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Ballad Funny Poems | Ballad Poems About Funny

These Ballad Funny poems are examples of Ballad poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Ballad Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Ballad | |

What's in a Name .

Mom.. I think I might be homosexual..
CALM~DOWN !.. I just said THINK !..
It's not I fear
My multi~studded ear ,
Or that I look stunning dressed in pink .
I wont complain ,
As I sip champagne
Of my blemish~free youthful looks ,
Or how I enjoy the finer things in life ;
Like fine art , or poetry books .
 NO !.. I never joined the Girl~Guides .
 You're being silly...patronizingly .
I dont like damp
But I do love camp....
'Specially in Summer , by the sea .
I like being with Brad and Christopher ;
Young Lloyd is such a dear
And Mourice is such  a sweet lad ;
Yes.. I'll always keep them near .
But , deep inside my inner soul
When push will come to shove .
For my own part ,
Who has my heart ,
Yes !.. It's Annie I really love .
But one thing that still bothers me ,
And will , until my dying day ....
Is , when on that morn....
Yes!.. When I was born..
WHY ! !.. Did you name me  GAY ??...

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The Ballad Of Prospector Pete

Prospector Pete had roamed the hills fer years searchin' fer gold!
He and his faithful burro, Fred, were both growin' weary and old.
He'd looked fer color in many a mountain and stream in Colorado,
Lookin' fer that mother lode, that elusive vein, his own El Dorado!

Oh, he'd found a few nuggets here and there, but didn't amount to much.
Those he did find he'd blown on gamblin', women, whiskey and such!
Pete would save a bag of dust or two from his many wanton toots,
To grubstake himself to re-supply his picks, jeans, shovels and boots.

He staked his claims along ripplin' streams and left many holes along the way.
The mountains and valleys are pocked with his many diggin's to this very day!
He'd come up dry, nothin' there, and move on to more appealin' pickin's,
Burrowin' and pannin' with elbows flyin' workin' like the dickens!

Pete would winter in his cabin 'til spring then he'd begin his annual quest,
Packin' his tools on long-sufferin' Fred and headin' fer the hills to the west.
If he didn't find that elusive bonanza this year he swore that he would retire,
To his ramshackle cabin at the foot of Mount Pisgah and enjoy the blazin' fire!

Years passed and Prospector Pete wasn't seen 'round town much anymore.
On a wintry day his friends found him froze to death upon his cabin floor!
They dug Prospector Pete's grave and buried him outside his cabin door.
Eureka! Six feet down was that vein of gold that he'd been lookin' for!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

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For better or for worse they'd pledged 
upon  their wedding day, 
but all the so called better bits 
had somehow gone astray. 
Poor Blue and Joan had lost the zing 
that matrimony brings, 
so both sought out a counsellor 
and hoped he'd patch up things. 
"I sense you do not spend much time," 
the counsellor advised, 
"on doing the together things 
you both once highly prized. 
"The best advice that I can give 
is, spend less time apart. 
Go find a common interest 
and that will be a start." 
While driving home Joan said to Blue, 
"I know what we can do. 
Next week when you go hunting dear 
I'll come along with you." 
"But Joan you've never seen a deer 
or ever used a gun, 
but still if that is what you want 
I guess it could be fun." 
The next weekend they set on out 
and Blue advised his Joan  
to watch for hunters who may claim  
a deer that's not their own. 

With Joan concealed and out of sight 
Blue showed a lot of nous 
and circled 'round to chase a deer 
towards his waiting spouse. 
Then suddenly he heard a ... BANG! 
That made his poor ears ring 
and as he worked towards his wife 
he heard Joan arguing.  
Blue saw as he peered through the trees 
his Joan and some poor dude, 
both locked into a verbal war;  
a ding dong all out feud. 
The bloke then cried "Okay!  Okay! 
You keep the flamin' beast, 
but may I have the saddle though? 
Please grant me that at least?" 

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Across the Way - The Sequel

Another day and the dishes have piled up yet again
So back I end up in front of the window 
I do not glance up, but concentrate
On the dull, dirtied objects before me
I do not hear the voices from yesterday
I still wallow in the grime of gray
I smile in malcontent
As I lather the dishes with soap
Against my will, I look up 
To see a lone, fat man opening a refrigerator
He is shirtless, bulgy, and he looks pregnant
My first supposition is to laugh
But I only look back down at the dishes
Not wanting to stare at the fat man
Not wanting to think he looks pregnant
For sure not wanting him to be my neighbor
Across the way

Against my will again, I look up
The fat, pregnant man is gone
I see ornaments on the refrigerator
Some pictures, some magnets
Family; not so different from my life
But yet, there is a transparent fancy of mystery
A flashy rage of difference in the silence
Oh, so quiet
The blazing sun sprays its light upon the hour
Not only are my hands wet from the soapy water
The deafening tone of quietude
Revels in me a mixture of loneliness and physical heat
A burning desire for something not seen
A desire for utter disgust of my newly found neighbors
But I find myself not disgusted at all
Until I look up again and see a fully naked man at the window
Across the way

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Epitaph to a Happy Mosquito

T'was a warm summer's day, when I took to the trail,
to cruise that old black spruce, way down in the swale.

A gallon of bug dope was strapped on my hip,
which I figured would last me for most of the trip.

Down through the sphagnum I plowed like a moose,
a huffin' and puffin' and spittin' my snoose.

Then off in the distance, I heard a faint roar,
like B-29's coming home from the war.

The sky clouded over, so you barely could see,
"They're mosquitoes! "I cried, and they're coming for me.

They flew by me once and past me again,
a-flexing their stingers, before they moved in.

I grabbed for my bug dope and spread it on thick,
just hopin' and prayin', it would do the trick.

They came at me fiercely and punctured my hide,
But before they could drink much, they dropped off and died.

I thought to myself, "What type of bug dope is this?"
The mosquitoes all had smiles on, as they lay there in bliss.

After checking the label, I saw my mistake,
t'was the 100 proof whiskey, that Uncle Jake makes.

Details | Ballad | |

The Undersized Lunker

The dawn was approaching, not a breath of air blew,
And the bass should be bitin', at the edge of the slough.

I gathered my tackle and shoved in the boat,
Not knowing whether, the blamed thing would float.

A pull on the kicker, got old Betsy churnin',
To the home of the large-mouth, for which i'd been yearnin'.

The boat snaked on through, the lily-pad carpet,
Toward an old sunken log, as black as a tarpit.

Don't ask me how, but I knew he'd be there,
Just awaitin' to be pulled, from his watery lair.

With a flick of the wrist, the lure sped toward the log,
Which stuck from the water, at the edge of the bog.

The silence was shattered, as the bass took the bait.
You could see in his eyes, the feeling of hate.

I had him hooked firmly, in the side of the lip,
And he couldn't get loose, no matter how he should flip.

I guessed that he'd weigh, no less than twelve pounds,
For he was straining my tackle, beyond all its' bounds.

An hour went by, but he fought just as strong.
He had to give in, 'cause I couldn't last long.

Finally the old lunker, turned on it's side,
And slid in the net, with mouth opened wide.

But after I weighed him, I found to my plight,
He'd lost over ten pounds, during this long and hard fight!

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Haggis and Drinks Mi Luve (Mythology)

Let’s hve haggis and drinks mi luve
Find de bes ina de ole land 
Lay yu head on mi chest mi luve
Whilst wi dance musik wid de band

Dance wid de band in de Highlands
Backyard jig good fer de ole soul
Tickle mi nose with yu gold locks
Tigether wi bade ead to toe’s sole

Call Fionn mi Luve with his jug
Nice poems he read at de gate
Summon the Clooties with a mug
Aye, they will cum and bles dis date

We’ll sail de river on Loch Ness
Kelpies will protect our flanks
Goddess Scotia says we bless
Oh mi chamin' sweet Sidhe, tanks

Aye! Mi sweet luve; Boobrie will fly
He will fetch up the Salmon Ring
And a knot cross de land we tye
Red Caps our guard til cum de spring

Then wid haggis and drinks mi luve
Goddesses'pipes blow dem great songs
In the grey mist we skip and dance
Then like Boobrie we fly with doves

Scottish Mythical Legends:

1. Fionn is a Scottish magician, warrior and poet
2. Clootie is a Scottish name for the devil.  The name originated from the word cloot, which  
    mean a division in the cleft hoof of an animal.
3. Kelpie is a Scottish water devil who lurks in lakes and rivers and drowns its victims.
4. Scotia is a goddess normally portrayed as an old hag with the tusks of a wild boar
5. Sidhe (Shee) is the Gaelic name for fairies in the Highlands of Scotland and also Ireland. 
6. Boodrie is a wonderful water-bird from the Highlands.  It haunts and protects the lakes  
    and wells.
7. Red Cap is a sort of short, stocky old guy with long gray hair and claws instead of hands 
    and fingers. He lives on the Scottish border and guard the ancient ruins of castles

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Rubber Duckie

Rubber duckie you're the one
You're the reason I'm the one
Rubber duckie
You're the one for me

Details | Ballad | |


During the night 
She got in the fight 
With a person named right
That might keep the light 
From returning at dawn
They both took a yawn 
Then out popped out a song

Details | Ballad | |

We Thank You, Pikachu

From our earliest times to the most recent of our days,

We've grown with pokemon, and we've learned their ways,

We've learned the evolutions, the special attacks,

We've learned what pokemon hide in tall grass,

We've learned the weaknesses and the advantages of them all,

We've learned a lot from our friends in a poke-ball,

We've battled hard against Team Rocket, Team Plasma, Team Aqua and Magma,

We've seen the impossible and defeated the improbable,

We've grown in a way that's practically inseparable,

Through the duels, and gym battles galore,

We've learned the companionship of a friend and more,

For this we look through the trees of Veridian forest,

And give thanks to our pokemon friends for enduring this life-long quest,

To be the best, surpass the rest, and grow together as a team,

To have our friends by our side and become the supreme,

For this we tip our hats, to these special pals our ours,

For standing by our side as we travel through towns, voyage the sea, and climb Spirit Tower,

Through thick and thin, we have a friendship no Vine Whip could damage,

And no matter the course, our pokemon seem to manage,

This is why, I suppose we all do, we grow strong with our friends by our side,

Cause no matter the challenge, our dear friends are along for the ride,

So no matter the game; be it blue,red,silver or white,

With pokemon at our side, the adventure is twice as bright.

Details | Ballad | |


 Here I sit
 Watching time go by.
 I'm all alone,
 But high.

 I think I'm "Trippin' Out", without a doubt.

 Everything seems to be spinning.
 I see two frogs playing poker.
 And neither one's winning.

 I'm "Trippin' Out", without a doubt.

 The phone rang,
 I answered my shoe.
 I couldn't remember
 What to do.

 I'm "Trippin' Out", without a doubt.

 I heard the doorbell,
 And wondered if he or she
 Would be able to tell.

 That I'm "Trippin' Out", without a doubt.

 So, I didn't answer the door
 And decided to get stoned some more.
 So I lit another joint,
 And to get right to the point.

 I was "Trippin' Out", without a doubt.

 My eyelids sank,.
 And my mind grew blank
 As the world moved farther away.
 I woke up the next day
 With these words to say,

 I was "Trippin' Out", without a doubt. 

(per contest rules - Influence was Marijuana)

Details | Ballad | |

The bawdy ballad of Robin Hood

Oooh Miss Whiplash 
Hit me with your cane 
Oooh Miss Whiplash 
Make me feel the pain 
and if I beg for mercy 
Please hit me once again 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
Hit me with your cane .

The merry men are captured 
and placed in the castle stocks
Tights pulled down around their ankles
They are wearing them like socks
For Prince John has hired Miss Whiplash
Telling her to whip their butts
but Robin hood is excited 
and can't keep his mouth shut .

Oooh Miss whiplash 
Hit me with your cane 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
make me feel the pain 
and if I beg for mercy 
Please hit me once again 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
Hit me with your cane .

Punishment is over 
The merry men set free 
Robin vows to rob the rich 
Until he rids Nottingham of poverty
but he knows his men need discipline 
To keep them on the right track
So he has kidnapped Miss Whiplash
and he's never going to give her back .

Oooh Miss Whiplash 
Hit me with your cane 
Oooh Miss Whiplash 
Make me feel the pain 
and if I beg for mercy 
Please hit me once again 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
Hit me with your cane . 

The wealthy have been so greedy 
Taxation so unfair 
Robin and his Merry men 
Are hero worshipped everywhere
The poor can have the money 
His men distribute it with care 
but Miss Whiplash he keeps for himself 
He's just not willing to share . 

Oooh Miss Whiplash
Hit me with your cane 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
Make me feel the pain
and if I beg for mercy 
Please hit me once again 
Oooh Miss Whiplash
Hit me with your cane .

For the Robin Hood Contest .
Sponsor Isaiah Zerbst.

Details | Ballad | |

Pan and Satan

Pan and Satan.

One morning I was walking in my garden
When old Jupiter came up close to me.
And standing by his side stood fair Demeter
Who smiled at me so warm and tenderly.
She said “my son we’ve come to give our blessings
And we’ve a story we would like to tell.
Of how the great God Pan turned into Satan
And child I hope that you will listen well.

For Pan he was the god of natures beauty
And he wore no taint till Satan came along.
He’d play his pipes so gaily in the meadows
Though sometimes there was mischief in his song.

Then Satan said to pan “well I don’t give a damn
I’m going to steal your horns and make you me.
Then I’ll build a master plan and strike some fear in man
So always he will live in misery.
And that’s the way old Pan became young Satan
Yet still the old one dances deep within.
But if the two had never joined together
Then where would dwell the ugliness of sin.


Details | Ballad | |

Smile Its Your Birthday

it seems like an eternity
since ive seen ur smile
the fact that uve been gone
still has me in deep denial

a lot of stuff has happened
since ur smile left this earth
gatherings, eagles losing, parties
life changes and brooklyns birth

a lot of people miss u greatly
n think about u everyday
our last picture together
on my dresser it will stay

ur deep voice, ur humor, ur kindness
is what i tend to miss the most
ur passing forever broke my heart
but our memories i hold close

i must admit, i did hit rock bottom
drugs n alcohol i used to cope
i took ur passing very hard
i started to give up hope

but i looked into brooklyns eyes
n caught a glimpse of u
u probably would have kicked my ass
sober now i stay true

mom also met a fine fella
u actually would approve
no need to kick this guys ass
hes good to her n the kids to

madison is so smart n beautiful
byron is turning into a handsome man
there both striving so well
u should be a very proud dad

two of ur friends got engaged
there so cute n its exciting news
i hope they live a life of happiness
i know u would feel the same to

ur brother misses u the most
hes coping the best he can
he misses u as much as i do
he was ur biggest fan

ur neighbors n friends
also stop by ur page
reminiscing about the good times
the laughter n good chatter ud engage

thank-god for all the music
its a good way to deal with pain in life
cause without u here with us
its like eating steak without a knife

im over trying to understand
i feel ur in a happier place
you had ur own reasons
your demons u finally faced

but in a couple days
ur birthday we will celebrate
the big thirty seven u turn
teasing u old man woulda been great

your always in our hearts
in our thoughts forever jay
so while ur up in heaven...
smile...cause its ur birthday :)

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No mind to wait
From the pained wind
Down's moon
For the last siren.

I got that feeling
Everywhere I go she will 
Be watching me from above.

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You spoiled me with gifts
You always helped me out
You said you'd always be there
You were all I was about

I eventually let my walls down
I finally let you in
It only lasted 2 months
I'm not gonna let u win

You tricked and deceived me
Everything was all just a lie
Other girls you did see
Your bulls**t I did buy

But I learned real quick
I finally caught on
I kicked you to the curb
And now your f**king gone

I'm a great, loving person
You obviously could not see
Your not gonna bring me down
Your just another faded memory

So be a cocky, selfish, dick
And chase after tail
Tell all your bulls**t lies
Cause at life you will fail

Cause when your old n gray
And there's no more drama
A lonely, sad life you'll lead
So haha F**k You, that's karma

Details | Ballad | |

Saturday Morning

I woke up in a Saturday Morning
sleeping in too late.
It is a little boring
this is the mood I really hate.

I missed all of my favorite cartoons
its now 11 o'clock.
Maybe I should play with my harpoon
but I know I'll just be told to stop.

While I'm writing this poem
my brother comes up to me and says hey.
Then I go to my friends home
and that is what makes my Saturday.

Jakob Vaught

Details | Ballad | |

Ham versus Hog

Let me tell you a story
From a time gone by
The tale of a greedy butcher
And a pig that could fly

In the little village of Piddle Brook
There lived a butcher named Mr.Ham
He was bearded, bulky, and a belcher
And was rumored to eat his own toe jam

A lover of all meat
Pork,beef,duck,chicken, and mutton
All this gorger did was eat
He was a professional glutton

But Mr.Ham’s appetite was not satisfied 
He longed for some thick greasy bacon
Just a few strips, nicely fried
Served with pickled daikon

He peeked through his window 
And with one beady eye 
Spotted his neighbors hog
And pictured a flaky pork pie

His mouth watered
"What a delicious midnight snack!"
"I will barbecue,braise and fry her"
"But first I will launch my attack"

"Oh but I shan’t become a thief!"
"T’was only a whim!"
But Mr.Ham’s thin scruples vanished
His growling belly got the better of him

He grabbed a pitchfork
And the hefty hooligan set out
He advanced on the sleeping hog
And grabbed her by the snout

Her piggy eyes shot open
And in a flash
She darted past the butcher
And ran past the fence in a dash

Mr.Ham bellowed in rage
And waddled after the beast
But the pig was too quick
Yet Mr.Ham never ceased

And so the chase continued
A wild game of cat and mouse
They ran through the streets
Row upon row,house after house

Finally the swine was cornered
The escaped pig let out a squeal
And great feathery wings sprouted from her back
Said the pig “Thou shalt not steal” 

And with one final snort
Two leaps and a hop
The winged sow flew away
And Mr. Ham collapsed with a plop

"I suppose it was a sign from above"
Mr.Ham sighed with defeat
From then on the rotund carnivore
Gave up on eating meat

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Details | Ballad | |

the poverty blues song

I've got damp on my walls and cobwebs in the hall
got a rat in the kitchen
where the cockroach crawl.
I got holes in my shoes
where my toes peep through
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.

I got a crack in my bathtub and bed bugs in my bed
I got things crawlin through my hair
that make me scratch my head

Got piles of bills collected by my door
the one's I should have paid a year or two or more.
I try to get myself sorted
but always seem to lose
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.


I got trouble in my hovel
and the place could do with a good clean
I may not be superman
but  I try the best I can
I just find things so hard to do
Guess I got a bad case of the poverty blues.

Some people call me lazy
but I sure ain't crazy
I;m a man alone in the world what can I do
I got a bad case of the poetry blues.

I'd love to meet a girly
who could cook and clean
with lots of money
so I could live my dreams
one thet would say I do
so I no longer got to sing the poverty blues
say I no longer got to sing the poverty  blues uesssssssssssssss.

Peter Dome copyright. 2012.

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Sir Archibald and the Black Knight - Part 1

Let me sing you a tale, a story of old,
Of a man without fear, of a knight brave and bold,
He sought out adventures, whenever they called,
And the name of this knight was Sir Archibald.

Whilst out riding his horse, a steed of great power,
He saw in the distance a creepy old tower,
At the top of this tower lived a pretty young maid,
Who was cold and was lonely and longed to be saved.

“Oh Sir Archibald, won’t you please rescue me?
I’m stuck in this tower and there’s nowt on TV.
I’m forced to stay in here, and wash all these socks,
While the evil Black Knight holds the keys to the locks.”

Sir Archibald loved the maiden so fair,
With her glittering eyes and her long golden hair.
“Of course I will save you!” was the knight’s brave reply,
“Or at least I shall give it a jolly good try!”

Sir Archie rode onwards, as fast as he could,
Until he came to the edge of the wood,
And there stood before him a terrible sight,
The tall, strong and mighty, the evil Black Knight.

The Black Knight was massive, someone to be feared,
With a scar on his face and a huge tatty beard,
Our villain’s description is only complete,
When we mention his dark eyes and big smelly feet.

“What do you want?!” called he with the big booming voice,
Of a man you’d avoid if were given the choice,
“You’ve got a young girl there, who you must set free.
Let her go now, or else answer to me!”

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Adieu Fair Pumpkin

A white pumpkin, how sublime
before the falling snow,
I'll warm the oven just in time
And in our tummies go!

So dear, so clear so virginal
This fair squash of thine
To take a sharpened knife at all
To it seems such a crime!

I turn it this way and then that
I cut its top and grin
I know just where that tin’s at
The one I’ll put it in…

Ah white pumpkin you’re bid adieu
As into your core I bore
Just as sweet and so yummy too
I’d ask for another encore!

