Roses are red
Violets are blue
Idiots like you,
belong in a school'
Don't get upset,
I went there too,
I passed all my classes,
cuz I was smarter than you,
But hey don't you worry'
You wont be one for long'
Just pass all your classes,
Go on what you waiting for,
No I don't think so
go right now.
"A person's tongue is a twisty thing,
there are plenty of words there of every kind,
and the range of words is wide, and their variation."
-- HOMER, The Iliad
When I say ice cream read I scream
When I say phonology read phone allergy
When I say insinuate read in sin you ate
When I say four candles read fork handles
When I say mint spy read mince pie
When I say greénhouse read green hoúse
When I say bláckboard read black boárd
When I say mesher read measure
When I say Alpine read alpine
When I say vowels read dishtowels
When I say Homophone read home on phone
When I say Polish read polish
When I say sonorant son of ant
When I say i.c.u. read I see you
When I say Lent read lent
When I say Turkey read turkey
When I say euthanasia read youth in Asia
When I say depreciate read deprecate
When I say farther read further
When I say collision read collusion
When I say endocentric read exocentric
When I say pharynx read larynx
When I say thought read though
When I say phonemic read phonetic
When I say weather read whether
When I say China read china
When I say call on phones read allophones
When I say stuffy nose read stuff he knows
© Joseph, 10/4/08
© All Rights Reserved
Comments: The Errata poem is based on mistake in speech or speaking, a Freudian slip,
mispronounced words, homophonic pronunciation, etc. Paul Muldoon from Ireland, and
Charles Simic from Yugoslavia wrote Errata poems based on this definition. The Errata poem
is a Linguists paradise.
Joseph S. Spence, Sr., is the author of "The Awakened One Poetics" (2009), which is
published in seven different languages. He invented the Epulaeryu poetry form, which
focuses on succulent cuisines and drinks. He is published in various forums, including the
World Haiku Association; Poetinis Druskininku, Milwaukee Area College, Phoenix Magazine;
Möbius Poetry, and Taj Mahal Review to name a few. Joseph is a Goodwill Ambassador for
the state of Arkansas, USA, a college faculty, and a military veteran.
It’s funny how my father’s hobby became mine. He has been a sportsman all his life, he played basketball, volleyball and softball all his youth, but his real passion is soccer and even though he is 55 years old now, he still keeps playing it and loving it. He has had all kinds of cleats, all brands, all colors, different styles, but it does not change anything, he still plays amazing. But one thing I do find hilarious is that every time he comes from a game, he cleans his cleats, he washes them and takes them with such an unbelievable affection, that I’m beginning to think that he might love them more than he loves me, but now I do know the feeling of a new shiny, hard and beautiful pair of cleats. I still recall when he took me for my very first pair, I could not believe he was doing it for me, I was so excited, but now I realize that what I was excited about is that I could be like my father for just a moment when I had them on. Ever since I was little, I remember my daddy playing soccer, leaving home all dressed up, ready to fight, and win the ball to make a remarkable roll on the field. The playing field that we both love, the field all covered in grass, all green, so delicious and soft, so colorful… being crashed by everyone’s cleats and the rolling ball, feeling the sunlight on our skin, and the wind on our faces. Having a team, an extra family with whom we could find support and create new ideas, new plays so we could smash the opponent. So yes, I loved watching him play and cheering him up more than I could ever like watching official and famous soccer teams. I do find funny the fact that my father’s hobby became mine since everyone says we’re too similar, and even though he also has a son, his daughter is with whom he shares that connection. I love the fact that our simple relationship was started thanks to such a manly sport, and curiously, to transform me into such a girly girl.
