endure
Is find your life being a complete failure;
When you will want to finish a task
All you did was sit in sun and bask.

God from above sees you down below
As all of His impatience starts to grow,
While you were doing nothing at all
Not ever worrying about your downfall.

Anywhere important have never been;
Working hard you think is a capital sin
And prayed to God before going to bed;
He said you should write poetry instead.

Why in the world didn't I think of that;
Every time I sing my voice seems flat;
When they wanted me to join the choir
My contract with them already did expire.

So stayed home and wrote poetry all day long
And now won't have to sing a single song
On top, my lovely poems are now listed
And I just decided to join Poetry Revisited.


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They're Eatin' Me Outta House And Home

I'm lookin' forward to the arrival of spring with great anticipation,

With the bloomin' of purty flowers and much needed precipitation!

All winter long I've supported the local squirrel and avian population!

Word seems to have gotten 'round that there's free grub at my location!

They're eatin' me outta house and home causin' me some serious privation!

Hopefully, with arrival of spring them fellers will consider migration,

Seekin' other climes for their foragin' causin' me much less aggravation!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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A punchbag

Against a wife, a punchbag's just a dream!
While being punched it almost does not scream.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Petrified

My Funk 'n Wagnalls says 'petrified' means scared out of one's hide!

Oft' I've pondered what caused the Petrified Forest to become so 'petrified'!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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CRY BABY CRY

CRY   BABY   CRY


What makes me cry is not  a sweet word  
Humor, sadness, loss or  anything  so absurd,
But  the whole  raft of rules I gotta obey.
There must be “ No Names”   but without my name, hey. . .   
How will favorites like me be rewarded?
I must “please date”.  Must be a new poem, and regarded
As such, so as usual I will pick out one of my oldies, re-title it, 
Change one word, add today’s date,  and that’s the whole bit.
I must use “spell check”  instead of just
Turning in any old guff  -  which I usually must.
I have to use any form which is acceptable, the norm,
Except, “ I don't know” which is my favorite form, 
So instead I will simply call it ‘verse’, 
Cos that’s pretty much the same thing, but worse.
These rules and regulations are cramping my natural style
Sooner than enter such a contest I would walk a mile.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 
Note
A light-hearted, humorous piece, not to be  misinterpreted , except by the paranoid. 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . .
Written  27  July  2012
Entered in Lisa Cooper ~Dark Poetess’s   Contest  One Silver Tear


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Untitled

Like Ogden I dwell on llamas or lamas. 
Like Yeats I'm too too morose. 
My rhymes are more like Thomas 
And too little of the red red rose. 
\Like Shakespeare methinks too much; 
Like Dickinson I'm so so morbid 
And, of course, like Dylan a total lush 
And always much too torpid. 
\So like Coleridge's albatross 
And Thayer's Casey-at-the-bat 
I'll have to hope my thoughts will cross 
The grey matter just below your hat.


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Right girls

Girls aren't sure if they are always bright.
And they are often absolutely right.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Geese

All Porto geese 
speak Portuguese.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Gigolo



How to describe love, well I'll give it a shot
Like your first two wheeler, that's saying a lot

Like your very first ride on a ferris wheel
What an absolute thrill can't believe it's real

Suddenly that annoying girl next door
Creates a stirring right down to your core

When wrestling with her she was one of the guys
Now its different when you look in her eyes

Her lips seem more lush and inviting now
Think I just blew a gasket, holy cow

Oh those were the days as if it was yesterday
The feeling still there but it's now just wordplay

Maybe I'll come back when my days are done
As a gigolo, yee haw, that sure sounds like fun!

© Jack Ellison 2013



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Bargain Day At The Goodwill Store

My good friend Cletus looked mighty spiffy in his new attire.

New suit, shoes, shirt and tie - he was ready to set the world afire

He asked me what I thought about his new duds but I hadn't the heart to say,

That I had donated his entire ensemble to Goodwill just the other day!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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FIGURE IT OUT

I have an hourglass figure, it is simply divine
When hold me in your hands you’ll see the sands of time

You need to flip me over I can time it to perfection
If I do it perfectly I will always have your affection

You simply will adore me and keep me all your life
Hey guys I am an egg timer and not your ideal wife!

Jan Allison
5th September 2014


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Small Money

"No small money" she barked at me; seeing my bill was ripped.
But it was bent and soon unraveled; Sally had had it gripped.
Shocked and relieved that it was good; my meal could be paid.
I smiled at her and sighed relief then took my food in trade.
She handed back the little change I'd get from my five dollars.
while knowing she would get it back from one of several callers.
Then sitting fast to eat my meal I thanked and praised my God.
Not forgetting Sally's humour with each bite that I knawed.


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Culture Clash

In Oxford and Cambridge, they can get jolly batey
‘cos they don’t speak proper wot like I do matey


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I Don't Even Know

There once was a man whose name was Bill
He glued his feet to the windowsill.
He had to lean against the glass when he went to bed
And had to take his jeans off over his head.

He had a friend whose name was Mark
Mark couldn't sneeze less he was in the dark.
He worked in a kitchen using a pepper grind
But the sneezes would build up and explode at night.

He had a friend whose name was Bob
WIth an artificial sunflower stuck in his gob.
He use to have fun with the kids outside his house
Hiding in a plant pot, opening his mouth.

Mark was on his way home from work at night
While Bob tried to keep himself safe out of sight.
But as Mark passed he jumped out and made him scream
And he sneezed so hard, he shot out his breakfast's beans.

The beans came out and hit where Bill was asleep
They flew with such power he was ripped apart from his feet.
Now Bill is able to finally leave his home
But he crawls everywhere with no feet of his own.


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Feet painting

Gazing at the pristine snow
Thinking what a painting I could do

Can paint a portrait with a smile
Or an athlete running a mile

Maybe a single petal as it flutters
Or a country window complete with shutters

But wait another artist is here
Hopping gently without fear

He makes a circle of fine feet
Looking inwards aren’t they sweet

He flies away his picture complete
Tiny footprints made by tiny feet

It was the robin making the snow his own
Looking for crumbs of cake I had thrown

For all the hungry birds too eat
It didn’t  matter what size the  feet.

What picture on the snow did he adorn?
Was a great picture of a crown or thorns


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Noodles

They're funny, the noodles,
if they are not oodles.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Foul air

It is hard to foul air
in a sleeping bear's lair.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Poet's Strife

My head's awash with rhyming verse.
I should be glad, but it's a curse.

Because at night I cannot sleep.
I've tried hot milk and counting sheep.

But, all of that fails - every time.
I just go on thinking rhyme.

From ballad to sonnet or silly ditty.
Escape would be sweet, but I'm shown no pitty.

This has been my strife now for several years.
A thousand times, I've been close to tears.

But, I think l've now resolved my plight.
By sleeping all day and writing at night.

And so I've formed nocturnal habits.
Like badgers, owls, mice and rabbits.

It truly works for me my friend
So, if you suffer the same, I recommend...

Not a cup of cocoa or herbal tea
Sleeping pills did nothing for me

But resort instead to life at night
This should surely put things right.

[DV - 1989]




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Problems on a Tree

If problems were like twigs on a tree
A gust of wind blowing them in the breeze

They would fall to the ground one by one
Family and friends would help and gather around

But that is not how it happens as life surrounds
Sometimes the twigs just keep falling down

Family and friends start to leave
And you are left with one big heap

Heavy on your shoulders they do weigh
More falling day by day

Realizing it is just too much to bear
Frankly, feeling this is quite unfair

So, deciding you cannot solve them all
Put those in a pile and call U-Haul.

©Holly P. Moore
    February 2013

(U-Haul provides trailers and different size trucks for hauling various items)


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Your nose

Your nose knows that when people sweat 
they get, alas, not only wet.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Intro to A Little Zetz - recited

                Men have their habits and women their traits
		Which help determine the course of their fates.
		Even the gods do adhere to these rules
		And, just like mortals, act often like fools.
		Setting the stage, we will see we’ve been led
		To Morty and Ceil, over 40 years wed;
		While up on Olympus, both Hera and Zeus
		Are seeing what mischief a zetz can produce.
		
		If zetz is a word which you’ve not heard before,
		It’s Yiddish and so it has meanings galore.
		Consider a zetz like a jab or a poke
		In a physical way or in words someone spoke.
		Let’s eavesdrop on Morty and lovely wife Ceil
		And see how a little zetz alters their meal…

(this is the narrator's introduction to a play i wrote - entirely in rhyme - which was part of the strawberry one-act festival in new york city, performed on march 2, 2013. the link below will take you to the entire 16 minute play on youtube)

http://youtu.be/HFkw_ubUeR4


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What I Would like to forget

What I Would Like to Forget

The stench of me was putrid and gagging
For the black white varmint had made its marking
As I realized the volatile sensations erupting with in
Stupid I was having spooked the skunk at my garbage can
Odor no other equates to such pungency and frustration
For throughout my taste buds its musk engulfed my aggravation  
Having permeated seven layers saturated deep- I did scrub
My bath I did linger five days in the tub
Damn the experience which I would like to forget
I’ve learned at night to stay put in front of my TV set


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Continuing On

Continuing On

What if a love poem leaned towards writing
And wanted it to be eccentric yet still exciting
Filled with love, romance and much emotion
My mind was blown away by a big explosion.

So should moving poem be so surreptitious
Full of enhancements and also expeditious
Trying to arouse your interest in poetry
And thankful mine has no mediocrity.

Are outstanding and exceptionally splendid
Which is exactly what ruthlessly was intended
Now there is another beautiful new dawn 
Will write more poems while continuing on.

PS. If you care to notice, there are no "I's",
and a few ands, and no buts, or's or nor's,
or eithers either and no not any neithers,
When your exceptional ability explores. 
Oh, and what anyway are hyperboles?


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Easy For You To Say, Admiral

Admiral Farragut sailed into Mobile Bay with his reluctant crew!

The bay was strewn with tons of torpedoes and apprehension grew!

"Sail on! Sail on!, ye mighty Hartford ship!" was Farragut's battle cry!

"We'll blast them Rebel ships to 'ell!  Men, 'tis yer duty to do er die!"

'Twas then he uttered those immortal words that'll live forever and a day:

"Damn the torpedoes!  Full steam ahead!" - and with that it was 'anchors aweigh'!

Tars fearing for their souls exclaimed, "That's easy fer that ol' poop to say!"

But with clenched teeth they dashed ahead and won the Battle of Mobile Bay!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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If I Was Runnin' Things

I've given the plight of kids crossing our border thoughtful consideration.
I would like to propose a panacea that might ease this critical situation.
I recommend that pilots flying kids to the USA make a flight deviation,
And drop kids off at airports in DC while the Obamas' are on vacation!
I know they'd be delighted to share the White House food and recreation.
After all, the grounds are fenced so kids could be kept under observation.
Unload kids at the Capitol for distribution to each Congressional delegation.
I bet they'd take speedy action to secure the border as well as deportation!
I sent my idea to Washington but as yet have received no firm confirmation.
I can only assume they'll set Congressional hearings for serious evaluation.

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Written with considerable tongue in jowls!


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A simple X-ray

Too often, a simple X-ray 
makes militant atheists pray.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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The Washington Zoo

The current antics of the Washington DC rabble is viewed with much bemusement!
Their inaction ain't funny, but their inane babble is cause for great amusement!

Seems rogues of all parties from the top down are in w-a-y over their head.
I propose that we elect mean ol' retired sergeants to run things there instead!

Sergeants tend to see things in black and white and possess tons of common sense!
They lead from the front, ain't afraid to make decisions and brook no nonsense!

Sergeants believe in integrity, care for their people and support the Constitution!
They are taught, as Prophet Isaiah said, "to reason together" to reach a resolution!

I suppose I'll have to recruit a horde of NCOs to fix things in Washington town!
(That is unless the Administration declares it's off-limits due to the shutdown!)

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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The poor

He's poorer, who rapes 
poor apes.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Bizarre



Well what d'ya know Still ain't no snow January twenty- eighth My mind's in a state This is really bizarre The mildest by far Find it quite funny Weather's so sunny Wearing bikinis Drinking martinis Old man's thoughts Are hot to trot Charming the fillies Acting quite silly Strutting his stuff Falling on his duff World's topsy turvy Getting all squirrelly Is this the new norm No more storms Blizzards up north On July the Fourth Okay that's a wrap It's time for my nap! © Jack Ellison 2013 TODAY??? Back to our frigid Canadian winters!!!


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An air raid

Even an invader's air raid
can be, as we're told, for aid.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Laugh Kookaburra


Snake hunting bird in silent trance 
Iconic outline on the branch 
As daybreak dies, with laughter, quiet 
You quell your deadly appetite 

Your searching eye from tilted head 
Has spied a rocky sun-warmed bed 
A silent slither from the grass 
A wary reptile dares to pass 

And you bark brown, have flown away 
For gumtops high to eat your prey 
You laugh - as if you laugh at fate 
It's true - considering what you ate.

Suzanne Delaney 


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Some ale

Often some ale
makes a man male.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Words and Barks

WORDS AND BARKS

People were given a gift called speech
Most of the time they have nothing to teach

Dogs on the other hand can roll their eyes
They say more with wags and cries

Often people's unending words don't  matter
It might be better if people would bark and dogs chatter


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You Can't Take It With You

The other day I saw the most pathetic thing I think I shall ever see!
It was so macabre and shocking that it piqued my curiosity!

Seems this old miser died having atoned for his many transgressions,
But was adamant about taking with him all his earthly possessions!

He had derided that well-known saw, "you can't take it with you",
And asserted, "Them's my things that took a lifetime to accrue!"

Even on his deathbed as he breathed his last and ceased to function,
He fretted about his stuff as the priest administered extreme unction!

In the funeral procession behind the hearse was a huge U-Haul truck,
Containing his suits and shoes, booze and gold plus all his other ruck!

Oft' I've pondered about that old tightwad and his ultimate fate,
And how St Peter handled the matter when he greeted him at the Gate!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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'Enry The VIII's VI Wives

Seems King 'Enry The Eighth in 'is choice of wives wasn't all that judicious.
To 'Is Grace's regret they were either too ambitious, promiscuous or capricious!

'E solved such prickly matters for five of them by divorce or grisly be'eadation!
'E 'ad to protect 'is own somewhat dubious reputation as 'ead of the nation!

Anne Boleyn and Kate 'Oward lost their 'eads to the dreaded axe,
For being a tad froward with 'Enry and with morals somewhat lax!

Marriages to Anne of Cleves and Kate of Aragon were conveniently dissolved.
Jane Seymour did 'er duty giving 'im a male heir, then died - crisis solved!

Kate Parr was widowed when King 'Enry crossed that mysterious River Styx,
But 'is five other wives as 'istory records, were left in one 'ell of a fix!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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Leprechaun in My Bottle

One dark dreary night while happily drinkin’ up a big big storm,
I beheld a tiny green man in my bottle, oh!—not the norm.

He’s my tiny green man in my Irish whiskey bottle.
He’s my Leprechaun with whom I’d like to drink a pottle.

He’s the man with a certain quaint eye twinkle and attitude, 
And he has all the fine alcoholic credentials and certitude,

Of one who’s done much, seen much, drunk much much,
And has great insight, insatiable charm, and a very deft touch.

My friend the Leprechaun tells me of his present living situation:
“Me drinks, Me thinks, Me sleeps, Me drinks, ah!—My salvation!”

I tell him my ancestry is “Half-Irish” which makes me Celtic, 
And he says, “Me good friend Gary, no shame, Me too Celtic!”

My Leprechaun asked me of my present situation with poetry,
And I says—“Me drinks, Me thinks, Me writes, Me loves poetry.”

Over time I found I was mimicking more and more my little elf friend,
And he says, “Me brother Gary, no worry, we both be Irish my friend.”

I told my Leprechaun that he does indeed have quite an alcoholic ego,
And my little elf quipped, “When we both drink Gary, I’m your alter ego!”

And so, my Leprechaun in my bottle is my good friend—my adviser,
And, I find that as we both drink together my poetry flows all the wiser.


Gary Bateman, Copyright © All Rights Reserved (September 9, 2014) 
(Rhyme Couplet)


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like, as

i never saw the doornail die
never caught sight of a fox that sly

i didn't cure a dog so sick
didn't steal a glance of thieves so thick

i can't walk tight a rail that thin
can't see some sight as ugly as sin 

i didn't ever take any punch so pleased
or been flashed by lightening that slippery greased

i can't light bituminous coal so black
or pointedly aim as sharp as a tack 

didn't touch a witch's tit so cold
- i'd feel it's not as good as gold

i can't squish in any mud so clear
or finger a lobe cute as a bug's ear 

folks shout i'm as deaf as a post
in fact i'm even worser, than most

i can't hear a fiddle so fit
in fact i don't give a - damn

a simile is as cool as winter's rain
so i utter them like, again, and again

true, i'm as buzzed as a bee so busy
but i don't think a bee's like a simile, is he?

© Goode Guy 2013-03-06


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Robin Hood

If you are robin, you are good.
If even you are Hood.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Political Scatology

Thankfully, the mid-term elections have come and went.
Thankfully, we'll suffer no more TV ads related to that event.

Thankfully, we'll not receive any more phone calls from politicians.
Thankfully, we'll receive no more mailers outlining their positions.

Thankfully, the prognosticators will find something more productive to do.
Thankfully, we'll hear no more political twaddle for another year or two.

Wouldn't it be novel if the promises made by those shysters came true,
Or will it be politics as usual and 'twas only undiluted scatology they spew!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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It's a snap

It's also a snap
to break someone's nap.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Each Week

No one likes being out of the loop
So latest scoop is to start a poetry group
Writing about subjects in the news
And why there is no perfect excuse.

What I write about I find in my mind
And if any of it was left behind,
It probably to you was of no concern;
Would end up having much heartburn.

I believe in writing about current affairs;
Look around and will see layers and layers
And to me what really seems to appall
Are the ignoramuses who don't care at all.