Details | Ballad | |

Saturn's Outer Rim

I sit here at the candlelit table in a silent plead 
Nineteenth century red wine is not what I need 
For I do believe I am beginning to hallucinate
Which means all my senses start to dissipate

I could swear the waiter was in the form of you
All the other guests gave me a familiar view
Each back of their head, the same blonde mop 
My eyes screwed up, still the feeling won’t stop 

I blink twice and look at my poor date 
He must think he’s in for a dire fate 
This crazy woman who now sits before him 
Looking like she belongs on Saturn’s outer rim

He reaches out to give me a worried grasp 
‘Are you alright?’
I respond with a dramatic gasp
I swore for a moment I saw your eyes 
As we now tuck into our shepherd pies 

‘Did I really order this?’ I said 
Was this off the menu I read?

He nodded his head, he looked to the ground
We sat there for 10 whole minutes without a sound 
‘What’s his name, the man that still has your heart?’ 
My lips begin to quiver, but they did not part 

I told myself I would never settle for contentment 
Nor live my life and wallow in my hearts resentment 
But is that what I am doing, tonight at this dinner?
Whilst my patience of my own mind wears thinner 

When all I really want is to be in your warm embrace 
To knock on your door, and see your handsome face
That’s what I’ll do! 

Oh god, I do feel rather dreadful for this poor man 
His romantic intentions haven’t quite gone to plan
He’s looking even more confused as I grab my clutch 
I rummage inside, it’s only fair if we go Dutch

‘I’m ever so sorry, but there’s someone I must see’
As I put down some money and begin my flee 
I run past the post office and the corner store 
Through the park I race, finally reaching your door 

I knock three times and wait, my head starts to pound 
What if he’s not in or worse, he has another girl round?
The light in the hallway comes on, my hands start to shake 
I bet she’s beautiful, wouldn't that be the icing on the cake 

The door opens, you greet my with a shocked expression 
I sigh heavily, not knowing how to state my intention 
‘I thought I’d just drop by for a late night chat’ 
That was the worst line ever, my conscience spat 

Oh if I don’t do it now, I might never get the chance!
I grab his shirt and pull him out of his shocked stance 
I press my lips to his and bring him back to our outer rim 
His hands on my back, I feel his mouth curl into a grin 


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The Cyber Nymph

The Cyber Nymph
Loch David Crane
August 18, 1997

Lie back--expose your belly ring		
up unto the sky. . .
I just hope when I get down close
it won't put out my eye!

That summer I was 48 
and she pert 25;
I left Prozac in the cupboard 
and Reality went Live.

I shoulda taken time to stop
and used the vorpal rubber
But 48 he couldn't wait 
to find another lover.

So while the Sun was merciless
to sand and skin and sea
"If she swells I'm sure she'll tell,
returning then to me."

I must admit I got her drunk--
I used her just for sex:
Blue and blond with freckles,
suntanned buns and pecs.

But she revealed computer skills
That took away my breath.
Her dancing cyber fingers sang;
I soon saw who was best.

Ol' 48 could bare compute
"Not very fast" she said;
"I've practiced years not to be fast"
gasped I, collapsed in bed.

Then the Sun warmed up the honey--
it dripped twice more in a row.
Ulysses' "rosy-fingered dawn"
beheld her frown, dress, and go.

That freshly-flossed feeling
reverberates my spine
A smile wells up from deep inside
and stays there all the time.

At play I watched this cyber nymph
on Netscape and E-mail;
Her eyes flashed, fingers flying,
shaking golden ponytail.

"You're kinda slow," she grumbled,
terrifying 48;
"But I like that in a man," she grinned,
making me feel great.

My old 12 color monitor
was not enough for her;
More movies, GIFs, and videos
flew by me in a blur.

But 48 he had a trick:
while she stared at the screen
I spoke in her ear, nibbled her neck,
and adored her like a Queen.

I kissed and bit and licked and squirmed
'til wrists and spine went quiet--
The way a mouse's legs go still
when python's on his diet.

And then the honey dripped once more,
the Sun was past its rise.
I felt its rosy hug and knew
that love was in my eyes.

I asked her for her address,	
she wrote with @ in code;
I said "I'm too old fashioned"
and asked for her telephone.

So when you dream, sweet 25,
tall cyber nymph of mine,
remember please old 48
who isn't past his prime.

And as the honey of the Sun
drips down into the sea
I'll recall my Cyber Nymph
and she will undelete me.

Details | Ballad | |

Always Remember Tooth Paste

Tears for fears.
Tears throughout the years.
Tears that fallen from my peers.
A tear so sincere that will shred us from this dreadful fear.
That someday we all will die.
But have u gotten a slice of that pie.
A pie so delicious u can almost taste.
That u cant let it go to waste.
Maybe next time I'll remember tooth paste.

Details | Ballad | |


It is...within the tiny things of early morning, that moment breaths alive, it is within the tiny whisperings, that a melodye the very dear and the antelope, play home on the range.

so goes the melodye of heart beat, that plays quietly the songs of soul,

here a rhyme is born of day-light coming so soon, through the early morning eyes of the moon-light, and the starry dreams of twilight's transitioning...

into the light of a love letter written to dawn.

soul to soul conversing, as in this love letter, the letters just join hands with the words and just march across the sky...and at the end of the rainbow, there be plenty of golden time,

way down deep on the inside, the inspired choir, of a bumble bee, or a butterfly, starts to sing, like tiny things that live,

flower to flower,
blossom to bloom,

watered and deeply cared for...

O' Eden.

I say, deep beneath the surface of a wishing well...where the pennies lay,

I wish a sun-rise.

Details | Ballad | |

tell me how to get to seaseme street

i couldn't find sesame street on my G.P.S
 it was somewhere down by electric ave i guess
but every time i put in where i wanted to go 
i ended up somewhere in the 91210

i thought that was quite odd 
that i keep ending up on holly wood blvd.
i figured it had to be in cali somewhere
so i walked around til i bumped into the fresh prince of bellere

so i ask him to point in the right direction if he could
he said! you must go thru mr rogers nieghborhood
but i must have taken the wrong turn you know
cause i ended up right in the middle of south central

i continued up the shore to the streets of san fransico
and came to find out that no one really knows
cause i posed the question to everyone i came to meet 
 can you show me how to get --how you get to seseme street

Details | Ballad | |

The Goat Cheese Craving Disease

A clever work indeed,
But you must really need,
Either a doctor or a goat,
It's up to you to vote,

In this poem you come acrostic,
To shepherds as diagnostic
As a woman a tad too caustic,
Of their herd's fruit a bit bombastic

I think they see with herder's eye,
You had too much Shepherd's Pie!!

Ha! Ha!

Details | Ballad | |

One Year

10/18/2007         To Krista,    love, Karen

When good things try to scare us with things we don’t deserve
Sometimes we still believe our lies and never find the nerve
To proudly stand and take the coin
That proves our lies were wrong
The months and days all in a row
The minutes took so long…
But here we are, one year has gone
And Krista never drank
The kids were kids
And all day long
Well, Krista never drank
We met again at Kingston Creek
That Saturday in June
We shared a common trait…
Who knew?
The two of us were doomed
Around the rooms for many years
And couldn’t find a friend
Imagine that.  Both in AA
The ‘clicks’ were smaller then
So Krista shared and so did I
About our sad dilemma
We both were gorgeous, smart and funny
But couldn’t find a frienda
The whole thing was hysterical
When we shared it with each other
We laughed the laugh 
Of those who laugh, and go on to recover
Laughter is the medicine that heals your every wound
I thank you Krista for being my friend
And getting me here by noon.

Details | Ballad | |

Ballad of Bad Doggie

Sing to tune of "Teen Angel" if you are old enough to know that tune!

That fateful night we brought you home,
you looked so sweet and cute,
but when I sat you on my lap,
you pooped on my new suit.

We realized you were still young;
you needed to be trained.
But after months of accidents,
our carpets all were stained.

Bad doggie, so annoying,
what now - are you destroying?
Are you dead or doing well
and putting someone else through hell?

We hired a professional
to help us deal with you.
But nothing worked, and even worse,
you then began to chew.

Ignoring bones, you chewed our shoes,
our walls, our chairs, the gate!
And so we had to keep you in
a store-bought plastic crate!

Bad doggie, so annoying,
what now - are you destroying?
Are you dead or doing well
and putting someone else through hell?

You yelped and howled inside your cage.
We put you out in back.
But in the yard you barked and barked
like some crazed maniac.

And then you started digging holes.
You dug through dirt and grass.
You got away and then you bit
our neighbor on the ass.

Bad doggie, so annoying,
what now - are you destroying?
Are you dead or doing well
and putting someone else through hell?

We paid the neighbor's doctor bill
and paid a hefty fine.
But tied up barking in the back,
you made the neighbors whine.

And so we took you to the pound.
The last I heard was that. .  
you fled, and while they search for you,
we've gone and bought a cat!

Bad doggie, so annoying,
what now - are you destroying?
Are you dead or doing well
and putting someone else through hell?

(bad doggie, bad doggie. . . please don't return)

Details | Ballad | |

The Genius and the Good O'boy

this story's about a good o'boy
that knows his wits ain't the keenest
and a writer that thought he was cock-of-the-walk 
we'll refer to him as genius

genius liked to hang around o'boy
and make fun of him all day long
he would pick and poke and make sick jokes
o'boy would just laugh along 

now genius decided to protect his work
so he sent it to washington
said i'll be a star, yea i'm gonna go far
and my songs'll be number one.

well, his head began to swell a mite
when he started to receive
the kind of deals that come in the mail
when you register with the L.O.C.

now, o'boy might be simple folk. 
he don't claim to have a great mind.
but he can spot a scam, size up a man 
and read between the lines.

o'boy tried to warn him
said be careful or ya might get burned
but the know-it-alls are bound to fall
cause there's nutin else they can learn.

they said they'd sell genius his spotlight
make his name known all around
so he bent right over, stuck his head in the clover
and pulled his britches down.

well i can't really say how it happened
but the story soon spread around
and before ya know it that singing poet
was the biggest joke in town.

now, we can make fun of the downhom'eez
laugh at their back-wood way
make the simple folk the butt of our joke
but sometimes it just don't pay.

Details | Ballad | |

The Human,The Demon, And The Angel

The Human,The Demon, And The Angel

I'm the one who must stay
I'm the one who must kill you
I'm the one who must reverse time

I am to die when the new moon is in range
I am the one to be your executioner your taker of life
I am to observer and to take note of everything and of every life

Who are you to say I have no future
I say what I please for I am the bringer of death
I want to help I wish to free you I need to save you

There is no more time for my life 
You never had a life to begin with
She was free until you stole her very being

I am the human who must die
I am the demon who only wants her body for it kill
I am the angel who will take her soul once her body is gone

We are in one body
We are in one mind
We are three trapped by one bond

These times are different then the last 
These times are different then when I was young
These times are different then when the earth was made

Oh how we let this control us
Oh how we take our worlds and live for such granted
Oh how we let who we are put fear in our hearts

I leave this to you
I leave this to you
I leave this to you

We have exceed 
We have flown 
We have drowned
We have died
We have lived
We have made many wonders
We have created a new life
We have done evil deeds
We have done good deeds
We have but to wait for the one day
We have but to wait for our freedom
We have each other 
We have nothing but that
We have nothing but each other and to wait 
We have to wait for freedom

Details | Ballad | |

~A Thief~Good Grief~

Behin' bared doors, beneath yer floors, in cozy dens and caverns deep y'll find me der down under de stair where gutter rats scamper and silverfish sleep. "Who can I be, hmmmm let me see. I be a thief Good Grief!" On to Ol' Town's docks walks Goldylocks decked in de heights a fashion in 'er purse I peeks, I rummage, I sneaks discoverin' coin for me passion! Den off to de park fer another mark, I grimace and frown appearin de clown Whilst signin' for de gang we makes a plan ta break all de rules in de 'ole damn town. Soon der's a tussel wid all of dis muscle den me fingers kin creep in 'is pockets deep grabbin' the loot I's trained ye see yet, what I find i donna na keep. Who can I be, hmmmm let see, I be a thief Good Grief! At Marchant's Oak near Fayrin's rest Down forest paths,through high grass I stalk de traders, cause I loves dem best Why let me see who can I be so crass? Who can I be, hmmmm let see, I be a thief Good Grief! But surin what I find I will na keep Dough stealing be me duty, I'll give ye back whats in yer pack Fer I be an Honorable beauty. And if per chance ye needs a hand Wid opening treasure boxes cutie.. Donna get smart wid some other tart who'll walk off wid yer booty! Just 'ave a cheer fer I be 'ere ~Honoravillana at yer duty!
Dis 'err piece a work be dedicated to de Raven ‘aired beauty name of Constance La France

Details | Ballad | |

The Contest of Hymns

Today my fellow Christians 
Today we have a need to pay
To pave the way for Godly deeds
I offer this contest today

Three hymns you may choose
To whom may ever give the most
Of dollars which are in need
So may you be leaded by the Holy Ghost

Thus the collection plate did pass
Among the members who gladly gave 
As cheerful givers do make
Treasures in heaven to gain

The assembled elders preacher and me
To start the count now gathered
But the preacher gasped
When he did smilingly behold
A folded thousand dollar 

Shouting praise the Lord do pray tell
Who gives such grand benevolent a gift 
Who wins the hymns of three
Who has sacrificed the best

And spied he did old hard hearing Edda May
Slouched low a back row seat
Shyly raising hand to the sky
The preacher ran to greet

Come forth and choose thy prize
Three hymns to you now may claim
As Edda May began to stand  
Edda May the winner of three

With back bone straight and wondering eye
Edda May released a snickering grin
Declaring her name loudly spoke
Giving voice for all with in
I do tell at this moment of truth
Pointing her crooked index out 
So many to choose from 
So many have I always liked

And thus she began
Pointing to Sam
And Claude
I’ll take him and him and him

The congregation began to sing
Have Thy own why Have thy own way
Edda May the potter
The three are the clay

Edda May just smiled
The children all did snicker
As Edda May walked arm in arm
With her new paid for fellers

Details | Ballad | |


I have a God given talent
I rejoice but not ever lament
They said it is a wonderful thing
I must do share and sing

Some may or may not listen
Even though as long as I win
Not of fame but of joyous hearts
For so long been gloom and apart

The high and low notes, I'll reach
Tactful enough to be on right pitch
I may swing in a fidget ditch
It's fine as long as I'll not miss

I will tunely swing both my arms
Harmoniously to the music at hand
I may open and close my eyes 
To feel each lyrics in vies

It's not only my voice that sings
Also does my heart it rings
Uncaring the people's glances
Displaying this in chosen chances

By: olive_eloi


Details | Ballad | |

A song about my cat

My cat went a roaming to find a new home.
Sing kitty,sing katty,sing Oh!
This cat was so clever he had his own comb.
Look up,now look down,stone the crows!

He went into the neighbours' and drank all their milk.
Sing,fridge raiding kitties.No,No!
Then he laid himself down on a piece of fine silk.
Sing,what the dickens,my lovely pillow!

He went to the butcher and ate all the steak.
Sing greedy,he's ruined my flow.
Then he went to the hairdresser for a shampoo.
Where else can a puttitat go?

He had no plastic,no money,no cheque!
Sing,cheater,sing creature,sing woe.
She sent for a Copper who paid the cat's bill.
And so  my puss came out all aglow.

Now my cat was glossy and plump and refreshed.
Sing:fancy,it all goes to show.
So he came home and said this place is best.
And he picked up his cello and bow.

He scraped some Sibelius and also some Grieg.
Sing: Northern lights can always glow.
But,he looked so self satisfied,I felt annoyed....
One should not let one's narcissism show.

But he was so handsome,I was glad he came home.
Sing,grateful,sing katefull,sing Ho!
And I hope he will never again want to roam.
Sing glory.sing story;Sing So!

Details | Ballad | |

Freddy the Fly

Dapper Freddy,
the house fly
and this is a fly
not prone to lie

he does buzz around
at breakneck speed
he wears his crown
a fly-king,  indeed

a cinch for him
to ceiling walk
or climb up walls
he can even fly-talk!!

yes Freddy is cool,
he really is
just passed my eyes
he sure did wiz

well Freddy was in search
of a Mrs. Freddy Fly
tired of being a bachelor
I don't know why

he did woo his share
of lovely gnats
everytime one went by
he'd remove his hats

Freddy was also brave,
fearing not insect spray
nor swift used swatter
the more he was hunted
the more his temperature got hotter

one day Freddy will likely die
perhaps his fly-body landing 
on a window sill
seems the place they end up
more oft than not
even without an insect spray shot

so go on your merry way for now,
Freddy Fly, my dear little fly-friend
just stay away from my food
or meet your Freddy Fly end!!

Details | Ballad | |

Sir Archibald and The Black Knight - Part 2

“That girl’s going nowhere; she’s got socks to clean!”
The Black Knight did answer, he really was mean.
“If you’ve come here to get her I’ll give you a kick,
And knock you over with my big pointy stick!”

“So be it,” said Archie, “I’ll give you a chance,
To beat me on horseback, with sword or with lance!”
The Black Knight closed his visor and climbed on his horse,
A steed known as Twilight (he was black too of course!).

They rode at each other as fast as they could,
Both aiming their lances as all good knights should,
Sir Archibald’s lance hit the Black Knight square on,
He fell off his horse and our hero had won.

“Oh please do not hurt me!” the Black Knight did cry,
“I’ve grazed both my knees and got mud in my eye.
You can take the fair maiden. I’ll look after my health,
By not picking fights and doing housework myself!”

The girl was so happy her eyes filled with tears,
She had been locked in that tower for years and years.
She’d been there for so long her beautiful hair,
Had grown longer and longer, it lay everywhere.

The poor maiden cried, “I may have to stay,
I cannot escape here. My hair’s in the way!”
 “Don’t worry my dear; I’ve got something for that!”
And he scooped it all up in a big purple hat.

And so ends our tale, just as it should be,
With hero and maiden both safe and happy,
And the evil Black Knight, whom we mustn’t forget,
Is now whiter than white, and owns a laundrette.

Details | Ballad | |

Better Luck Next Time

My heart...can you find it?
I can't feel it in my chest
Ever since the emotional hit
Leaving me months of unrest

You'll be fine, better luck next time

Every woman looks like the same
Decent hair, poor skin and a sight of breast
Nothing but another bland dame
Why can't I simply just rest?

You'll be fine, better luck next time

Lying alone in bed waiting
my supportive roommates in love surround me
I can't bear the noise as I'm debating
What is next in life for me?

You'll be fine, better luck next time

....oh shut up

Details | Ballad | |

Red Neck Rap Artist Formerly Known As Niller Bean

My name is Charlie Munford
I am all Redneck, not a nerd
I have the gas sucking truck, big bald muddin' tires
I needed some money, so I sat my truck on fire
If you come over empty handed, no beer or snacks
Prepare for an old fashioned butt whippin' or you better make some tracks
Poor mannered guests make me mean
I am a legend in the Redneck community, they call me Niller Bean
I sleep among the empty beer cans and potato chip bags
I fall asleep staring at my Rebel flag
When I go grocery shopping, it is scratch and dent all the way
The discount food game I know how to play
I grab a bag of Fritos and crush them, then use a black marker and write crushed 
on the outside
Every week I take the grocery store on my discount ride
I do these tactics where I can't be seen
I sign my credit card receipt as Niller Bean
People call me crazy, I am just misunderstood
If you get to know me, you will see, my intentions are good
Now I am Jammin' to some Patsy Cline
Women call me a pig, I prefer the term swine

Details | Ballad | |


On the outer Paroo where most septics are few 
And the outhouse has still pride of place; 
Poor old Toby McPhee worked a small property 
With his son and his darling wife Grace. 
When the milking was due and the harvesting too, 
His son Fred seemed to just disappear. 
Though they looked everywhere this bewildered old pair 
Found no trace of their poor little dear. 
I've the paddock to plough and I need the boy now 
As the horses are harnessed and ready. 
Then he saw the smoke rise and to Toby's surprise; 
'Twas the outhouse that hid his young Freddy. 
"So the silly young bloke seems to fancy a smoke. 
Well I've just the right cure then for him." 
As he led the horse team Toby's eyes gave a gleam 
And the lazy lad’s future looked dim. 
He then hooked the team to the log skids on the loo, 
While the slack was worked out of the chain. 
With the reins in his hand he then gave the command 
And both horses then took up the strain. 
Poor young Fred he was perched on the seat when it lurched, 
Though soon ended up down on the floor. 
With Fred's pants 'round his knees Toby heard his wild pleas, 
But he goaded his horses some more. 
The lad's fag hit the pan and a fire soon began 
With the paper and sawdust alight. 
Then the skids hit a hollow and what was to follow 
Was one hell of a horrible sight. That pan flew in the air and though Fred crouched in 
All the angels they must have been out. 
For the team in a trot had sent airborne the lot 
And the contents were scattered about. 
Toby's lungs out of air he then reined in the pair 
And the curing had come to a close. 
Fred emerged from the door looking terribly sore, 
While the pong was quite strong on the nose. 
When there's work now to do on the outer Paroo 
Our young Fred McPhee's work is  hectic. 
For he saves all his dough, but it's not for smokes though, 
As their place is now going septic. 