The immigration is coming for me
I live in a two bedroom house with eight other families
We will be deported, this process includes a meal, so our stomachs will be full
I dream at night for beans, rice and burritos
I cook my burritos in fat, heavy lard
I check my pockets, now I'm worried, I think I lost my green card
I have gas and burps because of the food
I want to make bambinos, but the senora is not in the mood
She's not ready, she says I'm pushing too hard
Now she's mad, flushes my wallet down the toilet, there goes my green card
Now rice and beans will be my meals three times a day
The immigration is the predator and I'm the prey
I sneak through a hole in the fence
This shows the border patrol is incompetent
I am again caught and sent back across the border
I will miss the reruns of Law and Order
Sam Waterson can't win a case, what a retard
This all goes back to when I lost my green card
Funny vs' Rude~~
agrestic bugaboo creeps, dandle
other', footle gleeking,
happy, izzat...jillick, kibitz, ludic,
osculating, proudly, quizzing, riant,
to unstable void, whelm, Xanthippe,
aphotic burnt cardinal debris
growing haematic, igniting,
jeopardizing, killing, lava,
madness, numb, 'Oppositional-
rage, staged, tempered, under,
virescent, watch, XXX, yield, zero.
Dream a little Dream~~
Accelerator, beating, captivating
fingerprints, ghost haunting,
'keebler-keeper', labyrinth, magic,
path, quarantine, rainbows, snakes,
Dedicated and inspired by; Yasmin
im livin in a world, where all eyes on me.
trying to curve my own route.
but route 66 keeps finding its way to me.
ive been plenty sick, in all the events layed before me.
even when i reflect to my lowest points
i dont regret any of the choices
That I’ve deployed in my era
A lot of it by error, but hey
We live in hell conditions and there ain’t no air condition
Or any guidelines when life throws you in the sidelines
But when hindsight twenty twenty hits
You’ll begin to understand life’s a bunch of equations and you in the mix of it
An you’ll have to think twice, before running into a situation and becoming the best of it
it’s what got me here, it’s what got us here
Ran with my thoughts blazing up to her place and
Guess what happened next
She opened up heaven’s gate
And just before late I slipped out
I’m a Grown ass man
Doin his thing, waitin to blow up like an old land mine
In doin what he drools over
But time after time
Something decides to creep up and cover the light
Lost my way
Then I revoked to ever know, I ever thought that way
But in the in between time, that in the mean time
Spent a lot of time
Gettin pissed off just to medicate and lift off
Don’t need Don Perion to sip off
Already had my way with the bottle
Even thought to get back with the trouble and rejoin the hustle
That’s just what happens to a man who really knows his old ways
Whos tired of making ends meet and ponders getting back to the streets.
Memory sets in and he remembers an O.G. saying
No matter how tall your pockets stand when you ball
Eventually times gonna make you fall
And I as I pull myself together
I don’t wanna end up like the twin towers rubble
I mean no offence to nine eleven but at that time I probably could have used a reverend
But all that’s irrelevant now
because i live with a different perspective now
there you go you made it to the end :-) comment if you like, constructive criticism wanted as well.
I went fishing the other day.Caught a fish that I was surprised.
The fish was a least six inches long.
I took my fish and went to the market to look for beer.
Their I told, the butcher I caught a fish.
That was 12 inches long.
On the way to my house I saw a cop friend of mine.
I told him that i had a fish that was 18 inches long.
I stopped for a few beers at the bar I saw joey the postman.
I told joey that i had a whopper of a fish that was
Two feet long
Black Jack dealers
Dealing the cards
Taking all my money!!!!
Zooming at the very end
Yelling around I find my way
Xtremely touchy and tearful
Why does it always have to be
ABCD and not WXYZ!
All was going well until she asked for a drink
Then my stomach started to sink
She ask “do you have coffee?”
“no it’s OCD”
Stood up, turned 80 degrees
Counted my steps, ones and threes
Get the scales and measure the grains
In nerves, must not make any stains
Add the milk, not too much
Now the sugar, just a light touch
Click the kettle, watch my watch
If she was Irish, I could always add scotch
Click! Pour the water
63 mm size always matters
A quick stir, a wee bit slower
Too high make it lower
Turn clockwise, go for the door
Marching like in the marine corps
There she is lying in a heap
I was hours, she’s fast asleep
Come join the three for another cheap, meaningless day in their lives
They consider themselves to be hip, part of the same sex marriage, Burly the
husband, Flo and Mary the wives
Their day always starts at the breakfast table bashing the males that exist
They wish the males could be on the endangered species list
Sometimes things change among the three, as the estrogen level rises in Burly
Once a month, she wants to be a wife and act very girly
As for Mary and Flo, they think Oprah is hot
Burly thinks Rosie O'Donnell has the goodies she so much has sought
They sip their Busch Beer out of Nascar Coozies
There is no more room for anymore women within the circle of The Three
From their point of view, all men should be women's slaves
Burly has a strong scent of Old Spice after shave
They love watching domineering women type movies
The popcorn is shared by all Three Floozies
They go out to only all girls clubs
They cheer on the under dogs, their favorite one is the Chicago Cubs
Their closets are full of clothes by Dickies
They leave each other love notes on little stickies
Mary likes champagne on a store brand soda budget
Flo likes Butterbeans with cumin to make them smell pungent
Burly likes Pickled Eggs and sardines
Burly's favorite movie line is In space no one can hear you scream
Flo's favorite movie line is Go ahead, make my day
Mary's favorite movie line is My name is Chucky, do you wanna play?