If Brunswick County wants to become literary
Should start off with opening a poetry library
For those who are exquisite and inquisitive
Who with their lives in libraries love to live.

Meeting and things started out as a big mess
Then ended up being a complete, total success;
Everyone loved it from time they were seated
And now each week they want it to be repeated.


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Fruitcake Oh No

(Rhyming Couplets) Fruitcake, oh no! I don't like. I'd rather give it to Mike. Fruitcake tastes to me more than bad. If you send me one I'd get very mad. Fruitcakes are not really fun you see. So please don't send one to me. Fruitcakes tastes like a nasty piece of rubber Just thinking of them makes me shout and shudder. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2012 September,24,2014


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Boy Scouts and Brussel Sprouts

If all of you are good Boy Scouts
Better be sure to eat your brussel sprouts
And have hog jowls along with some grits
Even though some say Shallotte is the pits.

In church basement, Boy Scouts are meeting;
When they began, God are always greeting
So from all of their sins they can repent;
Why in church should a room have to rent?

Free, free, free will be the word for me
And with no one do we ever disagree;
God's love is in our life every day
But by Baptists we were blown away.

Scouts take an oath and are saying
To God we are those who are praying
While Baptists their building like to hoard;
Keep to themselves and won't share their Lord.

You must look in pine tree to find a cone
And join Baptist Church to be left alone;
While we were reading the Brunswick Beacon
People left church because pool was leaking.


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My Next Door Neighbor Flower Enthusiast

Sometimes my heart may seem to soften







And I am glad Jill is not away too often







Also sure like Gene my new neighbor







A peaceful sort never rattling a sabre.















Not sophisticated or prefers to go strutting







And never heard of him ever head-butting







A perfect pleasure having him next door







Brought me ice cream from a local store.















One more notch on belt started to buckle







When he said I sure like your honeysuckle







And before my door I had started shutting







He asked me if he could have a cutting.















James Thomas Horn







Retired Veteran







PS. Humor category of course.


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Stuck Together

Stuck Together

I often told tales as well as tattle
So thought that I should skedaddle
Lying is like sandwich with peanut butter
Which became a disaster which is utter

Peanut butter was pretty  sticky
And you know me being so picky
Seems so many storms had to weather
When both of her lips were stuck together.

James Serious Mysterious Horn


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Which Was Outstanding

Which Was Outstanding

She wore a bikini so her body he could observe
Which was cute with a very vivacious curve
Wore right-sized bra so boobs would suspend
Matching her elegant body along with rear end.

With both of his eyes, he did toil and tarry
Then said one day we both should marry
(Never heard of anyone married to themselves before.)
After being taunted by her smile and terrific teeth
Wondering what lies ahead and underneath.

In bed, big breasts kept getting in the way
So what was he really supposed to say?
After his performance which was oh so fine
He wanted little old me to be his valentine.

Together, have been married for many long years
Along with great goals and hopes and fears
And even though now old she kept on demanding
My fine performance which is still outstanding.

PS. With you, this I wanted to discuss,
This was only intended to be humorous;
So my friend, why all of the fuss?

James Thomas Horn 
Retired Veteran
DOB: 26 June 1941
jthorn5656@gmail.com
Poem written today on 19 Sep 2014


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Greetings to My Dentist

Greetings to My Dentist

Just thought that I would drop by for a while
So I could show off my shiny, great smile
And also my friend here is the final clincher,
I have been brushing my nice, new denture.


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A Sisyphus

A Sisyphus, that's who heals
affected Achilles' heels.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Did Dance Them All

Did Dance Them All

Long ago when I was just a teen
On dance floor did create a scene
With walk, shimmy and the twist
And rest which was a long list.

After giving her a kiss and hug
We both would do the jitterbug
And also bird when it took wing
You would find in a dancing fling.

If I were to dance like that today
All my arthritis would get in way
While rheumatism would try to ruin
Everything that I had been doing.
jthorn5656@atmc.net


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How General Grant Won The Civil War

He could fight and win battles, could this General Ulysses Grant!

   Other of Lincoln's generals were continually sayin', "I can't!"

Though 'twas well-known that General Grant relished his schnapps,

   Even soused he could concoct solid battle plans by studyin' his maps.

Becomin' frustrated with his other generals and their lack of action,

   Abe suggested to an aide that if it would help them get some traction,

He'd like to know what Ulysses drank and where he got the stuff,

   So he could send a barrel to every general to get him off his duff!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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His ass

He whose ass is for sales 
knows well why his ass ails.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Order or Sequence of Events

Order or Sequence of Events

When with my poems I soon reach an end
To everyone all of them will start to send
First to those whose minds have been bright
Who will enjoy them all and in delight.

Second will be those of a religious sort
Who in their faith seem to need support
Encourage them and Bible began to study
Which should be done by every buddy.

Now, third I'm thinking might really be 
For those who comfort and support only me
Especially, primarily those in a great group
We love so much called Poetry Soup with scrup.

Fourth, I'm sure will be family and friends
Who on the computer much time spends
Putting up with poems I emailed to them
Who might need research of a cell called stem.

Lastly, are all of those who once were
Of poetic ability but at times not sure;
To them this kindly advice have to offer
If poems are moving see effect known as Doppler.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

PS. Scrup is short for scruples
Seen by eyes which have pupils.


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Crucify for love if want to be satisfied

I am married to an ordinary woman with an extraordinary talent
She has an in-built reverse-forward button, others tend to be mute

When in good humor forward is on, in bad humor reverse is on
A Lady Hamlet with no dilemma, to be or not to be- question is off.


There’s always forward for outings, if it’s missed a reverse ever
Make an adverse remark and will unlearn the meaning of favor
But fortunately always get forward button in things conjugal
Disappointed in things many, happy to get things connubial.

Once we’re at a party and her sister looked at her wedding ring
Her sister pointed out that she wore the ring not on the right finger

She replied that she’s right, because she married a wrong man
She looked at me but I have learnt to be silent from the talkative.


In case she finds out that I have been cross with some people
She is tempted to make my enemies her nearer friends

As impractical husband learnt useful lesson from practical wife
Keep the friends close but keep your enemies not far than friends

                                   +++
Date 21-11-13
Dr. Ram Mehta
Sixth Place win in
Contest juxtaposed by Sheri


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Look A Lot Like Me

Look A Lot Like Me

Sure seemed to look a lot like me
And he even had a history degree
Was Priest in an Episcopal parish
Who everyone loved and did cherish.

Had a great voice and it sounded
Like someone who was well-rounded
And sermon made us all come alive
Proved a point and it home did drive.

With much vigor he made us vibrate
Hear next Sunday we could hardly wait
God looked down at us here below
While poet had put on a great show.

Before all hell had broken loose
Said what's the use and declared a truce
If all of you are willing to stay awake
My sermon away your breath will take.


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Useless Trivia You Need to Know

Here's a bit of trivia from World War Two I'll bet you didn't know,

Concerning the war-time Prime Minister of Japan, Hideki Tojo of Tokyo.

After the war hapless Hideki was jailed in Tokyo's Sugamo Prison,

Where he was given a new set of dentures 'cause he was losing his'n.

A waggish American dentist, determined to make a lasting 'impression',

Etched on Tojo's choppers in Morse Code this immortal expression:

'REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR" - 'Twas America's stirring battle cry!

He eternally gnashes his teeth in perdition after he was hanged to die!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved

True Story!!!




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Poems and Publicity

For writing poems here are some rules;
Don't treat readers like they are fools
And with them do be more direct;
Always give them great respect.

A reader's imagination is very vast;
Let's them pretend they're in the past;
Some prefer love mixed with devotion;
Others want humor creating commotion.

As for me, I like my very own
And read them often when alone;
When this world, I soon have to leave
Much publicity my poems will receive.


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A LIKELY TALE

A  LIKELY  TALE



Husband beetle gets  home late 
Not just at seven but well after eight
Wife asks, what’s your excuse
For being  on the loose?

Well,  I just got inside a window pane
And couldn’t get back out again
I  guess  I  musta  dozed
Cos when I woke up it was closed
Then  a  cat began to push me
And a little boy tried to squash me
Then a girl scooped me up with paper
And ended my indoor caper
She put me outside in the rain
So then I came home again
And that’s it,  my sweet,
All I can do is repeat.

She said, well if I had a penny 
For each time my antennae
Have picked up that story, honey, 
We’d build a new house  with  the money.




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Eden

If some fruit is forbidden in Eden,
Eden soon also will be forbidden.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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An Elegant Editor

An Elegant Editor

We start out with accomplishments and achievements;
When our lives are done we receive bereavements;
Then after we have finally passed away,
We hope to end up in heaven one day.

 

Our souls first started out on earth;
God placed them in bodies at our birth
Which are there so we can survive;
Know God's in us and will remain alive.

A child we became who learned to know
That eventually into an adult will grow;
Venture out and start on own career
Love living our lives while we are here.

Receive rewards and recognition will appreciate
While some others seem to like being late;
Maybe a great editor might end up being
Who with everyone wants to be agreeing.

Gave out great guidance and advice
And to everyone she has been nice;
Some she possibly would like to strangle.
She's an elegant editor and a perfect angel.

James Serious Mysterious Horn
Bolivia, NC

Land of the Endowed
So I joined the crowd.

 


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My Wheelchair

I sit in a wheelchair every single day
I've learned to accept it because it has to be that way
There are people here that walk and criticize people like me
If they would only stop for one second
Then maybe they would see
That we are no different and would like to keep our dignity
Instead of criticizing your fellow woman or man
Show a little compassion and try to understand
For God only knows that someday they may be
In that dreaded wheelchair, exactly like me


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Whew whats that stink

I was just sitting here, starting to think,
When Jan and Mystic started to stink,
What was that smell that arose,
I had to cover mine and my daughters nose,
What is cooking tonight in this soup pot,
Whatever it was it stunk something up hot.
Was some pepper added by mistake 
that is giving out this smelly intake?
Why all the farting, the passing of gas, the fluff
Is that Darren in the corner starting to huff.
Bring your gas masks to the soup kitchen tonight,
There is something here just not smelling too right!


*Continued from
posts by Jan &
Mystic,
"Passing Wind"
Now soupers start
passing your own
wind!!


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A grip of steel

Train your ability to steal 
and you will get a grip of steel.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Poodle and Apple Strudel

A Poodle and Apple Strudel

To popular belief, it all had been according
And wondered if we really could be affording
To buy what some called the John B. Sloop
Bottom of sails looked like a hula hoop

While walking around we also just found
That when being on John B. you are bound
To become stuck up and also possibly a pris
While you gaze at wild water and reminisce.

Liking to laugh a new habit now has become
And best part of pudding is a pleasant plum
Then through life as things all get tougher
From an illness, you will soon start to suffer

Cathy many have said is short for cathedral
And according to problems that are procedural
Process was becoming kind of quite inviting
I discovered best thing to do is be delighting

So finally forget all I said without fail
Go out on John B and around should sail
Be sure that you bring your pretty poodle
Who always enjoys eating some apple strudel.
 


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Obama's Drill Sergeant

How I'd relish standing Obama at a brace and show him how to salute!
He's shown zero respect to the Marines and I suppose he thinks he's cute.
 
No one salutes with a coffee cup in hand, not even the rawest, dumbest recruit!
Should a soldier, sailor, airman or marine do such, he'd suffer the toe of a boot!

He's been seen on camera saluting the flag with his left hand over his chest;
With hands over his crotch or no salute at all with neither hand on his breast.

If the president is interested in gaining the respect of those who keep us free,
I'd volunteer to teach him the rudiments of saluting as learned by this old retiree!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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Typical Day in Heaven of All Places

Have heard heaven is such a sight
And one day drop by I just might;
Maybe around will ride my bike
With my friend whose name is Mike.

They say that streams are so clear
Whether far away or standing near;
Mountains are covered with much snow;
Every star twinkles and always will glow.

God made heaven a nice place for me;
No better one could there ever be;
It is pleasant and perfect I'm sure
And heaven forever will always endure.

Wrote a poem and went and said it
And I am glad Mike helped me edit;
Mike and my poems are everywhere;
Together we make a terrific pair.


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Badmouthin' In The Badlands

Said Hank to his pard, "I reckon we took a wrong turn back yonder!
How we ended up in this here gawd awful place I'll ferever ponder."

"Ya shoulda listened to me when we come to that Y in the trail,
But, no, you insisted we go left an' here we are!" he went on to rail!

"We ain't got a lick uv water an' I don't see none in them hogbacks.
We ain't met a livin' soul 'cept some prairie dogs an' diamondbacks!"

"Ho! Is them Injuns I hear comin' over that ridge back thar a-hollerin'?
This is jes' another fine skillet uv feesh ya have managed to git us in!"

"Buck up ol' pard" said Tex to his pal. "I'm sure they is friendly types,
Wantin' to parley fer some coffee, sugar an' terbaccy fer thar pipes!"

"But I reckon we shouldn't take chances an' if'n yer willin' ol' pard,
Me an' my hoss is leapin' off'n this cliff tho' the landin' be mighty hard!"

They took the plunge diggin' deep furrows with their noses in the ground!
Accordin' to lore this is how Black Hills gold in the Badlands was found!

Entry fer Isaiah Zerbst's "Cowboys In The Badlands" Contest


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An anti-Semite

For a Semite a mite 
is an anti-Semite.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Mishap With A Chainsaw

Hapless Hank severed a leg just below the knee,
When usin' a chainsaw heedlessly, you see!

He sued claimin' that it was a defective saw,
And hired an attorney to check the law.

"I've reviewed the statutes and I can't take yer case.
I'd recommend you plead mea culpa to save face."

"If yer case was heard by a judge it would rile his fury,
And I ain't about to bring such a case before a jury!"

"My law firm has determined that yer case is mighty weak.
Sorry, Hank, you ain't got a leg to stand on, so to speak!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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Why ladies keep themselves always clean

Ladies keep themselves always clean, 
if some gentleman by chance will lean.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Our age

Even our serious age
does not make us all sage.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Mean to Paula Dean

Mean to Paula Dean

Why should we be mean to Paula Dean
To us in America is the cooking queen,
Who used a word which was a no no
I had heard from Sunny Bono and Ono.

Just because it happened to be her,
To your big brain did it ever occur
She had been referring to a Brazil nut
Found in South America often in a hut.

So instead we need to go to Nigeria;
While there did catch a case of diphtheria,
But still that certain word will not use
Or I'll be accused of English abuse.

Colloquial, word has been called by some;
This is what you say when you are dumb;
I have never been known as a perfect saint;
Worst word I ever used was one called ain't.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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From Tooth To Tooth

Sure seems to require a lot of lot

Before Dentist will start in hot pursuit

Of a slimy cavity spreading tooth to tooth

Enforcing my idea that it is uncouth.



And to you a dentist sure can sock it

When they say you can pay out of pocket

And another thing, did discover that IT

Really represents and stands for Integrity.



Now if your warning system starts out early

Miss hearing and might find gates that are pearly

And if in dentist chair and feeling rambunctious

Smile might become sumptuous and scrumptious.



Before any poor patient should hear any of this

Always make sure your appointment don't miss

And mouth with teeth full of cavities can be

No longer in site and now part of history.



Let me know if you like it. They say 

you have to try it first though. They 

must be talking about tooth brushes,

dental floss and a flaming desire to

take care of your teeth. Oh, and make

sure you are sitting down alone when

you are reading this. Jim Horn


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Why Mine of Course

Why Mine of Course or Much Better and Not Worse



What length of poem will people and poets prefer?

Like long, medium, short or not know for sure

Which through all agreeable ages will endure

And maybe a form of prose which may be pure.



How about Shakespeare who you love so dear?

Or some other poet seeming kind of queer

Who is with his horse and both are lost;

Must be my favorite old friend Robert Frost.



Do you know any poets who sing acapello?

Who is a poetic leader by name of Longfellow

Someone clever and funny who will well-suit

It's Ogden Nash not Republican named Newt.



When on a firing range we may fire at will

Who is Rogers not of Dodgers and fills my bill

If you want Horn sense of humor with no remorse

My poems are best at making you merry of course.



James Thesarious Hilarious Horn

Retired Veteran


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Brown and blue

He who's not in time for a loo
gets his things both brown and blue.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A grasp and a gasp

The stronger
the grasp,
the longer
the gasp.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Humble Bard

'Tis for certain another Shakespeare I shall never be,

   Nor will I ever come close to commanding Ogden Nash's fee!

      Thy humble servant will write never to become rich,

         But, hopefully, in some small way, others' lives to enrich!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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Carney's Blarney

I suppose the prez is proud of his mealy-mouthed spokesman Carney.

('Carnies' are carnival touts famous for spewing a heap of blarney!)

I think I'm quite well-versed and understand the English language well

But when I hear his party-line spin on things, I get perturbed as hell!

Carney keeps spouting "No worries!  Obamacare will not change a thing!"

That's lingo I comprehend, but, alas, that to which many gullible patsies cling!

Not surprising, it turns out to be piffle, fiddle-faddle and downright balderdash!

Alas, many folks are seeing sticker shock and their insurance coverage crash!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


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A troublemaker

A poet looking for a peer 
invariably troubles Shakespeare.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Mocha Frappuccino

Where, oh where, did I leave my mocha,
If I find you took it, I might just choke ya!


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Go Sea Hawks

The Sea Hawks each one vowed
You know what we love is a loud
Huge, incredible and great crowd
We made all the people very proud.

Go Sea Hawks.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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By An Elephant

There was a Christian who some say is crazy
And they all liked to call her lazy Daisy
Who always is as casual as can be
She had started becoming similar to me.

Favorite style of singing was rock and roll
And I soon found out her greatest goal
Was God in every way try to impress
As well as rest of us more or less.