Details | Ballad | |

What I Like In A Man

What I Like In A Man

I like my eggs over easy and my steak a little rare,
Tight Wrangler jeans and my kinky blonde hair,
I like holdin' hands and 'pitchin' woo'.

I like barrel racin' horses, My pick-up truck,
And all night lovin' ain't never too much!
But when it comes to what I like in a man...I like you!

I like the way you look at me
        I like the way you let me be me
                I like the way you hold me tight
                        And say you love me all through the night!

I like talkin' to my mama on the telephone,
She always knows when somethin's wrong,
And she never tries to tell me what to do.

I like the wind when it blows, walkin' naked in the rain,
Hearin' George Strait on the radio drives me insaine
But when it comes to what I like in a man...I like you!

~by deborah burch

Details | Ballad | |


Im in prison for commiting a crime taking things that were not mine, i went out into the general public, and stole things from a random subject. I hold up my hands and take the blame, my picture in paper to add to my shame. I realise now i went about it all wrong, ill explain it all within this song. I should have worn a suit to work, commited my crimes with a smirk. For id have the right as a civil servent, my squeaky clean image and smell of detergent. Oh how id laugh at the publics expence, the poor,the peasents,the holiday tents. While back inside my gentlemens club, caviar,chianti and tax payers grub. Sit smoking cigars by an open fire, swopping stories of our selfish desires. "I gave five pounds to a charity today, then claimed it back within my pay" "I claimed straws for my childrens party, then more money to dress them smartly" "I claimed for a jag in case the other breaks down, then for another to potter round town" "Well when the wife fell down the stairs, i claimed thousands just for the repairs!" "I claimmed a thousand just for one shoe, then another five thousand for a rent boy or two". Raise the taxes! Theres not enough, public funds to buy our stuff. My ducks need a house, a one that floats! And i need money to dredge my moat! I need a taxi to take me ten yards! To see my neighbour and play charades Then baffle the public with a few choice words and change the subject,declare war on the kerds But i wouldn't be breaking any rules, these are important political tools. So the motto of the story is i should have listined in school! Instead im sat here on this prison stool.........

Details | Ballad | |


"I'll have a sip of beer my dear," 
The wife would always say. 
 I was not one for sharing see, 
She knew that anyway. 
The sharing wasn't my concern, 
But would I have enough? 
To see me through the whole weekend; 
Her friends thought I was tough.  
"Now if you want a beer," I'd say, 
"Why don't you let me know; 
 I'll  buy a little extra then,  
Yes while I'm on the go." 
No, she would wait 'til Sunday 'arve, 
When I was on the lounge. 
Then when the game had just begun, 
She started on the scrounge. 
"I'll have a sip of beer my dear," 
Which sent me off my head. 
"You should have told me Friday 'arve, 
So drink some tea instead." 
"You're mean," she'd say, "and selfish too, 
You never want to share, 
I feel that you don't love me dear  
Or even seem to care." 
It was the same old story line 
When ev'ry Sunday came. 
She knew I would not share my beer, 
Though asked me all the same. Then came a weekend I recall 
That had been very hot. 
Seems all the beer I'd brought on home 
I'd drunk the flamin' lot. 
The footy match was not much fun 
No, not without a beer, 
When from the kitchen came that voice, 
"I'll have a sip my dear." 
"You know I've got none left," I said, 
Sarcasm in my tone. 
"Then may I have this one?" she asked, 
"Left sitting on its own." 
She'd  somehow found another beer, 
I couldn't believe my eyes. 
"You've Buckley's chance!" I yelled at her 
And ran to claim the prize. 
She pleaded, "May I have a sip? 
I told you it was there." 
"No way!" I cried and sculled it down, 
She whinged it wasn't fair. 
The awful taste it hit me then, 
My face went rather white, 
And laughing with a dev'lish grin 
She thought it quite a sight. 
She'd found an empty stubby there 
And filled it to the brim, 
With soap suds from the washing up, 
My lot was rather grim. 

My greed had been my downfall mate; 
She'd fin'ly found a way  
Of teaching me what sharing meant, 
Revenge was hers that day. 

Details | Ballad | |


There were wolves, coyotes and wildcats:
all fighting for supremacy in vast grasslands,
but envy made them greener than grass and harder than rock...
trying to break up the alliance between the rabbit and the fox.

Morning came without delay as light shone on the dusky, sea-weeded reefs; 
they silently gathered behind the tallest weeds resembling hungry beasts,
hoping they'd pass by and entrap them and have a meal...
and they waited many hours to make that imagined kill.

How could they outsmart a rabbit with his agility
and a fox with his shrewdness? Their plot had to have ingenuity
to make them fall for that something they desperately craved...
and what was it they were looking for? Was it flesh they desired? 

These two harmless animals looked out for each other ,
any unfamiliar sound or noise would make them shiver
and alarm them to keep a sharp eye on anything that moved...
even a gecko climbing rocks would would make them feel awkward.

And the shy rabbit and the sly fox gave a hint to hunters,
pointing where they were hiding:  in the shade of poison oaks;
not knowing that they would have a mad rash so unexpected...
they ran chased by a dozen of dogs as the rabbit and foxed reveled.

The wolves, coyotes and wildcats vowed revenge, if they ever escaped;
no rabbit or fox would survive in their territory...if they were found
snoozing under the shady wildflowers or on the top of logs:
they'd surely be the perfect treat for their growling stomachs! 

The rabbit and the fox finally enjoyed their freedom and loyalty
by planning a more effective strategy despite fret or calamity.

Details | Ballad | |

bad childrens storys

humpty dumpty sat on a wall
when he knew his big butt was going to fall
why did he even get up there at all
a round guy on a tiny ledge
so he fell off and crack his head 
now humpty dumpty is just scrambled eggs

jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of ,yea right
that boy did;nt follow her just for water that night
i think he cause they had a fight
you know what it sounds like to me  
like he was just working on a strategry
another little love story ending up in tradergdy

old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to get her poor dog a bone
now why did she go there knowing her cubbards were bare 
and she didnt have  any food of her own
instead of wasting time looking on the shelf
she should let the dog go and fend for himself

but my favorite is the three little pigs
now here  a story that i can really dig 
even though the big bad wolf blew thier house down
 those little pigs still stood their ground
kinda like red riding hood did 
when that wolf tried to diguise himself
 in her grandmothers wig

 we tell these story to our kids
just like our parents and their parents did
we add our own words in from time to time 
putting a whole new view on nursery rymes
as we lose ourself in the stories we often wonder why
because we know in real life fairy tales are just a lie

Details | Ballad | |

The Day of The Quote Wars

My Friend John 

The Day (of the Quote Wars)

The Day was gray with wisps of smoke, like fog upon the ground
The carnage lied in heaps piled high, void of any sound
A single figure stood that day, solemn in the field,
The enemy fought bravely, but found they had to yield
They fired fast a volley, then, tried to hold their line
And each one to the very last, Defeat was all they'll find
They came with much munitions, taken from their shelves
Armed with acquisitions, building libraries for themselves
With words upon their lips and volumes in their hands
They started posting Quotes, that's when the War began

It was on a summer’s day, that the voices came to battle
We heard the slamming of huge volumes and the pages start to rattled
There was Emerson and Keats, Will Rogers and Mark twain
Neither knew defeat, nor could have felt the pain
Quotes were launched at him, design to cut him down
But Sebastian fired back with something more profound
They quoted every author, from eloquent to sublime
But The Quotes that Sebastian used, were so much more refined
They thought to quote from Philosophy, Theology and Science
They quoted away, most the day, while Sebastian stood defiant.
When the fiery missiles stopped, one man stood firm and smiled
Sebastian Fate had Won,”The Day” by quoting Oscar Wilde

Details | Ballad | |

Who Is Facing Whom

This story is best told when shadows fall,
And better yet, if you can dim the light.
It speaks to hidden fears found in us all;
The kind of fear that raises hairs upright.

The way it goes, the woods once held a beast
Who lived to tear his victims limb from limb,
And then upon them delicately feast;
The sheriff of this took the view most dim.

He gathered up the town folk in a group
And handed them a badge shaped like a spear;
‘We must creep in, our monster not to spook.
Let’s make no noise, there’s naught but fear to fear.’

The sheriff’s men, and yes, some ladies too,
Stayed tight together as they started out;
Determined now, and sure of what he knew,
The sheriff rode in front, then came about.

He said ‘now men, I’ll make my stand back here;
You know, these beasts are known to rear attack.
Remember what I said about the fear,
And don’t forget, I’ve always got your back.’

The towns folk muttered softly in their hands,
The sheriff was well known for selfish rules;
Of course, they wished to safeguard life and lands;
But how to rid themselves of spineless fools.

They whispered to each other as they searched;
The plan was hatched with cunning and with guile.
The sheriff was to be the victim perched;
His limbs would satisfy the beast a while.

They marched ahead, renewed with vigor strong;
The sheriff was amazed at this new speed.
Some part of him admitted to his wrong,
But leaning down, put spurs to faithful steed.

Then just like that, the group had circled round
And came upon the monster in his lair;
They whipped themselves from rear to face around,
Which put the sheriff back in front up there.

The sheriff suffered not a little bit;
The monster did not pause to ask him please.
The ladies feigned to watch, it was not fit;
Then all the group returned to their surcease.

So if you are a sheriff and must ride,
Advice is offered here, in fact it looms.
The rear may prove to be the front at times;
It merely rests on who is facing whom.

Details | Ballad | |

Let's Talk, Turkey

While a roaming in the gloaming
many years ago,
with steps so jerky I met a turkey
swaying to and fro.

Now being lonely and awfully homely
I hoped that by a chance
my new found friend might help me end
my lowly social stance.

I looked at him so sleek and slim
and he smiled kind of smirky.
So I said as my heart bled,
“C’mon, let’s talk, turkey.”

He spoke not never and I so clever
just couldn’t figure him out.
Maybe he’s mad or maybe just sad
and I started to moan and pout.

His eyes now gleamed and it made me steam
to see such an elegant bird
sitting so high with a sneer in his eye
and uttering not a word.

Now Thanksgiving was coming and I was slumming
and going to have hot dogs again.
I thought t’would be nice to have turkey and spice
with a little dressing mixed in.

So to home I did run and fetched out the gun
and was quickly back on the scene.
"Now let's talk, turkey," I said kind of smirky.
Quoth the turkey, "How ghastly mean!"

Well that broke the ice for the turkey was nice
and we talked for an hour or so.
And when he said bye I thought I would cry
for I didn't want him to go.

Then my good old temptation sent up this sensation
of never again seeing my friend.
The gun it seemed bigger but I still pulled the trigger
and brought my poor friend to an end.

Then I thought, as likely as naught,
my friend feels bad about dieing
for as he had fell he had made my heart swell
because he was steadily crying.

Now he is dead and my heart is like lead
and my brain feels kind of malicious
but I won't forsake it because my mom baked it
and the white meat was just delicious.

Details | Ballad | |

old harold and the moon's echo

4am sunday morning they broke into song
unable to contain their smiles
they cast aside the spent wine
and took their ribald song to the streets
with a fanfare of sound and light
like jesters of old
they painted smiles on the frowning old men
and placed rainbows over the bridges between
the carpets of the mighty and the halls of fable

by 5am they had made it all
the way in to the center of town
where a roadblock of uniforms thought to make sense
out of tealeaves and mint cookies
as the jesters just dance around their confusions
between their orders and
what the truth of the heart tells em is the song
and then we see the ugly show a pretty eye to the cause
as it marches in through the double dawn
one dawn for the sun
the other for the hearts of the lonely
and a secret one for me and her
in our lounge chairs by the top of the spike hill
kissing our sweet hearts to eachother

by 10am all but the most die-hard had fallen to dreaming sweetly
neath the juniper trees
while thouse few who clung to awakened hearts
sang softly and sweetly
of summer nights and fresh loves
unearthed from the ashes of the desperate pasts
all things made anew from all the things made old

by sunday evening
we had all danced all the dances
and kissed all the kisses till even the heat of passion couldn't fade
held eachothers hands
and smiled sweetly like memory's saying fare thee well till morrow
i would be crazy if it weren't for your hand in mine
here in the tropical sundown

sunday night so deep
and the only one left dancing is old harold
he's doing the charleston with the moon's echo on the waves of the sea
don't think he's ever been so happy
and as i drift off to sleep
with her in my arms
i know that i don't need to explain to anyone
that we are all jesters looking for a
song to dance to at 4am in the tropics

Details | Ballad | |

When I was growing UP!

When I was growing up I WAS a ninja turtle
When I was growing up my cry could make blood curdle

When I was growing up I loved race cars
When I was growing up I believed in Star Wars

When I was growing up I played with toys
When I was growing up I kicked it with the boys

When I was growing up girls had cuddies
When I was growing up my fights were beauties 

When I was growing up I made a big mess
When I was growing up I cheated on my tests

When I was growing up parents were mean
When I was growing up I was never very clean

When I was growing up I did crazy things
When I was growing up I wanted wings

When I was growing up I colored in the lines
When I was growing up I destroyed the blinds

When I grew up I realized it was fun
Now I apologize for what I have done!  

Details | Ballad | |













Details | Ballad | |


Some think that happiness is having lots of things,
I dispute your mundane point of view and come Christmas Eve,
I would like to ride my sleight and be Santa for a night...
but I would need the fastest reindeers, not four wheels;
and down dark chimneys, I would quietly slide and soon leave
through the front door like a thief who's getting away in dim light.

I had better not see some of you peak behind a door,
you must be fully asleep, otherwise no presents at all;
I fear that not many will heed what I am saying and to those 
kids listening: more gifts I'll put under their fireplace,
but to the ones who are disobedient, nothing I will give!
Hurry to bed and make those wishes and in me believe! 

I hear someone giggling, not taking me seriously when I fantasize,
and just because I have a beard and white hair like your grandpa does,
it doesn't mean I am not fit to ride as a young man can and be on time...
tonight nothing can stop me from being Santa for a night: 
I must hurry and load my sacks on this sleight and riding away!
Look! I am riding over towns and cities, mountains and seas...I will arrive!

No evening has ever been so quite, every street  is buried in deep snow,
lampposts twinkle replacing the invisible lovely stars, only owls eyes glow...
ah, its a ghost town before midnight...usually kids stay out late and have snow fights!
Ah, slick children they are hiding behind windows with eyes as bright as lights! 
But feeling their little anxious hearts beat, I shouldn't be as hard as a rock...   
all this lonely, old man desires is to wish all Happy Holidays and be Santa for a night!

Details | Ballad | |

Halloween Then and Now

The child I was, so long ago Knew not of Halloween. The sweet treats that are now bestowed By me were never seen. The preacher at our church denounced Halloween as evil. Celebrating it, he said, was Honoring the devil. Of course there always were the teens Who parked buggies on barns And tipped over the outhouses On the neighboring farms. Some of these were brothers of mine, Just wanting to have fun. Daddy sent them to atone for All of the mischief done. Halloween now finds me ready With a big bowl of treats To hand to the children coming, Just looking for some sweets.
By: Joyce Johnson with 4ft-3 ft.meter, Ballad style. Written for contest "Halloween Fun" won a 3rd

Details | Ballad | |


to know, duh, it is not knowing, 
duh...searching out a memory, duh, it was right there
to know, duh

Details | Ballad | |


Laugh when you cry
Dance when you mourn
Fight when you make peace
Fly when you can’t jump
Call a fool Solomon
Put on your clothes when you take a shower
Work and never ask for your wages
How about planning to steal from a police station
A monkey and an angel getting married
What about saying thank you to an atm machine after dispensing you cash
Imagine an elephant falling in love
And a bamboo tree dancing
It’s a crazy world
Even mental people rule over countries
A world where the foolish rule over the wise
Isn’t it funny how intelligent people become servants to the supposedly never do wells
Why do good girls love bad boys?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Some bad people even live longer than good ones
Messy divorces leave you wondering if there was ever love
Crazy when you see a husband beating a wife almost to death 
Again I wonder why getting married
Gosh why bother
Take a stroll
I assure you there is plenty madness everywhere
It’s called the upside down world.

Details | Ballad | |


One night a man said to his son your friend is really sick
The child pondered this and asked can he be fixed

It isn’t as simple as that my boy
Why he’s not a doll or a simple toy

Secondly the child pondered what was the matter
Stomach swelling and cerebral contusions from a Horrible clatter 

A drunk man going home one eve
Didn’t mind help or watching his speed

So he was just in the wrong place
The boy was young and chase

A bruise was all the drunk man suffered and mental grief
Now the boys friend now enjoys a painless Eternal sleep

A grown man one day entered a grave yard and promised
A point that he nearly missed

The point of is statement was that he would never let a man do this
So he set about securing himself as a prohibitionist

The young man accomplished a good many laws indeed
Until he found that a drink was all he would  need

He got sick, ill rather more like a severe headache
Aspirin was out of stock and if not treated could result in a state

So he new that a drink would thin his blood to relieve pain
That was against his word, promise, and his claim!

So he did! Later found out that drink saved him
He had a blood clot in the brain would have slain him

He sought to utilize his skills to bring back alcohol use
Though not to over exceed or abuse

He won his endeavor with prohibition and drank responsibly
Taking away keys and driving licenses to the weak and wobbly

Though that man thinks of his friend he can’t take back his factions
Every night asks forgiveness for this transaction


Details | Ballad | |

Woods, great place to hide from bullies

Beneath the soil lay our roots
Multi-legged insects walking on moss
Working hard to get the fruits
Like lost souls running to the cross
Or hungry new army recruits
With no care of profit or loss

We are the bugs
Commission on narcotic drugs
Watch as we steal the rain
Plants are ruining our brain

We feast together in the swamp
The spiders just want to push us around
They see us and want to stomp
We hide under the ground
I’m here, no fear of the chomp
It’s our other way around

We are the bugs
Commission on narcotic drugs
Watch as we steal the rain
Plants are ruining our brain

One day I hope it will change
The flower tell us one day
Not to far gone to rearrange
Apex of the sun’s way
Move to the balkan mountain range
Rather than be part of the buffet

We are the bugs
Commission on narcotic drugs
Watch as we steal the rain
Plants are ruining our brain

Details | Ballad | |

The Boulder

The Boulder
The anchor ripped through the seabed, lurching and banging trying to get a grip,
Dragged forward at a pace, cutting grooves in the sand under, the belly of the ship.
The anchor locks on to a great rock, knocking part of its shoulder,
The loose rock rolls on down the side; in fact it is a boulder.
The new boulder comes to rest on the bottom of the sea,
Confused he looks all around and then realises - he is free.
Whoopee, this is great, he sits there looking, because his view has finally changed.
The boulder can’t believe his luck, to be free from the underwater range.
He rolls around as the waves push forward bits, being knocked slowly from him.
Many years down the line, he his is getting really quite thin.
A great storm hits the sea one day, and lifts the rock high in its swirling waves,
It pitches him so high and so far the rock himself cannot save.
He is belched out at the end of the storm, and for the first time land, he does see.
‘Oh wow this is great,’ he say’s to the shell he finds next to him, as he rolls to a stop gently.
This sun is hot how cool is that?, I’ve never seen anything like it, I really think its grand.
The shell looks at the rock and asks “Do you really like this sand?”
Just then a toddler walks on by, a bucket in his hand, he scoops the rock and shell up in a shovel full of sand. 
Well is bit annoying the rock says, it’s getting in my bits,
Well you look quite smooth to me, the shell declared, trough his shell-like lips
And don’t worry to much, the shell said his voice sounding near to tears
Because that sand is us- in about a thousand years.

Details | Ballad | |

The Whiskey Ballet

Once in a while when we fall down
Rarely ever is there anybody else around
To take all of our sorrows and misery away
We seem to suffer to our dying day
A maelstrom of voices swirl through our heads
A bunch of mixed up words from what people said
Saying that this is what life is about
But this ain't what I want and that I don't doubt
I'm drowning the bad thoughts deep in my brain
I'm gonna slam a 60-pound and flush my mind away
I'll wake up in a ditch or in my bloody grave
The ballad of the whiskey ballet
It's cheaper for a bottle than a stinkin' bar
Where all the blasted bastards and the ditchpigs are
I like to drink alone with no one else around
I drink all I want on my own slammin' ground
I don't need someone telling me that I'm being too damned loud
I don't need anyone treating me like a drunk and foolish clown
I'll just turn around and belch into whomevers face and
waltz away on my own cloud by my own staggering pace
I'll be belching and mumbling,kicking and stumbling
puking and yelling,going to Hell andfighting and bleeding
The world will take heed and crashing and crawling
to the ballad of the whiskey ballet!!

