You say things that are really mean
I say that I'm still pretty lean
You say I'm fat and that's unfounded
I say I'm not fat, just well rounded
You say my big waist makes me look like a clown
I say that's not my waist, my chest fell down
You say I should be able to touch my toes with ease
I say you're right, if they were on my knees
You say my socks don't match, I should be more discreet
I say it's not my fault, I can't see my feet
You say I'm too heavy for my height, that's what you state
I say you're wrong, I'm just too short for my weight
You say I should weigh one eighty, no more
I say I'm five ten, I should be six four
You say next Halloween I should dress up as a mouse
I say I'll wear a window and go there as a house
You say I should get more exercise and try to shed a pound
I say that when I sit around, I really sit around
You say at the theatre you were embarrassed and didn't know what to do
I say it was because you sat in seat number three while I sat in one and two
You say I thought you were watching your weight
I say I am, I'm watching it inflate
You say being with me doesn't seem the same anymore
I say I'm still the same, just a whole lot more
You say you'd call if I were thinner
I say just don't call me late for dinner
You say we should work out at the gym down the street
I say we should get up and go out to eat.
Please note! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
I bought all the candy for Halloween night,
Into the cupboard, it sat in plain sight
When later I looked, I just about flipped!
I saw empty wrappings, the bags were all ripped!
The treats were all missing,...so back to the store
I bought several bags, at least three or four.
Now back in my kitchen, I climbed on a chair
To hide them up high on a shelf that was bare...
Behind an old crock pot that he'd never use...
But would you believe, he discovered my ruse?!!!
The big night arrived and much to my grief
The candy had been eaten by that darn sweet toothed thief!!!!
The door bell was ringing, trick-or-treaters had come
I ducked out the back door, and fast did I run!!
Right back to the store, I flew like a witch...
The clerks heard me cursing, like a grouchy old b - - - -!
The store had no candy, sold out every piece
No Big Hunks, no Snickers, no Hersheys or Reese
I bought bags of apples.... gave them out in disgrace
Every kid on the block had disgust on his face
The next Halloween, I'm not buying ahead
I'm a last minute shopper for the candy, instead..
And to all you folks, who buy treats in advance
My advice to you all, is don't take such a chance!
Something else you should learn, from this frustrating tale...,
Next time you buy candy, attach some loud bells!!
------------ P.S.... (A Moral to the story, for an evening so gory)....
He was licking his chops, while he had his sweet binge
But goblins were watching, ........and took their revenge....
That Halloween scrooge...Mr. Thief in the Night
He chipped his back molar, as he took that last bite!!
Submitted for "Funny Spooks" contest
Sponsored by Carol Brown
Like candy for strangers
on Halloween night
she ties up her sweet words
in wrappers of light
Expressions of happiness
laced with a thought
of poignant remembrance
of childhood she caught
from reading your life
as you wrote it all out
in peppermint sparkles
and chocolate doubt.
holding her apron,
she captures the fall
of every confection
and rewraps them all
in yummy new sprinkles
with strawberry swirls,
she flavors the taste
for the rest of the world.
I was the youngest kid of eight
Halloween was never that great
Orange clown shoes were too big
An old purple horrendous witch's wig
My sisters tutu I that wouldn't use
My brothers cape smelled of doo doo
Superman pants that didn't latch
And that makeup covered eye patch
That Halloween I knocked on this door
The lady was laughing and kicked the floor
Her husband then came around to peek
Then laugh so hard his knees got weak
She said "Oh honey, let's give him the lot"
He agreed, only if I posed for a snapshot
She said "you stay right there, don't move"
I took off so fast, I lost my clown shoes
Halloween was coming and the angels thought they'd have some fun,
Since they sometimes thought of dressing up before the Holy One.
They all got together and decided to do just that,
Dress up in devilish costumes...Surprise the Lord like some earthly college frat.
Each one was to make his costume from the ethereal
A very inexpensive and unusual type of material.
Then, when the Lord was looking down at earth
Don the costumes for some Heavenly mirth.
It'll be a costume party for us here in our Heavenly abode
Different from always wearing these white sophisticated robes.
We'll have a good laugh and God will understand
We're just having a laugh here in His Heavenly plan.
The moment came, all the costumes had been made
And when the Lord looked up, Heaven was a different shade.
"Something is amiss, here." , He said in the shades of that red hue
Perhaps I'll bring Satan here, to find out if this is something new.
It would be difficult to invite that guest into heaven you see
As he had been banished for all the eons of centuries.
But nothing is impossible for the Lord for He can do any feat
And just when he was to summon Satan, the Angels all shouted
"Trick or Treat"!
< Now hold on there Tex !
Let me get dressed !
Let me saddle up my horse
To trollop around this Halloween course
Got on my chaps
My spurs and cowboy hat
Replica's of forty five's
Riding on my hips very high
With lasso in my hand
This little cowboy has a plan
So all you ghost and goblins
It's candies bounty I'll be coming an robbing
And I'll be taking loot for mummy
And for my daddy who has a bigger tummy
Happy Halloween To All
Especially little tikes who are so cute and small
Halloween Costume Contest
When I was just a boy, growing up in Chicago
My best friend was "Jimmy", who loved the monsters so!