God found it hard to believe what He had seen
She almost ended up with a ruptured spleen
Pain was in her back and everywhere
And she started creating quite a scare

A big wind blew by and caught her dress
And after that I have to confess
She who once had been so angelic
Was now antiquated and became a relic

Both her wings had started to flutter 
Which were stuck on with some peanut butter
She fell to earth and knew she should  repent
Because her wings had been eaten up by an elephant


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HELP, I NEED YOUR HELP

Becoming An Emcee

While here on earth, I happened to be
God wanted me to become an emcee
Who does tell everyone what to do
And then will introduce me and you.

Here is Jim Horn (That's me) who has a poem to read
Sounding like a lunatic trying to lead
A bunch of people who are lost causes
Who can't tell difference between profits and loses.

To be leader of lunatics, what is required?
A wacky audience who needs to be inspired
And we would like to have everyone sit
In front row if happen to be a nit wit.

Second row is for those who are a retard,
And of hearing, they happen to be hard;
According to all of the latest scoop,
Try sitting in third row if a nincompoop.

How I love hearing the sound of applause
Even from pretty things with padded bras,
Who are simple minded as well as short;
To B or not to Be still need your support.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
jthorn5656@atmc.net

PS. Did you know that cupid was
actually stupid and wore a bicuspid?


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Poetry Month

My Poetry Month again will arrive
And any foolish fool should survive
Who poetry often would like to write
Many people may call poetry delight.

My poetry in a certain place is found
At www.poetrysoup.com all around
Name is something which just occurred
It is jthorn5656 and soldierboy is password.

James Thomas Horn


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WHEN YOU WANT TO HUNT

WHEN YOU WANT TO HUNT

Which is worst, being on Board of Directors
Or did become dissectors call building inspectors
And no matter what they may ever do
Up everything seem surely to screw.

Have some humor heard someone say
Don't have pot to piss in or can pay
For how much they wanted for a huge lot
Which would take away all I have got.

Some say a beggar should not be a chooser
And may at times look like a lousy loser
When it is God who you really want
He is right here and don't have to hunt.

Until you had met some smart loan shark
Who will sell you a house in a trailer park
Be careful and examine paper work
Making sure the person was not a jerk.

Some say rules were made to be broken
Are without any money down to last token
My pleasant realtor heard me make a plea
Maybe we should rent a house in RiverSea.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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A roundworm

Unlike his fellow Dick, a roundworm 
stays in the human gut not being firm.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Rare Rhinoceros

A Rare Rhinoceros
 
Nothing seems so rare as a robust rhinoceros
Trying to point long nose into business like us
And incredible case in point never could prove
Because with big mouth he wanted to behoove.

He was rhinoceros always being the rowdiest
With his nose's point many things had missed
Then ended up raising a really big fuss
From scratching poor skin all full of psoriasis.

They never would ever leave him alone
Until his level had been low on testosterone
And rumors started to run amok and amiss 
Monstrous mate he might have forgotten to kiss.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran
Hate to say this butttt
How about this one for
humorous Horn poem of the 
day? Don't want to horn in 
on anyone's business though.
Ho-ho-ho


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Suspenders and Rear-Enders

There's something about suspenders and Rear-enders
And even if you may be running into fenders
To me and many, it might not be a big deal
But suspenders may get caught in steering wheel.

It did seem to start becoming quite drafty
When I saw someone cunning and crafty
Drinking many margaritas which were mixed
Which apparently is how people get their kicks.

To a Hill-Billy high balls may sound strange
And minds have been known to mentally derange
Then a dead end street you had ended up on
Just ran out of gas when it was all gone.

Red light, green light or could be caution
Mixed with margaritas create quite a concoction 
Or even Coca Cola mixed with much rum
And lots of lime, you should also add sum.

Soon I realized and as a matter of fact
Can you imagine the incredible impact
Bloody Mary Margaritas were a disaster
And pretty near put me out to pasture.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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The smartest cavaliers

The smartest cavaliers at the command 'To horse!' 
contrive to be in time for both a horse and whores.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Vices

Any vice is a good device 
for reclaiming a man from vice.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Amanda Veranda


Amanda smiles when she walks down the street.
Amanda parades for the company she meets.
Amanda auditions when you ask her name.
Amanda Veranda is her own hall of fame.

But under the garments and jewels she wears.
She can't stop fearing the gossip she hears.
At night when she's naked and stripped of her gown
Amanda's wide grin sadly slips to a frown.

Her make up starts running her image is bare.
Her vanity's vanished because nobody's there.
She looks in the mirror and sees she must change.
Her fantasy vanity must be rearranged.

So she made herself useful and gave of herself.
And found she could finally climb down from her shelf.
She took down her trinkets and vases and gifts.
Went out and mended those trivial rifts.


She humbled herself and she found it felt good.
Did all the things that she knew that she should.
Now she’s still quite the talk of her little old town.
But it no longer gossips and puts this girl down.

They speak of her highly since she's bowed very low.
Not low in a bad way she just gave up her show.
So if you're an Amanda whose ego's to big
You'll too find it better to swing a new gig.


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The Thtory of My Life


When I wath born the doctor thaid 
"Oh dear I dropped him on hith head" 
My family thued and we were rich 
Becauthe I have thith thtubborn lithp 

Dethpite it all I wathn't thy 
Jutht an ordinary guy 
In fact the girlth all thought it cool 
I wath a heart throb at our thchool 

I have a quite thucceththful life 
A houthe, a job, a gorgeouth wife 
A ruthtic cabin in the wild 
And a lovely little child 

When thhe wath born I did inthitht 
To be on hand and to aththitht 
For I wath filled with angtht and dread 
That thhe might land upon her head 

And when thhe thlithered into view 
I wiped my brow and murmured "phew" 
But when they handed me my lathth 
I thlipped and dropped her on her athth


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Garage A Mirage

Garage A Mirage

Is what I am seeing really a mirage?
Or should I clean out my garage
With garbage spread here and there
Yes, it definitely is beyond compare.

Look at garage which is next door
It is something everyone does adore
And I can't even find a piece of soap
Because my garage is beyond all hope.

God gave me my garage as a great gift
Now everything through I have to sift
To find a screw driver or even a wrench
After I had built a brand new bench.

Prayed for a while before I would panic
And took my car to the auto mechanic
After a while I then had started to moan
To fix my car needed to take out a loan.

James Thomas Horn


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Sitting in Front Row

Let this serve as my poem's introduction:

Every Sunday I sit in front row while
my wife sings in choir which is her
style. She is the only alto and constantly 
complains about it. Here goes.

From 300th poem was almost prevented
Prayed to gracious God who consented
For amount of all my poems to increase
Many said this one is my master piece.

What I want is all of you to invite
And read wonderful poem I did write
Humor to sad hearts, it always will bring
Choir started to improve when they sing.

Off with my wife to church will go again
Where many times before we have been
Great choir did not want me so I let go
Now you can see me sitting in front row.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Everyday There's Something New 2


Everyday there's something new What can I do when my sky is blue. Everyday there's something new Now I wish I had a better view Everyday there's something new And there are some things I never do. Everyday there's something new And some things I wish I never knew Everyday there's something new Some couples stick together like glue. Everyday there's something new People act crazy and the world is a zoo Everyday there's something new Gardeners are happy with what they grew. Everyday there's something new After a rain I examine the dew Everyday there's something new For many circumstances we go through. Everyday there's something new If ,it doesn't fit you, don't wear the shoe! Everyday there's something new Why to eat more than you can chew Everyday there's something new But, for some of us nothing is new Everyday there's something new Some people are walking news. Everyday there's something new I wish I didn't have to hear more bad news Everyday there's something new I see good deeds far in between few. Everyday there's something new I always wish for love to be true Everyday there's something new Some people make other people blue. Everyday there's something new And some people just love trouble to brew Everyday there's something new Let me help you when you're blue Everyday there's something new Let me show you, that my love is true! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2005 October,27,2014


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Marines

An aspiring marine 
is assuredly green, 
but he's not as much green 
as a drowned marine.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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An arrest

For someone his arrest 
is like a chance to rest.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Who I Should Blame

So you can avoid all the suspense
Could it actually be a coincidence
Or by God was it really intended
Like a star in the sky suspended.

Wait for a while and I will think
Maybe for moment into slumber sink
As eyes roll around in back of head
From what I had heard that someone said.

Center of poem is none other than I
And while you happened to pass by
Another idea for a poem just came
It was you my friend who I should blame.


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Racketeers and tears

Some rich men are bored to tears 
with visiting racketeers.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Ale and love

If there's not enough ale 
all attempts to love fail.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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An Unbelievable Poetry Meeting

I still can always remember when
Back room of library, we were let in;
Some wore shorts and also shirts;
Others had blouses on with their skirts.

Men were well-mannered and behaved;
For first time in years, smoothly shaved;
Women were elegant and a powdered nose;
Nowadays no one ever wears any hose.

Color added demure to a woman's cheek
Instead of looking white and very bleak;
Lipstick was livid and also so appealing
Giving you a great and terrific feeling.

Of course, men's voices remained lower;
They were told to read poems much slower;
Woman read words completely with ease;
Seemed so poignant and everyone did please.

Readings were finally over and done
And a fresh, new idea we came upon;
Format of reading will work on and tweak,
Then maybe we can have one once a week.

Read this poem and then when through,
See how many people you can send it to
So in all of their lives happiness can find
Together with pleasure and peace of mind.

jthorn5656@atmc.net
Always welcome criticisms and comments


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An and the aims

To invent something,
that's just AN aim,
but THE aim is to
give it your name.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A reply

If you don't want a man to lie,
don't obligate him to reply.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Feline Friends

“Feline Friends”

Three feline friends they differ yet are the same
With unconditional love that put mankind to shame

If you want a loyal friend you won’t find any to exceed
It doesn’t matter the color, size or exotic breed

Knowing your innermost feelings and always feeling your pain
It never ceases to amaze me the love these small hearts contain

Always by your side like God intended us to be
I can not begin to tell you the teachings they give to me

With humorous curiosity and natural in there way
I watch with awe and wonder at there simplest form of play

They look at us with love and tell us they are content
They fill our hearts with joy and seem to be heaven sent

My advice to all who are trying to make amends
Fill your life with gratitude and find some Feline Friends

3/17/11

Copyright 2011



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Trying to Loose

Weight, she thought about trying to loose;
Wanted to give up and say what is the use?
So her whole body, she started to analyze
Started off with hips and then to her thighs.

Each gluteal was great on each side of rear end
And now we always knew what she did intend
In something that she said which was discrete
I will put all of my fat flat onto a cookie sheet.

Now she only eats three raisin cookies a day
So weight which she has will all go away
Which swiftly all went as smooth as silk
When she ate cookies with a glass of milk.

Of course, to no one would we want to lie
We threw each piece of pie up into the sky
Wanted to marry her and I made a proposal
She threw rest of food down garage disposal.


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Soul saving

The fact that He saves only souls 
not fully consoles.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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New Poetry Movement and Not Bowel

New Poetry Movement and Not Bowel

I really had to be muchly griping;
What I hate the worst is filing and typing;
Out of my life wish you could take those two
And my attitude would improve, that is true.

In poetry, maybe might start a new movement
And trend that into many hearts has sent
A new way so many poems thou shalt write;
Poems will come tougher and never, ever fight.

So you should think about this for a while;
Now that you have discovered my new style
You now can come up with a lot more clarity
By bring things together and cutting the disparity.

Have I caused things to be confusing
By brain washing and words mis-using.

Oh, and I checked off horse as a category. 
They should add the word sense to it though.



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A rank and a prank

The higher the rank, 
the droller the prank.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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People around

Put up with people
around, 
they serve as your
background.

Volodymyr Knyr
2013


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Cut The Cheese

Girls girls girls please
It wasn't me who cut the cheese
I smell flowers in the breeze

It was Stan who did the toot
When he bent to tie his boot

So don't blame Jan for the dirty deed
Stan was the one who set it free


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Please Don't

I always love having the beach around
So I can feel soft sand and hear its sound
Of rough waves as they will roll in
And boiling sun slowly baking my skin.

Will eventually end up with an elegant tan
And then become as handsome as I can;
Women want me to be in their presence;
I an now truly loved in every essence.

In their minds, it is me who they treasure;
My very presence is such a  great pleasure;
When walking down beach they say I'm cute
And should see my body in a bathing suit.

But my lovely wife said to get out of bed
So I could take her to church instead
And there for a while a prayer will say
God please don't let my hair turn gray.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Beautiful Southern Belle

Beautiful Southern Belle

We had started to become belligerent
After discovering just how ignorant
Those from the South all had been;
Which was worst, either women or men?

In South can find them to be friend or foe
And in South no matter where we will go
How far down could they really have gone
On whose post or politics may lean upon.

As my many more poems I start to compile
Should I have done all of them Southern style
And no telling where chips are likely to fall
No matter what they say will end up with y'all.

Parts of Southern tradition soon did fade
But away is a thing which I would never trade
She is my beautiful, ravishing Southern belle
Who with in love in love I fell and fell.
(It is a continuous cycle in the South.) 

James Thesarious Hilariopus Horn
Retired Veteran


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A sole and a Soul

It's a bliss for a sole 
to trample down a Soul.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Being So Smart

Being So Smart

After all of garden work will have ended
My yard will look so lovely and splendid
Beyond belief before your two very eyes
Wonder of magnificence start to realize.

Have received unlimited amounts of praise
As my growing grass gently down still lays
Receiving an occasional ripple from wind
Can watch each blade as it begins to bend.

It always appears that the harder I try
My efforts makes yard's beauty magnify
Great growth took place from very start
Which was the result of me being so smart.

Jonathan Thesarious Hilarious Horn
My Reborn Pen Name
Obviously a poem regarding my current going ons.


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Shelves and Selves and Selfies

Here is an introduction to my poem:

Senator Cruz of Texas was using the 
word cogent in the news recently. 
People are taking pictures of themselves 
and calling them selfies. I combined
these two items together and wrote
this poem. Here goes.

Around for a while we all would scout
Trying to find out what is was about;
When we arrived found a lot of shelves
With pictures people took of themselves.

Was it ludicrous what we seemed to miss?
Or instead of a selfy, showed up selfless
Trying to think we might be mystical
Some even said we had been egotistical?

Incredibly, you continue to say cogent
Never knowing what it may have meant
Before whole world soon came to an end
Great picture of me to you intend to send.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com

PS.

May have to add Selfies 
and selfy to my dictionary.


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On brain training

If you want to train your brain, 
come in out of the rain.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Hmmm, Interesting

Hmmm, Interesting

To me, there never was any surprise 
When it was I who finally would realize 
That no matter how much I loved her so 
Fought tooth and nail like we were a foe. 

This is the start of poem I will now write 
And even if I had held her real tight 
Never grew or gave up and would giggle 
As out of situations she often did wiggle.

For long time stood there all aghast
Wondering how long our love will last
Then there was an ice storm this winter
Which of my attention is now the center.

James Thomas Horn
Touched it up a little bit.


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Eve

Only Eve is a madam, 
who is known from Adam.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Mixed With Scrapple

Mixed With Scrapple

Where should I try to start out and begin?
Pine trees are tall and always so thin
In balmy breeze will sway and sway
While children underneath often play.

So today what should we really do?
Ask God to have our dreams come true
Or something special like a smiling dog
Maybe a frog leaping high over a log.

Gave her some flowers and presented
To my wife who had finally consented
Instead of pie made out of an apple
We had many eggs mixed with scrapple.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ATMOSPHERE

I am a party animal, my heritage is mixed
quite content to lounge about when conditions remain fixed. 

Suppose that’s the nobility which Krypton must provide,
maintaining stiff upper lip when I’m all buzzed inside.

Then too, I’m mostly nitrogen, which is very stable, 
tamping volatility of oxygen: it’s able

to combine with hydrogen (that’s also in my make up).
Uncontrolled? Oh that would lead to an explosive break up.

Carbon Dioxide? Its percentage varies night and day:
vegetative respiration, or so the boffins say.

I wonder why I don’t glow multicoloured in a storm:
my neon, argon, radon being Vegas lighting norm.

If I had more Helium the humans would sound squeaky.
I imagine the attraction of that chap Enrique

Would suffer greatly from affliction. He’d become mundane,
and prove downright offensive if I gave him more methane.

I’ve also Nitrogen Oxide, not Nitrous NO2, 
and a soupçon of ozone which had once protected you

from harmful rays from Out There much more than now is measured.
It seems that humans cannot see what really should be treasured.

I’m moved by friction of the Earth and pressure off the bat
while Coriolis effect pushes me this way and that:

north and south of the equator, the opposite I spin.
Any other speculations, my friends, are simply wind.


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Planned A Ship Trip

Planned A Ship Trip

Things true to form may often be tough
Is like alone you should leave well enough
Because it has become a big pain
Which once was mundane and now is insane

Are all of you really ready for this?
Or like everything else my point will miss
LinkedIn a lost cause should never be
Any why do you always point finger at me?

Maybe your foolish fault it had been
So why don't you let me back in again
Instead of having to join another group
Which I just did called Poetry Soup.

I went on a trip sitting on a ship deck 
After my whole life you tried to wreck
Planned this trip from now thru December
After being tired of shivering my timber (Why Shiver Me Timber)


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Piano player in Rotgut's saloon

“Go west young man”, the neighbors said; but they wisely stayed at home.
From pianoforte to pianoforte, saloon to saloon, town to town I roam.
Surrounded by Phillistines, “soiled doves”, cowpokes, and dullards,
Gamblers, dealers, dance hall girls, and other assorted drunkards.
If a fellow’s feeling generous, he might leave something in my jar,
Or even offer me a drink of the “good stuff” behind the bar.
I guess my fortune can be made where folks are hot, dry, and thirsty,
Playing sad songs on old pianofortes that are musty, dusty, and rusty.
I grew up playing Beethoven, Chopin, Bach and Wagner.
The only songs these cretins know are all by Stephen Foster.
A gambler in a pink silk shirt once asked for a Franz Lizt tune.
I was so surprised, I fell off my chair, to the amusement of the room.
The “faded rose” smells like a horse, and looks the worse for wear.
But if a few more drovers buy me beers, I probably will not care.
If I should wake up next to her, I won’t know what to say.
But she’ll just pretend to be asleep as I quietly slip away.
Through hazes I might recognize a face; or maybe they all look the same.
But in town’s like Rotgut, last night’s best friend won’t remember your name.
I hope someday, somewhere I’ll find a good pianoforte in tune--
But that’s something I’ll probably never find in a one-street town saloon.
If they don’t happen to catch my name, “Eighty-Eight Fingers” will usually do;
That’s all any of them remembers anyway, after they’ve had a few.