Burly dreams of one day wrestlin' steers
Mary is concerned that Burly one day will leave, that's her worst fear
Flo watches the WWE, she is such a loyal fan
Burly uses her forehead to smash empty beer cans
None of you are mothers, so on your peanut butter selection, quit being choosy
Mary, Flo and Burly are today's Three Floozies
It flips and flops from side to side
and if the wind is blowing it will be going.
One ear is covered and the other is not
a curl or lock tied into a topknot.
Some look like a big fluffy feather that's been in a hazard
or the tail of a horse that's been forced.
Don't be scared because your missing hair
to a women a shinny bald spot is always hot!
1/23/15 T Reams
I had gotten to that stage,
Where true love was but a mirage.
When one is hurt too many times
By these daughters of Eve,
The heart must surely cease to give
Until such a time as right
To smile again and see the light.
Miranda, fairest of them all
Adored our trips to the mall.
I could tell from her charming eyes
That her love would be my demise,
So I fled with what coins I had left,
For her love was akin to theft.
That was when I met my Nora.
By all that’s sweet, she had an aura!
Pretty young thing, genteel with her voice,
Of many boys she was the choice.
Flawless, petite, her looks were fine.
I swore by love to make her mine.
Lovely were those nights we shared.
But like I’m sure you must have heard,
The flawless ones are just as marred within.
She had a love affair with gin.
Then came the age of Olivia,
The sight of whom did make me shiver.
Kind with words, light on her feet,
The kind of girl you’d love to meet.
Many were those that saw the sight
Of our love, both day and night.
Looks of envy, of jealousy
I mistook them all to be,
For they were looks of pity,
As it turned out my Olivia
Was liberal with her Banana.
Pauline rescued me from distress,
Mended me like a seamstress.
I gave my heart, to her my all,
I felt so bad she fled with Paul.
Was at the base, looking up,
When I saw a damsel stop.
Lovely, round, Quinta was her name.
Her looks were calm, her manners tame
I really wished she’d stay the same,
But to when she left, from when she came,
Deception was her only game.
My path to love had been so rough,
So hard, rugged, it made me tough.
It wasn’t long ‘fore I met Rose,
Pretty, sweeter by the dose.
To her I took an instant liking.
But once we went bike riding,
She met a long lost cousin,
T’wards whom she showed uncanny liking.
Well, that was fair, or so I thought,
Till the day in bed, them both I caught.
Like I said, I’d become tough
And her little act was not enough
To get this old stallion
Weep from pain and feel alone.
I marched right on.
The wind brought in Sylvia,
So pious, in love with prayer.
Nearly was I fooled
By her style, the way she schooled.
Saintly demon she proved to be,
Sworn to stay the same eternally.
Thelma just didn’t get it right.
She lit a quarrel, then a fight.
Her seasoning too was prone to loiter.
It’s thanks to her I’m free from goiter!
Ursula, a foreign girl I met,
Was close to base and thickly set.
Many were the times her mind was set
On losing all my savings in a bet.
She saw no bars,
She kept no laws.
The time we shared was but a loss.
Why all this fuss?
Why all this pain?
I held them all in such disdain,
And swore by life I would detain
My heart with bonds of chain
Till came that time when girls be sane.
At last it came, or so I thought,
As Vanessa, misfortune brought.
Her looks were fine,
Her smile was nice,
But all she knew to make was rice.
Winifred too followed the cue,
And like you know I wish I knew,
She was a night rider,
A hidden foe, a crouching tiger.