Details | Ballad | |

The charge of the heavy mob

Half price sale, half price sale’
Half price sale today.
Into the town centre on a bus 
Rode those to be plundered.
Forward the crowd as it swayed
“Charge on your card! The cry
Into the town centre to shop
Rode those to be plundered

Shoppers to the right of them
Shoppers to the left of them
Shoppers all in front of them
Brolly and handbag drawn, at bargains 
They wondered.
Storming the shelves they yelled
On to the tills they fell
Into the jaws of debt
Into the hardest sell
Charged those that were plundered

Where are the deals they made?
Oh how they did some trade
All the town wondered 
Would bill’s ever be paid
In the homes of those
That were plundered.

Charlie Milne 2008

Thank you and sorry, Lord Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892), 

A great poet from a time of the greatest poets.

Details | Ballad | |

EEK a Vampire

An eerie cry the wind did make
In a darkened lonely place
Haunting silence it did break
This ghastly whitened face
All its life and color gone
A once real human being
Had all its blood there withdrawn
By a ghastly vampire thing!
All the people there in the town
The doctor and the priest
Batted every window down
Against this scary beast
Finally when the morning came
And when the dark had turned to day
This vampire was not the same
It’s only night they act this way!

Details | Ballad | |

Drinkin Buddies

Pour a shot for me, pour a shot for you.
Swallow down, so quick is the liqueur.
You recoil in pleasure, it tastes good.
Set it up again, time to put up another two.

You think about forgetting the pain,
But your just making it all worse.
Slowly, slowly the picture gets dizzier,
Good judgement goes down the drain.

You love the crown, and he does his job,
Making you feel heavy then ultra light.
Words mind as well be backwards,
And all your thoughts, so many, he did rob.

You look at each other, sloppily thinking,
And you remember what you did forget.
Unsure if the other is feeling the same way.
Look away, wondering, both keep drinking.

F- it! You slow melt into the way it was.
Sooo goooood, but oh soooo baaaaadddd!
The restraint clock is over, time to give in,
You're already too far, no stop, no pause.

Tricky is the soundtrack, intense is the play.
Between are you two, crazy is this game.
Long, amazing, wishing it could last forever,
But you doubt it, you wake sober the next day. 

Was so much fun, and it was much shattering.
Again, you are so weak, you shake your head.
Your foolishness, your eyes drawn asunder.
But so much more then one night of smattering. 

You part, intense attraction you have to ignore,
But so comfortable and also so careless.
You try not look over you shoulder at the other.
Never again... Hell, till they put up two more.

Details | Ballad | |

"Michelle & Mookey"

Mookey and Michelle were lovers                           
Oh, how they could love                              
they were faithful until something went wrong                                                             
he loved her, but something is wrong                        

Michelle Is a good wife to him                               
that’s what he said                                                    
spent 50 dollars to by her man a picture                          
he loved her, but something is wrong	           

Michelle called his cousin                               
Just to see if he was there                                             .
said: brother-in-law,Has my baby been here?                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                    

“you are a good wife and I don’t lie,                            
I won’t lie to you,he stayed with some girl he left this morning  
the gal is Tiffany Jones                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle went down to the bar                                     
Didn’t go to drink                                                         
underneath her shirt she carried a nine-milli gun                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                           

Michelle looked over the car to see if he was there                                                    
there was Mookey on the stool holding Tiffany’s hand                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle stooped down beside the car   
Pop ,pop ,pop ,pop four shot let out
Right through the door
he loved her, but something is wrong

The first two hit Mookey
She heard him yell out in pain
The third one hit Tiffany in the leg
There were two new faces in hell
he loved her, but something is wrong
“Oh, it hurt, he yell
His left side was bleeding 
Her left leg bleeding
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle looked out the jailhouse
To see the beautiful life.
She could see the birds flying, she could hear them sing
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle said to the sheriff, “What is my punishment? ”
Sheriff said, “Michelle,It’s the electric chair for you”
he loved her, but something is wrong

This story is crazy but true,that shows that it is true
When people say men ain’t no good
he loved her, but something is wrong

Details | Ballad | |





Details | Ballad | |

Baby Doll

When I was young, chic Baby Dolls were fun to dress and talk to.
To hope and dream with Baby Doll; those wishes would come true too.
What fun I had with Baby Doll; when she and I made just two.
That Baby Doll had clothes galore; and never did she have one chore.

She even had a car to drive; and the house we shared was so divine.
“When I grow up”, she made me wish “I’d really like to be one”.
My dream came true and I ‘m that doll I always longed to be;
But to those of you who think of dolls as mere objects of amusement;
You flirt, and say, “Hey Baby Doll”; then smile real big;
Your wide eyes filled with glee;

I cannot help it, if you think a toy is what you see;
So what I’ve learned to say real fast is,
 “don’t even think about playing with me”.

Details | Ballad | |

Let's Talk Shoes

Way back in 490 B.C. in a place called Marathon,                             
the Persians invaded Greece with forks and spoons.                    
The Athenians fought back with courage and bravery,              
warding off the no-good Persians back to the sea.   

A young lad, Phidippides, to announce the great victory   
then sprinted to Athens some fifty kilometers away.                        
There in the city's gate to the people he pronounced                         
“Nike, Nike!”, then promptly fell dead, unannounced.                       

Any joker versed in Greek mythology shall have known                      
that “Nike, Nike!” really means “We won, we won!”                         
But what I can’t quite figure out as I pace the floor                    
is what damn Reebok and Adidas really stand for!                                  

Details | Ballad | |


IF I was a monkey,lived in the zoo.
I swing from the vine,that what I would do.
But IM not a monkey,dont live in the zoo.
So I will drink my JACK DANIALS,give a toast to you.

If the ocean was whiskey,and I was a duck.
I swim to the bottom and never come up.
But the ocean not whiskey,and IM not a duck.
So I will play TEXES HOLDEM,and drink to my luck.

If a car dont roll over me,I will live till I die
If I die meet ST. PETER,at the gate.
If IM drinking my JACK DANIALS,he will have to wait.

JACK DANIALS,JACK DANIALS,cream of the crop.
IM going to drink my JACK DANIALS ,until the day that I drop
When I drop,fall flat on the floor.
IM going to pick my self up,and drink me some more.

Details | Ballad | |

A Tale From Old

this is a tale of which all men should know
It began in a time so very long ago.
A tale of one man's troubles and woe.
A prince fell in love; you may say "SO!"
His mother was angry but father was firm
Out into the land he must go, to learn.
Mother gave him money to hurry his return,
father took it back saying his way he must earn.
Early next morning to his mothers tears
he starts upon his journey with only his fears.
Frightened of a world unknown by his peers
First try at earning his bread are meet by jeers
He wanders through village and town,
slowly his spirit sinks to the ground.
He can't understand since he is to  wear a crown.
And can someone explain why everything is BROWN!
Then comes the morning to his surprise
simple jobs can he get, telling no lies.
Soon does he realize its easy to rise
Again on his way, beginning to get wise.
Finally one evening he enters the gate
glad to be home though it is quite late.
Rushing to his arms as if she can't wait
Is this really the woman he wished as a mate?
The moral is plain for us all to see
Each person must grow into what they can be.
Learning ourselves will cost us no fee.
Lean back; and think of this tale while drinking your tea.

Details | Ballad | |

epilogue to Walrus and Carpenter part II


So then Lion played on
    (though his five iron was gone)

'Cause he had lost it in the 'attack',

                                    of a Shark who had come

  to play through
                                   for he'd won

  all the tourney's on that
                                              Sea Tour to date,

  He had just finished his winning

                                              of the Gold Cup
                                    (while grinning),
                       the most prestigious award in the State,

and although Lion fought

Shark was not to be bought

   nor would his will be denied,

So he shot once again - an arrow
   (on hole number ten)

Yelling, "FORE" 
                             quite loudly, Shark cried,

  Well, the Lion got mad
                             (thinking Shark now, a cad),

So he took his five club

                                      and threw,

but the Shark simply laughed
                            and tapped on his Calf
  saying (under his breath),

                "Screw You"

"You should exit this course
 so I can play my friend, Horse,
Stop wasting my time
  You Big Fatty!!!"

  and he rode 
                   right on by
  to the next hole
                   (with a sigh)
and asked for  the putter
                  from his caddy...

At this Lion said, "Later" 
     and while looking at Gator,

    "Let's go to the clubhouse
             for drinks"

      and they're still there today
     (though they can't really play)

     On those phastasical
     Sea Worthy Links...

Details | Ballad | |


Verse I

Don't ask for presents
and check your stockings
hanging by the fire place where the log crackles;
you are in for a big surprise this quite evening:
kids, dance with Santa on snowy Christmas's Eve...
put on the best smile and hear the reindeer's bells!


Kids, dance with Santa and swing your legs and arms 'till you fall;
jump up, go around once, stop, jump up, go around twice,
until his tired feet ache and you laugh at his funny groans! 
Get the hang of it, dance with him he's so nice...
hold on, stay on the dance floor...see Santa's belly bounce! 
Kids, dance with Santa and sing a lovely carol!

Verse II

Don't complain like grouches, and tell him he's another chubby Grinch;
he is a different kind of Santa...he doesn't bring any expensive gifts!
Oh, no Santa is not stingy, just the oldest messenger of good cheers; 
you may be disappointed a lot, but please don't tarnish his image!
He came here to teach you the new Christmas dance with rhythm;
watch his steps and learn to dance within the allowed range! 

I don't like those long faces, kids dance with Santa on this Christmas Eve;
you'll forget about your presents wouldn't want to leave!

Entered in Deborah Guzzi's Holiday Songs In Poetry Form. Style: Moderate Rock Ballad.
I will set my song to music and publish it next year. I doesn't have a melody to be sung
Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Ballad | |

epilogue to Walrus and Carpenter


4:forty 4 in the a.m. scene
   and I had been awakened by 
          the strangest of dreams:

     of an overdressed Lion,
                                          and Gator
And tales
                    of their peculiar golfcart

                    that was actually

two young whales,

  who would swim them around
  from each island and towne

while they both gorged upon snails...

Now, this twosome 
                            (I'm told)
did become very bold. 
  as they chided and ordered
                            these blowholes...

and while missing the goal
  (on each green, and each shoal)

would dig the sweet clams
  of each sand trap...

and then they'd partake
(with some lemon, and cake)

   leaving a trail of dead
                                shells by the golf map,

Said the Lion to He
                               that was all scale E:
                           "It's your shot, cause I'm closer 
                                                                       to Home"
                               so the Gator
                                                        (It's said)
                                    did square up his head
                             And swung 
                             while on his cell phone

                              to a blabbering Yak
                                     who had stopped 
                                            for a snack

                               of a thick shake
                                      and Cheesey
                                                   Big Mac...



Details | Ballad | |

Sir Lancelot and the four Knights

Lancelot left his friend sir kay snoring
Took his garment and he wore
He rode into the woods singing
He saw a glade and the quartet as they swore

The quartet,loitering in power thought it was sir kay

Sir Sagramour charged at lancelot, they clashed
Lancelot stood and was down in disgust
Ector carelessly proceeded to him, but was slashed
The third,Sir Uwaine panicked, he looked in distrust

with the failure of othershe was encourage to play

He moved, lancelot knew him well he fell like an eagle
Finally Sir Gawaine clashed with lancelot Gawaine's spear melted
His horse reversed upside down and he fell into the jungle
The four Sirs condoled them selves until they discovered.

It was lancelot not Sir Kay, the knight full of sorrow couldn't rise up from the clay

Details | Ballad | |

Kissing allow in the US of A

By the Hollow tree and washingtion by the cherry tree
and God by the red candy apple tree, at the affair the
country affair, the kissing booth at the country affair that
is, and in Paradise someone roll the dice and kissing
allow in the good old usofa

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His name is Jane S the hot dog man

His name is Jane S, that is the hot dog man, Morals or survial
Mac Nation, creation, the hot dog man, are hot dogs for
everyone, Mac Nation, creation, morals morals surivial Mac
Nation Creation Surivial Mac Nation the Hot dog man is here
Moral Jane S that is,  the Hot Dog man Mac Nation Creation

Details | Ballad | |

Calculative Cupid

To greet the day, the sun does rise
overrun with golden flames.
To my surprise, that centered sphere
has a thing for slender dames.

His solar slopes descend on her
but a yard from where I sat.
He found for me a single point,
and acute young girl at that.

She sported quite a quadrant fair,
parabolic hips and chest;
and though she too thought I was fine,
I derived her somberness.

Perhaps our origin would bring
disappointment to her folks;
her bottled sobs did soon subtract,
and in tears, she softly spoke:

"Parental factors intervene;
our equation can't be solved."
I kissed her puckered sinusoids:
"but our bond will not dissolve.

Your father's but a variable,
and I know, with time, he'll change.
Don't fret--we're bound by constant love;
his approval's in my range.

It matters not where we may lie,
here amongst this earthly plane;
two points are always linear,
and a pair of hearts won't wane!"

Details | Ballad | |

Louise- a community effort-please add to!

swinin' in he trees
hardly aware
of the summer breeze

be careful what you show-
I didn't have to know
my dear Louise-
that you wear BVD's

did I hear you sneeze?
has such great exertion
brought you
to your knees?

dear, tell me if you please-
why you feel you must-
be such a darn ol' tease?

"here's an'udder...
one of deez..(Brooklyn talk)
my lovely girl Louise
again you're on your knees
this time intent to please

my dearest, dearest friend-
I'm so  heart-broken
to have to tell you-
my sweet lovely Louise
that we have discovered
you're infested with lots of fleas

watch out in the trees!
that pine-cone
that you thought it was..
turns out a hive of bees!

my special one, my friend...
I'll bet you are unique
in all the 7 seas

you gotta come down now-
a letter you have received
seems the "Louise Rhyming Club"
has not received their fees...

come on now!
you listen with great ease..
but do little but say
"oh, my, oh my, oh Jeeze...."

Louise-dear girl it's time to eat-
so get down from the trees-
we have your favorite cheeze!

come down, right now, this instant!
for our door got locked somehow
and I can't get in without you-
because my dear Louise-
you are the only one...
who has the Louise keys....

so get started folks!  let's make this the first whole community project!!
regards, and Smile! God dang it!!

Details | Ballad | |

Cinderella Renewed

Excitement arose everywhere
Beautiful looked our Cinderella
But her stepsisters were their too
And their was no match for Isabella

The prince walked in the room
His eyes fell on Isabella
He asked her for a dance
And not our Cinderella 

Soon the news spread through the kingdom
Prince and Isabella were to marry, no pretend
But then something happened
The prince chose Cinderella instead!

on the marriage day, bells rang
Ella and prince were coupled
But prince looked so fourlorn and sad
As though he had just been crumpled

And as the carriage went, people wondered
What was it, that had dejected him
But we know the truth, that
Cinderella had a revolver to torture him! 

Details | Ballad | |

His name is Jane S the hot dog man

His name is Jane S, that is the hot dog man, Morals or survial
Mac Nation, creation, the hot dog man, are hot dogs for
everyone, Mac Nation, creation, morals morals surivial Mac
Nation Creation Surivial Mac Nation the Hot dog man is here
Moral Jane S that is,  the Hot Dog man Mac Nation Creation

Details | Ballad | |

Sesame Street Buns

The casting crew look at you and their minds go in the gutter 
If you knew their thoughts, it would make you shudder 
Ernie feels left out without his rubber ducky 
Big Bird believes he can lay eggs, he tells himself maybe tonight I will get lucky 
You strut around with your Daisy Dukes to tan in the sun 
Every sees your exposed Sesame Street buns 
Go visit Maria, she has the fix it shop 
Visit oscar and revel in his slop 
Mr. Hooper allows you to run a tab in his General Store 
Snuffleupagist with a snozz like that, I bet he really snores 
Now you have a date with Louise in apartment 101 
He is salivating as he thinks about your Sesame Steet buns 
Watch out J-Lo you have a rival from the backside 
Dirty thoughts cause men to approach a non Catholic Priest to confide 
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new number one 
Hang your head in shame J-Lo the one on Sesame Street has the best buns 
The Count counts the votes over and over all day long 
Bert is on steroids, now he's strong 
Get to the church, the wedding has just begun 
Grover is marrying the one with the Sesame Street buns 
Hearts are broken, she is no longer in the singles scene 
Cookie Monster covers his depression with cookies and cream 
Within a month they are divorced 
Not surprised, they are celebrities of course 
She is now used goods, everyone is stunned 
J-Lo moves in to the neighborhood to claim the title of Sesame Street buns

Details | Ballad | |

I Can Finally Drive

My bicycle days are through 
Please help me spread the news 
I no longer have to be a 32 year old hermit 
Mom and Dad got me my permit 
I just bought a car that seats 5 
Thanks to my parents I can finally drive 
Mom goes with me and my girlfriend out to eat 
Mom rides shotgun, my girl in the back seat 
While we are eating with live entertainment 
My girlfriend expresses how she doesn't like the car's seating arrangement 
So my mom drives and my girl is shotgun 
Now I am the lonely one 
We drop off my girlfriend and I ask my mom to remove the knife 
She says stop complaining, now you can drive 
The next night my Dad goes out with me and my buds 
We want to sit back and suck down a few suds 
Not on my watch, my Dad says 
My night out with the buds was disastrous 
After one beer, my Dad says you are too drunk to get behind the wheel 
He has no idea how this freedom of driving makes me feel 
My Mom and Dad are smothering me, my social life will never survive 
With them around, it look as if I will never truly drive 
Now it's Mom's turn to escort me, guess where we go 
My girl and Mom in the front seats, we stop at Domino's 
We all three sit in the car and wait for the pizza to get done 
Mom says no a/c, let's enjoy the sun 
I begin a waterfall of sweat 
Mom says look at you, you're all wet 
Mom asks for extra napkins when the pizza is delivered to the car 
Mom says tonight is Friday, let's park by the lake and enjoy the stars 
At the lake, I will drown myself, if I take a dive 
I am going back to the bicycle, I will never again attempt to drive

Details | Ballad | |


For hours I gaze at this see-through wall.
Eyes glued to sum picture there, like a television screen...
Thoughts speeding through my mind, as the seconds tick away the time...
When will the sky finally fall?
And will I ever be first in line? 
The images play out before me-
From sane to sick insanity.
Is this at all for real? Or is it just a dream?
If I can awaken from this sleep-
The next dream will be mine...
The question I'm still unsure of.
The answer is still, "I dunno."
The world is spinning backwards-
Its insides are out of control-
I realize now, 
I'm some ones favorite T.V. show....

Details | Ballad | |

Warehouse 317

320 has a great bunch working there
They show a lot pride they really care
I personally don't consider any of this work, to me it's all fun
Sweat already pouring from the Warehouse heat and the morning sun
Daine and Nathaniel welcome to a great team
We cover one another on tasks in Warehouse 317
We have the mother of all mothers coming our way soon
Enough fun coming to make you wanna bark at the moon
I am looking forward to the thirty thousand guests 
So let's wipe the sweat from our brows and make it look effortless
Monique is going to miss out on this great adventure, Zena is now the one caught in between
Local Purchase stop pulling your hair out, what a great place called Warehouse 317
There is Hezakiah handling the turn ins
He has to be careful and watch the NSN's
Glen handles the Turretts and parts to the shops
Without Wonda and Michael, the production stops
Gabrielle is the Goddess of the Hazmat
Shipping is now on cruise control with Doug there, but we all wear so many different hats
Jerry is the main director of this sometimes circus scene
Under our wonderful big top at Warehouse 317
A manager is only as good as her or his people allow them to be
I am thankful for all who I work with and my extended family 
I love where I work and I am so happy to come there every day
All this fun and very good pay
DRMO is handled by Elsa and Fred
This is where all the useless parts are sent
The Carpenter Shop has Jason
That is where they do the packaging and craten'
Tom runs the show at Container Ops
David is in charge of the Turrett Shop
The mechanics have the vehicles coming in and going out at a tremendous rate
The Shop Clerks keep the ordering and parts requirements up to date
Vehicles to be shipped, Motor Pool is on the scene
But it all starts at my favorite place, Warehouse 317
I am sorry if I missed anyone such as Tammy at Safety, or Miss Lilly at PBO
Overall the operations are under the direction of Rick and Joe
The Front Office Personnel answer the phone
Without them, there would be nobody home
The shipboard stuff handled by Wholesale
Shop's parts handled by Retail
I personally want to thank everyone for all they do
This place could not do what it does without me or you
So I am not trying to be rude or mean
But I must end the saga now, come visit us at Warehouse 317

Details | Ballad | |


Aye 'ee is fierce and hale.
Four mile to work,across the vale;
No slommakin' slattern 'ee,
Okkard as an itching flea.