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ON THE TOUR BUS IN SAN MAR-ANDORRA-STEIN

ON THE TOUR BUS IN SAN  MAR-ANDORRA-STEIN


“We are older than  your George Washington;
We have  the tallest fields of cotton
West of the Volga; and our castles are small
But all  guaranteed to enthrall.......”

It appears this swing-a-cat country  
With its pipsqueak army  
Of skirt-swinging, fur-slippered, 
Medieval-style soldiers carrying a halbard

Has a National Income less, if you please,
Than  most big  western  companies.
Oil comes not in a pipelines, but a tube’ll do
(Costing many hundreds of roubles too.)

“McDonalds came here five years ago  -
Their first restaurant east of the Po.
KFC   will be coming  next year  -
It will be a national holiday here......”

I climb wearily back aboard 
Our tour bus here  abroad.
I don’t wish to seem quirky
But I’d rather be home  in Albuquerque.

.....................................................................................

Note

Verses in quotes are the tour guide voice. Other verses are the tourist’s 
thoughts.


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I Would Often Wonder

Many Times I would often wonder
Why there is turbulence and thunder
Big waves which around will whirl
And tornadoes which seem to swirl.

Weather to me always does amaze
Do you think it is a form of praise
Which we offer to God we love
Even from below or else up above.

Avalanches at times also will occur
And people can create quite a stir
Disturbance followed by a commotion
Especially with my shaving lotion.

I presume all women with their perfume
Knows that overhead our doom does loom
Women by God were the ones manifested
To upset things men should have digested.

Women and weather we must put up with
And someone once asked was it a myth
A man on a ship may have been decked
When he told his wife he was hen pecked.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Into a Parish Priest

Into a Parish Priest.

Horn has always worked the hardest

At trying to become an blowhard artist

And a great poet he soon became

To find all of his fortune and fame.


God as great as He always has been,

Wasn't sure where he should begin

Regarding making Horn more poetic

Whose appeal was totally pathetic.


When Horn wrote poetry and sang music

You got sick and would leave real quick;

Horn in our choir was no longer allowed

And sounded like someone disembowed.


A dirty hand poor God had been dealt

When He found out how bad Horn smelt;

How could God hurt the fewest the least?

So He turned Horn into  a parish priest.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Near Me Everyday

Near Me Everyday

God who I know is near me everyday
Who is bright light showing true way
By all of your beloved laws, help me to abide
Before you may end up having my hide.


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A sort of a toast for everyday use

Let's be always gay 
today 
leaving sorrow 
for tomorrow. 

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Member in Middle of the Class

Member in Middle of the Class

If you happen to be a Hillary or an Obama
There may be much trauma in your drama
And they will come up with a perfect excuse
Fund misuse and attitude of what is the use. (By Congress of course.)

There are both bills and also social security
When you look deep may find an impurity
With devil made a pack and sealed a bond
Then our money Congress tried to abscond.

While we bare the brunt an illiterate illegal
Away from us many things try to steel
In many different forms especially welfare
Which is another Middle Class nightmare.

Hands out for hand outs is all I seem to see
Are now the difference between them and me
Even though I am articulate and also adroit
What I have of mine others so often will exploit.

What we want to do is forget and find things fair
In a democratic place where everyone will care
Put middle class first in line and never last
Protect me from having to pay for their poor past.

I am concerned about here and now and present
Promote ways which make our society a pleasant
Member of our country's courageous middle class
Before illegals cause us to completely run out of gas.

James Serendipity Persnickety Horn
Retired Veteran


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An Early Holiday Poem

This seems to be my Poetry Soup way of life:
"Thank you for your wonderful poems. We only 
allow 10 poems posted per 24hr period so that 
more poems are read. Thanks again for your 
wonderful poety. In the meantime, please 
comment of the poetry of others." Look at
this Poetry Soup Comment and tell me what 
is wrong with it? How about poety and of
which should be on for starters? Don't
get me wrong. I am just trying to be a nice
guy. They didn't put any of my recent poems
on their recent email either. My jinx has
just been broken so here goes:

An Early Holiday Poem Part 1

I certainly must make a confession
She sure seems to have such an obsession 
About a glorious new star and it siting
Inviting an occasion for poem to be writing.

Compared to other ones, this star outshone 
Appearing like it was standing there all alone
Way up high in a completely dark sky
While we on earth were wondering why.

Some people were making and declaring an edict
About somewhere in Bible were people predict
A great, huge star someday will soon appear
Signifying the Christ Child was close and near.

Yet, they didn't have a recorder called a cam
But I believe it was in beloved Bethlehem
Cute Christ Child was cuddled in a big barn
So everyone could start spreading a yarn.

Three wise men met Jesus with their presence
With all of their real, actual pleasing presents
Which created quite a stir with their demure
With some perfume, frankincense and Mir.

After perfectly planned party was finally done
Christ Child's glorious life had now begun
Outside many people started to toil and tarry
And rebuilt barn into a Romanesque Monastery.

Why did they pick a Romanesque style of all things?

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Diet Queens

Diet Queens

Is she really one of those diet queens
Who would prefer to eat pork and beans
And wanted to look pretty in her teens
So she started wearing tight blue jeans.

She had gorgeous body beyond belief;
In two piece once was stuck on a reef
And one day suffered from much grief;
She realized that she was on relief.

I even had heard that someone said
He skin was so thick and never bled
So she soon ate self to death instead
And had been found dead in her bed.

She was cross between an angel and cow;
Was even part dog who went bow wow;
She wanted to stay in the here and now
But still ended up in heaven somehow.

Can you believe it?
jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Now No Longer Trim

Now No Longer Trim

Some cows one day were killed and died
And when I had cooked my steak rarified
Everyone there that saw it became terrified
Even though their mouth was opened wide.

Poem of mine am sure must have to hurt
Piece of steak into mouth would insert
Blood from mouth oozed and started running 
Truly such a sight which had ben stunning.

What if they had changed their main goal
Went ahead and swallowed each piece whole
After into mouth each piece they did dump
Up in throat each one started to clump.

Stomach each piece would work its way to
What they started to see after being all through
Was bunches of fat on belly every which way
And did blame it on dead cows without delay.

If it hadn't been for both her and also him
And all their friends which was the rest of them
None of us ever again would look so grim
We all became fat but should have stayed trim.

So when you start trimming things down to size
Your beautiful body again will start to realize.
How is that for an end up motto?

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran



PS. I am open to all suggestions just 

like people always have open mouthes.


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Which Pitch

Which Pitch

What will we need for some ammunition
To create any thoughts for a rendition
So house designs won't be a cookie-cutter
With only two colors like bread and butter.

Property values may decline severely
Which will drive us crazy almost nearly
When if what you want is notoriety
House designs should be of a variety.

To find our house and really know which
Proof of pudding is probably in the pitch
Or if lame and worn out you happen to be
With no steps is house which you will see.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.copm


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Catastrophic

Why would anyone have had any alarm

When I am here with my incredible charm

And to think todays topic is catastrophic

Happens every time I try to be philosophic.


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A find

He who strains his ears
is a find for seers.

Volodymyr Knyr 2014


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My First Poem Example

My First Poem Example

From your mind, I want to remove a myth
These are first two lines I woke up with
Also have learned and heard as of late
Read my poems people can hardly wait.

Even last day when my life does expire
To write poems can't destroy the desire
And many may not ever like my looks
Should see my stacks of composition books.

Most of all much typing sure hate to do
Wish there was some way which I knew
To transfer all my poems to a disk
Without ever having to suffer any risk.

If each poem in my mind could only be
Transferred directly from inside of me
Without suffering mental and emotional strain
And end up becoming part of your brain.

All suggestions am completely opened up to
So my thick skull and brain can get through;
In the meantime, will you please do this
Any of my poems be sure not to miss.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran







































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Local Newspaper Caper

Local Newspaper Caper

To local newspaper will not subscribe again
Now no longer put any of my new poems in
Which people in past loved reading greatly
But in paper are not there as of lately.

To me. people are singing the same old song;
This time what again have you done wrong
Are they afraid you will upset the apple cart?
Don't they have sense of humor or any heart?

Just as I expected and do fervently fear
They never will give my poems a good cheer
It is a case of something which will sicken
On themselves, they all are awe-stricken.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

So what do you think?


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Hares and heirs

The higher the fecundity of hares, 
the worse the chance to reconcile their heirs.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Soon She Won't Be

Soon she won't be our great secretary
Which to all of us does seem so scary; 
As audacious, administrative assistant
Performance is persistent and consistent.

Also, forever in future we always regret
Her going away which we had to let
If longer with us would stay for a while;
You would see us still wearing a smile.

In church, we were wiggling and squirming
While we did listen to Father Dave's sermon
Which quite a congregation they all drew
We even found Lovett sitting in front pew.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetryoup.com

PS. Lovett is our church secretary
who will be a full-fledged parishioner
again at the end of April 2014.


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Why No Wine

Be sure to put on your sense of humor caps
and think about this one for a long while.

Why No Wine

Had eaten a hamburger I did embellish;
With cucumber, catsup and some relish
Then somewhere found my mind in a fog
Forgot about buying bun with a hot dog.

Drink cup of coffee, thought that I might
And a donut which in always do delight
Back home eventually had slowly returned
To see what else my wife had badly burned.

My body quickly became bare to the bone
And I have started to cook on my very own
Size of my blundering body is now fat and big
Now have to walk around while wearing a wig.


How much I love her, she will never know
I often sang in old song that told her so
Can you believe we were divorced by the Pope
And with a wild nun he would make me elope.

My firmness is now flabby and I am flustered
Catholics at communions never serve any custard
Priest rode away on erotic horse who was equine
But behind left host after taking all of the wine.

Which is why unpleased parishioners have 
been served only a host without any wine.
A priest is always a perfect host for a party.

Not only do Catholic priests serve a host
They also even do it from coast to coast.


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What All Dentists Do

What All Dentists Do

Writing poetry is like a lot of therapy
Looking for equivalence and parity
Matching things together so you can see
Best way things should eventually be

Do you know what all dentists do?
Make sure your teeth are not askew
Always strong and straight as can be
Not looking like face had a lobotomy

Last time I had looked in my lunch
A card in it had a crooked punch
Opened mouth so dentist could see underneath
You've been taking amazing care of your teeth 

At various times have been having a vigil
Worrying about affects which are residual
Should it be I who is always blamed?
Because my gums have become inflamed

While on long walk looked for a eulogy
And another weird thought came to me
If my teeth are crooked and out of line
Are they really actually mine all mine


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Why Does Everyone

Why Does Everyone

Why does everyone become spell-bound?
When my great poems are always around.
Being that with my poems nothing is wrong.
PoetrySoup is perfect place where they belong.

With my poems why would anyone grieve
When what they are really about to receive
Has become completely out of my control
Poem God sent was part and not whole.

Jim Horn

PS. I ended up having to make up the rest
like it seems we have to do throughout life.


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My Strawperry Pie

My hunger was much and also very
So I wanted pie made of strawberry
Which was so sweet with firm crust;
To eat it you should and also must.

You can tell from your very first bite
Whether in morning, noon or at night
With no one would you want to share
Because my pie is beyond compare.

So I ate it all and did not saving any;
Days did pass by which were many;
Wondered if I should make one more;
Could not resist so I made a score.

Being that I am always very well fed
Should I make only seven instead,
And if land of Lincoln is where I live
To whom should my pies I now give.

I did gave to God the very first piece
And rest I gave to Chicago police
Which was so cold and never hot;
Now I have a free parking spot.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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The heavy swell

A scrub fast comes the heavy swell 
over a man who just does well.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Futility and Humility

Futility and Humility

I have often found that failure and futility
Should never have a home with humility
When what you really need is the ability
To separate surfacing sin from senility.

Maybe so many of us might wear a mask
Then try to avoid each and every task
And outside in sun surely to bask in it
While of much wine empty another casket.

Reached church and in it had a horrible high
Put nothing in and let collection plate pass by
I never committed a sin or ever liked to lie
Now, to be Crazy Christian, every day do try.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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English to French

Excuse me, my French ami,
the future belongs to me.

Volodymyr Knyr 2014


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Class B Poem

Considered to Be a Class B Poem
or a Spaghetti Western One

Before becoming and ending up being broke, Of genius and luck body had a big stroke, But what had been unbeknownst to me, Was a “B” Poem it turned out to be. Was written poorly after hearing a beckon call; If it went down river and fell over a water fall; Landed on rocks below and became broken hearted, Maybe it should be returned from where it first started. My poem, to me was cute and clever; Will write one like it again, no not ever; Even Poetry Revisited said after further review: Much more about nothing, was found to be further ado. When you have read my poem through and through, Be young at heart so dreams can come true, Although I am articulate and also adroit, My poems people personally are still trying to exploit. 
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Need all of your help. This is my poem to be read at this coming
Sunday's Poetry Revisited get together. Would appreciate all of
your comments as well as criticism regarding all of my witticism. 


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Scowl from a Fowl

Scowl from a Fowl

Everybody had been saying their blessing
Started to eat turkey filled with dressing
Along with some salad and cutup tomatoes
And my favorite which is sweet potatoes.

Ate crisp piece of bread without crumpling
Discovered how much I liked apple dumpling
Which is what we had towards the end
And turkey wishbone we tried to bend.

Longer the length always better the luck
And a turkey I never have tried to pluck
When it stopped running all over the place
He was left with terrible look on his face.

Teeth loosened as days of life did increase
And we ended up eating macaroni and cheese
Never again to see a face with a big scowl
Worn by tough turkey who once was a fowl.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran
www.poetrysoup.com
Name: jthorn5656
Password: *soldierboy*
In asterisks and one word
in small letters


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Back to Back

Back to Back

When reading book, it you must be facing
As well a piece of paper when you are tracing
But if back to back, you both happen to be
Each other no longer will be able to see.

Jim Horn


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Where Heads Butt

Where Heads Butt in the USA or

I Don't Believe in Bodily Harm

 

What we all did was to dilly dally

And our rear ends ended up in Raleigh;

Then later on back of little Billy Goat

Took a ride to somewhere in Shallotte.

 

We took another trip for a historical thrill;

Had an incredible tour of Charlottesville;

Went to Washington by way of Mt. Vernon.

To see the tree leaves which were turning.

 

We wanted to watch fish as they play,

So we both went back to Chesapeake Bay;

Up North again would go willy nilly 

Where John Wayne was with a pilgrim in Philly.

 

Ventured South to Florida to find a fantasy

In a world which was made by Walt Disney

And nothing could be finer or even greater

Then being in Carolina with an awful alligator. 


James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Bolivia, NC near Shallotte

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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To Heaven We Have to Go

To Heaven We Have to Go
or Hi Ho Where is the Dairy Oh

Loved him with all of his ambience
Which often had wished I could absconce
Wh happened to be handsome to the hilt
Like a frustrated flower, could make me wilt.

Was becoming with smile which was contagious
Almost as broad as from here to Uranus
Style was firm and for nothing ever did waiver
And I forever wanted to be in his favor. 

God who often harbors self in heaven above
Who we willfully worship and always love
He has developed a fallacy while growing older
Likes going around wearing a chip on his shoulder.

About problem, I warned him and also behooved
Once everything to heaven, you have moved
I had hoped that you would not ever mind
Leaving all that I own of mine behind.

In last days, he became meaner and meaner
While ending up taking us both to the cleaners
And when he finally in heaven had arrived
From our diligent divorce nothing had survived.

So when I said that you had become a mystic
You went to heaven and was totally ballistic
Now why would you want to go up there
Where no one smokes and they never swear.

Can you imagine some people having to go there.

James Thomas Horn 
Retired Veteran 


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Professorial glasses

Often even professorial glasses 
don't help heads not to look like asses.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Of His Very Own

Of His Very Own

He is a Lutheran because Martin Luther
Was a church builder and also a roofer
On top of things and steeples liked to stay
Making sure marvelous churches were on display.

Why laugh a little when you can a lot
Each church for people in choir have sought
While his voice up in air was held suspended
He joined choir knowing it was so splendid.

As a baby was great at building blocks
Hanging on fireplace place Christmas socks
People want quality and won't leave him alone
Now he has construction business of his own.

How is this poem as an introduction for
Steve Schultz of Southern Comfort Homes
who built our house for us?    Jim Horn


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Plowers and flowers

As there're no plowers 
who smell like flowers,
so no flowers  
that smell like plowers.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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So She Was Late

So She Was Late

Would it be best to be in a saddle
When you want to be loading cattle
Or only a baby who likes to rattle;
Maybe a soldier fighting a big battle.

No! She is one who never will astound
And wouldn't like to have to have around;
Can you image her when she was crowned?
She was only found while wearing a frown.

Played baseball and did not want to wait,
But she slide and still missed home plate
And was thrown out for having been late;
Having one more child would be great.

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Off the Wall

Off the Wall

When she wore a see through brassiere
It was the end of her whole career
So she wanted to try a new antic
And decided to be a body mechanic.

Why when you see a body like her's
She is the reason why a wreck occurs;
She even thought you used Morse Code
When you wanted to flush a load.

The load happened to be clothes instead
And finally after she had gone to bed
Now heaven she was soon to be sent
Until she wondered where the yellow went.

So everyone should surely know their place
And every evening after I have said grace
When I told my wife her !*?*! seems to small
She through me and my plate against the wall.

PS. The !*?*! was really steak. The other word
has six letters. jthorn556@atmc.net


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By fluke

Unpretty women by only fluke
can give their children a pretty look.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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An Urge to Purge

Had an urge to purge songs which were a dirge
And on many spiritual songs start to splurge
Which will really liven up the whole place
And put a smile on each and every face.