Many were the nights
My phone will ring,
And I’d hear the same song sing:
“Winnie got drunk and hit the gutter,
By all that’s holy, please come get her.”
Xena was one like none I’d met.
She broke a lie without a sweat.
I recall one time I heard
Her on the phone, caught every word.
“Who was that?” I had to ask.
It proved to be no sweating task!
“It was my dad”, I think she said,
But she forgot her dad was dead!
I had to go, I could not stand
The way her stories sank in sand.
Yvonne, this girl I met in school,
Had eyes that made you drool.
I did her bid, I played her fool,
It’s sad to know I was her tool.
Zenobia, legs that wouldn’t stop,
Passed by and made my molars drop!
Scantily clad, she caught my eye,
That’s how it works, don’t ask me why!
I loved her gold and blue hair dye.
This was it, I’d found my love
Sent to me from up above.
But she was a business woman
Out to sell to the richest man.
“Does love exist?” I asked myself.
I should just shove it on a shelf.
Please don’t conclude, don’t get me wrong,
I love the ladies, mind not my song.
Just an art, nothing negative,
So please let’s not get sensitive.
This is fun, it’s all a joke.
That was me just being a bloke!
The Doctor Visit
I went to the doctors today.
He came in to the room.
He asked do you smoke.
I said "Why now do you see any?"
He said,"do you drink", I said," Why do you need one?"
Then he said. "Strip off you close".
I said," I hope you 're not taking off yours"!
Then the doctor said. "Can I see your ears?"
I said,'i clean them everyday"
Then he says. "Broaden your mouth and stick out your tough,".
I said,"I only do that a to my wife"!
Then he says."Why are you here today?"
I said,"Why Don't you know you 're the doctor"!
"American Grafitti" took me back again to High School in the 1960's
"Back to the Future's" nifty hot rod took me back in time and almost left me!
"City Slickers" took me way out west, to rustle cows and ride a horse
"Da Vinci's" code, did not bode well, the Vatican did not endorse!
"E. T. " turned out to be my friend, we peddled bikes far past the moon
"Forrest Gump" shared my lunch, and shared his chocolate just past noon
"Groundhog Day" is darn confusing, is it Monday or is it Tuesday?
"Hannibal" is one cruel dude,..........he sharpens teeth so he can chew me!!
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" invited me to toast their wedding
"Jaws" invited me to take a swim! Those who did, were soon regretting!
"King Kong", was one poor ape who climbed too high for past mistakes,
"Lincoln" had too much at stake, but ended war between the states
"Mummy 1" and "Mummy 2" made me cry for Mommy,...PLEASE!
"No Country for Old Men"...but young dudes look, and want to leave!
"O' Brother Where Are Thou?" escaped their chains to play like Ringo
"Psycho's" bathtubs scare me silly, my next motel will be Flamingo's
"Quarantine" because I'm sick? If I stay in bed, they call me lazy
"Rosemary's Baby"...yikes that kid? Babysit....?? Are you crazy?
"Superman" claimed that he could help me, but flew away with no advice
"Titanic" hit a piece of ice, (that Superman was not so nice!)
"Unforgiven" (now is Superman)...Clint Eastwood is the slicker guy
"Valkyrie"'s plot has thickened...Let's all poke Hitler in the eye!
"When Harry Met Sally" I was jealous....her cafe' scene has made me blush
Xanadu had me roller skating.......racing faster, while I'm dating
"Young Sherlock Holmes" was just a kid, I kid you not, he met his Watson
"Zoolander" 's slacks were Cuban made.. I borrowed some and they were awesome!
(and I'm exhausted!)
For Cyndi's exhausting ABC contest!! Whew!