Eee'd fetch hosses to boss's yard,
Garmed with mud,as thick as lard,
Cla'holt of 'em wiv a rope,
On is own,allus could cope.

Niver sees 'im vexed,or aggled,
Even if drenched and bedraggled;
In lightning 'e wore niver frit,
Though the whole sky wore fork-lit.

Grew peas that kidded well,
Allus 'ad a tale to tell.

Dialect from around Aylesbury Vale ,England in 1940's

Listen to me read this in this dialect on youtube under my pen name ichthyschiro

Details | Ballad | |





Details | Ballad | |

Tiny Little Baby.

Ten little fingers,ten little toes,
Tiny little eyes,and a cute little nose.
A little movement here,and a little kick there,
A sweet and tiny being,so handle me with care.
I know your feeling bigger,and I'm really truelly sorry,
Not long now,i'll be with you soon,so you don't have to worry.
Now don't forget to feed me,and I'd like a drink also,
I know we'll make it,just give it a while,and then we'll have to go.
I hope you got the nappies,and the powder and the cream,
I'm not particuarilly fussy,as long as it's not vasoline.
I really like the blue colour,the pink is pretty too,
I guess it's not my choice yet though,I know it's up to you.
A furry little bunny,or a cuddly teddy bear,
A bottle and a dummy,I'm sure that just seems fair.
Now don't forget to be ready,I'll try to let you know,
When I'm tired of this little cubby,cause then it's time to go.
Don't let those people hurt me,I'll do the best I can,
To come when you are ready,and the pain you cannot stand.
A few more pains,a push or two,or maybe three or four,
A little bit of ice and water,and then maybe even some more.
Oops,I think I'm ready,it's crowded now in here,
Just one more push,now don't be scared,there's nothing here to fear.
Aah,that's better,here I am,it feels so good outside,
I might even hang around a bit,as there's nowhere left to hide.

By Sharon.L.Leonard.  23rd,October,2007.

Details | Ballad | |


An enormous pole 
made of chrome 
A table set 
Steve, knew he was home 

With a tiny leather thong, 
he swung around, 
in a world he did belong, 
with the rythm of the sound 

Around he twirled, 
faster and faster 
The lights swirled 
He was the master! 

Stripclub Steve, 
a legend of his own making 
A master of the pole 
There was no faking, 
no by your leave 
To win! 
His only goal! 

Word spread... 
Far and wide 
Stripclub Steve 
To see him glide! 
Such dazzling skill! 
You would not believe! 

Now, there were championships to be won 
Stripclub Steve... 
A man on a mission 
A man with a loaded gun! 

How he twirled 
How he swirled 
The chrome gleamed 
The contest won? 
Or so it seemed 

But along came Desperate Annie 
A girl with a most beautiful fanny 
With her feminine charm, 
it filled steve with alarm! 

He tightened up his leather thong 
Carefully patted it all in place 
For this was the serious race! 
For this  Geordie lad... 
The prize was to be had 

So with an almighty effort of will, 
he grasped the chrome 
The crowd was still 
With a nod to the judges, 
the music commenced 
Stripclub  Steve was home, 
the trophy in the bag 
he sensed... 

With a twirl here 
and a twirl there 
The crowd gave an almighty cheer 
Stripclub Steve... 
Was on air! 

That chrome pole, 
touched his very soul 
It was in the bag 
He did his best 
Now it was up to the judges, 
if he had passed the test 

Two hundred hopefuls in town... 
One hundred and ninety nine girls 
Steve, the only man... 
The talent to unfurl... 
Could he take away the crown? 

Now, Stripclub Steve is a Geordie lad... 
There's prizes to be had 
He waited with bated breath 
Had he done enough to pass the test? 

A unanimous decision! 
Skill on the chrome! 
Our boy Steve, 
brought it home! 

So there it was... 
A legend in his own lifetime! 
The trophy raised above his head! 
With the crowd roaring, 
he ripped off his leather thong 
and sent it soaring! 
Upwards it flew... 
Like a leather bat 
Down it came 
and hit Desperate Annie, 
right in the twat! 

So let this be a lesson to all you blokes... 
Stripclub Steve, 
our man of the chrome 
Brought it home! 
So spare the jokes, 
read this and believe! 

Details | Ballad | |

Dear Poet, and A Genie Bottle

Dear Poet; knock,knock.
Who's There? Dr. Poet:
Dr. Poet Who???

Poetic Of Manthology,
I Grant You Three Wishes
Of Self-Indulgment.


TWO:) You And Me:

And THREE:)  A New Pen!

It's Truly Self-Explanitory
Don't You Think.....


Details | Ballad | |

Pork Skins

Some people eat them plain, some with hot sauce
They buy no matter what the cost
They have swept the nation, have become a craze
If not on the shelves, customers call it a disgrace
It is said that gluttony is a sin
But no one cares, they just want their pork skins
Someone said with soy sauce they are pretty good
A new flavor coming out soon, smoked over hickory wood
Try them with jalepeno and cheddar dip
KC Masterpiece may be the trick
So I say let the party begin
Can't have a party without pork skins
The skins finally arrive
The party comes alive
The girls flock around the designated potato chip bowl
They begin to fight over the contents, this party is way out of control
After the bruises, bloody noses and broken bones, the last one standing wins
For the victor comes the spoils, her own bowl of pork skins
This here was a limited time offer
The victor just happened to be a sailor's daughter
Keep in mind that we are from the south
We are extremely careful what kinds of food we put in our mouths
The stores just can't keep them on the shelves
If I could, I would have them all to myself
In Laura Ingalls' days they were served in a tin
Even Laura couldn't go without her pork skins

Details | Ballad | |

Boondocks Or Sticks

I went to visit Elroy, Emma, my nephew and niece
In a town where all residents are missing some teeth
The name of the town is Boondocks or Sticks
I finally arrive and am greeted by my nephew and niece, their names are Hominy 
and Grits
Boondocks falls in the state of Georgia and Sticks falls in the state of South 
The residents could not decide which name would be finer
The annual vote always ends in a split
I believe it will always be Boondocks or Sticks
This town has a single chair barbershop
The peppermint pole uses too many kilowatts
Last time it was used
It blew the transformer, the town was left with no power, dazed and confused
There are new rumors going around
A Dollar General is coming to this town
I wonder if I turned on the peppermint pole would the town\'s lights begin to flick
There is no other town like Boondocks or Sticks

Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Takes a Bride

Freddy the Fly,
Now back from the moon,
Noticed on his calendar,
That it was now June...

The wedding month,
thought our dear Freddy,
But a fly has a short life,
So then, before I'm dead,
I gotta' find a fly-wife!!

So Freddy flew
all abouts the world
Searching for,
the perfect fly-girl

Finally he was rewarded,
When Nicole Fly he did meet,
He got so excited,
He stepped on her fly-feet

But the attraction seemed mutual,
Like a fly to horse manure,
But when they did converse,
They both were very sure,

Freddy proposed his 
fly matrimonial hope,
Nicole said yes, let's
go elope....

But a wise Freddy the fly,
Did look her in the eye,
He knew she'd someday
Such a simple way to beget,

So he told her of his plan,
For the biggest fly-wedding
in all the land,

The solemn day came real quick,
A Sunday wedding, they did pick
And as it did unfold,
This story I was told,
He'd waited for her hand to hold,
To place on her fly-hand the ring gold,

Dressed in his little fly-tux,
Fly guests tried to hold their yucks,
And Nicole, in her fly gown,
Flew about, then up, then down,

To land on the fly-alter,
Not for a fly minute did she falter,
Said, "Yes, Fly Priest, I do!!...
And if's all the same to you.....
Would you get off my fly wedding cake,
It took so long for the fly-baker to make"

And Freddy's anxious to leave at once,
On a fly honeymoon, for sure,
But, alas, I almost forgot-
No "moon" in the honeymoon- no more!

For Freddy had eatten the romantic moon,
It tasted like sh_t, and it did ruin,
The moonlight for kissing was there no more,
So to fly-sleep they went,
and soon began to fly-snore.....

Now a Freddy Fly's snore is an event to behold,
At least as a fly-story, we've been told
Nicole , she couldn't sleep
As Freddy fly-snored deep,
She flew off and let the fly groom,
Wake up next fly-day to fly-gloom!

Details | Ballad | |

Pennywhistle Tune

Fried eggs on a sunny day,
white clouds in the hamper.
Dreamfully dozing dogs,
black kittens scamper.

Dim-witted clock alarm – 
nobody’s sleeping!
Morning’s a carousel
dipping and leaping.

See all the ants in line.
What say the roaches?
Beetles go soaring in
shiny black coaches.

School kids may all digress
skipping the sidewalk. 
Lawyer may lose his tongue,
judge climb a beanstalk.

Brown eggs and buttercups,
blue-starch the collar.
Moth-wings on sale today,
six pair a dollar.

Details | Ballad | |




Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Joins Captain Quark's Crew

Yes, the Mighty FlyShip Enter-Eyes,
It's five year mission,
To harrass picnics, kitchen trash pails,
and search for intelligent dung
in the universe.

Freddy, our famed Fly-Friend,
has joined Captain Quark,
and the other Fly-Men
To Fly Fly way above the Fly Sky,
In search of the aforementioned crap.
But Captain Quark used all his wits,
To keep them out of a Klingon trap.

See, Cause Klingons got their names,
From a fly trap incident in their fly games.
They coated a juicy looking planet of
With see through fly-paper from their sun
And when a Fly Ship did try to land
They found they had to "kling-On"
to the fly-paper strand.
Never to be free
For other Fly-Worlds to see.

This time he Fly-Beamed
Freddy down,
That poor doomed Fly-Clown.
They saw Freddy never-more.
"Stuck-up", he was for sure!!

Details | Ballad | |

Beer Money, Wine Taste

If you could read my mind you'd know that I'd never talk
And if I could stretch a mile you'd know that I'd never walk
But I've got to get up to go to work to my nine to five
To keep the pace in this rat race I have to survive
But this minimum wage pay will never help me out Lord
So I need more cause I want more than I can afford

Cause all my friends are driving Benz's and wearing expensive clothes
With bigger houses and finer foods so this is my status in quo

I've got beer money, I've got wine taste
Can you see it in my eyes, its written on my face
Give me this, give me that and I don't want to wait
But I've got beer money, I've got wine taste
And uh~ beer money, and uh~ wine taste
Always make me wanna haste but that leads to waste
So I'm praying for some patience and little more grace
With my~ beer money and my~ wine taste         (Chorus)

But my money and my patience's short, the line is long 
And when things start looking right in life what's left is wrong
I need extra strength this and I need fast relief that
Someone call western union hurry cause I need some cash
To pay my debts and all my bills, I'm planning to buy a lot
Because I'm always wanting something that I just don't got

Cause all my friends are driving Benz's and wearing expensive clothes
With bigger houses and finer foods so this is my status in quo

I've got beer money, I've got wine taste
Can you see it in my eyes, its written on my face
Give me this, give me that and I don't want to wait
But I've got beer money, I've got wine taste
And uh~ beer money, and uh~ wine taste
Always make me wanna haste but that leads to waste
So I'm praying for some patience and little more grace
With my~ beer money and my~ wine taste         (Chorus)

I need designer hats and jeans,
A limousine on the scene
To keep up with the Jones;
I need some precious stones.
I want to be in the spotlight
In restaurants day and night
With the means to these ends nonstop;
I wanna be filthy rich so I can shop.


Details | Ballad | |

Honey Wagon

It makes it's run in the afternoons Monday through Friday 
At 3pm it will be coming your way 
It's not a ride for all to enjoy 
It's mainly for the girls, just a few boys 
But one female's heart is draggin' 
Ms. Betty ponders the question I don't know why he won't give me a ride in the 
honey wagon 
The men that receive their ride know their ranking in the food chain 
First rule, men get in the back, sit down, shut up and don't be a pain 
A new girl started today, her name is Megan 
One of the guys has to go, to open a seat for her in the honey wagon 
When someone is not at the pick up area, the seat remains unoccupied 
For the men there is a lot of red tape to qualify for a ride 
Who will be the next guy with the right to be braggin' 
Fred wants to know when will his name be coming on the list to ride in the honey 
Today it is running late 
The honeys know it is a long walk to the gate 
If it takes a man to be a prince and slay a dragon 
He will do any thing for the honor to ride in the honey wagon

Details | Ballad | |


It's early Christmas' Eve, snow steadily falls
and Santa leaves the North Pole
with his breath steaming in the frigid cold...
while the reindeers wiggle their tails;
he re-checks his long and neat list,
remembering another child's wish!

Santa, old Santa with the longest beard
and waving brittle hair whitest than snow,
many may think you look out-dated and weird:
have you forgotten to put on your cap.
and wrapped the wool scarf around your neck?
Santa, old Santa, take a minute before you go!

An over-loaded sleight can't make
over the mountains, valleys and lakes
if the the tired reindeers don't stay awake,
so Santa add two more to the sleight
to make sure that all kids receive a gift
before avoid them heart-breaks!

Santa, old Santa flashing the biggest laughter
that make your actual age disappear,
much joy is needed around the globe,
because everyone puts materialism before love...
forgetting that's easy to erase all greed:
thinking less of themselves, and doing a good deed!  

It's ten minutes to midnight, and Santa notices something so strange:
a house without lights, and there he makes his first stop;
in a corner by the dark hall he sees an empty box,
and an unhappy face reading a letter written in a rush:
the only letter that was returned for unfixed postage,
and as Santa steps down the empty sleight... the surprised girl's eyes light up!  

Santa, old Santa...this Christmas is so sad and incomplete:
it needs another Yule' miracle;
asks her what she wishes a night
so shining with hope:  when everything seems so possible!  

Details | Ballad | |

Texas Jack

Ol' Texas Jack he wandered,
He wandered far and wide,
With cactus spikes a blanket,
Locoweed his temporary bride.
And when Ol' Texas Jack was shot
Straight dead---he very nearly died.

But his horse, a sandy mare she was,
Rode in from ancient Mexico.
She kissed him once betwixt the eyes---
He jumped right up
Where his tombstone lies!

Yeah, when Ol' Texas Jack was shot,
Wild Bill was by his side.
He told me this tale I tell to you,
And they both went off to ride.

And if you go to Laramie or maybe
Tombstone too, you'll see them
Playing extras!  They'll sit rite next to you!
The pay's real good and the grubs alrite,
And if you stay up all night,
You'll see them riding in the mist.
They're gone.  Turn off the lights.

Details | Ballad | |

Early Riser

I work with the lord on sunday
I call this my fun day
For all the people I see 
and the little boys that get close to me

Father this and father that
I hear all day as their on my lap
not again father a few may say
dont worry boy soon enough you'll be gay

learn to like it, hold your breath
or god will make you soon find death.
god can watch or turn the other way
Alls I know is......
God bless Sunday!

Details | Ballad | |


Well, I survived... 
That stretchy thing! 
Time to pause.... 
Have a bite to eat, 
bed for the night 
A good sleep, 
is a real treat! 

Now ,I am thinking.... 
It's been quite hot here... 
What about some cold and snow? 
Is the place to go! 

Great Scott of the Antarctic! 
Deep snow! 
All the way to the pole! 
Is my goal! 

I am wearing eskimo furs 
I hold on to the sled.... 
Lashing the curs, 
onwards I sped 

The deepening cold.... 
chills me to the bone 
I am beginning to fold 
I feel all alone.... 
alone in this icy cold 

No fancy navigation here..... 
me,the dogs and sled! 
With the cold instead! 
Storms of ice.......... 
Are really not that nice 
Deep crevasses 
Makes me curse 
Still,it could be worse! 

In the distance I see a flag 
The dogs begin to lag.... 
With a whip lash 
I make my dash! 

Now, I am thinking.... 
The south pole 
Easy to get to.... 
The trick is to get back! 
Thats my goal! 

The long walk back.......... 
The ice never did melt! 
Now I know how Captain Oates felt! 
I hope I have the knack! 

Weary days later......... 
I meet my ship 
I really need to kip 

The ice, numbing 
I didn't see that coming! 
I made it south though! 
Through storms of ice and snow! 
I am cold and very much alive! 
To start chapter five! 

Details | Ballad | |



The problem is that....... 
Concrete is hard stuff! 
I am not disputing that fact 
Sleep is tough! 

Still, life is on the up and up 
I have my bullet charm 
I have come to no harm! 
My half full cup! 

Three square meals a day 
Roof over my head 
Solid door 
All day to play 
Frankly it's a bore! 

Time for fast track planning 
Get in training 
Make a move! 
I have a point to prove! 

With my proceeds of the first show 
I bribed the guards 
Even the hunter killer dogs 
got a bone or two! 

I was out within a week! 
A little poorer! 
It's only money in any case 
I bought a life on the outside! 
New challenges to seek 
My fans miss my face! 

I must plan the third show........... 
Maybe get a bite to eat 
and a proper bed for the night 
Give the fans a treat! 
I put out the light! 

Details | Ballad | |

Hoochie Koochie Bop

It all starts when you walk in the door 
Men hoot and holler as you enter the floor 
Your body shakin' in all the right places 
As you look around you see the looks on the men's faces 
The music and the electricity have you pumped, you just can't stop 
You show the crowd how to Hoochie Koochie Bop 
Another hottie comes out to show you up 
You both compete to see who has the better stuff 
The gyrations, all the steamy moves 
Another hot mama enters the floor, she is well into the groove 
The crowd goes wild as a man grabs your waist 
You tell him I'm the candy you will never taste 
He asks what does it take to get what you've got 
You tell him to get off the floor, you can't Hoochie Koochie Bop 
A female approaches you and grabs your hand 
Something about this seems right, she understands 
She smiles at you, you smile right back 
You know she is only after one thing, that's a fact 
She wants to take you to her penthouse loft 
Maybe it's time for a one on one Hoochie Koochie Bop 
The dance floor feels so good, so right 
You tell her to go, you want to dance all night 
A couple more shots of tequila will do the trick 
You want to slow down, things are moving too quick 
You are flawless on the floor, no one will mock 
You are the master of the Hoochie koochie Bop 

Details | Ballad | |

The Terror of Tootsie Town

In the age old refrigerator
A huge Tootsie Roll did reign
All the fruits and vegetables
Thought he was most insane
Too sweet, too dark, too strong
as all the other food could see
And though he knew that it was wrong
He beat up a poor old onion
Till everyone did cry
Was it sorrow, or onion-burning
the real real reason why?

Well Tootsie had to travel
Promised to some fair maiden I am told
So he hopped on his Tootsie-cycle
Thank God he was just that bold

But on his Tootsie-cycle
He lost his paper wrap
Now the maiden would never touch him
He felt like such a sap!

He finally got to the maiden's homesite,
Having suffered greatly from the heat
Half melted, and chocolate oozing
No one would ever eat

So Tootsie Terror went back home
into his refrigerator cold
But now only half a Tootsie,
He dare not be so bold

Ambushed by a wild pack of pickles
Poor Tootsie was sorely beat
Now Tootsie would surely be
A Tootsie none would eat...

Sometimes, fate, it seem so fickle
as here with the rotten, evil pickle
Twists and turns can fool you
So stay in the fresh food drawer
And if more pickles try to strike
Tell them that you'd truely swore
Your Tootsie Gang from Shar's
You really did there call
And if they want to rumble
Those pickle had better watch
'Cause you and your tootsie buddies
Will surely, surely maul.

Details | Ballad | |

' ... For The Old Men ... ' (or It Ain't Over Yet)

He Thought, ‘Cause He Was Old
And the Other Guy, was Just ‘Sprung’
That He didn’t have a Chance To Hold
His Own, Against The ‘Young-Un’ …

And In Spite of His Many Years
… Worn-Well, Like Battle-Scars
The Boy, Wet, Behind The Ears
Challenged Him For Love, Thru War …

… The Rival, Dressed In Handsome-Glory
And showed His Young-Man’s Strength
And Polished Up, His Manners, Solely …
To Flatter, The Lady at Length …

So … The Old Man … Stopped His Visits
To The Woman of His Dreams
His Last Chance … and He’d Missed It …
Due To Failing Eyesight and Self-Esteem

But, the Object of Their Desire
A Woman, Fully-Grown
One of Beauty and Hidden Fire
Already Chose, What Her Heart – Known

So, She Went to See The Old Man
Her Senior, by Twenty-Years
And She Took Him, By the Hands
And This:  Is What He Hears:

“ … Hon, I’m Just Like Fine-Wine
Aged and Mellow, Taste Real Good
I Flow in a Smooth-Line
… and I Thought You Understood …

I Already Been In The Barrel
I Already Reached My Peak
My Vintage, Ain’t Just Alcohol
You Know, I’m Warm and Sweet

… and I Need A Man To Hold Me
Like A Decanter, Strong and Bright
… Crystal-Clear, Around Me
And Sparkling-Eyes, in the Light

I Need Him, Cut-To-Perfection
With Many Facets, At Each Turn
And Fluted with Affection
So, When He Pours … He Still Yearns

Now, An Old Decanter, Like This
Takes Time, and Design To Make
It Doesn’t Spill A Kiss
Or Fall-Down, Shatter and Break …

Its Been Tested, for Its Value
Adds Worth, to Any Room
I Give It, Its Due …
It’s a Genuine Heirloom !