We sound like being in a period of mourning
When all around us is always adorning
Which is none other than God and Jesus
Who can cure my many cases of enuresis.

When I go to church I get so excited
Because by Them I have been invited;
On God's Son Jesus I have a big crush
Then go to bathroom and have to flush.

I have an experience which is really moving
I started to rock and roll and am grooving
After giving it my all and whole entire
They actually want me to join the choir.
 
James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Should I Try It

Should I Try It?


So with you people should I try it?

Which is go ahead and create a riot;

I will start and really who knows

Can it be that curiosity grows?


Should see the stories she did concoct

That seemed to put you in a state of shock;

Never was sure what she did intend;

Was completely confused when reaching end.


Story started out about a politician

Who we were astounded by her superstition;

Those who always like spending the most

Will die and become a dastardly ghost.


Next story was about a beauty queen,

Who some say was totally obscene

When off big mouth she would shoot

And Army wanted her for a fresh recruit.


Then a woman did desire to be President,

Who by God had been graciously sent;

When she was young did have an abortion,

Who they all tried to sue for extortion.


Would you want to be a woman these days,

Not receiving equal pay or any praise;

With many nice people it is now agreed

Hillary for President is what and who we need.


jthorn5656@atmc.net 

James Hawthorne Horn

Bolivia, NC


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Seven Riddles Solved

Even though Brothers and Sisters I have none that man standing there is my Father's Son. He is my savior, Jesus the man from Galilee if your faith is strong, He will be easy to see. What is it that gets wetter the more it dries it could be anything that you see with eyes. Evil lies, goodness dies, causing a thousand cries starry eyed I look to the skies as the angel flies. It goes in dry and comes out wet the longer it stands the stronger it gets. Water in the cup turns to tea, the bag steeps hotter the better with sugar by the heaps. What goes up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up. It can be used as a prop for a clown or to cover yourself or your pup. Raining again, grab the umbrella 'cause this is the day I met my Cinderella. A Father and a Son on a motor bike accident the Father is taken to the West end hospital and the Son is taken to the East end hospital. The Doctor there goes to operate on the Son until the Doctor says " I can't do it, it's my Son." The E.R. is full with this, that and the other Chief of Staff today is Dr. Mother. The man that made it, never used it and the man that used it, never seen it. He made a system of raised dots, Louis Braille so the man who lost his sight could stay on the trail. The only thing that will constantly go up never to come down it has never been in the sky or even under the ground. While young birthdays are fun, but always adding more age no one gets younger, clock never stops, we all turn the page.


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Elephants Are Well-Equipped

Elephants Are Well-Equipped

For everything, Elephants are well-equipped
Great grip on ground and have never slipped
So gigantic and even someone proposes
With mighty memory lets call him Grandpa Moses.

Moses's nose is so long and still very elegant
What would you expect from a wonderful elephant?
Regardless of wild woman and a mindful man
Never can claim to be Democrat or Republican.

Side is big and know which one they are on
Even if coming, been here or already gone
Attempts to corral him may prove to be feudal
One thing for sure though, won't flip his noodle.

James Thomas Horn


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Good Neighbor Rick's Lab Dog

Good Neighbor Rick's Labrador Dog

They were kidding by saying Rick was a road hog
And you should be sure to see his adorable dog
Searching up and then down street everywhere
With pounds of superb energy always to spare.

Rick's leaving to see a ECU game today
While his delirious dog would only get in the way
So being nice next door neighbor I have been
His back door by him was unlocked to let me in.

Of course you know for something like goodness sack
I will have to take dastardly dog out for a potty break
And how he does things has certain way and style
Of running here and there for quite a long while.

Improperly out to pasture, dog will end up putting me
Now that I am all tired and worn out as can be;
For me, many more surprises Rick's dog has in store
Which I learned is why they call him a lovely Labrador. 

Not sure if he is a she or she is a he or maybe a banshee
hehe. Or for that matter, what dog's name is either.
ECU is East Carolina University in Greenville, NC I think.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn


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What I Always Do

What I always do is devote
All of the time to my remote
Trying to tell if there is a quirk
Causing connection not to work.

I was on the computer one day
When message I saw, it did say
Next update will be called infinity
And no more updates will there be.

Now no longer will I have to change
And my mind mentally derange
And never need a tune up again
After your patience is wearing thin.


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Hate to Be a Prude

I really hate to be a big crude prude
But what do you consider to be finger food?
And are some of us kind of slackers
How about cookies or maybe crackers?

Then what about if we fly on a trapeze
And maybe might add piece of cheese
Then what if we were to fall
After we finally had to eat it all.

How about having some fruit instead
Which is better for you Doctor said
That should always be a human trait
And all people will properly regulate.


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An individualist

Being present in any
list 
sickens an
individualist.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Original and a Response

This poem sure hits home with me;
To write, it took some time.
It proves again as you can see,
That the best ones always rhyme.

Gene Lakin,
My Next Door Neighbor

Like a good beer, it hit the spot
Outside when it had been hot
In my mind together things are meshing
And write this poem which is refreshing.

Jim Horn
My Response to Gene


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Best Poem of All

Best Poem of All

To be most popular poet, what will it require
Someone to read all my poems in their entire
Or only subject by subject start to browse
To see which ones your curiosity will arouse.

Best poem of all, which one is it liable to be?
Which will be popular and go down in history
In the troubling towel finally had to through
I kept coming up with over a hundred or so.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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If the Truth

If the Truth
If the truth should be known, Poems I like best are my own Which of moment write in the spirit And if you want can even hear it. Advantages are all incredible these days Of the ways myself I can praise and will write a poem while here I set afterwards displaying on the internet. At first, I must use my email name Then password and will get the blame For adding more poems to my long list Which to read will find hard to resist. jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Peter's Transmogrification

Petey's chillin', that La-Z-Boy
Gulpin' Big his refreshing joy
swellin' swell his bellied pot
chillin', thrilling, harey sot

fast-food's bagged, the carton void
Pete's tummy growls a bit annoyed
paper's crumpled and tossed aside
McGregor's garden done gone deep-fried

smartly grasping his cell phone
so he's not alone, when all alone
paws kicked up he's nearly prone
kickin' back his chillin' zone

blue jacket became a red T-shirt
athletic-style that might exert
but rest a minute, take off them treads
and matching headband for forehead

whether stylin' cool or stylin' hot
nothin's stylin' like doin' squat
sista's pleadin' "get off yo ass!
outta that chair an' grip a grasp!"

Mopsy rants loud to no avail
an' so do Flopsy and Cotton-tail
chillin' Pete ignores their behest
relaxin's what ol' Pete does best

remembering that ol' gal B. Potter
sloth feels great but hadn't oughter
all those tales should cut 'im slack
over exertion might make a heart attack

© Goode Guy 2014-02-21

inspired from Suzanne's wonderful sketch at ODU art department showing 2014-02-20

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Rabbit


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A skin peel

The thorougher the skin peel, 
the stronger the sex apeal.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Provoked By a Big Joke

Provoked By a Big Joke

At first and foremost law was suspended
No longer needed and now suspended
Then a little later it really was rescinded 
Not knowing purpose and for whom intended.

After all of this seemed so heart wrenching
An choir which was great had stopped singing
To the service tissue people started bringing
When so sad everyone found themselves being.

People ceased to contribute and church went broke
Started strutting out after putting on coat or cloak
When Priest and Lord I did deeply provoke
They had heard my poems which were a big joke.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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So Why Be Filled with Sorrow

So Why Be Filled with Sorrow?

Instead of with sorrow, read my poems tomorrow
And a whole book of them may be able to borrow
Which I never started and haven't written yet
So will have to go to PoetrySoup on the internet.

All of my poems many people want to read
To fill some certain cravings and a need
Provide peace, quiet, comfort and to satisfy
And desire to read poems until day you die.

Poems are like fine shredded fruit in ambrosia
Not many piles of junk obtained from minutia
People will sit in chairs and then prop up feet
Read my marvelous poems which can't be beat.

Of others when you read my poems in spite
Should you be highly educated and an erudite?
Or maybe it really was me who was teasing
When I said my poems are perfectly pleasing.

You are now overly nourished and finally full
On my pleasant poems plug please don't pull
If poems are too long and no one satisfies
I can start trimming and cutting down to size.

James Hankering Around Horn
Retired Veteran
Category of this was listed as humorous which it might be to me.


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Opposed to an Oblivion

Opposed to an Oblivion

In Brunswick County, there lived a Bolivian
Who was opposed to having another oblivion
When both he and gorgeous wife here came
To find abundant amount of fortune and fame.

Their realtor who happened to be a loan shark
Tempted them with trying to live in a trailer park
And being there were only two mouths to feed
A tortuous trailer would be all that they need.

When like sheep they would creep off to sleep
Into debt, they never, ever had to go deep
And my husband who has been an old fart
Had dream about Wal-Mart and a shopping cart.

Both back wheels of cart had started to bang
In front was a fool with front tooth looking like a fang
Even though with much musical talent was gifted
He went to a smaller store and there shop-lifted.


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Object of a Sigh

Object of a Sigh

Relief seems to be an object of sigh
But have you ever seen one in the sky
Maybe in form of a cute little cloud
Who when rains is crying out loud.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Quest orientation

In the East, every
quest 
orients to the West.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Toilet Seat

Toilet Seat

This again I may have to repeat
What if I were a troublesome toilet seat
Instead of up and down one of these days
I actually would have moved it sideways.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Meander and Great Gander

Meander and Great Gander

Writing poems and playing a guitar
My soul never scare or leave a scar
Even though some say I'm a rising star
Love hearing me play from off way far

Poems of my personality are an extension
May remove all of your anal retention
Reading my poems is always so much fun
Until off to bathroom body will have to run

Lately, have you ever heard of humoristic
Like a humorist who has gone ballistic
Behind poems and jokes likely will lurk
Something about a jerk who went berserk

If politically correct and into it must meander
Look at grunting goose behind a big gander
Who cussed after causing a meager mishap
So person behind would step in a pile of crap

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com

PS. I'll drink to that
And should've bought a cat.
Also, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
That was I who told you so.


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Have You Ever Become

Have You Ever Become or 
Are you a Hillary Fanatic Fan

Saw volumes of statistics considered to be vital
Which had all gone viral in a poetic recital
And most of the many people became livid
To newly forming facts no proving to be vivid.

There were meaningful people with proclivities
About other odd, odious, idiots with obscenities 
After their disruptive disease became endemic
Then decided another one they wanted to pick.

Conditions had become all constantly critical
And played around with idea of being political
Found out White House has been known for
Finding various groups who you want to ignore.

Finally after flippantly checking out a fall fashion
Some crazy guy thought he should start cashing
In on great ideas several other groups now had
They all came together forming a famous fad.

When you do happen to be deeply in despair
And can't find any groups who should care
After moo moo here, there and maybe some more
Should see me in White House who you will adore.

How is your splendid sense of humor today? 
Bet you will never see another poem like this 
one or ever want to for that matter if it does
ever matter at all.

The Trilogy Worshipper. Reply and tell me 
who they are.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn


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A VIP

A VIP while making pee 
looks like a not-quite VIP.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Live in the Attic

Live in the Attic

About many things, I can be curious
While others always like living luxurious
And if son surely raises a lot of static
You can always make him live in the attic


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Leave Her Alone

Leave Her Alone

Are you always full of a bunch of bull
And truly think you are so wonderful
Headstrong is what it is called by some
Or other egotistical word my way will come.

To be heard above others talks very loud
No wonder he can picked out in a crowd
And always thinks of all is the best
Should give his mouth and brain a rest.

Would a person like this a woman like?
She surely would tell him to take a hike
Down the road to a destination unknown
And while he is at it leave her alone.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Oh No not Again

Oh No Not Again

Another advertiser us he just did call
And pretended we weren't here at all
Wonder what this time will it be for?
Something about my muscles being sore.

Another bright idea on me did dawn
Press off button and they will be gone
And while we are watching our TV
Who is calling message there seems to be.

Automation may be good for many things
My alarm comes on and someone sings
Have an ISP who is a computer connector
On microwave and range have a selector.

Lifted my computer top and it came on
What we like best is when we are gone
Can get our air conditioner to start
On command from many miles apart.

So it seems like for every situation
Automation can come up with a creation
For any and everything we would need
Except separating grass from each wild weed.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

Can care for the complicated but gets
confused with the plain and simple. 
Is he or she a Republican or a democrat?
Who from all the land lives off of its fat.


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Ravens and Super Bowl Ring

 A Super Bowl Ring 

 Me and my cat were solemnly sitting 
 And on line words all started fitting 
 To form a poem of prevalent pleasure 
 Which forever I will always try to treasure. 

 Story started out so very splendid 
 That by the time it had ended 
 My mind and spirit were enlightened 
 Had lost weight and belt was tightened. 

 Calories make fat and minds mentality 
 Need a home in South to have hospitality 
 And after writing poems by the score 
 Wonder what raven did for evermore. 

 In gargantuan stadium football would play 
 Trying to lead other teams astray 
 So many touchdowns they may accomplish 
 Which is what will meet their owner's wish. 


 And of course naturally their final goal 
 Was to end up on TV in Super Bowl 
 Then of football be a beloved king 
 With big ego while wearing Super Bowl ring.


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Life Goes On

Life Goes On

When me and my Master may meet
Will he say I have small, smelly feet
Which is the way my life goes on
Until with soap all the smell has gone.

Haven't finished it yet.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Bad Dreams

Bad Dreams

To write another poem, I now do propose
But how long before the words decompose
And maybe my style be required to change
Being that current one seems so strange.

If I am to be a Master Poet and Planner
How long and wide must be my banner
And much tanner I may have to be
When I wore a bikini to see most of me.

How about numbers game we should be playing
In our poems, you and my age start displaying
And when is it required that you be an antique?
Before your poems stand out and reach a peak.

Finally:

Read my poems, people will cease, desist and dread,
Caused bad dreams when they were asleep in bed.


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Become A Milllionaire

Become A Millionaire

What should I do to start convincing
You of some of the things I am sensing
And wondering how soon my poems will be
Part of your wishful reading now a reality.

To me, writing poems is a lot of fun
That is required and should be done
Make imagination stretch and more elastic
Into fantastic poems classified as classic.

Early each morning have the urge
To purge my conscience and splurge
By writing poems which I suppose
Are like when someone wants to propose.

Do you take my poem to love and obey
Which will never need to lead you astray
Have, hold and hear what you have to say
Not creating a scene or making a display.

Now that to my poems you are devoted
What is best way to have them promoted?
After reading them and sit and stare
Could I actually become a millionaire?

James Thomas Horn 
Retired Veteran


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Samuel Adams Beer

A time capsule was uncovered in Olde Boston the other day.

   'Twas found in the Statehouse cornerstone, so they say.

      'Twas placed there by patriots Samuel Adams and Paul Revere.

         'Mongst other things found were three jugs of Samuel Adams Beer!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


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Write Great Poems

Write Great Poems

Write great poems, I will never quit
And the millionth number hope to hit
Regarding my poems people have read
After some prayers to God they all said.

If you were weak and once an outcaste
And have poor memories of times that past,
Read my poems is what you should do;
Always to yourself be sure to be true.

Behind me, display my poems on a screen,
And of all departments do tell each dean
"All of their views will be very appreciated
From all of those who are highly educated."

jthorn5656@atmc.net


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Joined the Military

Join the Military

Poor live in poverty while others are rich
And all they seem to do is bitch, bitch, bitch
Their motto is when in trouble or have doubt
Should go ahead and wait for another handout.

When we wanted to buy a new night gown
All of them ended up with a hand me down
Instead of something they would adore
It got bought at some second hand store.

Sure you could say the poor are abused
Mis-used living with things which are well-used
On back responsibility they refused to carry;
To learn better went off and joined the military.

That is why they are called the employer of last 
resort and not related to any vacations.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

PS. Sound familiar? Oh, and guess you could
call this an identity cross so I checked off 
that box also


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My Poems Should Sound

My Poems Should Sound

My poems should sound like you would sing
For me ever to find a friendly following
Into hearts and minds my poems must come in
So I will want to write more again and again.

Myself I am personally trying to encourage
So when gradually approaching the ridge
There will be many more leftover to write
Which I will do with all of my might.

Older and older I appear to be getting
And last time that I saw the sun setting
In my face it had been another slap
Guess what? I needed another nap.

Jim Horn


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Apostle Who Was A Fossil

Apostle Who Was A Fossil

Some seem to be calling me an apostle 
Who they say looks like an old fossil
With hair which is so gray as can be
And bruised body bent just like a tree

He also does look like an acolyte
Who in a cave is slim as a stalactite
Bones became hard and very brittle
And now is no longer fit as a fiddle.

The middle we found on this fellow
Can be compared to a marsh mellow
And in our each eye comes a tiny tear
When we see him waddle with his rear.

After he finally became a grandfather
Won't lose any weight so why bother
And is it true or could it be a fable?
Heaven does have a big dining room table.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Kitty or Kitten

Kitty of Kitten

If you were only a little kitten
Would poems about you be written
Like gave him all the love that she could,
So he would end up being good.

Love is best when will be everlasting;
According to what friends are forecasting
We should treat each other with much care
And a little love here and much more there.

If you happen to be a poor pitiful kitty
Who on often people will try to take pity,
A new movement should be started and led
All about love and how it should be spread.

After we will work out each kink, what do you think,
Missed find missing link, because both eyes did blink. 

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Hippopotamius and Synonyamous

Hippopotamus and Synonymous  

Some say if I happen to be a hippopotamus 
My son to me also should be synonymous
And if they found and ate any anti-mater
Would they actually end up being fatter?

Jim Horn


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Quite a lad

An old man usually is glad
to be reputed quite a lad.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Hopping Kangaroo

A Hopping Kangaroo

What on top of home is attached;
How about a roof that is thatched?
And was always hard when I drew
A picture of a hopping kangaroo.

