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Workshop Poem - Goodbye Daddy - Revised

An unseasonably warm November day In my yard the unsuspecting children play Left in my loving care with words unsaid Unaware of the tears they would shed Future's written, words are hurled Only eight but a girl of the world Hair of gold, no worries, no cares Not ready for what life would bear "Where's daddy?, He didn't say goodnight It's not like him, it doesn't seem right Something's wrong, I need him now Take me to him, take me right now" My tears did fall that solemn night My brother walked into the light Taken too soon, no chance to fight A child's nightmare, an uncles fright Fourteen years and the tears still fall His life was perfect, he had it all A wife, two kids, God his right hand man Succumbing to the fate of His master plan My heart still bleeds for my sweet little niece "Goodbye my daddy, may you rest in peace" **Looking for constructive criticism...please voice your opinions** revised*** An unseasonably warm autumn day in the yard unsuspecting children play. Left in loving care with words unsaid unaware of tears she soon would shed. Futures are written, words are hurled, only eight, a girl of the world hair of gold, no worry, no care. Not ready for what life would bear. Where is daddy?, He didn't say goodnight. It's not like him, it just doesn't seem right. Something is wrong, I need my daddy now. Take me to him, take me to him right now. Many tears fell that solemn eve dear father, into the light did leave. Taken too soon, no chance to fight child's nightmare, an uncles fright. Fourteen years have passed and tears still fall His life seemed perfect, thought he had it all. A wife, two kids, God as his right hand man succumbing the fate of His master plan. Sad hearts still bleed for this sweet little niece. Goodbye my daddy, may you rest in peace.

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Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:52:00 PM

Tim, :) congrats on your workshop poem

Edwin Hofert

Date: 5/14/2015 6:41:00 PM

Dear Tim. If opinions are what this contest is about I would like to express mine. Your original work was perfect. Timeless and unchangeable. It was written from your heart and soul. And in it's own right etched into the heavens when released from you. A 7 and worthy of much more. God bless you my friend.

Tim Smith
Date: 5/14/2015 6:46:00 PM

Thanks Edwin....bless you Tim

Eve Roper

Date: 5/9/2015 4:18:00 PM

Tim, love the write, very heartfelt emotion not only from the child but also you, shows your inner self. Hugs

Tim Smith
Date: 5/9/2015 4:24:00 PM

Thanks Eve...have a great weekend....Tim

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 5/8/2015 9:51:00 PM

I really like the help they gave you. well, I imagine you have been revising it. Very good one, tim! (am I allowed to be here?)

Tim Smith
Date: 5/8/2015 9:55:00 PM

Thanks Andrea....yes you are welcome and you can even suggest any revisions : )

Robert Stoner Jr

Date: 5/8/2015 4:17:00 PM

Line 3 you use "His" this is a bit confusing as you come back with a she in the next line.I had to reread this to figure out it's a care giver. The line works fine without the "his" I think. Line 4 unaware of tears she soon would shed. lose "the" line 17 Fourteen years have passed, tears still fall lose "and the" shortens the line and helps the flow blend better with the others. I still don't like the now/now rhyme but since it's a child speaking I can live with it. I like the revision, much

Robert Stoner Jr
Date: 5/8/2015 4:21:00 PM

These offers of ideas come off a bit sterile because of space restraints, sorry. I am not that short in manners and apologize for the less than fun tone,lol.I enjoyed the opportunity to think tank this write and appreciate your patience in my suggestions. Looking forward to more of this fun :o)

Tim Smith
Date: 5/8/2015 4:20:00 PM

Thanks Robert for all your help...Tim

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/8/2015 4:08:00 PM

OOOOOOOh, Tim. It was good, it was good before, but now? Now the pain, the sadness has this sharp glow, beautiful, hurtful. I am crying... this brought a recent loss to the surface... Line five, so strong now. Somehow, its the last two lines that got to me... maybe because you broadened it? Wrapped us into it by saying, HeartS, plural? What do you think? Do you prefer the revision? Did you find the process good? Sad smile, Cyndi...

Tim Smith
Date: 5/8/2015 4:11:00 PM

I do like it Cyndi. This was a great exercise and I think I learned a little more about poetry and how I write..Thank you so much for taking the lead....Tim

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 5/8/2015 12:41:00 AM

I love to re-read this poem again,I'm just gonna favour it : )

Tim Smith
Date: 5/8/2015 3:47:00 PM

: )

Robert Stoner Jr

Date: 5/7/2015 3:11:00 PM

line 8, no worries or care, care works better than cares in the rhyme with bear. Third quatrain the repeated "now" rhyme is bothersome,only in it's repetition. 4th quatrain end rhymes "night/ light" maybe work out "eve /leave" then the following "fight/fright" won't be so repetitive in rhyme. line 20 Maybe drop "to", bit wordy there. Ok the message is clear and understandable, form is easy to read, title works for me, not overly wordy,punctuation here is a personal taste. Nice write Tim

Tim Smith
Date: 5/8/2015 3:45:00 PM

I made a first revision

Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/8/2015 11:17:00 AM

good input Robert - do punctuate though Tim - it helps the reader know where thoughts begin and end & also helps the person who reads it aloud.

Tim Smith
Date: 5/7/2015 3:14:00 PM

Thanks Robert...You have some great insight....I'm going to work on it this weekend...Tim

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/7/2015 1:36:00 PM

This is a very emotive poem, Tim. I do have a few suggestions. Line two, "the" is not necessary and by dropping it, more weight would be put on the word, "unsuspecting" (which is a good word) Same goes for line 3, Unaware of tears they soon would shed.. might work if you are concerned about syllables. Line 7, needs either a closing quote " or you could take out quotes and make them italics, which many do -- it would give her words, so poignant, more attention. Line 13, my tears fell...

Eve Roper
Date: 5/9/2015 4:20:00 PM

I like her suggestions it makes a lot of sense

Tim Smith
Date: 5/7/2015 1:43:00 PM

Thanks Cyndi...I really appreciate your input. I will work on it this weekend....Tim

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/7/2015 1:37:00 PM

I am so sorry ... some losses never leave. Your niece is lucky to have you in her life. Thanks for sharing this.