I work hard at work and then at home
In the bathroom is the only place I am King of the throne
There is such a thing as a honey do list
And at work so much to do, no time for bliss
I did something that I know I will never regret
I went and stole a portalette
It fits perfect in the corner of my back yard
I notice the neighbors outside working real hard
We negotiate an admission fee for them to use it
I put up a sign that reads Enjoy it, but don't abuse it
I hire the Chicanos around the corner to add some graffiti
I took advantage of Zero percent financing from Sears to install some central air
Next summer I will expand it and add another wall
This will be where I will have a spa
I just put in cable tv to provide entertainment
Now my friends want to steal their own portalette
I told them construction sites are probably an ideal place to get one
I tell them to check and see how full it is, because spilling it ain't no fun
If it is full, complain to the Site Foreman so he will get it emptied, thus, making it
easier for you to handle
Be careful of the methane gas, use a flashlight, not a candle
Odo Ban works better than Febreeze
Try to place it under some shade trees
It will keep the temperature inside moderate
Take pride in your newly acquired portalette
If you treat it right, it will provide you with this one thing
It may not happen in your own home, but in your portalette you can always be King
But now you get into the issue of His or Hers
Another visit to the construction site may have to occur
You send bolts through my skin
something I was never to
accomplish with you, when I
saw you it's like my heart sank
to my stomach and I was in
shock my body still my body
heavy felt like when I moved I
was about to fall to my knees
you make me want to get
inside my brain pick you up and
take you out pick you one by
one like a flower because I do
love you and love you not.
candy yams- smellin' like spam...I like green eggs, and maybe some ham
lookin' like Gina, but with a shape like Pam...
I called and emailed her a dozen times, like spam
...she never liked me, always told me to scat and scram...
I'm tellin' you, she had a body like WHAM! and if I could touch her, I'd be like damn!
...in my dreams...we make love and we ram...
all night long, we just bam...
I want to get with her one day and we'll be a happy fam...
cause the perfect catch for her, is what I am...
why don't you like me...huhh excuse me mam...
about my feelings I'm not lying to you, this is no scam
we could go out for breakfast, did I mention I like green eggs and possibly ham?
...I'm so obsessed, it's like I'm possessed...I look thru her window and take pictures with my cam...
hopin' I could get my jelly and we could make it jam...
...cause she's so fine, she so sexy, she's just so glam
close my eyes, count 1, 2, 3...she will be with me
AL LA KAAZAM!
Green eggs and ham
In the backwoods of Virginia by a one room country shack
Stood a still that was a brewing that my Mama kept out back.
She kept a shotgun by the backdoor in an old potato sack
and when the travelers came a calling they brought money in a paper sack.
The bell tree was a blowing and you could hear that little ring
for a taste of that clear whiskey and the good times it could bring.
Now in the quietness of the night with a little light from the moon
Came the smoke that was rising from the making of the brew.
Mama had many names she called it and here are just a few...
Corn Liquor, Bush Whiskey, Hillbilly Pop, White Lightning and of course Mountain Dew.
It was warm when you drank it and had a kick like a mule
and if you needed resting you could sit on Mama's stool.
Now the lawmen would come a sneaking and try to find my Mama's brew
but the tin cans that were a hanging would alert her to the news
that someone was a snooping and trying to find her moonshine brew.
But out by Mama's shack was an old hole that she had dug
to hid her jars of whiskey from the lawman that came a looking for her special brew.
They ain't never found her whiskey...but I still know where it is...
and at times I sit on Mama's stool by that old bell tree
and have a sip or maybe two.
T Reams 1st Place
As we stop, I pull out my jar of Vic's vapor rub
I put some up my nostrils, this job you cannot love
But it pays the bills, I make my living
Trash day is when people are most giving
They are selfless when getting rid of what they see as junk
Whew! That smell from the back of a garbage truck
I spot a pair of shoes for my kid
I will wash them first, get rid of the odor of rotted squid
My niece's birthday is coming up soon
I found a playhouse with dishes, forks, cups and spoons
It's family night tonight at home
The unknown video I found will be shown
Finding the right stuff is a matter of luck
It is just my point of view from the back of a garbage truck
I found a half a bucket of KFC
I take a smell, it smells as fresh as can be, what a surprise for my family
Two hours later, the family can't keep their meal down
They are so ungrateful about the food I found
I am on a strict budget, I have to find a way to save a couple bucks
More dinners will be found because I work on the back of a garbage truck
What makes all of us curious
Is it our human nature to not always be serious,
Yes I believe this is very true
We are human and when something happens we want a clue,
To be curious is to see or find out what you don't know
Some humans do this but try not to let it show,
There is a saying curiosity killed the cat
That can be true if you put your nose where it doesn't belong and that's a fact,
So is you want to find out something just ask
This way it is not stalking and you will get an answer fast.