Not only that, it is very true
If someone can do it, how about you.

If with you I were to have a bout,
I wonder how the picture would turn out 
Or should it be done outside in, 
And off my nose, would never take any skin.

Finally, if of a poem made a double entry
What would it be that is elementary
To remove one which will be no more
And write another, what am I waiting for.

How do I remove a double entry of a poem?
Jim Horn


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Apply A Lot More Pressure

Apply A Lot More Pressure

In your mind, there must be something wrong
When you can't sing my poem like a song
And after I will have worked out each kink
My great poem will make you try to think.

I also added many more poems for you to read
In smoothly flowing mind will plant a seed
While you take a trip then sit in some shade
And all of your expenses will have been paid.

If nosy Jack really had been so nimble
And every time that he took a thimble
While I would wave my magic wand
On trembling thumb he then put it on.

Now dastardly Jack was not really dumb
He always wore his thimble on right thumb
So he could always apply a lot more pressure
And sew thoughtful things we always treasure.

www.poetrysoup.com Name: jthorn5656


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What We All Already Know

What We All Already Know

About our world, what we all know the best
Is directions are north, south, east and west
With one which is opposite of the other;
Like this one would God actually make another?

Suppose if God with all of His great powers
Had made some other world looking like ours
What would he make that were differences?
Without worrying about added expenses.

Making people who will pray every day
To me, would be an exact, perfect way
That can take a load off a person's mind
And pass salt, please try to be so kind.

That is what our world is comprised of
Someone who is looking or a lot of love
After searching in each nook and cranny
Ending up with feeling that is uncanny. 

Maybe to other world our love left and went
Which is why God His only Son has sent
Who we are to believe in and truly treasure
Save us from sins that are beyond all measure. 

When Christ died each case was closed
On ours, other world was super-imposed
And this time on nothing did God skimmish 
Even sent His Son born without one blemish.
(Maybe skimmish should be skimpish.)

We still wonder why, how, where and what
God could have done with all of the glut
I heard a rumor mentioned by word of mouth
It all ended up somewhere in the south.

James Hideous Fastidious Horn


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Guess Who She Is

Guess Who She Is?

Found her in some smooth flowing shower
Where each morning God gave her the power
To write awesome poems and oh so great
So in her shower she wanted to celebrate.

Soap was slowly getting into her eyes
It was then that she started to realize
All of her cruddy hair looked like crap
She forgot to put on crinkly shower cap.

Time as usual continually went by
Each shred of hair she started to dry
Right before she had heard nature calling
Poems from out of her hair started falling.

Try and guess who this poem was written for
Of course, the one who we do truly adore
Who in the shower with poems has sparred
Then on keyboard typed up while trying hard.

All of her poems popular they had become
And after them they named a chewing gum
Chewed hard and almost ruptured her spleen
Now the new gum is called beachy keen.

Or was that peachy? Do you remember Beechnut
Chewing Gum and Bazooka Bubble Gum?

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn 
Retired Veteran


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Before You Read Anymore

Before You Read Anymore

(I mean any more or just give 
up and don't read any at all.)

Before of my poems read any(more)
Have you laughed at yourself before
And I have heard since their inception
Greatly improved people's poetry perception.

Why follow rules which are a mere formality?
When your life in my poems becomes a reality
Fresh, new, crisp and always well laid-back
Any moron could read as a matter of fact.

As your poems become entwined with mine
Everything will work out and end up fine
So instead of time consuming and well-planned
Are plain and simple so you can understand.

How does that grab you? Is that an insult
or a compliment? Tune in for next poem.
A little dab will do you and you will be 
glad you did.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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On twitting

All humans who twit
set up for a wit.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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A Fool and Miniscule

A Fool and Miniscule

There was some fool who had little school
With mind and brain which were miniscule
Who often reminded me of a rendition
Of what was supposed to be a Southern tradition.

Now this guy I have heard is totally dumb
Can't tell difference between finger and his thumb
And on his pinky tries to put a thimble on
Much attention with ignorance he has drawn.

His poor appearance and behavior need control
Unsatisfactory seems to now be his new goal
Of someone else's diploma he even made a copy
And when he did it turned out to be sloppy.

So someone like that would you want to be?
Delinquent and detriment to the community
Who even has ivy which is all full of poison
And has been using it as shaving lotion.

Now his foolish face really has quite a rash
While driving was discovered in a big crash
With his life could never find any other way
Is in heaven now after being declared DOA.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Sun's Brilliance

Sun's Brilliance

Have been awakened by bright sun's brilliance
And morning is here again in every essence
So I should stop lying here in bed
Gladly go ahead and get up instead.

Not only that my many poems must type 
Instead of continuing to complain and gripe
But a much better way all things could be
Is if someone else would type them up for me.

Why should I really away have to slave
Will take my each great poem to the grave
Or in addition often at times have debated
With me you could have them incinerated.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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My Dream Was About

You should hear all of the night life noise

Can't tell the girls from any of the boys

And you know what bothers me the most

They all think that they are a perfect host.



Why with all that terrible noise and chatter

Won't be springing to see what's the matter

As for myself, I'm going back to bed again

And put both of my magnificent earplugs in.



Solution to me sure was short and sweet

Again when all the noise and I may meet

My earplugs will quickly tune them out

So I can hear what my dream was about.



James Thomas Horn

Retired Veteran


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Amicable Versus Dispicable

Part of my personality is always amicable
Problems to ponder over are despicable
Unless they are handled in right way
And then you never will be led astray

Each proven path is always correct
And wrong person are likely to elect
What once was a whole lot of wreath
Will be calmed down with a warm bath

At first, it started out being sensible
Which later turned to be apprehensible
Why just sit there continuing to pout?
When what you did was down with deep doubt

They say some often grunt and groan
While singing utilizing a microphone
If your mouth is full of clam chowder
It is impossible to sing a lot louder

James Thomas Horn


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The rest

Usually the best 
is among the rest.

Volodymyr Knyr 
2014


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Part II of Holiday Poem

On elegant earth, Christmas and Thanksgiving
Are perfect, pleasant days for us to be living
And of our Christian faith are a true confession
Regardless, of all of the current aggression. 

Why be full of foolishness and pulling pranks
When we should be giving God our thanks
For our great, loving world we all live in
And His Son who saved us from so much sin.

Oh come on now and I mean really no way
What we have to say is "Have a Happy Holiday,"
And of all, these have become lesser and fewer,
To me, this makes for many piles of manure.

Arguably, Congress has started a new session
While the population is in a state of depression;
Being all of the members have become a bore
Second coming, we should be searching for. 

Congress always has answers for everything,
But hay wait a minute.... "The Second Coming."

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Contest Entry

Contest Entry

To this, wonder what you will have to say
Here is my great Horn idea for the day (today)
So you should get right with it and try to fit
Poem into appropriate contest and don't quit.

Also, something else I do want to mention
This is to reward you with my permission
To enter one of my poems into a contest
You think applies and will be the best.

James Thomas Horn
Name: jthorn5656
Password: soldierboy
Email: jthorn5656@gmail.com


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On how to slacken men's pace

A lady slackens men's pace 
by only a pretty face.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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How About the Ending

The last of my trilogy of three for the day.
Are you ready to grin and bare so you can 
see the brunt?

How About the Ending

Could it be that you are part of a certain crowd
For crying out loud heads have been in a cloud
And never, ever sure which way to finally go
Or in fact how really fast or if should be slow.

Until now, never knew what one premise is
Or when someone's life needed a new nemesis
Perhaps people periodically looking for a plethora
Of words left behind either in Pandora or Andorra.

Have you forgotten what was seven and four score
What a civil war was and soldiers were fighting for;
Many maneuvers and thoughts had been tried
And true and for you some poems I have supplied.

All of my profound poems are finished, over and done
Now how would you like to be the sane orderly one
Who somehow by an unknown crook who had a hook
Have all of them turned into one hell of a terrific book.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn


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Without Any Delay

Without Any Delay

To write poems am always ambitious
They are like food which is nutritious
Put words together and start to cook
Until they expand and become a book.

Favorite poet of people have started being
Much more in myself am now believing
By my poems, you are nourished and fed;
Never will I ever let it go to my head.

Could my poems become a cliff hanger
Or have been known to be a head banger
My poetry writing will continue to persist
And you will find them hard to resist.

What subject in each poem do you prefer?
So what if you never knew for sure
Love your poems want to hear people say
Go out and buy them without any delay.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Having A Hollowcaust

Having A Hollowcaust

Just thought of this after I saw your category of Holocaust. 

With my wife, we were having a hollowcaust
And as I am sure you know, I again lost;
Which superfluous show should we watch today?
She always ends up getting her way.

So according to well-prepared latest scoop
Here I am stuck on profound Poetry Soup
Which to me is most marvelous and great;
It can sedate, satiate and lastly sublimate.

As usual, it is the surrogate same story;
I am having a hard time finding a category;
Maybe all of the times, I am greatly behind;
How about a category called, "Blow Your Mind?"

Which is what my poems seem to do if you 
are one of the far and in between few. So far,
so confusing. Right?


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Ouzatt

OWSZAT

The match was slow and boring
The runs were far between,
And an air of dreamy somnolence
Hung o’er the village green.
Then out from the pavilion
A handsome figure ran.
The crowd sat up, paid notice,
A loud applause began.
The stranger sprinted round the pitch
Disrupting all the match,
The fielder halted in his stride
And dropped an easy catch.
The umpire tried to intervene
His finger raised in protest,
The streaker slipped beneath his guard,
It really was no contest.
The team stood up and egged him on
And cheered as he gained speed,
It was a very daring act
They one and all agreed.
But when his little dangly bits
Removed the Home Team’s wicket,
A cry went roaring round the ground
“Egad Sir – that’s not cricket!”


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Steal A Kiss Sounds Ludicrious

Steal A Kiss Sounds Ludicrous 

Maybe exact point pretended to miss
But from a widow lady, steal a kiss
I even heard it was early one morning
And it was done without warning.

Neighborhood is up in arms complaining
And would do a thing with no training
A hold of himself he had to get
Must go to court and have to admit.

Was on front page and magazine cover
How he looked like being a lost lover
It was discovered that he had dementia
And court released him in abstentia. 


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Wise Old Owl

Wise Old Owl

Once knew someone who was a wise old owl,
Who on Wheel of Fortune had bought a vowel
And even though seemed like a nitwitted nerd
He did end up putting together each word.

Some letters are missing and were in his mind
And all of his thoughts ended up combined.
No longer would have to play around or mess
So naturally went ahead and took his best guess.

Of course, all of this was perfectly plane to see
And what his answer would end up to be;
Response was correct but after hearing chime,
And, guess what? He ran out of all of his time.

After we had sent out final report called feeder 
They said change show name to Follow the Leader,
And after all of his time up had been spent,
He apparently became our audacious President.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran
PS. Everyone, email this to Wheel of Fortune for me.


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Wet My Entire Pants

Wet My Entire Pants



If into your back I sank my claws

Do you think you could give to the cause

After both of my claws were released

Would your dead body be properly policed.



If some body must love another body sometime

Where and when in am I supposed to chime 

And after long look I must be admitting

None of your poor clothes are properly fitting.



After finding myself out on a long limb

Should we do the shimmy, boogaloo or swim

Or trying to do some other song and dance

After we did a duet wet my entire pants.


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KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY  



Three  pigs and mummy pigette so pretty
There was peace in pork city -
It was all fine until she re-married some grunter
Some boar from the village, a hunter,
Drunken  tough guy with one tusk,
Lurching about from dawn to dusk:
The kids suddenly became step  piglets,
No longer mum’s  wee starlets,
And all of a sudden the trough
For everybody wasn’t big enough.
And it was pigball on tv  Saturday afternoons
Instead of the  other channel’s pigtoons; 
No washing in the mudpond your piggy face
His huge hams took up all the space;
The kids were soon achin’
To turn him into bacon;
They didn’t want to endure him in their cottage -
Simply to cure him into sausage,
To  see a  shining  fork 
Filled with step-dad pork.
So they asked  a  wolf so big and bad
To  come one day and eat the step-dad.
But the pigs would soon regret this move
As the huff-and-puff episode would clearly prove:
Wolfie now had a taste for pigmeat, 
And considered it a special meal treat.
So unless you have no alternatives
Never ask a wolf to eat your relatives.



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An Introduction to a Pathetic Poet

Number of my poems is becoming astronomical
Of my many poems either serious and/or comical
And every time that I start to pretend
Seems like I always end up at a dead end.

Will continue later. Wife wants me to make her some coughfy
I mean coffee.


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Poe Would Go

Poe Would Go

Always wondered where Poet Poe would go
So he could see all of his popularity grow
Had heard one day while he was behaving
He met a raven seeking a safe haven.

After looking all around again and again
Both of them had eventually fallen in
A trance and a new poem tried to write
But outside it became black as night.

Raven was camouflaged not to be seen
Next one he saw, he painted it green
For something about it did seem so sorry
Both raven's eyes forgot to make starry.

Every time when one eye starts to blink 
The other one ends up trying to wink
Which made his face look rather odd
Now call him winking, blinking and nod.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran


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Big Brain

Big Brain

With his big brain, he must be brilliant
And his mind and memory so resilient
They also say that his total recall
Among and with greatest, it would fall.

His poems could fill and complete any bill
And has high verbal and mathematical skill
With Computer analysis and communications
Providing enough money for many vacations.

Poem of day an accomplishment was quite;
With resume like that anyone should invite
Him as next great Poet Lauriat to speak
And great as he is come back once a week.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran 

In response to a poetry writer with a long
resume who just received poem of the day.


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Always Abstain

Always Abstain



Are you a down-hearted poet with no spirit?

Tell Poetry Soup so all they can hear it

What I like about them and is so neat

To no one else will they ever repeat.



Center of attention is position you maintain

On a clear day or possibly out in the rain

Makes no difference what poems you prefer

With Poetry Soup, lifetime they will endure.



Have not found any calories in food for thought

And even though I might be bragging a lot

Hope you understand this pure and plain

From criticism, Poetry Soup will always abstain.



James Thomas Horn

Retired Soldier


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Be Sure to Buy Roundtrip Ticket

Be Sure to Buy Roundtrip Ticket 
(Just in case.)

In America, we are always so spoiled
Like lavish living and nothing soiled
Never need to handle anything with care
There is always good old wash and ware.

When you want to know how things grow
For everything is an elegant TV show
If things stop working or won't connect
On line, right person you can select.

Computer even came with a cookbook
Which is where my wife seems to look;
To make sure she doesn't miss a stage
Goes ahead and prints out one more page.

Cute English people are clustered together
And why with all of that lousy weather
I too would surely start raising a fuss
To good old USA, should come along with us.

Of course, I know from their perception
For every rule their is at least one exception
In USA, people protested and started to picket
Aren't you glad you bought a round trip ticket.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran

One more to go before I call it quits for a while.


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A Dash and Splash of Nash

A Dash and Splash of Nash

While through ocean some smooth whale sails
Can people count all of the protruding scales
When whale so wisely went swimming by;
Have you ever seen one when ha was dry?

God granted a whale with a big, long tail
So swimming is be easy and never did fail
To find his way wherever he eventually goes;
If he's not a she should not say there she blows.

What if things were to require a confession
To God so He can answer our every question
And what if whale landed in my clean room
Would this make my mother fuss and fume.

James Truly Hilarious Thesarious Horn
Retired Veteran
A dash and small splash of Nash or why 
does a hit have to many things smash?


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New Trend Called Blend In

New Trend Called Blend In

What we will need is a nice, new trend
Called boys and girls lets all blend in
Requires and smiles in your sweet appearance
With stick to it attitude and mush adherence.

Go ahead and do it and stop procrasting 
Love wife with one that is everlasting
And when painting picture try not to taint
Yet still act like saint even though you ain't.

When pedaling sometimes try doing it soft
Or will end up itching after laying in a loft
And no matter whether standing or sittin'
By a big mosquito, you still can be bitten.

To live in life, each one of these is a rule
If around, you always like to try and fool
By writing poems join Soup in your endeavor
And come up with one that is cute and clever.


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Again is Rising

Again is Rising

Sun in early morning again is rising
And some things in life are surprising
Like humming bird dropping by for a drink
About this poem I will continue to think.

Beautiful flower baskets are all aglow
Shining and gleaming from head to toe
Beauty's in each poets poem that is true
What makes baskets look great is morning dew.

Sun's still rising becoming brighter and brighter
As temptation off I have become a poor fighter
Going out in yard to put in more flowers and plants
And heaven forbid found more horrible fire ants.

James Thomas Horn 
Retired Veteran


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Entire World Order

Entire World Order

Did you end ever up is a state of shock?
Finding out you were part of a laughing stock
With something else we were all agreed
Takes a lot of horses start a stampede.

If with erroneous information are infested
It was difficult and so hard to be digested
And will a glorious moment require a crown?
Or watch out stomach when hatch its down.

Really hate to cut perfect poem so short
Maybe someday soon will get much support
For my family with a good looking daughter
Who is messing up entire world order.

Would you believe her first name happens to be
Hillary who is part of a political menagerie?

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Too Stunned

Too Stunned

In the twilight, we had been too stunned
And down someone had been gunned
By Poetry Soup who had the croup
After out sailing on John B's Sloop.

As the crowd out all started thinning
Knew this would become the beginning
Of madness made to move a big crowd
Over the edge for being too endowed.

So if the performance had been a repeat
Who would be willing to take the heat
With all of my poetry being so traumatic
Who would really want to raise a lot of static?

James Thomas Horn
Retired Vet and Favorite Pet


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Party Pooper Super Doper Poetry Souper

Super Doper Party Pooper Poetry Souper

After much swear and many a big bead
All of my effort that I once did need
Has been completed and utilized
With my results many were surprised.

Eyes and smile were wide as I started out
Wondering what it would be all about
When a great big wind started to blow
Saying God had heard me here below.