He was younger than me in more ways than one,
But I enjoyed my time with him...we always had fun.
One year for Halloween he bought monsters to build,
Needing my help, we painted and glued and every cavity filled.
There was Dracula, Frankenstein, the Werewolf, and the Mummy,
Resplendently painted, delicious and yummy.
Each was about 12 inches high
With features that would make a little one cry.
We set them in a window box with a black light behind
Turned off the house lights for a real "Trick or Treat" find.
Jimmy went out in to get his share of the goodies, too
And when he came back, there was more than enough for us two.
What really struck me that Halloween night,
Was the five foot ghost, below the street light.
Truly a sight to behold it was there,
And to more than one person did it give a scare.
Its white shaded body was like none I had seen
With a face of a gorgon, I was ready to scream.
It just stood there on the sidewalk watching the kids at the door
You can believe that those kids always got more.
I watched this ghost go up and down the street
Watching the youngsters getting their sweets.
Then, I realized, it was Jimmy's mom dressed in a sheet
It covered her over, from her head to her feet.
The mask that she wore was a scary one
But like the monsters in the window, just done for fun.
That fluorescent face I will never forget
I didn't care for monsters...with little regret.
Her costume rocked me to the core that night
For the first time I saw it, I had a real fright.
For I had never expected to see an adult
Dress up in costume, much less the occult.
So that is the Halloween that I remember the most
When a lady I knew, dressed up as a ghost.
Ghost and Goblins,
Witches in tow.
Who is the scariest,
I really don't know.
As the moon rises,
There are many surprises.
At my front door,
Hands out asking for more.
Just peek in,
And reach in.
It's Halloween fare,
Take more if you dare.
No time for coffee, as the dawn arrives....
I raised the shade. There's a crowd outside!
Hubby in his underwear, and gives them a surprise!
It's our first yard sale!!! But, will we survive???
The mob takes over...I'm still in my slippers
But already sold some old hedge clippers!!
Those folks just paid me a ton of money!!
I could use some help..........Hey! Where's my honey??
I swear...if he went back to take a nap
I'll sell his priceless baseball cap!!
Oh! They are looking at that wobbly table....
"I'll help you load it, Miss, if I'm able!"
She grabs dog-eared, dusty, vintage books
And one old crock-pot that still cooks!
I show her some doilies, and a ragged Barbie
And a costume for her Halloween parties?
A rusty shovel, and a dented bucket
And a fishing pole from old Nantucket
I'm selling Ma's old apron, and some broken dishes
A chipped glass bowl for all her fishes
Aunt Edna's ugly painting, and her candle holders
She lives down the street....hope no one told her!!!
One old bike for exercising
Doesn't work....it's not surprising!
"What's the point?" our husbands mutter
While we fill the garage with all this clutter
I explain to him..."She buys mine, and I buy hers"
"Then, we won't need to shop the stores!!"
"Dear...don't you know the grass is greener?"
"OH LOOK!" "That couple bought my vacuum cleaner!"
Just then I point across the street!!
Another yard sale.....and we both shriek!!
He points at me and shakes his fist
But I'll just ignore and toss a kiss
And side by side I'm in a race...
Who gets there first will buy that vase!!
Whoopee!!! I spy a broken chair...
That other shopper gives a glare!
So what it's broken? Well, I can glue it!
Just hope she doesn't beat me to it!
The point I'm making is simply this
This neighbor's junk became my bliss!
For Skat's Yard Sale Contest:
Last year we went shopping on Halloween
To find a new car for my lovely queen
Sadly when we arrived onto the lot
A ghastly salesman appeared on the spot
He thrust his hand in too close to my face
I shouted out, “Run before he gives chase.”
In the showroom we felt safe and secure
Until I was grabbed by the manager
Her face was pale and her eyes were all red
My wife thought she was of the walking dead
Her nails dug in my skin with a chilling grip
Yet, as she mumbled we gave her the slip
We ran over to a nice shiny car
But were waylaid by a man with a scar
He groaned and gave us a sales zombie stare
So I quickly uttered the good Lord’s Prayer
I pushed my wife in the car; then it locked
Plus I read the window and got sticker shock
I banged on the glass, “Hey honey let me in.
There are more salesmen approaching the din.”
She was helpless in there without a key
I had to act fast; it was up to me.
I yelled, “We’ll take it,” to one of the curs
Then was hauled in to the loan officer
They wrenched every fact from my weary life
I had to placate to rescue my wife
I then heard a hushed scream out on the floor
They must have gotten to her through the door
I signed the papers, though at a high price
Then dashed between two guys as cold as ice.
I shoved salesmen aside and joined my hon
But slammed the door on a big warty thumb
The sales zombie shrieked and quickly pursued
Though with his hand wedged, he was tough to elude
We then sent that sales zombie right on his a$$
Just before our car smashed through the plate glass
When my wife asked how much was on the loan
I went into shock and drove lifelessly home.
For Halloween Poem contest David Fisher on 10/30