Now, These Words, Go-Down Pretty
You May Think, ‘Don’t Mean A Thing’
But, I Need A Dose of Maturity
More Jump, Than Grape-Juice Brings …”

 - - - - - -

The Woman, Said Her Sincere Words
Then She Kissed His Weathered Cheek
And Wondered If He’d Heard
When He Still, Didn’t Speak …

… Then He Gently Grabbed Her Close
As It Finally, Soaked In …
… ‘It’s Me, She Chose ! …’
… The Old-Man, Gave A Boyish-Grin !

And He Held Her, Like A Decanter
Holds The Finest, Best Wine
… Caressed and Prized and Hugged Her
And Softly Whispered … “Mine !”

As She Swirled Perfumed Nectar
And Shy Drops Upon His Lips
An Intoxicating Sampler …
… The Old Man, Took A Sip …

Next Time, When He Saw His Rival
He Knew, He’d  Have Some Fun
As He Waited For His Arrival …
To Tell Him, ‘You’re Not Cut-Out For This One, Son …

Details | Ballad | |

Z Lovely 39

She comes in just before 6:30 
Donald's ride will never be early 
Their relationship is not kept under cover 
She calls him her big brother 
Now they both drive a 300, Donald says his is better 
There is nothing like the smell of leather 
Zena keeps hers cleaner, it holds more shine 
She has a nickname I gave her, Z Lovely 39 
She starts to freeze when the temperature dips below 79 
Her heater is on full blast most of the time 
Palmetto bugs, spiders and snakes 
Zena will run a mile a minute to escape 
Donald said he is thinking about moving his desk out in the warehouse to keep 
from walking back and forth 
5-2-9 suggests Donald buy some Dr. Scholl's cushioned insoles to prevent his 
dogs from getting sore 
Zena just got her new clothing catalog from 1-800-SO-FINE 
It was addressed to her exclusively, Z Lovely 39 
Another day starts with my desk neighbor, new adventures will arise 
Donald will spend most of his day by her desk, comes as no surprise 
He has romantic visions tumbling like a dryer in his mind 
He will always big brother to Z Lovely 39

Details | Ballad | |


Now,where was I? 
Oh yes! 
Safely strapped inside......... 
Lets see this baby fly 

This gravity is a tricky thing........... 
Very heavy stuff 
I feel so alive! 
C'mon!, let me drive! 

I counted down too............ 
and with an explosive sound 
We were off the ground 
How fast can it do? 

I was pinned back..... 
Deep into my seat 
I thought it was the weight , 
of my treasure sack 
I was in for a treat! 

The chap up front........ 
Said c'mon up! 
Don't be shy! 
See how it can fly! 

I pressed something green...... 
then something red............... 
Everything went haywire 
I really was in the mire 
If you know what I mean 

That something red............ 
Ticked off that chap instead 
What a quality of service! 
I must have made him nervous! 

Now, I was thinking 
All this floating......... 
That chap up front.......... 
What's it all about 
Some chav upfront? 
The man's a lout! 

Well, it's time to get off 
So I put on this padded suit......... 
Ready to scoot......... 
When that chap upfront 
Gave me the boot! 

Luckily I have my bullet charm 
So, I will come to know harm 
Down I went! 
I didn't want to be here....... 
Nearly bought the farm, 
burning a hole , 
through the atmosphere! 

I know I will arrive 
Very much alive 
Avoiding the river Styx 
I must write chapter six! 

Details | Ballad | |

Ignorant Bliss

Filling your mind with holes of stupidity
I verbally assault you, destroying your being
Breaking you down to my level
Ignorance is contagious did you happen to catch it?
Standing face to face I see it within you
Smelling your ignorant breath I still see it within you...
Who you were is no longer who you will be
From now on you will forever be as ignorant as me….

Details | Ballad | |

Write Me a Ballad

High on a hill, deep in a sea,
where it is I fall, just bury me.
Raise no stone to mark my spot
write me a ballad so I'll not be forgot.

Say I was a scallywag.
Say I was a brute.
Say I was good lookin'
in my birthday suit.

Say I loved the women,
say they loved me back.
Say my eyes were blue
and my hair was black.

Say I didn't live this long,
say I died a youth.
Write for me a ballad
it doesn't have to be the truth.

Make my ballad a joyful song
so they'll sing of me for ages long.
Remember me; name or face
write me a ballad in either case.

Say I drove the husbands
and the preachers mad.
Say I drank up all the beer,
before a drop went bad.

Say the law could not catch me,
say I ran too fast.
Say I kissed the ladies,
before I made my dash.

Say I was a rounder
and I was forever on the sly.
Write a ballad about me,
even if it is a lie.

Put my ballad to a tune
sing it from July to June.
Sing it to every drunk and bum
too drunk to sing they can only hum.

Don't say I was a gentleman.
Don't say I loved my wife..
Don't say I helped my neighbors,
almost all my life.

Don't let them know how hard I work,.
don't let them know I cry.
Don't let them know I love the Lord
until the day I die.

Don't say I went to church
or I had a heart of gold.
Don't write a ballad about me,
the truth is better told.

Details | Ballad | |


Lots of calculation...... 
goes into the jump 
x=y+5 x e=mc2 
To stop you ending in a lump! 

That's what I am told........... 
It's on the back of the ticket I was sold! 
Well here I go.... 
Ready for the last throw 

High on a hill, 
a lonely bridge span 
Six hundred foot drop! 
I nearly ran! 
With a mighy effort of will 
I trudged to the top! 

Push comes to shove....... 
So they say 
I waited in the queue 
Twiddling my thumbs 
Not knowing what to do! 
What a day! 

Soon it was my turn... 
Ouch! This heart burn! 
Won't go away 
Can I do this another day? 

I stepped forward.......... 
Remembering the calculation 
on the ticket I was sold! 
Was it marketing information? 
Or marketing gold? 

My ankles were lashed together......... 
My weight taken 
That calculation I pinned my hopes on 
I hope they wern't mistaken! 

I teetered on the edge........... 
on a very small ledge 
With a great lungful of air, 
With a nervous step........ 
I fell with flair! 

I was gathering speed........... 
watching the rocks below........ 
the calculations going through my mind 
not far to go.... 
I must be blind! 

I was progressively slowing 
My blood,flowing 
Then up I went! 
my courage spent! 
The rocks below 
Don't bother me so! 

So, witha boing up! 
and a boing down! 
I conquered the elastic! 
I feel fantastic! 
I'm going to town 
I know what for 
I need to see about chapter four! 

Details | Ballad | |


Chapter five 
I am still alive! 
The 2nd show! 
I made it through the ice and snow 

Now, I am thinking..... 
Hot or cold? 
I have survived both........ 
I didn't bungle........ 
well,how about steamy jungle? 

Off I went , South America bound! 
Jungles to be found 
Bugs and things 
Piranhas too 
Hidden birds sing! 
The things you do! 

Keep the fans happy 
producers too......... 
Me,the talent.... 
Holding it together,like glue! 

There I was with no fear, 
in deep jungle green! 
The humidest it's  ever been! 
it's sticky here! 

Now, I am thinking 
Steamy jungle.... 
Dark of night 
Did I bungle? 
I did get a fright! 

A nip here 
A nip there 
Piranhas have no fear 
This isn't fair! 

Jungle creepers 
Will I get out of here? 
Have no fear........ 
I have my lucky bullet charm 
from the first show... 
I feel no alarm 
I will scrape through 
because I am meant too! 

I fought my way 
through jungle vines 
Come what may! 
there were some bad times! 
Miles wide 
I made it to the otherside! 

Is there nothing I can fix? 
Oh yes! 
Chapter six! 

Details | Ballad | |

Your Body Can Break a Man's Bank

I look around and it is you I see 
A girl who is a stock market catastrophe 
You are a high risk investment that won't pay out 
You put on your makeup like bathroom grout 
I have no idea where you fall in the official rank 
But your body can break a man's bank 
So what you have changed the color of your hair 
Your personality is a car without it's spare 
Keep in mind, this is just me and my point of view 
You are that piece of meat spit out because it was too tough to chew 
You are the left over beer that wasn't drank 
But your body can break a man's bank 
Your face is like a painting that looks good from far away 
Men still flock around you to my dismay 
You are the results of an out of hand prank 
But your body can break a man's bank 
The perfume is not hiding the fact that you don't bathe 
That tells me it's not cuddle time you crave 
I give up, be straight with me 
You are from the gutter, but men treat you like the queen bee 
In a word game, your brain is the blank 
But your body can break a man's bank

Details | Ballad | |

Bubba Spent the Night

Our son asked can a friend stay over
He just moved here from dover
The friend says tonight's Friday, usually we have pig's innards
He says my name is Cleetus Billy Joe Jim Bob Jones, after he stutters out his 
name, it's time for dinner
But you can call me Bubba, he seems very polite
I pray no nightmares as Bubba spends the night
I tell him we are having Makerel Cakes and Mac and Cheese
He says I will take four cakes and two helpings if you please
Boy you sure do have an appetite
I tell my son our budget won't allow Bubba to ever again spend the night
Soon dinner is over and Bubba still wants to eat
I grab a funnel and melted bacon fat and tell him to have a seat
He says we eat fatback soup sometimes on a weekday
He tells me the doctor tells his whole family, that sometime their arteries will turn 
to clay
bubba says I don't eat for calories, I eat for taste
I tell Bubba, if you keep eating like that you will become hazardous waste
He laughs and cheers in delight
This all happened when Cleetus Billy Joe Jim Bob Jones spent the night
At 2 am he asks for a snack
I give him a sleeve of Ritz crackers and a pound of Monterey Jack
I hand him a jar of Grey Puopon
He says after I eat this, there may be trouble in your john
He smiles and asks for a Diet Coke
I try to watch my health, I don't drink or smoke
Eight more hours, then our budget will be alright
He asks when is the next time I can spend the night

Details | Ballad | |


I was on the beach............. 
Thought I would take a little swim..... 
Off I went! 
Diving deep........ 
When I saw a triangular fin! 

Dolphins ? I thought? 
Dolphins don't have teeth? 
I heard a cello  in the background........... 
Where have I heard that sound? 
Ah yes! 
I stopped and paused......... 
It was in that film....Jaws! 

I turned and made for the sand......... 
That cello noise was really close now 
Should be banned! 
I was swimming on an olympic level......... 
Can I make dry land? 
It's quite far to go! 

The swish of fin through the water......... 
No time to saunter! 
The gnashing of teeth 
I am still out of reach! 
The water is now shallow 
I am on the straight and narrow! 
The last spurt! 
I hit paydirt! 

Never had sand tasted so good! 
I ploughed on through.......... 
leaving a huge furrow too! 
I survived the ocean blue! 

Now, I am thinking..... 
How about bungee jumping...? 
That will get the heart pumping! 
Dangling on a piece of elastic...... 
sounds fantastic! 
To see me, 
Read chapter three! 

Details | Ballad | |


Now, I have been thinking 
I have had a few scrapes.......... 
Ticked a few chaps off 
Ships sinking 
Harmless japes! 
Am I getting soft? 

The pirate chaps were great! 
Landed me ashore, 
with sacks full of pieces of eight 
So, not all a waste! 
Although they departed in indecent haste! 
It all came to a head 
Was it something I said? 

That lava underground.......... 
Huge canyon in the pavement 
The local council 
Totally unsound! 
I came through it all 
Not once did i fall! 

Well,it's time for a shower 
and a bite to eat. 
It's getting late, 
and my pockets are heavy 
with all the pieces of eight! 

Why is it pieces of eight? 
Why not pieces of three? 
That stumped you ,I see! 
Is it me? 
or is it me? 

I see a fine hotel, 
rang the bell 
Gave the door man a tip 
That scraggy piece of carpet, 
caused me to trip! 
I was ok, just stubbed toes! 
The other chap............. 
Had a bloody nose! 

I gave him a piece of eight 
(is it me?) for his trouble 
to buy himself dinner 
What a winner! 
He was now my mate! 

Now, I was thinking 
All I have been told......... 
By those bloody pirates! 
That it was cursed gold! 

Well, I will put it to the test I says 
I heaved a sack with all my might 
and bought a ticket on a space shuttle flight 
It leaves in three days! 

I have never felt so alive! 
Excited too! 
I can complete chapter five 
A first class cabin no less! 
I am looking foward to it 
I must confess 

Details | Ballad | |


The final challenge 
The grand finale ,so to speak 
The one they have all been waiting for! 
All week! 
Massive detonation! 
Instant gratification! 

I was all set........ 
All conditions met 
My trigger finger ready 
My hand steady.............. 

I didn't hear the resulting  boom......... 
A bright white flash............. 
I was instantly turned into ash! 
My body ,reduced to atoms! 

I didn't object........ 
To the Manhattan Project! 
This was going to far........... 
Blew me away 
Turned me into a star! 

Now, I am thinking 
The most famous stars are dead........ 
Legends live on....... 
I shall be immortal instead! 

This is difficult............ 
I need time to think.......... 
The Narrow Squeak Show, 
has a limited run,you know! 

It's gonna take time to collect......... 
all my particles and ash 
I really must dash! 
I will carefully select....... 
The time and place 
For, I have far to go........ 
Amonst the stars 
To start the second show! 

Details | Ballad | |


Not the first time........... 
I cheated death...... 
Last week... 
What a narrow squeak! 

The car narrowly missing me........ 
Yet determined to run me down 
Put me underground..... 
The time was not meant to be 

The airliner crash last year.......... 
The only person to walk free! 
So many lost lives 
More than I can bear 

Two months past 
The train.... 
Did I fall or was I pushed? 
My fuddled brain! 
It seems so long ago 
How did I last? 

What a week it's been! 
The wife ,tripped and fell 
Carving knife nearly put me in hell 
What a life! 
Still, I am sure it was an accident 
Her insistence.......... 
That it was pure coincidence 

Now I am thinking........ 
That meteorite 
From five years past 
That landed on my house 
My life,nearly my last, 
as well as the spouse 
Nearly had the last rites! 

Is it me? 
Or is it me? 
That accidental drowning 
Mother in law frowning. 
Thought I was done! 
Still, I swum away from that one! 

Now,I am thinking........... 
Is this some sort of sick joke? 
Why me? 
I am an ordinary bloke 
The ship did its' own sinking! 

I stepped outside.......... 
The building crumbled to the ground 
I looked around 
Everyone else died! 

What a week it's been! 
Still, life is on the up 
Half full 
Half empty 
It's my cup 
You know what I mean! 

Life is to be enjoyed! 
stuff the insurance from lloyds! 
Hang these narrow squeaks 
These past weeks 
At my insistence, 
it's all a coincidence! 

Now, I am thinking 
that bullet 
Was it meant for me? 
It dropped at my feet 
My name engraved 
I was saved! 
You see! 

I wear it as a lucky charm.......... 
I have come to no harm 
This I know 
Wish I had it weeks ago! 

The lightning strike............. 
I didn't like 
Frightened me! 
Not as much as the resulting fire............. 
Could have been my funeral pyre......... 

Hence forth, I will.... 
Carry on as before 
Defeating nature's law 
Avoiding the kill! 

But old age might get me 
But I don't know.......... 
It will take some years....... 
you see.......... 
I have no fears 
Bring it on! 
I am the star of....... 
The  Narrow Squeak Show! 

Details | Ballad | |

Daily Grind

Wake up, thinking about sex
Take a shower, thinking about sex
Get on the train, thinking about sex
Finally get to work, thinking about sex
Time for lunch, how about sex
Getting out of work, thinking about sex
Go to a bar, looking for sex
Get drunk, Still looking for sex
Give up the fight, Praying for sex
Home lying in bed, still thinking about sex
Looking at your hand with a devilish grin, Finally let the SEX BEGIN!

Details | Ballad | |


Old Sam had carted nightsoil for a decade ‘round our town; 
A happy sort of chappy that let nothing get him down. 
He always found solutions to most problems in this life 
And went to no ends finding ways to rid himself of strife. 
Just like the time I found the note tacked to our outhouse door 
Along with one of hubby’s socks – sounds strange, but wait there’s more. 
It seems Sam’s eldest daughter had got in the fam’ly way 
And he’d convinced her darling beau there’d be a wedding day. 
A shotgun aimed strategically had helped persuade the lad 
And Sam convinced the young buck that he’d make a real good dad. 
The night before the wedding day Sam’s organised his suit, 
A singlet, jocks, shoes and socks, but felt a dopey coot. 
His sock drawer it was full alright, but none of them a pair  
And now he had to make a choice.  What was he gunna wear? 
I’ll sleep on it -  the old mate thought, but now it’s time for bed; 
He had to get some shut-eye for the big day just ahead. 
Sam had his run to do first up and much to his surprise 
He found upon our washing line a sight for his old eyes. 
A pair of socks that he could see would match one of his own 
And figured that he’d borrow one and treat it like a loan. 
And with another problem solved Sam scrubbed up pretty well; 
He gave the bride away that day and things went rather well. 
Of course he washed our missing sock, before he brought it back 
And told the story in his note, attached there with a tack. 

Details | Ballad | |



So now,here I am 
That was a close shave! 
No way to behave! 
Damn tanks! 
I am all alone 
Is this a war zone? 

I have  my lucky charm........... 
I will not come to any harm 
The bullet that dropped at my feet 
We can never meet! 

Now, I am thinking 
The ship sinking 
Me, drinking 
What a week! 
Absolutely stinking! 

Still, I am here 
Editing The Narrow Squeak files 
I have no fear 
I have a bullet charm 
So I will come to no harm........ 
says I,dropping a donation to St Giles! 

Now, I am thinking 
It has kept me awake 
That damn earthquake! 
Spoiled my train of thought 
(Not the train,did I fall or was I pushed?) 
That was close 
I was nearly caught! 

Hey ho! 
These strange events........ 
Really make me tense 
But one must overcome 
The shattering blow 
That leaves you numb 

I was walking......... 
Just the other day 
I have given up public transport 
It doesnt pay! 

I tripped and nearly fell 
The gap in the pavement,miles wide 
but with a hop ,skip and jump 
I made it to the otherside, 
with scarcely a bump 

What a week! 
I havent found 
What I am supposed to seek 
May be it is underground? 
Better take a peek! 

I returned to the canyon in the pavement 
Fought back the urge to jump 
I climbed down instead 
What a dump! 
I didn't at all feel any dread 

I clutched my narrow squeak book 
I daren't look 
All this rubble! 
Could I be in trouble? 

Now, I am thinking............. 
What if I am better off dead? 
Well ,I am deep underground 
The foul air keeps me coughing 
The canyon in the pavement............. 
My final coffin? 

What goes down..... 
Must come up 
I justify this, 
as the boiling lava 
gives an evil hiss! 

I start to climb quite fast.......... 
chapter two.......... 
Looking to be my last! 
I have my bullet charm 
The name only has one "T" 
I have two! 
This feels me with alarm! 

The lava is quite hot now........ 
What do I do now? 
My bullet charm........... 
is now flawed 
How the temperature soared 

I made it to the top 
The lava narrowly missed me! 
Not one drop! 
I can complete chapter three! 

Details | Ballad | |


That goldfish bowl......... 
Wedged on my head, 
did nothing instead 
Just left an almighty hole, 
where I dropped,like a piece of lead 
(Not a piece of eight!) 
Is it me? 

Well, never mind 
Lets see what I can find 
There is a light up ahead............. 
Maybe a bite to eat and a bed 

What a week it's been 
More like space fright! 
That chap upfront 
Clearly insane in the head 
I pushed his buttons instead! 
(Especially the red one!) 

You can't say I didn't try 
I don't want to space fly 
Those chaps  up front 
That lout! 
Clearly didn't know what is was all about! 

It's been a busy one 
All said and done! 
I jot down my scribbles, 
while eating my nibbles 

Quite a few narrow squeaks, 
These past weeks!! 
I like a challenge or two 
Make mine a double! 
As I clawed  my way through the rubble! 

My bullet charm............. 
worked an absolute treat! 
Even though its missing a "T" 
I have come to no harm 
No mean feat! 