My glory and temptation soon would fade
After having escaped on an escapade
And for land sake next thing I knew
Was some great poet similar to you.

Now wherever I have been or ever will go
God holds me high and keeps my poems in toe
Then prayed that I never be a party popper
And became a super doper poetry souper.

WOW and double WOW with a few more
thrown in for good measure.


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Mickey Rooney or George Clooney

Mickey Rooney or George Clooney

In movies, there is always a grim them;
What women like looking at is a trim him;
You know, the darling, handsome one
Who thinks that he is a Don Juan.

Now really, very showy is what you are
And a raising star which is the best by far;
Also, could be things that are God-forsaken
Like when husband away my TV was taken.

So did you read the message loud and clear?
Hope you didn't find any frustration or fear;
As for the likes of loony George Cahoonie
I myself would rather watch Mickey Rooney.

Things are more roomy with Mickey Rooney,
But all women love body of George Cahoonie. 

PS. Wow. My Poem of the Day was
really terrific on August 16, wasn't it? 


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Remain Uncommitted

Remain Uncommitted

In England, they have a handsome him and her
Who both together could be called a commoner
And to live in a place that has great health
Do you really have to live in a commonwealth?

Then the have a hospitable House of Lords
Which has been made from boards and boards
Those who have possession of college degrees
Become members of the House of Burgesses.

Of Lords and Burgesses who will be the best
Some say by God both have been equally blessed
And strategy that allegedly became a tragedy
Was caused and created by His or Her Majesty.

And then my heavens and forever great Scott
In land where playing bagpipes has been taught
Heard many more say just the other day
From Great Britain, they want to break away.

If practices are common which one should they use?
Or some plan appearing to be as a perfect excuse
When pieces of puzzle are not properly fitted
Do they mean you must remain uncommitted?

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Vulnerable Veteran  


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Attention Can Pay

Attention Can Pay

How ironic, intelligence is intellectual
Being stupid politician becomes ineffectual
Even thought from received a refusal
Want my beacon and eggs cooked as usual.

Make sure none ever will be spoiled
Or politician who had become hard-boiled
My poem is short, not tall like a skyscraper
So you can print it neatly in your newspaper.

My poems may to some droop or have a bloop
To your level of intelligence will gladly stoop
And if you never were to have any gall anyway
To many of my poems, more attention should pay.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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On what is good for a tic

Any thoroughly sharpened stick
helps for someone's eyes nervous tic.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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P's are ImPortant

"P's" are ImPortant

Have they been Putting on their bifocal
When great People want to get very vocal
And for all of them to be well-understood
Should speak carefully if they only would.

For many, may find a Perfect plan
On bad behavior Please Place a ban
Whether either in Past, future or recent
Remove all exPosure which is indecent.

So Probably maybe each and every TV show
In Popularity will start and grow and grow
The letter "P" Presumably is imPortant
Or would have a hard time being omniPotent.



PS. God wants People to say all of their Prayers

Which should and must be done in many layers

So you can be saved and then to heaven go

Or else the way will be awfully, Pretty slow.


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Final Fate

Final Fate

Exercise formally forecasted final fate
Which was to increase her heart rate
Determine what is a possible excuse
For weight trying and starting to lose.

Part was dance while other exercise
But kept creating excuses and alibis
Weight loss is something I really hate
Until tomorrow or next day she will wait.

Putting was programmed into her brain
While on body weight still will remain
So she started changing subject as of late
Over to my posture which wasn't so great.

Sound familiar? How come all of us husbands
become victims of marital stress scapegoat
syndrome anyway?


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No Need

No Need



If I were to write something cute and clever

Any awards will receive, no not ever,

So what I appreciate and look toward

Is giving myself my own award.



Mine are always far better than yours

Mine are medicine making many cures

So next time when one of mine you read,

To give me an award there ain't no need.


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How Loud Can a Curtain Call

How Loud Can a Curtain Call

Why do some people prefer to discourage
When what they should do is encourage
Others to write poems and subjects to choose.
Like one which was about a perfect excuse.

I wrote a poem and became the laughing stock
After everyone ended up in a state of shock
Either it was in Oregon or perhaps Washington
Where the actual emphatic story had begun.

We here are called an incredible West coaster
Left behind on east one each bragger and boaster
While we feast on fashion here in the West
And antics are known for pulling the best.

Everyone on West Coast seems to panic
When we will end up doing a frantic antic
And after we see your faces all aglow
We turn it into a great, terrific TV show.

This is our dream always expressed precisely
For part in play we had done so nicely
There is only one way out and an escape
Jump under before they pull curtain and drape.

How about: It was certainly curtains for your show.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Chastushkas

Chastushkas

I would love to write a poem as hilarious as could be.
But it seems like funny poems will not come out of me.
So I practice my Chastushkas in hopes I will succeed.
A better sense of humor must be what I need.
I wish that I could buy one, but they are not in the store.
I have searched dictionaries and thesauruses galore.
I have looked along the freeway and down the country roads
But the funny inspirations seem to hop away like toads.
There are so many writers that have a humorous touch.
And I wish I had it, too… very much.
I guess I must remember to write down the funny things I see around.
Like the time I saw kids rolling, laughing wildly on the ground.
But until then, I’ll use my pen to hone my funny bone.
Writing those Chastushkas until I do not laugh alone…


 © Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
January 19, 2010

Poetic form:  Couplets


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Other Side of the Moon

Other Side of the Moon



There was a wasp who had become a slob

Ended up being dumber than a door knob

And I hate to really sound so sarcastic

Tried finding food from flowers which were plastic.



I found this to be highly entertaining

Which to plastic all of this was pertaining

Wasp left after he had to look and look

And on an airplane a trip he tried to book.



Some air tactics are not necessarily fair;

They found one recently which was called scare

Which wasps always will use on us everyday

And end result is it scares everyone away.



Was it a wobbly wasp which by would wisp?

Who later turned into a lunar ellipse or eclipse

And can you imagine a wasp who built a cocoon

Which ended up being on other side of the moon. (Brrr!!!) 


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My Shortest One Yet

Am really having a good show about re-hashing

How to come up with pure delight and compassion

Which in shower I had stumbled upon one day

Saw her body standing there and said no way.

Wow!!! Would you look at all those wrinkles



Written by an old folk, no joke.


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Either Heaven or Paradise

Is heaven same place they call paradise?
Whatever you want always will suffice
While angels fly around and soon scatter
Saw me raising hell releasing my bladder.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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About Wales and Whales Tails are Told

About Wales and Whales Tales Are Told

Heard that people in Wales are Cardifferious
And can write poems which may be carnivorous;
Water closet is bathroom maybe with a urinal
American poetry writing is often done nocturnal.

Early morning poetry person happen to be
And whales from coast of Wales could you see
By light of a drastic, lovely morning dawn
So where have the whales from Wales all gone?

On which side of a Welch will whales become a thorn
Leave and go to America so they can be re-born
And Christians wonder about and it never fails
Can whales cross themselves like they do in Wales.

If you were to go in water to have great whaling
And happen to be in Wales where they are hailing
A cruise ship sailing back to good old USA,
From Wales were did whales go and which way?

Plot has been caste in a bunch of stones;
Of course, name was none other than Tom Jones
Who with singing ability tipped all the scales
And eventually would return back to Wales. 
(Die he ever really leave?)

People from Wales their stores still relish
Which is why some people call them Welchish
And when it only is God in heaven who knows  
That's when they all start saying, "There she blows."

Started shuffling and stories came out of the cards
Saying those leaving Wales are a bunch of blowhards
And coal miners who are still live in Wales
Is impression which around me often trails.

So what do all of you Welch and Cardifferians
have to say for yourself and write a poem about?
Don't you just enjoy and become enthralled by
my poems? Jim Horn


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To Match Other Superbowl Poem

To Match Other Superbowl Poem

Now it has become a bird which squawks
Going by name of Seattle Seahawks
Of not only of the whole North West
But also rest of country is the best.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Luxury Liner and Love Locket

Liked her love letter which I wore in a locket
And luxury liner even when they did dock it
Dream going again, I could never quit
Which to gorgeous wife must always admit.

So again on grand voyage we will go
On fabulous island beach party throw
And after that next thing you know
Another genuine desire again did grow.

By now we both have become old and gray
And there is one last thing I have to say
On another vibrant vacation will go one day
While overgrown stomachs still get in the way.

www.poetrysoup.com Name: jthorn5656


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Entry for Destiny and Path

What if I were to describe
How much it takes to keep me alive
So I can more easily survive
And in case I have to revive
Myself, I won't take a nose dive
While my path appears to be five
And two for destiny which I did contrive.

DOB: June 26, 1941
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn


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Gotten the Blame

Gotten the Blame

To be married was a bright bride and groom
Whose service would surely seal their doom
After some beautiful flowers would bloom
Right in a cemetery in front of a tomb.

They had many great times in the past
And always wanted their love long to last
But now flag was found flying at half-mast
Their lives yesterday would be the last.

Up high in heaven angels started to sing
While all there were enjoying everything
Yet, something they had forgotten to bring
A small single piece of a short string.

Was one she so sweetly wore around her neck
And after she did die in such a terrific wreck
After drinking satisfying beer made by Beck
While I wondered how hard a hen could peck.

We know when you give up will lose the game
And what to me happened was exactly the same
We had left behind all of our fortune and fame
Sure enough it was I who had gotten the blame.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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This Vert Instant

This Very Instant 



In my life each moment is its very instant

While birds and nature are being persistent

All chirping and singing with frog sounds

Here I am now and how my heart pounds.



This the time that to me does fascinate

Very instant for which I can hardly wait

Each end every moment for it am longing

America is best place to be belonging.



Maybe I finally might be on the mend

Or forgot and am trying to find a loose end

With much energy will continue to endeavor

Writing more poems which are cute and clever.


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Eat Each Crumb

What will surely wash my sins all away?
Was it when Jesus died and which way?
Thorns on his head causing blood to shed,
And how many times Bible have often read.

How about wife and I when we would marry?
Bright eyed new born baby around she did carry;
All those Sundays that I had worshiped my Lord;
Times I rooted for my kid and team never scored.

It must have been when my wife and me
Asked God for sins to be removed and set free
And our faith in Him who we finally had found;
Songs wife sang in church and enjoyed each sound.

No wonder how happy we all have become;
Drank from cup of wine after eating each crumb;
When writing this poem, goose pimples I get;
God sent me many poems and won't have to fret.

God, You are incredible for this poem giving me;
Not only that, free without having charged a fee
When I write it will do like someone reassured
By having heard the Lord and His each word.

Wrote this right before Priest gave sermon about
even the dogs appreciate the crumbs from the
Lord's table who if you are able are supposed to
keep your elbows off of.


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Beyond All Recognition

Someone said it is prudent to advertise
But my poems are well-worn in disguise
And to everyone are beyond all recognition
With abounding ignorance full of repetition.

Can confusion really become quite thorough
And if you are will your head try to burrow
Afraid to read the poems which I may write;
Lets drink one more drink so we can get tight.

Of grandeur have you ever had a delusion?
And in others lives have become an intrusion
So what if all of my poems, God forbid
In some horrible place I have just hid.

Oh, and you have missed a category;
"Out of Sight," which is what my many poems are.

Jim Horn


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Loud-Mouthed and Ludicrous

Loud-Mouthed and Ludicrous

On my behalf this poem have been writing
Hoping it will be something so exciting
That by the time it is finally read
You will have forgotten what I just said.

Now can no longer remember anything
And often it seemed as if I was being
Beyond belief and totally astounding
And heart very hard has been pounding.

Overjoyed yourself were about to find
And also preferred having peace of mind
Miraculous birthday poem might write like this
While people think I am loud and ludicrous.

Even ended poem with your name.
How about that? Jim Horn 


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Devon or Derby

Devon or Derby


There is something firm about nobility

You will hardly ever find any mobility

Unless they have a change of heart

It is still unto death when we do part.


All of their honor is highly displayed

Do anything against it would be afraid

They all appear to be mighty fine fed

Look at those people with a big head.


Is a crown required to have much glory

Or is it just a part of the same old story

Forget about having my fortune and fame

And also always hallowed be my name.


Who else has a name rhyming with heaven?

Unless you live in some shire called Devon

But at all wouldn't really disturb them or me

Everyone there are all actually from Derby.


Put on slick shoes and tighten long laces

And lets all of us head off for the races

If you can't find any roses heard someone say

You can play ring around great island anyway.


Great Britain, that is and humorous
of course for subject. 

James Thomas Horn
Retired not Retried Veteran


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Juli and Netti Poem


Juli and Netti Poem

With reading poems have become entranced
After reading yours my life has been enhanced
There is much movement and more emotion
And with them create much love and devotion.

Your great poems could read on and on
Causing me on each one to dream upon;
God my benevolent guiding star has been
Thanks for saving me from all that sin.

Forever, believe in Me and My Son
And when each day is over and done
Now that to Us you are committed
Being bad to teacher is strictly probated.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran



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Daily Dearly Departed

Dearly Daily Departed

Would you rather be tied to a big tree
Or found up in the air floating free
Have heard a new hobby they just started
Which is daily writing poems for the dearly departed.


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My Poetic Alphabetic

My Poetic Alphabet (That even rhymes.)



A is for apple that I ate at lunch



B is for baseball I want to hit over fence a bunch



C is for cheery which can be and always am



D is for delightful in way I say Yes and No Ma'am



E is for effort I effectively give out a lot



F is for the food you find in my thought



G is for gregarious and is that really me



H is for Horn and High society



I is for idiosyncrasies that in my poems should be



J is for James a fisherman who went out to sea



K is for Kismet which I never did see



L is Lea my mother-in-law more often should see



M if is for the many modest poems I will write



N is for when I am finished and say good night



O is for orderly which never was my way



P is for poems I write and play I do everyday



R is for romance which my poems avoid



S is sometime when people sure are annoyed



T is for thermometer and also translation



U and V are my wife united in a vacation



W is for want, will wound and whatever



Z is for zipping through with all of my endeavor





So suppose your alphabet looked just like mine



Would you go in business making up a valentine,



Or guess what I even have one better yet



I am glad though PnP and Poetry Soup that we all have met.





Wow and humorous I hope.





James Thomas Horn

Retired Veteran



PS. So put this one on PnP somehow.


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You Have Been Excused

Have You Been with Ben Excused
(Quite A Guy.)

Suppose our personalities we were to transpose;
Would there be tingling throughout all our toes?
When we wanted to laugh learn another way
On our each word have to use a different play?

What if we needed to make a decision
Wondering about exchanging each religion
Different political parties were to inherit
Think our minds could be able to bare it?

What if new styles of poems are now more pleasing?
For writing them still never understood the reason
World of poetry's in state of shock and totally confused
So from thinking at all, they have been excused.

Have you ever felt like that before, now or hereafter?

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Meticulous and Ridiculous

Meticulous and Ridiculous

Writing many poems which may be meticulous 
All could be completely, utterly, literally ridiculous 
And if you have continued to look all around
You might find each one in the lost and found.

From the very first moment that I saw them
I knew they would be grotesque and grim
And out the window would find them thrown
Like some ugly features made out of silicone.

Maybe my writing might be a mishap
And in the face there once was a slap
Even after further and more consulting
My poems were found to be insulting.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Try Harder and Harder

Try Harder and Harder

Some say a lack of intelligence is impeding
How I write and ability to be reading,
Stopping proper flow and not sound euphoric
And my hearing has become hard and metaphoric.

Here I go again with fierce forced rhyming
And being a person in who is always chiming
Becoming a pain in the you know where
As we hit the dusty trail over here and there.

Often some pigs seem to start to squeal
On you and when words become colloquial 
Like I said before, may be a big pain
But my poems are funny and do entertain.

There's that horrible look on your face again;
So what if you're patience is wearing thin;
How about this for a fantastic starter:
"Will write better poems and try harder and harder."


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Become Unglued

Become Unglued

It is probably possible and presumably
What you found was best part of me
And many things people may often need
Like great poems of mine for them to read.

In back is part which they call cortical
Which will become old and quite historical
And with proper people should consult
You should stand up straight for best result.

Old age is such a deleterious dilemma
When enlarged may require a magnificent enema
And why is it when old people become unglued 
They end up finding themselves in a family feud.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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One for Ten

One for ten dollars is how much each one should cost to save on
mathematical problems. Here goes:

Either he or she who or either he or she who hasn't.
The who goes on front of Poetry Soup Fortune T Shirt 
and the hasn't goes on the back as a reminder. Now
at your convenience allow me to continue on
completely at your discretion and not defection
like when ISIS is involved.

He who never gets off of train heading for a long ride.
He who hasn't bought flowers twice heading for double trouble.
He who worships God a lot by many angels will be sought.
He who writes many poems always likes life longer a lot.
He who doesn't write poems life more likely is to be doomed.
He who each much food will end up with more consumed.
He who eats a lot must allow for a lot of room.
He who battles with own personal life will lose one which was hard fought.
He who studies and listens a lot more likely to end up well-taught.
He who doesn't study life's ins and outs will have one more likely to rot.
He who drinks having too many shots will probably will end up shot.
He who commits a crime hopefully will end up being caught.
He who is stuck on himself thinks that he is hot to trot.
He who drinks something good says it sure has hit the spot.
He who is unsure of himself doesn't know whether or not.
He who has just been born will hopefully end up being a little tot.
He who stands closest to fire is the first one who will get hot.
He who is a happy fisherman is the one who many fish has caught.
He who is a fisherman with much money just may have a yacht.
He who invests much money returns more may be a lot.
He who wants to be on best team gives it all he has got.
He who never studies at all his brain is big as a dot.
He who is born in Scotland most assuredly will be a Scot.
And, and, and he who has no scruples at all among others will never stand tall.
He who has come up high in the world has further down to fall.

So now you add something. How about it Poetry Soup. Have you
ever seen people standing in line to look at their email before?
Jim Horn

He who has beheaded someone more than likely is on the run
Or Subject is getting very hot.

He who each time has completed an action will have next one to accomplish.