Written By: Unique Poetry: 2014
So you are choosing Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
You love to eat them from a zip loc bag at the mall
You grew up in the deep south eating these odd things
For instance, you choose chicken feet with toe nails instead of chicken wings
You said you would eat the Rock Oysters with spaghetti or rice, it really doesn't
Sometimes you eat them fried in a Tempura Batter
Do you ever feel remorse knowing some baby pigs are missing their Pa
All because you prefer Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
I can't condone your preference for what you would call a tasty treat
Something is wrong passing up boiled eggs for pickled pig's feet
The stuff you eat would have me being a frequent flyer to a bathroom stall
I can't get past you showing favorites to Rocky Mountain Oysters Over Meatballs
Did anyone tell you what they really are
It's not something you eat with a date gazing at the stars
My mind has always been open to try different things
But I need to draw the line eating a male animal's bling bling
I've eaten camel, horse, octopus even legs of frogs
Down in Tijuana, I ate tacos made from dog
You say what's wrong with this, I share these with my in laws
Another advantage is Rocky Mountain Oysters cost less than your run of the mill
Have you tried them with a little bit of Texas Pete
Rumor has it they started with sheep on the island of Crete
I do however like a good seasoned batch of Collard Greens
Can't quite completely criticize the South, I am caught in between
But I do get a kick out of the deep Southern Drawl
But I am still a Yankee when declining Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
Recipe for a poem.
A recipe for a poem
Paper or computer of any kind.
Pen or keyboard which ever you have.
A good thought of mind. Which may intercept by some silly word you might
A very little skill.Which will improve if the mind does not go blank.
A good closing if you needs to go out quickly.
And not say goodbye because you will write once more.
Go to work and write.
O, Don't forgot to spell words right might help.
Acrobatic bats circle dark English fields gulping hairy insects joyfully,keeping lazy men
napping on porches,quite regally snoring together,until various wild xenophiles yell zealously!
AT THE MIDLE OF A NIGHT
I wake up to unusual ringtone
I rise to pick up my phone
One eyed half open,
I stretch out my hands down my pillow
I clean my throat ready to say “hallo”
My right thumb on the screen to slide the green icon
But….there is no message or a missed call
Oh my God, I forgot that I never had you’re new number at all
Because you’re gone- my sweetie
So reluctantly, I have to go back to sleep
Around the Corner Contest
(WINTER is around the corner)
By Sally Wood
There's an old man I heard is new in town
They say he's not shy as he takes over the land
His business is snow and ice and cold rain
The neighbors are talking he's all the rage
He changed the scenery his very first day
While the trees lost their leaves and died away
He has a blower for harsh cold winds and rain
And later he'll order people to dress his way
This old man has taken over our town
People are running in attempts to escape his plans
They wear heavy clothing, boots, and hats on their heads
As they pass him, he laughs, he has nothing to dread
Yes, there is a new old man in town
Who has people angry and avoiding his frown
He'll keep on moving a few months down the line
But for now, our town won't be free for quite some time!
Always building cars,
Dodge enjoyed framing grand historical ideas.
Jaguar kept long models noble.
Overdrawn Pontiac quadrupled.
Rare Saturn tested unfair.
Victorious winner xeroxed yet zany.
The Deer Hunter
I grab my gun and to the woods. Thinking today will be fun.
I stand next to a tree not to pee .Justas I see a bear coming towards me.
I drop my gun and start to run.
As I hear my gun go bang. I look to see the bear on the run.
But on the ground under a tree I see . A deer just for me.
So I take my deer and have another beer.
Thinking deer meat for me tonight
The Horse Race.
The announcer says the horse is at the gate.
There is wee willy on your just silly;
Patty shes riding cupcake bite.
Dick hes on hiccup.
The gate open and they are off. It's dick on hiccup, cup cake and wee willy on just
As the get to turn one it's willy on just silly,Dick has hiccup at second and patty
riding third with cupcake.
In turn two it's just silly,hiccup and cupcake. Turn four its cupcake,hick just silly
And now at the wire you got hiccup just silly and cupcake.
People we have to stop the race. Wee Willy on just silly ate patty cupcake which
gave him the hiccups