I nearly choked on that steak! 
Fortunately that Chilean red wine 
dissolved it in time! 
I feel so alive! 
Drinking Octane 95! 

I can't go to heaven 
I haven't even started chapter seven 
The next challenge to try........................ 
Lets see if I can die! 

Details | Ballad | |


This is hard............ 
I cannot take the load 
I know! 
What about a road? 
The M25? 
The biggest carpark alive! 

A race track! 
Cops on my tail 
How soon can I get back? 
I must not fail......... 

Now...I am thinking 
I must select a car......... 
Nothing chav as a Subaru 
something with class.... 
How about a Jaguar? 
That'll do! 

Fastest time around, 
going clockwise. 
Hear the engine sound.... 
Lusty roar! 
Shakes me to the core 

Not an automatic 
I want something slick.... 
I want to be in control 
Lets roll! 

With a  full tank of fuel 
Sunglasses on..... 
Boy! Do I look cool! 
I am ready to do the ton! 

Weaving in and out! 
Even on the hard shoulder! 
I flogged the Jaguar, 
to the ends of the earth! 
For what it's worth..... 
I let the cops eat my dust 
before the big bust! 

Dartford tunnel too 
I shot on through 
Those annoying blue lights 
in my rear mirror was not distracting 
My foot on the floor 
The finish line was close 
I was sweating from every pore! 

I passed the line! 
Those annoying blue lights 
stayed with me 
I didn't fail! 
My last thoughts........ 
as I currently sit in jail! 

Now there's a challenge 
Prison break out? 
I must get free 
or the show will come to nowt! 
I can't be late! 
I must write chapter eight! 


 |  |  

Details | Ballad | |


What next? You may ask? 
My next task? 
I have done deep underground....... 
Sharks I have found... 
Ice and snow 
All for the show! 

I know! 
The ultimate stress test 
A shopping test around tesco! 
Nothing can be missed. 
On a crowded day...... 
The trolley dance! 
My last chance! 

To  conquer each aisle........ 
Requires cunning and guile. 
Fighting to the bitter end 
Defeating shopping trends 

I must be off my trolley! 
Shoppers ' folly! 
Good golly! 

I have my shopping list 
It is saturday 
I am ready to start.... 
I let off a nervous fart....... 
Is there anything I have missed? 

The whistle blows 
Here it goes! 
Shoppers heaven! 
Starting sharp at eleven! 

Dodgems have nothing on this...... 
That was a near miss! 
Crowded aisles! 
Trolleys for miles! 

Oh yes! 
I am on course 
Aisle three 
Spaghetti is in aisle two! 
You silly moo! 

This is the hardest thing 
that the producers can bring 
Give me space fright, 
pirates too.... 
All the gold 
Simply won't do! 

The most frightening thing 
Boy! Did I sweat! 
You can bet........... 
I won't do this again! 
Are you insane? 

This is tough! 
I have had enough 
My hardest assignment so far... 
It's hard being the star! 
Shop until you drop 
That I couldn't top 

I must try something new 
for chapter seven! 
Even if it kills me too! 

Details | Ballad | |


Australian historians, though having penned the tales 
about our nation's bushrangers, who mostly were all males, 
did somehow fail recording facts on one outlandish gang, 
who sneered at all authority and didn't give a hang. 
They terrorised the Warrego in Queenslands far south-west, 
despite the thousand pound reward put up for their arrest.  
This trio of the meanest kind for years had been renown  
for robbing Haberdasheries in almost every town. 
The leader was a buxom lass, the fearless Nellie Wunn, 
and with her rode sweet Nellie Court and doughy Nellie Dunn. 
The Nellies were all hated by the women of the west, 
as they would take the finest clothes and leave them with the rest. 
This gang would use the goods they stole and gate crash any ball, 
and trip the light fantastic with their men folk, one and all. 
Then as the stroke of midnight gonged they simply up and went, 
but left their trade mark lipstick kiss implanted on each gent. 
Though like all those who rode that path and went outside the law, 
the Nellies run of luck ran out and they would ride no more. 
All three would face the hangman's noose, a grisly kind of fate, 
and only by the good Lord's grace could they escape that date. 
By that I mean should it occur the process failed three times, 
the Lord was seen to intervene, which cancelled out their crimes. 
First up to face the gallows was the leader Nellie Wunn, 
but when the trapdoor failed three times her freedom had been won. 
Young Nellie Court was next in line when, strike me don't you know, 
the trapdoor failed three times again and so they let her go. 
Then poor old doughy Nellie Dunn marched up the gallows stairs 
and as the noose went 'round her neck she quickly said her prayers. 

But as the executioner reached down to do the deed, 
poor doughy Nell  cried, "Wait a bit!  Before you do proceed. 
I think I see what is at fault,"  then went on to relate, 
"the lever pin has fallen out and that's your problem mate."

Details | Ballad | |


Blue was feeling melancholy and was far from feeling jolly 
by the window of his quarters on that moonlight night in May. 
The old mate was broken hearted since young Jess and he had parted: 
that’s the Jillaroo from Bancroft who had jilted him that day. 
And old Blue would really miss ‘er, as she was a bonzer kisser, 
and he told this to a large green frog perched on the window ledge. 
This poor Ringer quite horrid, as his hand held up his forehead, 
and he gave the frog the run down like it was some privilege. 
“Do you have a girlfriend, froggy,  that just leaves your mind all foggy 
when she puckers up to kiss you and she makes you feel on high? 
As a kisser Jess was real hot and I reckon by a long shot  
she was up there with the best of them … except perhaps for Di. 
“She’s the blonde girl that’s a Nanny, on the place where my mate Danny 
breaks in horses every summer, and a looker, that’s for sure.  
Mate, this Di she was a goer and I’m glad I got to know ‘er, 
as that girl could suck your lips off and she’d leave you wanting more. 
“But we broke up in the summer, which I thought was a real bummer, 
so I hitched up with her cousin who’d come out to stay a while. 
This gal was a city floozie and her name I think was Suzie 
and her tongue it darned near choked me, but she certainly had style. 
“Then she went back to the city, which I thought was a real pity, 
still, I met young Katie Swenson at the rodeo that night. 
Sucking face was that girl’s passion, but I soon went out of fashion, 
as I found she kissed near anything that came within her sight. 
“So it’s hard, mate, just to pick one that I fancied as the best fun, 
as they all bring back fond memories but they all slipped through my grip.” 
He just sat there quite dejected and it came quite unexpected 
when a moth alighted on the top of poor old Bluey’s lip. 

The frog’s tongue flew into action, but his aim was down a fraction 
and it rattled the old tonsils in the back of Bluey’s throat. 
The old Ringer’s eyes went teary and his sight went kind of bleary 
and the words that bushman uttered I’m afraid I cannot quote. 
To this day it’s told by bush folk and believe me, this is no joke, 
it is ritual when Bluey goes to town and hits the grog, 
that he tells the same sick story, how no girls can match the glory 
of that moonlight night in May when he was tongue-kissed by a frog. 

Details | Ballad | |


It's been a long time.......... 
Since that bright white flash, 
among the stars, 
I collected a lot of trash, 
including some of my ash! 

I've been thinking ........... 
The nuclear option, 
was more of a scattering effect 
It took time, you know......... 
To collect the material, 
for the second show! 

I have covered a lot since then........... 
lots of stuff! 
stuff, I forgot,since I don't know when! 

Well, out in space 
is no joke you know... 
Planets and things 
The starlight show! 

I am now back on earth........ 
Ready and willing, 
for what it's worth 
I hope top billing......... 
I have more to do.... 
I need to start chapter two! 

Details | Ballad | |

Cruisin' With My Homies On Four Doughnuts

Love is not the answer to every issue out there 
There are choices brunettes, blondes or curly hair 
So we pile in my car to go check them out 
They look at us laugh and shout 
I'ts so obvious what's so funny, this really shows it 
Cruisin' with my homies on four doughnuts 
Three homies and I are burning some gas 
I am stressed, I just ran over some glass 
The tires stay firm, do not go flat 
You can't explain something like that 
Big Bertha asks for a ride, but with her weight, the car just won't hold it 
She will not be cruisin' with me and the homies on four doughnuts 
Stop at the store to get some brews 
Out of Colt 45 so the Bulls will have to do 
We catch a nice buzz, good enough to make me smile 
Fuel will be a concern in a few more miles 
After the beer, we combine our pocket change 
I payed for the beer and the gas, isn't that strange 
Girls can now be our main focus 
My tires are from a Ford, Chevy, Dodge and a Lotus 
It's always an adventure with me and the homies cruisin' on four doughnuts

Details | Ballad | |

Love Poem

Sweetheart when I met you
I know I would adore
The wondrous thing about you
You owned a liquor store
It wasn't the blue tint in your eyes
Or your heart that beats so dear
I knew right at that moment
You stocked my favorite beer
It wasn't your hair so chestnut red
Or how we lived in sin
The simple reason was, my love
You stocked my favorite gin
It wasn't the sexy look you gave to me
Or your angel face so fine
It simply was, my darling girl
You stocked my favorite wine
It wasn't your generous bosom
With your size double D in cups
It merely was the delightful fact
You stocked my favorite Snupps
It wasn't the ruby red of your lips
And the way you kiss so dandy
My love, it certainly had to be
You stocked my favorite Brandy
So on this day of Valentine
Please read this little tale
And don't forget at Easter time
To stock my favorite ale

Details | Ballad | |


Since RBT was introduced I mainly drink alone, 
but gee I miss the bar at Kel's and all the mates I've known. 
Old Boozer, Lefty, Mitch and Binge ... I wonder if the crew 
still drink ... perhaps not though;  would be a silly thing to do. 
Perhaps a bloke might just be wrong, and hey ... I'd love to know 
for sure ... but there's no way the cook would ever let me go. 
Though if a bloke did use the ploy ... "Your mum's lawn needs a trim 
my dear ... she being crook and all ... and getting well?  That's slim."  
I reckon she'd be in my ear, "It's nice dear that you care." 
Then after trimming old Maud's lawn, to prove that I'd been there, 
I'd duck down to the bar at Kel's and, if by chance the crew 
were there, a bloke would have to shout a round ... or maybe two.  
And that's exactly what went down.  And did my hunch prove right? 
You bet!  And being with my mates ... like toast and vegemite. 
We shared a round or two of course and had one for the road, 
but nine pots had me battling the effects of overload. 
I had things all in hand ... I thought ... when up ahead of me; 
My worst nightmare ...  my fear of fears ... the boys from RBT. 
Just pull her over to the curb and think this out I thought. 
There's got to be a way 'round this, just use your noggin sport. 
That's it old mate!  Good thinking Blue! ... and got out of the car 
and took the mower from the boot ... my best idea so far. 
I'd bide my time and mow a lawn and wait these fellows out. 
Then when they'd chucked the towel in like ... I'd get a win, no doubt. 
'Bout then the bloke, who owned the place, appeared upon the scene, 
a little bit bewildered, 'cause my ploy was unforeseen. 
"Might decent of you mate," he said "the thought was really kind,  
I guess you heard I broke my leg?  You must have read my 

He seemed a decent sought of bloke, so bid the chap "G'day!" 
And put him in the picture like and asked was it OK. 
"Oh by the way my name is Blue and what is yours pray tell." 
"Inspector John O'Brien son and mow the back as well." 

Details | Ballad | |

This Week's Fairy Tale

"Rude-Pun-Zel, Rude-Pun-Zel, Let Down Your Glass Eye!"

Rude-Pun-Zel had always been rude,
Sometimes boarderline crude,
But her own blue eyes she prized,
And she told no lies,
When she declared she was the
fairest of maids,
To sour some people '
like unsweetened lemonaids

One day she was too rude,
To a Sociopath Druid,
And in vengence, he
plucked out one eye...
Well she did not then die,
But, oh, oh, oh my, my, my...
She did long cry...
But at only 50% capacity,
Cause she had only one eye,
You see?

Well her Sorceror dad,
His temper was bad,
And this made him real mad
So he fitted her with, 
her one glass eye...
But he was color-blind
And didn't know what kind,
So he got one very brown,
Figuring if off, she would not mind...

Well Rue-Pun-Zel did
keep it anyway,
And everyday she'd
tie it in,
With a long eye-lash,
Of which she kept
a hefty stash

But now banished to
a tall tower blue,
She wanted for someone to her, save,
One day he came,
A plodding young knave,
Not too bright,
And not too brave,
He'd heard the tale,
Then one night,
after too much ale,
Seeked her out, from
the base of her tower...

Let down your glass eye,
I'll climb your lashes,
So no more will you cry!!
I'll even take you, 
to the local fish fry!!

Sadly, as poor
Rude-Pun-Zel attempted
this feat,
Her glass eye did slip,
And shatter when it hit

Goes to show you,
Always keep an eye on an eye!!


Details | Ballad | |


Rabbit was my turtle who never won a race
Red is my fish but he's blue in the face
And I love my pets but they do no tricks
So I play all day and sleep at night with my sidekicks

My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!  My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!
Sometimes we stand on bricks, play swords with sticks
Sometimes we have tools for fixin', lollipops for lickin'
But when it's time quit and switch, they're still my fav clique
My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!  My sidekicks~ Wa! Cha!   (Chorus)

Smokey is my cat and I love him too
Got a little kitty, named her Crystal blue
And another fish in a bowl I call Fins
But they do no tricks, so I play with my sidekicks again

I got Teddy and Roy and my bulldog Bully
And at bath time I get to dunk my pal Sully
Then there's Croc but is he an alligator
And Fishy is orange, before I see you later
I gotta tell ya Mr. Duck is now Mr. Quacks
But my favs of all time is Tang Tang and Scratch

And though they're stuffed animals~ they do all the tricks
Like my play friend Jerry- they're my sidekicks


A Song for my son Caleb at age 4

Details | Ballad | |


Ah! lucky verse seven! 
This time i will go to heaven! 
My bullet charm is flawed 
It's missing a "T" 
Could be a sign of a cancelled subscription! 
You will  see! 

Now , I am thinking............ 
I have been through a war...... 
Dodged the earths' molten core 
That ship sinking 
Space fright 
and the lightning strike.... 
Is there anything I didn't like? 

Oh yes!,that resulting fire! 
Never liked the heat much 
Too hot! 
Makes me perspire! 

On  with the show! 
There is much to know 
I must travel far 
In order to become a star! 

I am at the stage of life............ 
Dodged death, 
and a spouse with a knife 
Never been poisoned yet..... 
However some of the stuff I ate, 
is as good as it gets! 

Am I taking this whole thing too far? 
but I am the star! 
Of the Narrow Squeak Show! 
My fans demand something new......... 
Something my producers agree too! 

Whew !What a week it's been! 
One of the best it seems! 
That space flight was a real blast! 
Fullfilled my dreams 
Me,..........going down fast! 

There must be something on a small level? 
On an atomic level? 
Lets go nuclear! 
This could be my last! 
To hear about my fate 
One must read chapter eight! 

Details | Ballad | |

Ruby In The Sky With The Sandman

What would you do,
If I snored out of tune,
Would you dump a pail of water on me?

Lend me your pillow
And I'll snore you out a croon,
I will try to keep my snoring to me....

Ruby; I don't have a sandman,
but I do have two concrete users,
Rocco, and Vinny (Asphalt Vinny, they call him)
and I hear they're lookin' for me!

Details | Ballad | |

Vanishing Sands

He bounds with class like a souped-up Benzo
Slick hair defies gravity and air flow
More charm for the maidens than Lorenzo
Nod and a wink as he offers hello

Dressed to the gills like a TV comic
His voice rolling to knock down those stacked pins
Punching through Vegas with force atomic
Regardless the price he still always wins

They call him D-Bone, the lolling salesman
Eager to cement melodious deals
One step ahead of the scowling bailsman
All while he's molting his naive ideals

Muses abound from that puffy wineskin
No slowing down so he cannot look back
Trading brew city for all that dull sin
He's jamming while crooning to the rat pack

"How many swimming pools have they got here?"
He points while nodding to the lounged ladies
Reveling within this neon frontier
Baking his brains while chauffeured through Hades

Filled with mirth despite jonesing for cash
Vowing with pumped fists to never slink back
Pondering how he shall make his big splash
Those jaded fiends gauge him as just a hack

What they don't know could fill a museum
For he esteems and comprehends the past
These stuffed shirts would build a mausoleum
Before they'd construct relations that last

In his mind he hangs with Frank Sinatra
When respect held clout and coolness was king
Romantic songsmiths governed the genre
Liberated minds stormed at full swing

D-Bone refuses to pluck their ticket
As they tell him he needs to wait in line
When confronted he tells them to stick it
Keenly scanning the distance for cloud nine

Details | Ballad | |

Red Necks

The deer is a warm and fresh road kill
Will go good with the moonshine from your still
That red neck life style you will always have
Red Necks don't have to have a reason to be mad
You feel that on taxes you always get screwed
Hunting animals doesn't take a mood
Not accepting others for who they are
Gas guzzling huntin' trucks, there are no cars
Your baby never given a passy
Just a hunk of tobbacky
You spit your tobbacky juice in a mason jar
Fertilize the grass, so you empty it in the yard
A bathroom is where you make it
In the bed of your truck, you and your old lady got caught naked
You brag to the Reds at work about your latest run in with the cops
A few beers later, it's time to raid the Goodwill box
As a bona fide Red Neck it is your life's mission
To pass these quality traits to your son, it's a tradition
Red Necks in the south are a dime a dozen
Most marry their next of kin, usually their cousins
Support your local Red Neck, the bumper sticker reads
It fine print it's local chapter 233
In the parking lot outside your favorite bar
Friday night puking, too much PBR
Saturday morning fatback and beans
Coats the stomach, now you can drink
I cannot criticize Red Necks for living this way
What is normal in society these days

Details | Ballad | |

The Knight That Drove the Old Pixie Down

Virgin Brain is my name,
Served on the Disneyworld choo-choo
'Til my supervisor came,
and tore up my time card again...

In the summer of '95...
I joined the Templar Knights
Kind'a dig that kind of  jive....
By August the tenth,
My assignment to me had fell,
And it was one that would  lead me straight to hell...

The Knight I Drove the Old Pixie Down,
and tom bell was ringin'
The Knight I drove the Old Pixie Down,
and the children were singing,
The Knight Who Drove the Old Pixie Down!
They went; da, da, da, how friggin' dumb
da,da, da, your brain is numb
da, duh?, da, duh?, da, da, da!
da,  da, da, da, da, da, da....

Back in my tenement in Brooklyn,
When one day  a young cop did call me,
Virgin , come quick, you're wanted for robbery!!
Now I don't mind servin' time
But the food is no good,
Just be sure, the crime is mine...
Ya take the sentence given,
and ya gotta' serve your time..
But they never should
have taken...
My denim vest!

Like my mother before me,
I will work the ol' rockpile...
Like the guards above me,
I will seldom smile..
I was just dumb, stupid and niave
But the cops got me, so
they could save....
The little pixie I was stalking
Prepared to take her down,
And they got me just before
I was about to have found...
The nasty little pixie,
So evil and so sly,

No wonder someone had paid me,
To see that pixie die...

The Knight Who Drove Old Pixie Down,
The Knight Who Drove Old Pixie Down
And the stoolies were singin'
They went....Ya, ya, ya, he's guilty
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya...

I swear by the ball and chain
On my feet
You can't release a con too soon....
When he's up for parole,
He'd have a better chance,
on the moon.....

Repeat chorus and fade...

Details | Ballad | |


Now, I am back! 
Walking through.......... 
A little place called Iraq 
Steeped in history too 

Such friendly people too! 
Twice I avoided 
Blue on blue! 
My bowels voided! 

Now, I am thinking........... 
Does the bullet charm still work? 
I think it did quite well......... 
No matter what they tried 
I couldn't get to the "otherside"! 

The desert is not for me 
So I was thinking............ 
Maybe a journey........ 
On the sea? 

Well blow me away! 
Just my luck! 
This time not a train........... 
but a bleeding hurricane! 
Not quite what I wanted on my holiday! 

Hey ho! 
Its only wind 
It can't take hold 
You cant see it,so it cant kill you 
So I am told! 

Now,I  am thinking.......... 
It's  only a blip! 
Whats that on the horizon? 
A flag with bones on... 
Its a pirate ship! 

What a welcome I got! 
I got caught! 
Never did get shot! 
Fine fellows 
I am all for a sailors lot! 
They put me ashore at the nearest port! 

Was it something I said? 
I left them crying over their rum........... 
Muttering something about feeling glum 
It all came to a head 
When I asked them about their mum! 

Still ,life is on the up and up 
Half full 
Not half empty 
is my cup! 

I still have my bullet charm 
After the hurricane and sea.......... 
Worn down a little more 
Back on land! 
To start chapter four! 