He who finds front door to be shut should consider going in back one.

My new additions. How do you remove an entry that you have already made?
I need to remove my other copy of this same poem. jthorn5656@gmail.com


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Half Mast

With a weak bladder had taken a chance



Ended up wetting in my precious pants



When over the side something is passed



Would you possibly do it at half mast.



 



I sure could tell from the very start



Half-mast was performed by  bottom part



Sometimes may think you are a clown



And end up doing it all upside down.



 



Then on ship decided to have a mast



To see how many over side had passed



Certainly never a onesy but only a twosy



Because if a twosy it would be a dozy.


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Difficult Dilemna

When you do have a difficult dilemma,
Will you need to have a naughty enema,
Or after day became old and was done,
Went out and had whole hell of a lot of fun.


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Out There Some Where

Out There Some Where

Have great next door neighbor that is true
Who brings up bright ideas out of the blue
Which seem astounding and entertaining
Even when wind blows or it may be raining.

He truly thinks that neither nor and either or
Are enough to really make some people snore
When a woman happens to be hot to trottish
Must be either English, Irish, or maybe Scottish.

My cute wife is a combination of all three
And forever will have to put up with me
Thinks I am a Frost or a Poe in the making
Bestowed by God in each breath I'm taking.

This morning was wonderful to hear a whippoorwill
Who was actually wondering if I had paid my bill
Regarding my hearing nature and its every sound
For each second and minute it made my heart pound.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Use Charge Card

Use Credit Card

Seems like I lose every time that I bet
And have one for you far better yet
My wife looks at me as if I was a lush
Is disturbed when teeth don't brush.

More mail again we just did receive
Will go out and get it so I can retrieve
But if I were to wager a wild bet
A bill I am sure we will probably get.

Just heard my wife again harking
Many ships will soon be embarking
What would you think if I should say
Must use credit card so for it can pay.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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My Last Shorty of the Day

My Last Shorty of the Day

Which you should delight in

I hope so here goes:



Now how was I supposed to make my eyes twinkle

Every time I would try to count each and ever wrinkle

Which on her whole body had been solemnly exhibited

And to think I could not touch and was strictly prohibited.


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Dental Dream

Dental Dream

After death, to whom will I want to bequeath
Each and everyone of my beautiful teeth
And after I just have completed a phone in
Someone said to store them in the Smithsonian.

Had another great idea when I got out of bed
How about showing in dentist office instead
While they will be all shiny and glimmery 
And can thank me for having the memory.

Constantly considered and then contemplated
With all of me want them to be incinerated
And every time when you have a dental dream
An alligator was wearing mine floating downstream.

Do they actually have thorns in a dental crown,
And when you scream they have surround sound
For more words looked like I was at a complete loss
When my dentist was angry and became cross.

So if I were to smile while sticking out my tongue
Would I have to be one of those who are among
Some of the dastardly dental chosen few
Who now have teeth which look brand new.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Equal Time

Equal Time



Wonder again when nature will call

When will God say, "Though shalt re-install,"

Hope my computer hasn't been hexed

Is causing me to become quite perplexed.



Over and over procedure continues on

Even star which I once wished upon

No longer shines on me anymore;

What should I do to even the score?



When I said my prayer I put in my hand

Which is an idea I thought was grand

No every time I will cross my palms

I start hearing my prayers singing psalms.



So some money together decided to scrape

And have now recorded everything on tape

My wife would never leave me alone

She was all day long on her cell phone.



What this world is coming to I don't know

In the towel thought that I'd try to throw

Start searching for something more sublime

Like me on a cell phone with equal time.



James Thomas Horn

Retired Veteran


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Enigma and Stigma

Enigma and Stigma

Could your cat really be quite cantankerous?
Or declared a sourpuss which was unanimous;
For what, heaven knows, has a disposition
Designed for my destitute aged condition.

For cat, I personally have a premonition
God gave him to be used as an exemption
And part of recovery effort which is relentless
At all, his meows never made much sense.

Now that cat's perturbing purr is perfected
It was he who I had singly, solely selected
Of all crazy cats to be an enormous enigma
With no strings attached or even one stigma.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn

Fan of Ogden Nash, Robert Frost and Will Rogers
And now feel like I am one of the old codgers. 


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Enter High Society

Enter High Society

Have you ever laid down laughing before?
Now wait a minute, there is much, much more;
So you were too stunned to make a comment
About the weird poem I will have just had sent.

Personally, don't consider my poems to be political,
But consider them to have become quite wittical;
As through my poems you may read many pages;
How often is it that your musty mind engages?

Have you ever actually heard the serious sound
Of silence, death, shadows, right and/or round
And what we have found after a further probe
Silence is still golden even if only a globe.

So as frivalent fools and flies start to fester
Maybe what you may need is a trauma tester;
Try to pass test with relevance to sobriety
And then maybe you too can enter high society.


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Poems in Popularity

Poems in Popularity

As my poems in popularity continue to gain
One day over all others soon will start to rein
People out of homes to buy them shall storm
And mighty, major monopoly begins to form.

You will be faithful customers tried and true
And much about my poems always make do
In erogenous effort to form an endless supply
Of poems to arouse you until day do die.

Not only that, nothing will ever be wrong
If to heaven all of them are brought along
So you can tell God how great my poems are
On earth, after them, have named a candy bar.

Honorable name will be none other than Hornisimo
Because all of them are now totally grandisimo 
Coming in many styles and different shapes
And for a meal have become known as crepes.

My fine poems are now much food for thought
And if by a pleasant surprise have been caught
When erogenous brain starts to elegantly engage
By blinking both eyes can turn book's each page.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Muslim and Hindu

Muslim and Hindu

Must you understand and read a certain menu
To know difference between Muslim and Hindu
And are all of their knees always knobby
Preferred poetry and wanted it as a hobby.

In first place, how was I found anyway
You were never lost or ever led astray
And your direction appears to be right one
So should enjoy yourself and have much fun.

About many things though I can be curious
But about what is it though you are so serious
And also if traps often have been caught
All of this poem was a horrible, passing thought.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Around World and Back

Around World and Back

On face, still can see the obvious scar
From being a person who is so bazaar
Other than that, no bodily harm was done
Never lost control or around was spun.

Is often difficult to face certain things
And all the pain and suffering it brings
After a final analysis they have found
Me on the ground both safe and sound.

Looked into future and started to see
That if it hadn't been for you and me
They must make another confession
You can become confused by an obsession.

It was being up in the air forever flying 
To see me out of curiosity people were dying
For me to come back wife kept on demanding
So I returned after having a safe landing.

Am a true veteran and can tell by bars I wear
Which forever at people seem to sit and stare
Funny as this may sound, I even had to pedal
Around world and back to receive each medal.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Make Much Mirth

Make Much Mirth

If God's name each day would always hallow
Then sins appearing in water when shallow
When in church are moved next to back door
Then will leave never to be seen anymore.

As disastrous days of my life increased
Each pretty day will talk with my talented priest
And ask him, "What if  you lived as long as I?"
Would God in heaven be wondering why?

With his education and each great skill
For God, he has a manly mission to fulfill
Which is provide music for us who sing
And keep reminding choir has an opening.

Dastardly choir is always dressed to kill
And at times seems to be singing so shrill
Their singing is asking and trying to say
We might have to meet God only halfway.

At the unforgiven idea, I started to flip
I am receiving a ticket which is roundtrip;
Why would they want me to remain on earth?
In heaven can be merry and make much mirth.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Rather Unique

Rather Unique

There are some things which I should seek
Some of them appear to be really rather unique
Like a pathetic poem which I once wrote
And when read people grabbed their throat.

All of their disbelief had been discovered
When from very bottom hey had uncovered
A poem which was so precise and pristine
It had recently been accepted by the Queen.

Poem was put in a book after being publicated
After seems like I had almost, nearly suffocated
Learned I had a new, great, growing, hernia
From seeing latest fashion and new nostalgia.

James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran


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Getting Cracking

Getting Cracking

There are times when I want a tutor
So I can use my most cruddy computer
Which to me is often always complicated
And for hours on end have forever hated.

Made plans poorly and not really well-laid
In for another computer, wish I could trade
That was beyond belief so simple and plain
And explicitly of sense never needed a grain.

What if for President I just had been selected
Do you think they ever would have detected
My love for complicated computers is lacking
And maybe I had better start getting cracking.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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One for Ten

One for ten dollars is how much each one should cost to save on
mathematical problems. Here goes:

Either he or she who or either he or she who hasn't.
The who goes on front of Poetry Soup Fortune T Shirt 
and the hasn't goes on the back as a reminder. Now
at your convenience allow me to continue on
completely at your discretion and not defection
like when ISIS is involved.

He who never gets of train heading for a long ride.
He who hasn't bought flowers twice heading for double trouble.
He who worships God a lot my many angels will be sought.
He who writes many poems always likes life longer a lot.
He who doesn't write poems life more likely is to be doomed.
He who each much food will end up with more consumed.
He who eats a lot must allow for a lot of room.
He who battles with own personal life will lose one which was hard fought.
He who studies and listens a lot more likely to end up well-taught.
He who doesn't study life's ins and outs will have one more likely to rot.
He who drinks having too many shots will probably will end up shot.
He who commits a crime hopefully will end up being caught.
He who is stuck on himself thinks that he is hot to trot.
He who drinks something good says it sure has hit the spot.
He who is unsure of himself doesn't know whether or not.
He who has just been born will hopefully end up being a little tot.
He who stands closest to fire is the first one who will get hot.
He who is a happy fisherman is the one who many fish has caught.
He who is a fisherman with much money just may have a yacht.
He who invests much money returns more may be a lot.
He who wants to be on best team gives it all he has got.
He who never studies at all his brain is big as a dot.
He who is born in Scotland most assuredly will be a Scot.
And, and, and he who has no scruples at all among others will never stand tall.
He who has come up high in the world has further down to fall.

So now you add something. How about it Poetry Soup. Have you
ever seen people standing in line to look at their email before?
Jim Horn


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Teeth Hit the Floor

Teeth Hit the Floor







So they say you're standing in the rain



With your big brain being driven insane



By something appearing to be rather odd;



To California, they moved old Cape Cod.







Then on me my dentist did a number



Now two front teeth look like a cucumber



And at the whole office everyone did give



To see if each other they both would outlive.







Odd things, irregularities and a beating pool



All together have produced many a fool



I'm still learning what dental floss is for



First time I used it, my teeth hit the floor.


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Eating Clams

Eating Clams

Should I go to my grave doing latest rave?
Or be a nice guy and myself do behave
And if writing poems is what it will be
They will be given to Poetry Soup for free.

Recently, returned to some of my old haunts
Which were made before the renaissance 
Period of time when everything was changing
Reformation occurred and minds were re-arranging.

I always would know from the very start
Even though we may be many miles apart
There would be something about my writing style
Challenging you and putting your mind on trial.

On other side of hill grass often was greener
And could find me with all of my great demeanor
A poem desperately trying to write each day
Will send you to see what you have to say.

If you were one who called me a so and so
And my poems on you never started to grow
How was I to know that much later in life
I still would be married to my beautiful wife.

Next door neighbors both had hardly waited
Then together our anniversary celebrated
Read my poem drinking beer out of a cup
They calmly listened but kept clamming up. 

Clams were of various sizes and steamed
while others were baked and cooked. Next
thing will be Clam Linguini. Wow!!!

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Lousy Lewis

Lousy Lewis



He has become so bad at his putting

That down the entire course they are shutting

And all the lousy Lewis strokes he took

Were enough to fill a whole entire book.



A person who was a parson had made par

And after with manager started to spar

Manager tried to apply physical force

Parson was playing on the wrong course.



After having hit his ball in the woods

Started packing up all of his goods

Far away far from golf course he strode

After he decided to hit the road.



PS. No wonder Lousy Lewis 

doesn't feel like having sex.




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A Lot Harder

A Lot Harder

It is always best when you brush each tooth
So you can smile while in a kissing booth
Or say splendid speech in front of a crowd
With all those great teeth you are endowed.

What I love to do is sit in dentist's chair
With his charm which is beyond compare
Who once had been my buddy and pal
Until he said I needed a route canal. 

Why do my personal teeth have a proclivity
To cautiously come in contact with a cavity
Or should I start becoming much smarter
By brushing my teeth one hell of a lot harder.

So what time is my appointment next Tuesday
and my name is not Ruby but mother's is. You
may want to call me Thirsty for Dental Attention
on Thursday if you want to. Jim Horn


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Compelling and Swelling

Compelling and Swelling

When you have something to do which is compelling
Will it always seem like your head is swelling
Like poem wanting to come out and be written down
Which sometime in life may become world renown.

To write poems as hard as I can will always try
But what you should do is significantly simplify
So I never, ever will create some scene
And make it easy to create icon on my screen.

Now a whole lot easier everything will be
And I will not feel trapped and finally free
Much easier your program I can utilize
More quickly than you would ever realize.

James Thomas Horn
www.poetrysoup.com


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Over Again

Over Again

To God, who would want to commit treason
And only their own self find to be pleasing;
Then while asleep have an incredible dream
Where you were blowing off a head of steam.

For great Sunday should put on some topping;
When you start eating it, there is no stopping;
Still our son's love we all so often will need;
What does he do to control kids when they stampede?

Of course, if Christ is a person my son does covet,
He should tell those not believing to go shove it
And whatever his thinking had previously been
Should pray to God and start all over again.

Love,
Dad


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Poems Are Outstanding

Poems Are Outstanding



With ability to write poems have been gifted;

Many people's spirits they have uplifted

Brought on humor and also peace and quiet

And never have heard anyone ever deny it.



Am a a lover or poems which are literary

Which to some may seem somewhat scary

Forming a poem by putting words together

That end up tickling you like a feather.



Out loud you laugh or just show a smile

And I have never had a period of denial

Some who may call this grand-standing

When I say my poems are outstanding.



James Thomas Horn

Retired Veteran


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Being A Bright Master

Being A Bright Master



Even though I may look old and sickly

Poems enter my mind so very quickly

End up on paper being written on

To Poetry Soup is where it has gone.



Has it been habit, sickness or a vision

Making me want to be on a mission

With my poems I try to enlighten

Nothing in them which would frighten.



A fine following I am starting to make

Want you to know none of this is fake

Instead of poems being a total disaster

Of poetry, hope to be a bright master.



James Thomas Horn

Retired Veteran


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Not Mine but Theirs

Not Mine but Theirs

I would like to start a poetry trend
But am not sure where it should end
With a challenge could we all compete
Even after hearing pattering of little feet.

If my poems were to become problematic
Should they always create much static
How can I use my poems for ammunition?
So they can compete in the competition.

Maybe I'm becoming obsessed and brilliant
And your responses to my poems are resilient
While I am writing my poems upstairs
Thought was not mine but had been theirs.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Chaucer and a Cup and Saucer

Chaucer and a Cup and Saucer

I just had been reading some Chaucer
When I picked up a cup from its saucer
Looked below and by chance saw Chaucer's name
Would this help me find much fortune and fame?

Now could it really be that Canterbury Tails
Have been hard to read when the light fails
And one was a tall tale about a parsonigin
Who was first to come up with name Carcinogen.

Chaucer's style was rather nonchalant
All of his handsomeness others would haunt
With clothes full of ruffles, buttons and bows
And what is else only haven now knows.

When Chaucer wrote, it was with a vengeance
Which in those days was only worth two pence
Later held his book and it around was swirling
Then later sold it for around two pound sterling.

Book was dirty so we washed it with a bath
And am not quite whether it was have or hath
Finally, after they reached a happy accord
Mine eyes saw glory coming from the Lord.

James Thomas Horn


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Stop Holes in Dykes

Stop Holes in Dykes 

Poem will jot down and quickly scribble
And at your imagination, it will nibble
As if a frantic fish searching for bait
Swimming then taking time to hesitate.

Finally fish would come to a complete stop
And into his mouth a tasty poem will pop
May be thought of as a trifle or eyeful
Of an experience proving to be delightful.

My poems do not mean much compared to yours
And if not in right mind people often bores
But after looking at you and all of your likes
Can use my poems to patch up holes in dykes.

Guess you could consider this as part of constructive
criticism with great wisdom of future poems to come.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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My Introductory Poem

My Introductory Poem

I will write my sweet poems by the score
Also in addition maybe many more
And don't exactly like to brag or boast
But which ones do you like the most?

Each poem seems fine and smoothly flowing
When you get one, on you start growing
As you absorb them in your mind while reading
Which one was best either last or succeeding?

Mix my poems up after throwing in big bag
Which will be many causing it sometimes to sag
Poem leaping out and landing on the floor
Will be the one you always love and adore.

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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Was Up Tight With A Shiite

Was Up Tight or With A Shiite

From day was born and one I will die
God is there to help and then satisfy;
Not only to have and hold your hand
But squeeze it so hard you can't stand.

For my poetry writing, God does prepare;
Frees my soul from sin and its snare;
No longer will I be trapped anymore,
Dust myself off and devil do deplore.

Free at long last and over and over again
God so graciously did for all of my sin;
Now many more precious poems can write
And was up tight with a Shiite and took flight.
Good night!!!

James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran


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A leek and leaking

He who eats his leek
does not let this leak.

Volodymyr Knyr
2014


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Weirdest Poem I Have Ever Heard

Weirdest Poem I Ever Heard

This will be weirdest poem I have ever heard
Each and every word is totally absurd
And am a poet who hardly has any cash
Preferred poets are Rogers, Frost and Nash.

Many points of my poems you may miss
Some already have fallen into an abyss
How much longer will I have to wait?
Until you write a poem and retaliate.

I always have know how great is God
Cold, hard cash will never need a wad
My poems like church choir are chipper
Especially if Baptist and a skinny dipper.

If you should start appearing to be sedate
Maybe more cute poems can contemplate
And all around you could be carousing
Try to read my poems that are arousing.

James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran

Now to cut and paste poem into www.poetrysoup.com
and www.story-telling -around-the-world.com