Details | Ballad | |

The Spider and the Slug (For Sharon)

Once upon a time
there was a mean ol' spider
who bought his socks
in pairs of 4

He bristled with poison
and had a nasty temperment
Spreading fear and killing others
Everywhere he went

One day a sweet hearted slug
came crawling near his web
Slimy and slow moving
Leaving his trail of goo

Now Mr. Spider decided he'd show who's boss
and if it came to a toss off, he was at a loss
Cause you can't bit a slug
Or sting it, or capture in a web
He's slow and dim witted maybe
But he sure as heck aint dead

Mr. Spider's reward for trying
was just as it had ought
His 8 legs got so darn slimy
You might say he was caught

But Mr. Slug was not so vengeful
As to a hurt a living thing
He crawled off to the shadows
To do what sluggies do
The spider soon dried out
And now he had a clue

Don't mess with those so helpless
You might just be surprised
You may be as tough as nails
But look deep in side their eyes
A slug is a slug
God made him that
and he has no complaint
He is what he is and hear me now
Although he's not a saint
He is what he is
And more than that
He isn't what he ain't.

(ad libbed line by line- and I'll send you a whole bag of Tootsie Rolls!) 

Details | Ballad | |


As cars go... 
This was a good one 
Gleaming black 
A perfect car... 
for Cadillac Jack 

What's in a name? 
People have names for cars 
Pet names 
It's all in that peculiar car game 

Cadillac Jack was no different, 
but more of that later 
Dogs look like their owners 
Cars are the same 
It's all in the car game 

Cadillac Jack, 
was fat and chunky too, 
although he would never admit it 
The car did the walking 
Jack did all the talking 

Cadillac Jack, 
a cruising man you see... 
Fat and single, 
gleaming black, 
just like the car 

Cadillac Jack, 
works occasionally 
Never hard for the car he drives, 
takes all his time, 
for it is time he does lack 

Jack is hitting sixty 
and that is not on the speedo 
The car, is all he has, 
for he has no libido 

The car is his woman 
Gleaming black 
Soft and quiet 
It's cool in the back 

Rubbing down every sunday, 
waxed and polished, 
under a fierce sun 
Cadillac Jack is number one 
The car... 
Second to none 

This is Cadillac Jack, 
hitting sixty 
the secret is in the game 
the car... 
a wife in all but name 

Oh yes! 
The name... 
Jack told me once, 
so softly he muttered 
My dear... 
Her name, he uttered 
Myrtle Murgatroyd 

I nearly burst out laughing I fear 
Cadillac Jack, 
with such sangfroid 
Let it go, 
for he did know, 
the name of my car 
which I will not mention here! 

Jack died a while back, 
yet I see his car 
cruising still, like on a quest.. 
I look for a driver, 
haven't seen one yet 
Mrytle Murgatroyd, 
dressed in her sunday best 
All in black 

Like a true widow, 
she conducts her self with dignity 
She never hits sixty, 
you know... 

Myrtle is by a quirk of fate, 
a hearse you know 
Explains why she never went over sixty 
Just like Jack, 
she can wait 
for Jack is now in the back! 

that car is still cruising around, 
looking for a driver that can't be found 
Myrtle Murgtroyd... 
and Cadillac Jack 

They'll be back... 

Details | Ballad | |

Border closed

tried to sell my cows
but the border closed
so i'd tightened my belt
and ride it out, i spose.

feedin calved out heifers and their young ones too
spending money on hay to feed beef i can't use.

Details | Ballad | |

The Candle

The night was creeping on the ground
She crept and did not make a sound
Until she reached the tree
She covered it and crept again
Along the grass beside the wall
I heard the rustle of her shawl
As she threw blackness everywhere
Upon the sky and ground and air
And in the room where I was hidden
But no matter what she did
To everything that was without
She could not put my candle out
So I stared at the night
And she stared back solemnly at me.

Details | Ballad | |

At Bubba's We Spent the Night

We take Bubba home to drop him off 
His father and mother come out, they begin to hack and cough 
His father extends his hand out to shake mine 
My wife says don't be rude, go ahead and shake it, I do so, his hand is covered 
with mucuossy slime 
After shaking his hand, I begin to gag 
The wife with no bra, smiles and hands me a Save A Lot shopping bag 
She takes a swig from her 32 oz brew 
Then offers it to my wife Sue 
I say come on, it is your turn to show manners now 
As she takes a swallow, I watch her face, the expression looked like she was 
trying to give birth to a cow 
Bubba asks his father if we can all stay the night 
The father says fittin' us all in one bedroom will be very tight 
I tell him we will sleep in the kitchen near the back door 
He says pay no mind to critters on the floor 
I ask where is the toilet, I have to go 
He says out back, you're in luck, I just dug a fresh new hole 
I think to myself, this is not the way life should be 
A night at Bubba's I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy 
At 3 am, they are in the kitchen stepping over us getting snacks 
We are offered each a bowl of that famous soup called fatback 
Bubba yells I want my box of cupcakes 
His mom hands a pack of Reelfoot pork hot dogs and says for goodness sakes 
He devours them as if he was in a hot dog eating contest 
Bubba says, after I eat my cupcakes, that will tie me over so I can rest 
A little after 4, Bubba gets his fill 
After breakfast, we were told we can leave on our own free will 
After trying some rocky mountain oysters, it is time we leave 
The dad says we would love to come and stay with y'all on New Year's Eve 
I tell him until 2040 we have plans 
He says that's fine that will give them enough time to collect some aluminum 
We move to another state with no forwarding address 
Never again putting ourselves in that kind of mess

Details | Ballad | |

My Sweatshop

We open at 5 and close at sunset 
I expect a lot of production, I provide water and towels for sweat 
A complimentary lunch that comes in a can 
There is a choice of ham or turkey made from SPAM 
They love the conditions, so they don't want to stop 
I have many benefits owning my own sweatshop 
I have people making jeans and shoes 
My business, by the Department of Labor has been approved 
One girl is pregnant, but not by me 
Her parents put the blame on Cathy Lee 
Now another 16 hour shift has ended 
Immigration came through, my business license has been suspended 
They say I am the cause of tax evasion 
Oh well, I have enough money, time for a vacation 
I ask Cathy lee to meet me at the New Haven Truck Stop 
I need expert advice on how to run a sweatshop 
She has given me the advice I need 
She said don't use cotton, save money by switching to tweed 
She also said lower their wages 
For defiant workers, provide empty cages 
It all comes down to making your business the cream of the crop 
I got advice from the expert on how to run my own sweatshop

Details | Ballad | |


Rocky, Rocky
Longed to be a jockey,
But poor Rocky,
Was far too stocky,

More muscles than the horse,
Eliminated him of course,

He tried to slim down,
To win the Derby Crown,
But failed at this,
And was destined to miss,
The goal he sought so bad,

He watched from Kentucky Downs,
With naught but frowns,
And angered that,
Those little clowns,

Had the job he did covet
And they did not love it,
For each of them, it seems,
Wanted to be a muscleman,
That was their fondest dreams.

Details | Ballad | |

Big Bad Mama

I'm the woman behind the man behind the wheel
Let's Giddy -Up-Go My phantom 309
Give me forty acres Eighteen wheels And a dozen roses
For this is a trucker's last ride Eastbound Westbound
Let's start us a Convoy I know there's a love story
in the making under the bright Kansas City lights
Roll on Big Mama This is your Teddy Bear from
the old home filler up and keep Cafe 
Just put the hammer down and 
let's see how fast them a trucks can a go
For Mama knows the highway And the girl
on the billboard too Rolling past on a trucking cafe
With my big wheels in the moonlight Rolling me
away from you For I'm a truck driving Mama
Looking for someone else I once knew

                           { Over and I'm Goneeee }    LOL

Tribute To
Our Truckers
Of The Roads

Also a song 
again working on  lol

Details | Ballad | |


His greaves and helmet throne aside
The clang of discard marked his ride
The lathered horse he stayed astride
Til clothed in but a sword and pride
He pelted through the countryside
Screaming wild invectivecide
At Luvalot who’d stole his bride

Details | Ballad | |

Sittin' On the Doc of the Bay

Left my home in Jamaica,
headed for the Hampton Bay
I had no medical insurance,
Looked like none was gona come my way

So I'm just sittin' on the Doc. of the Bay
Wishin' health would flow my way
Just sittin' on the Doc of the Bay,
Wasting rhyme........

I came down with nasty shingles
My skin was try'in to crawl away,
I went to this Doc. in Hampton
He was more than odd, I must say

He wanted to bleed me with a leech
Then dye my hair with bleach
I thought this was mighty weird
To understand it would be a reach

I sensed I was in danger,
This turkey had a lesson to teach
So I threw him with Ju-Jitsu speed
and down he went
 His pride I did breach

Then I sat upon his sore old body
Waitin' for the cops to come,
If jail was my destination,
I would sure feel the bum
So reflectively I sat there,
And even started to whistle and hum

Just sittin' on the Doc of the Bay,
Wishin' this day would go away,
Just sittin" on the Doc of the Bay
Ready to serve time.............

Details | Ballad | |

The Great Burbank Driftwood Scare

 I'd like to submit to you this little ditty,
About some of Burbanks local history,
Called the great Burbank driftwood scare,
I was down at the river one fine sunny day,
Picking up driftwood wherever it lay,
When up walked this man, he was wearing a badge,
He said to me, "son, why don't you come over here",
"I'd like to talk to you about these laws we hold dear",
"Do you know it's illegal to pick driftwood up?",
He said, "son, you're the environment",
"Destroying the habitat with reckless abandonment",
"And destroying the shoreline every where you've been,
Well I held up my hand and said, "sir, can I say a word?",
"All of this fuss about driftwood is kind of absurd",
"It's here today and it's gone tomorrow",
Well he puffed all up and started quoting federal law,
And statutory regulations with congressional clause,
And that's when I knew I'd had enough,
Then he said, "son, I think that you're in luck",
"I could make you take that driftwood back to where you picked it up",
"But I'm going to just give you a warning and let you go",
I said, "I appreciate that", and hopped in my truck,
Saying to myself, "This is really going to suck",
"Just one more thing that's against the law",
Now this might not go down as a historical event,
But I'm one of the two that knows how it went,
The day of the great Burbank driftwood scare.

Details | Ballad | |

Bootycyze Me

You've got it going on, you're packin' the heat 
in your trunk is a sweet, sweet treat 
As you walk on by, the boys break their necks 
With your shake, rattle and roll, you've passed my test 
Is your mother like you, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree 
Give me few moments of your time Bootycyze Me 
Let's take a stroll in the park sometime 
You walk ahead, I'll walk behind 
Tell me profile, give me your 4-1-1 
Let's get together, you have the equipment for fun 
You have a enough backside, you can share with me 
Up close or at a distance, I like what I see 
Give me a few moments of your time, Bootycyze Me 
You are smokin', so red hot 
All the girls ask what she got that I ain't got 
A word to the old, a word to the wise 
You will know it when you've been Bootycyzed 
Cassanova, Prince Charming and Don Juan, I am all three 
Give me a few moments of your time, Bootycyze Me 

Details | Ballad | |


30,000 insect species per mile, 
half of them in my space 
whirr of wings, 
none of whch make me smile 

Hot fetid air 
decay of leaves 
humidity overwhelms me 
i cannot breathe 

Dense impenetrable green, 
rank pools of water 
holds things i have never seen 

The twitter and call of things unseen 
leaves much to the imagination 
my wild thrashings, 
my curses and condemnation 

Leafy clutter abounds every where 
yet nothing is wasted 
nature's powerhouse recycled 
every thing eaten,everything tasted 

Dark gloom of triple canopy, 
day like night 
night,stygian darkness 
terrifies me 

For the jungle man has no place,nothing 
for the jungle,the insects are king 

Frogs croak,hidden things chatter 
flash of colour,nothing seen 
stench of decayed matter, 
everything green 

Hot jungle,constant drip of water, 
razor sharp bamboo, 
makes me falter 

This moving green mass holds me in its web, 
the 30,000 insects, 
i dread 

Time to go quickly, 
for i am not of the jungle, 
which makes me poor and sickly 

Leave,for the 30,000 insects have evicted me 
dont worry,i'll go you'll see 
whirr of wing 
croak of frog 
escapes me 

Details | Ballad | |


She came to me by air
Milky white skin, long blonde hair
She promises me I will never be lonely again
I have her to love, I have a best friend
We shall never argue over petty things
With her there, the house will always be clean
Then one day Dana shows up at my front steps
Petite young lady, green eyes and a brunette
I realize by the end of the day
Madeline would just be in the way
That evening, I show Madeline to the door
I tell her I don't love her anymore
The next morning I realize what I have done
When I chose Dana over Madeline, I chose the wrong one
I leave Dana at the house to go find Madeline
While searching for her, I tell myself, this can't be the end
After days of searching, I find her in a second hand store
I approach to convince her, she's the one I adore
The looks I get as I give her a hug and a kiss
As I tell of my favorite things and she is at the top of the list
So we leave together to go back home
A bottle of wine, steak and disconnect the phone
Today I have to send both lovelies back to prostatic friends and lovers 
Dana will not return to me, to get a refund for her has made me frustrated
However, Madeline will be refurbished and returned to me like new
My Madeline, blonde hair and eyes of crystal blue

Details | Ballad | |

Battlecreek Joust

When Kelloggs' jousts
with Post,
It's easy to find the host,
Just look for that Ruby Red Smile,
From her lawnchair seat, 
for quite a while,
Poppin' pocorn in,
With a fox's sly winning grin,

She dodges the poor fool's splash,
And is set to collect her winner's cash,
She'd bet on that poor fool,
Drowning in that puddle-pool....

One thing the fool noticed
with his last breath,
And his untimely death,
She'd pulled a clever one off,
To mislead others of his ilk,
She's now using GatorAid
instead of milk!!!!

For my Jewel of a friend, Ruby.

Details | Ballad | |

Old Tucker Brown

Old tucker brown wanted to
Go fishing,
He sat and planned his day
Of activity,
He got his fishing gear, with
His rubber boots in hand,
“Oh my gosh”
It is pouring cats and dogs,
Maybe a Cadillac,
At the most, do not know the
For the clouds were so very
At least he thought it was,
You could see his anticipation
As he looked out the window
The excitement aroused as
A rainbow appeared..
He cried out…
With a big yell..
While the wind cease to
Clouds dissipated over the little
Fishing pond..
Down the hill….
Well now, it stop  pouring cats
And dogs..
Therefore, he kept the Cadillac, which
Color I do not know..
“Oh My Lordy”
Indeed, it is a miracle for the big
Guy, seen fit to pour him out a
Coffee color Cadillac,
Four door Deville…
A platter of catfish and the
Even a shrimp or two
My God, who can ask for
Anything more,
Except for me a pearl color
I wish…
But the story is about old
Tucker Brown...

Details | Ballad | |

Pop! Goes The Weasel

Pop!  Goes the weasel...
When he shot...
The guy behind the easel...
And stole his silly paintings...
All about there were faintings...
He ran from the chasing cops,
And made but few stops...
One for a beer...
One for some schnapps...
Guess he got a little wasted...
As he dropped the art
He had hardly tasted...
Now one wine,
and he was wasted...
Grabbed by the cops...
He was soon pasted...
With crime charges 
He soon embrace'd
Cause he was tired of art theft,
And he was color blind, and with no sense of depth...

Details | Ballad | |


Tick, tock , 
I sit by my clock 

Now and again I look.................. 
My eyes, lifting from my book 

This page read, 
Time passed, 
in a blink of an eye 
It won't last! 
Says I ! 

Tick, tock 
I sit by the clock 

This would run on time 
My world,waiting to chime 

The page turns.......... 
The world turns 
Tick, tock 
I sit by my clock 

Pages read....... 
Minutes passed 
It could be my last 
Hours instead 

Soon ,this book read 
Hours passed............ 
My time instead............. 
This is my last 

A second of your time 
Tick, tock.................. 
My life chime 
Tick, tock 
Internal clock ! 

Seconds,minutes, hours 
weeks, months, years 
Tick ,tock 
My infernal clock! 

Tick, tock 
I sit by my clock 

Details | Ballad | |

Old 22

I'll never sell my old .22
cause that old .22
shot a gopher or two

I aim to the left
and a little low
cause that old .22 fires high 
and a little to the right.

So i'll never sell that old .22.

Details | Ballad | |

Rollin' In My Pacer

My girl dumped me, she couldn't hack it 
She said it was her or my fake leather jacket 
We were together for 30 days 
This jacket has cozied up to six Shaneyneys 
Judy is my next target, so now I will have to chase her 
I am the Mac Daddy rollin' in my Pacer 
Camielle comes along and tempts my fate 
Judy is now off the slate 
Women need to use more self control 
I am too much, I am hard to hold 
Tomorrow there will be another one in line 
I will not mess with her if she looks like the bride of Frankenstein 
My dad is stressed, he's really working his pacemaker 
I take him to the hospital, he's riding shotgun in my Pacer 
The hospital will keep him over night 
I buy some Mad dog 20/20, it's time to get tight 
I am called the next day to pick him up 
I tell him no ride, if you don't have a lid for that cup 
I get pulled over for a sobriety test 
The cop tells me I don't look my best 
He makes me walk the long straight line 
Then count forwards and backwards between 1 and 9 
He tells me my car is so ugly, he's got to shoot me with his tazer 
After the jolt I am allowed to leave steady rollin' in my Pacer

Details | Ballad | |


I stood aside... 
Holding a door 
Not knowing what is was all for 
So many people passed through... 
In a blur of speed 
I couldn't count them too 

When the world moved on 
I was left holding the door 
I stood aside, 
as it flowed past, 
as it flowed fast 
The speed I saw 

The moon and stars, 
sucked through the open door 
Pulled in, 
swished through like a magicians' cape 
All I could do... 
Stand and gape 

I looked inside.... 
Peeped around the door 
I was astounded at what I saw! 
New worlds, evolving 
New galaxies, revolving 

I held an open door 
For, billions of stars 
People too 
What was it all for? 

What would happen if I closed the door? 
I dare not! 
There seems purpose in this 
A stream of consciousness 
I must learn more 

When is door not a door? 
When you stand holding it, 
wondering what it is  for 

In a world passing by... 
In a blur of speed 
Some, stop and learn 
They can but try, 
To stop a world , 
turn by turn 

The people holding the door, 
stop and think 
Watching worlds and people sink 
They understand that , 
what passes through... 
Is not always right 
Not always true 

When it was my time to learn 
I stood aside 
I held one for a while 
When it was my turn... 
I let go... 
With a brave smile... 
I let it slide... 
Walked on through, 
to the other side! 

Details | Ballad | |

You're the reason

Those over there are yours.
They look like monkeys.
You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

Our kida look as if they have been beaten,
beaten hard about 100 times with an ugly stick.
You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

Those poor kids,
they look as if they've been run over, 
by a lawn mower,
You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

Your little girl,
she looks like a fat lady,
in really tight spandex
with loud print.
You're the reason our kids are so ugly.

How did I ever end up with you?
I don't know what I was thinkin',
or what I was drinkin'.
But you're the reason our kids are so ugly.

Details | Ballad | |

Amos and Bambi

well, Amos got tired
of picking up fares
in his Harlem cab,
and decided to take
a break,
maybe from the urban
blues, he'd find a way to shake

so he drove his cab
to his favorite country spot,
with his bow and arrow,
rifle season, it was not
he waited in patience
for prey to come
bag some venison
so the meat he could
with Andy, share some

a tad bit cold,
took a sip of rum
to warm himself
he wasn't dumb

from out of the foliage
came a deer
cautious eyes,
wide alert ear,

Amos aimed and fired once
oh dear!! I've missed!!
oh deer, now I'm pissed!!
oh dear deer, where'd
you go? my deer....
arrow stuck in the dear deer's rear....

oh dear! oh deer!!
Oh my God, just
what I'd learned to fear...
such crappy aim!!
and I was so near...
to wind up shooting up...
the poor dear's deer rear!!

Details | Ballad | |


Tick, tock , 
I sit by my clock 

Now and again I look.................. 
My eyes, lifting from my book 

This page read, 
Time passed, 
in a blink of an eye 
It won't last! 
Says I ! 

Tick, tock 
I sit by the clock 

This would run on time 
My world,waiting to chime 

The page turns.......... 
The world turns 
Tick, tock 
I sit by my clock 

Pages read....... 
Minutes passed 
It could be my last 
Hours instead 

Soon ,this book read 
Hours passed............ 
My time instead............. 
This is my last 

A second of your time 
Tick, tock.................. 
My life chime 
Tick, tock 
Internal clock ! 

Seconds,minutes, hours 
weeks, months, years 
Tick ,tock 
My infernal clock! 

Tick, tock 
I sit by my clock